I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.

For Elaine, Charlotte and Crofty for their continued and much appreciated support.

Enjoy…


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Nine
Elliott Bay Towers Knocking Shops Ltd.

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'BRIEF ENCOUNTER'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Elaine)

ROZ AND FRASIER SIT DRINKING COFFEE

ROZ

So then he tells me that he has a doctors appointment. Which normally I'd believe but the story that he told me forced me follow him. It had me convinced he was seeing someone else.

FRASIER

So? People do have doctor's appointments. What could he possibly say that possessed you to follow him?

ROZ

He said he has having a heart and lung transplant. That's why I wasn't going to be able to see him for a couple of weeks, not because he was going to Hawaii with a twenty-year-old blond.

FRASIER

Oh I see. Are you honestly surprised that he went off with someone that age?

ROZ

What's that supposed to mean? Was that some sort of crack about my age. Because if we're going to start that, you're the one who's pushing fifty not me.

FRASIER

I'm not saying anything about your age. But Todd was nineteen. Deep down are you surprised that he ran off with someone nearer to his own age?

ROZ

I guess not. But the restraining order he's got out against me is a bit much.

FRASIER

You followed him everywhere for a week, with a pair of binoculars and a camera. There was no other interpretation for him or the judge to arrive at.

ROZ

I could have been bird watching.

FRASIER

You could have been committed, just think yourself lucky. Well I'm off, I'm going to the wine club with Niles tonight. It's going to be nice, just the two of us. I don't get much chance to spend time with him on his own anymore.

ROZ

You have a problem with Niles and Daphne?

FRASIER

Not at all. I just miss our boy's nights out that's all. Going to the Opera, enjoying vertical tastings, attending oboe recitals.

ROZ

You guys certainly know how to let loose and party.

FRASIER

It'll be nice to spend an evening without a woman being attached to any lips.

FRASIER GETS UP TO LEAVE. ELAINE ENTERS, LOOKS BEHIND HER, JUMPS, AND THEN GRABS FRASIER FACE AND KISSES HIM. SHE PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS BEHIND HER AS FRASIER LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. ELAINE THEN KISSES HIM AGAIN AND TURNS THEN BOTH AROUND SO THAT SHE CAN SEE OUT OF THE DOOR OVER HIS SHOULDER. SHE THEN BREAKS AND SMILES AT HIM.

ELAINE

Sorry about that. Bye.

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE

FRASIER

Wait a second. You can't just ram your tongue down my throat and then just take off, this is not France.

ELAINE

I'm sorry. Do you want paying? All I have is a dollar.

FRASIER

No, I don't want paying. I'd like to know who you are.

ELAINE

I'm sorry, Elaine Matthews.

FRASIER

I'm Frasier Crane.

ELAINE

Nice to meet you. You have very clean teeth. Well, bye.

SHE GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN

FRASIER

Wait, wait. Don't I deserve some sort of an explanation?

ELAINE

I guess so. I felt how clean your teeth were when I kissed you. I haven't been looking in your bathroom with a telescope to check out your brushing technique.

FRASIER

I meant why you kissed me.

ELAINE

Oh right. I guess that seemed pretty odd. Although I bet it happens a lot to a good-looking guy like you.

FRASIER

Not as often as you'd expect.

ELAINE

I saw someone that I didn't want to see me. And I saw you and the idea came into my head and that was it.

FRASIER

Who did you see? Your husband?

ELAINE

Hell no, he's well out of the picture.

FRASIER

An old boyfriend then?

ELAINE

Erm yeah OK. I'll go with that, it sounds good. Look I'm really going to have to go.

FRASIER

Would you like to have coffee tomorrow?

ELAINE

Sure. OK.

FRASIER

OK.

ELAINE

Here's my number. Call me.

SHE GIVES HIM HER CARD BEFORE SHE HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN WITH ROZ. UNSEEN BY ROZ AND FRASIER, ELAINE GRABS A HAT AND AN OVERCOAT FROM THE RACK AND PUTS THEM ON AS SHE EXITS

FRASIER

Can you believe that?

ROZ

I can't believe you asked her out.

FRASIER

Why not she seemed a perfectly nice woman.

ROZ

It doesn't bother you that she just walked up to a perfect stranger and made out with them?

FRASIER

Not at all, she choose me.

ROZ

Well I guess we all make rash decisions on the spur of the moment.

AS FRASIER STARES AT THE CARD HE HAS BEEN GIVEN WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Elaine)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER STANDS BEFORE THEM LIKE A TEACHER

FRASIER

Now I want you to be perfectly honest with me about her. Say hi, get a general impression of her and then off you go.

MARTIN

We get it Frasier, we'll clear out, like we've done the last twice you've seen this woman.

FRASIER

This woman? Her name is Elaine. You speak as if I just picked her up randomly off the street.

NILES

When actually she picked you at random. It was a toss up between you and the guy who sits in Nervosa and combs his hamster.

DAPHNE

Have they let Burt out then?

NILES

Last week.

FRASIER

I just really like this woman and it may be a little unconventional the way we met but I really think this could go somewhere. And with the way my love life's been going, this is just the boost I need.

MARTIN

I'll say. I'm beginning to think I'll never get you remarried and out of this house.

FRASIER

May I remind you that this is my place.

MARTIN

You say potato, I say potato.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

There she is. Are you all ready?

ELAINE

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Frasier will you open up the door, I'm kind of naked out here.

MARTIN GIVES FRASIER THE THUMBS UP AS NILES SMILES

MARTIN

I like her already.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) And you can wipe that goofy grin off your face.

ELAINE

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Let me in.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ELAINE ENTERS WEARING A BIG OVERCOAT, A HAT AND SUNGLASSES. SHE TURNS AROUND TO FACE FRASIER

FRASIER

You're not naked.

ELAINE

Neither are you. Although we can change that if you want.

MARTIN COUGHS AS ELAINE TURNS AROUND, SEES THEM AND LOOKS HORRIFIED

FRASIER

Elaine may I introduce you to the household.

ELAINE

Oh look, there are people here. Lucky for me I didn't say anything embarrassing.

SHE TAKES OFF HER HAT AND GLASSES

FRASIER

Elaine this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne.

ELAINE

Hi how are you. Just ignore the whole naked thing. It was just a joke. Although when you use it, you get your pizza delivered a lot quicker.

MARTIN

I'll have to remember that.

DAPHNE

So Elaine what do you do?

ELAINE

I'm in the jewelry trade.

NILES

You sell jewelry?

ELAINE

I'm more on the acquisition side of the business. I acquire the gemstones my partner sells them.

MARTIN POINTS AT THE TELEVISION THAT HAS BEEN PLAYING WITHOUT SOUND

MARTIN

Hay look it's that jewelry robbery on the news again. This one person stole nearly three million dollars worth.

ELAINE RUNS TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION SCREEN

ELAINE

Do we really need the TV on?

FRASIER

I couldn't agree more.

FRASIER SWITCHES IT OFF

ELAINE

So Martin what do you do?

MARTIN

I'm retired. I was a Policeman.

ELAINE SUDDENLY BECOMES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND GRABS FRASIER'S ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE FRONT FOOR

ELAINE

Really? Well that's great. Frasier we really should get going.

FRASIER

But I thought we were going to eat here.

ELAINE

Yes, but the fun goes out of life unless you're spontaneous.

FRASIER

At least come and look at the view first. It's beautiful at night, you've only seen it in the day.

ELAINE

All right but quickly.

SHE RUSHES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THE SOUND OF POLICE CAR SIRENS CAN BE HEARD. STARTLED SHE SLAMS THE DOOR AND TURNS TO FRASIER

ELAINE

Well that was fun. Let's have a change of plan again. Let's just hide out in your room for a while.

FRASIER

You mean hang out?

ELAINE

What did I just say? Hide out? That was a slip of the tongue.

FRASIER

Well if you come to my room you can have another slip of the tongue. We can recreate our first meeting.

ELAINE

OK of course. And we'll hang out, not hide. I have nothing to hide.

FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) I guess it's all on how you look at things. If you'd have said something like that it would have been adorable, but when your brother says it, it's…

MARTIN

Horny and pathetic.

DAPHNE

Years ago Steven went out with a woman who was in the jewelry business. She worked in the factory where they made those plastic rings that you get in Christmas crackers. She bought us a free box around that year. Mind you I only remember that Christmas so well because it was the year that Simon got his foot stuck down the toilet. We had to have Christmas dinner in the bathroom so that he didn't feel left out. To this day whenever I smell Toilet Duck I have a craving for turkey.

NILES

Anyway, she seemed interesting.

MARTIN

If by interesting you mean weird. I agree.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN WAITS TO SPEAK UNTIL SHE IS OUT OF HEARING DISTANCE

MARTIN (CONT'D)

And I wasn't just talking about Elaine.

AS MARTIN TURNS THE TELEVISION BACK ON WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress, Elaine, Roz, Policemen)

FRASIER IS SEATED IN THE CENTRE OF THE CAFÉ WHEN NILES ENTERS

NILES

Hi Frasier.

FRASIER

Hello Niles. Won't you join me?

NILES

Yes, just a second.

HE PUTS HIS HANDS AROUND HIS BACK AND TRIES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS

FRASIER

What are you doing?

NILES

My suspenders came undone. It's a good job I had my jacket on, I could have had an eye out. (TO WAITRESS) Can I have a latte please?

FRASIER

I can't talk for too long, I'm meeting Elaine. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air she is. She has well and truly stolen my heart.

NILES

That's very nice Frasier, but aren't you going to ask?

FRASIER

Ask what?

NILES

Why I'm grinning.

FRASIER

I didn't realise you were.

NILES

If I grinned anymore my face would crack. Aren't you going to ask why?

FRASIER

Oh all right Niles I'll ask. Why are you grinning?

NILES

Tonight's the night Frasier.

FRASIER

For what?

NILES

For Daphne and I to, you know.

FRASIER

No I don't.

NILES

Oh come on you know.

FRASIER

Honestly I don't.

NILES

Do I have to spell it out to you? You know.

FRASIER

Just tell me, it would be a lot simpler.

WAITRESS GIVES NILES HIS COFFEE

WAITRESS

He means they're going to have sex.

NILES

Yes, thankyou very much, now run along.

FRASIER

Suddenly I've been put off my biscotti.

NILES

I've got everything ready over at my place. Champagne, candles, music. I'm even wearing my quick release suspenders.

FRASIER

How wonderful. You can make your trousers fall down at will. A feature that I'm sure Daphne will be charmed by.

ENTER ELAINE ONCE AGAIN COVERED UP BY LOTS OF CLOTHES

ELAINE

Frasier hi.

NILES GOES TO MOVE

NILES

Here take my seat, I'll move.

ELAINE

No it's OK. I feel too much on show here. Let's go and sit in that little dark corner over there by the back exit.

FRASIER

But it has a funny smell over there. Like something died under the floorboards somewhere near the dawn of time.

ELAINE

I think it's sexy.

NILES

Then you're going to love the damp in the walls and the stained seat covers that we live in hope are from coffee spillage's.

ELAINE DRAGS FRASIER OFF TO SIT AT THE BACK AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH NILES

ROZ

Hi Niles. Why are you grinning like a Cheshire cat?

NILES

I don't really think I should discuss it with you. It's of a private nature.

WAITRESS WALKS PASSED

WAITRESS

Why not you discussed it with me.

NILES

No you over heard and commented on it.

WAITRESS

There's a difference?

NILES

And off you go.

ROZ

No wait if he won't tell me, will you?

WAITRESS

He's going to boink with his girlfriend tonight.

ROZ

No way. Tonight? Does Daphne know about this?

NILES

I thought I'd surprise with it tomorrow after breakfast. 'By the way Daphne did you recognise what we did last night?' Of course she knows about it.

ROZ

And you're certain it's tonight?

NILES

Well we haven't signed an agreement, but I'm pretty certain. To tell you the truth I'm a little nervous.

ROZ

Nervous about what? You've done it before.

NILES

I know but it's our first time together and what if I don't…

ROZ

Rise to the occasion? I've got something you can take for that.

NILES

No. Although? (THINKS) No. What if I don't live up to my predecessors?

ROZ

Trust me, I dated Donny. He'd find a ninety-year-old celibate priest stiff competition.

NILES

It's been a while as well.

ROZ

That's a good point. You be careful you don't have her eye out.

NILES

These comments aren't actually easing my nerves at all.

ROZ

Oh come on Niles its not that big a deal. Once you get started you'll remember where everything goes.

NILES

What advice did I expect off a woman whose record is knowing a man ten minutes before sleeping with him.

ROZ

What's your point?

NILES

We've known each other eight years. They spent less time waiting for World War Two to end then I have for this moment.

ROZ

Hay I've got an idea.

ROZ GOES TO SPEAK BUT SEES THE WAITRESS TRYING TO LISTEN AGAIN. SHE THEN LEANS FORWARD AND WHISPERS IN NILES' EAR. HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST.

NILES

Oh my God Roz!

ROZ

You'll say bye-bye to your nerves.

NILES

But it's illegal in twenty states.

ROZ

Not in this one.

NILES

Even so Roz, some things are best left for the imagination.

ROZ

Oh I didn't imagine that. It actually happened.

NILES' FACIAL EXPRESSION ONCE AGAIN TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST AS WE SEE THE BACK OF HIS JACKET JERK AS HIS SUSPENDERS COME UN-DONE AGAIN. AS NILES ATTEMPTS TO FASTEN THEM AGAIN, ENTER TWO POLICEMEN WHO ORDER COFFEE. ELAINE IMMEDIATELY SPOTS THEM AND BEGINS TO PANIC

ELAINE

Oh look at the time we must be running.

FRASIER

Where to? We just got here.

SHE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Why are we still here?

THEY GO TO EXIT AS THE POLICEMEN TURN TO EXIT. ELAINE GRABS FRASIER AND KISSES HIM UNTIL THE POLICE EXIT. THIS ONCE AGAIN LEAVES FRASIER STUNNED AS ELAINE EXITS

ELAINE

On second thoughts I'd better take a rain check. Call you later.

AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HER WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'I HAVE OFTEN WALKED DOWN THIS STREET BEFORE…'

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET CORNER — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Elaine)

FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE STREET WITH A BAG FROM THE WINE SHOP AND SPOTS ELAINE WHO IS STANDING ON THE CORNER, NEXT TO A PARKED CAR, COVERED UP AS USUAL, CONTINUALLY LOOKING AT HER WATCH AND HOLDING A LARGE DUFFEL BAG

FRASIER

Elaine hi.

ELAINE

Oh my God Frasier. What are you doing here?

FRASIER

I just went to the wine shop, they called and told me that they had a particularly rare bottle…

ELAINE

Listen Frasier I'd love to be board by this now, but I'm afraid it will have to be some other time.

FRASIER

What's the hurry?

ELAINE

Frasier I'm working.

FRASIER

What work could you possibly be doing on a street corner? Oh my God, I can't end up on the front of the papers again, they'll pull out that kinky shrink headline again.

ELAINE

Frasier I'm not a prostitute.

FRASIER

Of course not, what do they call them these days?

ELAINE

Lawyers?

FRASIER

No escorts.

ELAINE

Frasier I told you the truth when I said I was in the jewelry trade.

FRASIER

Then what are you doing here?

ELAINE

I told you I'm working.

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry but you don't always see jewelry vendors on street corners, unless of course they are about to take over the hot dog racket.

ELAINE

I don't have time for this now. I'm explain in a minute. Wait in the car, I'll be back and I don't mean that to sound at all Terminatory.

RESET TO:

INT. ELAINE'S CAR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS IN THE CAR AND WAITS. AFTER A MOMENT HE TURNS THE KEY IN THE ENGINE TO PUT THE RADIO ON. THE NEWS IS BEING BROADCAST

BROADCASTER

None of the racoons were hurt in the incident and they are all to be returned to the wild when their fur grows back. The Police have finally released a description of the woman wanted in connection with several jewelry store robberies in the Seattle area. She is described as Caucasian in her early thirties, around 5 feet 6 inches tall, with brown hair and brown eyes and is of average build. Police say that she is armed and should be considered dangerous.

FRASIER BEGINS TO REGISTER THIS INFORMATION AS THE DESCRIPTION MATCHES ELAINE EXACTLY AND SUDDENLY HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AT THE THOUGHT AS HE TURNS THE RADIO OFF

FRASIER

Oh my God. No, no, don't be ridiculous.

SFX: GUN SHOT AS FRASIER CRINGES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Please let that be a car back firing.

ENTER ELAINE WHO GETS IN THE DRIVERS SIDE OF THE CAR AND STARTS THE ENGINE

ELAINE

Frasier hold this.

SHE DROPS A LARGE BAG ON HIS LAP AS SHE STARTS TO DRIVE

SFX: STORE ALARM

ELAINE (CONT'D)

I'm all done now, do you want to go out for a bite to eat?

ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS THEY DRIVE OFF WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'NAKED EXCEPT FOR THE OVEN MITS'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Leo, Martin, Mike, Dan, Daphne, Frasier, Elaine, Roz)

MARTIN, LEO, MIKE AND DAN SIT AROUND THE TABLE PLAYING POKER

LEO

If you look at it logically and they had turned out to be football players, I think Frasier would have been the better player.

MARTIN

You're only saying that because he's bigger.

LEO

That adds to it, but I just think he would have been better. He would have had a football brain.

MIKE

But Niles is small. He could run through the legs of the defence. Frasier could never do that.

DAN

Imagine having your sons playing on the same professional football team.

LEO

Imagine them winning the Superbowl.

DAN

Then they dedicate it to you on National Television.

MIKE

This is for you, Martin Crane, our Dad.

MARTIN

Haven't you guys depressed me enough for one evening?

LEO

The more miserable you get, the more casual you get holding your cards. We'll move onto Baseball next.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Hello fella's. Who's winning?

DAN

Whichever lucky guys going to be going out tonight with you in that dress.

DAPHNE

Do you like it?

DAN

Yes Ma'am.

MARTIN

It's not your colour Dan, deal. Besides you wouldn't get matching shoes in your size.

DAPHNE

Why not? My Uncle does.

LEO

So who are going out with?

DAPHNE

Niles.

LEO, DAN AND MIKE ALL LAUGH

MIKE

No seriously who?

MARTIN

Niles.

LEO

You're dating Niles? Martin's son?

DAPHNE

That's right.

MARTIN

What's the matter with you guys I told you this.

DAN

We thought you were drunk.

MIKE

Why did you think we took your beer off you?

ENTER FRASIER DRAGGING ELAINE THROUGH THE DOOR IN ONE HAND AND HOLDING THE BAG IN THE OTHER

FRASIER

Quick get in here.

ELAINE

Frasier I'm sorry.

MARTIN

Hi guys. I didn't know you were seeing each other again today.

ELAINE

We just ran into each other. (SOTTO TO FRASIER) Your father's here I have to leave.

FRASIER

Why?

ELAINE

He's a Policeman with a stick.

FRASIER

It's a cane, he needs it to move around. He's as harmless as you are. OK bad example.

ELAINE

He can still club me with it. I can't stay here in a room with a Policeman.

FRASIER

I've got news for you, you're in a room with four Policemen.

ELAINE

I've got to get out of here.

FRASIER

Don't you think it's going to look a little suspicious if we just take off?

LEO

She's a looker. I'm feeling less sorry for your boys by the second.

MARTIN

Really?

DAN

We still feel sorry for you though Marty. She's hot. I wouldn't mind interrogating her though.

ELAINE

Interrogate me for what? I haven't done anything. What is it with you cops? If you're not trying to strip-search me one minute, you're trying to pin every murder and robbery on me that's ever happened in the Washington State area.

DAN

I was making a joke. I just thought you were hot.

ELAINE

And once again I was joking. You see I do that. Ask Martin about answering the door naked in front of the pizza deliveryman.

LEO

Marty you answer the door naked?

DAN

And the pizza deliveryman saw you?

MARTIN

No.

LEO

That happened to me once.

DAPHNE

You answered the door naked? That's not a pretty image.

LEO

No, this broad did. I was selling piano's door to door before I became a cop.

DAN

My nephews a pizza deliveryman, please tell me it wasn't him who saw you.

MARTIN

No one saw me.

MIKE

Remind to always call before I come over.

MARTIN

No one saw me because it didn't happen.

FRASIER

As intelligent as this conversation has been, I really need to talk to Elaine alone.

FRASIER TRIES TO LEAD ELAINE TO HIS ROOM

DAPHNE

I love that hat.

ELAINE

Thankyou Daphne.

DAPHNE

You're always very well covered up when out doors aren't you?

FRASIER

You never can be too careful with that pesky old skin cancer.

DAPHNE

But it's night time.

ELAINE

You never can be too careful. Somewhere in the world the sun's up.

FRASIER AGAIN TRIES TO LEAD HER TO HIS ROOM

FRASIER

And off we go.

ELAINE

Frasier don't forget the bag with the cookie's in.

FRASIER

Cookie's? Oh yes the cookie's, I'll just get them.

FRASIER GOES BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE BAG

MARTIN

Can we try one?

ELAINE

I don't think you'd like them Martin.

MARTIN

Why not?

FRASIER

They are a…

ELAINE

Beef and Lamb based cookie company. Each one tastes of different meat.

DAPHNE

How frightening.

MARTIN

How can you say that with some of the things you cook? Can we try one?

FRASIER

Well Dad you see…

ELAINE

Oh course you can.

FRASIER

Elaine what are you doing?

ELAINE

Just giving them a cookie.

SHE TAKES THE BAG OFF FRASIER, HOLDS OPEN THE BAG AND THEN SNEEZES INTO IT

ELAINE (CONT'D)

Oh dear I've sneeze on them, and me with that infectious…

FRASIER

Ebola virus going round. Best lie down in my room.

FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT

MARTIN

I'm still sticking with weird.

DAPHNE

The way she covers herself up it's like Lilith mark two.

MARTIN

Now you know why I keep a gun in the house.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN

It's open.

ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Hi guys, sorry I'm late but I had babysitting problems.

DAN

What sort of problems?

ROZ

She was deported.

LEO

Don't lie to us Roz. You've spent all this time spraying yourself with stud repellent haven't you?

ROZ

I have Leo and it must have worked. There's not a stud in sight and I'm here with you four.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A PLATE OF HOTDOGS THAT SHE PUTS ON THE TABLE

DAPHNE

Hello Roz.

ROZ

Hi Daphne. Wow great dress.

DAPHNE

Thankyou.

EXIT DAPHNE TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

So Roz deal you in.

ROZ

Yeah I just need a second.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS MESSING IN THE FRIDGE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D)

So Daphne, where are you off to?

DAPHNE

I'm going over to Niles' place.

ROZ

Really? And tonight's the night huh?

DAPHNE

How did you know that? He can't keep his mouth shut for a minute can he?

ROZ

Calm down it wasn't Niles who told me it was a waitress at Nervosa.

DAPHNE

What? He told her?

ROZ

No she just overheard when he was telling Frasier.

DAPHNE

I don't believe this. Is there anyone who doesn't know?

ROZ

Marty and his friends don't know.

DAN

(SHOUTS) We do now.

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) You guys have got to learn to talk quieter.

DAPHNE

Wonderful! If I wasn't nervous enough before, now I feel as if we'll have an audience.

ROZ

Wait what have you got to be nervous about?

DAPHNE

There has been so much build up, what if I'm a big let down. I just can't find a way to calm down.

DAPHNE TAKES A BITE FROM A HOTDOG

ROZ

First of all there will be no let down and second of all the way to get rid of nerves is not by stuffing your face. The path to calm seas lies at the bottom of an empty scotch bottle.

ROZ POURS DAPHNE A SHOT OF SCOTCH

ROZ (CONT'D)

Now back away from the hotdog and drink this.

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) Roz are you playing?

ROZ

I'm coming. Now calm down everything will be fine.

ROZ EXITS AS DAPHNE KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK AND POURS ANOTHER SMALL ONE, WHICH SHE ALSO DRINKS IN ONE. THEN SHE FILLS THE GLASS TO THE TOP AND STARTS TO DRINK

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

Is she all right?

ROZ

Yeah, she's just having a stiff one.

MIKE

Really, I didn't know Niles was here yet.

THEY ALL LAUGH

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ELAINE IS ON THE PHONE AS FRASIER PACES THE FLOOR

ELAINE

(ON PHONE) I'll drop the cookies round to you first thing in the morning. OK, see you then. (TO FRASIER) What is the matter with you?

FRASIER

What's the matter with me?

ELAINE

That's right. The Ebola virus? You're supposed to be the intelligent one. Ok we're going have to hide out here for a while until they've gone then you can come back to my place.

FRASIER

Excuse me? Don't you think we need to have a talk first before we do anything?

ELAINE

To be honest Frasier I'm not really into all that dirty talk. I'd rather just do it.

FRASIER

I meant talk about what happened today.

ELAINE

Do we have to?

FRASIER

Yes we do. You lied to me.

ELAINE

When?

FRASIER

You said you were in gem stone acquisition.

ELAINE

I am.

FRASIER

I thought you meant you acquired them at auction, not at gunpoint.

ELAINE

Don't get in a tizzy about it Frasier.

FRASIER

I think I have every right to get into a tizzy about this. After all I am an accessory to this crime.

ELAINE

No you're not.

FRASIER

Yes I am, I was sitting in the getaway car.

ELAINE

Exactly, you were sitting in it that doesn't make you involved.

FRASIER

I don't think the jury will see it that way. I can't go to prison. Do you have any idea how long a pretty boy like me will last in there? I have such delicate features.

ELAINE

(SEDUCTIVELY) I see why you're upset. Was this your first felony?

SHE KISSES HIM

FRASIER

Not at all. I J-walk all the time.

THEY KISS, BEFORE HE PULLS AWAY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What am I doing? I can't have a relationship with you now.

ELAINE

Are you telling me to leave?

FRASIER

I'm telling you to take this lot back.

ELAINE

Are you joking? Do you have any idea what I'll get for this bag of goodies?

FRASIER

Ten to twelve years probably.

A BEAT

ELAINE

Oh that was your point.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Elaine but this relationship has come to an end.

ELAINE

But why Frasier.

FRASIER

I am a respected radio personality, celebrity and most of all a doctor. I can't associate with a fugitive of the law.

ELAINE

It sounds so sexy when you say it like that.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Elaine, but no.

ELAINE

It's a pity.

FRASIER

Yes it is. I thought we had something. I'll miss you.

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE BUT THEN STOPS

ELAINE

Well goodbye. Although have you ever heard the phrase once more for old times sake?

FRASIER

No I haven't.

ELAINE

Shame.

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE

FRASIER

Although now I have.

AS THEY KISS WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Niles, Daphne)

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN A BUCKET AND TWO GLASSES

NILES

Where's my jacket? Upstairs, I'll get it in a minute.

HE TAKES OUT A FIRE LIGHTER AND LIGHTS CANDLES THAT ARE PLACED ABOUT THE ROOM. HE THEN GOES TO THE FIRE AND TRIES TO LIGHT IT. IT WON'T SET ALIGHT, SO HE KEEPS TURNING UP THE GAS AND TRYING AGAIN. HE TURNS THE GAS UP SO MUCH THAT WHEN THE FIRE DOES LIGHT, IT DOES SO WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT IT CAUSES NILES TO JUMP BACK WITH FRIGHT AND SPRAWL ACROSS THE FLOOR.

NILES (CONT'D)

Please let me have two eyebrows.

HE FEELS HIS FACE AND THEN LETS OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF

NILES (CONT'D)

Ah good. Hair slightly singed, but we can't have everything. What's next? Music.

HE WALKS OVER TO THE STEREO AND PUTS IN A CD. HE PRESSES PLAY AND WE HEAR THE HUMMING CHORUS FROM MADAME BUTTERFLY

NILES (CONT'D)

Perfect.

HE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE CHAMPAGNE AND AFTER MUCH STRUGGLING MANAGES TO PULL THE CORK OUT, WHICH GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM. HE PUTS THE BOTTLE BACK IN THE BUCKET AND THEN BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE CORK. HE THEN GOES TO GO UP THE STAIRS TO RETRIEVE HIS JACKET. BEFORE HE CAN REACH THE FIRST STEP HIS SUSPENDERS FLY UNDONE AGAIN AND THE BACK FLINGS OVER HIS HEAD AND THE METAL CLASP HITS HIM IN THE CROTCH. HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES (CONT'D)

(HIS VOICE HIGHER THAN NORMAL) Coming.

HE BATTLES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN SOMEWHAT AWKWARDLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR, HOLDING ON TO THE FAINTING COUCH FOR SUPPORT. WHEN HE REACHES THE DOOR, HE COMPOSES HIMSELF AND OPENS IT. ENTER DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D)

Hello my love.

DAPHNE

Niles! What are you doing here?

NILES

I live here.

DAPHNE

Am I at the Montana then?

NILES

Yes. Are you all right?

DAPHNE

I'm fine.

NILES

Then in you come, don't stand outside all night.

DAPHNE STAGGERS IN AND TRIPS OVER HER OWN FEET. NILES IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO CATCH HER

DAPHNE

Clumsy me. I think I'd better sit down.

DAPHNE PLONKS HERSELF DOWN ON THE FAINTING COUCH WITH A THUD

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That's better. Ooh Champagne.

NILES

Let me pour you a glass.

BEFORE NILES CAN REACH IT DAPHNE PULLS THE BOTTLE OUT OF THE BUCKET AND BEGINS TO DRINK FROM IT AS NILES SITS BESIDE HER

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne have you been drinking?

DAPHNE

Of course you just saw me do it.

NILES

No I meant before you came here.

DAPHNE

Just a little one to help steady the nerves. Which by the way I'm not nervous anymore.

SHE KISSES HIM

NILES

Daphne you're drunk.

DAPHNE

I am not. Do you think I'd drive here if I was drunk?

NILES

You drove here?

DAPHNE

Yes I did.

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN

NILES

Where did you leave your car?

DAPHNE

In the hedge by the park.

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

But enough about the car. That's not the reason I'm here.

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN

NILES

Yeah I know Daphne, but you're drunk, and it wouldn't be right.

DAPHNE

Why not.

NILES

Well for starters it would be nice if both of us could remember it in the morning.

DAPHNE

I'm fine.

NILES

No Daphne you're not. And I am first and foremost a gentleman and I can't take advantage of you like this. Although God I want to.

DAPHNE

Exactly.

THEY KISS

NILES (CONT'D)

Nope I can't. How about I get you some coffee?

DAPHNE

I told you I'm fine. Niles there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

SHE LEANS ACROSS TO KISS HIM AGAIN, BUT BEFORE SHE CAN MAKE CONTACT SHE PASSES OUT. HER HEAD SLIDES DOWN NILES' BODY AND SHE LANDS WITH HER FACE IN HIS LAP

NILES

Daphne! Daphne!

HE POKES HER BUT THERE IS NO MOVEMENT.

NILES (CONT'D)

Perfect!

NILES THEN SIGHS AND GRABS THE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND DRINKS FROM IT AS WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles)

MARTIN IS SITTING EATING BREAKFAST AND READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

FRASIER

Morning Dad.

MARTIN

Hiya Frasier. Where's Elaine?

FRASIER

She left after you'd gone to bed last night. We broke up last night.

MARTIN

I'm sorry to hear that Frasier.

FRASIER

Thanks Dad.

MARTIN

Although I was also sorry to hear that she was a wanted criminal in four states.

FRASIER

You know about that?

MARTIN

I may have retired from the force but my brain didn't retired with it.

FRASIER

How did you work it out?

MARTIN

I can't take all the credit, she's on the front page of the paper.

FRASIER

Oh dear God.

MARTIN

A security camera got a snap of her yesterday in the getaway car. They have no idea who the fat chick waiting in the car for her is though.

FRASIER

Let me see that.

MARTIN

You don't know who it is do you?

FRASIER

More to the point do you know who it is?

MARTIN

Just a really fat, plug ugly chick.

FRASIER

In that case, no I don't. Where's Daphne this morning?

MARTIN

She didn't come home.

FRASIER

My God have you called the Police.

MARTIN

I didn't think I should baring in mind who you had in your room last night.

FRASIER

That doesn't matter, I wonder where she could be.

MARTIN

She went over to Niles'. Has the penny dropped yet?

FRASIER

Oh of course you know, I completely forgot.

THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD

MARTIN

Shush she's home.

ENTER DAPHNE

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Hiya Daphne.

DAPHNE RUNS STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILET AND SLAMS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

Morning.

FRASIER

What's the matter with Daphne?

NILES

She has a bad hangover.

MARTIN

So how did things go last night?

NILES

Wonderful. Daphne apparently was a little nervous before she came over to mine and had a little drink, which led to a big one. She was so drunk by the time she reached my place, she passed out and landed with her head in my lap.

FRASIER

It's progress at least.

NILES

I had to drive her back because I couldn't reverse her car out of the hedge where she'd parked it. I've had to call the Auto club to remove it. Which has resulted in my need to have my car serviced and possibly reupholstered.

DAPHNE

(FROM BATHROOM) Niles!

NILES

I'm coming honey.

DAPHNE

(F.B) Don't open the door I look a right state.

NILES

How am I supposed to help you if I can't open the door?

DAPHNE

(F.B) All right come in, but shut your eyes.

NILES SHUTS HIS EYES AND OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM

NILES

(F.B) What's all over the floor?

DAPHNE

(F.B) Be careful Niles it's slippy.

NILES SHUTS THE DOOR, WHICH IS THEN FOLLOWED BY A LOUD THUD FROM THE BATHROOM

MARTIN

What are you smiling at?

FRASIER

I was just thinking. How much better off I am than Niles.

MARTIN

How do you work that out?

FRASIER

So what if my girlfriend turned out to be a wanted criminal and we've now broken up because of it. At least I had sex last night.

AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO