After leaving the book I wrote this episode in on a plane in Chicago, I have desperately tried to rewrite it.

I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Studios.

Feedback is always much appreciated.

Enjoy…


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eleven
A Fool Such As I

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Ed (V.O.))

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE BOOTH NEARING THE END OF THE SHOW

FRASIER

I think we have time for one more call. Roz who do we have on the line?

ROZ

We have Ed from Kirkland who has a fear of abandonment.

FRASIER

Hello Ed, I'm listening.

WE HEAR THE LINE BEING CUT OFF AND A DISCONNECTED TONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I see. Roz is there any chance that we can get him back? Before he's traumatised to the brink of climbing a clock tower and taking out the town.

ROZ

Just a second.

FRASIER

While we have a moment may I take this opportunity to inform you once again that having a multiple personality disorder does not entitle you can claim multiple unemployment benefits under each name. Unfortunately Ted found that out the hard way and as we wish Ted our best we also remind him not to drop the soap in the shower.

ROZ

Dr. Crane we have Ed back on line one.

FRASIER

Hello Ed, I'm listening.

ED

Hello Dr. Crane. This all started when I was young and my father walked out on us to become a circus performer. My mother soon after left me when I was eleven, we never knew where she went, I never bought the excuse it took twenty years to buy a carton of milk. So I was placed in my grandmother's care. That didn't last long because having a child clashed with her social life, especially when I accidentally announced in church that the Reverend had attended one of her many key parties. I was then moved around various foster homes as my love for all things Euro trash conflicted with what's considered a normal suburban family lifestyle. I've never really had a proper girlfriend since I caught my high school sweetheart in the basement making out with one of my foster mothers, as I was always frightened of being left again. I've never had many friends, my dog even ran away last week. I don't know where he is. I find myself obsessively checking the road kill closely. It's all resulted in my fear of abandonment.

FRASIER

Well Ed…

ROZ

I'm sorry Dr. Crane but we're all out of time.

FRASIER

I'm sorry Ed, but we have to cut this short. Call in again on Monday and I promise you'll be our first caller.

ED

That's what they all say.

ED HANGS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER

Well this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off for the day wishing you all a good day and good mental health.

AS FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

So Roz what are you up to this weekend?

ROZ

I'm going to have a weekend of uninterrupted peace, quiet and indulgence. Alice is going to stop with Rick and his parents for the week.

FRASIER

Oh yes I forgot. They must be really excited to have her all to themselves.

ROZ

Not as excited as I am. Don't get me wrong, I would give my life for my daughter, but it's just nice that she's going to be trashing someone else's apartment this week and mommy gets the place all to herself.

AS FRASIER GOES TO EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'THEY FORGOT TO PULL THE PLUG OUT'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz)

FRASIER AND MARTIN STAND LOOKING AT A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX ON THE TABLE

FRASIER

So what is it?

MARTIN

I have no idea. I haven't ordered anything.

FRASIER

It must be a gift off someone then.

MARTIN

That would be the obvious conclusion.

FRASIER

Well open it up then.

MARTIN CUTS THE TOP OF THE BOX AND STARES INTO IT

MARTIN

Oh my God. It's fantastic.

FRASIER

What is it? Let me see.

MARTIN PULLS A STUFFED BEAVER OUT OF THE BOX WEARING A COLOURFUL GOLFING OUTFIT AND CARRYING A BAG OF CLUBS. FRASIER OF COURSE IS HORRIFIED AS MARTIN STANDS IN AWE OF IT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh my God. That's hideous.

MARTIN

What are you talking about it's great.

FRASIER

Who would send you such a thing?

MARTIN

I don't know, there's no note in the box.

FRASIER

I don't think anyone would want to own up to having purchased that monstrosity, I know I certainly wouldn't.

MARTIN

I need to find the perfect place for it.

FRASIER

The pet cemetery?

MARTIN

It needs to go somewhere where it will catch the light.

FRASIER

In the fireplace maybe?

DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAMS IT BEHIND HER AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM CHUNTERING TO HERSELF AS SHE GOES

MARTIN

Hay Daphne what do you think of my beaver?

DAPHNE

Stuff it old man.

MARTIN

But it's already stuffed. That's why people send dead things through the mail to a taxidermist, otherwise it would just be some sort of sick hate mail.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

NILES

Has she gone to her room?

FRASIER

Yes, what on earth has happened?

NILES

She's just a little mad at me. Just a lovers tiff.

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

MARTIN

So where do you think I should put this?

FRASIER

That doesn't concern you? Seeing her that upset.

MARTIN

Hell no, people fight all the time, it's life. Very rarely do these things end up with a hacked up body in a dumpster.

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne.

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) Sod off!

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) Honey let me in.

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) If you want your manhood to stay in one piece I'd back away from the door before I snap it like a twig.

ENTER NILES

FRASIER

Niles is everything all right?

NILES

Daphne's a little tired. She's going to take a nap.

FRASIER

But you were fighting.

NILES

You're over analysing Frasier, it's just our way of expressing emotion.

ENTER DAPHNE WHO WALKS UP BEHIND NILES

DAPHNE

Move.

NILES

Yes honey.

NILES MOVES OUT OF HER WAY AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

What did you do?

NILES

You know what I did.

FRASIER

Not this still?

NILES

I'm afraid so.

MARTIN

All this is still over the 'incident'?

NILES

I'm having a difficult time trying to get her to forgive me.

FRASIER

Well it strikes me you're not trying very hard.

NILES

I'm running out of things to try I've… Dad what is that?

MARTIN

It's a beaver playing golf.

NILES

Why?

MARTIN

Because it was his last dying wish to spend eternity carrying a sand wedge.

NILES

He's not carrying a sandwich, it's a golf club.

MARTIN

No a sand wedge Niles, it's a golf club.

NILES

Anyway so why do you have it?

FRASIER

Someone sent it him through the post, anonymously.

NILES

Well when you're sending beaver hate mail you do want to keep it anonymous.

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS MAKING A SANDWICH AS NILES ENTERS

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne, honey.

DAPHNE VIOLENTLY CUTS A LETTUCE IN HALF IN ONE SWIFT CHOP

NILES (CONT'D)

I'll come back.

NILES GOES TO LEAVE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D)

Listen Daphne.

NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF HER

NILES (CONT'D)

I am so sorry Daphne, and I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you.

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS MARTIN PLACES THE BEAVER ON THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH. ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Oh my God Frasier, thank God you're home.

FRASIER

Roz what's the matter?

ROZ

Frasier I've been burgled. They've completely trashed the place.

FRASIER HUGS HER

MARTIN

Have you called the Police?

ROZ

Yes as soon as they left I came over here.

FRASIER

Did they take much?

ROZ

Everything. My TV, my stereo, my jewellery. That African sculpture you bought me for Christmas.

FRASIER

You broke it didn't you?

ROZ

I think so, when it hit the sidewalk I'm sure I heard it smash. They even tried to take my freezer but they couldn't get it out of the door. But they still took my damn jar of macadamia nuts. Frasier can I stay here tonight, I don't want to be on my own in my apartment.

FRASIER

Of course you can honey, you can stay here as long as you like. Did you call a locksmith?

ROZ

Yes, the super was waiting for him.

MARTIN

Well you're perfectly safe here.

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AND TURNS TO SEE THE BEAVER STARING AT HER FROM OFF THE CONSOLE

ROZ

Oh my God, what is that?

MARTIN

It's my beaver.

ROZ

Well get rid of it, it has evil eyes.

MARTIN

Don't say that you'll hurt its feelings.

FRASIER

I don't know if you've noticed this Dad, but it's deceased. It's had its innards ripped out and replaced with sawdust. Any feelings it had, have been severely numbed at this point.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES FOLLOWING HER STILL ON HIS KNEES. DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH AND EATS HER SANDWICH

DAPHNE

Oh hi Roz.

NILES

Daphne please forgive me. I know I was stupid and it was a ridiculous thing to do but I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Tell me what I can do to make this better.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AS NILES FOLLOWS HER STILL ON HIS KNEES

NILES (CONT'D)

Honey you are my life, without you I am nothing.

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND STEPS OUT INTO THE HALL AS NILES FOLLOWS HER

NILES (CONT'D)

You know I would deny you nothing. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to lasso the moon for you if that's what you want.

DAPHNE WALKS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT AS NILES KNEELS IN THE DOORWAY

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne please, I'm begging you.

DAPHNE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE AND THEN GOES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP HER SANDWICH

MARTIN

Well there's no dignity lost there.

DAPHNE WALKS TOWARDS HER ROOM

DAPHNE

If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Anyone except him

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO NILES WHO IS STILL ON HIS KNEES

NILES

I think she's still mad at me.

FRASIER

And it's taken you twenty years of observing behaviour patterns to work that out.

AS NILES WALKS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles)

ROZ IS SITTING AT THE TABLE AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Morning Roz. How did you sleep?

ROZ

Not good.

DAPHNE

Me neither, this fight with Niles has really upset me.

ROZ

What did he do?

DAPHNE

It's an ongoing feud from the 'incident'. Are you feeling any better this morning?

ROZ

A little. I'm still a little weirded out at the thought of those people being in my apartment. I mean what if they come back and I'm alone in there with Alice?

DAPHNE

That's not going to happen. You're just going to scare yourself. At the end of the day it's just stuff, it can be replaced. We can buy you more nuts. They couldn't have been in there any longer than ten minutes.

ROZ

Then why were all my shoes stretched as if they'd had a size eleven foot squeezed into them? And I know for a fact my underwear never used to sag in the crotch like this. I just don't feel comfortable being alone there right now. Do you think Frasier will let me stay here a little longer?

DAPHNE

I'm sure he will.

ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM

FRASIER

Good morning Ladies.

ROZ

Hey Frasier do you mind if I stay here a little longer? I'm not sure I want to go back to my apartment right now.

ENTER MARTIN FROM KITCHEN

FRASIER

Of course you can Roz but you're going to have to go back sometime.

MARTIN

You know Roz, if you're worried about being on your own it may not hurt to take one of those self-defence courses, we used to hold them at the station all the time.

ROZ

That's a good idea Martin.

MARTIN

The best idea! I don't know who thought it up to have all those women jigging around all sweaty for an hour a week but if I did I'd put him in my will.

FRASIER

Yes what a wonderful idea. What would be more insane then letting a bunch of middle aged women with raging hormones loose on the city with their newly taught ability to kick a man in the groin and run away?

ROZ

Hey. I don't know what I find more offensive the fact that you called me middle aged or the fact that you think I have raging hormones.

FRASIER

Roz, for one week every month if they were going to invade Normandy again they would put you in charge.

ROZ

You're only saying this because you know that I could whoop your ass now let alone what I could do after being tutored.

DAPHNE

I think it's a great idea. If you like Roz I can come with you. It might make Niles think twice before he gets on the wrong side of me.

ROZ

That would be great Daphne.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

If I open that door, am I going to start world war three or can the children play nicely today.

DAPHNE

Fine let him in, but if I stab him, be it on your head.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES CARRYING AN EXTREMELY LARGE BOX

NILES

Morning Frasier.

FRASIER

Niles. What on earth is in that box?

NILES

It was left with the doorman. It's for Dad.

MARTIN

I wonder what it is.

NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE TABLE AND THEN RUNS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR TO RETRIEVE AN EXTREMELY LARGE BUNCH OF ROSES THAT HE LEFT OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Quick someone get some scissors.

ROZ GETS SOME SCISSORS OUT OF THE DESK DRAWER

FRASIER

I don't think having sharp objects and Niles and Daphne in the same room is a good idea.

NILES

Daphne, these are for you. A dozen red roses for each month we've been together. I only hope I'll be able to fill Puget Sound full of them by the time this relationship ends. Please give me another chance.

DAPHNE KISSES HIM

NILES

I'll take that as a no then.

DAPHNE

Come on let's put these in some water.

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

I wonder what it could be?

ROZ

Maybe it's a stripper-gram.

FRASIER

Yes Roz, a stripper in a box that size.

ROZ

Have you never heard of a pigmy stripper?

FRASIER

As a matter of fact no I haven't. And while we're on this subject may I ask you Roz to never buy me anything ever again if that is what you think people send each other through the mail.

MARTIN

Oh my God, Frasier.

ROZ

It's all right Martin, he always speaks to me that way. I'll get my revenge someday with a red-hot poker where he's least expecting it.

MARTIN

I was talking about this.

MARTIN PULLS FROM THE BOX ANOTHER BEAVER BUT THIS TIME IT IS WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT, HELMET AND SHOULDER PADS

FRASIER

Oh my God! What sort of deranged individual keeps sending you these things?

MARTIN

I don't know but I've got quite a collection starting.

FRASIER

Yes and before long they're be starting a collection clogging the garbage shoot.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE BEAVER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Who on earth could hate me so much that they would keep sending him these things?

ROZ

Believe me Frasier it's not a short list.

ENTER NILES

FRASIER

So is everything all patched up.

NILES

Yes it is. Daphne's just putting her flowers in some water. So what's this I hear about you two going to self-defence classes?

ROZ

I just don't feel safe anymore, Martin thought it would be a good idea.

FRASIER

I still say confronting this fear head on will solve it rather than learning to kick really, really high.

NILES

Frasier don't be ridiculous, I think it's a wonderful idea. And here's another one, let me teach you self-defence.

ROZ

Excuse me?

NILES

Oh come on Roz please. I take kick boxing every week. I am after all yellow belt status.

FRASIER

You've been yellow belt status for nearly a year.

NILES

So my progression is little slow, but everyone else in the class is at least twice my size.

FRASIER

Pull the other one Niles, you're in the junior class. You defend yourself against a bunch of ten-year-olds, most of whom still wet the bed.

NILES

Well you try kicking you leg that high and not loosing any of your bladder control. So what do you say Roz?

ROZ

Why would you of all people want to help me and especially with self-defence?

NILES

Because I'm concerned for your well being.

ROZ

Cut the crap

NILES

Oh all right, to get me back in Daphne's good books. If I'm seen to be helping out her friend I might score some points. You see I'm talking like an authentic jock already.

FRASIER

I'll resist the temptation to give you my lunch money.

ROZ

All right fine, one chance.

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

I can't believe you're little tiff has lasted this long. You've had ample opportunities to apologise.

NILES

I know but I kept finding another way too put my foot in it.

FRASIER

Oh my God. You've been starting these fights on purpose haven't you?

NILES

No, in fact I laugh at the idea. Ha!

FRASIER

Niles! Your nose is bleeding.

NILES

Oh all right fine. But I'm so sexually frustrated, and I like it when she yells at me. She's just so…

FRASIER

Niles, take my advice, see a therapist. And why are you sexual frustrated? Are you seriously telling me you're still not having sex?

NILES

That's right, and after the accident with the civil war ramrod, we decided to cool it for a while before one of us gets seriously injured.

FRASIER

Oh please don't remind me of that story. Don't get an image, don't get an image. Oh too late. You're going to have to stop this before you really damage this relationship.

NILES

I know and it's stopped. That's it.

ENTER ROZ

FRASIER

Then why is your nose still bleeding?

ROZ

Oh this is excellent, you get a nosebleed from sitting still, how are you supposed to teach me to defend myself?

AS NILES TRIES TO STOP THE FLOW OF BLOOD WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'WARNING! STAND AT LEAST TEN FEET BACK FROM THIS DEMONSTRATION'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND WATCHES NILES TRYING TO DRESS FRASIER IN A PADDED SUIT THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY BORROWED FROM HIS KICKBOXING CLASS. THE SUIT IS ABOUT THREE TIMES TOO BIG.

NILES

Frasier hold still. I'm having trouble doing it up.

FRASIER

It's Velcro Niles. You just put it together and it sticks like magic. I still don't know how you managed to talk me into this. Why can't you wear this stuff?

NILES

How can I teach them how to kick if I'm the one being kicked? What am I suppose to practice on?

FRASIER

How about one of Dad's beavers?

MARTIN

Hay you leave them out of this.

NILES

At any rate I have a feeling Roz is going to be able to kick extremely hard and I have a phobia of internal bleeding.

FRASIER

I still say this whole exercise is ridiculous, Roz needs to confront her fear and go home.

NILES

For the purpose of today's demonstration I think the dummy should be mute.

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WEARING SWEATS

ROZ

Right, we're ready.

NILES

Ok, now Frasier has volunteered to be our attacker today. So what I'm going to show you first is a round-house kick. So Frasier attack me.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

NILES

Attack me.

FRASIER

With what? My bow and arrow wouldn't fit in my pocket.

NILES

My God man. You've got to go back to basics. To a time when men lived in caves and used their hands to kill.

FRASIER

In other words you want me to use my hands?

MARTIN

That would be the general idea. Unless you want to try to batter him to death with a love seat.

FRASIER

How do you expect me to attack you? I can bearly move. I look like some sort of inflatable marshmallow man.

NILES

Ok fine, just stand still.

FRASIER

Wait let me turn around first.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

Do you think we could possibly learn something today, or is this going to be like a soap opera where it takes a week to make a cup of coffee?

FRASIER

I don't trust you and the last thing I want is to stroll into work on Monday with a big footprint on my face.

MARTIN

Why not, you used to walk into school like it.

NILES

Fine turn around.

FRASIER TURNS AWAY FROM NILES

FRASIER

I'll tell you when I'm ready

NILES

Ok now a round-house kick looks like this.

NILES TURNS AROUND, PULLS A FACE OF UTMOST CONCENTRATION AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER AT AROUND WAIST HEIGHT

NILES (CONT'D)

There do you see.

FRASIER

OK I'm ready, Niles.

NILES

Ready for what?

FRASIER

For you to demonstrate.

NILES

I just did it. I just kicked you.

FRASIER

When?

NILES

Just now.

FRASIER

No you didn't.

NILES

Yes I did. I kicked you really hard.

FRASIER

This padding is more protective than I thought.

DAPHNE

This is Niles, we're talking about. He'd struggle to make a dent kicking a mound of flour.

NILES

All right Roz, your turn, let's see what we've got. Just do what I did.

ROZ TURNS AWAY FROM FRASIER AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER IN THE SAME AREA THAT NILES DID. THE FORCE OF WHICH CAUSES FRASIER TO FALL FLAT ON HIS FACE AND ROZ ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES NILES WITH HER FOLLOW THROUGH AND CAUSES HIM TO COLLAPSE ON THE COUCH

FRASIER

Internal bleeding!

NILES

Oh shut up Frasier at least you had padding.

DAPHNE

Get up then and let me have a go.

FRASIER

I can't.

FRASIER ROLLS ON THE FLOOR, BUT CAN'T GET UPRIGHT DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF PADDING HE HAS ON

ROZ

For God's sake I didn't kick you that hard.

FRASIER

It's not that, with all this padding I can't move.

NILES

Here let me help you.

NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO LIFT FRASIER AS HE CONTINUES TO ROLL ON THE FLOOR. THE LEG THAT ROZ KICKED EVENTUALLY GIVES WAY AND NILES FALLS ON TOP OF FRASIER

FRASIER

Ouch! Get off me you idiot.

MARTIN

It's amazing how quickly pride can suddenly turn to embarrassment.

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXCHANGE A GLANCE OF RESIGNATION

RESET TO:

INT. SPORTS HALL — DAY — DAY/4
(Roz, Daphne)

ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN A SPORTS HALL WITH SEVERAL OTHER WOMEN ALL DRESSED IN SPORTS CLOTHES, EACH WEARING A NAME TAG WATCHING TWO INSTRUCTOR'S, PETER AND CARL, DEMONSTRATE SOME SELF DEFENCE MOVES AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. SPORTS HALL — MOMENTS LATER
(Roz, Daphne, Mary, Sandra, Carl, Peter)

ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE REFRESHMENT TABLE DURING A BREAK AS THE OTHER WOMEN MILL AROUND

ROZ

I still don't know how he talked me into letting him teach me.

DAPHNE

It beats the hell out of me. You've never got along since the moment I met you.

ROZ

We just had the wrong teacher. These guys are professional, fit and I bet they look oh so good naked.

DAPHNE

Roz, get your mind out of the gutter.

SANDRA AND MARY APPROACH THE REFRESHMENT TABLE AND GET THEMSELVES A DRINK

SANDRA

Will you look at the buns of those two.

MARY

I wouldn't kick that Peter out of my cave. In fact I'd nail the door shut.

SANDRA

Do you think they're gay?

MARY

Well there are all the classic signs. Both gorgeous, intelligent, charming with bodies to die for.

SANDRA

Not to mention both wearing matching leopard skin, spandex leotards.

MARY

Oh look, the jumper's coming off. Ooh come to Momma.

SANDRA AND MARY MOVE AWAY FROM THE TABLE

DAPHNE

Can you believe those women?

ROZ

Yeah I know, we saw them first. Come on let's do a little flirting.

DAPHNE

Excuse me? You do remember who I'm dating don't you? Or have you forgotten the small incident involving a wedding and a Winnebago?

ROZ

I'm not asking you to elope here.

DAPHNE

That's very generous of you.

ROZ

Just make some eye contact and make me sound good.

DAPHNE

In other words you're asking me for the impossible.

ROZ

Oh ha, ha.

THEY MOVE OVER TO PETER AND CARL

ROZ

Hi guys.

READING THEIR NAME TAGS

CARL

Hi there Roz and Daphne is it.

DAPHNE

That's right.

PETER

Oh your English?

DAPHNE

That's right, Manchester.

PETER

I'm a Bournemouth lad myself.

ROZ

How long have you been in Seattle?

PETER

Just a couple of months.

ROZ

Then you could really use someone to show you all the hotspots.

PETER

Maybe.

ROZ

I'm the authority on the lay of the land around here.

PETER

Would you mind sharing that with me some time?

CARL

Peter we really need to restart.

PETER

Catch you later Roz.

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BENCH WITH EVERYONE ELSE

DAPHNE

Oh my God they are so gay.

ROZ

It's all in your imagination.

DAPHNE

They were constantly touching each other.

PETER

Ok, now what we want to do is just see how much you've picked up from the first session. So one by one I want you to come down here show us what you've got and we'll try to perfect it. So erm… Daphne why don't you come down here first?

DAPHNE

All right.

DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO PETER

PETER

Just show me a simple waist high kick.

DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING

PETER (CONT'D)

We really need for you to get a bit more power behind that. Try again.

DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING AGAIN

PETER (CONT'D)

I know what may help. We need to get you angry. Now we need you to think of something that is really going to get you mad and the power will come from the emotion.

DAPHNE

I can't think of anything I'm not an angry person.

PETER

There must be something.

DAPHNE

No nothing.

PETER

Roz, do you have any ideas?

ROZ

Right now I have about a hundred.

DAPHNE

Are there any to do with me or are they all about sex?

ROZ

I have one for you.

DAPHNE

What?

ROZ

You know all those little incidents that you've been having with Niles lately and all the fights?

DAPHNE

Yes, I'm not sure I like where this is headed.

ROZ

He's been deliberately provoking you because he's so sexual frustrated and it turns him on when you yell at him.

DAPHNE

How do you know this?

ROZ

I overheard Frasier telling him off for it.

DAPHNE

That little bastard.

SHE SUDDENLY TURNS AND KICKS PETER IN THE PADDING SEVERAL TIMES SHOUTING AS SHE DOES IT. THE FINAL BLOW KNOCKS PETER OFF HIS FEET

PETER

I said you needed to get mad not psychotic.

DAPHNE

I don't believe he's done this.

ROZ

The trick is not to get revenge on these pretty boys, you need to get revenge on Niles. And I know just the way.

AS ROZ TRIES TO CALM DAPHNE DOWN WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Niles, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Martin)

FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AS HE STARES IN HORROR AT HIS LIVING ROOM WHICH IS NOW FULL OF MARTIN'S BEAVERS. ENTER NILES

NILES

Oh my God, it's like a beaver morgue in here.

FRASIER

Who could possibly be sending them to him? He received three yesterday and four this morning.

NILES

The beaver of the month club perhaps.

FRASIER

I'm just praying that there's a fire, or an earthquake, an act of God, hell the invasion of the beaver snatchers, I don't care. I just don't want them in my apartment anymore.

NILES

What if one by one they were to just spontaneously combust?

FRASIER

I thought of that, but Dad saw me hovering around them with a fire lighter. Do you think he'd believe that they committed suicide over the terrace?

NILES

Frasier, they're already dead. Why would they need to commit suicide?

FRASIER

Oh I don't know, I'm just grasping at straws here. I feel like I'm being invaded here, not only by the beavers but by Roz. It's been a week now, Alice comes back from Rick's tonight.

NILES

You just want your space back.

FRASIER

Well yes, but I just feel that the longer she stays away, the more fear is going to build up in her and the harder it is going to be to go back.

NILES

Then tell her that. She'll understand that you're only looking out for her best interests.

FRASIER

I hope so.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AS DAPHNE GETS OUT HER KEYS

ROZ

Are you OK?

DAPHNE

I told you, I'm fine. This is not going to bother me. It might bother him when I castrate him.

ROZ

Now Daphne.

DAPHNE

I know, I know. Everything is fine, I love Niles.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS BEFORE, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER

FRASIER

Hello ladies. How did the self-defence class go?

ROZ

Great. Really great in fact.

FRASIER

Did you hit on your instructor?

ROZ

Oh yeah.

NILES

Hello my love.

DAPHNE

Niles, I wasn't expecting to see you tonight.

NILES

I thought I'd surprise you and take you out to dinner.

DAPHNE

(INFURIATED) Oh

ROZ

Daphne!

DAPHNE

(LOVINGLY) Oh. I'll go and get ready then.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

FRASIER

Niles, do you mind if Roz and I have a moment alone?

NILES

Of course.

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER

Roz, I need to talk to you about something. This is hard for me to say.

ROZ

What is it?

FRASIER

Roz I think its time you go back home. It's been nearly a week now and I don't think it's doing you any good avoiding the fear of going back to your apartment.

ROZ

OK Frasier. I'll just grab my things and I'll be off.

FRASIER

(SURPRISED) Are you sure? You don't want to talk about it?

ROZ

No

FRASIER

Well maybe I'm rushing you. You probably should stay here tonight.

ROZ

No honestly Frasier I'm fine.

FRASIER

I want you to stay here tonight.

ROZ

No, I should go back home.

FRASIER

Are you sure? I don't want to rush you. I think for the sake of mental health that you should stay here again tonight.

ROZ

Honestly Frasier I think I should go home.

FRASIER

But I don't want you to. Please Roz.

ROZ

I'm going home Frasier. But let me just speak to Daphne first.

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE IS LOOKING IN HER WARDROBE AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D)

So are you all set to operate plan A?

DAPHNE

You bet I am.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES

So how did it go?

FRASIER

Awful!

NILES

Is she upset?

FRASIER

No, she wants to leave. I don't think she's ready, this is a mistake. I have to talk to her.

FRASIER EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR

NILES

But Frasier… Oh hi Dad.

MARTIN

That's it. The beavers are leaving.

NILES

Are they migrating?

MARTIN

No, I'm throwing them out.

NILES

Why?

MARTIN

I caught Eddie, humping one of them.

NILES

I see.

MARTIN

So did I, I got a big eye full. There are just some things you don't want to see.

NILES

Or hear about.

MARTIN

I wouldn't care if it was the Ballerina or the woman golfer, but no, Eddie has to take a liking to the quarterback.

NILES

With the position that he's been left in for eternity are you hardly surprised? If you ask me the whole incident was unavoidable.

AS NILES GETS HIMSELF A DRINK WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'DECISION TIME: CLARK GABLE OR NILES CRANE?'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles)

FRASIER IS ON THE PHONE AS MARTIN BOXES UP SOME OF HIS BEAVERS

FRASIER

She's still not answering her phone.

MARTIN

Well maybe she's out Frasier. Or maybe, just maybe because it's eleven o'clock and she knows Alice will be up before daybreak she might have gone to bed.

FRASIER

Or curled up in a cupboard with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin.

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

It happened to a patient of mine once.

MARTIN

Oh Frasier will you let it go. You want to throw her out and when you do, she's not upset enough for you.

FRASIER

I'm just worried I may have rushed her.

THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER AND A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD

MARTIN

Shhh they're back. Let's go to bed.

MARTIN AND FRASIER EXIT TO THEIR ROOMS AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

DAPHNE

You choose a bottle of wine and we can go out on the terrace.

NILES

Why don't you choose tonight?

DAPHNE

But it's your brothers. He pulls a face like he's chewing a wasp if I use a spoonful of his coffee.

NILES

That's a good point, he can only deny me a kidney and bone marrow if I open something I shouldn't.

NILES EXITS TO THE KICTHEN AS DAPHNE OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR AND WALKS OUT ONTO IT

RESET TO:

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

NILES ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES

NILES (CONT'D)

Here you go.

DAPHNE

The stars look absolutely beautiful tonight, don't they?

NILES

I don't know, I'm too distracted looking at someone else.

DAPHNE

Ark at you smooth talker.

THEY KISS

NILES

You put me at ease. I'm so glad you let me take you out tonight, it gives me the opportunity to say once again that I'm so sorry.

DAPHNE

Shhh forget about it, I have. I've been thinking. You know how we said we should cool it before one of us gets seriously injured.

NILES

Quite vividly, I still have the scar.

DAPHNE

Well I've been thinking, what if we were to change that statement slightly.

THEY KISS

NILES

What to?

DAPHNE

As God as my witness we're going to have sex or at least die trying.

NILES

That does arouse certain possibilities.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

I'm glad. Fancy dicing with death?

NILES

I'm warming to the idea.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

Good. Would you mind bringing the wine in?

NILES

Not at all.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS AS NILES PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF WINE. WHILE HIS BACK IS TURNED DAPHNE SHUTS THE TERRACE DOOR AND LOCKS IT

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne what are you doing?

DAPHNE

What do you mean?

NILES

This is virtually impossible with us on different sides of a sheet of glass. That's why they arrange weekly conjugal visits in prison.

DAPHNE

Before I let you in, I have a question to ask.

NILES

Yes?

DAPHNE

Have you been deliberately provoking me?

NILES

What?

DAPHNE

Have you been deliberately starting fights with me?

NILES

Daphne I have no idea what you're talking about.

DAPHNE

That's OK. While you stay out there and try to conjure up the idea, I'll just stay in here in the warm and watch the television.

DAPHNE SITS DOWN AND TURNS THE TELEVISION ON

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Ooh look, Gone With The Wind is just starting. I'm just in the mood for a three hour epic. Let me get just comfortable.

NILES

All right Daphne, I know I'm in the wrong here.

DAPHNE TURNS THE TELEVISION OFF

DAPHNE

Damn bloody right you're in the wrong. Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me recently? The amount of nights that I've cried myself to sleep because you've been so thoughtless. I've no idea who you are recently. This is not the Niles Crane I fell in love with.

NILES

Daphne, I'm sorry. I know my actions have been unforgivable, but look at this from my angle, do you have any idea how sexual frustrated I am at the moment?

DAPHNE

And you don't think I am? You don't think I've wanted to turn up at your office in nothing but a smile and a whip cream teddy and show you what that couch is really made for?

NILES

But you've never even given me the slightest indication you felt the same recently.

DAPHNE

That's because you're the one who said we should cool it.

NILES

I had to Daphne, I nearly lost an eye.

DAPHNE

And that's my fault? You can barely pick up a stick of celery without spraining your wrist. I told you, you wouldn't be able to carry me.

NILES

Well forgive me for trying to make our first time special, remind me not to bother next time.

DAPHNE

It amazes me that you expect a next time.

NILES

Wait now Daphne let's just calm down, before we say something we'll regret.

DAPHNE

I already have, when I said drive. I'm going to bed.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

NILES

Wait Daphne… I'm sorry.

AS NILES STARES AFTER HER WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)

FRASIER STANDS IN THE LIVING ROOM HOLDING THE PHONE TO HIS EAR

FRASIER

Oh come on Roz, answer the phone. I have to go around there.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND MOVES TO THE PEG TO GET HIS COAT. AS HE DOES HE NOTICES NILES ASLEEP ON THE TERRACE FLOOR. FRASIER EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS ASLEEP WITH EDDIE ON THE END OF HIS BED AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Dad! Dad!

MARTIN

What the hell is it? Do you have any idea what time it is?

FRASIER

There's a burglar on the balcony.

MARTIN

I actually hinting at three-thirty.

FRASIER

No honestly Dad, there's a burglar on the balcony.

MARTIN

Are you sure?

FRASIER

Of course I'm sure. It's virtually impossible to mistake a person for a ficus tree.

MARTIN

Well how did he get up here?

FRASIER

I don't know, maybe he's Superman, maybe he grew wings and flew, how should I know. What do we do now?

MARTIN

Well since you've done the obvious thing and wake up an old man with a cane and a little dog, I guess now we do the most ridiculous thing that pops into our heads and call the Police.

FRASIER

I did call the Police, I called you. Oh no I left the phone in the living room.

MARTIN

Who were you calling?

FRASIER

Roz.

MARTIN

Oh Frasier!

FRASIER

Spare me the lecture Dad and just help me deal with this.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND FRASIER SLOWLY AND QUIETLY CREEP INTO THE LIVING ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Wait where's your gun?

MARTIN

I can't remember my gun and my underwear you know.

FRASIER

And I'm glad you made the right choice. Ooh I've an idea. Give me your cane I'll have something to bash him with.

MARTIN

You can't have that, I'll fall over.

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE'S FLUFFY BANANA

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Here, we'll use this, he might think it's a gun in the dark.

FRASIER

That's Eddie's toy banana.

MARTIN

So?

FRASIER

How you remained on the Police force for thirty years still amazes me.

MARTIN

He looks asleep, this will make it easier. On the count of three you open the door.

FRASIER

Why can't you open the door?

MARTIN

Because I'm holding the banana.

FRASIER

Then let me hold the banana and you open the door.

MARTIN

But I've got more experience holding a weapon.

FRASIER

Just because you were a Policeman does not make you the authority on operating a fluffy, squeaky banana.

ENTER EDDIE WHO SEES MARTIN HOLDING THE BANANA, JUMPS UP AND BITES THE OTHER END RESULTING IN MARTIN AND EDDIE HAVING A TUG OF WAR.

FRASIER (CONT'D)

This is no time for games.

MARTIN

He won't let go.

FRASIER THEN GRABS EDDIE AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE BANANA. EDDIE EVENTUALLY LOOSES THE BATTLE, LETTING GO OF THE BANANA AND NEARLY CAUSING BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER TO TUMBLE TO THE FLOOR.

FRASIER

Do you see the trouble you've caused with that thing? Now give me the banana.

MARTIN

No, it was my idea.

FRASIER

This is my house, now give me the banana.

MARTIN

Just open the door, he's waking up.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN POINTS THE BANANA AT NILES

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Freeze! Put your hands above your head.

NILES RAISES HIS HANDS

NILES

What the hell are you doing?

FRASIER

Niles?

NILES

Of course Niles!

MARTIN

Well I'm sorry if we were so surprised but we'd forgotten we'd sublet you our balcony.

FRASIER

We thought you were a burglar.

MARTIN

You're lucky Niles, I could have shot you.

NILES

With what a banana?

FRASIER

What are you doing out here anyway?

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

What the bloody hell's all this noise? Oh.

NILES RUSHES TO DAPHNE

NILES

Daphne please, just let me explain.

DAPHNE

Give me one reason why I should.

A BEAT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Too late.

DAPHNE PULLS HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN LETS THEM SNAP AGAINST HIS CHEST

EXIT DAPHNE

NILES

Daphne found out. She's a little upset.

MARTIN

Well that's stating the obvious.

NILES

I have to make her listen.

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

MARTIN

There's a burglar on the balcony! How can you not recognise your own brother?

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry but you didn't recognise him either.

MARTIN

How could I? Between being woken up with a start in the middle of the night, trying to remember me underwear and trying to stop you from taking my cane and my banana it's a wonder I can speak in complete sentences.

FRASIER

Well since I'm up and now more alert than if I'd had an expresso transfusion, I think I might take a walk.

MARTIN

You're going to see Roz aren't you?

FRASIER

Of course not.

MARTIN

OK, I'm going back to bed.

FRASIER

See you in the morning.

MARTIN

Goodnight son. Say hi to Roz for me.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM

FRASIER

I will do.

RESET TO:

INT. OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S DOOR

NILES

Daphne. Daphne. All right you don't have to speak, just listen to me.

NILES PLACES HIS HANDKERCHIEF ON THE FLOOR AND SITS ON IT AND LEANS UP HER DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

I can't begin to imagine where this puts us now. The greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my life and I spoil it. I know I've been acting like a complete ass around you recently and I apologise for that. The problem is though, and I'm not trying to make excuses here, I've been acting this way around you for the last seven years, you just never noticed. I still remember the first time I saw you as clear as if it happened this evening. I came around to get Frasier to sign an autograph for our maid. And as I turned there you were. The most indescribably beautiful creature I had ever seen. I found it hard to speak more than a few sentences, hell I found it hard to breathe. You had such a manner about you, you were so comfortable with yourself you put me at ease and at the same time for those moments everyday that I spent with you, suddenly I felt alive, like I could do anything as long as you were with me. A sensation that I'd never experienced before. And the more you made me feel like that the more time I wanted to spend around you, and the more time I spent around you, the more I fell in love with you. You've made me happier these last few months than I ever knew it was possible and I thankyou for that. It's funny once again I find myself in the same situation as I did on the balcony at the Wayside Inn. I don't want to stop talking, because if I do, you might tell me it's all over, and if that's what you're going to say I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I have loved you for so long, I can't even remember what it feels like to not love you which means I will never stop loving you and since I feel that way I can see that it's best, that I leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore, the thought of making you cry destroys me. Good bye Daphne.

NILES WHO AT THIS POINT IS BREAKING DOWN TURNS AND KISSES THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

I love you.

THE DOOR OPENS AS DAPHNE ENTERS. THE DOOR OPENS INWARDS AND SO NILES FALLS FLAT ON HIS BACK AND STARES UP AT HER

DAPHNE

How can you think I'd say it was over? You're the love of my life. Do you honestly think I'd give that up because you have trouble keeping your hormones in check?

DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND HUGS NILES AS HE SITS UP

NILES

But you said…

DAPHNE

Yes I know what I said, I also said I was in love with Donny Osmond once. I was angry.

NILES

Daphne I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

DAPHNE

Under one condition. You never do this again.

NILES

You can count on it. Thankyou Daphne.

NILES KISSES HER

DAPHNE

Don't jump the gun, you're still in the doghouse.

NILES

You're not going to lock me on the balcony again are you?

DAPHNE

No, but blame Roz it was her idea.

NILES

It was her idea to lock me on the balcony?

DAPHNE

Well actually it was her idea to get you all horny and then lock you on the balcony.

NILES

Well mission accomplished. I am so, so sorry and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that you don't regret this decision. Well it's late, I probably should go.

DAPHNE

You don't have to.

NILES

I know but that couch hurts my back.

DAPHNE

I'm sure I could make room for you in my room.

DAPHNE AND NILES GET UP OFF THE FLOOR AND EXIT TO HER ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) Erm… Daphne?

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) Don't even think about it. I have a mousetrap and I'm not afraid to us it.

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) I was going to say I think I left my handkerchief outside.

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) Sorry.

A BEAT

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) Erm Daphne…

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) No.

NILES

(OFFSTAGE) I just thought I'd check.

AS ALL GOES QUIET WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Roz, Peter)

FRASIER, DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND A COAT STANDS OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT POUNDING ON THE DOOR

FRASIER

Roz! Roz! Roz, its Frasier, will you open the door.

THE DOOR OPENS, ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Frasier will you keep your voice down, you'll wake Alice, not to mention the entire building. What are you doing here? At four in the morning? In your pyjamas? Oh my God, I'm flattered Frasier, but no!

FRASIER

Roz I was worried about you.

ROZ

There's no need Frasier, honestly.

FRASIER

I just think I rushed you.

ROZ

Sometimes a person needs to be rushed. Now goodbye.

SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE DOOR WHICH HITS HIS KNEE AND PREVENTS IT FROM CLOSING

FRASIER

Wait Roz, I've been calling all evening and I got no reply.

ROZ

That's because I didn't pick up the phone.

FRASIER

You've been too scared to haven't you?

ROZ

No Frasier.

FRASIER

Than what's been going on?

ENTER PETER WHO WALKS UP BEHIND ROZ

PETER

Is everything OK Roz?

ROZ

Everything is fine. Peter this is Frasier, Frasier this is Peter my self-defence class teacher.

FRASIER

Oh I see, how do you do?

PETER EXITS BACK INTO HER APARTMENT AS FRASIER PULLS ROZ OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR

ROZ

Don't look at me like that. I just invited him up here to show me his moves.

FRASIER

Oh I don't doubt it. Well I see that you're fine, I should be going. Bye Roz.

ROZ

Bye Frasier.

ROZ EXITS INTO HER APARTMENT AND SHUTS THE DOOR

FRASIER

Is there anyone she won't sleep with?

ROZ

(THROUGH THE DOOR) I heard that and I've got a guy in here who could kick your ass.

AS FRASIER RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO