The second edition! Enjoy!
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"
*lights come on and the camera zooms in on Rauru again, whose standing in the audience with his microphone*
Rauru: It's Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… from the back of the barn, Malon; from the back of the alley, Link; from the back of the castle walls, Zelda; and a pain in all of our backs, Gannondorf!
Malon: *hangs on to Link's arm* Hello honey!
Link: *embarrassed* Hi…
Ganon: Where'd the blue one go?
Ruto: *stands up from her audience seat next to Nabooru* I didn't want to because I don't want to play with the Princess of the bitches!
Zelda: whore!
Ruto: hooters girl!
Zelda: playboy bunny!
Ruto: contestant a Fox network reality show!
Zelda: That hurts, Ruto… that really hurts!
Rauru: no more interruptions, traitor! Now let's quickly get to our first game before I have to bring out Darunia again AND my secret weapon!
Link: You didn't…
Zelda: Why did you…
Ganon & Malon: Who the hell are you guys talking about?
Rauru: Anyways, our first game is weird newscasters. Link, you're the host of a nightly news broadcast. Malon, you're his co-anchor and you are… *reads the card* aw man.. you're obsessed with Link…
Malon: yay!
Rauru: Gannondorf, you're the sportscasters and you're in the middle of a Kentucky horse race. Zelda you're the weathergirl and you're being attacked by a hoard of Stalfos.
*everyone nods and the music starts and the camera narrows in on Link, who has Malon already on his back, brushing his hair*
Link: Welcome to the 1o'clock news, I'm your straight as an arrow anchor man, the wielder of the master sword.. the…
Malon: it's the biggest master sword I've ever seen!
Link: *blushes* oh yeah.. and this is my co-anchor, Malon! Why don't you get off of my and tell the top story!
Malon: *jumps back onto her stool and lays her head again Link, petting his shoulder* Our top story of the day: Link is really good in bed! *lays over his lap*
Link: *looks at Rauru and mouths out "she's scaring me"*
Rauru: *shrugs and grins*
Malon: and our second top story is, Link has really big di…
Link: AND now for our sports report let's turn to the Gerudo's sex toy, Gannondork!
Ganon: I'll get you back later for th.. *camera zooms in on him, starts pretending to run in place, looking back every so often* In sports today the Hylian homos scored big time in overtime with help from their pitcher from Lon Lon ranch! No one knows how, but source say….. OUCH… OH DAMNIT! *pretends to get trampled over by horses and throws himself to the ground, twitching every so often…
Link: *is now REALLY blushing as Malon's head is faced down between his legs* Um.. yeah… let's go to… the Princess of the bitches, Zelda! Our local weathergirl!
Zelda: *pretending to hold a sword in her hand, pointing to an imaginary board* There's a lot of activity reported in the central Hyrule field area, near Lon Lon Ranch, that includes high temperatures and sporadic highs and lows! And… *pretends to sword fight with a Stalfos* there's a… high chance of soggy… ground.. later.. *now is parrying with two Stalfos, brings the fight into the audience and pretends to accidentally slice an audience member's head off* Oops!
Link: well that's all we have time fo…. MALON!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE!
Zelda: *from the audience still* he doesn't like THAT? Told you he was gay!
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz* Not to shabby for once!
*Link and Malon put the stools away and everyone sits down*
Rauru: again… no points awarded, just be glad you're still alive!
Malon: hehe… Link's master sword is getting taller!
Link: AH! *crosses his legs, blushing*
Zelda: You know if you stopped wearing spandex you would be fine!
Rauru: Okay our next game is Questons Only. You guys will act out a scene 2 at a time but the catch is you can only use questions to speak to each other. Ready?
*they all stand up and Zelda and Link go on one side and Malon and Gannondorf go on the other*
Rauru: *buzz* Okay the scene is you guys are at school and dealing with drugs! Go! *buzz*
Link: do you want some smack?
Malon: couldn't you just smack me in the ass?
Link: do you know what smack is?
Malon: do you know how to smack someone in the ass?
Link: eerrr…um… yes?
*Rauru buzzes him out and Zelda replaces him*
Zelda: want some crack?
Malon: can you see the cracks in your face?
Zelda: do you want to see my fist in your face?
Malon: Bring it on, bitch! *covers her mouth* oh man!
*buzz buzz… and Gannondorf comes in*
Zelda: have you every tried crack?
Ganon: have I?
Zelda: do you remember if you have?
Ganon: would I remember if I did?
Zelda: will you try some again?
Ganon: don't you have to be in class?
Zelda: are you the principal?
Ganon: aren't you a student?
Zelda: what if I am?
Ganon: shouldn't you be in class?
Zelda: shouldn't you be in the evil realm trapped away for all eternity?
Ganon: welll…. *buzz* figures!
Zelda: *does a little dance, cheering*
Link: did you know you can't dance?
Zelda: aren't you supposed to be in class too?
Link: don't you know who I am?
Zelda: am I supposed to know?
Link: do you know what a hero of time is?
Zelda: a wussy!
*Zelda proudly walks back before the buzz sounds, Rauru buzzes again*
Rauru: Okay, nice job again! You guys are on a roll this time! We might have time for more games too!
Malon: Hey I wanted to go up again! You never let me do it with Link!
Zelda: you can't actually "do it" with him at all! He's gay!
Malon: oh yeah? Explain this then? *holds out a picture of Link on top of Zelda's lap with only whitey tighties on when he was 10 years old* You still think he's gay after THAT?
Zelda: Where'd you get that you lon lon whore?! *tackles her and the two start brawling*
*both start rolling around the floor with Ganon and Link whooping, the audience joins in*
Rauru: guess I spoke too soon… DARUNIA!
*Darunia comes out with his Jerry Springer T-shirt again, glaring at them both before grabbing them by the necks and separating the girls*
Rauru: Now comes your punishment… the secret weapon!
All: Please no!!!
*a little 'tee hee hee' can be heard as Saria steps out with an ocarina in her hands, Rauru conducts her as she starts playing her song on the ocarina. Immediately, Darunia starts dancing with both girls' necks still in his hands*
Zelda/Malon: HELP US!!!!
Darunia: Can't… stop… dancing! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Rauru: We'll be right back after this short commercial from our new sponsors!
*lights fade out and fade back in on Link, who's holding a small bottle of medicine in his hands*
Link: yeah, that's right, it's the hero of time here! I'm standing here to talk to you about viagra!
Voice in the distance: Why the hell do you need Viagra, you're 17 years old!
Link: Glad you asked! The disease that forces men to use Viagra can effect even people my age! And it doesn't help that the only girls I have to attempt to turn me on are all bitches!
Malon: hey! What about me, Link?
Link: Ah… let's face it, you're a whore too…
Zelda: I can't turn you on huh? What about two nights ago! You couldn't keep yourself down!
Ruto: and what about 3 nights ago with me! I swear it took an eternity to settle you down!
Nabooru: What about last night, huh? You were touching the moon with your gigantic di…
Girl: What? You were cheating on me with HER, Link?
Link: *backs away, holding his arms up* wait a minute… I can explain!
*all the girls start chasing him out of the room and the screen goes black. The little bottle is shown with Viagra in clear letters*
Announcer: Viagra…it's not my fault you can't turn me on anymore!
*screen fades back to the set of Whose Triforce is it anyways. Darunia is sitting in his usual place, Saria is back in the audience, and Zelda and Malon both have neck braces on. Everyone is now sitting down*
Rauru: That was disturbing… now on to our next game! Video dating service! Zelda and Link, and Gannondorf and Malon are going to get two separate boxes of hats and they each have to pretend they're people looking for love on a dating service. *he hands out the boxes* Malon, Gannondorf, you're first!
Malon: *puts on a sailor hat* why don't we go below and we can swab the deck all night!
Link: *wearing a tiara* My name is princess Zelda… I haven't had a date in 8 years because I'm obsessed with a spandex wearing Hylian!
*Zelda starts choking Link but as soon as Darunia stands up, they both settle down*
Ganon: *has a peter pan hat on* Age isn't the only thing that stands still in never ever land!
Zelda: *puts on a Stalfos mask* I'm a guaranteed boner!
Malon: *whips on a Keaton Mask* 5 tails, that's right, 5 tails… think about that!
Audience: ???
Link: *transforms using the Zora mask: I'll take ANYONE except the Princess of the Zoras, ANYONE!!!!
Ruto: Why you little….!!!!
Rauru: Down, Ruto, down!
Ganon: *puts on the Gerudo mask* I'm looking for a nice young, healthy boy. Between the ages of 5 and 10 and…
Rauru: *buzz buzz* I do NOT want Ruto and Nabooru down here starting trouble!
Nabooru: Actually Gannondorf's not too far off! *sits back down*
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz* Enough is enough! That's it! Back to your seats! This is getting too disturbing!!!
*everyone puts the boxes away and sits back down*
Rauru: Okay, our next game of the night is the outgoing broadcaster! Link here is going to stand in front of a green screen. Everyone but him will be able to see what's going on behind him. All he will see is green, thus the name green screen.
Zelda: are you trying to crack a joke, or do you think the audience is that stupid?
Rauru: Are you trying to get killed in Mystic's book or do you think I'm stupid? Now laugh!
*she starts laughing hysterically*
Rauru: now then… just because of that, Malon and Gannondorf will be your correspondents in the studio. They'll hopefully help you figure out what you're reporting on.
*Malon and Gannondorf grab stools and sit down*
Rauru: okay you guys can begin!
Malon: *whispering* I heard Mystic is pulling all of our legs and that the person who dies in her book actually is on the show!
Ganon: *whispers* let's just all hope it's Zelda!
Malon: Yeah! I mean.. *looks at the camera* We've interrupted your live telecast of Link's bedroom follies to bring you this special bulletin!
Ganon: We have Link in the field right now, deep in the situation, Link… *looks at the screen, trying not to laugh* can you hear us?
Link: *behind him is a Brittney Spears concert* Yes I can!
Malon: It must be really heard to hear through all that noise!
Link: *starts pointing at random spots* well there's a little commotion here, but that's all, really!
Ganon: So, can you tell us how this started? I personally thought scheduling for this performance was going to be a major problem!
Malon: *whisper* what are you trying to do, you stupid Gerudo, give us away?
Link: *running in place* it all started with a failed attempt at taking over Hyrule by Nabooru and then exploded after that!
Malon: OH MY GOD! I didn't know she broke up with Justin Timberlake?
Everyone: MALON!
Rauru: *really upset* Oh thanks a lot… you've just given it away. Link, you're at a Brittany Spears concert. I can't believe someone would be stupid enough to say THAT? *starts having trouble breathing* I can't… believe… you… *passes out*
Zelda: Rauru!!! *runs up to him* well don't just stand there! *looks at the camera man* turn that thing off and go get help!
*footsteps can be heard as the camera guy sprints off but the camera is still on and running*
Mystery girl *comes up in front of the camera with a microphone* well that's all the time we have for 'Whose Triforce is it anyways?'! Stay tuned for a rerun of Ally Mcbeal! I'm your new host, Marin Koholint!
Link: Marin?? What are you doing here?
Mystic: I brought her here as a present!
Link: to me?
Mystic: Well.. no one wants to see Rauru anymore and I think you've been called gay long enough
Link: so you're going to finally admit that I'm straight?
All: HELL NO!
Zelda: wait.. you didn't do this to him on purpose, did you?
Mystic: well…. It was Gannondorf's idea!
All: Mystic….
*everyone starts chasing after her as the scene closes. Third edition to maybe come out!*
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"
*lights come on and the camera zooms in on Rauru again, whose standing in the audience with his microphone*
Rauru: It's Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… from the back of the barn, Malon; from the back of the alley, Link; from the back of the castle walls, Zelda; and a pain in all of our backs, Gannondorf!
Malon: *hangs on to Link's arm* Hello honey!
Link: *embarrassed* Hi…
Ganon: Where'd the blue one go?
Ruto: *stands up from her audience seat next to Nabooru* I didn't want to because I don't want to play with the Princess of the bitches!
Zelda: whore!
Ruto: hooters girl!
Zelda: playboy bunny!
Ruto: contestant a Fox network reality show!
Zelda: That hurts, Ruto… that really hurts!
Rauru: no more interruptions, traitor! Now let's quickly get to our first game before I have to bring out Darunia again AND my secret weapon!
Link: You didn't…
Zelda: Why did you…
Ganon & Malon: Who the hell are you guys talking about?
Rauru: Anyways, our first game is weird newscasters. Link, you're the host of a nightly news broadcast. Malon, you're his co-anchor and you are… *reads the card* aw man.. you're obsessed with Link…
Malon: yay!
Rauru: Gannondorf, you're the sportscasters and you're in the middle of a Kentucky horse race. Zelda you're the weathergirl and you're being attacked by a hoard of Stalfos.
*everyone nods and the music starts and the camera narrows in on Link, who has Malon already on his back, brushing his hair*
Link: Welcome to the 1o'clock news, I'm your straight as an arrow anchor man, the wielder of the master sword.. the…
Malon: it's the biggest master sword I've ever seen!
Link: *blushes* oh yeah.. and this is my co-anchor, Malon! Why don't you get off of my and tell the top story!
Malon: *jumps back onto her stool and lays her head again Link, petting his shoulder* Our top story of the day: Link is really good in bed! *lays over his lap*
Link: *looks at Rauru and mouths out "she's scaring me"*
Rauru: *shrugs and grins*
Malon: and our second top story is, Link has really big di…
Link: AND now for our sports report let's turn to the Gerudo's sex toy, Gannondork!
Ganon: I'll get you back later for th.. *camera zooms in on him, starts pretending to run in place, looking back every so often* In sports today the Hylian homos scored big time in overtime with help from their pitcher from Lon Lon ranch! No one knows how, but source say….. OUCH… OH DAMNIT! *pretends to get trampled over by horses and throws himself to the ground, twitching every so often…
Link: *is now REALLY blushing as Malon's head is faced down between his legs* Um.. yeah… let's go to… the Princess of the bitches, Zelda! Our local weathergirl!
Zelda: *pretending to hold a sword in her hand, pointing to an imaginary board* There's a lot of activity reported in the central Hyrule field area, near Lon Lon Ranch, that includes high temperatures and sporadic highs and lows! And… *pretends to sword fight with a Stalfos* there's a… high chance of soggy… ground.. later.. *now is parrying with two Stalfos, brings the fight into the audience and pretends to accidentally slice an audience member's head off* Oops!
Link: well that's all we have time fo…. MALON!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE!
Zelda: *from the audience still* he doesn't like THAT? Told you he was gay!
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz* Not to shabby for once!
*Link and Malon put the stools away and everyone sits down*
Rauru: again… no points awarded, just be glad you're still alive!
Malon: hehe… Link's master sword is getting taller!
Link: AH! *crosses his legs, blushing*
Zelda: You know if you stopped wearing spandex you would be fine!
Rauru: Okay our next game is Questons Only. You guys will act out a scene 2 at a time but the catch is you can only use questions to speak to each other. Ready?
*they all stand up and Zelda and Link go on one side and Malon and Gannondorf go on the other*
Rauru: *buzz* Okay the scene is you guys are at school and dealing with drugs! Go! *buzz*
Link: do you want some smack?
Malon: couldn't you just smack me in the ass?
Link: do you know what smack is?
Malon: do you know how to smack someone in the ass?
Link: eerrr…um… yes?
*Rauru buzzes him out and Zelda replaces him*
Zelda: want some crack?
Malon: can you see the cracks in your face?
Zelda: do you want to see my fist in your face?
Malon: Bring it on, bitch! *covers her mouth* oh man!
*buzz buzz… and Gannondorf comes in*
Zelda: have you every tried crack?
Ganon: have I?
Zelda: do you remember if you have?
Ganon: would I remember if I did?
Zelda: will you try some again?
Ganon: don't you have to be in class?
Zelda: are you the principal?
Ganon: aren't you a student?
Zelda: what if I am?
Ganon: shouldn't you be in class?
Zelda: shouldn't you be in the evil realm trapped away for all eternity?
Ganon: welll…. *buzz* figures!
Zelda: *does a little dance, cheering*
Link: did you know you can't dance?
Zelda: aren't you supposed to be in class too?
Link: don't you know who I am?
Zelda: am I supposed to know?
Link: do you know what a hero of time is?
Zelda: a wussy!
*Zelda proudly walks back before the buzz sounds, Rauru buzzes again*
Rauru: Okay, nice job again! You guys are on a roll this time! We might have time for more games too!
Malon: Hey I wanted to go up again! You never let me do it with Link!
Zelda: you can't actually "do it" with him at all! He's gay!
Malon: oh yeah? Explain this then? *holds out a picture of Link on top of Zelda's lap with only whitey tighties on when he was 10 years old* You still think he's gay after THAT?
Zelda: Where'd you get that you lon lon whore?! *tackles her and the two start brawling*
*both start rolling around the floor with Ganon and Link whooping, the audience joins in*
Rauru: guess I spoke too soon… DARUNIA!
*Darunia comes out with his Jerry Springer T-shirt again, glaring at them both before grabbing them by the necks and separating the girls*
Rauru: Now comes your punishment… the secret weapon!
All: Please no!!!
*a little 'tee hee hee' can be heard as Saria steps out with an ocarina in her hands, Rauru conducts her as she starts playing her song on the ocarina. Immediately, Darunia starts dancing with both girls' necks still in his hands*
Zelda/Malon: HELP US!!!!
Darunia: Can't… stop… dancing! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Rauru: We'll be right back after this short commercial from our new sponsors!
*lights fade out and fade back in on Link, who's holding a small bottle of medicine in his hands*
Link: yeah, that's right, it's the hero of time here! I'm standing here to talk to you about viagra!
Voice in the distance: Why the hell do you need Viagra, you're 17 years old!
Link: Glad you asked! The disease that forces men to use Viagra can effect even people my age! And it doesn't help that the only girls I have to attempt to turn me on are all bitches!
Malon: hey! What about me, Link?
Link: Ah… let's face it, you're a whore too…
Zelda: I can't turn you on huh? What about two nights ago! You couldn't keep yourself down!
Ruto: and what about 3 nights ago with me! I swear it took an eternity to settle you down!
Nabooru: What about last night, huh? You were touching the moon with your gigantic di…
Girl: What? You were cheating on me with HER, Link?
Link: *backs away, holding his arms up* wait a minute… I can explain!
*all the girls start chasing him out of the room and the screen goes black. The little bottle is shown with Viagra in clear letters*
Announcer: Viagra…it's not my fault you can't turn me on anymore!
*screen fades back to the set of Whose Triforce is it anyways. Darunia is sitting in his usual place, Saria is back in the audience, and Zelda and Malon both have neck braces on. Everyone is now sitting down*
Rauru: That was disturbing… now on to our next game! Video dating service! Zelda and Link, and Gannondorf and Malon are going to get two separate boxes of hats and they each have to pretend they're people looking for love on a dating service. *he hands out the boxes* Malon, Gannondorf, you're first!
Malon: *puts on a sailor hat* why don't we go below and we can swab the deck all night!
Link: *wearing a tiara* My name is princess Zelda… I haven't had a date in 8 years because I'm obsessed with a spandex wearing Hylian!
*Zelda starts choking Link but as soon as Darunia stands up, they both settle down*
Ganon: *has a peter pan hat on* Age isn't the only thing that stands still in never ever land!
Zelda: *puts on a Stalfos mask* I'm a guaranteed boner!
Malon: *whips on a Keaton Mask* 5 tails, that's right, 5 tails… think about that!
Audience: ???
Link: *transforms using the Zora mask: I'll take ANYONE except the Princess of the Zoras, ANYONE!!!!
Ruto: Why you little….!!!!
Rauru: Down, Ruto, down!
Ganon: *puts on the Gerudo mask* I'm looking for a nice young, healthy boy. Between the ages of 5 and 10 and…
Rauru: *buzz buzz* I do NOT want Ruto and Nabooru down here starting trouble!
Nabooru: Actually Gannondorf's not too far off! *sits back down*
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz* Enough is enough! That's it! Back to your seats! This is getting too disturbing!!!
*everyone puts the boxes away and sits back down*
Rauru: Okay, our next game of the night is the outgoing broadcaster! Link here is going to stand in front of a green screen. Everyone but him will be able to see what's going on behind him. All he will see is green, thus the name green screen.
Zelda: are you trying to crack a joke, or do you think the audience is that stupid?
Rauru: Are you trying to get killed in Mystic's book or do you think I'm stupid? Now laugh!
*she starts laughing hysterically*
Rauru: now then… just because of that, Malon and Gannondorf will be your correspondents in the studio. They'll hopefully help you figure out what you're reporting on.
*Malon and Gannondorf grab stools and sit down*
Rauru: okay you guys can begin!
Malon: *whispering* I heard Mystic is pulling all of our legs and that the person who dies in her book actually is on the show!
Ganon: *whispers* let's just all hope it's Zelda!
Malon: Yeah! I mean.. *looks at the camera* We've interrupted your live telecast of Link's bedroom follies to bring you this special bulletin!
Ganon: We have Link in the field right now, deep in the situation, Link… *looks at the screen, trying not to laugh* can you hear us?
Link: *behind him is a Brittney Spears concert* Yes I can!
Malon: It must be really heard to hear through all that noise!
Link: *starts pointing at random spots* well there's a little commotion here, but that's all, really!
Ganon: So, can you tell us how this started? I personally thought scheduling for this performance was going to be a major problem!
Malon: *whisper* what are you trying to do, you stupid Gerudo, give us away?
Link: *running in place* it all started with a failed attempt at taking over Hyrule by Nabooru and then exploded after that!
Malon: OH MY GOD! I didn't know she broke up with Justin Timberlake?
Everyone: MALON!
Rauru: *really upset* Oh thanks a lot… you've just given it away. Link, you're at a Brittany Spears concert. I can't believe someone would be stupid enough to say THAT? *starts having trouble breathing* I can't… believe… you… *passes out*
Zelda: Rauru!!! *runs up to him* well don't just stand there! *looks at the camera man* turn that thing off and go get help!
*footsteps can be heard as the camera guy sprints off but the camera is still on and running*
Mystery girl *comes up in front of the camera with a microphone* well that's all the time we have for 'Whose Triforce is it anyways?'! Stay tuned for a rerun of Ally Mcbeal! I'm your new host, Marin Koholint!
Link: Marin?? What are you doing here?
Mystic: I brought her here as a present!
Link: to me?
Mystic: Well.. no one wants to see Rauru anymore and I think you've been called gay long enough
Link: so you're going to finally admit that I'm straight?
All: HELL NO!
Zelda: wait.. you didn't do this to him on purpose, did you?
Mystic: well…. It was Gannondorf's idea!
All: Mystic….
*everyone starts chasing after her as the scene closes. Third edition to maybe come out!*
