THE LORD OF THE DISC
Disclaimer - I am not Terry Pratchett or JRR Tolkien, or even related to either of them. Obviously I own nothing in these stories..except this disclaimer!And if anyone steals my idea to have a disclaimer at the start of my story I`LL SUE YOUR FRICKIN` PANTS OFF!Hahahahaha!
AN : It is reccomended you have read LotR before you read this.You may still be able to follow it if you haven't, as the Discworld half will be larger..but it is still heartily reccomended.
PROLOGUE
The door of the shop banged open, and the shopkeeper looked over the counter.
"What the?" No one was there. "Must've been the bloody wind, I guess"
He stood slowly up, to the sound of snapping joints and walked to the door, tripping over something at thigh level
"Ow!"
"Ow!"
"What the - who are you?"
"Frodo Baggins esq," the little creature said "Oh, bugger!I mean Underwater!No, er, Underknoll.Underhill, that's it!"
The shopkeeper sighed.Bloody hobbits.He ALWAYS forgot about the hobbits when he came to Middle Earth.They were a dull race, not really very memorable.not like the Munchkins.The shopkeeper shuddered.Oz still haunted his nightmares.
"What brings you here Mr Baggins?" the shopkeep asked
"Not Baggins!"
The shopkeep gave a resigned sigh "What do you want, mysterious stranger?"
"That`s better!I wanted to pawn something"
"Oh really, well let's see it then!"
The shopkeeper walked around to behind his counter and got ready a mignifying glass, while Baggins pulled out a golden ring on a silver chain from around his neck and laid it down onto the counter.
"A ring, eh?" there wasn't much mirth in the shopkeep`s voice "I dunno, I got plenty o rings already, an` you've got to admit, it isn't a very fancy one!"
"Not very fancy?It's pure gold!And virtually indestructible!"
"If it's virtually indestructable, than it can't be pure gold, can it?Everyone knows the more gold the weaker the metal!If it`s as strong as you say, then it`s probably Fool`s Gold!"
"It is pure gold!"
"Then it isn't indestructible!"
"Yes it is!Not even the breath of the feared dragon Ancalagon the Black would melt it!"
"Oh, found that out first-hand, did you?"
"Well.no."
The shopkeep grinned "VERY impressive!"
"Oh come on, it must be worth something!"
A slight pause "Half a dollar"
"What?"
"Sorry, but it's got no jewels, no inscription.this ain`t a charity you know!"
"Aha!There is an inscription!Throw into a fire!"
Raising an eyebrow, and wondering what pipeweed Mr Baggins had been sampling, the shopkeep latched a pair of heavy iron tongs onto the ring and held thrust it into his fire.
"Pull it out now!" ordered Baggins after a brief moment
The shopkeep did so, and after a moment crimson writing wrapped itself around the golden band, illuminating the entire shop.Then, as quickly as it begun, it stopped.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed the shopkeep "THAT'S more like it!You got any more of these?"
"Nope, one of a kind"
"Shame, these things'd make good novelties.Perfect for birthday parties.Ten dollars."
As so often happens in times like this, Baggins was in two minds about it.He sold the ring, the whole adventure would be over, and he might never know if it was destroyed.On the other hand, was it worth going through all the trouble?Trekking across Middle Earth, risking life and limb.Naturally, this was a time when two opposite things happened.to the same person.in a phenomenon called the Trousers of Time.
One Frodo Baggins changed his mind at the last minute and kept the ring.His story is detailed elsewhere.But the other Frodo Baggins handed it over and pocketed the gold before leaving.
The latter Baggins walked outside the shop and stood beside a tall cloaked figure.The two of them watched the Wandering Shop dematerialise and vanish, leaving a tiny, vacant lot.
"Have I done the right thing, Strider?" asked Baggins
"Beats me.Let`s go to the pub."
The strange pair walked back down the street to the Prancing Pony
"Are you sure the Ring won't bother anyone here again?" aked Baggins, a tad worried
"Certain.Those Wandering Shops travel to an infinite number of universes.It'll be years, decades, maybe, before it ends up back here.In that time someone is bound to buy it!"
"And then what will happen?"
"Do I look like Gandalf to you or something?I have no damned idea.For Eru`s sake you just freed the world from the greatest evil it`s ever known!Party time!"
And three months later, the Wandering Shop apparated in the City of Ahnk-Morpork, the largest (And foulest) city in the universe.It appeared on a small corner on Gleam Street, cracked and covered in moss, with cobwebs hanging off the gutter.No one would have guessed it had only been there five hours.
Just then, the street erupted in a mass of noise.Yells, shouts, and general curses filled the air, a few arrows bounced off the cobblestones.Around the corner came a fairly young shallow-faced manned who was running very, very quickly.He wore tattered old robes, and an even worse hat.The hat was a sad imitation of a wizards hat, only recognisable as one because it actually had the word "WIZZARD" crudely scrawled on it.
The man was Rincewind, apprentice wizard (of sorts) and a person so yellow bellied he could disguise himself as a canary without a costume.He quickly skidded to a halt, noticing the shop on the corner, and then darted through the door.
He knew a Wandering Shop when he saw one.
"Good day, sir" said the shopkeep "What can I do for you?"
"You can hightail this baby to another plain of reality.and bloody fast!"
The man frowned "I'm not meant to abuse my powers, you know.I can lose the shop if management finds I've been helping fugitives.Didn't your hear about old Saul and that Jack the Ripper fella?"
"Pleeeease, there's a huge crowd coming to kill me!"
"What'd you do?"
"Oh.this and that"
"Weeeell, I suppose I can help."
"Yes!"
"IF you buy something, o`course!"
"Alright, alright!"
Rincewinds eyes darted about him, looking for the nearest cheap- looking item.He saw a plain gold ring with a silver chain.Perfect!He snatched it from the shelf and slammed it onto the counter.
"There it is now go, go, go!"
"Alright, alright, don't rush me.."
As Rincewind bought the Ring, up in the realm of Dunmanifestin, Blind Io sighed resignedly.
"Fate, is this your doing?"
Fate shrugged "It might be"
"Why?"
Fate's empty black eyes, somehow, were smouldering "The Lady has used him to thwart me too many times.The very sight of him sickens me.And he should be dead! No one can cheat Fate!"
"Obfioufly fomeone can!" sneered Offler through his fangs
Fate narrowed his eyes "Not for long.HE-WILL-DIE!" he near screamed, stressing every word "The Ring is the greatest thing that has ever dawned on Our World!It shall force that fool into a quest.and that quest shall claim his life!"
Blind Io sighed.He couldn't stand it when Fate got melodramatic "You do realise I will have to inform the Lady?"
Fate grinned "Wonderful!I wouldn't have it any other way, friend!She will NOT defy me again."
Io smiled.When the Lady and Fate played so, it was entertainment not to be missed.
Even if cleaning up the world afterwards was quite a chore..
Disclaimer - I am not Terry Pratchett or JRR Tolkien, or even related to either of them. Obviously I own nothing in these stories..except this disclaimer!And if anyone steals my idea to have a disclaimer at the start of my story I`LL SUE YOUR FRICKIN` PANTS OFF!Hahahahaha!
AN : It is reccomended you have read LotR before you read this.You may still be able to follow it if you haven't, as the Discworld half will be larger..but it is still heartily reccomended.
PROLOGUE
The door of the shop banged open, and the shopkeeper looked over the counter.
"What the?" No one was there. "Must've been the bloody wind, I guess"
He stood slowly up, to the sound of snapping joints and walked to the door, tripping over something at thigh level
"Ow!"
"Ow!"
"What the - who are you?"
"Frodo Baggins esq," the little creature said "Oh, bugger!I mean Underwater!No, er, Underknoll.Underhill, that's it!"
The shopkeeper sighed.Bloody hobbits.He ALWAYS forgot about the hobbits when he came to Middle Earth.They were a dull race, not really very memorable.not like the Munchkins.The shopkeeper shuddered.Oz still haunted his nightmares.
"What brings you here Mr Baggins?" the shopkeep asked
"Not Baggins!"
The shopkeep gave a resigned sigh "What do you want, mysterious stranger?"
"That`s better!I wanted to pawn something"
"Oh really, well let's see it then!"
The shopkeeper walked around to behind his counter and got ready a mignifying glass, while Baggins pulled out a golden ring on a silver chain from around his neck and laid it down onto the counter.
"A ring, eh?" there wasn't much mirth in the shopkeep`s voice "I dunno, I got plenty o rings already, an` you've got to admit, it isn't a very fancy one!"
"Not very fancy?It's pure gold!And virtually indestructible!"
"If it's virtually indestructable, than it can't be pure gold, can it?Everyone knows the more gold the weaker the metal!If it`s as strong as you say, then it`s probably Fool`s Gold!"
"It is pure gold!"
"Then it isn't indestructible!"
"Yes it is!Not even the breath of the feared dragon Ancalagon the Black would melt it!"
"Oh, found that out first-hand, did you?"
"Well.no."
The shopkeep grinned "VERY impressive!"
"Oh come on, it must be worth something!"
A slight pause "Half a dollar"
"What?"
"Sorry, but it's got no jewels, no inscription.this ain`t a charity you know!"
"Aha!There is an inscription!Throw into a fire!"
Raising an eyebrow, and wondering what pipeweed Mr Baggins had been sampling, the shopkeep latched a pair of heavy iron tongs onto the ring and held thrust it into his fire.
"Pull it out now!" ordered Baggins after a brief moment
The shopkeep did so, and after a moment crimson writing wrapped itself around the golden band, illuminating the entire shop.Then, as quickly as it begun, it stopped.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed the shopkeep "THAT'S more like it!You got any more of these?"
"Nope, one of a kind"
"Shame, these things'd make good novelties.Perfect for birthday parties.Ten dollars."
As so often happens in times like this, Baggins was in two minds about it.He sold the ring, the whole adventure would be over, and he might never know if it was destroyed.On the other hand, was it worth going through all the trouble?Trekking across Middle Earth, risking life and limb.Naturally, this was a time when two opposite things happened.to the same person.in a phenomenon called the Trousers of Time.
One Frodo Baggins changed his mind at the last minute and kept the ring.His story is detailed elsewhere.But the other Frodo Baggins handed it over and pocketed the gold before leaving.
The latter Baggins walked outside the shop and stood beside a tall cloaked figure.The two of them watched the Wandering Shop dematerialise and vanish, leaving a tiny, vacant lot.
"Have I done the right thing, Strider?" asked Baggins
"Beats me.Let`s go to the pub."
The strange pair walked back down the street to the Prancing Pony
"Are you sure the Ring won't bother anyone here again?" aked Baggins, a tad worried
"Certain.Those Wandering Shops travel to an infinite number of universes.It'll be years, decades, maybe, before it ends up back here.In that time someone is bound to buy it!"
"And then what will happen?"
"Do I look like Gandalf to you or something?I have no damned idea.For Eru`s sake you just freed the world from the greatest evil it`s ever known!Party time!"
And three months later, the Wandering Shop apparated in the City of Ahnk-Morpork, the largest (And foulest) city in the universe.It appeared on a small corner on Gleam Street, cracked and covered in moss, with cobwebs hanging off the gutter.No one would have guessed it had only been there five hours.
Just then, the street erupted in a mass of noise.Yells, shouts, and general curses filled the air, a few arrows bounced off the cobblestones.Around the corner came a fairly young shallow-faced manned who was running very, very quickly.He wore tattered old robes, and an even worse hat.The hat was a sad imitation of a wizards hat, only recognisable as one because it actually had the word "WIZZARD" crudely scrawled on it.
The man was Rincewind, apprentice wizard (of sorts) and a person so yellow bellied he could disguise himself as a canary without a costume.He quickly skidded to a halt, noticing the shop on the corner, and then darted through the door.
He knew a Wandering Shop when he saw one.
"Good day, sir" said the shopkeep "What can I do for you?"
"You can hightail this baby to another plain of reality.and bloody fast!"
The man frowned "I'm not meant to abuse my powers, you know.I can lose the shop if management finds I've been helping fugitives.Didn't your hear about old Saul and that Jack the Ripper fella?"
"Pleeeease, there's a huge crowd coming to kill me!"
"What'd you do?"
"Oh.this and that"
"Weeeell, I suppose I can help."
"Yes!"
"IF you buy something, o`course!"
"Alright, alright!"
Rincewinds eyes darted about him, looking for the nearest cheap- looking item.He saw a plain gold ring with a silver chain.Perfect!He snatched it from the shelf and slammed it onto the counter.
"There it is now go, go, go!"
"Alright, alright, don't rush me.."
As Rincewind bought the Ring, up in the realm of Dunmanifestin, Blind Io sighed resignedly.
"Fate, is this your doing?"
Fate shrugged "It might be"
"Why?"
Fate's empty black eyes, somehow, were smouldering "The Lady has used him to thwart me too many times.The very sight of him sickens me.And he should be dead! No one can cheat Fate!"
"Obfioufly fomeone can!" sneered Offler through his fangs
Fate narrowed his eyes "Not for long.HE-WILL-DIE!" he near screamed, stressing every word "The Ring is the greatest thing that has ever dawned on Our World!It shall force that fool into a quest.and that quest shall claim his life!"
Blind Io sighed.He couldn't stand it when Fate got melodramatic "You do realise I will have to inform the Lady?"
Fate grinned "Wonderful!I wouldn't have it any other way, friend!She will NOT defy me again."
Io smiled.When the Lady and Fate played so, it was entertainment not to be missed.
Even if cleaning up the world afterwards was quite a chore..
