Thanks SOOOO much to everyone who reviewed, I know it's been, like, a year, so
feel free to remove my head and roast it on a spit if you want. I firmly understand.
I have no excuse. Do what you will. I know what I'd do to me if I were you....*cringes
in horror*
Oh, and all the bad, baaad jokes are courtesy of Kerri! Please direct all
your rotten fruit in her direction!
*Kerri* I personally happen to think that they are cool....^_^
Chapter 6: Of Stuff and Things!
'Twas a dull day in Imladris. Oh, the sun was shining and the birds were
singing to be sure. It was exquisite, beautiful and ever unchanging. It was
that last
bit that had our heroines in a quandary. Perpetual beauty was all very well
and good, but unless you're an elf, it can get pretty dull. And this is not
to mention
that the girls were accustomed to modern-day America, where everyone was
always rushing around and there was always something going on. Even Colleen
and Kerri
who could be completely happy reading books for the rest of their lives were
itching for something to do.
The girls were sitting around their closet room, apathetically dyeing Lord
Elrond's
nightclothes urple. April spoke up, voicing the feelings of them all.
"
This is boring. I'm bored." she tossed the fabric from her vehemently
and stood up. Kerri sighed and put hers aside as well.
Marcie and Colleen had
long
ago given up the exercise as boring and pointless and not as much fun as
staring at the wall blankly.
"
Soooooo," Kerri began, "Whatcha wanna do?"
"
Something evil..." Colleen voiced listlessly.
"
Mmmm...." murmured Kerri.
"
Such as?" pursued April.
"
Ummm..." Colleen's brows furrowed in thought. She absently brushed her long
dark hair from her face as she struggled to come up with something to entertain
them. "We could switch the salt and the sugar," she suggested lamely.
"
Been there, done that," Kerri informed her.
" Ack, I know. But...well...we could put tacks or glue on everyone's chairs
again..."
"
Done that already....so many times" Marcie sighed, scrubbing urple dye
from her hands.
"
Geez, shoot me down why don't you?" Colleen raised her hand in a dismissive
gesture as her friends opened their mouths to protest. "Hey!
I know! We can put chalk in all their erasers!"
"
Someone's stuck in the third grade," April grinned, "Do they even
have erasers or chalk in Middle Earth?"
" They do if I say they do! Everything I say happens!
I'm special like that"
"
*Coughauthorcough*" Marcie exclaimed
Colleen glanced at her suspiciously, as though she hadn't quite heard what
Marcie had said. Marcie smiled and stared at her. After about three minutes
of the silent staring contest, Kerri broke in.
" We could play a game..."
"
Like what?" April wanted to know.
"
Umm...." Marcie thought for a moment, "I dunno, tag, capture the
flag, poker, Egyptian rat screw, hid the object, ring around the rosy-" she
paused, "Oky, maybe not ring around the rosy, but there's go fish and
spit and bull shit and..." she paused when she noticed the evil glint
that had appeared in Colleen's eyes. "What?"
Colleen however, merely grinned wider.
"
What? What? That look means you have a plan!" April exclaimed.
Marcie rounded on Kerri, who was staring at the smiling girl, "Kerrriii!
You share her brain! What's she thinking?"
Colleen turned to Kerri, chuckled snidely and made a few hand
gestures. It was all foreign to the other two girls, but Kerri
suddenly began
to smirk and
rub her hands together in anticipation.
"
How do they do that?" April muttered.
"
Wavelength!" the girls replied in unison.
"
You'll see," Colleen spoke up, heaving herself to her feet, "Follow
me!"
***
That same evening, the same girls were huddled outside a
closed door, doing their best to be inconspicuous. Kerri's
hand was
reaching for
the doorknob
when April suddenly shifted position, and gripped Kerri's
wrist.
"
I don't know about this guys, I mean, I've been following Frodo since the Shire," she
could not help but get slightly dreamy eyed, "and
this ring is really powerful. I don't think we should be
playing around with it."
"
Yeah..." Colleen muttered, suddenly unsure, "I mean, I dunno if
my first aid kit covers attacks by all powerful bits of jewelry...."
"
Eh, who cares?" Kerri exclaimed, patting her replica Sting where it lay
at her hip, "Only the good die young!"
Colleen resisted the urge to break into song murmuring, "Yeah, well,
you'll be living forever then..."
Marcie grinned, and slid the door open, and the girls
slipped inside. They formed along Frodo's bed, where
the young
hobbit slept soundly,
showing
no signs of waking. They could all see the ring where
it gleamed, resting upon
his chest. In the darkness, it seemed to pulse golden,
exuding power. A shiver ran down Aprils' spine, and
Colleen caught
her breath in
her throat.
Marcie
stared, and Kerri gripped her sword.
"
Shut up!" Kerri whispered harshly and the rest of the girls suddenly
noticed the soft sibilant hissing that seemed to
be penetrating their skulls. It stopped,
but reluctantly.
Colleen swallowed hard, "Ok, now how do we want to go about doing this?"
"
Very carefully," Marcie murmured.
"
Ok, before you do anything, I'd like to make it known that if this all goes
horribly wrong I can say that I was against it from the start and thereby be
absolved of any and all blame!" April muttered fiercely.
" Ack! I agree...but since we're here anyway, shall we proceed gentlemen?"
"
Actually," Kerri interrupted, "Last time I checked we were neither
gentle nor men..."
" Shush you, I'll take none of your guff!"
April motioned to them to be quiet with a quick chopping motion. "I can't
believe Frodo hasn't woken up yet! He's usually a very light sleeper..."
"
And you know this, how?" Marcie questioned. April merely blushed in
reply causing a few raised eyebrows and numerous giggles.
"
Don't worry," Colleen cautioned, "I may not be omniscient, but
I don't think he'll wake up,"
Marcie coughed something that sounded
suspiciously like "author" but
Colleen apparently didn't notice. Reaching forward, Marcie deftly slipped the
chain with the ring on it from Frodo's neck. "This is going to be fun..."
***
Gandalf was relaxing, contentedly smoking
his pipe weed in the room he had grown
accustomed to using
during his
stays
in Imaldris.
It
was decorated
in
the fashion of the elves, but as the
dawn sun
peeked through the curtains, the interior
could be seen
to contain many
items that
smacked of wizard.
As he stretched in his chair, enjoying
the morning, a feeling of intense foreboding
came suddenly to Gandalf. Suddenly
alert, he looked about and saw not
threat. He
had
just
attributed
his feeling
to unease
over the
upcoming
journey
when Frodo burst through his door looking
intensely distraught. The hobbit was
disheveled, as though he had just come
from bed, and
his
wild curls stood up in every direction.
Setting his
pipe down,
Gandalf strode
towards
Frodo.
" Frodo, my boy, what is wrong?"
Frodo opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, gaping like a fish at
the sight of Gandalf. "Erm, Gandalf..." his
mouth dried up in awe and he spoke
no more.
Gandalf gave Frodo a piercing look,
as if he were mad, but soon caught
a glimpse
of
himself
in his
mirror.
He was wearing
a flowing
white
dressing gown, complete
with night cap. His beard was tied
at the bottom with a little bow, and
knobby
knees
jutted
from under the
gowns
hem, seeming
huge on
the otherwise
skinny
legs. He looked for the entire world,
or so the girls, hiding in the rafters
thought,
like
Ebenezer
Scrooge
from A Christmas
Carol.
Realizing
that Frodo
was staring, he hurriedly snatched
the long pointed cap from his head,
and hid
it behind
his back
with one hand.
" Now, what do you want, Frodo?"
Frodo recovered himself admirably, before wailing "Gaaaaandaaaaaaalf!"
" What is it?"
" The ring is gone!"
Gandalf's eyebrows launched themselves clear into orbit as he became suddenly
animated. He instantly stood straighter,
and his staff was suddenly in his hand. He no longer looked the part
of Scrooge, and his gown
no
longer seemed so ridiculous. It billowed around
him like an angry
cloud, and a feeling of
power seemed to hover in the very
air. From their high
vantage point, the
girls were suddenly quite frightened.
Perhaps the
idea hadn't been such a
good one...for
all his jokes and fireworks, Gandalf
was no one to be trifled with.
Picking up his pipe, he took a long drag, and the power in the
room no long crackled quite so
violently. "Now, Frodo," he began in a voice that
was deadly quiet, "Why don't you tell me exactly what happened."
"
Err, um..." Frodo too, was understandably unnerved, "Well, last
night, after the meal, Gimli
talked me into having a few rounds of those...spirits, and it was great fun,
and, well, I don't really remember much after that...but
when I woke up, the ring was gone!"
"
Gimli had you drinking dwarven spirits?!" Gandalf passed a weary looking
hand over his eyes. "Oh dear. Oh dear indeed." his tone became very
serious again, "Did you have it when you went to bed?"
" Um...I...think so..."
" You think?"
" Erm...well..."
" Oh dear,"
***
All of Rivendell was in a bustle. Well, as close to elves ever got to bustling.
The entire place was being
methodically inspected for any sign of the ring. Discreetly of course.
It
wouldn't due for everyone to know that
the ring
was once again lost. Well,
the word they were using was 'misplaced' but we all
know that you only use the
word 'misplaced' when you've
lost something, but can't bear to admit that
you've lost it. Yeah. Gandalf was supervising, with
a stern _expression. Frodo
meanwhile, was cowering in a
corner,
trying desperately to remember the
events of the previous night.
"
Awww!" April moaned from the rafters where the girls were perched, "You
guys! Look! We've made Frodo
all sad!"
Colleen shook her head, marveling
at the effect of hormones.
She shuddered. Kerri,
who knew
what she
was thinking,
jabbed her in
the ribs with
an elbow. "Just
wait till we meet Faramir!" she hissed, "Then you'll be just as mushy
and foolish as the rest of us!" Colleen
sniffed in disdain, but could
not keep the starry look from her eyes. Kerri nodded smugly.
Just then, Gandalf looked up
sharply. The rafters were high
above the
room, and relatively
dark,
but the girls
knew at
once they'd
been spotted.
Colleen
scrambled in her bag for the
neuralizer (flashy thing).
She began muttering
Dwavish curses,
and fumbled frantically.
Kerri, Marcie,
and April were
doing their best to stop existing,
but it wasn't working. Kerri,
being rather
less
than graceful, happened to
choose that exact moment to lose
her balance and tumble to the
floor.
She lay there for a moment, stunned
and breathing shallowly. The
other three
girls watched
in horror as time seemed
to slow to a
crawl. Frodo
leapt up startled,
the various elves had weapons
in hand and pointed at Kerri's
heart,
throat
and other
vital area's
before an eye could
blink, and Gandalf
had his
staff extended, pointed at
Kerri's head.
"
Who are you?" Gandalf spat viciously, eyes intent upon Kerri's face.
Kerri herself blinked several times in fear and confusion. In a stutter
that didn't need to be feigned
she finally whispered, "P...please, S...sir,
don't turn me into anythin'....unnatural..."
Gandalf blinked in momentary
confusion, and it was enough
time for Colleen
to activate the neuralizer.
A silver
flash blinded
the room
and suddenly
Colleen, Marcie, and April
were on the ground
in their sunglasses.
"
You were all searching for the ring-" Marcie began, when she noticed that
Gandalf had raised his staff and was appraising them as he would an enemy.
In other words, he was not staring blankly into her face like the rest of the
room's occupants, including
Kerri. Colleen and April quickly
noticed this as well, and began
to whisper loudly.
"
It didn't work! It didn't work! I knew this was a bad idea!" Colleen
was panicking.
"
It was your idea!" April accused.
"
Well, maybe it's cause he's not human!" Marcie called.
"
But neither are the aliens the MIB uses it on..." April countered.
" Ack! I don't think it-"
"
SILENCE!" Gandalf cried. He drew himself up and the room suddenly seemed
smaller and darker. April could
almost swear she saw storm clouds forming on the ceiling.
"
Ahhh!" Colleen cried pressing the button on the neuralizer over and
over.
Several flashes filled the room
and when the blasts cleared,
the girls
were left
blinking spots from
their eyes. But
Gandalf was
staring at
them as blankly
as the rest.
"
Thank God!" Colleen murmured fervently, "Ok! Listen up! Frodo never
lost the ring! You're not looking for it! You're just standing around
chatting! Kerri was never here! April, Marcie and I were never here!" with
this she pulled the ring from underneath her shirt and strode to Frodo. She
paused their, with it dangling from her hand for a long moment. So long that
Marcie finally cried "C'leena!"
"
Ack! I know" Placing the ring around Frodo's neck, she whirled and strode
from the room quickly. Marcie and April grabbed Kerri and followed soon after.
"
Where are we going?" April gasped when the finally caught up.
" To flashy thing everyone in Rivendell! This was a very bad idea! I'm sooo
not having it go on my charge sheet!"
Marcie, April and Kerri allowed themselves
to fall slightly behind. "What's
with her?" Marcie wondered aloud.
"
Well, the PPC has been pretty ruthless lately; I think that's what she means
by 'charge list'. And there's this new great fic, Suedom where real people
are getting stuck in Mary Sues and killed, and we're Mary Sues cause we can
speak Elvish, and use weapons and we're totally screwing with canon and stuff...and
she's probably feeling guilty about being a Mary Sue cause she hates them,
and she doesn't really think this is very funny any more, and she thinks we're
all flat characters w/ the same personality except for the different obsessions
and it doesn't matter to us because we all know us, but for all those people
who don't know us it's a problem, and her instincts to write serious fics are
totally conflicting with this kinda stupid humor thing..............but that's
just a hunch. She could totally have eaten some bad pizza or something." Kerri
shrugged and kept walking, leaving a stunned Marcie and April in her wake.
*-*-*
" Fish"
" Phish"
" Posh"
" Puss"
" Pass"
"
Sass.....ok, we can stop now, time's up," the voice announced.
" What do you mean, times up?"
" Well, it's been nearly two months, and C'leena and the rest of them should
be leavings soon, which means that we ought to-"
" WHAT???"
" I'm sorry, what part of that sentence did you fail to understand?"
"
Maybe the part about it being two months???" Jeremiah gasped.
" What? You really wanted to walk around and catch rabbits and stuff? Dur...stupid
hobbit!"
Jeremiah abruptly slid off the
rock he was seated upon, outside
the invisible
RFD2.
He was torn
between screaming
and weeping.
Confusion
was not supposed
to hurt this much. Emotions
flashed in
and out of his mind in a whirlwind.
Anger at
Colleen, anger at the
voice, confusion,
frustration,
disbelief,
denial, despair...
"
Try putting your head between your knees, it'll make you feel better!" Voice
piped up helpfully.
Jeremiah glanced around dubiously,
but complied. After a few moments
he could
be heard to
complain softly, "I think
all the blood is in my brain
now...I
feel funny..."
" You look funny,"
" Shuddup! Stupid voice...what do you know anyway?"
" More than you! I can see the Words!"
"
What?" Jeremiah was becoming confused again.
"
Nevermind, Hey! Wanna hear a clean joke?" Without waiting for an answer
Voice continued, "Wanna
hear a clean joke? Suzy took
a bath with bubbles. Wanna
hear a dirty joke? Bubbles
is the boy next door! Bada
bing!"
Jeremiah looked up incredulously. "Are you serious?"
" What, you can do better?"
" A quadriplegic orangutan with cerebral palsy, and a speech impediment
could do better,"
" OoOoO! I'm hurt! Try it!"
"
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the guy behind the counter a few nails and
says, 'Hey, can you put me up for the night?'" Jeremiah spouted triumphantly.
Voice could be heard to snort, "Ha! What style of art was preferred
by the Third Reich? Post-Imprussianist!"
" Oooh, nice. How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? Play
the piano until you find the right key."
"
C'mon! I could go on for hours! What kind of floor do dinosaur's bathrooms
have? Rep-tiles." Voice answered herself.
" So could I! What do you get when you mix a mouse with some laundry detergent?
Squeaky clean clothes!"
" Yeah, well, why don't sharks eat clowns? Cuz they taste funny!"
" What did one plate say to another? Lunch is on me!"
" What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? I didn't
do it on porpoise!"
"
That was sooo a Gloucester joke! You're so from Gloucester!" Jeremiah
accused the voice.
" Just 'cause I know a joke about ocean going creatures, doesn't make me
from Fishtown, shrimp! Besides,
how do you know I'm not just you're subconscious or something?"
" Because I wouldn't be so mean to me!"
" Right. Hey, this is one of my favorites. What do you get when you take
a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?"
" Errr..."
"
Cow pi!" Voice announced jubilantly.
" Oy....stupid voice...."
" Watch who you're calling stupid, hobbit!"
" Hobbit?? Wait......YOU'RE TARA!!!!!"
Tara's laughter echoed throughout the Trollshaws.
" Oh boy. Now I'm in trouble much!"
