Welcome to Camelot?

Disclaimer: Don't own YGO, don't own Monty Python.

Forgive the filler chapter. D: And since this is some kind of AU (more like I never fully figured out which canon I was working with), I guess everyone lives in a generic English-speaking country. Or something. Forgive that, too. And forgive me for making Malik's split personality a spirit, because I didn't know he wasn't when I wrote this back in 2003. Forgive a lot of things, actually. Just pretend that Malik's split personality is the spirit of the Rod, and that Set just floats around in Kaiba's head.

Chapter 4: Monty Python's Flying Circus

Otogi, Kaiba, and Malik stared at each other.

"We've been left here," said Otogi. "Aren't we supposed to be going off killing people with the rest of them?"

Kaiba chewed on his lower lip. "Sir Donovan said that Galahad, Gawain, and Percival were going to participate in a tourney in Cornwall. The rest of them have been called to a meeting of the Round Table."

Otogi frowned and started twirling his hair around one finger.

While the other two began to debate the possible reasons for them being left behind, Malik began to sing softly with a wicked grin on his face: "We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able; we do routines – "

SHUT UP!

Malik ignored his spirit's outburst and kept singing. "– and chorus scenes, with footwork impeccable – "

Kaiba broke what was now a heated argument with Otogi long enough to hiss over his shoulder at the Egyptian, "Shut up!" That, coupled with the CEO's trademark icy glare, was sufficient to reduce Malik to humming.

"We're supposed to be serving drinks at court," Kaiba muttered. "Serving drinks, for pity's sake!"

"Too high and mighty for us common folk, Kaiba?" Otogi smirked.

Kaiba growled at him. "Waiting tables is not a dignified occupation!"

Malik, still humming, capered down the stairs after them.

Kaiba, turning as he led them down to the kitchens, raised an eyebrow and said, with an astonishingly deadpan expression on his face, "Is something wrong with him?"

Otogi was forced to muffle his laughter with both hands.

xxxxx

The kitchens were a warm, noisy part of the castle. The knights and nobles never came down here, but the squires were obliged to when on serving duty.

Kaiba showed the head cook – a small and lively middle-aged man – a note from his knight-master. The cook nodded his approval and gestured towards some trays of appetizers and fluted wine glasses.

Kaiba struggled through the mass of people, and said, just loud enough for the other two to hear, "We're supposed to fill the glasses ourselves."

However, Malik, when he saw the roasted pig on a platter with an apple in its mouth in the center of the room, simply couldn't resist shouting at the top of his lungs, "WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT!"

A silence fell over the room. Malik went into the next verse. "We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-midable!"

And to Kaiba's utter mortification, Otogi joined in. "But many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsing-able..." When the other teenager saw the venomous look that Kaiba was giving him, he simply shrugged and grinned.

Kaiba tried to ignore them and started pouring wine into the glasses from a large, full bottle, silently praying that the two insane squires wouldn't get up on the tables and dance. But thankfully, they didn't. It slowly quieted down to a loud whisper...and the rest of the people in the kitchen eventually dismissed them as loonies and went back to their work.

The CEO thrust a plate of delicacies into each of their hands and took the tray of wine glasses himself. The two others would have spilled it, he told himself.

With a hissed "Shut up!" he led them out of the kitchens and towards the large room where the king held court.

xxxxx

Well, to put it truthfully, the king wasn't really holding court at the time. Kaiba had known that beforehand. He was on the other side of the castle, most likely sitting at the head of the Round Table – not that round tables had heads; that was why they'd chosen a round table in the first place – and discussing wars and gory battles with his knights. Not something that he was very partial to. He'd seen his share of death, and there were many who would call him ruthless and cruel, but going about it in the Medieval way would be...considerably more messy.

So, of course, being squire to a knight who frequently engaged in tourneys and battles wasn't the best situation to be in. He was sure Malik would love it, the sadistic bastard. And the eternally-vain Otogi would probably be worried that his hair would get messed up or somesuch nonsense.

Come to think of it, Ryou Bakura positively abhorred violence of any sort. And he had just gone galloping off with Sir Galahad, to meet up with Gawain and Percival at Cornwall. Tough luck for him. And come to think of it, his spirits – both of them – wouldn't be happy about their predicament.

And neither would Set. Kaiba hoped that he wouldn't choose now to emerge. It wasn't as if he hated the spirit – he was simply too high and mighty. Too arrogant. In fact, too much like Kaiba himself.

What in the world are you doing?

The voice cut through his thoughts like a knife. Startled, he caught his foot on an uneven stone, lost his balance, and fell, probably for the first time in his entire life. And of course, it wasn't something he'd ever like to experience again.

He hit the floor hard, and waited for the inexorable tinkling noises as the glasses shattered into millions of pieces and wine spattered across the stones.

It never came. He cautiously lifted his gaze and saw the embroidered hem of a dark blue robe.

Kaiba suddenly remembered what or who it was that had made him drop the glasses in the first place. He sighed mentally. Not you again.

Yes. Me again. The spirit flashed him one of his own trademark smirks, then twirled the tray on one finger carelessly. Kaiba winced, stood up, and snatched it back from spirit. Had he known that Set could do that -- catch things? Kaiba had thought he'd been as disembodied as the rest of them, when he wasn't in control. Which was most of the time.

He heard Malik and Otogi sniggering in the background. Whirling around, he snapped angrily, "Tell me, is there a reason you're all so giddy?"

Malik grinned, showing all his teeth. "You don't want to know."

And they began to sing, again.

Except this time, Set joined in, a wicked smirk on his face. Damned if Kaiba knew where he'd managed to learn that ridiculous song... He groaned mentally and wished, as undignified as it would be, that he could faint clean away.

To what would later be his great surprise, he actually did.

xxxxx

NEXT CHAPTER: Gawain, Jounouchi, Percival, Yugi, and one very disgruntled pharaoh, in the middle of the wilderness, with sharp pointy metal objects...