Hello again and welcome to my second instalment of my alternative season eight. I was a little hesitant about posting anymore (not much confidence you see, well obviously I've got enough confidence to go out of the house and from time to time I do speak to other people but then inevitably I recoil back into my shell with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin) but after the feedback that I've received for 'The Bride, The Gloom, The Boyfriend and his Strife' how could I not post it. I have received dozens of e-mails about it and have been extremely grateful for the comments made. I have tried to respond to the comments made but I apologise if I haven't sent you a reply, I promise to do better next time. I hope you enjoy episode two. If you do then once again please let me know at kelly_simba@hotmail.com.

Once again I do not own any of these characters apart from the radio callers which came off the top of my head - not literally of course because firstly how would they fit and secondly with all that added weight of people actually standing on my head can you imagine how short I would be!




Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Two
I Just Called To Say -------!

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Mel, Eddie)

FRASIER AND ROZ ON ONE SIDE AND NILES AND DAPHNE ON THE OTHER SIT AT THE TABLE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW AND THE DOOR.

ROZ

Daphne I actually saw Donny last night.

DAPHNE

Really?

NILES

How much of him did you see?

ROZ

Very amusing. But with what you've been up to lately I think you should keep you big pie hole shut.

DAPHNE

What did he want?

ROZ

Just a shoulder to cry on. We were talking for hours, I tried to comfort him as he looked for answers.

DAPHNE

What time did he leave?

ROZ

About one o'clock.

FRASIER

Only an hour ago, well no one can say you don't provide a service.

ROZ

One o'clock last night. I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're thinking.

NILES

From what I hear you actually sleep with very few men. You have to keep the traffic moving or there'll be bumper to bumper jams outside your apartment. Do you get them to clock in and out or do you pin up a rotor?

ROZ KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE

ROZ

I tried to explain what had happened and he left a much calmer, saner person. I wouldn't be surprised if he called and asked to see you.

FRASIER

How do you feel about that Daphne? Seeing Donny again.

DAPHNE

After the way he spoke to us, I never want to see him again.

FRASIER

He was hurt though Daphne.

DAPHNE

I know. Maybe if I speak to him, it might give me some closure as well as him. It might stop me from feeling guilty if he's starting to come to terms with what's happened.

NILES LOOKS VISUALLY UPSET AT THIS NEWS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh pull your face straight. I've made my decision, I'm happy. I love you, not him. I don't know how many times I've got to tell you that.

NILES

I'll tell you when.

FRASIER

How about you Niles? Have you thought about going to see Mel again?

NILES

The way she's behaving I don't want to see her. Between her and Donny I don't know if I'm coming or going. My lawyer assures me that there's nothing to worry about. But he's also the same man who hid in a bunker with a year's supply of food when we came into the new millennium. He's only been out a couple of weeks. He keeps talking to a banana but I don't think it's anything to worry about.

FRASIER

Only if you accidentally eat it.

ENTER MARTIN AND EDDIE LOOKING OUT OF BREATH

MARTIN

Quick guys hide.

NILES

Why? Is it the man with the hamster again?

MARTIN

Mel's on her way in. I nearly dropped my cane running away from her. It's a good job I knocked over those trashcans or she would have beaten me here.

DAPHNE

Well what do we do?

NILES

She'll never leave if she sees me here.

FRASIER

Then hide under the table.

DAPHNE

What about me?

ROZ

She'll see Niles isn't here and leave. Just ignore her. If she starts to get aggressive it's four against one. It'll give me the opportunity that I've wanted to slap her.

MARTIN

She's coming.

DAPHNE

Quick get under the table.

NILES

You're joking?

FRASIER

This is no time to argue. Just do it.

NILES

I won't fit and besides it's all sticky.

DAPHNE

I don't care. She'll never leave if she sees you, so get under there.

DAPHNE PUSHES NILES UNDER THE TABLE AND THEN SLIDES ACROSS TO WHERE HE WAS SITTING. MARTIN THEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER SO THAT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MEL. EDDIE SEEING THAT NILES IS ON HIS LEVEL STARTS TO LICK HIS FACE.

NILES

Eddie, get off. Don't lick me, I'm not a piece of Kibble. Dad do something.

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM ON HIS LAP

FRASIER

Don't let her rattle you Daphne. She's just going to try to get a rise out of you.

MARTIN

That's right, don't let her have the satisfaction.

NILES

Frasier will you get your knee out of my head?

FRASIER

Be quiet she's coming.

NILES

I'm kneeling in a big puddle of something. Eddie have you relieved yourself down here?

DAPHNE

Shhhhh.

ENTER MEL

MEL

Why hello what a surprise it is to see you all here.

FRASIER

Mel.

MEL

I'll cut to the chase, where's Niles?

FRASIER

I've no idea. At work probably.

MEL

He's not I've just been to his office.

FRASIER

Then I really don't know.

MEL

Do you know where he is?

DAPHNE

Sorry, are you talking to me?

MEL

I don't see another home wrecker here. What am I saying? Sorry I didn't see you there Roz.

DAPHNE

I don't know where he is. I don't keep him under foot.

MEL

Maybe he's become board of you. Off to find someone who doesn't rub an old man's ass for money. That's one step off some kind of perverted prostitution you know.

DAPHNE

I suppose so.

DAPHNE STARTS TO LAUGH

MEL

Did I say something that amused you?

DAPHNE

Not at all.

DAPHNE LAUGHS AGAIN

MEL

I'm so glad to know that breaking up a marriage is such fun. Maybe I should try it.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry but I have something tickling my foot.

DAPHNE KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE

NILES

Ouch!

MARTIN

Ouch my hip is really painful today.

MEL

Well maybe Dad, it wouldn't be if he hadn't hurdled the hedge in your haste to get here.

MARTIN

I needed to pee.

MEL

Charmed I'm sure. Well this has been fun. But I have to go and see my lawyer, we have a lot of things to discuss, we have a big case coming up. By the way Frasier just a word to the wise, we know.

FRASIER

What are you implying?

MEL

I'm implying nothing. I just thought you'd appreciate a warning. We know what you did.

FRASIER

You're obviously confused Mel.

MEL

No I'm not. I know that you were chatting away to Niles and your little Cinderella here the night before the wedding. How you forced them together. We know about all of it, every sordid little detail.

FRASIER

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

MEL

I don't think so. Donny got this information from a very reliable source.

FRASIER

And what source would that be?

MEL

Roz.

FRASIER

What?

MEL

Are you going to tell him or should I do it?

ROZ

That bastard.

MEL

Yes, it's funny how being dumped at the altar will do that to a perfectly normal person. Donny poured a few drinks down her and she told him everything but the size of her underwear. But from what I hear you tried to show him.

FRASIER

Roz, you didn't?

ROZ

I was just showing him that I didn't have any stretch marks from when I had Alice that's all. Oh you mean about you. Yes, but he was so upset, I thought the truth might help. I didn't know he was just using me. I'm sorry.

FRASIER

Have you learnt nothing from my show?

MEL

She was probably comatose through it, like your listeners.

ROZ

Listen why don't you just jump on your broom and leave us alone. You've had your fun.

MEL

I just want you to know that you'll pay for this Frasier. Mark my words one way or another you will suffer for what you have done to us.

MEL TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS. NILES' PHONE CAN BE HEARD RINGING UNDER THE TABLE AS EVERYONE ELSE CRINGES. YOU CAN HEAR HIM FLIPPING IT OPEN AND PRESSING THE ANSWER BUTTON

MEL (CONT'D)

And that goes double for you.

EXIT MEL

FRASIER

How could you?

ROZ

I'm sorry. I thought it would help him.

DAPHNE

Oh it's going to help him all right. It gives them all the more ammunition.

FRASIER

Oh my God. What are they going to do to me?

MARTIN

I wouldn't worry about it Frasier. It's all talk.

NILES

I hate to interrupt but would someone like to help me out from here? I don't know how much longer I can stand having my head inches away from Dad's crotch.

FRASIER

Sorry Niles.

FRASIER STANDS AND HELPS NILES OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE. NILES STANDS TO SURVEY THE DAMAGE TO HIS SUIT

NILES

Oh look at me. I'm covered in some sort of sticky substance. How am I supposed to get that out?

EDDIE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S LAP AND STARTS TO LICK NILES' KNEECAPS

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh yes dog drawl. How silly of me. You know we should get you to dribble in bottles and sell it at ninety dollars a go as a revolutionary stain remover.

MARTIN

Well I should be getting this guy home. See you later.

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT

NILES

I'm going to see if I can get this off in the restroom.

NILES EXITS TO THE RESTROOM

FRASIER

Can I get you two ladies another coffee?

ROZ

Please.

DAPHNE

Thank you Dr. Crane.

FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER

ROZ

Now that we're finally alone. Spill. I want to know everything.

DAPHNE

Everything about what?

ROZ

Don't play that game. Niles of course.

DAPHNE

What about him?

ROZ

You know. How is it?

DAPHNE

I wouldn't know.

ROZ

Don't play all coy with me. Tell me.

DAPHNE

I told you. I really wouldn't know.

ROZ

Of no! You mean you're never there long enough to find out. I went with a guy like that once. I could pour a cup of coffee at the same time and not spill a drop. I tried reading just so that I'd have something to do, most of the time I was lucky if I got to the end of a sentence let alone a paragraph.

DAPHNE

No, I mean we haven't.

ROZ

Really? Why not?

DAPHNE

We both agreed that we shouldn't rush into anything. Our relationship has changed, but it will be better for us if it's a gradual change rather than a rapid one.

ROZ

And how is Niles reacting to this?

DAPHNE

He's fine. He agreed with me.

ROZ

Yeah right. You know how horny he is. When Maris would turn him down he would get so desperate he'd turn to soft fruit for pleasure.

DAPHNE

It's just something he's going to have to cope with in the foreseeable future.

AS FRASIER BRINGS OVER THEIR DRINKS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin)

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND FRASIER SITS AT THE DINING TABLE. ENTER NILES.

NILES

Hello you.

DAPHNE

Hi.

THEY GO TO KISS BUT STOP AS THEY NOTICE MARTIN AND FRASIER WATCHING THEM. NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE HALLWAY AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. A BEAT PASSES UNTIL THEY RE-ENTER.

FRASIER

For God's sake you don't have to go out into the hall. It's not like it's a secret conspiracy.

NILES

It's still a little strange.

DAPHNE

We're not ready for an audience yet.

NILES

Besides I keep thinking that you'll yell at me Frasier, from force of habit. If I ever came closer than ten feet from Daphne I could feel your death rays on the back of my head.

FRASIER

It's surprising you don't have permanent holes there.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE

I'll get it. (INTO PHONE) Hello. Oh mum. Fine, how are you? I know you feel like that. I'm sorry. Look it's not you I left at the altar. I know, I know, the humiliation. Of course we're still together. He's here now. I don't think so. No. No. No. Hold on a second. (TO NILES) She wants to speak to you.

NILES

What does she want to speak to me for?

MARTIN

To tell you off again probably.

NILES

What?

FRASIER

After all you did lead her daughter astray.

DAPHNE

If you could do a Manchurian accent and grew a moustache, you could almost pass as my mother. (INTO PHONE) I know you heard that. You can hear everything I say but you couldn't hear that that bloody bomb that went off in the city centre when you were only a street away. Eating a chocolate éclair does not make you temporally deaf. I don't care what Aunt Mavis says, she keeps a dead budgie in the blender.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE HANDS NILES THE PHONE

NILES

Hello Mrs. Moon. I know, I'm sorry.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE AS DAPHNE BEGINS TO TIDY UP THE LUNCH THINGS

DAPHNE

Did you hear from Mel or Donny yesterday?

FRASIER

No. I wish I had though. It makes it worse waiting for the axe to fall.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. I never meant for any of this to happen.

FRASIER

I know you didn't. But this is the price that we have to pay to see you two together. In the long run the inconvenience of the events of late are going to seem minuscule when you consider the future that you have ahead of you. It's worth every misery that Mel and Donny can throw at us if you ask me.

DAPHNE

Even so, I just feel so responsible.

FRASIER

Look at it this way. What could they possible do to me?

DAPHNE

I guess you're right.

FRASIER

Of course I'm right. When am I ever wrong?

DAPHNE

That time you tried to clean behind the back of the fridge. You said you could get you hand behind there. It was too big and you got it stuck.

FRASIER

Oh all right.

DAPHNE

We had to call the fire brigade to move the fridge and pull you out.

FRASIER

OK Daphne.

DAPHNE

I see that fireman from time to time in the pub and we still laugh about it.

FRASIER

I remember Daphne.

DAPHNE

It was probably so funny because it when you were unemployed and putting on all that weight. The only pair of trousers that you could get into were in the wash so you were wearing that towel around your waist.

FRASIER

That's enough now Daphne.

DAPHNE

It looked as if you were wearing some sort of giant nappy, like a sumo wrestler.

FRASIER

All right Daphne.

DAPHNE

Except it was that pink towel with the flowers on. So it made you look like a sumo wrestler in drag.

FRASIER

All right Daphne.

DAPHNE

I wish I'd have had a camera. Especially when Eddie tried to run off with it while the firemen were pulling your legs to get you free.

FRASIER

Look why don't go and sit with Niles. It doesn't feel right for you to be cleaning up after me now that you're dating Niles.

DAPHNE

Are you firing me?

FRASIER

Of course not. I'm just saying that you don't need to do as much as you usually do. It's time for Dad and I to begin to do things for ourselves. Now go and relax.

DAPHNE

With pleasure.

FRASIER

But before you do that will you run the washing down stairs for me? And I need you to go to the store for me.

DAPHNE

You're really lightening my workload. Are you sure you don't want me to carry you to work on me back like a bleedin' Sherpa?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

NILES IS SAT ON THE COUCH STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE. MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER

NILES

(INTO PHONE) As nice as this has been Mrs. Moon and believe me I really would like to talk more but this is not my phone, I have to get back to work and without wanting to appear rude or boorish I have to use the bathroom. Yes it's a cordless phone but I… I know I have two hands. Yes Mrs. Moon. Really? Well you should see a doctor about that. No, it's not really my field. Yes I did go to medical school.

NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AS HE CONTINUES TO TALK ON THE PHONE. ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

This is not fair. He's never going to get off the phone. Talk to her won't you Daph?

DAPHNE

There are two options here. Either I take the phone off Niles and end up having to talk to her myself for an hour about every ache and pain that she had ever had, which by the way are all my fault because I was the most difficult labour that she went through. Or I could do as Dr. Crane has asked me and go to the store to pick up a few odds and ends and also some beer because you've run out.

MARTIN

So basically the decision here is beer or no beer.

ENTER FRASIER FROM KITCHEN

FRASIER

Shouldn't that be to beer or not to beer. That is the question.

MARTIN AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AT FRASIER IN SILENCE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Well I'm off to work.

AFTER PICKING UP HIS COAT FRASIER EXITS

DAPHNE

But fine if you want me to rescue your son then I'll do it.

MARTIN

Have you got some money?

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane just gave me some.

MARTIN

Then why are you still here?

NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM STILL ON THE PHONE. DAPHNE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK

DAPHNE

See you later.

AS DAPHNE EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(C)

TITLE CARD:'AH YES, BUT WOULD SHE REMEMBER HER OWN NAME?'

FADE IN:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Mel (V.O.), Donny (V.O.))

ROZ IS ARRANGING SOME FLOWERS IN A VASE ON HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Hi Roz. Wow what beautiful flowers. Who are they from?

ROZ

Donny.

FRASIER

I knew you slept with him.

ROZ

I did not. Here read the card.

FRASIER

Do I really want to?

ROZ

Just read it wise ass.

FRASIER

(READING THE CARD)'To my little mole. Thankyou for your help. I'd love to try to find your stretch marks some other time. Donny.' Well isn't this just perfect. You get a bunch of flowers for getting drunk and stealing nearly the whole hotel supply of bathroom toiletries and I get God knows what catastrophe hanging over my head for being a good Samaritan.

ROZ

Hey, do you think doing that was easy. Having ninety-percent alcohol and ten percent blood in your veins and still being able to have a fairly intelligent conversation is not an easy thing to do.

FRASIER

Oh yes you're right. You really do have a gift. You should be the eighth wonder of the world. Tourists will come from all around the world to ply you with liquor and discuss matter and anti-matter with you.

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES

ROZ

Bite me. You're on in ten seconds.

FRASIER

Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. So without further adieu let's get to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one?

ROZ

We have Mabel calling from Tacoma.

FRASIER

Hello Mabel. I'm listening.

MEL

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm calling about my husband.

FRASIER

What seems to be the trouble?

MEL

You see he left me for another woman after only three days of marriage.

FRASIER

I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. And you're struggling to come to terms with it?

MEL

A long cry and a bottle of Prozac later, I still have murder on my mind but my bitterness has currently been redirected at the person who started it all.

ROZ SUDDENLY REALISES THAT IT'S MEL AND STARTS FRANTICALLY WAVING HER ARMS AT FRASIER TO GET HIS ATTENTION

FRASIER

(TO ROZ) What is the matter with you?

ROZ

It's Mel.

FRASIER

Don't be ridiculous. (TO THE CALLER) The person who started it? Would this be the other woman? Did she make the first advance?

MEL

No it's my brother-in-law.

FRASIER

(TO ROZ) Oh my God it is Mel.

ROZ

I told you.

MEL

You see my dear sweet new brother-in-law couldn't help but stick his big nose in and ruin my life just because he thought it would be nice to see his brother shacked up with his whore. So what should I do Dr. Crane? Because you're advice seems to work out so well for all parties involved.

FRASIER

Mel?

MEL

Why Frasier you really should be a detective instead of a DJ, my cover has been blown.

FRASIER

I think this is a discussion for private not for public knowledge.

MEL

Why? Are you frightened? Scared that your beloved fans, or sad freaks as they are commonly known, might find out the truth.

FRASIER

Mel I really don't…

MEL

Because do you know what he did people of Seattle? Your wonderful Dr. Crane, the person you turn to for advice. Not only did he get his brother to leave me after three days of marriage but his…

FRASIER CUTS MEL OFF

FRASIER

I'm sorry we seem to have lost Mel there. If you're still listening Mel, I'll speak to you later. Roz, who do we have next?

ROZ

On line two we have Danny from Kirkland.

FRASIER

Hello Danny. I'm list…

DONNY

You're listening? Damn straight you're going to listen.

FRASIER

Danny I really don't think an aggressive manner is going to help me to help you.

DONNY

You want to help me?

FRASIER

Well of course I do. That's what I'm here for.

ONCE AGAIN ROZ STARTS TO WAVE HER ARMS LIKE CRAZY AS SHE REALISES THAT SHE'S LET DONNY ON THE AIR

DONNY

Like you helped Niles to leave Mel? Like you helped Daphne to make up her mind to leave me at the altar? That kind of help?

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ THROUGH THE GLASS AS SHE CRINGES

FRASIER

Donny?

DONNY

You have ruined my life. The only pleasure that I have left is making sure that Mel gets every single penny in the divorce. Do you think Niles will thankyou then?

FRASIER

Donny this really isn't the time or the place.

DONNY

KACL listeners, Dr. Crane here talked my fiancée into leaving me at the altar so she could do the nasty up with his brother. His so-called advice led to the break up of two marriages.

FRASIER

Donny, as I have told you. I know how much this hurts. I was left at the altar as well. I've been through that pain. But trust me the scars will fade in time.

DONNY

I trust you Frasier but will anyone else? A call in shows not much good if no one calls in because they know what can happen if they take your advice.

FRASIER

Donny this really…

DONNY

What are you going to do Frasier? Hang up on me like you did to Mel? We can't be brushed under that carpet all that easily Frasier. We're here for the long term and we're going to make sure that everyone knows what you've done. So enjoy your career while you still have one.

DONNY HANGS UP

FRASIER

And on that, I think it's time to go for a commercial while I find myself a new call screener.

ROZ RUNS INTO FRASIER'S BOOTH AS HE GOES OFF THE AIR

ROZ

Oh my God Frasier I'm so sorry. They sounded different when I spoke to them.

FRASIER

What is the matter with you?

ROZ

I'm sorry. I guess I left my brain at home today.

FRASIER

Left it at home? Are you sure you didn't put it in the blender and hit puree?

ROZ

I'll be more careful from now on. I'll know to filter them out from the other callers.

FRASIER

If we have anymore callers. After what's just happened I'll be surprised if anyone other than Hank with the imaginary friend calls us again. They are effectively trying to end my career and all because I tried to do the right thing.

AS ROZ GOES BACK TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD:'A LESSON IN COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG -

DOG AND BONE = TELEPHONE'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Niles, Martin, Eddie, Mrs. Moon (V.O.))

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH STILL ON THE PHONE WITH EDDIE LYING NEXT TO HIM

NILES

Yes Mrs. Moon. I promise to take care of her. I'd never do that. Well yes I did leave my wife for Daphne but that is the only time that I will ever do that. And of course I would hate for you to kill me. Oh really? Is it itching again?

THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHICH IS ENDED AS NILES STANDS UP AND PUTS THE PHONE NEXT TO EDDIE'S EAR

NILES (CONT'D)

Eddie, bark if she stops talking.

NILES GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN. AS THE REACHES THE DOORWAY EDDIE BARKS. NILES RUSHES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE PHONE

NILES (CONT'D)

I'm so… Sorry carry on. (TO EDDIE) That wasn't funny.

ENTER MARTIN

MARTIN

You're not still talking to her?

NILES COVERS UP THE MOUTHPIECE

NILES

No. She's talking, I'm just listening. Are my ears bleeding?

MARTIN

Why don't you hang up on her?

NILES

I don't want to appear rude. After what's happened I think it's best to try to give her a good impression.

MARTIN

Put her on speakerphone, then you don't have to carry that thing around.

NILES

That's a good point.

NILES WALKS TO THE PHONE AND SWITCHES ON THE SPEAKERPHONE

MRS. MOON

Then I squeezed it, and I guess it was a kind of dark brown liquid. It bloody hurt I can tell you that much. I'm not really sure if it was a boil or something else. It can't have been too serious or else it wouldn't have burst that quickly.

MARTIN GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE SPEAKERPHONE AND HANDS THE PHONE BACK TO NILES

MARTIN

I've had enough of that.

NILES

But Dad?

MARTIN

We all have to make sacrifices son. Even if it means sacrificing your sanity.

NILES

Then let me have it on speakerphone.

MARTIN

We're sacrificing your sanity not mine. I've had in-laws, I don't really want another set. Your Grandfather tried to strip search me every time I called on your mother. And your Grandmother, wow, lets just say once I got my badge I had to get your mother to lock up my gun for her own safety.

AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE TALKED AT WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Audrey (V.O.), Brain (V.O.), Mary (V.O.), Hank (V.O.))

FRASIER IS ON THE LINE TO A CALLER AS ROZ BANGS HER HEAD AGAINST THE GLASS

FRASIER

Listen Audrey. There is not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

AUDREY

But you ended two marriages.

FRASIER

I did not end two marriages. It was only one, Daphne and Donny never got married.

AUDREY

Because of you.

FRASIER

Audrey, do you want to talk about your problem or not.

AUDREY

Or not. My husband may be a homosexual part-time prostitute but after knowing what your advice can lead to I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

FRASIER

Then why are you on the air?

AUDREY

I was already on the line and I didn't want to be rude and hang up, but I've suddenly had a change of heart.

AUDREY HANGS UP

FRASIER

Thankyou Audrey it's saved me the job of cutting you off. Right whose next?

BRIAN

Dr. Crane what you have done is disgraceful.

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP

FRASIER

Thankyou. And on line four we have?

ROZ

Mary.

FRASIER

Hello Mary. I'm listening but depending on what you have to say I may not be for much longer.

MARY

Dr. Crane, do you know the difference between right and wrong?

FRASIER

Yes I do Mary.

MARY

Then why did you do that to them?

FRASIER

I don't really think that this is any of your business.

MARY

It wasn't your business to stick your big hooter in but you did and look what happened.

FRASIER

Yes, let's examine what exactly happened. I made my brother and my very good friend happy. I rescued them from doomed relationships with people that they didn't really love and brought them together. Now I ask you, is this a crime? Am I to be punished for the rest of my days for doing what in the long run will be considered the right thing to do by all parties?

MARY

Yes.

FRASIER

Then goodbye Mary.

FRASIER HANGS UP

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now will you stop calling about this subject, you don't even know the people involved and to be fair you wouldn't want to know them. If you saw Mel in the street you first instinct would be to tie her to a stake and burn her. I'm asking you now to not judge me on this matter. After all have I judged you over the last eight years of my show? Even when I've been faced with the most appalling stories have I ever turned on you? Forget for the moment about the woman who killed her husband and buried him in the garden because he couldn't spell gibbon. Apart from that lady who have I ever judged and pointed the finger at? I would just like you all to bare that in mind before you call the show. All right Roz, whose next?

ROZ

We have Hank on line one.

FRASIER

Hello Hank. I'm listening.

HANK

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm not a first time caller. You see we've spoken before. Do you remember?

FRASIER

Hank with the imaginary friend Hank?

HANK

Like I told you last time Dr. Crane he's not imaginary. He has a job and a family. A wife and a daughter.

FRASIER

Oh she had the baby did she?

HANK

She sure did. And I helped to deliver it.

FRASIER

You did?

HANK

That's right because you see at the time I was the only one there. I had to use a pair of hedge trimmers to cut the umbilical cord and I didn't have any blankets so I wrapped her in aluminium foil.

FRASIER

Please don't tell me you basted her then. How many times do I have to tell you this? Gordon does not exist. He is not a movie star turned astronaut who lives in your broom closet with his family and a pod of whales.

HANK

Dr. Crane! How can you say such things?

HANK BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY

FRASIER

Roz couldn't you have got me anyone else. I'd take a forest troll with an identity crisis at the moment.

ROZ

It was either Hank, the guy who puts ferrets in his pants as entertainment or a whole heap of angry people waiting to hurl abuse.

FRASIER

It's quite a slice of heaven I've got for myself here. I'm sorry to cut our conversation short Hank but we're all out of time. Once again stay on the line and we will give you some numbers of people you can call about Gordon. This is Dr. Crane saying I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not mowed down on the way home.

ROZ ENTERS FRASIER SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I don't believe this is happening. I've hung up on more people today that a medieval executioner.

ROZ

Oh Frasier don't feel too bad. After all I am partly to blame.

FRASIER

Partly?

ROZ

Yes.

FRASIER

I'm sorry I don't think I heard that right. Did you say partly? You are partly to blame.

ROZ

You heard right.

FRASIER

That's like saying Hitler was partly to blame for World War Two.

ROZ

Hay don't get snippy with me. My career is going down the pan as well as yours you know.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Roz. We have to be positive. This isn't going to stop us. Our jobs are still safe.

ROZ

Yeah about as safe as running into a lion pen with a dead antelope around your shoulders.

FRASIER

You're right. We're in hell.

ON THEIR CONCERNED GLANCES WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD:'DOESN'T EVERY TEN YEAR OLD USED HAND CREAM?'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - NIGHT/2
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Kenny)

NILES IS LYING ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH THE PHONE RESTING ON HIS EAR. MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION. ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS

MARTIN

Hay Daph.

DAPHNE

Oh my God is he still on the phone to my mother?

MARTIN

Yes. He dozed off about fifteen minutes ago. I don't know if she's still on the line, I didn't want to move the phone in case I woke him.

DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES AND BEGINS TO GENTLY PROD HIM TO WAKE HIM UP

DAPHNE

Niles, Niles.

NILES WAKES WITH A START, IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE PHONE AND SITS UPRIGHT. HE IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AND DISORIENTED

NILES

What? Huh. Yes, Mrs. Moon. I'm still here

DAPHNE

Is that still my mother?

NILES

I really have to go now. Yes I know I tried that one earlier. But this time it's true. Yes I know I said that last time as well.

MARTIN

Where have you been Daphne? It's been almost four hours.

DAPHNE

Looking for your bloody beer. When they said they were going to stop making it they weren't kidding.

MARTIN

Did you have trouble finding it?

DAPHNE

Trouble is not the word. It's probably easy to find the Holy Grail then it is to find a six pack of Ballentine. I think people are beginning to stock up for when they stop production. I did eventually find some although I had to fight for it. I managed to snatch it from under the nose of this old man while I distracted his good eye with an amusingly shaped potato I found.

FRASIER CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING FROM THE HALLWAY

FRASIER

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond. You were the one who was comforting Daphne in the elevator so don't start on me.

ENTER FRASIER

MARTIN

Is everything all right Frasier?

FRASIER

No, everything is not all right. I'm just having one of your average days in hell. All I need now is to not have sex tonight and it will qualify as the most God-awful day in history.

MARTIN

Well I think you're pretty much guaranteed that.

DAPHNE

I'll say. I'd be surprised if you even remembered what to do with a woman.

FRASIER

What's that expression? It's just like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget.

MARTIN

It's just a pity you've never been able to ride a bike without stabilisers, a helmet and kneepads.

FRASIER

Well thankyou both very much for making my perfect day just that little bit more exceptional.

NILES

No that's my brother Mrs. Moon.

FRASIER

You're not still on the phone to her?

NILES

Frasier keep your voice down.

FRASIER

Give me the phone.

FRASIER SNATCHES THE PHONE OUT OF HIS HAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Mrs. Moon, this is Dr. Crane. Yes I know. It was a little bit more complicated then that. No, I don't think that it's appropriate.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ROZ ENTERS WITH BITS OF LETTUCE AND TOMATO PIPS OVER HER CLOTHES AND IN HER HAIR

ROZ

Thankyou so much for waiting for me Frasier. When he ran into the elevator everyone in the lobby decided to pelt me with their garbage instead of him. Where is he?

DAPHNE

In the kitchen on the phone to my mother.

MARTIN

What's the matter with you?

ROZ

Hasn't Frasier told you?

MARTIN

Told us what?

ROZ

Don't you ever listen to his show?

MARTIN

Only if I'm having trouble sleeping.

DAPHNE

What's the matter? What's happened?

ROZ

Mel and Donny called the show today and told the whole of Seattle what he did.

MARTIN

So what's the problem?

ROZ

If the story was coming from Niles and Daphne's perspective then there wouldn't be one. But it was Mel and Donny, so it sounded as if Frasier was this wicked, evil, thoughtless home wrecker. That's a direct quote by the way.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN

FRASIER

She wants to speak to you again.

NILES

Tell her I've left.

FRASIER

He's gone… She heard you.

FRASIER HANDS NILES THE PHONE

NILES

Hello Mrs. Moon. I know what I did was wrong.

ROZ

Thanks for holding the elevator for me Frasier. While you were on your way up here I was having tomato's thrown at my head. Your doorman got me right in the eye.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Roz, but it was every man for himself and this jacket is Armani.

NILES

Isn't it rather late there now? Shouldn't you be getting your beauty sleep? No, I don't think you need it. You're the most attractive mother of any girlfriend I've ever had. No, I'm not hitting on you.

DAPHNE

Give that to me.

SHE TAKES THE PHONE OFF NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Listen Mum. You've been talking his ear off for so long, his eyes have glazed over. I have to hang up now. Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost on your phone bill? What do you mean you reversed the charges?

FRASIER

She did what?

DAPHNE

Goodbye Mother. Yes I know I'm the most ungrateful, selfish, horrible daughter in the world. That's just not true. I would not do a dance on your grave.

MARTIN

Give that to me.

MARTIN TAKES THE PHONE AND HANGS UP

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Was that so hard?

NILES

Her voice is still echoing in my head.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. Was it a pretty nasty conversation?

FRASIER

Apart from accusing me of leading her little girl astray and using several choice expressions only half of which I understood for the way I treated Simon, yes she was very nasty.

DAPHNE

I meant Mel and Donny.

ROZ

They weren't that bad in all honesty. But it had a knock on effect.

FRASIER

After that every Tom, Dick and Harry phoned the show to tell me what a horrible person I am. They were screaming at me, saying how they thought that my advice stunk like twelve-week-old road kill.

NILES

I'm sorry Frasier.

FRASIER

Apart from my job being in jeopardy I went to Nervosa before I drove home and perfect strangers were hitting me with their umbrellas. One lady nearly had my eye out and she would of as well if I hadn't hung her umbrella on a tree branch out of her reach. Then Mrs. Richmond attacked me in the elevator. She was whipping the back of my head with a towel.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

So will Mrs. Richmond when she gets out of the shower and realises that she used no fabric softener on her laundry. It was like a big sheet of sandpaper being thrashed against my skull.

MARTIN

When have you ever touched sandpaper?

FRASIER

You forget I spent a week at a wood working class in school.

MARTIN

Oh yeah that's right. You kept complaining that your hands felt like you'd been rubbing them up a cheese grater.

NILES

It was the same week that Mom's hand moisturiser went missing.

FRASIER

Well anyway, with any luck this thing will just run its course. Our listeners won't leave us. They need us. Isn't that right Roz?

NILES

Especially the ones with obsessive compulsive disorder.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER KENNY

FRASIER

Oh hi Kenny.

KENNY

Hello Doc. Roz. An interesting show today guys. We've had more complaints today then when Bulldog had that schizophrenic, bisexual cheerleader and part time Nun on his show.

FRASIER

Yes, I know Kenny and I can't apologise enough.

ROZ

It was a slip on my part to allow them on the air but I didn't recognise their voices over the phone.

FRASIER

I know that I shouldn't be bringing my personal problems to work with me. But on this occasion I can't be blamed because I didn't bring them, they followed me.

ROZ

Who knew the audience was going to react like that. But we're sure that our audience base won't leave us, they've been with us through sticky patches before.

KENNY

This is more than a sticky patch. It's like you've been rolling in a mixture of treacle and super glue. And all the listeners wanted to do is throw feathers at you.

ROZ

That's great they want to throw feathers at Frasier but I get hit in the eye with rotten vegetables.

FRASIER

Trust me Kenny, I don't think this reaction will last long.

KENNY

Let me put this in Layman's terms. If people don't trust your advice, they're not going to call in to the show. If no ones calling, no ones listening, not even you. Which means the end of the line for your show.

FRASIER

I see where this is headed.

ROZ

What? If we don't get our audience back after this we loose our jobs.

KENNY

Thankfully that's not the case.

FRASIER

What do you mean?

KENNY

You had a record number of callers on the show today. The phone lines have been going crazy ever since. People calling to tell you off, people still calling for your advice, even if most of them are real wackjobs.

NILES

And they're the core of the audience.

FRASIER

You mean they still love us.

KENNY

Apart from the ones who hate you one. Either way they're still listening. As long as it stays that way, I don't have a problem.

FRASIER

Oh Kenny that's wonderful news.

KENNY

I wanted to tell you in person because I knew you'd both be worrying. I must get going, dinner with the in-laws. Bye guys.

EXIT KENNY

ROZ

Thank God.

FRASIER

I think this calls for a celebratory drink, don't you?

ROZ

Amen to that.

FRASIER

Would you guys like to join us? My treat.

MARTIN

Sorry, I'm going over to Duke's.

FRASIER

How about you two?

DAPHNE

I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once.

NILES

I'll tag along if you don't mind.

DAPHNE

I said I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once.

NILES

Oh. Oh I get it. On second thoughts Frasier I think I have other plans.

FRASIER

It's just us then. After you.

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT. THROUGH THE DOOR FRASIER CAN STILL BE HEARD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond stop hitting me.

AS THE SHOUTING CONTINUES WE:

END OF ACT TWO