A/N: I just wish to take this opportunity to announce that I do really love Harry. However, I am not one of those deluded souls who naively believes that Harry will get full marks in all his OWLs, take his NEWTs a year early, become captain of the England Quidditch team while still at school, defeat Voldemort in his sleep and manage to pick up a First from Cambridge in rocket science on the way. This story is for the believers, the Chosen Ones, who can see that past the hyped up exterior Harry is really just endearingly stupid. I admit I may have overdone it here, but it's more fun that way! And thanks for all the reviews! (

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and friends, enemies, and related thingys belong to J.K. Rowling.



Chapter Three: May Battle Commence . . .

The next morning found Harry Potter sitting in an armchair in the Burrow trying to read Voldemort's present. Which he was holding the wrong way up.

'It seems to be in code,' said Harry, wisely, to Hermione, who was sitting on a sofa giggling at something that Ron had just whispered to her (I'll leave you to guess what!). Hermione turned to look.

'Um . . . actually Harry, you hold it this way up,' said Hermione, taking the dictionary and replacing it the right way in Harry's hands.

'Aaaaaaaaaaah,' said Harry, pushing his glasses down his nose so as to look as wise as possible. 'Of course. I was simply . . . testing you.'

'Yes, Harry,' said Hermione kindly, elbowing Ron, who was curled up laughing in a rather less than subtle way.

A few moments elapsed. Then . . .

'It seems to be in code,' said Harry again, looking across to Ron and Hermione. Hermione looked quite worried.

'Er . . . no Harry, you're holding it the right way up and everything.'

'Well, how come I still can't read it then?'

Ron looked uncomfortable. Hermione looked uncomfortable.

'Um . . . Harry?' began Hermione.

'Yes?' said Harry.

'Er . . . can you actually read?'

'Oh!' said Harry, proudly. 'Yes, of course. I got up to the first level in my reading books at my old school.'

'Ah,' said Hermione.

'Er . . . what's he on about Hermione?' asked Ron, having not been to Muggle school.

Hermione lowered her voice, so Harry couldn't hear her reply. Which was rather unnecessary as Harry was too busy trying to look as if he was wisely reading a dictionary. Which was again, the wrong way up. 'Er . . . Harry got to first level reading. Which means he can read colours like 'green' and some animals and some basic words like 'roof' and 'door'.'

'Ah,' said Ron, tactfully. Unfortunately he collapsed into giggles straight afterwards for quite some time, muttering to himself: 'door! door!' which kind of spoilt the effect.

Harry looked at him, troubled, his glasses almost sliding off the end of his nose. Hermione saw this, patted Ron, and said to Harry. 'Simple things . . .' Harry nodded wisely.

Then asked, 'What?'

'. . . please simple people.' Finished Hermione, patiently.

Harry looked very confused. Then comprehension dawned. 'Oh! Like DOORS!' he said. Then added 'boors' absently for no apparent reason.

'Yes, like doors. And 'boors'? Harry, why 'boors'?'

Harry looked at her severely. 'You know, Po.'

'Harry, what . . . ?'

Harry sighed, exasperated. Then said, pointedly, 'You said we have to speak in rhyme all the time.'

'Harry, that finished yesterday.'

'That did not rhyme, now what's the time?' said Harry, gravely.

Hermione collapsed into hysterics and joined Ron, who was now rolling around on the floor, still shouting, 'DOOR!' randomly. Harry blinked, looked at them, concerned, and then remembered that he had to send Voldemort a howler. He pootled off to fetch a red envelope, and found Mrs. Weasley also taking an envelope out of the cupboard. She, however, did not seem to want him to know this.

'Erm . . . you go first, Harry dear,' said Mrs. Weasley, sounding quite breathless. Harry looked bemused, shrugged, picked out a red envelope and walked out. If he had been awake enough to listen, he might have heard a nervous giggle, and something that sounded very much like, 'Aah, Gildy,' but he wasn't really paying that much attention. So he carried his red envelope up to Ron's room and screamed.

'I HATE YOU! EVIL MAN! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID DICTIONARY THING! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOY ME! BUT I CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN YOU! IN FACT YOUR OTHER HOWLER WAS SO QUIET I COULDN'T EVEN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR IT! HA! YOU CAN'T SHOUT! BUT ANYWAY I HATE YOU! YOU REALLY REALLY ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! SEE I CAN SCREAM LOUDER!'

Unfortunately, Harry was interrupted in mid-shout by Hermione and Ron, now virtually calmed down, peering round the door.

'Er . . . Harry?' asked Hermione, looking disturbed.

'Yes?' asked Harry, calmly. 'What is it?'

'Er . . . what are you doing?'

'I've forgotten.' Said Harry, peaceably.

'Well, it sounded like you were shouting.' Said Ron, helpfully. 'A lot. Very loudly.'

'Oh yes,' said Harry vaguely. 'I was sending a Howler.'

'Oh.' said Hermione. Then very unwisely added: 'To who? And why?'

'Lord Voldemort. Because he ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'

'NO!' shouted Ron, and banged his head against the door.

'Don't damage the door, Ron,' said Hermione, irritably. However, this did not really calm Ron down, as he immediately fell down laughing, shouting sporadically, 'DOOR! DOOR!' Hermione turned to Harry, exasperated.

However, Harry was laughing too. 'You said 'to who?' Hermione, you said 'to who'! Twit-t-woo! Twit-t- woo! You're an owl Hermione! You're an owl.'

Meanwhile, the Howler was sitting there in front of Harry, innocently recording the entire conversation. Harry then noticed it, and began shouting again. 'I HATE YOU! AND WHY DID YOU YODEL? WHY ON EARTH DID YOU YODEL YOU STUPID MAN?'

Hermione touched Harry on the shoulder. 'Erm . . . Harry, I think he said he yodelled because you did.'

'Oh yeah!' said Harry happily, then began to shout 'YODEL-EH-I- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' loudly into the poor, deafened envelope. 'ANYWAY I HATE YOU! KEEP AWAY FROM ME! NEVER WRITE TO ME AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AND STOP WATCHING BOB THE BUILDER! AND HE CAN ALWAYS FIX IT YOU FOOL! BOB CAN ALWAYS FIX IT! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! YOU'RE JEALOUS OF BOB AND YOU'RE JEALOUS OF ME! YODEL-EH-I-OOOOOOOOO! YOU'RE JUST SAD BECAUSE MY YODELLING IS BETTER THAN YOURS! BUT I HATE YOU! STAY AWAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!'

And with this Harry calmly sealed the envelope and began to try to address it. Hermione saw that he was having some difficulty. 'Er . . . Harry, do you want me to teach you how to spell 'Voldemort'?' she offered kindly.

'No, because that would really ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY me!' said Harry, finally settling for again, writing 'Freak'. 'He ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me, Hermione, he really really ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me.'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' screamed Hermione.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' screamed Ron. They then both ran from the room, leaving Harry to find an owl.

He eventually found the obliging Pig, who was very excited at the prospect of delivering a brightly-coloured letter. In fact he was so excited that he kept on jumping up and down so Harry was occupied for quite some time trying to tie on the Howler, during which, Hermione and Ron had time to calm down.

As Pig flew off into the clear blue sky, Harry Potter waved at him. 'See you later, alligator.' He murmured. If Pig had been a cultured owl, he would have turned round and replied, 'In a while, crocodile.' But Pig just flew away.

Ron turned to Hermione. 'It's an owl, not a crocodile!' he said (yes, dear little Ronniekins does have a talent for stating the obvious).

'Well, you did call him pig . . .' began Hermione. Then she turned to Harry. 'But that wasn't what we came to talk to Harry about, was it Ron?' she said, elbowing Ron and glaring at him.

'Erm . . . no.' said Ron.

'You see, Harry,' began Hermione, 'don't you think that You-Know-Who might try even harder to kill you if you keep sending him hate mail?'

'Probably,' said Harry, vacantly. Then said: 'But he really does ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY me!'

Ron screamed. Hermione screamed. Ron ran away. Hermione ran away. 'AAAAAAAAAAARGH!' they both shouted, leaving Harry alone.

Hermione turned to Ron. Ron turned to Hermione. 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' asked Hermione.

'Probably,' said Ron. 'But why would courgettes feel the NEED to take over the world?'

'Nooooo!' said Hermione. 'If You-Know-Who does kill Harry, he won't be able to tell us that he's annoyed anymore!'

'YES!' shouted Ron. 'That's our answer!' And he turned to Hermione and kissed her.

Meanwhile, Harry was still sitting in Ron's bedroom, fuming against Lord Voldemort. Mrs. Weasley had come up, still rather pink, to see what the matter was. 'Are you alright, Harry dear?' she asked, kindly.

'Yes,' replied Harry, 'but he ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'

'We know, Harry,' said Mrs. Weasley, hugging him. 'We really do know.'



A/N: Hope you liked it! Please review! (