Here I am back again with the third installment of my alternative season eight. For those of you who read 'I Just Called To Say -----!' I hope you enjoyed it. For those of you who haven't read it WHY NOT! Feedback is always appreciated, so if you liked it let me know on kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This was the first fan fic that I wrote, which looking back at it is in the tradition of 'Matchmaker', so I hope no one takes offence at it.
Once again I don't own these characters
apart from Steve and Sally who came from the depths of my insane asylum that I
call my mind.
Alternative Season Eight Episode Three
A Date For Frasier
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Steve)
FRASIER IS SITTING IN THE STUDIO ON THE LINE TO STEVE. ROZ IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS, LOOKING ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED
FRASIER
Even though I fully understand Steve, that it's not you who is skinning the squirrels and putting them in your neighbours mailbox, and it is in fact, Marvin, the little man who lives in your toe. The point is that it's still wrong. Now what I recommend is that you stay on the line and my producer Roz will give you some numbers for some very good psychiatrists who may be able to help Marvin with this problem.
STEVE
But I've told you Dr. Crane. Marvin won't go to see a psychiatrist. The only time that he comes out of my toe is to skin the squirrels.
FRASIER
If that's the case then Steve, why don't you go to see a psychiatrist and Marvin has no choice but to go because he's in your toe.
STEVE
What if he realises what I'm doing and tries to escape?
FRASIER
Then I recommend you tie your shoes up extra tight. Thank you for your call.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE AS ROZ TAPS THE GLASS PARTITION
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I'm getting the signal from Roz to say that our time is up. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL 780 wishing you all a good day and good mental health.
ROZ ENTERS FRASIER'S BOOTH
ROZ
Has every loony been given access to a phone today?
FRASIER
Well at least it wasn't as bad as yesterday and that guy who used his dead uncle as a scarecrow. But anyway, when are you going to the airport?
ROZ
In an hour. Her plane lands at six - fifteen.
FRASIER
You be sure to wish your cousin the very best from me.
ROZ
I will. I can't tell you how excited I am. It's been that long since I've seen Sally, she hasn't even met Alice.
FRASIER
I'm sure you'll have a great time this weekend.
ROZ
I hope so. I just don't know what I'm going to do with her.
FRASIER
I'm sure you'll think of something.
FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE
ROZ
Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you meet up with us tomorrow, you can meet Sally. You'd really like her.
FRASIER
If this is another attempt to palm me off on to one of your relatives then I…
ROZ
Graciously accept?
FRASIER
No, I was going to say then I have disappointing news for you.
ROZ
Oh come on Frasier. She's attractive, in good shape and she's related to me. What more could you ask for?
FRASIER
Those are the very same words that you uttered the last time you set me up with a member of your family.
ROZ
I'll admit that setting you up with Jane was a mistake. She was just a little…
FRASIER
Insane?
ROZ
I was going to say nervous. She gets a little unsettled around attractive men.
FRASIER
Your attempts to flatter me aside, there is no way I'm going out with your cousin. After eventually bribing Jane out from the coat rack with a bottle of white wine she spent the next hour flicking the lettuce out of my salad because it frightened her.
ROZ
I was only thinking of you. After all with your track record, I don't know why you don't shave your head and join a monastery.
FRASIER
I'm not listening.
FRASIER GOES TO EXIT
ROZ
She once entered the Miss. World pageant.
FRASIER
Shall we say coffee tomorrow and dinner at my place on Sunday?
ROZ
It's a deal. Can I bring anything?
FRASIER
Just your cousin.
FRASIER EXITS
ROZ
I have some bad news for you. She's no where near as horny as you are.
AS ROZ CONTINUES TO FINISH UP IN THE BOOTH WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress)
NILES IS SITTING BY THE WINDOW AS FRASIER ENTERS
NILES
Afternoon Frasier.
FRASIER
Hi. (TO WAITRESS) A latte please. So did you get the tickets?
NILES
I certainly did. The opera event of the season, they came in the mail this morning. Two tickets to Puccini's Madame Butterfly.
NILES HANDS FRASIER THE TICKETS
FRASIER
Niles, have you looked at these tickets?
NILES
I know three rows from the front. We're going to be practically spat on. Which normally I'd be horrified about, but what the hell its Placido Domingo.
FRASIER
We're three rows from the edge of the rink.
NILES
I didn't know he could skate.
FRASIER
Mad Man Butterfly.
NILES
What?
FRASIER
You've bought us two tickets to the ice skating, musical prequel to 'The Silence of The Lambs'.
NILES
That's not possible.
FRASIER
Of course it's not. You normally get a free plastic half eaten butterfly when you attend the opera. I've nearly got the complete set now.
NILES
I don't believe this. They must have misunderstood me at the ticket office.
FRASIER
You mean you didn't really want to go to this show?
NILES
What do I do with them now?
FRASIER
Give them to Dad, I'm sure he'll love it.
NILES
But he'll insist on one of us going and when we both say no, he'll take Daphne and that means I'll have to get another ticket so that I can be with her.
FRASIER
I know then. Give them to Roz.
NILES
As much as I dislike Roz, I'm not sure I want to inflict this on her.
FRASIER
Her cousin, Sally, is flying in this weekend and she has no idea what she's going to do to entertain her. I've already agreed to meet them for coffee tomorrow and then for dinner at my place. Roz thinks we may hit it off.
NILES
Are you sure, you want to date a Doyle?
FRASIER
I'm not saying I want to date anyone, I haven't even met the woman. I'm just saying that…
NILES
You're currently horny and desperate enough to get your hopes up about your friend's cousin, a woman you've never met.
FRASIER
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
NILES
Oh come on Frasier.
FRASIER
Oh come on nothing. You know how hard it is to meet available, attractive, single women in Seattle these days.
NILES
I've never had that much trouble. After all I do have a girlfriend.
FRASIER
And not to mention a wife.
NILES
And yet you mentioned it.
FRASIER
So how are things going with Mel?
NILES
She's going to bleed me dry. She's refusing to cooperate. I keep asking her if she'll meet me so we can discuss it and maybe reach some sort of settlement. She says the only place she'll meet me is in hell after she's butchered me. I should just get prepared now to go to court.
FRASIER
You should be prepared to give up a lot Niles, you know how good a lawyer Donny is. One thing for certain Daphne's not going to enjoy being questioned by Donny on the stand about your sex life.
NILES
She has nothing to fear there. All she has to do is tell the truth.
FRASIER
I'm not sure I'm going to want to hear that.
NILES
Frasier, nothing like that's going on between us.
FRASIER
It's not?
NILES
No. Apart from not wanting to rush things, Daphne and I thought that it would be better if Mel could definitely not get me for adultery. So that part of our relationship has been put on hold.
FRASIER
In other words Daphne's put it on hold and you keep getting a busy signal.
NILES
No matter how many times I redial I get the same response. Maybe I'm not hitting the right combination of buttons. But saying that our relationship is going further. I don't feel self-conscious about someone watching us anymore. Anytime I like I can just kiss her. It's becoming a lot more comfortable.
FRASIER
Too comfortable if you ask me.
NILES
What do you mean?
FRASIER
Niles, this morning at breakfast you practically had your tongue down her throat.
NILES
So we get carried away some times. Is it a crime?
FRASIER
When Dad and I are eating breakfast, yes. I know a snails pace is hard but just remember, it's for the best. This would all have been a lot easier, if you'd have listen to us in the first place about Mel.
NILES
It was your advice that I took in the first place.
FRASIER
I didn't tell you to marry her. The four of us told you we didn't like her at that brunch.
NILES
I know. I should have ended it then.
FRASIER
What a fabulous idea.
NILES
It's all right to say that now.
FRASIER
No, I mean a brunch.
NILES
What for?
FRASIER
For Sally.
NILES
Who?
FRASIER
Roz's cousin. It's friendlier then a formal dinner and I get a chance to see if the Dairy State is as delicious as I hope it is.
NILES
Or alternatively she could turn out to be a real cow.
FRASIER
She could be a wonderful woman for all you know.
NILES
Oh Frasier, pull the udder one.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Sally, Alice)
FRASIER IS BUSY PREPARING THE FOOD WHILE MARTIN FEEDS EDDIE
MARTIN
Jeez, I hate these things.
FRASIER
It's just brunch with Roz's cousin Dad, it's not dinner with the Queen.
MARTIN
The last one we had was a real bust.
FRASIER
This time there will be no Mel and Daphne won't be liquored up to your eyelids.
DAPHNE ENTERS
DAPHNE
I heard that. I've already told you father, I wasn't drunk when Mel came over.
FRASIER
That's very true. You were perfectly sober when Mel arrived.
DAPHNE
Thankyou.
FRASIER
It was after she left that you could barely stand up.
MARTIN
So what's she like anyway?
FRASIER
I met her for coffee yesterday with Roz and she's lovely. Absolutely gorgeous and so interesting.
MARTIN
So what would she want with you?
FRASIER
Ha, ha, yes that's very funny Dad.
DAPHNE
What does she do?
FRASIER
She's a taxidermist.
MARTIN
Thanks for the warning. I can hide Eddie before she gets here.
DAPHNE
Hoping a little romance will bloom then are we Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
Well we seemed to hit it off pretty well yesterday.
DAPHNE
But she's going home tomorrow.
FRASIER
Well I have to start somewhere. I just need to get a little nibble on the hook and then I can reel her in. She'll be back in Seattle before she knows it.
MARTIN
Did you know you were just talking about fishing?
FRASIER
Just set the table.
MARTIN EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE
I'll get it.
DAPHNE EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS
NILES
Hello you.
DAPHNE
Hi Niles.
PUTTING HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Laugh and I'll kill you.
NILES
(MUMBLING UNDER HER HAND) OK
THEY KISS
NILES (CONT'D)
I got you something.
PRODUCING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK
DAPHNE
Thankyou. They're beautiful. I'll just pop them in some water.
MARTIN
Hiya Niles.
EXIT DAPHNE TO KITCHEN
NILES
Hi Dad. What are you doing?
MARTIN
Setting the table.
NILES
Frasier's hoping to get somewhere with this woman.
MARTIN
I know.
NILES
Well just be prepared for him to re-do the table.
MARTIN
Why?
NILES
You know Frasier. He'll have his ruler and table map out in a minute to make sure that each piece of silver wear is at a ninety degree angle and exactly one inch away from the mat with each glass centred in the middle prong of the fork.
MARTIN
You see, that's were I've been going wrong all my life, I didn't realise that the way to a woman's heart was in the measurement of a fork. And they have always said that size doesn't matter.
NILES
Yes very funny. But you watch he'll change it all when he comes out here.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE
Are you sure you don't need any help Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
I promised Sally that I would do it all myself and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I don't want to scare her off with your god awful cooking… I mean God sent cooking. If you do everything she'll think that I have no culinary skills of my own.
DAPHNE
I'll remember that when you want your breakfast in the morning.
FRASIER
Why don't you just enjoy yourself? Relax, spend some time with Niles.
DAPHNE
You're not going to have to twist my arm.
DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER
You're not going to have to twist mine to not let you cook.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND SITS DOWN IN MARTIN'S CHAIR. NILES REMAINS STANDING
DAPHNE
What's the matter? Aren't you going to sit with me?
NILES
How about just a loving wave from over here.
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
NILES
Nothing. Oh look a lovely suede couch. Why don't you join me over here?
MARTIN
It's the chair. He won't sit in it.
NILES
That's not true. I've sat on the arm.
DAPHNE
Come here.
NILES
What for?
DAPHNE
You're going to sit in the chair.
NILES
But I really don't want to.
DAPHNE
It's time for you to bond with it. You won't catch anything off it.
NILES
That's coincidental because you won't catch me in that chair either.
SHE KISSES HIM TO DISTRACT HIM AND THEN PUSHES HIM DOWN INTO THE CHAIR
NILES (CONT'D)
Well that was great.
MARTIN
You have to sit in it longer than a second to fully appreciate it.
NILES
Oh I appreciate it all right. I appreciate the fact that I don't have to sit in it.
HE GETS UP OUT OF THE CHAIR
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake.
SHE PUSHES HIM BACK DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND THEN SITS ON TOP OF HIM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Is that better?
NILES
You know, I'm beginning to warm to it. I can definitely see the point you're making.
DAPHNE
So can I.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN
FRASIER
Oh Dad, couldn't you have set the table properly? She's going to be here in a minute.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE
ROZ
It's so nice of Frasier to have us over like this.
SALLY
Yes it is.
ROZ
It's because he's such a nice guy. He's so funny. He's going to love to see Alice. He's so good with children. Did I mention he was a doctor?
SALLY
I gathered that he was, been as he's a psychiatrist with his own show.
ROZ
That's right, he has his own show on the radio, did you know that?
SALLY
Once again, I understood that, when for the last seven years you've wrote about working on his show in your letters.
ROZ
Of course, it must have slipped my mind.
SALLY
What is wrong with you today?
ROZ
Nothing. I'm just excited to see Frasier, because you know he is such a wonderful guy but I guess you noticed that when you met his yesterday.
SALLY
Are you in love with him or something?
ROZ
No, of course not. Why would you think that?
SALLY
Because you've done nothing but talk about him since I got off the plane.
ROZ
All right fine, I was just trying to sell him to you. I think you two would really hit it off.
SALLY
You're trying to set me up with Frasier? Your Boss?
ROZ
Yes. I know this must make him look really pathetic but underneath that he's actually a really great guy.
THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
THEY EXIT OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND ROZ RINGS THE DOORBELL
SALLY
You don't know do you?
ROZ
Know what?
SALLY
Roz, I came out.
ROZ
What?
SALLY
I'm a lesbian.
AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally, Alice, Eddie)
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER
FRASIER
Roz, Sally, wonderful to see you. Hello Alice. Come on in.
SALLY
Hey Frasier, wow what a great apartment.
FRASIER
Thankyou. Alice do you want to go and play down there?
ALICE GOES TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION TO PLAY
FRASIER (CONT'D)
May I take your coat?
SALLY
Thankyou.
HE TAKES SALLY'S COAT
FRASIER
Roz (PAUSE) Roz (PAUSE) Roz!
ROZ
What?
FRASIER
Can I take your coat?
ROZ
Yeah sure.
HE TAKES HER COAT AND HANGS IT UP
FRASIER
OK Sally let me introduce you to the household. This is my father Martin Crane. His home health care worker, Daphne Moon, my brothers girlfriend I suppose we can also say now, and for some reason underneath her is my brother Niles.
SALLY IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO DAPHNE, WHO IS STILL SITTING ON NILES, LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME
SALLY
Hi Daphne. I love your hair.
DAPHNE
Thankyou.
SALLY
You look amazingly fit. Do you work out?
FRASIER
Not as much as I'd like.
SALLY
I was talking to Daphne.
ROZ
Sally can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment?
SALLY
What for?
ROZ
So I can get you a drink.
FRASIER
I'll get it.
ROZ
Frasier sit down, Sally get in the kitchen.
SALLY
I'll be right back.
ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Please tell me you just said you were Lebanese.
SALLY
Sorry, I can't do that.
ROZ
You're gay?
SALLY
That's right
ROZ
What do you mean you're gay?
SALLY
Well it hasn't meant happy for a very long time, so just use the modern interpretation of the word.
ROZ
But I've brought you here to set you up with Frasier.
SALLY
Unless he's secretly a woman. I'm not interested.
ROZ
What do you mean you're not interested? He thinks you really hit it off yesterday.
SALLY
We did, but he's a guy. There are some things I just don't do.
ROZ
Well you've got to start doing them.
SALLY
Why?
ROZ
Sally, he's my friend and my boss. I do not want to hurt his feelings. All I'm asking is for one morning of your life to pretend to be attracted to a man. Is that too much to ask?
SALLY
Isn't that just leading him on?
ROZ
You're going home tomorrow. You never have to see him again. Just act nice and attentive. Please Sally, he'll never forgive me if he finds out.
SALLY
Sorry, no.
ROZ
I will pay for your return ticket.
SALLY
Back home, or my vacation next month to Australia?
ROZ
Back home.
SALLY
No deal.
ROZ
All right Australia.
SALLY
Frasier, you look absolutely stunning in that sweater. The colour really matches you eyes.
SALLY AND ROZ EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Thankyou.
ROZ
What are you two doing?
DAPHNE
I'm making him sit in Mr. Crane's chair.
FRASIER
Would anyone like a Bloody Mary?
SALLY
Please.
DAPHNE
I'd love one.
ROZ
How about a non-alcoholic one. Remember what happened last time?
DAPHNE
What about last time?
ROZ
You drank one and a half jug fulls.
DAPHNE
I did not.
FRASIER
We've been having this conversation this morning and she still won't admit it.
SALLY
Admit what?
MARTIN
The last time we tried to do something like this was for Niles' soon to be ex-wife.
DAPHNE
I was not drunk.
MARTIN
At least we know why you were acting that way now.
ROZ
All over Niles.
DAPHNE
I'll admit I was acting a little strange even though at the time I wasn't sure why.
NILES
Honey you were singing and dancing.
DAPHNE
I was not.
SALLY
Shame, I bet you're quite the little dancer Daphne.
ROZ
Sally!
SALLY
Yes.
ROZ
Has Frasier shown you the view yet?
SALLY
(LOOKING AT DAPHNE) I prefer the view over here.
FRASIER
Pardon?
SALLY
You can't really see the view from over here.
FRASIER
Then why don't you join me on the terrace?
SALLY
No it's OK I…
ROZ
Sally.
SALLY
I'd love to Frasier.
FRASIER AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE
NILES
She seems nice enough.
MARTIN
I can see why Frasier likes her.
ROZ
What? He really likes her? He told you that?
MARTIN
He's been mooning about since he met her yesterday. He's wanted everything to be prefect.
ROZ
Oh God. I knew this was a mistake.
NILES
What's wrong?
ROZ
Nothing. Are they laughing? Oh please don't let them be laughing.
DAPHNE
If they're not they're doing a pretty good impression of it.
ROZ
Oh man. Sally get your hand off his shoulder. Take it down. Get your hands off him. I can't watch anymore, I'll go and stir something.
ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Something's definitely wrong. I'll go and see if she's all right.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN, AS SOON AS SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT NILES GETS OUT OF MARTIN'S CHAIR
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) I can hear you. Sit back down.
EDDIE JUMPS UP ON TO NILES' LAP AS HE SITS BACK DOWN
NILES
Oh Eddie get down. This space is reserved.
DAPHNE
(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) Eddie stay where you are. Don't let him move until I get back.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Does he really like her?
DAPHNE
I think so. Why, what does it matter?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
It seems to me as someone's got a little crush on Frasier developing.
NILES
How can you tell that, they've only been together ten minutes?
MARTIN
Because she's so concerned about them. She was cringing while looking at them through the window.
NILES
Are you talking about Roz?
MARTIN
No Eddie, of course Roz. She's the one freaking out.
NILES
You know what must have happened, she's set them up but now she's feeling jealous. And remember that incident at the Broadcasters Conference that Frasier told us about?
A HUGE, LOUD LAUGH COMES FROM DAPHNE IN THE KITCHEN WHICH IMMEDIATELY MAKES NILES AND MARTIN STOP TALKING
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ROZ
It isn't funny.
DAPHNE
This certainly isn't going to improve his bating average much.
ROZ
I've told her to flirt with him but now I don't think it's such a good idea.
DAPHNE
Why? It's going to get you off the hook.
ROZ
What if he thinks they have a future? What if she says she'll call and doesn't. He'll be a permanent bug up my ass until he finds out the truth.
DAPHNE
I don't know what to tell you Roz.
ROZ
Wait I have an idea. You've got to start flirting with Sally.
DAPHNE
What?
ROZ
Get her attention away from Frasier. He'll see she's not interested and the situation is solved.
DAPHNE
Why don't you just tell him the truth?
ROZ
And tell him I set him up with a lesbian cousin? He'll kill me. He can't score with straight women, this is like getting blood out of stone. So what do you say? Will you do it?
DAPHNE
No chance.
ROZ
Please Daphne, you've got to.
DAPHNE
She's not going to take it seriously, I've get me bleedin' boyfriend out there to start with. And isn't this just going to hurt Sally when she finds out I'm not really interested.
ROZ
This is not about hurting Sally. This is about hurting me.
DAPHNE
I thought it was about Dr. Crane.
ROZ
Please Daphne. I'm not asking you to elope here. Just keep her talking so Frasier doesn't have a chance. All you have to do is be friendly. After all I was your bridesmaid and I did got to that wedding with Simon.
DAPHNE
But what about Niles?
ROZ
He won't even notice.
AS ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally)
THE TIME HAS MOVED ON BY AN HOUR. FRASIER IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN, MARTIN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, ALICE IS TAKING A NAP, ROZ AND SALLY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WITH SALLY FURTHEST TOWARDS DAPHNE, WHO IS CURLED UP ON NILES' LAP IN MARTIN'S CHAIR
SALLY
So Manchester. I bet it was a great place to grow up.
DAPHNE
Oh it was. As long as you avoided Old Trafford on days in which United lost. If you stood still for more than a second some drunken hooligan would try to give you a good kicking.
SALLY
Have you ever been to Wisconsin? I think you would really like it there. Maybe next time you get some vacation time you could come and spend a few days with me.
DAPHNE
That would be lovely. Have you ever been to England?
SALLY
I've been to New England if that counts.
NILES
Excuse me sweetheart.
NILES KISSES HER AND GETS UP AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY FRASIER
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Niles, will you control Daphne?
NILES
What do you mean? She's perfectly sober this time.
FRASIER
Will you get her away from Sally? Roz brought her here because she thought Sally and I would hit it off, not Sally and Daphne.
NILES
Come on Frasier they're only talking.
FRASIER
Exactly. Sally's talking to Daphne and ignoring me. I could be attacked by a pigmy in front of the fire and she wouldn't notice.
NILES
So what do you suggest I do?
FRASIER
Take Daphne out somewhere. Hell go to her room, I don't care, I won't tell Mel, anything just as long as Sally starts to pay attention to me.
NILES
I still don't see what you're problem is.
FRASIER
Daphne is practically flirting with her. If she battered her eyelids anymore she's going to give the woman whip lash.
NILES
She is isn't she?
FRASIER
This doesn't concern you?
NILES
Not at all. Not one bit. I laugh at the very thought of it. And on an unrelated note I think Daphne and I need to spend some time alone together. If you want us, we'll be in her room.
NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS
MARTIN
I'm sorry son, but she doesn't seem to be that interested. I've been trying to talk you up as well. But she seems more interested in becoming friends with Daphne.
FRASIER
All is about to change. Niles is going to take Daphne to her room so I should be able to have some time with her.
MARTIN
Don't you think you should be spending some time with Roz as well?
FRASIER
No. I see her everyday of the week.
MARTIN
Spend some time with Roz Frasier.
FRASIER
Why should I?
MARTIN
It isn't really my place to say but Niles and I think Roz may have a thing for you.
FRASIER
What?
MARTIN
You ought to have seen the way she was acting when you and Sally were on the terrace.
FRASIER
What was she doing?
MARTIN
She was so jealous. Daphne went into the kitchen to talk to her about it. So the best person to ask would be Daph.
FRASIER
That must be why Daphne hasn't left Sally's side. Roz must have told her to keep her talking so that I wouldn't be able to spend any time with her.
MARTIN
I'd put money on it.
FRASIER
Is it possible that Roz might have feelings for me?
MARTIN
Hell if Daphne can turn out to love Niles, I can't see any reason why Roz can't love you.
FRASIER
What do I say to her?
MARTIN
I don't know. You're the psychiatrist.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND MARTIN RE-ENTER LIVING ROOM AS NILES HAS DAPHNE BY THE PIANO AND IS TRYING TO DRAG HER TO HER ROOM
NILES
Oh come on honey. Don't you want to spend some time alone?
DAPHNE
I'd much rather stay out here and chat.
NILES
Why chat out here when we can chat in your room.
DAPHNE
Because I don't want to do it in my room. It's much nicer out here on the couch.
NILES
But I've got something to show you in your room.
DAPHNE
Are you divorced?
NILES
Yes.
DAPHNE
From Mel not Maris.
NILES
No.
DAPHNE
Then I think it's best we stay out here.
ROZ
Look if she doesn't want to go, don't make her.
NILES
Stay out of this Roz.
DAPHNE
I'd feel antisocial if I locked myself away.
NILES
But there are so many things that you can do while being locked away. Trust me I know, I'm a psychiatrist.
NILES KISSES HER PASSIONATELY. WHEN THEY BREAK DAPHNE HAS A DAZED LOOK ON HER FACE.
DAPHNE
Well why didn't you say so?
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO SALLY
FRASIER
So Sally, I understand that you're a taxidermist.
SALLY
That's right. We stuff most things. 'If it's stiff en', we'll stuff em'.'
FRASIER
Well when my father passes on I'll ship him straight to you. It'll give me the opportunity to dress him the way I've always wanted.
ROZ
You know, I really think it's time that we should be going.
FRASIER
not yet, we're having such a good time. So what's the most unusual thing you've had brought into you?
SALLY
Road kill. It was for a museum in Chicago. They were holding an exhibit on different animals killed by different modes of transport. The goose that went through an aeroplane propeller was probably the hardest thing I've had to do.
ROZ SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND SALLY
ROZ
But enough of that, Marty how's your hip?
MARTIN
It's fine.
SALLY
Have you ever been to Wisconsin Frasier?
FRASIER
I can't say as I've had that privilege.
ROZ
Sally did you know that Martin was a cop?
SALLY
No. You really should visit it sometime. I'd be glad to show you around.
ROZ
Sally can I see you on the terrace for a moment.
SALLY
I'll just be a minute. Keep my seat warm.
ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE
MARTIN
See I told you.
FRASIER
I don't believe this.
MARTIN
I bet she's telling Sally to leave you alone.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM WITH NILES HANGING OFF HER ARM
DAPHNE
But I've got to talk to Sally.
NILES
No you don't.
HE KISSES HER ONCE AGAIN AS HE LIFTS HER FEET OFF THE FLOOR TO CARRY HER AS THEY EXIT BACK TO HER ROOM
FRASIER
I'm going to have to talk to her.
MARTIN
Who Roz?
FRASIER
No, Mrs. Needleman next door. Of course Roz.
MARTIN
What are you going to say to her?
FRASIER
I suppose I'll reassure her that these feelings are perfectly natural and understandable. Women often fall for men in a position of power over them. And in time she'll get over me.
MARTIN
Well call me if you need any help.
FRASIER
I think I can handle this conversation on my own.
MARTIN
I meant getting your big head through the door.
RESET TO:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 - CONTINUOUS
SALLY
You're the one who told me to do it in the first place.
ROZ
Now I've changed my mind. Just act not interested.
SALLY
Isn't he going to wonder why I keep blowing hot and cold?
ROZ
It happens to Frasier all the time, he thinks it's normal. He'll be expecting it.
FRASIER ENTERS ONTO THE TERRACE
FRASIER
Erm Sally if you don't mind may I just have a word with Roz?
SALLY
Whatever.
EXIT SALLY
ROZ
What's this about Frasier?
FRASIER
This is hard for me to say, so just bare with me. I know what's going on. I've seen this a lot during my career. People who think they feel one way but deep down subconsciously they don't. Sometimes a change of scenery can be good. Trying something new is always beneficial for the soul, even being with a different kind of person. A lot of times people get confused and think they feel one way about a person when really it's something else. Something not so complicated. Do you understand what I'm saying Roz?
ROZ
Yes and I'm so sorry Frasier.
FRASIER
You have nothing to be sorry about. It's perfectly natural.
ROZ
I had no idea you'd react this way. I feel silly for not telling you. It would have saved a morning of awkwardness.
FRASIER
There's nothing to feel awkward about really Roz. Actually I'm rather flattered that you would think of me like that. I'm not going to say it wasn't a surprise.
ROZ
Hell it was a bigger surprise to me. I mean it's a little bit hard to believe.
FRASIER
Well not that hard.
ROZ
Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but she's been through more men then I have and now she decides she's a lesbian. I can only imagine that she's worked through all the men in the phonebook.
FRASIER
What?
ROZ
God, don't tell her I said that.
FRASIER
Tell who what?
ROZ
Sally.
FRASIER
Sally's a lesbian?
ROZ
Yeah, you didn't know?
FRASIER
No!
ROZ
Then what the hell have we just been talking about?
FRASIER
You being in love with me.
ROZ
What! Where did you hear that?
FRASIER
I saw it with my own eyes. You've been jealous of Sally hitting on me all day.
ROZ
You thought I was in love with you? That is so funny.
FRASIER
Not half as funny as you believing my charms would work to get your cousin turned back on to men.
ROZ
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I really did think that you two would hit it off.
FRASIER
Right that's it. Frasier Crane will take no more. From now on you are to never again set me up with another member of your family, a friend, and definitely no one whose more interested in my brother's girlfriend than me.
ROZ
It's a deal.
FRASIER
To add to that list. Remind me never to have to have another brunch as long as I live. From now on I will decide it's either breakfast or lunch, there is no in-between.
AS ROZ AND FRASIER REMAIN ON THE TERRACE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz)
FRASIER IS SITTING AT THE CONSOLE AS ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Hey Frasier. My old friend Natalie is flying in this weekend.
FRASIER
Great, we'll have brunch.
END OF ACT TWO