Hello again and welcome to my second instalment of my alternative season eight. I was a little hesitant about posting anymore (not much confidence you see, well obviously I've got enough confidence to go out of the house and from time to time I do speak to other people but then inevitably I recoil back into my shell with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin) but after the feedback that I've received for 'The Bride, The Gloom, The Boyfriend and his Strife' how could I not post it. I have received dozens of e-mails about it and have been extremely grateful for the comments made. I have tried to respond to the comments made but I apologise if I haven't sent you a reply, I promise to do better next time. I hope you enjoy episode two. If you do then once again please let me know at kelly_simba@hotmail.com.
Once again I do not own any of these characters apart from the radio callers which came off the top of my head - not literally of course because firstly how would they fit and secondly with all that added weight of people actually standing on my head can you imagine how short I would be!
Alternative Season Eight Episode Two
I Just Called To Say -------!
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Mel, Eddie)
FRASIER AND ROZ ON ONE SIDE AND NILES AND DAPHNE ON THE OTHER SIT AT THE TABLE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW AND THE DOOR.
ROZ
Daphne I actually saw Donny last night.
DAPHNE
Really?
NILES
How much of him did you see?
ROZ
Very amusing. But with what you've been up to lately I think you should keep you big pie hole shut.
DAPHNE
What did he want?
ROZ
Just a shoulder to cry on. We were talking for hours, I tried to comfort him as he looked for answers.
DAPHNE
What time did he leave?
ROZ
About one o'clock.
FRASIER
Only an hour ago, well no one can say you don't provide a service.
ROZ
One o'clock last night. I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're thinking.
NILES
From what I hear you actually sleep with very few men. You have to keep the traffic moving or there'll be bumper to bumper jams outside your apartment. Do you get them to clock in and out or do you pin up a rotor?
ROZ KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE
ROZ
I tried to explain what had happened and he left a much calmer, saner person. I wouldn't be surprised if he called and asked to see you.
FRASIER
How do you feel about that Daphne? Seeing Donny again.
DAPHNE
After the way he spoke to us, I never want to see him again.
FRASIER
He was hurt though Daphne.
DAPHNE
I know. Maybe if I speak to him, it might give me some closure as well as him. It might stop me from feeling guilty if he's starting to come to terms with what's happened.
NILES LOOKS VISUALLY UPSET AT THIS NEWS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh pull your face straight. I've made my decision, I'm happy. I love you, not him. I don't know how many times I've got to tell you that.
NILES
I'll tell you when.
FRASIER
How about you Niles? Have you thought about going to see Mel again?
NILES
The way she's behaving I don't want to see her. Between her and Donny I don't know if I'm coming or going. My lawyer assures me that there's nothing to worry about. But he's also the same man who hid in a bunker with a year's supply of food when we came into the new millennium. He's only been out a couple of weeks. He keeps talking to a banana but I don't think it's anything to worry about.
FRASIER
Only if you accidentally eat it.
ENTER MARTIN AND EDDIE LOOKING OUT OF BREATH
MARTIN
Quick guys hide.
NILES
Why? Is it the man with the hamster again?
MARTIN
Mel's on her way in. I nearly dropped my cane running away from her. It's a good job I knocked over those trashcans or she would have beaten me here.
DAPHNE
Well what do we do?
NILES
She'll never leave if she sees me here.
FRASIER
Then hide under the table.
DAPHNE
What about me?
ROZ
She'll see Niles isn't here and leave. Just ignore her. If she starts to get aggressive it's four against one. It'll give me the opportunity that I've wanted to slap her.
MARTIN
She's coming.
DAPHNE
Quick get under the table.
NILES
You're joking?
FRASIER
This is no time to argue. Just do it.
NILES
I won't fit and besides it's all sticky.
DAPHNE
I don't care. She'll never leave if she sees you, so get under there.
DAPHNE PUSHES NILES UNDER THE TABLE AND THEN SLIDES ACROSS TO WHERE HE WAS SITTING. MARTIN THEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER SO THAT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MEL. EDDIE SEEING THAT NILES IS ON HIS LEVEL STARTS TO LICK HIS FACE.
NILES
Eddie, get off. Don't lick me, I'm not a piece of Kibble. Dad do something.
MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM ON HIS LAP
FRASIER
Don't let her rattle you Daphne. She's just going to try to get a rise out of you.
MARTIN
That's right, don't let her have the satisfaction.
NILES
Frasier will you get your knee out of my head?
FRASIER
Be quiet she's coming.
NILES
I'm kneeling in a big puddle of something. Eddie have you relieved yourself down here?
DAPHNE
Shhhhh.
ENTER MEL
MEL
Why hello what a surprise it is to see you all here.
FRASIER
Mel.
MEL
I'll cut to the chase, where's Niles?
FRASIER
I've no idea. At work probably.
MEL
He's not I've just been to his office.
FRASIER
Then I really don't know.
MEL
Do you know where he is?
DAPHNE
Sorry, are you talking to me?
MEL
I don't see another home wrecker here. What am I saying? Sorry I didn't see you there Roz.
DAPHNE
I don't know where he is. I don't keep him under foot.
MEL
Maybe he's become board of you. Off to find someone who doesn't rub an old man's ass for money. That's one step off some kind of perverted prostitution you know.
DAPHNE
I suppose so.
DAPHNE STARTS TO LAUGH
MEL
Did I say something that amused you?
DAPHNE
Not at all.
DAPHNE LAUGHS AGAIN
MEL
I'm so glad to know that breaking up a marriage is such fun. Maybe I should try it.
DAPHNE
I'm sorry but I have something tickling my foot.
DAPHNE KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE
NILES
Ouch!
MARTIN
Ouch my hip is really painful today.
MEL
Well maybe Dad, it wouldn't be if he hadn't hurdled the hedge in your haste to get here.
MARTIN
I needed to pee.
MEL
Charmed I'm sure. Well this has been fun. But I have to go and see my lawyer, we have a lot of things to discuss, we have a big case coming up. By the way Frasier just a word to the wise, we know.
FRASIER
What are you implying?
MEL
I'm implying nothing. I just thought you'd appreciate a warning. We know what you did.
FRASIER
You're obviously confused Mel.
MEL
No I'm not. I know that you were chatting away to Niles and your little Cinderella here the night before the wedding. How you forced them together. We know about all of it, every sordid little detail.
FRASIER
I'm afraid you're mistaken.
MEL
I don't think so. Donny got this information from a very reliable source.
FRASIER
And what source would that be?
MEL
Roz.
FRASIER
What?
MEL
Are you going to tell him or should I do it?
ROZ
That bastard.
MEL
Yes, it's funny how being dumped at the altar will do that to a perfectly normal person. Donny poured a few drinks down her and she told him everything but the size of her underwear. But from what I hear you tried to show him.
FRASIER
Roz, you didn't?
ROZ
I was just showing him that I didn't have any stretch marks from when I had Alice that's all. Oh you mean about you. Yes, but he was so upset, I thought the truth might help. I didn't know he was just using me. I'm sorry.
FRASIER
Have you learnt nothing from my show?
MEL
She was probably comatose through it, like your listeners.
ROZ
Listen why don't you just jump on your broom and leave us alone. You've had your fun.
MEL
I just want you to know that you'll pay for this Frasier. Mark my words one way or another you will suffer for what you have done to us.
MEL TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS. NILES' PHONE CAN BE HEARD RINGING UNDER THE TABLE AS EVERYONE ELSE CRINGES. YOU CAN HEAR HIM FLIPPING IT OPEN AND PRESSING THE ANSWER BUTTON
MEL (CONT'D)
And that goes double for you.
EXIT MEL
FRASIER
How could you?
ROZ
I'm sorry. I thought it would help him.
DAPHNE
Oh it's going to help him all right. It gives them all the more ammunition.
FRASIER
Oh my God. What are they going to do to me?
MARTIN
I wouldn't worry about it Frasier. It's all talk.
NILES
I hate to interrupt but would someone like to help me out from here? I don't know how much longer I can stand having my head inches away from Dad's crotch.
FRASIER
Sorry Niles.
FRASIER STANDS AND HELPS NILES OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE. NILES STANDS TO SURVEY THE DAMAGE TO HIS SUIT
NILES
Oh look at me. I'm covered in some sort of sticky substance. How am I supposed to get that out?
EDDIE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S LAP AND STARTS TO LICK NILES' KNEECAPS
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh yes dog drawl. How silly of me. You know we should get you to dribble in bottles and sell it at ninety dollars a go as a revolutionary stain remover.
MARTIN
Well I should be getting this guy home. See you later.
MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT
NILES
I'm going to see if I can get this off in the restroom.
NILES EXITS TO THE RESTROOM
FRASIER
Can I get you two ladies another coffee?
ROZ
Please.
DAPHNE
Thank you Dr. Crane.
FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER
ROZ
Now that we're finally alone. Spill. I want to know everything.
DAPHNE
Everything about what?
ROZ
Don't play that game. Niles of course.
DAPHNE
What about him?
ROZ
You know. How is it?
DAPHNE
I wouldn't know.
ROZ
Don't play all coy with me. Tell me.
DAPHNE
I told you. I really wouldn't know.
ROZ
Of no! You mean you're never there long enough to find out. I went with a guy like that once. I could pour a cup of coffee at the same time and not spill a drop. I tried reading just so that I'd have something to do, most of the time I was lucky if I got to the end of a sentence let alone a paragraph.
DAPHNE
No, I mean we haven't.
ROZ
Really? Why not?
DAPHNE
We both agreed that we shouldn't rush into anything. Our relationship has changed, but it will be better for us if it's a gradual change rather than a rapid one.
ROZ
And how is Niles reacting to this?
DAPHNE
He's fine. He agreed with me.
ROZ
Yeah right. You know how horny he is. When Maris would turn him down he would get so desperate he'd turn to soft fruit for pleasure.
DAPHNE
It's just something he's going to have to cope with in the foreseeable future.
AS FRASIER BRINGS OVER THEIR DRINKS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin)
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND FRASIER SITS AT THE DINING TABLE. ENTER NILES.
NILES
Hello you.
DAPHNE
Hi.
THEY GO TO KISS BUT STOP AS THEY NOTICE MARTIN AND FRASIER WATCHING THEM. NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE HALLWAY AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. A BEAT PASSES UNTIL THEY RE-ENTER.
FRASIER
For God's sake you don't have to go out into the hall. It's not like it's a secret conspiracy.
NILES
It's still a little strange.
DAPHNE
We're not ready for an audience yet.
NILES
Besides I keep thinking that you'll yell at me Frasier, from force of habit. If I ever came closer than ten feet from Daphne I could feel your death rays on the back of my head.
FRASIER
It's surprising you don't have permanent holes there.
SFX: PHONE RINGING
DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE
DAPHNE
I'll get it. (INTO PHONE) Hello. Oh mum. Fine, how are you? I know you feel like that. I'm sorry. Look it's not you I left at the altar. I know, I know, the humiliation. Of course we're still together. He's here now. I don't think so. No. No. No. Hold on a second. (TO NILES) She wants to speak to you.
NILES
What does she want to speak to me for?
MARTIN
To tell you off again probably.
NILES
What?
FRASIER
After all you did lead her daughter astray.
DAPHNE
If you could do a Manchurian accent and grew a moustache, you could almost pass as my mother. (INTO PHONE) I know you heard that. You can hear everything I say but you couldn't hear that that bloody bomb that went off in the city centre when you were only a street away. Eating a chocolate éclair does not make you temporally deaf. I don't care what Aunt Mavis says, she keeps a dead budgie in the blender.
FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE HANDS NILES THE PHONE
NILES
Hello Mrs. Moon. I know, I'm sorry.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE AS DAPHNE BEGINS TO TIDY UP THE LUNCH THINGS
DAPHNE
Did you hear from Mel or Donny yesterday?
FRASIER
No. I wish I had though. It makes it worse waiting for the axe to fall.
DAPHNE
I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. I never meant for any of this to happen.
FRASIER
I know you didn't. But this is the price that we have to pay to see you two together. In the long run the inconvenience of the events of late are going to seem minuscule when you consider the future that you have ahead of you. It's worth every misery that Mel and Donny can throw at us if you ask me.
DAPHNE
Even so, I just feel so responsible.
FRASIER
Look at it this way. What could they possible do to me?
DAPHNE
I guess you're right.
FRASIER
Of course I'm right. When am I ever wrong?
DAPHNE
That time you tried to clean behind the back of the fridge. You said you could get you hand behind there. It was too big and you got it stuck.
FRASIER
Oh all right.
DAPHNE
We had to call the fire brigade to move the fridge and pull you out.
FRASIER
OK Daphne.
DAPHNE
I see that fireman from time to time in the pub and we still laugh about it.
FRASIER
I remember Daphne.
DAPHNE
It was probably so funny because it when you were unemployed and putting on all that weight. The only pair of trousers that you could get into were in the wash so you were wearing that towel around your waist.
FRASIER
That's enough now Daphne.
DAPHNE
It looked as if you were wearing some sort of giant nappy, like a sumo wrestler.
FRASIER
All right Daphne.
DAPHNE
Except it was that pink towel with the flowers on. So it made you look like a sumo wrestler in drag.
FRASIER
All right Daphne.
DAPHNE
I wish I'd have had a camera. Especially when Eddie tried to run off with it while the firemen were pulling your legs to get you free.
FRASIER
Look why don't go and sit with Niles. It doesn't feel right for you to be cleaning up after me now that you're dating Niles.
DAPHNE
Are you firing me?
FRASIER
Of course not. I'm just saying that you don't need to do as much as you usually do. It's time for Dad and I to begin to do things for ourselves. Now go and relax.
DAPHNE
With pleasure.
FRASIER
But before you do that will you run the washing down stairs for me? And I need you to go to the store for me.
DAPHNE
You're really lightening my workload. Are you sure you don't want me to carry you to work on me back like a bleedin' Sherpa?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
NILES IS SAT ON THE COUCH STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE. MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER
NILES
(INTO PHONE) As nice as this has been Mrs. Moon and believe me I really would like to talk more but this is not my phone, I have to get back to work and without wanting to appear rude or boorish I have to use the bathroom. Yes it's a cordless phone but I… I know I have two hands. Yes Mrs. Moon. Really? Well you should see a doctor about that. No, it's not really my field. Yes I did go to medical school.
NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AS HE CONTINUES TO TALK ON THE PHONE. ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
This is not fair. He's never going to get off the phone. Talk to her won't you Daph?
DAPHNE
There are two options here. Either I take the phone off Niles and end up having to talk to her myself for an hour about every ache and pain that she had ever had, which by the way are all my fault because I was the most difficult labour that she went through. Or I could do as Dr. Crane has asked me and go to the store to pick up a few odds and ends and also some beer because you've run out.
MARTIN
So basically the decision here is beer or no beer.
ENTER FRASIER FROM KITCHEN
FRASIER
Shouldn't that be to beer or not to beer. That is the question.
MARTIN AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AT FRASIER IN SILENCE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Well I'm off to work.
AFTER PICKING UP HIS COAT FRASIER EXITS
DAPHNE
But fine if you want me to rescue your son then I'll do it.
MARTIN
Have you got some money?
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane just gave me some.
MARTIN
Then why are you still here?
NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM STILL ON THE PHONE. DAPHNE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK
DAPHNE
See you later.
AS DAPHNE EXITS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(C)
TITLE CARD:'AH YES, BUT WOULD SHE REMEMBER HER OWN NAME?'
FADE IN:
INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Mel (V.O.), Donny (V.O.))
ROZ IS ARRANGING SOME FLOWERS IN A VASE ON HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Hi Roz. Wow what beautiful flowers. Who are they from?
ROZ
Donny.
FRASIER
I knew you slept with him.
ROZ
I did not. Here read the card.
FRASIER
Do I really want to?
ROZ
Just read it wise ass.
FRASIER
(READING THE CARD)'To my little mole. Thankyou for your help. I'd love to try to find your stretch marks some other time. Donny.' Well isn't this just perfect. You get a bunch of flowers for getting drunk and stealing nearly the whole hotel supply of bathroom toiletries and I get God knows what catastrophe hanging over my head for being a good Samaritan.
ROZ
Hey, do you think doing that was easy. Having ninety-percent alcohol and ten percent blood in your veins and still being able to have a fairly intelligent conversation is not an easy thing to do.
FRASIER
Oh yes you're right. You really do have a gift. You should be the eighth wonder of the world. Tourists will come from all around the world to ply you with liquor and discuss matter and anti-matter with you.
FRASIER EXITS TO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES
ROZ
Bite me. You're on in ten seconds.
FRASIER
Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. So without further adieu let's get to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one?
ROZ
We have Mabel calling from Tacoma.
FRASIER
Hello Mabel. I'm listening.
MEL
Hello Dr. Crane. I'm calling about my husband.
FRASIER
What seems to be the trouble?
MEL
You see he left me for another woman after only three days of marriage.
FRASIER
I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. And you're struggling to come to terms with it?
MEL
A long cry and a bottle of Prozac later, I still have murder on my mind but my bitterness has currently been redirected at the person who started it all.
ROZ SUDDENLY REALISES THAT IT'S MEL AND STARTS FRANTICALLY WAVING HER ARMS AT FRASIER TO GET HIS ATTENTION
FRASIER
(TO ROZ) What is the matter with you?
ROZ
It's Mel.
FRASIER
Don't be ridiculous. (TO THE CALLER) The person who started it? Would this be the other woman? Did she make the first advance?
MEL
No it's my brother-in-law.
FRASIER
(TO ROZ) Oh my God it is Mel.
ROZ
I told you.
MEL
You see my dear sweet new brother-in-law couldn't help but stick his big nose in and ruin my life just because he thought it would be nice to see his brother shacked up with his whore. So what should I do Dr. Crane? Because you're advice seems to work out so well for all parties involved.
FRASIER
Mel?
MEL
Why Frasier you really should be a detective instead of a DJ, my cover has been blown.
FRASIER
I think this is a discussion for private not for public knowledge.
MEL
Why? Are you frightened? Scared that your beloved fans, or sad freaks as they are commonly known, might find out the truth.
FRASIER
Mel I really don't…
MEL
Because do you know what he did people of Seattle? Your wonderful Dr. Crane, the person you turn to for advice. Not only did he get his brother to leave me after three days of marriage but his…
FRASIER CUTS MEL OFF
FRASIER
I'm sorry we seem to have lost Mel there. If you're still listening Mel, I'll speak to you later. Roz, who do we have next?
ROZ
On line two we have Danny from Kirkland.
FRASIER
Hello Danny. I'm list…
DONNY
You're listening? Damn straight you're going to listen.
FRASIER
Danny I really don't think an aggressive manner is going to help me to help you.
DONNY
You want to help me?
FRASIER
Well of course I do. That's what I'm here for.
ONCE AGAIN ROZ STARTS TO WAVE HER ARMS LIKE CRAZY AS SHE REALISES THAT SHE'S LET DONNY ON THE AIR
DONNY
Like you helped Niles to leave Mel? Like you helped Daphne to make up her mind to leave me at the altar? That kind of help?
FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ THROUGH THE GLASS AS SHE CRINGES
FRASIER
Donny?
DONNY
You have ruined my life. The only pleasure that I have left is making sure that Mel gets every single penny in the divorce. Do you think Niles will thankyou then?
FRASIER
Donny this really isn't the time or the place.
DONNY
KACL listeners, Dr. Crane here talked my fiancée into leaving me at the altar so she could do the nasty up with his brother. His so-called advice led to the break up of two marriages.
FRASIER
Donny, as I have told you. I know how much this hurts. I was left at the altar as well. I've been through that pain. But trust me the scars will fade in time.
DONNY
I trust you Frasier but will anyone else? A call in shows not much good if no one calls in because they know what can happen if they take your advice.
FRASIER
Donny this really…
DONNY
What are you going to do Frasier? Hang up on me like you did to Mel? We can't be brushed under that carpet all that easily Frasier. We're here for the long term and we're going to make sure that everyone knows what you've done. So enjoy your career while you still have one.
DONNY HANGS UP
FRASIER
And on that, I think it's time to go for a commercial while I find myself a new call screener.
ROZ RUNS INTO FRASIER'S BOOTH AS HE GOES OFF THE AIR
ROZ
Oh my God Frasier I'm so sorry. They sounded different when I spoke to them.
FRASIER
What is the matter with you?
ROZ
I'm sorry. I guess I left my brain at home today.
FRASIER
Left it at home? Are you sure you didn't put it in the blender and hit puree?
ROZ
I'll be more careful from now on. I'll know to filter them out from the other callers.
FRASIER
If we have anymore callers. After what's just happened I'll be surprised if anyone other than Hank with the imaginary friend calls us again. They are effectively trying to end my career and all because I tried to do the right thing.
AS ROZ GOES BACK TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD:'A LESSON IN COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG -
DOG AND BONE = TELEPHONE'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Niles, Martin, Eddie, Mrs. Moon (V.O.))
NILES SITS ON THE COUCH STILL ON THE PHONE WITH EDDIE LYING NEXT TO HIM
NILES
Yes Mrs. Moon. I promise to take care of her. I'd never do that. Well yes I did leave my wife for Daphne but that is the only time that I will ever do that. And of course I would hate for you to kill me. Oh really? Is it itching again?
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHICH IS ENDED AS NILES STANDS UP AND PUTS THE PHONE NEXT TO EDDIE'S EAR
NILES (CONT'D)
Eddie, bark if she stops talking.
NILES GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN. AS THE REACHES THE DOORWAY EDDIE BARKS. NILES RUSHES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE PHONE
NILES (CONT'D)
I'm so… Sorry carry on. (TO EDDIE) That wasn't funny.
ENTER MARTIN
MARTIN
You're not still talking to her?
NILES COVERS UP THE MOUTHPIECE
NILES
No. She's talking, I'm just listening. Are my ears bleeding?
MARTIN
Why don't you hang up on her?
NILES
I don't want to appear rude. After what's happened I think it's best to try to give her a good impression.
MARTIN
Put her on speakerphone, then you don't have to carry that thing around.
NILES
That's a good point.
NILES WALKS TO THE PHONE AND SWITCHES ON THE SPEAKERPHONE
MRS. MOON
Then I squeezed it, and I guess it was a kind of dark brown liquid. It bloody hurt I can tell you that much. I'm not really sure if it was a boil or something else. It can't have been too serious or else it wouldn't have burst that quickly.
MARTIN GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE SPEAKERPHONE AND HANDS THE PHONE BACK TO NILES
MARTIN
I've had enough of that.
NILES
But Dad?
MARTIN
We all have to make sacrifices son. Even if it means sacrificing your sanity.
NILES
Then let me have it on speakerphone.
MARTIN
We're sacrificing your sanity not mine. I've had in-laws, I don't really want another set. Your Grandfather tried to strip search me every time I called on your mother. And your Grandmother, wow, lets just say once I got my badge I had to get your mother to lock up my gun for her own safety.
AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE TALKED AT WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Audrey (V.O.), Brain (V.O.), Mary (V.O.), Hank (V.O.))
FRASIER IS ON THE LINE TO A CALLER AS ROZ BANGS HER HEAD AGAINST THE GLASS
FRASIER
Listen Audrey. There is not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.
AUDREY
But you ended two marriages.
FRASIER
I did not end two marriages. It was only one, Daphne and Donny never got married.
AUDREY
Because of you.
FRASIER
Audrey, do you want to talk about your problem or not.
AUDREY
Or not. My husband may be a homosexual part-time prostitute but after knowing what your advice can lead to I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
FRASIER
Then why are you on the air?
AUDREY
I was already on the line and I didn't want to be rude and hang up, but I've suddenly had a change of heart.
AUDREY HANGS UP
FRASIER
Thankyou Audrey it's saved me the job of cutting you off. Right whose next?
BRIAN
Dr. Crane what you have done is disgraceful.
FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP
FRASIER
Thankyou. And on line four we have?
ROZ
Mary.
FRASIER
Hello Mary. I'm listening but depending on what you have to say I may not be for much longer.
MARY
Dr. Crane, do you know the difference between right and wrong?
FRASIER
Yes I do Mary.
MARY
Then why did you do that to them?
FRASIER
I don't really think that this is any of your business.
MARY
It wasn't your business to stick your big hooter in but you did and look what happened.
FRASIER
Yes, let's examine what exactly happened. I made my brother and my very good friend happy. I rescued them from doomed relationships with people that they didn't really love and brought them together. Now I ask you, is this a crime? Am I to be punished for the rest of my days for doing what in the long run will be considered the right thing to do by all parties?
MARY
Yes.
FRASIER
Then goodbye Mary.
FRASIER HANGS UP
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Now will you stop calling about this subject, you don't even know the people involved and to be fair you wouldn't want to know them. If you saw Mel in the street you first instinct would be to tie her to a stake and burn her. I'm asking you now to not judge me on this matter. After all have I judged you over the last eight years of my show? Even when I've been faced with the most appalling stories have I ever turned on you? Forget for the moment about the woman who killed her husband and buried him in the garden because he couldn't spell gibbon. Apart from that lady who have I ever judged and pointed the finger at? I would just like you all to bare that in mind before you call the show. All right Roz, whose next?
ROZ
We have Hank on line one.
FRASIER
Hello Hank. I'm listening.
HANK
Hello Dr. Crane. I'm not a first time caller. You see we've spoken before. Do you remember?
FRASIER
Hank with the imaginary friend Hank?
HANK
Like I told you last time Dr. Crane he's not imaginary. He has a job and a family. A wife and a daughter.
FRASIER
Oh she had the baby did she?
HANK
She sure did. And I helped to deliver it.
FRASIER
You did?
HANK
That's right because you see at the time I was the only one there. I had to use a pair of hedge trimmers to cut the umbilical cord and I didn't have any blankets so I wrapped her in aluminium foil.
FRASIER
Please don't tell me you basted her then. How many times do I have to tell you this? Gordon does not exist. He is not a movie star turned astronaut who lives in your broom closet with his family and a pod of whales.
HANK
Dr. Crane! How can you say such things?
HANK BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY
FRASIER
Roz couldn't you have got me anyone else. I'd take a forest troll with an identity crisis at the moment.
ROZ
It was either Hank, the guy who puts ferrets in his pants as entertainment or a whole heap of angry people waiting to hurl abuse.
FRASIER
It's quite a slice of heaven I've got for myself here. I'm sorry to cut our conversation short Hank but we're all out of time. Once again stay on the line and we will give you some numbers of people you can call about Gordon. This is Dr. Crane saying I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not mowed down on the way home.
ROZ ENTERS FRASIER SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I don't believe this is happening. I've hung up on more people today that a medieval executioner.
ROZ
Oh Frasier don't feel too bad. After all I am partly to blame.
FRASIER
Partly?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
I'm sorry I don't think I heard that right. Did you say partly? You are partly to blame.
ROZ
You heard right.
FRASIER
That's like saying Hitler was partly to blame for World War Two.
ROZ
Hay don't get snippy with me. My career is going down the pan as well as yours you know.
FRASIER
I'm sorry Roz. We have to be positive. This isn't going to stop us. Our jobs are still safe.
ROZ
Yeah about as safe as running into a lion pen with a dead antelope around your shoulders.
FRASIER
You're right. We're in hell.
ON THEIR CONCERNED GLANCES WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD:'DOESN'T EVERY TEN YEAR OLD USED HAND CREAM?'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - NIGHT/2
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Kenny)
NILES IS LYING ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH THE PHONE RESTING ON HIS EAR. MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION. ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS
MARTIN
Hay Daph.
DAPHNE
Oh my God is he still on the phone to my mother?
MARTIN
Yes. He dozed off about fifteen minutes ago. I don't know if she's still on the line, I didn't want to move the phone in case I woke him.
DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES AND BEGINS TO GENTLY PROD HIM TO WAKE HIM UP
DAPHNE
Niles, Niles.
NILES WAKES WITH A START, IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE PHONE AND SITS UPRIGHT. HE IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AND DISORIENTED
NILES
What? Huh. Yes, Mrs. Moon. I'm still here
DAPHNE
Is that still my mother?
NILES
I really have to go now. Yes I know I tried that one earlier. But this time it's true. Yes I know I said that last time as well.
MARTIN
Where have you been Daphne? It's been almost four hours.
DAPHNE
Looking for your bloody beer. When they said they were going to stop making it they weren't kidding.
MARTIN
Did you have trouble finding it?
DAPHNE
Trouble is not the word. It's probably easy to find the Holy Grail then it is to find a six pack of Ballentine. I think people are beginning to stock up for when they stop production. I did eventually find some although I had to fight for it. I managed to snatch it from under the nose of this old man while I distracted his good eye with an amusingly shaped potato I found.
FRASIER CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING FROM THE HALLWAY
FRASIER
For God's sake Mrs. Richmond. You were the one who was comforting Daphne in the elevator so don't start on me.
ENTER FRASIER
MARTIN
Is everything all right Frasier?
FRASIER
No, everything is not all right. I'm just having one of your average days in hell. All I need now is to not have sex tonight and it will qualify as the most God-awful day in history.
MARTIN
Well I think you're pretty much guaranteed that.
DAPHNE
I'll say. I'd be surprised if you even remembered what to do with a woman.
FRASIER
What's that expression? It's just like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget.
MARTIN
It's just a pity you've never been able to ride a bike without stabilisers, a helmet and kneepads.
FRASIER
Well thankyou both very much for making my perfect day just that little bit more exceptional.
NILES
No that's my brother Mrs. Moon.
FRASIER
You're not still on the phone to her?
NILES
Frasier keep your voice down.
FRASIER
Give me the phone.
FRASIER SNATCHES THE PHONE OUT OF HIS HAND
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Mrs. Moon, this is Dr. Crane. Yes I know. It was a little bit more complicated then that. No, I don't think that it's appropriate.
FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ROZ ENTERS WITH BITS OF LETTUCE AND TOMATO PIPS OVER HER CLOTHES AND IN HER HAIR
ROZ
Thankyou so much for waiting for me Frasier. When he ran into the elevator everyone in the lobby decided to pelt me with their garbage instead of him. Where is he?
DAPHNE
In the kitchen on the phone to my mother.
MARTIN
What's the matter with you?
ROZ
Hasn't Frasier told you?
MARTIN
Told us what?
ROZ
Don't you ever listen to his show?
MARTIN
Only if I'm having trouble sleeping.
DAPHNE
What's the matter? What's happened?
ROZ
Mel and Donny called the show today and told the whole of Seattle what he did.
MARTIN
So what's the problem?
ROZ
If the story was coming from Niles and Daphne's perspective then there wouldn't be one. But it was Mel and Donny, so it sounded as if Frasier was this wicked, evil, thoughtless home wrecker. That's a direct quote by the way.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN
FRASIER
She wants to speak to you again.
NILES
Tell her I've left.
FRASIER
He's gone… She heard you.
FRASIER HANDS NILES THE PHONE
NILES
Hello Mrs. Moon. I know what I did was wrong.
ROZ
Thanks for holding the elevator for me Frasier. While you were on your way up here I was having tomato's thrown at my head. Your doorman got me right in the eye.
FRASIER
I'm sorry Roz, but it was every man for himself and this jacket is Armani.
NILES
Isn't it rather late there now? Shouldn't you be getting your beauty sleep? No, I don't think you need it. You're the most attractive mother of any girlfriend I've ever had. No, I'm not hitting on you.
DAPHNE
Give that to me.
SHE TAKES THE PHONE OFF NILES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Listen Mum. You've been talking his ear off for so long, his eyes have glazed over. I have to hang up now. Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost on your phone bill? What do you mean you reversed the charges?
FRASIER
She did what?
DAPHNE
Goodbye Mother. Yes I know I'm the most ungrateful, selfish, horrible daughter in the world. That's just not true. I would not do a dance on your grave.
MARTIN
Give that to me.
MARTIN TAKES THE PHONE AND HANGS UP
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Was that so hard?
NILES
Her voice is still echoing in my head.
DAPHNE
I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. Was it a pretty nasty conversation?
FRASIER
Apart from accusing me of leading her little girl astray and using several choice expressions only half of which I understood for the way I treated Simon, yes she was very nasty.
DAPHNE
I meant Mel and Donny.
ROZ
They weren't that bad in all honesty. But it had a knock on effect.
FRASIER
After that every Tom, Dick and Harry phoned the show to tell me what a horrible person I am. They were screaming at me, saying how they thought that my advice stunk like twelve-week-old road kill.
NILES
I'm sorry Frasier.
FRASIER
Apart from my job being in jeopardy I went to Nervosa before I drove home and perfect strangers were hitting me with their umbrellas. One lady nearly had my eye out and she would of as well if I hadn't hung her umbrella on a tree branch out of her reach. Then Mrs. Richmond attacked me in the elevator. She was whipping the back of my head with a towel.
DAPHNE
I'm so sorry Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
So will Mrs. Richmond when she gets out of the shower and realises that she used no fabric softener on her laundry. It was like a big sheet of sandpaper being thrashed against my skull.
MARTIN
When have you ever touched sandpaper?
FRASIER
You forget I spent a week at a wood working class in school.
MARTIN
Oh yeah that's right. You kept complaining that your hands felt like you'd been rubbing them up a cheese grater.
NILES
It was the same week that Mom's hand moisturiser went missing.
FRASIER
Well anyway, with any luck this thing will just run its course. Our listeners won't leave us. They need us. Isn't that right Roz?
NILES
Especially the ones with obsessive compulsive disorder.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER KENNY
FRASIER
Oh hi Kenny.
KENNY
Hello Doc. Roz. An interesting show today guys. We've had more complaints today then when Bulldog had that schizophrenic, bisexual cheerleader and part time Nun on his show.
FRASIER
Yes, I know Kenny and I can't apologise enough.
ROZ
It was a slip on my part to allow them on the air but I didn't recognise their voices over the phone.
FRASIER
I know that I shouldn't be bringing my personal problems to work with me. But on this occasion I can't be blamed because I didn't bring them, they followed me.
ROZ
Who knew the audience was going to react like that. But we're sure that our audience base won't leave us, they've been with us through sticky patches before.
KENNY
This is more than a sticky patch. It's like you've been rolling in a mixture of treacle and super glue. And all the listeners wanted to do is throw feathers at you.
ROZ
That's great they want to throw feathers at Frasier but I get hit in the eye with rotten vegetables.
FRASIER
Trust me Kenny, I don't think this reaction will last long.
KENNY
Let me put this in Layman's terms. If people don't trust your advice, they're not going to call in to the show. If no ones calling, no ones listening, not even you. Which means the end of the line for your show.
FRASIER
I see where this is headed.
ROZ
What? If we don't get our audience back after this we loose our jobs.
KENNY
Thankfully that's not the case.
FRASIER
What do you mean?
KENNY
You had a record number of callers on the show today. The phone lines have been going crazy ever since. People calling to tell you off, people still calling for your advice, even if most of them are real wackjobs.
NILES
And they're the core of the audience.
FRASIER
You mean they still love us.
KENNY
Apart from the ones who hate you one. Either way they're still listening. As long as it stays that way, I don't have a problem.
FRASIER
Oh Kenny that's wonderful news.
KENNY
I wanted to tell you in person because I knew you'd both be worrying. I must get going, dinner with the in-laws. Bye guys.
EXIT KENNY
ROZ
Thank God.
FRASIER
I think this calls for a celebratory drink, don't you?
ROZ
Amen to that.
FRASIER
Would you guys like to join us? My treat.
MARTIN
Sorry, I'm going over to Duke's.
FRASIER
How about you two?
DAPHNE
I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once.
NILES
I'll tag along if you don't mind.
DAPHNE
I said I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once.
NILES
Oh. Oh I get it. On second thoughts Frasier I think I have other plans.
FRASIER
It's just us then. After you.
FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT. THROUGH THE DOOR FRASIER CAN STILL BE HEARD
FRASIER (CONT'D)
For God's sake Mrs. Richmond stop hitting me.
AS THE SHOUTING CONTINUES WE:
END OF ACT TWO