Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
That damned alarm clock is going off again, bringing me out of my deep sleep. I despise alarm clocks. Their sole purpose it to bring me out of sleep, and sleep is my favorite state to be in. I'm not thinking when I'm sleeping. And the only time I don't have this deep pain, anger, whatever it is, is when I'm not thinking.
The alarm clock takes that away from me. Therefore it must die.
I dreamed of Gordo last night, I have no idea the plot of the dream. I can only remember Gordo's face, and that there was no Lizzie. That's another thing I remember. She wasn't there. What if I got on the bus today and suddenly Lizzie wasn't there? What if I get on the bus only to discover she never really existed? What if my entire life has been a dream up until this point and everything and everyone I know isn't real?
But that'd be the worst thing that could happen, actually. That would mean Gordo wasn't real.
He probably isn't. Here we go, back to the schizophrenia thing. How could he possibly be real? Not even God has the power to put someone like him on earth.
"Mija? Are you getting up or what?" My mother again. She gets up every morning at 6:00 with me, though she's a stay at home mom. I don't know about my dad, he's never been up before I left. I don't know if my mother loves me or not, she might. But then again it could be just because she wants this ideal of perfection of everything, and the perfect mother does things like get up at six for their kids. That's probably it. Who am I kidding, of course that's it.
"Yes mom!" I look over at the clock and realize I've been lying in bed for ten minutes already. I guess I'm just so used to it.
I force myself out of bed and go about the exact same routine I've carried out since fifth grade. Take a shower, get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, blah blah blah. I have to spend and hour and a half scrubbing and applying just so no one will know what an ugly freak I really am, for that would be the worst thing in the world. No one can ever know what I really look like. I've always been the first one awake at sleepovers so that I can be all primped before anyone else has the chance to open their eyes and graze upon my horrendous face.
I catch the bus without having anything to eat. Then again, I never eat in the mornings. To me the idea of chugging a bowl of whats practically pure sugar at 6:30 in the morning is just plain revolting.
Gordo and Lizzie both have stops before mine, so they are always already sitting together before I join them. They hardly notice me get onto the bus, they're so deep into their own conversation. I can't stand it.
I clear my throat to get them to notice my presense.
"Oh! Hey Miranda." Lizzie scoots over to make room for me, and fails miserably, leaving me about two inches. She's in the middle, with me and Gordo in each side of her. And for that I despise her. I don't know whats sadder, the fact that I hate her or the fact that she shall never know.
"Hey you guys, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. What should we do?" I, of course, was completely aware that Gordo's birthday was in exactly sixteen days. To Lizzie, though, it was a total newsflash.
"Eeee!" She gave a painfully annoying little screatch that filled the entire bus with its vibration, causeing everyone to turn around, but of course she didn't notice. "Oh My Gosh Miranda! We absolutly have to go shopping this weekend and pick something out for him."
"Sure, sounds. great." That really shoud win the most original adjective of the year award. It wasn't like they wouldn't end up going shopping anyway, and of course Lizzie would just end up buying something for herself in the end and forgetting all about Gordo.
I, on the other hand, would be getting him something far more meaningful than anything shallow little Lizzie McGuire would ever find in a store. That would be the day I tell him I love him, no matter what shit it would cause. No matter what Lizzie would say. I just can't stand him not knowing. I know how he'll react by telling me he doesn't feel the same and then he'll feel all uncomfertable around me and our friendship will be effectivly ruined and I'll probably lose touch with Lizzie in the process and be a loner for the rest of my teen years, but seeing the look on his face would be worth it.
Then again, I probably should get him a regular present, too.
The bus came to a halt as we arrived at Hillridge Jounior High. Lizzie and Gordo had gotten into another discussion about who knows what, and had absent-mindedly forgotten to include me in it. Sucks for me.
We walked off the bus in silence and retreated to our separate classes. We all had a different homeroom, but Lizzie and Gordo had the same second period.
Everything from that point on seemed like a total blur, and I didn't pay a lick of attention in class. All I could think about was how Gordo's birthday would go. What would I say exactly?
Hey Gordo, by the way, I love you.
That's probably exactly how it will go, too.
One thing I hate about school is how uniform it is. Everything is exactly the same as it always is. Every class is exactly 53 minutes, we have exactly four minutes between each class, assemblys are always sixth period on the third to last day of the semester. Unless someone commits suicide or something, then we have an emergency one. But that hasn't happened yet.
Yet's the key word there.
It's bound to happen sometime. Someone's gonna go over the edge soon. Someone won't be able to take it anymore. Someone's gonna endure a little more pain than they can take.
My eyes scan the room, carefully observing each face. Who will it be, I wonder? Whose always been a little off, a little short tempered, a little quite. I've known most of these people since kindergarden, it seemed weird that one of them wouldn't be here at some point.
I know I'm being ridiculous. No ones about to die. It's my stupid love for drama that creates these stupid expectations in my head.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell signaling the end of fourth period and the start of lunch. Thank God, finally a time where I don't feel guilty for not paying attention to anything. Contrary to the rest of the school day.
"Hey, Miranda!" Was what I was greeted with the second I stepped outside. It was Gordo for a change, not Lizzie.
And that's just the best thing that can happen.
"Hi!" I said totally casually, as if I wasn't head over heals in love with him almost to the point of obsession. What a sly dog I am.
We grabbed a table before they were all taken and Gordo started talking. "Miranda, I was wondering if I could have your advice on something."
"Shoot." I was both the most confident and most worried person in the world at that second, he might want girl advice. Advice on a girl that's not me. How insensitive would that be! Then again, he doesn't know. He also might want advice on something else. Whatever it was, I needed to know before I exploded from the suspense.
"It's about Lizzie. I sorta. sorta. well, I know this guy." Gordo really is such a pathetic liar.
"Gordo if that's the biggest problem you encounter today then I stongly envy you." I was getting impatient, Lizzie would be here any minute. And I REALLY needed to know what was up.
"Okay okay! Where did this newfound sarcastic edge come from, anyway?" Wow. My love for him was changing my personality? I guess I never was that sarcastic before. I was always more like Lizzie.Oh, what a horrible though. Being the thing I hate most, and Lizzie pretty much represented everything.
"Just go on before I bite your head off."
"Fine. I know this guy, and he sorta.."
I gave him an extremly threatening look as the silence took over.
"likes her. A lot."
My whole world fell apart around my and suddenly I couldn't taste food, here sound, smell scents, anything. My worst nightmare had come true.
The person I was in love with loved the person I hate most in this world.
Isn't that everyone's worst fear? If not, it should be. This was way worse than hieghts or spiders.
I know why he doesn't love me. Being in love with me would be like being in love with misery. There's nothing desireable about me. I wish I had followed through with all that anorexia nonesense earlier, maybe I'd be dead by now. I wish I was dead right now. Actually, nothing would, or could, make me happier than being dead right now. I imagine myself floating on a cloud, being in heaven, dressed in white like an angel and it seems like the most comforting thing in the world, aside from being in Gordo's arms. But I'll never be in Gordo's arms, though I'm sure Lizzie will on numerous occasions.
I know why he loves her. Because she's like pure happiness. Who wouldn't be in love with pure happiness. No one wants to be miserable, everyone wants to be happy. She makes him happy. I make him miserable.
That's the end of it.
I mane everyone miserable. There's no point to me living here anymore. No one would care. I would be doing everyone a favor by dying. Now they won't hace to deal with me anymore. It'd be a breath of fresh air.
More time to spend with Lizzie McGuire.
That damned alarm clock is going off again, bringing me out of my deep sleep. I despise alarm clocks. Their sole purpose it to bring me out of sleep, and sleep is my favorite state to be in. I'm not thinking when I'm sleeping. And the only time I don't have this deep pain, anger, whatever it is, is when I'm not thinking.
The alarm clock takes that away from me. Therefore it must die.
I dreamed of Gordo last night, I have no idea the plot of the dream. I can only remember Gordo's face, and that there was no Lizzie. That's another thing I remember. She wasn't there. What if I got on the bus today and suddenly Lizzie wasn't there? What if I get on the bus only to discover she never really existed? What if my entire life has been a dream up until this point and everything and everyone I know isn't real?
But that'd be the worst thing that could happen, actually. That would mean Gordo wasn't real.
He probably isn't. Here we go, back to the schizophrenia thing. How could he possibly be real? Not even God has the power to put someone like him on earth.
"Mija? Are you getting up or what?" My mother again. She gets up every morning at 6:00 with me, though she's a stay at home mom. I don't know about my dad, he's never been up before I left. I don't know if my mother loves me or not, she might. But then again it could be just because she wants this ideal of perfection of everything, and the perfect mother does things like get up at six for their kids. That's probably it. Who am I kidding, of course that's it.
"Yes mom!" I look over at the clock and realize I've been lying in bed for ten minutes already. I guess I'm just so used to it.
I force myself out of bed and go about the exact same routine I've carried out since fifth grade. Take a shower, get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, blah blah blah. I have to spend and hour and a half scrubbing and applying just so no one will know what an ugly freak I really am, for that would be the worst thing in the world. No one can ever know what I really look like. I've always been the first one awake at sleepovers so that I can be all primped before anyone else has the chance to open their eyes and graze upon my horrendous face.
I catch the bus without having anything to eat. Then again, I never eat in the mornings. To me the idea of chugging a bowl of whats practically pure sugar at 6:30 in the morning is just plain revolting.
Gordo and Lizzie both have stops before mine, so they are always already sitting together before I join them. They hardly notice me get onto the bus, they're so deep into their own conversation. I can't stand it.
I clear my throat to get them to notice my presense.
"Oh! Hey Miranda." Lizzie scoots over to make room for me, and fails miserably, leaving me about two inches. She's in the middle, with me and Gordo in each side of her. And for that I despise her. I don't know whats sadder, the fact that I hate her or the fact that she shall never know.
"Hey you guys, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. What should we do?" I, of course, was completely aware that Gordo's birthday was in exactly sixteen days. To Lizzie, though, it was a total newsflash.
"Eeee!" She gave a painfully annoying little screatch that filled the entire bus with its vibration, causeing everyone to turn around, but of course she didn't notice. "Oh My Gosh Miranda! We absolutly have to go shopping this weekend and pick something out for him."
"Sure, sounds. great." That really shoud win the most original adjective of the year award. It wasn't like they wouldn't end up going shopping anyway, and of course Lizzie would just end up buying something for herself in the end and forgetting all about Gordo.
I, on the other hand, would be getting him something far more meaningful than anything shallow little Lizzie McGuire would ever find in a store. That would be the day I tell him I love him, no matter what shit it would cause. No matter what Lizzie would say. I just can't stand him not knowing. I know how he'll react by telling me he doesn't feel the same and then he'll feel all uncomfertable around me and our friendship will be effectivly ruined and I'll probably lose touch with Lizzie in the process and be a loner for the rest of my teen years, but seeing the look on his face would be worth it.
Then again, I probably should get him a regular present, too.
The bus came to a halt as we arrived at Hillridge Jounior High. Lizzie and Gordo had gotten into another discussion about who knows what, and had absent-mindedly forgotten to include me in it. Sucks for me.
We walked off the bus in silence and retreated to our separate classes. We all had a different homeroom, but Lizzie and Gordo had the same second period.
Everything from that point on seemed like a total blur, and I didn't pay a lick of attention in class. All I could think about was how Gordo's birthday would go. What would I say exactly?
Hey Gordo, by the way, I love you.
That's probably exactly how it will go, too.
One thing I hate about school is how uniform it is. Everything is exactly the same as it always is. Every class is exactly 53 minutes, we have exactly four minutes between each class, assemblys are always sixth period on the third to last day of the semester. Unless someone commits suicide or something, then we have an emergency one. But that hasn't happened yet.
Yet's the key word there.
It's bound to happen sometime. Someone's gonna go over the edge soon. Someone won't be able to take it anymore. Someone's gonna endure a little more pain than they can take.
My eyes scan the room, carefully observing each face. Who will it be, I wonder? Whose always been a little off, a little short tempered, a little quite. I've known most of these people since kindergarden, it seemed weird that one of them wouldn't be here at some point.
I know I'm being ridiculous. No ones about to die. It's my stupid love for drama that creates these stupid expectations in my head.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell signaling the end of fourth period and the start of lunch. Thank God, finally a time where I don't feel guilty for not paying attention to anything. Contrary to the rest of the school day.
"Hey, Miranda!" Was what I was greeted with the second I stepped outside. It was Gordo for a change, not Lizzie.
And that's just the best thing that can happen.
"Hi!" I said totally casually, as if I wasn't head over heals in love with him almost to the point of obsession. What a sly dog I am.
We grabbed a table before they were all taken and Gordo started talking. "Miranda, I was wondering if I could have your advice on something."
"Shoot." I was both the most confident and most worried person in the world at that second, he might want girl advice. Advice on a girl that's not me. How insensitive would that be! Then again, he doesn't know. He also might want advice on something else. Whatever it was, I needed to know before I exploded from the suspense.
"It's about Lizzie. I sorta. sorta. well, I know this guy." Gordo really is such a pathetic liar.
"Gordo if that's the biggest problem you encounter today then I stongly envy you." I was getting impatient, Lizzie would be here any minute. And I REALLY needed to know what was up.
"Okay okay! Where did this newfound sarcastic edge come from, anyway?" Wow. My love for him was changing my personality? I guess I never was that sarcastic before. I was always more like Lizzie.Oh, what a horrible though. Being the thing I hate most, and Lizzie pretty much represented everything.
"Just go on before I bite your head off."
"Fine. I know this guy, and he sorta.."
I gave him an extremly threatening look as the silence took over.
"likes her. A lot."
My whole world fell apart around my and suddenly I couldn't taste food, here sound, smell scents, anything. My worst nightmare had come true.
The person I was in love with loved the person I hate most in this world.
Isn't that everyone's worst fear? If not, it should be. This was way worse than hieghts or spiders.
I know why he doesn't love me. Being in love with me would be like being in love with misery. There's nothing desireable about me. I wish I had followed through with all that anorexia nonesense earlier, maybe I'd be dead by now. I wish I was dead right now. Actually, nothing would, or could, make me happier than being dead right now. I imagine myself floating on a cloud, being in heaven, dressed in white like an angel and it seems like the most comforting thing in the world, aside from being in Gordo's arms. But I'll never be in Gordo's arms, though I'm sure Lizzie will on numerous occasions.
I know why he loves her. Because she's like pure happiness. Who wouldn't be in love with pure happiness. No one wants to be miserable, everyone wants to be happy. She makes him happy. I make him miserable.
That's the end of it.
I mane everyone miserable. There's no point to me living here anymore. No one would care. I would be doing everyone a favor by dying. Now they won't hace to deal with me anymore. It'd be a breath of fresh air.
More time to spend with Lizzie McGuire.
