I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Kate beat me to it in terms of bringing back a certain character. It'll teach me not to wait so long before I post these things.

Please help me! Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com so the cannibals won't eat me. I don't want to be digested. It doesn't sound particularly nice.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty
Quiz Show

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Jane (VO))

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS IN THE RADIO BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE AIR WITH A CALLER, JANE

FRASIER

Now I fully understand that you are upset about this Jane but don't you think that your reaction has been a little extreme to say the least?

JANE (VO)

I knew you'd take his side. All men must stick together. You're all the same you're all pigs. In fact I might get a more unbiased opinion off a pig than off you.

FRASIER

Just hear me out Jane. All Gary did was open the new bottle of 'Toilet Duck' before the old one was empty. This is not a criminal offence. It was an honest mistake. It's not as if he opened the new box of cereal before the old one was empty just to get the prize. And by the way Dad if you're listening, if you do that once more I will kill you, ex-ray glasses or no ex-ray glasses. And back to the point it's still no reason to make Gary spend the last month sleeping in a bassinet with a can of condensed milk, a pair of shoe trees and a piece of three week old road kill that you may or may not be able to make rheumatism oil from in the near future.

JANE (VO)

This is just men ganging up together. I knew this would happen. Roz you've got to agree with me on this.

ROZ

To be honest Jane I think you're a bit gar-gar and you've skipped several dosages of your medication. But please don't take that the wrong way.

JANE (VO)

Well listen here you little tramp...

ROZ

Don't you talk to me like that you freak of nature!

FRASIER

Ladies, ladies before this gets out of hand and we have to bring in a mud bath and a no hair pulling rule let's try to resolve this situation. Jane may I suggest that you and Gary take some time to look into couple's therapy. If not for your sake then for Gary's before he catches mange or worse the plague off that road kill. Well that's all for today Seattle, but before I go, let me take this opportunity to remind all my listeners about the upcoming quiz show being broadcast right here on KACL. I am to take part as well as many of your other favourite KACL hosts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now Roz what have we discussed time and time again about hurling abuse and sharp pointed objects at our callers?

ROZ

But Frasier...

FRASIER

Now Roz? Do I have to write it on the back of your hand with a magic marker again? Or shall I simply have it tattooed on your forehead?

ROZ

Only when the mike's off.

FRASIER

That's right. And on that subject I still have not forgotten or forgiven you for telling me I was off air when I clearly wasn't and I called that guy an anal retentive, closet homosexual drag queen.

ROZ

Oh what's the big deal? It was the truth.

FRASIER

He'd just been elected Senator. We outed Senator Paxton on the air. And from what I hear his wife and children weren't too happy to hear about it either. Although it did explain why her shoes were all stretched out to accommodate a size thirteen-foot. He's still sending me those live scorpions through the mail. Luckily I bribed Daphne into opening all my mail a few years ago.

ROZ

Anyway I've heard you yell at callers on the air.

FRASIER

When? In what parallel universe did this freak occurrence transpire?

ROZ

Last week, that guy who was so paranoid about getting burgled he stopped at home twenty-four hours a day with a shotgun, an assault rifle and a blowtorch.

FRASIER

That was a commercial. A rescue dog, a secure alarm, some strong sedatives and a Big Mac solved his problems. I think it's left up to your own imagination to guess what they were actually advertising. Don't you ever listen to my show?

ROZ

Not if I can help it. It interferes with my naptime. If I'm to keep up my stamina for my nightlife I have to sleep during the day.

FRASIER

It's so nice to know that my career is in such safe hands. Why don't I just let a cross-eyed, narcoleptic juggler perform with my most valuable, treasured, antique breakable possessions as well?

ROZ

Anyway about this quiz show. I've been doing a little reading for it.

FRASIER

I didn't realise you were taking part. I didn't assume it was something you'd be interested in. I'd always thought Blind Date was more up your seedy back alley.

ROZ

Of course I'm interested.

FRASIER

In the seedy back alley or the quiz? You do realise it's a general knowledge quiz? Not one of those that you find in the back of Cosmopolitan. I doubt there will be a question on finding your g-spot.

ROZ

Oh course I know that. If you're going to be my partner, shouldn't we get together to do a little studying, so we don't humiliate ourselves on air? I mean you do that everyday on your show, you probably should take a break for this quiz.

FRASIER

Oh you think we are going to be team mates.

ROZ

Yeah, why aren't we?

FRASIER

Well the rules state that as long as one member of the team works at the station it doesn't matter about the other.

ROZ

So what does that mean?

FRASIER

I was going to ask Niles.

ROZ

Oh I see, because he's smarter than I am. You don't want to be embarrassed by your brain dead producer is that what you're trying to say?

FRASIER

No that's what I've been trying really hard not to say.

ROZ

Oh fine. I don't need you, I'll do fine on my own.

FRASIER

Roz, honey, are you upset.

ROZ

Why because you dumped me? Oh course I'm not Frasier.

ROZ PRESSES HER PEN SO HARD ON HER CLIPBOARD THAT IT SNAPS IN TWO

FRASIER

Well it's nice to know you're not mad at me.

FRASIER GRABS HIS BRIEFCASE AND RUNS FROM THE BOOTH AS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'THE WHEEL OF TORTURE'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz)

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD BURIED IN SEVERAL TEXTBOOKS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT THE PIANO WHILE NILES PLAYS GERSHWIN QUIETLY

NILES

I was thinking about what we could do this summer, you know about where we can go on vacation.

DAPHNE

And? Have you come up with anything?

NILES

I came up with one thing, but it's where in the world you want to do it is the real question.

DAPHNE

You have a one-track mind. That would be a terrible thing to waste. Me Mom's been pestering me again, she wants us to spend a couple of weeks in Manchester with the family.

NILES

Well we can do that if you want to. Really I don't mind. After all I can only go insane once. And I'm sure the bleeding from my ears will stop eventually.

DAPHNE

Hell no. If we go away this summer, I want to be alone with you, not with you and a group of still angry relatives, hell bent on prodding and poking you with a red-hot poker and setting your suits on fire.

NILES

That's not so bad, it would be an improvement on our current relationship of four letter words and death threats.

DAPHNE

You do realise that you'll still be wearing the suit when they set fire to it? They call it a pair of hot pants. The only improvement you'll get is having a couple of hot crossed buns and since it's not Easter I don't think it's that appropriate. And it won't be much of a holiday for me to continually smother your body with lotion to ease the burns, although...

NILES

Well get your thinking cap on, I offer you the world. Except all places where the insects are bigger than my fist.

DAPHNE

How about a tour of Arizona in the Winnebago?

NILES

(MORTIFIED) Oh...well...that sounds lovely.

DAPHNE

Your lips say yes, but the beads of sweat and throbbing vein in your neck speak volumes.

NILES

That's because I'm excited at the prospect of being shacked up together in a Winnebago in the middle of the desert with nothing but a flea-ridden coyote and a drunk Navajo Indian to disturb and traumatise us.

DAPHNE

Oh say it again, it sounds so romantic. You really know how to get a girl all excited. Oh I'm only teasing.

NILES

What a shame. My hopes had been raised to new heights. How will I ever recover from this anti-climax?

DAPHNE

Well we could still...

NILES

Too late, motion carried, may we never speak of it again.

DAPHNE

You didn't complain last time that we were in the Winnebago. If I recall right you actually enjoyed it.

NILES

Well that was different. When you're experiencing a life changing moment you don't care where you are, but fortunately I was in the perfect place and the perfect place was in your arms.

HE KISSES HER

FRASIER

Niles will you get over here so we can study? Preferably before I become nauseous.

NILES

Oh do we have to.

FRASIER

Yes, now get over here. Daphne stop distracting him.

NILES STROLLS OVER TO FRASIER AND STANDS LOOKING AT THE BOOKS

NILES

This is actually like school all over again. The two of us studying together for a big test like old times. Except now I'm having sex as well.

FRASIER

Not now you're not so sit down.

NILES SITS DOWN AND FRASIER PLACES A LARGE GENERAL KNOWLEDGE TEXT BOOK ON HIS LAP AS MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR DRAGGING A LARGE BOX

MARTIN

Will one of you boys give me a hand with this?

FRASIER

Sorry my backs been a bit tender lately. If I lift so much as a sesame seed I won't be able to move for weeks.

MARTIN

Gee wouldn't that be a tragedy.

NILES

I would but I have weak calves.

MARTIN GLARES AT THEM BOTH

NILES (CONT'D)

Don't give me that look, I inherited them off you. If you want to blame someone blame yourself.

DAPHNE WALKS OVER AND PICKS UP THE BOX

DAPHNE

Never mind, let the woman do it. I wouldn't want either of you to break a nail or ruin your make-up. What the bloody hell have you got in here anyway?

DAPHNE PLACES IT ON THE TABLE. MARTIN OPENS THE LID AND PULLS FROM IT ANOTHER STUFFED BEAVER LAST SEEN IN 'A FOOL SUCH AS I'. IT IS WEARING MAKE-UP, A DRESS AND A WIG. FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED

FRASIER

Oh no not again. I thought the invasion had stopped. I knew I should have invested in some beaver repellent.

MARTIN

Yep, my secret admirer is back.

NILES

And by the looks of it their taste hasn't improved. If it had I suppose they'd be sending you sporting ferrets instead of sporting beavers by now.

FRASIER

Oh yes because a dead ferret would be so much classier then a dead beaver. The Royal family has dozens on them scattered around Buckingham Palace. Quick Daphne turn on the garbage disposal before it has a change to settle.

MARTIN

Hey you can't do that.

DAPHNE

Of course I can, I turn the tap on and flick a switch. It just shows how much you use it.

MARTIN

I didn't mean that.

FRASIER

I'm pretty sure Dad it wouldn't feel a thing, but to make you feel a little better, shall I give it a bottle of sedatives and a shot of whiskey before hand?

NILES WALKS OVER AND EXAMINES THE BEAVER

NILES

What is it supposed to be playing anyway? I may not be much of a sports man but I'm pretty sure they don't wear flowing dresses and make-up to play baseball. They'd get a run in their pantyhose while sliding in the dirt. Is it a participant in a drag race maybe?

MARTIN

This isn't from the sporting collection. It's the early Hollywood collection. This one is Bette Davis in 'All About Eve'.

DAPHNE

Of course it is, I don't know why I didn't guess that earlier. So am I to understand this is what Bette Davis would have looked like if she was a beaver and was beaten about the head and neck with a shovel?

NILES

It's just a shame it's not a classic television collection. I'm sure the 'Leave It To Beaver' one is a real collector's item in taxidermist circles.

MARTIN

It can't stay here.

FRASIER

You took the words right out of mouth.

NILES

Can't she afford the rent? That's the problem these days there are just no good roles for beavers in the motion picture industry. Possums on the other hand make absolute fortunes. Except of course they have a nasty habit of soiling the red carpet at premieres. I guess it's just through excitement.

MARTIN

I can't keep it. Especially considering the way Eddie attacked the last one and with the way his hormones are racing at the moment, I'd rather not give him a target to aim at. That's just asking for trouble. It's already dead the least I can do is prevent it the indignity of being violated by a dog as well.

DAPHNE

This is just dressed up road kill. You can still see the tire mark running down its back. Oh and look at this, it looks as if it had a piece of gum stuck in the tread when it hit it.

FRASIER

That's a vital clue Daphne to find the murderer. Now all we have to do is comb the entire country looking for a car with a piece of gum in its tread and the case of the 'Flattened Beaver' can be put to rest.

NILES

Well with any luck it was mowed down in the prime of its life by a BMW or a Mercedes rather than something as awful as a hatchback. When that happens you can rest happily in heaven at peace with the world.

DAPHNE

I'm sure that's what its first concern was. 'Never mind that my organs are splattered about the road, I'm about to die and all my children are going to become orphans and starve to death, wasn't that a fabulous looking car. I wonder if it has all leather interiors and electric windows.'

FRASIER

Niles, can we get back to our studies?

NILES

I am studying.

FRASIER

I hardly think there will be a question on road kill.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN

NILES

What are we going to do if there's a question on sports?

FRASIER

Panic and fake a migraine.

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES

And the memories of the school spelling bee come flooding back. It was just ironic that what you were claiming was wrong with you was also the same word that you couldn't spell.

MARTIN

I was just grateful that the word was migraine and not menopause. I'd never have lived that down at the station.

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR, ROZ ENTERS CARRYING SOME QUIZ BOOKS

DAPHNE

Hello Roz.

ROZ

Hi Daphne.

FRASIER

Hello Roz what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be turning back the clock to your college days? Studying I mean not sleeping with your professors. Although I actually expect you did very little sleeping.

ROZ

I've told you, I needed the extra credit. But since you asked I've come to spy on what you're reading. I wasn't sure which book was more appropriate to read, Dr. Seuss or the instruction manual for my freezer. (SHE SEES THE BEAVER) Oh not again.

MARTIN

Yeah again.

ROZ

Do you know whose sending them to you?

MARTIN

Just my secret admirer, who ever that is.

FRASIER

Trust me they don't admirer you that much to keep sending you dead things in dresses through the mail.

ROZ

And you of all people should know a thing or two about that. Anyway Daphne here are those books to glance over.

FRASIER

Books?

ROZ

That's right, Daphne is my partner in the quiz show.

FRASIER

Since when?

ROZ

Since you told me I was too stupid to be your partner.

FRASIER

I didn't say that. I implied it but I didn't say it.

NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE

NILES

So you've got to start hitting the books as well. Do you fancy a study session with me later? I'll bring freshly sharpened pencils and a hole punch.

DAPHNE

How can I resist such a tempting offer? Although it depends on what subject we're studying.

NILES

The human anatomy.

FRASIER

Niles sit back down and read.

NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS FRASIER ASKS

MARTIN

This will only end in tears.

FRASIER

Yes Roz's when we completely crush and humiliate her.

ROZ

In your dreams, I'm going to have you eating your words.

FRASIER

Oh come on Roz, I am by far and away the smartest person at that radio station, I'm expected to win. Surely you can see that with you as my partner well that would only...

ROZ

Impede your chances?

FRASIER

Yes... I mean no. I wouldn't want you to feel overshadowed by my staggering intellect.

MARTIN

Oh boy, open up a window.

ROZ

So actually you're doing me a favour?

FRASIER

Exactly.

MARTIN

One word. Egomaniac.

ROZ

Well thanks for the favour Frasier and in return I'm going to do something for you.

FRASIER

Which is?

ROZ

Burst your bubble. Because Daphne and I are going to completely wipe the floor with you two. Right Daphne?

DAPHNE

You leave me out of this. I said I'd be your partner not help you invade Poland.

ROZ

By the time we're through you're going to be begging for mercy rather then sex for a change.

FRASIER

Only if there happens to be round of questions on the social life down on the docks or psychic vibrations received through blenders.

ROZ

This is war Crane, prepare to be annihilated.

FRASIER

I should say the same to you, Doyle.

ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER

MARTIN

It's nice to see that this friendly competition isn't getting out of control.

FRASIER

Right Niles let's continue with our study.

DAPHNE

Now all the hair pulling, eye gauging and fish hooking has stopped, I think I'm going to have an early night.

FRASIER

Goodnight Daphne.

MARTIN

Night Daph.

DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM WITH NILES FOLLOWING

FRASIER

Wait a second where do you think you are going?

NILES

Do I need to tell you? Can't you just follow my eye line and interpret my devilish looks? (FRASIER LOOKS BLANKLY AT NILES) When I have one eyebrow raised it only means one thing.

FRASIER

No fraternising with the enemy thankyou very much. You get back here and study.

NILES

Excuse me?

FRASIER

You heard me. If you are going to be my partner for this, there is to be no socialising with the other competitors. And that means not seeing Daphne. We need every spare moment to study.

NILES

But...

FRASIER

No buts, especially Daphne's. She is the enemy and will be treated as such. Roz may get her to weasel information out of you. You can use the extra time to study.

DAPHNE

What a dilemma. So what's it to be Niles?

NILES STARES AT BOTH FRASIER AND DAPHNE WITH A DESPERATE AND CONFUSED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE, UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO

NILES

Don't make me choose please. I'll flip a coin.

DAPHNE

Now don't I just feel so special? Are you sure you wouldn't rather us play rock, paper scissors?

FRASIER

Come here Niles.

DAPHNE

Come on Niles.

NILES BEGINS TO BREAK OUT IN A SWEAT

FRASIER

If you abandon me now I shall remember it when it's time to pass out my kidneys and bone marrow.

DAPHNE

You look awfully tense. I'll give you a nice massage.

NILES' HEAD GOES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM SO OFTEN IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS WATCHING A TENNIS MATCH

MARTIN

They do the same thing in court when trying to determine the ownership of a dog. But I think that's a little more dignified.

NILES IS PRACTICALLY DYING NOT KNOWING WHICH WAY TO GO. FINALLY HE LOOKS AT FRASIER AND SIGHS

NILES

Frasier are you trying to kill me? When's this quiz show over?

DAPHNE

(SURPRISED) OK then Niles, you enjoy your studies and I'll see you when the quiz is over. (STICKING THE KNIFE IN) Blimey it's a bit hot tonight. I won't be getting a wink of sleep, I'll have to find something to occupy me all night long. I think I'll sleep naked that might make me feel better, but I'll still probably be soaked with sweat with the sheets clinging to me in the morning. Well goodnight sweetie.

DAPHNE KISSES HIM LONG AND HARD, MAKING HIM GO WEAK AT THE KNEES AND EXITS TO HER ROOM. NILES STARTS TO FOLLOW HER ALMOST ON HIS KNEES

FRASIER

Niles sit!

NILES

This had better be worth it. I'm going to get some ice.

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

But you're drinking sherry.

MARTIN

He doesn't mean for his drink.

AS FRASIER LOOKS AT ANOTHER GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOK WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Kenny, Frasier, Gill, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Mark)

FRASIER, NILES, GILL AND MARK ALL SIT WITH THEIR HEADPHONES ON IN THE BOOTH. KENNY SITS IN BETWEEN THEM ACTING AS QUIZ MASTER. ROZ AND DAPHNE ARE VISIBLE THROUGH THE GLASS WATCHING

KENNY

That is an incorrect answer Gill. I'll pass it across to Frasier.

FRASIER

The answer is road kill.

FRASIER AND NILES GIVE EACH OTHER AN AMAZED EXPRESSION THAT, THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION HAS COME UP

GILL

Not something you'd normally find on my menu unless of course my beastly in-laws are visiting. Oops I probably shouldn't have said that on the radio.

NILES' VISION DRIFTS AND HE STARES AT DAPHNE THROUGH THE GLASS

KENNY

That's correct. Niles all you have to do is answer this question correctly and you and Frasier are through to the next round. Are you ready Niles? Niles? Niles?

FRASIER

(NUDGING HIM) Niles!

NILES

Sorry I drifted off a little there. It was a soft and comforting place with a welcome mat at the entrance with my name on it in big letters.

FRASIER

At this moment in time you've been evicted and your clothes are on fire scattering on the lawn. Will you concentrate! Stop looking out that window.

KENNY

OK Niles just answer this correctly to go through to the next round. In which Shakespearean play does the line "that when I waked I cried to dream again" come from?

RESET TO:

INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ

Oh great why don't you just ask him his shoe size or his name for God's sake.

DAPHNE

What's your problem?

ROZ

I wanted them to loose.

DAPHNE

But you said we were going to wipe the floor with them. What happened to total annihilation?

ROZ

We aren't going to stand a chance against them, our only hope was if they got knocked out first. And what exactly did you expect me to say after he practically said I was a descendant of Forest Gump?

RESET TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

NILES

That quote is taken from 'The Tempest'.

KENNY

That is correct. Game four goes to Frasier and Niles making them winners by three games to one. I'll see you both tomorrow for the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle and tune in tomorrow for the next round of the KACL Host Quiz Show.

THEY GO OFF AIR AS THEY ALL STAND AND SHAKE HANDS

FRASIER

Good game Gill, good game.

GILL

Congratulations. Fortunately I am a very gracious looser. And at home I have a crate of Napa Valley Merlot with my name on it to make sure of that fact.

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT INTO THE CORRIDOR

RESET TO:

INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY GO TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE OF MAGNETS

DAPHNE

Congratulations.

NILES

Thankyou very much. God it's good to see you.

FRASIER

Well, well, well Roz. What are you doing here? Here to see what a landslide performance looks like? Or here to throw in the towel?

ROZ SEES NILES AND DAPHNE HUGGING

ROZ

No just to see who we are playing in the next round. (TO NILES) Excuse me, get your paws off her. No sex with the enemy.

DAPHNE

We're in a radio station corridor it's hardly likely that we're going to be having sex, although not out of the question. There's a significant difference between a KACL quiz show and the Howard Stern show you know.

ROZ

I mean it. Frasier may get him to try to weasel information out of you.

FRASIER

I doubt they'll be a question on Teen USA so why would I bother?

DAPHNE

Fine, we won't see each other until after it's finished.

KENNY ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH

FRASIER

So Kenny who do we play in the next round?

KENNY

Roz and Daphne.

ROZ

Excuse me?

KENNY

Hey that should be interesting. You four competing. Wow, call a referee with a stun gun.

ROZ

(COVERING) Really? Well good. It's time to wipe that smug, condescending grin off your face. Preferably with the sole of my shoe. If you're lucky I may clean it first.

KENNY

May the best man win.

FRASIER

(OOZING CONFIDENCE) I'm sure he will.

NILES GUIDES DAPHNE DOWN THE CORRIDOR SO HE CAN TALK TO HER

NILES

Then I'll see you tomorrow my love

THEY GO TO KISS BUT FRASIER GABS THE BACK OF NILES' COLLAR AND DRAGS HIM AWAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR BEFORE THEY HAVE CHANCE TO MAKE CONTACT. AS THEY BOTH EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'THE PRICE IS RIGHT'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Martin)

FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN HAVE THEIR HEADS STUCK IN GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOKS AS MARTIN READS THE PAPER. NILES KEEPS GLANCING TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER

Will you stop staring at her door and look at this? I don't want two holes burnt into my woodwork thankyou very much.

NILES

This is ridiculous. It's taking this competitive streak of yours way too far. And I don't want to be dragged into it.

FRASIER

I don't care I have to beat Roz.

MARTIN

What's the big deal? I thought the whole reason you didn't want Roz as your partner was because you thought she was 'getting your foot stuck down the toilet' kind of stupid.

FRASIER

Well she is. Although it wasn't her foot it was her head while she was in college. Although why she couldn't retrieve her earring with her hand instead of her teeth I'll never know.

NILES

My guess would be tequila shooters and some magic brownies.

NILES SNEAKS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO TYPE A MESSAGE

MARTIN

If that's the case why are you swotting up more than you did against anyone else?

FRASIER

I just want to make sure, that if by some sort of freak of nature, hell freezes over, pig's start to fly, and she stands a chance of beating me that I'll be able to crush her. I won't rule out even the remote possibility of the pair of them beating us. Oh by the way a letter came for you this morning Dad, I forgot to give it to you. Here you are.

FRASIER HANDS HIM THE LETTER AND MARTIN OPENS IT

MARTIN

Thanks.

FRASIER

(TO NILES) What are you doing?

NILES

Nothing.

NILES TRIES TO HIDE HIS PHONE BUT FRASIER SNATCHES IT OFF HIM

FRASIER

Yes you are, what are you doing? Are you sending Daphne text messages in her room?

NILES

Maybe.

FRASIER

For God's sake Niles.

NILES

Well this is ridiculous. Because of you and Roz at battle stations I'm not allowed to even see her. Today in Nervosa as I walked past Daphne, I admittedly kissed the back of her head and Roz poured a latte down my pants. And to be honest I don't know how you think that denying me sex over the next few days so I can study is going to improve our chances in the first place. I'm currently so horny I can barely see straight.

MARTIN

It's probably not a good idea for you to drive home then.

NILES

I can't concentrate.

FRASIER

Oh get a grip. Dad and I aren't having sex either, do you hear us complaining?

NILES

Constantly. And by the way if you ever say that in public, you might want to add that you and Dad aren't having sex 'with any women' or it may raise some eyebrows.

MARTIN

Think yourself lucky. Boxers spend months before a big fight celibate. If those guys can do it you can.

NILES

There's a slight difference. I'm not a beefy sports man.

FRASIER

He's just barely a man.

NILES

And I'm not celibate for a sporting event, it's for a radio quiz show. Has the world gone mad!

MARTIN

Well I'm sure your intellectuals do the same thing. Albert Einstein for example.

NILES

Oh yes I'm sure that Einstein not getting any helped form his theory of relativity.

MARTIN

You never know.

FRASIER

It's only for one more night. You'll cope, now let's take your mind of it by studying. The erection of Eiffel Tower was completed...

NILES

This particular line of study isn't helping.

NILES BEGINS TO SWEAT AND FIDGET, THE MORE FRASIER SPEAKS

FRASIER

OK, the male reproductive system of a goat? Not a good idea either. The Hump Back Whale? No. The making of traditional Toby Jugs? No. Freud's theory on penis envy, I think we can just skip over that. The inventor of jello? Maybe we should skip the study and watch a little TV documentary.

BY THIS POINT NILES IS BEGINNING TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY AS FRASIER PUTS DOWN THE BOOK AND TURNS ON THE TV

NARRATOR

(ON TV) The much larger male then mounts the lesser female.

NILES BURIES HIS HEAD BEHIND A CUSHION AS FRASIER TURNS OFF THE TV

NILES

I can't take any more, I'm kicking down that door.

FRASIER

Ok what if I made this abstained period worth your while. Stay out here and study with me tonight and I'll give you something.

NILES

Continue.

MARTIN BEGINS TO READ HIS LETTER AND BECOMES VISUALLY UPSET THE MORE HE READS

FRASIER

I don't know, what do you want?

NILES

We all know what I want but you and Roz won't let me. How about you pay for Daphne and I to go on vacation?

FRASIER

OK fine, but only in the Winnebago.

NILES

No deal.

FRASIER

OK fine, but not too far.

SFX: NILES' PHONE BEEPS

NILES

Oh a message. I wonder what Daphne has to say?

FRASIER

Oh all right, anywhere in the world.

NILES

First class.

FRASIER

Coach

NILES

No I said first class not no class.

FRASIER

Fine, but we'd better win.

NILES

Then we have a deal. I'll speak to you tomorrow sweetheart. I can cope, all I have to do is not think about sex.

NILES THEN GLANCES AT THE MESSAGE THAT DAPHNE HAS SENT HIM AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN. FRASIER SEES THIS AND TAKES THE PHONE OFF HIM.

FRASIER

What is it?

FRASIER READS THE MESSAGE AND HIS EYES BECOME WIDE. HE THEN SWITCHES OFF THE PHONE AND LEAVES IT ON THE ISLAND.

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Not under my roof you don't! It's illegal in forty states to begin with. Right now on to our study. Ah here's something interesting, the official name for the uniform worn by French chambermaids. Perhaps we'd better come back to that one as well. Dad are you all right?

MARTIN

I'm fine.

NILES

Dad what's wrong?

MARTIN

Nothing.

FRASIER

Dad?

MARTIN

I said I'm fine, now drop it.

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE LETTER WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. MCGINTY'S BAR — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Bartender, Martin, Sherry)

MARTIN SITS AT THE BAR AS THE BARTENDER APPROACHES

BARTENDER

Here to watch the game Marty?

ENTER SHERRY

MARTIN

No, just meeting someone. Here she is. Hi Sherry.

SHERRY

Hello Marty. You look great.

MARTIN

Thankyou, so do you.

SHERRY

Thanks.

A BEAT

MARTIN

Shall we sit down?

SHERRY

Yeah.

THEY SIT AT A TABLE. A LONG BEAT

SHERRY (CONT'D)

So what's it been? Three years?

MARTIN

Something like that yeah.

A BEAT

SHERRY

So what's new?

MARTIN

Not a lot. I'm still living with Frasier, still hanging out here. I've still got that boil. Niles and Daphne finally got together.

SHERRY

Really? That's great.

MARTIN

Listen Sherry I don't want to appear rude, but can we come back to the small talk and the chit chat and get to the point. Why did you want to meet me?

SHERRY

I just wanted to see you.

MARTIN

And the beavers?

SHERRY

I just thought you'd like them. The Cary Grant one from 'North By Northwest' really reminded me of you.

MARTIN

Just for the record, I don't have a dislocated leg and a tire mark across me abdomen. At the end of the day Sherry, what's changed?

SHERRY

What do you mean?

MARTIN

Where do you see this going? Marriage?

SHERRY

Yes I do.

MARTIN

Honestly? Or are you just feeling a little lonely and looking for some companionship? I know I sure as heck am.

SHERRY

I've missed you.

MARTIN

That still doesn't mean, that you want to marry me. I want to get married again. I would get back together with you in an instant Sherry. And not just to tick Frasier and Niles off either. I still have feelings for you. But you have to ask yourself, a year down the line, will we be having this conversation all over again?

SHERRY

I guess we will.

MARTIN

Then I'm sorry.

SHERRY

I understand. I should leave.

MARTIN

Wait, what's wrong with a couple of old friends having a drink?

SHERRY

Nothing.

MARTIN

Then what can I get you?

AS THEY ORDER A DRINK WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'THE WEAKEST SHRINK'

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Kenny)

FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, NILES AND KENNY ARE ALL SITTING IN THE BOOTH GETTING READY AND PUTTING THEIR HEADPHONES ON

FRASIER

So Roz are you ready?

ROZ

Absolutely. Let the battle commence.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) Hello. Why didn't you answer any of my messages? It was the only form of communication we had left since we ruled out telepathy and it was too dark to hire a sky writer.

NILES

He wouldn't let me. He put my phone in his pants pocket and there was no way that I was going in there to retrieve it. Anyway I can't talk now you're on the other team.

DAPHNE

Oh here we go again. Why do you Crane boys have to turn into such competitive freaks? God help our children. Good luck.

NILES

Thankyou.

DAPHNE

You'll need it because we rule.

NILES

Now who's the competitive freak?

DAPHNE

Yes but you love it!

KENNY

I want a fair fight. No hair pulling, understand?

FRASIER

I don't think even Roz would stoop to that.

KENNY

I meant you Doc. You have no hair to pull. (GOING ON AIR) Hello Seattle and welcome to round four of our KACL hosts quiz show. I'm Kenny Daily, station manager and I'll be your quiz master. Today we have an interesting competition to say the least. Dr. Frasier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane against the producer of the Dr. Frasier Crane show, Roz Doyle and Niles' girlfriend Daphne Moon. Expect the fur to fly. This is a real battle of the boys against the girls. And on to the first round.

AS KENNY SPEAKS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

AS DAPHNE TRIES TO THINK OF AN ANSWER, ROZ AND KENNY GIVE HER ENCOURAGEMENT AS FRASIER AND NILES SMIRK AT HER AND PULL FACES

KENNY

Daphne I'm going to have to rush you.

DAPHNE

Sorry I can't think of it. And it doesn't help with the two girls over there sticking their tongues out at us. Stick it out once more and I shall slam it in the door. If I did it to that Policeman on that day trip to Blackpool I won't be afraid to do it here.

ROZ

You're such a pair of children.

FRASIER

Oh big words, just because you're loosing.

NILES

We'll let you forfeit now if you want. Or are you hoping your psychic powers will give you an advantage?

NILES SUDDENLY REALISES WHAT HE'S SAID, COVERS HIS MOUTH AND LOOKS VERY GUILTY AND SORRY

DAPHNE

I'll remember that.

KENNY

Frasier I'll pass it across.

FRASIER

The answer Kenny is Martin Luther King.

KENNY

That is correct.

FRASIER AND NILES JUMP UP AND GIVE EACH OTHER THE HIGH-FIVE

NILES

Yes.

FRASIER

Oh we're bad! Bring it on girls.

FRASIER AND NILES THEN DO A VICTORY DANCE BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN

DAPHNE

Have you got something we can hose them down with? Preferably something flammable?

KENNY

OK Niles back to you with the next question. How many earth years does it take...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND KENNY ALL SIT AS BEFORE

KENNY

Niles name the silent Russian film made in 1925 featuring the famous sequence 'Odessea Steps'.

NILES

That would be 'The Battle Ship Potempkim'

KENNY

That is correct.

NILES JUMPS UP IN CELEBRATION

NILES

Yes I score again.

DAPHNE

Well savour it because it'll be the last time you say that for quite a while.

NILES

Really?

DAPHNE

Yes, and remember I'm psychic. I can see further into the future than your average Joe. But then you don't believe in that do you?

ROZ

How the hell did you know that?

NILES

I read.

ROZ

So do I.

NILES

I'm referring to books not some perverts personal ad on a public restroom wall.

KENNY

As we head into the break the boys have a lead of two games to one, needing the next one to clinch a place in the next round.

THEY GO OFF AIR AND NILES ETCHES TOWARDS DAPHNE

NILES

Hi Daphne.

DAPHNE

Hadn't you better get back over there with your brother?

NILES

Oh he won't mind.

DAPHNE

I meant before I stick my nails somewhere very painful.

AS NILES MOVES AWAY WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

THEY ARE OFF AIR AND AS KENNY TALKS TO ROZ AND DAPHNE, FRASIER QUESTIONS NILES, WHO HAS A GLAZED LOOK ON HIS FACE

FRASIER

What is wrong with you?

NILES

Nothing.

FRASIER

They've pulled back level. Anyone would think you'd developed narcolepsy.

NILES

I'm sorry I can't help it if I make some honest mistakes.

FRASIER

Forgetting Salman Rushdie's name and calling him Robin Hood instead is not an honest mistake. It's stupidity brought on by your hormones.

NILES

This is all your fault. I told you I couldn't concentrate.

ROZ

What's the matter Niles? Has the hamster fallen off its wheel inside your brain?

DAPHNE

Fallen off? I think it's had a stroke.

FRASIER

He's just been trying to get your hopes up.

DAPHNE

Good because he won't be getting anything else up in the foreseeable future.

NILES

I have three magic words for you. I love you.

DAPHNE

I have two magic words for you and one of them is 'off'.

NILES TURNS TO FRASIER AND STARTS TO SLAP HIS ARM AS THEY GO ON AIR

KENNY

As we come back from that commercial break with the score at two games all we head into the tiebreak. The tiebreak consists on five questions, buzz in if you know the answer. If you answer incorrectly the question goes to the other side. OK. How many members are there in the Backstreet Boys?

SFX: ROZ'S BUZZER

ROZ

Five.

KENNY

Correct.

NILES

(TO FRASIER) Who?

FRASIER

I'm guessing some back alley illegal surgical team. Maybe you should get them to find some life between your ears.

KENNY

One, nothing to the girls. Who wrote the play 'Hay Fever'?

SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER

FRASIER

Noel Coward.

KENNY

Correct one all. What is the Capital of North Dakota?

SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER

FRASIER

Bismarck.

KENNY

Correct, two, one. Which brothers played for England in the 1966 World Cup Finals?

SFX: DAPHNE'S BUZZER

FRASIER

That's not fair.

DAPHNE

Oh and the question on Freud was?

FRASIER

Well maybe if you listened to my show once in a while...

DAPHNE

You'd come home from work to find my head resting in a puddle of drool and Eddie gnawing at my ankle. The answer is Jack and Bobby Charlton.

KENNY

Correct, two all. Who ever answers this one correctly goes through to the next round. What Lake stretching from Arizona to Utah has a coastline bigger then that of the United States?

SFX: NILES' BUZZER

NILES STARES AT BOTH THE DESPERATE FACES OF ROZ AND DAPHNE

NILES

Erm... Lake Mead?

KENNY

That is incorrect I'll pass it across.

DAPHNE

Lake Powell.

KENNY

Correct the girls win on the tiebreak. Congratulations and you're through to the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle, we'll be back tomorrow...

FRASIER

Thankyou for not gloating.

BOTH ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND AND START TO DANCE

ROZ

(SINGING) You're not singing any more.

DAPHNE

(SINGING) You're not singing any more!

FRASIER

Well thankyou for not gloating on air.

KENNY

...At the same time, and now to Chopper Dave with a traffic report. Sorry Doc you cut me off there.

DAPHNE

I knew all those years standing on the terraces at the football chanting with all the yobs would eventually pay off. (SINGING) You're not singing anymore!

AS ROZ AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO SING AND DANCE WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Man)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE DOOR, BOTH LOOKING GLUM

FRASIER

I will kill you for this. I am literally going to nail your eyelids to this table.

NILES

Like you know where to buy a hammer let alone a nail. And boo-hoo anyway, so we lost, I'll be lucky if Daphne speaks to me again, let alone does anything else to me the way I behaved in there. My competitive nature got the better of me again.

FRASIER

Roz isn't going to be able to resist rubbing my nose in it.

NILES

Even I don't think she's petty enough to actually gloat.

ENTER ROZ AND DAPHNE STILL CELEBRATING. THEY SIT NEAR THE COUNTER

ROZ

Crack open the coffee because a round of victory latte's are on us. Only for the women of course. We are the winners, the women through to the final, so guys if you want us to autograph your buns form a line by the restroom.

NILES

Than again I may be wrong.

FRASIER

Something that seems to be happening frequently today.

NILES

Oh let it go.

ROZ

(TO THE WAITRESS) Can you send two over there to the loser's table. They need a little cheering up. Send that along with some humble pie.

FRASIER

I heard that.

ROZ

You were supposed to. Why else would I raise my voice? Oh yet another question you can't answer.

FRASIER

Still I'll give her, her moment in the sun. I guess deep down I'm a little proud of her. Still if it weren't for your suddenly mental meltdowns we would have won.

NILES

Oh we lost fair and square. They just knew more general knowledge then we did. Just look how happy it's made them.

FRASIER

I guess you're right, I just don't want to admit it. They've both actually surprised me a great deal.

NILES

Frasier I've just made a momentous decision.

FRASIER

Oh you've decided to order some biscotti?

NILES

No. And may I say your life must be such a constant nightmare when the biggest most momentous decision is whether or not to order biscotti.

FRASIER

When did you make this decision?

NILES

While you were talking, I had to think of something to occupy me to pass the time.

FRASIER

And what would this decision be?

NILES

I'm going to ask Daphne to marry me.

FRASIER

Really? What's brought this on?

NILES

This separation over the past few days has made me realise I can't live without her.

FRASIER

Niles it's been three days. She was in the next room while we studied for a quiz not trekking the Amazon and fighting off Pigmy attacks.

NILES

Even so. Well I've been thinking about it for a while.

FRASIER

For how long?

NILES

Since the moment I laid eyes on her.

FRASIER

I'm sure that's what you'll tell her to score some extra points, but honestly how long?

NILES

A couple of months.

FRASIER

Are you going to do it now?

NILES

God no. I want to get her a ring and I think it would be appropriate to be on speaking terms with her before I do. And I don't want to kneel down on this floor taking into account how sticky it is of late. It's like walking over a layer of tar.

FRASIER

This is wonderful. The proposal not the tar obviously.

DAPHNE

Right well as much as I'd like to stay here and celebrate, I must be getting home.

ROZ

So soon why?

DAPHNE

Because he's my boss and he's already got a face like a smacked arse because we beat him, I don't want to face the wrath of him having no clean shirts and no dinner as well.

ROZ

A woman's work is never done.

DAPHNE

Well that and I'm betting that when I walk out that door, they'll be someone not far behind me crawling and wanting to apologise for the way they spoke to me in that radio booth. Add to that fact that the apartment is empty and the result is we've got a lot of apologising to catch up on.

ROZ

OK now I understand. Bye Daph I'll see you tomorrow.

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE DOOR

DAPHNE

Bye Roz. Goodbye Dr. Crane, (TO NILES) Dr. Crane.

DAPHNE EXITS

NILES

This is wonderful. One quiz with you and we're no longer on a first name basis. Well never mind maybe in another seven years I'll have reached this point again, ruined a wedding and have another ex-wife to add to the collection.

FRASIER

Oh quit complaining. I'm paying for you to go on vacation aren't I?

NILES

Oh believe me you're going to pay. Now I must go and apologise to the woman I love. I would advise you to do the same.

NILES EXITS AS FRASIER MOVES TO ROZ'S TABLE

FRASIER

Roz can I talk to you?

ROZ

OK but remember to talk slow and don't use any big words, you don't want to confuse me. When that happens I have the tendency to run about the room screaming and repeatedly bang my head on the wall.

FRASIER

I'm sorry all right. I was rude, patronising, and disrespectful and I'm sorry I hurt you.

ROZ

Then what was your problem?

FRASIER

We come from very different walks of life Roz. I've just always thought of myself as superior to you because of our educational backgrounds. I of all people should know not to judge a book by its cover.

ROZ

Except when they have naked women all over them. Then your first instincts are usually right.

FRASIER

Well I'm a doctor. I've been to medical school.

ROZ

I'm glad to hear that. The penalty for impersonating a doctor is pretty steep and you'd be as defenceless as a little girl in prison. You'd be sold in the space of five minutes for a carton of cigarettes.

FRASIER

My callers look up to and respect me. How were they going to do that when my producer knows than I do?

ROZ

You do have to have a brain to do my job Frasier, if you didn't they'd have monkey's doing it. Although I'm not saying they don't, have you seen Gill's new producer?

FRASIER

I heard he was turned down for the 'Plant of the Apes' movie for being too hairy.

ROZ

You seem to think that you're far superior to everyone and you're hell bent on proving that. You don't have to win everything Frasier. We all know how intelligent you are. Your callers respect you, if they didn't they wouldn't call. No one cares about a quiz.

A MAN WALKS PAST AND OVERHEARS

FRASIER

I know. I'm sorry Roz. I just have to face the fact that I'm some sort of competitive freak. I was a pompous, snob and I promise to never treat you that way again. I'm glad it's you that beat me, I'm proud to have had a pair of ladies like you and Daphne beat me.

MAN

What are you a dominatrix? Can I get your phone number? What are you looking at me like that for? Oh it's not what you think. It's for my kid's birthday party. The hooker I had booked cancelled on me.

ROZ

Don't touch me.

MAN

(TO FRASIER) How about you? Do you do that kind of thing? Sometimes beggars can't be choosers. I'm not fussy.

FRASIER

Well I am, now be gone.

AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Daphne, Niles)

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND IN THE LIVING ROOM DOING THE IRONING

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) It's open.

ENTER NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh hello. What can I do for you? (UNDER HER BREATH) Like I can't already guess.

NILES

Daphne I am so sorry about today.

DAPHNE

Just today? You're not sorry you chose your brother and a bunch of dusty books over me and a can of whipped cream?

NILES

Oh you have no idea how sorry I am about that. But it was only for a few days. And I'm sorry for the way I behaved today. My competitive nature got the better of me again. I think it's hereditary.

DAPHNE

Like your weak calves.

NILES

Exactly. So am I forgiven?

DAPHNE

Of course you are. You know I can't stay mad at you. And I must also apologise for the way I spoke to you today.

NILES WALKS UP BEHIND HER AND STARTS TO KISS HER NECK

NILES

Forget about it. Anyway I have some good news. In exchange for becoming celibate for a few days Frasier will pay for our vacation. And in what better way to punish him for keeping us apart then by shattering his bank balance on a tropical beach? Just you, me lying in the sun, drinking from a coconut.

DAPHNE

Really?

NILES

Really. Does this mean that I'm forgiven for choosing him over you as well?

DAPHNE

Call it on probation. Is it getting hot in here?

NILES

I wish I could take all the credit, but you're still holding on to the iron.

THEY HUG FOR A BEAT

DAPHNE

I have to ask you something. Did you throw the quiz today? I know you knew the answer to that last question.

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WHILE DAPHNE REMAINS BY THE ISLAND

NILES

I've never thrown anything in my life. Except the odd tantrum, which I learnt from Maris. Maybe, I may have accidentally on purpose given the wrong answer.

DAPHNE

Maybe, accidentally on purpose? Well there's nothing incriminating about that. Why did you?

NILES

After the way we behaved you deserved it more. And the glint in Roz's eye indicated that if I answered correctly she'd ram my buzzer down my throat. God I've missed you. Anyway I think this all be it brief period of abstinence has done me some good.

DAPHNE

I was thinking the same. It's good for the soul. I don't see why we can't continue with it for a while since we jumped the first hurdle so well.

NILES

Absolutely right. And it gives us so much more time for other things. Like long walks and deep meaningful conversations. Far more enjoyable then sex.

DAPHNE

And it'll last a lot longer too. It gives you a deeper respect for each other.

NILES

It shows that our relationship is not just built on sex.

DAPHNE

Not to mention it being a lot more sanitary.

NILES

Of course.

A LONG BEAT

DAPHNE

Feeling horny as hell?

NILES

Like I've been in prison for the last thirty years, they cancelled conjugal visits and showed nothing but pornography on the television.

DAPHNE

Me too.

NILES RUNS TO DAPHNE AND THEY GRAB EACH AND FALL TO THE FLOOR KNOCKING OVER AN AFRICAN LOVE GOD ON THE ISLAND ALONG THE WAY

NILES

Daphne

DAPHNE

Oh Niles.

THE AFRICAN LOVE GOD EVENTUALLY FALLS OFF THE ISLAND AND HITS NILES

NILES

Ow! African love god.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry, oh African love god.

NILES SHOWS IT TO HER

NILES

No I mean an actual African love god.

THEY LAUGH UNTIL DAPHNE NOTICES SMOKE COMING FROM THE IRON THAT SHE HAS LEFT FACED DOWN ON ONE OF FRASIER'S SHIRTS

DAPHNE

The iron.

NILES

Well it's a little unusual, but you know more than I do. Just make sure it's cooled down first.

DAPHNE

No, the iron!

THEY STAND UP, PULL THE PLUG OUT AND EXAMINE THE SHIRT. IT HAS A SILHOUETTE OF THE IRON BURNT ONTO IT

NILES

What the hell I'll buy him a new one.

HE TOSSES THE SHIRT IN THE AIR AS THEY ONCE AGAIN GRAB EACH OTHER WE:

FADE OUT

(L)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Niles)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER POURS NILES AND HIMSELF A SHERRY. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH

MARTIN

So how did the quiz go? Did it end in the emergency room? I didn't hear them on the radio appealing for donors.

FRASIER

You mean you didn't listen?

MARTIN

Sorry, I was down at McGinty's. So what happened?

FRASIER

Well it matters not who won and lost...

ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

They beat you didn't they?

DAPHNE

Absolutely tattered them.

ROZ

Had them begging for mercy.

DAPHNE

Along with certain other things.

NILES

I notice that, that comment was only aimed at me.

DAPHNE

That's because everyone else in the room can keep their hormones in check, with the exception of Eddie. There's more animal in you then you think.

ROZ

Of the prairie dog variety.

FRASIER

You won by one question don't push your luck. So what were you doing down at McGinty's?

DAPHNE

Now the obvious answer would be drinking, so I'll guess doing an amateur production of Lord of the Dance. How did you manage to maintain your balance without your cane?

FRASIER

Are you forgetting who pays your wages?

NILES

I do along with your contribution. Which reminds me I should start to put for physical therapy rather than services rendered on my accounts, people may get the wrong idea.

MARTIN

I met Sherry down there.

FRASIER AND NILES STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS

NILES

(DISTRAUGHT) Oh dear God... I mean really?

MARTIN

Oh unclench I'm not dating her again.

FRASIER

Are you just teasing us? Is she going to jump out from the bathroom wearing a psychedelic blouse playing her banjo or can we really celebrate?

DAPHNE

You two are awful. So can we celebrate?

MARTIN

She's the one who's been sending me the beavers.

FRASIER

Note the complete lack of gasps that the two are connected. I see her taste hasn't improved.

MARTIN

Obviously not, she wanted to get back together.

ROZ

How do you feel about that Martin?

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL STARE AT ROZ

ROZ (CONT'D)

What? You three are being such children about this, one of us has to become the grown up psychiatrist of the situation and support him.

MARTIN

Nothing's changed. I still want to get re-married, she doesn't. There was nothing else to discuss so we just had a drink.

NILES

Are you sure you're OK? Or are you just drunk? How many fingers am I holding up?

MARTIN

I'm fine. I'm happy without her.

FRASIER

That makes two of us. In fact happy is not the word. Euphoric is more of an appropriate term.

ROZ

Well I'd better hit the road. Before the quiz tomorrow is the station softball tournament, I'm Captain and I need my rest.

FRASIER

What time am I meeting you down there?

ROZ

What for? Oh you want to play?

FRASIER

Oh course, why don't you want me to? I thought I'd be one of the first names on your team sheet.

DAPHNE

One of the first names crossed off the team sheet more like.

ROZ

Frasier how to I out this politely?

MARTIN

A one legged chicken would be able to bat with more accuracy.

ROZ

Exactly. And they'd be able to hold the bat better too.

FRASIER

Oh I see, I'm too athletically challenged to play on your team, is that what you're trying to say?

ROZ

No, that's what I'm trying really hard not to say. Why are you even interested? It's sports, you know running, jumping, sweating?

FRASIER

Just because a person has book smarts doesn't mean they can't be a sporting figure as well.

NILES

Here we go again.

FRASIER

Fine then I'll get my own team.

DAPHNE

Niles, stand still, maybe to won't be able to see you.

FRASIER

Isn't this right Niles?

NILES

Hi my name's Niles we haven't met before. The last thing I want to do is spend the morning having small balls hurtling towards my head and rolling in the dirt, I'm not Eddie.

ROZ

Daphne you'll be on my team won't you?

DAPHNE

On your bleedin' bike I will. There's no chance that I'll get mixed up with you two again.

ROZ

Fine, see you tomorrow slugger, when I pound you again.

FRASIER

Fine, be prepared to eat my dust.

ROZ EXITS AS FRASIER PICKS UP HIS SHIRTS OFF THE TABLE

MARTIN

Are you telling me you are prepared to go sliding around in the dirt should you accidentally make contact with the ball? You can't hit a ball if you swung a mattress at it.

NILES

You wouldn't slide in the dirt if your trousers were on fire.

FRASIER

I can get down and dirty with the best of them. I don't always have to be prim and proper you know. What happened to my shirt?

DAPHNE

Quick run.

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT TO HER ROOM

MARTIN

This will only end in tears.

FRASIER

Yes Roz's when I crush her.

MARTIN

I was thinking mine actually when you swing to hit the ball and probably knock yourself out with your follow through.

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN START TO REPACK THE BEAVERS BACK INTO THE CARDBOARD BOXES AND SEAL THEM UP. WHILE MARTIN ISN'T LOOKING FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM IN ONE OF THE BOXES AND STARTS TO SEAL IT UP. MARTIN HEARS EDDIE WHINING THOUGH AND OPENS THE BOX. HE THEN TAKES EDDIE OUT, SLAPS FRASIER ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM