'Can you see
Frozen to myself
I get nobody on my side
Surely that ain't right'
It's almost daylight on the third day when they check into the hotel. It isn't much and Spike tells her that it isn't for long, just until he calls in a favor about an apartment. She just nods and goes to take a shower.
Much later that night, when she lies in the crook of his arms, his fingers tracing patterns on her back through her thin cotton tank top, he begins to ask her the questions, "What happenned to Angel, love?"
Buffy stiffens then shoots back, "What happenned to Drusilla?"
Spike draws in an unneeded breath and for a moment she thinks that he's going to yell at her, or drop the subject, or turn away. But he doesn't, "She headed towards Brazil."
"Oh."
They sit in silence for a while longer and the only interruption is they steady beat of her heart. His chest moves up and down against her back on ingrained reflex. She kisses his chest, and then the hollow of his neck. Her lips pass across his eyelids and his cheek and his mouth. The kisses are tender and full of sadness. Close your eyes, she thinks the words and her her eyes sting. She pulls away from him and her hands are trembling, "I killed him."
He doesn't answer. He knows that there's nothing he can tell her to make that all right. It's a permanent scar. He just holds her as she shakes in his arms. He's torn between feeling happiness at his sire's demise and sympathy for the young woman in his arms. She nuzzles him and then, without warning, she begins to speak, "There was nothing else to do. He'd already opened the portal and -- and I couldn't just turn my back on the world for him. Especially since he'd caused it. So, so I did it. I -- I told him to close his eyes. I kissed him. I told him, I told him that I loved him. And then I ran the sword through him."
She pauses and he tightens his hold on her, silently encouraging her to talk. The silence stretches on, seconds passing that seemed like hours, "I think the worst part was the way he looked at me, y'know? His eyes ... And -- and he didn't even know."
And then she was in his arms and the tears were falling and staining the smooth skin of his chest and slipping into his open mouth. She hears him whispering her name and his hand strokes the back of her head. She begins to calm down and he pulls her up to him and kisses her on the mouth, his tongue brushing gently against her lips.
She melts into him as the guilt lifts and she becomes lost in the paths of his body. The way his fingers trace the nerves of her skin mesmerizes her. The things he whispers things that get lost in the shadows of the dinky hotel room are haunting.
[ c e n s o r e d ] They whisper sweet nothing's into each other's skin and she feels herself slipping way from the world once more, losing herself in the depths of Spike's eyes. She kisses the faded bite marks on his neck, kisses his mouth and his hair and his chest. Her nails scratch his stomach and he moans her name, shudders against her [ c e n s o r e d ] She screams his name and he answers.
'Surely that ain't right'
"Somehow I don't think that how you planned for that to end."
He smiles at her, and it's the first real smile either one of them has had since May. She can't help but smile back.
"Not quite what I was planning, love, but I'm not one to complain."
His voice sends shudders down her body, and she remembers how it had been an hour ago, soft and hard all at once. Buffy nods her silent agreement and continues to trace patterns on his stomach with her fingers. His hand brushes the hair away from her face and drapes it over her neck. Buffy sighs and presses a quick kiss to the palm of his hand, "I never really thought it would be like this."
"Never thought what would be like this, pet?"
She moved her hands from his stomach long enough to make air quotations, "The Morning After."
He laughs, "Well, I've definitly had some where I was happy to have my parts still intact."
Buffy blushes a little and he lets out another chuckle, his fingers tracing a delicate path up and down her spine.
They sit there for a while longer, each enjoying the other's silence, each reflecting on how far they've come together and what they left behind. Buffy sighs and moves next him, pulling the sheets tighter around them.
"I need to go out, pet."
The words hit her like a ton of bricks and she doesn't answer, she just continues to play with the fine hair at the back of his neck. He sighs and then pulls away from the bed and gets dressed slowly. She watches him without really seeing him. He moves back to the bed and presses a kiss to her forehead. Her hands wrap around his neck and she pulls him closer, she whispers a plea against his mouth for him to stay.
Spike sighs and shakes his head, "I have to eat, pet."
She turns away from him then, bare shoulders squaring, "But you don't have to kill."
He considers that for a moment while he watches her. Eventually she turns back to face him and it brooks no argument. He knows that either he gives in on this or he leaves. At the thought of leaving her a familiar pang shoots through him and a growl builds low in his throat. He was back on top of her before either could register what was happenning. His hands pin her wrists to the mattress while he kisses her savagely. Finally, he pulls away, letting her come up for air. He nods his assent and she manages a small smile.
He was gone before she could say anything else.
'How can it feel this wrong
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong'
Frozen to myself
I get nobody on my side
Surely that ain't right'
It's almost daylight on the third day when they check into the hotel. It isn't much and Spike tells her that it isn't for long, just until he calls in a favor about an apartment. She just nods and goes to take a shower.
Much later that night, when she lies in the crook of his arms, his fingers tracing patterns on her back through her thin cotton tank top, he begins to ask her the questions, "What happenned to Angel, love?"
Buffy stiffens then shoots back, "What happenned to Drusilla?"
Spike draws in an unneeded breath and for a moment she thinks that he's going to yell at her, or drop the subject, or turn away. But he doesn't, "She headed towards Brazil."
"Oh."
They sit in silence for a while longer and the only interruption is they steady beat of her heart. His chest moves up and down against her back on ingrained reflex. She kisses his chest, and then the hollow of his neck. Her lips pass across his eyelids and his cheek and his mouth. The kisses are tender and full of sadness. Close your eyes, she thinks the words and her her eyes sting. She pulls away from him and her hands are trembling, "I killed him."
He doesn't answer. He knows that there's nothing he can tell her to make that all right. It's a permanent scar. He just holds her as she shakes in his arms. He's torn between feeling happiness at his sire's demise and sympathy for the young woman in his arms. She nuzzles him and then, without warning, she begins to speak, "There was nothing else to do. He'd already opened the portal and -- and I couldn't just turn my back on the world for him. Especially since he'd caused it. So, so I did it. I -- I told him to close his eyes. I kissed him. I told him, I told him that I loved him. And then I ran the sword through him."
She pauses and he tightens his hold on her, silently encouraging her to talk. The silence stretches on, seconds passing that seemed like hours, "I think the worst part was the way he looked at me, y'know? His eyes ... And -- and he didn't even know."
And then she was in his arms and the tears were falling and staining the smooth skin of his chest and slipping into his open mouth. She hears him whispering her name and his hand strokes the back of her head. She begins to calm down and he pulls her up to him and kisses her on the mouth, his tongue brushing gently against her lips.
She melts into him as the guilt lifts and she becomes lost in the paths of his body. The way his fingers trace the nerves of her skin mesmerizes her. The things he whispers things that get lost in the shadows of the dinky hotel room are haunting.
[ c e n s o r e d ] They whisper sweet nothing's into each other's skin and she feels herself slipping way from the world once more, losing herself in the depths of Spike's eyes. She kisses the faded bite marks on his neck, kisses his mouth and his hair and his chest. Her nails scratch his stomach and he moans her name, shudders against her [ c e n s o r e d ] She screams his name and he answers.
'Surely that ain't right'
"Somehow I don't think that how you planned for that to end."
He smiles at her, and it's the first real smile either one of them has had since May. She can't help but smile back.
"Not quite what I was planning, love, but I'm not one to complain."
His voice sends shudders down her body, and she remembers how it had been an hour ago, soft and hard all at once. Buffy nods her silent agreement and continues to trace patterns on his stomach with her fingers. His hand brushes the hair away from her face and drapes it over her neck. Buffy sighs and presses a quick kiss to the palm of his hand, "I never really thought it would be like this."
"Never thought what would be like this, pet?"
She moved her hands from his stomach long enough to make air quotations, "The Morning After."
He laughs, "Well, I've definitly had some where I was happy to have my parts still intact."
Buffy blushes a little and he lets out another chuckle, his fingers tracing a delicate path up and down her spine.
They sit there for a while longer, each enjoying the other's silence, each reflecting on how far they've come together and what they left behind. Buffy sighs and moves next him, pulling the sheets tighter around them.
"I need to go out, pet."
The words hit her like a ton of bricks and she doesn't answer, she just continues to play with the fine hair at the back of his neck. He sighs and then pulls away from the bed and gets dressed slowly. She watches him without really seeing him. He moves back to the bed and presses a kiss to her forehead. Her hands wrap around his neck and she pulls him closer, she whispers a plea against his mouth for him to stay.
Spike sighs and shakes his head, "I have to eat, pet."
She turns away from him then, bare shoulders squaring, "But you don't have to kill."
He considers that for a moment while he watches her. Eventually she turns back to face him and it brooks no argument. He knows that either he gives in on this or he leaves. At the thought of leaving her a familiar pang shoots through him and a growl builds low in his throat. He was back on top of her before either could register what was happenning. His hands pin her wrists to the mattress while he kisses her savagely. Finally, he pulls away, letting her come up for air. He nods his assent and she manages a small smile.
He was gone before she could say anything else.
'How can it feel this wrong
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong'
