CHAPTER 1 – Bachelor of Power
Ganondorf tore through his sock drawer.
"Tonight is very special," he mumbled at the floor. "This can't be happening. Red, blue, black, none of them the same color! Moblin's ass!" He tossed a fistful of socks at the wall and then turned his eyes up to gaze at a portrait of himself on the nightstand. The golden-leafed frame held a picture of him from his college days. He wore an ascot and held a badminton racket, the Triforce of power shining brightly on his swatting hand. Those were happier times. The picture reminded him of the man he'd always said he wanted to be. He knew he wouldn't ever be that man.
If he still truly had it in him, he would be plotting right now on how to overthrow the king and enslave Hyrule. "I'm broken. I'm used up, done." His eyes turned down for a moment but then that little flash of hope came back. For the past few years, the days had blended together in a constant cycle of highs and lows. Tonight, things were just a little bit different. He was going to meet someone.
He looked into his bedside mirror and smiled, checking his face for blemishes. They were all right where they were supposed to be. His teeth were a shade of yellow previously thought unattainable. He was brushing cookie crumbs from his hands when the doorbell rang out.
Ganondorf rushed downstairs, forgetting his socks and stumbling over the Trident of Power he'd carelessly leaned on the doorframe. This was a special night with a special visitor. He opened the door to reveal his date, Tiffany. She was red haired, tan, and caked in the same dusty dirt as all Gerudos. She wore a purple onesie and carried a scimitar, but it hung loose in her hand, as though she wasn't quite sure what it was for. Ganondorf gave one of his trademark grinning leers and cooed in his sweetest voice. "Sup, babe?"
"I MUST OBEY THE GREAT GANON…DORF." Tiffany slurred her words. Her eyes stood wide open, interrupted by asymmetrical blinks and the occasional nose twitch.
"That's a very pretty leotard-thing you're wearing…" Ganondorf poured the charm on further, casting out his man-bait.
"I MUST OBEY THE GREAT GANONDORF." She repeated the phrase, devoid of love and fear. She was indifferent beyond indifference.
"Isn't this a beautiful night?"
"I MUST OBEY…"
"Oh, forget it," he released her mind control. "Would you like to go to the King's Ball with me? Be honest." The Gerudo woman took a couple of heaving breaths, smacked her face a few times and then stared at him blankly. She slowly shook her head back and forth. "I expected as much," Ganondorf sighed. Without love or fear, what was the point? "You may leave."
She at last seemed to snap back to reality and fled with a quick, nervous glance back. This left Ganondorf alone to think about things.
"Being an evil king just isn't what it's supposed to be!" Defeated, he turned, letting his door swing shut. With tired legs he slumped back upstairs to collapse face first on his bed. For a few moments, he felt the tears coming again. He squinted them off and started fumbling with his hands at the nightstand. He found what he was looking for, a globe of slimy glass. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stared at his crystal ball.
Images of Kokori eating meals together began to swirl in the dark mists.
"Just look at all of them. Having fun, dancing, prancing around..." Ganondorf froze, as a Kokori a full head taller than the others came into his view. He knew this one. "Ocarina-sucking clod," he seethed.
He let the crystal ball fall out of his hands and roll to the floor. He pounded a fist against his knee. "What was I thinking? That anyone would come to the ball with me willingly? That's a good joke! The king would order me killed if I appeared anyway! He's the vindictive sort. Not the kind to give do-overs." A single tear rolled down the side of his nose. "Why must I be feared for my extreme violence and crimes against the people? Why can't they let me fly free?"
Ganondorf's face flip-flopped from despair to rage. He jumped to his feet, then for added emphasis hovered himself above the ground. "NO," he bellowed, causing thunder to crash in the distance, "The Great Evil King Ganondorf needs no one! I will rip their toenails off and feed it to their pets! I will eat their hearts and spread their entrails across the land! I'll fill Hylia like a grand wine cup with their blood! I will laugh in their faces as I get all the chicks! BWAHAHAHAHA!" As he laughed maniacally, he hovered just a little too high and got his hair caught in a ceiling fan.
"Waha—agh!" he cried as the fan spun him around until his hair tore, sending him crashing against a shelf on the wall, sprawling his prized collections of bottled wise men and poe souls all around the room. A nasty bruise began to form on his cheek.
Curling into the fetal position on the floor, Ganondorf started weeping. "I'm hopeless. I'll never change. I don't deserve to live!" The words were the same ones he'd been playing through his head for years but finally giving them sound gave him the grim determination he'd been lacking.
Throwing on his spiked boots, he dashed out into the desert. Pulling his pipe organ out of his back pocket, he played Pokerface instrumental version and summoned his black Gerudo Stallion, Sugardrop. They rode hard to the top of Death Mountain, a journey which took several days. At last, they arrived. Petting the faithful animal on the snout one last time, he reminisced about their travels and realized that Sugardrop was the only thing in the world that had ever truly tolerated him. Even it would be happier without him. He gave it a kiss on the lips as he was wont to do and then his determination came back. After looking at the Triforce symbol in his hand and not caring about the consequences, he threw himself off and awaited the sweet taste of death below.
