CHAPTER 4

A.K.A. The Great Ganondorf is dead. Or is he? OK, he's really dead.

Link stopped to think about his predicament. How could he, the hero of time, be forced to do his own laundry? It wasn't like Zelda couldn't spare a servant. It wasn't like he wore all that much. Zelda was a selfish poopy-face.

A knock came at the bottom of his tree. He looked out upon the sickeningly sweet Kokiri Village and spit in anger. The spit hit his visitor.

"Ew," the visitor breathed, who looked like a royal announcer of some sort. "Mr. Link, Princess Zelda wishes to see you."

"I am Sir Link, mere pion," Link slowly said in an English accent. "And I have no desire what-so-ever to see that selfish poopy-face."

"But sir…"

"NO! I have no intention of saving her again! I never get any!"

"Oh, but sir," the announcer's eyes glistened. "I'm sure she would be very pleased to see you."

"OK. But if I don't get any, I'll… I'll… do something that is not beneficial to you."

And so it was that Link traveled to Hyrule Castle. It took an entire day of running. Link wished he had called Epona. But he didn't. That was very foolish of him. And dumb, too. Anyway, Link arrived at the castle and was ushered inside the sitting room where Zelda told him stuff.

"We HAVE to fire that announcer," sighed Zelda. "Link, do you know why I called you here?"

"You bet I do! Bounce diggie diggie bounce!"

"Huh? I called you here to tell you about Ganondorf. He's dead!"

"Why would you care about him dying?"

"Well, he was your arch villain and it seems strange that he could die in any way when the Master Sword didn't work."

"Oh, you mean Mido. Sheesh, I thought you meant the little annoying kid that always makes fun of me."

"No, Link. Ganondorf is the one who stole the Triforce of Power and enslaved the people of Hyrule."

"Why did I always get them confused?"

"Probably because they're both ugly, have red hair, and try to take over the world on a regular basis."

Mido walked into the castle. He ripped his tunic off to reveal many explosives. "Just hand over the crown Zelda, or I'll blow you up. MWAHAHA!"

"No you won't Mido. Explosives haven't been invented yet."

"Aw, darn. See you guys later." Mido left.

"Oh no. I just remembered something about Ganondorf," Link began crying.

"What's that, Link?"

"Well, now that he –SOB- isn't going to kidnap you anymore, I won't have anything to rescue. And when I don't rescue people, I'm not a hero. And when I'm not a hero, I won't get any!"

"You never did get any, Link."

"Well, excuuuzzzeee meeeeee, princess!"

"It wasn't cute in the cartoon, it isn't cute now. Let's just give Ganondorf a funeral like the title of this lousy story implies."

"Ok. I'll give the eulogy."