Chapter Four

The Gorbeau Tenement, 1832

Enjolras: *tiptoes up the stairs with a large sack in his hand* Okay, so here's the plan. I'll knock on the door. When he comes out, we toss him in the sack, and beat some sense into his head

Eponine: *blink* That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

Combeferre: Enjolras, you've got to stop using violence as a solution to all problems.

Enjolras: *glare* Either of you have a better idea?

Eponine: *jumps on that* Well, after we've got him tied up in the sack, I could just take him back to my place and snuggle him until he sees the light

Valjean: That's not any better! I still think we should use my idea

Combeferre: For the last time, Monsieur Fauchelevent, we're not chaining him to the keel of a ship bound for Africa! I still say that maybe we should try holding an intervention for--

Enjolras: *stamps his foot loudly* Everyone be quiet! Now, we're sticking to the plan, and that's the end of it!

Valjean: *sulks*

Eponine: *sulks*

Combeferre: *sulks*

Enjolras: *knocks on door* Pontmercy? Oh, Pontmercy?

Thenardier: *emerges from next door* Azelma? What are you doing?

Eponine: *sigh* Dad, I'm Eponine.

Thenardier: Whatever

Eponine: We're looking for Monsieur Marius. You seen him?

Thenardier: Monsieur who?

Eponine: Grr! That dreamy lawyer who you're always making me weasel money from, remember?

Thenardier: Oh, him. The cops hauled him away earlier this morning.

Eponine: What?! Why?

Thenardier: Something about stalking, I think. *shrug*

Valjean: *gleefully* Heh heh! About time! *heads home*

Enjolras: *gets a light bulb over his head* Another of my men fallen victim to our corrupt justice system!

Combeferre: *sigh* Enjolras…

Enjolras: A martyr for the cause! Our number of supporters is going to double when this gets out! *runs away, already plotting*

Combeferre: Enjolras, wait! *runs after him*

Eponine: *gasp* My poor sweet Marius! I've got to help him! *hurries away*

The Grand Chatelet Prison, 1832

Marius: *locked into a dark cell, humming the Work Song under his breath*

Eponine: *taps at the bars* Monsieur Marius, I just heard the news! My poor darling, are you all right in there?

Marius: Eponine, what are you doing here?

Eponine: I came to tell you I love you!

Marius: *frowns* What?

Eponine: I love you, Marius!

Marius: *sigh* Well, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I-I…

Eponine: *looks at the floor sadly* I know, I know, you're still in love with Cosette

Marius: *glare* That little two-timer? Never!

Eponine: What?

Marius: She dumped me for some guy she just met this morning! Can you believe that?

Eponine: *shrieks with joy* Yes! She's finally out of the picture! You're mine, all mine!

Marius: No. I'm afraid that can never be

Eponine: What?

Marius: I've decided to swear off of romance. It's nothing but trouble. From now on, I'm devoting my life to two things. Napoleon, and scrubbing the mildew out of this cell.

Eponine: No!

Marius: Goodbye, Eponine.

Eponine: *flees the dungeon, crying*

Pierre: *posted at the exit* Didn't go well, I take it?

Eponine: *sniffle* He dumped me! He actually dumped me! Now who am I going to stalk in my spare time? Who am I going to sing angst for? *bursts into tears again*

Pierre: *looking starstruck* Wow. You like angst too? Say, you don't happen to have a boyfriend, do you?

Eponine: *brightens* How do you feel about rain and flowers?

Pierre: Uh…I love them?

Eponine: *blushes* Hehe…has anyone ever told you you look great in that uniform?

Corny romantic music begins to play on those stupid chimes again

Rue Plumet:

Valjean: *reaches his home* Well, that was an experience I never want to repeat! But, hey, at least this whole crazy episode is over, and my daughter and I can get back to our nice, quiet life together *opens the gate, only to find…*

Cosette: *sitting on the bench with a young, blond sailor* Oh, Raoul, it was so brave of you to save me from those police. I love you! Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in that Marius guy.

Raoul de Chagny: It's so nice to finally meet a woman without any symptoms of schizophrenia! *sighs contentedly* I love you, Cosette!

*They kiss*

Valjean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE END