Title: Look to the Future pt. 2

Author: Goldy

Email: thegoldoneb_a@hotmail.com

Dedication: Again, to all my friends. Laura because she loves Bend it Like Beckem and we're gonna write a big BILB fanfiction! To Quimby because she told me she liked the latest instalment of our Buffy/Ducks fanfiction. To Laney for her birthday (Happy Birthday, Laney!). And to Lindsey because, well, I love Lindsey. Also, to everyone who gave me feedback on the first chapter: Thank You! You're all wonderful!

Authors Notes: Yes. This will be B/A. There is nothing in this world that I hate more than Spuffy or C/A. Believe me. I just… need to work through all of that to get to B/A. So be patient with this chapter because it's heavy on those Other Ships that Shall Not be Named.

Spike turned his head to glare menacing at Gunn, who had his hands handcuffed behind his back. "You could let me out of these things now."

"Not in your life."

"Let him go," Buffy commanded softly.

Gunn looked questioningly at Angel. Angel gave Buffy a quick glance, but she was too focused on Spike to notice. He slowly felt his hope draining. He took a breath, "Let him go."

Spike gave him a smug look once he had his hands free. "Hope I'm not interrupting something… personal."

Buffy tentatively went to him, pressing a hand to his chest. Spike watched her in apt fascination. She swallowed. "It's true," she whispered, "your heart's beating."

Spike leaned back suggestively. "Guess the powers weren't quite done with their champion, eh luv?"

Angel closed his eyes.

The vampire with a soul, once he fulfills his destiny, will Shanshu...become human. It's his reward.

Feeling sick, Angel slowly opened them and made eye contact with Fred. "Angel…?" Her question was obvious. 'Did he get it? Did *Spike* receive your reward?'

No, not his reward. It was never his. Slowly he nodded at her. Fred blinked and opened her mouth, no doubt to offer some petty condolence, but seemed to think better of it. Taking Gunn's arm, they filed grim-faced out of the room.

He watched with a heavy heart as Buffy warmly embraced the bleached ex-vampire, holding him tightly. "I'm glad you're back," she told him, the emotion evident in her voice.

Spike watched him over her head, his eyes clearly saying. 'Look what I got and look what I landed. Finally got the two things you ever really wanted. Who's love's bitch now?'

Angel fought down the anger. "I'll leave you two alone," he gritted out, practically running to escape the scene before him.

Too much. Too much that he'd give up. Too hard to watch Spike get what was his. His reward—his soulmate.

Out in the hall, he collapsed against a wall, breathing hard. He had her for a minute, one beautiful minute, before the whole dream was shattered by his worst nightmare. 'One more loss,' he thought. 'Just one more loss.' It seemed to be one loss to many, however, and he felt his bruised, dead heart shattering more with every passing second.

He forced himself up and one hand on the wall, he forcibly moved himself forward. He wasn't entirely sure where he was going—only that he needed to escape. He needed to brood—brood and weep and cry and scream—but not anywhere near *her*.

He paused at a locked room, eyeing the security pad. Quickly he keyed in the familiar numbers. Inside there was a room, bright with sunlight, the windows specially made to shield him from the deadly rays. The faint smell of lavender wafted through his senses and he slowly made his way to the bed.

Cordelia lay on it, chest moving slowly up and down, her eyes closed peacefully. She looked like she was sleeping. Her chestnut hair spread out on the pillow to frame her face and her hands lay at her sides.

He felt his heart shatter a little more, watching her. She was so beautiful and looked so painfully innocent. He wished more than anything that wherever she was—she was as happy and peaceful as she looked.

With a muffled sob, he sat down heavily into the chair next to the bed. Scattered about were magazines of every kind, books, and newspapers from around the globe. He liked to read to her, in hopes that perhaps she could hear him and keep up with what was going on in the world that she had given up everything to save.

He took one of her small hands in his own, bringing her fingers to his lips. He pressed a kiss on the open palm of her hand.

"I love you, Cordelia," he told her. The rise and fall of her chest was his only answer. He stared at the ceiling, knowing that his vision was blurring with unshed tears. "I'm sorry that I could never tell you before. I'm sorry for everything… I'm sorry that I couldn't save you in time to tell you how much you mean to me."

He stopped. He wondered if she would remember the real timeline if she woke up. He wondered if she'd remember Connor. He could almost feel the way his tiny, baby hands would latch on to one of his big fingers and never let go.

Even as a little baby, Connor had always been preternaturally strong.

He continued, "Whatever else we were, you were my best friend. Through all of it. I don't think I could have done it without you." He chuckled to himself, "From your horrible coffee to the bone crushing visions you suffered through."

Lapsing into silence, he remembered what it had been like, finding the woman he'd loved in the throes of ecstasy with his son. Then, ultimately, having to give them both up for the greater good.

"I had a son," Angel whispered. "He's gone now. But I had him. It doesn't matter what everyone else remembers. For a little while he was *mine*…mine."

He blinked at Cordelia, realizing that he'd gone off into another world. Bending down, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Most of all… I'm sorry that I didn't love you like that. That in our one perfect world, in my dream, I still needed *her* to lose my soul. You deserved more, Cordy. You deserve someone that can love you with everything they are, soul, mind, body and heart. Not someone who's your best friend."

"Angel…"

Turning slowly, he found her gazing at him with big, wide eyes. "What?" he asked brokenly.

She blinked back tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely.

His head spun. "For what? You got what you want, didn't you?"

Her eyes widened. "How can you even *say* that? You think this is what I wanted? You think I wanted Spike to be the one to turn human? You think that I'm *happy* Cordelia is in a coma?" She paused, bit her lip. "You must have really loved her."

Angel clenched his hands into fists and stalked towards her. "No, Buffy, I *didn't* really *love* her. I *never* told her I did, never could get over my feelings for you. And we *never* got a chance to see what it would be like to be together. Now she's in a coma, she's never going to wake up, and she's never going to get the princess life she deserves."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said again, weakly.

"I gave up everything," he mumbled, more to himself than to her. "I had a son. Did you know that? A son. He was the only thing I'd ever done that seemed right. And even that was a failure."

Buffy shuffled closer to him, wiping at her eyes. She took his hand and squeezed it tenderly. "What happened?"

He looked at her tiredly. "He went crazy. Couldn't deal. I don't blame him, it can't be easy to have a vampire as a father. So I gave him up, gave up all his memories of me for another family. He's happy now."

She closed her eyes. "It's not fair."

He pulled his hand away, walked past her. "I hope you and Spike live happily ever after."

She froze and watched with small panic as he dismissed her and walked away. She ran desperately after him. "I don't know what I want! I just…" she stopped in front of him. "I just need some time."

Angel considered her a moment, before turning and closing the door to Cordelia's room. He turned back to her. "Take it, but don't expect me to stay here and wait for you to decide whether or not you'd take a Regular Joe over me."

"Angel… please…" she begged, moving in his way.

He stopped, looked at her. "What Buffy?" he asked in a defeated tone.

"I don't know," she admitted. "It's just… you should know. Things between Spike and I… it hasn't been easy."

Angel snorted.

She glared at him. "Are you going to listen to this or just make fun?"

"Well, it's a little hard for me to listen to your life with another man, but please continue anyway."

Buffy felt her breath catch. "I used him, Angel. For a year, almost. We beat each other up for kicks beforehand." She shook her head, "It almost killed me."

He swallowed. "I'm sorry."

She looked into his eyes. He was sorry, she could tell. He didn't pity her, but he understood. "He tried to rape me," she whispered.

Angel reared back, as if struck. "He… he raped you?"

"Tried," she repeated, nervous.

He pushed around her. "I'm going to kill him."

She watched his retreating figure in shock. "What?" she hollered, running after him. "You can't be serious."

Angel snarled. "I'm going. To. Kill *him*."

She grabbed his arm. "He got a SOUL! He knew it was WRONG! He's HUMAN now! You can't just go and beat the shit out of him! He won't get better!"

"I know," Angel growled, yanking his arm out her grasp.

"I care about him," she said quietly.

Angel stopped, shut his eyes. "He tried to violate you."

After that, he was gone.

Buffy stared after him, feeling all her dreams crush in her heart.

***

Angel could still track him.

The knowledge shouldn't have surprised him. Back when Darla had been brought back as a human, he'd been able to track her. It seemed that even becoming a human didn't severe the bonds between sire and childe.

'Or grandsire and grandchilde,' Angel thought morosely.

Besides, in some sick, twisted way, Darla and Spike and Dru were his family. They called out to each other whether they wanted to or not. And Spike had always had a way of calling out to them in a whipped, puppy dog fashion.

Angel's mind conjured up old images of his years spent as part of the family. He remembered the way Spike had idolized him, wanted more than anything to have Angelus' approval. It didn't matter that Dru was his true sire, in more ways than one Angel had been the one to raise him.

You were my sire, man. My yoda.

Angel knew Angelus had done a job teaching Will *never* to go near *his* mate. As a result, he'd never gotten along particularly well with Darla. There was a code between sire and childe. A code that could never be broken. Death was the inevitable penalty.

And Will had tried to force himself on *his* mate.

Angel found him in a bar. Even as a human it seemed Spike was overly fond of the drink. He was sitting by the counter, shot glasses spread out around him and his head lying in one hand. The other hand held another shot, which he experimentally sniffed.

Angel growled softly, approaching him with the stalk of a predator out to get its prey. Spike didn't look up as he came, though Angel knew he could feel him.

"Thing smells different now," Spike slurred, once Angel was in earshot.

Angel paused for a minute wondering what he was doing. He couldn't just come out on some vengeance gig. Buffy certainly wasn't his mate any more and Spike *was* human.

Spike turned his seat around to face his grandsire. He lifted a hand to clap Angel on the back with. It missed him by quite a few inches. Spike frowned. "Can't quite hold the liquor like I used to be able to."

Angel's let out a deep rumble from inside his chest. "You tried to rape Buffy."

Spike leaned back, tossing his drink at the same time. "And look how well that worked out. Got a shiny new soul and everything. Oh, yeah, and hey! Not to mention my humanity."

Angel grabbed him by the cuff of his shirt and the shot glass fell from Spike's hand, letting out a large crash as it made contact with the floor. A few other customers stood up in fright.

"Guess you came all the way out here to kill me." Spike cocked his head, "Gained a little weight, Peaches? You're not looking as tough as you used to."

With a snarl, Angel shoved Spike back into his seat and fell loudly into the one next to it. He signalled to the bartender, "Get me one of what he's having."

"Yeah, 'nother for me too. It's on him."

Angel gave him a sideways glance but didn't say anything. "You're lucky I didn't kill you."

Spike smirked. "Knew you'd chicken out. You really are a great pouf, aren't you?"

Angel accepted his drink, threw it back. "Tell you she needed time to think about it?"

Spike let out a drunken chuckle. "Yeah, right before she told me how much she loved me."

Angel signaled for another drink, "You're lying."

"Damn straight."

Angel watched in disgust as Spike teetered precariously on his barstool. "You have everything Buffy wants. What the fuck are you doing here like a pathetic loser?"

"Everything Buffy wants? Buffy wants you to be human, not me. She chooses me, I'm the poor substitute. She doesn't love me, half the time she can't even stand to have a conversation with me."

Angel looked at him, feeling the first remnants of pity. "You're human and you don't even have her."

"Yeah, well, you don't have her either, so sod off!"

"Pathetic," Angel muttered.

"Hey!" Spike cried. "You think I wanted your stinkin' reward?" He jabbed a finger at Angel's chest, missed the mark. "I *liked* being a vampire. Wasn't anything until Dru turned me. I got OFF on KILLING people! Still would too, soul or no. I stopped, for her. I got a bleeding government issue soul for the bint! So I got my humanity back. A 'reward.' I can't even drink without getting pissed!"

"It is a reward," Angel said softly. "You can take her out into the sunlight, have picnics in the park."

Spike snorted. "Never was much for the romantics. That was more your area. I don't want to be a bloody human."

Angel downed another shot. "It should have been mine."

"Don't I know it."

They sat in silence for a moment, both trying as best they could to pretend they weren't in each other's company.

"I love her," Spike said. "Never thought it'd be possible. Doesn't mean one bleedin' thing, though. People like Buffy and I don't end up together."

"People like her don't end up with people like me, either."

"To hell, they don't. You said it yourself, I tried to rape her. I screwed her for a year so she could feel something. I'd go to the moon and back for her… but it wouldn't matter. She's a hero. Hero's don't end up with people like me." Spike downed another shot and gave Angel a considering look. "You're all big with saving innocent people, saving souls. Me, I couldn't care less what happens to anyone else. We both know who she's going to end up with."

Angel stared ahead, played with the rim of his glass. "Can't change the vampire thing."

Spike chuckled, hanging on to the counter for support. "Yep, that's your one big problem. She did me for a year, though. Didn't seem to bother her much." Spike thought about it for a moment, "I hate you."

Angel sighed, ordered them both another drink. "Believe me, the feeling is more than mutual." He downed his glass, "This whole thing would be funny if it wasn't so ironic."

"Bloody hell." Spike hit his head. "Where the fuck did this headache come from?"

Angel snorted in amusement. "Perks of being human."

"Should have killed me."

"Probably."

They simultaneously had another drink.

Angel snuck a glance at Spike. "She has feelings for you," he shared quietly. Then he wondered why the hell he was bothering to tell what could be fairly labelled as 'The Competition' that.

Spike choked. "*Feelings?*" he exploded. "FEELINGS?! You two have the bloody mythic romance, soulmate thing going on. 'Sides, I know her better than anybody. Never did stop loving you, can tell you that. Didn't help me stop panting over her, though."

Angel wasn't really sure what to say to that. If he didn't know better, it was almost like Spike was telling him to go running back to Buffy. "You're going to regret telling me this in the morning," Angel muttered.

"I won't remember this in the morning," Spike snapped. "Let's call it a Thank You Present for not torturing me for hours for touching you're *precious* mate."

Angel threw back another drink. "I'm glad that you feel you can be so honest with me. It's a real honour."

You're not friends, you'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'till it kills you both. You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver, but you'll never been friends. Love isn't brains, Children. It's blood. Blood screamin' inside of you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Spike stood on shaky legs. "You can get the tab."

Angel, feeling the alcohol beginning to seep its way into his blood, looked uncertainly at all the shot glasses lying around. Spike was already leaving, though. "No way… where are you going?"

Spike turned back around and gave him a shit-eating grin. "Gonna try and win me a slayer."

"But you just said…"

Spike wavered back and forth precariously. "Doesn't mean I can't try. I am *human* after all. What do I care if I'm only second best?" Then, moving with remarkable speed for a drunk human, Spike was gone.

Angel asked for the large, hefty bill.

His grandchilde—what a prince.

TBC