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Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eighteen
Big Trouble In Little Nervosa

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'HOLD ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Kevin, Nick)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT NEAR THE COUNTER DRINKING THEIR COFFEE DURING WHICH NILES KEEPS STRETCHING OUT HIS ARM AND RUBBING HIS ELBOW

FRASIER

What's wrong with your elbow? Bursitis? Or have you been conducting your stereo rather violently again? Remember last time you were only inches away from setting fire to your fainting couch with that air borne candle. Not to mention and more importantly one would think, setting fire to Daphne.

NILES

To this day the smell of burning hair puts me in a romantic mood. Anyway no, I fell out of bed last night and landed on it.

FRASIER

You fell out of bed? Please don't tell me that you're that desperate to recapture your youth that you've actually purchased a bunk bed. This can only end in disaster. You're the only man I know who can loose control of his hand and eye co-ordination while climbing a ladder.

NILES

I fell out of Daphne's bed.

FRASIER

You're forty-two years old for goodness sake, what were you doing to fall out of bed?

NILES

Trust me you'll sleep easier with Daphne and I in the next room if you don't know.

FRASIER

Fair enough.

ENTER ROZ WHO JOINS THEM AT THEIR TABLE

ROZ

Hi guys. So, Niles how's the elbow, you wildcat?

NILES

How do you know about that?

ROZ

Who do you think gave her the idea in the first place? I'll give you a clue it wasn't Eddie or her mother.

NILES

In that case this coffee's on me. Is there anything else you'd like? Six months rent paid, a BMW, a big screen TV?

FRASIER ROLLS HIS EYES

FRASIER

As well as the enema he's currently giving you. Spare me, I don't want to know.

ROZ

Hey Frasier how are things going with Kim?

FRASIER

God only knows.

ROZ

That bad huh?

FRASIER

I mean that quite literally. God only knows. You see Kim has discovered her religious side.

NILES

That's not a bad thing. You should begin to worry when she discovers her schizophrenic, knife welding side.

FRASIER

Had another break though with one of your patients?

NILES

Yes and now she's been committed, is on the waiting list for a lobotomy and undergoes electro-shock therapy six nights a week. A job well done. Now on to your date.

FRASIER

Niles after one night with me, Kim decided to take a vow of chastity and become a Nun. Sorry make that sister Kimberly. I repel more women than that man up on fifth who displays his kidney in a mayonnaise jar. What is wrong with me?

ROZ

I'd love to answer that question in detail Frasier but I have to pick Alice up in about four hours.

FRASIER

Why don't I just admit it, I'll never have sex again. I should just have let Lilith cut it off and pickle it during the divorce for all the use I get from it. I might as well shave my head and join a monastery.

ROZ

Oh come on Frasier it won't come to that.

FRASIER

Do you really think so?

NILES

Of course, there'll be no need to shave your head, nature seems to have taken care of that for you.

ROZ

Anyway you can't tell me that Monk's don't get any.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

ROZ

I just don't buy into this whole celibacy thing.

FRASIER

We've noticed Roz. You've gone out of your way to make sure that the one thing people can't call you is celibate.

NILES

Are you telling us that you've, you know, with a, you know?

FRASIER

Hopefully you'll be able to crack that cryptic code.

ROZ

No I haven't. In my opinion brown potato sacks and bowl haircuts aren't the biggest turn on. I'm more of your g-string wearing fireman kind of girl.

NILES

Shucks Frasier, we're both out of luck.

FRASIER

We don't need the image. Then what are you talking about?

ROZ

Are you telling me that they don't organise little booty call field trips?

FRASIER

No! Of course not.

ROZ

Why else are Monk's sworn to a vow of silence if they weren't trying to cover something up?

NILES

Because they're men of the cloth!

ROZ

You're living in a dream world.

NILES

You're living in a porn world.

KEVIN AND NICK ENTER AND ORDER A COFFEE. BOTH ARE RATHER LARGE MEN AND EXTREMELY WELL DRESSED. THERE IS NO WHERE TO SIT SO THEY STAND AT THE COUNTER

ROZ

It's a natural urge. Why else do you see so many Nuns with chipped teeth?

NILES

Well maybe they drill.

ROZ

Oh they drill all right. Bye boys.

ROZ EXITS WITH HER COFFEE

FRASIER

I've forgotten what we were even talking about.

NILES

Your pathetic love life.

FRASIER

Thanks for the reminder, the depression had almost left my system for a moment there, but now its back with vengeance and brought with it a overwhelming sense of foreboding.

NILES

You're my brother, you're always welcome.

KEVIN AND NICK APPROACH THEIR TABLE

NICK

Have you guys finished with your table?

FRASIER

No not yet.

KEVIN

But you've drunk your coffee.

FRASIER

But we were just about to order another.

NICK

That's right, you were, now you're not. So off you go.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

KEVIN

You heard him point dexter, beat it. And take your girlfriend here with you.

NILES

Are you referring to me?

KEVIN

Hey you've got something on your shirt there.

NILES

Where?

THE MOMENT NILES LOOKS DOWN TO SEE WHAT'S ON HIS SHIRT, KEVIN FLICKS THE END OF HIS NOSE

NILES (CONT'D)

Did you just flick me?

KEVIN

Yes, do you want me to do it again?

NILES FLINCHES AWAY FROM HIM

NILES

No.

FRASIER

This is ridiculous. We are sitting here end of story. Find yourself another table.

NICK

Maybe you didn't hear us. Beat it.

CLEARLY INTIMIDATED, FRASIER AND NILES GET OUT OF THEIR SEATS AND MOVE INTO THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA AS KEVIN AND NICK SIT DOWN

NILES

Frasier this is crazy, I'm not about to be bullied by these ruffians. I'm a grown man for heavens sake.

FRASIER

Well what are we going to do, flick them back?

NILES

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to walk back over there, stand tall, proud, ask for my briefcase back and then run like hell out of that door.

FRASIER

Oh and that will resolve the situation, by them seeing you run like some sort of demented chicken in heat.

NILES

You're the one who encouraged me to jump out of the window.

FRASIER

You were getting on my nerves, I just wanted to see you proved wrong.

NILES

And my getting a nearly full body cast would achieve that?

NICK

Are you two still here?

KEVIN

Are you just sticking around waiting for us to give you both a wedgey? Because if that's the case I don't mind indulging you.

NILES WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE AND BENDS DOWN TO GET HIS BRIEFCASE

NILES

I just want to get my briefcase.

KEVIN MAKES A SUDDEN GESTURE TOWARDS NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY, HOLDING ON TIGHT TO HIS TROUSERS

NILES (CONT'D)

You stay away from my underwear.

THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER NILES' CHANGE AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE

WAITRESS

Here's your change Sir.

KEVIN TAKES THE CHANGE AND PUT IT IN HIS POCKET

NILES

Actually that's mine. Never mind.

NICK PRETENDS TO LUNGE AT THEM WHICH CAUSES THEM BOTH TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Eddie)

DAPHNE RUSHES TO PUT HER KEY IN THE DOOR AS ROZ IMPATIENTLY JUMPS AROUND BESIDE HER

ROZ

Quick Daphne get that door open.

DAPHNE

OK quick go.

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ RUSHES IN AS MARTIN AND EDDIE APPEAR FROM AROUND THE CORNER

MARTIN

Hi, what's wrong with Roz? She need the bathroom?

DAPHNE, MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SITS LOOKING THROUGH THE TELESCOPE AS MARTIN TAKES OFF EDDIE'S LEAD

DAPHNE

No, just the telescope.

ROZ

Just in time, he's on the treadmill.

MARTIN

Who's this?

ROZ

A body builder across the street with a pair of buns you could crack a walnut on.

MARTIN

You're spying on a body builder?

ROZ

I am not spying. If he's stupid enough to leave the blinds open when he's taking a shower it's his problem and my entertainment.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Oh dear God Roz not again.

ROZ

Oh what harm does it do?

FRASIER

Eventually it'll send you blind.

ROZ

Well you must look more than I do, because I didn't think he was big enough to reach all the way over here. But then again you did need a hobby.

MARTIN

What are you doing home so early anyway?

FRASIER

There was a little incident in Nervosa.

ROZ

What incident?

NILES, WHO HAS BEEN LYING UNDER THE PIANO THE ENTIRE TIME, SHUFFLES FORWARD SO THAT HE IS IN VIEW FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHILE REMAINING IN THE SAFE ENVIRONMENT UNDER THE PIANO

NILES

We were bullied.

MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO WORK OUT WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM

MARTIN

Where did that come from?

DAPHNE SEES HIM AND KNEELS DOWN BESIDE THE PIANO

DAPHNE

Oh Niles what are you doing under there?

NILES

It's safe under here.

ROZ

Oh my God, could you be anymore pathetic?

MARTIN

What happened?

FRASIER

A couple of guys, took our table and made us leave.

MARTIN

For God's sake your men not mice, why didn't you stand up for yourselves?

NILES

I tried to but he flicked my nose.

DAPHNE

Come on honey, out you come.

NILES

No, you come under here. I'll protect you from the dust bunnies. Except for that one, it seems to have some sort of wasp inside of it.

MARTIN

So they flicked and intimidated you and you just took it?

FRASIER

They took Niles' change from the coffee as well.

ROZ

So?

NILES

That was my lunch money.

DAPHNE

Oh honey come here.

DAPHNE CRAWLS UNDER THE PIANO AND HUGS HIM

MARTIN

So you just ran out of there with your tails between your legs.

NILES

Well Frasier ran first.

FRASIER

I was only trying to get out of your way before you knocked me to the ground and trampled my head into the floorboards.

NILES

You're just in shock, you can still see the fear in your eyes.

FRASIER

That's because my brother is lying under a piano.

ROZ

Ooh he's got a friend.

DAPHNE GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO AND RUSHES TO LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

DAPHNE

Let me look. My God he's as fit if not fitter than the other one. What do they put in the water over there?

ROZ

I don't know but you can be pretty sure they don't put the same thing in the water over here.

NILES

Should I be concerned that you've just abandoned me in my time of crisis to gawk at some body builder over the road?

DAPHNE

If you like.

ROZ

I think I've died and gone to hunk heaven.

DAPHNE

Oh dear Roz, I don't want to burst your bubble but…

ROZ

But what?

DAPHNE

I'm pretty sure they're not just good friends.

DAPHNE MOVES AWAY FROM THE TELESCOPE AND SITS ON THE COUCH SO THAT ROZ CAN LOOK

ROZ

Let me look. Oh God, just when it looks as if I've got a promising relationship on the horizon, something just has to screw it up, like him being gay.

MARTIN

Are you sure he is?

ROZ

If he's not, that guy owes him a big apology.

FRASIER

And how was this a promising relationship, you spying on him through a telescope?

ROZ

We all have to start somewhere. And I like to start with seeing the other person naked first.

NILES

Have you ever considered seeking professional help?

ROZ

I'm not the grown man who's just been bullied and is now hiding under a piano.

NILES CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO

NILES

Fine, out I come. Are you happy now?

FRASIER

Well it looks as if we'll have to find ourselves a new place to meet in the afternoon.

NILES

It's not that easy just to move on.

ROZ

Crisis averted, I was just looking in the wrong window. My God how many muscle men live over there? I bet they have to include their chest measurements on their application forms.

MARTIN

Are you boys telling me that you're not going to go back to Nervosa because of these two?

FRASIER

I was thinking about it.

MARTIN

For God's sake grow a backbone, don't be intimidated by them. I thought we'd got past this after your run in with Derek Man.

FRASIER

And I have. Niles we are not going to be intimidated anymore.

NILES

We're not?

FRASIER

No we're not. We are not teenagers anymore, although at the moment you're acting like one. We are doctors and we will not be bullied.

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SUDDENLY PUFF THEIR CHESTS OUT AND STRUT AROUND THE ROOM

NILES

Suddenly I'm feeling a surge of testosterone. I have the uncontrollable urge to grab my crotch and spit on the carpet.

ROZ

I think I saw this scene in 'Grease'.

DAPHNE

I think you mean 'La Cage Aux Folles.'

FRASIER

I say we go back to Nervosa and we mark our territory.

NILES

Are you talking about urinating out doors? We may be men but we are not on a day release from prison.

FRASIER

I mean we make it known that, that place is our hangout and if they've got a problem with that, they know what they can do.

NILES

What's that?

FRASIER

Stick it in their pipe and smoke it. Because we're not afraid of anything.

NILES

Except insects.

FRASIER GLARES AT NILES

NILES (CONT'D)

No we're not afraid of anything. And to prove it I might even get a tattoo on my chest, something really butch to let people know that I'm not to be messed with.

ROZ

Like 'mother' maybe?

NILES

Something like 'If you can read this I'm about to kick your butt.

FRASIER

That's right because we're really tough. Killing a grizzly bear with our bare hands kind of tough.

NILES

Crushing beer cans on your forehead kind of tough.

MARTIN

You struggle to open one without breaking a nail.

FRASIER

Right are you ready to go back to Nervosa?

NILES

No, they might still be down there.

NILES CURLS UP IN A BALL ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON DAPHNE'S LAP

FRASIER

That's a good point. They might hurt us.

MARTIN

I give up with you two. I've seen bank robbing old ladies in electric wheelchairs put up a bigger fight then you two. Unless you stand up for yourselves this is going to continue to happen for the rest of your lives. And when you're in a retirement home and being tripped up with your own cane's by the bullies in the next room who have just stolen your teeth, I won't be there to reassure and comfort you.

FRASIER

When have you reassured or comforted us once today?

MARTIN

I asked you what happened didn't I?

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE STARTS TO STROKE NILES' HAIR

DAPHNE

Right now babe, let's try to cheer you up. Would you like some dinner?

NILES SHAKES HIS HEAD NO

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Would you like a sherry?

NILES AGAIN SHAKES HIS HEAD NO

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Some ice-cream?

NILES LIFTS HIS HEAD

NILES

With chocolate sprinkles?

DAPHNE

I think I even have some cherries.

NILES

They're not the waxy sprinkles are they, because I don't like them?

DAPHNE

It's a pity really, you should have held out longer, me next suggestion was going to be an afternoon of heart-pounding, neighbours calling the Police, illegal in a hundred different countries and punishable by execution kind of sex, but ice-cream is a much better suggestion.

NILES

And you have a problem with doing both?

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

If she mothered him anymore that relationship could almost pass as incest.

ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE TELESCOPE

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh my God he dropped his towel!

SHE JUMPS AS SHE SAYS THIS AND KNOCKS THE TELESCOPE WHICH JOLTS AND HITS HER IN THE EYE

FRASIER

Now that serves you right. I told you it would send you blind. And I now have a lovely cornea on the end of my telescope.

FRASIER LOOKS THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

But at least now I'll be able to view the world through Roz's eyes. Is everyone normally naked?

AS ROZ SLAPS HIM AROUND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. MARIO'S WINE CELLAR — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Nick, Kevin, Clerk)

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN A WINE CELLAR SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF BOTTLES OF WINE, LOOKING TO PURCHASE THE PERFECT BOTTLE TO ACCOMPANY THEIR DINNER

NILES

This is a nice little Beaujolais Neuvo.

FRASIER

Maybe for dinner tonight.

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS HIS PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Hi Dad. You're out of beer? Well what about that emergency can that you keep in the toilet cistern? The vegetable crisper? The storage space? The terrace? My God man how do you still have a working liver? I'm not going to the liquor store. We're buying wine. We can't buy beer here. I don't think they even sell beer here.

NILES

I think they have a few cans in the gag basket.

FRASIER

I'm not putting my hand in there.

NILES

There isn't a crocodile in there waiting to snap it off.

FRASIER

But someone might see me.

NILES

It's in the back of the store.

FRASIER

Haven't you ever heard of security cameras or a real person serving you at the cashier desk instead of an android?

NILES

My God Frasier it's not a crime.

FRASIER

Then you buy him a six pack.

NILES

I most certainly will not. I have a reputation in this town.

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) I'm not getting you any from here Dad. Oh all right, Dad, I'll stop by the liquor store.

FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now back to the wine. I saw a lovely little…

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh for heavens sake.

NILES TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND ANSWERS IT

NILES

(OH PHONE) Hello? Daphne my love, what can I do for you? I'm out selecting a wine with Frasier. You're at the Montana? I thought we were dinning with Dad and Frasier tonight. Oh really?

A HUGE GRIN SUDDENLY CREEPS ACROSS NILES' FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

(ON PHONE) Suddenly I'm no longer hungry. What do you want cookie dough for? Well that does sound…

NILES MOUTH SUDDENLY DROPS OPEN AT THE SAME TIME AS HE LOOSES HIS GRIP ON THE WINE BOTTLE HE WAS HOLDING CAUSING IT TO SMASH AROUND HIS FEET

NILES (CONT'D)

(ON PHONE) That does...arouse...certain possibilities.

FRASIER

Niles, we're supposed to be purchasing some wine, not having phone sex. Give it to me.

FRASIER TAKES THE PHONE AND IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT AS HE LISTENS

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) Daphne, its Dr. Crane.

DAPHNE

(OVER THE PHONE SHE SHOUTS) Oh my God.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND HANDS IT BACK TO NILES

FRASIER

She's a little embarrassed but she says she'll see you later. Now finally to the wine.

NICK AND KEVIN ENTER

NILES

Oh my God Frasier, quick hide, it's the bullies.

FRASIER

I'm not going to hide. Have you forgotten our discussion yesterday? We are going to stand up for ourselves.

NILES

Yes but that's when I was pumped with testosterone and adrenaline. I'm currently pumped with something that could almost be described as cowardly, cowardly custard.

FRASIER

What happened to the Niles who was going to grab hold of his crotch and spit on the floor?

NILES

He was arrested for indecent exposure and left me in his place. And I say let's run, run far, run fast.

FRASIER

Niles don't be ridiculous. We are not going to run like children. They're coming, quick hide.

NICK

Well lookie who we have here.

KEVIN

Where did you ladies run off to yesterday?

NILES

We had an appointment.

NICK

Where?

KEVIN

At the gynaecologists?

NICK

What have you got there?

KEVIN TAKES THE BOTTLE OFF NILES

KEVIN

Beaujolais Neuvo? Wow, I think I'll enjoy that tonight.

NILES

But I was just about to buy that.

KEVIN

Not a problem, get another one.

NILES

That's the last one.

KEVIN

Then you're having a bit of hard luck aren't you?

FRASIER

Now just you see here, we are not about to be intimidated by you two. Now give back the bottle, leave us alone and we will forget this whole matter.

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO BREATHE VERY DEEPLY

NICK

Wow! Let me think...No.

FRASIER

You're acting like children and I will not participate in such juvenile activities.

NILES

Stand back Frasier, I have an idea. That's it, you've woken a raging ball of fire.

NILES STRIKES A POSE FROM HIS KICK BOXING LESSONS

KEVIN

What the hell is this?

NILES

Prepare to meet my feet of fury.

KEVIN AND NICK BOTH START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY

FRASIER

Niles what are you doing?

NILES

I'm frightening them.

FRASIER

You're frightening me.

NILES

I'm frightening myself.

KEVIN

See you later ladies.

NICK AND KEVIN START TO WALK AWAY

NILES

Don't you dare walk away from me.

FRASIER

Niles just leave it.

NILES

I have been bullied my whole life, but this is it. No more, stand back.

NILES DOES A ROUND-HOUSE KICK BUT COMPLETELY MISSES KEVIN AND NICK AND INSTEAD KICKS A STAND FULL OF BOTTLES OF WINE. THEY ALL COME CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND SMASH

FRASIER

What's your big plan now?

NILES

Quick run!

NILES AND FRASIER RUN AND EXIT FROM THE STORE

CLERK

Come back here! I'm calling the Police.

AS THE CLERK CHASES AFTER THEM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'SMALL TIME CROOKS'

FADE IN:

INT. PRISON CELL — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Officer, Martin, Daphne)

FRASIER AND NILES ARE LOCKED IN A CELL AT THE VERY END OF A CORRIDOR. APART FROM THE GRAFFITI ON THE WALL, ALL THAT THE CELL CONTAINS IS A TOILET AND A VERY GRUBBY LOOKING BED. THEIR TIES AND BELTS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF THEM, AS WELL AS NILES' SUSPENDERS, RESULTING IN HIM HAVING A BATTLE TO HOLD HIS TROUSERS UP. THEY ARE HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, NILES' RIGHT ARM TO FRASIER'S LEFT. NILES STANDS ON THE BED CLINGING TO THE BARS AS FRASIER STRETCHES ACROSS THE ROOM

FRASIER

I can't reach it.

NILES

Of course you can. Stretch your leg out further.

FRASIER

If I stretch out any further I'll be one slip away from being a woman resulting in never being able to have any more children. And who am I to deny the world, future generations with my superior genes?

NILES

Oh like you're going to end up in a situation where that's even a remote possibility. You can't find a woman to have a drink with let alone procreate with.

FRASIER

Do you want me to kill the spider or not? I won't hesitate in picking it up and putting it down your neck.

NILES

You wouldn't dare. Now please squish it.

FRASIER

Then get down off the bed and stop acting like a little girl.

NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE BED AND THEY MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE CELL WHERE FRASIER STAMPS HIS FOOT DOWN

NILES

You missed, it's coming this way.

NILES JUMPS BACK UP ON TO THE BED AND CLINGS TO THE BARS PULLING FRASIER ALONG WITH HIM

FRASIER

Will you stop doing that! Have you forgotten everywhere that you go I have to go as well?

NILES

Like I could forget, it's like having a piece of dead wood attached to my arm.

FRASIER

Don't get snippy with me, this is all your fault.

NILES

Will you stop saying that! I've lost out the most from this. After all this is preventing me from having sex tonight not you.

FRASIER

Oh what's your problem, you have sex every night. To miss it once won't kill you.

NILES

You know it sounds even better when someone else says it. And why did they have to take my suspenders off me? If I bend down to pick up my trousers once more I'm going to pull a muscle.

FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE BED, NILES DECIDES TO DO THE SAME UNTIL HE NOTICES A SERIES OF BROWN STAINS ON THE BED. HE THEN TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND PLACES IT ON THE BED

FRASIER

And where is Dad anyway? I thought he'd have been here by now to bail us out. Niles what are you doing?

NILES

This is Armani, I'm not going to sit down without something between my suit and these lovely brown stains.

FRASIER

You're obsessed you know that?

NILES

Well I'm sorry, but how do we know what that is. We're in prison not the Ritz it could be anything, and I can tell you one thing it's not sherry.

AN OFFICER WALKS PAST THE CELL

FRASIER

It's just a brown stain.

NILES APPROACHES THE OFFICER RESULTING IN BOTH THEIR ARMS BEING STRETCHED TO THE MAXIMUM

NILES

I don't care. Oh excuse me officer

AS THE OFFICER STOPS NILES LOOSES HIS GRIP ON HIS TROUSERS AND THEY FALL TO HIS ANKLES

OFFICER

Is this some sort of bribe?

NILES PICKS HIS TROUSERS BACK UP AGAIN

NILES

No, don't you have any cleaner cells for selected social elite guests?

OFFICER

Yeah sure, we have the royal suite. Just let me remove the tarnish off all the silver and we'll move you right in there.

NILES

Are you being sarcastic?

OFFICER

Maybe.

THE OFFICER EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND NILES BEGINS TO PACE UP AND DOWN THE CELL, CAUSING FRASIER ARM TO WAVE BACK AND FORTH AS HE TAKES IT WITH HIM

FRASIER

Niles will you shut up. If they bring anyone else in here, the moment they hear you talking like this, they'll have you for breakfast.

NILES

I don't intend to be in here that long.

FRASIER

You may have a swimmers build but there is little to no chance that you'll fit through those bars, especially when I'm attached to you at the wrist.

NILES

We could use a spoon to dig our way out.

FRASIER

You won't even dig a houseplant.

NILES

That's because my freedom was never in doubt with a houseplant.

FRASIER

Stop over reacting, Dad will be here soon. And will you sit down! My arms swaying so much I feel like I'm conducting an orchestra.

NILES STANDS STILL

NILES

Uh-oh.

FRASIER

Uh-oh what?

NILES

Frasier I need to use the bathroom.

FRASIER

Oh all right. No, wait.

FRASIER STANDS AND THEN SITS BACK DOWN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

You're right handed aren't you?

NILES

Yes.

FRASIER

No chance.

NILES

What does that mean 'no chance'?

FRASIER

You're right handed, try to figure it out.

NILES

So?

FRASIER

Your right hand is handcuffed to my left hand and that's far too close for comfort.

NILES

Oh come on Frasier.

FRASIER

No! We may be in prison but once you start down that path, there is no turning back.

NILES

Well what do you expect me to do?

FRASIER

Hold it.

NILES

Oh and that's not going to draw attention from the other inmates. Why don't I just lather myself up with baby oil and squeeze into a leopard skin thong?

FRASIER

Oh dear God, I'm going to be having nightmares tonight.

ENTER MARTIN NOT LOOKING AT ALL PLEASED ABOUT THIS SITUATION

MARTIN

Well I don't think I've ever been prouder. My two boys handcuffed together, locked in the same cell in my old precinct. God, why didn't you just hit me with a thunder bolt?

FRASIER

Thankyou so much for your support.

ENTER DAPHNE WHO RUSHES TO THE BARS

DAPHNE

Oh my God, Niles.

NILES

Daphne!

NILES TRIES TO RUN TO DAPHNE BUT AS FRASIER IS STILL SITTING AND NOT INTERESTED IN MOVING, NILES IS PULLED BACK AND SENT SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR

FRASIER

If you wanted to go over there, why didn't you just ask instead of trying to pull my arm out of it's socket?

NILES

Frasier I want to go over there.

FRASIER

Say please.

NILES

Excuse me?

FRASIER

You're the one that got us arrested!

NILES

Pretty please Frasier.

MARTIN

Dear God I hope none of the boys are watching this.

FRASIER GETS UP AND THEY BOTH WALK TO THE BARS. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY PUTS HER ARMS THROUGH THE BARS AND GRABS NILES BEFORE KISSING HIM

DAPHNE

What happened? Are you all right?

NILES

I'm fine. We were arrested.

MARTIN

Really? Well that's coming as a huge surprise because I'd never have guessed. I thought you were here to get ballet lessons.

FRASIER

Are you going to bail us out or are we to take permanent residence here?

MARTIN

They know we're here, but there's a bit of a backlog. That's why they've let us down here while we wait. Now what the hell happened?

FRASIER

We'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same with you.

MARTIN

Well I'm sorry for being rude, but when I'm called down here to bail you two out I think I'm entitled to an explanation.

DAPHNE

Are you sure you're all right? You look all hot and dirty.

THEY KISS

NILES

I am and the handcuffs are starting to chafe my wrists a little. And they tried to strip search me. I've never felt so violated in my life.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

Oh my poor baby, I'll make you feel all better later.

THEY KISS

FRASIER

Will you two spare me the foreplay?

MARTIN

Now what happened?

NILES JUMPS AND TRIES TO GET BACK ON THE BED

NILES

Oh my God the spiders back. Get it, get it. Never mind it's just a piece of lint.

MARTIN

(TO DAPHNE) He was dropped on his head as a child.

DAPHNE

Can we get to the point sometime soon?

FRASIER

I was just about to, before Little Miss Muffet here started shrieking. We were in Mario's buying some wine, when the bullies showed up again. They took the last bottle that we wanted, so I decided to confront them like a rational adult and get them to see reason and give it back.

MARTIN

That's not an arrestable offence.

FRASIER

Just as I could see hope on the horizon and my words were breaking through, Hong Kong Phooey here, suddenly decides now is the time to become a man and give them a good kicking.

DAPHNE

You're in here for GBH?

NILES

No, I missed.

FRASIER

That's right, he missed the men and instead attacked a rack full of Dom Perignon at five hundred dollars a bottle no less.

NILES

So we ran.

FRASIER

Until a group of little old ladies heard the store clerk yelling and tackled us to the ground.

MARTIN

And I'm already so proud of this story.

ENTER OFFICER

OFFICER

Hey Marty, we're ready.

MARTIN

I'll be right there. Come on Daphne.

EXIT OFFICER AS DAPHNE KISSES NILES

NILES

Thanks Dad.

EXIT MARTIN AND DAPHNE

FRASIER

Of course you know we still haven't resolved this situation. It's just going to get worse after this latest incident. It won't be long before we'll be running out of Nervosa with the fire extinguisher down our trousers.

NILES

Then what exactly to we do? I've used my only option, and my feet of fury failed me at the last moment.

FRASIER

Did you notice how that one guy shares an uncanny resemblance to Nick Owen, from prep school?

NILES

I can't say I noticed. My vision was distorted by my burning rage.

FRASIER

Daphne can't hear you now, so you can stop trying to impress. If that was Nick from school, I think I have a plan.

AS FRASIER STARTS TO TELL NILES HIS IDEA WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Jack, Hank, George, Nick, Kevin)

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE MARTIN AND ROZ SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE NEAREST THE WINDOW. ROZ IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY

FRASIER

It's not funny.

ROZ

Are you kidding! I can't imagine you two doilies in prison.

NILES

Will you keep your voice down, we're hoping no one will find out about this.

MARTIN

You're not the only one.

DAPHNE

In that case then I probably shouldn't have told me mother. But on the upside all of me brothers are suddenly very proud of you.

JACK ENTERS, A YOUNG MAN WITH AN INCREDIBLE BODY

ROZ

Oh my God he's here.

MARTIN

Who?

ROZ

That body builder from across the street, Jack. I happened to bump into him while I was hanging around on his apartment floor.

FRASIER

Something tells me that, it won't be the only time that you'll bump into him.

NILES

Some people may call that stalking.

ROZ

Some people may call you a man. So anyway I invited him down here to have coffee.

ROZ WALKS OVER TO JACK AND THEY SIT BY THE COUNTER

DAPHNE

He is pretty I'll give her that.

NILES LOOKS OVER AT JACK, JEALOUSY IN HIS EYES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh don't pull that face, it was only a comment, I'm not going to sling shot me knickers at him.

NILES

Yes, you can just leave that to Roz.

MARTIN

What was that prison movie when they dug a tunnel?

DAPHNE

The Great Escape.

MARTIN

Yeah, but that was a concentration camp not a prison.

DAPHNE

What's the difference?

MARTIN

Several hundred Nazi's to begin with.

DAPHNE

Not if you're in Germany.

MARTIN

The ideal vacation spot.

FRASIER

Escape from Alcatraz had a tunnel.

DAPHNE

I think they drug that with a spoon.

NILES

See I told you it wasn't such a stupid idea.

MARTIN

You won't even dig a houseplant let alone a tunnel.

NILES

I'm beginning to realise that, yes.

FRASIER LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW

FRASIER

Niles don't look now the bullies are here.

THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I said don't look.

MARTIN

But only to Niles.

DAPHNE

Where?

MARTIN

You mean those little girls playing jump rope?

NILES

No the big men who have just kicked that pigeon.

MARTIN

Well don't get in a tizzy about it.

FRASIER

That's right there's no need. We have Roz's body building friend over there if anything happens.

DAPHNE

Who are those Gents with them?

MARTIN

Hey I know those guys, I drink down at McGinty's with them. Hank and George I think. I wonder what they're doing with your bully friends.

FRASIER

This is where we see if our plan has worked.

MARTIN

What plan?

NILES

Wait and see.

ENTER HANK, GEORGE, NICK AND KEVIN

HANK

Now where are they?

KEVIN

Over here.

FROM THIS MOMENT NICK AND KEVIN STARE AT THEIR SHOES LIKE A COUPLE OF NAUGHTY SCHOOL CHILDREN

GEORGE

Oh yes now I remember. Hey Martin right? From McGinty's?

MARTIN

That's right. Hi, how you doing.

MARTIN SUDDENLY REALISES THAT FRASIER AND NILES TOLD THEIR DAD'S AND GOES RED FROM THE EMBARRASSMENT

HANK

Now these are the boys?

NICK

Yes.

HANK

Haven't you got something that you want to say?

THERE IS A LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK SMACKING KEVIN AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD

KEVIN

I'm sorry, I picked on you. I was mean and it'll never happen again.

HANK

Anything else?

THERE IS ANOTHER LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK GRABBING HOLD OF KEVIN'S EAR AND TWISTING IT

KEVIN

Ow! Dad stop it. Here's your change from your coffees.

KEVIN GIVES NILES BACK HIS CHANGE

HANK

That's a good boy.

GEORGE

And you haven't you got anything to say?

NICK

Sorry.

FRASIER

Apologises excepted.

HANK

Now we don't want anymore trouble out of you two. You leave these boys alone from now on, do you here me?

KEVIN

Yes Sir.

NICK

Yes Sir.

GEORGE

Sorry about this Martin. Kids huh!

MARTIN

Tell me about it. Some times they do something so embarrassing, you just want to string them up in a potato sack and beat them with a stick.

HANK

Bye.

HANK AND GEORGE EXIT

NICK

I can't believe you told our Dad's on us!

KEVIN

If he weren't going to take my Sea Hawks tickets off me I'd beat you into the ground.

VERY COCKILY NILES AND FRASIER GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND STAND IN FRONT OF NICK AND KEVIN, OCCASIONALLY KNOCKING THEIR TIES

FRASIER

But you can't touch us!

NILES

Yes what are you going to do now, big bully boys?

NICK

We can't touch you, but it doesn't mean someone else can't.

FRASIER

Ooh now I'm really scared.

KEVIN

Jack come here.

JACK

Excuse me Roz, I have to go and deal with a bit of business.

JACK, WHO TOWERS OVER FRASIER AND NILES, GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND STANDS WITH NICK AND KEVIN

JACK (CONT'D)

Are these the guys who told on you?

NICK

That would be them.

FRASIER

Ah yes indeed we did tell on them, but in the nicest possible way.

JACK

How about we step outside.

DAPHNE

Should we do something?

MARTIN

I'm an old man with a cane, what do you want from me?

DAPHNE

Have you got your cell phone so I can call a couple of ambulances?

MARTIN

That's not a bad idea, I may die from embarrassment.

NILES

My God Grandma what lovely big muscles you have. That was a joke. We're actually friends of Roz's over there. My brother works with her. But I can tell you're not actually interested. Which leaves me no other alternative.

FRASIER

Oh please Niles, not the feet of fury.

NILES

No, look your shoes untied.

JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SHOES

NILES (CONT'D)

Quick run.

FRASIER AND NILES RUN FROM NERVOSA FOLLOWED BY JACK, NICK AND KEVIN

MARTIN

Now I can add McGinty's to my list of places I can no longer go, like my old precinct and this place.

ROZ WALKS BACK OVER TO THEIR TABLE

ROZ

What the hell happened there?

DAPHNE

Don't ask.

ROZ

OK, anyone want another coffee?

AS ROZ GETS ANOTHER COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'FIGHT CLUB'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier)

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH OUT OF BREATH AND SWEATING

NILES

Lord knows how we managed to outrun him.

FRASIER

That little old lady that you pushed over and knocked into his path may have had something to do with it.

NILES

Oh she was fine.

FRASIER

Yes, other than needing a hip replacement.

NILES

She was smiling.

FRASIER

Rather her teeth were, but unfortunately they were on the sidewalk not in her mouth. Do you ever wonder why we always run from these situations?

NILES

Because I had visions of him sitting on top of me and banging my head repeatedly on the concrete. And I don't particularly want one side of my head flatter than the other thankyou very much.

FRASIER

I mean, this wouldn't have happened if we had stood up for ourselves at the very beginning.

NILES

That's the beauty of hindsight.

FRASIER

I still put it down to a fear of being punched. We're afraid to be hurt, so we run away from any situation that makes it a possibility.

NILES

That's an interesting theory.

FRASIER

I don't think we've ever actually been punched before.

NILES

Are you forgetting I attend kick boxing classes?

FRASIER

A seven thousand-dollar bill from that rack of wine you attacked, springs to mind, so I'll have to say no I haven't forgotten. But they never actually touch you in those classes.

NILES

Yes they do.

FRASIER

Niles, Daphne's told me about them, if you're not backing away up a wall, you're rolling up into a ball on the floor.

NILES

What's your point?

FRASIER

I think we need to get hit once, so we're not afraid anymore.

FRASIER TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES

NILES

Excuse me?

FRASIER

Come on hit me.

NILES

I most certainly will not. I am a psychiatrist.

FRASIER

What does that have to do with anything? Now come on hit me.

NILES

No!

FRASIER MAKES A FIST AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES WHO IMMEDIATELY BACKS AWAY

FRASIER

Then I'll hit you first, then you'll have to hit me back.

NILES RUNS BEHIND THE COUCH

NILES

You stay away from me. Frasier I mean it. Don't make me unleash my feet of fury.

FRASIER

You can't even unleash Eddie. Now come here, let me hit you. Just on the side of the head, where no one will see it.

NILES

No, I have delicate features, my head will crack like a porcelain doll hitting the sidewalk.

FRASIER

It'll be beneficial.

NILES

Of course it will, I don't use my health plan nearly enough. And look at how long your nails are. They'll scratch my face to pieces.

FRASIER

Won't it make Daphne proud of her man to see him with a scar?

NILES

You had me right up until scar.

FRASIER

Niles, just come here.

NILES

I'm warning you, I'll sue.

FRASIER

I'm not going to batter you to death, just punch you once in the head.

NILES

And that's supposed to convince me to let you do it?

FRASIER

Just come here.

NILES RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY FRASIER STILL MAKING A FIST

NILES

(OFF STAGE) No! Frasier, back away. Frasier!

ALL GOES QUIET AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SIT AT THE TABLE WITH BAGS OF FROZEN VEGETABLES COVERING ONE OF THEIR EYES. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND LIFTS UP BOTH BAGS TO HAVE A LOOK, TO REVEAL THAT THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK EYES.