Note: I am not responsible for the possible and probable brain injury that might occur while reading this fic.
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.
FINAL FANTASY VII
as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV
ACT ONE : PART TWO
Last time, in This Incredibly Retarded Fanfic, stuff happened and things occurred. If you really don't remember, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK AND READ IT. YEP. YOU SURE ARE. Okay. Anyway.
Kain: We were about to go rescue Tellah.
Porom: Who is Tellah?
Kain: That old guy with the materia in his hair.
Yang's Wife: And the guy who dressed Kain up like a girl. ...HAHAHAHA.
That's right. Kain's still in the dress, isn't he. Cause I never wrote that he took it off. HAHAHAHA.
Kain: Wait, wait, wait! In the game, Cloud gets his normal clothes back!
This isn't the game, now is it, Kain.
Kain: This is not fair. Why doesn't Cloud have to stay in the dress? x_x;
Because I didn't write the game, you moron. Go advance the plot or something.
Kain: I'm on strike until I get some pants.
Porom: It is rather disconcerting to see him in a dress.
Yang's Wife: Yes, but amusing as well.
Kain: STRIKE! NO MORE PLOT TILL I GET PANTS!
Oh, fine. Here, have your stupid Dragoon pants back. I'm tired of writing this exchange anyway. Dumb ass.
Kain: Come over here and say that to my face!
Porom: You do realize that she's the author, don't you?
Kain: Sure. And I care why?
A crash of lightning randomly appears from nowhere and hits Kain. The black ash that was Kain's pants falls to the ground and neatly spells out "DUMB ASS".
Porom: She's sort of omnipotent.
I SURE AM.
Kain: Then.. maybe she.. can make me some.. new pants? *coughhackchoke*
Aww, now I feel bad. You are my favorite character, after all. Kain is immediately all better again and with a nice new pair of pants. And on the tag of the pants, it says, "I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY". Good lord, I sound like Jenova. I fear myself.
Yang's Wife: We could have rescued that stupid dress wearing old fogy like twelve times by now. Or do I have to do everything around here myself?
Sorry, Yang's Wife. The three of them go into the von Muir building and kick everyone's asses. Yeah, they're like Ninja Stealth Beard! They're kickin' ass and takin' names! Go them! Yay! Ahem. And then they find Tellah in this tube with a creature that looks surprisingly like Porom, except it seems to have a tail instead of a gun-arm. Jesus Christ on a stick, who cast this story, anyways?
Kain: Um...you?
...yeah, good point. Oh well. You might want to get Tellah out of there before Palom cusses him to death. But before anyone can move, some scary old scientist dude who was type-cast badly walks out from behind a toothpick!
Lugae: Do not hurt my precious specimens!
Palom: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A SPECIMEN?! I'M A TYPE A BLACK MAGE AND I'M GOING TO FRY YOUR SORRY ASS WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!
Palom, you are a reserved, wise beast. You do not fry asses.
Palom: You don't know what you're talking about. This guy took away my--
Porom: Shut up!
Porom throws open the door and smacks her brother in the head with her gun-arm, which is a good deal harder than her first and easily knocks Palom across the little tube thing and back into Tellah.
Tellah: OW MY SPLEEN.
Palom: Goddamn, remind me not to piss her off again. x_o;;;;
Lugae: GASP, NO! My specimens are damaged! Now you have to fight the guy who plays Zack's parents! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ghost of Edge: The hell?
Palom: What the fuck is going on here?!
I'm playing with a magic eye poster! Wee!
Kain: Well, that explains why this plot has suddenly been shot to hell.
Yang's Wife: I'll say.
Oooh, colors.
Yang's Wife: I'd suggest we forward the plot ourselves, but seeing as we only seem to be able to talk and make emoticons without her intervention, I suppose that'd be sort of pointless.
Porom: So we just sit here until she regains her senses and makes us move again?
Yang's Wife: Seems so.
Kain: I feel like a chess piece.
What? Oh.. I was writing this story, wasn't I. All right. Let's see. Did Tellah die yet?
Kain: Um.. no. We're still rescuing him from the von Muir building.
Tellah: Oh, the nerve.
Hmm, I'm really tired and can't remember what really happens at this point, so I'm going to make something up.
Porom: Uh, no offense, but isn't that what you've been doing anyways?
No! I've been.. loosely.. following the plot of the game.. sort of. Yeah. But anyways, a bunch of von Muir troopers come and throw you all in jail at the word of...
Professor Kory: ME!
Yang's Wife: ....wait, if Professor Kory is President Shinra, shouldn't his army be called Kory rather than von Muir?
..actually, I didn't cast a President Shinra to start with, so I had to improvise when I remembered that he needed to be in the story. So the troops are named after the character that plays Rufus rather than the character that plays President Shinra.
Professor Kory: It's a stupid agreement, but I die soon anyway. And when I say die, I mean stealthily sneak from the room while whoever plays Sephiroth stabs a cardboard cut out of myself.
Tellah: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
No. No, it's not.
Tellah: You're not going to let me, are you.
No. I'm not. Anyway, everyone was in jail now, but in the middle of the night following, Kain wakes up to see the door to the cell open and a trail of banana peels leading down the hallway.
Kain: ...banana peels?
Yes, banana peels. Because the whole trail of blood thing scared the crap out of me. Banana peels are much less fear-inducing. Besides, it fits the character in some weird sense that no one will understand but me and a few others.
Kain: ...banana peels.
Shut up and follow the trail.
Kain: Who the hell is playing Sephiroth? A monkey?
Kain follows the trail because I'm the author and I say he does. It leads all the way up to the top floor, which is Professor Kory's office. In the chair behind the desk, though, there is a very large sword stabbed through a cardboard cutout of Professor Kory. And there are banana peels everywhere. Kain is horrified by the sight, oh yes he is.
Kain: I'm horrified by a sword stuck through a piece of cardboard and banana peels?
Yes.
Kain: ...right.
Suddenly, the rest of the cast appears because I forgot to make them follow Kain. Whoops.
Yang's Wife: This could only be the work of one man. GOLBEZ!
DUN DUN DUN. I'll bet no one saw THAT coming. Damn, my casting skills are great. GREAT, I TELL YOU. WONDERFUL! They are almost superior to my writing skills! But nothing can defeat the PURE GENIUS that is this fic. Oh, no.
Palom: Does she ever shut up?
Kain: No.
Yang's Wife: Except when she gets distracted by looking at Magic Eye posters.
Oh, come on. Advance the plot.
Kain: You're one to talk.
Shut up.
Porom: Ahem. I for one remember that the author is omnipotent and so I will take her suggestion and forward the plot. If President.. er.. Professor Kory is dead, who is president now?
Edward: I AM!
Palom: Whoa. Dude, how did you get cast as Rufus?
Edward: ...I really have no idea.
Yang's Wife: I think it's the hair.
I really don't remember why I cast him as Rufus. Anyways, Kain decides that he has to kill Edward because Edward is too sexy.
Kain: That's not why I was going to kill him! I wanted to chop the head off of the von Muir company by killing the acting president!
I said it's cause he's sexier than you and you got jealous.
Tellah: He is sexier, Kain..
Edward: I did NOT need to hear that from an old guy in a dress.
Tellah: I'M NOT OLD!!!
Kain: Just go away so I can kill him.
So everyone leaves and Kain and Edward battle it out to the death! Actually they don't, but that sounded nicer than saying they battled until Edward's harp broke and he did his hide attack and ran off, leaving Kain scratching his head and wondering where Edward ran off to. Finally he figured it out and went downstairs to where everyone else was waiting.
Porom: How are we going to escape?
Tellah: THROUGH THE CEILING!
Palom: Dude, and they say I'm on crack.
Kain: Yang's Wife, get that truck and I'll get the motorcycle!
Yang's Wife: Over-compensation, Kain. It still won't make you sexier than Edward.
Kain: SHUT UP.
So Yang's Wife stole a truck thing and Tellah, Palom, and Porom all jumped in with her and they took off. Kain had a motorcycle because he's insecure and felt the need to look cool.
Kain: IT WAS THE ONLY VEHICLE LEFT, DAMN IT.
Whatever. Anyway, they rode around for a while and Kain beat up some random people on motorcycles cause he thought they looked cooler than him.
Kain: They were von Muir troopers trying to kill us!
Right.
Kain: They WERE.
Suddenly, everyone is outside of Midgar! And they go to Kalm cause it's right near by! Yay, them! And they get a hotel room upstairs and stuff! Wow! This is boring! Let's cut to the chase, boys!
Palom: Look! I have a tail! HAHA! And it's on fire! HAHA!
Porom: Oh, shut up.
Porom brandishes her gun-arm and Palom cowers in fear.
Porom: So anyways, Kain, tell us about Golbez. Since you're the main character, you should know all about him.
Kain: All right. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flashback scene.
START FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.
We see a younger Kain in the back of a truck with a handsome silver haired guy with a sticker on his shirt that says, "Hi! My name is Golbez!" which was only added in the American version of the fic because Americans are stupid and won't otherwise be able to figure out who Golbez is. Of course, there is no other version of the fic, but let's look past that for now, shall we?
Kain: Blah blah blah materia blah blah!
Golbez: You're dumb.
Kain sulks a moment, and then starts babbling again.
Kain: Blah blah mission blah be like you blah!
Golbez: ...sorry, kid, you're still dumb.
Driver: OMFG LIEK WE JUST RAN 1NT0 A MNSTR!!!1111 WUT DO WE OD???///
Just so you know, the driver's name is ZEROMUS! No, just kidding. His name is Carl. I'm sure that will come in VERY important later on. Anyways, Golbez and Kain get out of the truck and Golbez gives the monster a dirty look and it dies. Just to prove his powerfulness for later on. And then they get back in the truck.
Carl: LOL OMFG UR SO KEWL, GOBLEZ!!1111 :)))
Golbez: ...shut up.
Kain: Where are we going?
Golbez: Nibelheim.
Kain: Hey, I think I was like born there or something.
Golbez: How very wonderful for you. Is my part in this story done yet?
Sorry, Golby. You're the main villain being controlled by some unseen force.. again. Have a banana.
Golbez: Oh, banana. You are my only love.
Banana: Lessthanthree.*
So Golbez and the banana have a love affair, which involves the stripping of the banana (but not Golbez cause Golbez is seme and everyone knows semes don't take their pants off to have sex), and then they arrive in Nibelheim.
Kain: Yay, home.
Golbez: This place looks strikingly familiar, but I'm sure that means nothing.
A whole bunch of stuff happens, like Kain goes to his house and his mom tells him he's gay and then he goes to Yang's Wife's house and steals her underwear and stuff.
Kain: Wait, my mom never--
Quiet, you. She did because I said so.
Kain: But I'm not--
Right. Then tell me then why you were wearing a dress.
Kain: ...dress? I've never...
Oh, my bad. That doesn't happen for another five years. Sorry about that.
Kain: ...dress? Am I crazy?
Pretty much.
Kain: ...well that certainly puts a damper on my outlook on life.
Anyways, the very next day, the mission begins and stuff. Kain oversleeps and is late and that's most certainly not a trait of Edge or anything. He gets to the place where Golbez is, and sees Yang's Wife there, woo!
Golbez: You idiot, you overslept.
Kain: Sorry, dude.
Golbez: Anyway, this is Yang's Wife and she's our guide.
Yang's Wife: Hey, aren't you that dumb kid who I made promise to save me?
Kain: Wow, you remembered me!
So they set off to go to the Nibelheim reactor cause it was being stupid and they needed to fix it. Yang's Wife leads the way, and leads them straight to this bridge that looked very sturdy. So naturally, it breaks when they get to the middle of it. And they all fall screaming as they plummeted into the valley, except for Golbez, who is murmuring curses at bridges in general. After much travel and useless exposition that makes Kain look like a blathering idiot, they make it to the reactor.
Yang's Wife: Yay! I want to go in.
Golbez: You can't cause you suck.
Kain: Yeah, and we're cool!
Golbez: Shut up, Kain.
Yang's Wife: HARUMPH!
Yang's Wife stamps her foot in frustration, as though it does any good cause they leave one of the Toroian Dancing Girls they hired to make sure she doesn't come in. Inside the reactor, they see a door that says "Zemus" at the top. Golbez falls to his knees and screams.
Golbez: MY MOTHER'S NAME WAS ZEMUS! I'M NOT HUMAN!
Kain: Whoa, dude.
END FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.
Porom: Wait, so that's the end of your story?
Kain: No, but I think the author wants to end the chapter here.
Damn straight, I do! So Act One Part Two is finished here. This is going to be a long fic, isn't it! Hopefully, my computer will not crash sixty two times in the time it takes me to write the next part, which will involve fiery death for Kain's mom, whoever that may be!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!
* Make a less than sign and then add a three. Seriously. Do it. DO IT NOOOOOW.
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.
FINAL FANTASY VII
as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV
ACT ONE : PART TWO
Last time, in This Incredibly Retarded Fanfic, stuff happened and things occurred. If you really don't remember, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK AND READ IT. YEP. YOU SURE ARE. Okay. Anyway.
Kain: We were about to go rescue Tellah.
Porom: Who is Tellah?
Kain: That old guy with the materia in his hair.
Yang's Wife: And the guy who dressed Kain up like a girl. ...HAHAHAHA.
That's right. Kain's still in the dress, isn't he. Cause I never wrote that he took it off. HAHAHAHA.
Kain: Wait, wait, wait! In the game, Cloud gets his normal clothes back!
This isn't the game, now is it, Kain.
Kain: This is not fair. Why doesn't Cloud have to stay in the dress? x_x;
Because I didn't write the game, you moron. Go advance the plot or something.
Kain: I'm on strike until I get some pants.
Porom: It is rather disconcerting to see him in a dress.
Yang's Wife: Yes, but amusing as well.
Kain: STRIKE! NO MORE PLOT TILL I GET PANTS!
Oh, fine. Here, have your stupid Dragoon pants back. I'm tired of writing this exchange anyway. Dumb ass.
Kain: Come over here and say that to my face!
Porom: You do realize that she's the author, don't you?
Kain: Sure. And I care why?
A crash of lightning randomly appears from nowhere and hits Kain. The black ash that was Kain's pants falls to the ground and neatly spells out "DUMB ASS".
Porom: She's sort of omnipotent.
I SURE AM.
Kain: Then.. maybe she.. can make me some.. new pants? *coughhackchoke*
Aww, now I feel bad. You are my favorite character, after all. Kain is immediately all better again and with a nice new pair of pants. And on the tag of the pants, it says, "I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY". Good lord, I sound like Jenova. I fear myself.
Yang's Wife: We could have rescued that stupid dress wearing old fogy like twelve times by now. Or do I have to do everything around here myself?
Sorry, Yang's Wife. The three of them go into the von Muir building and kick everyone's asses. Yeah, they're like Ninja Stealth Beard! They're kickin' ass and takin' names! Go them! Yay! Ahem. And then they find Tellah in this tube with a creature that looks surprisingly like Porom, except it seems to have a tail instead of a gun-arm. Jesus Christ on a stick, who cast this story, anyways?
Kain: Um...you?
...yeah, good point. Oh well. You might want to get Tellah out of there before Palom cusses him to death. But before anyone can move, some scary old scientist dude who was type-cast badly walks out from behind a toothpick!
Lugae: Do not hurt my precious specimens!
Palom: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A SPECIMEN?! I'M A TYPE A BLACK MAGE AND I'M GOING TO FRY YOUR SORRY ASS WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!
Palom, you are a reserved, wise beast. You do not fry asses.
Palom: You don't know what you're talking about. This guy took away my--
Porom: Shut up!
Porom throws open the door and smacks her brother in the head with her gun-arm, which is a good deal harder than her first and easily knocks Palom across the little tube thing and back into Tellah.
Tellah: OW MY SPLEEN.
Palom: Goddamn, remind me not to piss her off again. x_o;;;;
Lugae: GASP, NO! My specimens are damaged! Now you have to fight the guy who plays Zack's parents! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ghost of Edge: The hell?
Palom: What the fuck is going on here?!
I'm playing with a magic eye poster! Wee!
Kain: Well, that explains why this plot has suddenly been shot to hell.
Yang's Wife: I'll say.
Oooh, colors.
Yang's Wife: I'd suggest we forward the plot ourselves, but seeing as we only seem to be able to talk and make emoticons without her intervention, I suppose that'd be sort of pointless.
Porom: So we just sit here until she regains her senses and makes us move again?
Yang's Wife: Seems so.
Kain: I feel like a chess piece.
What? Oh.. I was writing this story, wasn't I. All right. Let's see. Did Tellah die yet?
Kain: Um.. no. We're still rescuing him from the von Muir building.
Tellah: Oh, the nerve.
Hmm, I'm really tired and can't remember what really happens at this point, so I'm going to make something up.
Porom: Uh, no offense, but isn't that what you've been doing anyways?
No! I've been.. loosely.. following the plot of the game.. sort of. Yeah. But anyways, a bunch of von Muir troopers come and throw you all in jail at the word of...
Professor Kory: ME!
Yang's Wife: ....wait, if Professor Kory is President Shinra, shouldn't his army be called Kory rather than von Muir?
..actually, I didn't cast a President Shinra to start with, so I had to improvise when I remembered that he needed to be in the story. So the troops are named after the character that plays Rufus rather than the character that plays President Shinra.
Professor Kory: It's a stupid agreement, but I die soon anyway. And when I say die, I mean stealthily sneak from the room while whoever plays Sephiroth stabs a cardboard cut out of myself.
Tellah: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
No. No, it's not.
Tellah: You're not going to let me, are you.
No. I'm not. Anyway, everyone was in jail now, but in the middle of the night following, Kain wakes up to see the door to the cell open and a trail of banana peels leading down the hallway.
Kain: ...banana peels?
Yes, banana peels. Because the whole trail of blood thing scared the crap out of me. Banana peels are much less fear-inducing. Besides, it fits the character in some weird sense that no one will understand but me and a few others.
Kain: ...banana peels.
Shut up and follow the trail.
Kain: Who the hell is playing Sephiroth? A monkey?
Kain follows the trail because I'm the author and I say he does. It leads all the way up to the top floor, which is Professor Kory's office. In the chair behind the desk, though, there is a very large sword stabbed through a cardboard cutout of Professor Kory. And there are banana peels everywhere. Kain is horrified by the sight, oh yes he is.
Kain: I'm horrified by a sword stuck through a piece of cardboard and banana peels?
Yes.
Kain: ...right.
Suddenly, the rest of the cast appears because I forgot to make them follow Kain. Whoops.
Yang's Wife: This could only be the work of one man. GOLBEZ!
DUN DUN DUN. I'll bet no one saw THAT coming. Damn, my casting skills are great. GREAT, I TELL YOU. WONDERFUL! They are almost superior to my writing skills! But nothing can defeat the PURE GENIUS that is this fic. Oh, no.
Palom: Does she ever shut up?
Kain: No.
Yang's Wife: Except when she gets distracted by looking at Magic Eye posters.
Oh, come on. Advance the plot.
Kain: You're one to talk.
Shut up.
Porom: Ahem. I for one remember that the author is omnipotent and so I will take her suggestion and forward the plot. If President.. er.. Professor Kory is dead, who is president now?
Edward: I AM!
Palom: Whoa. Dude, how did you get cast as Rufus?
Edward: ...I really have no idea.
Yang's Wife: I think it's the hair.
I really don't remember why I cast him as Rufus. Anyways, Kain decides that he has to kill Edward because Edward is too sexy.
Kain: That's not why I was going to kill him! I wanted to chop the head off of the von Muir company by killing the acting president!
I said it's cause he's sexier than you and you got jealous.
Tellah: He is sexier, Kain..
Edward: I did NOT need to hear that from an old guy in a dress.
Tellah: I'M NOT OLD!!!
Kain: Just go away so I can kill him.
So everyone leaves and Kain and Edward battle it out to the death! Actually they don't, but that sounded nicer than saying they battled until Edward's harp broke and he did his hide attack and ran off, leaving Kain scratching his head and wondering where Edward ran off to. Finally he figured it out and went downstairs to where everyone else was waiting.
Porom: How are we going to escape?
Tellah: THROUGH THE CEILING!
Palom: Dude, and they say I'm on crack.
Kain: Yang's Wife, get that truck and I'll get the motorcycle!
Yang's Wife: Over-compensation, Kain. It still won't make you sexier than Edward.
Kain: SHUT UP.
So Yang's Wife stole a truck thing and Tellah, Palom, and Porom all jumped in with her and they took off. Kain had a motorcycle because he's insecure and felt the need to look cool.
Kain: IT WAS THE ONLY VEHICLE LEFT, DAMN IT.
Whatever. Anyway, they rode around for a while and Kain beat up some random people on motorcycles cause he thought they looked cooler than him.
Kain: They were von Muir troopers trying to kill us!
Right.
Kain: They WERE.
Suddenly, everyone is outside of Midgar! And they go to Kalm cause it's right near by! Yay, them! And they get a hotel room upstairs and stuff! Wow! This is boring! Let's cut to the chase, boys!
Palom: Look! I have a tail! HAHA! And it's on fire! HAHA!
Porom: Oh, shut up.
Porom brandishes her gun-arm and Palom cowers in fear.
Porom: So anyways, Kain, tell us about Golbez. Since you're the main character, you should know all about him.
Kain: All right. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flashback scene.
START FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.
We see a younger Kain in the back of a truck with a handsome silver haired guy with a sticker on his shirt that says, "Hi! My name is Golbez!" which was only added in the American version of the fic because Americans are stupid and won't otherwise be able to figure out who Golbez is. Of course, there is no other version of the fic, but let's look past that for now, shall we?
Kain: Blah blah blah materia blah blah!
Golbez: You're dumb.
Kain sulks a moment, and then starts babbling again.
Kain: Blah blah mission blah be like you blah!
Golbez: ...sorry, kid, you're still dumb.
Driver: OMFG LIEK WE JUST RAN 1NT0 A MNSTR!!!1111 WUT DO WE OD???///
Just so you know, the driver's name is ZEROMUS! No, just kidding. His name is Carl. I'm sure that will come in VERY important later on. Anyways, Golbez and Kain get out of the truck and Golbez gives the monster a dirty look and it dies. Just to prove his powerfulness for later on. And then they get back in the truck.
Carl: LOL OMFG UR SO KEWL, GOBLEZ!!1111 :)))
Golbez: ...shut up.
Kain: Where are we going?
Golbez: Nibelheim.
Kain: Hey, I think I was like born there or something.
Golbez: How very wonderful for you. Is my part in this story done yet?
Sorry, Golby. You're the main villain being controlled by some unseen force.. again. Have a banana.
Golbez: Oh, banana. You are my only love.
Banana: Lessthanthree.*
So Golbez and the banana have a love affair, which involves the stripping of the banana (but not Golbez cause Golbez is seme and everyone knows semes don't take their pants off to have sex), and then they arrive in Nibelheim.
Kain: Yay, home.
Golbez: This place looks strikingly familiar, but I'm sure that means nothing.
A whole bunch of stuff happens, like Kain goes to his house and his mom tells him he's gay and then he goes to Yang's Wife's house and steals her underwear and stuff.
Kain: Wait, my mom never--
Quiet, you. She did because I said so.
Kain: But I'm not--
Right. Then tell me then why you were wearing a dress.
Kain: ...dress? I've never...
Oh, my bad. That doesn't happen for another five years. Sorry about that.
Kain: ...dress? Am I crazy?
Pretty much.
Kain: ...well that certainly puts a damper on my outlook on life.
Anyways, the very next day, the mission begins and stuff. Kain oversleeps and is late and that's most certainly not a trait of Edge or anything. He gets to the place where Golbez is, and sees Yang's Wife there, woo!
Golbez: You idiot, you overslept.
Kain: Sorry, dude.
Golbez: Anyway, this is Yang's Wife and she's our guide.
Yang's Wife: Hey, aren't you that dumb kid who I made promise to save me?
Kain: Wow, you remembered me!
So they set off to go to the Nibelheim reactor cause it was being stupid and they needed to fix it. Yang's Wife leads the way, and leads them straight to this bridge that looked very sturdy. So naturally, it breaks when they get to the middle of it. And they all fall screaming as they plummeted into the valley, except for Golbez, who is murmuring curses at bridges in general. After much travel and useless exposition that makes Kain look like a blathering idiot, they make it to the reactor.
Yang's Wife: Yay! I want to go in.
Golbez: You can't cause you suck.
Kain: Yeah, and we're cool!
Golbez: Shut up, Kain.
Yang's Wife: HARUMPH!
Yang's Wife stamps her foot in frustration, as though it does any good cause they leave one of the Toroian Dancing Girls they hired to make sure she doesn't come in. Inside the reactor, they see a door that says "Zemus" at the top. Golbez falls to his knees and screams.
Golbez: MY MOTHER'S NAME WAS ZEMUS! I'M NOT HUMAN!
Kain: Whoa, dude.
END FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.
Porom: Wait, so that's the end of your story?
Kain: No, but I think the author wants to end the chapter here.
Damn straight, I do! So Act One Part Two is finished here. This is going to be a long fic, isn't it! Hopefully, my computer will not crash sixty two times in the time it takes me to write the next part, which will involve fiery death for Kain's mom, whoever that may be!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!
* Make a less than sign and then add a three. Seriously. Do it. DO IT NOOOOOW.
