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Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Ten
It'll Happen One Night

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Erin)

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES, DAPHNE AND ERIN (FRASIER'S DATE) SIT AT A TABLE IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

MARTIN

Do you think I'll be able to leave with a doggy bag?

FRASIER

Only over my dead body.

MARTIN

That can be arranged.

NILES

And it nearly was, but unfortunately they lost our reservation at The Timbermill.

MARTIN

Lost the reservation my eye. You didn't call them and you know you didn't.

NILES

Honestly Dad I did call them.

DAPHNE

He did Mr. Crane, I was there when he phoned them.

ERIN

Daphne, do you mind if I ask you a question?

DAPHNE

Not at all, as long as it's not what my special ingredient is in my Shepherd's Pie. Because my lips are sealed on that matter.

MARTIN

That's a coincidence, when I see your Shepherd's Pie, my lips are sealed as well.

ERIN

I was just wondering, well you're dating Niles and yet you still don't call Frasier and Martin by their first names.

DAPHNE

Is that odd then?

ERIN

Well for someone who's only known you guys a few weeks it is. Although while we're on that subject I wouldn't mind knowing what that secret ingredient is. It's not real Shepherd's I hope.

FRASIER

I wouldn't put money on it.

MARTIN

If it's not real Shepherd's its dog food.

DAPHNE

You're just a couple of fussy bleeders. Niles loved it when I made it last week.

NILES

I did and the upset stomach that I've just recovered from is a completely unrelated matter.

FRASIER

Before our dinner arrives, I'd like to propose a toast.

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Raise your glasses to the divorce that was a long time coming, to no more Mel and to Niles and Daphne never looking happier. Cheers.

THEY ALL CLINK GLASSES AND DRINK

MARTIN

And may I add Niles, if you ever elope again I'll kill you in your sleep.

DAPHNE

That goes double for me.

NILES

OK, Daphne if I ever decide to elope again, you'll be the first person I inform on the way to the registry office.

DAPHNE

You're so considerate.

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS

MARTIN

I feel kind of like a loose thumb here.

FRASIER

Why?

MARTIN

I'm the only person here without a date.

FRASIER

But tonight is not a double date it's a celebratory dinner.

DAPHNE

But on that topic, we've noticed you two have been spending quite a lot of time together recently.

ERIN

Oh we haven't seen each other that much.

NILES

Are you kidding? I've got a surgeon on standby to separate you.

FRASIER

Well we enjoy each other's company. It's nice to go to the Opera with someone who doesn't blubber all the way through it like a baby.

NILES

I told you I had something in my eye.

ERIN

I cried on Saturday remember? Mind you that was from boredom.

DAPHNE

I know what you mean. I was nearly comatose last week. I was woken up by this old lady flicking the back of my ear.

FRASIER

I know but I enjoy wrapping my arms around and comforting you a lot more than I do Niles.

ERIN

I'm sure you two have lots in common.

NILES

Of course we do, like, like…

DAPHNE

Lot's of things like, like…

NILES

Like, like…

DAPHNE

I love you.

NILES

I love you too.

DAPHNE

And that's just one thing that we have in common. I don't want to bore you with the rest.

AS THE DINNER ARRIVES WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIFE'

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin)

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP. ALL THREE LOOK EXTREMELY TIRED.

FRASIER

I just don't understand what happened.

DAPHNE

Do we have to talk about it? I'm so embarrassed.

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry Daphne but when I'm dragged out of bed to come and fetch you two in the middle of the night I think I'm entitled to an explanation.

NILES

This is such a long story.

FRASIER

I thought you were going to stop at that hotel on the coast for the weekend.

THE ELEVATOR STOPS AND THE DOORS OPEN

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND FRASIER GETS HIS KEY OUT TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR

NILES

We were but when we got to the hotel, they'd lost our reservation, so we had to drive around and find another one.

FRASIER

I don't see how you get from there, to a Police cell.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER THE EMPTY ROOM AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR

DAPHNE

Finding somewhere to stay was harder than we thought and pretty soon the car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere.

FRASIER

That's still not an arrestable offence. What on earth were you doing to get arrested, in your car, on an empty highway in the middle of the night? No wait don't answer that.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE

I'll get it. Hello Mum.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Frasier don't look at me like that, nothing happened. It was going to, but it didn't.

FRASIER

In a car Niles? Couldn't you have waited?

NILES

I've told you before Frasier that I'm getting desperate. I wouldn't stop to think twice about it if we had five minutes alone on the top of the Space Needle. We wouldn't necessarily have to be alone, at this point, tourists with camera's wouldn't bother me.

FRASIER

Well this experience gives a whole new meaning to the term lay-by. You do realise you're turning into Roz?

NILES

It's starting to get ridiculous. Something always happens to stop us, I'm beginning to think we're cursed. Daphne and I are doomed to never have sex.

FRASIER

You've been trying too hard to get everything perfect. One of these days you're just going to have to do it, without any fore thought, just a spontaneous action.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN

NILES

We tried that and I ended up being handcuffed to man who was arrested with a trunk full of dead racoons.

FRASIER

That's not an arrestable offence.

NILES

What he was doing to them was. You know when the Police turned up I didn't think that this weekend could get any worse.

ENTER MARTIN CARRYING THE NEWSPAPER

MARTIN

Hay Niles, why is there a picture of you with your pants around your ankles on the Society page of the paper?

NILES

I was wrong.

DAPHNE

I'm going to have to go Mum, bye. You're joking.

MARTIN

Nope, there he is.

NILES

I don't believe it. I'll never be able to show my face in polite society again.

MARTIN

I don't think showing your face is what they'll worry about.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE

FRASIER

Hello? Erin. I'm fine just a little tired. It's a long story. Oh you saw the paper? Then there's no need to explain. See you in an hour. OK bye.

MARTIN

I'm going to be telling this story for years.

DAPHNE

Thank God I'm not on it.

NILES

That makes it worse. Do you have any idea what people will think I was doing?

MARTIN

Offering the Police a bribe.

AS MARTIN LAUGHS AND NILES HIDES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Waitress, Ellen, Man)

ROZ SITS IN THE CORNER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Hay Roz.

ROZ

Hi Frasier. Here to meet Erin?

FRASIER

That's right.

ROZ

You've been seeing quite a lot of her lately haven't you?

FRASIER

I guess so.

ROZ

You don't seem too thrilled about it.

FRASIER

No, I am really but I wonder how far it will go.

ROZ

What do you mean?

FRASIER

Well we have absolutely nothing in common. If I start to talk about the arts, psychiatry, anything that I'm interested in, her eyes start to glaze over.

ROZ

That doesn't matter, you get on great together, you enjoy spending time together. What more do you want?

FRASIER

An intelligent conversation every now and again.

ROZ

That's what you've got Niles for.

FRASIER

I'm going to spoil this if I keep thinking this way aren't I?

ROZ

Exactly.

NILES ENTERS, EVERY TABLE THAT HE PASSES, TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND STARTS TO SNIGGER

NILES

I'm getting tired of this, everyone is laughing at me.

ROZ

What are they laughing at you about?

NILES

You mean you don't know?

ROZ

No.

NILES

Oh nothing important.

ROZ

Oh come on Niles you can tell me. Although you do have the right to remain silent. And when they say anything you say, maybe taken down, they didn't mean your pants.

NILES

Fine go ahead, ridicule me. It just makes me the bigger person.

ROZ

Oh I don't doubt it from that photo.

FRASIER NOTICES ELLEN SITTING IN THE BACK (NOTE: SHE IS IDENTICAL TO ERIN)

FRASIER

Is that Erin over there? Yes it is. She obviously hasn't seen me. See you both later.

FRASIER MOVES OVER TO ELLEN'S TABLE AS WAITRESS BRINGS NILES A COFFEE

WAITRESS

Here's your latte. And may I just say Sir that we have a strict dress code in here.

NILES

And I'm glad to know that.

WAITRESS

So would you mind keeping your pants on in here, no matter how big the urge is to take them off.

NILES

Yes thankyou.

FRASIER SITS DOWN AT ELLEN'S TABLE

FRASIER

Hi. I didn't see you sitting over here, I went right over and sat with Roz. So what are you up to today?

ELLEN

I'm sorry do I know you?

FRASIER

Excuse me?

ELLEN

Who are you?

FRASIER

It's me. Frasier.

ELLEN

I don't know where you've just been released from or what sort of medication that you're obviously not taking but believe me I've never seen you before in my life. So if you don't mind, could you please harass someone else?

FRASIER

Erin, what is the matter with you today?

ELLEN

Erin? Oh I see. My name is Ellen Curtis, you've obviously gotten me confused with my sister Erin Curtis.

FRASIER

You're Erin's sister?

ELLEN

That's right. Has she mentioned me?

FRASIER

Not at all. You're Erin's sister?

ELLEN

I'm going to keep my answer the same as before and say that's right. I'm her identical twin.

FRASIER

But you look just like her.

ELLEN

Hence the term identical. I see Erin has found herself the dullest bulb in the box once again to associate with.

FRASIER

I'll have you know that I'm actually an extremely successful and respected psychiatrist.

ELLEN

In other words you listen to people whine all day.

FRASIER

I'll have you know I happen to have my own radio call-in show.

ELLEN

Well we all have to start at the bottom. But some of us manage to work our way to the top by the time we're what fifty.

FRASIER

I'll have you know I am not fifty. And I'd love to know what you do that makes you high priestess of Seattle.

ELLEN

I'm the arts critic for the Seattle Times.

FRASIER

Really?

ELLEN

Not that I'd expect you to know anything about that.

FRASIER

I'll have you know…

ELLEN

You'll have me know a lot of things today won't you? What have I done to be so lucky?

FRASIER

Now I understand why Erin didn't mention you.

ELLEN

Oh please she's so ditzy she can barely remember her own name let alone anybody else's. She probably can't remember you. That is if you're worth remembering.

FRASIER

I'll have…

ELLEN

Yes, you'll have me know. Unless of course you'd care to prove me wrong and join me for dinner and the opening of Turandot tonight?

FRASIER

Well I…

ELLEN

While you try to process that information I have things to do. So here's my card with my address. Pick me up at seven.

ELLEN GIVES FRASIER HER CARD AND THEN EXITS

MAN

I was glad to see you didn't have little hearts on your underwear.

NILES STANDS AND ADDRESSES THE WHOLE CAFÉ

NILES

For the love of God. Yes all right everyone I was in the paper this morning being arrested with my trousers around my ankles. I bet none of you even read the society page on a regular basis and yet the moment that I…

ROZ

Have little Niles blowing in the breeze?

NILES

Yes. Wait no! Roz I can do without your help.

AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE MADE FUN OF WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Martin, Frasier, Ellen, Daphne)

MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER ENTERS

MARTIN

Morning Frasier.

FRASIER

Hi Dad.

MARTIN

Did you sleep well? You sure got in late last night.

FRASIER

Actually Dad, I did something last night that I rather think I shouldn't have done.

MARTIN

What did you do?

ELLEN ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM

ELLEN

Good morning.

MARTIN

Oh hi Er…

FRASIER

Ellen. May I introduce you to Ellen Curtis. Ellen this is my father Martin Crane.

ELLEN

Charmed. Frasier is there any chance you can scare me up a cup of coffee? Is it in your capacity to do that?

FRASIER

Certainly.

ELLEN

I'll be in your room. Get a move on with it won't you.

ELLEN EXITS TO FRASIER'S ROOM

MARTIN

I'm confused. Since when has she had a split personality? You know you don't have to bring your work home with you.

FRASIER

Ellen is Erin's sister. They're identical twins.

MARTIN

I kind of figured that out, they do share a striking resemblance to each other. But I was a detective.

FRASIER

All right Dad. I'm already in hell here without you adding heaps of sarcasm to it.

MARTIN

I don't believe you. Erin's a great girl. How could you sleep with her sister?

FRASIER

I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

MARTIN

An accident? What did you trip and fall? And what kind of person is she to sleep with her sister's boyfriend anyway?

FRASIER

She doesn't actually know that I'm dating Erin. Why has this happened?

MARTIN

It beats me. Most men struggle with one woman, let alone two copies of one woman.

FRASIER

Believe me they are two completely different people. Erin is spontaneous and full of life but we have absolutely nothing in common. But Ellen, we have so much in common it's like we were separated at birth but…

MARTIN

But what?

ELLEN ENTERS FULLY DRESSED

ELLEN

I was beginning to think you'd lapsed into a small coma. Do you not know where the coffee machine is?

FRASIER

I was just about to…

ELLEN

Forget it. I'm going home. I'm board, fed-up and you're beginning to get on my nerves.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Morning everyone. Oh hello Eri…

FRASIER

Ellen!

ELLEN

My God what is the matter with you? You don't have to shout my name all the time, only when we're in private. You're beginning to get dependent on me. Maybe you should be in therapy rather than dishing it out. By the way you're taking me out to lunch at twelve.

ELLEN EXITS

DAPHNE

It's someone's time of the month I see.

MARTIN

Either that or it's a full moon.

AS THEY EAT BREAKFAST WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Man, Frasier, Erin, Ellen, Waiter)

FRASIER IS SITTING BY THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS. AS HE WALKS PASSED A MAN AT THE NEXT TABLE LAUGHS AT HIM.

NILES

Will you people stop laughing at me? Haven't you ever done anything embarrassing?

MAN

Yes but never of the front of the paper.

FRASIER

Hello Niles.

NILES SITS

NILES

Frasier. You'll never guess what's just happened. They refused to serve me at the wine shop. They said that they didn't want their reputation tarnished by letting the likes of me in there. This whole thing is a nightmare. So where are your twins? With Hef over at the playboy mansion?

FRASIER

That's very funny. But don't you see what a dilemma I have here?

NILES

Oh course I do. Being forced into sleeping with two beautiful twins. It's a wonder you still have the capacity for rational thought.

FRASIER

What's your point?

NILES

You're turning into the love child of Roz and Bulldog.

ENTER ERIN

FRASIER

Oh my God. She's seen me.

NILES

Which one is it?

FRASIER

I have no idea. They both look exactly the same.

NILES

That's where the identical part comes into play.

FRASIER

I don't know until I hear them speak. They may look alike but they are two completely different people.

ERIN

Hello.

FRASIER

Hello you.

ERIN KISSES HIM AND THEN MOVES TO THE COUNTER AND ORDERS COFFEE

NILES

So who is it?

FRASIER

I'm going to go with Erin.

NILES

Is that just a guess?

FRASIER

An informed guess. I could tell by the way she spoke.

NILES

All she said was hello.

FRASIER

But if it's Ellen it would have been heaped with sarcasm.

NILES

How can you make hello sarcastic?

FRASIER

Lilith always managed it.

NILES

And on that subject Frasier doesn't Ellen remind you in any way of Lilith?

FRASIER

Not at all, no. The very thought of it. Not at all.

ERIN COMES BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND PUTS HER COFFEE DOWN

ERIN

I'm just going to the powder room.

FRASIER

OK Erin.

SHE SMILES AT HIM AND THEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

See I told you it was Erin.

NILES

You'll understand if I refrain from applauding you.

FRASIER

I know I have to choose between them but…

ELLEN ENTERS AS NILES SEES HER AND STARTS TO LAUGH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What are you laughing at?

NILES

Either Erin went out the wrong door and got changed faster than Superman or Ellen just walked in.

FRASIER

Oh my God!

ELLEN

I prefer Goddess. I'm not the owner of a pair of testicles. I'm still debating if you are. I'm getting coffee.

ELLEN MOVES OVER TO THE COUNTER

FRASIER

Niles, you have to help me.

NILES

I would Frasier but I'm not sure I have enough cash on me to get you a sex change and a one way ticket to Guam.

FRASIER

I'll take Ellen somewhere else. You stall Erin and then apologise to her.

NILES

And how do you suggest I stall her?

FRASIER

Nail the restroom door shut, make a pass at her, hell pretend you're in labour, I don't care.

NILES

When's the last time you did anything for me?

FRASIER

Have you forgotten I told you how Daphne felt about you?

NILES

And off I go.

NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

FRASIER

Ellen, let's go somewhere else.

ELLEN

Why?

FRASIER

The guy on foamer duty has pink eye. And I thought you might like to come back to my place.

ELLEN

Oh what the hell. I'll have ten minutes spare by the time we get there before I have to be back at the paper.

FRASIER

Good then.

ELLEN

I'll even have time to do myself three, three minutes eggs.

FRASIER

You are a kidder.

ELLEN

Do I look as if I'm kidding?

FRASIER

No ma'am.

FRASIER AND ELLEN EXIT AS NILES ENTERS BEING DRAGGED OUT BY A WAITER

WAITER

Out, now. Don't make me call the cops.

NILES

I wasn't trying to spy on anyone in the ladies room. I'm not some sort of pervert despite what you may have seen the newspapers recently.

WAITER

Then why were you making all of those panting noises?

NILES

I was pretending I was in labour.

WAITER

Because?

NILES

To stall one of the twins my brothers dating.

ENTER ERIN FROM THE BATHROOM

ERIN

Niles what's going on?

WAITER

He says he was in labour because his brothers dating twins.

ERIN

Twins?

NILES

Ignore him he's delusional. Ooh look Erin, the Space Needle.

AS NILES POINTS OUT OF THE WINDOW WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Erin, Frasier)

MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST THE NEXT DAY AS NILES ENTERS WEARING HIS SQUASH CLOTHES

MARTIN

Morning Niles.

NILES

Hay Dad. Is Frasier up yet, we were supposed to be playing squash?

MARTIN

I don't think so. I heard him come in pretty late last night.

NILES

With which one?

MARTIN

I'm not sure. But it's a good idea to have your squash racket ready just in case it's the moody one.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Good morning. I thought I heard your voice.

THEY KISS

NILES

Good morning my angel.

MARTIN

Hay I'm eating breakfast.

ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM

ERIN

Good morning.

DAPHNE

Morning.

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL STAND UNCOMFORTABLY, UNSURE OF WHO IT IS

ERIN

I'm just going to get some coffee.

ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

NILES

OK.

MARTIN

Which one's that?

NILES

He left Nervosa with Ellen yesterday.

DAPHNE

Are you sure?

NILES

Pretty sure.

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER

Morning

THEY ALL GESTURE TO FRASIER AS ASK WHO IT IS

FRASIER

It's Erin. You didn't drop me in it did you?

NILES

No. But you left with Ellen yesterday.

FRASIER

I know but then I bumped into Erin.

DAPHNE

How can you tell its Erin? It might be Ellen on Prozac.

FRASIER

Trust me I can tell.

MARTIN

Then I wish you'd give me your decoder ring so I could work it out.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Hello? Just a second. It's Ellen.

FRASIER

Oh my God, really?

DAPHNE

If that's Erin, then this is Ellen.

FRASIER

Ellen? Hi. It's Ellen.

NILES

How can you tell?

FRASIER

She wanted to know why it took me so long to get to the phone. Yes I'm here. Why that would be…

ENTER ERIN

ERIN

Frasier, you know what we could do this morning. Oh you're on the phone. I'm sorry carry on.

FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE AND CRINGES AND THEN TURNS HIS BACK TO ERIN AND TALKS A LOT QUIETER

FRASIER

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry can I call you back. Oh I see.

ERIN

You know Martin I love this old chair.

FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE ONCE AGIN

FRASIER

Ssshhh.

ERIN

Why?

FRASIER

(WHISPERING) Just because.

ERIN

Just because what?

FRASIER

(WHISPERING) It's a secret. Why don't you take your coffee into my room, I'll be done in a minute.

ERIN

OK.

EXIT ERIN

DAPHNE

Well that blows that theory. They're not the same person.

FRASIER

Yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen. I'll see you later.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What do you think the chances are of them believing that I thought they were the same person?

MARTIN

About the same as you coming out of this situation with either one of them.

FRASIER

Thanks for the shot of confidence.

MARTIN

Any time.

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'MY HUNK OF BURNING LOVE'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Eddie)

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT AT THE TABLE, MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR AND NILES AND DAPHNE ARE ON THE COUCH. ROZ IS DRESSED UP FOR A DATE.

FRASIER

What is the matter with me? Why can't I choose?

ROZ

It beats the hell out of me. Erin's a wonderful woman. Hell even I'd date her in my quest for a meaningful relationship.

FRASIER

But we have nothing in common at all. How long can it last before we get board of each other? And then there's Ellen.

DAPHNE

Who's mean, bossy, opinionated, and…

ROZ

A gigantic pain in the ass.

NILES

You have to admit Frasier that you're drawn to Ellen because she is in every way just like Lilith.

FRASIER

She is not.

MARTIN

Even I can see it Frasier. It's the psychic ability I've been installed with. Whenever I sense any extract of Lilith an alarm goes off in my head and I have trouble stopping my cane from lashing out and hitting people.

FRASIER

Ellen and Lilith are two completely different people.

DAPHNE

And you call yourself observant. She even wears her hair in a bun.

FRASIER

So?

ROZ

Forget it Daphne. If he wants to stay with that Hitler in heels than it's his business. Will you help me finish curling my hair?

DAPHNE AND ROZ GO TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S BEDROOM

DAPHNE

Of course, we must have you looking good for that date.

ROZ

How hard can it be to chose between two people?

DAPHNE

So who are you seeing tonight?

ROZ

Greg at six and Tim at nine thirty.

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT

NILES

I don't see why you're having such a hard time with this?

MARTIN

Ellen is mean. Stick with Erin. And do it quick before you loose them both.

FRASIER

Ellen is not mean, she's, she's…

NILES

One step away from being a dominatrix. She humiliates you.

FRASIER

But in a good way. I think it's playful.

NILES

Frasier…

FRASIER

Yes I know I need to make a decision. But I'm not going to make it being lectured by you two. I'm going to take a walk.

FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

How is it so hard to make this decision?

NILES

He's attracted to both of them in different ways. Unfortunately I think he's attracted to Ellen because she's like Lilith, which is something that you can't shake out of him.

MARTIN

I'm sure we could if we tried.

NILES

Do you think so?

MARTIN

Well I could. You couldn't with the way you shake. You sprain your wrist shaking up a Martini. I could make this decision, it's easy.

NILES

Oh please. You have trouble deciding what pants your going to wear. That's why they all look the same.

MARTIN

What's the matter with these pants?

NILES

They look as if they were made from potato sacks.

MARTIN

Maybe that's what the designer was going for.

NILES

I don't doubt it, it's probably what he was wearing in his dumpster when he designed them.

MARTIN

I'm tired of this abuse. I'm going down to McGinty's.

MARTIN GETS HIS COAT

NILES

Now Dad I was only joking.

MARTIN

It's all right son.

NILES

Really?

MARTIN

No, I was only joking.

EXIT MARTIN AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. ROZ'S HAIR IS NOW CURLY, BUT LOOKS QUITE LOP-SIDED AS IF DRAGGED THROUGH A BUSH.

ROZ

Where's Frasier?

NILES

He's gone to think things over.

ROZ

What's the betting he comes home with a triplet? So how do I look?

DAPHNE

Gorgeous.

ROZ

Are you sure I don't look like Shirley Temple on crack?

DAPHNE

I told you, no. You look gorgeous. And I'm sure they'll both think the same.

NILES

Hopefully not at the same time.

ROZ

Bye guys.

ROZ EXITS AND NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH

DAPHNE

So do you think he'll decide?

NILES

I think Roz is right. He'll probably come home with a third. You know I hate to jinx things.

HE KISSES HER

NILES (CONT'D)

But have you noticed we're alone?

DAPHNE

I was just about to mention that.

NILES

And you're OK with that? Now that I've been exiled from polite society and banned from the cheese shop.

DAPHNE

Well I was only dating you for your cheese shop connections.

THEY KISS

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MOMENTS LATER

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE. DAPHNE LEADS HIM IN BY HIS TIE AS EDDIE LIES ON HER BED. DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE PUSHING NILES UP IT AS THEY KISS. AFTER A BEAT THEY BREAK AND NILES GASPS

DAPHNE

This time nothing can go wrong.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I've never been alone with a hardened criminal before.

THEY KISS AGAIN AS EDDIE WATCHES THEM. NILES BREAKS AS HE SEES EDDIE STARING AT THEM

NILES

I can't do this with you looking at me.

DAPHNE

Would it help if I left?

NILES

I was talking to Eddie.

DAPHNE

Eddie out!

NILES MOVES TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AS DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND EDDIE EXITS. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND MOVES TO NILES AS THEY KISS AGAIN. DAPHNE PUSHES NILES BACKWARD WITH THE MOMENTUM TOWARDS THE DRESSING TABLE WHERE THE CURLING IRON UNFORTUNATELY HAPPENS TO BE PLACED. THEY BANG INTO THE DRESSING TABLE

NILES

Ouch!

DAPHNE

What?

NILES

I just banged into the dressing table.

THEY KISS AGAIN AS NILES SITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES SHOUTS WITH PAIN FROM OFFSTAGE AS EDDIE HIDES HIS FACE UNDER A CUSHION AND WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

TITLE CARD: 'PLAY HIDE AND GO EEEKKKK…!'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/5
(Martin, Frasier, Erin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie, Ellen, Roz)

MARTIN SITS EATING HIS BREAKFAST WITH EDDIE STARING AT HIM AS FRASIER ENTERS

MARTIN

Morning Frasier. Did you notice anything this morning? Niles' coat is on the peg. You know what that means?

FRASIER

The eagle has landed.

MARTIN

So did you come to some sort of decision last night?

FRASIER

Indeed I did.

ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM

ERIN

Good morning.

MARTIN

(WHISPERING) Which one is it?

FRASIER

Morning (WITH EMPHASIS) Erin.

ERIN

Do you mind if I get myself a cup of coffee?

FRASIER

Here let me do it.

ERIN

It's OK I can do it myself. Can I get you one Martin?

MARTIN

Please. It's in the kitchen.

ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN (CONT'D)

So I'm glad to see you made the right decision.

FRASIER

It's not exactly the decision you think it is. I'm made a decision to stop making decisions.

MARTIN

Oh Frasier!

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN (CONT'D)

It would serve you right if that was Ellen.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

FRASIER

Oh hi you two, we thought that…

DAPHNE

Can you get out of the way Dr. Crane please?

DAPHNE HELPS NILES INTO THE APARTMENT VERY SLOWLY AND THEN HELPS HIM LIE DOWN ON HIS FRONT ON THE COUCH

NILES

Ouch.

ENTER ERIN

FRASIER

My God what happened? Where have you two been?

NILES

The emergency room.

ERIN

The emergency room? Why?

DAPHNE

Oh good morning…

FRASIER

Erin. It's Erin. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names. You were saying.

NILES

We had a little accident.

MARTIN

What sort of accident?

DAPHNE

Niles sat on Roz's curling iron.

MARTIN

So?

NILES

It was on at the time.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ERIN ALL START TO LAUGH AS DAPHNE TRIES REALLY HARD NOT TO WITHOUT MUCH SUCCESS

FRASIER

I'm so sorry Niles.

NILES

And yet you're laughing.

FRASIER

I'm sorry. Is it bad?

NILES

You know surprisingly I can't see from here.

DAPHNE

Believe me it's not a pretty sight.

SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH AND ON TO NILES REAR END

NILES

Ouch! Ouch! Dog, claws, sore burn, not good bed fellows!

DAPHNE

Eddie get down.

EDDIE JUMPS OFF AS NILES BITES THE COUCH CUSHION

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I'll go and get you some water for your painkillers.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Well Niles it's nice to see you making an ass of yourself once again.

ERIN

I'm sorry Niles. Frasier here's your coffee, I'm going to get dressed.

ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ELLEN

FRASIER

Ellen!

ELLEN

And once again you're shouting my name. And why aren't you dressed? I told you we had to leave early.

FRASIER

Well I…

ENTER DAPHNE WITH A GLASS OF WATER

DAPHNE

I love that outfit Eri…

FRASIER

Ellen. It's Ellen, you remember her. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names.

ELLEN

OK. I'm just going to use the powder room.

FRASIER

OK, take all the time you need.

ELLEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

DAPHNE

Eight years ago, I'd have questioned this situation, but I think I've become immune to it now. Here's your water and a straw.

NILES

Thankyou.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry Niles.

NILES

It's not your fault.

FRASIER

Enough about your little problem what do I do?

MARTIN

Just tell them it's a mirror.

FRASIER

Any other suggestions?

ENTER ERIN

ERIN

Frasier I'm going to have to run. Call me later. Let me just use the powder room before I go.

FRASIER

This one's out of order. You'll have to use the one in my room Ellen.

ERIN

Ellen?

FRASIER

I meant Erin.

ERIN

But you just called me Ellen.

FRASIER

That's because you have a striking resemblance to Eleanor Roosevelt.

ERIN

OK. I'm not really sure what to do with that. You know my sister's name is Ellen.

FRASIER

Really? You've never mentioned her before.

ERIN

That's because she's a real bitch. Always stealing my boyfriends.

FRASIER'S TRIES TO LAUGH AS ERIN EXITS AND AS ELLEN TRIES TO OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT CAN'T BECAUSE FRASIER IS HOLDING ON TO THE HANDLE

ELLEN

Frasier, you big idiot. Would you mind moving away from the door so I can get out. I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee.

ELLEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ

ROZ

So did you reach a decision?

FRASIER

Yes I did.

ROZ

And which decision did you make?

ENTER ELLEN

ELLEN

Oh Roz it's you. Do you want some coffee?

ROZ

Please.

ELLEN

Then you can get me one while you're at it.

ROZ

Your decision. It's complete and utter crap.

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ELLEN GOES TO EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM

FRASIER

Ellen, where are you going?

ELLEN

I left my address book in your room the other morning.

FRASIER

It's actually in Daphne's room.

ELLEN

What's it doing in there?

FRASIER

She was using it to try to remember your name.

DAPHNE

You can go and get it if you like.

ELLEN EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS ERIN ENTERS

ERIN

Right I'm off.

ENTER ROZ WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE

ROZ

Here's your coffee.

ERIN

No thanks Roz, I've just had one.

ROZ

(ANNOYED) What?

MARTIN

(SOTTO TO ROZ) That's Erin.

ROZ

Oh my God, it's too early in the morning for this.

FRASIER

OK, bye see you later.

ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND THEN EXITS

ROZ

I'm not sure exactly what your decision was. To go insane maybe.

ENTER ELLEN

ELLEN

It's not in there.

FRASIER

Are you sure?

ELLEN

I didn't look too hard. The smell of burning flesh was beginning to turn my stomach. Well just bring it to the museum with you. I'm going to go, because I like to be punctual. Meet me down there and hurry up.

FRASIER

OK, I'll be ten minutes behind you.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER ERIN.

ERIN

You know Frasier…

FRASIER

Oh my God!

NILES

You know I think these painkillers have kicked in. How many of that woman do you see?

ERIN

What are you doing here?

FRASIER

I live here.

ERIN

Not you, her.

ELLEN

I thought I'd try slumming it.

FRASIER

Hay.

ERIN

Don't you start acting all hurt, I'm the one who's been cheated on. Every single man Ellen, why?

ELLEN

For your information, I didn't know he was dating you.

ERIN

Is this true?

FRASIER

Well it depends on what angle your looking at it from.

ERIN

The truthful angle.

FRASIER

The truth is so over rated.

ERIN

For once Ellen it wasn't you fault. Goodbye Frasier.

FRASIER

Ellen wait.

ERIN

I'm Erin.

ELLEN

But since you mention it I'm also leaving. I don't really care for my sister's leftovers.

ERIN SLAPS FRASIER, THEN ELLEN SLAPS HIM ON THE OTHER CHEEK. ERIN AND ELLEN EXIT

NILES

Oh look at that, instant replay.

MARTIN

It serves you right Frasier.

FRASIER

Don't lecture me dad. I'm the one who's just been dumped.

NILES

Twice.

FRASIER

Yes thankyou Niles. I need a drink.

ROZ

Do you want this coffee?

FRASIER

Unless it's one hundred percent alcohol coffee I'm not interested.

DAPHNE

But it's nine in the morning.

FRASIER

So? Somewhere in the world it's evening.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Well I guess I was wrong about that.

ROZ

Wrong about what?

MARTIN

I thought that world would split in two if they saw each other.

DAPHNE

I'm going to get some breakfast. Do you want anything Niles?

NILES

Just morphine.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

So Niles you're around here pretty early.

NILES

Roz it's not what you think.

ROZ

Oh isn't it, you sly old dog.

SHE PLAYFULLY SLAPS HIS BOTTOM CAUSING HIM TO BITE THE CUSHION AGAIN AND LET OUT A MUFFLED SHOUT

ROZ (CONT'D)

What is the matter with you?

MARTIN

Unfortunately Niles has become the butt of all jokes.

AS DAPHNE RUSHES IN TO HELP NILES WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO