I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Big thanks to Mindy for my Spanish lessons and to everyone else who offered to help.

To stand a chance of winning a full massage given by the character of your choice, send feedback to this address kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Nineteen
That Sinking Feeling

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING – DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Eddie)

NILES AND FRASIER SIT AT THE DINNING TABLE WITH SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER SCATTERED ABOUT ON THE TABLE, INCLUDING A VERY LARGE PLAN. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS DOWN WITH THEM. EDDIE LIES UNDER THE TABLE

NILES

I have it shortened down to either the salmon or the crab.

DAPHNE

Oh are you serving food?

NILES

I think it's the best idea, after all that wine, we tend to have a few casualties' falling overboard. Judge Rhineholt spent an hour holding onto that rope hanging off the back of the boat last year before anyone realised that he was missing. But by that time the vast majority of people had stopped sipping and spitting, had started to drink the wine from beer mugs and were lying on their backs with the wine bottles stuck on their toes singing selected Tom Jones classics, so it took even longer to find him.

FRASIER

In my humble opinion I'd have to say the salmon it...

NILES

(CUTTING HIM OFF) Excuse me, what are you doing? Who is the cork master?

FRASIER

That would be you.

NILES

Who wears the sash?

FRASIER

Sorry I forgot that you were ruler over every alcohol induced grape product on the planet. I'm surprised you haven't written a wine bible with the ten wine commandments. Thou shalt not dribble thy wine. Thou shalt not spit wine into thy brother's eye when he is only trying to help thou.

NILES

So who is organising the spring tasting?

FRASIER

I have to tell you how pointless this game is. Fine if you don't want any help, I won't interfere.

NILES

Daphne what do you think salmon or crab?

DAPHNE

Ooh the salmon definitely.

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WITH AN EMPTY COFFEE CUP

FRASIER

I don't believe this, Daphne's not even a member of the wine club, give me one reason why she can help and I can't?

NILES

I would but it'll only make you blush and very, very envious. And green's just not your colour. Oh fine, you can help me.

ENTER MARTIN FROM HIS ROOM AND JOINS THEM AT THE TABLE

MARTIN

What are you guys doing?

ENTER DAPHNE WITH A FRESH CUP OF COFFEE

NILES

Organising our annual spring tasting for the wine club.

EDDIE BEGINS TO RUB HIMSELF UP FRASIER'S LEG AND FINALLY STARTS TO MOUNT IT

FRASIER

Dad will you do something with Eddie?

MARTIN

What's your problem?

FRASIER

He's trying to hump my leg again.

NILES

Well don't fight it. Or try to kick him off that just encourages him and gets his blood up.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) I've noticed the same thing with you.

FRASIER

He doesn't know a thing about foreplay he just attacks me.

NILES

He's obviously been spying on you and your dates.

MARTIN

What do you want me to do about it?

FRASIER

Get him to stop it. I'm living in constant fear of touching anything in this apartment, in case it's one of his latest and freshest conquests.

DAPHNE

And I'll never be able to wear that angora sweater again. Not without boiling it first anyway.

MARTIN

It's just a phase he'll grow out of it.

FRASIER

That's what we said with Niles but he hasn't.

DAPHNE

And fortunately I'm reeking the benefits.

FRASIER

There must be something we can do.

DAPHNE

We can't very well take him to the vet's again. They're not going to want to sow them on just to cut them back off again. I can't imagine they'd see a lot of point in that.

FRASIER

Well you never know.

MARTIN

I don't keep them in a Mason jar under the sink with my can of spray cheese you know. I was always worried you might mistake them for a couple of meatballs and eat them when I wasn't looking.

FRASIER

Well that's one thing I'll never eat again. But I thought that removing certain elements would stop this from ever happening. That's why we did it in the first place.

MARTIN

Well Maris removed Niles' during the divorce and he still does all right.

NILES

Hey!

DAPHNE

I'll vouch for that.

MARTIN

Eddie come here. Are you happy now?

MARTIN MOVES TO HIS CHAIR AS EDDIE LEAVES FRASIER ALONE AND JUMPS ON TO MARTINS LAP

FRASIER

Oh yes, now suddenly I don't feel at all violated.

NILES

Can we get back to the spring tasting?

MARTIN

Well you know if you want somewhere to hold it, McGinty's just had the extension refurbished in the style of a jungle safari. After dinner you get attacked by a group of Pigmy's blowing rubber darts. And they really sting if they catch you right. They even have the chairs made out of stuffed animals. Depending on where you sit, you can have the entire meal with a rhino horn stuck between your legs. It's great.

FRASIER

I'm sure Freud would have a lovely time interpreting that one. But unless one of the animals happens to be Eddie, I think we'll pass.

NILES

Anyway Dad, we already have a venue. We always hold it on a ferry in the middle of Puget Sound.

MARTIN

Not a problem, McGinty's had his upstairs kited out like a pirate ship. There's even a plank you can walk into a big barrel of beer. They even have ocean noises playing behind the bar.

DAPHNE

What a dilemma, choosing between actually being on the water or just merely pretending to. At least it'll avoid seasickness.

FRASIER

Yes the only thing that will induce vomiting is the menu.

MARTIN

Half of those guys won't know the difference anyway when they've got a bottle of wine down them.

NILES

You don't actually drink the wine. Well you're not supposed to anyway, but there are a few rebel members who take the opportunity to increase their chances of needing a new liver by the time they reach the dock.

FRASIER

You just taste it and spit it out.

MARTIN

It's just an overpaid persons spitting contest. Fortunately I've been practising my aim so I won't embarrass you. I can get my beer back in the can without dribbling it down my chin.

NILES

(SURPRISED) Oh you want to come?

MARTIN

I am your father, I thought I'd be an automatic choice.

FRASIER

But you're not a member of the wine club.

MARTIN

Oh fair enough, I wouldn't want you to break a law. God forbid you'd be locked up in a tower and beheaded in front of a crowd spitting wine at you. I'm sure these laws are set in stone for all eternity.

NILES

Dad are you upset.

MARTIN

(SULKING HE BURIES HIS HEAD BEHIND HIS PAPER) No.

DAPHNE

I was thinking I might wear that purple dress you bought me for Christmas. What do you think?

FRASIER

Oh are you two going out somewhere special tonight?

DAPHNE

No I meant to the spring tasting.

MARTIN

Wait a minute, how come Daphne can go but I can't.

NILES

Once again I'd tell you but it would make you blush and very, very envious. Oh all right Dad, you can go.

MARTIN

(CHILDISHLY) I don't want to go.

FRASIER

Dad, stop being a baby, if you want to go, go.

MARTIN

(EXCITED) Right now all I have to do is dig out my old shark skin suit.

DAPHNE

(SOTTO) Why the sudden interest in the spring tasting.

MARTIN

(SOTTO) Free alcohol, why else?

NILES

Which reminds me actually Daphne. We'll have to make sure that we've got your Green Card with us on the boat.

DAPHNE

Why?

NILES

The head of the immigration board will probably be in attendance this year again and the man is insane and incredibly anal retentive when it comes to his job.

FRASIER

Do you remember last year he tried to get Senator Rafter deported? The man had lived in America since he was three years old for God's sake.

FRASIER STARTS TO WRITE ON THE PLAN

NILES

He's a bit of a control freak. It just shows you what happens when a person gets too much power and it goes to their heads. (SHOUTS) Just hold on right there. I am the cork master. I choose the table arrangements.

NILES TAKES THE PEN OFF FRASIER AS EDDIE STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF UP THE OTTOMAN

MARTIN

It won't be long before he's trying to take over the world.

FRASIER

Dad, get Eddie off the ottoman.

DAPHNE

Remind me never to sit there ever again.

AS MARTIN CALLS EDDIE AWAY WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'SALMON-CHANTED EVENING'

FADE IN:

EXT. COVERED END OF DECK OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Archie, Man)

THE OUTSIDE DECK IS COVERED IN FAIRY LIGHTS MAKING IT GLOW. THERE ARE TABLES ALL THE WAY AROUND THE EDGE FILLED WITH WINE. IN THE FAR RIGHT IS A BAND THAT PLAYS QUIETLY THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. TO THE LEFT BEFORE THE ENTRANCE INSIDE IS A COVERED AREA. AT EITHER END ARE TABLES WITH PLATTERS OF FOOD BEING KEPT COLD BY ICE SCULPTURES. SEVERAL WAITERS PREPARE THE WINE, AS MANY PEOPLE FROM THE WINE CLUB MILL AROUND THE FERRY. FRASIER IS TO THE RIGHT TALKING TO THE CAPTAIN. NILES SITS UNDER THE COVERED AREA WITH DAPHNE MASSAGING HIS SHOULDERS.

DAPHNE

Niles honey, if you don't un-tense soon you're going to break my fingers. And then I'll have to nut you.

NILES

I'm going to take that as having no sexual meaning. I'm sorry, I just can't believe how this evening is turning out already and the boat hasn't even left the dock yet.

DAPHNE

I'm sure those sailors didn't mean to flash you. It was just a mistake, they actually meant to flash me.

NILES

And that's supposed to make me feel better? We're going to have a major wine crisis on our hands by the end of the evening.

DAPHNE

So, they've delivered a few bottles of the wrong wine. What's the big deal?

NILES

They've sent me two crates of white Zinfandel.

DAPHNE

So?

NILES

Who in their right mind drinks white Zinfandel? Why didn't they just bring me two crates of Mountain Dew and chocolate soda?

FRASIER APPROACHES

DAPHNE

Niles calm down. Oh am I glad to see you. Dr. Crane will you help calm him down before he becomes certifiable.

FRASIER PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WINE AND INSPECTS THE LABEL

FRASIER

I think we missed that boat a few years ago. Now Niles what's the problem? Huh, Oh my God, white Zinfandel, what were you thinking?

NILES PICKS UP A BOTTLE TO CHECK THE LABEL

NILES

That's not what I ordered. On no, look at this. The Chateau Certair, it was supposed to be the seventy-five not the seventy-seven. I'll be black listed, they'll never let me in the wine club again. They'll strip me of my cuspidor and insert it somewhere about my person very uncomfortable. I'll spend the rest of my life sitting on an inflatable cushion.

DAPHNE

Oh stop over-reacting. Just get them plastered on everything else first and they won't be able to tell the difference between the wine you wanted and sucking a damp sock.

FRASIER

In other words actually drinking a white Zinfandel.

NILES

I guess you're right.

FRASIER NOTICES SOMEONE DOWN THE OTHER END OF THE BOAT

FRASIER

Niles is that Nancy Myers?

NILES

I think it is.

DAPHNE

Goodness look at the size of that woman's teeth.

FRASIER

That's who we are talking about.

DAPHNE

She looks like some sort of antique can opener.

FRASIER

At least it takes the focus off her toupee.

NILES

Well it would if it didn't lean to one side.

FRASIER

She has to do that to cover her lazy eye.

DAPHNE

Talk about an escapee from a freak show, all she needs is a beard and we could pitch a tent and have had the entertainment right there.

NILES

She had to shave it off after it got caught in the pasta machine while hosting a dinner party. As cork master I suppose I must welcome her. Why Nancy you lovely thing.

NILES MOVES TO THE OPEN END OF THE BOAT AS MARTIN APPROACHES WITH EDDIE

MARTIN

Hi guys.

DAPHNE

Hello Mr. Crane.

FRASIER

Hi Dad, Eddie. (IN DISBELIEF) Eddie? Dad why have you brought Eddie?

MARTIN

He likes the water.

FRASIER

But this is a wine tasting not a swimming party at a water hole. How are people supposed to stand a chance in the blind taste off with the smell of a dog wafting up their noses?

MARTIN

Oh come on. He won't cause any problems.

FRASIER

Especially when I throw him overboard.

DAPHNE

I'll be back in a flash, I think I'd better sedate Niles before he sees our furry friend here.

DAPHNE MOVES TOWARDS NILES

FRASIER

Well you'd better keep that horny hound from hell under control.

MARTIN

What do you think he's going to do? Get drunk, take control of the boat and crash it into the lighthouse on Mercer Island?

ENTER ROZ AND ARCHIE (ARCHIE IS A RATHER ELDERLY GENTLEMAN) ON TO THE DECK

FRASIER

Exactly.

MARTIN

Did you invite Roz?

FRASIER

No I didn't, this event isn't exactly her milieu.

MARTIN

Well she's standing right over there.

FRASIER

She's what? Roz? What are you doing here?

ROZ APPROACHES

RESET TO:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HAS FINALLY GOT NILES ALONE AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR

NILES

(SHOUTS) Oh my God!

RESET TO:

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT NILES BEFORE CONTINUING THEIR CONVERSATION

ROZ

My date brought me.

FRASIER

Who on earth are you possibly dating from the wine club?

ARCHIE APPROACHES AND WRAPS HIS ARM AROUND ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Archie why hello, it's nice to see you.

ARCHIE

Hello Crane.

FRASIER

Well what are you two kids doing together?

ARCHIE

Having sex mostly Crane.

MARTIN

OK more than I want to hear.

MARTIN MOVES DOWN THE OPEN END OF THE FERRY

FRASIER

So how long have you two been dating?

ROZ

Just a couple of weeks.

ARCHIE

If you'll excuse me, I must go and choke the old snake.

ARCHIE EXITS INSIDE

FRASIER

Charming, with such clarity and concision that was almost pure poetry. I can see why you're drawn to him. The man is a terrible old leach, what are you doing with him?

ROZ

I'll admit he's a little older than the guys that I normally go for, but one look at...

FRASIER

His bank balance and his medical history?

ROZ

No that never entered into it. One look at how wonderful he is with Alice and I knew I just wanted to spend time with him. Alice loves him.

FRASIER

I'm not surprised, she probably feels superior to him. After all she's been able to eat her food without gumming it for some time now. One unfortunately timed surprise and he's going to be flat on his back.

ROZ

No actually that's me.

FRASIER

Are you telling me that the thought hasn't passed through your mind, that once his will has been changed to your name, you could hide behind a mirror, jump out at the right moment and his fortune would be yours?

ROZ

Frasier what kind of person do you think I am?

FRASIER

Roz?

ROZ

Oh all right, it had crossed my mind, but I wasn't going to do it. The last thing I want is a stiff one on my hands.

FRASIER

Since when?

RESET TO:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

NILES HANGS ONTO THE RAILING ON THE BACK OF THE FERRY FOR DEAR LIFE AS HE BREATHES VERY HEAVILY AS DAPHNE JUST WATCHES HIM

NILES

What has he brought Eddie for? How could he mistake wine tasting with dog grooming? I knew something like this would happen.

DAPHNE

Niles if you don't stop hyperventilating, I'm going to have to mace you.

A SEAGULL LANDS ON THE TABLE OF FOOD AND STARTS TO PECK AT ONE OF THE WHOLE SALMON'S THAT ARE THERE JUST FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES.

NILES

Oh my God! Shoo, go on get away.

THE SEAGULL FLIES AWAY

DAPHNE

Bloody seagulls. Oh no, the salmon. Well maybe no one will notice. It doesn't look too bad.

NILES

Only if the servers poke everyone in the eye with a sharp stick before feeding them.

DAPHNE

Maybe we can patch it back up again.

NILES

With what? I left my emergency salmon sowing kit at home, I didn't think I'd need it. Anyway we can't keep it here. Lord knows what sort of diseases that thing had.

DAPHNE

Will you stop being such a bloody clean freak. I'll scrub you down with disinfectant and a loofer when we get back.

NILES

Is that a threat or a promise?

DAPHNE

Honey, now is neither the time nor the place. We have to dispose of it somehow. It's not particularly appetising to see a half-eaten dead fish, with an eye hanging on a thread, next to the hors d'oeuvre.

NILES

You're right.

DAPHNE

Why have you got whole dead salmon on there for anyway? Were we supposed to bring a pocket-knife and a Bunsen burner if we wanted any of that one, rather than the ones on the crackers?

NILES

Since I'm serving salmon I thought it might make a nice table decoration.

DAPHNE

A dead fish is a nice table decoration? Did you get that idea off Martha Stewart? Well thank God you didn't decide to serve roast beef. I can just imagine a dead cow with its tongue lolling out lying across the table.

NILES

I have an idea. Make sure no one is watching. I return you to the sea, in almost original condition.

DAPHNE

He'll just be so happy to be home that he won't care he's skinless not to mention boneless and eyeless and dead.

NILES THROWS THE SALMON OVERBOARD OFF THE BACK OF THE FERRY

NILES

Problem taken care of.

DAPHNE

May I recommend you don't handle the wine problem the same way? The last thing we need is a bunch of fish floating in our wake that have been clubbed to death.

MAN

(OFFSTAGE ON THE DOCK) Why don't you watch what you're doing you jerk!

NILES

I am so sorry, I didn't see you.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) He didn't mean to do it. It'll serve you right for relieving yourself up a boat in the first place you dirty bleeder. Have you never heard of using a bog?

NILES

Daphne can you not make him angrier. He's twice my size.

DAPHNE

Most school children are twice your size. (SHOUTS) Just because you look like a complete and utter pratt doesn't mean you have to act like one as well.

NILES

(NERVOUSLY) Daphne, please be quiet before you get me killed.

DAPHNE

Oh look the sailors are back.

NILES COVERS HIS EYES AS DAPHNE'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN

NILES

I didn't need to see that.

DAPHNE

OK that time they were flashing you.

AS NILES TURNS DAPHNE AROUND WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Captain, Rhineholt, Waiters, Eddie)

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UNDER THE COVER DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. A GROUP OF SEAGULLS ARE PERCHED ON THE COVER WATCHING THE FOOD

NILES

I don't like the way those seagulls are perched up there. Shouldn't they have flown off by now? That one's giving me the evil eye.

DAPHNE

Oh will you relax. I promise I won't let them peck you to death.

FRASIER CROSSES TO THEM LOOKING RATHER CONCERNED

FRASIER

Niles, how well do you know the captain of this ferry?

NILES

I don't, it may come as a surprise but we don't attend the same social functions. I'm illegible to enter all peg-leg competitions, as you know my bird died a few years ago and I've had bad experiences with eye patches.

FRASIER

Don't remind me. The man is hitting on me. He's all over me like a rash.

NILES

You must be mistaken.

FRASIER

It's hard to mistake the meaning when he's trying to put his tongue down my ear. He was practically trying to tie a knot in my ear canal. Short of getting down on one knee and declaring his undying devotion I don't think his message could be any clearer.

DAPHNE

Good lord, really?

FRASIER

Do you think I would make this up? Oh no he's looking this way, hide me.

FRASIER HIDES BEHIND THEM

DAPHNE

What's your problem he's quite nice looking?

FRASIER

I may not have been out with many woman lately but my ultimate goal is still the same. I haven't switched sides.

NILES JUMPS UP AND TAPS THE COVER TO SCARE THE BIRDS

NILES

Get off there.

DAPHNE

Niles, you are fixated on these birds.

NILES

Well they're looking at me.

DAPHNE

Begin to worry when they've pecked your eye out.

FRASIER

Hello? What about me?

NILES

Frasier just tell him that you're not interested and that's the end of it.

FRASIER

It's not that simple, the man finds me irresistible.

NILES

The man's obviously delusional then. We should have him committed immediately for his own safety.

FRASIER

He was feeling my rear end. Do you have any idea how hard it is to spit straight when your buttocks are being squeezed like he's checking the ripeness of a melon in a supermarket?

NILES

Just relax will you.

FRASIER

Well you've certainly changed your tune, you were near hysteria earlier. Why the sudden turn around?

DAPHNE

A bottle of wine.

FRASIER

Ah. Well despite the shaky start things seem to have turned out quite well.

DAPHNE

Yes everyone is getting completely plastered and all singing the cork masters praises. I have to say though I didn't expect it to be quite so casual.

FRASIER

It's the best way to host a spring tasting. It was quickly discovered that when alcohol is involved, all organisation goes out of the window. No one is interested in rules when a bottle of wine is at stake, they just want to drink it. And it can get pretty violent, especially with this crowd. They're not afraid to throw things.

NILES

Everyone is here. I don't remember a turn out like this since Sir William agreed to pay for everyone to be given a full massage if they came.

DAPHNE

And that worked?

NILES

You bet it did, although Sir William eventually ended up with a broken hip for his trouble.

FRASIER

The whole incident was unavoidable in my humble opinion. How could he expect our aim to be one hundred percent when lying on a table with a woman walking up and down your back in stiletto heels? You have to expect people to miss and spit on the floor under those circumstances.

NILES

And yet it taught us a valuable lesson.

FRASIER

Never attend a wine tasting without traction decal on the soles of your shoes. I see Judge Rhineholt's back this year and already wearing his life preserver. No need to guess what his intentions are this evening.

NILES

That's right, he's with the head of the immigration board, Michael Chapman. He introduced us earlier.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM INSIDE

MARTIN

Hi guys.

FRASIER

Hi Dad.

NILES

Dad where's Eddie?

MARTIN

He's inside. So, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

FRASIER

Oh God, he's heading this way.

FRASIER RUNS TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK

MARTIN

What's his problem?

NILES

The Captain's hitting on him.

MARTIN

Oh OK.

NILES

Notice how he doesn't even question that statement.

ROZ APPROACHES FROM THE OTHER END OF THE DECK

MARTIN

Hi Roz. Where's your date?

ROZ

He went home almost as soon as we got here, not that I'm complaining, the man's turning into real dead wood.

DAPHNE

I hope you don't mean that literally.

ROZ

I made one crack about after this trip maybe he'd consider being buried at sea and he flipped out.

DAPHNE

I don't know why.

ROZ

He started shouting at me and called me a tramp. So I kicked him in the crotch and poured his wine over his head. Still it's probably a good thing that the relationship ended now.

MARTIN

Why?

ROZ

Because I'm a wildcat in bed and he keeps clutching his chest. The end result would not be a pretty picture for the paramedics.

RESET TO:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER'S FEET STICK OUT FROM UNDERNEATH A TABLECLOTH THAT COVERS ONE OF THE WINE TABLES. THE CAPTAIN SEES THIS AND LIFTS IT UP

CAPTAIN

Hello, there Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Oh hi. I was just looking for my contact lens.

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR

CAPTAIN

Oh, you have the most beautiful eyes.

FRASIER

What can I say I'm cursed. Listen Billy, I have something to tell you.

RESET TO:

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE CHAT AS NILES INSPECTS A BOTTLE LABEL AND MARTIN KNOCKS BACK A GLASS OF WINE IN ONE

NILES

Dad, you're not supposed to just knock it back like that. Sip and spit, sip and spit. Do you get it?

MARTIN

Believe it or not they taught us this before we were allowed anywhere near a gun in the army. Being able to spit accurately was a better weapon than a hand grenade.

RESET TO:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE BOAT – CONTINUOUS

THE CAPTAIN LOOKS UPSET AS FRASIER LOOKS HOPEFUL

CAPTAIN

(SHOUTS) I don't believe this. How could you lead me on in this way? My heart is not a toy for you to play with. I may never love again. Goodbye Dr. Crane.

RESET TO:

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE BOAT – CONTINUOUS

NILES, MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL STARE IN FRASIER'S DIRECTION AS HE APPROACHES LOOKING VERY SHEEPISH

NILES

So did he take it well?

FRASIER

If anyone over heard that, I don't think I came off very well.

DAPHNE

Where have all the servers gone?

NILES

Will you birds stop looking at me!

EDDIE RUNS ACROSS THE DECK

FRASIER

Dad, what's Eddie doing?

NILES

Eddie? You told me he was locked inside.

MARTIN

Oh locked inside, running out on deck, what's the difference?

ROZ

Well I'm now dateless so I feel like getting drunk.

MARTIN

I'm right with you, I smuggled some beer on board.

MARTIN AND ROZ WALK TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK

NILES

I can't believe he brought Eddie. I half expect to turn around and see that he's brought his chair and a pair of flannel pants to change into as well.

FRASIER

Oh Eddie hasn't really caused any problems. Who does it really harm?

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE FOOD TABLE CLOSET TO THEM, AND RUNS ACROSS IT BEFORE RUBBING HIMSELF UP AND MOUNTING THE SALMON ON DISPLAY

DAPHNE

Well that salmon to start with. Or will that make it a rare delicacy. Oh bloody hell. Get away from there you randy little hound.

EDDIE RUNS AND EXITS BACK INSIDE

NILES

Oh my God it's all ruined. I can't serve it with little paw prints and dog hair embedded into it. Not to mention what he was doing to that one. We have practically nothing to feed them.

FRASIER

Can't you get some more?

NILES

From where? I tore my trawling net catching this lot.

DAPHNE

I think we could salvage most of it, as long as you remember not to eat any of it yourself.

NILES

I can't do that. Oh what the hell no one here really likes me. Frasier keep watch.

FRASIER TRIES TO BLOCK THEM FROM VIEW OF THE REST OF THE FERRY

DAPHNE

I think we should definitely dispose of this one. Even though it was very pretty to look at.

NILES

I quite agree.

NILES PICKS UP THE FISH AND GOES TO THROW IT OVERBOARD BUT NOTICES JUDGE RHINEHOLT COMING TOWARDS HIM. NILES QUICKLY TURNS AROUND AND PUTS THE FISH UNDER HIS JACKET AND BACKS AWAY FROM THE EDGE

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh Judge Rhineholt, and how are you this evening?

RHINEHOLT

Just fine Crane, although you seem to have lost most of your staff.

NILES

Yes I had noticed that.

RHINEHOLT

Gone overboard have they?

NILES

No, just looking for a corkscrew I believe.

JUDGE RHINEHOLT WALKS TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK AS NILES PULLS THE FISH OUT FROM HIS JACKET

NILES (CONT'D)

Now don't I just smell divine? Where do I put this fish?

FRASIER

Quick in here.

FRASIER OPENS A CUPBOARD DOOR AND NILES THROWS THE FISH IN, IT HITS HOWEVER A GROUP OF WAITERS THAT ARE USING IT AS A PLACE TO HIDE

NILES

What are you doing in there?

WAITER

Senor, no hablamos ingles.

NILES

What?

FRASIER

He says they don't speak any English.

NILES

And that explains why they are in the broom closet. Ask him what they are doing in there.

FRASIER

Que tu haces aqui?

WAITER

Escondome.

FRASIER

Hiding.

NILES

I can see that! Why are they hiding?

FRASIER

Porque te esta escondedo?

WAITER

El gerente de la immigracion esta alli fuera y estamos aqui ilegalmente, si nos oyen, no podemos demostrar una trajeta verde, y el nos tendra deportardos.

FRASIER

They're here illegally. The head of immigration is out there, you try to work it out.

NILES

Ok just about to hyperventilate. Most of the food is ruined due to the local wildlife being unable to control themselves, not to mention the salmon I had on display which is now bobbing up and down in our wake. I have a boat full of the Seattle elite all expecting to get tight this evening and people who are supposed to be getting them that way are all hiding in a cupboard in case they get deported. And the Captain of the boat is hitting on my brother, is this about accurate so far?

FRASIER

I think so

AS NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S AS EASY AS A, B, C'

FADE IN:

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Frasier, Waiters, Niles, Martin, Roz, Daphne, William, Rhineholt, Eddie)

THE WAITERS ARE ALL LINED UP AND FRASIER TRIES IN VAIN TO TEACH THEM ENGLISH. NILES LOOKS ON AS MARTIN TRIES TO PREVENT ANYONE FROM COMING INSIDE

FRASIER

Good evening Sir.

WAITERS

(ALL TOGETHER) Good evening Sir.

NILES

Is this going to work? Shouldn't they at least have an American accent? They sound like one of the Marx Brothers. Obviously not the silent one.

FRASIER

What other choice is there?

NILES

Wouldn't it be better if they just didn't say anything?

FRASIER

What if they get spoken to? They have to be able to respond with something or he'll know something is up straight away. You know how seriously he takes his job. For God sake the man even stopped me as I got on board.

MARTIN

But most of these guys are toasted anyway. They're not going to know if they answer them or not. Most of them are already hearing voices. There's a guy out there singing to the ice sculptures.

FRASIER

But what about the people who aren't drunk. We can't take that risk. Do you have any idea what the consequences are going to be if this gets out?

MARTIN

They'll get sent back home with a slap on the wrist.

FRASIER

I meant to our reputations. This is not something I want on my social record.

MARTIN

It's not that big a deal.

NILES

No a permanent police record is not a big deal, this would be huge. Do you have any idea what those people out there would think?

MARTIN

What does it matter, you don't like them anyway.

FRASIER

Once again Dad you're completely missing the point.

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER

ROZ

Frasier, where did the Captain go, after you completely shattered his heart and made him incapable of ever loving another person in his life?

FRASIER

Make me feel guilty why don't you? I don't know, why?

ROZ

Because the crew have been looking for him and he's no where in sight. We just thought it might concern you.

DAPHNE

Especially after we found this.

DAPHNE PRODUCES THE CAPTAINS HAT WITH TWO EMPTY WINE BOTTLE IN IT FROM BEHIND HER BACK

NILES

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

Look on the bright side. At least someone was drinking the white Zinfandel.

MARTIN

Do you think he's gone overboard?

NILES BEGINS TO SLAP FRASIER'S ARM

NILES

I don't believe this. It's all your fault.

FRASIER

How is this my fault?

NILES

All you had to do was be nice to him.

FRASIER

But he was flirting with me.

NILES

Was it too much to expect for you to flirt back? I wasn't asking a lot, I didn't expect children and twin burial plots to come from this situation.

FRASIER

That's very generous of you. He tried to kiss me.

NILES

All you had to do was try something new.

FRASIER

But I didn't want to because I know I wouldn't like it.

NILES

How can you tell if you've never had a go?

FRASIER

I've never been eaten alive by lions either but I know for a fact that I wouldn't like that.

MARTIN

Now this isn't going to solve anything.

NILES

You're right, we must salvage this tasting. After all I am the cork master I must take control.

ROZ

And the cork signal is being displayed. We need you cork man, the fate of the universe rests in your hands.

NILES

How I wish I had a cork right now.

FRASIER

OK Dad, you and Roz go out and open up the wine and keep topping up the glasses. And remember they are not intentionally spitting at you, so please don't club anyone with your cane. Niles, you and Daphne go and look for the Captain. I'll stay here and continue the English lesson.

ROZ, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT

RESET TO:

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND MARTIN START TO OPEN THE WINE AS NILES GRABS A GLASS OF WINE OFF A TABLE AND DAPHNE STARES AT THE FACES IN THE CROWD LOOKING FOR THE CAPTAIN. EDDIE CAN BE SEEN RUBBING HIMSELF UP SIR WILLIAM'S LEG

NILES

Why won't these birds go away? I need a drink first. Oh my God, Eddie, get off him. No wait that's his wooden leg, he won't have noticed.

NILES CRAWLS OVER TO SIR WILLIAM AND PULLS EDDIE AWAY. NILES THEN STARTS TO BRUSH THE DOG HAIR OFF SIR WILLIAM'S LEG AS HE NOTICES THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON

WILLIAM

Crane what are you doing?

NILES

Just admiring your suit. I love the material. It's very soft. Daphne feel how soft this is.

BOTH NILES AND DAPHNE START TO RUB THEIR FACES UP HIS LEG WHILE REMOVING THE DOG HAIR

DAPHNE

Oh yes, I could just rub myself all over it.

WILLIAM

Well when you've both quite finished sent marking my leg, do you think you could get someone out here to open this wine, one of your first priorities I would think being cork master.

NILES

Of course.

NILES PICKS EDDIE UP AND STARES HIM IN THE FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

You'll be lucky if I don't show you first hand how the propeller works. I won't hesitate in making mincemeat out of you dog.

DAPHNE

Niles that vain on your forehead is beginning to turn red.

NILES

That's because I'm a little bit agitated.

NILES STARTS TO KNOCK A GLASS OF WINE BACK IN ONE

DAPHNE

So would now be a good time to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear.

NILES DOES A SPIT TAKE SPEWING WINE ALL OVER JUDGE RHINEHOLT AS HE WALKS PAST

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Maybe not.

RHINEHOLT

No, in the cuspidor Crane. What do you think they're there for? You don't just spray it around like a fountain.

AS DAPHNE HIDES HER FACE WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Frasier, Waiter)

FRASIER IS TUTORING ONE WAITER AS THE REST TAKE A BREAK. THE WAITER HAS 'A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO ENGLISH' IN HIS HAND

FRASIER

Ahora cuando yo digo 'hello' usted diria que?

WAITER

I am an American. Please don't deport me.

FRASIER

No you idiot, when I say hello, you say hello. No, tu tambien responderia con 'hello'. Ahora dilo 'hello'.

WAITER

Hello

FRASIER

Hello

WAITER

Hello

FRASIER

Hello

WAITER

Hello

FRASIER

Oh will you stop saying that!

WAITER

I have never seen Ellis Island. I like apple pie.

FRASIER

Oh dear God.

WAITER

Oh dear God.

FRASIER

Stop repeating me.

WAITER

Pardon?

FRASIER

Doesn't this book help you at all?

WAITER

I sleep in a bassinet.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

WAITER

That artichoke is very ripe. Let me hit a home run.

FRASIER

Oh this is much better, now you'll just be committed.

WAITER

Pardon?

FRASIER

Just forget it. Maybe they'll think you're all mute. No digas nada, si alguien pregunta, yo les dire que son todos mudos. Hopefully by now everyone is too drunk to notice.

AS THE OTHER WAITER START TO JOIN IN WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'IT MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE SEA AIR'

FADE IN:

EXT. PORT SIDE WALKWAY OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles)

NILES AND DAPHNE WALK ALONG THE FERRY LOOKING FOR THE CAPTAIN. HANGING OVER THE EDGE OF THE FERRY ARE SEVERAL LIFEBOATS

DAPHNE

This is ridiculous, we'll never find him. You stand more chance of finding the Holy Grail in a wicker basket then the Captain on this ferry.

NILES

I wouldn't rule that out. He has to be here somewhere.

DAPHNE

But where? We established all the drawers in his desk were full so he hadn't squeezed himself into one of those. And he wouldn't fit in the vegetable crisper in the kitchen.

NILES

He knows the boat better than we do. He's probably just sleeping it off somewhere.

DAPHNE

As long as he's not sleeping with the fishes.

NILES

When did you get your English to Mafia converter?

DAPHNE

Well I must confess I'm secretly sleeping with the mob frontrunner in exchange for an unlimited supply of fur coats.

NILES

Ah now that explains the horse head in my bed. And I thought it was a gift off a patient. I haven't heard off that woman who used to send me dead ferrets through the mail for months. She must have had her lobotomy.

DAPHNE

Take away all the chaos down the other end of the boat, and it's actually quite a nice evening. The stars are all out.

NILES

(LOOKING AT DAPHNE) That they are. And the Moon looks simply exquisite, as always.

SHE KISSES HIM

DAPHNE

Are you beginning to relax a little more now?

NILES

Yeah, I'm fine, everything is under control. The Captain has to be around here somewhere. Frasier doesn't actually have a suicidal effect on people that I am sure of.

DAPHNE

Except on his dates and the callers on his show.

NILES

I'd forgot them. I'm sorry I was a bit snappy earlier.

DAPHNE

It's OK, I understand. Lord knows after all you've seen me at my worst moments.

NILES

I'll say.

DAPHNE

What does that mean?

NILES

But you at your worst is absolutely wonderful.

HE KISSES HER

DAPHNE

Shouldn't you beep when you back up that fast? Hey, I think I know something that will get you even more relaxed.

NILES

What's that?

DAPHNE CLIMBS INTO ONE OF THE LIFEBOATS

DAPHNE

Take a guess. You know it was true what I said about my underwear. I have me birthday suit on under this dress, would you like to take a look?

NILES

But Daphne we're supposed to be looking for the Captain. And I'm pretty sure I won't find him there. At least I hope not. We don't have time.

DAPHNE

What I've got planned will only take two, three minutes tops.

NILES

Two to three minutes? You're certainly asking a lot of my stamina. Do you think I'm some sort of mountain lion?

DAPHNE

I was thinking more along the lines of mountain gopher, but either way it's still an animal. The Captain will still be asleep whether we find him now or in ten minutes.

NILES

But we're outside.

DAPHNE

What's the matter? Have you never done it outside before?

NILES

Before we got together I'd never done it outside the bedroom. Oh all right I'll be honest anywhere but in bed.

DAPHNE

Oh my poor little sex starved baby. I guess that means I'm a bit of a bad influence.

NILES

You're a real bad girl.

DAPHNE

Shut up and get in here.

NILES CHECKS TO SEE IF ANYONE IS LOOKING AND THEN CLIMBS INTO THE LIFEBOAT

NILES

I'm just a piece of meat to you aren't I?

DAPHNE

That's right and I'm feeling awfully peckish. If anyone sees you can just tell them you're dealing with one of your sexual obsessives.

NILES

Since we got together, I've been saying that a lot.

AS NILES AND DAPHNE DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Roz, Rhineholt, Martin, Man, Waiter, Frasier, Captain, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)

AS MARTIN FILLS UP THE GLASSES WITH WINE, ROZ WALKS AROUND THE DECK WITH A TRAY OF THE HORS D'OEUVRE. SHE APPROACHES JUDGE RHINEHOLT

ROZ

Can I interest you in a bite to eat?

RHINEHOLT

Not really young lady, I've had a bit too much wine, if I see any food I may just vomit on it. Wait a second don't I know you?

ROZ

I don't think so.

RHINEHOLT

John Rhineholt.

ROZ

That name sounds familiar. Where do you work?

RHINEHOLT

I'm a judge down at the...

ROZ

OK, got you, bye.

ROZ HURRIES OVER TO MARTIN AND HE TAKES A CRACKER OFF THE TRAY

MARTIN

Can I have some of that Roz? It tastes kind of funky. That's disgusting. What an after taste!

ROZ

That's vile! Niles, will freak out if he tastes this. Can I be the one to tell him?

MARTIN

Who was that you were talking to?

ROZ

Judge Rhineholt. I was up in front of him a few years ago over some speeding tickets. Thank God he doesn't remember me.

MARTIN

Oh it's just some speeding tickets, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

ROZ

But the fact that I flirted shamelessly with him to avoid a fine or community service was.

MARTIN

Why what did you do?

ROZ

Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?

MARTIN

You boiled his bunny rabbit?

ROZ

That was Fatal Attraction. Basic Instinct was the one with Sharon Stone and the white suit.

MARTIN

Oh jeez Roz.

ROZ

Hey it got me off.

MARTIN

I wouldn't be surprised if that's all it got you.

ROZ

Oh come on you can't tell me that it never happened to you during all those years on the force.

MARTIN

No it didn't. Except that one time I was caught naked with that woman in the back of a squad car, but that's completely different.

ROZ

Yeah, you already had a pair of handcuffs, I had to buy them.

A MAN GOES TO SPIT HIS WINE INTO THE CUSPIDOR BUT MISSES SLIGHTLY AND ALMOST GETS MARTIN

MARTIN

Hey watch it buddy, do you have any idea how much these shoes cost me? Twenty-nine, ninety-nine on sale.

MAN

And they were worth every penny.

MARTIN

I don't think we've done too bad. Everyone seems to be sipping and spitting. Except for the guy whose passed out.

ROZ

Is there anything else I can do?

MARTIN

If you don't mind my asking, why the sudden interest in helping Niles? You guys have never actually got along well.

ROZ

That's true, but we have an arrangement that works.

MARTIN

All you do is insult each other.

ROZ

Exactly, it works.

MARTIN

Well why don't you see if Frasier needs any help, I think I can handle things here.

ROZ

OK

THE MAN ONCE AGAIN SPITS AND ONCE AGAIN ALMOST GETS MARTIN AS ROZ WALKS THE LENGTH OF THE DECK AND EXITS INSIDE

MARTIN

Oh stop spitting at me, I'm an ex-cop I could make your life hell.

RESET TO:

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER WORKS WITH ANOTHER WAITER ON HIS OWN AS ROZ ENTERS

WAITER

Good evening Sir

FRASIER

Good. I think we may just pull this off.

ROZ

Hi, Frasier need any help?

FRASIER

What about the wine?

ROZ

Martin's got that under control.

FRASIER

Listen to this guys English.

ROZ

Frasier can I just say, there's not a lot of point in doing this, if they are going to go out there with 'a beginners guide to English' in his hand. You might as well send them out there singing 'Speedy Gonzalo's' and wearing a Sombrero.

FRASIER

Point taken. But they have just a smattering of English now, which should get them trough the last few hours.

THE WAITER READS FROM HIS BOOK AND DIRECTS IT AT ROZ

WAITER

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

ROZ

Was he talking to you or me?

WAITER

I am a wildcat.

ROZ TAKES THE BOOK FROM HIM

ROZ

Please tell me that this book is misprinted. Well what do you know it's not. Frasier how do you say 'no chance in hell' in Spanish? Or do I just kick him in the crotch and see if he can understand that interpretation?

FRASIER

I think we should leave some things to the imagination.

SFX: LOUD THUD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What was that thud?

ROZ

It came from outside.

FRASIER

(TO THE WAITERS) Go, serve. Ahora ve y sirve.

FRASIER, ROZ AND THE WAITERS ALL EXIT OUTSIDE ONTO THE DECK

RESET TO:

EXT. PORTSIDE WALKWAY OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ ROUND THE CORNER AFTER COMING OUTSIDE TO WHERE THE THUD CAME FROM. THE CAPTAIN LIES PASSED OUT FLAT ON HIS BACK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh dear God.

FRASIER HIDES IN A GROVE ALONG THE SIDE OF THE FERRY

ROZ

What are you hiding for? He's passed out?

FRASIER

That still doesn't mean that his reach has shortened. I'm in no mood to be pinched. Especially by him.

ROZ

Look, I'm here, I won't let him fondle you that much. Help me drag him to the front of the boat, they can take care of him.

FRASIER

What if he wakes up?

ROZ

Then you two will make a very attractive couple and you'll be very happy together.

FRASIER

Roz!

ROZ

What do you think he's going to do? When he does wake up he'll have a head ache and be looking for a place to throw-up rather than trying it on with you.

FRASIER

You under estimate my rare animal magnitude.

ROZ

Yes of the chipmunk variety. Now grab his feet.

FRASIER

No, to some people there is nothing more sensuous then someone touching your feet.

ROZ

Now is not the time for a Pulp Fiction moment.

FRASIER

I have to make sure that everything is OK with the tasting. You can drag him on your own, you can be quite feisty when you want to be. I bet you could pick up a car if you put your mind to it.

ROZ

You are not going to abandon me.

FRASIER

That's strange because I thought I was.

ROZ

Frasier.

FRASIER

And when you've done that, see if you can see Niles, they'll want him to make his speech soon.

ROZ

If I had half a mind...

FRASIER

You wouldn't have been here with an old man in the first place. Now off you go.

ROZ

Help me or I walk.

FRASIER

Where? Off the side of the boat? Good luck.

ROZ

Frasier!

FRASIER

Oh fine, but if I feel at all violated, I will seek vengeance on you head.

ROZ

Fine, now pull him.

FRASIER

I've already pulled him once tonight.

THEY BOTH GRAB A FOOT AND START TO DRAG HIM TO THE FRONT OF THE FERRY. THEY REACH HALF WAY WHEN JUDGE RHINEHOLT LEAVES THE DECK AND STAGGERS TOWARDS THEM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Judge Rhineholt is coming, quick hide him.

ROZ

Where? He won't fit in the leg of my stockings? Not that I'd even want him there. Maybe I'll just throw him overboard. He can only slightly drown and die.

FRASIER

Just copy me.

FRASIER LIES ACROSS THE CAPTAIN AND ROZ COPIES. YOU CAN STILL SEE THE CAPTAIN BUT A DRUNK MAN MAY NOT NOTICE

NILES

(FROM INSIDE THE LIFEBOAT) What's that noise.

NILES LIFTS HIS HEAD FROM THE LIFEBOAT AND SEES ROZ AND FRASIER LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH THE CAPTAIN RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIFEBOAT. NILES HAS HIS TIE AROUND HIS FOREHEAD IN SOMEWHAT RAMBO FASHION

NILES (CONT'D)

Ahhhh.

ROZ

What are you doing in there?

DAPHNE LIFTS HER HEAD OUT OF THE BOAT AND INTO VIEW

DAPHNE

What's going on?

FRASIER

Daphne!

NILES STANDS UP REVEALING HIS TROUSERS ARE AROUND HIS ANKLES

ROZ

Oh no don't stand up. I've gone blind.

NILES QUICKLY PULLS THEM UP AS DAPHNE COVERS HER FACE WITH EMBARRASSMENT

FRASIER

Niles what are you doing?

NILES

Erm... looking for the Captain.

FRASIER

Well it seems you're looking very hard.

ROZ

Oh it is so easy to misinterpret that sentence.

DAPHNE

Oh you've found the Captain. Where was he?

FRASIER

In a mayonnaise jar below decks now let's all celebrate.

NILES

Why are you sitting on him? I thought you weren't interested.

FRASIER

I'm looking for a cheep thrill why do you think?

JUDGE RHINEHOLT FINALLY REACHES THEM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Hello there Judge Rhineholt.

RHINEHOLT

Now I remember you young lady.

ROZ

Oh dear God, no.

RHINEHOLT

You used to work for me. We had a bit of sex in the cleaning cupboard on the floor polisher. For three weeks my wife could see her reflection on my behind.

ROZ

I can assure you, that wasn't me. Although the idea does have a certain amount of class.

RHINEHOLT

Pity, I fancied a quick bunk-up.

FRASIER

It seems you're not the only one.

RHINEHOLT

What are you two doing in that lifeboat?

NILES

Erm...

RHINEHOLT

(SHOUTS) Are we sinking? Oh no, abandon ship, abandon ship. We're going down. Everyone in a lifeboat.

FRASIER

Keep your voice down. We are not sinking. Go and have some wine that's what you are here for after all.

JUDGE RHINEHOLT MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO THE MAIN DECK AS FRASIER AND ROZ GET OFF THE CAPTAIN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I am very mad at you two.

DAPHNE

Why?

NILES

It's not what it looks like.

FRASIER

So it doesn't look like you crept off to have sex in a lifeboat while we tried to salvage this tasting and more importantly your reputation.

NILES

Ok so it is what it looks like. But how do you know I wasn't doing something else, like fishing?

FRASIER

Well it would certainly be some bait on offer. You'd have a hard time explaining that in the emergency room.

ROZ

And I doubt very much that you could reach the water from all the way up here. Although I'd be very impressed if you could.

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Oh all right fine. How could I resist? Daphne's not wearing any underwear.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) Neither would it seem are you. Can't you keep little Niles caged for at least a small proportion of the day?

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Well you'd think. How could I say no?

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) It's very simple just say 'no'.

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) After my sex-starved existence can you blame me? I wouldn't hesitate if it were suggested at the top of the Space Needle. Tourists with video cameras wouldn't stop me.

ROZ

You are never again to make fun of my sex life, do you hear me?

NILES

Understood.

DAPHNE CLIMBS OUT OF THE LIFEBOAT

FRASIER

Now help us move him to the front of the boat.

DAPHNE

Why are we moving him there?

ROZ

So that Ginger and Gilligan can take care of him.

NILES

Who?

ROZ

Gilligan's Island. Don't you ever watch Nick At Night?

NILES

You know not as much as I'd like.

NILES TRIES TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT BUT HIS SASH IS CAUGHT ON SOMETHING

NILES (CONT'D)

Hold on my sash is caught on an ore. I've got it.

NILES STARTS TO PULL BACKWARDS TO GET IT FREE. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT COMES LOOSE, BUT THE FORCE OF HOW HARD NILES WAS PULLING SENDS HIM SPINNING BACK IN THE LIFEBOAT AND ALMOST OVERBOARD INTO THE WATER. FRASIER QUICKLY PUTS OUT AN ARM AND GRABS HIM

FRASIER

Oh yes, you drowning would truly cap off the evening.

AS NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE BOAT WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Captain, Coast Guard, Chapman, Waiters)

THE WAITERS ARE ALL BACK SERVING TO THE FEW PEOPLE WHO REMAIN TASTING THE WINE, EVERYONE ELSE IS NOW DANCING TO THE BAND. MARTIN STANDS AT THE BACK OF THE BOAT AS FRASIER, NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE APPROACH HIM

MARTIN

Am I glad you guys are back. That woman who looks like she escaped from Easter Island keeps winking at me.

FRASIER

Who? Nancy Myers?

NILES

She has a twitch in her eye, she winks at everyone.

FRASIER

How are the waiters doing?

MARTIN

They've been walking up and down the boat singing 'The Star Spangled Banner' apart from the one who was thanked and then began to weep uncontrollably.

NILES

Those seagulls are still there.

DAPHNE

Niles will you let it go.

FRASIER

Well as everything is back under control, would you like to dance Miss. Doyle?

ROZ

I don't mind if I do.

FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE TO THE GROUP OF PEOPLE DANCING

NILES

That's a good idea, would you like to dance?

MARTIN

Not now, my hips a bit stiff.

NILES

Not you.

DAPHNE

I'd love to.

NILES AND DAPHNE JOIN EVERYONE ELSE AND START TO DANCE

NILES

I'm beginning to think this whole cork master thing is a lot more trouble than it's worth. No one really cares about the wine like Frasier and I do.

DAPHNE

If you feel that way, just stop doing it. It doesn't stop the two of you getting together and enjoying wine. Although I have to say, despite all of the problems, it's actually been a really wonderful evening.

NILES

I couldn't agree more.

THEY KISS AND THE CAPTAIN COMES RUNNING FROM INSIDE

CAPTAIN

(SHOUTS) Dr. Crane you have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine, in fact...

BEFORE HE CAN FINISH HE IS SICK ON THE TABLE WITH THE REMAINING FOOD

NILES

Not on the salmon

DAPHNE

Now we definitely can't serve the rest of it.

COAST GUARD

(FROM THE WATER THROUGH A LOAD SPEAKER) This is the US Coast Guard.

SUDDENLY CHAPMAN JUMPS UP ON THE RAISED PLATFORM WHERE THE BAND HAS BEEN PLAYING

CHAPMAN

Everyone freeze, we have reason to believe that there are several illegal aliens on board.

THE WAITERS, UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS GOING ON, START TO RUN ABOUT THE FERRY IN A PANIC. SEVERAL JUMP OFF THE SIDE INTO THE WATER. THE ONE WAITER CARRYING A TRAY FULL OF FOOD ALSO STARTS TO RUN ABOUT IN A PANIC. THE SEAGULLS SEE THE TRAY OF FOOD RUNNING ABOUT THE DECK AND SWOOP DOWN TO FINALLY ATTACK IT, KNOCKING THE WAITER TO THE FLOOR. THE CAPTAIN FINALLY PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR AGAIN AND EVERYONE ELSE STARTS TO SCREAM AND PANIC. FRASIER, ROZ, NILES AND DAPHNE MAKE THEIR WAY BACK OVER TO MARTIN AND START DRINKING FROM THE WINE BOTTLES. AS THE COAST GUARD BOARD THE FERRY WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: THE FERRY IS EMPTY APART FROM FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE WHO SIT AND LOOK ABOUT THEM IN DISBELIEF. NILES TALKS AND PROTESTS HIS INNOCENCE TO A POLICEMAN WHO HAS THE MAN THAT NILES THREW THE SALMON AT STANDING WITH HIM. THE MAN POINTS AT NILES AND PRODUCES THE SALMON AS EVIDENCE.