Writers block effecting outcome of Phantoms of Echoes, so I decided to cool
off with a little Whose Triforce! Thanks for all who R&R and gimme a
reason to write more. It seems to take longer and longer to get these out.
oh well. Hope you all enjoy the fourth edition. - ^_^
Whose Triforce is it anyways?
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. It isn't Rauru. who's the host this time?*
Link: It better not be Tingle, Mystic!
Zelda: Or Marin!
Ruto: he. he. he
Link: MYSTIC!!! Why her again??
Mystic: She's the best host I could find in such a short notice!
Ganon: You had a whole edition to do so.
Mystic: Oh shut up, Ganon. I think she's good, right audience?
*audience starts cheering*
Ruto: *blushes* Thanks!
Zelda: *mumbling* yeah. she's good at screwing cuccos..
Ruto: WHAT??? Why you little. *prepares to lunge at Zelda*
Mystic: No. this will not do at all! That's why Nabooru isn't coming back!
Ganon: Then who is our fourth person?
Link: Colin Mockery?
Zelda: Ryan Stiles?
Ruto: Please not Malon again. that's just sickening!
Link: Don't talk about my girlfriend like that!
All: WHAT??
Link: Yeah! We started going out! There! You guys can't say I'm gay anymore!
Zelda: You picked the lon lon slut over me??
Ruto: You picked the horse-loving whore over me??
Ganon: Yes we can. you could of just agreed to go out with her to disguise your homosexuality by going out with her but in truth you're only going to hurt the young girl's feelings because everyone knows the truth!
All: *facefault*
Zelda: When did you ever care?
Ruto: How do you know about this stuff?
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!
Ganon: It shouldn't be that big of a surprise.
Mystic: Do you guys want to know the fourth person or not?
Link: well. we'd be able to see them if you'd just turn on the lights!
Mystic: Nah. that'd be too easy!
Zelda: Then tell us!
Mystic: I'll let them say hi themselves!
*Mystic turns the spotlight onto the fourth chair. where a familiar face awaits*
Rauru: Hello all!
All: AAAAHHHH! IT'S A GHOST!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Mystic.. He's too old. unfunny.
Mystic: He'll do fine.
Ruto: But he has no hands!
Mystic: this is improvisation, not physical work!
Ganon: I'll kill him if we start the show.
Mystic: Show has already started and if you try ANYTHING I'll bring Malon back with an obsession on you!
Ganon: Ack. nevermind.
Zelda: He already had a heart attack though, we don't want him to get another!
All: SAYS WHO??
Mystic: See? He IS perfect!
Rauru: Why DON'T I like the sound of that.
Mystic: Now, let's get started! Hit it Ruto!
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage.*
Ruto: On the show tonight, the young and the gay: Link; the young and the bitchy: Princess Zelda; the young and the evil: Gannondorf; and the young and the not-so-young: Rauru! Come on down and let's destroy some careers!
*Ruto skips off the steps to her desk and beeps the buzzer a couple of times before smiling to the camera*
Ruto: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways?! The show where everything is made up and the professionals don't matter. I'm the young and the beautiful, Ruto!
Zelda: You wish.
Ruto: *growling* Shut it, bitch. this is MY introduction time!
Link: Here we go. again.
Ruto: Our performers are from the land of Hyrule with one purpose, to screw up this game to the best of their ability. And through the last 3 editions, they've proved to do that pretty nicely!
Zelda: Just remember, you were one of us two editions ago!
Ruto: Go screw a poe, Princess Bitchiness.
Zelda: Damnit, Princess Prostitute!
Ruto: Mistress of the Happy Mask Salesman!
Zelda: Mistress of the Lakeside Laboratory Scientist!
Rauru: Princess Zelda is getting good at that.
Ruto: errr. up yours, Hylian whore!
Zelda: grrr. up your fathers, Zora slut!
Link: yeah, but how do they keep on coming up with so many.?
Ganon, Link, & Rauru: *shaking their heads* Women.
Ruto: WHAT??? Don't talk about my daddy like that!!!
Zelda: aw. is poor Ruto hurt when I talk about her fat father?
Ruto: THAT'S IT!!!!
*Darunia roars out in his Jerry Springer attire and holds Ruto back as she tries to get to Zelda, all the while the princess is giving Ruto the finger and laughing in her face*
Link: you know. we could always just let her go, Zelda.
Rauru: You thinking what I'm thinking, Link? Ganon?
Link: Hey! Mystic, we have a new story idea for you!
Mystic: huh? Wait. I'm supposed to be trying to get you guys to get on with the show. eh. *kinda desperate* what is it?
Ganon: Ruto and Zelda in.
Link, Rauru & Ganon: MUD WRESTLING!!!!!!
Mystic: ....
*Ruto stops fighting and Zelda looks over with her with wide eyes*
Ruto & Zelda: What are you going to do to us???
Ruto: I'd kick her ass!
Zelda: No way! Remember, I'm in Super Smash Bros Melee!
Ruto: But everyone only uses you for Sheik!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: Does too!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: Does too!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: I saw Rauru playing as "it" yesterday!
Zelda: Sheik is a girl!
Ruto: He/She!
Zelda: Girl!
Ruto: He/She!
Link: I thought he was a guy.
Ganon: I thought Sheik was an insignificant worm.
Rauru: I think Zelda has multiple personality disorder.
Zelda & Ruto: WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!!!!
Mystic: *trying to act all sweet and nice* Guys..
All: *gulp* Yes, Mystic?
Mystic: *fire forms behind her and horns grow from her head* START THE *Beep(in)* SHOW!!!!!!!!!
Ruto: *hiding behind her desk in Darunia's arms still* yes master.
Link: *cowering behind a chair* yes master..
Zelda: *behind the screen* yes master.
Ganon: *standing up straight, cheering* Join me, Mystic! Together we can rule Hyrule!
Mystic: *acting all sweet and nice again* Nah. I already rule you all, now get started!
*Copyright guys come out of the shadows, pull her behind the curtains and start to maul her behind the scenes. Horrible sounds of bone crunching and screams can be heard*
Mystic: *stumbles out from behind the curtain, badly beaten up* I mean. *cough cough* I rule you all in this story, Nintendo really owns you guys. sorry.. Please, I'm so sorry. Mr. Miyamoto.
*Darunia carries Mystic off behind the scenes and Ruto just looks around blankly*
Ruto: Okay, back to the show! Our first game is scenes from a hat! Before the show started we asked the audience to write some scenes down and we'll get our improvisation group to act them out! Performers to your corners!
*Link and Zelda stand on the side farthest from Ruto and Ganon and Rauru stand on the other*
Ruto: *pulls out a piece of paper from a Link hat* Love scenes cut out of Ocarina of time
*Ganon and Zelda step up grinning*
Zelda: Oh Gannondorf Dragmire.
Ganon: Oh Princess Zelda.
*they run into each other and hug passionately*
Ruto: *beep beep* disturbing you guys!
Rauru: *steps up with Link in tow* Oh my god. Impa's in love with Dampe? I didn't know "gravestones" could move like that!
Link: *looks where Rauru is pretending to point, pretends to look shocked*
Impa: *stand up from the stands* I am NOT in love with a ghost!
Dampe: *stands up from the seat next to her, winking* That's not what you were saying last night.
Ruto: *beep beep* by the goddesses.. That really was cut out, Rauru?
Rauru: Um. I was just kidding.
Ruto: *pulls out another one* Next up, Things the Goddesses should of told Link.
*Link steps up and Rauru starts acting all holy-like*
Link: Oh great goddesses!
Rauru: Link. take the spandex off!
Link: You try to battle Ganon in that huge robe of yours!
Ruto: *beep beep* Please stay in character.
*Link stays out while Ganon steps up now*
Link: *a little less enthusiastic* Oh great goddesses.
Ganon: Oh, didn't we tell you? The hero of time is also required to do some. "extra" things for us. Din! Direct Link to our kitchen sink!
Link: Wha. *holds his hands in front of him* no.! NOOOOO!
Ruto: *beep beep* That's a little better.
*Zelda saunters in front of Link while Ganon goes back to his side*
Link: *almost mad now, teeth clenched* Oh great goddesses.
Zelda: *acting holy-like* Remember, to defeat Gannondorf at the top of his castle, you must volley his energy balls and then go in for the kill when he is down. and oh yeah. he'll use the Triforce of Power to change into a hideous beast so don't be surprised when he jumps out of a pile of rubble and don't under no circumstances lose the Master Sword. nothing much!
Link: Now THAT'S something they could of told me!!!!!
Ruto: You do realize you still must be in character, despite what they say. don't you Link?
Link: Oh yeah.
Ruto: *pulls another one out* Oh my. Why people buy Zelda games.
*Link steps up and crosses her arms, grinning madly*
Ruto: *beep beep* We ALL know that isn't true!
*Zelda steps up and does the exact same thing*
Ruto: *beep beep beep beep beep* Oh get over yourself, Lovable character wanna-be
Zelda: *just grinning* Just remember. *points to herself* Every Legend of Zelda game. *points to Ruto* One little bity Legend of Zelda game. hehehe
Ruto: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a damsel in distress all the time!
Zelda: What do you call inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly? Or the water temple?
Ruto: Still not as many as you!
Zelda: But if they didn't happen to me, the game wouldn't be made. If you died, no one would care!
Ruto: I have fans!
Zelda: All two of them? Yourself and your father?
*Ruto tries to struggle and get to Zelda but Darunia already anticipated this and has been holding Ruto back ever since she started the catfight with Zelda*
*Darunia looks up to the camera*
Darunia: While we're having some technical difficulties, let's go to a commericial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
*screen fades to black and comes up again with Malon and Nabooru standing in front of a camera*
Malon: Do you have trouble getting guys?
Nabooru: Hell yeah!
Malon: Did you ever wonder why?
Nabooru: Um. because I'm a man-hating leader of a group of female thieves who kidnap men and kill them for the pure joy of it?
Malon: Heh. well. um. for people not like you, there's Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!
Nabooru: A mates shop?
Malon: Yes! Hundreds of men and women from the Hyrule, Zora's Domain, Goron's Village, Kakariko Village, and even from the Gerudo's Fortress await YOUR entry into his shop so you can take them away!
Nabooru: *acting baffled* He can't REALLY keep hundreds of men and women in that shop, can he?
Malon: Here's how it works! The Happy Mask Salesman will make a mold of your face and turn it into a haunting mask! All a person has to do is wear the mask and they'll turn into an exact replica of you! Then you can observe their looks, voice. and other parts while being "them." If they seem like the right type, the Salesman will give you their address!
Nabooru: Doesn't that seem a little flawed.? I mean they could go with a person based on the size of their di.
Malon: *puts her hand over Nabooru's mouth* Just remember, lucky singles! If you need help finding that special someone, go to Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!
*screen fades to black and reappears with Ruto in her desk looking calm but slightly agitated*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
Ruto: THAT'S who we're sponsored by???
Mystic: Don't start.
Ruto: Ah. right. Welcome back to Whose Triforce is it Anyways? Right now everyone is tied for points at. ZERO! Our next game is Props! I'll give Zelda and Gannondorf , and Link and Rauru, one prop. They'll have to turn the prop into as many things as they can.
*Link and Rauru step up to Ruto as she gives them the Biggoron's sword*
Ruto: Here's your prop.
*They go off to the other side of the stage and Gannondorf and Zelda receive the hookshot*
Ruto: And yours. Okay guys, we'll start with Link and Rauru, go ahead!
*Link picks up the sword and puts the point right at Rauru's arm*
Rauru: Isn't this going to hurt?
Link: It's just a little shot, it'll only be a little prick!
Ruto: *beep* I think that would be a little more than a prick.
*Link takes it down and tries to figure out their next one and Zelda holds the hookshot down to the ground like she's focusing on something*
Ganon: You're going to miss it. You're going to miss it.
Zelda: I AM not going to miss it! I've fished like this before hundreds of times!
Ruto: *beep* Hookshots. now with a free sinking lure!
Rauru: *holds the sword up in the air while Link makes thunder-like noises*
Link: What are you doing with that?
Rauru: I'm going to charge up my energizer batteries with the lighting! Watch what happens with it hits the tip! *pretends to be electrocuted and screams*
Ruto: *beep beep* If only that would really happen.
Rauru: Hey!
*Gannondorf lays the hookshot on the ground as Zelda pretends to start crying and he starts laughing*
Zelda: Why did morphus have to eat Link? He was supposed to save Hyrule! Now. this is all that's left of him!!! Wah!!!!
Ganon: BWHAHAHAHA! Now I can easily take over Hyrule!
Ruto: *beep* Well you did need the hookshot to defeat that thing. but Gannondorf. you sound like Bowser.
Ganon: Do not compare me to that weak worm!
Ruto: Well. he got thrown off a platform by his tail and that's your weakest spot, you guys have something in common!
Ganon: ......
Ruto: Keep on going guys!
All: BUT WE DON'T WANT TO!!! THIS GAME SUCKS AND WE CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER USES FOR THESE DUMB WEAPONS!!!
Ruto: Whinny babies.
All: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Ruto: Wait a minute. Mystic, is that you!
Mystic: Um. damn straight?
Ruto: I figured. don't tell me you're getting writers block for this story too?
Mystic: No, just for that game, let's move on!
*all the performers clear the stage and give the weapons back to Ruto*
Ruto: Well, I'll give you credit for being honest I suppose. Our next game is what. that's all the time we have?
All: WHAT?
Ruto: Seems you guys spent too much time fighting.
All: WHAT??
Ruto: Just kidding!
All: R.R.RUTO!!!!
Ruto: Now that I've had my fun, time for our next real game, which Mystic doesn't know the name of! This is how it goes. Gannondorf and Rauru will be attempting to sell a compilation of songs on a cd and Link and Zelda must sing bits of the songs with help from our musical genius, Saria! I need an idea from the audience on what compilation cd you'd NEVER see out on the market.
Malon: Link's love songs to me!
Ruto: No.
Nabooru: Gerudo male love songs!
Ruto: That's true, it couldn't ever be released. but no love songs
Ganon: hey! I'm a Gerudo male!
Ruto: No, you're an evil son-of-a-bi.
Talon: How about female dogs?
Ruto: No.
Anju: Majora's Mask Soundtrack
Ruto: Hey. not a bad idea. wait. aren't you supposed to be in Termina?
Anju: I divorced my husband. looking for a new one.
Link: Wait a minute! After all that crap I went through to put you two together and get you married, THIS is how you repay me???
Ruto: Heh. anyways, the Compliation is the Majora's Mask soundtrack! Ganon, Rauru, go ahead and begin the game!
*Ganon and Rauru sit in stools and face the camera as it zooms in on them while Zelda and Link get ready to improvise singing talents*
Ganon: We interrupt the execution of Kaebora Gaebora to bring you this special bulletin!
Rauru: Hey! That's m. I mean yeah. execution. right.
Ganon: How many times have you played through Majora's Mask, Rauru?
Rauru: Once. and I'm never doing it again!
Ganon: But didn't one thing catch your ears most of the time?
Rauru: What? The crappy music that copied off ocarina of time because Nintendo was lazy and only created a few more scores of music. I mean come on. Saria's song was in there and she wasn't even in the game!
Ganon: heh. heh. heh. well anyways, we're still selling the soundtrack because there are a chosen few who like the game.
Rauru: There are?
Ganon: Yes! And there are some that you have never heard the lyrics to!
Rauru: There are lyrics to the songs?
Ganon: Yes, let's start off with Saria's song, which is actually a secret love song to a special someone!
*Saria glares at Link, Zelda, and Gannondorf before she begins, because she doesn't want them to ruin her song, afterall. Her song starts playing loudly through the stage all on a little fairy ocarina she plays and Link and Zelda begin to bop their heads around as if they were Gorons*
Link: *tries singing in a little kid voice* Just my luck, Mido sucks, Now I'll have to find a new boyfriend! A cute boyfriend! There he is, Flashing his, "Kokiri sword" for all the girls to see! Hey look at me?!
Zelda: *shakes her head at Link's inability to finish off the sentence* But is he, really, right for me? Should I be, hitting him, with a tree? Or throw him, into a, hive of bees? I guess I'll just wait for the day, until I prove that day, that he is gay!!!!
*As Saria finishes she takes the ocarina and throws it at Link's head*
Ganon: Wasn't that brilliant?
Rauru: Do I have to answer.?
Ganon: how much would you pay for the soundtrack, just for that song?
Rauru: Half a green rupee?
Ganon: Higher!
Rauru: Three-fourths of a green rupee?
Ganon: Higher!
Rauru: A green rupee?
Ganon: Bingo! And if you act now, we'll throw in the severed head of Kaebora Gaebora!
Rauru: Ack. but that's my hea. I mean that reminds me of another song on the track about the death of a beloved character!
All: *burst out laughing*
Ruto: *beep, still laughing* I'm sorry Rauru. but the owl is about as popular as Navi's relentless nagging!
Rauru: grrr. anyways! The true meaning of the song of storms, entitled, We love Dampe!
*Saria starts playing the Song of Storms and a huge thunderstorm begins to pour down on everyone and again Link and Zelda bounce together simultaneously*
Zelda: *tries to sing softly* We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! The hunchback of Kakariko, a huge rac-i-ing foe!
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! *grumbling* Makes me work for the hookshot. and digs up dirt a lot.
Zelda: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! He's now really far down low, sleeping with a female poe!
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! In the village graveyard's mud, he acts like a ghostly stud!
Both: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! Weeee loooove Daaammmppeee!!!
Ganon: Doesn't that make you wanna get up and dance?
Rauru: *folds up the umbrella he had up* Makes me want to stay out of the rain and a graveyard. that's for sure.
Ruto: *beep beep* Okay guys, that's it!
*everyone goes back to their chairs*
Zelda: Why did you end it after 2 songs? "Whose Line is it anyways" gets three or more!
Ruto: Dampe is a character from Ocarina of time, so the song wasn't even relevant to the subject I gave you!
Ganon & Rauru: Sorry.
Rauru: You can't blame us. I wasn't even in the game!
Ganon: Neither was I!
Zelda: You shouldn't of been, you belong in the Evil realm. where I SHOULD put you now!
Ganon: Am I terrorizing Hyrule? No. Am I attacking your precious hero of time? No. I'm being a civilized person, so you can't seal me up! So nah nah! *sticks out his tongue at her*
Zelda: Just wait until this is over, you still have to pay for your crimes!
Ganon: I'd like to see you try, weakling!
Zelda: Weakling? I didn't get beaten by a fairy boy!
Link: Hey, that's not fair.
Ganon: Yeah, well, I don't have trouble lifting up metal bars when running out of a castle!
Zelda: I don't create wimpy phantoms who are even easier to beat than the first boss of the game!
Ganon: I'm not a cross-dresser who let me into the Sacred Realm by letting a little 10-year-old lead me to it!
Zelda: Sheik is a girl, so I'm not a cross-dresser!
Rauru: We went through this once already.
Ruto: I'm just mad because I'm not in this calling Zelda a bitch.
Link: I didn't lead him to it! I didn't even know who the hell he was until then!
Ruto: *beep beep beep* Do we have to go to another commercial or what???
All: PLEASE NO!!!! WE'LL BE GOOD!!!
Ruto: Better! Anyways, since I didn't tell you your point totals after each game, no one won! But I'll let you all read the credits as yourselves! This is Ruto, saying get out there and R&R!
*Music starts up again and credits start rolling down the screen. of course there aren't very many!*
Zelda: Me!
Link: Me!
Ganon: I, Gannondorf Dragmire.
Zelda: *grumble* full of yourself.
Rauru: Me!
All: *grumble* Ruto.
Zelda: Special appearances by Anju, our musical talent, Saria, and a bunch of other people!
Link: Sorry to: Majora's Mask fans, Dampe, Anju's husband, Nabooru and Malon for having to do that horrible commercial, fans for not really killing off Rauru.
Rauru: hey! I wasn't that bad!
Link: The REAL Whose Line is it anyways for degrading your hilarious show into a little fanfiction with fictional characters, Mr. Shiguru Miyamoto, Nintendo America for not killing Mystic
Ruto: Oh right. thanks.
Mystic: WHAT WAS THAT???
Ruto: Nothing! Nothing!
Link: Fans who have been waiting for this edition, people who hate this story.
Mystic: Actually if you hate it, why are you reading it?
Ganon: Maybe I should continue. Cloud and Elly for not including their commentaries, Zelda fans who haven't seen their favorite character as a performer. by the Goddesses'. how long is this list?
Rauru: Um. thanks to those who have R&R AKA supported the story. Devin, Jameta of the Darkness, The Fierce Deity, Evil Neptune, Dark Zero, Little Cherry Blosson, Song Guy and j_6400 for R&Ring.
Zelda: Exclusive Producer, Director, caterer, animal trainer, prop creator, copyright stealer.
Mystic: That isn't in there and I apologized!
Zelda: and overall author of this fanfiction, Mystic Deity!
*I, of course, take my bow*
Zelda: *grumbles* another one. full of herself.
Mystic: Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other. no.. that's Jerry Springer's lines. Remember: Reviews equal more editions. G'night Everybody!
Whose Triforce is it anyways?
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage. It isn't Rauru. who's the host this time?*
Link: It better not be Tingle, Mystic!
Zelda: Or Marin!
Ruto: he. he. he
Link: MYSTIC!!! Why her again??
Mystic: She's the best host I could find in such a short notice!
Ganon: You had a whole edition to do so.
Mystic: Oh shut up, Ganon. I think she's good, right audience?
*audience starts cheering*
Ruto: *blushes* Thanks!
Zelda: *mumbling* yeah. she's good at screwing cuccos..
Ruto: WHAT??? Why you little. *prepares to lunge at Zelda*
Mystic: No. this will not do at all! That's why Nabooru isn't coming back!
Ganon: Then who is our fourth person?
Link: Colin Mockery?
Zelda: Ryan Stiles?
Ruto: Please not Malon again. that's just sickening!
Link: Don't talk about my girlfriend like that!
All: WHAT??
Link: Yeah! We started going out! There! You guys can't say I'm gay anymore!
Zelda: You picked the lon lon slut over me??
Ruto: You picked the horse-loving whore over me??
Ganon: Yes we can. you could of just agreed to go out with her to disguise your homosexuality by going out with her but in truth you're only going to hurt the young girl's feelings because everyone knows the truth!
All: *facefault*
Zelda: When did you ever care?
Ruto: How do you know about this stuff?
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!
Ganon: It shouldn't be that big of a surprise.
Mystic: Do you guys want to know the fourth person or not?
Link: well. we'd be able to see them if you'd just turn on the lights!
Mystic: Nah. that'd be too easy!
Zelda: Then tell us!
Mystic: I'll let them say hi themselves!
*Mystic turns the spotlight onto the fourth chair. where a familiar face awaits*
Rauru: Hello all!
All: AAAAHHHH! IT'S A GHOST!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Mystic.. He's too old. unfunny.
Mystic: He'll do fine.
Ruto: But he has no hands!
Mystic: this is improvisation, not physical work!
Ganon: I'll kill him if we start the show.
Mystic: Show has already started and if you try ANYTHING I'll bring Malon back with an obsession on you!
Ganon: Ack. nevermind.
Zelda: He already had a heart attack though, we don't want him to get another!
All: SAYS WHO??
Mystic: See? He IS perfect!
Rauru: Why DON'T I like the sound of that.
Mystic: Now, let's get started! Hit it Ruto!
*music comes on as the camera fades into focus. In a dark room, 3 spotlights narrow in on a lone figure sitting in the middle of the audience. A sole spotlight highlights the figure on the stage.*
Ruto: On the show tonight, the young and the gay: Link; the young and the bitchy: Princess Zelda; the young and the evil: Gannondorf; and the young and the not-so-young: Rauru! Come on down and let's destroy some careers!
*Ruto skips off the steps to her desk and beeps the buzzer a couple of times before smiling to the camera*
Ruto: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways?! The show where everything is made up and the professionals don't matter. I'm the young and the beautiful, Ruto!
Zelda: You wish.
Ruto: *growling* Shut it, bitch. this is MY introduction time!
Link: Here we go. again.
Ruto: Our performers are from the land of Hyrule with one purpose, to screw up this game to the best of their ability. And through the last 3 editions, they've proved to do that pretty nicely!
Zelda: Just remember, you were one of us two editions ago!
Ruto: Go screw a poe, Princess Bitchiness.
Zelda: Damnit, Princess Prostitute!
Ruto: Mistress of the Happy Mask Salesman!
Zelda: Mistress of the Lakeside Laboratory Scientist!
Rauru: Princess Zelda is getting good at that.
Ruto: errr. up yours, Hylian whore!
Zelda: grrr. up your fathers, Zora slut!
Link: yeah, but how do they keep on coming up with so many.?
Ganon, Link, & Rauru: *shaking their heads* Women.
Ruto: WHAT??? Don't talk about my daddy like that!!!
Zelda: aw. is poor Ruto hurt when I talk about her fat father?
Ruto: THAT'S IT!!!!
*Darunia roars out in his Jerry Springer attire and holds Ruto back as she tries to get to Zelda, all the while the princess is giving Ruto the finger and laughing in her face*
Link: you know. we could always just let her go, Zelda.
Rauru: You thinking what I'm thinking, Link? Ganon?
Link: Hey! Mystic, we have a new story idea for you!
Mystic: huh? Wait. I'm supposed to be trying to get you guys to get on with the show. eh. *kinda desperate* what is it?
Ganon: Ruto and Zelda in.
Link, Rauru & Ganon: MUD WRESTLING!!!!!!
Mystic: ....
*Ruto stops fighting and Zelda looks over with her with wide eyes*
Ruto & Zelda: What are you going to do to us???
Ruto: I'd kick her ass!
Zelda: No way! Remember, I'm in Super Smash Bros Melee!
Ruto: But everyone only uses you for Sheik!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: Does too!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: Does too!
Zelda: Does not!
Ruto: I saw Rauru playing as "it" yesterday!
Zelda: Sheik is a girl!
Ruto: He/She!
Zelda: Girl!
Ruto: He/She!
Link: I thought he was a guy.
Ganon: I thought Sheik was an insignificant worm.
Rauru: I think Zelda has multiple personality disorder.
Zelda & Ruto: WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!!!!
Mystic: *trying to act all sweet and nice* Guys..
All: *gulp* Yes, Mystic?
Mystic: *fire forms behind her and horns grow from her head* START THE *Beep(in)* SHOW!!!!!!!!!
Ruto: *hiding behind her desk in Darunia's arms still* yes master.
Link: *cowering behind a chair* yes master..
Zelda: *behind the screen* yes master.
Ganon: *standing up straight, cheering* Join me, Mystic! Together we can rule Hyrule!
Mystic: *acting all sweet and nice again* Nah. I already rule you all, now get started!
*Copyright guys come out of the shadows, pull her behind the curtains and start to maul her behind the scenes. Horrible sounds of bone crunching and screams can be heard*
Mystic: *stumbles out from behind the curtain, badly beaten up* I mean. *cough cough* I rule you all in this story, Nintendo really owns you guys. sorry.. Please, I'm so sorry. Mr. Miyamoto.
*Darunia carries Mystic off behind the scenes and Ruto just looks around blankly*
Ruto: Okay, back to the show! Our first game is scenes from a hat! Before the show started we asked the audience to write some scenes down and we'll get our improvisation group to act them out! Performers to your corners!
*Link and Zelda stand on the side farthest from Ruto and Ganon and Rauru stand on the other*
Ruto: *pulls out a piece of paper from a Link hat* Love scenes cut out of Ocarina of time
*Ganon and Zelda step up grinning*
Zelda: Oh Gannondorf Dragmire.
Ganon: Oh Princess Zelda.
*they run into each other and hug passionately*
Ruto: *beep beep* disturbing you guys!
Rauru: *steps up with Link in tow* Oh my god. Impa's in love with Dampe? I didn't know "gravestones" could move like that!
Link: *looks where Rauru is pretending to point, pretends to look shocked*
Impa: *stand up from the stands* I am NOT in love with a ghost!
Dampe: *stands up from the seat next to her, winking* That's not what you were saying last night.
Ruto: *beep beep* by the goddesses.. That really was cut out, Rauru?
Rauru: Um. I was just kidding.
Ruto: *pulls out another one* Next up, Things the Goddesses should of told Link.
*Link steps up and Rauru starts acting all holy-like*
Link: Oh great goddesses!
Rauru: Link. take the spandex off!
Link: You try to battle Ganon in that huge robe of yours!
Ruto: *beep beep* Please stay in character.
*Link stays out while Ganon steps up now*
Link: *a little less enthusiastic* Oh great goddesses.
Ganon: Oh, didn't we tell you? The hero of time is also required to do some. "extra" things for us. Din! Direct Link to our kitchen sink!
Link: Wha. *holds his hands in front of him* no.! NOOOOO!
Ruto: *beep beep* That's a little better.
*Zelda saunters in front of Link while Ganon goes back to his side*
Link: *almost mad now, teeth clenched* Oh great goddesses.
Zelda: *acting holy-like* Remember, to defeat Gannondorf at the top of his castle, you must volley his energy balls and then go in for the kill when he is down. and oh yeah. he'll use the Triforce of Power to change into a hideous beast so don't be surprised when he jumps out of a pile of rubble and don't under no circumstances lose the Master Sword. nothing much!
Link: Now THAT'S something they could of told me!!!!!
Ruto: You do realize you still must be in character, despite what they say. don't you Link?
Link: Oh yeah.
Ruto: *pulls another one out* Oh my. Why people buy Zelda games.
*Link steps up and crosses her arms, grinning madly*
Ruto: *beep beep* We ALL know that isn't true!
*Zelda steps up and does the exact same thing*
Ruto: *beep beep beep beep beep* Oh get over yourself, Lovable character wanna-be
Zelda: *just grinning* Just remember. *points to herself* Every Legend of Zelda game. *points to Ruto* One little bity Legend of Zelda game. hehehe
Ruto: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a damsel in distress all the time!
Zelda: What do you call inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly? Or the water temple?
Ruto: Still not as many as you!
Zelda: But if they didn't happen to me, the game wouldn't be made. If you died, no one would care!
Ruto: I have fans!
Zelda: All two of them? Yourself and your father?
*Ruto tries to struggle and get to Zelda but Darunia already anticipated this and has been holding Ruto back ever since she started the catfight with Zelda*
*Darunia looks up to the camera*
Darunia: While we're having some technical difficulties, let's go to a commericial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
*screen fades to black and comes up again with Malon and Nabooru standing in front of a camera*
Malon: Do you have trouble getting guys?
Nabooru: Hell yeah!
Malon: Did you ever wonder why?
Nabooru: Um. because I'm a man-hating leader of a group of female thieves who kidnap men and kill them for the pure joy of it?
Malon: Heh. well. um. for people not like you, there's Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!
Nabooru: A mates shop?
Malon: Yes! Hundreds of men and women from the Hyrule, Zora's Domain, Goron's Village, Kakariko Village, and even from the Gerudo's Fortress await YOUR entry into his shop so you can take them away!
Nabooru: *acting baffled* He can't REALLY keep hundreds of men and women in that shop, can he?
Malon: Here's how it works! The Happy Mask Salesman will make a mold of your face and turn it into a haunting mask! All a person has to do is wear the mask and they'll turn into an exact replica of you! Then you can observe their looks, voice. and other parts while being "them." If they seem like the right type, the Salesman will give you their address!
Nabooru: Doesn't that seem a little flawed.? I mean they could go with a person based on the size of their di.
Malon: *puts her hand over Nabooru's mouth* Just remember, lucky singles! If you need help finding that special someone, go to Happy Mask Salesman's mates shop!
*screen fades to black and reappears with Ruto in her desk looking calm but slightly agitated*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
Ruto: THAT'S who we're sponsored by???
Mystic: Don't start.
Ruto: Ah. right. Welcome back to Whose Triforce is it Anyways? Right now everyone is tied for points at. ZERO! Our next game is Props! I'll give Zelda and Gannondorf , and Link and Rauru, one prop. They'll have to turn the prop into as many things as they can.
*Link and Rauru step up to Ruto as she gives them the Biggoron's sword*
Ruto: Here's your prop.
*They go off to the other side of the stage and Gannondorf and Zelda receive the hookshot*
Ruto: And yours. Okay guys, we'll start with Link and Rauru, go ahead!
*Link picks up the sword and puts the point right at Rauru's arm*
Rauru: Isn't this going to hurt?
Link: It's just a little shot, it'll only be a little prick!
Ruto: *beep* I think that would be a little more than a prick.
*Link takes it down and tries to figure out their next one and Zelda holds the hookshot down to the ground like she's focusing on something*
Ganon: You're going to miss it. You're going to miss it.
Zelda: I AM not going to miss it! I've fished like this before hundreds of times!
Ruto: *beep* Hookshots. now with a free sinking lure!
Rauru: *holds the sword up in the air while Link makes thunder-like noises*
Link: What are you doing with that?
Rauru: I'm going to charge up my energizer batteries with the lighting! Watch what happens with it hits the tip! *pretends to be electrocuted and screams*
Ruto: *beep beep* If only that would really happen.
Rauru: Hey!
*Gannondorf lays the hookshot on the ground as Zelda pretends to start crying and he starts laughing*
Zelda: Why did morphus have to eat Link? He was supposed to save Hyrule! Now. this is all that's left of him!!! Wah!!!!
Ganon: BWHAHAHAHA! Now I can easily take over Hyrule!
Ruto: *beep* Well you did need the hookshot to defeat that thing. but Gannondorf. you sound like Bowser.
Ganon: Do not compare me to that weak worm!
Ruto: Well. he got thrown off a platform by his tail and that's your weakest spot, you guys have something in common!
Ganon: ......
Ruto: Keep on going guys!
All: BUT WE DON'T WANT TO!!! THIS GAME SUCKS AND WE CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER USES FOR THESE DUMB WEAPONS!!!
Ruto: Whinny babies.
All: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Ruto: Wait a minute. Mystic, is that you!
Mystic: Um. damn straight?
Ruto: I figured. don't tell me you're getting writers block for this story too?
Mystic: No, just for that game, let's move on!
*all the performers clear the stage and give the weapons back to Ruto*
Ruto: Well, I'll give you credit for being honest I suppose. Our next game is what. that's all the time we have?
All: WHAT?
Ruto: Seems you guys spent too much time fighting.
All: WHAT??
Ruto: Just kidding!
All: R.R.RUTO!!!!
Ruto: Now that I've had my fun, time for our next real game, which Mystic doesn't know the name of! This is how it goes. Gannondorf and Rauru will be attempting to sell a compilation of songs on a cd and Link and Zelda must sing bits of the songs with help from our musical genius, Saria! I need an idea from the audience on what compilation cd you'd NEVER see out on the market.
Malon: Link's love songs to me!
Ruto: No.
Nabooru: Gerudo male love songs!
Ruto: That's true, it couldn't ever be released. but no love songs
Ganon: hey! I'm a Gerudo male!
Ruto: No, you're an evil son-of-a-bi.
Talon: How about female dogs?
Ruto: No.
Anju: Majora's Mask Soundtrack
Ruto: Hey. not a bad idea. wait. aren't you supposed to be in Termina?
Anju: I divorced my husband. looking for a new one.
Link: Wait a minute! After all that crap I went through to put you two together and get you married, THIS is how you repay me???
Ruto: Heh. anyways, the Compliation is the Majora's Mask soundtrack! Ganon, Rauru, go ahead and begin the game!
*Ganon and Rauru sit in stools and face the camera as it zooms in on them while Zelda and Link get ready to improvise singing talents*
Ganon: We interrupt the execution of Kaebora Gaebora to bring you this special bulletin!
Rauru: Hey! That's m. I mean yeah. execution. right.
Ganon: How many times have you played through Majora's Mask, Rauru?
Rauru: Once. and I'm never doing it again!
Ganon: But didn't one thing catch your ears most of the time?
Rauru: What? The crappy music that copied off ocarina of time because Nintendo was lazy and only created a few more scores of music. I mean come on. Saria's song was in there and she wasn't even in the game!
Ganon: heh. heh. heh. well anyways, we're still selling the soundtrack because there are a chosen few who like the game.
Rauru: There are?
Ganon: Yes! And there are some that you have never heard the lyrics to!
Rauru: There are lyrics to the songs?
Ganon: Yes, let's start off with Saria's song, which is actually a secret love song to a special someone!
*Saria glares at Link, Zelda, and Gannondorf before she begins, because she doesn't want them to ruin her song, afterall. Her song starts playing loudly through the stage all on a little fairy ocarina she plays and Link and Zelda begin to bop their heads around as if they were Gorons*
Link: *tries singing in a little kid voice* Just my luck, Mido sucks, Now I'll have to find a new boyfriend! A cute boyfriend! There he is, Flashing his, "Kokiri sword" for all the girls to see! Hey look at me?!
Zelda: *shakes her head at Link's inability to finish off the sentence* But is he, really, right for me? Should I be, hitting him, with a tree? Or throw him, into a, hive of bees? I guess I'll just wait for the day, until I prove that day, that he is gay!!!!
*As Saria finishes she takes the ocarina and throws it at Link's head*
Ganon: Wasn't that brilliant?
Rauru: Do I have to answer.?
Ganon: how much would you pay for the soundtrack, just for that song?
Rauru: Half a green rupee?
Ganon: Higher!
Rauru: Three-fourths of a green rupee?
Ganon: Higher!
Rauru: A green rupee?
Ganon: Bingo! And if you act now, we'll throw in the severed head of Kaebora Gaebora!
Rauru: Ack. but that's my hea. I mean that reminds me of another song on the track about the death of a beloved character!
All: *burst out laughing*
Ruto: *beep, still laughing* I'm sorry Rauru. but the owl is about as popular as Navi's relentless nagging!
Rauru: grrr. anyways! The true meaning of the song of storms, entitled, We love Dampe!
*Saria starts playing the Song of Storms and a huge thunderstorm begins to pour down on everyone and again Link and Zelda bounce together simultaneously*
Zelda: *tries to sing softly* We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! The hunchback of Kakariko, a huge rac-i-ing foe!
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! *grumbling* Makes me work for the hookshot. and digs up dirt a lot.
Zelda: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! He's now really far down low, sleeping with a female poe!
Link: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! In the village graveyard's mud, he acts like a ghostly stud!
Both: We-ee-ee Lo-oo-ve, We-e Lo-ove Dampe! Weeee loooove Daaammmppeee!!!
Ganon: Doesn't that make you wanna get up and dance?
Rauru: *folds up the umbrella he had up* Makes me want to stay out of the rain and a graveyard. that's for sure.
Ruto: *beep beep* Okay guys, that's it!
*everyone goes back to their chairs*
Zelda: Why did you end it after 2 songs? "Whose Line is it anyways" gets three or more!
Ruto: Dampe is a character from Ocarina of time, so the song wasn't even relevant to the subject I gave you!
Ganon & Rauru: Sorry.
Rauru: You can't blame us. I wasn't even in the game!
Ganon: Neither was I!
Zelda: You shouldn't of been, you belong in the Evil realm. where I SHOULD put you now!
Ganon: Am I terrorizing Hyrule? No. Am I attacking your precious hero of time? No. I'm being a civilized person, so you can't seal me up! So nah nah! *sticks out his tongue at her*
Zelda: Just wait until this is over, you still have to pay for your crimes!
Ganon: I'd like to see you try, weakling!
Zelda: Weakling? I didn't get beaten by a fairy boy!
Link: Hey, that's not fair.
Ganon: Yeah, well, I don't have trouble lifting up metal bars when running out of a castle!
Zelda: I don't create wimpy phantoms who are even easier to beat than the first boss of the game!
Ganon: I'm not a cross-dresser who let me into the Sacred Realm by letting a little 10-year-old lead me to it!
Zelda: Sheik is a girl, so I'm not a cross-dresser!
Rauru: We went through this once already.
Ruto: I'm just mad because I'm not in this calling Zelda a bitch.
Link: I didn't lead him to it! I didn't even know who the hell he was until then!
Ruto: *beep beep beep* Do we have to go to another commercial or what???
All: PLEASE NO!!!! WE'LL BE GOOD!!!
Ruto: Better! Anyways, since I didn't tell you your point totals after each game, no one won! But I'll let you all read the credits as yourselves! This is Ruto, saying get out there and R&R!
*Music starts up again and credits start rolling down the screen. of course there aren't very many!*
Zelda: Me!
Link: Me!
Ganon: I, Gannondorf Dragmire.
Zelda: *grumble* full of yourself.
Rauru: Me!
All: *grumble* Ruto.
Zelda: Special appearances by Anju, our musical talent, Saria, and a bunch of other people!
Link: Sorry to: Majora's Mask fans, Dampe, Anju's husband, Nabooru and Malon for having to do that horrible commercial, fans for not really killing off Rauru.
Rauru: hey! I wasn't that bad!
Link: The REAL Whose Line is it anyways for degrading your hilarious show into a little fanfiction with fictional characters, Mr. Shiguru Miyamoto, Nintendo America for not killing Mystic
Ruto: Oh right. thanks.
Mystic: WHAT WAS THAT???
Ruto: Nothing! Nothing!
Link: Fans who have been waiting for this edition, people who hate this story.
Mystic: Actually if you hate it, why are you reading it?
Ganon: Maybe I should continue. Cloud and Elly for not including their commentaries, Zelda fans who haven't seen their favorite character as a performer. by the Goddesses'. how long is this list?
Rauru: Um. thanks to those who have R&R AKA supported the story. Devin, Jameta of the Darkness, The Fierce Deity, Evil Neptune, Dark Zero, Little Cherry Blosson, Song Guy and j_6400 for R&Ring.
Zelda: Exclusive Producer, Director, caterer, animal trainer, prop creator, copyright stealer.
Mystic: That isn't in there and I apologized!
Zelda: and overall author of this fanfiction, Mystic Deity!
*I, of course, take my bow*
Zelda: *grumbles* another one. full of herself.
Mystic: Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other. no.. that's Jerry Springer's lines. Remember: Reviews equal more editions. G'night Everybody!
