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Alternative Season Eight Episode Eighteen
Big Trouble In Little Nervosa
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'HOLD ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Kevin, Nick)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT NEAR THE COUNTER DRINKING THEIR COFFEE DURING WHICH NILES KEEPS STRETCHING OUT HIS ARM AND RUBBING HIS ELBOW
FRASIER
What's wrong with your elbow? Bursitis? Or have you been conducting your stereo rather violently again? Remember last time you were only inches away from setting fire to your fainting couch with that air borne candle. Not to mention and more importantly one would think, setting fire to Daphne.
NILES
To this day the smell of burning hair puts me in a romantic mood. Anyway no, I fell out of bed last night and landed on it.
FRASIER
You fell out of bed? Please don't tell me that you're that desperate to recapture your youth that you've actually purchased a bunk bed. This can only end in disaster. You're the only man I know who can loose control of his hand and eye co-ordination while climbing a ladder.
NILES
I fell out of Daphne's bed.
FRASIER
You're forty-two years old for goodness sake, what were you doing to fall out of bed?
NILES
Trust me you'll sleep easier with Daphne and I in the next room if you don't know.
FRASIER
Fair enough.
ENTER ROZ WHO JOINS THEM AT THEIR TABLE
ROZ
Hi guys. So, Niles how's the elbow, you wildcat?
NILES
How do you know about that?
ROZ
Who do you think gave her the idea in the first place? I'll give you a clue it wasn't Eddie or her mother.
NILES
In that case this coffee's on me. Is there anything else you'd like? Six months rent paid, a BMW, a big screen TV?
FRASIER ROLLS HIS EYES
FRASIER
As well as the enema he's currently giving you. Spare me, I don't want to know.
ROZ
Hey Frasier how are things going with Kim?
FRASIER
God only knows.
ROZ
That bad huh?
FRASIER
I mean that quite literally. God only knows. You see Kim has discovered her religious side.
NILES
That's not a bad thing. You should begin to worry when she discovers her schizophrenic, knife welding side.
FRASIER
Had another break though with one of your patients?
NILES
Yes and now she's been committed, is on the waiting list for a lobotomy and undergoes electro-shock therapy six nights a week. A job well done. Now on to your date.
FRASIER
Niles after one night with me, Kim decided to take a vow of chastity and become a Nun. Sorry make that sister Kimberly. I repel more women than that man up on fifth who displays his kidney in a mayonnaise jar. What is wrong with me?
ROZ
I'd love to answer that question in detail Frasier but I have to pick Alice up in about four hours.
FRASIER
Why don't I just admit it, I'll never have sex again. I should just have let Lilith cut it off and pickle it during the divorce for all the use I get from it. I might as well shave my head and join a monastery.
ROZ
Oh come on Frasier it won't come to that.
FRASIER
Do you really think so?
NILES
Of course, there'll be no need to shave your head, nature seems to have taken care of that for you.
ROZ
Anyway you can't tell me that Monk's don't get any.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
ROZ
I just don't buy into this whole celibacy thing.
FRASIER
We've noticed Roz. You've gone out of your way to make sure that the one thing people can't call you is celibate.
NILES
Are you telling us that you've, you know, with a, you know?
FRASIER
Hopefully you'll be able to crack that cryptic code.
ROZ
No I haven't. In my opinion brown potato sacks and bowl haircuts aren't the biggest turn on. I'm more of your g-string wearing fireman kind of girl.
NILES
Shucks Frasier, we're both out of luck.
FRASIER
We don't need the image. Then what are you talking about?
ROZ
Are you telling me that they don't organise little booty call field trips?
FRASIER
No! Of course not.
ROZ
Why else are Monk's sworn to a vow of silence if they weren't trying to cover something up?
NILES
Because they're men of the cloth!
ROZ
You're living in a dream world.
NILES
You're living in a porn world.
KEVIN AND NICK ENTER AND ORDER A COFFEE. BOTH ARE RATHER LARGE MEN AND EXTREMELY WELL DRESSED. THERE IS NO WHERE TO SIT SO THEY STAND AT THE COUNTER
ROZ
It's a natural urge. Why else do you see so many Nuns with chipped teeth?
NILES
Well maybe they drill.
ROZ
Oh they drill all right. Bye boys.
ROZ EXITS WITH HER COFFEE
FRASIER
I've forgotten what we were even talking about.
NILES
Your pathetic love life.
FRASIER
Thanks for the reminder, the depression had almost left my system for a moment there, but now its back with vengeance and brought with it a overwhelming sense of foreboding.
NILES
You're my brother, you're always welcome.
KEVIN AND NICK APPROACH THEIR TABLE
NICK
Have you guys finished with your table?
FRASIER
No not yet.
KEVIN
But you've drunk your coffee.
FRASIER
But we were just about to order another.
NICK
That's right, you were, now you're not. So off you go.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
KEVIN
You heard him point dexter, beat it. And take your girlfriend here with you.
NILES
Are you referring to me?
KEVIN
Hey you've got something on your shirt there.
NILES
Where?
THE MOMENT NILES LOOKS DOWN TO SEE WHAT'S ON HIS SHIRT, KEVIN FLICKS THE END OF HIS NOSE
NILES (CONT'D)
Did you just flick me?
KEVIN
Yes, do you want me to do it again?
NILES FLINCHES AWAY FROM HIM
NILES
No.
FRASIER
This is ridiculous. We are sitting here end of story. Find yourself another table.
NICK
Maybe you didn't hear us. Beat it.
CLEARLY INTIMIDATED, FRASIER AND NILES GET OUT OF THEIR SEATS AND MOVE INTO THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA AS KEVIN AND NICK SIT DOWN
NILES
Frasier this is crazy, I'm not about to be bullied by these ruffians. I'm a grown man for heavens sake.
FRASIER
Well what are we going to do, flick them back?
NILES
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to walk back over there, stand tall, proud, ask for my briefcase back and then run like hell out of that door.
FRASIER
Oh and that will resolve the situation, by them seeing you run like some sort of demented chicken in heat.
NILES
You're the one who encouraged me to jump out of the window.
FRASIER
You were getting on my nerves, I just wanted to see you proved wrong.
NILES
And my getting a nearly full body cast would achieve that?
NICK
Are you two still here?
KEVIN
Are you just sticking around waiting for us to give you both a wedgey? Because if that's the case I don't mind indulging you.
NILES WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE AND BENDS DOWN TO GET HIS BRIEFCASE
NILES
I just want to get my briefcase.
KEVIN MAKES A SUDDEN GESTURE TOWARDS NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY, HOLDING ON TIGHT TO HIS TROUSERS
NILES (CONT'D)
You stay away from my underwear.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER NILES' CHANGE AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE
WAITRESS
Here's your change Sir.
KEVIN TAKES THE CHANGE AND PUT IT IN HIS POCKET
NILES
Actually that's mine. Never mind.
NICK PRETENDS TO LUNGE AT THEM WHICH CAUSES THEM BOTH TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Eddie)
DAPHNE RUSHES TO PUT HER KEY IN THE DOOR AS ROZ IMPATIENTLY JUMPS AROUND BESIDE HER
ROZ
Quick Daphne get that door open.
DAPHNE
OK quick go.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ RUSHES IN AS MARTIN AND EDDIE APPEAR FROM AROUND THE CORNER
MARTIN
Hi, what's wrong with Roz? She need the bathroom?
DAPHNE, MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ SITS LOOKING THROUGH THE TELESCOPE AS MARTIN TAKES OFF EDDIE'S LEAD
DAPHNE
No, just the telescope.
ROZ
Just in time, he's on the treadmill.
MARTIN
Who's this?
ROZ
A body builder across the street with a pair of buns you could crack a walnut on.
MARTIN
You're spying on a body builder?
ROZ
I am not spying. If he's stupid enough to leave the blinds open when he's taking a shower it's his problem and my entertainment.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Oh dear God Roz not again.
ROZ
Oh what harm does it do?
FRASIER
Eventually it'll send you blind.
ROZ
Well you must look more than I do, because I didn't think he was big enough to reach all the way over here. But then again you did need a hobby.
MARTIN
What are you doing home so early anyway?
FRASIER
There was a little incident in Nervosa.
ROZ
What incident?
NILES, WHO HAS BEEN LYING UNDER THE PIANO THE ENTIRE TIME, SHUFFLES FORWARD SO THAT HE IS IN VIEW FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHILE REMAINING IN THE SAFE ENVIRONMENT UNDER THE PIANO
NILES
We were bullied.
MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO WORK OUT WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM
MARTIN
Where did that come from?
DAPHNE SEES HIM AND KNEELS DOWN BESIDE THE PIANO
DAPHNE
Oh Niles what are you doing under there?
NILES
It's safe under here.
ROZ
Oh my God, could you be anymore pathetic?
MARTIN
What happened?
FRASIER
A couple of guys, took our table and made us leave.
MARTIN
For God's sake your men not mice, why didn't you stand up for yourselves?
NILES
I tried to but he flicked my nose.
DAPHNE
Come on honey, out you come.
NILES
No, you come under here. I'll protect you from the dust bunnies. Except for that one, it seems to have some sort of wasp inside of it.
MARTIN
So they flicked and intimidated you and you just took it?
FRASIER
They took Niles' change from the coffee as well.
ROZ
So?
NILES
That was my lunch money.
DAPHNE
Oh honey come here.
DAPHNE CRAWLS UNDER THE PIANO AND HUGS HIM
MARTIN
So you just ran out of there with your tails between your legs.
NILES
Well Frasier ran first.
FRASIER
I was only trying to get out of your way before you knocked me to the ground and trampled my head into the floorboards.
NILES
You're just in shock, you can still see the fear in your eyes.
FRASIER
That's because my brother is lying under a piano.
ROZ
Ooh he's got a friend.
DAPHNE GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO AND RUSHES TO LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE
DAPHNE
Let me look. My God he's as fit if not fitter than the other one. What do they put in the water over there?
ROZ
I don't know but you can be pretty sure they don't put the same thing in the water over here.
NILES
Should I be concerned that you've just abandoned me in my time of crisis to gawk at some body builder over the road?
DAPHNE
If you like.
ROZ
I think I've died and gone to hunk heaven.
DAPHNE
Oh dear Roz, I don't want to burst your bubble but…
ROZ
But what?
DAPHNE
I'm pretty sure they're not just good friends.
DAPHNE MOVES AWAY FROM THE TELESCOPE AND SITS ON THE COUCH SO THAT ROZ CAN LOOK
ROZ
Let me look. Oh God, just when it looks as if I've got a promising relationship on the horizon, something just has to screw it up, like him being gay.
MARTIN
Are you sure he is?
ROZ
If he's not, that guy owes him a big apology.
FRASIER
And how was this a promising relationship, you spying on him through a telescope?
ROZ
We all have to start somewhere. And I like to start with seeing the other person naked first.
NILES
Have you ever considered seeking professional help?
ROZ
I'm not the grown man who's just been bullied and is now hiding under a piano.
NILES CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO
NILES
Fine, out I come. Are you happy now?
FRASIER
Well it looks as if we'll have to find ourselves a new place to meet in the afternoon.
NILES
It's not that easy just to move on.
ROZ
Crisis averted, I was just looking in the wrong window. My God how many muscle men live over there? I bet they have to include their chest measurements on their application forms.
MARTIN
Are you boys telling me that you're not going to go back to Nervosa because of these two?
FRASIER
I was thinking about it.
MARTIN
For God's sake grow a backbone, don't be intimidated by them. I thought we'd got past this after your run in with Derek Man.
FRASIER
And I have. Niles we are not going to be intimidated anymore.
NILES
We're not?
FRASIER
No we're not. We are not teenagers anymore, although at the moment you're acting like one. We are doctors and we will not be bullied.
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SUDDENLY PUFF THEIR CHESTS OUT AND STRUT AROUND THE ROOM
NILES
Suddenly I'm feeling a surge of testosterone. I have the uncontrollable urge to grab my crotch and spit on the carpet.
ROZ
I think I saw this scene in 'Grease'.
DAPHNE
I think you mean 'La Cage Aux Folles.'
FRASIER
I say we go back to Nervosa and we mark our territory.
NILES
Are you talking about urinating out doors? We may be men but we are not on a day release from prison.
FRASIER
I mean we make it known that, that place is our hangout and if they've got a problem with that, they know what they can do.
NILES
What's that?
FRASIER
Stick it in their pipe and smoke it. Because we're not afraid of anything.
NILES
Except insects.
FRASIER GLARES AT NILES
NILES (CONT'D)
No we're not afraid of anything. And to prove it I might even get a tattoo on my chest, something really butch to let people know that I'm not to be messed with.
ROZ
Like 'mother' maybe?
NILES
Something like 'If you can read this I'm about to kick your butt.
FRASIER
That's right because we're really tough. Killing a grizzly bear with our bare hands kind of tough.
NILES
Crushing beer cans on your forehead kind of tough.
MARTIN
You struggle to open one without breaking a nail.
FRASIER
Right are you ready to go back to Nervosa?
NILES
No, they might still be down there.
NILES CURLS UP IN A BALL ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON DAPHNE'S LAP
FRASIER
That's a good point. They might hurt us.
MARTIN
I give up with you two. I've seen bank robbing old ladies in electric wheelchairs put up a bigger fight then you two. Unless you stand up for yourselves this is going to continue to happen for the rest of your lives. And when you're in a retirement home and being tripped up with your own cane's by the bullies in the next room who have just stolen your teeth, I won't be there to reassure and comfort you.
FRASIER
When have you reassured or comforted us once today?
MARTIN
I asked you what happened didn't I?
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE STARTS TO STROKE NILES' HAIR
DAPHNE
Right now babe, let's try to cheer you up. Would you like some dinner?
NILES SHAKES HIS HEAD NO
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Would you like a sherry?
NILES AGAIN SHAKES HIS HEAD NO
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Some ice-cream?
NILES LIFTS HIS HEAD
NILES
With chocolate sprinkles?
DAPHNE
I think I even have some cherries.
NILES
They're not the waxy sprinkles are they, because I don't like them?
DAPHNE
It's a pity really, you should have held out longer, me next suggestion was going to be an afternoon of heart-pounding, neighbours calling the Police, illegal in a hundred different countries and punishable by execution kind of sex, but ice-cream is a much better suggestion.
NILES
And you have a problem with doing both?
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
ROZ
If she mothered him anymore that relationship could almost pass as incest.
ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE TELESCOPE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh my God he dropped his towel!
SHE JUMPS AS SHE SAYS THIS AND KNOCKS THE TELESCOPE WHICH JOLTS AND HITS HER IN THE EYE
FRASIER
Now that serves you right. I told you it would send you blind. And I now have a lovely cornea on the end of my telescope.
FRASIER LOOKS THROUGH THE TELESCOPE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
But at least now I'll be able to view the world through Roz's eyes. Is everyone normally naked?
AS ROZ SLAPS HIM AROUND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. MARIO'S WINE CELLAR — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Nick, Kevin, Clerk)
FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN A WINE CELLAR SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF BOTTLES OF WINE, LOOKING TO PURCHASE THE PERFECT BOTTLE TO ACCOMPANY THEIR DINNER
NILES
This is a nice little Beaujolais Neuvo.
FRASIER
Maybe for dinner tonight.
SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE
FRASIER ANSWERS HIS PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Hi Dad. You're out of beer? Well what about that emergency can that you keep in the toilet cistern? The vegetable crisper? The storage space? The terrace? My God man how do you still have a working liver? I'm not going to the liquor store. We're buying wine. We can't buy beer here. I don't think they even sell beer here.
NILES
I think they have a few cans in the gag basket.
FRASIER
I'm not putting my hand in there.
NILES
There isn't a crocodile in there waiting to snap it off.
FRASIER
But someone might see me.
NILES
It's in the back of the store.
FRASIER
Haven't you ever heard of security cameras or a real person serving you at the cashier desk instead of an android?
NILES
My God Frasier it's not a crime.
FRASIER
Then you buy him a six pack.
NILES
I most certainly will not. I have a reputation in this town.
FRASIER
(ON PHONE) I'm not getting you any from here Dad. Oh all right, Dad, I'll stop by the liquor store.
FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Now back to the wine. I saw a lovely little…
SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh for heavens sake.
NILES TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND ANSWERS IT
NILES
(OH PHONE) Hello? Daphne my love, what can I do for you? I'm out selecting a wine with Frasier. You're at the Montana? I thought we were dinning with Dad and Frasier tonight. Oh really?
A HUGE GRIN SUDDENLY CREEPS ACROSS NILES' FACE
NILES (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) Suddenly I'm no longer hungry. What do you want cookie dough for? Well that does sound…
NILES MOUTH SUDDENLY DROPS OPEN AT THE SAME TIME AS HE LOOSES HIS GRIP ON THE WINE BOTTLE HE WAS HOLDING CAUSING IT TO SMASH AROUND HIS FEET
NILES (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) That does...arouse...certain possibilities.
FRASIER
Niles, we're supposed to be purchasing some wine, not having phone sex. Give it to me.
FRASIER TAKES THE PHONE AND IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT AS HE LISTENS
FRASIER
(ON PHONE) Daphne, its Dr. Crane.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE SHE SHOUTS) Oh my God.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND HANDS IT BACK TO NILES
FRASIER
She's a little embarrassed but she says she'll see you later. Now finally to the wine.
NICK AND KEVIN ENTER
NILES
Oh my God Frasier, quick hide, it's the bullies.
FRASIER
I'm not going to hide. Have you forgotten our discussion yesterday? We are going to stand up for ourselves.
NILES
Yes but that's when I was pumped with testosterone and adrenaline. I'm currently pumped with something that could almost be described as cowardly, cowardly custard.
FRASIER
What happened to the Niles who was going to grab hold of his crotch and spit on the floor?
NILES
He was arrested for indecent exposure and left me in his place. And I say let's run, run far, run fast.
FRASIER
Niles don't be ridiculous. We are not going to run like children. They're coming, quick hide.
NICK
Well lookie who we have here.
KEVIN
Where did you ladies run off to yesterday?
NILES
We had an appointment.
NICK
Where?
KEVIN
At the gynaecologists?
NICK
What have you got there?
KEVIN TAKES THE BOTTLE OFF NILES
KEVIN
Beaujolais Neuvo? Wow, I think I'll enjoy that tonight.
NILES
But I was just about to buy that.
KEVIN
Not a problem, get another one.
NILES
That's the last one.
KEVIN
Then you're having a bit of hard luck aren't you?
FRASIER
Now just you see here, we are not about to be intimidated by you two. Now give back the bottle, leave us alone and we will forget this whole matter.
NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO BREATHE VERY DEEPLY
NICK
Wow! Let me think...No.
FRASIER
You're acting like children and I will not participate in such juvenile activities.
NILES
Stand back Frasier, I have an idea. That's it, you've woken a raging ball of fire.
NILES STRIKES A POSE FROM HIS KICK BOXING LESSONS
KEVIN
What the hell is this?
NILES
Prepare to meet my feet of fury.
KEVIN AND NICK BOTH START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
FRASIER
Niles what are you doing?
NILES
I'm frightening them.
FRASIER
You're frightening me.
NILES
I'm frightening myself.
KEVIN
See you later ladies.
NICK AND KEVIN START TO WALK AWAY
NILES
Don't you dare walk away from me.
FRASIER
Niles just leave it.
NILES
I have been bullied my whole life, but this is it. No more, stand back.
NILES DOES A ROUND-HOUSE KICK BUT COMPLETELY MISSES KEVIN AND NICK AND INSTEAD KICKS A STAND FULL OF BOTTLES OF WINE. THEY ALL COME CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND SMASH
FRASIER
What's your big plan now?
NILES
Quick run!
NILES AND FRASIER RUN AND EXIT FROM THE STORE
CLERK
Come back here! I'm calling the Police.
AS THE CLERK CHASES AFTER THEM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
TITLE CARD: 'SMALL TIME CROOKS'
FADE IN:
INT. PRISON CELL — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Officer, Martin, Daphne)
FRASIER AND NILES ARE LOCKED IN A CELL AT THE VERY END OF A CORRIDOR. APART FROM THE GRAFFITI ON THE WALL, ALL THAT THE CELL CONTAINS IS A TOILET AND A VERY GRUBBY LOOKING BED. THEIR TIES AND BELTS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF THEM, AS WELL AS NILES' SUSPENDERS, RESULTING IN HIM HAVING A BATTLE TO HOLD HIS TROUSERS UP. THEY ARE HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, NILES' RIGHT ARM TO FRASIER'S LEFT. NILES STANDS ON THE BED CLINGING TO THE BARS AS FRASIER STRETCHES ACROSS THE ROOM
FRASIER
I can't reach it.
NILES
Of course you can. Stretch your leg out further.
FRASIER
If I stretch out any further I'll be one slip away from being a woman resulting in never being able to have any more children. And who am I to deny the world, future generations with my superior genes?
NILES
Oh like you're going to end up in a situation where that's even a remote possibility. You can't find a woman to have a drink with let alone procreate with.
FRASIER
Do you want me to kill the spider or not? I won't hesitate in picking it up and putting it down your neck.
NILES
You wouldn't dare. Now please squish it.
FRASIER
Then get down off the bed and stop acting like a little girl.
NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE BED AND THEY MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE CELL WHERE FRASIER STAMPS HIS FOOT DOWN
NILES
You missed, it's coming this way.
NILES JUMPS BACK UP ON TO THE BED AND CLINGS TO THE BARS PULLING FRASIER ALONG WITH HIM
FRASIER
Will you stop doing that! Have you forgotten everywhere that you go I have to go as well?
NILES
Like I could forget, it's like having a piece of dead wood attached to my arm.
FRASIER
Don't get snippy with me, this is all your fault.
NILES
Will you stop saying that! I've lost out the most from this. After all this is preventing me from having sex tonight not you.
FRASIER
Oh what's your problem, you have sex every night. To miss it once won't kill you.
NILES
You know it sounds even better when someone else says it. And why did they have to take my suspenders off me? If I bend down to pick up my trousers once more I'm going to pull a muscle.
FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE BED, NILES DECIDES TO DO THE SAME UNTIL HE NOTICES A SERIES OF BROWN STAINS ON THE BED. HE THEN TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND PLACES IT ON THE BED
FRASIER
And where is Dad anyway? I thought he'd have been here by now to bail us out. Niles what are you doing?
NILES
This is Armani, I'm not going to sit down without something between my suit and these lovely brown stains.
FRASIER
You're obsessed you know that?
NILES
Well I'm sorry, but how do we know what that is. We're in prison not the Ritz it could be anything, and I can tell you one thing it's not sherry.
AN OFFICER WALKS PAST THE CELL
FRASIER
It's just a brown stain.
NILES APPROACHES THE OFFICER RESULTING IN BOTH THEIR ARMS BEING STRETCHED TO THE MAXIMUM
NILES
I don't care. Oh excuse me officer
AS THE OFFICER STOPS NILES LOOSES HIS GRIP ON HIS TROUSERS AND THEY FALL TO HIS ANKLES
OFFICER
Is this some sort of bribe?
NILES PICKS HIS TROUSERS BACK UP AGAIN
NILES
No, don't you have any cleaner cells for selected social elite guests?
OFFICER
Yeah sure, we have the royal suite. Just let me remove the tarnish off all the silver and we'll move you right in there.
NILES
Are you being sarcastic?
OFFICER
Maybe.
THE OFFICER EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND NILES BEGINS TO PACE UP AND DOWN THE CELL, CAUSING FRASIER ARM TO WAVE BACK AND FORTH AS HE TAKES IT WITH HIM
FRASIER
Niles will you shut up. If they bring anyone else in here, the moment they hear you talking like this, they'll have you for breakfast.
NILES
I don't intend to be in here that long.
FRASIER
You may have a swimmers build but there is little to no chance that you'll fit through those bars, especially when I'm attached to you at the wrist.
NILES
We could use a spoon to dig our way out.
FRASIER
You won't even dig a houseplant.
NILES
That's because my freedom was never in doubt with a houseplant.
FRASIER
Stop over reacting, Dad will be here soon. And will you sit down! My arms swaying so much I feel like I'm conducting an orchestra.
NILES STANDS STILL
NILES
Uh-oh.
FRASIER
Uh-oh what?
NILES
Frasier I need to use the bathroom.
FRASIER
Oh all right. No, wait.
FRASIER STANDS AND THEN SITS BACK DOWN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
You're right handed aren't you?
NILES
Yes.
FRASIER
No chance.
NILES
What does that mean 'no chance'?
FRASIER
You're right handed, try to figure it out.
NILES
So?
FRASIER
Your right hand is handcuffed to my left hand and that's far too close for comfort.
NILES
Oh come on Frasier.
FRASIER
No! We may be in prison but once you start down that path, there is no turning back.
NILES
Well what do you expect me to do?
FRASIER
Hold it.
NILES
Oh and that's not going to draw attention from the other inmates. Why don't I just lather myself up with baby oil and squeeze into a leopard skin thong?
FRASIER
Oh dear God, I'm going to be having nightmares tonight.
ENTER MARTIN NOT LOOKING AT ALL PLEASED ABOUT THIS SITUATION
MARTIN
Well I don't think I've ever been prouder. My two boys handcuffed together, locked in the same cell in my old precinct. God, why didn't you just hit me with a thunder bolt?
FRASIER
Thankyou so much for your support.
ENTER DAPHNE WHO RUSHES TO THE BARS
DAPHNE
Oh my God, Niles.
NILES
Daphne!
NILES TRIES TO RUN TO DAPHNE BUT AS FRASIER IS STILL SITTING AND NOT INTERESTED IN MOVING, NILES IS PULLED BACK AND SENT SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR
FRASIER
If you wanted to go over there, why didn't you just ask instead of trying to pull my arm out of it's socket?
NILES
Frasier I want to go over there.
FRASIER
Say please.
NILES
Excuse me?
FRASIER
You're the one that got us arrested!
NILES
Pretty please Frasier.
MARTIN
Dear God I hope none of the boys are watching this.
FRASIER GETS UP AND THEY BOTH WALK TO THE BARS. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY PUTS HER ARMS THROUGH THE BARS AND GRABS NILES BEFORE KISSING HIM
DAPHNE
What happened? Are you all right?
NILES
I'm fine. We were arrested.
MARTIN
Really? Well that's coming as a huge surprise because I'd never have guessed. I thought you were here to get ballet lessons.
FRASIER
Are you going to bail us out or are we to take permanent residence here?
MARTIN
They know we're here, but there's a bit of a backlog. That's why they've let us down here while we wait. Now what the hell happened?
FRASIER
We'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same with you.
MARTIN
Well I'm sorry for being rude, but when I'm called down here to bail you two out I think I'm entitled to an explanation.
DAPHNE
Are you sure you're all right? You look all hot and dirty.
THEY KISS
NILES
I am and the handcuffs are starting to chafe my wrists a little. And they tried to strip search me. I've never felt so violated in my life.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
Oh my poor baby, I'll make you feel all better later.
THEY KISS
FRASIER
Will you two spare me the foreplay?
MARTIN
Now what happened?
NILES JUMPS AND TRIES TO GET BACK ON THE BED
NILES
Oh my God the spiders back. Get it, get it. Never mind it's just a piece of lint.
MARTIN
(TO DAPHNE) He was dropped on his head as a child.
DAPHNE
Can we get to the point sometime soon?
FRASIER
I was just about to, before Little Miss Muffet here started shrieking. We were in Mario's buying some wine, when the bullies showed up again. They took the last bottle that we wanted, so I decided to confront them like a rational adult and get them to see reason and give it back.
MARTIN
That's not an arrestable offence.
FRASIER
Just as I could see hope on the horizon and my words were breaking through, Hong Kong Phooey here, suddenly decides now is the time to become a man and give them a good kicking.
DAPHNE
You're in here for GBH?
NILES
No, I missed.
FRASIER
That's right, he missed the men and instead attacked a rack full of Dom Perignon at five hundred dollars a bottle no less.
NILES
So we ran.
FRASIER
Until a group of little old ladies heard the store clerk yelling and tackled us to the ground.
MARTIN
And I'm already so proud of this story.
ENTER OFFICER
OFFICER
Hey Marty, we're ready.
MARTIN
I'll be right there. Come on Daphne.
EXIT OFFICER AS DAPHNE KISSES NILES
NILES
Thanks Dad.
EXIT MARTIN AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
Of course you know we still haven't resolved this situation. It's just going to get worse after this latest incident. It won't be long before we'll be running out of Nervosa with the fire extinguisher down our trousers.
NILES
Then what exactly to we do? I've used my only option, and my feet of fury failed me at the last moment.
FRASIER
Did you notice how that one guy shares an uncanny resemblance to Nick Owen, from prep school?
NILES
I can't say I noticed. My vision was distorted by my burning rage.
FRASIER
Daphne can't hear you now, so you can stop trying to impress. If that was Nick from school, I think I have a plan.
AS FRASIER STARTS TO TELL NILES HIS IDEA WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Jack, Hank, George, Nick, Kevin)
FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE MARTIN AND ROZ SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE NEAREST THE WINDOW. ROZ IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY
FRASIER
It's not funny.
ROZ
Are you kidding! I can't imagine you two doilies in prison.
NILES
Will you keep your voice down, we're hoping no one will find out about this.
MARTIN
You're not the only one.
DAPHNE
In that case then I probably shouldn't have told me mother. But on the upside all of me brothers are suddenly very proud of you.
JACK ENTERS, A YOUNG MAN WITH AN INCREDIBLE BODY
ROZ
Oh my God he's here.
MARTIN
Who?
ROZ
That body builder from across the street, Jack. I happened to bump into him while I was hanging around on his apartment floor.
FRASIER
Something tells me that, it won't be the only time that you'll bump into him.
NILES
Some people may call that stalking.
ROZ
Some people may call you a man. So anyway I invited him down here to have coffee.
ROZ WALKS OVER TO JACK AND THEY SIT BY THE COUNTER
DAPHNE
He is pretty I'll give her that.
NILES LOOKS OVER AT JACK, JEALOUSY IN HIS EYES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh don't pull that face, it was only a comment, I'm not going to sling shot me knickers at him.
NILES
Yes, you can just leave that to Roz.
MARTIN
What was that prison movie when they dug a tunnel?
DAPHNE
The Great Escape.
MARTIN
Yeah, but that was a concentration camp not a prison.
DAPHNE
What's the difference?
MARTIN
Several hundred Nazi's to begin with.
DAPHNE
Not if you're in Germany.
MARTIN
The ideal vacation spot.
FRASIER
Escape from Alcatraz had a tunnel.
DAPHNE
I think they drug that with a spoon.
NILES
See I told you it wasn't such a stupid idea.
MARTIN
You won't even dig a houseplant let alone a tunnel.
NILES
I'm beginning to realise that, yes.
FRASIER LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW
FRASIER
Niles don't look now the bullies are here.
THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I said don't look.
MARTIN
But only to Niles.
DAPHNE
Where?
MARTIN
You mean those little girls playing jump rope?
NILES
No the big men who have just kicked that pigeon.
MARTIN
Well don't get in a tizzy about it.
FRASIER
That's right there's no need. We have Roz's body building friend over there if anything happens.
DAPHNE
Who are those Gents with them?
MARTIN
Hey I know those guys, I drink down at McGinty's with them. Hank and George I think. I wonder what they're doing with your bully friends.
FRASIER
This is where we see if our plan has worked.
MARTIN
What plan?
NILES
Wait and see.
ENTER HANK, GEORGE, NICK AND KEVIN
HANK
Now where are they?
KEVIN
Over here.
FROM THIS MOMENT NICK AND KEVIN STARE AT THEIR SHOES LIKE A COUPLE OF NAUGHTY SCHOOL CHILDREN
GEORGE
Oh yes now I remember. Hey Martin right? From McGinty's?
MARTIN
That's right. Hi, how you doing.
MARTIN SUDDENLY REALISES THAT FRASIER AND NILES TOLD THEIR DAD'S AND GOES RED FROM THE EMBARRASSMENT
HANK
Now these are the boys?
NICK
Yes.
HANK
Haven't you got something that you want to say?
THERE IS A LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK SMACKING KEVIN AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD
KEVIN
I'm sorry, I picked on you. I was mean and it'll never happen again.
HANK
Anything else?
THERE IS ANOTHER LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK GRABBING HOLD OF KEVIN'S EAR AND TWISTING IT
KEVIN
Ow! Dad stop it. Here's your change from your coffees.
KEVIN GIVES NILES BACK HIS CHANGE
HANK
That's a good boy.
GEORGE
And you haven't you got anything to say?
NICK
Sorry.
FRASIER
Apologises excepted.
HANK
Now we don't want anymore trouble out of you two. You leave these boys alone from now on, do you here me?
KEVIN
Yes Sir.
NICK
Yes Sir.
GEORGE
Sorry about this Martin. Kids huh!
MARTIN
Tell me about it. Some times they do something so embarrassing, you just want to string them up in a potato sack and beat them with a stick.
HANK
Bye.
HANK AND GEORGE EXIT
NICK
I can't believe you told our Dad's on us!
KEVIN
If he weren't going to take my Sea Hawks tickets off me I'd beat you into the ground.
VERY COCKILY NILES AND FRASIER GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND STAND IN FRONT OF NICK AND KEVIN, OCCASIONALLY KNOCKING THEIR TIES
FRASIER
But you can't touch us!
NILES
Yes what are you going to do now, big bully boys?
NICK
We can't touch you, but it doesn't mean someone else can't.
FRASIER
Ooh now I'm really scared.
KEVIN
Jack come here.
JACK
Excuse me Roz, I have to go and deal with a bit of business.
JACK, WHO TOWERS OVER FRASIER AND NILES, GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND STANDS WITH NICK AND KEVIN
JACK (CONT'D)
Are these the guys who told on you?
NICK
That would be them.
FRASIER
Ah yes indeed we did tell on them, but in the nicest possible way.
JACK
How about we step outside.
DAPHNE
Should we do something?
MARTIN
I'm an old man with a cane, what do you want from me?
DAPHNE
Have you got your cell phone so I can call a couple of ambulances?
MARTIN
That's not a bad idea, I may die from embarrassment.
NILES
My God Grandma what lovely big muscles you have. That was a joke. We're actually friends of Roz's over there. My brother works with her. But I can tell you're not actually interested. Which leaves me no other alternative.
FRASIER
Oh please Niles, not the feet of fury.
NILES
No, look your shoes untied.
JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SHOES
NILES (CONT'D)
Quick run.
FRASIER AND NILES RUN FROM NERVOSA FOLLOWED BY JACK, NICK AND KEVIN
MARTIN
Now I can add McGinty's to my list of places I can no longer go, like my old precinct and this place.
ROZ WALKS BACK OVER TO THEIR TABLE
ROZ
What the hell happened there?
DAPHNE
Don't ask.
ROZ
OK, anyone want another coffee?
AS ROZ GETS ANOTHER COFFEE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'FIGHT CLUB'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier)
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH OUT OF BREATH AND SWEATING
NILES
Lord knows how we managed to outrun him.
FRASIER
That little old lady that you pushed over and knocked into his path may have had something to do with it.
NILES
Oh she was fine.
FRASIER
Yes, other than needing a hip replacement.
NILES
She was smiling.
FRASIER
Rather her teeth were, but unfortunately they were on the sidewalk not in her mouth. Do you ever wonder why we always run from these situations?
NILES
Because I had visions of him sitting on top of me and banging my head repeatedly on the concrete. And I don't particularly want one side of my head flatter than the other thankyou very much.
FRASIER
I mean, this wouldn't have happened if we had stood up for ourselves at the very beginning.
NILES
That's the beauty of hindsight.
FRASIER
I still put it down to a fear of being punched. We're afraid to be hurt, so we run away from any situation that makes it a possibility.
NILES
That's an interesting theory.
FRASIER
I don't think we've ever actually been punched before.
NILES
Are you forgetting I attend kick boxing classes?
FRASIER
A seven thousand-dollar bill from that rack of wine you attacked, springs to mind, so I'll have to say no I haven't forgotten. But they never actually touch you in those classes.
NILES
Yes they do.
FRASIER
Niles, Daphne's told me about them, if you're not backing away up a wall, you're rolling up into a ball on the floor.
NILES
What's your point?
FRASIER
I think we need to get hit once, so we're not afraid anymore.
FRASIER TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES
NILES
Excuse me?
FRASIER
Come on hit me.
NILES
I most certainly will not. I am a psychiatrist.
FRASIER
What does that have to do with anything? Now come on hit me.
NILES
No!
FRASIER MAKES A FIST AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES WHO IMMEDIATELY BACKS AWAY
FRASIER
Then I'll hit you first, then you'll have to hit me back.
NILES RUNS BEHIND THE COUCH
NILES
You stay away from me. Frasier I mean it. Don't make me unleash my feet of fury.
FRASIER
You can't even unleash Eddie. Now come here, let me hit you. Just on the side of the head, where no one will see it.
NILES
No, I have delicate features, my head will crack like a porcelain doll hitting the sidewalk.
FRASIER
It'll be beneficial.
NILES
Of course it will, I don't use my health plan nearly enough. And look at how long your nails are. They'll scratch my face to pieces.
FRASIER
Won't it make Daphne proud of her man to see him with a scar?
NILES
You had me right up until scar.
FRASIER
Niles, just come here.
NILES
I'm warning you, I'll sue.
FRASIER
I'm not going to batter you to death, just punch you once in the head.
NILES
And that's supposed to convince me to let you do it?
FRASIER
Just come here.
NILES RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY FRASIER STILL MAKING A FIST
NILES
(OFF STAGE) No! Frasier, back away. Frasier!
ALL GOES QUIET AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SIT AT THE TABLE WITH BAGS OF FROZEN VEGETABLES COVERING ONE OF THEIR EYES. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND LIFTS UP BOTH BAGS TO HAVE A LOOK, TO REVEAL THAT THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK EYES.
