I don't own any of these characters.

For Elaine because she asked so nicely.


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Six
Terrace Tantrums

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne)

FRASIER IS KNEELING BY THE TERRACE DOORS CHANGING THE DOOR HANDLES AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Frasier?

FRASIER

Yes Dad.

MARTIN

You're using tools.

FRASIER

You're wearing pants. And the reason we're talking like this is?

MARTIN

Well stop it. You're freaking me out.

FRASIER

I'm not going to ask you to stop wearing pants. You'd freak me out if you weren't wearing pants. Why can't I use tools?

MARTIN

That's a question I've been asking myself for years. You're working with your hands. Shouldn't you be off having a seaweed wrap or something?

FRASIER

I am not without domestic skills you know. I can handle a simple appliance such as a screwdriver.

MARTIN

Getting a screwdriver out of the draw and passing it to Daphne so that she can use it to defrost the freezer does not make you Bob Vila.

FRASIER

Who?

MARTIN

Never mind. It's a guy thing.

FRASIER

Just because I don't spend half my life lying under a car covered in grease and the other half grabbing hold of my crotch to cheer on a football team doesn't mean that my manhood should be in question. I'm as big a guy as the next man.

MARTIN

Unfortunately the next man is usually Niles. And that's nothing to be proud of. So what are you doing?

FRASIER

Replacing the handles on the terrace doors.

MARTIN

Because?

FRASIER

The glare that they were creating when the sun hit them was distracting the eye from the flow of the room.

MARTIN

Just for a minute I thought it might be for a stupid reason. That's just the trouble we had in Korea. We couldn't fight because we were too distracted by the glare on this one guy's dog tags. It kept ruining the flow of the unit.

FRASIER

Yes, that's very amusing. Look, you see. That's much better.

FRASIER STANDS AND TURNS THE HANDLE TO OPEN THE DOOR. IT'S STUCK AND DOESN'T MOVE AN INCH

MARTIN

It kind of defeats the object, when they don't open.

FRASIER

It's just because it's new. It just needs time.

MARTIN

Enough time to get someone over here to repair it.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A GLASS

DAPHNE

Here you go. One ice tea as requested.

FRASIER

Thankyou so much Daphne. This is thirsty work.

DAPHNE

Oh course it is. Look at the sweet you've worked up, it looks as if you just stepped out of the shower.

FRASIER

Well it is hard work.

DAPHNE

Of course it is, tightening tiny screws. They've started using that as a weight loss exercise at fat camps.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'HE WON'T ADMIT, SHOWERING THAT OFTEN COULD BE CONSIDERED OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz)

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN SIT AT THE TABLE FACING THE WINDOW. NILES AND DAPHNE FACE THE WINDOW AND ARE BEING VERY AFFECTIONATE AS MARTIN LOOKS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE

DAPHNE

So where are you taking me tonight?

NILES

To heaven and back.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

DAPHNE

But you do that on an hourly basis.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

NILES

Everything we say it's 'Oh jeez', I'm beginning to think that's all you can say. What is your problem?

MARTIN

It's not just my problem, it's everyone else here. That guy's having trouble keeping his biscotti down. I knew I shouldn't have come down here.

DAPHNE

Don't start complaining now.

NILES

If my memory serves me correct, I'd never seen you move so quickly as you back peddled out of Frasier's room at the wedding to give us some privacy.

MARTIN

I did not.

DAPHNE

Are you kidding? You nearly tripped over your cane. The only way we'd ever get you to move that fast again is if we dangled a can of beer on a piece of string off a stick in front of your head, just out of reach. You know like a donkey and a carrot.

MARTIN

I've had enough of this abuse. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.

NILES

You sit, I'll get it.

NILES WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER

MARTIN

Hey Daph, while I think about it.

DAPHNE

Yes?

MARTIN

I was going to get someone, while Frasier's at work to fix those handles on the terrace doors. I want to get in someone I can trust. So I was wondering how you'd feel about me calling Joe.

DAPHNE

Fine go ahead.

MARTIN

Are you sure? It wouldn't bother you?

DAPHNE

Not at all. It's not like I'm single and desperate.

MARTIN

Yeah sorry, for a moment there I thought you were Frasier. So really, it will be OK? You don't mind?

DAPHNE

Absolutely. It will also give me the chance to show off how much better I am without him.

MARTIN

Going to rub his nose in it?

DAPHNE

Every chance I get. I would prefer it though if someone didn't find out about this. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.

MARTIN

I was going to say the same thing.

ENTER FRASIER FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS NEXT TO MARTIN AS NILES RETURNS FROM THE COUNTER AND SITS BACK DOWN

FRASIER

The same thing about what?

MARTIN

Nothing. What have you been doing in that bathroom? You've been gone ten minutes.

NILES

Make sure we really want to know the answer to that question before you speak.

FRASIER

I couldn't do up my zipper.

NILES

Has it gone rusty from lack of use?

MARTIN

Have you done it now? Do you want me go in there with you and give you a hand?

FRASIER

I've done it now thankyou Dad. At any rate do you have any idea what people would think if they saw you in the bathroom vigorously shaking my fly?

DAPHNE

That times are tough and you need to earn a little extra cash.

NILES

You'd earn more if you went down to the docks.

MARTIN

How would you know that?

NILES

I'm a therapist. You have no idea some of the things people tell me on that couch. I constantly want to take a shower after each session.

ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Oh my God. Quick get out of my way. Let me at the window.

SHE LEANS ACROSS FRASIER TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW

NILES

What are you doing?

ROZ

That guy there waiting for a cab, just asked me out.

FRASIER

Roz?

ROZ

Yes.

FRASIER

It's not my birthday.

ROZ

I know.

FRASIER

Then would you mind getting your cleavage out of my face?

SHE GETS OFF HIS LAP BUT STILL STARES OUT THE WINDOW

ROZ

Sorry. Isn't he just absolutely gorgeous?

DAPHNE

I can't see his face but he looks pretty fit. From this angle I wouldn't kick him out of my cave.

NILES

Hay! I'm sitting right here.

DAPHNE

Oh button your lip. While you still have a wife, I'm allowed to eye up Roz's dates. When you're divorced we'll discuss the matter again.

NILES

He's only after one thing if he asked Roz out which is…

ROZ

You're only after one thing if you finish that sentence. An ambulance.

DAPHNE

Look he's turning round.

FRASIER

Roz.

ROZ

Yes.

FRASIER

That's a woman.

ROZ

It is not.

MARTIN

No, he's right. That's a woman.

ROZ

Jules is not a woman.

FRASIER

Jules?

MARTIN

Well he sure looks like one.

ROZ

But he's wearing a suit.

NILES

Then it's a woman wearing a suit. No man's tailor would leave the nap like that.

DAPHNE

They're right Roz.

ROZ

It's a man!

DAPHNE

Then it's the most feminine man I've ever seen.

ROZ

Even more feminine than Niles?

NILES

At least I didn't hit on a woman.

ROZ

Oh I wasn't aware that you'd switched sides Niles.

NILES

I meant at least I didn't hit on a man.

MARTIN

I thought the jury was still out on what sex Maris is.

NILES

Enough about me, Roz is dating a woman.

ROZ

How many more times? Jules is not a woman.

FRASIER

How can you not see it? Do you not have your contact lenses in?

ROZ

Only my left one. My right one fell out and went down my shirt. I had my hand down there trying to fish it out when I met Jules.

FRASIER

He didn't offer his assistance did he?

ROZ

No! He just wanted to see if I was OK.

NILES

Oh I don't know Roz. Standing on the street corner with your hand down your shirt. He probably thinks you're a prostitute.

ROZ

Don't make me hurt you little man.

AS THEY CONTINUE STARING OUT THE WINDOW WE:

FADE OUT:

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Joe)

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM DRESSED EXQUISITELY AS IF GOING TO DINNER

DAPHNE

Is he here yet?

MARTIN

Any time now.

DAPHNE

How do I look?

MARTIN

You look great Daph. Are you sure you should be going to all this trouble though? Isn't it going to give him the wrong idea?

DAPHNE

It's not going to give him any ideas. I simply want to look stunning and rub it in his face that instead of handymen I'm now in love with a doctor. Is there any harm in that?

MARTIN

Only if Niles catches you. You know how jealous he can get. He looks as if he's eaten bad shrimp if Donny's name is even mentioned.

DAPHNE

He won't find out. Anyway Joe will only be here an hour at most. How hard can it be to put on some door handles?

MARTIN

That's just what I thought. Although Frasier stands more chance of giving birth to a duck than being successful at DIY.

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN (CONT'D)

I'll get it. Remember to call me Martin, no wait Dad that's much better.

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND JOE ENTERS

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Hay Joe, come on in.

JOE

Mr. Crane.

MARTIN

Now I don't want to rush you, but I'd really appreciate it if you could get this done before Frasier comes home.

JOE

It'll take an hour tops.

MARTIN

Great.

ENTER DAPHNE WHO FROM THIS MOMENT PUTS ON AN ACT THAT IS LIKE ELIZA DOOLITTLE AT THE BALL IN MY FAIR LADY

DAPHNE

Who was at the door Dad? Oh hello Joe.

JOE

Hi Daphne. Wow you look great.

DAPHNE

I know.

MARTIN

So the handles.

JOE

I'll get right on it.

THE NEXT PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN REHEARSED

MARTIN

So Daphne where are you going tonight?

DAPHNE

Just off out with Niles again. Probably to some extremely expensive restaurant. He does spoil me so.

NILES

Niles, my son, Niles?

DAPHNE

That's right. I've lost count of how many dates we've been on. We're like a pair of smitten kittens.

JOE

Daphne, you're dating Dr. Crane?

DAPHNE

That's right.

MARTIN

So have you ever been happier in a relationship in your life?

DAPHNE

No, I've never been this much in love. I'm head over heels in love with him.

JOE

I don't know if you heard but my wife and I have split up.

DAPHNE

Oh have you? It's funny isn't it how you can see someone everyday and then realise that you're completely in love with them.

SFX: JOE'S MOBILE PHONE

JOE

Excuse me. Hello?

DAPHNE

Come on old man, stick to the programme.

MARTIN

What do you want me to say?

DAPHNE

You haven't mentioned my yacht or my beach house on Maui.

MARTIN

You don't have a yacht or a beach house.

DAPHNE

I know, but I don't want him to know that. I'm not a part time model either but it doesn't harm him to think it.

MARTIN

Have you still got a Ph.D.?

DAPHNE

Of course. Now get on with it, if he's not so upset he's nearly sick when he leaves you're not getting that six pack of Ballentine.

JOE

OK I'll be right over. I'm sorry Mr. Crane, I've got to run, there's an emergency. One of my guys has plastered one of the school children in the wall in the museum. I've got to go help get him out.

MARTIN

That's fine. I'll give you a call tomorrow.

DAPHNE

Here let me show you out.

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

Hello Daphne.

DAPHNE

Oh my God Niles!

NILES

What's the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost.

JOE

Oh hi Dr. Crane.

NILES

Joe! What a surprise to see you here.

JOE

I'd love to chat but I've got to run. Bye.

EXIT JOE

NILES

I bet you do. Run before I beat you into a pulp.

MARTIN

Now Niles.

NILES

Don't now Niles me. Why do you think I take kick boxing every week? I've got to use it sometime. I may be small but I'm deadly. What was he doing here?

DAPHNE

He was going to fix the balcony door handles that your brother tried to put on yesterday.

NILES

And out of all the contractors in the city you called your ex-boyfriend?

MARTIN

Daphne didn't call him, I did.

NILES

You did?

DAPHNE

I don't know what you're getting so worked up for.

NILES

I'm getting worked up because the woman I love has got dressed up to the nines to see her ex-boyfriend.

MARTIN

He came here to work, not hit on Daphne. I didn't even tell Daphne he was coming.

DAPHNE

You didn't?

MARTIN

I didn't.

DAPHNE

Oh that's right he didn't.

NILES

Oh please! All I'm asking is for you to be honest with me.

DAPHNE

Niles calm down. It was a quick in and out job, that's all.

NILES

That's just what I was afraid of.

MARTIN

Come on Niles, it was perfectly innocent.

NILES

You know Maris and Schenkman said exactly the same thing.

DAPHNE

This is totally different.

NILES

I know it's totally different. With Maris all I had to cope with was the pain of the deceit and the betrayal. Because I never loved Maris the way I love you.

DAPHNE

Nothing happened honey. I promise. I love you.

NILES

Save it for someone who cares.

EXIT NILES SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

DAPHNE

Oh my God Mr. Crane.

MARTIN

Daphne come here.

MARTIN GETS UP TO HUG DAPHNE AS SHE BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS

DAPHNE

What have I done?

MARTIN

You haven't done anything. Pretty soon Niles will calm down, realise that and head back over here.

DAPHNE

What if he doesn't?

MARTIN

You don't have to worry about that.

AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO COMFORT DAPHNE WE:

FADE OUT:

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'GETTING A HANDLE ON THINGS'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne)

MARTIN SITS DRINKING A BEER, WHILE DAPHNE IS STANDING OUT ON THE TERRACE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Hi Dad. Oh you got you terrace door open.

MARTIN

One of them. The other ones still stuck fast.

FRASIER

I'll just have to get my handy tool kit out again then. I was thinking I might tackle trying to fix the vibrating part to your chair later.

MARTIN

I have no desire to be blown up thankyou very much. And there will be no more tools. I've hidden them.

FRASIER

You've what?

MARTIN

From now on you're not to work with your hands. It'll be better for all of us. And safer. I've been having nightmares that you decide to tackle something electrical. You burnt an imprint of yourself on the wall.

FRASIER

What's Daphne doing out there?

MARTIN

Yeah, I need to talk to you about that. Have you seen Niles this afternoon?

FRASIER

No. He told me he was going to surprise Daphne and take her out this afternoon.

MARTIN

You could have told me.

FRASIER

Why what business is it of yours?

MARTIN

I'm going to level with you here. Joe was here this afternoon.

FRASIER

Joe? As in Daphne and Joe?

MARTIN

Yes.

FRASIER

What was he doing here?

MARTIN

I phoned him to come and fix the handles.

FRASIER

You did what?

MARTIN

Oh Frasier this is not about you.

FRASIER

I am hurt at the deceit and the betrayal.

MARTIN

That's funny, that's just what Niles said before he stormed out after seeing Joe here.

FRASIER

He didn't?

MARTIN

He went off the handle, yelling at Daphne. Said he didn't care about her and stormed out.

FRASIER

Oh dear God.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE TERRACE FOLLOWED BY MARTIN

RESET TO:

INT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS STANDING LOOKING OUT OVER THE CITY AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HUGS DAPHNE

FRASIER(CONT'D)

Oh Daphne.

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane. Have you seen him?

FRASIER

No Daphne I haven't. But don't worry, he'll realise he's made a mistake and come back here to apologise.

MARTIN

That's just what I've been telling her.

MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

DAPHNE

I just can't believe he blew up like that.

FRASIER

Well you've got to understand this from Niles' standpoint. Maris shattered his sense of trust. I know this is a completely different situation but that experience has knocked him for six. Would it make you feel any better if I went to look for him?

DAPHNE

Would you?

FRASIER

Of course.

MARTIN

And let's get you in out of the cold. I'll make you a nice warm drink.

DAPHNE

Thankyou Mr. Crane.

MARTIN GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT WON'T MOVE

MARTIN

Uh-oh.

FRASIER

Uh-oh what?

MARTIN

This doors stuck again.

DAPHNE

What about the other one?

MARTIN

I couldn't get that one to move at all earlier.

FRASIER

Here let me try.

MARTIN

Oh yes I'd forgotten you'd turned into the world's strongest man from a powder puff. You strain your back chopping carrots.

FRASIER

That's very amusing. Now let me have a look. I think I've got it…

FRASIER PULLS WITH ALL HIS STRENGTH BUT THE DOOR STILL DOES NOT MOVE. SUDDENLY FRASIER GOES SPINNING BACKWARDS AND ONLY JUST STOPS HIMSELF FROM FALLING OVER THE RAIL WITH THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz)

FRASIER, MARTIN AND DAPHNE ARE IN THE SAME POSITIONS AS BEFORE WITH FRASIER STILL CLUTCHING THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND

DAPHNE

That's bloody marvellous.

MARTIN

Way to go Frasier.

FRASIER

This is not my fault.

MARTIN

You're the one who installed the handles, you're the one who's pulled the handle off.

FRASIER

Who shut the door?

MARTIN

That would be me.

DAPHNE

Wonderful! My relationship is on the verge of being over and I'm stuck out here with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

FRASIER

Who?

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

Never mind.

MARTIN TAKES THE HANDLE OFF FRASIER

MARTIN

Here let me have a look. Let's see if I can fix it.

FRASIER

Oh yes, I forgot you had that ability to fuse metal. You've really missed your calling you should be a comic book superhero.

MARTIN

Alright smart Alec, break the window.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

MARTIN

You heard me. Break the window.

FRASIER

I most certainly will not.

DAPHNE

Here let me do it. I wouldn't want you to break a nail.

MARTIN

Use my cane.

FRASIER

No one is breaking any windows.

DAPHNE

Phone for help then.

MARTIN

But the phone's inside.

FRASIER

Ooh I've got my mobile.

REACHES INTO JACKET POCKET

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ooh I haven't got my mobile.

MARTIN

Call the doorman.

FRASIER

Did you not hear? We haven't got a phone.

DAPHNE

You've got a pair of lungs haven't you? Bleedin' shout down.

FRASIER

It's nineteen floors.

MARTIN

So.

FRASIER

When you can hear me when I'm at the radio station, it's because it's coming via the radio. You understand I'm not actually shouting from there. My voice does not actually carry that far.

MARTIN

(SHOUTING) Ian! Hay Ian.

DAPHNE

I bet you'd get his attention if you spat off here.

FRASIER

No one is spitting.

DAPHNE

Can't break windows, can't spit. I'd never have taken this job if I'd realised there were so many rules of the house. You'll be telling me I can't use your Jacuzzi to bath Eddie next.

MARTIN

I really need to use the can.

FRASIER

This is just perfect.

MARTIN

Hey I'm the one who needs to pee not you.

DAPHNE

You can't go over the side. Although that will definitely get Ian's attention. On second thoughts everyone's got their umbrella's up, they won't notice.

FRASIER

He can't go anywhere.

DAPHNE

How about the plant pot?

FRASIER

You are not urinating up my ficus tree. I apply that rule to Eddie, I apply it to you as well.

MARTIN

Frasier do your fly up.

FRASIER

Oh my God! How long as it been like that?

FRASIER TRIES TO DO UP HIS ZIP BUT IN WON'T MOVE

MARTIN

It was like it when you came home.

FRASIER

Now I know why those girls where smiling at me when I came out of the radio station.

MARTIN

As long as they were laughing because it was open and not for any other reason, I shouldn't worry. I don't think it would do much for your reputation if you were arrested for flashing.

FRASIER

It's stuck again. It's the last time I buy trousers without trying them on first.

MARTIN

Here let me try.

FRASIER

There is no way you are getting anywhere near my fly.

DAPHNE

Let me have go. Do you have any objections?

FRASIER

With the current draft blowing I don't see how I could have any.

DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES IN FRONT OF FRASIER AND STARTS TO TRY TO FIX HIS ZIP. THE POSE THEY TAKE COULD EASILY BE MISUNDERSTOOD IF SOMEONE WHERE TO STUMBLE UPON THE SCENE

MARTIN

You've got to giggle it.

DAPHNE

I think I know how to do up a zip.

MARTIN

It's just a shame Frasier doesn't.

FRASIER

I just hope Niles doesn't come back now.

DAPHNE

That would truly cap the day off.

ENTER ROZ THROUGH THE DOOR MISSING ONE HALF OF IT'S HANDLE

ROZ

Wow Daphne I hope he's given you a big raise for that. In more ways than one.

DAPHNE VIOLENTLY DOES UP FRASIER ZIP IN ONE QUICK MOVEMENT

DAPHNE

There got it.

FRASIER

Ouch! Do you have to be so violent?

DAPHNE

Just be thankful I didn't castrate you.

FRASIER

You very nearly did.

ROZ

Hay guys. What are you all doing out here?

FRASIER

Oh Roz. Long story. God it's good to see you.

ROZ CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER

MARTIN

Don't close the door.

DAPHNE

Oh bloody hell.

FRASIER

What did you do that for?

ROZ

Do what?

FRASIER

Close the door?

ROZ

It was closed when I got here. You normally pitch a fit if I don't leave things as I found them around here.

FRASIER

We can't open the door from this side.

ROZ

How was I supposed to know? There wasn't a plane writing it in big letters in the sky, and my telepathic ability borders on the pathetic. We're stuck out here?

MARTIN

Yes, that door's stuck and the handle came off that one.

ROZ

You've been trying to do some home repairs again haven't you?

FRASIER

Well forgive me for trying to improve our living environment.

DAPHNE

Oh you've improved it no end. Instead of a nice warm house and a comfy bed you've upgraded us to a freezing cold balcony. I'm surprised you haven't confiscated our clothes and made us wear leaves.

FRASIER

Don't heap all of the blame on to me.

DAPHNE

I suppose this is my fault?

FRASIER

You were the first one out here.

DAPHNE

I wouldn't have been out here, if you hadn't changed the handles, then he wouldn't have called Joe, Niles wouldn't have seen him and left, I wouldn't have been out here, he wouldn't have shut the door and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

FRASIER

Fine point the finger at me.

DAPHNE

That's exactly what I'm doing. I'd have been sitting in front of a fire with Niles now if you weren't so bloody nick picky.

FRASIER

The glare was distracting the eye from the flow of the room.

MARTIN

Don't say that too loud Frasier. I know people in this city.

FRASIER

And they wouldn't have been glaring that much if you hadn't changed polish brands like I asked you not to.

DAPHNE

I've got just one word to say to you.

FRASIER

Which is?

DAPHNE

Arse!

AS FRASIER AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO ARGUE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'I'LL HAVE A LEG OF FRASIER, A PORTION OF ROZ, A MARTIN ON THE SIDE AND A GLASS OF DAPHNE'

FADE IN:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Niles, Eddie)

MARTIN IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS LEG RESTING ON THE OTHER. DAPHNE SITS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIM FACING FRASIER AND ROZ

MARTIN

You know they're right. There is not a single word that rhymes with orange.

FRASIER

Dad, you've been listing words for the last half an hour. If you say one more thing I may have to kill you. I'm not exaggerating. I will get us rescued by throwing you over the side if I have to.

MARTIN

At least I'm trying to entertain the group.

FRASIER

The only thing that could possibly entertain me at this point is someone can turn into Spiderman and climb down the side of the building.

ROZ

I've got something that might entertain the group.

FRASIER

Which is?

ROZ

You remember Jules?

DAPHNE

Yes.

ROZ

He's not a woman.

FRASIER

Are you lying?

ROZ

Yes.

MARTIN

We told you.

ROZ

I just don't know how I didn't see it.

DAPHNE

She was carrying a purse.

ROZ

With one contact in, it looked like a brief case OK.

FRASIER

It was embroidered with sequins.

DAPHNE

I take it you ended it when you saw her at dinner?

ROZ

Actually we were just about to order desert when I realised.

FRASIER

How is that possible?

ROZ

The restaurant was dark, I couldn't tell.

FRASIER

Dark? Are you sure they didn't poke your eyes out with a sharp stick before you went in there?

ROZ

Even then it was something that she said that tipped me off.

DAPHNE

Why what did she say?

MARTIN

I'm a woman, want to share my lip-gloss?

ROZ

No. She told me about going to visit the gynecologists tomorrow. It's not funny Frasier. At least I can attract a woman, that's more than I can say for you.

MARTIN

Ssshh. I think I hear upstairs coming home.

DAPHNE

Oh for God's sake you silly sod, it's a dumper truck. You've got to get your ears checked.

ROZ

What time is it? How long are these people going to stay out?

FRASIER

They can't be much longer.

ROZ

If it makes you feel better to think that, think that.

MARTIN

They're probably gone away for the weekend.

DAPHNE

By the time they get back there will just be four decaying bodies spread out here lying in a pool of excrement with the birds pecking away at our eyeballs.

FRASIER

And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.

MARTIN

It won't come to that Daph.

DAPHNE

Too right it won't. We'll have eaten you by then.

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

Think about it from a neutral point of view. You're the oldest, you've had more of a life than the rest of us. It's only fair that we eat you first. Besides you've got more meat on you than the rest of us. You'd keep us going for at least a week.

MARTIN

If anyone's got more meat on them it's Frasier.

DAPHNE

I'm not sure I'd want to eat him though.

ROZ

I'm not sure I'd want to eat anyone. Wouldn't we be able to catch a bird?

DAPHNE

Possibly but that wouldn't keep us going very long, and I don't think chickens can get up this high. No, the only answer is to eat one of us.

FRASIER

And what is the question? What is the most ridiculously, farfetched thing that we can think of before we die of boredom?

MARTIN

Get away from me. Don't look at me like that.

FRASIER

Look at you like what?

MARTIN

Like Eddie does when he hears a candy wrapper rattle.

DAPHNE

You're just being mean.

MARTIN

If we have to sleep out here just remember I'll hit you with my cane first if I feel teeth anywhere near me and ask questions later.

FRASIER

(SHOUTING) Help! Someone help me.

ROZ

We've already tried that. With the traffic no one can hear us.

FRASIER

(SHOUTING) I need an intelligent conversation quickly! Before I go insane. If I can't have that, can I at least have a gun?

DAPHNE

What's Eddie running around like that for?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE APARTMENT, GOING FROM ONE ROOM TO THE NEXT.

RESET TO:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

He probably wants to know where we are.

DAPHNE

What's that he's got in his mouth?

FRASIER

Oh my God no! It's his lead.

MARTIN

That's two of us who needs to pee.

FRASIER

What do we do?

MARTIN

There's nothing we can do. Upstairs haven't come home yet and you won't let us break the glass.

FRASIER

To start with you wouldn't be able to break this glass. It's double glazing. A procession of bloated, overweight elephants would find it hard to even crack it.

ROZ

I don't think he can hold it much longer.

FRASIER

Of course he can. Dad's got bigger kidneys than that.

ROZ

I was talking about Eddie.

DAPHNE

He's looking for somewhere to go. You can tell by the way he's sniffing.

FRASIER

Oh my God, not there. I've just had that floor polished.

MARTIN

Would you rather he did it on the carpet?

FRASIER

Carry on young Edward.

ROZ

Do you think I need a face-lift?

FRASIER

No.

ROZ

Thanks for the deep careful consideration.

DAPHNE

Well I guess we were wrong about that.

MARTIN

He didn't need to pee after all.

FRASIER

Oh yes, how delightful. Eddie hasn't left Daphne a puddle to clean up, instead it's more of a rock formation.

DAPHNE

It's days like this I remember why I took this job.

MARTIN

Has anyone ever been hang gliding?

FRASIER

No

DAPHNE

No

ROZ

No

MARTIN

Well that's exhausted that topic of conversation.

DAPHNE

I wonder where Niles is.

ROZ

Don't worry about it Daph. It's not as if he's with Mel to get revenge because he thinks you've been seeing someone else.

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY BREAKS DOWN AS MARTIN COMFORTS HER

FRASIER

Well done Roz.

ROZ

What did I say?

FRASIER

Niles went off the handle, no pun intended, because he saw Joe here.

ROZ

I'm so sorry. Don't look at me like that. No one told me.

DAPHNE

He's probably never going to speak to me again.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE BURSTS THROUGH AND HAS GREAT DIFFICULTY WALKING AS HE HANGS ON TO THE CONSOLE

NILES

Daphne

DAPHNE

Niles!

NILES

Daphne.

DAPHNE

You've come back.

NILES

Daphne where are you? I can hear you but I can't see you.

DAPHNE

Turn on the terrace light.

NILES TURNS ON THE LIGHT BUT HAS HIS BACK TO THE WINDOW SO HE STILL DOES NOT SEE WHERE SHE IS

NILES

I still can't see you.

DAPHNE

You've got to turn around and face the terrace.

NILES TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS WITH SURPRISE

NILES

Oh look there you are.

DAPHNE

Niles I'm so sorry. Honestly he didn't come here to see me, he came here to work. Admittedly I did get dressed up, but only because I wanted to let him know what he's missed out on. I did nothing to talk about how much I love you. You've got to believe me.

NILES

I do believe you Daphne.

DAPHNE

You do?

NILES

Yes.

HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT OF COURSE THE GLASS IS IN THE WAY SO HE KISSES THAT INSTEAD

NILES (CONT'D)

My God you're lips have gone hard.

DAPHNE

That's so… wait a minute. Why are you eyes all glazed over?

NILES

Are they? I can't see from here. I can only see out of them, I can't see in to them.

FRASIER

He's plastered.

MARTIN

Niles have you been to a bar?

NILES

Dad I didn't see you there. Hello. Oh look and Frasier and Roz. It's a little party. I'm going to get a drink.

DAPHNE

Niles have you had a drink?

NILES

No

DAPHNE

Now honey don't lie.

NILES

I'm not I haven't had one drink.

ROZ

How many have you had?

NILES

Seven.

FRASIER

Seven?

NILES

Teen.

DAPHNE

Seventeen?

NILES

Yes.

FRASIER

Let's talk more about this in a moment. Niles can you open the door.

NILES

You know I can you've seen me do it lots of times Frasier.

FRASIER

No, can you do it now.

NILES

Suddenly I'm not feeling too well.

NILES COLLAPSES ON THE EAMES

DAPHNE

I'll take care of you in a minute but before I do that I need you to open the door.

NILES

You know what's funny?

DAPHNE

What?

NILES

They call them Bermuda shorts and yet you never see anyone from Bermuda wearing them.

FRASIER

That's wonderful Niles. Very well spotted and we'd love to talk more about it but can you open the door first.

NILES

This is a new sculpture. Little brown rocks. You know I've always considered starting a ceramic doll collection.

MARTIN

Niles.

NILES

You're wrong Dad, dolls are not just for girls. Some of them are pretty and I can comb their hair when I'm board.

MARTIN

You're right son and you know what?

NILES

What?

MARTIN

I'll buy your first one if you come over here and open the door so that I can pee.

NILES

I think I need to sit down.

DAPHNE

You are sitting down honey.

ROZ

Niles! Get your scrawny little ass over here and open the God damn door.

NILES GOES TO GET UP BUT PASSES OUT BEFORE HE CAN AND FLOPS FORWARD WITH HIS FACE PRESSED AGAINST THE WINDOW

RESET TO:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

That's just perfect. As if to make matters worse I now have my brothers face smeared on my window.

ROZ

Daphne honestly, how do you find that attractive?

MARTIN

Uh-oh Eddie's running again. Lick his face boy, wake him up.

DAPHNE

I don't like the way he's sniffing him.

FRASIER

Well quick, wake him up.

DAPHNE

Niles honey, wake up. Niles! Niles!

ROZ

Niles wake up!

DAPHNE

Oh no.

ROZ

That's very nice.

FRASIER

I see Eddie still doesn't know the difference between lick and urinate.

AS THEY RESIGN THEMSELVES TO HAVING TO STOP OUTSIDE A BIT LONGER WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: AS MARTIN CALLS TO SOMEONE IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE, A MAN ENTERS FRASIER'S APARTMENT AND OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR. DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES, ROZ KISSES THE MAN, AS MARTIN RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM AND FRASIER BEGINS TO CRY ABOUT THE MOUND THAT EDDIE HAS LEFT ON THE FLOOR.