I don't own any of these characters.
For Elaine because she asked so nicely.
Alternative Season Eight Episode Six
Terrace Tantrums
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne)
FRASIER IS KNEELING BY THE TERRACE DOORS CHANGING THE DOOR HANDLES AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
Frasier?
FRASIER
Yes Dad.
MARTIN
You're using tools.
FRASIER
You're wearing pants. And the reason we're talking like this is?
MARTIN
Well stop it. You're freaking me out.
FRASIER
I'm not going to ask you to stop wearing pants. You'd freak me out if you weren't wearing pants. Why can't I use tools?
MARTIN
That's a question I've been asking myself for years. You're working with your hands. Shouldn't you be off having a seaweed wrap or something?
FRASIER
I am not without domestic skills you know. I can handle a simple appliance such as a screwdriver.
MARTIN
Getting a screwdriver out of the draw and passing it to Daphne so that she can use it to defrost the freezer does not make you Bob Vila.
FRASIER
Who?
MARTIN
Never mind. It's a guy thing.
FRASIER
Just because I don't spend half my life lying under a car covered in grease and the other half grabbing hold of my crotch to cheer on a football team doesn't mean that my manhood should be in question. I'm as big a guy as the next man.
MARTIN
Unfortunately the next man is usually Niles. And that's nothing to be proud of. So what are you doing?
FRASIER
Replacing the handles on the terrace doors.
MARTIN
Because?
FRASIER
The glare that they were creating when the sun hit them was distracting the eye from the flow of the room.
MARTIN
Just for a minute I thought it might be for a stupid reason. That's just the trouble we had in Korea. We couldn't fight because we were too distracted by the glare on this one guy's dog tags. It kept ruining the flow of the unit.
FRASIER
Yes, that's very amusing. Look, you see. That's much better.
FRASIER STANDS AND TURNS THE HANDLE TO OPEN THE DOOR. IT'S STUCK AND DOESN'T MOVE AN INCH
MARTIN
It kind of defeats the object, when they don't open.
FRASIER
It's just because it's new. It just needs time.
MARTIN
Enough time to get someone over here to repair it.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A GLASS
DAPHNE
Here you go. One ice tea as requested.
FRASIER
Thankyou so much Daphne. This is thirsty work.
DAPHNE
Oh course it is. Look at the sweet you've worked up, it looks as if you just stepped out of the shower.
FRASIER
Well it is hard work.
DAPHNE
Of course it is, tightening tiny screws. They've started using that as a weight loss exercise at fat camps.
AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'HE WON'T ADMIT, SHOWERING THAT OFTEN COULD BE CONSIDERED OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz)
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN SIT AT THE TABLE FACING THE WINDOW. NILES AND DAPHNE FACE THE WINDOW AND ARE BEING VERY AFFECTIONATE AS MARTIN LOOKS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE
DAPHNE
So where are you taking me tonight?
NILES
To heaven and back.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
DAPHNE
But you do that on an hourly basis.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
NILES
Everything we say it's 'Oh jeez', I'm beginning to think that's all you can say. What is your problem?
MARTIN
It's not just my problem, it's everyone else here. That guy's having trouble keeping his biscotti down. I knew I shouldn't have come down here.
DAPHNE
Don't start complaining now.
NILES
If my memory serves me correct, I'd never seen you move so quickly as you back peddled out of Frasier's room at the wedding to give us some privacy.
MARTIN
I did not.
DAPHNE
Are you kidding? You nearly tripped over your cane. The only way we'd ever get you to move that fast again is if we dangled a can of beer on a piece of string off a stick in front of your head, just out of reach. You know like a donkey and a carrot.
MARTIN
I've had enough of this abuse. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.
NILES
You sit, I'll get it.
NILES WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER
MARTIN
Hey Daph, while I think about it.
DAPHNE
Yes?
MARTIN
I was going to get someone, while Frasier's at work to fix those handles on the terrace doors. I want to get in someone I can trust. So I was wondering how you'd feel about me calling Joe.
DAPHNE
Fine go ahead.
MARTIN
Are you sure? It wouldn't bother you?
DAPHNE
Not at all. It's not like I'm single and desperate.
MARTIN
Yeah sorry, for a moment there I thought you were Frasier. So really, it will be OK? You don't mind?
DAPHNE
Absolutely. It will also give me the chance to show off how much better I am without him.
MARTIN
Going to rub his nose in it?
DAPHNE
Every chance I get. I would prefer it though if someone didn't find out about this. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.
MARTIN
I was going to say the same thing.
ENTER FRASIER FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS NEXT TO MARTIN AS NILES RETURNS FROM THE COUNTER AND SITS BACK DOWN
FRASIER
The same thing about what?
MARTIN
Nothing. What have you been doing in that bathroom? You've been gone ten minutes.
NILES
Make sure we really want to know the answer to that question before you speak.
FRASIER
I couldn't do up my zipper.
NILES
Has it gone rusty from lack of use?
MARTIN
Have you done it now? Do you want me go in there with you and give you a hand?
FRASIER
I've done it now thankyou Dad. At any rate do you have any idea what people would think if they saw you in the bathroom vigorously shaking my fly?
DAPHNE
That times are tough and you need to earn a little extra cash.
NILES
You'd earn more if you went down to the docks.
MARTIN
How would you know that?
NILES
I'm a therapist. You have no idea some of the things people tell me on that couch. I constantly want to take a shower after each session.
ENTER ROZ
ROZ
Oh my God. Quick get out of my way. Let me at the window.
SHE LEANS ACROSS FRASIER TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW
NILES
What are you doing?
ROZ
That guy there waiting for a cab, just asked me out.
FRASIER
Roz?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
It's not my birthday.
ROZ
I know.
FRASIER
Then would you mind getting your cleavage out of my face?
SHE GETS OFF HIS LAP BUT STILL STARES OUT THE WINDOW
ROZ
Sorry. Isn't he just absolutely gorgeous?
DAPHNE
I can't see his face but he looks pretty fit. From this angle I wouldn't kick him out of my cave.
NILES
Hay! I'm sitting right here.
DAPHNE
Oh button your lip. While you still have a wife, I'm allowed to eye up Roz's dates. When you're divorced we'll discuss the matter again.
NILES
He's only after one thing if he asked Roz out which is…
ROZ
You're only after one thing if you finish that sentence. An ambulance.
DAPHNE
Look he's turning round.
FRASIER
Roz.
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
That's a woman.
ROZ
It is not.
MARTIN
No, he's right. That's a woman.
ROZ
Jules is not a woman.
FRASIER
Jules?
MARTIN
Well he sure looks like one.
ROZ
But he's wearing a suit.
NILES
Then it's a woman wearing a suit. No man's tailor would leave the nap like that.
DAPHNE
They're right Roz.
ROZ
It's a man!
DAPHNE
Then it's the most feminine man I've ever seen.
ROZ
Even more feminine than Niles?
NILES
At least I didn't hit on a woman.
ROZ
Oh I wasn't aware that you'd switched sides Niles.
NILES
I meant at least I didn't hit on a man.
MARTIN
I thought the jury was still out on what sex Maris is.
NILES
Enough about me, Roz is dating a woman.
ROZ
How many more times? Jules is not a woman.
FRASIER
How can you not see it? Do you not have your contact lenses in?
ROZ
Only my left one. My right one fell out and went down my shirt. I had my hand down there trying to fish it out when I met Jules.
FRASIER
He didn't offer his assistance did he?
ROZ
No! He just wanted to see if I was OK.
NILES
Oh I don't know Roz. Standing on the street corner with your hand down your shirt. He probably thinks you're a prostitute.
ROZ
Don't make me hurt you little man.
AS THEY CONTINUE STARING OUT THE WINDOW WE:
FADE OUT:
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Joe)
MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM DRESSED EXQUISITELY AS IF GOING TO DINNER
DAPHNE
Is he here yet?
MARTIN
Any time now.
DAPHNE
How do I look?
MARTIN
You look great Daph. Are you sure you should be going to all this trouble though? Isn't it going to give him the wrong idea?
DAPHNE
It's not going to give him any ideas. I simply want to look stunning and rub it in his face that instead of handymen I'm now in love with a doctor. Is there any harm in that?
MARTIN
Only if Niles catches you. You know how jealous he can get. He looks as if he's eaten bad shrimp if Donny's name is even mentioned.
DAPHNE
He won't find out. Anyway Joe will only be here an hour at most. How hard can it be to put on some door handles?
MARTIN
That's just what I thought. Although Frasier stands more chance of giving birth to a duck than being successful at DIY.
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN (CONT'D)
I'll get it. Remember to call me Martin, no wait Dad that's much better.
MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND JOE ENTERS
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Hay Joe, come on in.
JOE
Mr. Crane.
MARTIN
Now I don't want to rush you, but I'd really appreciate it if you could get this done before Frasier comes home.
JOE
It'll take an hour tops.
MARTIN
Great.
ENTER DAPHNE WHO FROM THIS MOMENT PUTS ON AN ACT THAT IS LIKE ELIZA DOOLITTLE AT THE BALL IN MY FAIR LADY
DAPHNE
Who was at the door Dad? Oh hello Joe.
JOE
Hi Daphne. Wow you look great.
DAPHNE
I know.
MARTIN
So the handles.
JOE
I'll get right on it.
THE NEXT PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN REHEARSED
MARTIN
So Daphne where are you going tonight?
DAPHNE
Just off out with Niles again. Probably to some extremely expensive restaurant. He does spoil me so.
NILES
Niles, my son, Niles?
DAPHNE
That's right. I've lost count of how many dates we've been on. We're like a pair of smitten kittens.
JOE
Daphne, you're dating Dr. Crane?
DAPHNE
That's right.
MARTIN
So have you ever been happier in a relationship in your life?
DAPHNE
No, I've never been this much in love. I'm head over heels in love with him.
JOE
I don't know if you heard but my wife and I have split up.
DAPHNE
Oh have you? It's funny isn't it how you can see someone everyday and then realise that you're completely in love with them.
SFX: JOE'S MOBILE PHONE
JOE
Excuse me. Hello?
DAPHNE
Come on old man, stick to the programme.
MARTIN
What do you want me to say?
DAPHNE
You haven't mentioned my yacht or my beach house on Maui.
MARTIN
You don't have a yacht or a beach house.
DAPHNE
I know, but I don't want him to know that. I'm not a part time model either but it doesn't harm him to think it.
MARTIN
Have you still got a Ph.D.?
DAPHNE
Of course. Now get on with it, if he's not so upset he's nearly sick when he leaves you're not getting that six pack of Ballentine.
JOE
OK I'll be right over. I'm sorry Mr. Crane, I've got to run, there's an emergency. One of my guys has plastered one of the school children in the wall in the museum. I've got to go help get him out.
MARTIN
That's fine. I'll give you a call tomorrow.
DAPHNE
Here let me show you out.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS
NILES
Hello Daphne.
DAPHNE
Oh my God Niles!
NILES
What's the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost.
JOE
Oh hi Dr. Crane.
NILES
Joe! What a surprise to see you here.
JOE
I'd love to chat but I've got to run. Bye.
EXIT JOE
NILES
I bet you do. Run before I beat you into a pulp.
MARTIN
Now Niles.
NILES
Don't now Niles me. Why do you think I take kick boxing every week? I've got to use it sometime. I may be small but I'm deadly. What was he doing here?
DAPHNE
He was going to fix the balcony door handles that your brother tried to put on yesterday.
NILES
And out of all the contractors in the city you called your ex-boyfriend?
MARTIN
Daphne didn't call him, I did.
NILES
You did?
DAPHNE
I don't know what you're getting so worked up for.
NILES
I'm getting worked up because the woman I love has got dressed up to the nines to see her ex-boyfriend.
MARTIN
He came here to work, not hit on Daphne. I didn't even tell Daphne he was coming.
DAPHNE
You didn't?
MARTIN
I didn't.
DAPHNE
Oh that's right he didn't.
NILES
Oh please! All I'm asking is for you to be honest with me.
DAPHNE
Niles calm down. It was a quick in and out job, that's all.
NILES
That's just what I was afraid of.
MARTIN
Come on Niles, it was perfectly innocent.
NILES
You know Maris and Schenkman said exactly the same thing.
DAPHNE
This is totally different.
NILES
I know it's totally different. With Maris all I had to cope with was the pain of the deceit and the betrayal. Because I never loved Maris the way I love you.
DAPHNE
Nothing happened honey. I promise. I love you.
NILES
Save it for someone who cares.
EXIT NILES SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
DAPHNE
Oh my God Mr. Crane.
MARTIN
Daphne come here.
MARTIN GETS UP TO HUG DAPHNE AS SHE BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS
DAPHNE
What have I done?
MARTIN
You haven't done anything. Pretty soon Niles will calm down, realise that and head back over here.
DAPHNE
What if he doesn't?
MARTIN
You don't have to worry about that.
AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO COMFORT DAPHNE WE:
FADE OUT:
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'GETTING A HANDLE ON THINGS'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne)
MARTIN SITS DRINKING A BEER, WHILE DAPHNE IS STANDING OUT ON THE TERRACE AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Hi Dad. Oh you got you terrace door open.
MARTIN
One of them. The other ones still stuck fast.
FRASIER
I'll just have to get my handy tool kit out again then. I was thinking I might tackle trying to fix the vibrating part to your chair later.
MARTIN
I have no desire to be blown up thankyou very much. And there will be no more tools. I've hidden them.
FRASIER
You've what?
MARTIN
From now on you're not to work with your hands. It'll be better for all of us. And safer. I've been having nightmares that you decide to tackle something electrical. You burnt an imprint of yourself on the wall.
FRASIER
What's Daphne doing out there?
MARTIN
Yeah, I need to talk to you about that. Have you seen Niles this afternoon?
FRASIER
No. He told me he was going to surprise Daphne and take her out this afternoon.
MARTIN
You could have told me.
FRASIER
Why what business is it of yours?
MARTIN
I'm going to level with you here. Joe was here this afternoon.
FRASIER
Joe? As in Daphne and Joe?
MARTIN
Yes.
FRASIER
What was he doing here?
MARTIN
I phoned him to come and fix the handles.
FRASIER
You did what?
MARTIN
Oh Frasier this is not about you.
FRASIER
I am hurt at the deceit and the betrayal.
MARTIN
That's funny, that's just what Niles said before he stormed out after seeing Joe here.
FRASIER
He didn't?
MARTIN
He went off the handle, yelling at Daphne. Said he didn't care about her and stormed out.
FRASIER
Oh dear God.
FRASIER EXITS TO THE TERRACE FOLLOWED BY MARTIN
RESET TO:
INT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE IS STANDING LOOKING OUT OVER THE CITY AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HUGS DAPHNE
FRASIER(CONT'D)
Oh Daphne.
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane. Have you seen him?
FRASIER
No Daphne I haven't. But don't worry, he'll realise he's made a mistake and come back here to apologise.
MARTIN
That's just what I've been telling her.
MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
DAPHNE
I just can't believe he blew up like that.
FRASIER
Well you've got to understand this from Niles' standpoint. Maris shattered his sense of trust. I know this is a completely different situation but that experience has knocked him for six. Would it make you feel any better if I went to look for him?
DAPHNE
Would you?
FRASIER
Of course.
MARTIN
And let's get you in out of the cold. I'll make you a nice warm drink.
DAPHNE
Thankyou Mr. Crane.
MARTIN GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT WON'T MOVE
MARTIN
Uh-oh.
FRASIER
Uh-oh what?
MARTIN
This doors stuck again.
DAPHNE
What about the other one?
MARTIN
I couldn't get that one to move at all earlier.
FRASIER
Here let me try.
MARTIN
Oh yes I'd forgotten you'd turned into the world's strongest man from a powder puff. You strain your back chopping carrots.
FRASIER
That's very amusing. Now let me have a look. I think I've got it…
FRASIER PULLS WITH ALL HIS STRENGTH BUT THE DOOR STILL DOES NOT MOVE. SUDDENLY FRASIER GOES SPINNING BACKWARDS AND ONLY JUST STOPS HIMSELF FROM FALLING OVER THE RAIL WITH THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz)
FRASIER, MARTIN AND DAPHNE ARE IN THE SAME POSITIONS AS BEFORE WITH FRASIER STILL CLUTCHING THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND
DAPHNE
That's bloody marvellous.
MARTIN
Way to go Frasier.
FRASIER
This is not my fault.
MARTIN
You're the one who installed the handles, you're the one who's pulled the handle off.
FRASIER
Who shut the door?
MARTIN
That would be me.
DAPHNE
Wonderful! My relationship is on the verge of being over and I'm stuck out here with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.
FRASIER
Who?
MARTIN
What?
DAPHNE
Never mind.
MARTIN TAKES THE HANDLE OFF FRASIER
MARTIN
Here let me have a look. Let's see if I can fix it.
FRASIER
Oh yes, I forgot you had that ability to fuse metal. You've really missed your calling you should be a comic book superhero.
MARTIN
Alright smart Alec, break the window.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
MARTIN
You heard me. Break the window.
FRASIER
I most certainly will not.
DAPHNE
Here let me do it. I wouldn't want you to break a nail.
MARTIN
Use my cane.
FRASIER
No one is breaking any windows.
DAPHNE
Phone for help then.
MARTIN
But the phone's inside.
FRASIER
Ooh I've got my mobile.
REACHES INTO JACKET POCKET
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ooh I haven't got my mobile.
MARTIN
Call the doorman.
FRASIER
Did you not hear? We haven't got a phone.
DAPHNE
You've got a pair of lungs haven't you? Bleedin' shout down.
FRASIER
It's nineteen floors.
MARTIN
So.
FRASIER
When you can hear me when I'm at the radio station, it's because it's coming via the radio. You understand I'm not actually shouting from there. My voice does not actually carry that far.
MARTIN
(SHOUTING) Ian! Hay Ian.
DAPHNE
I bet you'd get his attention if you spat off here.
FRASIER
No one is spitting.
DAPHNE
Can't break windows, can't spit. I'd never have taken this job if I'd realised there were so many rules of the house. You'll be telling me I can't use your Jacuzzi to bath Eddie next.
MARTIN
I really need to use the can.
FRASIER
This is just perfect.
MARTIN
Hey I'm the one who needs to pee not you.
DAPHNE
You can't go over the side. Although that will definitely get Ian's attention. On second thoughts everyone's got their umbrella's up, they won't notice.
FRASIER
He can't go anywhere.
DAPHNE
How about the plant pot?
FRASIER
You are not urinating up my ficus tree. I apply that rule to Eddie, I apply it to you as well.
MARTIN
Frasier do your fly up.
FRASIER
Oh my God! How long as it been like that?
FRASIER TRIES TO DO UP HIS ZIP BUT IN WON'T MOVE
MARTIN
It was like it when you came home.
FRASIER
Now I know why those girls where smiling at me when I came out of the radio station.
MARTIN
As long as they were laughing because it was open and not for any other reason, I shouldn't worry. I don't think it would do much for your reputation if you were arrested for flashing.
FRASIER
It's stuck again. It's the last time I buy trousers without trying them on first.
MARTIN
Here let me try.
FRASIER
There is no way you are getting anywhere near my fly.
DAPHNE
Let me have go. Do you have any objections?
FRASIER
With the current draft blowing I don't see how I could have any.
DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES IN FRONT OF FRASIER AND STARTS TO TRY TO FIX HIS ZIP. THE POSE THEY TAKE COULD EASILY BE MISUNDERSTOOD IF SOMEONE WHERE TO STUMBLE UPON THE SCENE
MARTIN
You've got to giggle it.
DAPHNE
I think I know how to do up a zip.
MARTIN
It's just a shame Frasier doesn't.
FRASIER
I just hope Niles doesn't come back now.
DAPHNE
That would truly cap the day off.
ENTER ROZ THROUGH THE DOOR MISSING ONE HALF OF IT'S HANDLE
ROZ
Wow Daphne I hope he's given you a big raise for that. In more ways than one.
DAPHNE VIOLENTLY DOES UP FRASIER ZIP IN ONE QUICK MOVEMENT
DAPHNE
There got it.
FRASIER
Ouch! Do you have to be so violent?
DAPHNE
Just be thankful I didn't castrate you.
FRASIER
You very nearly did.
ROZ
Hay guys. What are you all doing out here?
FRASIER
Oh Roz. Long story. God it's good to see you.
ROZ CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER
MARTIN
Don't close the door.
DAPHNE
Oh bloody hell.
FRASIER
What did you do that for?
ROZ
Do what?
FRASIER
Close the door?
ROZ
It was closed when I got here. You normally pitch a fit if I don't leave things as I found them around here.
FRASIER
We can't open the door from this side.
ROZ
How was I supposed to know? There wasn't a plane writing it in big letters in the sky, and my telepathic ability borders on the pathetic. We're stuck out here?
MARTIN
Yes, that door's stuck and the handle came off that one.
ROZ
You've been trying to do some home repairs again haven't you?
FRASIER
Well forgive me for trying to improve our living environment.
DAPHNE
Oh you've improved it no end. Instead of a nice warm house and a comfy bed you've upgraded us to a freezing cold balcony. I'm surprised you haven't confiscated our clothes and made us wear leaves.
FRASIER
Don't heap all of the blame on to me.
DAPHNE
I suppose this is my fault?
FRASIER
You were the first one out here.
DAPHNE
I wouldn't have been out here, if you hadn't changed the handles, then he wouldn't have called Joe, Niles wouldn't have seen him and left, I wouldn't have been out here, he wouldn't have shut the door and we wouldn't be having this conversation.
FRASIER
Fine point the finger at me.
DAPHNE
That's exactly what I'm doing. I'd have been sitting in front of a fire with Niles now if you weren't so bloody nick picky.
FRASIER
The glare was distracting the eye from the flow of the room.
MARTIN
Don't say that too loud Frasier. I know people in this city.
FRASIER
And they wouldn't have been glaring that much if you hadn't changed polish brands like I asked you not to.
DAPHNE
I've got just one word to say to you.
FRASIER
Which is?
DAPHNE
Arse!
AS FRASIER AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO ARGUE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'I'LL HAVE A LEG OF FRASIER, A PORTION OF ROZ, A MARTIN ON THE SIDE AND A GLASS OF DAPHNE'
FADE IN:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Niles, Eddie)
MARTIN IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS LEG RESTING ON THE OTHER. DAPHNE SITS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIM FACING FRASIER AND ROZ
MARTIN
You know they're right. There is not a single word that rhymes with orange.
FRASIER
Dad, you've been listing words for the last half an hour. If you say one more thing I may have to kill you. I'm not exaggerating. I will get us rescued by throwing you over the side if I have to.
MARTIN
At least I'm trying to entertain the group.
FRASIER
The only thing that could possibly entertain me at this point is someone can turn into Spiderman and climb down the side of the building.
ROZ
I've got something that might entertain the group.
FRASIER
Which is?
ROZ
You remember Jules?
DAPHNE
Yes.
ROZ
He's not a woman.
FRASIER
Are you lying?
ROZ
Yes.
MARTIN
We told you.
ROZ
I just don't know how I didn't see it.
DAPHNE
She was carrying a purse.
ROZ
With one contact in, it looked like a brief case OK.
FRASIER
It was embroidered with sequins.
DAPHNE
I take it you ended it when you saw her at dinner?
ROZ
Actually we were just about to order desert when I realised.
FRASIER
How is that possible?
ROZ
The restaurant was dark, I couldn't tell.
FRASIER
Dark? Are you sure they didn't poke your eyes out with a sharp stick before you went in there?
ROZ
Even then it was something that she said that tipped me off.
DAPHNE
Why what did she say?
MARTIN
I'm a woman, want to share my lip-gloss?
ROZ
No. She told me about going to visit the gynecologists tomorrow. It's not funny Frasier. At least I can attract a woman, that's more than I can say for you.
MARTIN
Ssshh. I think I hear upstairs coming home.
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake you silly sod, it's a dumper truck. You've got to get your ears checked.
ROZ
What time is it? How long are these people going to stay out?
FRASIER
They can't be much longer.
ROZ
If it makes you feel better to think that, think that.
MARTIN
They're probably gone away for the weekend.
DAPHNE
By the time they get back there will just be four decaying bodies spread out here lying in a pool of excrement with the birds pecking away at our eyeballs.
FRASIER
And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.
MARTIN
It won't come to that Daph.
DAPHNE
Too right it won't. We'll have eaten you by then.
MARTIN
What?
DAPHNE
Think about it from a neutral point of view. You're the oldest, you've had more of a life than the rest of us. It's only fair that we eat you first. Besides you've got more meat on you than the rest of us. You'd keep us going for at least a week.
MARTIN
If anyone's got more meat on them it's Frasier.
DAPHNE
I'm not sure I'd want to eat him though.
ROZ
I'm not sure I'd want to eat anyone. Wouldn't we be able to catch a bird?
DAPHNE
Possibly but that wouldn't keep us going very long, and I don't think chickens can get up this high. No, the only answer is to eat one of us.
FRASIER
And what is the question? What is the most ridiculously, farfetched thing that we can think of before we die of boredom?
MARTIN
Get away from me. Don't look at me like that.
FRASIER
Look at you like what?
MARTIN
Like Eddie does when he hears a candy wrapper rattle.
DAPHNE
You're just being mean.
MARTIN
If we have to sleep out here just remember I'll hit you with my cane first if I feel teeth anywhere near me and ask questions later.
FRASIER
(SHOUTING) Help! Someone help me.
ROZ
We've already tried that. With the traffic no one can hear us.
FRASIER
(SHOUTING) I need an intelligent conversation quickly! Before I go insane. If I can't have that, can I at least have a gun?
DAPHNE
What's Eddie running around like that for?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
EDDIE STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE APARTMENT, GOING FROM ONE ROOM TO THE NEXT.
RESET TO:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
He probably wants to know where we are.
DAPHNE
What's that he's got in his mouth?
FRASIER
Oh my God no! It's his lead.
MARTIN
That's two of us who needs to pee.
FRASIER
What do we do?
MARTIN
There's nothing we can do. Upstairs haven't come home yet and you won't let us break the glass.
FRASIER
To start with you wouldn't be able to break this glass. It's double glazing. A procession of bloated, overweight elephants would find it hard to even crack it.
ROZ
I don't think he can hold it much longer.
FRASIER
Of course he can. Dad's got bigger kidneys than that.
ROZ
I was talking about Eddie.
DAPHNE
He's looking for somewhere to go. You can tell by the way he's sniffing.
FRASIER
Oh my God, not there. I've just had that floor polished.
MARTIN
Would you rather he did it on the carpet?
FRASIER
Carry on young Edward.
ROZ
Do you think I need a face-lift?
FRASIER
No.
ROZ
Thanks for the deep careful consideration.
DAPHNE
Well I guess we were wrong about that.
MARTIN
He didn't need to pee after all.
FRASIER
Oh yes, how delightful. Eddie hasn't left Daphne a puddle to clean up, instead it's more of a rock formation.
DAPHNE
It's days like this I remember why I took this job.
MARTIN
Has anyone ever been hang gliding?
FRASIER
No
DAPHNE
No
ROZ
No
MARTIN
Well that's exhausted that topic of conversation.
DAPHNE
I wonder where Niles is.
ROZ
Don't worry about it Daph. It's not as if he's with Mel to get revenge because he thinks you've been seeing someone else.
DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY BREAKS DOWN AS MARTIN COMFORTS HER
FRASIER
Well done Roz.
ROZ
What did I say?
FRASIER
Niles went off the handle, no pun intended, because he saw Joe here.
ROZ
I'm so sorry. Don't look at me like that. No one told me.
DAPHNE
He's probably never going to speak to me again.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE BURSTS THROUGH AND HAS GREAT DIFFICULTY WALKING AS HE HANGS ON TO THE CONSOLE
NILES
Daphne
DAPHNE
Niles!
NILES
Daphne.
DAPHNE
You've come back.
NILES
Daphne where are you? I can hear you but I can't see you.
DAPHNE
Turn on the terrace light.
NILES TURNS ON THE LIGHT BUT HAS HIS BACK TO THE WINDOW SO HE STILL DOES NOT SEE WHERE SHE IS
NILES
I still can't see you.
DAPHNE
You've got to turn around and face the terrace.
NILES TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS WITH SURPRISE
NILES
Oh look there you are.
DAPHNE
Niles I'm so sorry. Honestly he didn't come here to see me, he came here to work. Admittedly I did get dressed up, but only because I wanted to let him know what he's missed out on. I did nothing to talk about how much I love you. You've got to believe me.
NILES
I do believe you Daphne.
DAPHNE
You do?
NILES
Yes.
HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT OF COURSE THE GLASS IS IN THE WAY SO HE KISSES THAT INSTEAD
NILES (CONT'D)
My God you're lips have gone hard.
DAPHNE
That's so… wait a minute. Why are you eyes all glazed over?
NILES
Are they? I can't see from here. I can only see out of them, I can't see in to them.
FRASIER
He's plastered.
MARTIN
Niles have you been to a bar?
NILES
Dad I didn't see you there. Hello. Oh look and Frasier and Roz. It's a little party. I'm going to get a drink.
DAPHNE
Niles have you had a drink?
NILES
No
DAPHNE
Now honey don't lie.
NILES
I'm not I haven't had one drink.
ROZ
How many have you had?
NILES
Seven.
FRASIER
Seven?
NILES
Teen.
DAPHNE
Seventeen?
NILES
Yes.
FRASIER
Let's talk more about this in a moment. Niles can you open the door.
NILES
You know I can you've seen me do it lots of times Frasier.
FRASIER
No, can you do it now.
NILES
Suddenly I'm not feeling too well.
NILES COLLAPSES ON THE EAMES
DAPHNE
I'll take care of you in a minute but before I do that I need you to open the door.
NILES
You know what's funny?
DAPHNE
What?
NILES
They call them Bermuda shorts and yet you never see anyone from Bermuda wearing them.
FRASIER
That's wonderful Niles. Very well spotted and we'd love to talk more about it but can you open the door first.
NILES
This is a new sculpture. Little brown rocks. You know I've always considered starting a ceramic doll collection.
MARTIN
Niles.
NILES
You're wrong Dad, dolls are not just for girls. Some of them are pretty and I can comb their hair when I'm board.
MARTIN
You're right son and you know what?
NILES
What?
MARTIN
I'll buy your first one if you come over here and open the door so that I can pee.
NILES
I think I need to sit down.
DAPHNE
You are sitting down honey.
ROZ
Niles! Get your scrawny little ass over here and open the God damn door.
NILES GOES TO GET UP BUT PASSES OUT BEFORE HE CAN AND FLOPS FORWARD WITH HIS FACE PRESSED AGAINST THE WINDOW
RESET TO:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
That's just perfect. As if to make matters worse I now have my brothers face smeared on my window.
ROZ
Daphne honestly, how do you find that attractive?
MARTIN
Uh-oh Eddie's running again. Lick his face boy, wake him up.
DAPHNE
I don't like the way he's sniffing him.
FRASIER
Well quick, wake him up.
DAPHNE
Niles honey, wake up. Niles! Niles!
ROZ
Niles wake up!
DAPHNE
Oh no.
ROZ
That's very nice.
FRASIER
I see Eddie still doesn't know the difference between lick and urinate.
AS THEY RESIGN THEMSELVES TO HAVING TO STOP OUTSIDE A BIT LONGER WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: AS MARTIN CALLS TO SOMEONE IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE, A MAN ENTERS FRASIER'S APARTMENT AND OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR. DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES, ROZ KISSES THE MAN, AS MARTIN RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM AND FRASIER BEGINS TO CRY ABOUT THE MOUND THAT EDDIE HAS LEFT ON THE FLOOR.
