Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any recognizable characters and/or places. (Aralya, Tarragon, Orión, and Ariell are my characters)

Chapter One: Aragorn and the Custody Battle

*****

Arwen Evenstar, with all of her Elven grace, stomped up the many flights of stairs to her apartment. The elevator was working, of course, but if she went up the stairs she could pretend that each step was that useless ex- husband of hers, and step on him very hard. Honestly, if he wanted anything to do with her children--

Arwen's thoughts were interrupted as she came to her door and found a woman sobbing in a manner not unlike one might find in a Meryl Streep film. Only this woman had considerably better hair, and was not doing some such time- wasting thing (in Arwen's opinion) as teaching ghetto children the violin or trying to save her family from a river-rafting villain.

"Why hello, Galadriel, what brings you here?" Arwen asked.

"That miserable bastard--oh, I'm sorry dear, hello, it's quite nice to see you," Galadriel said. "Might we go inside?"

"Of course," Arwen replied. Another woman was just what she needed right now. She hefted her brown paper grocery bag to the other arm, fumbled for her keys, and opened her apartment, admitting Galadriel and herself. "Alcohol?"

"Of course."

"Preference? I've got everything, of course, everything except--"

"Ale," the two women said together. "Why do the men always have to drink ale?"

Arwen decided it would be best for both of them to get completely sauced, and so poured two generous glasses of sherry. "So, what has Celeborn been up to?"

"I don't know, but her name is Terry," Galadriel replied.

"What an awful name!"

"I know! Of course, I only heard him speaking of her once, but apparently she is a prostitute! He mentioned buying her, so I know that she's a whore. And that Elessar, what has he been doing?"

"Nothing, he's after the children now, bloody stupid castrated--"

"Is he really?"

"After the children? Yes."

"No, castrated."

"Oh. No, he isn't."

"But speaking of which, where are they? Your children, I mean."

"Upstairs. Eldarion's watching the girls. Honestly, any age for a lifetime, poor boy is stuck being nineteen. You would never believe the fun he has with it, though, he's been to sixteen different colleges and universities."

"And the girls? I always confused them, you know how they valued boys back in the good old days."

"Yes. . .well, there's Aralya, eighteen and not incredibly different from Eldarion with all this schooling--women in schools, what's next?--, Orión who will forever be seven, Ariell at four--my favourite, sweetest thing-- and--" this next name was said with scorn "--Tarragon, fourteen."

"Awful names, really, it sounds as though you've got three boys, one girl, and a spice!" Galadriel exclaimed.

"Well that wasn't my doing, was it?"

Meanwhile, in a pub not so very far off, Aragorn was saying, "Bloody bitch, taking my children like that! Back in the good old days, she could be killed! Oh, yes. . .those were the days. She wasn't even a proper mother then, slut that she is. . ."

"Mate, you're smashed. It's time to go home," Legolas said.

"Oh, you're right. You're always right, aren't you?"

"Now that you mention it, yes I am," Legolas said. "Come on." And slowly but surely, he coaxed the rather drunken ex-Ranger of the North out of the pub and down the road. A mile later, they reached the small house which the two of them shared, living off the royalties of that book they wrote just after that war.

"Arwen has no right to do half of this--to take away half of what she took. Stupid actress--"

"I couldn't agree more."

Aragorn and Legolas jumped, turning to see a young girl sitting at their kitchen table. In front of her sat an open book, a bag of miniature Snickers candies, and a bottle of Coca-Cola. Two dark braids stuck out from her head, but it was the eyes that really gave her away. "Tarragon!" Legolas and Aragorn cried at once.

"Hullo, Legolas. Hullo, Dad," Tarragon said, tipping her Coke to them before taking a sip. "I've decided to stay with you for a bit. Even though Mum says you're both gay lovers and on crack, I'm pretty sure that was just the booze talking."

"Okay--" Aragorn began to say, but Legolas shook his head.

" I wouldn't suggest that, if you ever want to see her again," Legolas said. "You know we've got that wizard staying, and you know what he thinks of women. And what about Gollum, eh?" Gandalf was a senile pervert who had been arrested eighty-eight times on charges of rape--the same each time-- and Gollum lived under the stairs and scared the wits out of most visitors.

"Feed it to Gollum," Aragorn mumbled.

"Feed WHAT to Gollum?" Legolas asked.

"Gandalf. Feed it to Gollum, problem solved."

"So, has Gandalf ever. . .you know. . .wither of you?" Tarragon asked. "Anyway, if it's really that much of a deal I can always stay at a hotel. They've got better food and better beds."

"We--"

"Live off of spaghetti-Os and microwaveable dinners, and Gollum eats raw fish," Tarragon finished. "Anyway, it was very nice to see you, and I'm sure mum will be suing again soon, so I'll see you in court!" She gathered her belongings and jumped out the window.

"I am so glad I stayed a bachelor," Legolas said.

"What about that--"

"Say it and die," Legolas threatened, remembering all too well that Vegas wedding to Gimli.

"Oh, you were such a beautiful bride," Aragorn said, faking a swoon. Legolas jumped at him, knocking him to the floor. The Elf began to strangle his friend, who fought back in a similar fashion. Neither realized the phone was ringing until Gimli, awoken by the twelfth ring, said, "For you," jammed the phone to Aragorn's ear, and left.

"Hello?"

"YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD!"

"Hello Arwen. . ."

*****

O.k., that's all for now. Next chapter, the cinema! That should be fun. . .