As I Live and Breathe
a Beetlejuice fanfic
by
C. "Sparky" Read

Chapter Two

"Why won't you let me see my parents?"

The frazzled-looking receptionist barely glanced up from her paperwork. "I already told you," she hissed (literally; she was a giant monitor lizard), "you're dead now. You can't see anybody in the living world unless you're haunting them. Now be a good little girl and be quiet so I can work, hmm?"

Lydia crossed her arms and slouched on the hard wooden bench. It wasn't fair! It was bad enough that she was dead, but now she couldn't even say goodbye to her family? There had to be a form or something she could fill out...

At about that time, Beetlejuice came floating down the hall, humming tunelessly, and with his hands stuffed into his pockets. When he saw Lydia's sad face he stopped cold.

"Lyds!" he announced himself, and sat next to the girl. "What are you looking so sour about?"

Lydia was glad that her friend had arrived, but she was just too depressed to do anything about it. "I don't want to be dead," she said in a small voice.

Beetlejuice was taken aback. "You don't?" he asked, puzzled. "Why not? It's the greatest! Don't worry, babes - I'll teach you everything that I know about being dead. Here, like...this, for example."

And before Lydia could stop him he had lifted off her head.

"Aaaahh!" she screamed, shocked. "Beetlejuice! Put that back!"

Beetlejuice's grin faded and he uncerimoniously dropped Lydia's head back onto her shoulders. "Boy, you're a real killjoy today," he grumbled. Then he shrugged. "Don't worry," he said. "You'll get used to not having a pulse. Everyone does."

Despite herself, Lydia began to sniffle. "But - But Beej," she said, "they won't even let me see my parents..." She trailed off.

Beetlejuice didn't exactly know how to handle this one. "Well...Don't cry, Lyds," he said, choosing his words carefully. "You'll see them again when they die. You're immortal now - the time will just fly by, you'll see." But his voice had begun to lack conviction.

Lydia covered her face with her hands and nodded.

A frog-headed bailiff poked his head into the hallway. "Deetz, Lydia?" he croaked.

Lydia stood up and started towards the courtroom, then noticed that Beetlejuice wasn't following her. She turned around to see him still sitting on the bench, seemingly deep in thought.

"BJ?" she prompted. "Are you coming?"

Beetlejuice glanced up. "Huh? Oh. Be right with ya, babes."

Lydia shrugged and left. Beetlejuice watched her go, then teleported away.

Lydia followed the bailiff into the courtroom, the same one she had visited with Beetlejuice so many times in the past. There, in his usual spot behind the fifteen-foot-high podium, was Judge Mental, the Hanging Judge. The Judge glared sourly down at Lydia, and she became acutely aware of the trapdoor under her feet that she knew led directly to SandwormLand.

"Deetz, Lydia, you have been found to be an underaged ghost lacking in adult supervision," began the Judge after banging his gavel (a large bone) against a small, unhappy-looking skull that sat on the top of the podium. "This hearing is to determine your placement for the required one hundred twenty-five years that you must spend haunting the living. Your counselor will be Miss O'Byte of the Foundation For the Affairs Of the Recently Deceased, Juvenile Division."

As if by magic, Meg O'Byte appeared through a juryman's cel-phone. She solidified next to Lydia, who blinked in confusion.

"Miss O'Byte, do you wish to address the court before we begin?"

"I do." O'Byte stepped forward. "Your Honor, this is no ordinary case," she said/flashed. "This particular child has had liasons with the Neitherworld for some time prior to her demise."

Judge Mental frowned (deeper, that is). "Please explain yourself," he said gruffly.

"Certainly." O'Byte shooed Lydia away to sit behind a table, then the computer approached the jury. "This child," she began, "has several acquaintances on this side of the chasm, if I may use the vernacular." Several of the jury members grumbled at this, but the computer went on anyways. "I therefore would like to show the jury, through the testimony of witnesses, that this recently departed girl should be eligable to forego the customary haunting period and be placed directly within the Neitherworld."

A murmur swept through the jurybox.

Judge Mental pounded his gavel again, irritated at the modest outburst. Then he turned on O'Byte with a fierce glare. "I hope," he said slowly, "that you can present the court with some very solid evidence to prove what you claim."

"Certainly," said O'Byte again. "My witnesses will prove that this child is already familiar with the ways of the deceased."

"Call your precious witnesses, then."

O'Byte's printer sputtered, as if clearing itself of ink. "For my first, and key, witness," she began, "I call a Mr. Beetle Juice to the stand."

The court waited. Nothing happened.

Judge Mental narrowed his eyesockets at the computer.

Lydia jumped to her feet and began to make frantic waving gestures at O'Byte.

"I believe your client is trying to tell you something," grumped the Judge.

O'Byte scurried over to Lydia's table. "He's not here," whispered Lydia.

"I can see that," responded O'Byte with annoyance. "I thought you said you were his best friend. Now you may not - "

"He said he'd be right in," supplied Lydia. "He does this all the time...How important is his testimony, anyways?"

O'Byte glanced over her shoulder (if you could call it a shoulder) at the fuming Judge. "You say he's shown you around the Neitherworld and you've learned more from him about ghosts than from anyone else, right?"

"Right."

"Then it's very important. I don't believe we can win this case without him."

"Miss O'Byte," said Judge Mental sharply, "if you don't call a witness who is actually present I shall hold you in contempt of - "

"Greetings, Your Honor!" hissed a smooth voice from the door, which now stood open. "I hope I am not too late..?"

Lydia gasped at the figure which now strode purposefully into the courtroom. "Chester Slime?"

Chester Slime smiled smugly at O'Byte. "You may leave now, Counselor," he told her. "This is my case now. Go on. Shoo." He placed a briefcase on the table and popped it open.

A large question mark blinked on O'Byte's screen. "But - But - " she sputtered.

Beetlejuice wandered into the courtroom after Slime. "You heard her, toots," he addressed the computer. "Go get yourself an upgrade, or something."

O'Byte, disgusted, hurried out of the courtroom.

Judge Mental, who had been seething silently up to this point, now erupted. "You!" he cried, pointing his bone gavel shakily at Slime's head. "How dare you interrupt a Neitherworld trial! Bailiff!"

The frog-headed bailiff hopped forward.

Beetlejuice intercepted him. "Back off, wart-breath!" he warned the amphibian. "You know where you can go." With that he zapped the bailiff, who turned into a handsome prince. The bailiff took one look at himself and departed the courtroom, whooping loudly for joy.

"Beetlejuice," Lydia whispered urgently. "What's going on?"

"Don't worry, babes," he whispered back. "I got Chester Slime to be your lawyer. He says he can get you sent back to the real world - and alive to boot!"

Lydia gasped. "He can do that?" Then she paused. "But - Beetlejuice, Chester Slime is expensive. How will you pay him?"

Beetlejuice waved her off unconcernedly. "No problem, Lyds," he answered. "My credit's good."

"Yeah, right."

Beetlejuice had a seat next to Lydia and together they watched Slime go to work. He played the jury like a xylophone, convincing them that not only was Lydia's death an error generated by incorrectly filed paperwork, but also that the sky was, in actuality, chartreuse. He pulled exhibit after exhibit out of his apparently bottomless briefcase and presented them to the court. Although Judge Mental was obviously skeptical, the evidence was overwhelming and he wound up ruling in favor of Slime.

"And that's all there is to it." Beetlejuice stood up. "Come on, babes - let's get you home before ol' Chuckie startes to tear out what's left of his hair."

Lydia stood slowly. "A can't believe that's it," she said.

"Believe it." Chester Slime closed his briefcase with a snap and hefted it up. "I'll see you tonight with my payment," he told Beetlejuice. Then, with a final meaningful glance at Lydia, he sauntered out of the courtroom.