Do I...?
by Yukitsu
Disclaimer: I love Yami no Matsuei, but it's not mine.
This had been finished in a quarter of an hour. A totally unplanned fic. After reading tons of great old fics by Yami no Matsuei authors, I was star- struck. I just HAD to start typing. I'm not as good (I think YnM authors aren't from my country. That makes it explainable), but I hope I'm decent enough.
Thoughts of Hisoka.
~~~~~~~
Funny. I don't remember how I felt before everything started. I don't remember lullabies from my mother, pats on the head from my father, smiles from the people around me, nothing. It's as if happiness and my life were never meant to be.
I only remember the horrible times when I was alive, but not the happy times.
I remember that time when nobody wanted me. That time when I was looked upon as a monster, a creature that didn't deserve to exist. I remember that time when everybody shunned me, when everybody feared me, when everbody hated me. I remember when I was very young, and innocent, and ignorant of the facts in life. I remember how they destroyed my childhood. How, in hating me, their hate seeped into me, and I hated myself.
I remember him.
Him who took my life away. The man who abused me and cursed me and left me in pain. I remember the way he had gazed at me with his half-amused eyes. I remember his stare, they way he looked at me while I was suffering. I remember his perverted satisfaction and glee. I remember *feeling* his satisfaction and glee. The way he took pleasure in giving me pain. I remember feeling his amusement even when I couldn't take the pain anymore, even while I was screaming my throat raw. I can't forget it.
I remember the way he carved that curse into my body, sealing my bond with him, making sure that I forever remain as his puppet. I remember the anguish of the three years after that. I remember the excruciating pain I felt every single minute of every single day. I remember feeling the pain of others, of how I couldn't distinguish my agony from their's, of how I thought their mourning was mine, for me, for my loss.
I remember the feeling of dying. Of how free it felt. Of how alive I actually became. Ironic, isn't it? That the moment of my demise is also the start of my meaningful existence.
Because of my death I met them. I met Tatsumi-san, and Watari-san. I met Konoe-kachou, Wakaba-san, Terazuma-san. I met the most humane person that I have ever seen in my entire life and afterlife. Tsuzuki.
When I died, I met the people who made me feel important. The people who made me want to go on. The people who actually treated me as their friend, comrade, family. I met the person who made me feel wanted, that I wasn't worthless afterall.
So... does that mean that I should thank Muraki for killing me? For putting me out my misery like a dog? For unknowingly introducing me to death and my future?
My happiness.
No. I don't think that day will come. He's made people suffer. Maria-san, Tsubaki-hime, dozens of other people. Tsuzuki.
Me.
Unforgivable.
But still...
Do I...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did you guys think?
I know. Totally pointless.
But please allow me to wallow in my self-pity and misery, however pathetic that may sound. Lol
May 21, 2003
by Yukitsu
Disclaimer: I love Yami no Matsuei, but it's not mine.
This had been finished in a quarter of an hour. A totally unplanned fic. After reading tons of great old fics by Yami no Matsuei authors, I was star- struck. I just HAD to start typing. I'm not as good (I think YnM authors aren't from my country. That makes it explainable), but I hope I'm decent enough.
Thoughts of Hisoka.
~~~~~~~
Funny. I don't remember how I felt before everything started. I don't remember lullabies from my mother, pats on the head from my father, smiles from the people around me, nothing. It's as if happiness and my life were never meant to be.
I only remember the horrible times when I was alive, but not the happy times.
I remember that time when nobody wanted me. That time when I was looked upon as a monster, a creature that didn't deserve to exist. I remember that time when everybody shunned me, when everybody feared me, when everbody hated me. I remember when I was very young, and innocent, and ignorant of the facts in life. I remember how they destroyed my childhood. How, in hating me, their hate seeped into me, and I hated myself.
I remember him.
Him who took my life away. The man who abused me and cursed me and left me in pain. I remember the way he had gazed at me with his half-amused eyes. I remember his stare, they way he looked at me while I was suffering. I remember his perverted satisfaction and glee. I remember *feeling* his satisfaction and glee. The way he took pleasure in giving me pain. I remember feeling his amusement even when I couldn't take the pain anymore, even while I was screaming my throat raw. I can't forget it.
I remember the way he carved that curse into my body, sealing my bond with him, making sure that I forever remain as his puppet. I remember the anguish of the three years after that. I remember the excruciating pain I felt every single minute of every single day. I remember feeling the pain of others, of how I couldn't distinguish my agony from their's, of how I thought their mourning was mine, for me, for my loss.
I remember the feeling of dying. Of how free it felt. Of how alive I actually became. Ironic, isn't it? That the moment of my demise is also the start of my meaningful existence.
Because of my death I met them. I met Tatsumi-san, and Watari-san. I met Konoe-kachou, Wakaba-san, Terazuma-san. I met the most humane person that I have ever seen in my entire life and afterlife. Tsuzuki.
When I died, I met the people who made me feel important. The people who made me want to go on. The people who actually treated me as their friend, comrade, family. I met the person who made me feel wanted, that I wasn't worthless afterall.
So... does that mean that I should thank Muraki for killing me? For putting me out my misery like a dog? For unknowingly introducing me to death and my future?
My happiness.
No. I don't think that day will come. He's made people suffer. Maria-san, Tsubaki-hime, dozens of other people. Tsuzuki.
Me.
Unforgivable.
But still...
Do I...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did you guys think?
I know. Totally pointless.
But please allow me to wallow in my self-pity and misery, however pathetic that may sound. Lol
May 21, 2003
