I do not own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions.

To Elaine, he was more beautiful and more brilliant then I ever imagined or could ever describe to you.

Feedback would be appreciated, kelly_simba@hotmail.com


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Fifteen
A Gourmet Food Fight

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'THINGS THAT GO AHHHH IN THE NIGHT'

FADE IN:

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/1
(Niles, Daphne)

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. SUDDENLY NILES WAKES WITH A START, SHOUTS AND PUTS HIS ARM ACROSS TO SEE IF DAPHNE IS STILL LYING NEXT TO HIM. WHEN HE FEELS SHE IS HE LET'S OUT A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF

DAPHNE DOESN'T LIFT HER HEAD OR OPEN HER EYES WHEN SHE SPEAKS

DAPHNE

Yes I'm still here. No I didn't marry Donny. Yes I am dating you. Yes it was sweet the first time you did but I swear to God Niles, that if you do it once more tonight you'll be sleeping on the bloody couch.

NILES

OK, I'm sorry.

DAPHNE

It's all right, just don't do it again.

HE LEANS OVER KISSES HER AND THEN LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN

CUT TO:

(B)

CUT TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Gil, Eddie, Mrs. Richmond, Connor (VO) Reporter (VO))

NILES IS LYING ON THE COUCH IN HIS DRESSING GOWN WITH A BLANKET OVER HIM AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM ALSO IN HIS DRESSING GOWN

FRASIER

Good morning Niles.

NILES

Morning Frasier.

FRASIER

Am I to detect from your sleeping arrangements that you once again pounced on Daphne in the night like a hawk on a very tired, annoyed titmouse?

NILES

Seven times.

FRASIER

Seven? That's a new record. I suspected as much last night. I heard you shouting but I was too busy searching in vain for my ear plugs and treasuring my sense of sight too much to see if anything was seriously wrong. Can I get you a coffee?

NILES

Please.

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Oh hey Niles. Did it again huh?

NILES NODS AND COLLAPSES IN A HEAP ON THE COUCH

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR HIS DRESSING GOWN COMES UNDONE AND OPENS UP REVEALING MORE THAN HE WOULD LIKE. ENTER ROZ

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz, what are you doing here?

ROZ

I'm going out with Daphne this morning.

FRASIER

Where?

ROZ

Oh just to the mall. And Frasier you've already said hello so can you get little Frasier to stop waving at me before he has my eye out?

FRASIER REALISES AND FASTENS HIS DRESSING GOWN UP AGAIN

FRASIER

Oh my God.

ROZ

There is a lady present after all.

NILES

Where?

ROZ

Sitting on the couch in a far too feminine dressing gown for a man. And I use the term man in the loosest possible way.

NILES

I'll let that one go, but only because I'm too tired to have some sort of bare knuckle street fight with you, especially as that would give you the home advantage. Well look at that I'm not as tired as I first thought.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Morning everyone. Oh hi Roz, just let me grab something to eat and then we'll be off.

ROZ

OK great.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY NILES

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE PUTS SOME BREAD IN THE TOASTER AS NILES APPROACHES BEHIND HER

NILES

Daphne I want to apologise once again for last night.

DAPHNE

Oh come here, I'm not mad at you.

SHE HUGS HIM

NILES

You can understand how I got that impression when you started to beat me about the head with a pillow and threw me out of your room amidst a shower of four letter words and coat hangers.

DAPHNE

I was tired and grouchy and it was three in the morning.

ENTER ROZ UNNOTICED BY DAPHNE AND NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

And it's not that I mind, at first I actually quite liked it, but last night went to far. No sooner had I calmed down and my heart had stopped fibrillating, you did it again.

NILES

I know and I'm sorry.

DAPHNE

Once was expected, twice was sweet, three times was understandable, but by the forth I was starting to get a little bit tired.

NILES

Seven times in one night is a bit much.

DAPHNE

A bit much? Niles, honey I'm exhausted.

ROZ

Wow, people in the room.

NILES

OK, I'm going to get dressed.

NILES KISSES HER AND EXITS AS ROZ IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO DAPHNE LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME

ROZ

So, seven times in one night?

DAPHNE

That's right, I'm absolutely bloody knackered. And I know for a fact it would have happened at least another three of four times if I hadn't kicked him out of my room when I did.

ROZ

My God, you wouldn't guess it to look at him. He must have been storing it up for years. Gestating it in a box under his bed.

DAPHNE

I guess everyone has one of those little idiosyncrasies or annoying habits. It's just something that I'll have to get used to.

ROZ

I wouldn't complain Daphne, it won't last forever. And it's not everyday you find an Energizer Bunny on speed in a stuffed shirt like Niles.

DAPHNE

I hope not, I don't think the neighbours are going to appreciate all the screaming for much longer.

ROZ

Really?

DAPHNE

And no matter how much I try, I can't help but scream the place down. I'm the first to admit I didn't think it would be like this. But last night he drove me barmy. You could guarantee that the moment I was about to drift back off to sleep, he'd shoot upright and grab me.

ROZ

Now I think we're sharing too much.

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, ONCE AGAIN WITH HIS DRESSING GOWN WIDE OPEN, BUT UNKNOWN TO HIM. ENTER GIL

FRASIER

Gil? This is an unexpected surprise. What are you doing here?

GIL

Frasier thank God you're home, I'm having a bit of a crisis here.

GIL NOTICES THAT FRASIER'S DRESSING GOWN IS OPEN AND HE IS BARING ALL AS EDDIE ENTERS FROM MARTIN'S ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH

GIL (CONT'D)

Frasier it's increasing hard to speak to you when your little friend is staring at me.

FRASIER A LITTLE PUZZLED TURNS AND SEES EDDIE STARING AT THEM

FRASIER

Oh that's just Eddie.

GIL

Eddie? A man with your vast intellect and you've named it Eddie? At least you stopped short of Mr. Happy in more ways than one.

FRASIER

Well my father did. It's technically my father's, I just take him out whenever I have to, you know for the exercise. Just ignore him he'll go away. He's a bit of an attention seeker.

MRS. RICHMOND WALKS PAST AND AFTER HAVING SEEN THAT FRASIER'S ROBE IS UNDONE AND HE IS SHOWING ALL TO THE WORLD, SHE SHRIEKS AND RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond, I won't let him near you. I really don't know what your problem is he won't bite. He's actually very soft to the touch.

MARTIN

I can't let this go on any longer. Frasier do up your robe before you catch a cold.

FRASIER

Oh my God. (SHOUTS) Sorry Mrs. Richmond.

FRASIER DOES UP HIS DRESSING GOWN ONCE AGAIN AND SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And what exactly is your crisis?

GIL

Apart from now having to spend the next few years in therapy repressing certain images, this.

GIL WALKS OVER TO THE TELEVISION AND SWITCHES IT ON

CONNOR

(VOICE OVER) I'm not coming down.

REPORTER

(VOICE OVER) A desperate cry from a desperate man.

GIL MUTES THE TELEVISION AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

What's going on?

GIL

That's Connor O'Beirne, the former chef at Chez Henry.

FRASIER

Former chef? I thought they just hired him last week.

GIL

They had until my review of his culinary skills resulted in them having a change of heart and a change of chef. He's been on that ledge for three hours threatening to jump off.

FRASIER

My God what did you say to turn him suicidal?

GIL

Nothing terrible.

DAPHNE

Wait a minute, I remember this. You said something about having being served a real baby.

GIL

I did nothing of the sort. I just simply stated that although the man is Irish there was no need for him to take Jonathan Swifts comments so literally when he suggested that the Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich. How was I to know it would push him over the edge?

FRASIER

If only there had been some sign.

GIL

What was Henry thinking hiring an Irish chef in the first place? It would be like hiring a French man to promote good personal hygiene and manners.

FRASIER

What exactly do you want me to do about it?

GIL

I want you to help talk him down. Oh please Frasier I have enough to contend with at the moment with Deb being so depressed about losing the World's Strongest Woman title.

MARTIN

Hey, I saw that. Did you see that woman who picked up a boat with one hand but then dropped it on one of the judges?

GIL

That was Deb. Needless to say that incident didn't go in her favour. The moment the doctors mentioned the possibility of fitting him with a metal plate the contest was pretty much over. To make matters worse she couldn't even flirt her way into the top three after that surgery to remove that mole off her face went badly. She's been so upset recently she's taken to collecting porcelain crying clowns. I can't cope with that and a mad, suicidal, bloated, Irish chef as well.

FRASIER

Oh very well, I'll get dressed, why don't you help yourself to a quick cup of coffee.

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM AS GIL EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

That was Gil's wife on the World's Strongest Women?

ROZ

What did she look like, after all these years I've never actually seen her?

MARTIN

Let's just put it like this. I know why you've never seen her.

DAPHNE

Why's that?

MARTIN

Because she's been too busy stopping at home braiding her back hair.

AS GIL ENTERS WITH HIS CUP OF COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' MERCEDES – DAY – DAY/2

NILES DRIVES WITH FRASIER IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AND WITH GIL IN THE BACK SEAT.

NILES

I still don't know why I had to come.

FRASIER

Because my car is in the shop.

GIL

And Deb was using mine this morning for her exercises.

FRASIER

How can a car help her exercise? Isn't that defeating the object?

GIL

She dismantles it and reassembles it in the basement in a race against the clock.

NILES

How is that exercise?

GIL

Well you try carrying a car door up and down two flights of stairs without breaking out into a sweat.

FRASIER

Ok this is it slow down.

NILES STOPS THE CAR AND PARKS

NILES

How can you tell?

FRASIER

The Police cars, the crowd of on lookers and the reporters should tip you off. Not to mention the man screaming and shouting from off a window ledge.

NILES

I only asked a simple question.

FRASIER

And you got a simple answer. OK let's go.

GIL

If you don't mind I'll just stay here.

FRASIER

Why?

GIL

I'm the one who put him in this state. It's probably not a good idea for him to see me right now, it might push him over the edge.

FRASIER

That's a good point, he might jump and take you with him.

NILES

Which reminds me.

NILES BACKS THE CAR UP A FEW FEET

FRASIER

What are you doing?

NILES

Just moving my car.

FRASIER

Why?

NILES

Do you have any idea how much it would cost to have the imprint of an overweight suicidal chef pounded out of my hood?

FRASIER

Your confidence in our ability to talk him down just astounds me.

NILES

Oh I don't doubt we'll talk him down. But there's nothing wrong with taking precautions, we all know how your Mctherapy sessions can suddenly back fire.

FRASIER

Just get going.

AS NILES AND FRASIER GET OUT OF THE CAR WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'THE BIRDS'

FADE IN:

INT. CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/2
(Frasier, Carl, Niles, Connor)

SEVERAL POLICE MEN, INCLUDING CARL, STAND BY THE OPEN WINDOW TO THE RIGHT OF CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM TRYING TO TALK CONNOR INSIDE, WHO CAN BE SEEN STANDING OUTSIDE ON THE LEDGE. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

FRASIER

Morning fellas.

CARL

Hey look it's Dr. Crane from the radio. You gave up your Saturday morning to come down here and help us out?

FRASIER

I see helping the mentally disturbed as a calling rather than an obligation. There is a person here who needs me. Who am I to deny him my gift?

NILES

Yes watch later as he turns water into wine while walking across Puget Sound.

CARL

Can I get your autograph?

FRASIER

But of course.

CARL

Hey Pete come here it's Dr. Crane from the radio.

AS ALL THE OTHER POLICEMEN ABANDON CONNOR ON THE WINDOW LEDGE AND MOVE TOWARDS FRASIER TO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH, NILES MOVES TOWARDS THE OPEN WINDOW

NILES

It's nice to see you've got your priorities in order. I can see you're busy here, so I'll go and stop the man from killing himself.

RESET TO:

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – CONTINUOUS

CONNOR, A RATHER LARGE MAN, STANDS ON THE LEDGE BUT CLINGING TO THE WALL RATHER THAN REALLY THREATENING TO JUMP. NILES PUTS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW TO SPEAK TO HIM

NILES (CONT'D)

Hello Mr. O'Beirne?

CONNOR MOVES FURTHER ALONG THE WALL BEFORE SPEAKING IN A VERY THICK IRISH ACCENT.

CONNOR

Stay away from me. I'll jump if you come any closer. I mean it I'm not afraid.

NILES

Well what ever you decide but would you mind avoiding that black Mercedes parked to the right?

CONNOR

Is that your car?

NILES

Yes it is.

CONNOR

That's nice. Is it all leather interior?

NILES

Yes.

CONNOR

Air conditioning?

NILES

Of course.

CONNOR

What kind of mileage do you get from that?

NILES

I think that's besides the point. I think we should focus on the fact that you are trying to kill yourself. Why don't you come back inside?

CONNOR

Wait a minute, are you a shrink?

NILES

I'm a psychiatrist yes.

CONNOR

I don't want to talk to a shrink, back away from me. I'll jump and I'm not afraid to take you with me.

NILES

May I ask why?

CONNOR

I know all about you people, you'll turn me gay. I don't want to be gay, I like the way I swing. You'll turn me into a Queen with a bad attitude.

NILES

Honestly Mr. O'Beirne there is no chance of that.

CONNOR

How do I know you're telling the truth?

NILES

Because it states in the Hippocratic oath that we're not allowed to put the moves on our patients until at least the third session.

CONNOR MOVES FURTHER UP THE WALL

CONNOR

I knew it, get away from me, I know your tactic. Nail them while they're vulnerable, well you're not getting me.

NILES TAKES OUT HIS WALLET AND SHOWS CONNOR A PICTURE

NILES

Mr. O'Beirne that was a joke. Look, here's a picture of my girlfriend. I have no intention of altering your sexuality I just want you to come inside.

CONNOR

Oh OK. Is it true you shrinks do a lot of drugs?

NILES

Excuse me?

CONNOR

That Freud fella, he did enough of that devil's dandruff to kill a small horse. Don't you try to emulate him?

NILES

Personally I don't, I can't speak for the entire profession when it comes to 'devil's dandruff' but seriously Mr...

CONNOR

I can't talk to you like this.

NILES

So you're coming in?

CONNOR

No I want you to come out here.

NILES

But it's fourteen floors and there are pigeons.

CONNOR

They're not going to bite your ankles. Peck maybe.

NILES

Even so I think I'll just stay here.

CONNOR PUTS HIS FOOT OVER THE EDGE TO FORCE NILES TO GO OUT THERE

NILES (CONT'D)

OK what's the worse that could happen?

NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND STANDS ON THE WINDOW LEDGE

CONNOR

You could slip on some pigeon poop and end up embedded on the hood of your car.

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND THEN COVERS HIS MOUTH AS IF ABOUT TO BE SICK

NILES

OK, suddenly feeling dizzy.

NILES SUDDENLY GOES EXTREMELY PALE AND BEGINS TO CLING TO THE WALL

CONNOR

Doc, are you all right?

NILES

I'm just discovering my fear for heights.

CONNOR

It's a bit of an unfortunate time. I bet you're also remembering you have a colon.

A PIGEON MOVES ALONG THE LEDGE TOWARDS NILES

NILES

Get away from me. Shoo. Back off.

CONNOR

Just kick it away.

NILES

I would but I appear to be frozen to the spot.

THE PIGEON THEN FLIES UP AND LANDS ON NILES' HEAD AND JUST STANDS THERE. HE ATTEMPTS TO GET IT OFF BY WAVING AT IT, BUT HIS GESTURES ARE SO TINY DUE TO HIS FEAR OF MOVING IN CASE HE FALLS, THAT THE PIGEON DOESN'T MOVE. NILES SLOWLY SLIDES DOWN THE WALL UNTIL HE IS ALMOST LYING ON THE LEDGE STILL CLINGING TO IT FOR DEAR LIFE

CONNOR

And you're supposed to be helping me? Don't you earn more money if I live? Or is it that you get some sort of commission from the local funeral homes?

NILES

I just need to sit down.

CONNOR TRIES TO HELP HIM SIT UP BUT NILES JUST PUSHES HIM AWAY

NILES (CONT'D)

Don't touch me you'll knock me over the edge.

NILES CURLS UP INTO A BALL AND STARTS TO BREATHE VERY RAPIDLY AS THE PIGEON REMAINS ON HIS HEAD

CONNOR

Doc, you seem to be hyperventilating there. Hey can we get some help out here?

FRASIER STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES NILES

FRASIER

Oh my God Niles.

AS FRASIER ATTEMPTS TO GET NILES TO CRAWL OVER TO HIM WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY – DAY/2
(Roz, Daphne, Reporter, Niles)

ROZ AND DAPHNE WALK PAST A DEPARTMENT STORE WINDOW WHERE A SERIES OF TELEVISIONS BROADCAST THE SCENE FROM THE WINDOW LEDGE

ROZ

Hey is that Niles on the television.

DAPHNE

Oh my God it is. He must be helping Dr. Crane talk that chef down. I'm so proud of him.

REPORTER

(ON THE TELEVISION) And the name of the second jumper has just been confirmed. His name is Niles Crane, brother to radio psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane.

DAPHNE

What?

ROZ

They've just made a mistake.

NILES

(ON THE TELEVISION) Get away from me!

ROZ

Then again maybe not.

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO GET HER CAR SO THAT SHE CAN DRIVE TO THE SCENE AS ROZ FOLLOWS HER AND WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – DAY – DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Connor, Daphne, Carl)

NILES REMAINS IN THE SAME POSITION AS BEFORE AS FRASIER AND CONNOR DESPERATELY TRY TO GET HIM TO GO BACK INSIDE. THE PIGEON REMAINS ON TOP OF HIS HEAD

FRASIER

Niles, just crawl over here and come back in the window.

NILES

I can't, if I move I'll fall.

FRASIER

Don't be ridiculous. We're supposed to be helping this man not trying to steal his headline.

CONNOR

Here take my hand.

NILES BATS HIS HAND AWAY

NILES

Get away from me. And will you get your feathers out of my eyes! Don't you dare loose control of your bowel.

FRASIER

Niles stop hyperventilating you'll pass out and I don't particularly want to identify a pile of goo at the morgue.

NILES

It always has to be about you doesn't it?

CONNOR

Get him a paper bag.

FRASIER

Can we get a paper bag out here?

CARL APPROACHES THE WINDOW AND GIVES FRASIER A PAPER BAG

CARL

Here you go Dr. Crane.

CONNOR

Dr. Crane from the radio?

FRASIER

That's right.

CONNOR

Wow, can I get your autograph?

FRASIER TAKES OUT A PEN AND GOES TO SIGN THE PAPER BAG

FRASIER

Of course you can. Who should I make it out to? Connor? Mr O'Beirne?

NILES

Can I have that bag sometime today or do you want me to pass out and fall over the edge first?

FRASIER GIVES NILES THE PAPER BAG AND HE BEGINS TO BREATHE INTO IT. AFTER A FEW BREATHS HE BEGINS TO COUGH AND ALMOST LOOSES HIS BALANCE

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God that's disgusting.

FRASIER

It's just a little pigeon excrement. You can flick it out and then have a nice bath when you get in.

NILES

I didn't mean that. There's a mouldy half eaten doughnut in this bag. I mean what! What's he done on my head?

NILES TAKES THE DOUGHNUT OUT OF THE BAG AND PLACES IT BESIDE HIM AS HE BREATHES INTO THE BAG

CONNOR

Nothing that a bit of spit and a hanky won't clean. And then if that doesn't work maybe a hair cut or a new hat. I hear Bowlers are all the rage again.

NILES

Oh my God. Get this thing off me.

FRASIER

Connor I think there should be a limit to how much you help.

NILES BEGINS TO BANG HIS HEAD ON THE WALL IN AN ATTEMPT TO SCARE THE PIGEON AWAY. INSTEAD IT JUST FLY'S DOWN, PICKS UP THE PIECE OF DOUGHNUT AND THEN FLY'S BACK ON TOP OF HIS HEAD AGAIN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now Niles you have to come back inside.

CONNOR

Look let me show you how easy it is.

CONNOR WALKS ALONG THE EDGE AND CLIMBS BACK IN THE WINDOW

CONNOR (CONT'D)

See there's nothing to it. Nothing bad happen to me.

THE GROUP OF POLICEMEN THEN ALL JUMP ON CONNOR TO PREVENT HIM FROM TRYING TO DO IT AGAIN.

FRASIER

Well done Niles, this has worked like a charm. I only wished you'd have told me about your idea for reversed role play before hand.

SEVERAL MORE PIGEONS MOVE OVER TO NILES AND TRY TO LAND ON HIS HEAD AND SHOULDERS ALL AFTER THE DOUGHNUT

NILES

Someone help I'm having a Hitchcock flashback.

RESET TO:

INT. CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Oh Niles will you just get back in here you drama Queen!

CONNOR

Queen? I knew you were gay.

CARL

How many more times? I'm married, but the dry cleaner shrank my trousers, that's why they are so tight.

FRASIER

He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about him.

CARL

Oh you mean you two are gay? Is that why he's trying to kill himself? Have you had a row?

FRASIER

No, no, no, he's my brother.

CARL

An incestuous, homosexual celebrity suicide attempt? Man, I'm going to be on Jerry Springer.

FRASIER

Oh will you stop it!

CONNOR

Don't get all upset with us because you're in the garden shed.

FRASIER

In the shed? You mean in the closet.

CARL

As long as you except yourselves for who you are, why should you care what the rest of the world thinks?

FRASIER

We've both been married twice.

CONNOR

To each other? Isn't that illegal?

FRASIER

Why am I even continuing this conversation? Niles will you get in here.

RESET TO:

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – CONTINUOUS

NILES IS NOW ALMOST COMPLETELY COVERED WITH PIGEONS, ALL TRYING TO GET THE PIECE OF DOUGHNUT

DAPHNE ARRIVES IN THE CROWD BELOW

DAPHNE

Niles!

NILES

Daphne?

DAPHNE

Niles honey don't jump. I love you. I'm sorry I yelled. I was inconsiderate, you can do it twelve times a night if you want, if it'll make you happy.

NILES

I love you!

CARL

Twelve times? What is this guy some sort of suicidal sexual athlete?

CONNOR

Sorry Doc, it looks like he's cheating on you with a woman.

FRASIER

Actually she's my father's physical therapist.

CARL

I'll make a fortune from this story.

FRASIER

Niles will you crawl over here?

NILES

I can't Frasier, if I move I'll fall.

CARL TAKES OUT HIS GUN AND FIRES OUT THE WINDOW TO SCARE THE PIGEONS OFF AS THE CROWD SCREAMS FROM BELOW

SFX: GUNSHOT

CARL THEN REACHES OUT OF THE WINDOW AND GRABS HIS ANKLES AND DRAGS HIM SLOWLY ALONG THE WINDOW LEDGE

NILES (CONT'D)

Help! Armani suit being dragged along pigeon business and my dry cleaner is out of town!

CARL

I'd recommend mine but as I said he's shrank these trousers so much they really bind in the crotch.

AS NILES IS PULLED BACK INTO THE WINDOW WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Martin, Connor, Niles, Daphne, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR STARING AT THE KITCHEN WHERE CONNOR CAN BE SEEN PREPARING DINNER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

Dad are you feeling all right?

MARTIN

I'm fine.

FRASIER

Then what's with the face?

MARTIN

Has it escaped your notice that we happen to have an unstable suicidal madman in the kitchen who at this very moment is inches away from a block of wood full of very large, very sharp knifes and not to mention Eddie?

FRASIER

Connor's fine. He's of danger to himself.

MARTIN

It's us I'm concerned about.

FRASIER

Oh nonsense, we've been making some real breakthroughs.

CONNOR SUDDENLY STARTS SCREAMING AND SHOUTING FROM THE KITCHEN AND CAN BE SEEN BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE ISLAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Connor are you OK?

CONNOR

My soufflé hasn't risen.

CONNOR FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS

CONNOR (CONT'D)

Why lord why?

MARTIN

Oh yeah he's fine. Best take out the toaster before he sticks his fork into it.

FRASIER

Oh he would never do that.

MARTIN

Moved it into your room?

FRASIER

This morning along with the blades from the garbage disposal and Daphne's left over steak and kidney pie.

MARTIN

Even he's not crazy enough to eat that.

FRASIER

I know but while it was just sitting there, there was always the chance that he might club himself to death with it.

MARTIN

I still don't know why you had to get him to move in here.

FRASIER

Because Gil asked me to help this man and help him I shall.

MARTIN

And what is he doing for you in exchange?

FRASIER

Really Dad I'm shocked. You think that I would only help out another human being in distress if I served to gain from it?

MARTIN

I know you.

FRASIER

I am appalled. Oh all right, he can get me into the private room at La Cigare Volant.

MARTIN

If you ask me this guy should be in a private room with padding all around him.

FRASIER

Be quiet he'll hear you. Now he's cooking dinner for us, and I want you to make all the yummy noises that you can with your mouth full.

MARTIN

Oh joy now not only do I have to lie to Daphne about her cooking I have to do it to this guy as well?

FRASIER

Is it so hard for you to say 'oh well done, that's great'?

MARTIN

I managed it at your first and only little league game didn't I?

FRASIER

But it would have helped if you weren't sobbing uncontrollably at the time.

MARTIN

Well have you ever had all of your dreams disappear with one swing of a bat?

FRASIER

No, in my case it was one bullet in a hip.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Good evening Niles.

NILES

Hey Frasier. Hi Dad. Frasier smell.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD UNDER FRASIER'S NOSE

FRASIER

For the last time Niles no I can't smell pigeon on your head. Like I couldn't smell it this morning, or yesterday or the day before.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Niles! I thought I heard the doorbell go. How are you feeling today?

NILES

Daphne I'm fine.

SHE TAKES HIS HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE COUCH. AS SHE TALKS TO HIM SHE SLOWLY STROKES HIS HEAD AS IF TALKING TO AN UNSTABLE CHILD

DAPHNE

Of course you are and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise. You're a special, wonderful man and I love you no matter what.

NILES

How many more times? Daphne I wasn't trying to kill myself.

DAPHNE

I know, I know. It just got me so worried about you. But if you were to do it, remember that I'll still love you.

NILES

Oh Daphne, now seriously I wasn't trying to kill myself because you yelled at me and can you smell pigeon?

DAPHNE SMELLS THE TOP OF HIS HEAD

DAPHNE

I just smell a strong, confident, colossus of a man.

NILES JUST SIGHS AND RESIGNS HIMSELF TO THE FACT THAT HE IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO COMPLETELY CONVINCE DAPHNE IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

That must be Roz. Our special guest is not arriving until later.

MARTIN

What special guest?

FRASIER

I've invited Gil.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

MARTIN

What did you do that for?

NILES

Are you insane?

ROZ

Fine of you don't want me here, I'll just leave.

FRASIER

That wasn't aimed at you.

ROZ

Then what's the problem?

FRASIER

I've invited Gil.

ROZ

What are you nuts?

FRASIER

What's the big deal?

NILES

He turned the man suicidal. It's probably not the best idea for him to see him.

FRASIER

Nonsense. Connor has made some real progress.

MARTIN

Resigning yourself to the fact that you're not going to be able to plunge yourself over the side of the balcony because it's been locked is not progress.

FRASIER

It'll be fine. You underestimate my skills as a therapist.

DAPHNE

Fine, but I'm not going to be mopping Gil up off the carpet when the inevitable happens.

MARTIN

That would never happen Daphne.

FRASIER

Thankyou, so you do have confidence in me after all.

MARTIN

We have a special until down at the station that cleans up all the blood after the crime scene has been closed. You wouldn't have to clean it.

ROZ

When's he going arrive?

FRASIER

Not until after dinner when we've got his confidence up.

NILES

You're putting way too much stock into these yummy noises.

FRASIER

Everything will be fine. Trust me.

DAPHNE

I'll see if he needs any help.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

Hey Frasier do me a favour, look at my butt.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

ROZ

Go on take a look.

FRASIER

I'll pass if you don't mind.

MARTIN

I'll take a look.

FRASIER

Dad!

MARTIN

Well she asked me to. What is it I'm looking for?

ROZ STANDS IN FRONT OF MARTIN AS HE PUTS ON HIS GLASSES

ROZ

Can you see my underwear?

MARTIN

Well maybe if you stand nearer to the light and bend over slightly.

FRASIER

Dad!

NILES

Roz don't you think this is taking the vanity a little too far?

ROZ

This has nothing to do with vanity. Niles can you see my underwear?

ROZ STANDS IN FRONT OF NILES AND BENDS OVER SLIGHTLY

NILES

Not at the moment I'm suddenly blinded by this eclipse.

ROZ TURNS AND SLAPS HIM BEFORE TAKING UP HER POSITION IN FRONT OF HIM AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D)

What's the big deal about seeing your underwear? Or is this a new crass party game you've invented? Because in which case we're all out of whipped cream and Frasier doesn't own a water bed.

ROZ

I bought a thong the other day at the mall.

FRASIER

Already I'm enchanted by this story.

ROZ

I put it on today and it felt like I had a piece of cheese wire strapped between my cheeks.

NILES

Classy. In a dim light you could almost pass for royalty.

ROZ

That's funny, in a dim light you could almost pass as a man.

NILES

Ditto.

FRASIER

Children, can we get back to the thong?

ROZ

Well it was painful, so I glued some cotton wool to it so that it wouldn't hurt so much.

MARTIN

Oh my God.

ROZ

It's not such a crazy idea. I no longer feel as if I'm going to be cut in half. It's comfortable. I just want to know if you can see it.

NILES AND FRASIER GET VERY CLOSE AND INSPECT ROZ'S BEHIND AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STUMBLES UPON THE SCENE

DAPHNE

What are you doing?

NILES

Trying to see Roz's underwear. She's wearing a thong.

DAPHNE

OK, have fun. When you're done can you set the table?

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

I'll do it now Daphne. No I can't see it.

ROZ

Not such a dumb idea after all.

NILES

You should try to sell the idea. I'm sure it would be a best seller, right up there with woolly milk and solar panels on torches.

FRASIER

We could do with a bit of atmosphere in here. Niles would you mind getting me the candle from off the balcony?

NILES EXITS OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND PICKS UP THE CANDLE OFF THE TABLE. SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE. HE THEN WALKS TO THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY AND LOOKS OVER

NILES

What are you doing by my car? Get away from it.

MARTIN

A group of kids?

NILES

No a dog looking for a place to relieve himself. Get away.

NILES LEANS OVER THE RAILING AND STARTS TO WAVE DOWN TO THE DOORMAN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SEES HIM. THINKING THAT HE IS ONCE AGAIN TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF SHE SCREAMS

DAPHNE

Niles!

NILES SHOCKED BY THE SUDDEN SCREAM, JUMPS AND TOSSES THE CANDLE INTO THE AIR. FOR A BRIEF MOMENT HE JUGGLES WITH THE CANDLE WHILE TRYING TO CATCH IT. EVENTUALLY HE IS UNSUCCESSFUL AND KNOCKS IT OVER THE BALCONY AND THEN STARES AFTER IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Niles don't jump. Why weren't you watching him?

NILES

Daphne I was getting a candle not trying to kill myself. If I were to kill myself I'd chose something quicker than waxing myself to death.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry, I over reacted.

NILES

Well I no longer have to worry about the dog.

ROZ

Why?

NILES

Because he's currently more concerned about the candle embedded in his forehead.

AS NILES COMES BACK INSIDE WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

TITLE CARD: 'HE SAID YUMMY NOISES NOT YACKING NOISES'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/3
(Frasier, Connor, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Eddie, Gill)

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT AT THE DINNING TABLE EATING THE MEAL THAT CONNOR HAS PREPARED. EDDIE LIES AT NILES' FEET AS CONNOR HOVERS AROUND THEM LISTENING TO THEIR REACTIONS

FRASIER

That's really delicious.

CONNOR

You're not just saying that?

NILES

No it's cooked to perfection.

CONNOR EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER, NILES, ROZ, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL TRY TO HIDE THEIR FOOD AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO GET EDDIE TO EAT IT BUT HE WON'T TOUCH IT. OTHER BITS OF FOOD DISAPPEAR BEHIND PICTURES AND INTO PLANT POTS AND VASES

MARTIN

Even the soup is crunchy.

FRASIER

Shhhhh.

NILES

Would anyone else care to join me for an after dinner stomach pump?

ROZ

I never thought I'd say this but you're on.

CONNOR ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS THEY ALL START TO PRETEND TO EAT AND ENJOY THEIR DINNER

CONNOR

I must thank you Dr. Crane for the way you've helped me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your generosity. I've realised that killing myself is not the solution.

FRASIER

I'm glad to hear that.

CONNOR

Especially by jumping off a building. What a ridiculous idea. I mean I'm a chef for Lord's sake aren't I? There are thousands of ways to poison myself in a kitchen if you know what you're doing.

NILES

Really?

CONNOR

Oh yes. I mean just in your kitchen here, there are at least thirty different things that I could use to poison your food.

EVERYONE SUDDENLY BECOMES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WHILE CHEWING THEIR FOOD, EXCEPT CONNOR WHO DOESN'T EAT A THING. FRASIER SLOWLY TRIES TO TAKE A PIECE OF MEAT OUT OF HIS MOUTH AS MARTIN PUSHES HIS PLATE AWAY. NILES SLOWLY AND QUIETLY BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH A MOUTH FULL OF WINE

DAPHNE

I didn't know that.

CONNOR

Most of them you wouldn't even know were in your food until you were dead, then you'd know. What am I saying, you wouldn't know then either because you'd be dead.

CONNOR EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS NILES SPITS OUT HIS MOUTHFUL OF WINE IN A VASE AND MARTIN STARTS TO CLEAN HIS TONGUE WITH HIS NAPKIN

DAPHNE

Suddenly that stomach pump idea doesn't seem such a drastic action.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND HIDES MOST OF HIS DINNER IN THE UMBRELLA STAND NEXT TO HIM

FRASIER

That'll be Gill. Is everyone ready?

MARTIN

No, but you'll answer the door anyway.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND GIL ENTERS AS CONNOR ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. CONNOR TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SHOUTS

CUT TO:

(I)

CUT TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/3
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Gill, Connor)

GILL IS TIED TO ONE OF THE DINNING CHAIRS WITH CONNOR'S APRON. CONNOR STANDS THROWING ANYTHING THAT HE CAN LAY HIS HANDS ON FROM THE KITCHEN AT FRASIER, WHO HIDES BEHIND THE COUCH WITH NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN

FRASIER

Why are you so angry with me for? He's the one who trashed you with his review. I've been trying to help you.

CONNOR THROWS A FORK THAT STICKS INTO THE SIDE OF THE COUCH. FRASIER LIFTS HIS HEAD TO SEE WHAT THE DAMAGE IS.

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now just you be careful, this is a replica of the one…

CONNOR THROWS A DINNER KNIFE OFF THE TABLE AT FRASIER WHICH CAUSES HIM ONCE AGAIN TO HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH WITH EVERYONE ELSE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I'll be quiet now.

ROZ

Remind me to come around here for dinner more often, because I don't end up in nearly enough hostage situations.

FRASIER

Right we need a plan.

NILES

We'll sneak up around the sides of him and grab him.

MARTIN

You've really thought long and hard about this haven't you?

NILES

All right then former Policeman who had to retire because he got shot, what do you suggest?

MARTIN

Always use birth control to avoid smart ass kids. We wear him down. We keep him talking and eventually he'll crack.

ROZ

We can't do that.

DAPHNE

Why not?

ROZ

Because I really need to use the bathroom.

NILES

It's all me, me, me with you isn't it Roz?

GIL TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT CAN ONLY MUMBLE DUE TO THE GAG

FRASIER

What did he just say?

GIL TRIES TO REPEAT IT, BUT IT IS STILL NOT UNDERSTANDABLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What are you trying to say Gill?

CONNOR PULLS THE GAG OUT OF GILLS MOUTH SO THAT HE CAN SPEAK

GIL

He can hear you, you know.

NILES

How do you know?

GIL

Because I can hear you and he's standing two feet away from me.

ROZ

Hey Connor, if I were to go to the bathroom, would you try to impale me with a ladle?

CONNOR

Of course not Roz, you've done nothing to offend me. And besides I don't think that I could throw a ladle that hard that it would actually impale someone. A spoon maybe.

ROZ

Great.

ROZ GETS UP AND RUSHES INTO THE BATHROOM AND EXITS

FRASIER

Right let's do this.

MARTIN

Connor, you know what I can't work out.

CONNOR

What's that Mr. Crane?

FRASIER

Niles you go right and I'll go left.

MARTIN

Why you care what these pretentious snobs think about you anyway. In the great scheme of things they don't matter.

NILES

Why do I have to go right?

MARTIN

You'll reach a point in your life when you'll realise that none of this stuff matters. That these people don't matter, they're completely insignificant.

FRASIER

Because I'm going left.

NILES

Well let me go left.

MARTIN

They matter to me because two of them happen to be my sons. Some people seem to take pride in riding others down. And the best way to combat that is to show them that they don't matter.

FRASIER

Why can't you go right?

NILES

Because there is absolutely no cover.

FRASIER

What do you mean?

NILES

You have the book case to hide behind. The only thing that is preventing me from coming out of this situation with a fork stuck in my forehead is the false hope that Connor is a bad aim.

DAPHNE

In case you don't get out of this alive. I love you.

DAPHNE GRABS NILES AND KISSES HIM

MARTIN

The only thing that matter is how you feel about yourself. So what if this one set of doors down your corridor are closed. There's an another corridor of open doors just waiting for you.

CONNOR BEGINS TO REALISE THAT WHAT MARTIN IS SAYING ACTUALLY MAKES A LOT OF SENSE AND STOPS THROWING THINGS AROUND THE ROOM

FRASIER

Niles are you ready? Niles! Niles!

FRASIER SEES THAT NILES IS STILL LIP TO LIP WITH DAPHNE AND BEGINS TO TAP NILES' HEAD TO GET HIS ATTENTION

MARTIN

You can still have a life after a door closes in your face. I should know. A bullet closed my door.

FRASIER GIVES UP AS NILES IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO HELP HIM AND FOCUSES ON WHAT TO DO NEXT

FRASIER

Fine I'll just do this on my own. And just for the record when this is over Niles I'm taking you to get fixed.

EDDIE BARKS AND GROWLS AT FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Not you, Niles. I don't think they have the time to sow yours back on and then remove them again.

MARTIN

It didn't end my life. Just altered my corridor and I'm a better person for it. It's the knocks we take in life that make us who we are. How we handle them shapes our future.

FRASIER

Left or right?

MARTIN

Your corridor has changed, can you change with it?

CONNOR AT THIS UNTIES GIL AND WALKS AROUND TO THE BACK OF THE COUCH. AT FIRST HE GOES UNNOTICED BY MARTIN AND FRASIER, WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY SEE HIM THEY BOTH JUMP WITH SURPRISE.

CONNOR

Someone help me.

CONNOR BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS AND HELPS MARTIN UP OFF THE FLOOR. MARTIN THEN GESTURES FOR HIM TO SIT ON THE COUCH AND KEEPS A VERY WATCHFUL EYE ON HIM AS FRASIER STARES AFTER MARTIN IN AMAZEMENT AS MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 911

MARTIN

Hello, who's this? Oh hi Marge, Marty Crane. Can I speak to Carl please? Thanks.

FRASIER

Dad, where did you learn to talk like that?

MARTIN

Well over the last couple of years...

FRASIER

You've picked it up off me? Dad I'm so flattered.

MARTIN

No I've been storing it up. I did this hundreds of times on the force.

FRASIER

What?

MARTIN

Just because I've retired doesn't mean my brain retired with it.

ROZ EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND EXTREMELY FLUSTERED

ROZ

Oh my God. Is it over?

MARTIN

Yes, it's all over.

ROZ

Good because I'm having a small crisis.

MARTIN

What's the matter?

ROZ

You know I glued the cotton wool to the thong?

FRASIER

Yes.

ROZ

Well I also glued the thong to my ass.

FRASIER

Oh my God.

GIL

Well quick use some nail varnish remover. Maybe we can get it off.

ROZ

We? Wait a minute there is no way you are getting near my thong.

GIL

Believe me no one is more relieved than I.

FRASIER

Daphne will have some you can use. Daphne. Daphne. Daphne! For God's sake you two.

EVERYONE NOTICES THAT NILES AND DAPHNE ARE STILL KISSING BEHIND THE COUCH AND ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. THEY BREAK AND LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED AT THE FACES STARING BACK AT THEM

NILES

What?

FRASIER

You should write a book, how to defuse a violent situation with sex.

ROZ

Hey that's always worked for me.

CONNOR

I'll never work again.

DAPHNE

That's not true. Before you know it you'll have nothing else to do but work in a kitchen cooking for hundreds of hungry souls. You'll be so popular they'll want to lock you up in there.

CONNOR

How do you know?

DAPHNE

I'm psychic.

ROZ

You know this is all very nice, but can I just remind everyone. Glue, thong, ass!

ROZ GRABS DAPHNE'S HAND AND DRAGS HER TO HER ROOM AS WE:

FADE OUT

(J)

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY – DAY/4
(Frasier, Connor)

FRASIER AND CONNOR STAND IN A VERY LARGE KITCHEN WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE BUZZING AROUND PREPARING A MEAL FOR WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN EXTREMELY LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE

FRASIER

How are you settling in?

CONNOR

Oh just fine Dr. Crane. Although I don't have free range I get to choose most items on the menu. Things are looking up.

FRASIER

I'm glad to hear that.

CONNOR

Thankyou for all your help Dr. Crane.

THEY SHAKE HANDS

FRASIER

You're most very welcome. Bye.

FRASIER GOES TO LEAVE

CONNOR

Bye Dr. Crane. Oh before you go. It looks as if Miss. Moon was right. Everything she said that would happen has happened.

FRASIER

Oh I think we could all see this coming.

FRASIER EXITS FROM THE KITCHEN AND AS THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM THE SIGN ON THE DOOR READS 'SANATORIUM KITCHEN' AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES IS IN THE KITCHEN AT THE MONTANA MAKING A PIECE OF TOAST. THE HANDLE POPS UP BUT THE TOAST DOESN'T COME OUT BECAUSE IT'S STUCK. HE SWITCHES THE TOASTER OFF AT THE WALL AND THEN GETS A WOODEN SPOON AND TRIES TO FISH THE PIECE OF TOAST OUT. DAPHNE THEN ENTERS AND SEES HIM WITH SOMETHING STUCK IN THE TOASTER. SHE ONCE AGAIN SHOUTS AS SHE THINKS HE IS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND MAKES HIM JUMP. NILES TURNS AND SHOWS HER THAT IT'S A WOODEN SPOON. SHE BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF, APOLOGISES AND EXITS.