Once again I don't own any of these characters, I only write these because I amuse myself by doing them.
Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Alternative Season Eight Episode Five
Cartoon Capers
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Bebe, Eddie)
MARTIN IS LYING ON HIS BACK ON THE FLOOR WITH DAPHNE EXERCISING HIS HIP AND LEG. EDDIE IS LYING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR.
DAPHNE
Right, enough of that, now the other leg. We don't want it to feel left out now do we?
MARTIN
You enjoy putting me through this don't you?
DAPHNE
Do you want to be able to move around on your own or not? We need to keep you limber for that long trek to the refrigerator to get a beer. I've often thought hiding the television remote control would give you more exercise. Or keeping your beer on top of the fridge so you'd have to jump up to reach it.
MARTIN
And I'd be thanking you every opportunity that I got while lying in the hospital bed with a cracked hip.
DAPHNE
Anyone would think that I enjoyed making you suffer.
MARTIN
Well don't you, witch woman?
DAPHNE
I may have a sardonic streak in me but it's not that big. Anyway it's one of the perks of the job. Your son just happens to be another perk of the job. A perk that I hadn't fully appreciated until Dr. Crane stuck his conk in. And I should watch who you're calling witch woman while you're in your current position. I'm sure I could make this foot touch the floor behind your head with a bit of effort and a quick click of a hip.
MARTIN
Eddie, you chew her leg while I push her off.
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR IN HIS SQUASH CLOTHES AND CARRYING HIS BAG AND RACKET. HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN.
FRASIER
Oh for God's sake Niles, the ball did not hit you that hard. My backhand is not that powerful.
NILES
(CALLING FROM THE HALL) How would you know? You weren't on the other end. It would have been less painful if you'd shot it out of a cannon.
FRASIER
Stop being such a baby.
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
FRASIER
I accidentally hit Niles with the squash ball.
NILES
(CALLING FROM THE HALL) Accidentally? It was a full-blown assault, I'm surprised you didn't try to finish the job and beat me to death with your racket.
DAPHNE
Where did you hit him?
FRASIER
At the squash court.
DAPHNE
No I mean where on his body.
NILES ENTERS WALKING VERY SLOWLY, HOLDING ON TO THE DOOR AND THEN THE CONSOLE FOR SUPPORT WITH ONE HAND AND HOLDING HIS GROIN WITH THE OTHER
FRASIER
No where important. At least you've got your breath back now. I was beginning to think I was going to have to give you CPR.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND HELPS HIM TO THE COUCH
DAPHNE
Oh honey! I was going to ask if I should kiss it better but I think I should just go and get some ice instead.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR.
MARTIN
A squash ball? That's nothing. Has your own horse ever kicked you in the crown jewels? It sounded as if I'd been breathing in helium all week. I had a shoe print there for weeks. Maybe you should go and see a doctor Niles if it's really that painful.
NILES
I have enough trouble turning my head and coughing in front of that man as it is without going to see him about this.
ENTER DAPHNE WITH AN ICE PACK
DAPHNE
Here you go.
NILES LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE SITS WITH HIM AND APPLIES THE ICE PACK
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Is that better?
NILES
Err… Yeah. On so many levels.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
FRASIER
Did you ever consider how my back is after I had to drag you off the court by your ankles?
NILES
I have a swimmers build for God's sake. How heavy can I be?
FRASIER
Point taken. At least your eyes have stopped watering now.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE
FRASIER
Oh hi Bebe.
BEBE
There he is. My number one client. Seattle's knight in shining armour. The person who puts a glow into every patient at the lunatic asylum.
FRASIER
That's not me, its electro-shock therapy that accomplishes that small feat.
BEBE
Yes but has it sent more people on the path to mental health? I think not.
FRASIER
What do you want?
NILES
To give you colonic irrigation by the sounds of it. She's trying to get her head that far up your… Ouch!
DAPHNE
Sorry am I being too hard?
NILES
No but something else is. I think I'd better hold it.
NILES SITS UP AND TAKES THE ICE PACK OFF DAPHNE
BEBE
I didn't know this had become part of your duties Miss. Moon. Frasier you should have warned me so I can keep it out of the papers. Damage control is my specialty.
FRASIER
Oh really?
BEBE
That's right. If I had been in the Clinton administration no one would have ever heard of Monica Lewinsky.
FRASIER
Only because you'd have killed her and buried her in the grounds of the White House.
BEBE
And your point would be?
MARTIN
Frasier hit him with a squash ball.
BEBE
My, my, Frasier I didn't know you had such a good aim. That's like trying to hit a flea on an elephant's behind.
NILES
Shouldn't you be burning on a stake somewhere?
FRASIER
Now, now children. Bebe what can I do for you?
BEBE
Now Frasier I have some really exciting news for you.
NILES
You've been exorcised?
BEBE DROPS HER PURSE ONTO NILES' LAP
NILES (CONT'D)
Ouch!
BEBE
Now, now Niles, there's no need to get testy.
NILES
What have you got in here? The book of the dead?
BEBE
A microscope and a pair of tweezers, would you care to step into the bathroom and check if you're still in one piece.
FRASIER
And the exciting news is?
BEBE
I've gotten you a job.
FRASIER
I already have a job. Now we've discussed this before. I'm happy at KACL.
BEBE
Think of it as part-time work.
MARTIN
Like she's a part-time agent. The rest of the time she spends grooming future Hitler's and making it rain sulphur.
FRASIER
Doing what?
BEBE
I've spoken to the producers over at Upmarket Pictures and they want you, Frasier Crane. The man whose voice could melt an ice sculpture. The man with more talent than the rest of that radio station put together. The man whose talents shouldn't be wasted on just one project. The man…
FRASIER
Oh spit it out!
BEBE
They want you to be the voice of new cartoon character 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk'.
FRASIER
Me? The voice for a cartoon character?
BEBE
That's right.
DAPHNE
Here we go again. Brace yourselves.
FRASIER
I don't know Bebe. I'm a psychiatrist not an actor. How are my callers supposed to take me seriously after hearing my voice come from a colourful cartoon character?
BEBE
But think of it was a way to educate the youth of America. Each character in the show represents a different angle on American culture. Each episode will deal of a conflict of some sort and have morals seeping from every orifice. Not unlike your work on KACL a resolution will come from rational thought, sound reasoning and confrontation. It's your opportunity to take psychology out of the grasps of the stuffed shirts and place it on a silver platter for our children to understand and love. And they're offering a four-figure sum per episode.
FRASIER
Would I have some input on the story lines and analysis of the situations?
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
BEBE
But of course.
FRASIER
And it would need to be scheduled around my work on the radio.
BEBE
It has. I mean it will.
NILES
I knew it wouldn't be long before you had a talking doll and your face on a lunchbox. Why do you let this woman talk you into these things?
FRASIER
Now Niles, if it's a way of introducing the world of psychology to children where's the harm?
NILES
It will make a mockery of the entire profession. Fine teach children about psychology but don't do it through the commercial eye of a chipmunk named Charlie.
BEBE
It's Chesty. And it's brilliant.
FRASIER
This is just retaliation for that squash ball and I'm not going to listen to it. Bebe you've got a deal.
BEBE
Wonderful. I'll call them right away.
BEBE EXITS TO THE TERRACE WITH THE TELEPHONE
MARTIN
Well good luck to you Frasier.
FRASIER
Then you approve?
MARTIN
No, I think you're nuts. I wouldn't trust that woman as far as I could throw her. Which isn't far.
DAPHNE
That's only because the moment she's airborne she'd flap her arms and start to fly.
NILES
Ouch!
DAPHNE
Why don't you go and rub some of my cream on it. It's in the bathroom. I use it to reduce the swelling on your father's hip.
NILES
I'm willing to give anything a try.
NILES, SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE
Are you sure you don't need any help?
NILES
I think I'll manage.
DAPHNE
Yell if you need me.
NILES
Is that a general rule or just for this instance?
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
NILES EXITS AS BEBE ENTERS FROM THE TERRACE
BEBE
It's all set. They want you down at the studio Wednesday at eleven. That gives you enough time to record your part and head over to the radio station. They're ecstatic that you've chosen to do it, the deadline was fast approaching.
FRASIER
Deadline?
BEBE
Yes, the first episode airs next week.
MARTIN
Next week? I thought it took months to make a cartoon.
BEBE
It does. But you see the animation is already complete for the first dozen or so episodes. They just need you to add the voice, as the person previously hired can no longer do the remainder of the episodes. So instead of switching voices half way through they've decided to have a new 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk' from the very beginning.
FRASIER
Why couldn't he do the rest of the season?
BEBE
He was executed last week.
ENTER NILES
DAPHNE
Is it feeling any better?
NILES
Not at the moment.
DAPHNE
You used the cream in the white tub?
NILES
No. The red one.
DAPHNE
Oh you silly sod. That's deep heat.
NILES
So what does that mean?
BEBE
Prepare to have your balls burnt off baby.
NILES
So what do I do?
DAPHNE
Let's get you into Dr. Crane's bath before it kicks in.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT
FRASIER
So 'Chesty' it is.
BEBE
You're going to make an adorable chipmunk dear.
FRASIER
This is wonderful, I've always wanted to do something aimed at the youth market.
NILES SUDDENLY LETS FLY A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM AS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'MONKEY BUSINESS'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Waitress)
ROZ IS SITTING READING A LETTER AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Hi Roz.
ROZ
Hiya Frasier.
FRASIER SITS DOWN AS A WAITRESS COMES OVER
FRASIER
A latte please. So what are you reading?
ROZ
Just a letter from a friend.
FRASIER
Oh anyone I know.
ROZ
It's a friend! A friend! Do you have to know everything?
FRASIER
It's from Ned again isn't it?
ROZ
No. I told you I finished it with him.
FRASIER
Then why does this letter smell like the animal house at the zoo?
ROZ
It doesn't. Smell it.
SHE PUTS THE LETTER UNDER HIS NOSE
FRASIER
Well something smells like it.
ROZ
Maybe someone's just walked in who's been to the zoo today.
FRASIER
You can't pull the wool over my eyes. You're dating Ned again aren't you?
ROZ
No, I'm not as a matter of fact I'm not.
FRASIER
OK let me rephrase. You're sleeping with Ned again aren't you?
ROZ
Once again my answer would have to be no.
FRASIER
Then once again I'll rephrase. You're having sex with Ned again aren't you?
ROZ
No!
FRASIER
Roz.
ROZ
Oh all right yes. So what. Just because you're not having sex doesn't mean that I have to take a vow of chastity as well. Celibacy is just not my style.
FRASIER
Some serious Hail Mary's would be needed to make you chaste again Roz.
ROZ
At least my virginity hasn't grown back.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER FRASIER'S LATTE. HAVING HEARD THE LAST PART OF THE CONVERSATION, FRASIER JUST SMILES AT THE WAITRESS
FRASIER
That's very amusing. But Ned how could you?
ROZ
I know, I'm weak and pathetic. But I just happened to be walking past the zoo and there he was in the monkey house looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes.
FRASIER
I take it we're not talking about Larry the Ape.
ROZ
No Ned.
FRASIER
He works at the zoo on Mercer Island right?
ROZ
That's right.
FRASIER
What were you doing there?
ROZ
I felt like having a little trip out.
FRASIER
Wait a second. The monkey house is at the back of the zoo.
ROZ
So.
FRASIER
You said you were walking past the zoo when you saw him.
ROZ
Walking passed, in, what's the difference.
FRASIER
Tell me you didn't Roz.
ROZ
I didn't.
FRASIER
Are you lying?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
Oh Roz. How could you?
ROZ
I know it's been a long time but you can't surely have forgotten.
FRASIER
You had sex in the monkey house again didn't you?
ROZ
Oh God Yes
FRASIER
Surrounded by monkeys?
ROZ
Well Ned is the king of the swingers. He wrote me another poem while I tried to get the straw out of my hair.
FRASIER
A zookeeper and a poet no wonder you were drawn to him. Roz this isn't a poem, it's a nursery rhyme.
ROZ
It's a poem.
FRASIER
It isn't. Mary had a little lamb.
ROZ
It may start that way, but you have to read on.
FRASIER
Oh I see. Well if Mary has always been able to lift her legs that high why on earth has she been tending sheep for so long. She could have made her fortune in another profession.
AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING WE:
FADE OUT:
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. RECORDING STUDIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Bebe, Jack, Carlos (V.O.), Candy (V.O.))
FRASIER IS STANDING WITH BEBE NEXT TO A LARGE MICROPHONE. TO THE RIGHT IS A GLASS PARTITION LIKE IN HIS OWN BOOTH. ENTER JACK.
JACK
Hello Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Hello Jack.
THEY SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER
Are you all ready for me today?
JACK
We certainly are. Hello Bebe.
BEBE
Hello Jack. Now you must promise to take care of my number one client here. He's a precious commodity.
JACK
I thought I was your number one client.
BEBE
That was when I wanted a favour. I'll see you later then Frasier. I have to have a meeting about the commercial rights. By the time I'm through you shall have Chesty lunchboxes, Chesty toys, Chesty drain cleaners and even Chesty reusable band-aids. Bye sweetie.
EXIT BEBE
FRASIER
But Bebe…
JACK
Right Dr. Crane. For the first few weeks we're going to have to do things a little different.
FRASIER
How so?
JACK
At the moment there is no room for improvisation. The cartoon has already been lip-synced to the voice that Carlos provided us with before he had to leave. And quite frankly we don't have the time or the money to change it now. So we need you to repeat his words exactly for the first few episodes.
FRASIER
Oh really?
JACK
Now we'll play you Carlos saying the line and all you need to do is repeat it at the same speed but of course with your own personal touch.
FRASIER
I think I can manage that. It's a little different from playing Hamlet but I think I can cope.
FRASIER PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES AS JACK EXITS TO BEHIND THE GLASS PARTITION
JACK
Now in this first section Chesty has gone to visit his girlfriend Candy. So all you have to do is repeat what you hear and let us know if you want a break.
FRASIER
Very well.
JACK
Ok Dr. Crane if you want the line played again just let us know. OK here we go.
CARLOS
(IN A VERY THICK, STRONG SPANISH ACCENT WHICH IS BARELY UNDERSTANDABLE) Hello there Candy.
FRASIER
Hello there Candy. Wait a second can I do that again. I don't think I really got the warmth that the situation required.
JACK
The warmth?
FRASIER
Yes, there should be some love in the voice after all these chipmunks are dating. We should try to keep this as realistic as possible.
JACK
OK Dr. Crane, once again.
FRASIER
Hello there Candy. See that was much better.
CANDY
Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you.
CARLOS
Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.
FRASIER
Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.
AS FRASIER CONTINUES RECORDING WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
FADE IN:
INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Gil, Beth (V.O.))
FRASIER AND ROZ ARE SITTING ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES ON THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE BETH
FRASIER
Beth, the feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly natural. Now we may not like it but death is a part of life that we really have to cope with. No one wants to die. And when we loose a loved one it can be the most painful thing that we experience in ours lives. But you have to go on living Beth. I think Mickey would have wanted that for you. He wouldn't have wanted you to feel like this.
BETH
But it's just so hard.
FRASIER
I know it is Beth. But it will get better with time. In a moment I will ask Roz to give you some numbers for some bereavement counsellors who may be able to help you come to terms with you loss. But before I turn you over to Roz I think there's something that you need to do.
BETH
I know Dr. Crane but it's just so hard.
FRASIER
I'm here for you Beth. Now let go of Mickey, it's not right to hold onto his body like this. Have you put him down?
BETH
Yes Dr. Crane. He just looks so helpless.
FRASIER
I know he does Beth. I think you know what you should do next.
BETH
OK
THE SOUND OF A TOILET FLUSHING CAN NOT BE HEARD OVER THE PHONE
FRASIER
So long Mickey. You're going to where all good goldfish eventually go. Before I sign off, may I just take this opportunity to remind my listeners with small children that Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk will be broadcast at the end of the week with yours truly starring as Chesty. So make sure you tune in as Chesty lends an ear to all of his fury friends in need. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental health.
FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS GIL ENTERS
GIL
Wonderful show today Frasier. How do you cope with all of these loonies? It makes one want to carry a sharp stick when out on the street. All I have to cope with is the occasional angry restaurant owner and suicidal chef.
FRASIER
Who then call my show. It's the circle of life.
GIL
I was just curious as to when your cartoon was going to be broadcast. Deb and I wanted to make sure that we didn't miss it.
FRASIER
It's not actually been given a very good time slot in all honesty Gil.
GIL
Why what time is it on?
FRASIER
Two AM on Fridays. As it's aimed at a youth audience you'd have thought they would have aired it at a more suitable time. Still the children's television market is a competitive one, it's only fair that we earn our right to be aired prime-time.
GIL
And with your talent it will only be a matter of time before KACL is bombarded with fan mail from the adoring children of Seattle.
FRASIER
All right Gil I've told you if I can get you a guest spot on the show I will.
GIL
Just making sure you haven't forgotten.
GIL EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS FROM HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER
How could I forget? I'm surprised you haven't tried to tattoo it on my forehead.
ROZ
So have you seen the tape yet?
FRASIER
No, Bebe is supposed to be dropping it by this afternoon. Are you still going to come over and watch it tonight?
ROZ
Of course. I don't think I'll be able to catch it when it's broadcast.
FRASIER
Of course, you're normally looking for your underwear and trying to remember if you've got any fresh milk in the house at that time. So how is Ned?
ROZ
For your information I've broken it off.
FRASIER
I always knew you had a strong grip.
ROZ
Ha! I am really going to miss him though.
FRASIER
Well why wouldn't you miss a Prince Charming like that? After all he did like to make love amongst animal excrement and send you erotic 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' rhymes. No wonder you're heart broken.
AS FRASIER EXITS WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Bebe, Eddie)
FRASIER ENTERS TO AN EMPTY ROOM
FRASIER
Hello. Anybody home?
MARTIN
(CALLING FROM THE KITCHEN) I'm in here Fras.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN IS TRYING DESPERATELY TO REACH A SIX PACK OF BEER ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
What are you doing?
MARTIN
Daphne's hidden my beer on top of the icebox.
FRASIER
For any particular reason?
MARTIN
She's cutting off my supply until I do my exercises without complaining.
FRASIER
Then I'd have to say bravo Daphne.
MARTIN
Oh come on Fras, give me a hand. Help an old man in need. You won't regret it.
FRASIER
Those are the very words Niles utter to me eight years ago when I took you in.
MARTIN
And?
FRASIER
I'm still regreting it.
MARTIN
So you're not going to help me.
FRASIER
Only if you need a kidney or bone marrow.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM
NILES
Hi Frasier.
FRASIER
Hello Niles. What were you doing in Daphne's room?
NILES
Teaching her how to scuba dive, naturally.
FRASIER
How delightfully funny.
NILES
You don't have a problem with my being in Daphne's room do you?
FRASIER
If I had a problem I wouldn't have told you how she felt. I was just curious about how your injury was holding up.
NILES
At the minute it's not holding up at all. There's nothing for it to hold up.
FRASIER
You mean your not…
NILES
No.
FRASIER
Still a no go area?
NILES
Like the docks after dark.
FRASIER
Sorry. Is it a bit of a touchy area?
NILES
Not at the moment.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Hello Dr. Crane. Bebe's not here yet is she?
FRASIER
No not yet.
DAPHNE
Good. I've still got me stun gun on charge.
NILES
Frasier, why has Dad put Eddie on the refrigerator?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
EDDIE IS STANDING ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR AS MARTIN DIRECTS HIM
MARTIN
Come on boy. Just nudge it over to me. That's it.
ENTER FRASIER AND NILES
FRASIER
Dad!
MARTIN
What?
FRASIER
Get that flea infested, fur covered colon off there.
EXIT FRASIER. AS MARTIN GETS EDDIE DOWN NILES GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE
MARTIN
Hay Niles, you're taller than I am. Reach up and get me a beer please.
NILES
Dad, she would kill me.
MARTIN
What do you think I'm going to do to you?
NILES
I'm sorry Dad, no.
MARTIN
After everything I've done for you. After all the extra shifts I put in to put you through medical school, after…
NILES
Save the guilt trip Dad, I'm not Jewish, it doesn't work.
SFX: DOORBELL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE
DAPHNE
Hello Bebe.
BEBE
Miss. Moon.
FRASIER
I didn't expect you over so soon.
NILES
You could tell she was in the building. Eddie started whimpering.
BEBE
I see he's been taking lessons off you then Niles.
FRASIER
Have you got the tape?
BEBE
I certainly have.
FRASIER
Then our after dinner entertainment's all settled.
DAPHNE
(SOTTO TO NILES) Why is she going to turn into a bat?
AS DINNER IS STARTED WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'THE INNOCENCE OF NO CHIPMUNK WAS VIOLATED DURING THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Bebe, Candy (V.O.))
NILES AND DAPHNE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH FRASIER NEXT TO THEM AND BEBE PERCHED ON THE ARM NEAREST MARTIN WHO IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR CLUTCHING HIS CANE
FRASIER
I don't know what's keeping Roz. She's still not answering her phone.
DAPHNE
She's probably taking Alice around to the babysitters.
MARTIN
She'll be here soon. Just start the tape, the games on in twenty minutes.
FRASIER
Oh all right then.
FRASIER PRESSES PLAY ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.
BEBE
Oh look at that. Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk, starring Dr. Frasier Crane as Chesty. Are there anymore sweeter words in the English dictionary then that?
FRASIER
Therapy at one hundred and fifty dollars an hour springs to mind.
NILES
And starring as Candy. Traci Lords?
FRASIER
I didn't know she did the voice for Candy.
BEBE
Oh didn't you dear? It must have slipped my mind.
CHESTY
Hello there Candy.
CANDY
Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you.
CHESTY
Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.
CANDY
Oh Chesty you naughty thing.
SOUNDS OF GROANS AND MOANS CAN THEN BE HEARD ON THE TELEVISION ACCOMPANIED BY A CLASSIC PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE TUNE, AS THE HOUSEHOLD EXCEPT BEBE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED AND HORRIFIED AT THE SCREEN
FRASIER
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
Are you sure this is aimed at children Dr. Crane? Because if it is I'm almost certain Candy shouldn't have her hand there.
FRASIER
Bebe?
BEBE
Yes dear?
FRASIER
This isn't a children's cartoon is it?
BEBE
Not exactly darling.
MARTIN
Wow, look at them go.
FRASIER
This is animated animal porn!
BEBE
It could be considered that if you chose that interpretation.
FRASIER
There is only one interpretation here. Chesty and Candy are having sex on the kitchen table.
NILES
They were, now they've discovered it's much more comfortable on that little acorn oven. You could have turned the stove off first.
FRASIER
I don't believe this.
MARTIN
You mean you didn't know?
FRASIER
Oh course I didn't. Do you honestly think that I would knowingly make this kind of smut?
CHESTY
Oh yeah, that's so good. More, more!
THE MOANS BECOME LOUDER
DAPHNE
But that's your voice.
FRASIER
I know.
MARTIN
Then what did you think he was doing?
FRASIER
Having lunch.
MARTIN
And the groaning?
FRASIER
I just thought he was really enjoying his nuts.
NILES
Well if he's not Candy sure is.
FRASIER
I can't believe that you would do this to me Bebe. It's being aired tomorrow. Everyone I know is going to be watching. I even got Tooty the story book lady and Miss. Judy from the arts and crafts to promote it on their shows. Not to mention all the publicity I gave it on my show.
BEBE
I'm sorry. But after all the character isn't called Chesty the chaste and cheerful chipmunk. You shouldn't be so presumptuous.
FRASIER
Granted but I didn't expect him to be rolling around on the floor with the other characters. Do you have any idea what this is going to do for my reputation?
DAPHNE
It'll be in fitting with your reputation after you had sex on the air with Kate.
FRASIER
Thankyou Daphne. What were you thinking?
BEBE
About my beach house on Maui mostly.
MARTIN
Hey, who's this.
FRASIER
Chip the chipmunk. It just gets worse from here.
DAPHNE
I'll say. He shouldn't be doing that to Chesty.
MARTIN
At least it gives Candy a time-out.
FRASIER
This is turning into a full-blown orgy. That's it. I know I've said this before, but this time it really is it. Bebe, you're fired.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND GESTURES FOR BEBE TO LEAVE
BEBE
You say that now but you'll be back. Do you have any idea the kind of audience that this is going to get?
MARTIN
Wow, look at that.
DAPHNE
I didn't need to see that.
NILES
They've finished.
MARTIN
Wait no, here they go again.
DAPHNE
Randy little bleeder.
NILES
I am not!… surprised that this has happened.
BEBE
Keep your big nose out of this. Listen Frasier, you reach one kind of audience and now it's time to reach out and touch a whole different kind of audience.
FRASIER
I wouldn't touch anyone who watches this with a ten-foot pole. This is probably the cheapest pornographic thrill in the world.
BEBE
But if they get kicks from this, just think of the psychological problems they must have, that's why I've got them to advertise your radio show at the end of the episode. Tomorrow the phone lines will be jammed.
FRASIER
You did what?
BEBE
That way you get more callers.
ENTER ROZ
ROZ
Hi guys. Sorry I'm late.
BEBE
You haven't missed much. The best bits coming later.
FRASIER
Get out.
ROZ
But I just got here. I've said I was sorry.
FRASIER
I was talking to Bebe.
BEBE
Fine I'll leave but you'll be back. Like a moth to an open flame.
EXIT BEBE
ROZ
What is this?
MARTIN
Frasier's cartoon.
ROZ
No way!
DAPHNE
He's certainly a lot more flexible than you are Dr. Crane.
ROZ
And from what I've seen, scores more often than you as well. Look at his tail go.
FRASIER
I've had enough of this.
HE RIPS THE TAPE OUT OF THE VCR
MARTIN
Oh Frasier.
DAPHNE
I was just getting into that.
FRASIER
Why did I ever listen to that woman? I'm going to be a laughing stock.
NILES
What's that smell?
FRASIER
What smell?
NILES
That smell. Like animals.
FRASIER
The cartoon wasn't smell-a-vision if that's what you're implying.
DAPHNE
No it's coming from…
NILES
Roz.
ROZ
It's not.
FRASIER
You've been to the zoo again, haven't you?
ROZ
No!
FRASIER
Roz.
ROZ
Oh all right.
NILES
What were you doing at the zoo?
FRASIER
Having sex in the monkey enclosure.
NILES
Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room.
ROZ
It was the last time I promise. There is no chance of it happening again.
DAPHNE
Why? Did you get caught?
MARTIN
I don't need to here this.
MARTIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
ROZ
No. We had a little accident.
NILES
You didn't get him mixed up with a monkey did you? Dad arrested someone for that once.
ROZ
No. I kind of accidentally made him sit on something.
FRASIER
Please don't tell me you're in my apartment with your rear end covered in monkey waste.
ROZ
No. He accidentally sat on the pitchfork he uses to shovel the straw in the pen.
FRASIER
Oh dear.
ROZ
I had to drive him to the emergency room. He looked as if he had permanent Morse code tattooed on his ass. Needless to say the romance had gone and the relationship was over from that point.
NILES
In the monkey house? That's a new low point even for you.
ENTER MARTIN WITH A BEER
DAPHNE
Where did you get that?
MARTIN
On top of the refrigerator.
DAPHNE
How?
MARTIN
I hooked it off with my cane. I knew I had this thing for some reason.
FRASIER
Oh course, using it to maintain your balance and help you move around would be too obvious.
MARTIN
Not as obvious as it would be, that a person making those kind of noises was really enjoying their food.
FRASIER
I don't think this day could get much worse.
DAPHNE
Hey Dr. Crane you're on the news.
FRASIER
Turn it up Dad.
ANCHORMAN
On tonight's news. The loveable Seattle shrink Dr. Frasier Crane and his secret underworld pornographic activities. Also the couple who had sex in the monkey house at the Mercer Island Zoo. Zoo management are looking for names after couple are caught on camera.
ROZ
Oh my God. Look at the size of my ass.
NILES
I'd be more concerned with the tourists watching you and eating popcorn.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
FRASIER
Hello. No I don't care to comment.
MARTIN
I hate to say this to you Frasier but, I told you so.
FRASIER
All right Dad.
ROZ
Could you tell who I was from that?
DAPHNE
Not from that angle.
NILES
Although about a thousand men might in the Seattle area might.
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN
Don't answer it Frasier.
FRASIER
Who is it?
BEBE
(THROUGH THE DOOR) Just someone who might be able to defuse this situation.
MARTIN
I can defuse this situation. You keep her talking, I'll go and get my gun.
AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO