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Alternative Season Eight Episode Ten
It'll Happen One Night
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Erin)
FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES, DAPHNE AND ERIN (FRASIER'S DATE) SIT AT A TABLE IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT.
MARTIN
Do you think I'll be able to leave with a doggy bag?
FRASIER
Only over my dead body.
MARTIN
That can be arranged.
NILES
And it nearly was, but unfortunately they lost our reservation at The Timbermill.
MARTIN
Lost the reservation my eye. You didn't call them and you know you didn't.
NILES
Honestly Dad I did call them.
DAPHNE
He did Mr. Crane, I was there when he phoned them.
ERIN
Daphne, do you mind if I ask you a question?
DAPHNE
Not at all, as long as it's not what my special ingredient is in my Shepherd's Pie. Because my lips are sealed on that matter.
MARTIN
That's a coincidence, when I see your Shepherd's Pie, my lips are sealed as well.
ERIN
I was just wondering, well you're dating Niles and yet you still don't call Frasier and Martin by their first names.
DAPHNE
Is that odd then?
ERIN
Well for someone who's only known you guys a few weeks it is. Although while we're on that subject I wouldn't mind knowing what that secret ingredient is. It's not real Shepherd's I hope.
FRASIER
I wouldn't put money on it.
MARTIN
If it's not real Shepherd's its dog food.
DAPHNE
You're just a couple of fussy bleeders. Niles loved it when I made it last week.
NILES
I did and the upset stomach that I've just recovered from is a completely unrelated matter.
FRASIER
Before our dinner arrives, I'd like to propose a toast.
THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Raise your glasses to the divorce that was a long time coming, to no more Mel and to Niles and Daphne never looking happier. Cheers.
THEY ALL CLINK GLASSES AND DRINK
MARTIN
And may I add Niles, if you ever elope again I'll kill you in your sleep.
DAPHNE
That goes double for me.
NILES
OK, Daphne if I ever decide to elope again, you'll be the first person I inform on the way to the registry office.
DAPHNE
You're so considerate.
NILES AND DAPHNE KISS
MARTIN
I feel kind of like a loose thumb here.
FRASIER
Why?
MARTIN
I'm the only person here without a date.
FRASIER
But tonight is not a double date it's a celebratory dinner.
DAPHNE
But on that topic, we've noticed you two have been spending quite a lot of time together recently.
ERIN
Oh we haven't seen each other that much.
NILES
Are you kidding? I've got a surgeon on standby to separate you.
FRASIER
Well we enjoy each other's company. It's nice to go to the Opera with someone who doesn't blubber all the way through it like a baby.
NILES
I told you I had something in my eye.
ERIN
I cried on Saturday remember? Mind you that was from boredom.
DAPHNE
I know what you mean. I was nearly comatose last week. I was woken up by this old lady flicking the back of my ear.
FRASIER
I know but I enjoy wrapping my arms around and comforting you a lot more than I do Niles.
ERIN
I'm sure you two have lots in common.
NILES
Of course we do, like, like…
DAPHNE
Lot's of things like, like…
NILES
Like, like…
DAPHNE
I love you.
NILES
I love you too.
DAPHNE
And that's just one thing that we have in common. I don't want to bore you with the rest.
AS THE DINNER ARRIVES WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIFE'
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin)
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP. ALL THREE LOOK EXTREMELY TIRED.
FRASIER
I just don't understand what happened.
DAPHNE
Do we have to talk about it? I'm so embarrassed.
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry Daphne but when I'm dragged out of bed to come and fetch you two in the middle of the night I think I'm entitled to an explanation.
NILES
This is such a long story.
FRASIER
I thought you were going to stop at that hotel on the coast for the weekend.
THE ELEVATOR STOPS AND THE DOORS OPEN
RESET TO:
INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
THEY ALL STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND FRASIER GETS HIS KEY OUT TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
We were but when we got to the hotel, they'd lost our reservation, so we had to drive around and find another one.
FRASIER
I don't see how you get from there, to a Police cell.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THEY ALL ENTER THE EMPTY ROOM AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR
DAPHNE
Finding somewhere to stay was harder than we thought and pretty soon the car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere.
FRASIER
That's still not an arrestable offence. What on earth were you doing to get arrested, in your car, on an empty highway in the middle of the night? No wait don't answer that.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
DAPHNE
I'll get it. Hello Mum.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
NILES
Frasier don't look at me like that, nothing happened. It was going to, but it didn't.
FRASIER
In a car Niles? Couldn't you have waited?
NILES
I've told you before Frasier that I'm getting desperate. I wouldn't stop to think twice about it if we had five minutes alone on the top of the Space Needle. We wouldn't necessarily have to be alone, at this point, tourists with camera's wouldn't bother me.
FRASIER
Well this experience gives a whole new meaning to the term lay-by. You do realise you're turning into Roz?
NILES
It's starting to get ridiculous. Something always happens to stop us, I'm beginning to think we're cursed. Daphne and I are doomed to never have sex.
FRASIER
You've been trying too hard to get everything perfect. One of these days you're just going to have to do it, without any fore thought, just a spontaneous action.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN
NILES
We tried that and I ended up being handcuffed to man who was arrested with a trunk full of dead racoons.
FRASIER
That's not an arrestable offence.
NILES
What he was doing to them was. You know when the Police turned up I didn't think that this weekend could get any worse.
ENTER MARTIN CARRYING THE NEWSPAPER
MARTIN
Hay Niles, why is there a picture of you with your pants around your ankles on the Society page of the paper?
NILES
I was wrong.
DAPHNE
I'm going to have to go Mum, bye. You're joking.
MARTIN
Nope, there he is.
NILES
I don't believe it. I'll never be able to show my face in polite society again.
MARTIN
I don't think showing your face is what they'll worry about.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE
FRASIER
Hello? Erin. I'm fine just a little tired. It's a long story. Oh you saw the paper? Then there's no need to explain. See you in an hour. OK bye.
MARTIN
I'm going to be telling this story for years.
DAPHNE
Thank God I'm not on it.
NILES
That makes it worse. Do you have any idea what people will think I was doing?
MARTIN
Offering the Police a bribe.
AS MARTIN LAUGHS AND NILES HIDES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Waitress, Ellen, Man)
ROZ SITS IN THE CORNER AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Hay Roz.
ROZ
Hi Frasier. Here to meet Erin?
FRASIER
That's right.
ROZ
You've been seeing quite a lot of her lately haven't you?
FRASIER
I guess so.
ROZ
You don't seem too thrilled about it.
FRASIER
No, I am really but I wonder how far it will go.
ROZ
What do you mean?
FRASIER
Well we have absolutely nothing in common. If I start to talk about the arts, psychiatry, anything that I'm interested in, her eyes start to glaze over.
ROZ
That doesn't matter, you get on great together, you enjoy spending time together. What more do you want?
FRASIER
An intelligent conversation every now and again.
ROZ
That's what you've got Niles for.
FRASIER
I'm going to spoil this if I keep thinking this way aren't I?
ROZ
Exactly.
NILES ENTERS, EVERY TABLE THAT HE PASSES, TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND STARTS TO SNIGGER
NILES
I'm getting tired of this, everyone is laughing at me.
ROZ
What are they laughing at you about?
NILES
You mean you don't know?
ROZ
No.
NILES
Oh nothing important.
ROZ
Oh come on Niles you can tell me. Although you do have the right to remain silent. And when they say anything you say, maybe taken down, they didn't mean your pants.
NILES
Fine go ahead, ridicule me. It just makes me the bigger person.
ROZ
Oh I don't doubt it from that photo.
FRASIER NOTICES ELLEN SITTING IN THE BACK (NOTE: SHE IS IDENTICAL TO ERIN)
FRASIER
Is that Erin over there? Yes it is. She obviously hasn't seen me. See you both later.
FRASIER MOVES OVER TO ELLEN'S TABLE AS WAITRESS BRINGS NILES A COFFEE
WAITRESS
Here's your latte. And may I just say Sir that we have a strict dress code in here.
NILES
And I'm glad to know that.
WAITRESS
So would you mind keeping your pants on in here, no matter how big the urge is to take them off.
NILES
Yes thankyou.
FRASIER SITS DOWN AT ELLEN'S TABLE
FRASIER
Hi. I didn't see you sitting over here, I went right over and sat with Roz. So what are you up to today?
ELLEN
I'm sorry do I know you?
FRASIER
Excuse me?
ELLEN
Who are you?
FRASIER
It's me. Frasier.
ELLEN
I don't know where you've just been released from or what sort of medication that you're obviously not taking but believe me I've never seen you before in my life. So if you don't mind, could you please harass someone else?
FRASIER
Erin, what is the matter with you today?
ELLEN
Erin? Oh I see. My name is Ellen Curtis, you've obviously gotten me confused with my sister Erin Curtis.
FRASIER
You're Erin's sister?
ELLEN
That's right. Has she mentioned me?
FRASIER
Not at all. You're Erin's sister?
ELLEN
I'm going to keep my answer the same as before and say that's right. I'm her identical twin.
FRASIER
But you look just like her.
ELLEN
Hence the term identical. I see Erin has found herself the dullest bulb in the box once again to associate with.
FRASIER
I'll have you know that I'm actually an extremely successful and respected psychiatrist.
ELLEN
In other words you listen to people whine all day.
FRASIER
I'll have you know I happen to have my own radio call-in show.
ELLEN
Well we all have to start at the bottom. But some of us manage to work our way to the top by the time we're what fifty.
FRASIER
I'll have you know I am not fifty. And I'd love to know what you do that makes you high priestess of Seattle.
ELLEN
I'm the arts critic for the Seattle Times.
FRASIER
Really?
ELLEN
Not that I'd expect you to know anything about that.
FRASIER
I'll have you know…
ELLEN
You'll have me know a lot of things today won't you? What have I done to be so lucky?
FRASIER
Now I understand why Erin didn't mention you.
ELLEN
Oh please she's so ditzy she can barely remember her own name let alone anybody else's. She probably can't remember you. That is if you're worth remembering.
FRASIER
I'll have…
ELLEN
Yes, you'll have me know. Unless of course you'd care to prove me wrong and join me for dinner and the opening of Turandot tonight?
FRASIER
Well I…
ELLEN
While you try to process that information I have things to do. So here's my card with my address. Pick me up at seven.
ELLEN GIVES FRASIER HER CARD AND THEN EXITS
MAN
I was glad to see you didn't have little hearts on your underwear.
NILES STANDS AND ADDRESSES THE WHOLE CAFÉ
NILES
For the love of God. Yes all right everyone I was in the paper this morning being arrested with my trousers around my ankles. I bet none of you even read the society page on a regular basis and yet the moment that I…
ROZ
Have little Niles blowing in the breeze?
NILES
Yes. Wait no! Roz I can do without your help.
AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE MADE FUN OF WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Martin, Frasier, Ellen, Daphne)
MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER ENTERS
MARTIN
Morning Frasier.
FRASIER
Hi Dad.
MARTIN
Did you sleep well? You sure got in late last night.
FRASIER
Actually Dad, I did something last night that I rather think I shouldn't have done.
MARTIN
What did you do?
ELLEN ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM
ELLEN
Good morning.
MARTIN
Oh hi Er…
FRASIER
Ellen. May I introduce you to Ellen Curtis. Ellen this is my father Martin Crane.
ELLEN
Charmed. Frasier is there any chance you can scare me up a cup of coffee? Is it in your capacity to do that?
FRASIER
Certainly.
ELLEN
I'll be in your room. Get a move on with it won't you.
ELLEN EXITS TO FRASIER'S ROOM
MARTIN
I'm confused. Since when has she had a split personality? You know you don't have to bring your work home with you.
FRASIER
Ellen is Erin's sister. They're identical twins.
MARTIN
I kind of figured that out, they do share a striking resemblance to each other. But I was a detective.
FRASIER
All right Dad. I'm already in hell here without you adding heaps of sarcasm to it.
MARTIN
I don't believe you. Erin's a great girl. How could you sleep with her sister?
FRASIER
I didn't mean to. It was an accident.
MARTIN
An accident? What did you trip and fall? And what kind of person is she to sleep with her sister's boyfriend anyway?
FRASIER
She doesn't actually know that I'm dating Erin. Why has this happened?
MARTIN
It beats me. Most men struggle with one woman, let alone two copies of one woman.
FRASIER
Believe me they are two completely different people. Erin is spontaneous and full of life but we have absolutely nothing in common. But Ellen, we have so much in common it's like we were separated at birth but…
MARTIN
But what?
ELLEN ENTERS FULLY DRESSED
ELLEN
I was beginning to think you'd lapsed into a small coma. Do you not know where the coffee machine is?
FRASIER
I was just about to…
ELLEN
Forget it. I'm going home. I'm board, fed-up and you're beginning to get on my nerves.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Morning everyone. Oh hello Eri…
FRASIER
Ellen!
ELLEN
My God what is the matter with you? You don't have to shout my name all the time, only when we're in private. You're beginning to get dependent on me. Maybe you should be in therapy rather than dishing it out. By the way you're taking me out to lunch at twelve.
ELLEN EXITS
DAPHNE
It's someone's time of the month I see.
MARTIN
Either that or it's a full moon.
AS THEY EAT BREAKFAST WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Man, Frasier, Erin, Ellen, Waiter)
FRASIER IS SITTING BY THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS. AS HE WALKS PASSED A MAN AT THE NEXT TABLE LAUGHS AT HIM.
NILES
Will you people stop laughing at me? Haven't you ever done anything embarrassing?
MAN
Yes but never of the front of the paper.
FRASIER
Hello Niles.
NILES SITS
NILES
Frasier. You'll never guess what's just happened. They refused to serve me at the wine shop. They said that they didn't want their reputation tarnished by letting the likes of me in there. This whole thing is a nightmare. So where are your twins? With Hef over at the playboy mansion?
FRASIER
That's very funny. But don't you see what a dilemma I have here?
NILES
Oh course I do. Being forced into sleeping with two beautiful twins. It's a wonder you still have the capacity for rational thought.
FRASIER
What's your point?
NILES
You're turning into the love child of Roz and Bulldog.
ENTER ERIN
FRASIER
Oh my God. She's seen me.
NILES
Which one is it?
FRASIER
I have no idea. They both look exactly the same.
NILES
That's where the identical part comes into play.
FRASIER
I don't know until I hear them speak. They may look alike but they are two completely different people.
ERIN
Hello.
FRASIER
Hello you.
ERIN KISSES HIM AND THEN MOVES TO THE COUNTER AND ORDERS COFFEE
NILES
So who is it?
FRASIER
I'm going to go with Erin.
NILES
Is that just a guess?
FRASIER
An informed guess. I could tell by the way she spoke.
NILES
All she said was hello.
FRASIER
But if it's Ellen it would have been heaped with sarcasm.
NILES
How can you make hello sarcastic?
FRASIER
Lilith always managed it.
NILES
And on that subject Frasier doesn't Ellen remind you in any way of Lilith?
FRASIER
Not at all, no. The very thought of it. Not at all.
ERIN COMES BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND PUTS HER COFFEE DOWN
ERIN
I'm just going to the powder room.
FRASIER
OK Erin.
SHE SMILES AT HIM AND THEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
See I told you it was Erin.
NILES
You'll understand if I refrain from applauding you.
FRASIER
I know I have to choose between them but…
ELLEN ENTERS AS NILES SEES HER AND STARTS TO LAUGH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What are you laughing at?
NILES
Either Erin went out the wrong door and got changed faster than Superman or Ellen just walked in.
FRASIER
Oh my God!
ELLEN
I prefer Goddess. I'm not the owner of a pair of testicles. I'm still debating if you are. I'm getting coffee.
ELLEN MOVES OVER TO THE COUNTER
FRASIER
Niles, you have to help me.
NILES
I would Frasier but I'm not sure I have enough cash on me to get you a sex change and a one way ticket to Guam.
FRASIER
I'll take Ellen somewhere else. You stall Erin and then apologise to her.
NILES
And how do you suggest I stall her?
FRASIER
Nail the restroom door shut, make a pass at her, hell pretend you're in labour, I don't care.
NILES
When's the last time you did anything for me?
FRASIER
Have you forgotten I told you how Daphne felt about you?
NILES
And off I go.
NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM
FRASIER
Ellen, let's go somewhere else.
ELLEN
Why?
FRASIER
The guy on foamer duty has pink eye. And I thought you might like to come back to my place.
ELLEN
Oh what the hell. I'll have ten minutes spare by the time we get there before I have to be back at the paper.
FRASIER
Good then.
ELLEN
I'll even have time to do myself three, three minutes eggs.
FRASIER
You are a kidder.
ELLEN
Do I look as if I'm kidding?
FRASIER
No ma'am.
FRASIER AND ELLEN EXIT AS NILES ENTERS BEING DRAGGED OUT BY A WAITER
WAITER
Out, now. Don't make me call the cops.
NILES
I wasn't trying to spy on anyone in the ladies room. I'm not some sort of pervert despite what you may have seen the newspapers recently.
WAITER
Then why were you making all of those panting noises?
NILES
I was pretending I was in labour.
WAITER
Because?
NILES
To stall one of the twins my brothers dating.
ENTER ERIN FROM THE BATHROOM
ERIN
Niles what's going on?
WAITER
He says he was in labour because his brothers dating twins.
ERIN
Twins?
NILES
Ignore him he's delusional. Ooh look Erin, the Space Needle.
AS NILES POINTS OUT OF THE WINDOW WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Erin, Frasier)
MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST THE NEXT DAY AS NILES ENTERS WEARING HIS SQUASH CLOTHES
MARTIN
Morning Niles.
NILES
Hay Dad. Is Frasier up yet, we were supposed to be playing squash?
MARTIN
I don't think so. I heard him come in pretty late last night.
NILES
With which one?
MARTIN
I'm not sure. But it's a good idea to have your squash racket ready just in case it's the moody one.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Good morning. I thought I heard your voice.
THEY KISS
NILES
Good morning my angel.
MARTIN
Hay I'm eating breakfast.
ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM
ERIN
Good morning.
DAPHNE
Morning.
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL STAND UNCOMFORTABLY, UNSURE OF WHO IT IS
ERIN
I'm just going to get some coffee.
ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
NILES
OK.
MARTIN
Which one's that?
NILES
He left Nervosa with Ellen yesterday.
DAPHNE
Are you sure?
NILES
Pretty sure.
ENTER FRASIER
FRASIER
Morning
THEY ALL GESTURE TO FRASIER AS ASK WHO IT IS
FRASIER
It's Erin. You didn't drop me in it did you?
NILES
No. But you left with Ellen yesterday.
FRASIER
I know but then I bumped into Erin.
DAPHNE
How can you tell its Erin? It might be Ellen on Prozac.
FRASIER
Trust me I can tell.
MARTIN
Then I wish you'd give me your decoder ring so I could work it out.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE
DAPHNE
Hello? Just a second. It's Ellen.
FRASIER
Oh my God, really?
DAPHNE
If that's Erin, then this is Ellen.
FRASIER
Ellen? Hi. It's Ellen.
NILES
How can you tell?
FRASIER
She wanted to know why it took me so long to get to the phone. Yes I'm here. Why that would be…
ENTER ERIN
ERIN
Frasier, you know what we could do this morning. Oh you're on the phone. I'm sorry carry on.
FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE AND CRINGES AND THEN TURNS HIS BACK TO ERIN AND TALKS A LOT QUIETER
FRASIER
(WHISPERING) I'm sorry can I call you back. Oh I see.
ERIN
You know Martin I love this old chair.
FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE ONCE AGIN
FRASIER
Ssshhh.
ERIN
Why?
FRASIER
(WHISPERING) Just because.
ERIN
Just because what?
FRASIER
(WHISPERING) It's a secret. Why don't you take your coffee into my room, I'll be done in a minute.
ERIN
OK.
EXIT ERIN
DAPHNE
Well that blows that theory. They're not the same person.
FRASIER
Yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen. I'll see you later.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What do you think the chances are of them believing that I thought they were the same person?
MARTIN
About the same as you coming out of this situation with either one of them.
FRASIER
Thanks for the shot of confidence.
MARTIN
Any time.
AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: 'MY HUNK OF BURNING LOVE'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Eddie)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT AT THE TABLE, MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR AND NILES AND DAPHNE ARE ON THE COUCH. ROZ IS DRESSED UP FOR A DATE.
FRASIER
What is the matter with me? Why can't I choose?
ROZ
It beats the hell out of me. Erin's a wonderful woman. Hell even I'd date her in my quest for a meaningful relationship.
FRASIER
But we have nothing in common at all. How long can it last before we get board of each other? And then there's Ellen.
DAPHNE
Who's mean, bossy, opinionated, and…
ROZ
A gigantic pain in the ass.
NILES
You have to admit Frasier that you're drawn to Ellen because she is in every way just like Lilith.
FRASIER
She is not.
MARTIN
Even I can see it Frasier. It's the psychic ability I've been installed with. Whenever I sense any extract of Lilith an alarm goes off in my head and I have trouble stopping my cane from lashing out and hitting people.
FRASIER
Ellen and Lilith are two completely different people.
DAPHNE
And you call yourself observant. She even wears her hair in a bun.
FRASIER
So?
ROZ
Forget it Daphne. If he wants to stay with that Hitler in heels than it's his business. Will you help me finish curling my hair?
DAPHNE AND ROZ GO TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S BEDROOM
DAPHNE
Of course, we must have you looking good for that date.
ROZ
How hard can it be to chose between two people?
DAPHNE
So who are you seeing tonight?
ROZ
Greg at six and Tim at nine thirty.
DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT
NILES
I don't see why you're having such a hard time with this?
MARTIN
Ellen is mean. Stick with Erin. And do it quick before you loose them both.
FRASIER
Ellen is not mean, she's, she's…
NILES
One step away from being a dominatrix. She humiliates you.
FRASIER
But in a good way. I think it's playful.
NILES
Frasier…
FRASIER
Yes I know I need to make a decision. But I'm not going to make it being lectured by you two. I'm going to take a walk.
FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
How is it so hard to make this decision?
NILES
He's attracted to both of them in different ways. Unfortunately I think he's attracted to Ellen because she's like Lilith, which is something that you can't shake out of him.
MARTIN
I'm sure we could if we tried.
NILES
Do you think so?
MARTIN
Well I could. You couldn't with the way you shake. You sprain your wrist shaking up a Martini. I could make this decision, it's easy.
NILES
Oh please. You have trouble deciding what pants your going to wear. That's why they all look the same.
MARTIN
What's the matter with these pants?
NILES
They look as if they were made from potato sacks.
MARTIN
Maybe that's what the designer was going for.
NILES
I don't doubt it, it's probably what he was wearing in his dumpster when he designed them.
MARTIN
I'm tired of this abuse. I'm going down to McGinty's.
MARTIN GETS HIS COAT
NILES
Now Dad I was only joking.
MARTIN
It's all right son.
NILES
Really?
MARTIN
No, I was only joking.
EXIT MARTIN AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. ROZ'S HAIR IS NOW CURLY, BUT LOOKS QUITE LOP-SIDED AS IF DRAGGED THROUGH A BUSH.
ROZ
Where's Frasier?
NILES
He's gone to think things over.
ROZ
What's the betting he comes home with a triplet? So how do I look?
DAPHNE
Gorgeous.
ROZ
Are you sure I don't look like Shirley Temple on crack?
DAPHNE
I told you, no. You look gorgeous. And I'm sure they'll both think the same.
NILES
Hopefully not at the same time.
ROZ
Bye guys.
ROZ EXITS AND NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH
DAPHNE
So do you think he'll decide?
NILES
I think Roz is right. He'll probably come home with a third. You know I hate to jinx things.
HE KISSES HER
NILES (CONT'D)
But have you noticed we're alone?
DAPHNE
I was just about to mention that.
NILES
And you're OK with that? Now that I've been exiled from polite society and banned from the cheese shop.
DAPHNE
Well I was only dating you for your cheese shop connections.
THEY KISS
RESET TO:
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MOMENTS LATER
ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE. DAPHNE LEADS HIM IN BY HIS TIE AS EDDIE LIES ON HER BED. DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE PUSHING NILES UP IT AS THEY KISS. AFTER A BEAT THEY BREAK AND NILES GASPS
DAPHNE
This time nothing can go wrong.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I've never been alone with a hardened criminal before.
THEY KISS AGAIN AS EDDIE WATCHES THEM. NILES BREAKS AS HE SEES EDDIE STARING AT THEM
NILES
I can't do this with you looking at me.
DAPHNE
Would it help if I left?
NILES
I was talking to Eddie.
DAPHNE
Eddie out!
NILES MOVES TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AS DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND EDDIE EXITS. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND MOVES TO NILES AS THEY KISS AGAIN. DAPHNE PUSHES NILES BACKWARD WITH THE MOMENTUM TOWARDS THE DRESSING TABLE WHERE THE CURLING IRON UNFORTUNATELY HAPPENS TO BE PLACED. THEY BANG INTO THE DRESSING TABLE
NILES
Ouch!
DAPHNE
What?
NILES
I just banged into the dressing table.
THEY KISS AGAIN AS NILES SITS
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES SHOUTS WITH PAIN FROM OFFSTAGE AS EDDIE HIDES HIS FACE UNDER A CUSHION AND WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
TITLE CARD: 'PLAY HIDE AND GO EEEKKKK…!'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/5
(Martin, Frasier, Erin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie, Ellen, Roz)
MARTIN SITS EATING HIS BREAKFAST WITH EDDIE STARING AT HIM AS FRASIER ENTERS
MARTIN
Morning Frasier. Did you notice anything this morning? Niles' coat is on the peg. You know what that means?
FRASIER
The eagle has landed.
MARTIN
So did you come to some sort of decision last night?
FRASIER
Indeed I did.
ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM
ERIN
Good morning.
MARTIN
(WHISPERING) Which one is it?
FRASIER
Morning (WITH EMPHASIS) Erin.
ERIN
Do you mind if I get myself a cup of coffee?
FRASIER
Here let me do it.
ERIN
It's OK I can do it myself. Can I get you one Martin?
MARTIN
Please. It's in the kitchen.
ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN (CONT'D)
So I'm glad to see you made the right decision.
FRASIER
It's not exactly the decision you think it is. I'm made a decision to stop making decisions.
MARTIN
Oh Frasier!
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN (CONT'D)
It would serve you right if that was Ellen.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER
FRASIER
Oh hi you two, we thought that…
DAPHNE
Can you get out of the way Dr. Crane please?
DAPHNE HELPS NILES INTO THE APARTMENT VERY SLOWLY AND THEN HELPS HIM LIE DOWN ON HIS FRONT ON THE COUCH
NILES
Ouch.
ENTER ERIN
FRASIER
My God what happened? Where have you two been?
NILES
The emergency room.
ERIN
The emergency room? Why?
DAPHNE
Oh good morning…
FRASIER
Erin. It's Erin. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names. You were saying.
NILES
We had a little accident.
MARTIN
What sort of accident?
DAPHNE
Niles sat on Roz's curling iron.
MARTIN
So?
NILES
It was on at the time.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ERIN ALL START TO LAUGH AS DAPHNE TRIES REALLY HARD NOT TO WITHOUT MUCH SUCCESS
FRASIER
I'm so sorry Niles.
NILES
And yet you're laughing.
FRASIER
I'm sorry. Is it bad?
NILES
You know surprisingly I can't see from here.
DAPHNE
Believe me it's not a pretty sight.
SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH AND ON TO NILES REAR END
NILES
Ouch! Ouch! Dog, claws, sore burn, not good bed fellows!
DAPHNE
Eddie get down.
EDDIE JUMPS OFF AS NILES BITES THE COUCH CUSHION
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I'll go and get you some water for your painkillers.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
Well Niles it's nice to see you making an ass of yourself once again.
ERIN
I'm sorry Niles. Frasier here's your coffee, I'm going to get dressed.
ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ELLEN
FRASIER
Ellen!
ELLEN
And once again you're shouting my name. And why aren't you dressed? I told you we had to leave early.
FRASIER
Well I…
ENTER DAPHNE WITH A GLASS OF WATER
DAPHNE
I love that outfit Eri…
FRASIER
Ellen. It's Ellen, you remember her. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names.
ELLEN
OK. I'm just going to use the powder room.
FRASIER
OK, take all the time you need.
ELLEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE
Eight years ago, I'd have questioned this situation, but I think I've become immune to it now. Here's your water and a straw.
NILES
Thankyou.
DAPHNE
I'm so sorry Niles.
NILES
It's not your fault.
FRASIER
Enough about your little problem what do I do?
MARTIN
Just tell them it's a mirror.
FRASIER
Any other suggestions?
ENTER ERIN
ERIN
Frasier I'm going to have to run. Call me later. Let me just use the powder room before I go.
FRASIER
This one's out of order. You'll have to use the one in my room Ellen.
ERIN
Ellen?
FRASIER
I meant Erin.
ERIN
But you just called me Ellen.
FRASIER
That's because you have a striking resemblance to Eleanor Roosevelt.
ERIN
OK. I'm not really sure what to do with that. You know my sister's name is Ellen.
FRASIER
Really? You've never mentioned her before.
ERIN
That's because she's a real bitch. Always stealing my boyfriends.
FRASIER'S TRIES TO LAUGH AS ERIN EXITS AND AS ELLEN TRIES TO OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT CAN'T BECAUSE FRASIER IS HOLDING ON TO THE HANDLE
ELLEN
Frasier, you big idiot. Would you mind moving away from the door so I can get out. I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee.
ELLEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ
ROZ
So did you reach a decision?
FRASIER
Yes I did.
ROZ
And which decision did you make?
ENTER ELLEN
ELLEN
Oh Roz it's you. Do you want some coffee?
ROZ
Please.
ELLEN
Then you can get me one while you're at it.
ROZ
Your decision. It's complete and utter crap.
ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ELLEN GOES TO EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM
FRASIER
Ellen, where are you going?
ELLEN
I left my address book in your room the other morning.
FRASIER
It's actually in Daphne's room.
ELLEN
What's it doing in there?
FRASIER
She was using it to try to remember your name.
DAPHNE
You can go and get it if you like.
ELLEN EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS ERIN ENTERS
ERIN
Right I'm off.
ENTER ROZ WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE
ROZ
Here's your coffee.
ERIN
No thanks Roz, I've just had one.
ROZ
(ANNOYED) What?
MARTIN
(SOTTO TO ROZ) That's Erin.
ROZ
Oh my God, it's too early in the morning for this.
FRASIER
OK, bye see you later.
ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND THEN EXITS
ROZ
I'm not sure exactly what your decision was. To go insane maybe.
ENTER ELLEN
ELLEN
It's not in there.
FRASIER
Are you sure?
ELLEN
I didn't look too hard. The smell of burning flesh was beginning to turn my stomach. Well just bring it to the museum with you. I'm going to go, because I like to be punctual. Meet me down there and hurry up.
FRASIER
OK, I'll be ten minutes behind you.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER ERIN.
ERIN
You know Frasier…
FRASIER
Oh my God!
NILES
You know I think these painkillers have kicked in. How many of that woman do you see?
ERIN
What are you doing here?
FRASIER
I live here.
ERIN
Not you, her.
ELLEN
I thought I'd try slumming it.
FRASIER
Hay.
ERIN
Don't you start acting all hurt, I'm the one who's been cheated on. Every single man Ellen, why?
ELLEN
For your information, I didn't know he was dating you.
ERIN
Is this true?
FRASIER
Well it depends on what angle your looking at it from.
ERIN
The truthful angle.
FRASIER
The truth is so over rated.
ERIN
For once Ellen it wasn't you fault. Goodbye Frasier.
FRASIER
Ellen wait.
ERIN
I'm Erin.
ELLEN
But since you mention it I'm also leaving. I don't really care for my sister's leftovers.
ERIN SLAPS FRASIER, THEN ELLEN SLAPS HIM ON THE OTHER CHEEK. ERIN AND ELLEN EXIT
NILES
Oh look at that, instant replay.
MARTIN
It serves you right Frasier.
FRASIER
Don't lecture me dad. I'm the one who's just been dumped.
NILES
Twice.
FRASIER
Yes thankyou Niles. I need a drink.
ROZ
Do you want this coffee?
FRASIER
Unless it's one hundred percent alcohol coffee I'm not interested.
DAPHNE
But it's nine in the morning.
FRASIER
So? Somewhere in the world it's evening.
FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
Well I guess I was wrong about that.
ROZ
Wrong about what?
MARTIN
I thought that world would split in two if they saw each other.
DAPHNE
I'm going to get some breakfast. Do you want anything Niles?
NILES
Just morphine.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
ROZ
So Niles you're around here pretty early.
NILES
Roz it's not what you think.
ROZ
Oh isn't it, you sly old dog.
SHE PLAYFULLY SLAPS HIS BOTTOM CAUSING HIM TO BITE THE CUSHION AGAIN AND LET OUT A MUFFLED SHOUT
ROZ (CONT'D)
What is the matter with you?
MARTIN
Unfortunately Niles has become the butt of all jokes.
AS DAPHNE RUSHES IN TO HELP NILES WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO