I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

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Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Seventeen
Heaven Can Wait

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Eddie)

DAPHNE CLEARS THE BREAKFAST THINGS OFF THE TABLE AS NILES HELPS AND MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP. ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM FUSSING WITH HIS TIE

NILES

Honestly Daphne I have never done that before in my life.

DAPHNE

You've been doing it for years. Sometimes you suck so hard, that I often think if you came with attachments we could throw out the vacuum cleaner.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

What's all this about? Wiping his cutlery with his utensil shammey again?

MARTIN

That was my first thought but now I'm not so sure. Now I'm thinking probably sorting his socks alphabetically by colour. Either way it's not something you want to discuss in public.

FRASIER

It still boggles me how we are related.

MARTIN

Oh please, I've been wondering how the three of us are related for years. Ever since I gave you your first and only baseball bat and you used it to conduct the New York Philharmonic Orchestra on the radio. Until of course you lost control of it and smacked Niles around the head. Five hours we spent in that emergency room trying to convince Niles that he was actually a five year old boy not Plato reincarnated. I swear he's never been the same since. Right there and then I knew you'd never be a war hero.

FRASIER

Yes curse that damn peace treaty.

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE

NILES

Ok give me one example.

DAPHNE

Yesterday in Nervosa.

NILES

Nonsense I merely smelled the air to see what the special blend of the day was. Oh all right fine, every now and then I may have smelled your hair, in years gone by.

DAPHNE

Pull the other one, it's like having a narcotics sniffer dog welded to my head. I keep waiting for you to bark and a strange man to pull a condom full of cocaine from behind my ear before being stripped searched and locked up with a large loafer-wearing woman called Al, who in exchange for me shaving her legs protects me in the shower.

NILES

It's not that bad!

DAPHNE

Sweetie, you do it all the time. I'm worried you're going to suck that much hair up your nose that it'll give you an embolism. I don't particularly want to see that on your death certificate, 'death by choking on girlfriend's hair.' Do you have any idea how that would make me feel? Knowing I was the cause.

NILES

Do you have any idea how I feel to realise you actually think about that stuff?

DAPHNE

It's not as if I've planned the service, although I do know what suit you'll wear. Anyway it's inevitable to think about death when you work with the elderly. They can pop their clogs at any minute, you have to brace yourself, you never know where you'll find them. I've often had fears that I'll find your father dead after his morning constitutional. And that's not a pretty image. Especially first thing in the morning.

MARTIN

Hey!

DAPHNE WALKS PAST NILES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AS HE ONCE AGAIN SMELLS HER HAIR AS SHE GOES PAST

DAPHNE

There you just did it again.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY NILES

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I didn't I just happened to take a rather deep breath while you were walking past.

DAPHNE

Ooh how flattering, be still my beating heart. Why don't you just admit it?

NILES

Because instead of the colossus of a man you've become accustomed to, it will make me sound all needy and pathetic.

DAPHNE

As opposed to what you sound like now?

NILES

And just what does that mean?

DAPHNE

Oh calm down I'm only teasing.

SHE KISSES HIM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I actually quite like it, it's when you stop doing it that I'll begin to worry.

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Right old man exercises.

MARTIN

Oh not now Daph.

DAPHNE

We do this at the same time everyday, it can hardly come as a surprise to you. I've had the exercise mat out for over an hour. Oh don't pull that face I'm not going to bring out the thigh master.

NILES

Thank God, he nearly had my eye out with it the other day when he squeezed too hard.

FRASIER

Yes but luckily he missed and embedded it into my Chihuly.

MARTIN

But I was just about to take Eddie out.

DAPHNE

You can take him after.

MARTIN

But he needs to go now. Can't you see how his eyes have crossed? Not to mention his legs?

DAPHNE

Then ask one of your sons to take him.

MARTIN

Niles?

NILES

Sorry I have to leave for work in a moment.

MARTIN

Frasier?

FRASIER

I'd rather be disembowelled by a chicken.

MARTIN

Oh come on Frasier please. He's just a little dog with a very full bladder. Look at that sweet little face don't you just want to smother him with…

FRASIER

A pillow?

MARTIN

I was going to say kisses.

FRASIER

Of course you where, what else would I expect a retired, mocho Policeman to say in reference to his dog.

NILES

You're feminine side seems to be seeping through into your everyday life Dad. And she's asking 'why are you doing this?' and 'those heels really don't go with that Police uniform, try a Fireman's.'

DAPHNE

It won't be long before you're knitting him a pair of booty's to wear on special occasions.

MARTIN

I would never do that, Eddie doesn't like anything on his feet.

DAPHNE

I was referring to Dr. Crane.

MARTIN

Oh please Frasier.

FRASIER

No!

MARTIN

I'm only thinking about your carpets. But if you want a trail stained across the room in time for your next Opera party it's up to you. It would lead your guests from the front door to the buffet table like some strange urological treasure map.

FRASIER

Oh fine, where is his lead?

EDDIE RUNS UP TO FRASIER AND DROPS THE LEAD AT HIS FEET. FRASIER PUTS IT ON AND HE AND EDDIE EXIT

DAPHNE

Right you on your back.

NILES LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR ON HIS BACK BEFORE MARTIN HAS CHANCE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh not you, you silly sod.

SHE SMACKS HIS ARM AS NILES GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR

NILES

Fine, now I've been rejected and utterly humiliated by the woman I love, who would rather fondle my father's rear end than mine, I'll leave to be with my patient, someone who actually wants me.

DAPHNE

Trust me she's not after your body.

NILES

It's a he.

DAPHNE

On second thoughts he very well might be.

NILES

Not everyone undresses me with their eyes like you do.

DAPHNE

Call by later and I won't use my eyes.

NILES

As long as you promise you won't bite.

DAPHNE

Oh I won't bite...hard.

MARTIN

Hello! Have you two forgotten I'm even here?

NILES

I had.

DAPHNE

Me too.

AS NILES EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'HE'LL BE OK, WHEELY HE WILL'

FADE IN:

INT. VET'S WAITING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Vet, Eddie)

FRASIER SITS IN A BUSY WAITING ROOM AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

My God this whole place smells of wet dog. Frasier I got your message, what on earth are you doing here?

FRASIER

I'm at the vet's, why do you think I'm here? To be wormed and get a free tick bath? Or maybe to have myself sterilised due to my lack of a love life?

NILES

Oh no, they've cancelled your health plan at the station. Just bare in mind, after reading that article last week, you of all people should know the problems resulting from back alley operations.

FRASIER

Yes dim witted brothers. Eddie's had an accident.

NILES

Eddie?

FRASIER

Yes Eddie.

NILES

Eddie? Oh yes Eddie. You mean Dad's dog Eddie.

FRASIER

That's correct, Bob tell him what he's won! I hardly mean the wine clerk Eddie. Normally you wouldn't bring a man to the vet's who had been flattened by a shelf full of Dom Perignon. Normally you'd send him straight to a gynaecologist. What is the matter with you this afternoon? Have you been drinking?

NILES

I'm just a little distracted, I've had a rough day. So what happened?

FRASIER

He was run over.

NILES

You're kidding! How?

FRASIER

Well the wheel just ran over him obviously. A group of monkeys didn't jump out of the bushes and attack him with a rolling pins. The Police seem to be keeping the amount of those incidents down to a minimum.

NILES

I meant how did he get run over?

FRASIER

I may have accidentally tripped over him and kicked him in front of a bus. It happens everyday!

NILES

Are you sure?

FRASIER

Of course I'm sure. I think I can tell the difference between a bus and a juvenile on a skateboard. Windshield wipers and thirty passengers to begin with.

NILES

No I mean are you sure it was an accident?

FRASIER

No I deliberately hurled the one thing that our father loves most in the world in front of a bus and then stood there on the sidewalk doing my best evil laugh and twirling my moustache. What a question to ask.

NILES

I can see how that may have seemed harsh, but after all you and Eddie have never seen…

NILES BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY

FRASIER

What are you laughing at?

NILES

I was just about to say you and Eddie have never seen eye to eye.

FRASIER

I'm glad to know you find this so amusing. What is wrong with you? How many more times? Self-medicating isn't healthy. Before long you'll be on top of the Space Needle trying to build a nest again.

NILES

I'm sorry but you would not believe the afternoon that I've had, I need a little light relief. I've heard the odd unflattering rumour going around our social circle for sometime about Daphne and I but I've chosen to ignore it. I just thought if Mel still needs to blow off steam I'll let her. Until I heard the latest one. The rumour involving us, a tent, a car battery and a pint of Hagen Das is running through polite society like a bush fire. So I decided to call Mel and confront her, but as it turns out it's not Mel, although she could point me in the right direction to find the culprit.

FRASIER

Who is it?

NILES

Maris. Furious I went to confront her, but she's denying everything of course. But I could tell she was lying, her eye started to twitch like a frog leg in a science experiment. And I don't mean that in a good way at all.

FRASIER

If I were you I'd keep this quiet from Daphne.

NILES

Of, course I don't want her to hear what's been said about her. No matter how untrue it is it's still unflattering.

FRASIER

I didn't mean that. I don't think she's going to be particularly pleased that you've seen both your ex-wives in the space of a few hours.

NILES

That's a good point Frasier, and I'm sure our little chitchat today has ended the torrent of abuse being branded around about us so I won't have to see her again.

FRASIER

So how is Maris? Still the spokes person for IHOP? Does she still have her own weather system?

NILES

As you know it's been almost a year since I've seen her and she has lost so much weight in that time. Dad's theory that she'd actually been eaten by that fat woman posing as Maris have been put to rest. She looked stunning. From what I could tell anyway, she was eating Chinese food and kept hiding behind her chopstick another clear indication of her guilt.

ENTER THE VET FROM A SIDE ROOM

VET

Excuse me Dr. Crane? We're all done now and satisfied enough to let Eddie go home. If you'll just give me a moment and I'll bring him out to you.

EXIT VET

FRASIER

Thankyou. Oh God what am I going to tell Dad?

NILES

You mean he doesn't know?

FRASIER

I was hoping he'd never find out. He'll never speak to me again when he finds out what I've let happen.

NILES

Have you been here all day?

FRASIER

Yes, I didn't want to leave him in case anything happened.

NILES

Yes because if anyone knows how to resuscitate a small dog in an emergency, it's a psychiatrist disk jockey. What did you do about your show?

FRASIER

I phoned Roz and she put the best of Crane on.

NILES

What did she do for the other two hours fifty-eight minutes?

FRASIER

This is not the time to try to heal with humour I need help, what am I going to tell Dad?

NILES

Well maybe it's not that bad. He might not notice.

THE VET ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE. EDDIE IS BROUGHT OUT WITH A LARGE CONE ON HIS HEAD AND HIS BACK LEGS ATTACHED TO A SMALL CART WITH WHEELS, TO HELP HIM WALK UNTIL THEY ARE PROPERLY HEALED

NILES (CONT'D)

Then again maybe not. Unless you poke Dad's eyes out first, but I wouldn't recommend it, he has a cane and he knows how to use it.

VET

Here is his pain relief, with the dosage stated on the bottle and we need to see him again on Wednesday. Now don't be alarmed by the cart, it's just to help him get around until his legs have had a reasonable amount of time to heal.

FRASIER

Thankyou.

EXIT VET

NILES

Did they give you a choice of what inanimate object they turned him into or did you just give them free range? Because if you wanted a new serving trolley, I know of an easier way to get one and I can guarantee it wouldn't be infested with fleas.

AS FRASIER STARES IN DISBELIEF AT EDDIE WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/1
(Frasier, Niles, Eddie, Daphne, Martin, Roz)

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP WITH EDDIE SITTING AT THEIR FEET

FRASIER

What am I going to say to Dad?

NILES

Here's your membership to the Auto Club in case he gets a flat tire?

FRASIER

Stop it. What am I going to do?

NILES

One thing for certain don't let him go out in the rain. Those wheels will rust up so fast, he won't be able to move and if he looks up, that cone will fill up so fast he'll have drowned before he realises it's even raining.

FRASIER

This is all just so amusing to you isn't it?

NILES

You know it is. Just tell Dad that he was like it when you went out. You never know he might believe it.

FRASIER

Only if he's gone insane in the time that I've been gone.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT. EDDIE REMAINS IN THERE AS HE HASN'T MASTERED HIS WHEELS YET AND IS HAVING TROUBLE MOVING.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES LOOKS BACK TO SEE EDDIE STILL IN THE ELEVATOR

NILES

Aren't you forgetting someone?

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND THEY ALL EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, NILES AND EDDIE ENTER AS DAPHNE APPEARS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

What the bloody hell happened to him?

FRASIER

To whom?

DAPHNE

The little furbinator there.

FRASIER PLACES EDDIE ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER

Nothing.

DAPHNE

Oh I see, he just happened to mutate into this current state while at the dog park. It must be all that radioactive waste dumped there recently. Not a day goes by down there when you don't see a squirrel mutated into a tiny electric wheelchair, going by.

NILES

He was ran over.

DAPHNE

What by a herd of elephants?

ENTER MARTIN FROM HIS ROOM

FRASIER

Daphne you're not helping. What am I going to tell Dad? Dad!

MARTIN

Hey, what's going on?

FRASIER

Nothing, nothing at all.

MARTIN

You've been gone a hell of a long time, I was starting to worry. Did you take Eddie into the station with you?

FRASIER

Not exactly.

MARTIN

Where is he?

FRASIER

Over here.

MARTIN

Oh my God, what did you do to him?

MARTIN IMMEDIATELY RUSHES TO EDDIE

FRASIER

Nothing he was like that when I went out.

NILES GIVES FRASIER THE THUMBS UP

MARTIN

I think I'd have noticed a traffic cone on his head when I put his collar on. Do you honestly think I came down in the last shower?

NILES

Well he was hoping.

FRASIER

Shut up.

MARTIN

What did you do to him? Put him in a trash compactor?

FRASIER

He was run over.

MARTIN

You threw my dog in front of a car?

NILES

Actually it was a bus.

FRASIER

Shut up.

DAPHNE

How about you help me in the kitchen.

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

How could you do this Frasier?

FRASIER

I didn't mean to, it was an accident.

MARTIN

I trusted him with you.

FRASIER

It's not so bad it's hardly noticeable.

MARTIN

Hardly noticeable? You've turned my dog into a shopping cart. Whenever we go out there are going to be old ladies trying to stuff hair nets and cat food down his throat.

FRASIER

That should be good news. Think of it as a way to meet women.

MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE TO HIS ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Wait Dad, I've got his medication.

FRASIER FOLLOWS THEM AND EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

NILES

Maybe I should go and see if they're both all right?

DAPHNE

You just want to earwig their conversation.

NILES

How could you think that? I'm concerned for the well being of my family.

DAPHNE

Stay put, you gossipy fishwife.

NILES MOVES IN AND PUSHES DAPHNE UP THE ISLAND AND KISSES HER NECK

NILES

You think you can stop me, you're not the boss of me. Mel maybe, Maris definitely, but not you.

DAPHNE

Since when?

SHE KISSES HIM

NILES

I rule the roost, I am Tarzan hear me roar. Oh and you should see me in a loincloth.

DAPHNE

I can imagine boss man.

NILES

That's right I am the boss man.

DAPHNE

Oh shut up, off you go.

SHE SLAPS HIS ARM. NILES EXITS

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS TRYING TO FIND THE RINGING PHONE. SHE TRACKS IT DOWN TO NILES' COAT. SHE TAKES OUT THE PHONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) Niles! Never mind.

SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Hello? Yes it is. Oh yes hello Mel. No he can't get to the phone at the moment. I'll pass that message on. OK, bye.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

I got the impression they didn't want to talk to me when the door hit my face. Was that my cell phone?

DAPHNE

Have you got something you want to tell me?

HE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER

NILES

Yes, I drank all those protein shakes you gave me and now I'm as frisky as a Tomcat in heat. I just need a scratching post.

DAPHNE

I meant why your ex-wife is phoning you on your cell phone.

DAPHNE PUSHES HIM AWAY

NILES

Ah well, listen Daphne before you get upset, I can explain everything about Maris.

DAPHNE

Maris? That was Mel. How many more old flames have you bunked up with today?

NILES

Just those two, but I can explain about Mel too.

DAPHNE

Oh I bet you can.

NILES

Daphne please listen to me.

DAPHNE

I'd rather not hear all the sordid details if it's all the same with you.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY NILES AS MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE WITH FRASIER CLOSE BEHIND

FRASIER

Don't you run away from me. How many more times do I have to say I'm sorry? If I could glue the little dog back together again I would.

MARTIN

If only it were that simple, you tried to murder my dog. What's next? Are you going to start lacing my beer cans with arsenic? Make a bonfire with my chair?

FRASIER

Oh don't tempt me.

ENTER DAPHNE WITH NILES STILL FOLLOWING

DAPHNE

Am I over reacting? I didn't realise it wasn't appropriate to get a little upset when your boyfriend starts knocking it around with both his ex-wives in one day. What is the proper etiquette? To get a slight migraine when the first baby is born?

MARTIN

You did what? What is it with you boys, betraying the people who love you the most?

NILES

Dad stay out of this, and focus on your own problem, I'm not the one who tried to kill your dog, Frasier did, I wasn't even there.

FRASIER

Will you stop making it worse you little weasel!

DAPHNE

And the only reason you weren't with him was because you were with the ice princesses seeing if they were so cold you could make your tongue stick to them.

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

What? What? Sod off you bloody pervert.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE

MARTIN

You've taken pop shots at my chair since I got here, I should have known it was only a matter of time before you started on Eddie. I've had nightmares about finding him in the blender with the setting stuck on puree.

FRASIER

It's not as if he's dead, he's just severely disabled.

NILES ATTEMPTS TO HOLD DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Get away from me.

NILES

Daphne if you'll let me explain you'll see that I've actually done nothing wrong.

DAPHNE

You've done nothing wrong?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) All right enough, we have company.

EVERYONE QUIETENS DOWN AS FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ WEARING A RATHER LARGE HAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh it's just Roz.

DAPHNE

If you didn't do anything wrong, why didn't you tell me?

MARTIN

These boys have a way of trying to cover things up.

FRASIER

I told you the truth, it's not as if I killed him and then bought a cat, cut off it's tail and painted it to look like Eddie just to deceive you.

NILES

I was going to tell you.

DAPHNE

Oh I bet you were, when you got caught.

ROZ

(SHOUTS) Quiet! Daphne a word. What kind of psychopathic, devil possessed, freak of a hairdresser did you send me to?

DAPHNE

What do you mean? What's wrong with Gloria?

ROZ

Gloria wasn't available so I had to have Sue. Come into the kitchen.

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

A BEAT

DAPHNE SCREAMS AND THEN RE-ENTERS WITH ROZ

DAPHNE

I am so sorry.

ROZ

This is all your fault.

DAPHNE

How is it my fault? You should have thought twice about using her when you saw she had a lazy eye, a wooden leg that's a foot shorter than it should be and three fingers missing. She can hardly hold the scissors.

ROZ LIFTS UP HER HAND TO DISPLAY A PLASTER

ROZ

I've noticed. I'll spare you the details of where else she stabbed, but just say I won't be dating for a while.

FRASIER

What happened?

ROZ

It's blue. I asked for a wash, trim and blow dry and instead now I looked like a character off God damn Sesame Street. All I need is to raid a candy store, not shave my legs for a week and I might as well be the Cookie Monster.

DAPHNE

Look on the bright side, at least you'll be able to tell us then if Burt and Ernie are really gay.

ROZ

Burt and Ernie are not gay, they're just good friends. What is that noise? Oh my God what happened to Eddie? Why would you buy a dog a scooter?

MARTIN

Frasier threw him in front of a bus.

FRASIER

I did not throw him it was an accident. If I had thrown him the cleaning service at the bus depot would have to have prised him off the grid with the jaws of life not pick him up off the floor. How many times do I have to apologise? What is it you want me to do? Take care of him twenty-four hours a day? Because if that's what it takes for you to forgive me, I'll do it.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED ONCE AGAIN BY NILES

MARTIN

It's a start.

ROZ

I have bright blue hair let's focus on that, not on robo-dog.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Listen Daphne please.

FRASIER

(OFFSTAGE) Ahhhhhhh

MARTIN STARTS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY FROM OFFSTAGE

DAPHNE

What's happened?

ROZ

(OFFSTAGE) I took my hat off. It's not funny.

NILES

Daphne I never told you because I was trying to protect you. There have been some incredibly degrading rumours going around the Seattle elite about me, and especially you. I didn't want you to find out because I knew it would just upset you. I phoned Mel to confront her about it but she said it wasn't her, and then she tipped me off that it was Maris, so I went to see her. I've only done this for you. Do you honestly think that I would want to see either of them again especially with the knowledge that my doing so would jeopardise our relationship?

DAPHNE

I guess not. I'm so sorry, I over reacted. You're so sweet to try to protect me like that. What's she been saying?

NILES

Let's just say it'll be best if you stay away from the docks and anywhere where they sell balloons and silly putty.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE

ROZ

Will you stop laughing at me! Alice took one look at me and screamed. I had to coax her out from under the bed with a bag of M&M's and a promise to buy her a kitten.

MARTIN

It's not so bad, you just look like you're going through a mid-life crisis.

ROZ

I'm not old enough to go through a mid-life crisis.

FRASIER

Since when?

ROZ

Oh be quiet I'm not the one whose pushing fifty.

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Hello? What? Just you see here. What does it matter what I'm wearing? Let's just leave the oral sex out of this thankyou very much.

NILES

Who is it?

DAPHNE

I have no idea.

DAPHNE GIVES NILES THE PHONE

NILES

May I help you? No I don't do a French accent. Who is this?

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER

What's wrong?

NILES

It sounds like some pervert has got your telephone number from somewhere.

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN ANSWERS

DAPHNE

Hello? Where did you get this number? Look any bondage is between me and me boyfriend.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE

ROZ

That's more than I wanted to hear.

MARTIN

What the hell is going on?

ROZ

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh my God, I know about this.

NILES

We'll all try to contain our amazement. Are you entering into a new business venture Roz?

ROZ

No, I was using the phone outside Nervosa and I saw one of those 'Sex Chat' call cards on the wall. I thought it was this number, but I just dismissed it because I only glanced at it.

FRASIER

I saw one of those this morning in the park 'Madam Daphne'.

DAPHNE

What?

NILES

Oh my God Maris. Could she really have stooped that low?

ROZ

I don't know but according to those cards Daphne sure can.

AS THE TELEPHONE RINGS ONCE AGAIN WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — DAY —DAY/2
(Roz, Frasier, Eddie, Kenny, Tim (VO))

ROZ STANDS WRITING ON HER CLIP BOARD IN FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH (STILL WEARING THAT STRANGE HAT) AS FRASIER WALKS IN CARRYING EDDIE

ROZ

Frasier you've bought Eddie to work with you.

FRASIER

Observant to the end aren't you Roz.

ROZ

You couldn't have received the memo, but bring your dog to work day was cancelled this year due to lack of interest.

ENTER KENNY

KENNY

Hi Frasier. Wow what is that? One of those chi pets for your son?

FRASIER

It's my father's dog.

ROZ

He's looking after him to eliminate the guilt he's feeling after he threw him in front of a car.

FRASIER

I did not throw him in front of a car, I tripped over him and in the course of trying to maintain my balance I accidentally kicked him in front of a moving bus.

KENNY

You did this to your own father? How could you Doc?

FRASIER

I didn't throw my father in front of the bus. I threw his dog in front of a bus. I hope you can tell the difference between my father and a dog, because if you can't my God I suggest therapy.

KENNY

Is he going to be all right in here during your show?

FRASIER

Kenny he can hardly move, the problems that he'll cause are minimal at best.

KENNY

Have you considered attaching a remote controlled car to the back of his cart? That way you don't have to push him around, you can just use the control and bring him to you at a flip of a switch.

FRASIER

Yes and that's exactly what I want, a remote controlled dog whizzing around my apartment. It's bad enough that I have to help him with his bowel movements without making him vomit with the g-force at the same time. Why don't I just buy him a hat with earflaps and goggles and call him Biggles.

KENNY

It was just a suggestion. Hey Roz, nice hat.

ROZ

Oh thanks Kenny.

ROZ GOES TO TAKE IT OFF

FRASIER

No, no, keep it on.

KENNY

Why?

FRASIER

Roz has hallucinogenic hair.

ROZ

Oh it's not that bad.

FRASIER

It's bright blue. If you stare at it too long, it will send you blind. It comes with the same health warning as a solar eclipse. Speaking of which Roz haven't you at least tried to wash it out once?

ROZ

No I thought I'd keep it like this, it makes me much more attractive to men. It won't come out. It would be easier to piece together the shark at the end of 'Jaws' then to get my hair back to it's normal colour.

ROZ EXITS TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH

KENNY

Why did she dye it in the first place? Mid-life crisis?

FRASIER

Well actually...that's right mid-life crisis. And a little late if you ask me.

ROZ

I heard that. You're on in three.

KENNY EXITS AS FRASIER STARTS HIS SHOW

FRASIER

Good afternoon Seattle this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. Before we quickly switch over to Chopper Dave for a traffic report I'd like to make a personal appeal. A certain vindictive, flag pole of the Seattle social elite has taken it upon themselves to cause a great deal of distress to my family by advertising a sex chat line with my telephone number. So I ask everyone now to please stop calling Madam Daphne, as on the other end of the line you will only find an extremely annoyed psychiatrist not someone who can make all your dreams come true but rather all your nightmares. I'll be back after this.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR

ROZ

Nice one Frasier.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

ROZ

You've basically just called all your listeners a bunch of perverts who have nothing better to do than phone sex lines. Which in most cases is actually true, but they're still going to find it offensive.

EDDIE BEGINS TO WHINE

FRASIER

I did not. Oh what is it Eddie? Oh very well fine.

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND STARTS TO RUB HIS STOMACH

ROZ

What are you doing?

FRASIER

Massaging his abdomen. Dad's convinced it's essential in order for him to digest his food probably since he can't move.

ROZ

And you believe this?

FRASIER

Hell I'm feeling guilty.

ROZ

Is this chat line really that bad?

FRASIER

Roz it's a telethon. Only they're not pledging money. Except that one man who was going to pay Dad twenty dollars to spell 'buttock' out over the phone. I won't tell you what he wanted him to spell for a thousand, but it made him blush. But then again I'm sure you know him and most of the men calling Roz.

ROZ

Bite me. OK on again in three.

FRASIER JUST MANAGES TO REACH THE BUTTON PAST EDDIE TO GO BACK ON AIR

FRASIER

Hello Seattle we're back. And now let's get straight to the phone lines. Roz who do we have on line one?

ROZ

We have Tim from Kirkland who has been experiencing some child abuse flashbacks of late.

FRASIER TRIES TO PRESS A BUTTON BUT CAN'T REACH AS HE HOLDS EDDIE

FRASIER

Roz I can't reach the button will you pass it through please?

ROZ

Of course Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Hello Tim I'm listening.

EDDIE BEGINS TO LICK FRASIER'S FACE

TIM

It all started a few weeks ago after I had a car accident. The trauma of it sent all of these memories to the front of my mind that I'd managed to repress over the years. I find them coming to me all the time, in my sleep, during the day, all the times when I would say to my father…

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Oh will you please stop licking me.

TIM

How could you know that? Oh my God, oh the memories, oh the horror.

TIM HANGS UP

FRASIER

We'll be right back after this.

AS FRASIER GOES BACK OFF AIR WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

TITLE CARD: 'ONE MAN AND HIS PAMPERED LITTLE POOCH'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2
(Martin, Frasier, Eddie, Niles, Daphne, Roz)

EDDIE LIES ON THE COUCH ON HIS BACK SURROUNDED BY PILLOWS AS FRASIER FUSSES AROUND HIM AND MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR

MARTIN

He needs another pillow.

FRASIER

Another one? Anymore and he's going to disappear beneath them and suffocate. He'll have to send up a flare so we can find him. Fine another pillow. Would Indian cotton suit him better or would he prefer that pig pillow that Daphne keeps on her bed? I feel it would be more comforting on the back of his head.

MARTIN

Just for that abuse you can bring me a beer.

FRASIER

Oh do I have to fetch a beer? Can't you paddle me instead? Surely I wasn't bad enough to be punished this severely.

MARTIN

And Eddie needs more water, bottled.

FRASIER

For God sake Dad, normally he just drinks from the toilet, now you want me to give him bottled water? I suppose you also want me to substitute the Toilet Duck for ice cubs.

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN

Are you arguing with me? Are you forgetting you almost killed him a few days ago?

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR

FRASIER

How could I forget?

ENTER NILES

NILES

Hi Frasier I have good news… I see you're still playing Dr. Doolittle. I have a cat welded to the hood of my car. He's meowing but I can't understand a word. Will you go and ask if it's in pain. I think it may need you at apply an ice pack and a Band-Aid.

FRASIER

Ha! Now what do you want?

NILES

Just a quick question. Do you have to take his temperature?

FRASIER

I'll take yours in a minute. Now what's the good news?

NILES

I've resolved this phone business, normal service is to resume immediately.

FRASIER

Have you changed my number?

NILES

Yes I did and to prevent it from ever happening again I went to see Maris. I'll rephrase that, I tried to see Maris, but she was dabbing at her watercolours and I kept loosing track of her behind her paintbrush.

FRASIER

It's amazing how her weight has changed again. Not six months ago, you'd struggle to loose her behind an elephant. It's from one extreme to the other.

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM WITH HER HAIR WRAPPED IN A TOWEL

NILES

I know she looks absolutely fantastic in a minimalist kind of way.

DAPHNE

Who's this?

NILES

Maris, I went to see her again this afternoon and I've resolved the situation.

DAPHNE

You went to see her again?

NILES

Of course, I had to sort this out. Anyway it should no longer be an issue because I have her exactly where I want her.

FRASIER

What did you say to her?

NILES

One mention of the words urinal cakes and she folded like a ratty old deck chair.

FRASIER

When have you ever folded a deck chair?

DAPHNE

What time did you see her?

NILES

Lunch time, and then she had to run, appointment at the hairdressers I think she said.

DAPHNE

Oh right, I best get back to Roz, we're still trying to get that dye out of her hair.

THEY KISS BEFORE DAPHNE RATHER HURRIEDLY EXITS AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Have you got Eddie his water yet? Hey Niles.

NILES

Hi Dad.

FRASIER

No not yet I'll do it now before he dehydrates and wastes away to practically nothing.

MARTIN

You're the one…

FRASIER

Yes I know I'm the one who did it.

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND POURS IT INTO EDDIE'S BOWL

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Keep it up much longer and I'll try the same thing with you, only it won't be a bus, it'll be a train.

NILES

Feeling stressed?

FRASIER

I can't take much more of this. What with the porn telethon going on under my roof, Roz blinding me with her head and having to run around after that dog all day long, I am literally at breaking point.

NILES

Oh come on Frasier it can't be that bad.

FRASIER

He can't go for a walk let alone the Dog Park.

NILES

So?

FRASIER

I have to hold him over the toilet. Now you may have a different interpretation but spreading a dogs legs above a toilet bowl is not my idea of fun. Especially when he's aim is poor at best. I had to throw out a four hundred-dollar pair of suede shoes this morning.

NILES

Then stop doing it.

FRASIER

I would but I just feel so guilty, and Dad just makes me feel ten times worse. Sometimes I swear he could almost be Jewish.

NILES

Then talk to him about it.

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

NILES (CONT'D)

Excuse me. (ON PHONE) Hello? Maris? Now Maris calm down. What happened? Oh my God.

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BED, BOTH WITH THEIR HAIR WRAPPED UP IN TOWELS. ROZ READS THE DIRECTIONS OFF A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

DAPHNE

It's been driving me up the bleeding wall. Oh Maris looks so good, oh you should she her. Never mind how she treated him all those years, or the fact she's spreading rumours around that I'm a part time prostitute and can open a beer bottle with my bum cheeks. No she just looks stunning. But of course she would look stunning compared to a common forest troll from the slums like me.

ROZ

Oh Daphne, you're worrying too much about this. Firstly, Niles is just amazed at her weight loss that's all, I mean the woman practically had her own gravitational pull. Secondly, you know he loves you and remember he was in love with you while he was with her. And thirdly, there is absolutely nothing troll like about you. Not in this light at least.

DAPHNE

I know, if anyone's troll like it's you with this hair. You look like one of those little ones that school children put on their pencils.

ROZ

That's very funny.

ENTER NILES

NILES

Daphne what did you do to Maris?

DAPHNE

Nothing.

NILES

Fine I'll rephrase, what did you get your lunatic hairdresser to do to Maris? Roz I think you should leave.

ROZ

But I want to hear.

NILES

Roz!

ROZ

Fine I'm going, (SOTTO TO DAPHNE) fill me in later.

EXIT ROZ

NILES

How could you do this?

DAPHNE

I didn't do anything. I just told Sue what had been going on, I didn't expect her to do anything. What did she do?

NILES

She's bald Daphne.

DAPHNE

Sue's been bald for years, she's waxes her head almost religiously.

NILES

No Maris is bald. Completely bald. Not a hair in sight. It's not funny. I've only just sorted this mess out with her, it's only going to make her retaliate.

DAPHNE

Oh fine go ahead take her side why don't you.

NILES

I'm not taking sides, I'm just amazed that you would do something so childish after I said I would take care of this.

DAPHNE

It was only to get my own back. After all with no hair I'm sure she's still looking 'absolutely fantastic.'

NILES

Oh my God you're jealous.

DAPHNE

No I'm not.

NILES

Yes you are. You're jealous of Maris.

DAPHNE

Can you blame me? All I've heard for the last week is 'Maris looks so good', 'she's stunning', how do you think that made me feel to hear you say that after she started advertising me as a prostitute, and especially as she's your ex-wife after all.

NILES

Daphne this is crazy. I only said those things because I was pleased that the woman I spent fifteen years of my life with wasn't likely to have a stroke from walking up the stairs. I do still care what happens to her even after what she did to me, after fifteen years how can you expect me to feel any different. But I love you. I was in love with you throughout the last six years of my marriage. I only went to see her in the first place to protect you. I love you.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry. I've been acting like a complete berk haven't I?

NILES

I should have been more sensitive. Come here.

THEY HUG

DAPHNE

Is she really bald?

NILES

Oh don't worry about it, the woman has a wig volt. If need be she'll shave one of the dogs and use that fur.

DAPHNE

She should draw rabbits on her head.

NILES

Why would she do a thing like that?

DAPHNE

Because from a distance they'll look like hares.

NILES

That is by far and away the worst joke I have ever heard. And remember I attend a wine club, the personality people of the world. They've told some real corkers in the past. Are you sure you're OK with this?

DAPHNE

I'm fine and I'm sorry for what I did. The whole situation just sent me a bit barmy.

NILES

Really? Well then I recommend you see a therapist. And I know just the one too. He's very thorough.

DAPHNE

I bet you do.

THEY KISS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE NILES BREAKS AWAY LOOKING AT DAPHNE'S HAIR STICKING OUT FROM BENEATH THE TOWEL

NILES

Daphne, what did you do to your hair?

DAPHNE

Oh I got some shampoo off Sue that would get rid of that colour from Roz's hair. But she wouldn't use it unless I did.

NILES

Daphne I think you'd better take a look in the mirror.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH HOLDING EDDIE AS MARTIN WATCHES CLOSELY. ROZ SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH

DAPHNE

(OFFSTAGE) Oh my God.

ROZ

What is he doing to her?

FRASIER

It's best not to think about it. It'll only conjure up images that you'll spend valuable time repressing later.

MARTIN

Don't hold him like that you'll hurt him.

ROZ

Right thirty minutes. It should be done.

ROZ TAKES THE TOWEL OFF HER HEAD. INSTEAD OF HER HAIR BEING BLUE IT'S NOW A DARK SHADE OF GREEN

ROZ (CONT'D)

How does it look?

MARTIN

Definitely different.

FRASIER

Maybe you should take a look in the mirror.

ROZ LOOKS IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR

ROZ

Oh my God. I'm going to kill that woman, she said it would get it out not make me look like Kermit the Frog in drag.

FRASIER

And this is the same woman who accidentally dyed it that colour in the first place?

ROZ

Alice is going to freak out even more when she sees this. She already cried twice this week when I went to pick her up from Mrs. Melvile's. Do you have any idea what's it's like to have you child want to spend time with a woman who uses her false leg as an umbrella stand than with you because you happen to have frightening hair?

FRASIER

Well no, I can't say I…

ROZ

Well look who I'm talking to, you don't even have hair. What am I going to do?

FRASIER

It's not so bad. Admittedly yes, it does have a certain Dr. Seuss, Grinch kind of quality but it still looks good none the less. I think it actually makes you look ten years younger. And you can accessorise with it, it'll work trust me.

ROZ

Oh yes it would be perfect if I was on a float for the St. Patrick's day parade, but I'm not, I'm a single mother trying to get a date.

FRASIER

It may have some real pulling power in a prison yard.

ROZ

The ideal place to find nice single men. Why don't I just try it out down the docks after dark?

MARTIN

Frasier will you be careful with him.

FRASIER

Dad he's fine.

MARTIN

Give him to me.

FRASIER

Roz will you give us a moment please?

ROZ

Is there any room in this apartment where I can go?

FRASIER

Yes Leprechaun's are permitted to hide their lucky charms in my room. Try washing it again.

ROZ EXITS TO FRASIER'S ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now Dad I have apologised obsessively in the last week, I have tendered to yours and Eddie's every need and it's still not good enough. I don't understand what else I'm supposed to do here.

MARTIN

That's right you don't understand how could you.

FRASIER

Dad will you talk to me please.

MARTIN

I just see this little guy getting hurt and ill and it just reminds me, he's getting old now, just like me, he's not going to be around much longer.

FRASIER

He wasn't hurt that badly, it looks a lot worse that it is.

MARTIN

I know, I know. It just scared me that's all. What am I going to do when he's gone? He's my buddy, he's my pal, who am I going to have to talk to?

FRASIER

You'll have me, I'm still here. And besides I don't break off a conversation mid-sentence to lick myself. Eddie's fine, he's still got years left in him. And shouldn't you be out enjoying yourself with the time he does have left not wrapping him in cotton wool so he doesn't hurt himself?

MARTIN

I guess. The whole thing just reminds me about how much time I've got left.

FRASIER

Oh now Dad, you're fine. You're not an old man, although you do act it from time to time. The truth is no one really knows how much time they have left.

MARTIN

I know. It's just something that I'm going to have to work through.

FRASIER

I mean Roz is likely to go before all of us with the amount of toxins she's had on her head in the past few days. Listen if you ever need to talk about this Dad, you know I'm here for you. And not just me, you have Niles and Daphne too.

MARTIN

I know. And don't feel too bad about Eddie. I did the same thing a few years ago.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

MARTIN

Before you moved to Seattle I was having trouble with his lead wrapped around my cane, you know how it happens.

FRASIER

You've been putting me through hell this last week with the guilt and you've done it yourself? In that case I have a confession, it wasn't a bus. It was heavy goods truck.

MARTIN

Frasier! How could you do that he's just a little dog! Come one Eddie.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM, EDDIE TRIES TO FOLLOW BUT HIS WHEEL GETS STUCK AND HE IS UNABLE TO MOVE

FRASIER

I probably shouldn't tell him that I dropped you down that manhole on the way to the vet's. We'll keep that just between us.

AS FRASIER LOOSENS EDDIES WHEEL AND HE EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ, AT HOME, ONCE AGAIN WASHES HER HAIR WITH YET ANOTHER MAKE OF SHAMPOO TO TRY TO REMOVE THE COLOUR. WHEN SHE TAKES THE TOWEL OFF HER HEAD, IT'S NO LONGER GREEN, BUT NOW A SHADE OF YELLOW.