TITLE: As It Is Only[5/6]
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave
FANDOM: Smallville
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.
RATING: R
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com

As It Is Only
By Nymph Du Pave

"So that's it," Lana snapped. She picked up a bunch of plates from a now deserted table in the corner of her precious Talon. "Years of wanting me, of fighting every other guy showing any sign of interest in me, years of wanting this and that's all you could give me."

I was fuming already, and her words certainly did nothing to put my temper to rest. "God, Lana. Listen to yourself. You're so far into viewing yourself from other people's eyes, from trying to perfect what's 'all about the Lana', that that's all there is to your world. You."

"Like you said, Clark. My world. I don't see anyone else our age struggling with the way everyone else sees her. I don't see anyone else as successful as me, nor as lonely."

"You're only lonely because of the way you treat people."

"I only treat people the way that I am felt. If I don't feel trusted," she said, her eyes colding hinting at an ever-constant problem in our fucked up relationship. "Then I don't trust."

"You can't force someone to trust you, Lana!"

She tossed the plates onto the counter. "And what, tell me, what isn't to trust about me? I work so hard to be perfect, to live up to the view that people need to have of me and my life, that I am damned close to being so. I work too hard at doing everything in my life to make sure it's all perfect and I don't need this shit!"

"You can't make me perfect, Lana. You can't make me into exactly what you want me to be."

"I could if you gave me half a chance."

I stopped, not able to believe she wasn't in denial about her self-centered views. This was the woman I thought was my eternal? "Lana, we're through. No more. I can't keep giving and giving, forgetting and forgiving-"

"What do you have to forgive?" she asked, stomping towards me, the click-click of her little nine-west shoes, matching the clitter-clatter of her earings. And of course, even with her anger, her hair framed her face, her face was made up to match the pink of her shirt, the black buttons of the shirt made to fit the belt and the shoes and the clittery-clattery earings-

I shook my head. "Everything. The little tests you put me through to judge me, to see if I was worthy of our friendship. The times that I pissed you off with something inane, something completely ridiculous, something that a fucking child would have thought you idiotic for and still you punish me. Days, weeks, even months a few times where I was on your shit-list and you didn't love me enough to tell me what I did wrong. No, you buried yourself into your hollow reflection of a world and refused to let me in, thinking only of yourself and how right you were for it, how completely and utterly strong you were to ignore me." I breathed in, unable to believe so much had come out. "What a brave martyr you are, Lana."

Lana just stood there, knocked out of her composure and it felt good. It felt good to give a little of the hurt instead of constantly being on the receiving end. Because this time the hurt was for her and it was the fucking truth.

"You were a chicken, afraid of change, afraid of losing your composure, afraid of things not going your way. If you had just trusted me, Lana," I whispered. "If you had just not pushed me the fuck away." I tried to hold back the tears, and they stayed, but only with the strongest of iron will I was not completely sure would hold. This was a friend I had lost and there had never, ever been anything that I could have done to keep her. I had done everything right that I could have, tried my hardest and still she had shoved me away.

"I could have loved you, Lana. I could have been able to share myself with you. But now that's all lost. And it's completely and utterly your fault."

I forced myself to leave, overcome by the surprising sob I heard behind me before I shut the door. Maybe she would change. Maybe she wouldn't. But I knew that I already had. And that was enough to keep me walking.
[keep going, only one more]