As I Live and Breathe
a Beetlejuice fanfic
by
C. "Sparky" Read

Chapter Three

After filling out a scant fifty-six-page release form, Lydia was informed by the receptionist that she was again alive (although, she noted with some interest, she felt no different). Lydia made Beetlejuice promise her that he would drop in later that night, then she teleported herself home by repeating the ghost's name three times.

She reappeared, coincidentally, in the same exact spot where her bike had landed that morning. She lingered at the bottom of the overgrown ditch for several minutes, examining the mangled bicycle with fascination and wishing that she had only thought to bring her camera with her that morning. After all, photos of her own death scene would definitely have been the crowning achievement of her collection. Finally, as it began to grow dark, she started the short walk home.

There was a squad car parked in the driveway. Lydia winced. Hoping her parents only thought that she was missing and not dead, Lydia chose to simply walk into the house as if nothing had happened.

"Hi Mom, hi Dad," she said nonchalantly, and headed for the stairs.

In accordance with her expectations, Delia screamed and Charles passed out.

"Lydia Deetz!" scolded Delia, stepping over her husband's inert form. "Where have you been? Your father and I have been worried sick!"

The policewoman seated on the couch flipped her notebook shut. "Is this the missing child, Ma'am?" she asked.

"Yes, yes - Thank you, officer." Delia fluttered around Lydia like a moth attracted to a Bug-Zapper. "Are you hurt? Were you snatched? What happened? Why weren't you in school today?" She grasped Lydia's face with both hands and turned it back and forth. "Miss Shannon called us personally to inform us that you were absent, you know, like she always does when you stay home sick, and I just knew you had left that morning because I saw you go myself and - "

The policewoman grunted something about procedure and showed herself out.

Charles began to stir. "Delia," he moaned, "I'm hallucinating again."

"No, you're not, silly," Delia called over her shoulder. "She's really home this time. Now, Lydia," she said, "we will expect a thourough explaination out of you."

Lydia wrenched her face free. "Um...yeah." Her mind raced. What could she tell them?

"Well, whatever happened today," said Charles, slowly climbing to his feet, "it must have taken a lot out of you, pumpkin." He arched an eyebrow at Delia. "Maybe we should let her go to bed now, dear, and she can tell us all about it in the morning..?"

Lydia heaved a sigh of relief. It was just like her father to come to her rescue, albeit inadvertantly.

"Oh - Yes, you're right, Charles," agreed Delia. "Go on up to your room, young lady," she told Lydia. "But get up extra early tomorrow so we can have a word with you before school."

Lydia nodded, kissed her parents goodnight, and escaped up the stairs.

"Whew," she breathed, closing her door and leaning against it. "That was a close one." She looked around, and her gaze finally settled on her mirror. She frowned at her watch. "Not again!" she exclaimed. "What could be keeping him this time?"

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"You can't keep me here!" Beetlejuice shouted, furious. "You can't - grg!"

"You be quiet, you sissy girly-man," warned Armhold Musclehugger, tightening his grip on Beetlejuice's neck. "Mr. Slime says, you can't pay, I keep you here until he comes back."

Beetlejuice struggled violently, until finally his body detached itself and dropped with a loud thud on the floor, limbs askew. Armhold released the ghost's head in surprise, and it landed in Beetlejuice's own lap.

"Hey, I'll pay the guy," Beetlejuice lied angrily. He got up and twisted his head back on. "So how about you let me out of here, whaddya say?"

Armhold respoded by pounding Beetlejuice into the floor like a railroad spike.

"I'll take that as a resounding 'No'."

"You stay here," repeated Armhold.

"Didn't we cover that about five paragraphs ago?" grumbled Beetlejuice, crawling out of his hole. "...Where is your deceitful yet stunningly dressed boss, anyway?"

"Right here." Chester Slime stepped into the cell and regarded Beetlejuice with a disdainful eye.

Beetlejuice glowered at the shorter man. "I told him and I'll tell you," he began angrily, "You can't keep me here! You can't - grg!"

"Oh, I'm not keeping you anywhere," Slime told the ghost, who now dangled yet again from Armhold's grip. "You're free to go." He smiled and nodded at Armhold, who released Beetlejuice's abused neck.

"Huh?" Beetlejuice floated there, and frowned skeptically at Slime. "You're letting me go? Just like that?"

Slime's smile did not waver. "No," he corrected the ghost, "I'm letting you go just like this."

And he snapped his fingers.

A troop of animal-headed bailiffs stormed into the cell and dragged Beetlejuice, cursing and making threats, down the hall and into a dark room.

Slime walked slowly after them, his hands clasped behind his back. Beetlejuice couldn't pay, that hadn't surprised him. In fact, Slime had known very well that the ghost would not be able to pay when he had agreed to be Lydia's attorney. That way, he knew, he would be able to extract his revenge on Beetlejuice legally, as per se his agreement with the one who had hired him...and the revenge he had planned promised to be very effective of removing Beetlejuice from his hair (as it were) permanently. What a stroke of luck that such an accident had befallen the ghost's mortal friend! It had only taken Slime a moment to swipe the necessary equipment - in fact, it was exactly like taking candy from a small child...

Ahead of him, in the dark room, Beetlejuice had only time enough to call Slime one unrepeatable name before the procedure began.