After leaving the book I wrote this episode in on a plane in Chicago, I have desperately tried to rewrite it.
I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Studios.
Feedback is always much appreciated.
Enjoy…
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eleven
A Fool Such As I
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Ed (V.O.))
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE BOOTH NEARING THE END OF THE SHOW
FRASIER
I think we have time for one more call. Roz who do we have on the line?
ROZ
We have Ed from Kirkland who has a fear of abandonment.
FRASIER
Hello Ed, I'm listening.
WE HEAR THE LINE BEING CUT OFF AND A DISCONNECTED TONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I see. Roz is there any chance that we can get him back? Before he's traumatised to the brink of climbing a clock tower and taking out the town.
ROZ
Just a second.
FRASIER
While we have a moment may I take this opportunity to inform you once again that having a multiple personality disorder does not entitle you can claim multiple unemployment benefits under each name. Unfortunately Ted found that out the hard way and as we wish Ted our best we also remind him not to drop the soap in the shower.
ROZ
Dr. Crane we have Ed back on line one.
FRASIER
Hello Ed, I'm listening.
ED
Hello Dr. Crane. This all started when I was young and my father walked out on us to become a circus performer. My mother soon after left me when I was eleven, we never knew where she went, I never bought the excuse it took twenty years to buy a carton of milk. So I was placed in my grandmother's care. That didn't last long because having a child clashed with her social life, especially when I accidentally announced in church that the Reverend had attended one of her many key parties. I was then moved around various foster homes as my love for all things Euro trash conflicted with what's considered a normal suburban family lifestyle. I've never really had a proper girlfriend since I caught my high school sweetheart in the basement making out with one of my foster mothers, as I was always frightened of being left again. I've never had many friends, my dog even ran away last week. I don't know where he is. I find myself obsessively checking the road kill closely. It's all resulted in my fear of abandonment.
FRASIER
Well Ed…
ROZ
I'm sorry Dr. Crane but we're all out of time.
FRASIER
I'm sorry Ed, but we have to cut this short. Call in again on Monday and I promise you'll be our first caller.
ED
That's what they all say.
ED HANGS UP THE PHONE
FRASIER
Well this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off for the day wishing you all a good day and good mental health.
AS FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
So Roz what are you up to this weekend?
ROZ
I'm going to have a weekend of uninterrupted peace, quiet and indulgence. Alice is going to stop with Rick and his parents for the week.
FRASIER
Oh yes I forgot. They must be really excited to have her all to themselves.
ROZ
Not as excited as I am. Don't get me wrong, I would give my life for my daughter, but it's just nice that she's going to be trashing someone else's apartment this week and mommy gets the place all to herself.
AS FRASIER GOES TO EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'THEY FORGOT TO PULL THE PLUG OUT'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz)
FRASIER AND MARTIN STAND LOOKING AT A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX ON THE TABLE
FRASIER
So what is it?
MARTIN
I have no idea. I haven't ordered anything.
FRASIER
It must be a gift off someone then.
MARTIN
That would be the obvious conclusion.
FRASIER
Well open it up then.
MARTIN CUTS THE TOP OF THE BOX AND STARES INTO IT
MARTIN
Oh my God. It's fantastic.
FRASIER
What is it? Let me see.
MARTIN PULLS A STUFFED BEAVER OUT OF THE BOX WEARING A COLOURFUL GOLFING OUTFIT AND CARRYING A BAG OF CLUBS. FRASIER OF COURSE IS HORRIFIED AS MARTIN STANDS IN AWE OF IT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh my God. That's hideous.
MARTIN
What are you talking about it's great.
FRASIER
Who would send you such a thing?
MARTIN
I don't know, there's no note in the box.
FRASIER
I don't think anyone would want to own up to having purchased that monstrosity, I know I certainly wouldn't.
MARTIN
I need to find the perfect place for it.
FRASIER
The pet cemetery?
MARTIN
It needs to go somewhere where it will catch the light.
FRASIER
In the fireplace maybe?
DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAMS IT BEHIND HER AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM CHUNTERING TO HERSELF AS SHE GOES
MARTIN
Hay Daphne what do you think of my beaver?
DAPHNE
Stuff it old man.
MARTIN
But it's already stuffed. That's why people send dead things through the mail to a taxidermist, otherwise it would just be some sort of sick hate mail.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS
NILES
Has she gone to her room?
FRASIER
Yes, what on earth has happened?
NILES
She's just a little mad at me. Just a lovers tiff.
NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM
MARTIN
So where do you think I should put this?
FRASIER
That doesn't concern you? Seeing her that upset.
MARTIN
Hell no, people fight all the time, it's life. Very rarely do these things end up with a hacked up body in a dumpster.
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne.
DAPHNE
(OFFSTAGE) Sod off!
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) Honey let me in.
DAPHNE
(OFFSTAGE) If you want your manhood to stay in one piece I'd back away from the door before I snap it like a twig.
ENTER NILES
FRASIER
Niles is everything all right?
NILES
Daphne's a little tired. She's going to take a nap.
FRASIER
But you were fighting.
NILES
You're over analysing Frasier, it's just our way of expressing emotion.
ENTER DAPHNE WHO WALKS UP BEHIND NILES
DAPHNE
Move.
NILES
Yes honey.
NILES MOVES OUT OF HER WAY AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
What did you do?
NILES
You know what I did.
FRASIER
Not this still?
NILES
I'm afraid so.
MARTIN
All this is still over the 'incident'?
NILES
I'm having a difficult time trying to get her to forgive me.
FRASIER
Well it strikes me you're not trying very hard.
NILES
I'm running out of things to try I've… Dad what is that?
MARTIN
It's a beaver playing golf.
NILES
Why?
MARTIN
Because it was his last dying wish to spend eternity carrying a sand wedge.
NILES
He's not carrying a sandwich, it's a golf club.
MARTIN
No a sand wedge Niles, it's a golf club.
NILES
Anyway so why do you have it?
FRASIER
Someone sent it him through the post, anonymously.
NILES
Well when you're sending beaver hate mail you do want to keep it anonymous.
NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE IS MAKING A SANDWICH AS NILES ENTERS
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne, honey.
DAPHNE VIOLENTLY CUTS A LETTUCE IN HALF IN ONE SWIFT CHOP
NILES (CONT'D)
I'll come back.
NILES GOES TO LEAVE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Listen Daphne.
NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF HER
NILES (CONT'D)
I am so sorry Daphne, and I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you.
SFX: DOORBELL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS MARTIN PLACES THE BEAVER ON THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH. ENTER ROZ
ROZ
Oh my God Frasier, thank God you're home.
FRASIER
Roz what's the matter?
ROZ
Frasier I've been burgled. They've completely trashed the place.
FRASIER HUGS HER
MARTIN
Have you called the Police?
ROZ
Yes as soon as they left I came over here.
FRASIER
Did they take much?
ROZ
Everything. My TV, my stereo, my jewellery. That African sculpture you bought me for Christmas.
FRASIER
You broke it didn't you?
ROZ
I think so, when it hit the sidewalk I'm sure I heard it smash. They even tried to take my freezer but they couldn't get it out of the door. But they still took my damn jar of macadamia nuts. Frasier can I stay here tonight, I don't want to be on my own in my apartment.
FRASIER
Of course you can honey, you can stay here as long as you like. Did you call a locksmith?
ROZ
Yes, the super was waiting for him.
MARTIN
Well you're perfectly safe here.
ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AND TURNS TO SEE THE BEAVER STARING AT HER FROM OFF THE CONSOLE
ROZ
Oh my God, what is that?
MARTIN
It's my beaver.
ROZ
Well get rid of it, it has evil eyes.
MARTIN
Don't say that you'll hurt its feelings.
FRASIER
I don't know if you've noticed this Dad, but it's deceased. It's had its innards ripped out and replaced with sawdust. Any feelings it had, have been severely numbed at this point.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES FOLLOWING HER STILL ON HIS KNEES. DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH AND EATS HER SANDWICH
DAPHNE
Oh hi Roz.
NILES
Daphne please forgive me. I know I was stupid and it was a ridiculous thing to do but I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Tell me what I can do to make this better.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AS NILES FOLLOWS HER STILL ON HIS KNEES
NILES (CONT'D)
Honey you are my life, without you I am nothing.
DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND STEPS OUT INTO THE HALL AS NILES FOLLOWS HER
NILES (CONT'D)
You know I would deny you nothing. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to lasso the moon for you if that's what you want.
DAPHNE WALKS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT AS NILES KNEELS IN THE DOORWAY
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne please, I'm begging you.
DAPHNE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE AND THEN GOES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP HER SANDWICH
MARTIN
Well there's no dignity lost there.
DAPHNE WALKS TOWARDS HER ROOM
DAPHNE
If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Anyone except him
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO NILES WHO IS STILL ON HIS KNEES
NILES
I think she's still mad at me.
FRASIER
And it's taken you twenty years of observing behaviour patterns to work that out.
AS NILES WALKS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles)
ROZ IS SITTING AT THE TABLE AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Morning Roz. How did you sleep?
ROZ
Not good.
DAPHNE
Me neither, this fight with Niles has really upset me.
ROZ
What did he do?
DAPHNE
It's an ongoing feud from the 'incident'. Are you feeling any better this morning?
ROZ
A little. I'm still a little weirded out at the thought of those people being in my apartment. I mean what if they come back and I'm alone in there with Alice?
DAPHNE
That's not going to happen. You're just going to scare yourself. At the end of the day it's just stuff, it can be replaced. We can buy you more nuts. They couldn't have been in there any longer than ten minutes.
ROZ
Then why were all my shoes stretched as if they'd had a size eleven foot squeezed into them? And I know for a fact my underwear never used to sag in the crotch like this. I just don't feel comfortable being alone there right now. Do you think Frasier will let me stay here a little longer?
DAPHNE
I'm sure he will.
ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM
FRASIER
Good morning Ladies.
ROZ
Hey Frasier do you mind if I stay here a little longer? I'm not sure I want to go back to my apartment right now.
ENTER MARTIN FROM KITCHEN
FRASIER
Of course you can Roz but you're going to have to go back sometime.
MARTIN
You know Roz, if you're worried about being on your own it may not hurt to take one of those self-defence courses, we used to hold them at the station all the time.
ROZ
That's a good idea Martin.
MARTIN
The best idea! I don't know who thought it up to have all those women jigging around all sweaty for an hour a week but if I did I'd put him in my will.
FRASIER
Yes what a wonderful idea. What would be more insane then letting a bunch of middle aged women with raging hormones loose on the city with their newly taught ability to kick a man in the groin and run away?
ROZ
Hey. I don't know what I find more offensive the fact that you called me middle aged or the fact that you think I have raging hormones.
FRASIER
Roz, for one week every month if they were going to invade Normandy again they would put you in charge.
ROZ
You're only saying this because you know that I could whoop your ass now let alone what I could do after being tutored.
DAPHNE
I think it's a great idea. If you like Roz I can come with you. It might make Niles think twice before he gets on the wrong side of me.
ROZ
That would be great Daphne.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
If I open that door, am I going to start world war three or can the children play nicely today.
DAPHNE
Fine let him in, but if I stab him, be it on your head.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES CARRYING AN EXTREMELY LARGE BOX
NILES
Morning Frasier.
FRASIER
Niles. What on earth is in that box?
NILES
It was left with the doorman. It's for Dad.
MARTIN
I wonder what it is.
NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE TABLE AND THEN RUNS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR TO RETRIEVE AN EXTREMELY LARGE BUNCH OF ROSES THAT HE LEFT OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Quick someone get some scissors.
ROZ GETS SOME SCISSORS OUT OF THE DESK DRAWER
FRASIER
I don't think having sharp objects and Niles and Daphne in the same room is a good idea.
NILES
Daphne, these are for you. A dozen red roses for each month we've been together. I only hope I'll be able to fill Puget Sound full of them by the time this relationship ends. Please give me another chance.
DAPHNE KISSES HIM
NILES
I'll take that as a no then.
DAPHNE
Come on let's put these in some water.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
I wonder what it could be?
ROZ
Maybe it's a stripper-gram.
FRASIER
Yes Roz, a stripper in a box that size.
ROZ
Have you never heard of a pigmy stripper?
FRASIER
As a matter of fact no I haven't. And while we're on this subject may I ask you Roz to never buy me anything ever again if that is what you think people send each other through the mail.
MARTIN
Oh my God, Frasier.
ROZ
It's all right Martin, he always speaks to me that way. I'll get my revenge someday with a red-hot poker where he's least expecting it.
MARTIN
I was talking about this.
MARTIN PULLS FROM THE BOX ANOTHER BEAVER BUT THIS TIME IT IS WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT, HELMET AND SHOULDER PADS
FRASIER
Oh my God! What sort of deranged individual keeps sending you these things?
MARTIN
I don't know but I've got quite a collection starting.
FRASIER
Yes and before long they're be starting a collection clogging the garbage shoot.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE BEAVER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Who on earth could hate me so much that they would keep sending him these things?
ROZ
Believe me Frasier it's not a short list.
ENTER NILES
FRASIER
So is everything all patched up.
NILES
Yes it is. Daphne's just putting her flowers in some water. So what's this I hear about you two going to self-defence classes?
ROZ
I just don't feel safe anymore, Martin thought it would be a good idea.
FRASIER
I still say confronting this fear head on will solve it rather than learning to kick really, really high.
NILES
Frasier don't be ridiculous, I think it's a wonderful idea. And here's another one, let me teach you self-defence.
ROZ
Excuse me?
NILES
Oh come on Roz please. I take kick boxing every week. I am after all yellow belt status.
FRASIER
You've been yellow belt status for nearly a year.
NILES
So my progression is little slow, but everyone else in the class is at least twice my size.
FRASIER
Pull the other one Niles, you're in the junior class. You defend yourself against a bunch of ten-year-olds, most of whom still wet the bed.
NILES
Well you try kicking you leg that high and not loosing any of your bladder control. So what do you say Roz?
ROZ
Why would you of all people want to help me and especially with self-defence?
NILES
Because I'm concerned for your well being.
ROZ
Cut the crap
NILES
Oh all right, to get me back in Daphne's good books. If I'm seen to be helping out her friend I might score some points. You see I'm talking like an authentic jock already.
FRASIER
I'll resist the temptation to give you my lunch money.
ROZ
All right fine, one chance.
ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
I can't believe you're little tiff has lasted this long. You've had ample opportunities to apologise.
NILES
I know but I kept finding another way too put my foot in it.
FRASIER
Oh my God. You've been starting these fights on purpose haven't you?
NILES
No, in fact I laugh at the idea. Ha!
FRASIER
Niles! Your nose is bleeding.
NILES
Oh all right fine. But I'm so sexually frustrated, and I like it when she yells at me. She's just so…
FRASIER
Niles, take my advice, see a therapist. And why are you sexual frustrated? Are you seriously telling me you're still not having sex?
NILES
That's right, and after the accident with the civil war ramrod, we decided to cool it for a while before one of us gets seriously injured.
FRASIER
Oh please don't remind me of that story. Don't get an image, don't get an image. Oh too late. You're going to have to stop this before you really damage this relationship.
NILES
I know and it's stopped. That's it.
ENTER ROZ
FRASIER
Then why is your nose still bleeding?
ROZ
Oh this is excellent, you get a nosebleed from sitting still, how are you supposed to teach me to defend myself?
AS NILES TRIES TO STOP THE FLOW OF BLOOD WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'WARNING! STAND AT LEAST TEN FEET BACK FROM THIS DEMONSTRATION'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND WATCHES NILES TRYING TO DRESS FRASIER IN A PADDED SUIT THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY BORROWED FROM HIS KICKBOXING CLASS. THE SUIT IS ABOUT THREE TIMES TOO BIG.
NILES
Frasier hold still. I'm having trouble doing it up.
FRASIER
It's Velcro Niles. You just put it together and it sticks like magic. I still don't know how you managed to talk me into this. Why can't you wear this stuff?
NILES
How can I teach them how to kick if I'm the one being kicked? What am I suppose to practice on?
FRASIER
How about one of Dad's beavers?
MARTIN
Hay you leave them out of this.
NILES
At any rate I have a feeling Roz is going to be able to kick extremely hard and I have a phobia of internal bleeding.
FRASIER
I still say this whole exercise is ridiculous, Roz needs to confront her fear and go home.
NILES
For the purpose of today's demonstration I think the dummy should be mute.
ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WEARING SWEATS
ROZ
Right, we're ready.
NILES
Ok, now Frasier has volunteered to be our attacker today. So what I'm going to show you first is a round-house kick. So Frasier attack me.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
NILES
Attack me.
FRASIER
With what? My bow and arrow wouldn't fit in my pocket.
NILES
My God man. You've got to go back to basics. To a time when men lived in caves and used their hands to kill.
FRASIER
In other words you want me to use my hands?
MARTIN
That would be the general idea. Unless you want to try to batter him to death with a love seat.
FRASIER
How do you expect me to attack you? I can bearly move. I look like some sort of inflatable marshmallow man.
NILES
Ok fine, just stand still.
FRASIER
Wait let me turn around first.
NILES
Why?
DAPHNE
Do you think we could possibly learn something today, or is this going to be like a soap opera where it takes a week to make a cup of coffee?
FRASIER
I don't trust you and the last thing I want is to stroll into work on Monday with a big footprint on my face.
MARTIN
Why not, you used to walk into school like it.
NILES
Fine turn around.
FRASIER TURNS AWAY FROM NILES
FRASIER
I'll tell you when I'm ready
NILES
Ok now a round-house kick looks like this.
NILES TURNS AROUND, PULLS A FACE OF UTMOST CONCENTRATION AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER AT AROUND WAIST HEIGHT
NILES (CONT'D)
There do you see.
FRASIER
OK I'm ready, Niles.
NILES
Ready for what?
FRASIER
For you to demonstrate.
NILES
I just did it. I just kicked you.
FRASIER
When?
NILES
Just now.
FRASIER
No you didn't.
NILES
Yes I did. I kicked you really hard.
FRASIER
This padding is more protective than I thought.
DAPHNE
This is Niles, we're talking about. He'd struggle to make a dent kicking a mound of flour.
NILES
All right Roz, your turn, let's see what we've got. Just do what I did.
ROZ TURNS AWAY FROM FRASIER AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER IN THE SAME AREA THAT NILES DID. THE FORCE OF WHICH CAUSES FRASIER TO FALL FLAT ON HIS FACE AND ROZ ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES NILES WITH HER FOLLOW THROUGH AND CAUSES HIM TO COLLAPSE ON THE COUCH
FRASIER
Internal bleeding!
NILES
Oh shut up Frasier at least you had padding.
DAPHNE
Get up then and let me have a go.
FRASIER
I can't.
FRASIER ROLLS ON THE FLOOR, BUT CAN'T GET UPRIGHT DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF PADDING HE HAS ON
ROZ
For God's sake I didn't kick you that hard.
FRASIER
It's not that, with all this padding I can't move.
NILES
Here let me help you.
NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO LIFT FRASIER AS HE CONTINUES TO ROLL ON THE FLOOR. THE LEG THAT ROZ KICKED EVENTUALLY GIVES WAY AND NILES FALLS ON TOP OF FRASIER
FRASIER
Ouch! Get off me you idiot.
MARTIN
It's amazing how quickly pride can suddenly turn to embarrassment.
ROZ AND DAPHNE EXCHANGE A GLANCE OF RESIGNATION
RESET TO:
INT. SPORTS HALL — DAY — DAY/4
(Roz, Daphne)
ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN A SPORTS HALL WITH SEVERAL OTHER WOMEN ALL DRESSED IN SPORTS CLOTHES, EACH WEARING A NAME TAG WATCHING TWO INSTRUCTOR'S, PETER AND CARL, DEMONSTRATE SOME SELF DEFENCE MOVES AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
INT. SPORTS HALL — MOMENTS LATER
(Roz, Daphne, Mary, Sandra, Carl, Peter)
ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE REFRESHMENT TABLE DURING A BREAK AS THE OTHER WOMEN MILL AROUND
ROZ
I still don't know how he talked me into letting him teach me.
DAPHNE
It beats the hell out of me. You've never got along since the moment I met you.
ROZ
We just had the wrong teacher. These guys are professional, fit and I bet they look oh so good naked.
DAPHNE
Roz, get your mind out of the gutter.
SANDRA AND MARY APPROACH THE REFRESHMENT TABLE AND GET THEMSELVES A DRINK
SANDRA
Will you look at the buns of those two.
MARY
I wouldn't kick that Peter out of my cave. In fact I'd nail the door shut.
SANDRA
Do you think they're gay?
MARY
Well there are all the classic signs. Both gorgeous, intelligent, charming with bodies to die for.
SANDRA
Not to mention both wearing matching leopard skin, spandex leotards.
MARY
Oh look, the jumper's coming off. Ooh come to Momma.
SANDRA AND MARY MOVE AWAY FROM THE TABLE
DAPHNE
Can you believe those women?
ROZ
Yeah I know, we saw them first. Come on let's do a little flirting.
DAPHNE
Excuse me? You do remember who I'm dating don't you? Or have you forgotten the small incident involving a wedding and a Winnebago?
ROZ
I'm not asking you to elope here.
DAPHNE
That's very generous of you.
ROZ
Just make some eye contact and make me sound good.
DAPHNE
In other words you're asking me for the impossible.
ROZ
Oh ha, ha.
THEY MOVE OVER TO PETER AND CARL
ROZ
Hi guys.
READING THEIR NAME TAGS
CARL
Hi there Roz and Daphne is it.
DAPHNE
That's right.
PETER
Oh your English?
DAPHNE
That's right, Manchester.
PETER
I'm a Bournemouth lad myself.
ROZ
How long have you been in Seattle?
PETER
Just a couple of months.
ROZ
Then you could really use someone to show you all the hotspots.
PETER
Maybe.
ROZ
I'm the authority on the lay of the land around here.
PETER
Would you mind sharing that with me some time?
CARL
Peter we really need to restart.
PETER
Catch you later Roz.
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BENCH WITH EVERYONE ELSE
DAPHNE
Oh my God they are so gay.
ROZ
It's all in your imagination.
DAPHNE
They were constantly touching each other.
PETER
Ok, now what we want to do is just see how much you've picked up from the first session. So one by one I want you to come down here show us what you've got and we'll try to perfect it. So erm… Daphne why don't you come down here first?
DAPHNE
All right.
DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO PETER
PETER
Just show me a simple waist high kick.
DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING
PETER (CONT'D)
We really need for you to get a bit more power behind that. Try again.
DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING AGAIN
PETER (CONT'D)
I know what may help. We need to get you angry. Now we need you to think of something that is really going to get you mad and the power will come from the emotion.
DAPHNE
I can't think of anything I'm not an angry person.
PETER
There must be something.
DAPHNE
No nothing.
PETER
Roz, do you have any ideas?
ROZ
Right now I have about a hundred.
DAPHNE
Are there any to do with me or are they all about sex?
ROZ
I have one for you.
DAPHNE
What?
ROZ
You know all those little incidents that you've been having with Niles lately and all the fights?
DAPHNE
Yes, I'm not sure I like where this is headed.
ROZ
He's been deliberately provoking you because he's so sexual frustrated and it turns him on when you yell at him.
DAPHNE
How do you know this?
ROZ
I overheard Frasier telling him off for it.
DAPHNE
That little bastard.
SHE SUDDENLY TURNS AND KICKS PETER IN THE PADDING SEVERAL TIMES SHOUTING AS SHE DOES IT. THE FINAL BLOW KNOCKS PETER OFF HIS FEET
PETER
I said you needed to get mad not psychotic.
DAPHNE
I don't believe he's done this.
ROZ
The trick is not to get revenge on these pretty boys, you need to get revenge on Niles. And I know just the way.
AS ROZ TRIES TO CALM DAPHNE DOWN WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Niles, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Martin)
FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AS HE STARES IN HORROR AT HIS LIVING ROOM WHICH IS NOW FULL OF MARTIN'S BEAVERS. ENTER NILES
NILES
Oh my God, it's like a beaver morgue in here.
FRASIER
Who could possibly be sending them to him? He received three yesterday and four this morning.
NILES
The beaver of the month club perhaps.
FRASIER
I'm just praying that there's a fire, or an earthquake, an act of God, hell the invasion of the beaver snatchers, I don't care. I just don't want them in my apartment anymore.
NILES
What if one by one they were to just spontaneously combust?
FRASIER
I thought of that, but Dad saw me hovering around them with a fire lighter. Do you think he'd believe that they committed suicide over the terrace?
NILES
Frasier, they're already dead. Why would they need to commit suicide?
FRASIER
Oh I don't know, I'm just grasping at straws here. I feel like I'm being invaded here, not only by the beavers but by Roz. It's been a week now, Alice comes back from Rick's tonight.
NILES
You just want your space back.
FRASIER
Well yes, but I just feel that the longer she stays away, the more fear is going to build up in her and the harder it is going to be to go back.
NILES
Then tell her that. She'll understand that you're only looking out for her best interests.
FRASIER
I hope so.
RESET TO:
INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
ROZ AND DAPHNE STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AS DAPHNE GETS OUT HER KEYS
ROZ
Are you OK?
DAPHNE
I told you, I'm fine. This is not going to bother me. It might bother him when I castrate him.
ROZ
Now Daphne.
DAPHNE
I know, I know. Everything is fine, I love Niles.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER
FRASIER
Hello ladies. How did the self-defence class go?
ROZ
Great. Really great in fact.
FRASIER
Did you hit on your instructor?
ROZ
Oh yeah.
NILES
Hello my love.
DAPHNE
Niles, I wasn't expecting to see you tonight.
NILES
I thought I'd surprise you and take you out to dinner.
DAPHNE
(INFURIATED) Oh
ROZ
Daphne!
DAPHNE
(LOVINGLY) Oh. I'll go and get ready then.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
FRASIER
Niles, do you mind if Roz and I have a moment alone?
NILES
Of course.
NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM
FRASIER
Roz, I need to talk to you about something. This is hard for me to say.
ROZ
What is it?
FRASIER
Roz I think its time you go back home. It's been nearly a week now and I don't think it's doing you any good avoiding the fear of going back to your apartment.
ROZ
OK Frasier. I'll just grab my things and I'll be off.
FRASIER
(SURPRISED) Are you sure? You don't want to talk about it?
ROZ
No
FRASIER
Well maybe I'm rushing you. You probably should stay here tonight.
ROZ
No honestly Frasier I'm fine.
FRASIER
I want you to stay here tonight.
ROZ
No, I should go back home.
FRASIER
Are you sure? I don't want to rush you. I think for the sake of mental health that you should stay here again tonight.
ROZ
Honestly Frasier I think I should go home.
FRASIER
But I don't want you to. Please Roz.
ROZ
I'm going home Frasier. But let me just speak to Daphne first.
RESET TO:
INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
DAPHNE IS LOOKING IN HER WARDROBE AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ ENTERS
ROZ (CONT'D)
So are you all set to operate plan A?
DAPHNE
You bet I am.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES
So how did it go?
FRASIER
Awful!
NILES
Is she upset?
FRASIER
No, she wants to leave. I don't think she's ready, this is a mistake. I have to talk to her.
FRASIER EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR
NILES
But Frasier… Oh hi Dad.
MARTIN
That's it. The beavers are leaving.
NILES
Are they migrating?
MARTIN
No, I'm throwing them out.
NILES
Why?
MARTIN
I caught Eddie, humping one of them.
NILES
I see.
MARTIN
So did I, I got a big eye full. There are just some things you don't want to see.
NILES
Or hear about.
MARTIN
I wouldn't care if it was the Ballerina or the woman golfer, but no, Eddie has to take a liking to the quarterback.
NILES
With the position that he's been left in for eternity are you hardly surprised? If you ask me the whole incident was unavoidable.
AS NILES GETS HIMSELF A DRINK WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: 'DECISION TIME: CLARK GABLE OR NILES CRANE?'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles)
FRASIER IS ON THE PHONE AS MARTIN BOXES UP SOME OF HIS BEAVERS
FRASIER
She's still not answering her phone.
MARTIN
Well maybe she's out Frasier. Or maybe, just maybe because it's eleven o'clock and she knows Alice will be up before daybreak she might have gone to bed.
FRASIER
Or curled up in a cupboard with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin.
MARTIN
What?
FRASIER
It happened to a patient of mine once.
MARTIN
Oh Frasier will you let it go. You want to throw her out and when you do, she's not upset enough for you.
FRASIER
I'm just worried I may have rushed her.
THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER AND A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD
MARTIN
Shhh they're back. Let's go to bed.
MARTIN AND FRASIER EXIT TO THEIR ROOMS AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER
DAPHNE
You choose a bottle of wine and we can go out on the terrace.
NILES
Why don't you choose tonight?
DAPHNE
But it's your brothers. He pulls a face like he's chewing a wasp if I use a spoonful of his coffee.
NILES
That's a good point, he can only deny me a kidney and bone marrow if I open something I shouldn't.
NILES EXITS TO THE KICTHEN AS DAPHNE OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR AND WALKS OUT ONTO IT
RESET TO:
EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS
NILES ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES
NILES (CONT'D)
Here you go.
DAPHNE
The stars look absolutely beautiful tonight, don't they?
NILES
I don't know, I'm too distracted looking at someone else.
DAPHNE
Ark at you smooth talker.
THEY KISS
NILES
You put me at ease. I'm so glad you let me take you out tonight, it gives me the opportunity to say once again that I'm so sorry.
DAPHNE
Shhh forget about it, I have. I've been thinking. You know how we said we should cool it before one of us gets seriously injured.
NILES
Quite vividly, I still have the scar.
DAPHNE
Well I've been thinking, what if we were to change that statement slightly.
THEY KISS
NILES
What to?
DAPHNE
As God as my witness we're going to have sex or at least die trying.
NILES
That does arouse certain possibilities.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
I'm glad. Fancy dicing with death?
NILES
I'm warming to the idea.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
Good. Would you mind bringing the wine in?
NILES
Not at all.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ENTERS AS NILES PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF WINE. WHILE HIS BACK IS TURNED DAPHNE SHUTS THE TERRACE DOOR AND LOCKS IT
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne what are you doing?
DAPHNE
What do you mean?
NILES
This is virtually impossible with us on different sides of a sheet of glass. That's why they arrange weekly conjugal visits in prison.
DAPHNE
Before I let you in, I have a question to ask.
NILES
Yes?
DAPHNE
Have you been deliberately provoking me?
NILES
What?
DAPHNE
Have you been deliberately starting fights with me?
NILES
Daphne I have no idea what you're talking about.
DAPHNE
That's OK. While you stay out there and try to conjure up the idea, I'll just stay in here in the warm and watch the television.
DAPHNE SITS DOWN AND TURNS THE TELEVISION ON
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Ooh look, Gone With The Wind is just starting. I'm just in the mood for a three hour epic. Let me get just comfortable.
NILES
All right Daphne, I know I'm in the wrong here.
DAPHNE TURNS THE TELEVISION OFF
DAPHNE
Damn bloody right you're in the wrong. Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me recently? The amount of nights that I've cried myself to sleep because you've been so thoughtless. I've no idea who you are recently. This is not the Niles Crane I fell in love with.
NILES
Daphne, I'm sorry. I know my actions have been unforgivable, but look at this from my angle, do you have any idea how sexual frustrated I am at the moment?
DAPHNE
And you don't think I am? You don't think I've wanted to turn up at your office in nothing but a smile and a whip cream teddy and show you what that couch is really made for?
NILES
But you've never even given me the slightest indication you felt the same recently.
DAPHNE
That's because you're the one who said we should cool it.
NILES
I had to Daphne, I nearly lost an eye.
DAPHNE
And that's my fault? You can barely pick up a stick of celery without spraining your wrist. I told you, you wouldn't be able to carry me.
NILES
Well forgive me for trying to make our first time special, remind me not to bother next time.
DAPHNE
It amazes me that you expect a next time.
NILES
Wait now Daphne let's just calm down, before we say something we'll regret.
DAPHNE
I already have, when I said drive. I'm going to bed.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
NILES
Wait Daphne… I'm sorry.
AS NILES STARES AFTER HER WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)
FRASIER STANDS IN THE LIVING ROOM HOLDING THE PHONE TO HIS EAR
FRASIER
Oh come on Roz, answer the phone. I have to go around there.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND MOVES TO THE PEG TO GET HIS COAT. AS HE DOES HE NOTICES NILES ASLEEP ON THE TERRACE FLOOR. FRASIER EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN IS ASLEEP WITH EDDIE ON THE END OF HIS BED AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Dad! Dad!
MARTIN
What the hell is it? Do you have any idea what time it is?
FRASIER
There's a burglar on the balcony.
MARTIN
I actually hinting at three-thirty.
FRASIER
No honestly Dad, there's a burglar on the balcony.
MARTIN
Are you sure?
FRASIER
Of course I'm sure. It's virtually impossible to mistake a person for a ficus tree.
MARTIN
Well how did he get up here?
FRASIER
I don't know, maybe he's Superman, maybe he grew wings and flew, how should I know. What do we do now?
MARTIN
Well since you've done the obvious thing and wake up an old man with a cane and a little dog, I guess now we do the most ridiculous thing that pops into our heads and call the Police.
FRASIER
I did call the Police, I called you. Oh no I left the phone in the living room.
MARTIN
Who were you calling?
FRASIER
Roz.
MARTIN
Oh Frasier!
FRASIER
Spare me the lecture Dad and just help me deal with this.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN AND FRASIER SLOWLY AND QUIETLY CREEP INTO THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Wait where's your gun?
MARTIN
I can't remember my gun and my underwear you know.
FRASIER
And I'm glad you made the right choice. Ooh I've an idea. Give me your cane I'll have something to bash him with.
MARTIN
You can't have that, I'll fall over.
MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE'S FLUFFY BANANA
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Here, we'll use this, he might think it's a gun in the dark.
FRASIER
That's Eddie's toy banana.
MARTIN
So?
FRASIER
How you remained on the Police force for thirty years still amazes me.
MARTIN
He looks asleep, this will make it easier. On the count of three you open the door.
FRASIER
Why can't you open the door?
MARTIN
Because I'm holding the banana.
FRASIER
Then let me hold the banana and you open the door.
MARTIN
But I've got more experience holding a weapon.
FRASIER
Just because you were a Policeman does not make you the authority on operating a fluffy, squeaky banana.
ENTER EDDIE WHO SEES MARTIN HOLDING THE BANANA, JUMPS UP AND BITES THE OTHER END RESULTING IN MARTIN AND EDDIE HAVING A TUG OF WAR.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
This is no time for games.
MARTIN
He won't let go.
FRASIER THEN GRABS EDDIE AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE BANANA. EDDIE EVENTUALLY LOOSES THE BATTLE, LETTING GO OF THE BANANA AND NEARLY CAUSING BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER TO TUMBLE TO THE FLOOR.
FRASIER
Do you see the trouble you've caused with that thing? Now give me the banana.
MARTIN
No, it was my idea.
FRASIER
This is my house, now give me the banana.
MARTIN
Just open the door, he's waking up.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN POINTS THE BANANA AT NILES
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Freeze! Put your hands above your head.
NILES RAISES HIS HANDS
NILES
What the hell are you doing?
FRASIER
Niles?
NILES
Of course Niles!
MARTIN
Well I'm sorry if we were so surprised but we'd forgotten we'd sublet you our balcony.
FRASIER
We thought you were a burglar.
MARTIN
You're lucky Niles, I could have shot you.
NILES
With what a banana?
FRASIER
What are you doing out here anyway?
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
What the bloody hell's all this noise? Oh.
NILES RUSHES TO DAPHNE
NILES
Daphne please, just let me explain.
DAPHNE
Give me one reason why I should.
A BEAT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Too late.
DAPHNE PULLS HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN LETS THEM SNAP AGAINST HIS CHEST
EXIT DAPHNE
NILES
Daphne found out. She's a little upset.
MARTIN
Well that's stating the obvious.
NILES
I have to make her listen.
NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM
MARTIN
There's a burglar on the balcony! How can you not recognise your own brother?
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry but you didn't recognise him either.
MARTIN
How could I? Between being woken up with a start in the middle of the night, trying to remember me underwear and trying to stop you from taking my cane and my banana it's a wonder I can speak in complete sentences.
FRASIER
Well since I'm up and now more alert than if I'd had an expresso transfusion, I think I might take a walk.
MARTIN
You're going to see Roz aren't you?
FRASIER
Of course not.
MARTIN
OK, I'm going back to bed.
FRASIER
See you in the morning.
MARTIN
Goodnight son. Say hi to Roz for me.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM
FRASIER
I will do.
RESET TO:
INT. OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES STANDS OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S DOOR
NILES
Daphne. Daphne. All right you don't have to speak, just listen to me.
NILES PLACES HIS HANDKERCHIEF ON THE FLOOR AND SITS ON IT AND LEANS UP HER DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
I can't begin to imagine where this puts us now. The greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my life and I spoil it. I know I've been acting like a complete ass around you recently and I apologise for that. The problem is though, and I'm not trying to make excuses here, I've been acting this way around you for the last seven years, you just never noticed. I still remember the first time I saw you as clear as if it happened this evening. I came around to get Frasier to sign an autograph for our maid. And as I turned there you were. The most indescribably beautiful creature I had ever seen. I found it hard to speak more than a few sentences, hell I found it hard to breathe. You had such a manner about you, you were so comfortable with yourself you put me at ease and at the same time for those moments everyday that I spent with you, suddenly I felt alive, like I could do anything as long as you were with me. A sensation that I'd never experienced before. And the more you made me feel like that the more time I wanted to spend around you, and the more time I spent around you, the more I fell in love with you. You've made me happier these last few months than I ever knew it was possible and I thankyou for that. It's funny once again I find myself in the same situation as I did on the balcony at the Wayside Inn. I don't want to stop talking, because if I do, you might tell me it's all over, and if that's what you're going to say I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I have loved you for so long, I can't even remember what it feels like to not love you which means I will never stop loving you and since I feel that way I can see that it's best, that I leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore, the thought of making you cry destroys me. Good bye Daphne.
NILES WHO AT THIS POINT IS BREAKING DOWN TURNS AND KISSES THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
I love you.
THE DOOR OPENS AS DAPHNE ENTERS. THE DOOR OPENS INWARDS AND SO NILES FALLS FLAT ON HIS BACK AND STARES UP AT HER
DAPHNE
How can you think I'd say it was over? You're the love of my life. Do you honestly think I'd give that up because you have trouble keeping your hormones in check?
DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND HUGS NILES AS HE SITS UP
NILES
But you said…
DAPHNE
Yes I know what I said, I also said I was in love with Donny Osmond once. I was angry.
NILES
Daphne I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
DAPHNE
Under one condition. You never do this again.
NILES
You can count on it. Thankyou Daphne.
NILES KISSES HER
DAPHNE
Don't jump the gun, you're still in the doghouse.
NILES
You're not going to lock me on the balcony again are you?
DAPHNE
No, but blame Roz it was her idea.
NILES
It was her idea to lock me on the balcony?
DAPHNE
Well actually it was her idea to get you all horny and then lock you on the balcony.
NILES
Well mission accomplished. I am so, so sorry and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that you don't regret this decision. Well it's late, I probably should go.
DAPHNE
You don't have to.
NILES
I know but that couch hurts my back.
DAPHNE
I'm sure I could make room for you in my room.
DAPHNE AND NILES GET UP OFF THE FLOOR AND EXIT TO HER ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) Erm… Daphne?
DAPHNE
(OFFSTAGE) Don't even think about it. I have a mousetrap and I'm not afraid to us it.
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) I was going to say I think I left my handkerchief outside.
DAPHNE
(OFFSTAGE) Sorry.
A BEAT
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) Erm Daphne…
DAPHNE
(OFFSTAGE) No.
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) I just thought I'd check.
AS ALL GOES QUIET WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
FADE IN:
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Frasier, Roz, Peter)
FRASIER, DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND A COAT STANDS OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT POUNDING ON THE DOOR
FRASIER
Roz! Roz! Roz, its Frasier, will you open the door.
THE DOOR OPENS, ENTER ROZ
ROZ
Frasier will you keep your voice down, you'll wake Alice, not to mention the entire building. What are you doing here? At four in the morning? In your pyjamas? Oh my God, I'm flattered Frasier, but no!
FRASIER
Roz I was worried about you.
ROZ
There's no need Frasier, honestly.
FRASIER
I just think I rushed you.
ROZ
Sometimes a person needs to be rushed. Now goodbye.
SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE DOOR WHICH HITS HIS KNEE AND PREVENTS IT FROM CLOSING
FRASIER
Wait Roz, I've been calling all evening and I got no reply.
ROZ
That's because I didn't pick up the phone.
FRASIER
You've been too scared to haven't you?
ROZ
No Frasier.
FRASIER
Than what's been going on?
ENTER PETER WHO WALKS UP BEHIND ROZ
PETER
Is everything OK Roz?
ROZ
Everything is fine. Peter this is Frasier, Frasier this is Peter my self-defence class teacher.
FRASIER
Oh I see, how do you do?
PETER EXITS BACK INTO HER APARTMENT AS FRASIER PULLS ROZ OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR
ROZ
Don't look at me like that. I just invited him up here to show me his moves.
FRASIER
Oh I don't doubt it. Well I see that you're fine, I should be going. Bye Roz.
ROZ
Bye Frasier.
ROZ EXITS INTO HER APARTMENT AND SHUTS THE DOOR
FRASIER
Is there anyone she won't sleep with?
ROZ
(THROUGH THE DOOR) I heard that and I've got a guy in here who could kick your ass.
AS FRASIER RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO