I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.

A big congratulations to Elaine for finishing her exams.

Feedback is appreciated but also at the same time may cause me to have a small stroke from the surprise of receiving any.

Enjoy…


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Thirteen
Crane Fear

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Kurt (V.O), Roz)

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDE OF THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE AIR WITH A CALLER.

FRASIER

What?

KURT

I'm sorry is that wrong Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Of course it's wrong Kurt, for God's sake, do you even need to ask? Now stop it!

KURT

Its not like I went out and intentionally ran them over. They're dumb animals it's not like I run over groups of nun's and children playing jump rope.

FRASIER

That doesn't matter.

FRASIER HANGS UP ON KURT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

My God, can you believe that? This man without any consideration for nature and local wildlife has been spray painting racoon and rabbit road kill and selling them as part of his artwork. Well people of Seattle I would look very closely at anything that you've purchased off Kurt as you may find the innocent eyes of a real racoon staring back at you, not one purchased from the toy store. Although most of you deserve it if you think of a bright blue rabbit impaled by a pogo stick as art. Well that's all for today Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH

ROZ

I should start to be more careful who you bad mouth on the air. You don't want another half eaten squirrel in your exhaust again.

FRASIER

And did you know they still haven't prosecuted him for that yet. The man practically confessed to it on the air before he did it.

ROZ

Oh quit complaining. Did you have to fish it out with a pair of chopsticks and a panty liner? I don't think so.

FRASIER

I sent you some flowers didn't I?

ROZ

Anyway this should cheer you up.

FRASIER

I'm flattered with the offer Roz, but no. Besides I wouldn't want to spoil it for you with other men.

ROZ

That's not what I was talking about. And oh, by the way, in your dreams. One of your callers sent you these tickets over as a thankyou.

ROZ GIVES HIM A LETTER

FRASIER

Which caller?

ROZ

Claire who was on the show on Monday.

FRASIER

Claire who had trouble arousing her husband, Claire?

ROZ

That's right.

FRASIER

Oh my advice must have worked then.

ROZ

I just got off the phone with her and with the way she was panting and out of breath I'd say your advice was working right now.

FRASIER

That's a little more than I wanted to know.

ROZ

Believe me it was a little more than what I wanted to hear. He was squealing like a pig and yelling 'ride me big Momma'.

FRASIER

A friend of yours then was he Roz? Taking that into consideration I'm almost afraid to see what these are for. Oh look Roz, it's five tickets to attend a Murder Mystery Weekend out in the country.

ROZ

Well that sounds kind of dull. It must match the response she's been getting.

FRASIER

Oh no really Roz, I've been to one before, they're a lot of fun. Hay why don't you come with me. I can invite Dad and Niles and Daphne along too. Come on it'll be fun.

ROZ

Erm…Ok sure, why not? Rick's been bugging me to have Alice again so she can stay with his parents.

FRASIER

Are you sure she's perfectly safe with them?

ROZ

Of course, why do you say that? I'm not sure I'd trust him on his own, but his parents are with him.

FRASIER

I was just concerned that between Rick's hockey stick and his parent's noses, they might have her eye out.

AS FRASIER EXITS HIS BOOTH WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'BREATHING APPARATUS AT THE READY'

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION — DAY — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Manager)

THE RECEPTION OF THE HOTEL HAS THE ENTRANCE TO THE RIGHT AND THE DESK TO THE LEFT WITH A CORRIDOR LEADING TO THE ELEVATORS AND THE REST OF THE HOTEL ON THE BACK CENTRE WALL. THE DÉCOR IS THAT OF 1930'S HOLLYWOOD MIXED WITH SOME SORT OF WILDERNESS LODGE WITH SEVERAL TROPHY ANIMALS ON DISPLAY. TO ADD AGE TO THE HOTEL THERE IS A LOT OF DUST AND ARTIFICIAL COBWEBS COVERING ALMOST EVERYTHING. IN OTHER WORDS THE IDEAL PLACE FOR A MURDER.

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) I still don't believe you've dragged me along to this thing. I can be trusted to be left at home on my own you know.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Oh come on Dad, it's going to be fun. We get to piece together the clues and try to uncover the murderer before the murderer tries to dispose of us.

ENTER MARTIN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A SMALL BAG

MARTIN

I did that for thirty years. You forget I was a cop. It'd be like driving a taxi for thirty years and wanting to retire to drive a Winnebago around the country.

ENTER FRASIER ALSO CARRYING A BAG. HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE RECEPTION AND FREEZES WITH HORROR

FRASIER

Oh my God.

ENTER DAPHNE AND NILES WHO IS CARRYING A SUITCASE

NILES

Oh what sweet hell is this?

DAPHNE

Oh it's not so bad, it just has a few dust bunnies.

ENTER ROZ CARRYING A BAG

FRASIER

Bunnies? I think the appropriate term is a herd of dust wildebeest.

ROZ

Oh quit complaining, it adds character.

FRASIER

Oh yes what a novel idea, encouraging people to pay to spend the weekend in squalor. I'm surprised they haven't decided to hold this thing down town under a bridge with the hobo's and the rats.

DAPHNE

It makes it look as if a murder could really have been committed here.

NILES

Along with several hundred-health violations.

NILES TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF AND COVERS HIS MOUTH AND NOSE

DAPHNE

What are you doing?

NILES

The air is full of dust and I don't have my air purifier.

DAPHNE

Bloody good job too with the racket it makes. I thought we were having an earthquake the other night when I woke up and the bed was vibrating. I was half way across the room, dragging you with me, and under the doorframe when I noticed it was leaning up the corner of the bed.

FRASIER

Oh that's what that noise was.

DAPHNE

Why what did you think it was?

FRASIER

Oh nothing I was just giving Niles undue praise.

MARTIN

Can you psychiatrist's talk about anything that doesn't start with the crotch?

FRASIER

Like a retirement home for example. They don't seem overly anxious to check us in. Hello? Where is everyone?

NILES

Well it's a safe bet to guess that they're not cleaning.

MARTIN

Sometimes I don't know why you two don't just live in a big disinfected glass bubble.

THE MANAGER ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE DESK

MANAGER

Hello, may I help you?

FRASIER

Yes, we have a reservation under Crane.

MANAGER

May I see your tickets please Sir?

FRASIER

Of course.

FRASIER PRODUCES THE TICKETS FROM HIS POCKET WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — DAY — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Martin)

NILES LEANS FORWARD WITH ONE HAND PRESSED UP THE WALL FOR SUPPORT AND GASPING FOR BREATH AS DAPHNE AND FRASIER LOOK ON

DAPHNE

Niles, just breath. There was nothing wrong with the bloody lift.

NILES

You didn't feel at all claustrophobic?

DAPHNE

Only when you started to cling to me.

FRASIER

I only booked four rooms as I presumed you two would be sharing.

DAPHNE

Not if he keeps this up we won't be.

FRASIER GIVES NILES THE KEY, SMILES AND LAUGHS AT DAPHNE AND THEN EXITS TO THE ROOM TO THE LEFT OF NILES AND DAPHNE'S

NILES

All right I've stopped.

NILES PUTS THE KEY IN THE LOCK AND TURNS IT BUT THEN NOTICING THE DUST ON THE DOOR KNOB HESITATES ABOUT TOUCHING IT WITH HIS BARE HAND

DAPHNE

Are you going to open the door then?

NILES

Yes my love. Ooh look at that lovely painting.

NILES POINTS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. DAPHNE TURNS TO LOOK AS NILES QUICKLY TAKES HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND USES IT TO OPEN THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S HOTEL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER LOOKS AROUND HIS ROOM. THE DÉCOR MATCHES THE RECEPTION DOWN TO THE COBWEBS AND THE STUFFED ANIMALS. TO THE RIGHT IS THE CONNECTING DOOR TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM, TO THE LEFT IS THE CONNECTING DOOR TO ROZ'S ROOM AND ON THE BACK WALL NEXT TO THE BED IS A DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE BATHROOM. ABOVE THE BED MOUNTED ON THE WALL IS A LARGE MOOSE HEAD. ENTER ROZ THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR

ROZ

Frasier will you switch rooms with me?

FRASIER

Why?

ROZ

I've got a dead bear staring at me in my room.

FRASIER

So, I've got a moose in mine.

ROZ

But no one was ever mauled to death by a moose.

FRASIER

No one was ever mauled to death by a dead bear either.

ROZ

Frasier!

FRASIER

Oh very well if you insist.

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR BUT IS STOPPED BY MARTIN WHO ENTERS THROUGH IT

MARTIN

Wow, have you got any animals in your room? It's like being in a nature reserve.

FRASIER

Yes Dad, scarcely does a day go by out in the woods when you don't see a moose's head welded to a wooden board walking by with that vacant expression on it's face.

ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

MARTIN

There's hundred's of little eyes staring at me.

FRASIER

It's like a room full of dead Eddie's. Something that before now I've only dreamed of.

ENTER ROZ

ROZ

Oh my God, this is taking things a little too far.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

ROZ

They have Norman Bates on the shower curtains and pools of blood painted on the floor.

FRASIER

That's a bit distasteful.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

ROZ

Not as distasteful as the noose hanging from the doorframe.

MARTIN

This place is great.

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER

This place is appalling. Remind me never to stop in a hotel again without taking a bottle bleach for the toilet.

MARTIN

Frasier, its character.

FRASIER

Will you stop saying that.

DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR FROM HER ROOM WITH HER HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER

DAPHNE

Can I use your bathroom?

ROZ

Sure. What's wrong with yours?

DAPHNE

Niles locked himself in there until I caught a spider. Now he won't let me in there to flush it away.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AS NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR

NILES

Has it gone?

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Yes it's gone. God help me if we were ever in real danger.

NILES

Oh honey you know I would defend you against anything…

NILES JUMPS UP ONTO THE BED

NILES (CONT'D)

…except bugs. I've just seen another one run under the dresser.

DAPHNE

Loving you is a bit like being in a lesbian relationship sometimes, you're such a big girl.

NILES

I only have a problem with small creatures. I would gladly wrestle a bear for you.

NILES TURNS TO SEE THE MOOSE HEAD, LITERALLY NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM, STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM FROM ABOVE THE BED. HE SHOUTS AND FALLS FLAT ON THE BED FROM THE SURPRISE

DAPHNE

Can I share with one of you three?

FRASIER PICKS UP A BOOKLET FROM OFF THE DRESSER

FRASIER

Right what's the first event scheduled? Dinner this evening, where the murder will take place and we're introduced to the suspects.

NILES

I wouldn't rule out, probable cause of death, dust inhalation.

MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR

DAPHNE

For God's sake. If you're so worried about breathing in the dust here let me help.

DAPHNE PULLS HIM DOWN OFF THE BED AND KISSES HIM WHILE DRAGGING HIM BY THE HAND BACK TO THEIR ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR. NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

ROZ

I've changed my mind Frasier, can I switch rooms again?

FRASIER

Why?

ROZ

I don't want to sleep next to those two. Hearing their sex life will remind me of the lack of mine.

FRASIER

You forget Daphne lives with me. I know how often that circus comes to town and most of the neighbours know how noisy it can be. So I'm going to have to say no, but thanks for asking.

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Waitress, Policeman, Organist, Lissy, Dinner Guests, Mayor, Senator)

FRASIER, NILES AND MARTIN STAND AT THE BAR AS THE OTHER DINNER GUESTS MILL AROUND. THE MAYOR AND THE SENATOR (BOTH RATHER LARGE MEN) STAND AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM AS THE POLICEMAN, THE ORGANIST AND LISSY ALL TAKE THEIR PLACES TO BEGIN

FRASIER

I've had a word with management and explained who I was in an attempt to have our rooms spruced up a bit.

NILES

And?

FRASIER

He had no idea who I was.

MARTIN

What a shocker.

NILES

So in other words I'm going to have to do it in the dirt?

FRASIER

Oh quit complaining at least you've got someone to do it with. I gave him a twenty and he said he'd see what he could do.

MARTIN

What? He's going to fix you up with a woman? Son that's illegal.

FRASIER

No! Clean our rooms.

NILES

And I actually meant sleep, but now you mention it.

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ

DAPHNE

Have you seen who that is over there?

FRASIER

Good God it's the Mayor.

ROZ

And Senator Pierce.

MARTIN

Oh great, these guys are so soft on crime this mystery will never be solved.

FRASIER

We must go and introduce ourselves

NILES AND FRASIER HEAD TOWARDS THE MAYOR AND THE SENATOR.

ROZ

This place is kind of freaky and I'm still on edge after being burgled.

MARTIN

Then I don't think coming to a murder mystery weekend was the wisest decision.

DAPHNE

Now, no cheating this weekend. Just because you were a Policeman means that you have the advantage.

MARTIN

But I thought you were psychic. Doesn't that give you an unfair advantage in establishing who the murder was?

DAPHNE

Oh I could never use it for such a personal gain. It wouldn't be right.

FRASIER AND NILES WALK BACK OVER

ROZ

So did you say hi?

FRASIER

I did. I introduced myself and…

NILES

He had no idea who he was.

FRASIER

Yes, thankyou Niles. This place can't be so bad. After all both the Mayor and the Senator are here.

NILES

I agree what a splendid idea this was.

MARTIN

I don't believe you two. You've done nothing but complain since you got here.

FRASIER

Just what exactly are you saying?

MARTIN

You'd vote McGinty's international cuisine of the year if it was given a French name and some of your snooty friends started to eat there.

FRASIER

We would not.

NILES

And you can hardly call the menu there international. Unless the pigeons, used in that chicken platter, have been migrating.

DAPHNE

Hay Roz.

ROZ

What?

DAPHNE

Have you noticed the Mayor and the Senator keep staring at you?

ROZ

Have I noticed? They've nearly burnt two holes in my blouse. If they stare any more they are going to have to owe me a new bra.

NILES

Classy to the end aren't you Roz?

MARTIN

I thought they were married.

NILES

Since when has that stopped her?

ROZ

Shut up you weenie.

DAPHNE

Not married to each other I hope. Saying that though if they are its good news for me Uncle Jacky and Aunt David.

WAITRESS

Could everyone please take your seats at the dinning table, so that we may begin.

EVERYONE SITS AT THE LARGE DINNING TABLE. FROM THIS POINT ON THE ACTING OF THE PLAYERS IN THE MURDER MYSTERY IS SO OVER THE TOP IT PUTS ONE IN MIND OF SIR DEREK JACOBI (JACKSON HEADLY) IN 'THE SHOW MUST GO OFF'. THE POLICEMAN STANDS UP.

POLICEMAN

Before your drink orders are taken I have an announcement. There has been a murder in this hotel and you are all suspects.

AN ORGANIST IN THE FAR CORNER PLAYS A FEW BARS TO ADD DRAMATIC EFFECT

LISSY

Oh goodness! A murder?

POLICEMAN

That is right, young lady whom I have never seen before. A murder in this very hotel and it is my job to suspect everybody.

MARTIN

You see this is where I made my mistake. I only suspected the man who was weeping up the back alley covered in blood and holding a chainsaw and part of an ear when that hooker was scattered around that warehouse. It never occurred to me to suspect the little girls playing jump rope three blocks away.

DAPHNE

Now we know how you got shot.

FRASIER

What by the little girls?

LISSY

What is going to happen now?

POLICEMAN

Firstly no one is to leave the hotel. Secondly I will diverge the identity of the victim. Thirdly I want you all to introduce yourselves.

MARTIN

What a bozo. You never tell them who the victim was. This guy wouldn't last five minutes in a real precinct.

FRASIER

Dad, he's an actor. This isn't real. You understand that right? Because I never checked to see if you'd packed your gun.

POLICEMAN

The victim was Mr. Ronald Dean.

LISSY

Oh no, it's my husband.

LISSY THEN BEGINS TO WAIL UNCONTROLLABLY AND EXTREMELY LOUDLY. AS THE ORGANIST TRIES IN VAIN TO PLAY MORE DRAMATIC TUNES ABOVE THE SOBS, FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER VERY UNIMPRESSED AS WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT'

FADE IN:

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Manager, Roz, Daphne, Waitress, Couple, Man)

EVERYONE SITS AS BEFORE EXCEPT FOR MARTIN WHO IS ASLEEP. LISSY STILL WAILS UNCONTROLLABLY, STOPPING EVERY NOW AND AGAIN FOR A DRINK OF WATER BUT THEN STARTS AGAIN AS EVERYONE WATCHES HER WITH EXPRESSIONS OF MIND NUMBING BOREDOM.

FRASIER

Dad, Dad, wake up.

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

You nodded off again.

MARTIN

I had noticed that. I also noticed that you woke me up again. Is she still crying? How much more moisture does that woman have in there?

NILES

Ten more minutes of this and I'll be crying.

MARTIN

See now you wish I'd brought my gun.

MANAGER

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is it for this evening, but keep your eyes open, you never know what might go bump in the night.

ROZ

As long as it's not that moose falling on my head I don't care. Although it may make this more entertaining.

FRASIER

At this point I think an enema might be more entertaining.

DAPHNE

Thank God that's over.

ROZ

I'm going to find the restroom.

ROZ EXITS AS NILES YAWNS

NILES

I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

DAPHNE

Really?

SHE WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO HIS EAR WHICH SUDDENLY MAKES HIM PERK UP

NILES

Does anyone else feel like a double espresso?

WAITRESS WALKS TO THE TABLE

WAITRESS

Can I get anyone another drink?

FRASIER

Oh yes please.

NILES

I'll have a…

DAPHNE WHISPERS AGAIN IN HIS EAR UNTIL A SMILE BEAMS ACROSS HIS FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

You know what, I'm fine, I'll just finish this, then I'm off to bed. No wait, do you happen to have any of those energy sports drinks?

FRASIER

(TO THE COUPLE SITTING NEXT TO HIM WHO HAVE BEEN WATCHING NILES AND DAPHNE) It's even more unbearable to watch them when you're single.

MARTIN

Tell me about it.

FRASIER

What are you complaining about? You share your bed with a dog.

MARTIN

I know it's been a while Frasier but surely even you can see the difference between being woken up by a dog licking your face and a woman kissing your cheek.

FRASIER

You forget I was married to Lilith. I have trouble distinguishing the two.

RESET TO:

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ WALKS INTO A DARKENED ROOM OUT OF CURIOSITY. IT IS FULL OF OLD PAINTINGS AND SCULPTURES THAT ARE COVERED UP WITH SHEETS. SHE HAS A QUICK LOOK AROUND AND THEN NOTICES A VASE ON A TABLE AND PICKS IT UP TO LOOK AT IT. ENTER MAN WHO SNEAKS UP BEHIND ROZ WITHOUT HER NOTICING. HE THEN LIGHTLY TOUCHES HER SHOULDER. THE SURPRISE OF WHICH CAUSES HER TO SCREAM, JUMP AND SMASH THE VASE ON THE MAN'S HEAD, WHICH IN TURN KNOCKS HIM OUT AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR

RESET TO:

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — CONTINUOUS

AS BEFORE

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Oh my God.

MARTIN

Was that Roz?

ENTER ROZ RUNNING

FRASIER

Roz what's the matter?

ROZ

Frasier come here quick.

ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT INTO THE HALL

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND FRASIER WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY TOWARDS THE JUNK ROOM

FRASIER

What ever is the matter?

ROZ

I think I just killed a guy.

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) What?

ROZ

Shhh. Come and look, I can't tell if he has a pulse.

FRASIER

What happened?

ROZ

I was looking at this vase and he just came up behind me. I was scared and I hit him with it.

FRASIER

It's just unfortunate that you weren't looking at a large comfortable cushion.

ROZ

He's in there.

RESET TO:

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER CHECKS THE MAN FOR A PULSE

ROZ (CONT'D)

Is he dead?

FRASIER

No Roz he's not dead

ROZ

Oh thank God.

FRASIER

Yes, what does it matter if you have yet another assault charge on your Police record? It's a story you can use as an icebreaker at parties.

ROZ

Well who is it?

FRASIER

I don't know. Turn the light on.

ROZ TURNS ON THE LIGHT TO REVEAL THE MAYOR ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh my God Roz. It's the Mayor. You've knocked the Mayor unconscious.

ROZ

Well he started it. He grabbed me.

FRASIER

And I'm sure that argument will stand up fine in court.

AS ROZ BEGINS TO PANIC WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'THE LIGHT AT THE END OF HIS BUTTOCKS'

FADE IN:

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS
(Roz, Frasier, Mayor, Niles, Daphne)

FRASIER LEANS OVER THE MAYOR AS ROZ PACES THE FLOOR

ROZ

Well what do we do?

FRASIER

I don't know let me think. We'll move him. The man's a legendary drunk. We'll hide him until he wakes up and tell him he passed out.

ROZ

Is that going to work?

FRASIER

What alternative do we have? You battered the Mayor on the head with a vase. The only thing left is to plead insanity. Help me move him.

ROZ

Are you kidding? Look at the size of him, I'll never be able to move him.

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE WALKING PASSED THE DOOR

FRASIER

Niles come here.

NILES

(HINTING) Frasier I was just on my way up to bed.

FRASIER

I don't care get over here.

NILES

Oh my God, Mr. Mayor. What did you do to him?

FRASIER

Roz hit him on the head with a vase.

DAPHNE

Oh Roz, the murderer was one of the people in costume not just anyone.

ROZ

I know that. He touched me.

NILES

Roz you're not normally fussy.

FRASIER

Enough of this banter. Niles help me take him upstairs to hide him.

NILES

Frasier it's me Niles. You know I don't lift.

DAPHNE LOOKS AT HIM VERY UNIMPRESSED WHICH HE NOTICES

NILES (CONT'D)

But in this instance I'll make the exception.

FRASIER

Ok on the count of three. One, two, three.

THEY BOTH STRAIN AND ATTEMPT TO LIFT HIM. BOTH OF THEIR FACES TURN RED FROM THE STRAIN. THEY DON'T APPEAR TO LIFT HIM AT ALL

DAPHNE

Well go on then lift him.

FRASIER

I thought we were lifting him.

ROZ

No wait they are, I think I can see daylight underneath him.

FRASIER

All right put him down.

THEY BOTH LET GO AND GASP FOR AIR

NILES

This is ridiculous. If I strain any harder to lift him I will literally drop a lung.

DAPHNE

Drag him along the floor then.

ROZ

They can't do that. How would we explain the splinters in the back of his head?

DAPHNE

Don't get touchy with me you're the one who clubbed him.

FRASIER

Ladies, ladies can we save this for a mud bath at a more appropriate time. When we don't have the Mayor drawling on the floor.

NILES

No actually that might work. We can roll him onto one of these sheets and drag him on that.

FRASIER

All right that might work.

ROZ

Well what do we do?

FRASIER

You go and distract the Senator.

ROZ

What?

FRASIER

Well it's only going to be a matter of time before he starts to wonder where he is. And after all he has had his eye on you all evening.

DAPHNE

Quite literally. I thought I was going to be sick when he took out his glass eye and accidentally dropped it in your lap.

ROZ

Frasier!

FRASIER

Just remember who we are doing this for. It's not as if I'm asking you to sleep with him. (THINKS) Well only as a last resort. Now off you go.

EXIT ROZ AND DAPHNE AS NILES TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND PUTS IT TO HIS MOUTH AS HE PICKS UP A SHEET AND STARTS TO SHAKE THE DUST OFF IT. HE THEN LAYS IT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE MAYOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

OK on three. One, two, three.

THEY ROLL HIM ONTO THE SHEET AND WRAP IT AROUND HIM SO THAT HE IS COMPLETELY COVERED. THEY THEN START TO DRAG HIM OUT INTO THE HALL

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THEY DRAG HIM TO THE ELEVATOR WHICH IS LOCATED NEXT TO THE STAIRWELL DOOR. FRASIER PRESSES FOR THE ELEVATOR

NILES

What are you doing?

FRASIER

Performing a ballet, I'm pressing for the elevator.

NILES

Well I can't go in there.

FRASIER

Of course you can, you just put one foot in front of the other.

NILES

I was having cold sweats at the dinning table at the thought of just Daphne and I being in. Do you have any idea what being stuck in there with you and a great fat man Mayor will do to me?

FRASIER

So what's your suggestion?

NILES

We take the stairs.

FRASIER

No chance, its four floors. We can barely lift his buttocks four inches off the ground let alone four flights of stairs.

NILES

OK goodnight Frasier, I hope you have some cash on you to bail her out.

NILES STARTS TO WALK AWAY

FRASIER

Oh all right fine.

AS THEY DRAG HIM TOWARDS THE STAIRWELL DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'HAIR RAISING STUFF'

FADE IN:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Niles, Mayor, Martin, Maid)

FRASIER STANDS HOLDING THE STAIRWELL DOOR OPEN BREATHING VERY HEAVILY AND SWEATING. IN THE DOORWAY WE CAN JUST SEE THE MAYOR'S HEAD

FRASIER

Niles will you just come out here!

NILES

(OFF STAGE) No.

FRASIER

For heavens sake Niles I killed the damn spider.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) But it's leg's still twitching.

FRASIER

What do you want me to do about it?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Make it stop.

FRASIER

I can't kill him again, he's already dead.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Well move him.

FRASIER SIGHS AND EXITS BACK INTO THE STAIRWELL, AS HE LETS GO OF THE DOOR IT SWINGS SHUT BUT THE MAYOR'S HEAD ACTS AS A NICE CUSHION SO THAT IT DOESN'T SLAM SHUT.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) You're going to have to see someone about this bug phobia.

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES DRAGGING THE MAYOR

NILES

Yes and while I'm there I can also talk about my new phobia. My dragging fat men up the stairs phobia.

FRASIER

You're the one who wouldn't take the elevator.

NILES

You know I am aware of that.

THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE THEN FALLS OFF AND FRASIER CATCHES IT WITH HIS FOOT WHICH SENDS IT RACING ACROSS THE FLOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God, it's a rat, it's a rat.

FRASIER

That is not a rat.

NILES

Well what is it?

FRASIER

I don't know.

NILES

Pick it up.

FRASIER

I most certainly will not. It looks like a toupee.

NILES

How can you tell?

FRASIER

Because it looks as if it was pulled out of a shower drain. Rats traditionally don't share that resemblance.

NILES

Is it the Mayor's?

FRASIER

I'm not sure did he have more hair than this before?

NILES

How should I know I've been carrying his feet.

FRASIER

That's fine Niles if we find a shoe then you can be the one to identify it.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE TOUPEE BY A STRAND OF HAIR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

It's the Mayor's.

NILES

How can you tell?

FRASIER

It's got his name sown into it.

NILES

There's no need to be sarcastic.

FRASIER

I'm being serious, look.

NILES

Oh my God why? Huh look whom I'm asking.

FRASIER

And what does that mean?

NILES

Frasier, you're my brother and I love you but sometimes your head is go shiny it causes a glare like the sun hitting a freshly polished television set.

FRASIER

If we are going to start…

NILES

Frasier before this descends into juvenile making fun of each other's hair and name calling may I remind you that we currently have an unconscious Mayor lying at our feet.

FRASIER

That's a very good point. We'll put him in my room and try and wake him up.

FRASIER DROPS THE TOUPEE ON THE MAYOR. NILES STOPS AS HE NOTICES THE CARD HUNG ON THE DOOR KNOB INDICATING THAT THE MAID IS CURRENTLY CLEANING IN THERE

NILES

No Frasier wait. The maid's in there.

FRASIER

Quick into your room.

THEY MOVE DOWN TOWARDS NILES' ROOM WHO OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY DRAG HIM INSIDE

RESET TO:

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE LAYOUT IS THE SAME AS FRASIER'S, NOW ROZ'S ROOM TO THE LEFT EXCEPT IT DOES NOT HAVE A CONNECTING ROOM TO THE RIGHT. THEY DRAG HIM IN AND LEAVE HIM AT THE FOOT OF THE BED

NILES

What now?

FRASIER

Let's get him on the bed.

NILES

Frasier I know that you're currently extremely desperate for a date but this is no time for experimentation.

FRASIER

Just help me.

NILES

I'm not going to be able to lift him that high.

FRASIER

What's the matter with you, you are a crane aren't you?

NILES

That wasn't amusing when coach Pallett used to shout it, it's even less amusing now.

FRASIER

Go around the front.

NILES PICKS HIM UP FROM THE FRONT AND FRASIER FROM BEHIND, HOOKING UNDER HIS ARMS UNTIL THEY HAVE HIM ON HIS FEET. THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE FALLS OFF AGAIN AND LANDS ON NILES' SHOULDER

NILES

Get this thing off me.

FRASIER

For God's sake Niles it won't bite.

NILES

But they carry disease.

FRASIER FLICKS THE TOUPEE OFF NILES AND ONTO THE FLOOR.

NILES (CONT'D)

OK now let me move out of the way and you can just drop him.

NILES LETS GO OF HIM AND TRIES TO SQUEEZE OUT FROM BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND THE END OF THE BED

FRASIER

Wait Niles I can't hold him he's too heavy.

BEFORE NILES CAN MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, FRASIER LOOSES THE BATTLE TO HOLD THE MAYOR UPRIGHT. THE MAYOR FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE BED CRUSHING NILES UNDERNEATH HIM, AND PULLING FRASIER DOWN WITH HIM AS HE STILL HAS HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HIM

NILES

Oh my God, get off me, both of you.

ENTER MARTIN WHO HAS HEARD THE SHOUTS FROM OUTSIDE AND TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE SCENE AND ROLLS HIS EYES

MARTIN

Never mind I don't want to know.

MARTIN GOES TO EXIT

FRASIER

No Dad wait.

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE MAYOR WHO REMAINS UNCONSCIOUS SQUASHING NILES ON THE BED

MARTIN

You're my son's and I love you. I don't care how you lead your lives just don't ask me to participate.

FRASIER

No, no, no. The Mayor scared Roz and she accidentally hit him over the head.

MARTIN

Well what was he doing in here in the first place?

FRASIER

No we brought him up here.

MARTIN

Why?

FRASIER

So that Roz doesn't get into trouble. We wanted to move him until he woke up, so we could convince him that he had too much to drink and passed out.

MARTIN

Why didn't you just leave him and run.

NILES

Because that would have been too obvious. Now if you're finished recapping the last thirty minutes can you get him off me before I pass out from having all the air literally crushed from my body. Quickly he's starting to drawl down my neck and there's definitely something digging into my hip.

MARTIN

I didn't want to hear that.

NILES

Believe me I don't want to feel it.

MARTIN AND FRASIER TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR ENOUGH AS NILES ROLLS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HIM AND THEN ROLLS OFF THE BED AND LANDS WITH A THUD ON THE FLOOR

NILES

I feel violated.

MARTIN

Niles are you OK?

NILES

I'm fine although I have a feeling my ribs are now embedded into my spine but that's nothing that an aspirin won't cure.

FRASIER

Now help me wake him.

MARTIN HELPS NILES UP FROM OFF THE FLOOR

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID GOES AROUND THE ROOM WITH A FEATHER DUSTER GETTING DOWN ALL THE COBWEBS. SHE THEN WALKS TO THE CONNECTING DOOR, WHICH LEADS TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM AND DUSTS ALL THE WAY AROUND THE EDGE OF THE DOORFRAME. AS SHE GOES TO MOVE AWAY, SHE CATCHES THE DOOR HANDLE ON THE STRAP OF HER APRON. AS SHE MOVES AWAY FROM THE DOOR IT CAUSES THE DOOR HANDLE TO MOVE AND THE DOOR TO OPEN SLIGHTLY.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT NEXT TO THE MAYOR LIGHTLY SLAPPING HIS FACE TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP AS NILES CHECKS TO SEE IF ALL OF HIS RIBS ARE IN ONE PIECE. FRASIER THEN NOTICES THE DOOR IS OPEN AND SEES THE MAID COMING TOWARDS THEM.

FRASIER

Quick Niles, the door.

NILES RUSHES TO SLAM THE DOOR SHUT AGAIN

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID WALKS TO THE CONNECTING DOOR TO SHUT IT AS NILES SLAMS IT IN HER FACE. THE MAID GIVES A DISGUSTED LOOK AT THE RUDENESS AND TRIES TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOOR BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE CAN'T. SHE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THAT HER DRESS IS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES STILL STANDS UP THE DOOR PREVENTING IT FROM BEING OPENED BY THE MAID

MARTIN

Do you think she saw anything?

FRASIER

I don't think so.

THE MAID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Then again maybe not.

NILES

What do we do?

FRASIER

Why are you always looking to me for answers?

NILES

Because it was your idea to bring him up here.

FRASIER

All right fine, it was a bad idea. Why don't you enlighten us as to what your suggestion was.

NILES

To leave you to sort it out and bring Daphne up here.

FRASIER

Can we keep your raging hormones out of this for a moment?

THE MAID KNOCKS THE DOOR AGAIN

MAID

(OFFSTAGE) Excuse me sir?

NILES

Just a moment.

MARTIN

Just quit your squabbling and let's move him before she comes in here.

FRASIER

Where do we move him to?

NILES

Under the bed.

FRASIER

What?

NILES

Well he won't fit in a dresser draw and we don't have the key to the safe.

MARTIN

What are you talking about? Just put him in the bathroom.

NILES

That was going to be my very next suggestion.

MARTIN

Oh course it was college.

MARTIN TAKES OVER FROM NILES LEANING UP THE DOOR AND NILES AND FRASIER ONCE AGAIN TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR. THEY ONCE AGAIN HAVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF TROUBLE AND ROLL HIM OFF THE BED, RESULTING IN A LOUD THUD.

MAID

(OFFSTAGE) Sir are you all right?

NILES

I just fell out of bed, I'm fine.

MAID

(OFFSTAGE) But Sir I have…

NILES

I'll just be a moment. Dad if she tries to get in club her with your cane.

FRASIER

And who made you leader of this operation?

MARTIN

Just get on with it.

NILES AND FRASIER PICK UP THE MAYOR AND CARRY HIM INTO THE BATHROOM. THEY SHUT THE DOOR AND MARTIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE CONNECTING DOOR SO THAT NILES CAN OPEN IT AND SPEAK TO THE MAID. NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND THE MAID IS FINALLY FREE.

MAID

Oh I'm sorry Sir I had my dress caught in the door.

NILES

Oh I see. Then I'm sorry I took so long, but you see I have company.

MAID

Would you like me to come back in ten minutes?

NILES

I'd really appreciate it.

MAID

I understand Sir.

MARTIN APPROACHES FROM BEHIND NILES AND INTO FULL VIEW OF THE MAID

MARTIN

Niles honey, are you coming?

MAID

Oh I understand perfectly Sir.

NILES

No, no, no, it's not…

THE MAID SHUTS THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

Thankyou very much

FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH START LAUGHING AS WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Senator, Roz)

THE BAR IS NEARLY EMPTY EXCEPT FOR ROZ AND THE SENATOR WHO SIT ON BAR STOOLS

SENATOR

So Roz, are you currently attached?

ROZ

No, I'm not, I'm free as a bird.

SENATOR

Well maybe I could change that. I'd clip your wings anytime.

ROZ

Too be honest Senator and I don't mean to be rude at all, but there isn't enough liquor in the world.

SENATOR

This is because of the eye isn't it? It was just purely coincidental that it fell out at that precise moment that I happened to walk passed you. It's not like I tried to drop it down your blouse so that I could retrieve it. Now that would have been wrong.

ROZ

I thought you were married.

SENATOR

I am but my wife doesn't understand me. That's why I have to seek attention from elsewhere.

ROZ

She doesn't understand you? Where have I heard that before?

SENATOR

But in my case it's true. She's Guatemalan and doesn't speak a word of English. I asked her the other day to fix me some dinner for when I arrived home. On my arrival I discovered she'd misunderstood and ran the cat through the dishwasher.

ROZ

Oh my God, how terrible.

SENATOR

Oh it was OK, the maid was there, she made me a sandwich.

ROZ

I meant for the cat.

SENATOR

So Roz, what are my chances of seeing a little action?

ROZ

Unless there's a war, about one in a million.

SENATOR

Then there's still a glimmer of hope. I wonder where the Mayor has got to? I'm going to go and look for him while you decide if you're feeling frisky or not.

ROZ

OK fine, plan B.

ROZ GRABS THE SENATOR AND KISSES HIM

SENATOR

Now that's more like it.

THE SENATOR GRABS ROZ AND KISSES HER LONG AND HARD ALMOST PULLING HER OFF HER BAR STOOL AS WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

TITLE CARD: 'IN & OUT'

FADE IN:

INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Frasier, Mayor, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Maid, Roz, Senator)

FRASIER, NILES AND MARTIN ALL LOOK ON TO THE MAYOR WHO IS NOW AWAKE AND IS WANDERING AROUND THE ROOM TRYING TO COMPOSE HIMSELF

FRASIER

Are you sure you're all right Mr. Mayor?

MAYOR

I'm still feeling just a little bit disorientated. Do I have your word that you won't tell anyone that you found me in such a state?

NILES

Of course Sir, our lips are sealed.

MAYOR

Good because if word of this was ever to get out to the press, my term in office will be over.

FRASIER

We understand perfectly Sir.

MAYOR

It's the oddest thing, I keep having an image of a woman hitting me

NILES

Maybe it's a suppressed image from a former life.

MAYOR

And tell me again how I got the tile marks on my face.

AS THEY ALL STRUGGLE FOR AN ANSWER THE MAYOR LEANS FORWARD AND STANDS WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES NEXT TO THE CONNECTING DOOR

MARTIN

Are you sure you're all right?

MAYOR

I'm fine, I just need a moment for the room to stop spinning.

SUDDENLY THE CONNECTING DOOR FLIES OPEN AND BASHES THE MAYOR ON THE HEAD CAUSING HIM TO BE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS ONCE AGAIN AND SEND HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR. ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Everything's fine, Roz has got the Senator distracted. That maid has just given me the oddest look for coming in here. What's the matter with you lot?

FRASIER

You've knocked him out again.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, did I do that?

MARTIN

No the pixies did it.

DAPHNE

Well how was I to know he was behind there? And you said you were taking him to your room so that's where I went.

FRASIER

But I switched rooms, that's now Roz's room.

DAPHNE

Well no one told me.

SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR

MAID

(OFF STAGE) Cleaning service. Are you finished yet Sirs?

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO THE DOOR AND LEANS UP AGAINST IT PREVENTING IT FROM OPENING

FRASIER

Just a second.

RESET TO:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID LEANS UP HER CART WITH A LOOK OF HORROR AND DISMAY ON HER FACE.

MAID

A third man and a woman? I don't get paid enough to witness this trailer trash.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

Take him out that door.

MARTIN HOLDS THE CONNECTING DOOR OPEN THAT LEADS TO ROZ'S ROOM WHILE FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR. AFTER TWO UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS THEY GRAB A LEG EACH AND JUST DRAG HIM OUT THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY DRAG HIM INSIDE AND MARTIN CLOSES THE CONNECTING DOOR

NILES

Wait I've got an idea. Has he got a room key on him?

MARTIN FEELS IN THE MAYOR'S POCKETS AND PULLS OUT A KEY AND HANDS IT TO NILES WHO PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET

MARTIN

Yeah, 11C.

NILES

Let's go and put him in his room. It'll look like he passed out on his bed.

FRASIER

But his doesn't smell at all like his been drinking.

NILES

Quick grab something from the mini bar.

FRASIER

No thanks I'm not thirsty.

NILES

I meant for the Mayor.

MARTIN GETS TWO SMALL BOTTLES FROM THE MINI BAR AND EMPTIES THE CONTENTS ONTO THE MAYOR'S SHIRT

MARTIN

There now he looks like he has a drinking problem.

FRASIER

Quite a serious problem. A problem like he can't find where his mouth is. Why didn't you make him drink it so his breath smells, he looks as if swam in it.

MARTIN

Well I'm sorry but how exactly do we make an unconscious man swallow?

NILES

Stop squabbling and let's just move him. If the maid sees us now this has all been for nothing.

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR LEADING TO THE CORRIDOR AS NILES AND FRASIER DRAG THE MAYOR THROUGH BY HIS FEET

RESET TO:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY EXIT OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR DRAGGING THE MAYOR BY HIS FEET AT THE SAME TIME AS THE MAID EXITS FROM NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM SHOUTING AND BEATING THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE, WHICH HAS OBVIOUSLY FALLEN OFF AGAIN, WITH A BROOM. PANICKED NILES AND FRASIER QUICKLY JUMP OVER THE MAYOR, GRAB HIS ARMS AND DRAG HIM BACK INTO ROZ'S ROOM AS THE MAID SUMMONS UP THE BRAVERY TO PICK TO THE TOUPEE AND TOSS IT ON HER CART.

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ALL THREE STAND FOR A MOMENT AND TRY TO CATCH THEIR BREATH

FRASIER

Dad, check if the coast is clear.

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR AS ROZ AND THE SENATOR TRY TO ENTER. ROZ SCREAMS WITH SHOCK AS SHE PULLS THE DOOR SHUT

RESET TO:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

ROZ LEANS UP THE DOOR AND FACES THE SENATOR

ROZ

Oh my God I left clothes all over the place, just give me a moment to tidy.

SENATOR

OK but don't be too long. I've got a special treat for you.

ROZ

Oh joy!

ROZ OPENS THE DOOR A TINY AMOUNT AND SQUEEZES THROUGH SO THAT THE SENATOR DOESN'T SEE ANYTHING

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SHUTS THE DOOR AS NILES COLLAPSE ON THE BED FROM EXHAUSTION

ROZ

What are you still doing with him?

FRASIER

Daphne knocked him back out again. And what are you still doing with him? I said sleep with him as a last resort in jest. I didn't actually expect you to do it to avoid another assault charge on your Police record.

ROZ

I'm sorry the bar closed, I had to take him somewhere. He was starting to wonder about the Mayor. I suggested the garden but he has a grass phobia.

THE DOOR CONNECTING TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM OPENS BUT NILES RUSHES AND SLAMS IT SHUT BEFORE ANYONE CAN ENTER

NILES

Will this maid ever go away?

ROZ

You're going to have to move him, I can't leave the Senator out there.

FRASIER

OK, we'll move him into my room. Keep the Senator in here while we take the Mayor to his room, don't let him in the corridor.

ROZ

OK, fine.

FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN LIFT THE MAYOR AND CARRY HIM INTO FRASIER'S ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR WHILE MARTIN HOLDS IT OPEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY MOVE QUICKLY TO THE DOOR LEADING TO THE CORRIDOR. THEY OPEN IT TO REVEAL DAPHNE TRYING TO GET IN. THEY ALL SHOUT WITH THE SURPRISE ONCE AGAIN AND NILES AND FRASIER DROP THE MAYOR

FRASIER

What are you doing?

DAPHNE

I tried to get in through the adjoining door but someone slammed it on me. And given the circumstances I didn't think I should go into Roz's room through the front door with the Senator waiting outside on a promise.

NILES

Has the Senator gone from the corridor?

DAPHNE

Yes.

MARTIN

How about the Maid?

DAPHNE

She's in our room mumbling something about a rat and taking a valium.

FRASIER

I think we'll all need one of those in a moment. Right, let's go.

RESET TO:

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY CARRY HIM OUT INTO THE HALL AND HEAD TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR. AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO PASS THE DOOR TO ROZ'S ROOM THE SENATOR ENTERS THROUGH IT AND WALKS TO THE MAID TROLLEY. FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL FREEZE. WHILE THE SENATOR FUMBLES AROUND ON THE TROLLEY, MARTIN OPENS A DOOR BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ'S ROOMS, WHICH IS THE LINEN CLOSET. HE THEN INDICATES TO THE REST TO PUT THE MAYOR IN THERE. THEY ALL PUSH AND FORCE THE MAYOR IN THERE AND SLAM THE DOOR RATHER LOUDLY AS THE SENATOR TURNS WITH ARMS FULL OF MINI BAR BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL. ALL FOUR THEN LEAN UP THE LINEN CLOSET DOOR

SENATOR

Hello. Frasier Crane isn't it?

FRASIER

That's right.

SENATOR

So have you got any indication yet on who the murderer might be?

FRASIER

No, not yet.

SENATOR

You're a psychiatrist aren't you Crane?

FRASIER

That's right Sir, so is my brother.

SENATOR

I wouldn't mind hearing a psychological view of the crime committed and getting inside the head of the murderer.

A BEAT

FRASIER

What now?

SENATOR

Yes.

FRASIER

But Sir aren't you a little busy?

SENATOR

Oh the alcohol? Damn mini bar was empty. Oh yes that's right I've got a fine young one in there who's simply dying for it.

THE MAID ENTERS FROM NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM AND TRIES TO GET INTO THE LINEN CLOSET

MAID

Excuse me.

NILES

What for?

MAID

I need to get fresh sheets out of the linen closet.

DAPHNE

Now? Can't it wait?

MAID

Apparently not. You were the one's that were complaining about the state of the rooms. And I should be complaining about the state of conduct that goes on in the rooms!

FRASIER

Well we've changed our minds.

SENATOR

You might as well have it done now she's started.

MARTIN

No, it's fine really.

MAID

Will you move away from the closet?

NILES

No.

SFX: KNOCK FROM THE CLOSET

SENATOR

What was that?

NILES

The pipes.

FRASIER

Remember this hotel is quite old.

MAID

But it came from the closet.

DAPHNE

Did it?

MARTIN

There must be pipes in the closet then.

MAID

Let me in there.

MAYOR

(FROM CLOSET) Help!

MAID

There's someone in there. I just heard them yell help.

FRASIER

(PATRONISINGLY) It's OK, you're hearing voices, I'm a psychiatrist, I can help you.

MAYOR

(FROM CLOSET) Is there someone out there?

SENATOR

There is someone in there. Quick move out the way.

FRASIER

Oh very well.

THEY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY AS THE MAID OPENS THE DOOR AND THE MAYOR FALLS OUT. THEY ALL TRY TO LOOK VERY SURPRISED AND SHOCKED

MAID

Mr. Mayor what on earth are you doing in there?

SENATOR

Oh Henry not again.

MAYOR

Where am I?

SENATOR

You've been hiding in the linen closet again. How many times do you have to be locked in there until you learn your lesson? Come on let me get you to your room.

THE SENATOR OPENS ROZ'S DOOR AND SHOUTS IN

SENATOR (CONT'D)

I'll be back in a moment love.

THE MAID AND THE SENATOR HELP THE MAYOR DOWN THE CORRIDOR. AS THEY WALK PAST THE CART THE MAYOR SPOTS HIS TOUPEE.

MAYOR

I was just trying it out for size, I don't really need one of these.

AS THE SENATOR AND THE MAID HELP THE MAYOR EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR, NILES SUDDENLY HAS A REALISATION AND PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES A KEY

NILES

I've still got his room key.

FRASIER SNATCHES THE KEY THROWS IT INTO THE LINEN CLOSET AND SLAMS THE DOOR

FRASIER

Quick everyone pack.

AS THEY ALL QUICKLY EXIT TO THEIR ROOMS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL HIDE AROUND THE CORNER IN THE RECEPTION AND WAIT FOR THE MANAGER TO EXIT THROUGH THE DOOR BEHIND THE DESK. WHEN HE IS OUT OF SIGHT THEY RUN OUT OF THE HOTEL AT FULL SPEED.