That was the way it went for years. Me and Áine living from day to day, not seeing much of our mother. I finally got a construction job, down by the square, when she was about 3. I worked there for a while, and it was good money, even if it was hard work. I never minded the hard work. I looked at it like...if I could make the money and support us, I didn't care how I did it, as long as it was legal. Growing up on the "wrong side of the tracks," so to speak, watching people on the wrong side of the law my whole life...I never had been to sympathetic for that life. I'd seen to many times when someone could have gone the straight and narrow, done what was right, but didn't, and because of it had either died...or ended up in jail...or worse. I may have been a slum kid, but I wasn't stupid.
Everyday, after I'd finished my shift at the construction sites, I would go and pick up Áine from school. I couldn't afford a car, so I had to walk. Even then, I was a scrawny kid. walking that far and eating so little tended to do that to someone. The route I took...unfortunately...had to go through the territory of a couple of fighting gangs. Not that I could help that. If not even the police could stop them, what was I going to do, right? And somewhere along the lines...over the years...my presence went noticed, by both sides of the fight. At first it didn't seem like anything, I don't think. But...I appeared enough, was in the neighborhood one to many times...and they started thinking I was a member of the opposite side. Had I know this, I would have...well...I don't really know what I would have done...
I tried to stay away from them as much as possible. I always had been a bit of a loner, and especially on the streets, where if you were to personable, you were dead. It was just street-smarts, to keep out of their way. So I did just that. And day after day, I went back and forth between work and the school, picking up Áine and taking her home.
But then...when you're noticed like that...it's bound to come back to haunt you, whether it was your fault or not. That day...I...I didn't notice anything off, same as always. but...who does in these kinds of things. I'm sure if half the people that have had bad things happen to them knew it was going to happen...they would avoid it...
I remember picking up Áine from school, same as always...I was carrying her on my arm, she was always a little girl for her age...I turned down the corner, headed down the alley...and...and the next thing I knew, we were being fenced in by a circle of guys...kids, really. Everything seemed to blur into everything else...I heard accusations of being a Blood...or a Krypt...I dunno...I was scared, and I could tell that Áine was, too. I denied it, of course, tried to convince them to let us go, but...well, the next thing I know, I was running. I'd somehow broken through the group and I was running with her in my arms, trying to get somewhere...anywhere...I could be safe.
Normally, if you're being attacked, you head for a crowded area...something about gangs...that doesn't matter...they'll cut your feet out from under you either way. And I knew we hadn't gotten far. I heard a shot, a couple of shots maybe...and the next thing I knew I was on the ground. I dimly remembering trying to throw Áine away from me, so I wouldn't crush her underneath me...she landed less than a foot away from me...and the fear she'd already had erupted into tears. I tried to stand up...it took me a long moment to realize that...I couldn't feel my legs, but I could feel sharp pains all over my back. I felt like I couldn't breathe...I don't know if it was from the wounds, or just the panic...but I felt like I was suffocating, like everything I was doing was slowed, as if I were in a pool of water.
I heard their footsteps behind me, but I ignored it when I reached for Áine. I wanted to pull her closer and just hold her, make her stop crying...as if that would make everything better...but...they took her from me. I remember reaching for her as she was lifted away from me...and then feeling myself being lifted up after her. They dangled me by my arms, where I could see them, what they were doing...and they were holding her up by her hair...They were talking to me...I can't remember what they said...it was all a blur at that point...I tried to tell them to let her go...I remember laughter...and then... The...the sound of he cries was...now that I think about it...so much better than the silence that followed it...At least then...I knew she...I knew she was alive...They made me stand there and watch as...as she writhed and twitched on the ground...By the time she'd gone still...I don't think there was a shred of me that had the energy to move...or to think...It was as if...watching her...dying...it was like I'd been dying with her...but I was still awake to see the end of it...
I remember...falling...I remember another gunshot...but...Even then...I didn't feel anything other than cold...it was like I was numb. I had the sensation, the knowledge that...the world was going away...somehow...I knew what it was, and I welcomed it. All I could do was lay there and stare at her body...I didn't even have the strength to reach over and touch her hand. I just remember...thinking to myself...this is it...so this is what all my hard work came to...all my work and she'd still ended up another body in the streets...and at that moment I didn't care...about anything. I just...closed my eyes...and let the cold wash over me.
I don't know how long I lay there...it seemed like forever...but then the next thing I knew...the cold came screaming back...I went from...nothing to horrible cold...and water...My mind panicked when I realized I was covered in water, wrapped in a tarp...I struggled, feeling chains around me, and then suddenly I was free. I swam to the surface, took a breath, not realizing even then that I'd been struggling for a very...very long time. I hadn't been able to take a breath for who knew how long. The only thing that came to my mind was Áine...I didn't know where she was...I had no memory of what had happened...I knew I had to find her, but...I couldn't say why. I was worried more about her than I was about myself.
The first thing that actually reached me from the outside world was the voice...at first I didn't hear it...but then it got louder...and I looked up, trying to see who'd said it...but the only thing I saw was...a large, black bird, perched on the ground not far from my head. He watched me...as if he was as interested in me as I was in him...and then I finally seemed to realize just...where the voice was coming from...
I know people talk all the time about hearing voices in their heads, but...there's something so...unreal and real at the same time about this...that tells you it's not in your head...you're compelled to believe it...like there's no reason not to. The voice was comforting...but...at the same time...he spoke with a determination. He knew what I had to know...what I had to remember...and he was there to help me...the voice seemed to...go through me...in the strangest way. It was as if this creature...this bird who could speak to me...had known me my whole life...and loved me like a child...it was like a parent I didn't know I'd had...He told me everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok, but...that I had a job to do here, back on Earth, before I could rest. Always comforting...always it was ok, it was going to be alright. Like I was a child experiencing something new and frightening...and that was how I felt. I didn't understand, and he tried to explain things to me as easily as he could...but my mind was so muddled by that time that I wasn't able to make out what he meant.
Finding the body of your little sister...in a dump ground...rotted away by maggots and...nothing but...bone and hard, leather like flesh, the remnants of clothes and hair...it's a very humbling moment. But then...something about it...about death...the fact that she was dead...didn't bother me, like one would think. I wasn't afraid of her body...Not even with the...decayed...rotted, grotesque form she'd taken. It was still her...and I remember going to my knees and just...reaching out and holding her in my arms.
That was when the memories flashed back into my head. Everything...in that moment...it was as if I was there, at the moment of our deaths...reliving exactly what had happened...in a way, I was. I felt the pain as the wounds opened back up...bled...and then healed back over...but all I could do was...lay there and let the memories wash over me. I could feel myself jerking with the gunshots...and the pain...and I realized, afterwards, that my body had in fact been moving without my knowledge. I'd been standing the way they'd forced me to stand, moving as I had that day...I truthfully had no knowledge of the present moment. In my mind...I was still alive...I was watching her die for the first time...and I was letting myself go for the first time.
Only afterwards did I wake up and realize what had happened. It seemed like days later...it may only have been moments...or hours...but I sat up...and I cried. I lay there and sobbed, and screamed, as if it would make it go away. My father would have beat me to see me acting that way. I hadn't cried since I was a child. And I'm not afraid to admit it now. When you've...been through something like this...you realize how unimportant things like this are. Yes, I was sobbing and screaming and crying so much I would make a woman uneasy...but the knowledge was too much for me to handle. The fact that you're dead, that the only person that ever meant the world to you was murdered in front of your face...that...you're back on Earth when you should be in a grave...or in Heaven or Hell or whatever you believe in...it's more than anyone would be able to handle.
Looking back now...I can see my mind for what it was at that moment. I suppose it's a sort of mental safety mechanism...just for people in this situation...so that they can handle what they'll have to do...but at that moment...I was so full of anger...and sadness...and rage that I wasn't thinking straight at all. I wasn't in my right mind. and that was what eventually stopped my crying. It just seemed as if everything melted away except for the anger...and I stopped...as if I'd never been crying. just like that. and then as if I wasn't in control of myself again, I stood...and I walked to a nearby police phone...and I dialed 911. I told them where to find Áine's body...and I walked off...I went to do what had to be done.
