I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.
For Elaine, Charlotte and Crofty for their continued and much appreciated support.
Enjoy…
Alternative Season Eight Episode Nine
Elliott Bay Towers Knocking Shops Ltd.
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'BRIEF ENCOUNTER'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Elaine)
ROZ AND FRASIER SIT DRINKING COFFEE
ROZ
So then he tells me that he has a doctors appointment. Which normally I'd believe but the story that he told me forced me follow him. It had me convinced he was seeing someone else.
FRASIER
So? People do have doctor's appointments. What could he possibly say that possessed you to follow him?
ROZ
He said he has having a heart and lung transplant. That's why I wasn't going to be able to see him for a couple of weeks, not because he was going to Hawaii with a twenty-year-old blond.
FRASIER
Oh I see. Are you honestly surprised that he went off with someone that age?
ROZ
What's that supposed to mean? Was that some sort of crack about my age. Because if we're going to start that, you're the one who's pushing fifty not me.
FRASIER
I'm not saying anything about your age. But Todd was nineteen. Deep down are you surprised that he ran off with someone nearer to his own age?
ROZ
I guess not. But the restraining order he's got out against me is a bit much.
FRASIER
You followed him everywhere for a week, with a pair of binoculars and a camera. There was no other interpretation for him or the judge to arrive at.
ROZ
I could have been bird watching.
FRASIER
You could have been committed, just think yourself lucky. Well I'm off, I'm going to the wine club with Niles tonight. It's going to be nice, just the two of us. I don't get much chance to spend time with him on his own anymore.
ROZ
You have a problem with Niles and Daphne?
FRASIER
Not at all. I just miss our boy's nights out that's all. Going to the Opera, enjoying vertical tastings, attending oboe recitals.
ROZ
You guys certainly know how to let loose and party.
FRASIER
It'll be nice to spend an evening without a woman being attached to any lips.
FRASIER GETS UP TO LEAVE. ELAINE ENTERS, LOOKS BEHIND HER, JUMPS, AND THEN GRABS FRASIER FACE AND KISSES HIM. SHE PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS BEHIND HER AS FRASIER LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. ELAINE THEN KISSES HIM AGAIN AND TURNS THEN BOTH AROUND SO THAT SHE CAN SEE OUT OF THE DOOR OVER HIS SHOULDER. SHE THEN BREAKS AND SMILES AT HIM.
ELAINE
Sorry about that. Bye.
ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE
FRASIER
Wait a second. You can't just ram your tongue down my throat and then just take off, this is not France.
ELAINE
I'm sorry. Do you want paying? All I have is a dollar.
FRASIER
No, I don't want paying. I'd like to know who you are.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, Elaine Matthews.
FRASIER
I'm Frasier Crane.
ELAINE
Nice to meet you. You have very clean teeth. Well, bye.
SHE GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN
FRASIER
Wait, wait. Don't I deserve some sort of an explanation?
ELAINE
I guess so. I felt how clean your teeth were when I kissed you. I haven't been looking in your bathroom with a telescope to check out your brushing technique.
FRASIER
I meant why you kissed me.
ELAINE
Oh right. I guess that seemed pretty odd. Although I bet it happens a lot to a good-looking guy like you.
FRASIER
Not as often as you'd expect.
ELAINE
I saw someone that I didn't want to see me. And I saw you and the idea came into my head and that was it.
FRASIER
Who did you see? Your husband?
ELAINE
Hell no, he's well out of the picture.
FRASIER
An old boyfriend then?
ELAINE
Erm yeah OK. I'll go with that, it sounds good. Look I'm really going to have to go.
FRASIER
Would you like to have coffee tomorrow?
ELAINE
Sure. OK.
FRASIER
OK.
ELAINE
Here's my number. Call me.
SHE GIVES HIM HER CARD BEFORE SHE HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN WITH ROZ. UNSEEN BY ROZ AND FRASIER, ELAINE GRABS A HAT AND AN OVERCOAT FROM THE RACK AND PUTS THEM ON AS SHE EXITS
FRASIER
Can you believe that?
ROZ
I can't believe you asked her out.
FRASIER
Why not she seemed a perfectly nice woman.
ROZ
It doesn't bother you that she just walked up to a perfect stranger and made out with them?
FRASIER
Not at all, she choose me.
ROZ
Well I guess we all make rash decisions on the spur of the moment.
AS FRASIER STARES AT THE CARD HE HAS BEEN GIVEN WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Elaine)
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER STANDS BEFORE THEM LIKE A TEACHER
FRASIER
Now I want you to be perfectly honest with me about her. Say hi, get a general impression of her and then off you go.
MARTIN
We get it Frasier, we'll clear out, like we've done the last twice you've seen this woman.
FRASIER
This woman? Her name is Elaine. You speak as if I just picked her up randomly off the street.
NILES
When actually she picked you at random. It was a toss up between you and the guy who sits in Nervosa and combs his hamster.
DAPHNE
Have they let Burt out then?
NILES
Last week.
FRASIER
I just really like this woman and it may be a little unconventional the way we met but I really think this could go somewhere. And with the way my love life's been going, this is just the boost I need.
MARTIN
I'll say. I'm beginning to think I'll never get you remarried and out of this house.
FRASIER
May I remind you that this is my place.
MARTIN
You say potato, I say potato.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
There she is. Are you all ready?
ELAINE
(THROUGH THE DOOR) Frasier will you open up the door, I'm kind of naked out here.
MARTIN GIVES FRASIER THE THUMBS UP AS NILES SMILES
MARTIN
I like her already.
DAPHNE
(TO NILES) And you can wipe that goofy grin off your face.
ELAINE
(THROUGH THE DOOR) Let me in.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ELAINE ENTERS WEARING A BIG OVERCOAT, A HAT AND SUNGLASSES. SHE TURNS AROUND TO FACE FRASIER
FRASIER
You're not naked.
ELAINE
Neither are you. Although we can change that if you want.
MARTIN COUGHS AS ELAINE TURNS AROUND, SEES THEM AND LOOKS HORRIFIED
FRASIER
Elaine may I introduce you to the household.
ELAINE
Oh look, there are people here. Lucky for me I didn't say anything embarrassing.
SHE TAKES OFF HER HAT AND GLASSES
FRASIER
Elaine this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne.
ELAINE
Hi how are you. Just ignore the whole naked thing. It was just a joke. Although when you use it, you get your pizza delivered a lot quicker.
MARTIN
I'll have to remember that.
DAPHNE
So Elaine what do you do?
ELAINE
I'm in the jewelry trade.
NILES
You sell jewelry?
ELAINE
I'm more on the acquisition side of the business. I acquire the gemstones my partner sells them.
MARTIN POINTS AT THE TELEVISION THAT HAS BEEN PLAYING WITHOUT SOUND
MARTIN
Hay look it's that jewelry robbery on the news again. This one person stole nearly three million dollars worth.
ELAINE RUNS TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION SCREEN
ELAINE
Do we really need the TV on?
FRASIER
I couldn't agree more.
FRASIER SWITCHES IT OFF
ELAINE
So Martin what do you do?
MARTIN
I'm retired. I was a Policeman.
ELAINE SUDDENLY BECOMES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND GRABS FRASIER'S ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE FRONT FOOR
ELAINE
Really? Well that's great. Frasier we really should get going.
FRASIER
But I thought we were going to eat here.
ELAINE
Yes, but the fun goes out of life unless you're spontaneous.
FRASIER
At least come and look at the view first. It's beautiful at night, you've only seen it in the day.
ELAINE
All right but quickly.
SHE RUSHES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THE SOUND OF POLICE CAR SIRENS CAN BE HEARD. STARTLED SHE SLAMS THE DOOR AND TURNS TO FRASIER
ELAINE
Well that was fun. Let's have a change of plan again. Let's just hide out in your room for a while.
FRASIER
You mean hang out?
ELAINE
What did I just say? Hide out? That was a slip of the tongue.
FRASIER
Well if you come to my room you can have another slip of the tongue. We can recreate our first meeting.
ELAINE
OK of course. And we'll hang out, not hide. I have nothing to hide.
FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM
DAPHNE
(TO NILES) I guess it's all on how you look at things. If you'd have said something like that it would have been adorable, but when your brother says it, it's…
MARTIN
Horny and pathetic.
DAPHNE
Years ago Steven went out with a woman who was in the jewelry business. She worked in the factory where they made those plastic rings that you get in Christmas crackers. She bought us a free box around that year. Mind you I only remember that Christmas so well because it was the year that Simon got his foot stuck down the toilet. We had to have Christmas dinner in the bathroom so that he didn't feel left out. To this day whenever I smell Toilet Duck I have a craving for turkey.
NILES
Anyway, she seemed interesting.
MARTIN
If by interesting you mean weird. I agree.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN WAITS TO SPEAK UNTIL SHE IS OUT OF HEARING DISTANCE
MARTIN (CONT'D)
And I wasn't just talking about Elaine.
AS MARTIN TURNS THE TELEVISION BACK ON WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress, Elaine, Roz, Policemen)
FRASIER IS SEATED IN THE CENTRE OF THE CAFÉ WHEN NILES ENTERS
NILES
Hi Frasier.
FRASIER
Hello Niles. Won't you join me?
NILES
Yes, just a second.
HE PUTS HIS HANDS AROUND HIS BACK AND TRIES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS
FRASIER
What are you doing?
NILES
My suspenders came undone. It's a good job I had my jacket on, I could have had an eye out. (TO WAITRESS) Can I have a latte please?
FRASIER
I can't talk for too long, I'm meeting Elaine. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air she is. She has well and truly stolen my heart.
NILES
That's very nice Frasier, but aren't you going to ask?
FRASIER
Ask what?
NILES
Why I'm grinning.
FRASIER
I didn't realise you were.
NILES
If I grinned anymore my face would crack. Aren't you going to ask why?
FRASIER
Oh all right Niles I'll ask. Why are you grinning?
NILES
Tonight's the night Frasier.
FRASIER
For what?
NILES
For Daphne and I to, you know.
FRASIER
No I don't.
NILES
Oh come on you know.
FRASIER
Honestly I don't.
NILES
Do I have to spell it out to you? You know.
FRASIER
Just tell me, it would be a lot simpler.
WAITRESS GIVES NILES HIS COFFEE
WAITRESS
He means they're going to have sex.
NILES
Yes, thankyou very much, now run along.
FRASIER
Suddenly I've been put off my biscotti.
NILES
I've got everything ready over at my place. Champagne, candles, music. I'm even wearing my quick release suspenders.
FRASIER
How wonderful. You can make your trousers fall down at will. A feature that I'm sure Daphne will be charmed by.
ENTER ELAINE ONCE AGAIN COVERED UP BY LOTS OF CLOTHES
ELAINE
Frasier hi.
NILES GOES TO MOVE
NILES
Here take my seat, I'll move.
ELAINE
No it's OK. I feel too much on show here. Let's go and sit in that little dark corner over there by the back exit.
FRASIER
But it has a funny smell over there. Like something died under the floorboards somewhere near the dawn of time.
ELAINE
I think it's sexy.
NILES
Then you're going to love the damp in the walls and the stained seat covers that we live in hope are from coffee spillage's.
ELAINE DRAGS FRASIER OFF TO SIT AT THE BACK AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH NILES
ROZ
Hi Niles. Why are you grinning like a Cheshire cat?
NILES
I don't really think I should discuss it with you. It's of a private nature.
WAITRESS WALKS PASSED
WAITRESS
Why not you discussed it with me.
NILES
No you over heard and commented on it.
WAITRESS
There's a difference?
NILES
And off you go.
ROZ
No wait if he won't tell me, will you?
WAITRESS
He's going to boink with his girlfriend tonight.
ROZ
No way. Tonight? Does Daphne know about this?
NILES
I thought I'd surprise with it tomorrow after breakfast. 'By the way Daphne did you recognise what we did last night?' Of course she knows about it.
ROZ
And you're certain it's tonight?
NILES
Well we haven't signed an agreement, but I'm pretty certain. To tell you the truth I'm a little nervous.
ROZ
Nervous about what? You've done it before.
NILES
I know but it's our first time together and what if I don't…
ROZ
Rise to the occasion? I've got something you can take for that.
NILES
No. Although? (THINKS) No. What if I don't live up to my predecessors?
ROZ
Trust me, I dated Donny. He'd find a ninety-year-old celibate priest stiff competition.
NILES
It's been a while as well.
ROZ
That's a good point. You be careful you don't have her eye out.
NILES
These comments aren't actually easing my nerves at all.
ROZ
Oh come on Niles its not that big a deal. Once you get started you'll remember where everything goes.
NILES
What advice did I expect off a woman whose record is knowing a man ten minutes before sleeping with him.
ROZ
What's your point?
NILES
We've known each other eight years. They spent less time waiting for World War Two to end then I have for this moment.
ROZ
Hay I've got an idea.
ROZ GOES TO SPEAK BUT SEES THE WAITRESS TRYING TO LISTEN AGAIN. SHE THEN LEANS FORWARD AND WHISPERS IN NILES' EAR. HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST.
NILES
Oh my God Roz!
ROZ
You'll say bye-bye to your nerves.
NILES
But it's illegal in twenty states.
ROZ
Not in this one.
NILES
Even so Roz, some things are best left for the imagination.
ROZ
Oh I didn't imagine that. It actually happened.
NILES' FACIAL EXPRESSION ONCE AGAIN TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST AS WE SEE THE BACK OF HIS JACKET JERK AS HIS SUSPENDERS COME UN-DONE AGAIN. AS NILES ATTEMPTS TO FASTEN THEM AGAIN, ENTER TWO POLICEMEN WHO ORDER COFFEE. ELAINE IMMEDIATELY SPOTS THEM AND BEGINS TO PANIC
ELAINE
Oh look at the time we must be running.
FRASIER
Where to? We just got here.
SHE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Why are we still here?
THEY GO TO EXIT AS THE POLICEMEN TURN TO EXIT. ELAINE GRABS FRASIER AND KISSES HIM UNTIL THE POLICE EXIT. THIS ONCE AGAIN LEAVES FRASIER STUNNED AS ELAINE EXITS
ELAINE
On second thoughts I'd better take a rain check. Call you later.
AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HER WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'I HAVE OFTEN WALKED DOWN THIS STREET BEFORE…'
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET CORNER — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Elaine)
FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE STREET WITH A BAG FROM THE WINE SHOP AND SPOTS ELAINE WHO IS STANDING ON THE CORNER, NEXT TO A PARKED CAR, COVERED UP AS USUAL, CONTINUALLY LOOKING AT HER WATCH AND HOLDING A LARGE DUFFEL BAG
FRASIER
Elaine hi.
ELAINE
Oh my God Frasier. What are you doing here?
FRASIER
I just went to the wine shop, they called and told me that they had a particularly rare bottle…
ELAINE
Listen Frasier I'd love to be board by this now, but I'm afraid it will have to be some other time.
FRASIER
What's the hurry?
ELAINE
Frasier I'm working.
FRASIER
What work could you possibly be doing on a street corner? Oh my God, I can't end up on the front of the papers again, they'll pull out that kinky shrink headline again.
ELAINE
Frasier I'm not a prostitute.
FRASIER
Of course not, what do they call them these days?
ELAINE
Lawyers?
FRASIER
No escorts.
ELAINE
Frasier I told you the truth when I said I was in the jewelry trade.
FRASIER
Then what are you doing here?
ELAINE
I told you I'm working.
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry but you don't always see jewelry vendors on street corners, unless of course they are about to take over the hot dog racket.
ELAINE
I don't have time for this now. I'm explain in a minute. Wait in the car, I'll be back and I don't mean that to sound at all Terminatory.
RESET TO:
INT. ELAINE'S CAR — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER GETS IN THE CAR AND WAITS. AFTER A MOMENT HE TURNS THE KEY IN THE ENGINE TO PUT THE RADIO ON. THE NEWS IS BEING BROADCAST
BROADCASTER
None of the racoons were hurt in the incident and they are all to be returned to the wild when their fur grows back. The Police have finally released a description of the woman wanted in connection with several jewelry store robberies in the Seattle area. She is described as Caucasian in her early thirties, around 5 feet 6 inches tall, with brown hair and brown eyes and is of average build. Police say that she is armed and should be considered dangerous.
FRASIER BEGINS TO REGISTER THIS INFORMATION AS THE DESCRIPTION MATCHES ELAINE EXACTLY AND SUDDENLY HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AT THE THOUGHT AS HE TURNS THE RADIO OFF
FRASIER
Oh my God. No, no, don't be ridiculous.
SFX: GUN SHOT AS FRASIER CRINGES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Please let that be a car back firing.
ENTER ELAINE WHO GETS IN THE DRIVERS SIDE OF THE CAR AND STARTS THE ENGINE
ELAINE
Frasier hold this.
SHE DROPS A LARGE BAG ON HIS LAP AS SHE STARTS TO DRIVE
SFX: STORE ALARM
ELAINE (CONT'D)
I'm all done now, do you want to go out for a bite to eat?
ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS THEY DRIVE OFF WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: 'NAKED EXCEPT FOR THE OVEN MITS'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Leo, Martin, Mike, Dan, Daphne, Frasier, Elaine, Roz)
MARTIN, LEO, MIKE AND DAN SIT AROUND THE TABLE PLAYING POKER
LEO
If you look at it logically and they had turned out to be football players, I think Frasier would have been the better player.
MARTIN
You're only saying that because he's bigger.
LEO
That adds to it, but I just think he would have been better. He would have had a football brain.
MIKE
But Niles is small. He could run through the legs of the defence. Frasier could never do that.
DAN
Imagine having your sons playing on the same professional football team.
LEO
Imagine them winning the Superbowl.
DAN
Then they dedicate it to you on National Television.
MIKE
This is for you, Martin Crane, our Dad.
MARTIN
Haven't you guys depressed me enough for one evening?
LEO
The more miserable you get, the more casual you get holding your cards. We'll move onto Baseball next.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Hello fella's. Who's winning?
DAN
Whichever lucky guys going to be going out tonight with you in that dress.
DAPHNE
Do you like it?
DAN
Yes Ma'am.
MARTIN
It's not your colour Dan, deal. Besides you wouldn't get matching shoes in your size.
DAPHNE
Why not? My Uncle does.
LEO
So who are going out with?
DAPHNE
Niles.
LEO, DAN AND MIKE ALL LAUGH
MIKE
No seriously who?
MARTIN
Niles.
LEO
You're dating Niles? Martin's son?
DAPHNE
That's right.
MARTIN
What's the matter with you guys I told you this.
DAN
We thought you were drunk.
MIKE
Why did you think we took your beer off you?
ENTER FRASIER DRAGGING ELAINE THROUGH THE DOOR IN ONE HAND AND HOLDING THE BAG IN THE OTHER
FRASIER
Quick get in here.
ELAINE
Frasier I'm sorry.
MARTIN
Hi guys. I didn't know you were seeing each other again today.
ELAINE
We just ran into each other. (SOTTO TO FRASIER) Your father's here I have to leave.
FRASIER
Why?
ELAINE
He's a Policeman with a stick.
FRASIER
It's a cane, he needs it to move around. He's as harmless as you are. OK bad example.
ELAINE
He can still club me with it. I can't stay here in a room with a Policeman.
FRASIER
I've got news for you, you're in a room with four Policemen.
ELAINE
I've got to get out of here.
FRASIER
Don't you think it's going to look a little suspicious if we just take off?
LEO
She's a looker. I'm feeling less sorry for your boys by the second.
MARTIN
Really?
DAN
We still feel sorry for you though Marty. She's hot. I wouldn't mind interrogating her though.
ELAINE
Interrogate me for what? I haven't done anything. What is it with you cops? If you're not trying to strip-search me one minute, you're trying to pin every murder and robbery on me that's ever happened in the Washington State area.
DAN
I was making a joke. I just thought you were hot.
ELAINE
And once again I was joking. You see I do that. Ask Martin about answering the door naked in front of the pizza deliveryman.
LEO
Marty you answer the door naked?
DAN
And the pizza deliveryman saw you?
MARTIN
No.
LEO
That happened to me once.
DAPHNE
You answered the door naked? That's not a pretty image.
LEO
No, this broad did. I was selling piano's door to door before I became a cop.
DAN
My nephews a pizza deliveryman, please tell me it wasn't him who saw you.
MARTIN
No one saw me.
MIKE
Remind to always call before I come over.
MARTIN
No one saw me because it didn't happen.
FRASIER
As intelligent as this conversation has been, I really need to talk to Elaine alone.
FRASIER TRIES TO LEAD ELAINE TO HIS ROOM
DAPHNE
I love that hat.
ELAINE
Thankyou Daphne.
DAPHNE
You're always very well covered up when out doors aren't you?
FRASIER
You never can be too careful with that pesky old skin cancer.
DAPHNE
But it's night time.
ELAINE
You never can be too careful. Somewhere in the world the sun's up.
FRASIER AGAIN TRIES TO LEAD HER TO HIS ROOM
FRASIER
And off we go.
ELAINE
Frasier don't forget the bag with the cookie's in.
FRASIER
Cookie's? Oh yes the cookie's, I'll just get them.
FRASIER GOES BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE BAG
MARTIN
Can we try one?
ELAINE
I don't think you'd like them Martin.
MARTIN
Why not?
FRASIER
They are a…
ELAINE
Beef and Lamb based cookie company. Each one tastes of different meat.
DAPHNE
How frightening.
MARTIN
How can you say that with some of the things you cook? Can we try one?
FRASIER
Well Dad you see…
ELAINE
Oh course you can.
FRASIER
Elaine what are you doing?
ELAINE
Just giving them a cookie.
SHE TAKES THE BAG OFF FRASIER, HOLDS OPEN THE BAG AND THEN SNEEZES INTO IT
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oh dear I've sneeze on them, and me with that infectious…
FRASIER
Ebola virus going round. Best lie down in my room.
FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT
MARTIN
I'm still sticking with weird.
DAPHNE
The way she covers herself up it's like Lilith mark two.
MARTIN
Now you know why I keep a gun in the house.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN
It's open.
ENTER ROZ
ROZ
Hi guys, sorry I'm late but I had babysitting problems.
DAN
What sort of problems?
ROZ
She was deported.
LEO
Don't lie to us Roz. You've spent all this time spraying yourself with stud repellent haven't you?
ROZ
I have Leo and it must have worked. There's not a stud in sight and I'm here with you four.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A PLATE OF HOTDOGS THAT SHE PUTS ON THE TABLE
DAPHNE
Hello Roz.
ROZ
Hi Daphne. Wow great dress.
DAPHNE
Thankyou.
EXIT DAPHNE TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
So Roz deal you in.
ROZ
Yeah I just need a second.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE IS MESSING IN THE FRIDGE AS ROZ ENTERS
ROZ (CONT'D)
So Daphne, where are you off to?
DAPHNE
I'm going over to Niles' place.
ROZ
Really? And tonight's the night huh?
DAPHNE
How did you know that? He can't keep his mouth shut for a minute can he?
ROZ
Calm down it wasn't Niles who told me it was a waitress at Nervosa.
DAPHNE
What? He told her?
ROZ
No she just overheard when he was telling Frasier.
DAPHNE
I don't believe this. Is there anyone who doesn't know?
ROZ
Marty and his friends don't know.
DAN
(SHOUTS) We do now.
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) You guys have got to learn to talk quieter.
DAPHNE
Wonderful! If I wasn't nervous enough before, now I feel as if we'll have an audience.
ROZ
Wait what have you got to be nervous about?
DAPHNE
There has been so much build up, what if I'm a big let down. I just can't find a way to calm down.
DAPHNE TAKES A BITE FROM A HOTDOG
ROZ
First of all there will be no let down and second of all the way to get rid of nerves is not by stuffing your face. The path to calm seas lies at the bottom of an empty scotch bottle.
ROZ POURS DAPHNE A SHOT OF SCOTCH
ROZ (CONT'D)
Now back away from the hotdog and drink this.
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) Roz are you playing?
ROZ
I'm coming. Now calm down everything will be fine.
ROZ EXITS AS DAPHNE KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK AND POURS ANOTHER SMALL ONE, WHICH SHE ALSO DRINKS IN ONE. THEN SHE FILLS THE GLASS TO THE TOP AND STARTS TO DRINK
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
Is she all right?
ROZ
Yeah, she's just having a stiff one.
MIKE
Really, I didn't know Niles was here yet.
THEY ALL LAUGH
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ELAINE IS ON THE PHONE AS FRASIER PACES THE FLOOR
ELAINE
(ON PHONE) I'll drop the cookies round to you first thing in the morning. OK, see you then. (TO FRASIER) What is the matter with you?
FRASIER
What's the matter with me?
ELAINE
That's right. The Ebola virus? You're supposed to be the intelligent one. Ok we're going have to hide out here for a while until they've gone then you can come back to my place.
FRASIER
Excuse me? Don't you think we need to have a talk first before we do anything?
ELAINE
To be honest Frasier I'm not really into all that dirty talk. I'd rather just do it.
FRASIER
I meant talk about what happened today.
ELAINE
Do we have to?
FRASIER
Yes we do. You lied to me.
ELAINE
When?
FRASIER
You said you were in gem stone acquisition.
ELAINE
I am.
FRASIER
I thought you meant you acquired them at auction, not at gunpoint.
ELAINE
Don't get in a tizzy about it Frasier.
FRASIER
I think I have every right to get into a tizzy about this. After all I am an accessory to this crime.
ELAINE
No you're not.
FRASIER
Yes I am, I was sitting in the getaway car.
ELAINE
Exactly, you were sitting in it that doesn't make you involved.
FRASIER
I don't think the jury will see it that way. I can't go to prison. Do you have any idea how long a pretty boy like me will last in there? I have such delicate features.
ELAINE
(SEDUCTIVELY) I see why you're upset. Was this your first felony?
SHE KISSES HIM
FRASIER
Not at all. I J-walk all the time.
THEY KISS, BEFORE HE PULLS AWAY
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What am I doing? I can't have a relationship with you now.
ELAINE
Are you telling me to leave?
FRASIER
I'm telling you to take this lot back.
ELAINE
Are you joking? Do you have any idea what I'll get for this bag of goodies?
FRASIER
Ten to twelve years probably.
A BEAT
ELAINE
Oh that was your point.
FRASIER
I'm sorry Elaine but this relationship has come to an end.
ELAINE
But why Frasier.
FRASIER
I am a respected radio personality, celebrity and most of all a doctor. I can't associate with a fugitive of the law.
ELAINE
It sounds so sexy when you say it like that.
FRASIER
I'm sorry Elaine, but no.
ELAINE
It's a pity.
FRASIER
Yes it is. I thought we had something. I'll miss you.
ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE BUT THEN STOPS
ELAINE
Well goodbye. Although have you ever heard the phrase once more for old times sake?
FRASIER
No I haven't.
ELAINE
Shame.
ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE
FRASIER
Although now I have.
AS THEY KISS WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Niles, Daphne)
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN A BUCKET AND TWO GLASSES
NILES
Where's my jacket? Upstairs, I'll get it in a minute.
HE TAKES OUT A FIRE LIGHTER AND LIGHTS CANDLES THAT ARE PLACED ABOUT THE ROOM. HE THEN GOES TO THE FIRE AND TRIES TO LIGHT IT. IT WON'T SET ALIGHT, SO HE KEEPS TURNING UP THE GAS AND TRYING AGAIN. HE TURNS THE GAS UP SO MUCH THAT WHEN THE FIRE DOES LIGHT, IT DOES SO WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT IT CAUSES NILES TO JUMP BACK WITH FRIGHT AND SPRAWL ACROSS THE FLOOR.
NILES (CONT'D)
Please let me have two eyebrows.
HE FEELS HIS FACE AND THEN LETS OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF
NILES (CONT'D)
Ah good. Hair slightly singed, but we can't have everything. What's next? Music.
HE WALKS OVER TO THE STEREO AND PUTS IN A CD. HE PRESSES PLAY AND WE HEAR THE HUMMING CHORUS FROM MADAME BUTTERFLY
NILES (CONT'D)
Perfect.
HE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE CHAMPAGNE AND AFTER MUCH STRUGGLING MANAGES TO PULL THE CORK OUT, WHICH GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM. HE PUTS THE BOTTLE BACK IN THE BUCKET AND THEN BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE CORK. HE THEN GOES TO GO UP THE STAIRS TO RETRIEVE HIS JACKET. BEFORE HE CAN REACH THE FIRST STEP HIS SUSPENDERS FLY UNDONE AGAIN AND THE BACK FLINGS OVER HIS HEAD AND THE METAL CLASP HITS HIM IN THE CROTCH. HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN
SFX: DOORBELL
NILES (CONT'D)
(HIS VOICE HIGHER THAN NORMAL) Coming.
HE BATTLES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN SOMEWHAT AWKWARDLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR, HOLDING ON TO THE FAINTING COUCH FOR SUPPORT. WHEN HE REACHES THE DOOR, HE COMPOSES HIMSELF AND OPENS IT. ENTER DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Hello my love.
DAPHNE
Niles! What are you doing here?
NILES
I live here.
DAPHNE
Am I at the Montana then?
NILES
Yes. Are you all right?
DAPHNE
I'm fine.
NILES
Then in you come, don't stand outside all night.
DAPHNE STAGGERS IN AND TRIPS OVER HER OWN FEET. NILES IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO CATCH HER
DAPHNE
Clumsy me. I think I'd better sit down.
DAPHNE PLONKS HERSELF DOWN ON THE FAINTING COUCH WITH A THUD
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
That's better. Ooh Champagne.
NILES
Let me pour you a glass.
BEFORE NILES CAN REACH IT DAPHNE PULLS THE BOTTLE OUT OF THE BUCKET AND BEGINS TO DRINK FROM IT AS NILES SITS BESIDE HER
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne have you been drinking?
DAPHNE
Of course you just saw me do it.
NILES
No I meant before you came here.
DAPHNE
Just a little one to help steady the nerves. Which by the way I'm not nervous anymore.
SHE KISSES HIM
NILES
Daphne you're drunk.
DAPHNE
I am not. Do you think I'd drive here if I was drunk?
NILES
You drove here?
DAPHNE
Yes I did.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
NILES
Where did you leave your car?
DAPHNE
In the hedge by the park.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
But enough about the car. That's not the reason I'm here.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
NILES
Yeah I know Daphne, but you're drunk, and it wouldn't be right.
DAPHNE
Why not.
NILES
Well for starters it would be nice if both of us could remember it in the morning.
DAPHNE
I'm fine.
NILES
No Daphne you're not. And I am first and foremost a gentleman and I can't take advantage of you like this. Although God I want to.
DAPHNE
Exactly.
THEY KISS
NILES (CONT'D)
Nope I can't. How about I get you some coffee?
DAPHNE
I told you I'm fine. Niles there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
SHE LEANS ACROSS TO KISS HIM AGAIN, BUT BEFORE SHE CAN MAKE CONTACT SHE PASSES OUT. HER HEAD SLIDES DOWN NILES' BODY AND SHE LANDS WITH HER FACE IN HIS LAP
NILES
Daphne! Daphne!
HE POKES HER BUT THERE IS NO MOVEMENT.
NILES (CONT'D)
Perfect!
NILES THEN SIGHS AND GRABS THE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND DRINKS FROM IT AS WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles)
MARTIN IS SITTING EATING BREAKFAST AND READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
FRASIER
Morning Dad.
MARTIN
Hiya Frasier. Where's Elaine?
FRASIER
She left after you'd gone to bed last night. We broke up last night.
MARTIN
I'm sorry to hear that Frasier.
FRASIER
Thanks Dad.
MARTIN
Although I was also sorry to hear that she was a wanted criminal in four states.
FRASIER
You know about that?
MARTIN
I may have retired from the force but my brain didn't retired with it.
FRASIER
How did you work it out?
MARTIN
I can't take all the credit, she's on the front page of the paper.
FRASIER
Oh dear God.
MARTIN
A security camera got a snap of her yesterday in the getaway car. They have no idea who the fat chick waiting in the car for her is though.
FRASIER
Let me see that.
MARTIN
You don't know who it is do you?
FRASIER
More to the point do you know who it is?
MARTIN
Just a really fat, plug ugly chick.
FRASIER
In that case, no I don't. Where's Daphne this morning?
MARTIN
She didn't come home.
FRASIER
My God have you called the Police.
MARTIN
I didn't think I should baring in mind who you had in your room last night.
FRASIER
That doesn't matter, I wonder where she could be.
MARTIN
She went over to Niles'. Has the penny dropped yet?
FRASIER
Oh of course you know, I completely forgot.
THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD
MARTIN
Shush she's home.
ENTER DAPHNE
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Hiya Daphne.
DAPHNE RUNS STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILET AND SLAMS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS
NILES
Morning.
FRASIER
What's the matter with Daphne?
NILES
She has a bad hangover.
MARTIN
So how did things go last night?
NILES
Wonderful. Daphne apparently was a little nervous before she came over to mine and had a little drink, which led to a big one. She was so drunk by the time she reached my place, she passed out and landed with her head in my lap.
FRASIER
It's progress at least.
NILES
I had to drive her back because I couldn't reverse her car out of the hedge where she'd parked it. I've had to call the Auto club to remove it. Which has resulted in my need to have my car serviced and possibly reupholstered.
DAPHNE
(FROM BATHROOM) Niles!
NILES
I'm coming honey.
DAPHNE
(F.B) Don't open the door I look a right state.
NILES
How am I supposed to help you if I can't open the door?
DAPHNE
(F.B) All right come in, but shut your eyes.
NILES SHUTS HIS EYES AND OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
NILES
(F.B) What's all over the floor?
DAPHNE
(F.B) Be careful Niles it's slippy.
NILES SHUTS THE DOOR, WHICH IS THEN FOLLOWED BY A LOUD THUD FROM THE BATHROOM
MARTIN
What are you smiling at?
FRASIER
I was just thinking. How much better off I am than Niles.
MARTIN
How do you work that out?
FRASIER
So what if my girlfriend turned out to be a wanted criminal and we've now broken up because of it. At least I had sex last night.
AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO