I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. I also don't own the rights to 'Did You Ever See A Dream.'
After nearly dying of the shock of receiving feedback, my heart was in a decent enough condition to post this one. So to encourage me into indulging some of the wondrous culinary delights of the hospital kitchen while I recover once again from the surprise, send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Enjoy…
Alternative Season Eight Episode Fourteen
Outbreak
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'POP GOES THE PIGEON?'
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Gill, Roz, Steve (V.O), Hank (V.O))
FRASIER PACES UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE HIS BOOTH, CHECKING HIS WATCH AS GILL ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER
FRASIER
Gill have you seen Roz?
GILL
Yes, she's your producer. I've met her on many occasions. In fact there was a time when she produced my show.
FRASIER
What are you talking about? Have you been to another wine tasting without me?
GILL
No. Have you been self-medicating again?
FRASIER
No! My show starts in three minutes and Roz still isn't here, I just wanted to know if you'd seen her.
GILL
Oh well why didn't you say so?
FRASIER
I thought I did.
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
So?
GILL
So what?
FRASIER
Oh God Gill, have you seen Roz, yes or no?
GILL
No.
FRASIER
Now was that so hard? I was only looking for a yes or no answer not for you to give me a brain haemorrhage from the aggravation.
GILL
In that case I won't bother to tell you she just walked into the booth. I'm so sorry to aggravate you.
EXIT GILL DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FRASIER RUSHES INTO HIS BOOTH
RESET TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS ROZ PUTS ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE LOOKS VERY UNWELL AND EXTREMELY PALE.
FRASIER
Roz, where have you been? Oh my God.
ROZ
What's the matter?
FRASIER HOLDS HER HANDS AND LOOKS AT HER
FRASIER
You look so pale Roz, like you've had your head in a bag of flour. I sure hope this hangover is worth it.
ROZ
It's not a hangover, I've caught some sort of flu off Alice.
FRASIER LET'S GO OF HER HANDS AND BACKS AWAY FROM HER
ROZ (CONT'D)
Thanks so much for your concern Frasier. Are you sure you don't want to go and disinfect yourself in a bucket of bleach?
FRASIER
I'm sorry Roz. Are you sure you're up to doing the show?
ROZ
I'm fine Frasier, now get in there, you're on in five.
FRASIER GOES INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH, PUTS ON HIS HEAD PHONES AND BEGINS HIS SHOW
FRASIER
Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz, who do we have on line one?
ROZ BLOWS HER NOSE EXTREMELY LOUDLY CAUSING THE SOUND TO RATTLE ACROSS THE AIRWAVES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Either that was Roz blowing her nose or the Titanic has finally docked in the parking lot. In which case I hope they don't mistake my car for an iceberg.
ROZ
I'm sorry Dr. Crane we have (COUGHS), on line (COUGHS), on line one (COUGHS), we have (COUGHS)…
FRASIER
Oh spit it out.
ROZ
Steve.
FRASIER
Hello Steve I'm listening.
STEVE
Hi, Dr. Crane. My situation is not really a problem, but more of a habit that I'm having trouble getting out of.
FRASIER
Force of habit can be a very controlling thing Steve, whether it's smoking, to washing your hands repeatedly, to something as simple as just going shopping everyday, they can all control your life. Now what exactly is your habit?
STEVE
I blow up pigeons.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
STEVE
I blow up pigeons. I learnt as a kid that if you give a pigeon some baking powder they explode. I've been going to the park everyday with a pot of baking powder since I was twelve. I'm now thirty-five, but I'm starting to think that it's maybe something that I shouldn't be doing, but I'm struggling to control the habit. (A BEAT) Dr. Crane? (A BEAT) Dr. Crane are you there?
FRASIER
Yes, I'm here Steve, I'm just struggling to come to terms with what you've just told me. How could you do this?
ROZ POURS HERSELF OUT A LITTLE PLASTIC CUP FULL OF RED COUGH MIXTURE
STEVE
Oh come on Dr. Crane they are vermin.
FRASIER
That's no excuse to actually blow them up from the inside.
ROZ GOES TO DRINK THE COUGH MIXTURE AT THE SAME TIME AS SHE UNFORTUNATELY SNEEZES. THE COUGH MIXTURE COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH AND SPLATS ON THE GLASS PARTITION BETWEEN HER AND FRASIER. THE SUDDEN SPLAT OF THE COUGH MIXTURE PUTS FRASIER OFF HIS CALL.
A BEAT
STEVE
Dr. Crane are you still there?
FRASIER
(RUSHING TO FINISH) Yes, I'm here Steve. My advice to you is to stop going to places with pigeons or just leave your baking powder at home. I'll be back after this.
FRASIER CUTS TO A COMMERCIAL, TAKES OFF HIS HEAD PHONES AND RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH
ROZ
I'm sorry Frasier.
FRASIER
Sorry? I'm discussing exploding pigeons and suddenly the booth is covered in some sort of red substance. It looks as if your head exploded.
ROZ
Yes, because that happens so much in the greater Seattle area. Only spontaneous combustion and being disembowelled by chicken's kills more people each year. It's cough mixture. I'll clean it up.
ROZ CLIMBS ONTO THE CONSOLE AND STARTS TO RUB THE COUGH MIXTURE OFF THE GLASS WITH HER SLEEVE
FRASIER
Oh Roz don't use your sleeve.
ROZ
Well I'm not licking it off. I've seen Noel rub himself up the glass with his pants around his ankles.
FRASIER
Roz, just sit down. Now you are not all right. You obviously have a fever and possibly some troll blindness from you incident with Noel and I now have a horrifying mental image to contend with. I seriously think you should go home.
ROZ
Frasier, I understand your concern but I'm fine.
ROZ COUGHS A REALLY CHESTY COUGH AND THEN SNIFFS UNTIL HER NOSE UNBLOCKS. FRASIER JUST STARES AT HER
FRASIER
I'm glad to see you're still taking those etiquette lessons Miss Doolittle. Remember cover your mouth when you cough Roz.
FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND CONTINUES WITH HIS SHOW
FRASIER (CONT'D)
And we're back. Roz who do we have next?
ROZ
We have…
ROZ PAUSES AND SWALLOWS
ROZ (CONT'D)
We have…
SHE SWALLOWS AGAIN AND PUTS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH
ROZ (CONT'D)
We have… oh my God, I think I'm going to hurl.
ROZ RUNS AND EXITS FROM HER BOOTH
ROZ (CONT'D)
(OFFSTAGE) Get out of my way.
HANK
Actually my names Hank not Earl. Hello? Can anyone hear me?
GILL
(OFFSTAGE) Oh you have to be kidding, I just bought these shoes.
ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS HE STARES OUT THE DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie)
FRASIER SITS AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HEAD COVERED WITH A TEA TOWEL OVER A BOWL OF HOT WATER AS MARTIN AND EDDIE TRY IN VAIN TO PUSH HIS CHAIR AWAY FROM FRASIER
FRASIER
I'm warning you Dad, if you scratch that floor, you might find that Eddie has a few scratches on him from his adventures with the inside of the garbage disposal and his bungy jump off the roof. Only this will be a bungy jump without the bungy. It'll just be a jump or in this case a throw.
MARTIN
Well I'm sorry but I don't want to catch it.
FRASIER
Thanks for the sympathy Dad.
MARTIN SITS ON THE COUCH AS FAR AWAY FROM FRASIER AS POSSIBLE
MARTIN
Like the sympathy I got off you when I was shot?
FRASIER
I'm sorry but how could I pass up Opera tickets like that? It was a once in a lifetime event. If it makes you feel any better you got your own back when you switched rooms and never told me. I'd already picked out the suit you were going to wear when I found you in that side room making the man in the coma cry.
MARTIN
Can't you do that in your room?
FRASIER
Oh I see out of sight, out of mind.
MARTIN
And out of audio range, it's much easier to ignore you when you're in your room.
FRASIER
Well I apologise Dad, remind me to die more quietly from now on, I can see just how distressing this is for you to see me like this.
ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Good lord Dr. Crane what are you doing?
FRASIER
What does it look like I'm doing?
NILES
Like you've found the cheapest way possible to drown. Now some people would choose to jump in Puget Sound with a bucket of cement strapped it their feet. Not many would choose to drown via a saucer of boiling water.
MARTIN
A saucer of bottled boiling water.
FRASIER
I've caught something off Roz.
NILES
You're not the first and you won't be the last. Do you want me to prescribe you something to save you the embarrassment of going to the doctors?
FRASIER
I've caught the flu Niles.
NILES
Oh yes of course.
FRASIER
I have not slept with Roz if that's what you are implying.
DAPHNE
Of course you haven't, she'd eat you alive and pick her teeth with a rib if you ever entered into so much as a clinch with Roz.
FRASIER
And once again the sympathy I get off you people just astounds me.
DAPHNE
Well what do you want us to do? Call a Priest and hold a prayer vigil? Or announce it to the press and have a Frasier flu remembrance Sunday?
NILES
I could play a medley of Opera death scenes on the piano if you like, while Dad and Daphne scatter rose petals around you.
FRASIER
How about some tea and a little less sarcasm?
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
Hey Niles, come here.
FRASIER
Do not even attempt to help him move that chair. After I've squeezed Eddie in the garbage disposal, I won't hesitate in letting you two follow him.
MARTIN
I wasn't going to ask him that.
FRASIER
Then I apologise.
NILES
And anyway Dad's cane would brake the blades.
FRASIER
Not if I use it to stuff you in there.
MARTIN
I was going to ask him to help me hold your head under the water, actually.
ENTER DAPHNE
FRASIER
I am not sitting in my room.
MARTIN
Then will you stop breathing?
FRASIER
Yes, Dad, anything you say. And for my second trick I'll walk across water while balancing an elephant on my nose.
NILES
What is the matter with you?
MARTIN
I don't want to catch.
DAPHNE
Me neither.
NILES
That makes three of us.
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry, shall I just lock myself down in the storage space until the plague has left my system?
NILES
I'm sorry Frasier.
MARTIN
I'm not, I don't want to catch it.
AS MARTIN COVERS HIS MOUTH WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: 'SWIMMING POOLS OF THE SMALL AND HAIRY'
FADE IN:
INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — DAY — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Eddie)
MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING VERY UNWELL WITH EDDIE BY HIS FEET
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) Daphne!
ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE
What now?
MARTIN
Nothing I'm just lonely in here all by myself.
DAPHNE
You've got Eddie.
MARTIN
He's not exactly much of a conversationalist. The only noise he's made all morning is that grunting sound when he was licks himself.
DAPHNE
Well that's an activity you can do together. And anyway how is this different from what you normally do during the day and you're not lonely then. You've just swapped your chair for your bed. I know why don't you go and sit with your son?
MARTIN
No, it's his fault I'm like this in the first place.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!
MARTIN
Daphne can you bring me a sandwich? I'm wasting away here.
DAPHNE EXITS MARTIN'S ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER LIES IN BED LOOKING AS BAD AS MARTIN DOES. ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE
And what can I do for you?
FRASIER
Can you get me a glass of water please?
DAPHNE
You're not more than ten feet away from a tap.
FRASIER
I'm not drinking tap water. What do you think I buy bottled water for, because the bottles look pretty?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
DAPHNE ENTERS CHUNTERING TO HERSELF
DAPHNE
They won't look so pretty after I've stuffed one up your…
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, ENTER NILES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Niles, honey.
THEY KISS
NILES
You're not ready.
DAPHNE
Ready for what?
NILES
We were going out for lunch.
DAPHNE
Oh I'm sorry but I've been looking after the flem creatures all morning, I haven't given it a thought.
NILES PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AS IF TRYING TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK
NILES
And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN LIES IN BED
MARTIN
Frasier!
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) I thought you weren't speaking to me.
MARTIN
I wasn't but I've made my point.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) What point? That you're a child?
MARTIN
Will you come and open my window? It's so stuffy in here.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
I feel just as bad as you do, so there is little to no chance of me getting out of bed to do it.
MARTIN
But you're younger than I am.
FRASIER
Exactly I've got to pace myself for all the years I have ahead. Ask Daphne she's younger than both of us.
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
Daphne! Daphne! Daphne! I don't think she can hear me. Daphne!
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Daphne!
MARTIN
Daphne!
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!
ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE
What?
MARTIN
Will you open my window?
DAPHNE
You lazy old sod.
MARTIN
Oh come on Daph I'm sick and all this bed rest has made my hip so stiff. And I was saving my last ounce of strength for that long trek to the bathroom but if you want me to use it for this…
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake, no you just stay there.
DAPHNE OPENS THE WINDOW AND EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
And what do you want?
FRASIER
Oh nothing I was just calling you for Dad.
DAPHNE
Why because he wasn't shouting loud enough?
FRASIER
Did you get me my water?
DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE WATER. HE DOESN'T TAKE IT BUT INSTEAD JUST STARES AT IT
DAPHNE
Here. What's the matter?
FRASIER
It has ice cubes in it.
DAPHNE
That's very well spotted Dr. Crane. There's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
FRASIER
I didn't want ice cubes.
DAPHNE
I'll tell you where you'll have bloody ice cubes next.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE LOOKING EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AS NILES WALKS TO HER
NILES
Daphne, I really feel that you should unclench.
DAPHNE
And I will, I just need to get your brother some water.
SFX: PHONE RINGING
DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
AS DAPHNE TALKS ON THE PHONE SHE QUICKLY MAKES A SANDWICH
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Hello? Oh hi Roz. How are you feeling?
DAPHNE PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HER EAR AS WE HEAR ROZ COUGHING VERY LOUDLY THROUGH IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
That good? It's worse now, Mr. Crane's caught it. Believe me you're not half as sorry as I am. Yes, just a second.
DAPHNE TAKES OUT THE ICE CUBES FROM FRASIER'S WATER AND THROWS THEM IN THE SINK
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING THE PHONE, THE WATER AND THE SANDWICH. SHE HANDS FRASIER THE GLASS AND THE PHONE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Here's your water and here's Roz.
FRASIER
Oh hi Roz.
DAPHNE EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN HIS SANDWICH
DAPHNE
One sandwich.
MARTIN DOESN'T TAKE THE SANDWICH BUT JUST STARES AT IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
What's the matter?
MARTIN
You cut the crusts off.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne!
DAPHNE BEGINNING TO GET FRUSTRATED SNATCHES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AND EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO STANDS BY THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS
DAPHNE
What now?
FRASIER
This water's still too cold from the ice cubes.
DAPHNE
Just give me a moment and I'll bung it in the microwave for you.
DAPHNE TAKES THE WATER AND EXITS
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) Frasier it's coming your way.
ENTER EDDIE RUNNING FROM MARTIN'S ROOM WITH A PAD IN HIS MOUTH. FRASIER TAKES THE PAD OFF EDDIE
FRASIER
OK bye Roz. Dad, I can't see where you put your cross, Eddie's drawl has smeared the ink again.
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) Trust me I was one move away from certain victory.
FRASIER
It's naught's and crosses, you're always one move away from certain victory. I'm not playing anymore.
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) Well it's impossible to play charades and I'm not playing eye spy again. You kept cheating.
FRASIER
Is it my fault that I can see different things from here than what you can?
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) You can not see a forest troll from your room.
FRASIER
Well in a dim light with my eyes squinted it looked like a troll. It's not as ludicrous as it sounds.
MARTIN
It was an angora sweater. How could you possibly get the two confused? You don't often see people in department store dressing rooms wrapping a tiny forest troll around their shoulders and buying them as gifts for Christmas for people who live in a cool climate.
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry it looked like a troll.
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) And anyway even if it was a troll. What would he be doing in there in the first place? And how would he have got up here?
FRASIER
I don't know, maybe he mistook my cupboard for his part of the forest, it could happen. Oh hell I don't know I'm drowsy, I have a fever.
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
If you were any kind of son you'd come in here and keep me company.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Well I'm sorry Dad, but I want to lie down and I'm not sharing a bed with you. I want to save something for when we are both old, senile, incontinent and living in Florida.
MARTIN
Now that's something to look forward to, sleeping on a plastic sheet with my son.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Just keep praying that you won't have to share it with Niles as well. Dad, will you close that window, it's blowing in here and it's cold.
MARTIN
No, I'm hot.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) That's because you have a fever.
MARTIN
I knew I sent you to medical school for some reason.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
If you won't do it, I'll get Daphne to. Daphne! Daphne!
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne don't you listen to him! Daphne, stay away!
ENTER NILES
NILES
What is the matter with you two? Daphne has done nothing but run around after you for days, do you not think it's time you give her a rest, so she can spend some time with me.
FRASIER
I'm so sorry Niles, is us being sick interfering with your sex life? Because if you're getting desperate there's some soft fruit in the kitchen. Squeeze away.
NILES
Now what is the matter?
FRASIER
Dad won't shut his window.
MARTIN
Well I'm hot.
NILES
Then why don't you both shut your doors?
FRASIER & MARTIN
Because it's too far to walk.
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN ANOTHER SANDWICH
DAPHNE
One sandwich with crusts.
MARTIN
Did you put butter on this?
DAPHNE TAKES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AGAIN AND EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER'S HIS WATER
DAPHNE
Here you go, one water.
FRASIER
It's still too cold.
DAPHNE
For God's sake, normally if it's not cold enough to stick your tongue to you won't touch it.
FRASIER
But I'm cold, I want it at room temperature, you know like your cooking.
DAPHNE
Oh room temperature, why didn't you say so?
EXIT DAPHNE
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MOMENTS LATER
DAPHNE ENTERS AND PUSHES EDDIE AWAY FROM HIS WATER BOWL AND POURS THE CONTENTS INTO FRASIER'S GLASS. SHE THEN DIPS HER FINGER INTO IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
That's better perfect room temperature. Oh don't look at me like that Eddie. The toilet seat lids up, knock yourself out.
SHE THEN TAKES OFF THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD FROM THE SANDWICH AND REPLACES THEM WITH FRESH PIECES
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY AND EDDIE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM
NILES
You've run around after them enough for one day. Now come and sit down.
DAPHNE
I'll just take Dr. Crane his water and Mr. Crane's sandwich first.
RESET TO:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
AS DAPHNE WALKS PAST SHE THROWS MARTIN HIS SANDWICH
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Here catch, one crusty, butterless sandwich.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER HIS WATER YET AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
There you go, if that's not room temperature I don't know what is.
FRASIER
That's perfect. Actually that tastes rather nice. Is it a different brand?
DAPHNE
Yes, from drawl creek I believe.
FRASIER
I quite like that.
DAPHNE
I'm glad. I know a place where we can get an unlimited supply.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
ENTER DAPHNE WHO JOINS NILES ON THE COUCH
NILES
Now come and sit down and rest your feet.
HE BEGINS TO RUB HER FEET
DAPHNE
I'm sorry I forgot about lunch.
NILES
That's OK, we can go out tonight.
EDDIE STARTS TO BARK FRANTICALLY FROM THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE
What on earth's the matter with him?
NILES
You sit, I'll look.
NILES LOOKS INTO THE BATHROOM
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
What is it?
NILES CARRIES EDDIE OUT OF THE BATHROOM AT ARMS LENGTH, DRIPPING WET
NILES
I think he fell in the toilet.
DAPHNE
He's dripping. Hold him still while I get a towel.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
NILES
Can you hurry Daphne, I don't like touching dogs at the best of times, let alone when they have been swimming in toilet water. I hope to God, no one forgot to flush it after it's last use.
EDDIE TRIES TO SHAKE HIMSELF BUT CAN'T AS NILES KEEPS A TIGHT GRIP
NILES (CONT'D)
No Eddie, keep still. No Eddie, good boy. No Eddie.
EDDIE BEGINS TO WRIGGLE AS HE TRIES IN VAIN TO SHAKE HIMSELF
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne quick he's trying to shake himself.
JUST AS DAPHNE ENTERS EDDIE MANAGES TO SHAKE HIMSELF, SPRAYING TOILET WATER ALL OVER THE APARTMENT, NOT TO MENTION COVERING NILES FROM HEAD TO FOOT IN IT. NILES PLACES EDDIE ON THE FLOOR AND TRIES TO SPIT SOME OF THE WATER OUT OF HIS MOUTH
NILES (CONT'D)
What were the odds that I'd have my mouth open at that very moment?
DAPHNE
Here's a towel.
NILES
I'll have that, Eddie appears to be dry now.
EDDIE JUMPS ON THE COUCH AND STARTS TO ROLL AROUND
DAPHNE
Get off there you little rat.
EDDIE EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Come back here.
NILES
Daphne, leave him and come and sit down.
NILES BEGINS TO RUB HIS HEAD WITH THE TOWEL
DAPHNE
Hold still a second.
DAPHNE WIPES SOMETHING OFF HIS HEAD
NILES
(PANIC STRICKEN) What? What is it?
DAPHNE
Nothing, nothing.
NILES
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
It was a bit of dog hair. This has been a nightmare day.
NILES
I know what'll make it better. I'll take you out tonight, you can stop at the Montana and forget all about this.
DAPHNE
That'll be nice.
NILES GOES TO KISS HER BUT PULLS AWAY BEFORE HE CAN AND SNEEZES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
What was that?
NILES
What was what?
DAPHNE
You just sneezed.
NILES
No I didn't.
DAPHNE
Yes you did.
NILES
No, I just had too much air in my nose.
DAPHNE
You're a doctor you'd think you could come up with a better excuse than that.
NILES
Forget about it.
NILES ONCE AGAIN GOES TO KISS HER BUT HAS TO STOP BECAUSE HE SNEEZES
DAPHNE
Oh not you as well.
NILES
Daphne I'm fine.
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Eddie's all wet and he's rolling on my bed.
MARTIN
(OFFSTAGE) No one is to go near him with a hair dryer do you hear me?
FRASIER
(OFFSTAGE) Oh he won't melt Dad, he's not plastic.
DAPHNE HOLDS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AS NILES SNEEZES AGAIN AS WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3
(Daphne, Niles)
SFX: DOORBELL
ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM DRESSED FOR AN EVENING OUT
DAPHNE
I'm off now, you boys be good.
DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES, WHO IS LEANING UP THE DOOR FRAME WITH HIS TIE UNDONE AROUND HIS NECK
NILES
I'm sick.
DAPHNE
Come on in.
DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM AND HELPS HIM INTO THE APARTMENT AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: 'SHE FORGOT TO MENTION HE WAS ALSO A TAXIDERMIST'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/4
(Roz, Daphne)
DAPHNE LIES ASLEEP WITH HER HEAD ON THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Oh hi Daphne. Daphne!
DAPHNE WAKES UP WITH A START, A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE SHE IS
DAPHNE
I'll just get it.
ROZ
What?
DAPHNE
Oh hi Roz.
ROZ
Are you all right, you were fast asleep?
DAPHNE
I am absolutely exhausted.
DAPHNE SNEEZES
ROZ
Why?
DAPHNE
Niles has caught the flu as well now. So I've now got three children to run around after.
ROZ
I am so sorry.
DAPHNE
Oh it's not your fault.
ROZ
So Niles is stopping with you at the moment?
DAPHNE
That's right. And the nasal spray he's using seems to be having some sort of strange effect that's not mentioned on the advert. It's making him as horny as a stoat? It's like liquid Viagra.
ROZ
Really? Well no wonder you're tired.
DAPHNE
Are you kidding? It's not exactly the biggest turn on in the world when some one is showing you their 'come to bed' eyes while they've got a bottle of nasal spray stuck up their nose and then before you answer turn away and cough their guts up.
ROZ
Wait a second. Niles has 'come to bed' eyes?
DAPHNE
It's the face he pulls when he looks as if he's eaten a bad clam. It took me a while to work that one out.
ROZ
Well nothing puts you in the mood for sex like a look of wanting a stomach pump.
DAPHNE
At first I didn't know if he was going to kiss me or throw up on me. Saying that the way he's feeling at the moment I still don't.
DAPHNE COUGHS
ROZ
It's probably not a good idea fooling around until he feels better anyway.
DAPHNE
Why's that?
ROZ
Well if he can't breathe properly at the moment, it's probably not a good idea to get him a little over excited. You don't want him passing out on you. And this is Niles we're talking about, he can barely turn on the blender without hyperventilating.
DAPHNE
At the minute we're not getting that far. He hasn't got the strength to turn on the blender let alone anything else. And for me the smell of vapour rub coming towards me doesn't exactly get me excited even if it is Niles. So how are things with you?
ROZ
Well apart from owing Gill five hundred dollars for a new pair of shoes, not bad. I had a date last night.
DAPHNE
How did it go?
ROZ
Not good, he had to leave at eight o'clock so that he could go home and wash his father.
DAPHNE
That's not so bad. It shows he's caring, if he'd look after him like that.
ROZ
His father's dead.
DAPHNE
I see.
ROZ
He's insane. He's refusing to let the body go. He spends his night's hand cuffed to him in case his family tries to take him away and bury him in the night.
DAPHNE
Where do you meet these people?
ROZ
He called into the show.
DAPHNE
That should have been your first tip that all was not right in his head.
ROZ
And if that didn't the fact that he picked me up in a hearse should have. Since my afternoon is free, do you want me to come and help with the patients?
DAPHNE
Only if you really want to. I wouldn't want you to catch it again, I've already had to hang a white pillow case outside the apartment so people walk well clear of the door since the neighbours came down with it.
ROZ
Is it really that bad?
DAPHNE
All we need now is someone standing out in the hall pushing a cart, ringing a bell and yelling 'bring out your dead'.
DAPHNE SNEEZES
ROZ
Even I wasn't that sick.
DAPHNE
But Dr and Mr Crane have a way of making everything seem ten times worse than it is. And it's difficult to get them to do anything when I'm battling with Niles who's all over me like a rash.
AS THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER ROZ'S COFFEE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. ALL THREE ARE WEARING THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. THEY ALL LOOK A LOT BETTER. IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION IS A BIN WHICH ALL THREE ATTEMPT TO THROW OLD HANDKERCHIEFS IN TO
MARTIN
Come on now boys, it's all in the wrist.
FRASIER
Dad are you sure we should be doing this?
MARTIN
Sure, why not?
NILES
Well it's not really very hygienic.
FRASIER
And add that to the fact that Niles can't throw and I now have two germ ridden handkerchiefs stuck to the television screen, one in the kitchen, three on the wall, about half a dozen behind me and three welded to Eddie.
NILES
How come I get no credit for hitting a moving target.
FRASIER
Eddie was two feet away staring at me. I hardly call that a moving target.
MARTIN
Try Frasier's mouth, that's a constantly moving target.
FRASIER
And what does that mean?
NILES
In many ways Dad's point represents the chaos theory. If you could keep your mouth still for at least a small proportion of the day, it would stop the continued threat of tidal waves on the opposite side of the world.
FRASIER
The opposite side of the world is mainly desert. There is no water let alone tidal waves.
MARTIN
That's why it's so amazing.
FRASIER
Dad, now get that one out of that vase.
MARTIN
All right then fine, but I'm having my programme on.
FRASIER
Oh Dad do you have to? How many times can you enjoy watching a man get handcuffed?
MARTIN
As many times as I like now I've started taping them.
NILES
You know I had a patient who was obsessed with this show. He was desperate to appear on it until one day he did.
FRASIER
Oh is this the fellow who strangled all the squirrels on his block and then made his getaway on a bicycle down the freeway with a hamster in the basket?
NILES
That's him.
MARTIN
I thought you weren't allowed to talk about these things. Something to do with doctor, patient confidentiality.
NILES
Normally I wouldn't, but in this case it's fine to talk about it since he wants to include me in the writing on his book.
FRASIER
Niles!
NILES
I get to write two chapters myself about our sessions.
FRASIER
How can you call my call-in show a disgrace to the profession when you are going to contribute to this lunatics literally garbage?
NILES
It's a five-figure deal Frasier.
FRASIER
I'll see you at the book launch. Hey I've an idea. Niles come and play the piano with me.
FRASIER WALKS TO THE PIANO AND SITS DOWN AS NILES LIES ON THE COUCH
NILES
Oh Frasier, I haven't the strength to move all the way over there.
FRASIER
Well I can't bring the piano to you.
NILES
Why not, it's got wheels?
FRASIER
Yes and there's also furniture and a step in the way, so think again. And what do you mean you don't have the strength? You had enough strength to run in the kitchen while I was in the bathroom and eat my chocolate eclair.
NILES
Actually that was Dad.
MARTIN
Actually that was Eddie, I dropped it.
FRASIER
Oh Niles come on.
NILES
Frasier I'm too tired to chew my food let alone go over there and play the piano.
ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Hello boys
NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP AND WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE
NILES
Hello Daphne.
ROZ
Oh my God, who's been throwing tissues at Eddie?
FRASIER
That would be Niles. Roz and why are we blessed with this surprise visit?
ROZ
I just wanted to see how the patients are doing. After all I am feeling partly responsible for this quarantine.
DAPHNE SNEEZES
MARTIN
Bless you. Partly?
FRASIER
Yes Dad, Roz has always had a problem with fractions. She means partly in the same sense, as the rats were partly to blame for the spread of the bubonic plague.
ROZ
How am I to blame? I didn't give it to Martin or Niles.
NILES
It seems like you and I are the only men left in Seattle Dad that she hasn't give it to in one way or another.
ROZ
Shut up.
MARTIN
I told you to sit in your room but would you listen?
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry but I could have died in there and no one would have been any the wiser.
DAPHNE
Oh we'd have found out eventually, when Eddie stopped eating his dinner and we kept hearing a gnawing noise coming from your room. And I'm not making that up, it actually happened. I do still feel a little guilty, but how was I to know he wasn't actually stretching? I didn't know how flexible he was.
NILES
You can't say the same about me.
DAPHNE
Oh not again. I'm going to sue the makers of that bloody nasal spray.
NILES
What's the problem? At least I can breath through my nose now.
NILES CLOSES HIS MOUTH AND HAS A HORRIFIC TIME TRYING TO BREATHE
FRASIER
Niles you're turning blue.
NILES
(GASPING FOR AIR) So are you impressed? It proves I'm feeling better and you know what that mean?
DAPHNE
Not in the slightest. Anyone can turn that colour if you lock yourself in the freezer for a couple of days.
MARTIN
That reminds me of a game we used to play at the station.
ROZ
You used to lock each other in the freezer?
MARTIN
No, although we did use to get a guy real drunk and then leave him on a slate in the morgue. We used to put some money in a pot and the person who could hold their breath the longest without passing out won the jackpot. Al always used to win.
ROZ
Couldn't that lead to brain damage?
MARTIN
That would explain why he used to spray paint his horse yellow and ride him into Puget Sound.
FRASIER
And the city sleeps safe tonight in the knowledge that we are well protected by our Police service.
FRASIER BEGINS TO PLAY THE PIANO AS DAPHNE GOES AROUND THE ROOM, PUTTING THERMOMETER'S INTO FRASIER, MARTIN AND NILES' MOUTHS, SHE THEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE STARTS TO CLEAN UP THE FOOD OFF THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS, STILL WITH THE THERMOMETER IN HIS MOUTH, AND SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER, SHE DOESN'T TURN BUT KNOWS HE IS THERE
DAPHNE
And what can I do for you?
DAPHNE TURNS AS NILES PULLS A FACE THAT MAKES HIM LOOK QUITE SICK, WHILE PLAYING WITH THE THERMOMETER WITH HIS TONGUE MAKING IT POINT TO THE CEILING. DAPHNE LOOKS AT HIM PUZZLED
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Niles are you feeling all right?
NILES SIGHS AND PULLS THE FACE AGAIN BUT WITH MORE EMPHASIS AS ROZ ENTERS AND JOINS DAPHNE IN LOOKING PUZZLED AT HIM
ROZ
Niles are you all right, you look as if you ate a bad clam.
DAPHNE FINALLY REALISES
DAPHNE
Oh! He's fine Roz.
ROZ REALISES
ROZ
Oh!
EXIT ROZ AS NILES TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF HIS MOUTH
NILES
What does that mean? Oh?
DAPHNE
Let's have that back in your mouth please. I'm sorry I was just telling Roz that your 'come to bed' eyes could easily be confused with your 'come to the emergency room' eyes.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN AND FRASIER BEGIN TO ARGUE, BUT WITH THE THERMOMETERS STILL IN THEIR MOUTHS, WHICH MAKES WHAT THEY SAY BARELY AUDIBLE LET ALONE UNDERSTANDABLE
MARTIN
Will you stop playing that? How am I supposed to hear my show?
FRASIER
Dad, they're reading him his rights. You know how it goes.
ENTER DAPHNE WITH NILES FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND
DAPHNE
Will you boys stop fighting? Now let me look at these.
SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETERS OUT OF FRASIER AND MARTIN'S MOUTHS AND CHECKS THEM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Normal and normal. Right that means you're going to work tomorrow and you're getting dressed tomorrow.
MARTIN
How can you say that Daphne? I'm still so sick.
FRASIER
So am I.
DAPHNE
There's nothing wrong with either of you.
MARTIN
But we're sick.
DAPHNE
You are not sick.
SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF NILES' MOUTH AND CHECKS IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
But you're still a little hot.
NILES
I'm glad you noticed
FRASIER
Oh fine it's favouritism now. We're not the ones who show you our 'we may kiss you or vomit on you, I haven't decided yet' eyes.
NILES
For God's sake what do I look like?
NILES WALKS TO THE BATHROOM AND STANDS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR PULLING FACES
DAPHNE
I'm not making you go back to work today am I?
SHE TAKES FRASIER'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE COUCH LIKE A LITTLE BOY WHO HAS JUST BEEN TOLD HE HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
It'll be fun, you'll be able to see all your friends again.
FRASIER
I don't want to see them, I want to stay here.
ROZ
But it's so boring staying around here.
FRASIER
It is not.
DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN SNEEZES
DAPHNE
Do you know how much trouble I'll be in if I keep you off school any longer, they'll lock me up, oh what am I saying? Dr. Crane you've milked this as long as possible, you're going back to work tomorrow.
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
But I'm still so sick.
MARTIN
I have an idea
MARTIN TAKES THE THERMOMETERS AND PUTS THEM ON A LIGHT BULB. BEFORE DAPHNE COMES BACK THEY PUT THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS. NATURALLY THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY HOT AND THEY HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS
ENTER DAPHNE WHO PICKS UP THE TISSUES
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Look Daphne, look how high they really are.
DAPHNE
Do you think I was born yesterday?
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY ROZ WITH THE BIN
MARTIN
Well it was worth a try.
FRASIER
Worth a try? I've nearly burnt a hole in my tongue. It feels as if I've had it pierced.
MARTIN
It's all your fault, if you hadn't made so much noise on that piano.
FRASIER
How is this my fault? You're the one who got out of bed first and starting flinging tissues around the room. Niles back me up here. Niles! Niles! What the hell are you doing?
NILES COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM
NILES
Surely someone must be able to tell the difference. These are my 'come to bed' eyes and these are my 'I'm feeling ill' eyes.
FRASIER
Niles there is absolutely no difference.
MARTIN
If you ask me they both look like 'help I'm having an embolism' eyes.
ENTER ROZ
FRASIER
For God's sake Niles these are come to bed eyes.
FRASIER PULLS A FACE SIMILAR TO THE ONE THAT NILES DID
ROZ
You guys spend way too much time together. And what were they Frasier? No wonder you only see a little action every other leap year. Your eyebrow twitches like an electrocuted frog leg.
NILES
They look more like 'I haven't had a date in a while and I'm getting horny and desperate' eyes.
ROZ
These are come to bed eyes.
ROZ GRABS NILES' FACE AND STARES AT HIM SEDUCTIVELY
NILES
Oh like they would work.
FRASIER
But they look more like a command than an invitation. I'd be too scared about what you'd do to me. Now these are more friendly and much more likely to get a result.
FRASIER PULLS HIS FACE AGAIN AS EDDIE COMES RUNNING UP TO FRASIER AND SITS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE STARES AT HIM AND THEN BARKS
ROZ
You're right Frasier, those eyes have a real rare animal magnetism to them. At least my eyes get the right result.
NILES
With all due respect Roz, they look more like 'put the money on the dresser before you leave' eyes.
ROZ
Hey these eyes have worked wonders for me on more than a few occasions.
NILES
Oh I don't doubt it, we can tell by the way you walk.
ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Well enough of this fun, but I need Daphne to run down the store for me if I am to return to work tomorrow looking my best.
MARTIN
No chance, it's two o'clock, it's time for my exercises.
FRASIER
Well surely that can wait.
MARTIN
I've been in bed for nearly a week, my hip is so stiff it may snap at any moment. We've been saying we're going to do it all day.
NILES
I'm sure both of those things can wait.
FRASIER
Oh Niles get your hormones in check.
NILES
Why should I go straight to the back of the list?
FRASIER
Because my needs are more important on this occasion.
MARTIN
More important than mine?
FRASIER
Yes.
NILES
And what are they?
FRASIER
I need dental floss.
MARTIN
Excuse me?
FRASIER
Well I am a celebrity and public figure.
NILES
You're on the radio, who will see you.
FRASIER
How about the groupies by the door.
MARTIN
You can hardly call a man who tries to get you to tattoo your signature on his stomach and a fifteen year old girl who wants to take a photo of Gill's taste buds groupies.
ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ
NILES
That's it I win, she's mine.
MARTIN
Why do you win?
NILES
Because she's my girlfriend.
FRASIER
She's my employee.
MARTIN
Exactly and you hired her for me.
NILES
It was my suggestion in the first place.
DAPHNE
What is the matter with you three?
FRASIER
I just need you to run down the store for me.
MARTIN
But we have to do my exercises.
NILES JUST SHOWS HER HIS COME TO BED EYES
FRASIER
Remember who pays your wages.
MARTIN
You wouldn't have to if it wasn't for me.
NILES
Daphne, I've got vapour rub.
DAPHNE
Will you all stop it! (SHE COUGHS) Do you have any kind of consideration for me? I've done nothing but run around after you three for the last week. I've done everything that you've asked and only grumbled under my breath and have you given one thought for me? Have you stopped complaining to thank me once? (SHE SNEEZES) Have you given it a thought that maybe I might feel bad as well, before you send me off on an errand, or started with your none stop sexual pestering? Have you given it a thought that maybe I need to go to bed?
NILES
I have.
DAPHNE
Oh will you get a hold of yourself you horny idiot. (SHE COUGHS) That's it. There is nothing wrong with any of you any more. I've had enough, I'm going to bed until I feel better. (SHE COUGHS)
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM
ROZ
May I suggest that you get dressed, tidy this place up and more importantly apologise?
FRASIER
Never a more truer word spoken.
FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS NILES GOES TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM
ROZ
Niles, don't even think about it.
NILES
I wasn't.
ROZ
But you were pulling that face.
NILES
This is my feeling guilty expression. My God can I only pull one face?
AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ BEGINS TO PICK THE TISSUES OFF EDDIE WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: 'SOUNDS, AND SWEET AIRS, THAT GIVE DELIGHT AND HURT NOT'
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — DAY — DAY/5
(Niles, Daphne)
NILES, WITHOUT HIS JACKET BUT STILL WEARING A SHIRT, TIE AND SUSPENDERS LIES ON TOP OF THE COVERS ON DAPHNE'S BED. DAPHNE LIES NEXT TO HIM UNDER THE COVERS IN HER DRESSING GOWN. SHE HAS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER AS HE HOLDS HER. THE ROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS AND A GET WELL BANNER
NILES
(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do. Did you ever hear a dream talking? Well I do. Did you ever have a dream thrill you, with will you be mine? Oh it's so grand and it's too, too divine. Did you ever see a dream dancing? Well I do. Did you ever see a dream romancing? Well I do. Did you ever find heaven right here in your arms saying I love you, I do? Well the dream that was walking and the dream that was talking and I have in my arms, was you.
DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN BLOWS HER NOSE BEFORE LYING BACK DOWN WHERE SHE WAS
DAPHNE
Sing it again.
NILES
Again?
DAPHNE
Please, I like it.
NILES
(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do.
AS NILES CONTINUES WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM CARRYING A TRAY WITH SOME DINNER ON AND A LARGE BUNCH OF FLOWERS. DAPHNE GOES TO THANK THEM BUT COUGHS VERY LONG AND HARD BEFORE SHE CAN. FRASIER AND MARTIN QUICKLY COVER THEIR MOUTHS AND BACK AWAY FROM HER. AS THEY SLOWLY EDGE TOWARDS THE DOOR, SHE NOTICES WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND THROWS A PILLOW AT THEM.
