Once again I don't own any of these characters, I only write these because I amuse myself by doing them.

Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Five
Cartoon Capers

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Bebe, Eddie)

MARTIN IS LYING ON HIS BACK ON THE FLOOR WITH DAPHNE EXERCISING HIS HIP AND LEG. EDDIE IS LYING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR.

DAPHNE

Right, enough of that, now the other leg. We don't want it to feel left out now do we?

MARTIN

You enjoy putting me through this don't you?

DAPHNE

Do you want to be able to move around on your own or not? We need to keep you limber for that long trek to the refrigerator to get a beer. I've often thought hiding the television remote control would give you more exercise. Or keeping your beer on top of the fridge so you'd have to jump up to reach it.

MARTIN

And I'd be thanking you every opportunity that I got while lying in the hospital bed with a cracked hip.

DAPHNE

Anyone would think that I enjoyed making you suffer.

MARTIN

Well don't you, witch woman?

DAPHNE

I may have a sardonic streak in me but it's not that big. Anyway it's one of the perks of the job. Your son just happens to be another perk of the job. A perk that I hadn't fully appreciated until Dr. Crane stuck his conk in. And I should watch who you're calling witch woman while you're in your current position. I'm sure I could make this foot touch the floor behind your head with a bit of effort and a quick click of a hip.

MARTIN

Eddie, you chew her leg while I push her off.

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR IN HIS SQUASH CLOTHES AND CARRYING HIS BAG AND RACKET. HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN.

FRASIER

Oh for God's sake Niles, the ball did not hit you that hard. My backhand is not that powerful.

NILES

(CALLING FROM THE HALL) How would you know? You weren't on the other end. It would have been less painful if you'd shot it out of a cannon.

FRASIER

Stop being such a baby.

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

FRASIER

I accidentally hit Niles with the squash ball.

NILES

(CALLING FROM THE HALL) Accidentally? It was a full-blown assault, I'm surprised you didn't try to finish the job and beat me to death with your racket.

DAPHNE

Where did you hit him?

FRASIER

At the squash court.

DAPHNE

No I mean where on his body.

NILES ENTERS WALKING VERY SLOWLY, HOLDING ON TO THE DOOR AND THEN THE CONSOLE FOR SUPPORT WITH ONE HAND AND HOLDING HIS GROIN WITH THE OTHER

FRASIER

No where important. At least you've got your breath back now. I was beginning to think I was going to have to give you CPR.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND HELPS HIM TO THE COUCH

DAPHNE

Oh honey! I was going to ask if I should kiss it better but I think I should just go and get some ice instead.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR.

MARTIN

A squash ball? That's nothing. Has your own horse ever kicked you in the crown jewels? It sounded as if I'd been breathing in helium all week. I had a shoe print there for weeks. Maybe you should go and see a doctor Niles if it's really that painful.

NILES

I have enough trouble turning my head and coughing in front of that man as it is without going to see him about this.

ENTER DAPHNE WITH AN ICE PACK

DAPHNE

Here you go.

NILES LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE SITS WITH HIM AND APPLIES THE ICE PACK

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Is that better?

NILES

Err… Yeah. On so many levels.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

FRASIER

Did you ever consider how my back is after I had to drag you off the court by your ankles?

NILES

I have a swimmers build for God's sake. How heavy can I be?

FRASIER

Point taken. At least your eyes have stopped watering now.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE

FRASIER

Oh hi Bebe.

BEBE

There he is. My number one client. Seattle's knight in shining armour. The person who puts a glow into every patient at the lunatic asylum.

FRASIER

That's not me, its electro-shock therapy that accomplishes that small feat.

BEBE

Yes but has it sent more people on the path to mental health? I think not.

FRASIER

What do you want?

NILES

To give you colonic irrigation by the sounds of it. She's trying to get her head that far up your… Ouch!

DAPHNE

Sorry am I being too hard?

NILES

No but something else is. I think I'd better hold it.

NILES SITS UP AND TAKES THE ICE PACK OFF DAPHNE

BEBE

I didn't know this had become part of your duties Miss. Moon. Frasier you should have warned me so I can keep it out of the papers. Damage control is my specialty.

FRASIER

Oh really?

BEBE

That's right. If I had been in the Clinton administration no one would have ever heard of Monica Lewinsky.

FRASIER

Only because you'd have killed her and buried her in the grounds of the White House.

BEBE

And your point would be?

MARTIN

Frasier hit him with a squash ball.

BEBE

My, my, Frasier I didn't know you had such a good aim. That's like trying to hit a flea on an elephant's behind.

NILES

Shouldn't you be burning on a stake somewhere?

FRASIER

Now, now children. Bebe what can I do for you?

BEBE

Now Frasier I have some really exciting news for you.

NILES

You've been exorcised?

BEBE DROPS HER PURSE ONTO NILES' LAP

NILES (CONT'D)

Ouch!

BEBE

Now, now Niles, there's no need to get testy.

NILES

What have you got in here? The book of the dead?

BEBE

A microscope and a pair of tweezers, would you care to step into the bathroom and check if you're still in one piece.

FRASIER

And the exciting news is?

BEBE

I've gotten you a job.

FRASIER

I already have a job. Now we've discussed this before. I'm happy at KACL.

BEBE

Think of it as part-time work.

MARTIN

Like she's a part-time agent. The rest of the time she spends grooming future Hitler's and making it rain sulphur.

FRASIER

Doing what?

BEBE

I've spoken to the producers over at Upmarket Pictures and they want you, Frasier Crane. The man whose voice could melt an ice sculpture. The man with more talent than the rest of that radio station put together. The man whose talents shouldn't be wasted on just one project. The man…

FRASIER

Oh spit it out!

BEBE

They want you to be the voice of new cartoon character 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk'.

FRASIER

Me? The voice for a cartoon character?

BEBE

That's right.

DAPHNE

Here we go again. Brace yourselves.

FRASIER

I don't know Bebe. I'm a psychiatrist not an actor. How are my callers supposed to take me seriously after hearing my voice come from a colourful cartoon character?

BEBE

But think of it was a way to educate the youth of America. Each character in the show represents a different angle on American culture. Each episode will deal of a conflict of some sort and have morals seeping from every orifice. Not unlike your work on KACL a resolution will come from rational thought, sound reasoning and confrontation. It's your opportunity to take psychology out of the grasps of the stuffed shirts and place it on a silver platter for our children to understand and love. And they're offering a four-figure sum per episode.

FRASIER

Would I have some input on the story lines and analysis of the situations?

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

BEBE

But of course.

FRASIER

And it would need to be scheduled around my work on the radio.

BEBE

It has. I mean it will.

NILES

I knew it wouldn't be long before you had a talking doll and your face on a lunchbox. Why do you let this woman talk you into these things?

FRASIER

Now Niles, if it's a way of introducing the world of psychology to children where's the harm?

NILES

It will make a mockery of the entire profession. Fine teach children about psychology but don't do it through the commercial eye of a chipmunk named Charlie.

BEBE

It's Chesty. And it's brilliant.

FRASIER

This is just retaliation for that squash ball and I'm not going to listen to it. Bebe you've got a deal.

BEBE

Wonderful. I'll call them right away.

BEBE EXITS TO THE TERRACE WITH THE TELEPHONE

MARTIN

Well good luck to you Frasier.

FRASIER

Then you approve?

MARTIN

No, I think you're nuts. I wouldn't trust that woman as far as I could throw her. Which isn't far.

DAPHNE

That's only because the moment she's airborne she'd flap her arms and start to fly.

NILES

Ouch!

DAPHNE

Why don't you go and rub some of my cream on it. It's in the bathroom. I use it to reduce the swelling on your father's hip.

NILES

I'm willing to give anything a try.

NILES, SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BATHROOM

DAPHNE

Are you sure you don't need any help?

NILES

I think I'll manage.

DAPHNE

Yell if you need me.

NILES

Is that a general rule or just for this instance?

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

NILES EXITS AS BEBE ENTERS FROM THE TERRACE

BEBE

It's all set. They want you down at the studio Wednesday at eleven. That gives you enough time to record your part and head over to the radio station. They're ecstatic that you've chosen to do it, the deadline was fast approaching.

FRASIER

Deadline?

BEBE

Yes, the first episode airs next week.

MARTIN

Next week? I thought it took months to make a cartoon.

BEBE

It does. But you see the animation is already complete for the first dozen or so episodes. They just need you to add the voice, as the person previously hired can no longer do the remainder of the episodes. So instead of switching voices half way through they've decided to have a new 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk' from the very beginning.

FRASIER

Why couldn't he do the rest of the season?

BEBE

He was executed last week.

ENTER NILES

DAPHNE

Is it feeling any better?

NILES

Not at the moment.

DAPHNE

You used the cream in the white tub?

NILES

No. The red one.

DAPHNE

Oh you silly sod. That's deep heat.

NILES

So what does that mean?

BEBE

Prepare to have your balls burnt off baby.

NILES

So what do I do?

DAPHNE

Let's get you into Dr. Crane's bath before it kicks in.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

FRASIER

So 'Chesty' it is.

BEBE

You're going to make an adorable chipmunk dear.

FRASIER

This is wonderful, I've always wanted to do something aimed at the youth market.

NILES SUDDENLY LETS FLY A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM AS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'MONKEY BUSINESS'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Waitress)

ROZ IS SITTING READING A LETTER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Hi Roz.

ROZ

Hiya Frasier.

FRASIER SITS DOWN AS A WAITRESS COMES OVER

FRASIER

A latte please. So what are you reading?

ROZ

Just a letter from a friend.

FRASIER

Oh anyone I know.

ROZ

It's a friend! A friend! Do you have to know everything?

FRASIER

It's from Ned again isn't it?

ROZ

No. I told you I finished it with him.

FRASIER

Then why does this letter smell like the animal house at the zoo?

ROZ

It doesn't. Smell it.

SHE PUTS THE LETTER UNDER HIS NOSE

FRASIER

Well something smells like it.

ROZ

Maybe someone's just walked in who's been to the zoo today.

FRASIER

You can't pull the wool over my eyes. You're dating Ned again aren't you?

ROZ

No, I'm not as a matter of fact I'm not.

FRASIER

OK let me rephrase. You're sleeping with Ned again aren't you?

ROZ

Once again my answer would have to be no.

FRASIER

Then once again I'll rephrase. You're having sex with Ned again aren't you?

ROZ

No!

FRASIER

Roz.

ROZ

Oh all right yes. So what. Just because you're not having sex doesn't mean that I have to take a vow of chastity as well. Celibacy is just not my style.

FRASIER

Some serious Hail Mary's would be needed to make you chaste again Roz.

ROZ

At least my virginity hasn't grown back.

THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER FRASIER'S LATTE. HAVING HEARD THE LAST PART OF THE CONVERSATION, FRASIER JUST SMILES AT THE WAITRESS

FRASIER

That's very amusing. But Ned how could you?

ROZ

I know, I'm weak and pathetic. But I just happened to be walking past the zoo and there he was in the monkey house looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes.

FRASIER

I take it we're not talking about Larry the Ape.

ROZ

No Ned.

FRASIER

He works at the zoo on Mercer Island right?

ROZ

That's right.

FRASIER

What were you doing there?

ROZ

I felt like having a little trip out.

FRASIER

Wait a second. The monkey house is at the back of the zoo.

ROZ

So.

FRASIER

You said you were walking past the zoo when you saw him.

ROZ

Walking passed, in, what's the difference.

FRASIER

Tell me you didn't Roz.

ROZ

I didn't.

FRASIER

Are you lying?

ROZ

Yes.

FRASIER

Oh Roz. How could you?

ROZ

I know it's been a long time but you can't surely have forgotten.

FRASIER

You had sex in the monkey house again didn't you?

ROZ

Oh God Yes

FRASIER

Surrounded by monkeys?

ROZ

Well Ned is the king of the swingers. He wrote me another poem while I tried to get the straw out of my hair.

FRASIER

A zookeeper and a poet no wonder you were drawn to him. Roz this isn't a poem, it's a nursery rhyme.

ROZ

It's a poem.

FRASIER

It isn't. Mary had a little lamb.

ROZ

It may start that way, but you have to read on.

FRASIER

Oh I see. Well if Mary has always been able to lift her legs that high why on earth has she been tending sheep for so long. She could have made her fortune in another profession.

AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING WE:

FADE OUT:

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. RECORDING STUDIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Bebe, Jack, Carlos (V.O.), Candy (V.O.))

FRASIER IS STANDING WITH BEBE NEXT TO A LARGE MICROPHONE. TO THE RIGHT IS A GLASS PARTITION LIKE IN HIS OWN BOOTH. ENTER JACK.

JACK

Hello Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Hello Jack.

THEY SHAKE HANDS

FRASIER

Are you all ready for me today?

JACK

We certainly are. Hello Bebe.

BEBE

Hello Jack. Now you must promise to take care of my number one client here. He's a precious commodity.

JACK

I thought I was your number one client.

BEBE

That was when I wanted a favour. I'll see you later then Frasier. I have to have a meeting about the commercial rights. By the time I'm through you shall have Chesty lunchboxes, Chesty toys, Chesty drain cleaners and even Chesty reusable band-aids. Bye sweetie.

EXIT BEBE

FRASIER

But Bebe…

JACK

Right Dr. Crane. For the first few weeks we're going to have to do things a little different.

FRASIER

How so?

JACK

At the moment there is no room for improvisation. The cartoon has already been lip-synced to the voice that Carlos provided us with before he had to leave. And quite frankly we don't have the time or the money to change it now. So we need you to repeat his words exactly for the first few episodes.

FRASIER

Oh really?

JACK

Now we'll play you Carlos saying the line and all you need to do is repeat it at the same speed but of course with your own personal touch.

FRASIER

I think I can manage that. It's a little different from playing Hamlet but I think I can cope.

FRASIER PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES AS JACK EXITS TO BEHIND THE GLASS PARTITION

JACK

Now in this first section Chesty has gone to visit his girlfriend Candy. So all you have to do is repeat what you hear and let us know if you want a break.

FRASIER

Very well.

JACK

Ok Dr. Crane if you want the line played again just let us know. OK here we go.

CARLOS

(IN A VERY THICK, STRONG SPANISH ACCENT WHICH IS BARELY UNDERSTANDABLE) Hello there Candy.

FRASIER

Hello there Candy. Wait a second can I do that again. I don't think I really got the warmth that the situation required.

JACK

The warmth?

FRASIER

Yes, there should be some love in the voice after all these chipmunks are dating. We should try to keep this as realistic as possible.

JACK

OK Dr. Crane, once again.

FRASIER

Hello there Candy. See that was much better.

CANDY

Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you.

CARLOS

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.

FRASIER

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES RECORDING WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Gil, Beth (V.O.))

FRASIER AND ROZ ARE SITTING ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES ON THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE BETH

FRASIER

Beth, the feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly natural. Now we may not like it but death is a part of life that we really have to cope with. No one wants to die. And when we loose a loved one it can be the most painful thing that we experience in ours lives. But you have to go on living Beth. I think Mickey would have wanted that for you. He wouldn't have wanted you to feel like this.

BETH

But it's just so hard.

FRASIER

I know it is Beth. But it will get better with time. In a moment I will ask Roz to give you some numbers for some bereavement counsellors who may be able to help you come to terms with you loss. But before I turn you over to Roz I think there's something that you need to do.

BETH

I know Dr. Crane but it's just so hard.

FRASIER

I'm here for you Beth. Now let go of Mickey, it's not right to hold onto his body like this. Have you put him down?

BETH

Yes Dr. Crane. He just looks so helpless.

FRASIER

I know he does Beth. I think you know what you should do next.

BETH

OK

THE SOUND OF A TOILET FLUSHING CAN NOT BE HEARD OVER THE PHONE

FRASIER

So long Mickey. You're going to where all good goldfish eventually go. Before I sign off, may I just take this opportunity to remind my listeners with small children that Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk will be broadcast at the end of the week with yours truly starring as Chesty. So make sure you tune in as Chesty lends an ear to all of his fury friends in need. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental health.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS GIL ENTERS

GIL

Wonderful show today Frasier. How do you cope with all of these loonies? It makes one want to carry a sharp stick when out on the street. All I have to cope with is the occasional angry restaurant owner and suicidal chef.

FRASIER

Who then call my show. It's the circle of life.

GIL

I was just curious as to when your cartoon was going to be broadcast. Deb and I wanted to make sure that we didn't miss it.

FRASIER

It's not actually been given a very good time slot in all honesty Gil.

GIL

Why what time is it on?

FRASIER

Two AM on Fridays. As it's aimed at a youth audience you'd have thought they would have aired it at a more suitable time. Still the children's television market is a competitive one, it's only fair that we earn our right to be aired prime-time.

GIL

And with your talent it will only be a matter of time before KACL is bombarded with fan mail from the adoring children of Seattle.

FRASIER

All right Gil I've told you if I can get you a guest spot on the show I will.

GIL

Just making sure you haven't forgotten.

GIL EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS FROM HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER

How could I forget? I'm surprised you haven't tried to tattoo it on my forehead.

ROZ

So have you seen the tape yet?

FRASIER

No, Bebe is supposed to be dropping it by this afternoon. Are you still going to come over and watch it tonight?

ROZ

Of course. I don't think I'll be able to catch it when it's broadcast.

FRASIER

Of course, you're normally looking for your underwear and trying to remember if you've got any fresh milk in the house at that time. So how is Ned?

ROZ

For your information I've broken it off.

FRASIER

I always knew you had a strong grip.

ROZ

Ha! I am really going to miss him though.

FRASIER

Well why wouldn't you miss a Prince Charming like that? After all he did like to make love amongst animal excrement and send you erotic 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' rhymes. No wonder you're heart broken.

AS FRASIER EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Bebe, Eddie)

FRASIER ENTERS TO AN EMPTY ROOM

FRASIER

Hello. Anybody home?

MARTIN

(CALLING FROM THE KITCHEN) I'm in here Fras.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS TRYING DESPERATELY TO REACH A SIX PACK OF BEER ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

What are you doing?

MARTIN

Daphne's hidden my beer on top of the icebox.

FRASIER

For any particular reason?

MARTIN

She's cutting off my supply until I do my exercises without complaining.

FRASIER

Then I'd have to say bravo Daphne.

MARTIN

Oh come on Fras, give me a hand. Help an old man in need. You won't regret it.

FRASIER

Those are the very words Niles utter to me eight years ago when I took you in.

MARTIN

And?

FRASIER

I'm still regreting it.

MARTIN

So you're not going to help me.

FRASIER

Only if you need a kidney or bone marrow.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM

NILES

Hi Frasier.

FRASIER

Hello Niles. What were you doing in Daphne's room?

NILES

Teaching her how to scuba dive, naturally.

FRASIER

How delightfully funny.

NILES

You don't have a problem with my being in Daphne's room do you?

FRASIER

If I had a problem I wouldn't have told you how she felt. I was just curious about how your injury was holding up.

NILES

At the minute it's not holding up at all. There's nothing for it to hold up.

FRASIER

You mean your not…

NILES

No.

FRASIER

Still a no go area?

NILES

Like the docks after dark.

FRASIER

Sorry. Is it a bit of a touchy area?

NILES

Not at the moment.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Hello Dr. Crane. Bebe's not here yet is she?

FRASIER

No not yet.

DAPHNE

Good. I've still got me stun gun on charge.

NILES

Frasier, why has Dad put Eddie on the refrigerator?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE IS STANDING ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR AS MARTIN DIRECTS HIM

MARTIN

Come on boy. Just nudge it over to me. That's it.

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES

FRASIER

Dad!

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

Get that flea infested, fur covered colon off there.

EXIT FRASIER. AS MARTIN GETS EDDIE DOWN NILES GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE

MARTIN

Hay Niles, you're taller than I am. Reach up and get me a beer please.

NILES

Dad, she would kill me.

MARTIN

What do you think I'm going to do to you?

NILES

I'm sorry Dad, no.

MARTIN

After everything I've done for you. After all the extra shifts I put in to put you through medical school, after…

NILES

Save the guilt trip Dad, I'm not Jewish, it doesn't work.

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE

DAPHNE

Hello Bebe.

BEBE

Miss. Moon.

FRASIER

I didn't expect you over so soon.

NILES

You could tell she was in the building. Eddie started whimpering.

BEBE

I see he's been taking lessons off you then Niles.

FRASIER

Have you got the tape?

BEBE

I certainly have.

FRASIER

Then our after dinner entertainment's all settled.

DAPHNE

(SOTTO TO NILES) Why is she going to turn into a bat?

AS DINNER IS STARTED WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'THE INNOCENCE OF NO CHIPMUNK WAS VIOLATED DURING THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Bebe, Candy (V.O.))

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH FRASIER NEXT TO THEM AND BEBE PERCHED ON THE ARM NEAREST MARTIN WHO IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR CLUTCHING HIS CANE

FRASIER

I don't know what's keeping Roz. She's still not answering her phone.

DAPHNE

She's probably taking Alice around to the babysitters.

MARTIN

She'll be here soon. Just start the tape, the games on in twenty minutes.

FRASIER

Oh all right then.

FRASIER PRESSES PLAY ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.

BEBE

Oh look at that. Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk, starring Dr. Frasier Crane as Chesty. Are there anymore sweeter words in the English dictionary then that?

FRASIER

Therapy at one hundred and fifty dollars an hour springs to mind.

NILES

And starring as Candy. Traci Lords?

FRASIER

I didn't know she did the voice for Candy.

BEBE

Oh didn't you dear? It must have slipped my mind.

CHESTY

Hello there Candy.

CANDY

Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you.

CHESTY

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish.

CANDY

Oh Chesty you naughty thing.

SOUNDS OF GROANS AND MOANS CAN THEN BE HEARD ON THE TELEVISION ACCOMPANIED BY A CLASSIC PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE TUNE, AS THE HOUSEHOLD EXCEPT BEBE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED AND HORRIFIED AT THE SCREEN

FRASIER

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

Are you sure this is aimed at children Dr. Crane? Because if it is I'm almost certain Candy shouldn't have her hand there.

FRASIER

Bebe?

BEBE

Yes dear?

FRASIER

This isn't a children's cartoon is it?

BEBE

Not exactly darling.

MARTIN

Wow, look at them go.

FRASIER

This is animated animal porn!

BEBE

It could be considered that if you chose that interpretation.

FRASIER

There is only one interpretation here. Chesty and Candy are having sex on the kitchen table.

NILES

They were, now they've discovered it's much more comfortable on that little acorn oven. You could have turned the stove off first.

FRASIER

I don't believe this.

MARTIN

You mean you didn't know?

FRASIER

Oh course I didn't. Do you honestly think that I would knowingly make this kind of smut?

CHESTY

Oh yeah, that's so good. More, more!

THE MOANS BECOME LOUDER

DAPHNE

But that's your voice.

FRASIER

I know.

MARTIN

Then what did you think he was doing?

FRASIER

Having lunch.

MARTIN

And the groaning?

FRASIER

I just thought he was really enjoying his nuts.

NILES

Well if he's not Candy sure is.

FRASIER

I can't believe that you would do this to me Bebe. It's being aired tomorrow. Everyone I know is going to be watching. I even got Tooty the story book lady and Miss. Judy from the arts and crafts to promote it on their shows. Not to mention all the publicity I gave it on my show.

BEBE

I'm sorry. But after all the character isn't called Chesty the chaste and cheerful chipmunk. You shouldn't be so presumptuous.

FRASIER

Granted but I didn't expect him to be rolling around on the floor with the other characters. Do you have any idea what this is going to do for my reputation?

DAPHNE

It'll be in fitting with your reputation after you had sex on the air with Kate.

FRASIER

Thankyou Daphne. What were you thinking?

BEBE

About my beach house on Maui mostly.

MARTIN

Hey, who's this.

FRASIER

Chip the chipmunk. It just gets worse from here.

DAPHNE

I'll say. He shouldn't be doing that to Chesty.

MARTIN

At least it gives Candy a time-out.

FRASIER

This is turning into a full-blown orgy. That's it. I know I've said this before, but this time it really is it. Bebe, you're fired.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND GESTURES FOR BEBE TO LEAVE

BEBE

You say that now but you'll be back. Do you have any idea the kind of audience that this is going to get?

MARTIN

Wow, look at that.

DAPHNE

I didn't need to see that.

NILES

They've finished.

MARTIN

Wait no, here they go again.

DAPHNE

Randy little bleeder.

NILES

I am not!… surprised that this has happened.

BEBE

Keep your big nose out of this. Listen Frasier, you reach one kind of audience and now it's time to reach out and touch a whole different kind of audience.

FRASIER

I wouldn't touch anyone who watches this with a ten-foot pole. This is probably the cheapest pornographic thrill in the world.

BEBE

But if they get kicks from this, just think of the psychological problems they must have, that's why I've got them to advertise your radio show at the end of the episode. Tomorrow the phone lines will be jammed.

FRASIER

You did what?

BEBE

That way you get more callers.

ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Hi guys. Sorry I'm late.

BEBE

You haven't missed much. The best bits coming later.

FRASIER

Get out.

ROZ

But I just got here. I've said I was sorry.

FRASIER

I was talking to Bebe.

BEBE

Fine I'll leave but you'll be back. Like a moth to an open flame.

EXIT BEBE

ROZ

What is this?

MARTIN

Frasier's cartoon.

ROZ

No way!

DAPHNE

He's certainly a lot more flexible than you are Dr. Crane.

ROZ

And from what I've seen, scores more often than you as well. Look at his tail go.

FRASIER

I've had enough of this.

HE RIPS THE TAPE OUT OF THE VCR

MARTIN

Oh Frasier.

DAPHNE

I was just getting into that.

FRASIER

Why did I ever listen to that woman? I'm going to be a laughing stock.

NILES

What's that smell?

FRASIER

What smell?

NILES

That smell. Like animals.

FRASIER

The cartoon wasn't smell-a-vision if that's what you're implying.

DAPHNE

No it's coming from…

NILES

Roz.

ROZ

It's not.

FRASIER

You've been to the zoo again, haven't you?

ROZ

No!

FRASIER

Roz.

ROZ

Oh all right.

NILES

What were you doing at the zoo?

FRASIER

Having sex in the monkey enclosure.

NILES

Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room.

ROZ

It was the last time I promise. There is no chance of it happening again.

DAPHNE

Why? Did you get caught?

MARTIN

I don't need to here this.

MARTIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

No. We had a little accident.

NILES

You didn't get him mixed up with a monkey did you? Dad arrested someone for that once.

ROZ

No. I kind of accidentally made him sit on something.

FRASIER

Please don't tell me you're in my apartment with your rear end covered in monkey waste.

ROZ

No. He accidentally sat on the pitchfork he uses to shovel the straw in the pen.

FRASIER

Oh dear.

ROZ

I had to drive him to the emergency room. He looked as if he had permanent Morse code tattooed on his ass. Needless to say the romance had gone and the relationship was over from that point.

NILES

In the monkey house? That's a new low point even for you.

ENTER MARTIN WITH A BEER

DAPHNE

Where did you get that?

MARTIN

On top of the refrigerator.

DAPHNE

How?

MARTIN

I hooked it off with my cane. I knew I had this thing for some reason.

FRASIER

Oh course, using it to maintain your balance and help you move around would be too obvious.

MARTIN

Not as obvious as it would be, that a person making those kind of noises was really enjoying their food.

FRASIER

I don't think this day could get much worse.

DAPHNE

Hey Dr. Crane you're on the news.

FRASIER

Turn it up Dad.

ANCHORMAN

On tonight's news. The loveable Seattle shrink Dr. Frasier Crane and his secret underworld pornographic activities. Also the couple who had sex in the monkey house at the Mercer Island Zoo. Zoo management are looking for names after couple are caught on camera.

ROZ

Oh my God. Look at the size of my ass.

NILES

I'd be more concerned with the tourists watching you and eating popcorn.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER

Hello. No I don't care to comment.

MARTIN

I hate to say this to you Frasier but, I told you so.

FRASIER

All right Dad.

ROZ

Could you tell who I was from that?

DAPHNE

Not from that angle.

NILES

Although about a thousand men might in the Seattle area might.

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN

Don't answer it Frasier.

FRASIER

Who is it?

BEBE

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Just someone who might be able to defuse this situation.

MARTIN

I can defuse this situation. You keep her talking, I'll go and get my gun.

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO