As I Live and Breathe
a Beetlejuice fanfic
by
C. "Sparky" Read

Chapter Six

"Meep meeeep!" honked Doomie emphatically, just before taking the next turn so sharply that Beetlejuice, who as usual wasn't strapped in, had to clutch frantically at the wheel.

"Now, Doomie - running over people never solved anything," Lydia chided the car. She turned to the former ghost. "Beetlejuice," she said, "I don't think cruising the Neitherworld sewer system is going to help us - As slimy as Slime is, he's just too sophisticated to hang out down here."

"Maybe not Slime, but his big hulking lackey might." Beetlejuice leaned over the dashboard with his mouth open to catch a few bugs. He chewed thoughtfully and added: "I thought I recognized that walking disaster's cologne - sewage! He's been down here for sure."

Lydia sighed. "Well, if you're sure," she agreed reluctantly.

"Oh come on, babes," said Beetlejuice, sitting back down. "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything, if I have to cremate Slime...even though he's already dead."

Beetlejuice's chivalry did little to asuage Lydia's sadness, however. She kept thinking about her parents - what if she never saw them again, or at least not until they died? How were they feeling right now? What if - what if her body was still in her room? She shivered. No - no, BJ had been in her room and he would have said something if her body had been there. In any case, her parents would be upset when their daughter didn't come downstairs in the morning...or ever again. Her poor father - this would tear him apart.

"Hey Doomie!" shrieked Beetlejuice suddenly. "Pull over!"

Doomie screeched to a halt, and Lydia managed a smile as she glanced over to Beetlejuice. "Now, Beej," she said slyly, "you should have thought of that before we left the Roadhouse."

Beetlejuice shot Lydia an amused glance. "No - Look over there."

Lydia looked to where her friend was pointing. "It's Armhold Musclehugger!" she cried in surprise. She and Beetlejuice climbed out of the car and flattened themselves against a wall of the sewer. Fortunately Musclehugger, who was leaning against the opposite wall, hadn't seen or heard them - he was listening to a portable radio through headphones, with his eyes closed. "You were right!" Lydia hissed.

"Of course I was right," Beetlejuice hissed back. "Doomie - go hide."

Doomie sniveled.

"Doomie, please," whispered Lydia. "We know you want to help, but for now we've got to lay low."

Doomie obediantly switched off his headlights and backed off into the shadows.

"All right, so..." Beetlejuice cast Lydia an empty look. "...what should we do?"

"Um...I'm not sure," Lydia admitted. "Without your powers, there's little we can do."

Beetlejuice merely shrugged. "But Lydia - you're the one with the juice now."

Lydia fidgeted. "But I don't know how to use it!"

"Oh come on, it's a snap. Here, this is what you gotta do..."

Armhold switched stations and found a polka. Finally, some decent music. He frowned down at his watch and tapped it. What was keeping Slime with that dough? He had places to be and people to pulverize - Did Slime think he was Armhold's only employer, or what? Armhold looked at the watch again and was actually suprised to find that the time hadn't advanced more than a few seconds. He solved the problem by smashing the watch against the sewer wall.

"Hey!" shouted Armhold in surprise as a brick bounced off of his head. He turned around to discover Beetlejuice, preparing to hurl another brick. When the former ghost saw Armhold blinking at him in surprise, he dropped the brick and shouted:

"Do it, Lyds!"

"Huh? Armhold looked around. "What is it that is going on?"

Lydia stepped out of the shadows. "Um, uh," she stammered.

"Now would be a good time!" yelled Beetlejuice.

Lydia took a deep breath. "Hey Armhold!" she shouted. "Take a long walk off of a short pier!"

"Huh?" repeated Armhold as a pier shot out of the ground where he was standing and grew out a few feet over the sewage. He stumbled, and fell into the water.

"Good one, Lyds!" enthused Beetlejuice. "Don't let him get away, Doomie!"

"Meep-meep!" answered the car, leaping into the air. He landed squarely on top of Armhold's chest.

"Oof-Gah!" Armhold coughed on some sewage. "You three will not be getting away with this!" he threatened the group.

"Ha! Watch us, you pathetic excuse for a lackey." Beetlejuice hopped onto Doomie's hood and leaned over the soggy Armhold. "Now tell us where Chester Slime is!"

"I will never tell! Slime said not to tell anyone!"

"Wait." Lydia frowned for a second, then floated jerkily over to the other side of the sewer, so she could see Armhold better. "Can you tell us how Slime switched us?"

Armhold paused. "Well..." He thought hard. The sewage around his head began to steam a bit. "Slime never told me not to tell that part..."

"So tell us already!" shouted Beetlejuice.

Armhold shrugged as best as he could under Doomie's weight. "It had something to do with a glowing thing in the Mayor's office. Now get this heap of metal off of me or I will really get peeved!"

"Wait a minute, what kind of glowing thing?"

"I am not knowing this," grunted Armhold, resuming his struggles. "It is pink, and fluffy, and smells like candy, and Slime stole it from a little girl in a blue dress and dark glasses."

Lydia and Beetlejuice gasped, "Little Miss Warden!"

"You mean this was done by something from NeitherNeitherLand?" cried Beetlejuice, shivering. "Oh, the horror!"

"We've got to get to the Mayor's office - come on, Doomie!" She and Beetlejuice jumped into the car, and Doomie sped off down the sewer towards the Political District.

Armhold got up and watched the others leave. Then he retrieved his radio from the water.

"Ach," he said. "They have made me lose my station."

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"I am very pleased - very pleased indeed!" The Mayor nodded his bandaged head. "You, sir, have done something no one else has ever been able to do: rid the Neitherworld of that pest Beetlejuice."

Slime pressed his fingers together. "But of course, Mr. Mayor," he said smugly. "I always see my tasks to completion."

"But you disappeared!" complained Maynot, pounding a fist on his desk. "I thought you had scammed me!"

Slime shook his head and tsked softly. "Now, now, Mr. Mayor," he said soothingly, "would I do that to you? I think you are confusing me with a certain ex-Ghost With the Most, as it were."

"Yes...yes." Mayor Maynot leaned back in his chair. "I suppose you're right." He reached behind the desk and pulled out a cardboard box, which smelled strongly of cotton candy. "Now will you please get this thing out of my office?" he implored, thrusting the box across the desk at Slime. "Mrs. Bugsly has been accusing me of taking candy from babies again!"

Slime shook his head. "The device is your problem," he said, standing up. "My job is done. Just throw it in the landfill, like everything else."

Maynot harrumphed. "Well, I suppose there's no sense in changing old habits now," he agreed.

"Mr. Mayor," said Mrs. Bugsly, poking her head into the office, "I told her to wait outside but she barged in and - "

"I wanna talk to the man in charge!" shrilled Little Miss Warden, squeezing past the secretary into the office. "You!" she shouted, pointing at Slime. "You're the bad man who stole my Cotton Candy Switcheroo Thingy!" She stomped a patent-leather-clad foot. "That wasn't very nice!"

"Who is this horrid loud brat - I mean, sweet little girl?" demanded the Mayor.

Slime strode over to Little Miss Warden, and bent down a bit to get on her eye-level (it didn't take much). "My, my, you're a fiesty little thing," he commented patronizingly.

Little Miss Warden kicked Slime in the shins.

"Ow!" yelled Slime. He hopped backwards in pain and bumped into the Mayor's desk, knocking the box to the floor. An item that looked remarkably like a large puff of glowing pink cotton candy bounced out of it.

There was a flash of light.

At that moment, Beetlejuice and Lydia shoved past Mrs. Bugsly.

"Woah!" cried Beetlejuice. "What happened to you guys?"

Maynot - who now stood where Slime had been a moment before - looked at his hands, and then at a portion of his wrist which wasn't covered in bandages. "I - I'm visible again!" he shouted in surprise. He pulled off a long strip of bandage from his arm. "This is horrible!"

"This is horrible!" echoed Slime from behind the desk. The only thing left in sight was his suit and shoes. "Look what your ridiculous toy has done to me!" he snapped at Little Miss Warden.

The little girl sniffed. "That's what you get for being naughty," she replied.

Lydia darted forward and carefully nudged the device back into its box with one foot. She closed the box and picked it up.

"Hey!" shouted Little Miss Warden indignantly, "That's mine! Give it back!"

"In a minute," said Lydia, and turned to Slime. "Tell me how to switch Beetlejuice and I back to normal," she said, "or I'll send this thing back to NeitherNeitherLand!"

"No!" cried the Mayor and Slime together.

"Then talk," hissed Lydia.

Little Miss Warden folded her arms. "You're all a bunch of meanies," she pouted.