I don't own any of these characters. The rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.
Enjoy…
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twelve
The St. Valentines Day Massacre
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'DID SHE EVER THINK THAT IT MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY THE WARMER WEATHER?'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles)
FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA DRINKING COFFEE
FRASIER
And what's caused that smile across your face? Am I to detect that you've finally decided to accept that you're not twenty-one anymore and seek a meaningful relationship? Or have you scratched the two hundredth conquest mark of your bedpost?
ROZ
No. I'm celebrating the fact that I have a date this Valentine's day.
FRASIER
A date?
ROZ
That's right.
NILES
A date? As in one date?
ROZ
Yes, why are you both so surprised?
FRASIER
Oh no reason.
NILES
Don't be coy Frasier, the lady asked a question. And I use the term lady here in the loosest possible way. It's because you normally have a date for breakfast, a date for lunch, two for dinner, and one on reserve in case you decide to indulge in a midnight snack. We call it the 'Him fast' diet.
ROZ
So you've finally admitted that I could eat you for breakfast little man. And anyway give me time, there's still two days to go.
FRASIER
Yes and by that time her dance card will have been punched so often that it will have started to disintegrate in her hand.
ROZ
You're just jealous.
FRASIER
You know what? I am jealous. Monogamy is so over rated these days. Forever is such a long time.
NILES
Ooh what a splendid idea. Mahogany wardrobes. No that wouldn't work.
FRASIER
What are you blabbering on about?
NILES
I'm trying to come up the perfect Valentine's gift for Daphne because it's our first one together.
ROZ
And your first instinct was a wardrobe? Well move over Casanova, Niles Crane is taking over your turf.
FRASIER
Just cook her a nice romantic meal and buy her a bunch of flowers.
NILES
This coming from a man who is lucky if he can get through appetisers with a woman, without them getting beeped because of a work related pot-pouri emergency.
FRASIER
That only happened twice and I'll have you know I happen to have a date this year.
ROZ
Wow! Your application for that mail order bride has finally been accepted, congratulations.
FRASIER
That's very amusing. It's Charlotte from the station.
ROZ
Charlotte? You've been dating Charlotte?
FRASIER
Yes, what's wrong with that? I'm meeting her again this afternoon.
ROZ
Nothing, nothing at all.
FRASIER
Then why are you laughing?
ROZ
Oh come on Frasier, she's the office bike. She's slept with more people at the office then I hav… if my memory serves me correct, Bulldog did.
FRASIER
I'm sure you're just exaggerating.
NILES
I hope she is for your sake. You've never been able to go near a bike without a helmet, knee, elbow pads and stabilisers. Which I'm afraid to say is not a terribly romantic image when it's coming wobbling towards you on an intimate evening.
ROZ
And she not exactly the prettiest child in the playground.
FRASIER
And what do you mean by that?
ROZ
When everyone else was joining the queue for good looks she was someone in the back being beaten around the head with an ugly stick.
FRASIER
I think she has a real quality about her.
ROZ
Like a she should be locked up in a stable with a barrel of hay quality.
FRASIER
Anyway back to you celebrating your first Valentine's Day with Daphne by giving her wood.
NILES
You know a nice intimate dinner at home is not a bad idea. Being alone instead of a crowded restaurant may bring us closer to consummating our physical relationship.
ROZ
Oh my God Niles!
NILES
Well forgive me Roz if I don't take several steps down and speak with your street person vernacular. But saying 'it may bring me closer to barfing my girlfriend' doesn't exactly express my feelings for her.
ROZ
I didn't mean that. This stand off between you and Daphne is turning into some kind of medical condition. The wedding was in May, it's now February.
NILES
I don't now what we'd do without your knack for stating the obvious Roz.
FRASIER
Oh my God, that's ten months.
ROZ
You haven't had sex for ten months? My God, no wonder you sweat a lot, if you didn't you'd explode.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHAT WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Deliveryman, Daphne, Niles)
MARTIN STANDS TALKING ON THE PHONE AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
No thanks, I'll just go with the roses. A dozen please.
FRASIER
Oh my Dad, a dozen red roses?
MARTIN
Sshh. That's right, Ok thanks Mark, I'll see you later.
FRASIER
Mark?
MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR
MARTIN
My buddy from McGuinty's. He works at that novelty shop up on 6th.
FRASIER
Why would you be ordering roses from a novelty shop?
MARTIN
Because he sells the plastic kind.
FRASIER
Oh Dad, you really do spare every expense.
MARTIN
What makes more sense, spending a hundred dollars on something that only lasts a few days, or three dollars a bunch on something that will last years as long as you don't leave them in direct sun light or next to your boiler.
FRASIER
Somewhere in there I'm sure there's a point, waiting to be made. So who is the lucky lady?
MARTIN
Mandy Klein from 1304.
FRASIER
Oh my God Dad!
MARTIN
What?
FRASIER
If you scraped the bottom of the barrel anymore you'd make a hole in it.
MARTIN
What's the matter with Mandy?
FRASIER
To start with she's a sixty-year-old woman with a tattoo.
MARTIN
That's a birthmark.
FRASIER
It's shaped like Elvis Priestly.
MARTIN
That's why she was on 60 Minutes.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
No Dad, she was on 60 Minutes because she's kept a dead dog in the freezer for two years.
MARTIN
She was keeping it frozen until they found a cure.
FRASIER
It was run over by a pick up truck! Its head was separated from its body. That's very fatal, there will never be a cure. You can't just glue it back on.
MARTIN
Well Mary's optimistic.
FRASIER
What that she won't be committed?
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN
Are you going to answer the door?
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, ENTER DELIVERYMAN
DELIVERYMAN
I have a delivery for Daphne Moon.
FRASIER
You've come to the right place.
DELIVERYMAN
Sign here please. OK, bring them in.
FRASIER SIGNS THE CLIPBOARD AS SEVERAL DELIVERYMEN APPEAR FROM AROUND THE CORNER AND FILL THE LIVING ROOM WITH SEVERAL LARGE BOUQUETS AND BASKETS OF FLOWERS
FRASIER
Thankyou.
EXIT DELIVERYMAN AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR
MARTIN
I wonder who they're from?
FRASIER
Well let's see, who could possibly be sending Daphne flowers?
MARTIN
They can't all be from Niles.
FRASIER
The cards are all signed by Niles. They kind of put your plastic roses to shame. Saying that a bald budgie in a butter dish would put your plastic roses to shame. (SHOUTS) Daphne!
MARTIN
And just what have you bought this Charlotte, other than a Valentine's Night full of misery?
FRASIER
Your confidence in my success rate in relationships just staggers me.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Oh good Lord, look at all these flowers. Are they for your date?
FRASIER
The delivery was for you.
DAPHNE
For me? All of these? Who are they from?
FRASIER
My God, what is it with you two? The obvious guess would be Niles unless there's something you're not telling us.
DAPHNE
They're all from Niles?
FRASIER
I guess so.
DAPHNE
I've got to call him. I can't believe he did this.
DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
This places me in a bit of a predicament.
MARTIN
Why?
FRASIER
Well Charlotte's coming around in a while.
MARTIN
So? She doesn't have a rose phobia does she?
FRASIER
The point I'm making is that the bunch of flowers I've bought her are going to seem a bit of a minimalist gesture and a little insignificant compared to the florist shop that Niles has sent over here.
MARTIN
Then get her something else.
FRASIER
I would Dad, but you know how competitive Niles can get. If he knows I'm trying to improve my gift then he'll think I'm just trying to out-do him and it'll end up with us competing.
MARTIN
Then don't tell him.
FRASIER
Oh Dad why do you always… (THINKS) have the best ideas.
DAPHNE ENTERS TALKING ON THE PHONE AND SMELLS THE FLOWERS
DAPHNE
Oh Niles they're wonderful, but you shouldn't have.
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I only wish you were here so that I could thankyou in person.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE
NILES
OK
DAPHNE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM
MARTIN
I'm telling you Frasier, don't let him know, because your brother paid very close attention and learnt from the master, me. And no one was better than me at this.
AS NILES SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: 'CHEQUE BOOKS AT THE READY'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3
(Charlotte, Frasier, Roz, Todd, Niles, Daphne)
FRASIER AND CHARLOTTE SIT DRINKING COFFEE
CHARLOTTE
And then the rabbit says, back away from me you money-grabbing hoe before I call the pumpkin seller. Oh come on Frasier, you have to think that one was funny.
FRASIER
Believe me I'm laughing on the inside.
CHARLOTTE
My parole officer nearly burst a gut laughing at it.
FRASIER
Yes, Charlotte, about that small matter…
CHARLOTTE
I've told you Frasier there's no need to worry, I take my medication now.
ENTER ROZ AND TODD
ROZ
Hi guys.
FRASIER
Hi Roz.
ROZ
Frasier, Charlotte, I want you to meet Todd.
FRASIER
Hello Todd, a pleasure to meet you.
CHARLOTTE
Hi.
TODD
Can I get anyone a coffee?
ROZ
Please.
TODD
I'll be back in a minute.
TODD MOVES OVER TO THE COUNTER
ROZ
So what do you think?
FRASIER
I haven't had long enough yet, I'll write up my full report later and send it to you.
ROZ
Couldn't you just bite those cheeks?
FRASIER
I'm going to have to say no. And I'd advice you to think the same if this relationship is going to last longer than a tetanus shot.
ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE
NILES
Hello everyone. Do you mind if we join you?
FRASIER
Not at all, the more the merrier. Charlotte, you remember my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne.
CHARLOTTE
Of course. I don't think I've ever seen so many flowers.
NILES
I'll get us a coffee.
ROZ
No need, Todd bring over two latte's please.
NILES
You know that man?
ROZ
Yes, we've been kind of dating.
NILES
Oh.
ROZ
Wait what does that mean?
NILES
Nothing.
ROZ
Oh come on you know something don't you?
NILES
Not at all.
ROZ
He's one of your patients isn't he?
NILES
Pressing your heel on my foot is not going to make me tell you. But pressing that hard will. Yes, all right he is a patient, end of discussion, don't let on you know.
ROZ
What's his problem?
NILES
Roz I can't tell you that. Apart from violating my ethics it's doctor, patient confidentiality, I'm ashamed I've let on he's a patient.
ROZ
If he's some sick, decapitated bunny loving wack job I want to know before you find my body on top of the Space Needle sown inside a dead horse.
NILES
You can make anything sound bad. I'm sorry Roz, no.
ROZ
Niles!
NILES
No
ROZ
Niles!
ROZ'S HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE IN NILES' GENERAL DIRECTION. HE FLINCHES AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN.
NILES
Ahhhh. Issue's with his mother.
ROZ
Norman Bates kind of issues?
NILES
He feels she's been suffocating him.
ROZ LETS GO AND PLACES HER HAND BACK ON THE TABLE
ROZ
Now was that so hard?
NILES
My God Roz, have you never heard of a nail file?
TODD BRINGS THE COFFEE'S OVER
TODD
And here's your coffee's.
TODD NOTICES NILES AND BECOMES QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE
TODD (CONT'D)
Ooh Roz, mind if we sit at another table?
ROZ
I guess not.
ROZ AND TODD MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE
DAPHNE
Do your patients normally run away from you that fast?
NILES
It's awkward for them.
CHARLOTTE
Especially after the money he pays you and then he's just bought you coffee as well.
DAPHNE
I do like those earrings Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
Thankyou, Frasier bought them for me.
DAPHNE
How wonderful.
NILES
Yes wonderful. Frasier can I have a word with you for a moment.
FRASIER
Of course. Ladies if you'll excuse us.
NILES AND FRASIER MOVE OVER TO THE COUNTER
NILES
What is the matter with you?
FRASIER
There's nothing wrong with me, you're the one who brought us over here.
NILES
I mean Charlotte.
FRASIER
Oh that wasn't true Niles, it was just a rumour. And anyway two jury's found her not guilty.
NILES
I didn't mean that.
FRASIER
Well I think she may be some sort of sexual obsessive, but after all I am a skilled therapist. I may be able to encourage it.
NILES
I meant the jewellery.
FRASIER
I know it is a bit garish but she likes it.
NILES
Please understand Frasier before one of us dies. Did you have to flash it in front of Daphne? My flowers seem a bit cliché and unimaginative compared to the stocks you've just bought in Harry Winston's. Especially as we've been together ten months and you've been together, what, two days.
FRASIER
Niles, don't worry about it, Daphne probably hasn't even thought of it like that.
DAPHNE WALKS TO THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP A FRESH JUG OF CREAM
DAPHNE
My God, if you buy her that after two days Dr. Crane are we to expect children by Easter?
DAPHNE GOES BACK TO THE TABLE
NILES
Perfect. Now I have to think of something else.
FRASIER
Just forget about it Niles. Daphne knows you love her, isn't that enough.
NILES
No.
FRASIER
Well if you're going to try to think of something better than flowers, trust me it's not easy.
NILES
Wait a minute. You told me you were just going to buy Charlotte a bouquet of roses.
FRASIER
Did I? Oh well I changed my mind.
NILES
Did you? Because I bought my girlfriend the most extravagant gift you had to try to out-do me.
FRASIER
You're being ridiculous.
NILES
Am I? Then you won't mind if I go out and buy Daphne something else will you?
FRASIER
Not at all.
NILES AND FRASIER MOVE BACK TO THE TABLE
NILES
Daphne, I've just thought of something. I have a little surprise for you that I have to pick up. So I'll come around later.
DAPHNE
OK, bye love.
THEY KISS BEFORE NILES EXITS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Ooh I wonder what it could be.
CHARLOTTE
How exciting. Do you have any idea what it is?
DAPHNE
Not at all.
CHARLOTTE
You're so lucky.
FRASIER
Charlotte, I've just thought of something. I have a little surprise for you…
AS FRASIER FINISHES HIS SENTENCE AND EXITS WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier)
MARTIN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER NILES
NILES
Hi Dad.
MARTIN
Hay Niles.
NILES
Ooh what's in there?
MARTIN
Some flowers I bought for Mary for Valentine's day.
NILES
Then Dad you should be keeping them in water and in the sunlight, not wrapped up in tissue paper in a credenza.
MARTIN
It's OK, they're plastic flowers.
NILES
Oh, why… why… why?
MARTIN
Why what?
NILES
Just in general, why?
MARTIN
So what's in the bag?
NILES
A present I got for Daphne. Feast your eyes on this.
HE OPENS UP THE SMALL BOX
MARTIN
Wow, Niles that must have cost you a fortune.
NILES
Well it was either buy Daphne this or spend the money on an extensive breeding programme that would prevent the extinction of seventeen variety's of mammals in the wild. I think I made the right decision.
MARTIN
It's not an engagement ring is it?
NILES
No not yet, but watch this space. So is Daphne in her room?
MARTIN
Yes. You boys are certainly going all out this year.
NILES GOES TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM BUT THEN STOPS IN HIS TRACKS
NILES
What do you mean by that?
MARTIN
Frasier was around here with Charlotte earlier showing me this antique watch that he bought her. It used to belong to the royal family.
NILES
Really? Did Daphne hear this?
MARTIN
Yeah, she was really impressed.
NILES
Damn him.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Niles, hello.
NILES
Oh hi Daphne.
DAPHNE
With that welcome, be still my beating heart. What's the matter?
NILES
Oh nothing, I'm sorry.
DAPHNE
What's in that box?
NILES
Just something I was considering giving you for Valentine's but it doesn't truly express my feeling's for you.
DAPHNE
Oh Niles, I'm sure what ever it is, it's fine.
NILES
It's not honestly it's hideous.
DAPHNE
Plastic flowers are hideous. And anyway you have the most exquisite taste.
NILES
I do when it comes to women.
DAPHNE
So can I see it then?
NILES
I guess so, but I'm taking it back to get you something grander.
NILES HANDS HER THE BOX
DAPHNE
Oh my God Niles, it's magnificent.
NILES
You deserve so much more. I'm taking it back.
DAPHNE
Could I at least wear it until then?
NILES
Why would you want that monstrosity?
DAPHNE
Oh Niles, please.
SHE KISSES HIM
NILES
I don't know how I could refuse.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Hi Dad. What's up with those two?
MARTIN
You should see the ring he just bought her. You could sell it and fund the Space programme for the next twenty years with the proceeds.
FRASIER
And she likes it?
MARTIN
What woman wouldn't?
FRASIER
Damn him.
AS FRASIER EXITS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Martin)
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER ROZ
FRASIER
Oh hi Roz, what can I do for you?
ROZ
Nothing. Is Niles here?
FRASIER
I don't think so.
ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN
ROZ
Daphne do you know where Niles is?
DAPHNE
He did have a patient but he said he'd be around later this afternoon. Why?
ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH
ROZ
I just need to talk to him about Todd.
DAPHNE
Todd? Why?
ROZ
Last night he woke me up screaming some other woman's name in his sleep.
DAPHNE
Oh and you want to see if he's said anything to Niles.
FRASIER
Oh come on Roz haven't you made him breach his ethics enough over the last couple of days?
ROZ
I just want to know if this woman he was screaming about is the competition or with any luck his mother.
FRASIER
His mother? Are you seriously telling me that you'd prefer him to shouting out his mother's name in his sleep then him seeing someone else?
ROZ
If he was shouting his mother's name during sex then I'd be concerned. But the one thing that I've learnt through relationships is that it's better to be the cheater than the cheatee.
DAPHNE
For a couple of reasons.
ROZ
And I don't like being cheated on. If anyone has to do the cheating, I want it to be me.
DAPHNE
Well I'm sure he'll be here soon. He cancelled all his other patients so that we could spend the afternoon together.
ROZ
Ahh that's so sweet.
FRASIER
Oh you're impressed by that? You're here just in time to be so impressed, you'll want to crown me as your leader and parade me around the streets on your shoulders.
FRASIER TURNS ON THE RADIO. WE HEAR THE END OF A SONG PLAYING
DJ
And that song goes out to Charlotte this Valentine's day from Frasier Crane.
FRASIER TURNS OFF THE RADIO
FRASIER
So are you impressed?
ROZ
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh yeah, wow, you requested a song on the radio, talk about mission impossible.
FRASIER
And what does that mean?
DAPHNE
You work on the radio. It's not particularly impressive when your average Joe does it let alone when someone who actually works there does it. It would be like me giving a massage as a surprise for Valentine's day.
ROZ
Actually Daph that's not a bad idea.
DAPHNE
I was just thinking that, if the evening happens to take that turn.
ROZ
If you do that, the evening will take that turn.
FRASIER
Well let's just see if Charlotte was impressed.
FRASIER DIALS THE PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Hello Charlotte. Where you listening to KACL just? What do you mean no? What were you doing? You didn't need to go into detail. Saying you were in the bathroom was good enough. Well never mind. OK, bye.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE
ROZ
And what were you thinking broadcasting to the whole of Seattle that you've been dating her?
FRASIER
What's wrong with that?
ROZ
Frasier you know all about her reputation.
FRASIER
As I've already told Niles, two jury's found her not guilty.
ROZ
I meant her being a sexaholic.
FRASIER
What's the big deal? I can learn to accept her little peccadillo.
DAPHNE
She has a pet peccadillo? One of those things with a snout and a scaly back?
FRASIER
Those are armadillos. And what's the big deal about being a sexaholic? I've heard that word used in the same sentence as your name.
ROZ
Every other guy on the street is going to be able to stop you and compare notes.
FRASIER
Oh like they do with you.
ROZ
That was a cheap shot and I am not cheap.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES
DAPHNE
Hello.
ROZ
Good Niles, I need to talk to you.
NILES
Not now Roz.
ROZ
Don't make me hurt you again, remember I have a grip of steel.
NILES
Just wait for one moment Roz. Daphne come out on to the balcony with me.
NILES TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND AND THEY EXIT ONTO THE BALCONY
FRASIER
What's he done now, erected a billboard across the road declaring his love.
ROZ
Just face it, he's better at this than you.
FRASIER
Never. I will never admit it because it's not true. Not true I tell you.
ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Roz, Dr. Crane, you've got to come and see this.
DAPHNE, ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT ON TO THE BALCONY AND STARE UP AT THE SKY. AFTER A MOMENT, FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
What's going on?
FRASIER
Oh nothing much. Niles just hired a plane to write 'I Love You Daphne' in the sky.
MARTIN
Wow, really? I told you, he learnt from the master.
FRASIER
I would hardly call a man who buys plastic roses the master of romance. The master of cheapness maybe.
SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Hello? Oh Charlotte. Yes I did see it. It's a very romantic thing to do isn't it? Ok, I'll see you later.
FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE, PICKS UP A COUCH CUSHION AND SHOUTS INTO IT.
MARTIN
Frasier don't drawl on the couch cushions. You'll set a bad example for Eddie.
FRASIER
It's one o'clock.
MARTIN
Frasier, you're a psychiatrist, you don't need a part time position as the voice of the speaking clock. If you're running short on money, remember I have a pension.
FRASIER
I have to be in work in an hour, what can I possibly find in that time to top this?
MARTIN
Oh come on Frasier, this is stupid.
FRASIER
To a man who buys plastic roses for a woman on Valentine's day it may be. You should have heard Charlotte. I will not let him beat me. I'll see you later.
FRASIER EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Where's Frasier gone?
ENTER NILES
MARTIN
To try to find something better than the calligraphy in sky out there.
ENTER DAPHNE
NILES
He did what?
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
NILES
Oh nothing. Daphne I have to go out for just an hour.
DAPHNE
But I thought we were going to spend the afternoon together.
NILES
And we will, but I just need to pick up something else for dinner, I shouldn't be more than an hour.
DAPHNE
Ok then.
THEY KISS BEFORE NILES MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR FOLLOWED BY ROZ
ROZ
Niles before you go, I need to talk to you about Todd.
NILES
No, Roz.
ROZ
Niles!
NILES
No.
EXIT NILES AND ROZ. AFTER A MOMENT WE HEAR NILES SHOUT. ENTER ROZ
ROZ
I don't know why he didn't just give in. Look damn it I broke a nail.
DAPHNE
Is it another woman?
ROZ
A childhood pet cat. He kept it in a box in his cupboard for seven years after it died when he was a teenager.
DAPHNE
And that's not at all disturbing.
AS DAPHNE GOES TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'IT GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "DOGGIE BAG"'
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Martin, Mary, Todd, Maitre'd, Roz)
MARTIN AND MARY SIT IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT. TODD AND ROZ STAND IN THE BACKGROUND TALKING TO THE MAITRE'D BY THE ENTRANCE
MARTIN
Frasier doesn't seem to think they'll find a cure. It's best that you take it out of your freezer and bury it.
MARY
In all honesty I lost track of him a few months ago.
MARTIN
How?
MARY
I bought a large piece of ham for Christmas when my family came to see me. I forgot to label the bags properly. It'll teach me to prepare a meal without wearing my glasses. Still it cleared out my digestive system like a charm. Martin you look positively horrified. This doesn't improve my chances for getting a second date, does it?
MARTIN
Nope, or a goodnight kiss.
MARY
Pardon?
MARTIN
Look here's dinner. Oh my God!
MARY
What's the matter?
MARTIN
I just remembered, I had lunch at your apartment over Christmas.
MARY
I know, that's why I was hesitant about bringing the subject up.
MARTIN
Because I might bring my dinner up? That explains why it was so chewy and covered in gristle and the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted.
TODD
I don't believe this. How could you loose our reservation? On tonight of all nights?
MAITRE'D
I am so sorry Sir.
ROZ
Look, there's Martin, maybe we can share his table.
TODD
I booked this weeks ago. I think it's a disgrace the way we've been treated.
MAITRE'D
I apologise once again Sir, here have a mint.
TODD
I don't want a mint I want a table.
ROZ WALKS TO MARTIN'S TABLE
ROZ
Hi Martin.
MARTIN RISES TO GREET HER
MARTIN
Oh hi Roz.
ROZ
I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner.
MARTIN
Oh no please do.
ROZ
They lost our reservation and I was kind of hoping that we could maybe share your table.
MARY
I don't really think…
MARTIN
Sure Roz, bring him over.
ROZ WALKS BACK TO TODD TO BRING HIM TO THE TABLE
MARY
This is because of the dog isn't it?
MARTIN
Partly.
MARY
He was a beloved family pet Martin. If I can get over it, why can't you?
ROZ AND TODD APPROACH THE TABLE
MARTIN
Roz, come and sit down.
ROZ
Martin this is Todd, Todd this is Martin, and I'd introduce you to this lady but we haven't been introduced yet.
TODD STARES AT MARY WITH A LOOK OF HORROR
TODD
Oh my God.
MARTIN
It's OK, it may look like a tattoo of Elvis but it's actually an unusually shaped birthmark.
ROZ
And that makes it better?
MARY
What are you doing here?
TODD
I'm allowed out of my room sometimes you know. I can't be chained to the radiator all my life.
MARY
You ungrateful little swine. At least I give you a roof over your head.
TODD
And you hardly let me out from under it.
ROZ
I take it you two know each other.
TODD
I'm her son.
MARY
You're no son of mine, the way you've treated me.
TODD
I'm sorry but is it so wrong to want to pursue a career in medicine rather than circus performing? You've got your way anyway, I've traded in my stethoscope for a pair of oversized shoes.
MARY
You let the whole family down. You've been a disappointment to me the moment you stuck that evil little face out of my womb.
TODD
Nothing I do is good enough for you is it?
MARY
Don't point all the blame at me. I'm not listening.
MARY PUTS HER FINGERS IN HER EARS AND STARTS TO SING EXTREMELY LOUDLY
TODD
Why can't you let me lead my own life?
TODD BREAKS DOWN AND STARTS SOBBING INTO THE TABLE CLOTH
A BEAT AS MARTIN AND ROZ STARE AT THEM
MARTIN
How does a drink at McGuinty's sound?
ROZ
Better and better every time he sobs.
AS MARTIN AND ROZ GO TO LEAVE WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: 'WHAT WOULD HE HAVE DONE IF IT WAS CLOUDY?'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4
(Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Charlotte, Martin)
DAPHNE LAYS THE TABLE AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY
DAPHNE
Are your sure you don't mind going out tonight Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
Of course not. I hope you two have a wonderful evening. Where is Niles anyway?
DAPHNE
He's in the kitchen. He's insisting on cooking for us tonight. So when are you off to pick up Charlotte?
FRASIER
In about ten minutes. So while I have some time, I'll show you the (SHOUTS) surprise I have for her.
ENTER NILES FROM THE KITCHEN
NILES
Surprise? What surprise?
FRASIER
Oh Niles I didn't realise you were here.
NILES
What surprise?
FRASIER
I'm going to be taking my vacation early this year.
DAPHNE
Why's that?
FRASIER
Because in two days time I'm flying to Paris with Charlotte for the weekend where we will be spending an utterly romantic time at the Ritz.
DAPHNE
That sounds wonderful. Does she know yet?
FRASIER
I'm going to surprise her with it over dinner.
DAPHNE
How romantic.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
(SMUGLY) What do you think of me know?
NILES
Frasier what is your problem?
FRASIER
You've been doing it as well.
NILES
But I haven't been rubbing it in Charlotte's face. What you've just done is down right mean.
FRASIER
Oh I'm sorry Niles, does it make you look bad?
NILES
I want you to know that you've forced me into this. I was going to save it for her birthday but you've left me no alternative.
FRASIER
Oh now Niles, just admit defeat. Don't turn this into another saga like Dad's birthday horse.
NILES
It's too late for that, there's already a horse involved and you're insisting on showering her in gifts.
FRASIER
How dare you speak about Charlotte that way? Admittedly yes, if she was going to bleach her hair she should have bleached her moustache to match, but that is no reason to take cheep shots and continue this debacle.
NILES
I didn't start this, but I'm not going to give up now.
FRASIER
What are you going to do?
NILES
Watch and learn and then later when you're alone, weep.
FRASIER
I don't care you can't top this.
NILES
Daphne.
FRASIER
Ha, I win.
ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Yes love?
NILES
I know you'll tell me that I shouldn't have, but I wanted to. Come over to the window.
DAPHNE
What is it?
NILES LEADS HER TO THE WINDOW AND THEN LOOKS INTO THE TELESCOPE
NILES
Just a second my love.
DAPHNE
This is so exciting, it's giving me goose bumps.
FRASIER
I'm sure Charlotte will have the same reaction as we sip champagne in old Paris.
NILES
OK, take a look in there.
DAPHNE LOOKS THROUGH THE TELESCOPE
NILES (CONT'D)
Do you see the two stars to the right of the Big Dipper?
DAPHNE
Yes.
NILES
Look at the one on the right.
FRASIER
Oh my God you haven't?
NILES
Do you see it?
DAPHNE
Yes.
NILES
Good, because I've had it named after you.
FRASIER
He has. The little twerp has.
DAPHNE
You're joking?
NILES
Nope, for all eternity that star will be known as Daphne Moon.
DAPHNE
I can't believe you did this.
NILES
Wait, wait, I'm not done. Now look at the one next to it, on the left. I had them name that one Niles Crane. Now we'll be together forever up in the heavens, of course as long as one of them doesn't implode.
DAPHNE HUGS HIM AS NILES LOOKS SMUGLY OVER HER SHOULDER AT FRASIER
DAPHNE
Oh my God. You are just the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life. I just wish it hadn't taken me seven years to realise that. Let's go outside and look at them.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT ON TO THE BALCONY
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
ENTER FRASIER
FRASIER
Ok Frasier, so he's better than you at one thing. It's just one thing. You are far superior at almost everything else. Like cooking.
FRASIER TASTES THE SAUCE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Although this is actually quite good. Well it was. It would be a shame if the paprika and chilli pepper were to accidentally fly out of the cupboards and into the pot and then place themselves neatly back on the shelf again. It happens all the time, Martha Stewart has a horrific time with it. Why just the other day she said… oh shut up Frasier and just do it.
FRASIER TAKES TWO CONTAINERS OUT OF THE CUPBOARD AND EMPTIES THE CONTENTS IN THE SAUCEPAN. HE THEN STIRS IT IN AND PLACES THE CONTAINERS BACK IN THE CUPBOARD
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh what a shame. Not quite as perfect as you thought are you Niles?
SFX: DOORBELL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER CHARLOTTE
FRASIER
Charlotte. What are you doing here? I was just on my around to pick you up.
ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Oh hi Charlotte. You'll never guess what Niles has done.
CHARLOTTE
Oh hi Daphne. Look it's Daphne.
DAPHNE
He named a star after me.
CHARLOTTE
Oh sometimes I just want to pinch you to see if you're real.
NILES FLINCHES AND BACKS AWAY FROM HER
NILES
You don't have to, trust me I am.
FRASIER
I actually have a surprise for you Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
Oh Frasier you're here. I didn't see you.
FRASIER
Are you drunk?
CHARLOTTE
Just a little. Which means I have a surprise for you Frasier and I don't think you're going to like it.
FRASIER
You're not going to vomit on me are you?
CHARLOTTE
I went drinking with Greg the security guard from the station because he was a little upset because he's girlfriend's just left him.
FRASIER
There's no crime in that. Offering him a shoulder to cry on in his hour of need.
CHARLOTTE
But we got a little drunk and… and…
FRASIER
And what?
CHARLOTTE
And a little married.
FRASIER
I see.
CHARLOTTE
And although I'd like to go out with you tonight Frasier, I think I really should spend my wedding night with my husband.
FRASIER
Only if you want to conform to tradition.
CHARLOTTE
Goodbye.
CHARLOTTE EXITS
NILES
I'm sorry Frasier.
DAPHNE
Me too Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
It's OK, I'm fine. I wasn't really expecting it to go anywhere. She was just a warm available breathing body that said yes.
NILES
Yes, I've noticed the more desperate you get the less fussy you get.
FRASIER
But don't worry, I'll still get out of your hair. I'll be gone in a minute.
DAPHNE
There's no rush.
NILES
I'll just check on dinner.
NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Oh but now there is.
NILES SUDDENLY STARTS COUGHING FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Niles what's the matter?
ENTER NILES WHO TRIES TO SPEAK BUT CAN'T. HE THEN PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF WINE AND DRINKS FROM IT. HE THEN TRIES TO SPEAK AGAIN BUT STILL FAILS SO HE TAKES ANOTHER BIG SWIG AND BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh spit it out!
NILES VIRTUALLY DOES A SPIT TAKE SPRAYING WHITE WINE EVERYWHERE
FRASIER
Not on the carpet!
NILES COUGH AND THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH
NILES
Someone's put a vat of spice in the sauce.
DAPHNE
Who would do something like that?
NILES
Frasier?
FRASIER
What don't look at me, it could have been Eddie.
NILES
He doesn't have opposable thumbs how could he open the containers?
DAPHNE
I think you're also missing the obvious…
NILES
Like how could he have got up there to do it in the first place?
DAPHNE
I actually meant him being a dog.
FRASIER
All right it wasn't Eddie, it was me.
NILES
We'd established that. I can't believe you did this, just because I beat you.
DAPHNE
Beat him at what?
FRASIER
But did you have to flaunt it in my face?
NILES
Did you have to flaunt everything that you've done over the last couple of days in my face? Why do you insist on turning everything into a contest?
FRASIER
I do not. Anyway you started it.
NILES
I did not start it, you're the one who made the first upgrade to dress that woman up as some sort of chandelier.
FRASIER
Well why don't you just admit that you've just been over compensating, buying all these extravagant gifts and trying to out-do me because of your lack of a sex life.
DAPHNE
Oh my God is this what it's all about?
NILES
Not at all Daphne, I just wanted to find another way to express my emotion for you.
FRASIER
Because he didn't want to be out-done by his brother who's been seeing a woman a matter of days, not been in love with a woman for years.
NILES
Then why were you constantly competing with me?
FRASIER
I didn't want to look bad. I admit it's shallow but I didn't want to be beaten by my little brother.
DAPHNE
I don't believe you've spent all this money for this. You know what fine. If it's so important to you that you beat your brother, let's do something that he won't be doing tonight. Niles, let's go and have sex and we're not coming out of my room until we have.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
NILES
Do you see how much trouble you've got me into now, this competing has got to stop. You've got to learn Frasier that you can't be best at everything.
FRASIER
Niles, did you not hear what she just said?
NILES
Good, you heard that too.
NILES RUNS TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM BUT STOPS BY THE PIANO AND RUNS BACK TO FRASIER
NILES (CONT'D)
Since you and Charlotte have technically broken up now…
FRASIER
Here you go, give my regards to Paris.
FRASIER GIVES HIM THE TICKETS
NILES
Thankyou.
NILES RUNS AND EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS HOLDING HIS STOMACH
FRASIER
Oh hi Dad, you're back kind of early, I was just going out to give them some privacy. So how was dinner?
MARTIN
I ate a dead dog.
FRASIER
I didn't think you were eating at that Cantonese restaurant.
MARTIN
I think I'm going to be sick.
FRASIER
And a happy Valentine's day to you too Dad.
AS MARTIN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN AND FRASIER SIT EATING BREAKFAST AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM. DAPHNE SMILES AT THEM AND THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. NILES SITS AT THE TABLE AND SMILES SMUGLY AS DAPHNE RE-ENTERS WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE. FRASIER THEN HOLDS HIS HAND IN FRONT OF MARTIN. MARTIN THEN SIGHS AND GIVES FRASIER A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL. NILES' MOUTH DROPS OPEN THAT THE THOUGHT OF THEM BETTING ON HIS SEX LIFE AS DAPHNE NUDGES HIM AND PUTS HER HAND IN FRONT OF HIM. NILES TAKES A TWENTY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO DAPHNE AS FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH LOOK ON DISMAYED AT THE THOUGHT OF THEM BETTING ON THE PROBABILITY OF THEMSELVES BETTING.
