I don't own any of these characters. They are the sole right of Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.

Enjoy…


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Seven
Trading Places

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'TRADING PLACES'

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz)

FRASIER AND ROZ ARE ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION AS FRASIER FINISHES THE SHOW

FRASIER

And as I bring today's show to a close, I want to remind all my listeners that this is the last time I will be on air before Christmas. As many of you know, next week is job change week at KACL, and taking the reins of the Dr. Frasier Crane show will be my producer Roz Doyle and I in return will be sitting in the producers chair. But I feel that Roz is more than capable to fill my shoes. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health.

ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER GOES OFF AIR

ROZ

Thanks Frasier that's so nice of you to think that I can handle your show like that.

FRASIER

OK this is how it is going to play out. I'll write down what it is that you should say and press it up against the glass. Then all you have to do is read it.

ROZ

Frasier!

FRASIER

What?

ROZ

After what you just said on the air, you still don't trust me?

FRASIER

It's not a matter of trust. It's just what you know about psychology and helping people with their problems you could write on the back of a postage stamp.

ROZ

Thanks for the shot of confidence.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Roz but you have to admit that a schizophrenic monkey would be able to give a more professional opinion in this area then you are.

ROZ

Thankyou so much. But how do you think I feel having to leave you in charge over there. Hell, you can barely use the cough button without blowing yourself up. I wouldn't worry about what I'm going to say to the callers, because you've got to pass them through to me first.

FRASIER

Just what are you implying?

ROZ

What you know about producing you could write on a back of a postage stamp and still have enough room to type the Magna Carta.

FRASIER

All I'm saying is, if you can't handle a caller, tell them to call back next week.

ROZ

By which time Freud the Second Coming will be back to dole out advice from the depths of his brilliance. I'm sorry that your wife's left you Greg, but I can't handle this call, I'm only capable of giving advice to people who have lost their credit cards and can't find the right shade of lip-gloss.

FRASIER

Exactly.

ROZ

Oh come on Frasier this is supposed to be fun. You remember what fun is don't you? Like when that hypnotist got you to sing and drop your pants every time someone said doctor. That was fun.

FRASIER

That was not funny. Especially when it didn't wear off and that Policeman stopped me for my autograph. Before I could sign anything I had to have my trousers around my ankles and sing the love duet from Tosca. It took me three hours down at that Police station to get them to believe me. By that time I'd pulled them up and down so many times I strained my back.

ROZ

You should just consider yourself lucky. Not a lot of people would have gotten away from that position scot-free.

FRASIER

They understood I wasn't really flashing.

ROZ

I meant being locked in a prison cell with a bunch of guys and repeatedly bending down to drop your trousers. Your lucky you didn't come out of that situation, the wife of a guy called Bruce.

FRASIER

That would never happen. To start with he'd be the wife and I'd be the husband.

ROZ

Get real Frasier. I could crush you with my thighs let alone what a guy with a tattoo on his head and no teeth could do.

FRASIER

Anyway I've brought you a few books to read over the weekend to get you through the basics.

ROZ

Oh good homework. Like I don't have enough to do, taking care of my child and defrosting my freezer. And to make matters worse my date cancelled on me tonight.

FRASIER

Good, then you can spend the extra time getting on top of things.

ROZ

You're joking?

FRASIER

Well as you were going to spend the evening getting on top of things anyway, what does it matter if it's Freud and not…

ROZ

A Fireman nicknamed the anaconda.

FRASIER

Please tell me your talking about the size of his hose.

ROZ

Oh I am. In more ways than one.

FRASIER

I think you'll find the chapter on penis envy particularly insightful.

ROZ

You should know.

AS FRASIER GIVES ROZ A PILE OF BOOKS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'BETTER THE DOG THAN THE WINDOW'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Frasier, Eddie)

DAPHNE, MARTIN AND NILES STAND DECORATING THE TREE. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT MARTIN HAS GOT HIS WAY THIS YEAR WITH THE DECORATIONS. MARTIN HAS TINSEL ALL AROUND HIS CANE AND DAPHNE WEARS A SANTA HAT.

DAPHNE

It's going to be wonderful this year. Our first Christmas together.

SHE KISSES NILES

MARTIN

It's not your first Christmas together.

DAPHNE

Together, together I mean.

MARTIN

Oh together, together. Why didn't you say so?

DAPHNE

I thought I did.

NILES

This conversation is making my head hurt.

DAPHNE

What's that you're putting on the tree?

MARTIN

Nothing, just an old decoration.

NILES

It's a man riding a bull.

DAPHNE

How festive. I'm shocked they don't use one of those in the Nativity scene.

MARTIN

It's just a little hint for Frasier.

NILES

To hint what? That you've lost your mind.

MARTIN

No. I've asked him to get me the Rodeo Bloopers tape for Christmas and he keeps saying no.

DAPHNE

I'm baffled as to why.

MARTIN

So I am strategically placing little bulls around the apartment to coax him into buying it for me.

NILES

Why don't you just buy it yourself?

MARTIN

I never thought of that. No, this way I get to open something nice on Christmas morning, something that I really want.

NILES

How about a C.A.T. scan.

MARTIN

So are you going to be come around here first thing Christmas morning Niles?

NILES

(SUGGESTIVELY) Yes, or alternatively I could just stay the night.

DAPHNE

That's a wonderful idea. It'll make the perfect Christmas.

DAPHNE KISSES HIM AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Merry Christmas Niles!

DAPHNE

(CALLING FROM KITCHEN) You can spend the night on the couch and I'll see you first thing. Won't that be wonderful?

NILES

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh yes wonderful.

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR

MARTIN

Nice try.

ENTER FRASIER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION SOON TURNS TO ONE OF HORROR

FRASIER

Hello all. Oh dear God. I've stumbled upon the nightmare before Christmas. Niles, you've been here, couldn't you have stopped them?

NILES

Dad was just about to decorate the windows with snow in a can when I arrived. Just be joyful at the fact that it fell over the terrace and hit that little dog.

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Hello Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Hi Daphne, getting in the festive spirit I see.

MARTIN

I sure am.

FRASIER

That's because you've been possessed by it. Filling Puget Sound with holy water and gathering every exorcist in the Washington State area, still wouldn't be able to rid you of it.

DAPHNE

Niles is going to stop here Christmas eve is that all right?

FRASIER

Oh course.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(SUGGESTIVELY) So really? Staying the night Christmas Eve?

NILES

(FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM) Yes, on the couch.

FRASIER

Oh I see. Oh well at least you've always slept like a baby on there.

NILES

Except this time I'll be crying like a baby.

FRASIER

Where is Eddie? Putting on his beard to match the rest of his Santa suit?

MARTIN

No, not this year. I thought I'd go with something a little different. Eddie!

EDDIE ENTERS WEARING BULLHORNS WITH A LITTLE RODEO RIDER ON HIS BACK

FRASIER

For the last time I've told you no. I'd rather get you another dog than that bloopers tape.

MARTIN

Did you hear that boy? You're getting a baby…

FRASIER

I said rather, not that I'm going to.

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

NILES ANSWERS HIS PHONE AS DAPHNE ENTERS

NILES

Hello? Mel. I don't know. Yes OK. That's fine. Bye.

DAPHNE

What did she want?

NILES

She wants to see me on Monday. Apparently she has a few quibbles about the divorce that she wants to iron out.

FRASIER

I thought you'd reach some sort of financial agreement.

NILES

Well she came up with the financial part and was just pushing me for the agreement. I guess she's thought of something else that she wants.

MARTIN

I know what she wants all right. A good sharp poke with a cattle prod.

AS DAPHNE GOES TO COMFORT NILES WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Mike (V.O), Carla (V.O), Gil)

FRASIER STANDS STARING AT HIS WATCH AS ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER

Roz where have you been? The show starts in one minute.

ROZ

I know it can get a little annoying when the talent turns up late and you've been working for an hour.

FRASIER

Point taken. Right this here is the cough button and…

PICKING UP THE HEADPHONES

ROZ

I bet these crazy things are the microphone.

FRASIER

You think I'm patronising you.

ROZ

I don't think, I know.

FRASIER

Well all right Miss. Smarty-pants, you're on in ten.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS ROZ GOES ON THE AIR

ROZ

Good afternoon Seattle, this is Roz Doyle filling in for Frasier during KACL job change week. Before we begin I just want to say that I may not know the ins and outs of psychiatry but I do know people, so please call in.

FRASIER

Excuse me Roz, may I just add, that if you are not satisfied with the help that you get on the show this week, you can always call back after Christmas when we will resume our normal programming.

ROZ

I must apologise to those of you out there who have trouble sleeping, your normal nap time will resume after Christmas when Frasier returns. So Frasier who do we have on line one?

FRASIER

We have Mike from Tacoma.

ROZ

Hello Mike, how can I help you?

MIKE

Well I've always been a quiet, shy person, but lately it's been getting worse. I hardly speak to anyone any more. It's not only the fact that I'm so lonely but also because I haven't been out on a date in years that I need help. I have all the confidence of a continually passed over mail order bride.

ROZ

Well Mike this is a real problem. It's very hard to give advice on.

FRASIER SMILES SMUGLY AT ROZ

ROZ (CONT'D)

But fortunately I know exactly what you can do. It's time you started to do a little flirting. Now hit mw with your best pick up line.

FRASIER BEGINS TO FROWN, UNTIL ROZ LOOKS BACK AT HIM, THEN HE RESUMES HIS SMUG SMILE

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — THREE HOURS LATER

ROZ IS ON THE LINE TO CARLA. FRASIER LOOKS MISERABLE THROUGH THE GLASS

ROZ

I'll tell you what you do Carla, you kick him out.

CARLA

What?

ROZ

I don't care if you still have these lingering feelings. The fact is the man's a bum. And once a bum always a bum. You know deep down that he'll do it again and do you really want to go through this all again six months down the road?

CARLA

No.

ROZ

Exactly, no. When waxing your legs you don't put on the minimal amount of wax so you have to do it again straight after. What sort of sardonic freak would want to put themselves through that more than once if at all. Now trust me Carla, you kick him out, you dump him faster than radioactive waste.

CARLA

(WITH HORROR IN HER VOICE) Oh Roz!

FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SMILES WITH SMUG SATISFACTION OF BEING PROVED RIGHT

CARLA (CONT'D)

That is exactly what I've been wanting to hear for so long.

FRASIER'S JAW DROPS OPEN

CARLA (CONT'D)

I've wanted to do it for the longest time but I always thought that everyone would think that I was being too rash. Thankyou Roz, thankyou.

ROZ

You're welcome Carla. And on that I see that our time is up. I'll be back tomorrow along with Frasier if he manages to lift his mouth off the control panel. Have a good evening Seattle.

ROZ GOES OFF THE AIR AS A NUMBER OF PEOPLE; MAINLY PRODUCERS ENTER INTO THE BOOTH TO CONGRATULATE HER. FRASIER LOOKS ON IN HORROR AS GILL ENTERS

GIL

Frasier, we have to do something about this.

FRASIER

I know, it's fine for her to prove me wrong but does she have to rub my face in it?

GIL

I meant about ending this job exchange programme.

FRASIER

It's only for a week.

GIL

I don't care if it's only for another hour, we have to stop it now.

FRASIER

Listen Gil. We're all feeling a bit neglected.

GIL

Neglect has nothing to do with it. I don't feel right inflicting the listening public with this horror experiment.

FRASIER

Now Gil…

GIL

Don't now Gil me. You haven't had to sit and watch a man with community college written all over him give five stars to Greasy Pete's. A place where when you order a burger you have to ask for some meat with your onions.

FRASIER

Some people may agree with him.

GIL

I don't care. I want everything to go back to normal. Instead of leaving three hours ago after my show I've had to stay and work the extra hours for tomorrows show.

FRASIER

As long as it gives you a little taste of how hard the people on the other side of the glass work compared to us what's the harm. It'll give you a whole new respect for them.

GIL

God did not give me superior taste buds and table manners for it to be wasted away fetching jelly donuts for that man who gave ten out of ten for meat tasting cheese in a can.

AS GIL EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Mary, Niles, Mel)

ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER NERVOSA AND SIT AT THE TABLE IN THE CENTRE

ROZ

So you have to admit, I did pretty good.

FRASIER

You did OK. I'm not going to say there isn't room for improvement because there is.

ROZ

You're just mad because you didn't think I could do it.

FRASIER

I am not.

ROZ

Then why was that vein popping out of your forehead all the way through the show? Does it normally look as if it's about to explode all over the glass when you're happy and at peace with the world?

FRASIER

I was just hot.

ROZ

Hot and flustered because I rule at this shrink mumbo jumbo crap.

ENTER MARY

MARY

Oh my God are you…

FRASIER RISES TO SHAKE HER HAND

FRASIER

Yes I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Thanks for listening to the show.

MARY

I was going to say aren't you Roz Doyle, you did the show on KACL today.

ROZ

Yes I am.

MARY

Wow, I thought you were really great.

ROZ

Why thankyou.

FRASIER

She did get a grasp at the basics towards the end but…

MARY

It was so refreshing the way you handled the callers as well. It makes such a change to actually hear such clarity and concision. You got to the root of the problem and solved it in way that even I could understand.

ROZ

Thankyou so much. That's so nice of you. I didn't catch your name.

MARY

Mary Quebec. I've often considered phoning in, but have never been able to pluck up the courage. You'll hear from me tomorrow though. Before I go can I get your autograph?

ROZ

Of course.

ROZ SIGNS A NAPKIN

MARY

So who's your friend?

FRASIER

Dr. Frasier Crane.

MARY

(UNIMPRESSED) Oh. Thanks again. Bye.

EXIT MARY

ROZ

Oh my God, can you believe that?

FRASIER

No. As a matter of fact I can't. Where is that waitress? Do I have to sit here long enough to develop cobwebs around my ears before she'll serve me?

ROZ

Take it easy Frasier, I'll go to the counter.

ROZ GOES TO THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

Oh hi Frasier.

FRASIER

Niles. Aren't you going to join me?

NILES

I'm meeting Mel here.

FRASIER

Oh good God. I'm so sorry.

NILES

There's no need to be sorry yet, I don't even know what she wants. So how did the job exchange go today?

FRASIER

Needless to say it was a living nightmare.

ENTER MEL

NILES

And here's another one. Hello Mel.

THEY SIT AT THE TABLE NEXT TO FRASIER'S

MEL

Niles. So how have you been?

NILES

You expect me to exchange pleasantry's with you after the way you've been behaving?

MEL

I was just trying to start a conversation.

NILES

How about starting this conversation, what is it that you want?

MEL

For you to back off a bit to start. I didn't bring you down here to demand more money. I just need you to sign this.

MEL TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AS NILES STARTS TO READ IT

MEL (CONT'D)

You don't have to read it.

NILES

You expect me to sign something without reading it. It could be commitment papers for all I know.

MEL

Ending a marriage after three days has already let the world know you have issues with commitment, so why would I bother?

NILES

Mel, what does this mean?

MEL

I want us to get divorced Niles. I don't want anything from you.

NILES

Excuse me? I couldn't hear you over the God's singing.

MEL

I don't want your money, I've torn the financial agreement up, I just want this divorce.

NILES

But why?

MEL

Let's just say I've had a change of heart. Now I understand if you don't trust me. I can't say that it doesn't hurt more after the way you've already treated me but I can't change that. So read them, sign them and get them back to me as quickly as possible. I have to go. You look good Niles.

EXIT MEL AS ROZ RETURNS TO FRASIER WITH TWO COFFEE'S

ROZ

Here you go.

FRASIER

Thankyou. I'll pay for these.

ROZ

There's no need.

FRASIER

No really I insist.

ROZ

There's really no need. The owner heard the show today and gave them to me on the house for doing such a good job. Isn't it great?

FRASIER

(FEIGNING EXCITEMENT) Great. Yes.

ROZ

I'm coming. He wants me to sign his apron. Back in a minute.

ROZ GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER AS NILES COMES TO FRASIER'S TABLE

NILES

Did you hear that? I don't believe it.

FRASIER

Neither can I. I've had that show seven years and I've never got so much as a free napkin.

NILES

I didn't mean that.

FRASIER

Oh I see. Well that man did ask me to sign his stomach once.

AS NILES CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'COLD SHOWERS ALL AROUND'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Niles)

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AS DAPHNE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION FOLLOWING AN EXERCISE VIDEO

MARTIN

I get exhausted just watching you do this stuff.

DAPHNE

Don't tell porkys.

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

Porky Pie's, lies.

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

Don't lie.

MARTIN

Lie about what?

DAPHNE

Watching me do this.

MARTIN

Can we start this conversation again?

DAPHNE

Don't try to make out that you are watching me do this. I know very well that you've had your eyes fixated on the blond in the back row since I put the tape on.

MARTIN

I have not.

DAPHNE

Then why do you watch me do this everyday? You never join in.

MARTIN

I get warm sometimes and you create a nice breeze.

DAPHNE

You're only hot because you're all flustered watching that blond jig her bosom about.

MARTIN

The very idea of it…

DAPHNE

Brings that little glint to your eye.

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES

FRASIER

Hello everyone. Ahh, watching the blond again are we Dad?

MARTIN

I am not.

NILES

Hello my love.

DAPHNE

I'll be with you in just a minute. But if I stop now I won't be able to get going again.

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH DIRECTLY BEHIND DAPHNE AS SHE TOUCHES HER TOES

NILES

Believe me honey I wouldn't want you to stop.

MARTIN

So how goes the great job switch?

FRASIER

Oh fine.

DAPHNE

It sounded better than fine. She got more satisfied customers than you normally do.

NILES

That's because you can't tell the difference between satisfaction and being hooked on Prozac. So Frasier's numbers are a lot less in actual fact.

FRASIER

Thankyou Niles.

MARTIN

She sure sounded good to me. I'm real proud of her.

FRASIER

Then why don't you start the Roz Doyle fan club? You could be president and we could all pray and worship on Roz Doyle day.

MARTIN

Here we go again. You're jealous of her little tiny piece of success?

FRASIER

I am not.

DAPHNE

You could have fooled me.

FRASIER

I may be a little annoyed that after one show, people are asking for autographs and wanting to comb her hair. It took me three years to establish that sort of fan base. But it doesn't mean I'm jealous. I'm far from it. I am proud of her. She did well today.

DAPHNE

So well, they may offer her the chance to do her own show.

FRASIER

They would not! She doesn't know the first thing about psychiatry. With the advice she gives they might as well call her Dr. Cosmopolitan.

DAPHNE

(Laughing) It's so easy to get a rise out of you.

NILES

It is not!

THEY ALL STARE AT NILES

NILES (CONT'D)

I need a glass of cold water.

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

This is just like that Dr. Mary.

FRASIER

She was not a doctor.

MARTIN

We know Frasier. But if someone even attempts to offer another person advice without being qualified you get in a tizzy about it.

FRASIER

I don't.

MARTIN

You think that everyone should stick to the strict Freudian map of psychiatry and heaven forgive the person that doesn't.

FRASIER

She doesn't know the first thing about it.

MARTIN

I know son. But can't you just be the slightest bit happy for her. Give her credit where credit's due?

FRASIER

But she's not…

DAPHNE TURNS OFF HER VIDEO

DAPHNE

We know Roz isn't qualified but at least people are finding her advice helpful. They are the most important people here after all. The callers, the poor miserable tick ridden devils that wander around our streets without constraint. Be glad for Roz as well as them.

FRASIER

I suppose I am.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF WATER

DAPHNE

Ooh water. Can I have a bit of that?

HANDING HER THE WATER

NILES

Of course honey. My, you've certainly worked up quite a sweat there haven't you?

DAPHNE

It always gets me really hot.

SHE KNOCKS BACK THE BOTTLE OF WATER IN ONE AS NILES JUST WATCHES HER MESMERISED

NILES

That can happen.

DAPHNE

So how did things go with Mel today?

NILES

(GUILTILY) No I wasn't. Oh Mel? Incredible actually. She doesn't want anything, just this divorce to be finalised as quickly as possible.

MARTIN

You mean she doesn't want anything else?

NILES

No she doesn't want anything at all. She's torn up the financial settlement. She just wants this divorce to come to an end.

MARTIN

That's wonderful son.

DAPHNE

Oh Niles I can't believe it. You're finally going to be free.

NILES

I know then I can go prowling the Seattle hot spots looking for a date.

DAPHNE

You'll be gone a long time then.

MARTIN

Did she tell you why?

NILES

No. Just that she's had a change of heart.

FRASIER

Congratulations again Niles.

NILES

Thanks Frasier.

DAPHNE

Oh honey come here.

SHE GOES TO HUG HIM THEN STOPS AS SHE NOTICES HOW SWEATY SHE IS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

On second thoughts, look at the state of me. We can't have this pressed up against your suit now can we?

NILES

(HORNY) No we wouldn't want that would we?

DAPHNE

I think I need a cold shower, to cool me down.

DAPHNE KISSES HIM THEN EXITS TO HER ROOM

NILES

That makes two of us.

AS FRASIER GETS NILES SOME MORE WATER WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Neil (V.O), Pete (V.O))

FRASIER IS IN THE BOOTH WHEN ROZ ENTERS WITH A BIG BUNCH OF FLOWERS

FRASIER

Good afternoon Roz. Lovely flowers, who are they from?

ROZ

Off the station owner.

FRASIER

The station owner is sending you flowers?

ROZ

Yes he is.

FRASIER

Is there anyone you won't sleep with?

ROZ

Trust your mind to go straight to the gutter. He wanted to congratulate me for doing such a good job this week. I got the highest ratings at the station.

FRASIER

Well congratulations then. I'm just going to go on this side of the booth now.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SHUTS THE DOOR. HE THEN STARTS TO SHOUT AND STAMP HIS FEET. ROZ CAN NEITHER SEE OR HEAR HIM ON HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS SHE HAS HER BACK TO HIM, BEFORE HE SIGNALS FOR HER TO START

ROZ

Good afternoon Seattle…

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) Hello what's your problem?

NEIL

My mom just died and I'm real sad.

FRASIER

Hold please. A forest troll could deal with that in their sleep. In other words a perfect call for Roz to take. Wait a minute. If you're god's gift to psychiatry we'll throw you a few curve balls. (ON PHONE) Hay dead mom, call back when you have a real problem.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — ONE HOUR LATER

ROZ

I'm sorry Pete but I'm not really qualified to handle that problem. It is obvious though that you need to seek professional help.

PETE

I can't afford to see no psychiatrist. That's why I called the show in the first place.

FRASIER TAPS THE WINDOW AND WITH A SMUG GRIN ACROSS HIS FACE POINTS A FINGER AT HIMSELF AND NODS

ROZ

Alternatively then can you call back the first show after Christmas and Frasier will be able to help you.

PETE

I can't stay out on this window ledge till then. It's cold and it's starting to rain. I guess I'll have to come in until then.

ROZ

That's good news Pete. OK Frasier who do we have next?

FRASIER

We have Albert, Jenny, Mike, and June a schizophrenic from Kirkland on lines two, three, four and five.

ROZ

And I'll be right with them after this word from our sponsor.

ROZ BURSTS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

ROZ (CONT'D)

Frasier how could you do this to me?

FRASIER

Do what? Put the calls through.

ROZ

OK so I don't have your qualifications and I know I'm way out of my depth here. I'm sorry that people have been enjoying my show.

FRASIER

This is my show.

ROZ

But giving simple bits of advice to people is what I'm good at. And I'm sorry that you're jealous of my success.

FRASIER

I am not jealous.

ROZ

Oh come on Frasier, I've never seen anyone so green since Daphne took Niles to eat at Burger King.

FRASIER

Just admit you're trying to steal my show.

ROZ

I'm not trying to steal anything.

FRASIER

Yes you are.

ROZ

No I'm not.

FRASIER

Are.

ROZ

If you want to be a child about this then fine, I'll play. Let's play a guessing game. How many boxes of fan mail did I get this morning? Give up? Two. Two boxes.

FRASIER

So, I get two boxes as well.

ROZ

But mine are off more than one person. Where is your Christmas spirit?

FRASIER

At home waiting to be drunk when I finally have control of my show back.

AS ROZ EXITS TO CONTINUE THE SHOW WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Roz, Mel, Donny)

NILES AND MARTIN ARE DRINKING COFFEE WHEN FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Oh hi you two. Where's Daphne?

MARTIN

At home on the phone to her mom.

FRASIER

A real guilt trip, for not going home?

NILES

It's happened so many times over the last few weeks that she has frequent flyer miles. And of course it's all my fault for not letting her go home.

MARTIN

I thought she didn't want to go home.

NILES

She doesn't, but trying to explain that to her mother is like trying to explain monogamy to Roz.

FRASIER

Don't even mention that name.

MARTIN

I really don't get you. You should be happy that she's done so well, not stabbing her in the back.

FRASIER

I have done nothing of the sort.

MARTIN

I heard the show today Frasier. Putting a caller with obsessive compulsive disorder on five times in the space of twenty minutes is not what I call giving her a helping hand.

NILES

It's over now anyway. You can go back to your correct sides of the glass and if you're lucky possibly salvage your friendship.

FRASIER

Everything is as it should be. I do the show and Roz does everything else.

MARTIN

In other words you go back to working three hours a day and she goes back to working six.

FRASIER

Exactly.

MARTIN

You know the bond that the pair of you have formed is a lot like riding a bull.

FRASIER

Stop right there. In how many languages do I have to say no to you?

MARTIN

I can't have one thing that I want.

FRASIER

Unless I'm mistaken I've let you destroy my apartment. That is unless someone continually slips me a hallucinogenic before I open the front door.

ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Oh my God, oh my God. Thank God I've found someone I know.

FRASIER

What is it?

ROZ

Martin, Niles do you mind if I join you?

FRASIER

Who's being the child now?

ROZ

You'll never guess what's just happened. Kenny cornered me on my way out and wanted to have a talk. It turns out he wants me to front my own show on the weekends.

FRASIER

Doing what?

ROZ

Bite me.

NILES

Doing what?

ROZ

What I've been doing this week, giving people advice, helping them with their problems. Like a psychiatrist but not a psychiatrist. I don't talk to the wack jobs, they're left for some other schmuck.

MARTIN

That's great Roz.

NILES

Congratulations.

ROZ

There's Mike, I've got to go and tell him.

ROZ WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER

FRASIER

I missed that I was having a haemorrhage.

MARTIN

Come on Frasier be happy for her.

FRASIER

She has no qualifications and she's going to be doing my job.

NILES

It's not your job and may I remind you this is your friend your talking about.

MARTIN

As bull riders always say…

FRASIER

If you say bull once more I may have to beat you to death with your own cane.

NILES

Frasier calm down.

FRASIER

I will not calm down. I can't believe Kenny is going to give her, her own show. What is he thinking?

ROZ

Thankyou so much Frasier. I thought you at least would be happy for me. But someone like me an unwed single mother with no real education should be kept in her place, out of the limelight.

FRASIER

That's not what I'm saying at all.

MEL AND DONNY ENTER AND SIT BY THE WINDOW

ROZ

It sure sounds like it to me. I can't believe how you've turned on me this last week. Goodbye Frasier.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Roz, but I've only done what I've done because I don't want to loose you. I knew this would happen and I didn't want you to leave me. I love you Roz, you're my best friend and we make a pretty good team, I didn't want to loose that. My show is worthless without you. I'd have been taken off the air years ago if it weren't for you. I know it's selfish of me but I can't help that.

NILES

Oh my God.

FRASIER

Niles keep out of this.

NILES

Mel and Donny have just walked in.

MARTIN

So?

NILES

Look.

THEY TURN TO SEE MEL AND DONNY KISSING AND CUDDLING AS WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Daphne, Man, Martin, Niles, Frasier, Roz)

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND MAN ENTERS WITH A LEAD BUT THE DOG IS STILL IN THE HALL. MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR

DAPHNE

Can I help you?

MAN

I was just curious to see if you had any snow in a can on your windows.

MARTIN

No, we haven't got any of that. Why?

MAN

Some jerk threw a can over one the terraces on this side of the building and hit my dog. Look at him, twelve stitches he's had to have. Do you have any idea what the vet's bill has cost me?

HE PULLS THE DOG INTO VIEW WHO HAS A NASTY SCAR DOWN HIS BACK AND A CONE ON HIS HEAD

DAPHNE

I'm sorry but it wasn't us.

MAN

OK thankyou.

EXIT MAN AND ENTER NILES WITH A BAG

NILES

Hello. What happened to that dog?

DAPHNE

Some evil bugger threw some snow in a can off one of the balconies at him.

NILES

Oh well, let's just lock this door than shall we.

HE SHUTS AND LOCKS THE DOOR.

DAPHNE

Have you noticed where you're standing?

NILES

In the living room?

SHE LIFTS HIS CHIN UNTIL HE SEES THE MISTLETOE

NILES (CONT'D)

Ahh, now I get it.

THEY KISS AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Do you want to put your bag in my room?

NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT AS HE HOLDS HER HAND

NILES

I need to talk to you about something first.

DAPHNE

This sounds serious.

NILES

I know why Mel doesn't want any money. As it turns out Mel and Donny are now dating.

SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY FROM HIM AND GROWS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE

DAPHNE

How do you know this?

FRASIER

We saw them in Nervosa.

DAPHNE

You spoke to them?

NILES

Yes.

DAPHNE

Are they serious?

NILES

I can't see why they'd lie?

DAPHNE

No I meant a serious relationship.

NILES

She was wearing an engagement ring.

DAPHNE

I see. Well that's great I'll just check on dinner.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS NILES LOOKS CONCERNED AFTER HER

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ

ROZ

What kind of sick freak would do that to a dog?

FRASIER

Roz what can I do for you? Come to rub your job offer in my face. But just remember I've taught you everything you know.

ROZ

How do you work that one out?

FRASIER

You can't have worked with me for seven years and not picked anything up.

ROZ

Someone sure thinks a lot of themself.

FRASIER

Yes and I think it's you.

ROZ

Listen I didn't come here so we could hurl insults. You have Lilith for that. I wanted to let you know I've rejected the job offer.

FRASIER

Why?

ROZ

I don't want to end our friendship over it. The hours weren't great and I'd miss you too much.

FRASIER

You'd give up your big break for me.

ROZ

Yes.

FRASIER

I can't let you do it Roz.

ROZ

I've already done it. Although with your permission I've angled myself another deal.

FRASIER

What's that?

ROZ

When you're on vacation I get to do your show.

FRASIER

I think I can handle that. I'll be happy to know that it's you keeping my seat warm and no one else.

ROZ

I have to get going. My mom's getting the dinner ready. Merry Christmas Frasier.

THEY HUG

FRASIER

Merry Christmas Roz. I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe the three of you could come around.

ROZ

That would be great. Bye everybody, merry Christmas.

ROZ EXITS AS DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE PLATES FOR THE TABLE

NILES

Do you want any help Daphne?

DAPHNE

You know what? I think I'm going to go for a quick walk. I need a breath of fresh air.

NILES

That's a great idea. I'll come with you.

DAPHNE

If you don't mind I'd rather go on my own.

DAPHNE GRABS HER COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS NILES FOLLOWS HER

NILES

I understand.

DAPHNE

I won't be long then we can have dinner.

NILES

OK.

NILES NOTICES THE MISTLETOE ABOVE THE DOOR

DAPHNE

See you in a bit.

NILES

But wait Daphne…

DAPHNE EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR HARDER THAN USUAL

NILES (CONT'D)

You're standing under the mistletoe.

AS NILES GETS HIMSELF A DRINK WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne)

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH UNFOLDING A BLANKET AS FRASIER HEADS TO BED. BOTH ARE WEARING PYJAMAS. ALL LIGHTS ARE OUT EXCEPT THE ONES ON THE TREE

FRASIER

Are you going to be all right here?

NILES

I'm fine Frasier.

FRASIER

It was just a surprise Niles that's all. A shock to the system that he'd get over her that quickly. Diane was just the same when I started dating again. She'll get over it.

NILES

I know.

FRASIER

Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN IN HER ROBE, WITH A GLASS OF WATER.

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Merry Christmas Daphne.

DAPHNE

Goodnight, merry Christmas Dr. Crane.

FRASIER EXITS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Are you all right here?

NILES

I'm fine.

DAPHNE

Goodnight then.

SHE QUICKLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND EXITS TO HER ROOM. NILES SIGHS AND LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH. AFTER A LONG BEAT DAPHNE ENTERS AND STANDS AT THE DOORWAY LOOKING AT HIM. HE DOESN'T SEE HER. SHE THEN SMILES, WALKS TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I must warn you now, apparently I snore like a saw going through a sheet of metal while being eaten by a cow.

SHE LIFTS UP THE BLANKET, LIES DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND PULLS HIS ARM AROUND HER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Merry Christmas Niles.

NILES

Merry Christmas Daphne.

A BEAT

DAPHNE

I love you.

NILES

I love you too.

HE KISSES THE BACK OF HER NECK AS THEY BOTH CLOSE THEIR EYES AND DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: DAPHNE LIES TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE COUCH AND THEN FALLS OFF. CONFUSED SHE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR, STANDS ON THE COUCH, STEPS OVER NILES AND PUSHES HIM TO THE EDGE AS SHE LIES BACK DOWN.