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Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eight
One Flew Over The Crane Nest

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Niles)

FRASIER IS STANDING BY THE OPEN DOORWAY LEADING ONTO THE TERRACE TALKING ON THE PHONE

FRASIER

(ON THE PHONE) Niles are you ready? You hold the flashlight then and let the doorman look down the drain. For God's sake I'm not asking you to get in the sewer and take a swim, just look down it. Are you ready now? (SHOUTING) OK Daphne flush.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTING FROM DOWN THE HALL) I'm flushing the toilet now.

FRASIER

She's just flushed it Niles. It's going to take longer than that for the water to reach the sewer you twit. Just keep looking. That is not a rat it's a dog. Yes it is I can see from here. You are such a baby. You are not going to catch the plague by hovering over an open manhole holding a flashlight and a hanky to your face.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY

DAPHNE

Any joy?

FRASIER

Not yet. It doesn't help us at our quest the fact that Niles refuses to lie on the road and look down the manhole. He just keeps hovering. (ON PHONE) Yes Niles? So what if a car splashed you. You're the one who wanted to go down there. Speak to Daphne while I flush it again.

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE PHONE AND THEN EXITS DOWN THE HALL

DAPHNE

(ON PHONE) Hello. I'm sure they didn't mean to splash you on purpose. We'll just have to snuggle up in front of the fire then until you're dry. No you don't have to come up now.

FRASIER

(SHOUTING FROM HALL) I've flushed it.

DAPHNE

(ON PHONE) You're brother just flushed it again. Niles? Niles? Oh hello Ian. He's run off upstairs. I can't say I'm surprised. Dr. Crane's just flushed it again. If you don't see them in the next couple of minutes, I think you should give up. OK, Bye Ian.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

What's happening?

NILES

Niles is on his way up but Ian's going to stop a little longer.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY

MARTIN

Has he found them?

FRASIER

No Dad. You stand more chance of finding the Holy Grail then you do trying to find a set of false teeth in the sewers of Seattle.

MARTIN

Don't get snippy with me. After all it's my teeth that have gone on the ride of their life, not yours. I bet some rats probably wearing them by now. I'm going to go to the dentist tomorrow, I can't keep wearing these old ones. They don't feel right.

DAPHNE

I don't understand how you did it in the first place.

MARTIN

Well I was using the toilet.

FRASIER

Why would you have your teeth out of your mouth while using the toilet?

DAPHNE

I don't think I really want to hear the answer to that question.

MARTIN

They were in my mouth at the time.

DAPHNE

Please say your teeth.

MARTIN

Of course my teeth.

FRASIER

Then how did they get from your mouth to down the toilet?

MARTIN

As I flushed, I yawned and they just feel out and landed in the bowl. By the time I'd bent down to put my hand down there, they'd gone.

DAPHNE

It's not the most charming story I've ever heard. Although a similar thing happened to my Uncle Jack. He had a violent sneeze while using the bathroom and the force made his false eye fly out of his head. We all thought it had gone down the toilet but when I took the dog for a walk and I noticed his business was looking at me, we realised that he'd eaten it. My Uncle was so glad to get it back.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS SOAKED FROM HEAD TO TOE

FRASIER

Niles you're wet.

NILES

That happens when you're nearly drowned by a passing car. I wouldn't care if it were a Mercedes or a BMW. But no, I get assaulted by a hatchback.

FRASIER

You're not coming in here like that. It looks as if you swam here.

NILES

Do you suggest I stay out in the hall and dry?

FRASIER

These floors have just been polished. You're not coming in like that.

DAPHNE

Who polishes them?

FRASIER

You do.

DAPHNE

Then I say he can come in. Take off your coat, I'll get you a towel.

NILES TAKES HIS COAT OFF AS DAPHNE GETS HIM A TOWEL FROM THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO RUB HIS HEAD WITH IT

NILES

Dad you have teeth.

MARTIN

Niles you have ears. Why are we talking like this?

NILES

Don't tell me I've spent the last hour with my head down a drain looking for your teeth and they were in your mouth all along.

MARTIN

These are my old ones.

NILES

I didn't know you had two sets.

MARTIN

Sure I do. These are the ones I make Eddie wear at Halloween.

FRASIER

Please tell me you washed them first.

MARTIN

Of course I did. They gather a lot of dust in a year. I always give them a quick swill before I put them in Eddie's mouth.

FRASIER

I still maintain we were switched at birth.

NILES

That's impossible, it couldn't happen twice.

FRASIER

You're right of course. He is your father.

NILES

These are nice flowers. Where have they come from?

FRASIER

Before you have a panic attack, they're mine not Daphne's.

DAPHNE

My God you're so paranoid. What's it going to take to convince you that you're the love of my life?

NILES

Marry me.

DAPHNE

But you're still married.

NILES

Pretty soon you'll grow tired of that excuse and say yes. So who has been sending you flowers?

FRASIER

They're off a fan actually. They were waiting at the station for me when I arrived today. Actually it's quite flattering to think that someone admires me that much to send me gifts.

AS NILES CONTINUES TO GET DRY WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'FATAL ATTRACTION'

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Deborah (V.O.))

ROZ IS ON FRASIER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ

You have been holding out on me.

FRASIER

I have?

ROZ

Yes. Who is Deborah?

FRASIER

I have no idea.

ROZ

Oh come on Frasier. You get flowers yesterday and today you get this.

SHE PRODUCES A LARGE TEDDY BEAR HOLDING A GIANT HEART FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE

ROZ (CONT'D)

And the card says 'To my darling Frasier, all my love Deborah.'

FRASIER

Really? How do you know what the card said?

ROZ

I read it. So who is she? Did you get a little action recently?

FRASIER

Honestly Roz I have no idea who this woman is. It's just a fan I suppose.

ROZ

You have a fan who's sending you flowers and giant teddy bears at work?

FRASIER

Jealous?

ROZ

Are you insane? More to the point is she insane?

FRASIER

Oh come on Roz. Just because she sends me a couple of gifts doesn't mean you can label her an escaped mental patient.

ROZ

Fine OK. But I'm telling you, this can only lead to one thing.

FRASIER

Eventually she'll buy me a beach house?

ROZ

More like a bunny boiling in a pot on your stove. You're on in ten.

ROZ EXITS TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD SET ON

FRASIER

Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. So without further adieu lets get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one?

ROZ

We have Deborah from Seattle.

FRASIER

Hello Deborah. I'm listening.

DEBORAH

Hello Dr. Crane. I can't believe I'm actually talking to you. You have no idea what a big thrill this is.

FRASIER

Why thankyou. How can I help you?

DEBORAH

Marry me.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

DEBORAH

I love you Dr. Crane. I always have.

FRASIER

I'm very flattered Deborah but…

DEBORAH

Did you get the flowers?

FRASIER

Yes I did and the teddy bear this afternoon.

DEBORAH

How about the candy?

FRASIER

Candy?

DEBORAH

You didn't get the candy? Man I don't believe this. What is wrong with the world today? It should have been there this morning. I am so angry, I could scream (SHE SCREAMS) Someone is going to pay for this, they can't treat me this way. I'll call you later honey.

FRASIER

Here is a word from our sponsor. Oh my God Roz! She's insane. If she screams that much because a delivery is slow, what is she going to do when I tell her to leave me alone?

ROZ

The first thing you do is buy a baseball bat.

FRASIER

Are you serious? I don't even know how to operate one let alone where to buy one. I've got to get an unlisted phone number.

ROZ

You're phone number is already unlisted.

FRASIER

I meant for here.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO PANIC WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Deborah, Waitress)

NILES IS SITTING DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS

NILES

Hello Frasier. My God you look tense. I was going to suggest you ask Daphne to give you a massage but looking at you, you might break her fingers.

FRASIER

It's my fan.

NILES

Ooh you finally have a fan. I'll crack open some champagne and we can celebrate.

FRASIER

I'm terrified she might crack open my head. Niles, she's mad.

NILES

Well she is your fan after all.

FRASIER

No I mean really insane.

NILES

How insane? Insane like she'd order the 92 Dom Perignon instead of the 90, or insane as in she keeps a pair of your underwear to dust her furniture.

FRASIER

Worse. She says she loves me and wants to marry me.

NILES

Then she must truly be insane. Lock that woman up she's a danger to herself.

FRASIER

That's very funny, but I am having a crisis here.

NILES

Oh Frasier calm down. You've wanted celebrity status all your life and now you finally have it. Unfortunately this is one of the pitfalls that comes with it. I wouldn't worry about it.

FRASIER

I suppose your right Niles.

NILES

Feeling better?

FRASIER

I guess I am.

NILES

Good, now it's your turn to comfort me.

FRASIER

Comfort you? Why what's the matter?

NILES

Frasier I'm beginning to get desperate.

FRASIER

Desperate how?

NILES

Frasier if I don't have sex soon I think I'm going to explode.

FRASIER

For God's sake Niles. Desperate is when you're single with no romantic prospects in sight. You have a woman who is smitten with you and who you feel the same way about. For God's sake I'm desperate.

NILES

I know you are. But Daphne and I seem to be stuck in a rut. We agreed not to rush into anything until we'd been together a while and the divorce had come through. The divorce is finally moving swiftly through the courts and we've been together for months and yet still nothing.

FRASIER

Have you spoken to her about it?

NILES

No. But what would I say to her?

FRASIER

Just tell her how you feel.

NILES

What like, our relationship it's wonderful, it's marvellous, you've made my life so glamorous, you can't blame me for feeling amorous.

FRASIER

Yes and by the time you've sang the entire Gershwin songbook she may feel the same way.

NILES

So you really think I should talk to her?

FRASIER

You'll get her take on it. It'll be better for you to know if you're on the same page or not.

NILES

The same page, I wish. I have a feeling we're reading different books. I'm reading the Karma Sutra and she's reading Goldie Locks and The Three Bears. On one hand I want her so much, but then on the other I worry that sex might ruin what we already have. I'm just nervous, I don't want to spoil it.

FRASIER

The longer this stalemate goes on for though, the harder and more uncomfortable it is going to be when you finally reach the physical side to your relationship. Why does that woman keep staring at me?

NILES

Maybe it's your fan.

FRASIER

Niles don't even joke. So are you going to talk to Daphne?

NILES

I don't think so. I don't want to set us back any further. This slow pace is killing me, but a year ago we weren't even running the same race so I can't really complain.

FRASIER

Niles if you took it any slower the relationship would be in a coma. That woman is still staring at me. Oh she's coming over. Don't look, don't look.

DEBORAH APPROACHES THE TABLE

DEBORAH

How much longer do I have to wait before you talk to me?

FRASIER RISES TO GREET HER

FRASIER

I'm terribly sorry. I'm Frasier Crane, this is my…

DEBORAH

You think I don't know that sweetie? By the way I got that candy situation all cleared up.

FRASIER

Deborah?

DEBORAH

I had to break a few bones, normally that's just an expression, but you'll get them this time.

FRASIER

Good lord, look at the time I must run.

FRASIER EXITS RUNNING AT GREAT SPEED

DEBORAH

But Frasier… Hello. You're Frasier brother, Niles, correct?

NILES

Oh look at the time, I must be running along as well.

NILES EXITS THE SAME WAY FRASIER DID AS DEBORAH STARES AFTER THEM AND WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Deliveryman)

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WITH HIS HAND IN HIS MOUTH AS DAPHNE SETS THE TABLE

DAPHNE

Will you leave your mouth alone?

MARTIN

I'm sorry but they just don't feel right. They're not my teeth. It's like having something foreign in your mouth.

DAPHNE

But they are your teeth.

MARTIN

But they don't feel like my old ones. They don't fit properly.

DAPHNE

I'm taking you to the dentist next week, what more do you want?

MARTIN

The ability to chew corn.

DAPHNE

Just take them out and I'll put your dinner in the blender. You can suck it through a straw.

MARTIN

English cooking strikes again.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

FRASIER

You're not still complaining about your teeth?

MARTIN

I'm so sorry to bore you. But if you were any kind of a son, you'd take me to the sewage farm to see if I could get my old ones back.

FRASIER

There is more chance of what ever Daphne is cooking being edible then there is of me taking you to the sewage farm.

DAPHNE

That's two people having no dinner tonight.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Just think about all the museums you've dragged me around.

FRASIER

There is little to no chance of any museum that I've taken you to exploding if you light a match, or having to walk through a pool of disinfectant before you leave.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER DELIVERYMAN WEARING A PLASTER CAST ON HIS RIGHT ARM AND A NECK BRACE CARRYING A SMALL BOX OF CANDY

MAN

Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Yes.

MAN

I'm from Candy Direct, I have a package for you. I must apologise again for the time it's taken. I am extremely sorry and can you please tell Deborah that I said that.

THE DELIVERYMAN EXITS AND ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier, Deborah, Man)

NILES IS DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS WEARING SUNGLASSES, BASEBALL CAP (BORROWED FROM MARTIN) AND THE COLLAR OF HIS TRENCHCOAT TURNED UP

NILES

Either you've joined the FBI or you're trying to hide from someone.

FRASIER

I'm trying to avoid Deborah.

NILES

Who?

FRASIER

My fan. The woman who is practically stalking me.

NILES

I think you might be exaggerating a bit there.

FRASIER

Today I have already seen her four times.

NILES

Congratulations that's a record for your love life.

FRASIER

Very funny. Everyday this week she's been in here and been drawn to me like Dad is to tacky furniture.

NILES

Just tell her to leave you alone.

FRASIER

I don't want to upset her. I saw her kick a pigeon the other day that nearly tripped her up. So how is it going on the Daphne front?

NILES

Not well. As you know last night just ended with a kiss.

FRASIER

I'd hardly call what happened last night just a kiss. More like a ten-minute tonsillectomy by the elevator. There is such a thing as too much.

NILES

I didn't hear Daphne complaining.

FRASIER

That's because if she'd tried to speak she'd have choked. You're like a couple of teenagers.

NILES

There's a significant difference. Teenagers have sex. The way we're going I might as well buy us matching cardigans and sterilise myself.

FRASIER

I don't see why this is so hard. Just initiate the first move and see where it leads.

NILES

You know I've never been very good at that. I haven't had much experience. Maris' idea of foreplay was turning off the light, taking a water pill and rubbing some vapour rub on her chest. I don't want to force it. That sort of loutish behaviour is beyond me. I am first and foremost a gentleman.

FRASIER

Well then you've just got to give it time. It'll happen when the times right. Then we probably won't see you for weeks at a time.

NILES

Saying things like that doesn't actually help. Do you have any idea how horny I am at the moment?

ENTER DEBORAH

FRASIER

All you have to do is think about Aunt Lissy in a teddy. Oh my God it's Deborah.

DEBORAH

Frasier!

FRASIER

She's seen me.

NILES

How did you work that out Sherlock?

A MAN ACCIDENTALLY WALKS INTO DEBORAH WITH A CUP OF COFFEE. HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY SPILL ANY ANYWHERE

DEBORAH

Are you insane? Are you trying to scold me with a cup of coffee?

MAN

I'm sorry but you walked into me.

DEBORAH

I walked into you. I am so mad I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS) How dare you speak to me like that.

DEBORAH THEN STARTS TO BEAT THE MAN WITH HER UMBRELLA, KNOCKING THE COFFEE ALL OVER HERSELF

DEBORAH (CONT'D)

You spilled your coffee on me!

SHE CONTINUES TO BEAT HIM WITH MORE FORCE

FRASIER

Quick she's distracted, I'm out of here.

NILES

Wait for me. I don't want to be beaten to death when I tell her you've left.

FRASIER AND NILES SINK TO THEIR HANDS AND KNEES, CRAWL AND EXIT OUT OF CAFÉ NERVOSA. DEBORAH DOESN'T NOTICE THEM UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF THE DOOR BECAUSE SHE IS DISTRACTED BEATING THE MAN

DEBORAH

Frasier, honey, wait, come back. Are you happy now? They've left because they were frightened of the loon who likes to throw coffee on people.

SHE STARTS TO BEAT HIM AGAIN AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Deborah)

NILES IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHILE FRASIER POURS TWO SHERRY'S AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

NILES

Hello sweetie.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

What are you doing around here? You two are normally at Nervosa around now.

NILES

We were but we thought it was safer if we left.

DAPHNE

Is that man with pink eye on foamer duty again?

ENTER MARTIN FROM THE KITCHEN

NILES

No we ran into Frasier's fan.

DAPHNE

Again? Is she still following you?

FRASIER

Every time I turn around, there she is.

NILES

I don't think you'll see her again for a while though. Unless she uses her one phone call to call you. I'll be stunned if she doesn't get arrested this time.

DAPHNE

Why what happened?

FRASIER

A man accidentally walked into her and she started to beat him with her umbrella.

MARTIN

What did you do?

FRASIER

What could I do? I crawled out of there.

DAPHNE

You coward. You let her beat a man with an umbrella as you crawled out of there on your hands and knees?

NILES

It's disgraceful, cowardly behaviour.

FRASIER

Oh shut up Niles, you did exactly the same thing.

NILES

At least I didn't start crying when I put my hand on a fork.

FRASIER

That's right you didn't. You saved it for when we were in the car and you realised you'd knelt on a sticky bun. I'm going to have to call the Police about her.

MARTIN

Are you out of your mind? They have more important things to deal with than this.

FRASIER

I don't care. It's their job to serve and protect and I need protecting and she definitely needs serving.

MARTIN

What from? A lady who showers you with gifts. They'll laugh you all the way out of the station.

FRASIER

But she's everywhere that I go.

MARTIN

So what. It's a coincidence.

FRASIER

She was in the men's room at the station today.

DAPHNE

Maybe she just wondered in there by mistake.

NILES

Or she couldn't find the ladies room.

FRASIER

She had a pair of scissors, pinned me down and cut off a lock of my hair.

NILES

Slightly creepier than I first thought.

DAPHNE

If she wants your hair I don't know why she doesn't call me. She could make herself a Frasier hair sweater with the amount of hair I find in your bathroom plug holes.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

I'm just glad I'm home. This is the one place where I won't run into her.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER DEBORAH

DEBORAH

Frasier, sweetie pie. There you are.

FRASIER

Deborah!

DEBORAH

Why are you so surprised to see me?

FRASIER

Because my address is unlisted and I was very careful not to give it to you.

DEBORAH

I have a confession to make. I followed you home.

FRASIER

You followed me home today?

MARTIN

Quick someone get a pointed stick. Preferably with a nail in the end.

DEBORAH

No I didn't follow you home today. It was a few weeks ago. But then yesterday as I sat in my car staring up at your apartment with my binoculars I thought to myself 'Deborah why are you sitting down here in the cold, when the man that loves you is up there in a nice warm apartment'.

FRASIER

And the man who loves you would be?

DEBORAH

You silly.

FRASIER

Deborah I don't love. I hardly know you. And from what I do know, I know enough to know I don't want to get to know you any better.

DEBORAH

What are you saying? Are you breaking off our engagement?

FRASIER

Deborah we're not engaged.

DEBORAH

We are.

FRASIER

No we're not.

DEBORAH

Don't start with me Frasier. Don't argue with me. Don't make me mad. I'm so mad I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS)

DAPHNE RUSHES TO CALM HER

DAPHNE

Listen Deborah you're obviously very upset so why don't you go home and get some rest.

DEBORAH

Who are you? Frasier have you been cheating on me. I'll scream.

DAPHNE

Please don't. I'm his brother's girlfriend. That's all. Now why don't you get off home?

DEBORAH

All right fine. But I'm watching you. If I find you've been coming on to my Frasier I will kill you. Normally that would just be an expression.

DAPHNE

OK. Bye.

EXIT DEBORAH AS DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR

MARTIN

OK fine. You pass me the phone, I'll speak to someone about her.

AS MARTIN DIALS THE PHONE WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Deborah, Noel)

ROZ IS IN FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS. THE WHOLE BOOTH IS FULL OF BALLOONS, BANNERS AND FLOWERS.

FRASIER

Hello Roz. Oh dear God.

ROZ

What a coincidence, that's what most of the gift cards say.

FRASIER

Are they all from Deborah?

ROZ

All except this one. I bought this one to play a prank on you and freak you out. But I see Deborah can do that well enough on her own.

FRASIER

This is starting to get ridiculous. Every time I turn around there she is. I'm starting to get really worried.

ROZ

Oh she's not really a threat.

FRASIER

Are you serious? Yesterday as I was coming out of Nervosa, she viscously attacked an elderly man with her purse because he got in the way of her taking a picture of me. Not to mention the man she attacked who walked into her. Do you have any idea how it feels to have some one act this way towards you?

ENTER NOEL, WHO WALKS PASSED THE GLASS, TAPS ON IT AND WAVES AT ROZ. EXIT NOEL

ROZ

No, no idea at all.

ENTER DEBORAH WALKING PASSED THE GLASS. FRASIER DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND CRAWLS TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER

Oh my God it's Deborah. Hide me.

ROZ

Hide you where? I'm not like a kangaroo, I haven't got a pouch you can hide in.

FRASIER

Just get rid of her.

ROZ

Hello Deborah.

DEBORAH

Miss Doyle. Is Frasier in here?

ROZ

I'm afraid not. He's not feeling too well today so we're putting the best of Crane on.

DEBORAH

Oh my poor baby. I've got to go and see him.

DEBORAH EXITS QUICKLY AS ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO SEE FRASIER WHO IS STILL ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER

Well done Roz. Now I've got the lunatic heading over to my place. Do you have any idea what's she's capable of, especially when she finds out I've been lying to her.

DEBORAH QUIETLY ENTERS BEHIND HIM AS ROZ BEGINS TO GESTURES TO FRASIER TO BE QUIET

FRASIER (CONT'D)

In it's bluntest term Deborah is a grade A fruit loop.

DEBORAH

Is that what you think of me.

FRASIER

No Deborah no. I think you're the sanest of all my stalkers. I was referring to a caller we had the other day. She was divorcing her husband because she kept her father's ashes in a coffee jar and he accidentally drank him.

DEBORAH

Don't lie to me. How could you treat me like this after the way I've loved you? I'm so angry I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS) You'll pay for this.

EXIT DEBORAH

FRASIER

Oh my God. Roz why didn't you tell me she was behind me?

ROZ

What did you think I was going like this for? Telling you to steal second?

FRASIER

You could have made it more obvious.

ROZ

If I had made it any more obvious people would think I was trying to back a plane in.

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO DEFEND HERSELF WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/5
(Roz, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Deborah)

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ ENTERS.

ROZ

Hi Daphne.

DAPHNE

Hello Roz.

ROZ

Wow, look at the size of that fruit basket. Is it from Deborah?

DAPHNE

Do you know anyone else who is in love with Dr. Crane?

ROZ

Yeah, you. But that's a different Dr. Crane.

DAPHNE

Actually Roz I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you about Niles.

ROZ

This sounds serious.

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE GETS TWO BOTTLES OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE

DAPHNE

Have you ever been in a relationship where you agreed to take it slow to start with but it's got to a point where you can't look at him without wanting to strip naked and hurl yourself across his desk at him?

ROZ

I can honestly say no. I've never been one to take things slow.

DAPHNE

Why not?

ROZ

Because if I take things too slow I can't see two men in one night. Are you two still not sleeping together?

DAPHNE

No. Is that strange?

ROZ

No it's not strange. It's abnormal but it's not strange. Why is it taking so long?

DAPHNE

I just don't know if he feels the same, if he's ready yet.

ROZ

Are you kidding? Niles has been as horny as a stag for months.

DAPHNE

But he's always like that. He just never initiates anything and I'm frightened of what he'd think of me if I just pounced on him like a lion on a zebra carcass.

ROZ

That's such a romantic image.

DAPHNE

How do I find out if we're on the same page?

ROZ

Have you gone over there with the intention of stopping the night?

DAPHNE

I've done everything but smoother myself in baby oil and throw myself at him.

ROZ

We'll call that plan B. It's all a matter of body language. You have to put on the moves that let him know you want sex.

DAPHNE

I tried that. He thought I was having a seizure.

ROZ

You are just going to have to talk to him about it then.

DAPHNE

I know but I'm just worried we might ruin what we already have. Right now it's just so perfect, I've never experienced anything like this before. What if I don't live up to his expectations? I mean he's been fantasising about me for eight years. What if I don't live up to what he has in his head?

ROZ

That is never going to happen, because this time it will be real. Now I don't want to have you boss you around, but you are going to have sex with him whether you like it or not.

DAPHNE

Is that a direct order?

ROZ

Yes it is. Are you staying in tonight?

DAPHNE

Tonight we're having dinner in with Mr. Crane, tomorrow we're going out.

ROZ

Let's start with what you are going to wear.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER

Hello. Deborah? Listen Deborah as flattered as I am by all this attention, I don't really think that's it's appropriate and I would appreciate it if you didn't call here any more. It has nothing to do with you personally. It's not you it's me. I'm sorry. Don't cry, please. No don't scream.

HE PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS EAR AS WE HEAR HER SCREAM THROUGH IT. HE THEN HANGS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh my God. I've made her angry again.

MARTIN

Don't worry about it Frasier.

FRASIER

Don't worry about it? You saw what she did to that candy deliveryman.

MARTIN

What could she possibly do? She's tiny.

FRASIER

They said the same thing about Kathy Bates in Misery. Before I know it she's be keeping me locked up and hitting my feet with sledgehammers.

MARTIN

That's not going to happen.

FRASIER

Are you sure?

MARTIN

Sure I'm sure. She'd break her back from the strain if she even attempted to pick up a sledgehammer. She'd have to use a regular size hammer.

FRASIER

Thankyou, you've made me feel much better.

MARTIN

Calm down Frasier. If it goes on for much longer, you know what the guys at the station said, you get a restraining order, case closed. Very rarely do these things end with a decapitated head on the top of the Space Needle.

FRASIER

I need a cold drink.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND TAKES A SIP. NOTICING THE POT BOILING ON THE STOVE HE LIFTS THE LID TO TAKE A LOOK INSIDE. SHOCKED HE KNOCKS THE POT OFF THE STOVE SPILLING THE CONTENTS ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE THEN SHOUTS WITH HORROR AND EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER RUNS FROM THE KITCHEN AND HIDES UNDER THE PIANO HUGGING HIS KNEES AND WHIMPERING

MARTIN

What the hell is the matter with you?

ENTER ROZ AND DAPHNE

DAPHNE

What was that bang?

ROZ

Frasier what are you doing under there?

FRASIER

If it's good enough for Niles it's good enough for me.

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN, LOOKS INSIDE AND SEES THE MESS

DAPHNE

What the bloody hell has happened in here.

FRASIER

Deborah put a bunny, boiling in a pot on the stove. That was before I made her angry again.

DAPHNE

Oh you silly sod. I did that.

ROZ

You boiled a bunny?

DAPHNE

It's a ham joint. I've been cooking it all afternoon for dinner. Fat lot of good it is now.

MARTIN

How am I supposed to eat ham with these teeth?

DAPHNE

That's why I was going to do you ham soup. Looks as if you'll both be having that tonight.

MARTIN

Maybe we can still save it.

MARTIN LOOKS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR AND SEES EDDIE EATING THE HAM

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Then again maybe not.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

Ahh don't answer it. It's Deborah.

DAPHNE

Don't be daft.

FRASIER

I mean it no one is to answer that door.

MARTIN

We can't all stay in here forever.

ROZ

It's probably Niles at the door.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Hello. It's Deborah on the phone. That means she's not at the door. So can we open it?

FRASIER

All right open it. Get that phone away from me. I'm not in.

DAPHNE

What do I say to her?

FRASIER

Tell her I've had a sex change and moved to Panama, when really I'll be playing the back end of a pantomime horse in Langkawi.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry he's not in. Bye.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER DEBORAH

DEBORAH

Hello is Frasier home?

AS FRASIER SCREAMS LIKE A TEA KETTLE WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/6
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne)

ROZ LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS FRASIER HIDES IN THE ELEVATOR

ROZ

Look the coast is clear. She's not here, will you please get out of the elevator?

FRASIER

Check around the corner.

ROZ

Oh for Pete's sake. There is no one here except a paranoid wack job and an extremely ticked off, soon to be late for her date producer.

FRASIER

Ring the doorbell and get the door open before I come out.

ROZ RINGS THE DOORBELL AND NILES ANSWERS

NILES

Hi Roz.

FRASIER

Quick get out of my way.

FRASIER RUNS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND INTO HIS APARTMENT KNOCKING ROZ AND NILES OUT OF HIS PATH

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS HIMSELF A SHERRY AS ROZ SHUTS THE DOOR. MARTIN IS AT THE TABLE AS NILES AND DAPHNE PUT ON THEIR COATS

MARTIN

For God's sake Frasier. She's gone. You haven't seen her for nearly a week now.

DAPHNE

Are you really surprised after he called her a bunny boiler and dragged her out of the apartment by her ankles?

ROZ

She's gone now Frasier. She's chosen someone else to shower with gifts. Someone who didn't put up wanted posters of her in his building.

FRASIER

I guess I am being a bit over the top. I haven't heard from her for a while. My life is back to normal.

MARTIN

That's my boy. Now relax.

NILES

Daphne are you ready?

DAPHNE

Yes.

MARTIN

Bye guys.

NILES EXITS

DAPHNE

See you tomorrow with any luck.

MARTIN

Pardon?

DAPHNE

Nothing.

ROZ

Daphne, you need to show more cleavage if you're going to push him in the right direction.

DAPHNE

If I showed anymore I'd get arrested for flashing.

ROZ

Good luck.

DAPHNE EXITS

FRASIER

Well I think I'm off to take a nice long soak in the tub.

MARTIN

OK

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM

ROZ

Hay Marty can I use your phone, let my date know I'm going to be a little late.

MARTIN

A hot date huh?

ROZ

Literally. He's showing me his private sauna at a health club.

FRASIER LETS OUT A LONG LOUD SCREAM FROM HIS ROOM AS WE:

FADE OUT

(J)

TITLE CARD: 'SEX IN SEATTLE'

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/6
(Daphne, Niles, Waitress, Frasier, Martin)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT A TABLE IN A VERY BUSY RESTAURANT

DAPHNE

Niles this place is wonderful. I feel bad for taking you to Pizza Hut last night.

NILES

Not as bad as I felt I'm sure. Daphne what's the matter?

DAPHNE

What do you mean?

NILES

You look ever so tense. Like you have something on your mind.

DAPHNE

Do I?

NILES

Daphne what's wrong?

DAPHNE

Niles we need to talk.

NILES IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO HYPERVENTILATE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Calm down you plonker, I'm not breaking up with you.

NILES

But you said we need to talk, that usually means…

DAPHNE

Well it doesn't mean that tonight. God this is hard for me to say. I've been thinking about this for a long time now. This is so hard. I don't want it to ruin what we have. Right now this is the happiest I have ever been and I don't want to spoil that. Do you know what I mean?

NILES

I have no idea what you're talking about.

DAPHNE

I think it's time.

NILES

Time for what?

NILES TAKES A SIP FROM A GLASS OF WATER

DAPHNE

Niles, I think it's time we had sex.

NILES DOES A SPIT TAKE AND BARELY MISSES DAPHNE WITH THE WATER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I said sex not a shower.

NILES

Now?

DAPHNE

No not now we're in a restaurant.

NILES

Are you sure?

DAPHNE

Of course I'm sure. We'd get arrested if we did it in the middle of here.

NILES

No, I mean sure that you're ready?

DAPHNE

Absolutely.

NILES

(SHOUTS) Cheque please.

ENTER WAITRESS

WAITRESS

But Sir you haven't ordered yet.

NILES

Then it's saved you a job.

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UP AND GO TO LEAVE AS FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS AT THEIR TABLE

FRASIER

Niles, Daphne, thank God I've found you.

NILES

Frasier what are you doing here?

FRASIER

It's Deborah.

DAPHNE

Oh Dr. Crane for goodness sake. You should be flattered that you have such a devoted fan.

FRASIER

She's insane, she's obsessed.

NILES

Well no one's perfect. We were just leaving.

NILES AND DAPHNE ATTEMPT TO LEAVE AGAIN WHEN MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Frasier there you are.

FRASIER

Has she gone?

MARTIN

They took her down the station and Roz is waiting in for the locksmith.

NILES

Good that means you can go home, and we can leave. Bye.

FRASIER

I can't go back there tonight.

DAPHNE

Why not?

FRASIER

She broke into my apartment. She was sitting on my bed, sniffing my underwear.

NILES

So does Eddie. You're not scared of him.

MARTIN

Would anyone notice if I took my teeth out?

NILES

What?

MARTIN

I told you they don't fit properly.

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane leave your teeth where they are, Dr. Crane go home, Niles come with me.

NILES

Yes Ma'am.

NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN GO TO LEAVE

FRASIER

Where are you going?

NILES

To my place.

FRASIER

Good I'll come with you.

DAPHNE

Why would you want to do a crazy thing like that?

FRASIER

I told you. I'm not going home tonight. Niles can I stop at your place tonight?

NILES

Frasier, we were… of course you can Frasier.

DAPHNE PLONKS HERSELF BACK DOWN IN HER SEAT AND PICKS UP HER MENU

DAPHNE

I suppose we can order then.

MARTIN

I thought you two were just leaving.

NILES

We were. We were going elsewhere for desert, but we'll have to do that another night.

AS THEY LOOK OVER THE MENU WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO