I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Kate beat me to it in terms of bringing back a certain character. It'll teach me not to wait so long before I post these things.
Please help me! Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com so the cannibals won't eat me. I don't want to be digested. It doesn't sound particularly nice.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty
Quiz Show
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Jane (VO))
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS IN THE RADIO BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE AIR WITH A CALLER, JANE
FRASIER
Now I fully understand that you are upset about this Jane but don't you think that your reaction has been a little extreme to say the least?
JANE (VO)
I knew you'd take his side. All men must stick together. You're all the same you're all pigs. In fact I might get a more unbiased opinion off a pig than off you.
FRASIER
Just hear me out Jane. All Gary did was open the new bottle of 'Toilet Duck' before the old one was empty. This is not a criminal offence. It was an honest mistake. It's not as if he opened the new box of cereal before the old one was empty just to get the prize. And by the way Dad if you're listening, if you do that once more I will kill you, ex-ray glasses or no ex-ray glasses. And back to the point it's still no reason to make Gary spend the last month sleeping in a bassinet with a can of condensed milk, a pair of shoe trees and a piece of three week old road kill that you may or may not be able to make rheumatism oil from in the near future.
JANE (VO)
This is just men ganging up together. I knew this would happen. Roz you've got to agree with me on this.
ROZ
To be honest Jane I think you're a bit gar-gar and you've skipped several dosages of your medication. But please don't take that the wrong way.
JANE (VO)
Well listen here you little tramp...
ROZ
Don't you talk to me like that you freak of nature!
FRASIER
Ladies, ladies before this gets out of hand and we have to bring in a mud bath and a no hair pulling rule let's try to resolve this situation. Jane may I suggest that you and Gary take some time to look into couple's therapy. If not for your sake then for Gary's before he catches mange or worse the plague off that road kill. Well that's all for today Seattle, but before I go, let me take this opportunity to remind all my listeners about the upcoming quiz show being broadcast right here on KACL. I am to take part as well as many of your other favourite KACL hosts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health.
FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Now Roz what have we discussed time and time again about hurling abuse and sharp pointed objects at our callers?
ROZ
But Frasier...
FRASIER
Now Roz? Do I have to write it on the back of your hand with a magic marker again? Or shall I simply have it tattooed on your forehead?
ROZ
Only when the mike's off.
FRASIER
That's right. And on that subject I still have not forgotten or forgiven you for telling me I was off air when I clearly wasn't and I called that guy an anal retentive, closet homosexual drag queen.
ROZ
Oh what's the big deal? It was the truth.
FRASIER
He'd just been elected Senator. We outed Senator Paxton on the air. And from what I hear his wife and children weren't too happy to hear about it either. Although it did explain why her shoes were all stretched out to accommodate a size thirteen-foot. He's still sending me those live scorpions through the mail. Luckily I bribed Daphne into opening all my mail a few years ago.
ROZ
Anyway I've heard you yell at callers on the air.
FRASIER
When? In what parallel universe did this freak occurrence transpire?
ROZ
Last week, that guy who was so paranoid about getting burgled he stopped at home twenty-four hours a day with a shotgun, an assault rifle and a blowtorch.
FRASIER
That was a commercial. A rescue dog, a secure alarm, some strong sedatives and a Big Mac solved his problems. I think it's left up to your own imagination to guess what they were actually advertising. Don't you ever listen to my show?
ROZ
Not if I can help it. It interferes with my naptime. If I'm to keep up my stamina for my nightlife I have to sleep during the day.
FRASIER
It's so nice to know that my career is in such safe hands. Why don't I just let a cross-eyed, narcoleptic juggler perform with my most valuable, treasured, antique breakable possessions as well?
ROZ
Anyway about this quiz show. I've been doing a little reading for it.
FRASIER
I didn't realise you were taking part. I didn't assume it was something you'd be interested in. I'd always thought Blind Date was more up your seedy back alley.
ROZ
Of course I'm interested.
FRASIER
In the seedy back alley or the quiz? You do realise it's a general knowledge quiz? Not one of those that you find in the back of Cosmopolitan. I doubt there will be a question on finding your g-spot.
ROZ
Oh course I know that. If you're going to be my partner, shouldn't we get together to do a little studying, so we don't humiliate ourselves on air? I mean you do that everyday on your show, you probably should take a break for this quiz.
FRASIER
Oh you think we are going to be team mates.
ROZ
Yeah, why aren't we?
FRASIER
Well the rules state that as long as one member of the team works at the station it doesn't matter about the other.
ROZ
So what does that mean?
FRASIER
I was going to ask Niles.
ROZ
Oh I see, because he's smarter than I am. You don't want to be embarrassed by your brain dead producer is that what you're trying to say?
FRASIER
No that's what I've been trying really hard not to say.
ROZ
Oh fine. I don't need you, I'll do fine on my own.
FRASIER
Roz, honey, are you upset.
ROZ
Why because you dumped me? Oh course I'm not Frasier.
ROZ PRESSES HER PEN SO HARD ON HER CLIPBOARD THAT IT SNAPS IN TWO
FRASIER
Well it's nice to know you're not mad at me.
FRASIER GRABS HIS BRIEFCASE AND RUNS FROM THE BOOTH AS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'THE WHEEL OF TORTURE'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz)
FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD BURIED IN SEVERAL TEXTBOOKS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT THE PIANO WHILE NILES PLAYS GERSHWIN QUIETLY
NILES
I was thinking about what we could do this summer, you know about where we can go on vacation.
DAPHNE
And? Have you come up with anything?
NILES
I came up with one thing, but it's where in the world you want to do it is the real question.
DAPHNE
You have a one-track mind. That would be a terrible thing to waste. Me Mom's been pestering me again, she wants us to spend a couple of weeks in Manchester with the family.
NILES
Well we can do that if you want to. Really I don't mind. After all I can only go insane once. And I'm sure the bleeding from my ears will stop eventually.
DAPHNE
Hell no. If we go away this summer, I want to be alone with you, not with you and a group of still angry relatives, hell bent on prodding and poking you with a red-hot poker and setting your suits on fire.
NILES
That's not so bad, it would be an improvement on our current relationship of four letter words and death threats.
DAPHNE
You do realise that you'll still be wearing the suit when they set fire to it? They call it a pair of hot pants. The only improvement you'll get is having a couple of hot crossed buns and since it's not Easter I don't think it's that appropriate. And it won't be much of a holiday for me to continually smother your body with lotion to ease the burns, although...
NILES
Well get your thinking cap on, I offer you the world. Except all places where the insects are bigger than my fist.
DAPHNE
How about a tour of Arizona in the Winnebago?
NILES
(MORTIFIED) Oh...well...that sounds lovely.
DAPHNE
Your lips say yes, but the beads of sweat and throbbing vein in your neck speak volumes.
NILES
That's because I'm excited at the prospect of being shacked up together in a Winnebago in the middle of the desert with nothing but a flea-ridden coyote and a drunk Navajo Indian to disturb and traumatise us.
DAPHNE
Oh say it again, it sounds so romantic. You really know how to get a girl all excited. Oh I'm only teasing.
NILES
What a shame. My hopes had been raised to new heights. How will I ever recover from this anti-climax?
DAPHNE
Well we could still...
NILES
Too late, motion carried, may we never speak of it again.
DAPHNE
You didn't complain last time that we were in the Winnebago. If I recall right you actually enjoyed it.
NILES
Well that was different. When you're experiencing a life changing moment you don't care where you are, but fortunately I was in the perfect place and the perfect place was in your arms.
HE KISSES HER
FRASIER
Niles will you get over here so we can study? Preferably before I become nauseous.
NILES
Oh do we have to.
FRASIER
Yes, now get over here. Daphne stop distracting him.
NILES STROLLS OVER TO FRASIER AND STANDS LOOKING AT THE BOOKS
NILES
This is actually like school all over again. The two of us studying together for a big test like old times. Except now I'm having sex as well.
FRASIER
Not now you're not so sit down.
NILES SITS DOWN AND FRASIER PLACES A LARGE GENERAL KNOWLEDGE TEXT BOOK ON HIS LAP AS MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR DRAGGING A LARGE BOX
MARTIN
Will one of you boys give me a hand with this?
FRASIER
Sorry my backs been a bit tender lately. If I lift so much as a sesame seed I won't be able to move for weeks.
MARTIN
Gee wouldn't that be a tragedy.
NILES
I would but I have weak calves.
MARTIN GLARES AT THEM BOTH
NILES (CONT'D)
Don't give me that look, I inherited them off you. If you want to blame someone blame yourself.
DAPHNE WALKS OVER AND PICKS UP THE BOX
DAPHNE
Never mind, let the woman do it. I wouldn't want either of you to break a nail or ruin your make-up. What the bloody hell have you got in here anyway?
DAPHNE PLACES IT ON THE TABLE. MARTIN OPENS THE LID AND PULLS FROM IT ANOTHER STUFFED BEAVER LAST SEEN IN 'A FOOL SUCH AS I'. IT IS WEARING MAKE-UP, A DRESS AND A WIG. FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED
FRASIER
Oh no not again. I thought the invasion had stopped. I knew I should have invested in some beaver repellent.
MARTIN
Yep, my secret admirer is back.
NILES
And by the looks of it their taste hasn't improved. If it had I suppose they'd be sending you sporting ferrets instead of sporting beavers by now.
FRASIER
Oh yes because a dead ferret would be so much classier then a dead beaver. The Royal family has dozens on them scattered around Buckingham Palace. Quick Daphne turn on the garbage disposal before it has a change to settle.
MARTIN
Hey you can't do that.
DAPHNE
Of course I can, I turn the tap on and flick a switch. It just shows how much you use it.
MARTIN
I didn't mean that.
FRASIER
I'm pretty sure Dad it wouldn't feel a thing, but to make you feel a little better, shall I give it a bottle of sedatives and a shot of whiskey before hand?
NILES WALKS OVER AND EXAMINES THE BEAVER
NILES
What is it supposed to be playing anyway? I may not be much of a sports man but I'm pretty sure they don't wear flowing dresses and make-up to play baseball. They'd get a run in their pantyhose while sliding in the dirt. Is it a participant in a drag race maybe?
MARTIN
This isn't from the sporting collection. It's the early Hollywood collection. This one is Bette Davis in 'All About Eve'.
DAPHNE
Of course it is, I don't know why I didn't guess that earlier. So am I to understand this is what Bette Davis would have looked like if she was a beaver and was beaten about the head and neck with a shovel?
NILES
It's just a shame it's not a classic television collection. I'm sure the 'Leave It To Beaver' one is a real collector's item in taxidermist circles.
MARTIN
It can't stay here.
FRASIER
You took the words right out of mouth.
NILES
Can't she afford the rent? That's the problem these days there are just no good roles for beavers in the motion picture industry. Possums on the other hand make absolute fortunes. Except of course they have a nasty habit of soiling the red carpet at premieres. I guess it's just through excitement.
MARTIN
I can't keep it. Especially considering the way Eddie attacked the last one and with the way his hormones are racing at the moment, I'd rather not give him a target to aim at. That's just asking for trouble. It's already dead the least I can do is prevent it the indignity of being violated by a dog as well.
DAPHNE
This is just dressed up road kill. You can still see the tire mark running down its back. Oh and look at this, it looks as if it had a piece of gum stuck in the tread when it hit it.
FRASIER
That's a vital clue Daphne to find the murderer. Now all we have to do is comb the entire country looking for a car with a piece of gum in its tread and the case of the 'Flattened Beaver' can be put to rest.
NILES
Well with any luck it was mowed down in the prime of its life by a BMW or a Mercedes rather than something as awful as a hatchback. When that happens you can rest happily in heaven at peace with the world.
DAPHNE
I'm sure that's what its first concern was. 'Never mind that my organs are splattered about the road, I'm about to die and all my children are going to become orphans and starve to death, wasn't that a fabulous looking car. I wonder if it has all leather interiors and electric windows.'
FRASIER
Niles, can we get back to our studies?
NILES
I am studying.
FRASIER
I hardly think there will be a question on road kill.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN
NILES
What are we going to do if there's a question on sports?
FRASIER
Panic and fake a migraine.
SFX: DOORBELL
NILES
And the memories of the school spelling bee come flooding back. It was just ironic that what you were claiming was wrong with you was also the same word that you couldn't spell.
MARTIN
I was just grateful that the word was migraine and not menopause. I'd never have lived that down at the station.
DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR, ROZ ENTERS CARRYING SOME QUIZ BOOKS
DAPHNE
Hello Roz.
ROZ
Hi Daphne.
FRASIER
Hello Roz what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be turning back the clock to your college days? Studying I mean not sleeping with your professors. Although I actually expect you did very little sleeping.
ROZ
I've told you, I needed the extra credit. But since you asked I've come to spy on what you're reading. I wasn't sure which book was more appropriate to read, Dr. Seuss or the instruction manual for my freezer. (SHE SEES THE BEAVER) Oh not again.
MARTIN
Yeah again.
ROZ
Do you know whose sending them to you?
MARTIN
Just my secret admirer, who ever that is.
FRASIER
Trust me they don't admirer you that much to keep sending you dead things in dresses through the mail.
ROZ
And you of all people should know a thing or two about that. Anyway Daphne here are those books to glance over.
FRASIER
Books?
ROZ
That's right, Daphne is my partner in the quiz show.
FRASIER
Since when?
ROZ
Since you told me I was too stupid to be your partner.
FRASIER
I didn't say that. I implied it but I didn't say it.
NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE
NILES
So you've got to start hitting the books as well. Do you fancy a study session with me later? I'll bring freshly sharpened pencils and a hole punch.
DAPHNE
How can I resist such a tempting offer? Although it depends on what subject we're studying.
NILES
The human anatomy.
FRASIER
Niles sit back down and read.
NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS FRASIER ASKS
MARTIN
This will only end in tears.
FRASIER
Yes Roz's when we completely crush and humiliate her.
ROZ
In your dreams, I'm going to have you eating your words.
FRASIER
Oh come on Roz, I am by far and away the smartest person at that radio station, I'm expected to win. Surely you can see that with you as my partner well that would only...
ROZ
Impede your chances?
FRASIER
Yes... I mean no. I wouldn't want you to feel overshadowed by my staggering intellect.
MARTIN
Oh boy, open up a window.
ROZ
So actually you're doing me a favour?
FRASIER
Exactly.
MARTIN
One word. Egomaniac.
ROZ
Well thanks for the favour Frasier and in return I'm going to do something for you.
FRASIER
Which is?
ROZ
Burst your bubble. Because Daphne and I are going to completely wipe the floor with you two. Right Daphne?
DAPHNE
You leave me out of this. I said I'd be your partner not help you invade Poland.
ROZ
By the time we're through you're going to be begging for mercy rather then sex for a change.
FRASIER
Only if there happens to be round of questions on the social life down on the docks or psychic vibrations received through blenders.
ROZ
This is war Crane, prepare to be annihilated.
FRASIER
I should say the same to you, Doyle.
ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER
MARTIN
It's nice to see that this friendly competition isn't getting out of control.
FRASIER
Right Niles let's continue with our study.
DAPHNE
Now all the hair pulling, eye gauging and fish hooking has stopped, I think I'm going to have an early night.
FRASIER
Goodnight Daphne.
MARTIN
Night Daph.
DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM WITH NILES FOLLOWING
FRASIER
Wait a second where do you think you are going?
NILES
Do I need to tell you? Can't you just follow my eye line and interpret my devilish looks? (FRASIER LOOKS BLANKLY AT NILES) When I have one eyebrow raised it only means one thing.
FRASIER
No fraternising with the enemy thankyou very much. You get back here and study.
NILES
Excuse me?
FRASIER
You heard me. If you are going to be my partner for this, there is to be no socialising with the other competitors. And that means not seeing Daphne. We need every spare moment to study.
NILES
But...
FRASIER
No buts, especially Daphne's. She is the enemy and will be treated as such. Roz may get her to weasel information out of you. You can use the extra time to study.
DAPHNE
What a dilemma. So what's it to be Niles?
NILES STARES AT BOTH FRASIER AND DAPHNE WITH A DESPERATE AND CONFUSED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE, UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO
NILES
Don't make me choose please. I'll flip a coin.
DAPHNE
Now don't I just feel so special? Are you sure you wouldn't rather us play rock, paper scissors?
FRASIER
Come here Niles.
DAPHNE
Come on Niles.
NILES BEGINS TO BREAK OUT IN A SWEAT
FRASIER
If you abandon me now I shall remember it when it's time to pass out my kidneys and bone marrow.
DAPHNE
You look awfully tense. I'll give you a nice massage.
NILES' HEAD GOES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM SO OFTEN IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS WATCHING A TENNIS MATCH
MARTIN
They do the same thing in court when trying to determine the ownership of a dog. But I think that's a little more dignified.
NILES IS PRACTICALLY DYING NOT KNOWING WHICH WAY TO GO. FINALLY HE LOOKS AT FRASIER AND SIGHS
NILES
Frasier are you trying to kill me? When's this quiz show over?
DAPHNE
(SURPRISED) OK then Niles, you enjoy your studies and I'll see you when the quiz is over. (STICKING THE KNIFE IN) Blimey it's a bit hot tonight. I won't be getting a wink of sleep, I'll have to find something to occupy me all night long. I think I'll sleep naked that might make me feel better, but I'll still probably be soaked with sweat with the sheets clinging to me in the morning. Well goodnight sweetie.
DAPHNE KISSES HIM LONG AND HARD, MAKING HIM GO WEAK AT THE KNEES AND EXITS TO HER ROOM. NILES STARTS TO FOLLOW HER ALMOST ON HIS KNEES
FRASIER
Niles sit!
NILES
This had better be worth it. I'm going to get some ice.
NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
But you're drinking sherry.
MARTIN
He doesn't mean for his drink.
AS FRASIER LOOKS AT ANOTHER GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOK WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Kenny, Frasier, Gill, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Mark)
FRASIER, NILES, GILL AND MARK ALL SIT WITH THEIR HEADPHONES ON IN THE BOOTH. KENNY SITS IN BETWEEN THEM ACTING AS QUIZ MASTER. ROZ AND DAPHNE ARE VISIBLE THROUGH THE GLASS WATCHING
KENNY
That is an incorrect answer Gill. I'll pass it across to Frasier.
FRASIER
The answer is road kill.
FRASIER AND NILES GIVE EACH OTHER AN AMAZED EXPRESSION THAT, THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION HAS COME UP
GILL
Not something you'd normally find on my menu unless of course my beastly in-laws are visiting. Oops I probably shouldn't have said that on the radio.
NILES' VISION DRIFTS AND HE STARES AT DAPHNE THROUGH THE GLASS
KENNY
That's correct. Niles all you have to do is answer this question correctly and you and Frasier are through to the next round. Are you ready Niles? Niles? Niles?
FRASIER
(NUDGING HIM) Niles!
NILES
Sorry I drifted off a little there. It was a soft and comforting place with a welcome mat at the entrance with my name on it in big letters.
FRASIER
At this moment in time you've been evicted and your clothes are on fire scattering on the lawn. Will you concentrate! Stop looking out that window.
KENNY
OK Niles just answer this correctly to go through to the next round. In which Shakespearean play does the line "that when I waked I cried to dream again" come from?
RESET TO:
INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Oh great why don't you just ask him his shoe size or his name for God's sake.
DAPHNE
What's your problem?
ROZ
I wanted them to loose.
DAPHNE
But you said we were going to wipe the floor with them. What happened to total annihilation?
ROZ
We aren't going to stand a chance against them, our only hope was if they got knocked out first. And what exactly did you expect me to say after he practically said I was a descendant of Forest Gump?
RESET TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS
NILES
That quote is taken from 'The Tempest'.
KENNY
That is correct. Game four goes to Frasier and Niles making them winners by three games to one. I'll see you both tomorrow for the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle and tune in tomorrow for the next round of the KACL Host Quiz Show.
THEY GO OFF AIR AS THEY ALL STAND AND SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER
Good game Gill, good game.
GILL
Congratulations. Fortunately I am a very gracious looser. And at home I have a crate of Napa Valley Merlot with my name on it to make sure of that fact.
NILES AND FRASIER EXIT INTO THE CORRIDOR
RESET TO:
INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY GO TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE OF MAGNETS
DAPHNE
Congratulations.
NILES
Thankyou very much. God it's good to see you.
FRASIER
Well, well, well Roz. What are you doing here? Here to see what a landslide performance looks like? Or here to throw in the towel?
ROZ SEES NILES AND DAPHNE HUGGING
ROZ
No just to see who we are playing in the next round. (TO NILES) Excuse me, get your paws off her. No sex with the enemy.
DAPHNE
We're in a radio station corridor it's hardly likely that we're going to be having sex, although not out of the question. There's a significant difference between a KACL quiz show and the Howard Stern show you know.
ROZ
I mean it. Frasier may get him to try to weasel information out of you.
FRASIER
I doubt they'll be a question on Teen USA so why would I bother?
DAPHNE
Fine, we won't see each other until after it's finished.
KENNY ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH
FRASIER
So Kenny who do we play in the next round?
KENNY
Roz and Daphne.
ROZ
Excuse me?
KENNY
Hey that should be interesting. You four competing. Wow, call a referee with a stun gun.
ROZ
(COVERING) Really? Well good. It's time to wipe that smug, condescending grin off your face. Preferably with the sole of my shoe. If you're lucky I may clean it first.
KENNY
May the best man win.
FRASIER
(OOZING CONFIDENCE) I'm sure he will.
NILES GUIDES DAPHNE DOWN THE CORRIDOR SO HE CAN TALK TO HER
NILES
Then I'll see you tomorrow my love
THEY GO TO KISS BUT FRASIER GABS THE BACK OF NILES' COLLAR AND DRAGS HIM AWAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR BEFORE THEY HAVE CHANCE TO MAKE CONTACT. AS THEY BOTH EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'THE PRICE IS RIGHT'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Martin)
FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN HAVE THEIR HEADS STUCK IN GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOKS AS MARTIN READS THE PAPER. NILES KEEPS GLANCING TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM
FRASIER
Will you stop staring at her door and look at this? I don't want two holes burnt into my woodwork thankyou very much.
NILES
This is ridiculous. It's taking this competitive streak of yours way too far. And I don't want to be dragged into it.
FRASIER
I don't care I have to beat Roz.
MARTIN
What's the big deal? I thought the whole reason you didn't want Roz as your partner was because you thought she was 'getting your foot stuck down the toilet' kind of stupid.
FRASIER
Well she is. Although it wasn't her foot it was her head while she was in college. Although why she couldn't retrieve her earring with her hand instead of her teeth I'll never know.
NILES
My guess would be tequila shooters and some magic brownies.
NILES SNEAKS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO TYPE A MESSAGE
MARTIN
If that's the case why are you swotting up more than you did against anyone else?
FRASIER
I just want to make sure, that if by some sort of freak of nature, hell freezes over, pig's start to fly, and she stands a chance of beating me that I'll be able to crush her. I won't rule out even the remote possibility of the pair of them beating us. Oh by the way a letter came for you this morning Dad, I forgot to give it to you. Here you are.
FRASIER HANDS HIM THE LETTER AND MARTIN OPENS IT
MARTIN
Thanks.
FRASIER
(TO NILES) What are you doing?
NILES
Nothing.
NILES TRIES TO HIDE HIS PHONE BUT FRASIER SNATCHES IT OFF HIM
FRASIER
Yes you are, what are you doing? Are you sending Daphne text messages in her room?
NILES
Maybe.
FRASIER
For God's sake Niles.
NILES
Well this is ridiculous. Because of you and Roz at battle stations I'm not allowed to even see her. Today in Nervosa as I walked past Daphne, I admittedly kissed the back of her head and Roz poured a latte down my pants. And to be honest I don't know how you think that denying me sex over the next few days so I can study is going to improve our chances in the first place. I'm currently so horny I can barely see straight.
MARTIN
It's probably not a good idea for you to drive home then.
NILES
I can't concentrate.
FRASIER
Oh get a grip. Dad and I aren't having sex either, do you hear us complaining?
NILES
Constantly. And by the way if you ever say that in public, you might want to add that you and Dad aren't having sex 'with any women' or it may raise some eyebrows.
MARTIN
Think yourself lucky. Boxers spend months before a big fight celibate. If those guys can do it you can.
NILES
There's a slight difference. I'm not a beefy sports man.
FRASIER
He's just barely a man.
NILES
And I'm not celibate for a sporting event, it's for a radio quiz show. Has the world gone mad!
MARTIN
Well I'm sure your intellectuals do the same thing. Albert Einstein for example.
NILES
Oh yes I'm sure that Einstein not getting any helped form his theory of relativity.
MARTIN
You never know.
FRASIER
It's only for one more night. You'll cope, now let's take your mind of it by studying. The erection of Eiffel Tower was completed...
NILES
This particular line of study isn't helping.
NILES BEGINS TO SWEAT AND FIDGET, THE MORE FRASIER SPEAKS
FRASIER
OK, the male reproductive system of a goat? Not a good idea either. The Hump Back Whale? No. The making of traditional Toby Jugs? No. Freud's theory on penis envy, I think we can just skip over that. The inventor of jello? Maybe we should skip the study and watch a little TV documentary.
BY THIS POINT NILES IS BEGINNING TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY AS FRASIER PUTS DOWN THE BOOK AND TURNS ON THE TV
NARRATOR
(ON TV) The much larger male then mounts the lesser female.
NILES BURIES HIS HEAD BEHIND A CUSHION AS FRASIER TURNS OFF THE TV
NILES
I can't take any more, I'm kicking down that door.
FRASIER
Ok what if I made this abstained period worth your while. Stay out here and study with me tonight and I'll give you something.
NILES
Continue.
MARTIN BEGINS TO READ HIS LETTER AND BECOMES VISUALLY UPSET THE MORE HE READS
FRASIER
I don't know, what do you want?
NILES
We all know what I want but you and Roz won't let me. How about you pay for Daphne and I to go on vacation?
FRASIER
OK fine, but only in the Winnebago.
NILES
No deal.
FRASIER
OK fine, but not too far.
SFX: NILES' PHONE BEEPS
NILES
Oh a message. I wonder what Daphne has to say?
FRASIER
Oh all right, anywhere in the world.
NILES
First class.
FRASIER
Coach
NILES
No I said first class not no class.
FRASIER
Fine, but we'd better win.
NILES
Then we have a deal. I'll speak to you tomorrow sweetheart. I can cope, all I have to do is not think about sex.
NILES THEN GLANCES AT THE MESSAGE THAT DAPHNE HAS SENT HIM AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN. FRASIER SEES THIS AND TAKES THE PHONE OFF HIM.
FRASIER
What is it?
FRASIER READS THE MESSAGE AND HIS EYES BECOME WIDE. HE THEN SWITCHES OFF THE PHONE AND LEAVES IT ON THE ISLAND.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Not under my roof you don't! It's illegal in forty states to begin with. Right now on to our study. Ah here's something interesting, the official name for the uniform worn by French chambermaids. Perhaps we'd better come back to that one as well. Dad are you all right?
MARTIN
I'm fine.
NILES
Dad what's wrong?
MARTIN
Nothing.
FRASIER
Dad?
MARTIN
I said I'm fine, now drop it.
AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE LETTER WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
INT. MCGINTY'S BAR — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Bartender, Martin, Sherry)
MARTIN SITS AT THE BAR AS THE BARTENDER APPROACHES
BARTENDER
Here to watch the game Marty?
ENTER SHERRY
MARTIN
No, just meeting someone. Here she is. Hi Sherry.
SHERRY
Hello Marty. You look great.
MARTIN
Thankyou, so do you.
SHERRY
Thanks.
A BEAT
MARTIN
Shall we sit down?
SHERRY
Yeah.
THEY SIT AT A TABLE. A LONG BEAT
SHERRY (CONT'D)
So what's it been? Three years?
MARTIN
Something like that yeah.
A BEAT
SHERRY
So what's new?
MARTIN
Not a lot. I'm still living with Frasier, still hanging out here. I've still got that boil. Niles and Daphne finally got together.
SHERRY
Really? That's great.
MARTIN
Listen Sherry I don't want to appear rude, but can we come back to the small talk and the chit chat and get to the point. Why did you want to meet me?
SHERRY
I just wanted to see you.
MARTIN
And the beavers?
SHERRY
I just thought you'd like them. The Cary Grant one from 'North By Northwest' really reminded me of you.
MARTIN
Just for the record, I don't have a dislocated leg and a tire mark across me abdomen. At the end of the day Sherry, what's changed?
SHERRY
What do you mean?
MARTIN
Where do you see this going? Marriage?
SHERRY
Yes I do.
MARTIN
Honestly? Or are you just feeling a little lonely and looking for some companionship? I know I sure as heck am.
SHERRY
I've missed you.
MARTIN
That still doesn't mean, that you want to marry me. I want to get married again. I would get back together with you in an instant Sherry. And not just to tick Frasier and Niles off either. I still have feelings for you. But you have to ask yourself, a year down the line, will we be having this conversation all over again?
SHERRY
I guess we will.
MARTIN
Then I'm sorry.
SHERRY
I understand. I should leave.
MARTIN
Wait, what's wrong with a couple of old friends having a drink?
SHERRY
Nothing.
MARTIN
Then what can I get you?
AS THEY ORDER A DRINK WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'THE WEAKEST SHRINK'
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Kenny)
FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, NILES AND KENNY ARE ALL SITTING IN THE BOOTH GETTING READY AND PUTTING THEIR HEADPHONES ON
FRASIER
So Roz are you ready?
ROZ
Absolutely. Let the battle commence.
DAPHNE
(TO NILES) Hello. Why didn't you answer any of my messages? It was the only form of communication we had left since we ruled out telepathy and it was too dark to hire a sky writer.
NILES
He wouldn't let me. He put my phone in his pants pocket and there was no way that I was going in there to retrieve it. Anyway I can't talk now you're on the other team.
DAPHNE
Oh here we go again. Why do you Crane boys have to turn into such competitive freaks? God help our children. Good luck.
NILES
Thankyou.
DAPHNE
You'll need it because we rule.
NILES
Now who's the competitive freak?
DAPHNE
Yes but you love it!
KENNY
I want a fair fight. No hair pulling, understand?
FRASIER
I don't think even Roz would stoop to that.
KENNY
I meant you Doc. You have no hair to pull. (GOING ON AIR) Hello Seattle and welcome to round four of our KACL hosts quiz show. I'm Kenny Daily, station manager and I'll be your quiz master. Today we have an interesting competition to say the least. Dr. Frasier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane against the producer of the Dr. Frasier Crane show, Roz Doyle and Niles' girlfriend Daphne Moon. Expect the fur to fly. This is a real battle of the boys against the girls. And on to the first round.
AS KENNY SPEAKS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
AS DAPHNE TRIES TO THINK OF AN ANSWER, ROZ AND KENNY GIVE HER ENCOURAGEMENT AS FRASIER AND NILES SMIRK AT HER AND PULL FACES
KENNY
Daphne I'm going to have to rush you.
DAPHNE
Sorry I can't think of it. And it doesn't help with the two girls over there sticking their tongues out at us. Stick it out once more and I shall slam it in the door. If I did it to that Policeman on that day trip to Blackpool I won't be afraid to do it here.
ROZ
You're such a pair of children.
FRASIER
Oh big words, just because you're loosing.
NILES
We'll let you forfeit now if you want. Or are you hoping your psychic powers will give you an advantage?
NILES SUDDENLY REALISES WHAT HE'S SAID, COVERS HIS MOUTH AND LOOKS VERY GUILTY AND SORRY
DAPHNE
I'll remember that.
KENNY
Frasier I'll pass it across.
FRASIER
The answer Kenny is Martin Luther King.
KENNY
That is correct.
FRASIER AND NILES JUMP UP AND GIVE EACH OTHER THE HIGH-FIVE
NILES
Yes.
FRASIER
Oh we're bad! Bring it on girls.
FRASIER AND NILES THEN DO A VICTORY DANCE BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN
DAPHNE
Have you got something we can hose them down with? Preferably something flammable?
KENNY
OK Niles back to you with the next question. How many earth years does it take...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND KENNY ALL SIT AS BEFORE
KENNY
Niles name the silent Russian film made in 1925 featuring the famous sequence 'Odessea Steps'.
NILES
That would be 'The Battle Ship Potempkim'
KENNY
That is correct.
NILES JUMPS UP IN CELEBRATION
NILES
Yes I score again.
DAPHNE
Well savour it because it'll be the last time you say that for quite a while.
NILES
Really?
DAPHNE
Yes, and remember I'm psychic. I can see further into the future than your average Joe. But then you don't believe in that do you?
ROZ
How the hell did you know that?
NILES
I read.
ROZ
So do I.
NILES
I'm referring to books not some perverts personal ad on a public restroom wall.
KENNY
As we head into the break the boys have a lead of two games to one, needing the next one to clinch a place in the next round.
THEY GO OFF AIR AND NILES ETCHES TOWARDS DAPHNE
NILES
Hi Daphne.
DAPHNE
Hadn't you better get back over there with your brother?
NILES
Oh he won't mind.
DAPHNE
I meant before I stick my nails somewhere very painful.
AS NILES MOVES AWAY WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
THEY ARE OFF AIR AND AS KENNY TALKS TO ROZ AND DAPHNE, FRASIER QUESTIONS NILES, WHO HAS A GLAZED LOOK ON HIS FACE
FRASIER
What is wrong with you?
NILES
Nothing.
FRASIER
They've pulled back level. Anyone would think you'd developed narcolepsy.
NILES
I'm sorry I can't help it if I make some honest mistakes.
FRASIER
Forgetting Salman Rushdie's name and calling him Robin Hood instead is not an honest mistake. It's stupidity brought on by your hormones.
NILES
This is all your fault. I told you I couldn't concentrate.
ROZ
What's the matter Niles? Has the hamster fallen off its wheel inside your brain?
DAPHNE
Fallen off? I think it's had a stroke.
FRASIER
He's just been trying to get your hopes up.
DAPHNE
Good because he won't be getting anything else up in the foreseeable future.
NILES
I have three magic words for you. I love you.
DAPHNE
I have two magic words for you and one of them is 'off'.
NILES TURNS TO FRASIER AND STARTS TO SLAP HIS ARM AS THEY GO ON AIR
KENNY
As we come back from that commercial break with the score at two games all we head into the tiebreak. The tiebreak consists on five questions, buzz in if you know the answer. If you answer incorrectly the question goes to the other side. OK. How many members are there in the Backstreet Boys?
SFX: ROZ'S BUZZER
ROZ
Five.
KENNY
Correct.
NILES
(TO FRASIER) Who?
FRASIER
I'm guessing some back alley illegal surgical team. Maybe you should get them to find some life between your ears.
KENNY
One, nothing to the girls. Who wrote the play 'Hay Fever'?
SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER
FRASIER
Noel Coward.
KENNY
Correct one all. What is the Capital of North Dakota?
SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER
FRASIER
Bismarck.
KENNY
Correct, two, one. Which brothers played for England in the 1966 World Cup Finals?
SFX: DAPHNE'S BUZZER
FRASIER
That's not fair.
DAPHNE
Oh and the question on Freud was?
FRASIER
Well maybe if you listened to my show once in a while...
DAPHNE
You'd come home from work to find my head resting in a puddle of drool and Eddie gnawing at my ankle. The answer is Jack and Bobby Charlton.
KENNY
Correct, two all. Who ever answers this one correctly goes through to the next round. What Lake stretching from Arizona to Utah has a coastline bigger then that of the United States?
SFX: NILES' BUZZER
NILES STARES AT BOTH THE DESPERATE FACES OF ROZ AND DAPHNE
NILES
Erm... Lake Mead?
KENNY
That is incorrect I'll pass it across.
DAPHNE
Lake Powell.
KENNY
Correct the girls win on the tiebreak. Congratulations and you're through to the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle, we'll be back tomorrow...
FRASIER
Thankyou for not gloating.
BOTH ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND AND START TO DANCE
ROZ
(SINGING) You're not singing any more.
DAPHNE
(SINGING) You're not singing any more!
FRASIER
Well thankyou for not gloating on air.
KENNY
...At the same time, and now to Chopper Dave with a traffic report. Sorry Doc you cut me off there.
DAPHNE
I knew all those years standing on the terraces at the football chanting with all the yobs would eventually pay off. (SINGING) You're not singing anymore!
AS ROZ AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO SING AND DANCE WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Man)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE DOOR, BOTH LOOKING GLUM
FRASIER
I will kill you for this. I am literally going to nail your eyelids to this table.
NILES
Like you know where to buy a hammer let alone a nail. And boo-hoo anyway, so we lost, I'll be lucky if Daphne speaks to me again, let alone does anything else to me the way I behaved in there. My competitive nature got the better of me again.
FRASIER
Roz isn't going to be able to resist rubbing my nose in it.
NILES
Even I don't think she's petty enough to actually gloat.
ENTER ROZ AND DAPHNE STILL CELEBRATING. THEY SIT NEAR THE COUNTER
ROZ
Crack open the coffee because a round of victory latte's are on us. Only for the women of course. We are the winners, the women through to the final, so guys if you want us to autograph your buns form a line by the restroom.
NILES
Than again I may be wrong.
FRASIER
Something that seems to be happening frequently today.
NILES
Oh let it go.
ROZ
(TO THE WAITRESS) Can you send two over there to the loser's table. They need a little cheering up. Send that along with some humble pie.
FRASIER
I heard that.
ROZ
You were supposed to. Why else would I raise my voice? Oh yet another question you can't answer.
FRASIER
Still I'll give her, her moment in the sun. I guess deep down I'm a little proud of her. Still if it weren't for your suddenly mental meltdowns we would have won.
NILES
Oh we lost fair and square. They just knew more general knowledge then we did. Just look how happy it's made them.
FRASIER
I guess you're right, I just don't want to admit it. They've both actually surprised me a great deal.
NILES
Frasier I've just made a momentous decision.
FRASIER
Oh you've decided to order some biscotti?
NILES
No. And may I say your life must be such a constant nightmare when the biggest most momentous decision is whether or not to order biscotti.
FRASIER
When did you make this decision?
NILES
While you were talking, I had to think of something to occupy me to pass the time.
FRASIER
And what would this decision be?
NILES
I'm going to ask Daphne to marry me.
FRASIER
Really? What's brought this on?
NILES
This separation over the past few days has made me realise I can't live without her.
FRASIER
Niles it's been three days. She was in the next room while we studied for a quiz not trekking the Amazon and fighting off Pigmy attacks.
NILES
Even so. Well I've been thinking about it for a while.
FRASIER
For how long?
NILES
Since the moment I laid eyes on her.
FRASIER
I'm sure that's what you'll tell her to score some extra points, but honestly how long?
NILES
A couple of months.
FRASIER
Are you going to do it now?
NILES
God no. I want to get her a ring and I think it would be appropriate to be on speaking terms with her before I do. And I don't want to kneel down on this floor taking into account how sticky it is of late. It's like walking over a layer of tar.
FRASIER
This is wonderful. The proposal not the tar obviously.
DAPHNE
Right well as much as I'd like to stay here and celebrate, I must be getting home.
ROZ
So soon why?
DAPHNE
Because he's my boss and he's already got a face like a smacked arse because we beat him, I don't want to face the wrath of him having no clean shirts and no dinner as well.
ROZ
A woman's work is never done.
DAPHNE
Well that and I'm betting that when I walk out that door, they'll be someone not far behind me crawling and wanting to apologise for the way they spoke to me in that radio booth. Add to that fact that the apartment is empty and the result is we've got a lot of apologising to catch up on.
ROZ
OK now I understand. Bye Daph I'll see you tomorrow.
DAPHNE WALKS TO THE DOOR
DAPHNE
Bye Roz. Goodbye Dr. Crane, (TO NILES) Dr. Crane.
DAPHNE EXITS
NILES
This is wonderful. One quiz with you and we're no longer on a first name basis. Well never mind maybe in another seven years I'll have reached this point again, ruined a wedding and have another ex-wife to add to the collection.
FRASIER
Oh quit complaining. I'm paying for you to go on vacation aren't I?
NILES
Oh believe me you're going to pay. Now I must go and apologise to the woman I love. I would advise you to do the same.
NILES EXITS AS FRASIER MOVES TO ROZ'S TABLE
FRASIER
Roz can I talk to you?
ROZ
OK but remember to talk slow and don't use any big words, you don't want to confuse me. When that happens I have the tendency to run about the room screaming and repeatedly bang my head on the wall.
FRASIER
I'm sorry all right. I was rude, patronising, and disrespectful and I'm sorry I hurt you.
ROZ
Then what was your problem?
FRASIER
We come from very different walks of life Roz. I've just always thought of myself as superior to you because of our educational backgrounds. I of all people should know not to judge a book by its cover.
ROZ
Except when they have naked women all over them. Then your first instincts are usually right.
FRASIER
Well I'm a doctor. I've been to medical school.
ROZ
I'm glad to hear that. The penalty for impersonating a doctor is pretty steep and you'd be as defenceless as a little girl in prison. You'd be sold in the space of five minutes for a carton of cigarettes.
FRASIER
My callers look up to and respect me. How were they going to do that when my producer knows than I do?
ROZ
You do have to have a brain to do my job Frasier, if you didn't they'd have monkey's doing it. Although I'm not saying they don't, have you seen Gill's new producer?
FRASIER
I heard he was turned down for the 'Plant of the Apes' movie for being too hairy.
ROZ
You seem to think that you're far superior to everyone and you're hell bent on proving that. You don't have to win everything Frasier. We all know how intelligent you are. Your callers respect you, if they didn't they wouldn't call. No one cares about a quiz.
A MAN WALKS PAST AND OVERHEARS
FRASIER
I know. I'm sorry Roz. I just have to face the fact that I'm some sort of competitive freak. I was a pompous, snob and I promise to never treat you that way again. I'm glad it's you that beat me, I'm proud to have had a pair of ladies like you and Daphne beat me.
MAN
What are you a dominatrix? Can I get your phone number? What are you looking at me like that for? Oh it's not what you think. It's for my kid's birthday party. The hooker I had booked cancelled on me.
ROZ
Don't touch me.
MAN
(TO FRASIER) How about you? Do you do that kind of thing? Sometimes beggars can't be choosers. I'm not fussy.
FRASIER
Well I am, now be gone.
AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Daphne, Niles)
DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND IN THE LIVING ROOM DOING THE IRONING
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE
(SHOUTS) It's open.
ENTER NILES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh hello. What can I do for you? (UNDER HER BREATH) Like I can't already guess.
NILES
Daphne I am so sorry about today.
DAPHNE
Just today? You're not sorry you chose your brother and a bunch of dusty books over me and a can of whipped cream?
NILES
Oh you have no idea how sorry I am about that. But it was only for a few days. And I'm sorry for the way I behaved today. My competitive nature got the better of me again. I think it's hereditary.
DAPHNE
Like your weak calves.
NILES
Exactly. So am I forgiven?
DAPHNE
Of course you are. You know I can't stay mad at you. And I must also apologise for the way I spoke to you today.
NILES WALKS UP BEHIND HER AND STARTS TO KISS HER NECK
NILES
Forget about it. Anyway I have some good news. In exchange for becoming celibate for a few days Frasier will pay for our vacation. And in what better way to punish him for keeping us apart then by shattering his bank balance on a tropical beach? Just you, me lying in the sun, drinking from a coconut.
DAPHNE
Really?
NILES
Really. Does this mean that I'm forgiven for choosing him over you as well?
DAPHNE
Call it on probation. Is it getting hot in here?
NILES
I wish I could take all the credit, but you're still holding on to the iron.
THEY HUG FOR A BEAT
DAPHNE
I have to ask you something. Did you throw the quiz today? I know you knew the answer to that last question.
NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WHILE DAPHNE REMAINS BY THE ISLAND
NILES
I've never thrown anything in my life. Except the odd tantrum, which I learnt from Maris. Maybe, I may have accidentally on purpose given the wrong answer.
DAPHNE
Maybe, accidentally on purpose? Well there's nothing incriminating about that. Why did you?
NILES
After the way we behaved you deserved it more. And the glint in Roz's eye indicated that if I answered correctly she'd ram my buzzer down my throat. God I've missed you. Anyway I think this all be it brief period of abstinence has done me some good.
DAPHNE
I was thinking the same. It's good for the soul. I don't see why we can't continue with it for a while since we jumped the first hurdle so well.
NILES
Absolutely right. And it gives us so much more time for other things. Like long walks and deep meaningful conversations. Far more enjoyable then sex.
DAPHNE
And it'll last a lot longer too. It gives you a deeper respect for each other.
NILES
It shows that our relationship is not just built on sex.
DAPHNE
Not to mention it being a lot more sanitary.
NILES
Of course.
A LONG BEAT
DAPHNE
Feeling horny as hell?
NILES
Like I've been in prison for the last thirty years, they cancelled conjugal visits and showed nothing but pornography on the television.
DAPHNE
Me too.
NILES RUNS TO DAPHNE AND THEY GRAB EACH AND FALL TO THE FLOOR KNOCKING OVER AN AFRICAN LOVE GOD ON THE ISLAND ALONG THE WAY
NILES
Daphne
DAPHNE
Oh Niles.
THE AFRICAN LOVE GOD EVENTUALLY FALLS OFF THE ISLAND AND HITS NILES
NILES
Ow! African love god.
DAPHNE
I'm sorry, oh African love god.
NILES SHOWS IT TO HER
NILES
No I mean an actual African love god.
THEY LAUGH UNTIL DAPHNE NOTICES SMOKE COMING FROM THE IRON THAT SHE HAS LEFT FACED DOWN ON ONE OF FRASIER'S SHIRTS
DAPHNE
The iron.
NILES
Well it's a little unusual, but you know more than I do. Just make sure it's cooled down first.
DAPHNE
No, the iron!
THEY STAND UP, PULL THE PLUG OUT AND EXAMINE THE SHIRT. IT HAS A SILHOUETTE OF THE IRON BURNT ONTO IT
NILES
What the hell I'll buy him a new one.
HE TOSSES THE SHIRT IN THE AIR AS THEY ONCE AGAIN GRAB EACH OTHER WE:
FADE OUT
(L)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Niles)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER POURS NILES AND HIMSELF A SHERRY. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH
MARTIN
So how did the quiz go? Did it end in the emergency room? I didn't hear them on the radio appealing for donors.
FRASIER
You mean you didn't listen?
MARTIN
Sorry, I was down at McGinty's. So what happened?
FRASIER
Well it matters not who won and lost...
ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
They beat you didn't they?
DAPHNE
Absolutely tattered them.
ROZ
Had them begging for mercy.
DAPHNE
Along with certain other things.
NILES
I notice that, that comment was only aimed at me.
DAPHNE
That's because everyone else in the room can keep their hormones in check, with the exception of Eddie. There's more animal in you then you think.
ROZ
Of the prairie dog variety.
FRASIER
You won by one question don't push your luck. So what were you doing down at McGinty's?
DAPHNE
Now the obvious answer would be drinking, so I'll guess doing an amateur production of Lord of the Dance. How did you manage to maintain your balance without your cane?
FRASIER
Are you forgetting who pays your wages?
NILES
I do along with your contribution. Which reminds me I should start to put for physical therapy rather than services rendered on my accounts, people may get the wrong idea.
MARTIN
I met Sherry down there.
FRASIER AND NILES STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS
NILES
(DISTRAUGHT) Oh dear God... I mean really?
MARTIN
Oh unclench I'm not dating her again.
FRASIER
Are you just teasing us? Is she going to jump out from the bathroom wearing a psychedelic blouse playing her banjo or can we really celebrate?
DAPHNE
You two are awful. So can we celebrate?
MARTIN
She's the one who's been sending me the beavers.
FRASIER
Note the complete lack of gasps that the two are connected. I see her taste hasn't improved.
MARTIN
Obviously not, she wanted to get back together.
ROZ
How do you feel about that Martin?
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL STARE AT ROZ
ROZ (CONT'D)
What? You three are being such children about this, one of us has to become the grown up psychiatrist of the situation and support him.
MARTIN
Nothing's changed. I still want to get re-married, she doesn't. There was nothing else to discuss so we just had a drink.
NILES
Are you sure you're OK? Or are you just drunk? How many fingers am I holding up?
MARTIN
I'm fine. I'm happy without her.
FRASIER
That makes two of us. In fact happy is not the word. Euphoric is more of an appropriate term.
ROZ
Well I'd better hit the road. Before the quiz tomorrow is the station softball tournament, I'm Captain and I need my rest.
FRASIER
What time am I meeting you down there?
ROZ
What for? Oh you want to play?
FRASIER
Oh course, why don't you want me to? I thought I'd be one of the first names on your team sheet.
DAPHNE
One of the first names crossed off the team sheet more like.
ROZ
Frasier how to I out this politely?
MARTIN
A one legged chicken would be able to bat with more accuracy.
ROZ
Exactly. And they'd be able to hold the bat better too.
FRASIER
Oh I see, I'm too athletically challenged to play on your team, is that what you're trying to say?
ROZ
No, that's what I'm trying really hard not to say. Why are you even interested? It's sports, you know running, jumping, sweating?
FRASIER
Just because a person has book smarts doesn't mean they can't be a sporting figure as well.
NILES
Here we go again.
FRASIER
Fine then I'll get my own team.
DAPHNE
Niles, stand still, maybe to won't be able to see you.
FRASIER
Isn't this right Niles?
NILES
Hi my name's Niles we haven't met before. The last thing I want to do is spend the morning having small balls hurtling towards my head and rolling in the dirt, I'm not Eddie.
ROZ
Daphne you'll be on my team won't you?
DAPHNE
On your bleedin' bike I will. There's no chance that I'll get mixed up with you two again.
ROZ
Fine, see you tomorrow slugger, when I pound you again.
FRASIER
Fine, be prepared to eat my dust.
ROZ EXITS AS FRASIER PICKS UP HIS SHIRTS OFF THE TABLE
MARTIN
Are you telling me you are prepared to go sliding around in the dirt should you accidentally make contact with the ball? You can't hit a ball if you swung a mattress at it.
NILES
You wouldn't slide in the dirt if your trousers were on fire.
FRASIER
I can get down and dirty with the best of them. I don't always have to be prim and proper you know. What happened to my shirt?
DAPHNE
Quick run.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT TO HER ROOM
MARTIN
This will only end in tears.
FRASIER
Yes Roz's when I crush her.
MARTIN
I was thinking mine actually when you swing to hit the ball and probably knock yourself out with your follow through.
AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN START TO REPACK THE BEAVERS BACK INTO THE CARDBOARD BOXES AND SEAL THEM UP. WHILE MARTIN ISN'T LOOKING FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM IN ONE OF THE BOXES AND STARTS TO SEAL IT UP. MARTIN HEARS EDDIE WHINING THOUGH AND OPENS THE BOX. HE THEN TAKES EDDIE OUT, SLAPS FRASIER ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM
