Hello all. I'm back again with another bash at Frasier Fan Fiction. Once I start writing these things I just can't stop, which may or may not be a bad thing. This is episode four of my alternative season eight, but it can stand on it's own. Feedback is as always much appreciated so please, please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

As usual I don't own any of these characters about from the caller and the doctor. After all this is just a bit of fun so no one at Paramount or Grub Street could possible get ratty about it.


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Four
The Absent Minded Doctor

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?'

FADE IN:

INT. KACL STUDIO — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Alan (V.O.), Kenny)

FRASIER IS SITTING IN HIS BOOTH ON THE LINE TO A CALLER. ROZ IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS READING A BOOK

FRASIER

Alan. Let me get this right. You're surprised that your wife has asked for a divorce?

ALAN

Well yeah. She's got no grounds for asking for a divorce.

FRASIER

(AMAZED) She has no grounds?

ALAN

That's right. I've never hit her, I've never cheated on her. Let me rephrase, I've never cheated on her with another woman. All I do is have a little bet on the horses every now and then.

FRASIER

Alan, you tell your story but I don't think you listen to it. Your wife has more grounds to ask for a divorce than Hilary Clinton.

ALAN

How can you say that Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

How can I say that? Alan, while your mother-in-law was sitting next to you on the couch watching the horse racing, she died. Now did you do the obvious thing and call an ambulance?

ALAN

No.

FRASIER

Did you call your wife and let her know what had happened? That her mother had expired next to you.

ALAN

No.

FRASIER

That's right you didn't. Instead you covered her up with a blanket that the dog died on and sat there with a dead relative on the couch because you had a wager on a horse that was running an hour later and didn't want to miss the race.

ALAN

That's right.

FRASIER

And you still don't see what's wrong with that?

ALAN

Dr. Crane, the horse came in first.

FRASIER

I don't care if Freud himself wearing a pink wig was riding it as it grew wings and flew over the finish line. What you did was wrong.

ALAN

Oh come on doc, it's not as if I killed her. Although it wasn't through a lack of trying I can tell you. She got damn shifty in her old age. She didn't move that fast to use the bathroom as a soiled brand new carpet would testify to.

FRASIER

I don't care. Sitting on the couch with your dead mother-in-law until the days racing was over was wrong. I'd have more sympathy for Hitler at this point than you.

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I have to say to Alan's wife, you're doing the right thing. This man does not deserve you. There are better people out there. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health.

HE GOES OFF THE AIR AS ROZ ENTERS THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What is wrong with the world? Has everyone lost their common sense of decency? I'm beginning to think that there's only the Pope and myself left. I even think I'm being too generous there. It's just me.

ROZ

I know what you mean. You know that guy, Greg who I went out with last week. When we got back to his place it turns out that he's married with a couple of kids and his wife's away for the weekend visiting her dying mother.

FRASIER

But didn't you see him again yesterday?

ROZ

Yeah, so, we're talking about his decency not mine. What? Don't look at me like that. He's the one cheating on his wife not me. I'm just an innocent bystander in all this.

FRASIER

You haven't been innocent for a very long, long time Roz. I'm sorry Roz, I've just had a terrible day. This morning I got locked out of my apartment in my dressing gown as I went to fetch the paper and who came out of her door? Regan, with her new boyfriend.

ROZ

Oh how is she?

FRASIER

Fine. And just to make sure her boyfriend was giving her a tonsillectomy as they got on to the elevator. I'm just thankful he wasn't a Proctologist. Saying that he probably was the way he was groping her. If that wasn't bad enough I got out of the shower to discover that Eddie had vomited in my shoes.

ROZ

Well things can only get better.

FRASIER STANDS UP AND PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE WHICH SPILLS OPEN AND ALL OF HIS PAPERS FALL ON THE FLOOR BY THE DOOR BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ'S SIDE OF THE GLASS

FRASIER

At this moment only death can improve my situation. All I need now is for Lilith and Diane to have hooked up and decide to pass through and say hello before they go on their honeymoon.

KENNY ENTERS THE BOOTH THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR FROM ROZ'S SIDE. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR IT SMACKS FRASIER ON THE HEAD AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR

KENNY

Oh my God, Doc are you all right?

ROZ

He's fine, he normally lies on the floor unconscious with his tongue lolling out his mouth after a show. Football players do it a lot now instead of drinking Gatorade. Frasier, can you here me? Frasier.

KENNY

Oh great I've killed him.

ROZ

You have not killed him, you've just knocked him out.

KENNY

What should I do?

ROZ

Call a doctor.

KENNY

But he is a doctor.

ROZ

Yes and he's also unconscious and the patient, so think again.

AS KENNY GRABS THE PHONE AND ROZ BEGINS TO SHAKE FRASIER WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ELEVATOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Doctor)

DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP

DAPHNE

He's going to be dead. I know he is.

MARTIN

Daphne calm down. We don't even know what's wrong with him. There's no need to get into a panic just yet.

DAPHNE

I've only just found him, I can't loose him already.

MARTIN

You're not going to loose anybody. He'll be fine. Niles is a fighter. We thought he was a goner when he jumped out of the window with that umbrella, but he was fine. He's never been able to run properly since but Hester always claimed it was like that before. I never noticed, I would always cringe and look away whenever one of them tried to run.

RESET TO:

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THE DOORS OPEN AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT. NILES AND ROZ ARE SITTING ON PLASTIC CHAIRS OUTSIDE OF FRASIER'S ROOM WHICH HAS THE BLINDS CLOSED. THE MOMENT DAPHNE SEES NILES SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, Niles, thank God you're all right. I had visions of picking out my funeral outfit. It was lovely little black number.

MARTIN

Are you all right son? Has the doctor told you, you can leave?

ROZ

It's not Niles who's been injured it's Frasier.

NILES

What made you think it was me?

MARTIN

The hospital called and just said that they had a Dr. Crane brought into the emergency room.

DAPHNE

We'd just turned Dr. Crane's show off, so we thought it was you. I'm so relieved it wasn't.

MARTIN

It nearly gave me a heart attack.

ROZ

Frasier's fine by the way.

MARTIN

Jeez, oh right yeah, what happened?

ROZ

Kenny smacked him in the head with a door.

BOTH DAPHNE AND MARTIN START LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY

ROZ (CONT'D)

It's not funny.

NILES AND ROZ BOTH THEN SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF IT AND START LAUGHING AS DOCTOR ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM

DOCTOR

Have you broken into the drug cabinet?

MARTIN

Sorry, doctor. How is he?

DOCTOR

Physically he's fine. In fact we're going to let him go in a while. He only had a slight concussion.

NILES

So what's the problem?

DOCTOR

He seems to be suffering from some memory loss. He has a case of amnesia.

MARTIN

If he thinks he's still God's gift to radio then he's fine.

ROZ

You mean he can't remember what happened to him because Kenny will be so pleased. He's prepared to give him a twenty-percent raise just in case he thought of suing him.

DOCTOR

It's a little bit more serious than that.

NILES

How serious?

DOCTOR

To begin with he thought he was Abraham Lincoln. But that soon passed. Now he thinks it's 1996.

DAPHNE

What?

DOCTOR

He's lost a significant part of his memory. He knows who he is but he's lost everything that's happened in the last four years. In most cases when this happens, it seems to come back to them very quickly. Very rarely do they loose it forever.

MARTIN

Does he know what year it is now?

DOCTOR

We've explained what's happened.

ROZ

Everything that's happened in the last four years?

DOCTOR

No, just what's happened to him.

ROZ

But you've only just met him.

DOCTOR

Did you get a bump on the head as well?

ROZ

No. But I've got a bruise else where that needs a doctors undivided attention. I could show it to you over dinner.

DOCTOR

I'm married.

ROZ

I'm not one to back away from a challenge, in fact I rather enjoy the chase.

DOCTOR

I've explained that he's been hit on the head and he's experiencing some memory loss. He's not taking it too well. In fact he doesn't believe us. So be prepared for him to be a little difficult until it comes back.

MARTIN

We're used to that without him loosing his memory. It's easier to get my dog to eat mustard then to get Frasier to believe you sometimes.

DOCTOR

All you have to do is wait for it to come back naturally. Don't force it to return. If he asks a question, then of course answer it, but only give him vital information, like if you've moved house for instance. You can go in and seem him now if you want to. I've just got someone else to speak to before I discharge him.

MARTIN

Thankyou Doctor.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER FRASIER'S ROOM. FRASIER IS SITTING UP IN BED LOOKING PERFECTLY FINE ABOUT FROM A PLASTER OF HIS HEAD.

FRASIER

Hi guys. I didn't know you were waiting for me.

NILES

Well of course we were Frasier, we were worried about you.

DAPHNE

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm Daphne Moon, I work for you.

FRASIER

Thankyou Daphne. I forgot what year it was, I haven't gone insane.

MARTIN

(SHOUTING) Are you OK Frasier?

FRASIER

For heavens sake Dad, I've had a bump on the head, my ears haven't been ripped off.

MARTIN

Sorry, so you OK?

FRASIER

I'm fine. The doctor says I'm experiencing some memory loss. I don't know if he's right. I can't remember.

MARTIN

The doctor says you can go home when he comes back.

DAPHNE

We'll get you home and I'll take good care of you.

FRASIER

There's really no need Daphne. I'm fine. I'll be back at work again tomorrow.

ROZ

Tomorrow? Frasier, I don't think that's such a good idea.

FRASIER

Look, I'm fine.

MARTIN

But even so Frasier.

FRASIER

No buts. I've forgotten a couple of things, it's no big deal. Even if it were true I can't imagine much has changed in four years. It's not as if everyone's flying around in little bubble ships. They're not are they?

NILES

No.

FRASIER

Then there's no need to worry. None of you have changed.

ROZ

I wonder if I can get that doctors number?

FRASIER

See what I mean? I'll just need a couple of days to jog my memory.

NILES

I've got an idea that may help.

FRASIER

No electro-shock therapy Niles.

AS ROZ EXITS TO HIT ON THE DOCTOR WE:

FADE OUT:

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin)

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

NILES

Hi Frasier. How are you feeling?

FRASIER

I'm fine. Got through my show today with no real problems. Apart from the concerned mother who called in because her child had caught Pokemon fever. I told her to go to her doctor who could give her some cream for it.

NILES

Poke what?

FRASIER

Never mind.

NILES

Any signs of it coming back?

FRASIER

No. But then again, like I said yesterday I haven't forgotten that much, just a few odd things. Like tonight, for instance, I didn't know that I let dad have his poker buddies around three times a week, while I spent the evening walking and bathing Eddie.

NILES

Oh really?

FRASIER

I also didn't know that I'd agreed to have Daphne's room redecorated. Or that ten percent rise I promised her. Still, I haven't given her one for the last five years or so she assures me so I suppose it's only fair.

NILES

Yeah. So where is Daphne?

FRASIER

She's in her room.

NILES HEADS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Where do you think your going?

NILES

To see Daphne.

FRASIER

I think you can wait until she comes out here thankyou very much.

NILES

But I…

FRASIER

No buts mister. Don't make me tie you to a chair. You stay there, I'm going to get a glass of water. Can I interest you in a glass?

NILES

Please.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Hello, I thought I heard the door go.

THEY KISS

NILES

Well my last patient cancelled so I thought I'd come and see you.

DAPHNE

In other words you cancelled your last patient so that you could come and see me.

NILES

Yes.

DAPHNE

You're going to have to stop doing that. As much as I love to see you I don't think your patients will stand it long.

NILES

They don't mind they're all nuts anyway. Half of them don't even know when I'm in the room to begin with.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH TWO GLASSES OF WATER. HE GIVES ONE TO NILES.

FRASIER

Hi Daphne.

DAPHNE

Are you feeling all right Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I'm perfectly fine.

DAPHNE

So what are you up to tonight? I've got the night off is that still all right?

FRASIER

That's fine. I don't know yet. Niles do you fancy dinner at Chez Henry?

NILES

It burnt down Frasier.

FRASIER

No.

DAPHNE

Oh we're not going to have to go through another morning period are we? I've thrown out the black armbands.

FRASIER

No, of course I remember that it burnt down. It was at… at…

NILES

New Years.

FRASIER

I was just about to say that. How about Stefano's?

NILES

We're banned from there.

FRASIER

Why?

DAPHNE

He was sick in the lobster tank.

NILES

Anyway Frasier, I have plans.

FRASIER

Another time then. I know I'll call Roz.

HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Hi Roz. Would you like to join me for a meal tonight? Who's Alice? No way.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Oh yeah he's fine.

ENTER MARTIN AND EDDIE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

Hi guys.

DAPHNE

Hello Mr. Crane.

NILES

Hey Dad.

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM WITH HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP

MARTIN

So how is he?

NILES

Convinced there's nothing wrong with his memory.

MARTIN

I know isn't it great? You tell him anything and he believes it, just to cover up that he can't remember. Not only to I have three poker nights a week but he's also going to cover my losses for the evening.

DAPHNE

That's just mean.

NILES

I understand you're getting your room redecorated?

DAPHNE

That's right. But we'd discussed it before he hit his head.

MARTIN

But he wasn't going to pay.

DAPHNE

It's about time he did it anyway the stingy bleeder. It hasn't changed a bit in six years and he only did it then as an apology.

FRASIER ENTERS AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE NILES AND DAPHNE TOGETHER

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Niles!

NILES JUMPS UP, HALF WITH SURPRISE AND THE OTHER HALF BECAUSE HE STILL FEELS AS IF HE'S DOING SOMETHING WRONG. DAPHNE GOES FLYING ACROSS THE COUCH AND ALMOST FALLS OFF

MARTIN

Jeez, Fras, what's wrong with you?

FRASIER

Nothing. Niles can I see you for a moment in the kitchen?

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What do you think you're doing?

NILES

Apart from having an embolism, sitting on the couch. What is the matter with you?

FRASIER

With Daphne? What about Maris?

NILES

What about her? She couldn't fit on a couch that size.

FRASIER

She's your wife and you're lolling all over Daphne. I've told you before this infatuation is getting out of hand.

NILES

Frasier, we're dating.

FRASIER

I know Dad and Daphne are trying to trick me with the poker and the redecorating but I'm prepared to let that go because they were sick with worry about me. But you're not going to get me on this one mister.

NILES

Fine, if you don't believe me, ask her.

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Daphne, are you and Niles dating?

DAPHNE

Yes.

FRASIER

But you're married to Maris.

NILES

Frasier, I've been divorced for over a year.

FRASIER

Of course. It was about time that you stood up for yourself.

NILES

She was cheating on me Frasier. She was getting engaged.

FRASIER

I know, but after you found out that, and that your therapy wasn't working you…

MARTIN

It was working all right for Maris.

NILES

She was sleeping with our therapist.

FRASIER

I knew that.

DAPHNE

You know nothing. Why don't you just admit it?

FRASIER

I'm just having a slight lapse of memory. It's all coming back to me now, so while I take my foot out of my mouth I'll be in the kitchen.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

NILES

He doesn't remember a thing.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH

MARTIN

Hey this is great. Let's tell him he remarried Lilith.

NILES

No, tell him that you married Sherry and they've gone on vacation for a week together.

DAPHNE

That's just mean.

THEY ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY CALL FRASIER

FRASIER

(FROM KITCHEN) Just a second

MARTIN

So where are you two off to tonight?

DAPHNE

We're going to the opera.

MARTIN

Remember to take a book and a flashlight with you.

NILES

I told you, if you don't want to go you don't have to.

DAPHNE

I'd go anywhere as long as I'm with you.

THEY KISS JUST AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Niles!

AGAIN NILES JUMPS AND SENDS DAPHNE FLYING

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Sorry, forgot. Oh come on you can't read anything into that.

AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'HE NEVER NOTICED THE BLOOD WEEPING DOWN THE WALLS'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Mel)

FRASIER IS SITTING DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS MEL ENTERS

MEL

Why hello Frasier.

FRASIER

Hello. Do I know you?

MEL

Don't play games with me Frasier.

FRASIER

Since you know my name I'm going to take that as a yes.

MEL

Fine. Be a child.

FRASIER

I'm sorry. You see I was hit on the head the other day and the doctor seems to think that I'm suffering a bout of amnesia. It's not that serious but I seem to have forgotten a few things.

MEL

Really?

FRASIER

Yes, although I feel ashamed for not remembering anyone as pretty as you are.

MEL

Excuse me?

FRASIER

I feel dreadful but I don't remember your name.

MEL SITS DOWN

MEL

Dr. Mel Crane. Does it ring any bells?

FRASIER

That's a coincidence. We share the same surname.

MEL

Yes it is. You really don't have any idea who I am, do you?

FRASIER

I'm afraid not.

MEL

I'm your… I'm your… I'm your girlfriend silly.

FRASIER

I always knew I had excellent taste.

AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'THERE'S NEVER A STUN GUN AROUND WHEN YOU NEED ONE'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Mel)

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE TO DUKE

MARTIN

Not only that, he's getting me season tickets for the Seahawks. I know. If I'd know it was this easy I'd have hit him on the head years ago. OK bye.

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE

And you accuse me of taking him for a ride

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS.

NILES

Wow, you look stunning.

DAPHNE

You always say that. I'm beginning to think it's a reflex, I could answer the door in a garbage bag and you'd still say that.

NILES

If you were to answer the door in a garbage bag I think I'd say something a little different.

DAPHNE

I can just imagine.

NILES

You don't have to. You could try it tomorrow.

MARTIN

Oh jeez, get a room.

NILES

Is this a new dress?

DAPHNE

Trust you to notice. Your brother bought it for me.

NILES

He's going to find out eventually.

MARTIN

Until then keep your big bazoo shut. He's getting me a big screen television and I'm working on getting Eddie a baby brother.

DAPHNE

Would you like a coffee before we go?

NILES

I'd love one.

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane?

MARTIN

I'd prefer something with an amber glow.

DAPHNE

A pot of honey it is then.

NILES

I'll give you a hand.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN DIALS THE PHONE

MARTIN

Hey McGinty. How you doing? Guess who's going on a tour round the Ballentine factory before they close it? That's right and you get all the free samples you want. I'm going to take my trunks and have a swim in the tank. Frasier's taking me. What can I say, he's like a completely different person, I just hope it lasts.

FRASIER AND MEL ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

And the door opens and smacks me right on the head.

MARTIN

I've got to go. I think the world just ended.

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE

MARTIN (CONT'D)

What the hell is she doing here? You should have warned me I needed to get another rabies shot.

FRASIER

Dad, don't speak to her like that.

MEL

Hello, Dad. How nice it is that you're still alive.

FRASIER

I didn't realise you two were so close.

MEL

Oh we're very close, aren't we Dad?

MARTIN

Don't come too close. You forget I still have my gun.

NILES ENTERS THEN NOTICES MEL

NILES

Frasier can I get you a… what the hell are you doing here?

MEL

Hello Niles.

FRASIER

Anyone would think that something unusual is going on. This is my apartment after all, if I want to bring my girlfriend back here I will.

NILES

Your what?

FRASIER

My girlfriend. And you accuse me of having amnesia.

DAPHNE ENTERS AND THEN NOTICES MEL

DAPHNE

Niles do you want… what are you doing here?

MEL

Hello Daphne.

NILES

She's Frasier's girlfriend.

DAPHNE

Like hell she is. What ever you're thinking it's not going to work. You've got a lot of nerve turning up here after the way you've been behaving.

FRASIER

Daphne, don't speak to Mel like that.

MEL

I've told you honey, you should rotate your staff like you rotate your tires, otherwise they start to get a little ragged and hard to control.

DAPHNE

How dare you speak to me like that.

NILES

Daphne don't.

DAPHNE

That's right, take her side why don't you.

NILES

Honey I'm only…

DAPHNE EXITS TO KITCHEN

NILES (CONT'D)

There, are you happy now?

MEL

What a shame. Trouble in paradise Niles? I'm just going to use the powder room sweetie. Daphne make me some coffee.

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE

If you think I'm…

FRASIER

Daphne, would you like to get Mel a coffee?

DAPHNE

I'd rather get her a coffin.

MEL

It's all right sweetie.

MEL KISSES FRASIER LONG AND HARD ON THE LIPS. NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK AWAY. MEL THEN SMILES AT THEM AND EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

NILES

I knew I should have brought that sharp stick around here. What the hell do you think you're doing? Is this some kind of joke?

DAPHNE

It's just mean that's what it is.

MARTIN

Yeah Frasier. OK we've lied to you a little about what goes on around here, I don't play poker three nights a week. There's no need to get us back like this.

FRASIER

What are you blabbering on about?

NILES

Mel.

FRASIER

I know she's great isn't she. I feel so ashamed I don't remember her. Still she assures me that we're practically inseparable though.

DAPHNE

So you should feel ashamed. This is the cruellest trick you could have possible played. I suppose you're going to bring Donny in tomorrow and parade him round as your new best friend.

FRASIER

And Donny would be?

MARTIN

Right that's it, there's no denying it Frasier you have amnesia.

FRASIER

I do not, so I forgot what year it was and that you two were dating, but the pair of you are not the centre of the universe you know.

NILES

Frasier, Mel is my wife.

FRASIER

What?

NILES

She's my wife.

FRASIER

Don't talk ridiculous.

MARTIN

It's the truth.

NILES

She's obviously taking you for a ride, to get back at me.

FRASIER

And why would she do that?

DAPHNE

Probably because he dumped her three days after they got married for me.

NILES

Frasier she's trying bleed me dry. I've offered her settlement after settlement but she won't except. It was easier to get Maris off her addition to cough mixture than it is to get Mel to agree to anything. She likes to see me suffer even more than Maris did.

FRASIER

You're not going to trick me again.

NILES

Is this about Lilith?

FRASIER

What about her? And don't try to convince me again that I remarried her. Because that story was full of holes. To start with Lilith could never get her leg up that high.

NILES

Are you trying to get back at me because of what happened between Lilith and me? Thought you'd try a little spouse swapping?

DAPHNE

You can leave me out of it if that's what you're after.

FRASIER

What happened?

NILES

You really don't remember do you?

FRASIER

What happened?

NILES

Nothing.

FRASIER

Niles what happened between you and Lilith?

NILES

I told you nothing.

MEL ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND FRASIER

MEL

They slept together dear. You were practically inconsolable at the betrayal. It seems he'll sleep with anyone these days. You know you should be careful, you never know what you could catch.

NILES

Why are you doing this? Why are you taking advantage of a man who currently has a memory the size of a goldfish? Is it not enough that you almost lost him his job?

MEL

You've never liked me have you Niles? Is it because I'm not beneath you? You haven't had to pick me out of the gutter.

DAPHNE

You know I'm sorry that he picked me over you. I'm sorry you've been so hurt by it but I wouldn't change what's happened for the world. So get out of the bloody, bloody, bloody, frigging house.

MEL

You've certainly chosen well Niles. Not only is she soiled goods but she has a nice mouth on her as well.

DAPHNE

You bitch!

DAPHNE SLAPS MEL ACROSS THE FACE. NILES IMMEDIATELY GRABS DAPHNE TO PROTECT HER FROM ANY BACKLASH.

MEL

How dare you lay a finger on me? How dare you think you have some standings here just because Niles decided it might be a good idea to start shagging the help.

FRASIER

Daphne? What has got into you? Now apologise.

DAPHNE

I'd rather be fired and thrown out on the street than apologise to her.

MEL

You'd feel right at home then, wouldn't you Daphne on the street with the rest of the trash?

DAPHNE GOES TO SLAP HER AGAIN BUT SOME HOW NILES MANAGES TO HANG ON TO HER

FRASIER

All right! That is enough! Daphne I don't know what is the matter with you. Now you may be Niles' girlfriend now but you are still my employee and you will behave as such. Now apologise.

MARTIN

Frasier! Don't speak to her like that.

NILES

You are completely out of line Frasier.

FRASIER

I'm waiting.

DAPHNE

Mel, I'm so terribly sorry that your husband chose me over you. I'm sorry that you've turned into this bitter, lonely woman. But then again, you haven't changed that much, you weren't much of a picnic before this happened.

MEL

What's that song? 'That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp'.

DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN TRIES TO SLAP MEL. THIS TIME MARTIN GETS UP TO HELP NILES HOLD HER

NILES

Mel don't. If you want to get back at someone, then here I am. I'm the one who did this, I'm the one who left you, so just leave them out of it.

FRASIER

Everything always has to be about you doesn't it?

MEL

I have no idea what you're talking about Niles.

NILES

OK you've had your fun now get out of here.

FRASIER

Niles, you may be my brother but I will not have you talk to someone that I care about like that. I don't know why you're doing this.

MARTIN

Frasier, she's lying to you for God's sake.

FRASIER

I'm not going to listen to anymore of this.

FRASIER AND MEL GO TO EXIT AS ROZ ENTERS OFF THE ELEVATOR

ROZ

What in the name of holy crap is she doing here?

MEL

Why Roz, its night-time shouldn't you be working?

ROZ

Why you little…

FRASIER

Roz don't talk to her like that. I'm shocked at the fact that none of you can make a woman that I care about feel welcome in this house. Come on Mel.

FRASIER EXITS BUT MEL STICKS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR

MEL

It's been worth having to let your brother kiss me all day just to see the expressions on your faces. By the way Daphne, you look really cheap in that dress, but what am I saying, you are a servant after all.

EXIT MEL

DAPHNE

All right let me go.

ROZ

What is going on?

MARTIN

Mel told Frasier that they're dating.

ROZ

She's what?

NILES

Every opportunity that she has, she gobbles up to torture me. I can't believe she's dragging Frasier into it though. Like she hasn't already done enough to him.

ROZ

Are you guys OK?

DAPHNE

I'd feel better if I'd have had a cattle prod. But we can't have everything. At least I've completed one task on my to-do list.

ROZ

What's that?

MARTIN

Daphne slapped Mel.

ROZ

Really?

MARTIN

They were one step away from wrestling in pudding.

ROZ

Way to go Daphne!

NILES

Daphne, I'm so sorry for all of this. I didn't mean to speak to you like that.

DAPHNE

Forget about it. I have.

MARTIN

It's a good job she left when she did. I was one step away from getting my gun. One way or another someone was going to die.

NILES

And with your aim it could have been any of us.

MARTIN

We've got to try to force his memory back.

ROZ

If a blow on the head caused it in the first place, why don't we just hit him again?

NILES

This is not a cartoon.

MARTIN

It wouldn't hurt.

DAPHNE

You just want to hit him round the head with a frying pan.

MARTIN

Well forgive me for having an ambition.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Mel, Waitress, Alan)

FRASIER AND MEL ARE SITTING DOWN IN THE RESTAURANT. EVERY SURROUNDING TABLE IS FULL

FRASIER

I must apologise once again for their behaviour at home. My family seems to be locked into a pattern of detesting each other's mates. Which was fine for Maris and Sherry because they were both nuts but not you.

MEL

So tell me about Niles and the servant girl.

FRASIER

You mean Daphne?

MEL

Of course I do.

FRASIER

Tell you what? They're dating. That's pretty much it.

MEL

Does he see her often?

FRASIER

Over the last week they've been out every night, before that I don't recall. But enough about them, lets talk about us.

MEL

Oh yes… us… how exciting. I can barely wait.

FRASIER

Unfortunately I don't remember a lot about us. But I suppose that enables me to fall in love with you all over again.

MEL

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So does Niles spend the night over at your place?

FRASIER

You seem fixated on my brother.

MEL

I'm just curious that's all baby.

SHE KISSES HIM

FRASIER

No he doesn't.

MEL

Does Daphne stay at the Montana then?

FRASIER

No.

MEL

You mean they're not sleeping together?

FRASIER

I don't think so.

MEL

Damn.

FRASIER

What's all this about?

MEL

Just a second.

SHE TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS

MEL (CONT'D)

Hi Donny. Bad news. They're not sleeping together. Frasier told me. No, he has amnesia. Honesty. He has no clue who I am. Listen, Frasier do you know who Donny is?

FRASIER

Donny Osmond?

MEL

What did I tell you? I'm on my way back now. Ok bye.

MEL STANDS UP TO LEAVE

FRASIER

Wait Mel, where are you going?

MEL

Home. You've served your purpose.

FRASIER

But what about dinner?

MEL

I've already been with your brother and not I'm interested in adding another Crane to my list of conquests.

EXIT MEL

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Mel!

ENTER WAITRESS

WAITRESS

Are you OK sir?

FRASIER

I think I've just been dumped for Donny Osmond.

WAITRESS

I'm so sorry. Had you been together long?

FRASIER

I've no idea.

WAITRESS

Can I get you a drink?

FRASIER

A Martini. Two olives. Thankyou.

WAITRESS

I know your voice. Are you Dr. Frasier Crane?

FRASIER

Possibly but I'm not certain.

EXIT WAITRESS AND ENTER ALAN

ALAN

You're Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Yes. I'm sorry, I'm having a rough day, I'd prefer not to give any autographs at the moment.

ALAN

My wife left me because of you.

FRASIER

I beg your pardon? I didn't sleep with her did I? Because if I did I don't remember. Not that I'm saying that sleeping with your wife wouldn't be memorable. Hell, I don't even know your wife. You were saying?

ALAN

She heard you and me talking on the radio.

FRASIER

I take it my advice didn't help your situation.

ALAN

You gave me no advice, just hung up on me. You don't remember me do you?

FRASIER

I'm afraid not. You see I'm suffering a bout of amnesia.

ALAN

Well lets see if this will jog your memory. You bastard.

ALAN PUNCHES HIM AND CAUSES HIM TO FALL ON THE FLOOR

ALAN (CONT'D)

If I want to watch the racing with a dead relative on the couch then it's my own Goddamn business.

FRASIER

But she was your mother-in-law.

ALAN

I knew you remembered.

FRASIER

Of course I remember. It's one of the most appallingly inexcusable things that I have ever heard. Wait I remember. Oh my God I kissed Mel.

HE GRABS A GLASS OF WATER OFF THE TABLE AND GARGLES WITH IT. HE THEN SPITS IT OUT BUT IT LANDS ON ALAN'S SHOES

ALAN

I just bought these shoes.

FRASIER

And they're very nice.

ALAN

You won't think that, when they're giving you a good kicking.

FRASIER

My God look at the time, I must be running along.

AS FRASIER RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT BEING PURSUED BY ALAN WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ARE WAITING BY THE FRONT DOOR IN THE DARK, EACH HOLDING A DIFFERENT FRYING PAN OR SAUCEPAN. THEY WAIT PATIENTLY FOR FRASIER TO RETURN HOME