Here I am back again with the third installment of my alternative season eight. For those of you who read 'I Just Called To Say -----!' I hope you enjoyed it. For those of you who haven't read it WHY NOT! Feedback is always appreciated, so if you liked it let me know on kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This was the first fan fic that I wrote, which looking back at it is in the tradition of 'Matchmaker', so I hope no one takes offence at it.

Once again I don't own these characters apart from Steve and Sally who came from the depths of my insane asylum that I call my mind.


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Three
A Date For Frasier

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Steve)

FRASIER IS SITTING IN THE STUDIO ON THE LINE TO STEVE. ROZ IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS, LOOKING ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED

FRASIER

Even though I fully understand Steve, that it's not you who is skinning the squirrels and putting them in your neighbours mailbox, and it is in fact, Marvin, the little man who lives in your toe. The point is that it's still wrong. Now what I recommend is that you stay on the line and my producer Roz will give you some numbers for some very good psychiatrists who may be able to help Marvin with this problem.

STEVE

But I've told you Dr. Crane. Marvin won't go to see a psychiatrist. The only time that he comes out of my toe is to skin the squirrels.

FRASIER

If that's the case then Steve, why don't you go to see a psychiatrist and Marvin has no choice but to go because he's in your toe.

STEVE

What if he realises what I'm doing and tries to escape?

FRASIER

Then I recommend you tie your shoes up extra tight. Thank you for your call.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE AS ROZ TAPS THE GLASS PARTITION

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I'm getting the signal from Roz to say that our time is up. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL 780 wishing you all a good day and good mental health.

ROZ ENTERS FRASIER'S BOOTH

ROZ

Has every loony been given access to a phone today?

FRASIER

Well at least it wasn't as bad as yesterday and that guy who used his dead uncle as a scarecrow. But anyway, when are you going to the airport?

ROZ

In an hour. Her plane lands at six - fifteen.

FRASIER

You be sure to wish your cousin the very best from me.

ROZ

I will. I can't tell you how excited I am. It's been that long since I've seen Sally, she hasn't even met Alice.

FRASIER

I'm sure you'll have a great time this weekend.

ROZ

I hope so. I just don't know what I'm going to do with her.

FRASIER

I'm sure you'll think of something.

FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE

ROZ

Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you meet up with us tomorrow, you can meet Sally. You'd really like her.

FRASIER

If this is another attempt to palm me off on to one of your relatives then I…

ROZ

Graciously accept?

FRASIER

No, I was going to say then I have disappointing news for you.

ROZ

Oh come on Frasier. She's attractive, in good shape and she's related to me. What more could you ask for?

FRASIER

Those are the very same words that you uttered the last time you set me up with a member of your family.

ROZ

I'll admit that setting you up with Jane was a mistake. She was just a little…

FRASIER

Insane?

ROZ

I was going to say nervous. She gets a little unsettled around attractive men.

FRASIER

Your attempts to flatter me aside, there is no way I'm going out with your cousin. After eventually bribing Jane out from the coat rack with a bottle of white wine she spent the next hour flicking the lettuce out of my salad because it frightened her.

ROZ

I was only thinking of you. After all with your track record, I don't know why you don't shave your head and join a monastery.

FRASIER

I'm not listening.

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT

ROZ

She once entered the Miss. World pageant.

FRASIER

Shall we say coffee tomorrow and dinner at my place on Sunday?

ROZ

It's a deal. Can I bring anything?

FRASIER

Just your cousin.

FRASIER EXITS

ROZ

I have some bad news for you. She's no where near as horny as you are.

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO FINISH UP IN THE BOOTH WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress)

NILES IS SITTING BY THE WINDOW AS FRASIER ENTERS

NILES

Afternoon Frasier.

FRASIER

Hi. (TO WAITRESS) A latte please. So did you get the tickets?

NILES

I certainly did. The opera event of the season, they came in the mail this morning. Two tickets to Puccini's Madame Butterfly.

NILES HANDS FRASIER THE TICKETS

FRASIER

Niles, have you looked at these tickets?

NILES

I know three rows from the front. We're going to be practically spat on. Which normally I'd be horrified about, but what the hell its Placido Domingo.

FRASIER

We're three rows from the edge of the rink.

NILES

I didn't know he could skate.

FRASIER

Mad Man Butterfly.

NILES

What?

FRASIER

You've bought us two tickets to the ice skating, musical prequel to 'The Silence of The Lambs'.

NILES

That's not possible.

FRASIER

Of course it's not. You normally get a free plastic half eaten butterfly when you attend the opera. I've nearly got the complete set now.

NILES

I don't believe this. They must have misunderstood me at the ticket office.

FRASIER

You mean you didn't really want to go to this show?

NILES

What do I do with them now?

FRASIER

Give them to Dad, I'm sure he'll love it.

NILES

But he'll insist on one of us going and when we both say no, he'll take Daphne and that means I'll have to get another ticket so that I can be with her.

FRASIER

I know then. Give them to Roz.

NILES

As much as I dislike Roz, I'm not sure I want to inflict this on her.

FRASIER

Her cousin, Sally, is flying in this weekend and she has no idea what she's going to do to entertain her. I've already agreed to meet them for coffee tomorrow and then for dinner at my place. Roz thinks we may hit it off.

NILES

Are you sure, you want to date a Doyle?

FRASIER

I'm not saying I want to date anyone, I haven't even met the woman. I'm just saying that…

NILES

You're currently horny and desperate enough to get your hopes up about your friend's cousin, a woman you've never met.

FRASIER

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

NILES

Oh come on Frasier.

FRASIER

Oh come on nothing. You know how hard it is to meet available, attractive, single women in Seattle these days.

NILES

I've never had that much trouble. After all I do have a girlfriend.

FRASIER

And not to mention a wife.

NILES

And yet you mentioned it.

FRASIER

So how are things going with Mel?

NILES

She's going to bleed me dry. She's refusing to cooperate. I keep asking her if she'll meet me so we can discuss it and maybe reach some sort of settlement. She says the only place she'll meet me is in hell after she's butchered me. I should just get prepared now to go to court.

FRASIER

You should be prepared to give up a lot Niles, you know how good a lawyer Donny is. One thing for certain Daphne's not going to enjoy being questioned by Donny on the stand about your sex life.

NILES

She has nothing to fear there. All she has to do is tell the truth.

FRASIER

I'm not sure I'm going to want to hear that.

NILES

Frasier, nothing like that's going on between us.

FRASIER

It's not?

NILES

No. Apart from not wanting to rush things, Daphne and I thought that it would be better if Mel could definitely not get me for adultery. So that part of our relationship has been put on hold.

FRASIER

In other words Daphne's put it on hold and you keep getting a busy signal.

NILES

No matter how many times I redial I get the same response. Maybe I'm not hitting the right combination of buttons. But saying that our relationship is going further. I don't feel self-conscious about someone watching us anymore. Anytime I like I can just kiss her. It's becoming a lot more comfortable.

FRASIER

Too comfortable if you ask me.

NILES

What do you mean?

FRASIER

Niles, this morning at breakfast you practically had your tongue down her throat.

NILES

So we get carried away some times. Is it a crime?

FRASIER

When Dad and I are eating breakfast, yes. I know a snails pace is hard but just remember, it's for the best. This would all have been a lot easier, if you'd have listen to us in the first place about Mel.

NILES

It was your advice that I took in the first place.

FRASIER

I didn't tell you to marry her. The four of us told you we didn't like her at that brunch.

NILES

I know. I should have ended it then.

FRASIER

What a fabulous idea.

NILES

It's all right to say that now.

FRASIER

No, I mean a brunch.

NILES

What for?

FRASIER

For Sally.

NILES

Who?

FRASIER

Roz's cousin. It's friendlier then a formal dinner and I get a chance to see if the Dairy State is as delicious as I hope it is.

NILES

Or alternatively she could turn out to be a real cow.

FRASIER

She could be a wonderful woman for all you know.

NILES

Oh Frasier, pull the udder one.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Sally, Alice)

FRASIER IS BUSY PREPARING THE FOOD WHILE MARTIN FEEDS EDDIE

MARTIN

Jeez, I hate these things.

FRASIER

It's just brunch with Roz's cousin Dad, it's not dinner with the Queen.

MARTIN

The last one we had was a real bust.

FRASIER

This time there will be no Mel and Daphne won't be liquored up to your eyelids.

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE

I heard that. I've already told you father, I wasn't drunk when Mel came over.

FRASIER

That's very true. You were perfectly sober when Mel arrived.

DAPHNE

Thankyou.

FRASIER

It was after she left that you could barely stand up.

MARTIN

So what's she like anyway?

FRASIER

I met her for coffee yesterday with Roz and she's lovely. Absolutely gorgeous and so interesting.

MARTIN

So what would she want with you?

FRASIER

Ha, ha, yes that's very funny Dad.

DAPHNE

What does she do?

FRASIER

She's a taxidermist.

MARTIN

Thanks for the warning. I can hide Eddie before she gets here.

DAPHNE

Hoping a little romance will bloom then are we Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Well we seemed to hit it off pretty well yesterday.

DAPHNE

But she's going home tomorrow.

FRASIER

Well I have to start somewhere. I just need to get a little nibble on the hook and then I can reel her in. She'll be back in Seattle before she knows it.

MARTIN

Did you know you were just talking about fishing?

FRASIER

Just set the table.

MARTIN EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE

I'll get it.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS

NILES

Hello you.

DAPHNE

Hi Niles.

PUTTING HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Laugh and I'll kill you.

NILES

(MUMBLING UNDER HER HAND) OK

THEY KISS

NILES (CONT'D)

I got you something.

PRODUCING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK

DAPHNE

Thankyou. They're beautiful. I'll just pop them in some water.

MARTIN

Hiya Niles.

EXIT DAPHNE TO KITCHEN

NILES

Hi Dad. What are you doing?

MARTIN

Setting the table.

NILES

Frasier's hoping to get somewhere with this woman.

MARTIN

I know.

NILES

Well just be prepared for him to re-do the table.

MARTIN

Why?

NILES

You know Frasier. He'll have his ruler and table map out in a minute to make sure that each piece of silver wear is at a ninety degree angle and exactly one inch away from the mat with each glass centred in the middle prong of the fork.

MARTIN

You see, that's were I've been going wrong all my life, I didn't realise that the way to a woman's heart was in the measurement of a fork. And they have always said that size doesn't matter.

NILES

Yes very funny. But you watch he'll change it all when he comes out here.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

Are you sure you don't need any help Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

I promised Sally that I would do it all myself and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I don't want to scare her off with your god awful cooking… I mean God sent cooking. If you do everything she'll think that I have no culinary skills of my own.

DAPHNE

I'll remember that when you want your breakfast in the morning.

FRASIER

Why don't you just enjoy yourself? Relax, spend some time with Niles.

DAPHNE

You're not going to have to twist my arm.

DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM

FRASIER

You're not going to have to twist mine to not let you cook.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND SITS DOWN IN MARTIN'S CHAIR. NILES REMAINS STANDING

DAPHNE

What's the matter? Aren't you going to sit with me?

NILES

How about just a loving wave from over here.

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

NILES

Nothing. Oh look a lovely suede couch. Why don't you join me over here?

MARTIN

It's the chair. He won't sit in it.

NILES

That's not true. I've sat on the arm.

DAPHNE

Come here.

NILES

What for?

DAPHNE

You're going to sit in the chair.

NILES

But I really don't want to.

DAPHNE

It's time for you to bond with it. You won't catch anything off it.

NILES

That's coincidental because you won't catch me in that chair either.

SHE KISSES HIM TO DISTRACT HIM AND THEN PUSHES HIM DOWN INTO THE CHAIR

NILES (CONT'D)

Well that was great.

MARTIN

You have to sit in it longer than a second to fully appreciate it.

NILES

Oh I appreciate it all right. I appreciate the fact that I don't have to sit in it.

HE GETS UP OUT OF THE CHAIR

DAPHNE

Oh for God's sake.

SHE PUSHES HIM BACK DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND THEN SITS ON TOP OF HIM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Is that better?

NILES

You know, I'm beginning to warm to it. I can definitely see the point you're making.

DAPHNE

So can I.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN

FRASIER

Oh Dad, couldn't you have set the table properly? She's going to be here in a minute.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE

ROZ

It's so nice of Frasier to have us over like this.

SALLY

Yes it is.

ROZ

It's because he's such a nice guy. He's so funny. He's going to love to see Alice. He's so good with children. Did I mention he was a doctor?

SALLY

I gathered that he was, been as he's a psychiatrist with his own show.

ROZ

That's right, he has his own show on the radio, did you know that?

SALLY

Once again, I understood that, when for the last seven years you've wrote about working on his show in your letters.

ROZ

Of course, it must have slipped my mind.

SALLY

What is wrong with you today?

ROZ

Nothing. I'm just excited to see Frasier, because you know he is such a wonderful guy but I guess you noticed that when you met his yesterday.

SALLY

Are you in love with him or something?

ROZ

No, of course not. Why would you think that?

SALLY

Because you've done nothing but talk about him since I got off the plane.

ROZ

All right fine, I was just trying to sell him to you. I think you two would really hit it off.

SALLY

You're trying to set me up with Frasier? Your Boss?

ROZ

Yes. I know this must make him look really pathetic but underneath that he's actually a really great guy.

THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

THEY EXIT OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND ROZ RINGS THE DOORBELL

SALLY

You don't know do you?

ROZ

Know what?

SALLY

Roz, I came out.

ROZ

What?

SALLY

I'm a lesbian.

AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally, Alice, Eddie)

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER

FRASIER

Roz, Sally, wonderful to see you. Hello Alice. Come on in.

SALLY

Hey Frasier, wow what a great apartment.

FRASIER

Thankyou. Alice do you want to go and play down there?

ALICE GOES TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION TO PLAY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

May I take your coat?

SALLY

Thankyou.

HE TAKES SALLY'S COAT

FRASIER

Roz (PAUSE) Roz (PAUSE) Roz!

ROZ

What?

FRASIER

Can I take your coat?

ROZ

Yeah sure.

HE TAKES HER COAT AND HANGS IT UP

FRASIER

OK Sally let me introduce you to the household. This is my father Martin Crane. His home health care worker, Daphne Moon, my brothers girlfriend I suppose we can also say now, and for some reason underneath her is my brother Niles.

SALLY IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO DAPHNE, WHO IS STILL SITTING ON NILES, LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME

SALLY

Hi Daphne. I love your hair.

DAPHNE

Thankyou.

SALLY

You look amazingly fit. Do you work out?

FRASIER

Not as much as I'd like.

SALLY

I was talking to Daphne.

ROZ

Sally can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment?

SALLY

What for?

ROZ

So I can get you a drink.

FRASIER

I'll get it.

ROZ

Frasier sit down, Sally get in the kitchen.

SALLY

I'll be right back.

ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ

Please tell me you just said you were Lebanese.

SALLY

Sorry, I can't do that.

ROZ

You're gay?

SALLY

That's right

ROZ

What do you mean you're gay?

SALLY

Well it hasn't meant happy for a very long time, so just use the modern interpretation of the word.

ROZ

But I've brought you here to set you up with Frasier.

SALLY

Unless he's secretly a woman. I'm not interested.

ROZ

What do you mean you're not interested? He thinks you really hit it off yesterday.

SALLY

We did, but he's a guy. There are some things I just don't do.

ROZ

Well you've got to start doing them.

SALLY

Why?

ROZ

Sally, he's my friend and my boss. I do not want to hurt his feelings. All I'm asking is for one morning of your life to pretend to be attracted to a man. Is that too much to ask?

SALLY

Isn't that just leading him on?

ROZ

You're going home tomorrow. You never have to see him again. Just act nice and attentive. Please Sally, he'll never forgive me if he finds out.

SALLY

Sorry, no.

ROZ

I will pay for your return ticket.

SALLY

Back home, or my vacation next month to Australia?

ROZ

Back home.

SALLY

No deal.

ROZ

All right Australia.

SALLY

Frasier, you look absolutely stunning in that sweater. The colour really matches you eyes.

SALLY AND ROZ EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Thankyou.

ROZ

What are you two doing?

DAPHNE

I'm making him sit in Mr. Crane's chair.

FRASIER

Would anyone like a Bloody Mary?

SALLY

Please.

DAPHNE

I'd love one.

ROZ

How about a non-alcoholic one. Remember what happened last time?

DAPHNE

What about last time?

ROZ

You drank one and a half jug fulls.

DAPHNE

I did not.

FRASIER

We've been having this conversation this morning and she still won't admit it.

SALLY

Admit what?

MARTIN

The last time we tried to do something like this was for Niles' soon to be ex-wife.

DAPHNE

I was not drunk.

MARTIN

At least we know why you were acting that way now.

ROZ

All over Niles.

DAPHNE

I'll admit I was acting a little strange even though at the time I wasn't sure why.

NILES

Honey you were singing and dancing.

DAPHNE

I was not.

SALLY

Shame, I bet you're quite the little dancer Daphne.

ROZ

Sally!

SALLY

Yes.

ROZ

Has Frasier shown you the view yet?

SALLY

(LOOKING AT DAPHNE) I prefer the view over here.

FRASIER

Pardon?

SALLY

You can't really see the view from over here.

FRASIER

Then why don't you join me on the terrace?

SALLY

No it's OK I…

ROZ

Sally.

SALLY

I'd love to Frasier.

FRASIER AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE

NILES

She seems nice enough.

MARTIN

I can see why Frasier likes her.

ROZ

What? He really likes her? He told you that?

MARTIN

He's been mooning about since he met her yesterday. He's wanted everything to be prefect.

ROZ

Oh God. I knew this was a mistake.

NILES

What's wrong?

ROZ

Nothing. Are they laughing? Oh please don't let them be laughing.

DAPHNE

If they're not they're doing a pretty good impression of it.

ROZ

Oh man. Sally get your hand off his shoulder. Take it down. Get your hands off him. I can't watch anymore, I'll go and stir something.

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Something's definitely wrong. I'll go and see if she's all right.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN, AS SOON AS SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT NILES GETS OUT OF MARTIN'S CHAIR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) I can hear you. Sit back down.

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON TO NILES' LAP AS HE SITS BACK DOWN

NILES

Oh Eddie get down. This space is reserved.

DAPHNE

(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) Eddie stay where you are. Don't let him move until I get back.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ

Does he really like her?

DAPHNE

I think so. Why, what does it matter?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

It seems to me as someone's got a little crush on Frasier developing.

NILES

How can you tell that, they've only been together ten minutes?

MARTIN

Because she's so concerned about them. She was cringing while looking at them through the window.

NILES

Are you talking about Roz?

MARTIN

No Eddie, of course Roz. She's the one freaking out.

NILES

You know what must have happened, she's set them up but now she's feeling jealous. And remember that incident at the Broadcasters Conference that Frasier told us about?

A HUGE, LOUD LAUGH COMES FROM DAPHNE IN THE KITCHEN WHICH IMMEDIATELY MAKES NILES AND MARTIN STOP TALKING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ

It isn't funny.

DAPHNE

This certainly isn't going to improve his bating average much.

ROZ

I've told her to flirt with him but now I don't think it's such a good idea.

DAPHNE

Why? It's going to get you off the hook.

ROZ

What if he thinks they have a future? What if she says she'll call and doesn't. He'll be a permanent bug up my ass until he finds out the truth.

DAPHNE

I don't know what to tell you Roz.

ROZ

Wait I have an idea. You've got to start flirting with Sally.

DAPHNE

What?

ROZ

Get her attention away from Frasier. He'll see she's not interested and the situation is solved.

DAPHNE

Why don't you just tell him the truth?

ROZ

And tell him I set him up with a lesbian cousin? He'll kill me. He can't score with straight women, this is like getting blood out of stone. So what do you say? Will you do it?

DAPHNE

No chance.

ROZ

Please Daphne, you've got to.

DAPHNE

She's not going to take it seriously, I've get me bleedin' boyfriend out there to start with. And isn't this just going to hurt Sally when she finds out I'm not really interested.

ROZ

This is not about hurting Sally. This is about hurting me.

DAPHNE

I thought it was about Dr. Crane.

ROZ

Please Daphne. I'm not asking you to elope here. Just keep her talking so Frasier doesn't have a chance. All you have to do is be friendly. After all I was your bridesmaid and I did got to that wedding with Simon.

DAPHNE

But what about Niles?

ROZ

He won't even notice.

AS ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally)

THE TIME HAS MOVED ON BY AN HOUR. FRASIER IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN, MARTIN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, ALICE IS TAKING A NAP, ROZ AND SALLY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WITH SALLY FURTHEST TOWARDS DAPHNE, WHO IS CURLED UP ON NILES' LAP IN MARTIN'S CHAIR

SALLY

So Manchester. I bet it was a great place to grow up.

DAPHNE

Oh it was. As long as you avoided Old Trafford on days in which United lost. If you stood still for more than a second some drunken hooligan would try to give you a good kicking.

SALLY

Have you ever been to Wisconsin? I think you would really like it there. Maybe next time you get some vacation time you could come and spend a few days with me.

DAPHNE

That would be lovely. Have you ever been to England?

SALLY

I've been to New England if that counts.

NILES

Excuse me sweetheart.

NILES KISSES HER AND GETS UP AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY FRASIER

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Niles, will you control Daphne?

NILES

What do you mean? She's perfectly sober this time.

FRASIER

Will you get her away from Sally? Roz brought her here because she thought Sally and I would hit it off, not Sally and Daphne.

NILES

Come on Frasier they're only talking.

FRASIER

Exactly. Sally's talking to Daphne and ignoring me. I could be attacked by a pigmy in front of the fire and she wouldn't notice.

NILES

So what do you suggest I do?

FRASIER

Take Daphne out somewhere. Hell go to her room, I don't care, I won't tell Mel, anything just as long as Sally starts to pay attention to me.

NILES

I still don't see what you're problem is.

FRASIER

Daphne is practically flirting with her. If she battered her eyelids anymore she's going to give the woman whip lash.

NILES

She is isn't she?

FRASIER

This doesn't concern you?

NILES

Not at all. Not one bit. I laugh at the very thought of it. And on an unrelated note I think Daphne and I need to spend some time alone together. If you want us, we'll be in her room.

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

I'm sorry son, but she doesn't seem to be that interested. I've been trying to talk you up as well. But she seems more interested in becoming friends with Daphne.

FRASIER

All is about to change. Niles is going to take Daphne to her room so I should be able to have some time with her.

MARTIN

Don't you think you should be spending some time with Roz as well?

FRASIER

No. I see her everyday of the week.

MARTIN

Spend some time with Roz Frasier.

FRASIER

Why should I?

MARTIN

It isn't really my place to say but Niles and I think Roz may have a thing for you.

FRASIER

What?

MARTIN

You ought to have seen the way she was acting when you and Sally were on the terrace.

FRASIER

What was she doing?

MARTIN

She was so jealous. Daphne went into the kitchen to talk to her about it. So the best person to ask would be Daph.

FRASIER

That must be why Daphne hasn't left Sally's side. Roz must have told her to keep her talking so that I wouldn't be able to spend any time with her.

MARTIN

I'd put money on it.

FRASIER

Is it possible that Roz might have feelings for me?

MARTIN

Hell if Daphne can turn out to love Niles, I can't see any reason why Roz can't love you.

FRASIER

What do I say to her?

MARTIN

I don't know. You're the psychiatrist.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN RE-ENTER LIVING ROOM AS NILES HAS DAPHNE BY THE PIANO AND IS TRYING TO DRAG HER TO HER ROOM

NILES

Oh come on honey. Don't you want to spend some time alone?

DAPHNE

I'd much rather stay out here and chat.

NILES

Why chat out here when we can chat in your room.

DAPHNE

Because I don't want to do it in my room. It's much nicer out here on the couch.

NILES

But I've got something to show you in your room.

DAPHNE

Are you divorced?

NILES

Yes.

DAPHNE

From Mel not Maris.

NILES

No.

DAPHNE

Then I think it's best we stay out here.

ROZ

Look if she doesn't want to go, don't make her.

NILES

Stay out of this Roz.

DAPHNE

I'd feel antisocial if I locked myself away.

NILES

But there are so many things that you can do while being locked away. Trust me I know, I'm a psychiatrist.

NILES KISSES HER PASSIONATELY. WHEN THEY BREAK DAPHNE HAS A DAZED LOOK ON HER FACE.

DAPHNE

Well why didn't you say so?

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO SALLY

FRASIER

So Sally, I understand that you're a taxidermist.

SALLY

That's right. We stuff most things. 'If it's stiff en', we'll stuff em'.'

FRASIER

Well when my father passes on I'll ship him straight to you. It'll give me the opportunity to dress him the way I've always wanted.

ROZ

You know, I really think it's time that we should be going.

FRASIER

not yet, we're having such a good time. So what's the most unusual thing you've had brought into you?

SALLY

Road kill. It was for a museum in Chicago. They were holding an exhibit on different animals killed by different modes of transport. The goose that went through an aeroplane propeller was probably the hardest thing I've had to do.

ROZ SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND SALLY

ROZ

But enough of that, Marty how's your hip?

MARTIN

It's fine.

SALLY

Have you ever been to Wisconsin Frasier?

FRASIER

I can't say as I've had that privilege.

ROZ

Sally did you know that Martin was a cop?

SALLY

No. You really should visit it sometime. I'd be glad to show you around.

ROZ

Sally can I see you on the terrace for a moment.

SALLY

I'll just be a minute. Keep my seat warm.

ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE

MARTIN

See I told you.

FRASIER

I don't believe this.

MARTIN

I bet she's telling Sally to leave you alone.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM WITH NILES HANGING OFF HER ARM

DAPHNE

But I've got to talk to Sally.

NILES

No you don't.

HE KISSES HER ONCE AGAIN AS HE LIFTS HER FEET OFF THE FLOOR TO CARRY HER AS THEY EXIT BACK TO HER ROOM

FRASIER

I'm going to have to talk to her.

MARTIN

Who Roz?

FRASIER

No, Mrs. Needleman next door. Of course Roz.

MARTIN

What are you going to say to her?

FRASIER

I suppose I'll reassure her that these feelings are perfectly natural and understandable. Women often fall for men in a position of power over them. And in time she'll get over me.

MARTIN

Well call me if you need any help.

FRASIER

I think I can handle this conversation on my own.

MARTIN

I meant getting your big head through the door.

RESET TO:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 - CONTINUOUS

SALLY

You're the one who told me to do it in the first place.

ROZ

Now I've changed my mind. Just act not interested.

SALLY

Isn't he going to wonder why I keep blowing hot and cold?

ROZ

It happens to Frasier all the time, he thinks it's normal. He'll be expecting it.

FRASIER ENTERS ONTO THE TERRACE

FRASIER

Erm Sally if you don't mind may I just have a word with Roz?

SALLY

Whatever.

EXIT SALLY

ROZ

What's this about Frasier?

FRASIER

This is hard for me to say, so just bare with me. I know what's going on. I've seen this a lot during my career. People who think they feel one way but deep down subconsciously they don't. Sometimes a change of scenery can be good. Trying something new is always beneficial for the soul, even being with a different kind of person. A lot of times people get confused and think they feel one way about a person when really it's something else. Something not so complicated. Do you understand what I'm saying Roz?

ROZ

Yes and I'm so sorry Frasier.

FRASIER

You have nothing to be sorry about. It's perfectly natural.

ROZ

I had no idea you'd react this way. I feel silly for not telling you. It would have saved a morning of awkwardness.

FRASIER

There's nothing to feel awkward about really Roz. Actually I'm rather flattered that you would think of me like that. I'm not going to say it wasn't a surprise.

ROZ

Hell it was a bigger surprise to me. I mean it's a little bit hard to believe.

FRASIER

Well not that hard.

ROZ

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but she's been through more men then I have and now she decides she's a lesbian. I can only imagine that she's worked through all the men in the phonebook.

FRASIER

What?

ROZ

God, don't tell her I said that.

FRASIER

Tell who what?

ROZ

Sally.

FRASIER

Sally's a lesbian?

ROZ

Yeah, you didn't know?

FRASIER

No!

ROZ

Then what the hell have we just been talking about?

FRASIER

You being in love with me.

ROZ

What! Where did you hear that?

FRASIER

I saw it with my own eyes. You've been jealous of Sally hitting on me all day.

ROZ

You thought I was in love with you? That is so funny.

FRASIER

Not half as funny as you believing my charms would work to get your cousin turned back on to men.

ROZ

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I really did think that you two would hit it off.

FRASIER

Right that's it. Frasier Crane will take no more. From now on you are to never again set me up with another member of your family, a friend, and definitely no one whose more interested in my brother's girlfriend than me.

ROZ

It's a deal.

FRASIER

To add to that list. Remind me never to have to have another brunch as long as I live. From now on I will decide it's either breakfast or lunch, there is no in-between.

AS ROZ AND FRASIER REMAIN ON THE TERRACE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz)

FRASIER IS SITTING AT THE CONSOLE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Hey Frasier. My old friend Natalie is flying in this weekend.

FRASIER

Great, we'll have brunch.

END OF ACT TWO