I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. I also don't own the rights to 'Did You Ever See A Dream.'

After nearly dying of the shock of receiving feedback, my heart was in a decent enough condition to post this one. So to encourage me into indulging some of the wondrous culinary delights of the hospital kitchen while I recover once again from the surprise, send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy…


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Fourteen
Outbreak

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'POP GOES THE PIGEON?'

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Gill, Roz, Steve (V.O), Hank (V.O))

FRASIER PACES UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE HIS BOOTH, CHECKING HIS WATCH AS GILL ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER

FRASIER

Gill have you seen Roz?

GILL

Yes, she's your producer. I've met her on many occasions. In fact there was a time when she produced my show.

FRASIER

What are you talking about? Have you been to another wine tasting without me?

GILL

No. Have you been self-medicating again?

FRASIER

No! My show starts in three minutes and Roz still isn't here, I just wanted to know if you'd seen her.

GILL

Oh well why didn't you say so?

FRASIER

I thought I did.

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

So?

GILL

So what?

FRASIER

Oh God Gill, have you seen Roz, yes or no?

GILL

No.

FRASIER

Now was that so hard? I was only looking for a yes or no answer not for you to give me a brain haemorrhage from the aggravation.

GILL

In that case I won't bother to tell you she just walked into the booth. I'm so sorry to aggravate you.

EXIT GILL DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FRASIER RUSHES INTO HIS BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS ROZ PUTS ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE LOOKS VERY UNWELL AND EXTREMELY PALE.

FRASIER

Roz, where have you been? Oh my God.

ROZ

What's the matter?

FRASIER HOLDS HER HANDS AND LOOKS AT HER

FRASIER

You look so pale Roz, like you've had your head in a bag of flour. I sure hope this hangover is worth it.

ROZ

It's not a hangover, I've caught some sort of flu off Alice.

FRASIER LET'S GO OF HER HANDS AND BACKS AWAY FROM HER

ROZ (CONT'D)

Thanks so much for your concern Frasier. Are you sure you don't want to go and disinfect yourself in a bucket of bleach?

FRASIER

I'm sorry Roz. Are you sure you're up to doing the show?

ROZ

I'm fine Frasier, now get in there, you're on in five.

FRASIER GOES INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH, PUTS ON HIS HEAD PHONES AND BEGINS HIS SHOW

FRASIER

Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz, who do we have on line one?

ROZ BLOWS HER NOSE EXTREMELY LOUDLY CAUSING THE SOUND TO RATTLE ACROSS THE AIRWAVES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Either that was Roz blowing her nose or the Titanic has finally docked in the parking lot. In which case I hope they don't mistake my car for an iceberg.

ROZ

I'm sorry Dr. Crane we have (COUGHS), on line (COUGHS), on line one (COUGHS), we have (COUGHS)…

FRASIER

Oh spit it out.

ROZ

Steve.

FRASIER

Hello Steve I'm listening.

STEVE

Hi, Dr. Crane. My situation is not really a problem, but more of a habit that I'm having trouble getting out of.

FRASIER

Force of habit can be a very controlling thing Steve, whether it's smoking, to washing your hands repeatedly, to something as simple as just going shopping everyday, they can all control your life. Now what exactly is your habit?

STEVE

I blow up pigeons.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

STEVE

I blow up pigeons. I learnt as a kid that if you give a pigeon some baking powder they explode. I've been going to the park everyday with a pot of baking powder since I was twelve. I'm now thirty-five, but I'm starting to think that it's maybe something that I shouldn't be doing, but I'm struggling to control the habit. (A BEAT) Dr. Crane? (A BEAT) Dr. Crane are you there?

FRASIER

Yes, I'm here Steve, I'm just struggling to come to terms with what you've just told me. How could you do this?

ROZ POURS HERSELF OUT A LITTLE PLASTIC CUP FULL OF RED COUGH MIXTURE

STEVE

Oh come on Dr. Crane they are vermin.

FRASIER

That's no excuse to actually blow them up from the inside.

ROZ GOES TO DRINK THE COUGH MIXTURE AT THE SAME TIME AS SHE UNFORTUNATELY SNEEZES. THE COUGH MIXTURE COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH AND SPLATS ON THE GLASS PARTITION BETWEEN HER AND FRASIER. THE SUDDEN SPLAT OF THE COUGH MIXTURE PUTS FRASIER OFF HIS CALL.

A BEAT

STEVE

Dr. Crane are you still there?

FRASIER

(RUSHING TO FINISH) Yes, I'm here Steve. My advice to you is to stop going to places with pigeons or just leave your baking powder at home. I'll be back after this.

FRASIER CUTS TO A COMMERCIAL, TAKES OFF HIS HEAD PHONES AND RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

ROZ

I'm sorry Frasier.

FRASIER

Sorry? I'm discussing exploding pigeons and suddenly the booth is covered in some sort of red substance. It looks as if your head exploded.

ROZ

Yes, because that happens so much in the greater Seattle area. Only spontaneous combustion and being disembowelled by chicken's kills more people each year. It's cough mixture. I'll clean it up.

ROZ CLIMBS ONTO THE CONSOLE AND STARTS TO RUB THE COUGH MIXTURE OFF THE GLASS WITH HER SLEEVE

FRASIER

Oh Roz don't use your sleeve.

ROZ

Well I'm not licking it off. I've seen Noel rub himself up the glass with his pants around his ankles.

FRASIER

Roz, just sit down. Now you are not all right. You obviously have a fever and possibly some troll blindness from you incident with Noel and I now have a horrifying mental image to contend with. I seriously think you should go home.

ROZ

Frasier, I understand your concern but I'm fine.

ROZ COUGHS A REALLY CHESTY COUGH AND THEN SNIFFS UNTIL HER NOSE UNBLOCKS. FRASIER JUST STARES AT HER

FRASIER

I'm glad to see you're still taking those etiquette lessons Miss Doolittle. Remember cover your mouth when you cough Roz.

FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND CONTINUES WITH HIS SHOW

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And we're back. Roz who do we have next?

ROZ

We have…

ROZ PAUSES AND SWALLOWS

ROZ (CONT'D)

We have…

SHE SWALLOWS AGAIN AND PUTS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH

ROZ (CONT'D)

We have… oh my God, I think I'm going to hurl.

ROZ RUNS AND EXITS FROM HER BOOTH

ROZ (CONT'D)

(OFFSTAGE) Get out of my way.

HANK

Actually my names Hank not Earl. Hello? Can anyone hear me?

GILL

(OFFSTAGE) Oh you have to be kidding, I just bought these shoes.

ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS HE STARES OUT THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie)

FRASIER SITS AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HEAD COVERED WITH A TEA TOWEL OVER A BOWL OF HOT WATER AS MARTIN AND EDDIE TRY IN VAIN TO PUSH HIS CHAIR AWAY FROM FRASIER

FRASIER

I'm warning you Dad, if you scratch that floor, you might find that Eddie has a few scratches on him from his adventures with the inside of the garbage disposal and his bungy jump off the roof. Only this will be a bungy jump without the bungy. It'll just be a jump or in this case a throw.

MARTIN

Well I'm sorry but I don't want to catch it.

FRASIER

Thanks for the sympathy Dad.

MARTIN SITS ON THE COUCH AS FAR AWAY FROM FRASIER AS POSSIBLE

MARTIN

Like the sympathy I got off you when I was shot?

FRASIER

I'm sorry but how could I pass up Opera tickets like that? It was a once in a lifetime event. If it makes you feel any better you got your own back when you switched rooms and never told me. I'd already picked out the suit you were going to wear when I found you in that side room making the man in the coma cry.

MARTIN

Can't you do that in your room?

FRASIER

Oh I see out of sight, out of mind.

MARTIN

And out of audio range, it's much easier to ignore you when you're in your room.

FRASIER

Well I apologise Dad, remind me to die more quietly from now on, I can see just how distressing this is for you to see me like this.

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Good lord Dr. Crane what are you doing?

FRASIER

What does it look like I'm doing?

NILES

Like you've found the cheapest way possible to drown. Now some people would choose to jump in Puget Sound with a bucket of cement strapped it their feet. Not many would choose to drown via a saucer of boiling water.

MARTIN

A saucer of bottled boiling water.

FRASIER

I've caught something off Roz.

NILES

You're not the first and you won't be the last. Do you want me to prescribe you something to save you the embarrassment of going to the doctors?

FRASIER

I've caught the flu Niles.

NILES

Oh yes of course.

FRASIER

I have not slept with Roz if that's what you are implying.

DAPHNE

Of course you haven't, she'd eat you alive and pick her teeth with a rib if you ever entered into so much as a clinch with Roz.

FRASIER

And once again the sympathy I get off you people just astounds me.

DAPHNE

Well what do you want us to do? Call a Priest and hold a prayer vigil? Or announce it to the press and have a Frasier flu remembrance Sunday?

NILES

I could play a medley of Opera death scenes on the piano if you like, while Dad and Daphne scatter rose petals around you.

FRASIER

How about some tea and a little less sarcasm?

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Hey Niles, come here.

FRASIER

Do not even attempt to help him move that chair. After I've squeezed Eddie in the garbage disposal, I won't hesitate in letting you two follow him.

MARTIN

I wasn't going to ask him that.

FRASIER

Then I apologise.

NILES

And anyway Dad's cane would brake the blades.

FRASIER

Not if I use it to stuff you in there.

MARTIN

I was going to ask him to help me hold your head under the water, actually.

ENTER DAPHNE

FRASIER

I am not sitting in my room.

MARTIN

Then will you stop breathing?

FRASIER

Yes, Dad, anything you say. And for my second trick I'll walk across water while balancing an elephant on my nose.

NILES

What is the matter with you?

MARTIN

I don't want to catch.

DAPHNE

Me neither.

NILES

That makes three of us.

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry, shall I just lock myself down in the storage space until the plague has left my system?

NILES

I'm sorry Frasier.

MARTIN

I'm not, I don't want to catch it.

AS MARTIN COVERS HIS MOUTH WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: 'SWIMMING POOLS OF THE SMALL AND HAIRY'

FADE IN:

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Eddie)

MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING VERY UNWELL WITH EDDIE BY HIS FEET

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) Daphne!

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

What now?

MARTIN

Nothing I'm just lonely in here all by myself.

DAPHNE

You've got Eddie.

MARTIN

He's not exactly much of a conversationalist. The only noise he's made all morning is that grunting sound when he was licks himself.

DAPHNE

Well that's an activity you can do together. And anyway how is this different from what you normally do during the day and you're not lonely then. You've just swapped your chair for your bed. I know why don't you go and sit with your son?

MARTIN

No, it's his fault I'm like this in the first place.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!

MARTIN

Daphne can you bring me a sandwich? I'm wasting away here.

DAPHNE EXITS MARTIN'S ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER LIES IN BED LOOKING AS BAD AS MARTIN DOES. ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

And what can I do for you?

FRASIER

Can you get me a glass of water please?

DAPHNE

You're not more than ten feet away from a tap.

FRASIER

I'm not drinking tap water. What do you think I buy bottled water for, because the bottles look pretty?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE ENTERS CHUNTERING TO HERSELF

DAPHNE

They won't look so pretty after I've stuffed one up your…

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, ENTER NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Niles, honey.

THEY KISS

NILES

You're not ready.

DAPHNE

Ready for what?

NILES

We were going out for lunch.

DAPHNE

Oh I'm sorry but I've been looking after the flem creatures all morning, I haven't given it a thought.

NILES PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AS IF TRYING TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK

NILES

And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN LIES IN BED

MARTIN

Frasier!

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) I thought you weren't speaking to me.

MARTIN

I wasn't but I've made my point.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) What point? That you're a child?

MARTIN

Will you come and open my window? It's so stuffy in here.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

I feel just as bad as you do, so there is little to no chance of me getting out of bed to do it.

MARTIN

But you're younger than I am.

FRASIER

Exactly I've got to pace myself for all the years I have ahead. Ask Daphne she's younger than both of us.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

Daphne! Daphne! Daphne! I don't think she can hear me. Daphne!

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Daphne!

MARTIN

Daphne!

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE

What?

MARTIN

Will you open my window?

DAPHNE

You lazy old sod.

MARTIN

Oh come on Daph I'm sick and all this bed rest has made my hip so stiff. And I was saving my last ounce of strength for that long trek to the bathroom but if you want me to use it for this…

DAPHNE

Oh for God's sake, no you just stay there.

DAPHNE OPENS THE WINDOW AND EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

And what do you want?

FRASIER

Oh nothing I was just calling you for Dad.

DAPHNE

Why because he wasn't shouting loud enough?

FRASIER

Did you get me my water?

DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE WATER. HE DOESN'T TAKE IT BUT INSTEAD JUST STARES AT IT

DAPHNE

Here. What's the matter?

FRASIER

It has ice cubes in it.

DAPHNE

That's very well spotted Dr. Crane. There's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

FRASIER

I didn't want ice cubes.

DAPHNE

I'll tell you where you'll have bloody ice cubes next.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE LOOKING EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AS NILES WALKS TO HER

NILES

Daphne, I really feel that you should unclench.

DAPHNE

And I will, I just need to get your brother some water.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

AS DAPHNE TALKS ON THE PHONE SHE QUICKLY MAKES A SANDWICH

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Hello? Oh hi Roz. How are you feeling?

DAPHNE PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HER EAR AS WE HEAR ROZ COUGHING VERY LOUDLY THROUGH IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That good? It's worse now, Mr. Crane's caught it. Believe me you're not half as sorry as I am. Yes, just a second.

DAPHNE TAKES OUT THE ICE CUBES FROM FRASIER'S WATER AND THROWS THEM IN THE SINK

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING THE PHONE, THE WATER AND THE SANDWICH. SHE HANDS FRASIER THE GLASS AND THE PHONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Here's your water and here's Roz.

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz.

DAPHNE EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN HIS SANDWICH

DAPHNE

One sandwich.

MARTIN DOESN'T TAKE THE SANDWICH BUT JUST STARES AT IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

What's the matter?

MARTIN

You cut the crusts off.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!

DAPHNE BEGINNING TO GET FRUSTRATED SNATCHES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AND EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO STANDS BY THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS

DAPHNE

What now?

FRASIER

This water's still too cold from the ice cubes.

DAPHNE

Just give me a moment and I'll bung it in the microwave for you.

DAPHNE TAKES THE WATER AND EXITS

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) Frasier it's coming your way.

ENTER EDDIE RUNNING FROM MARTIN'S ROOM WITH A PAD IN HIS MOUTH. FRASIER TAKES THE PAD OFF EDDIE

FRASIER

OK bye Roz. Dad, I can't see where you put your cross, Eddie's drawl has smeared the ink again.

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) Trust me I was one move away from certain victory.

FRASIER

It's naught's and crosses, you're always one move away from certain victory. I'm not playing anymore.

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) Well it's impossible to play charades and I'm not playing eye spy again. You kept cheating.

FRASIER

Is it my fault that I can see different things from here than what you can?

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) You can not see a forest troll from your room.

FRASIER

Well in a dim light with my eyes squinted it looked like a troll. It's not as ludicrous as it sounds.

MARTIN

It was an angora sweater. How could you possibly get the two confused? You don't often see people in department store dressing rooms wrapping a tiny forest troll around their shoulders and buying them as gifts for Christmas for people who live in a cool climate.

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry it looked like a troll.

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) And anyway even if it was a troll. What would he be doing in there in the first place? And how would he have got up here?

FRASIER

I don't know, maybe he mistook my cupboard for his part of the forest, it could happen. Oh hell I don't know I'm drowsy, I have a fever.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN

If you were any kind of son you'd come in here and keep me company.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Well I'm sorry Dad, but I want to lie down and I'm not sharing a bed with you. I want to save something for when we are both old, senile, incontinent and living in Florida.

MARTIN

Now that's something to look forward to, sleeping on a plastic sheet with my son.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Just keep praying that you won't have to share it with Niles as well. Dad, will you close that window, it's blowing in here and it's cold.

MARTIN

No, I'm hot.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) That's because you have a fever.

MARTIN

I knew I sent you to medical school for some reason.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

If you won't do it, I'll get Daphne to. Daphne! Daphne!

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne don't you listen to him! Daphne, stay away!

ENTER NILES

NILES

What is the matter with you two? Daphne has done nothing but run around after you for days, do you not think it's time you give her a rest, so she can spend some time with me.

FRASIER

I'm so sorry Niles, is us being sick interfering with your sex life? Because if you're getting desperate there's some soft fruit in the kitchen. Squeeze away.

NILES

Now what is the matter?

FRASIER

Dad won't shut his window.

MARTIN

Well I'm hot.

NILES

Then why don't you both shut your doors?

FRASIER & MARTIN

Because it's too far to walk.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN ANOTHER SANDWICH

DAPHNE

One sandwich with crusts.

MARTIN

Did you put butter on this?

DAPHNE TAKES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AGAIN AND EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER'S HIS WATER

DAPHNE

Here you go, one water.

FRASIER

It's still too cold.

DAPHNE

For God's sake, normally if it's not cold enough to stick your tongue to you won't touch it.

FRASIER

But I'm cold, I want it at room temperature, you know like your cooking.

DAPHNE

Oh room temperature, why didn't you say so?

EXIT DAPHNE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE ENTERS AND PUSHES EDDIE AWAY FROM HIS WATER BOWL AND POURS THE CONTENTS INTO FRASIER'S GLASS. SHE THEN DIPS HER FINGER INTO IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That's better perfect room temperature. Oh don't look at me like that Eddie. The toilet seat lids up, knock yourself out.

SHE THEN TAKES OFF THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD FROM THE SANDWICH AND REPLACES THEM WITH FRESH PIECES

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY AND EDDIE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM

NILES

You've run around after them enough for one day. Now come and sit down.

DAPHNE

I'll just take Dr. Crane his water and Mr. Crane's sandwich first.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

AS DAPHNE WALKS PAST SHE THROWS MARTIN HIS SANDWICH

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Here catch, one crusty, butterless sandwich.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER HIS WATER YET AGAIN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

There you go, if that's not room temperature I don't know what is.

FRASIER

That's perfect. Actually that tastes rather nice. Is it a different brand?

DAPHNE

Yes, from drawl creek I believe.

FRASIER

I quite like that.

DAPHNE

I'm glad. I know a place where we can get an unlimited supply.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM

ENTER DAPHNE WHO JOINS NILES ON THE COUCH

NILES

Now come and sit down and rest your feet.

HE BEGINS TO RUB HER FEET

DAPHNE

I'm sorry I forgot about lunch.

NILES

That's OK, we can go out tonight.

EDDIE STARTS TO BARK FRANTICALLY FROM THE BATHROOM

DAPHNE

What on earth's the matter with him?

NILES

You sit, I'll look.

NILES LOOKS INTO THE BATHROOM

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

What is it?

NILES CARRIES EDDIE OUT OF THE BATHROOM AT ARMS LENGTH, DRIPPING WET

NILES

I think he fell in the toilet.

DAPHNE

He's dripping. Hold him still while I get a towel.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

NILES

Can you hurry Daphne, I don't like touching dogs at the best of times, let alone when they have been swimming in toilet water. I hope to God, no one forgot to flush it after it's last use.

EDDIE TRIES TO SHAKE HIMSELF BUT CAN'T AS NILES KEEPS A TIGHT GRIP

NILES (CONT'D)

No Eddie, keep still. No Eddie, good boy. No Eddie.

EDDIE BEGINS TO WRIGGLE AS HE TRIES IN VAIN TO SHAKE HIMSELF

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne quick he's trying to shake himself.

JUST AS DAPHNE ENTERS EDDIE MANAGES TO SHAKE HIMSELF, SPRAYING TOILET WATER ALL OVER THE APARTMENT, NOT TO MENTION COVERING NILES FROM HEAD TO FOOT IN IT. NILES PLACES EDDIE ON THE FLOOR AND TRIES TO SPIT SOME OF THE WATER OUT OF HIS MOUTH

NILES (CONT'D)

What were the odds that I'd have my mouth open at that very moment?

DAPHNE

Here's a towel.

NILES

I'll have that, Eddie appears to be dry now.

EDDIE JUMPS ON THE COUCH AND STARTS TO ROLL AROUND

DAPHNE

Get off there you little rat.

EDDIE EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Come back here.

NILES

Daphne, leave him and come and sit down.

NILES BEGINS TO RUB HIS HEAD WITH THE TOWEL

DAPHNE

Hold still a second.

DAPHNE WIPES SOMETHING OFF HIS HEAD

NILES

(PANIC STRICKEN) What? What is it?

DAPHNE

Nothing, nothing.

NILES

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

It was a bit of dog hair. This has been a nightmare day.

NILES

I know what'll make it better. I'll take you out tonight, you can stop at the Montana and forget all about this.

DAPHNE

That'll be nice.

NILES GOES TO KISS HER BUT PULLS AWAY BEFORE HE CAN AND SNEEZES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

What was that?

NILES

What was what?

DAPHNE

You just sneezed.

NILES

No I didn't.

DAPHNE

Yes you did.

NILES

No, I just had too much air in my nose.

DAPHNE

You're a doctor you'd think you could come up with a better excuse than that.

NILES

Forget about it.

NILES ONCE AGAIN GOES TO KISS HER BUT HAS TO STOP BECAUSE HE SNEEZES

DAPHNE

Oh not you as well.

NILES

Daphne I'm fine.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Eddie's all wet and he's rolling on my bed.

MARTIN

(OFFSTAGE) No one is to go near him with a hair dryer do you hear me?

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Oh he won't melt Dad, he's not plastic.

DAPHNE HOLDS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AS NILES SNEEZES AGAIN AS WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Daphne, Niles)

SFX: DOORBELL

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM DRESSED FOR AN EVENING OUT

DAPHNE

I'm off now, you boys be good.

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES, WHO IS LEANING UP THE DOOR FRAME WITH HIS TIE UNDONE AROUND HIS NECK

NILES

I'm sick.

DAPHNE

Come on in.

DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM AND HELPS HIM INTO THE APARTMENT AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'SHE FORGOT TO MENTION HE WAS ALSO A TAXIDERMIST'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/4
(Roz, Daphne)

DAPHNE LIES ASLEEP WITH HER HEAD ON THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Oh hi Daphne. Daphne!

DAPHNE WAKES UP WITH A START, A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE SHE IS

DAPHNE

I'll just get it.

ROZ

What?

DAPHNE

Oh hi Roz.

ROZ

Are you all right, you were fast asleep?

DAPHNE

I am absolutely exhausted.

DAPHNE SNEEZES

ROZ

Why?

DAPHNE

Niles has caught the flu as well now. So I've now got three children to run around after.

ROZ

I am so sorry.

DAPHNE

Oh it's not your fault.

ROZ

So Niles is stopping with you at the moment?

DAPHNE

That's right. And the nasal spray he's using seems to be having some sort of strange effect that's not mentioned on the advert. It's making him as horny as a stoat? It's like liquid Viagra.

ROZ

Really? Well no wonder you're tired.

DAPHNE

Are you kidding? It's not exactly the biggest turn on in the world when some one is showing you their 'come to bed' eyes while they've got a bottle of nasal spray stuck up their nose and then before you answer turn away and cough their guts up.

ROZ

Wait a second. Niles has 'come to bed' eyes?

DAPHNE

It's the face he pulls when he looks as if he's eaten a bad clam. It took me a while to work that one out.

ROZ

Well nothing puts you in the mood for sex like a look of wanting a stomach pump.

DAPHNE

At first I didn't know if he was going to kiss me or throw up on me. Saying that the way he's feeling at the moment I still don't.

DAPHNE COUGHS

ROZ

It's probably not a good idea fooling around until he feels better anyway.

DAPHNE

Why's that?

ROZ

Well if he can't breathe properly at the moment, it's probably not a good idea to get him a little over excited. You don't want him passing out on you. And this is Niles we're talking about, he can barely turn on the blender without hyperventilating.

DAPHNE

At the minute we're not getting that far. He hasn't got the strength to turn on the blender let alone anything else. And for me the smell of vapour rub coming towards me doesn't exactly get me excited even if it is Niles. So how are things with you?

ROZ

Well apart from owing Gill five hundred dollars for a new pair of shoes, not bad. I had a date last night.

DAPHNE

How did it go?

ROZ

Not good, he had to leave at eight o'clock so that he could go home and wash his father.

DAPHNE

That's not so bad. It shows he's caring, if he'd look after him like that.

ROZ

His father's dead.

DAPHNE

I see.

ROZ

He's insane. He's refusing to let the body go. He spends his night's hand cuffed to him in case his family tries to take him away and bury him in the night.

DAPHNE

Where do you meet these people?

ROZ

He called into the show.

DAPHNE

That should have been your first tip that all was not right in his head.

ROZ

And if that didn't the fact that he picked me up in a hearse should have. Since my afternoon is free, do you want me to come and help with the patients?

DAPHNE

Only if you really want to. I wouldn't want you to catch it again, I've already had to hang a white pillow case outside the apartment so people walk well clear of the door since the neighbours came down with it.

ROZ

Is it really that bad?

DAPHNE

All we need now is someone standing out in the hall pushing a cart, ringing a bell and yelling 'bring out your dead'.

DAPHNE SNEEZES

ROZ

Even I wasn't that sick.

DAPHNE

But Dr and Mr Crane have a way of making everything seem ten times worse than it is. And it's difficult to get them to do anything when I'm battling with Niles who's all over me like a rash.

AS THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER ROZ'S COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. ALL THREE ARE WEARING THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. THEY ALL LOOK A LOT BETTER. IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION IS A BIN WHICH ALL THREE ATTEMPT TO THROW OLD HANDKERCHIEFS IN TO

MARTIN

Come on now boys, it's all in the wrist.

FRASIER

Dad are you sure we should be doing this?

MARTIN

Sure, why not?

NILES

Well it's not really very hygienic.

FRASIER

And add that to the fact that Niles can't throw and I now have two germ ridden handkerchiefs stuck to the television screen, one in the kitchen, three on the wall, about half a dozen behind me and three welded to Eddie.

NILES

How come I get no credit for hitting a moving target.

FRASIER

Eddie was two feet away staring at me. I hardly call that a moving target.

MARTIN

Try Frasier's mouth, that's a constantly moving target.

FRASIER

And what does that mean?

NILES

In many ways Dad's point represents the chaos theory. If you could keep your mouth still for at least a small proportion of the day, it would stop the continued threat of tidal waves on the opposite side of the world.

FRASIER

The opposite side of the world is mainly desert. There is no water let alone tidal waves.

MARTIN

That's why it's so amazing.

FRASIER

Dad, now get that one out of that vase.

MARTIN

All right then fine, but I'm having my programme on.

FRASIER

Oh Dad do you have to? How many times can you enjoy watching a man get handcuffed?

MARTIN

As many times as I like now I've started taping them.

NILES

You know I had a patient who was obsessed with this show. He was desperate to appear on it until one day he did.

FRASIER

Oh is this the fellow who strangled all the squirrels on his block and then made his getaway on a bicycle down the freeway with a hamster in the basket?

NILES

That's him.

MARTIN

I thought you weren't allowed to talk about these things. Something to do with doctor, patient confidentiality.

NILES

Normally I wouldn't, but in this case it's fine to talk about it since he wants to include me in the writing on his book.

FRASIER

Niles!

NILES

I get to write two chapters myself about our sessions.

FRASIER

How can you call my call-in show a disgrace to the profession when you are going to contribute to this lunatics literally garbage?

NILES

It's a five-figure deal Frasier.

FRASIER

I'll see you at the book launch. Hey I've an idea. Niles come and play the piano with me.

FRASIER WALKS TO THE PIANO AND SITS DOWN AS NILES LIES ON THE COUCH

NILES

Oh Frasier, I haven't the strength to move all the way over there.

FRASIER

Well I can't bring the piano to you.

NILES

Why not, it's got wheels?

FRASIER

Yes and there's also furniture and a step in the way, so think again. And what do you mean you don't have the strength? You had enough strength to run in the kitchen while I was in the bathroom and eat my chocolate eclair.

NILES

Actually that was Dad.

MARTIN

Actually that was Eddie, I dropped it.

FRASIER

Oh Niles come on.

NILES

Frasier I'm too tired to chew my food let alone go over there and play the piano.

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Hello boys

NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP AND WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE

NILES

Hello Daphne.

ROZ

Oh my God, who's been throwing tissues at Eddie?

FRASIER

That would be Niles. Roz and why are we blessed with this surprise visit?

ROZ

I just wanted to see how the patients are doing. After all I am feeling partly responsible for this quarantine.

DAPHNE SNEEZES

MARTIN

Bless you. Partly?

FRASIER

Yes Dad, Roz has always had a problem with fractions. She means partly in the same sense, as the rats were partly to blame for the spread of the bubonic plague.

ROZ

How am I to blame? I didn't give it to Martin or Niles.

NILES

It seems like you and I are the only men left in Seattle Dad that she hasn't give it to in one way or another.

ROZ

Shut up.

MARTIN

I told you to sit in your room but would you listen?

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry but I could have died in there and no one would have been any the wiser.

DAPHNE

Oh we'd have found out eventually, when Eddie stopped eating his dinner and we kept hearing a gnawing noise coming from your room. And I'm not making that up, it actually happened. I do still feel a little guilty, but how was I to know he wasn't actually stretching? I didn't know how flexible he was.

NILES

You can't say the same about me.

DAPHNE

Oh not again. I'm going to sue the makers of that bloody nasal spray.

NILES

What's the problem? At least I can breath through my nose now.

NILES CLOSES HIS MOUTH AND HAS A HORRIFIC TIME TRYING TO BREATHE

FRASIER

Niles you're turning blue.

NILES

(GASPING FOR AIR) So are you impressed? It proves I'm feeling better and you know what that mean?

DAPHNE

Not in the slightest. Anyone can turn that colour if you lock yourself in the freezer for a couple of days.

MARTIN

That reminds me of a game we used to play at the station.

ROZ

You used to lock each other in the freezer?

MARTIN

No, although we did use to get a guy real drunk and then leave him on a slate in the morgue. We used to put some money in a pot and the person who could hold their breath the longest without passing out won the jackpot. Al always used to win.

ROZ

Couldn't that lead to brain damage?

MARTIN

That would explain why he used to spray paint his horse yellow and ride him into Puget Sound.

FRASIER

And the city sleeps safe tonight in the knowledge that we are well protected by our Police service.

FRASIER BEGINS TO PLAY THE PIANO AS DAPHNE GOES AROUND THE ROOM, PUTTING THERMOMETER'S INTO FRASIER, MARTIN AND NILES' MOUTHS, SHE THEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STARTS TO CLEAN UP THE FOOD OFF THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS, STILL WITH THE THERMOMETER IN HIS MOUTH, AND SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER, SHE DOESN'T TURN BUT KNOWS HE IS THERE

DAPHNE

And what can I do for you?

DAPHNE TURNS AS NILES PULLS A FACE THAT MAKES HIM LOOK QUITE SICK, WHILE PLAYING WITH THE THERMOMETER WITH HIS TONGUE MAKING IT POINT TO THE CEILING. DAPHNE LOOKS AT HIM PUZZLED

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Niles are you feeling all right?

NILES SIGHS AND PULLS THE FACE AGAIN BUT WITH MORE EMPHASIS AS ROZ ENTERS AND JOINS DAPHNE IN LOOKING PUZZLED AT HIM

ROZ

Niles are you all right, you look as if you ate a bad clam.

DAPHNE FINALLY REALISES

DAPHNE

Oh! He's fine Roz.

ROZ REALISES

ROZ

Oh!

EXIT ROZ AS NILES TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF HIS MOUTH

NILES

What does that mean? Oh?

DAPHNE

Let's have that back in your mouth please. I'm sorry I was just telling Roz that your 'come to bed' eyes could easily be confused with your 'come to the emergency room' eyes.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND FRASIER BEGIN TO ARGUE, BUT WITH THE THERMOMETERS STILL IN THEIR MOUTHS, WHICH MAKES WHAT THEY SAY BARELY AUDIBLE LET ALONE UNDERSTANDABLE

MARTIN

Will you stop playing that? How am I supposed to hear my show?

FRASIER

Dad, they're reading him his rights. You know how it goes.

ENTER DAPHNE WITH NILES FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND

DAPHNE

Will you boys stop fighting? Now let me look at these.

SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETERS OUT OF FRASIER AND MARTIN'S MOUTHS AND CHECKS THEM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Normal and normal. Right that means you're going to work tomorrow and you're getting dressed tomorrow.

MARTIN

How can you say that Daphne? I'm still so sick.

FRASIER

So am I.

DAPHNE

There's nothing wrong with either of you.

MARTIN

But we're sick.

DAPHNE

You are not sick.

SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF NILES' MOUTH AND CHECKS IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

But you're still a little hot.

NILES

I'm glad you noticed

FRASIER

Oh fine it's favouritism now. We're not the ones who show you our 'we may kiss you or vomit on you, I haven't decided yet' eyes.

NILES

For God's sake what do I look like?

NILES WALKS TO THE BATHROOM AND STANDS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR PULLING FACES

DAPHNE

I'm not making you go back to work today am I?

SHE TAKES FRASIER'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE COUCH LIKE A LITTLE BOY WHO HAS JUST BEEN TOLD HE HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

It'll be fun, you'll be able to see all your friends again.

FRASIER

I don't want to see them, I want to stay here.

ROZ

But it's so boring staying around here.

FRASIER

It is not.

DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN SNEEZES

DAPHNE

Do you know how much trouble I'll be in if I keep you off school any longer, they'll lock me up, oh what am I saying? Dr. Crane you've milked this as long as possible, you're going back to work tomorrow.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

But I'm still so sick.

MARTIN

I have an idea

MARTIN TAKES THE THERMOMETERS AND PUTS THEM ON A LIGHT BULB. BEFORE DAPHNE COMES BACK THEY PUT THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS. NATURALLY THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY HOT AND THEY HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO PICKS UP THE TISSUES

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Look Daphne, look how high they really are.

DAPHNE

Do you think I was born yesterday?

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY ROZ WITH THE BIN

MARTIN

Well it was worth a try.

FRASIER

Worth a try? I've nearly burnt a hole in my tongue. It feels as if I've had it pierced.

MARTIN

It's all your fault, if you hadn't made so much noise on that piano.

FRASIER

How is this my fault? You're the one who got out of bed first and starting flinging tissues around the room. Niles back me up here. Niles! Niles! What the hell are you doing?

NILES COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM

NILES

Surely someone must be able to tell the difference. These are my 'come to bed' eyes and these are my 'I'm feeling ill' eyes.

FRASIER

Niles there is absolutely no difference.

MARTIN

If you ask me they both look like 'help I'm having an embolism' eyes.

ENTER ROZ

FRASIER

For God's sake Niles these are come to bed eyes.

FRASIER PULLS A FACE SIMILAR TO THE ONE THAT NILES DID

ROZ

You guys spend way too much time together. And what were they Frasier? No wonder you only see a little action every other leap year. Your eyebrow twitches like an electrocuted frog leg.

NILES

They look more like 'I haven't had a date in a while and I'm getting horny and desperate' eyes.

ROZ

These are come to bed eyes.

ROZ GRABS NILES' FACE AND STARES AT HIM SEDUCTIVELY

NILES

Oh like they would work.

FRASIER

But they look more like a command than an invitation. I'd be too scared about what you'd do to me. Now these are more friendly and much more likely to get a result.

FRASIER PULLS HIS FACE AGAIN AS EDDIE COMES RUNNING UP TO FRASIER AND SITS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE STARES AT HIM AND THEN BARKS

ROZ

You're right Frasier, those eyes have a real rare animal magnetism to them. At least my eyes get the right result.

NILES

With all due respect Roz, they look more like 'put the money on the dresser before you leave' eyes.

ROZ

Hey these eyes have worked wonders for me on more than a few occasions.

NILES

Oh I don't doubt it, we can tell by the way you walk.

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Well enough of this fun, but I need Daphne to run down the store for me if I am to return to work tomorrow looking my best.

MARTIN

No chance, it's two o'clock, it's time for my exercises.

FRASIER

Well surely that can wait.

MARTIN

I've been in bed for nearly a week, my hip is so stiff it may snap at any moment. We've been saying we're going to do it all day.

NILES

I'm sure both of those things can wait.

FRASIER

Oh Niles get your hormones in check.

NILES

Why should I go straight to the back of the list?

FRASIER

Because my needs are more important on this occasion.

MARTIN

More important than mine?

FRASIER

Yes.

NILES

And what are they?

FRASIER

I need dental floss.

MARTIN

Excuse me?

FRASIER

Well I am a celebrity and public figure.

NILES

You're on the radio, who will see you.

FRASIER

How about the groupies by the door.

MARTIN

You can hardly call a man who tries to get you to tattoo your signature on his stomach and a fifteen year old girl who wants to take a photo of Gill's taste buds groupies.

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ

NILES

That's it I win, she's mine.

MARTIN

Why do you win?

NILES

Because she's my girlfriend.

FRASIER

She's my employee.

MARTIN

Exactly and you hired her for me.

NILES

It was my suggestion in the first place.

DAPHNE

What is the matter with you three?

FRASIER

I just need you to run down the store for me.

MARTIN

But we have to do my exercises.

NILES JUST SHOWS HER HIS COME TO BED EYES

FRASIER

Remember who pays your wages.

MARTIN

You wouldn't have to if it wasn't for me.

NILES

Daphne, I've got vapour rub.

DAPHNE

Will you all stop it! (SHE COUGHS) Do you have any kind of consideration for me? I've done nothing but run around after you three for the last week. I've done everything that you've asked and only grumbled under my breath and have you given one thought for me? Have you stopped complaining to thank me once? (SHE SNEEZES) Have you given it a thought that maybe I might feel bad as well, before you send me off on an errand, or started with your none stop sexual pestering? Have you given it a thought that maybe I need to go to bed?

NILES

I have.

DAPHNE

Oh will you get a hold of yourself you horny idiot. (SHE COUGHS) That's it. There is nothing wrong with any of you any more. I've had enough, I'm going to bed until I feel better. (SHE COUGHS)

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

ROZ

May I suggest that you get dressed, tidy this place up and more importantly apologise?

FRASIER

Never a more truer word spoken.

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS NILES GOES TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

ROZ

Niles, don't even think about it.

NILES

I wasn't.

ROZ

But you were pulling that face.

NILES

This is my feeling guilty expression. My God can I only pull one face?

AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ BEGINS TO PICK THE TISSUES OFF EDDIE WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'SOUNDS, AND SWEET AIRS, THAT GIVE DELIGHT AND HURT NOT'

FADE IN:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — DAY — DAY/5
(Niles, Daphne)

NILES, WITHOUT HIS JACKET BUT STILL WEARING A SHIRT, TIE AND SUSPENDERS LIES ON TOP OF THE COVERS ON DAPHNE'S BED. DAPHNE LIES NEXT TO HIM UNDER THE COVERS IN HER DRESSING GOWN. SHE HAS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER AS HE HOLDS HER. THE ROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS AND A GET WELL BANNER

NILES

(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do. Did you ever hear a dream talking? Well I do. Did you ever have a dream thrill you, with will you be mine? Oh it's so grand and it's too, too divine. Did you ever see a dream dancing? Well I do. Did you ever see a dream romancing? Well I do. Did you ever find heaven right here in your arms saying I love you, I do? Well the dream that was walking and the dream that was talking and I have in my arms, was you.

DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN BLOWS HER NOSE BEFORE LYING BACK DOWN WHERE SHE WAS

DAPHNE

Sing it again.

NILES

Again?

DAPHNE

Please, I like it.

NILES

(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do.

AS NILES CONTINUES WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM CARRYING A TRAY WITH SOME DINNER ON AND A LARGE BUNCH OF FLOWERS. DAPHNE GOES TO THANK THEM BUT COUGHS VERY LONG AND HARD BEFORE SHE CAN. FRASIER AND MARTIN QUICKLY COVER THEIR MOUTHS AND BACK AWAY FROM HER. AS THEY SLOWLY EDGE TOWARDS THE DOOR, SHE NOTICES WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND THROWS A PILLOW AT THEM.