Chapter Three

Hold On

Need to know if you're letting go

It's alright

Didn't know I was hurting you so

It's alright

"I'd like to talk about your home life today, Ken."

Ah yes, well you may want to Akari-san, but I am certainly not going to divulge to you information about the only people that keep me sane.

"Are you living alone right now?"

"No." Keep the questions simple and everything will be okay. I don't enjoy lying, despite the fact I lie to Daisuke everyday when he asks me if I'm alright, but I still don't like it. So I don't really want to do it to you too. You look at me above your thin frameless glasses. Are they new? I haven't seen you wearing them before.

"Who do you live with?"

"Daisuke."

". . .You haven't mentioned him before." You scan your notes in surprise. Why be so astonished? You never asked. Besides, I don't want you knowing about Daisuke. He's mine. You can't have him, Akari-san. I won't let you. "Would you like to tell me about him?"

"No."

"Please tell me Ken, I'm very interested." Oh I know you are. Your pen hand is quivering slightly. I want you to shut up now Akari-san. This is dangerous territory. "If you won't talk to me, I may have to talk to him myself." Don't threaten me. "Will you bring him to our next session?"

. . .I reach a compromise. I'll bring him, but I won't say anything else today. I fold my arms and glare at you, and watch you wilt under the intensity.

It's quite fun really.

* "How was therapy?" Daisuke asks as soon as he comes home. I tell him Akari- san wants him to come next week. He chokes slightly on his tea. "What?! Why?" I shrug. He ponders this for a minute, then starts talking about something else. Daisuke's attention span was never that long. Not that I mind.

"Will you come?" I interrupt. I wasn't really listening to him anyway, rude as that sounds.

"Sure." I was more than half hoping he'd decline.

*

"Ah. You must be Daisuke." Usually in polite conversation, this would be followed by "I've heard so much about you." But I haven't told you anything, Akari-san, so you look like a fool. Daisuke sits on the sofa with me, eying you with a look of deep mistrust. This could be because I have never said a good word about you, or just because you're twitching nervously at this open display of suspicion against you. Probably both. "So. . .ah. . .Ken tells me you live together."

Daisuke immediately puts his hand around the back of the sofa. They are not draped around my shoulders, but Daisuke looks about to do that. He fingers the back of my neck and my hair, but you can't see. "Yeah, that's right."

"How long for?"

"A few years." He says vaguely. "But it's a permanent arrangement." Daisuke puts a lot of emphasis on 'permanent' and I smile a little.

"Has Ken ever had any. . .problems. . .in this time?" You look very hot and uncomfortable, though the window is open.

"Nothing major. You lose your temper a bit easily, don't you Hun?" He says to me. I nod. You scribble madly. Time passes in this fashion. You ask questions. Daisuke answers indistinctly. You write. It's a cycle. I get bored after a while and become content with just staring at Daisuke. But after a while, something catches my attention.

"Does Ken ever talk about Osamu with you?"

Daisuke looks at me for permission. I shrug. "Yes. Sometimes."

My fist clenches. It does that a lot when people talk about Osamu. Totally involuntary, which is odd for me, because I have no qualms about lashing out. Because I get angry so easily. You know that. I slapped you once, I'll do it again if you keep talking about Osamu. Even though you think you're so good to me, taking me back even after that, not suing. . .I'd rather just go. You're not helping.

"What sort of things does he say?"

My nails dig into my fist. Shut up. My hands'll bleed if you don't shut the fuck up.

"Does he talk about his dreams with you?"

Shut. UP. You, with your stupid hair, I just wanna yank it all out and chuck your hello fucking kitty pad out the window, and scream and kick your face in. I'll do it, I will.

"Dreams? What dreams?"

"The nightmares, about Osamu."

". . .What is she talking about Ken?"

I'm not listening. I'm. Not. Hearing. You. BITCH. Daisuke grabs my shoulders. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Everything stops. Daisuke stops, staring at me. I don't shout at Daisuke. Not ever. But I just did. You're not looking at me, Akari-san. Can't you even bear to look at me? Am I that screwed up, I don't even deserve a disapproving look from you, the lowest of the low? I think I must be. Finally, Daisuke speaks.

". . .Ken, why don't you talk to me about these things?"

". . .Because. . .Because I don't. . .want my time with you. . .to be like it is here. . .I need some time to not think about these things. . ."

Daisuke runs his hand through his hair and sighs desperately. "You can't just ignore it Ken!" But he doesn't say anything else.

You're looking nervous now, but I've calmed down now. "I think we'll leave today's session at that." Fine by me.

*

The first thing I do when I get home is have a long, hot bath and sort things out in my head. As well as I can, anyway.

I. . .

Have to tell him.

. . .Do I?

Do I have to?

I don't want to, god how I don't. But. . .

*

". . .Daisuke. . ."

". . .Are you ready to tell me?"

". . .No. . ." I whisper. "But I have to." He takes my hand and grips it tightly. This isn't the same as with you, Akari-san. It's so much harder. I take a deep breath.

And begin.

This is just one of those lonely nights