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Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-One
You Oughta Be In Pictures

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. JEWELLERY STORE — MORNING — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Store Clerk, Manager, Punk)

NILES AND FRASIER STAND IN A LARGE JEWELLERY STORE LOOKING AT RINGS IN VARIOUS CASES. THE STORE CLERK STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER WHILE THE MANAGER DEALS WITH ANOTHER CUSTOMER ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.

NILES

What do you think of this one?

FRASIER

I like it Niles. I've liked the last two hundred and thirty—two rings in two states in four days that we've looked at. If you don't pick one soon you'll be too old to consummate anything on your honeymoon and will spend the time picking corn out from each other's dentures and playing back gammon.

NILES

You can make anything sound sexy when you put your mind to it. You're awfully snippy again today. Did you wake up on the wrong side of no one again this morning?

FRASIER

I wouldn't exactly put it that way. The first image that registered this morning was the sight of Eddie licking himself in a place that only dogs can reach. The next thing I knew that same little tongue was rubbing itself all over my face and other parts of my anatomy that I'd care not to mention. Needless to say remind me never again to go to sleep without shorts.

NILES

I thought your skin looked less oily this morning. On your face obviously, I don't want to know about the other places, I can do without that added trauma. What about this one?

POINTING AT ANOTHER RING

FRASIER

Why do you assume I'm the authority on engagement rings? I'm a psychiatrist not some high society cat burglar.

NILES

Well because you've bought three of them. Only Elizabeth Taylor knows more on this subject than you.

FRASIER

Oh I've only been married twice and may I remind you that this will be three times lucky for you?

STORE CLERK

(UTTERLY AMAZED) You've been married twice?

FRASIER

Yes. And what's with the tone? Is that so hard to believe?

STORE CLERK

Yeah it is. Were they blind mail order brides?

FRASIER

As a matter of fact, no they weren't. You earn commission don't you?

STORE CLERK

Yes I do.

FRASIER

In that case we'll be purchasing off that man not you.

THEY MOVE ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE

NILES

I want something sizeable but not too garish. Ooh what about that one?

FRASIER

Niles that's a crystal ashtray. If you try slipping that on her finger you may very well break it. And I don't think that will improve your chances of getting a 'yes'. It'll just improve your chances of getting a kick in the groin. In other words my current idea of a successful date.

NILES

What is wrong with you? If I didn't know any better I'd say you'd forgot to put on your happy pants this morning.

FRASIER

If I didn't know any better I'd say you spend too much time with Daphne. I'm sorry I'm just in a rotten mood and I suspect it won't improve taking into consideration that I've got to go to work and fight past the silicone people at the station.

NILES

Is that the name for your new fan club? I think insane, schizophrenic people with chronic bad taste would be more appropriate.

FRASIER

No, and don't make fun of my fans. They're very nice people, when kept a fair distance. We're having photos taken around the station for the next year's calendar. Except Kenny doesn't want to use the real work force of the station this year. Oh no. He has to bring in a bunch of artificial models to do the job.

NILES

This is eating you up isn't it?

FRASIER

Like a cannibal coming to the end of a sponsored famine. I work at that station it should be my face on the calendar. I mean what's the matter aren't I handsome enough?

NILES

In my opinion, no Frasier, you're not. But I'm not in this relationship for your looks, but for who you are, honey-bun.

FRASIER

Keep your voice down, this is how rumours get started and I have enough trouble attracting women without adding the repellent of them believing I'm gay to the mixture as well.

NILES

Maybe they just don't think a calendar with you wearing a bikini, smothered in baby oil spread across the console on the front cover will be a best seller. They want people to mark special occasions on them, not bring up their breakfast on them. And anyway Frasier you have your face on buses is that not enough?

FRASIER

No.

NILES

Hey I just thought of something, you're the only person I can say, "you look like the back end of a bus" to and you can't get offended.

FRASIER

Can't I? Try me. Do you want me to help you or not?

NILES

Of course I do.

MANAGER

Is this ring for an engagement? Or is it something for you to wear?

NILES

Well it's a diamond ring from the engagement section, so the obvious guess would be I need something dressy to go with my new diamond earrings and black purse I was given for Christmas to attend the opera in. It's for my girlfriend. (TO FRASIER) Now look at this one. What do you think?

FRASIER

It's very nice, in a wrist and bank breaking kind of way. If the sun catches it right she'll be able to blind everyone in a four-block radius. That is if she'll be able to lift her arm.

NILES

Now what would you think if you were Daphne?

FRASIER

What the hell am I doing sleeping with you and massaging Dad's ass on the money I pay her. Oh that reminds me of the craziest thing my Grammy Moon used to say.

NILES

Would you mind not mocking the woman I love.

FRASIER

I would mind actually, it's become somewhat of a hobby of late. So when are you going to propose? Are you going to surprise her?

NILES

No I don't want to surprise her, I thought I'd tell her about it and then propose to her. Given the fact that she has no clue I'm going to do this, she shouldn't be surprised in the least.

FRASIER

I'll let that one go, but only for the fact that finally one of is marrying someone that the other one can stand the sight of.

A PUNK DRESSED ALL IN LEATHER WITH MORE BODY PIERCING'S THEN YOU CAN COUNT WITHOUT LOOSING TRACK ENTERS

NILES

And even if you couldn't I'd rather poke your eyes out with a sharp stick so you wouldn't have to stand the sight of her than leave her. That's it, this is the ring.

PUNK

Oh are you going to buy that one?

NILES

(BACKING AWAY) Yes, why?

PUNK

I was just going to buy it for my fiancée that's all. It's such a beautiful ring, don't you think?

NILES

Well you should know, you have such wonderful taste. (SMOOTHING OUT HIS LEATHER WAIST COAT) I'm sure it'll match her nose ring and the tattoo on her forehead. In fact here you go, I don't like it that much.

NILES, WIPING HIS HANDS ON HIS HANDKERCHIEF, AND FRASIER MOVE TOWARDS THE EXIT

NILES (CONT'D)

(HORRIFIED) What kind of store is this?

FRASIER

Thankfully for some, not one that you have to pass through a metal detector prior to entering.

NILES

Let's go back to the store where they gave us that Brie.

FRASIER

I am not driving back to Portland. And you didn't even like anything there, you just kept muttering 'tacky, tacky, tacky' to yourself.

NILES

I know but I'm beginning to feel a bit queasy, I want to know what the expiration date on that Brie was.

NILES EXITS HOLDING HIS STOMACH

FRASIER

You'd better not vomit in my car, I've just had it serviced.

NILES

(FROM OUTSIDE) It's all me, me, me with you isn't it?

AS FRASIER EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'SHE ACTUALLY USES A BRANDING IRON TO MARK HER MEN'

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Kenny, Brock, Lucy, Gill)

THE SHOW HAS FINISHED AND AS FRASIER CLOSES UP HIS BRIEFCASE, ROZ PRESSES HERSELF UP THE WINDOW LOOKING OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR STARING AT ALL THE MODELS

ROZ

(FANNING HERSELF) Oh my God. Oh my God.

FRASIER

Roz control yourself, it's just a bunch of models not the actual Lord and saviour standing out there.

ROZ

I know but they are just so pretty. I just want to spread them on a cracker and spend a couple of hours licking it off.

FRASIER

It's nice to know your hormones are well under control.

ROZ

Under control? They caught the sent and I unleashed them to sent mark and defend everything with tight buns in tight leather trousers in the building.

FRASIER

Spare me.

ROZ

Don't worry I will. The only thing tight about you is your ass. I'm sorry Frasier that one even surprised me. Oh my God, so pretty.

FRASIER

How can you tell under all that make-up? For all you know he could look just like...

ROZ

(BLUNTLY) You

FRASIER

I was going to say like Frankenstein after failed plastic surgery in which he was turned into a half monster-half wilder beast, but the tone that you said "you" in was far more insulting to me.

ROZ

Then I'll just have to rub myself all over him, until I get it all off, and I don't mean the make-up. Oh come to momma.

ROZ EXITS AS KENNY ENTERS

KENNY

Hi Doc, how are you doing?

FRASIER

Kenny I still can't believe you did this. Not only did you not let the stars on the station pose for this calendar but you had to bring all of these people down here and cause this distraction.

KENNY

Oh they haven't cause that much of a distraction.

FRASIER

Oh really? There was a four-car pile up outside the building when they pulled up, but fortunately Chopper Dave was already here to cover it since he didn't want to fly today because he'd miss all the pretty people and to top it all off when I asked Roz who was on the line, the response I got was 'pretty, pretty, pretty'. Something that Brenda, who had a self-esteem problem because in her words she looks like something that escaped from Easter Island, didn't appreciate.

KENNY

Ok so maybe it was a bad idea. What do you want me to do about it?

FRASIER

Hose Roz down for starters. Either that or fit her with a bib to mop up some of the drool. She nearly short-circuited all the phone lines when Mr. August walked past the window.

ROZ ENTERS WITH BROCK

ROZ

Frasier I want you to meet Brock Valentine or Mr. December.

BROCK

That's the month I'm on, not my secret identity by the way. People usually call me Mr. Valentine not Mr. December.

FRASIER

(JOKING) Of the Tacoma Valentines I take it?

BROCK

That's right. How do you do Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Just fine thankyou Brock.

ROZ

Brock's a campaigner for animal rights.

FRASIER

(JOKING) Really? What like, the right to vote? Or the right for them to attend church on Sunday's?

BROCK

Yes that's right, it's just not fair to ignore their voice and deny them the chance to worship the Lord just because they walk on three legs and lick themselves.

FRASIER

You mean four legs?

BROCK

Not my dog I don't. I ran him over backing out my car.

FRASIER

I see.

BROCK

I didn't, he ran right out behind me. It took me a while to realise what it was. I felt for sure that I didn't have a speed bump on my driveway. But who knows what work has been done in the night. And anyway if you saw it happen why didn't you warn me? Surely you could have shot up a flare or something.

ROZ

He didn't mean it like that. Brock's going to take me down to this cute little bar he knows after he's finished with the photo shoot.

BROCK

It's great, there's a new pinball machine down there, which you just have to try out. You have to head butt it!

KENNY

Why do you do that? To get a free game?

BROCK

No, it gives you the most amazing head rush. You see stars for ages once the headache and the nausea eventually go away. Anyway I'll catch you later Roz.

BROCK EXITS WITH KENNY AS ROZ STARES AFTER HIM

ROZ

(FANNING HERSELF) Oh my God, could he be anymore...

FRASIER

Blatantly and dangerously stupid?

ROZ

No gorgeous. Come on you have to admit that even you want to run up to him and plant a big wet one on those pretty cheeks.

FRASIER

I hope you're referring to the cheeks on his face.

ROZ

Interpret it anyway that'll make you feel better.

FRASIER

I do not want to kiss any part of his anatomy thankyou very much. And how do you know about my 'wet one's' anyway?

ROZ

I spoke to Rita in accounting after you got drunk and made out with her at the Christmas party. Trust me the comparison with you and her ninety-year-old Grandmother sucking an egg with no teeth in wasn't flattering. I'd have a word with her if I were you before she tells anyone else. I'd have done it myself but I was too busy rolling around laughing.

FRASIER

Moving swiftly along, why are you going out with him anyway?

ROZ

Do I really need to tell you, or shall I just leave it up to your imagination. I don't what to make smoke come out of your ears. But I'll draw a diagram if you want me to.

FRASIER

You have absolutely nothing in common, apart from the desire for a certain amount of friction between your bodies.

ROZ

So?

FRASIER

There is obviously no chance of a future with this man, unless you intend to keep him as a pet.

ROZ

Well you never know one day...

FRASIER

Science may move along far enough for a brain transplant? I wouldn't hold my breath.

ROZ

What's wrong with just having a little fun?

FRASIER

This relationship is just based on a sexual attraction.

ROZ

Is there a better place to start?

FRASIER

I just don't approve OK. It's not right to date someone, solely based on looks just for a quick roll in the hay when you know very well that it has no future.

ROZ

Oh believe me it won't be quick roll. I intend to find us a very steep hill and I'm not stopping until I hit the bottom and the Police arrive to arrest us unless we get dressed in the next two seconds. By the way that actually happened. Didn't you just love college?

FRASIER

I'll try to contain my amazement.

ROZ EXITS THROUGH HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER GATHERS HIS BRIEFCASE AND EXITS CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

RESET TO:

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GOES TO TURN THE CORNER AS KENNY AND LUCY APPROACH HIM. SHE IS WEARING AN OUTFIT THAT LOOKS AS IF IT'S MADE PURELY FROM LEOPARD SKIN

KENNY

Hey Doc, I have someone I want to introduce you to. This is Lucy Day or Miss. September, as she's also known. She's a really big fan of your show.

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO TRIP OVER HIS OWN TONGUE

LUCY

It's true I am. I've been turning you on for years.

FRASIER

Well what can I say, I'm an awfully big fan of yours as well.

LUCY

Oh you buy a lot of teenage girl magazines? I wouldn't repeat that in front of any Police officers.

FRASIER

Oh no, only when there's a free gift, like a lipstick or a make-up case. It looks as if I'm wearing a little blush right now.

LUCY

But in a very adorable way.

FRASIER

So Lucy what do you do?

GILL OPENS THE BOOTH DOOR AND ENTERS LEAVING IT OPEN. THIS IS UNSEEN BY FRASIER

LUCY

(CONFUSED) I'm a model. I'm here for the photo shoot.

FRASIER

Oh of course yes. Sorry a slight sudden case of temporally amnesia. It's stress probably. I'm fine now. I'm a psychiatrist.

LUCY

I know. As I said I'm a fan of your show. Although to be honest and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I think psychiatry is a lot of hooey.

FRASIER

Maybe you're right. After all Freud wanted to sleep with his mother, and was obsessed with his penis that's hardly a person to preach from. Lock up and poke with pointed sticks more like. This is a very striking outfit.

LUCY

I just adore cats. I love the feel of their fur. If I could I'd spend all day naked, with just my kittens running about all over my bare flesh.

FRASIER

(MESMERISED) Really?

FRASIER GOES TO PUT HIS HAND ON THE BOOTH DOOR TO LEAN ON IT AND STEADY HIMSELF. AS IT'S NOW OPEN THERE IS NOTHING TO STOP HIM FROM FALLING AND HE LANDS FLAT ON THE FLOOR

LUCY

(CONCERNED) Are you OK?

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN

FRASIER

I'm fine. I was just inspecting the tiles there. They seem fine apart from the one I just cracked with my elbow.

LUCY

(EMBARRASSED) Well it was nice meeting you.

FRASIER

Likewise.

LUCY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh my God could I have made a bigger idiot of myself?

KENNY

Only if you'd have passed out and peed down your leg. By the way I've done that, and I didn't get any. She's obviously hot for you, why don't you ask her out?

FRASIER

I can't do that. Not after all the fuss I made to Roz about doing exactly the same thing. That would make me sound like such a hypocrite. It would make me seem a superficial as she is. I doubt we have anything in common and the whole relationship would be based purely on a sexual attraction.

KENNY

Just don't tell Roz.

FRASIER

Kenny why do you have to over simplify absolutely everything? (THEN) Kenny you're a genius.

LUCY ENTERS FOLLOWING A CAMERAMAN AS KENNY EXITS INTO THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Excuse me, Lucy. I was just wondering if you would like to...

ROZ ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Quick get in here.

FRASIER PUSHES LUCY INTO THE MEN'S ROOM AND THEY EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. KACL MEN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER PUSHES LUCY INTO THE EMPTY MEN'S ROOM AND THEN CLOSES THE DOOR

LUCY

As much as I like the inside of men's rooms, what with that funky smell and the strange fungus growing on the ceiling, I don't really want to watch you pee if it's all the same with you.

FRASIER

(BEGINNING TO RAMBLE) I was just hiding from my producer Roz. Because you see she has a big crush on me and I didn't want to upset her because I wanted to ask you if you'd go out with me sometime?

LUCY

I would love to. I noticed a real attraction between us but I didn't want to act on it in case I scared you off. Now I guess I don't have to worry.

LUCY THEN POUNCES ON FRASIER AND KISSES HIM. THEY FALL BACK THROUGH THE DOOR INTO ONE OF THE CUBICLES AS KENNY ENTERS

KENNY

Doc, you have a lot to learn about first dates. Like it's not a good idea to do that with a toilet brush.

AS KENNY EXITS AGAIN TO LEAVE THEM ALONE WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Eddie)

FRASIER IS TALKING ON THE PHONE IN THE DARKENED APARTMENT APART FROM THE FLICKER OF THE FIRE AND SEVERAL CANDLES. HE HAS A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES ON THE TABLE. EDDIE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND WATCHES HIM

FRASIER

(ON THE PHONE) Niles just calm down. Now the possibility that she'll say no is so remote I wouldn't even concern yourself with it. I wasn't suggesting that she would say no. Of course she'll say yes. Niles stop hyperventilating. Niles you'll pass out if you're not careful. And seeing you unconscious on the floor without pants and drooling may give Daphne the wrong impression of the evening ahead. Niles...? What an idiot.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WITH HIS COAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Dad are you leaving now?

MARTIN

Don't worry I'm on my way. I don't know where to yet, but I'm going. I'll probably just end up walking the streets all night that's if I don't get attacked. But even if I do, don't feel obligated to come down to the morgue straight away to identify my body, you finish your date first, I won't be going anywhere after all.

FRASIER

(IGNORING HIM) OK, bye Dad.

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER OPENS THE WINE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

You could learn a lot from me young Edward. About that old thing could love. Amore. You'll learn that you don't just pounce on your date like a leopard on a zebra carcass. Or should I say you don't just pounce on my towel warmer, especially when I turn up the temperature. And if I catch you doing it again, I very well may do that. I'm not afraid to grill that little Vienna sausage of yours. Now a little romantic music, enough to cement the deal.

SFX: TELEPHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE AS HE TURNS THE STEREO ON

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(ON THE PHONE) Oh what now. Niles you passed out you idiot, just put your pants back on. Oh sorry, hi Roz. Oh you know just having a quiet evening in. No, that's OK you enjoy your date even though it's wrong. You have nothing in common with the man. You'll only in it for his looks and the certainty of having sex. I am not jealous. It's just not the right thing to do. I'm not trying to make you feel a bit guilty. I'm trying to make you feel so guilty that the thought of touching any part of his anatomy will cause you to feel nauseous and vomit on his pretty shoes. Don't you dare hang up on me. Don't you dare.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SEES EDDIE STARING AT HIM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh now don't you look at me like that. I'm not a hypocrite. I know that it's wrong, where as she doesn't, so therefore that makes it OK for me but not for her. My point is valid and correct. Did I ask for your opinion?

EDDIE HIDES HIS FACE DOWN THE SIDE OF MARTIN'S CHAIR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I didn't ask you to agree with me.

AS FRASIER POURS THE WINE WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'HAVING A STANDARD, GOD GIVEN, COUGH REFLEX WOULD HAVE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE'

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' FIRST FLOOR LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Daphne, Niles)

NILES IN HIS BEST SUIT SITS ON THE COUCH ON HIS FIRST FLOOR, WITH DAPHNE SITTING CLOSE NEXT TO HIM ON HIS RIGHT AND MARTIN ASLEEP ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH ON HIS LEFT. THE ROOM IS DARK APART FROM THE FLICKER THAT COMES FROM THE TELEVISION SET. AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO SNORE AND DAPHNE IS TRANSFIXED ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN, NILES SNUGGLES IN CLOSER TO HER. HE TURNS AND GOES TO KISS HER NECK WHEN THE FILM CAUSES HER TO JUMP AND SCREAM. THIS IN TURN FRIGHTENS NILES AND CAUSES HIM TO SHOUT AND WAKE UP MARTIN

MARTIN

(SLEEPILY) What is going on?

DAPHNE

Sorry the movie frightened me. Decapitation scenes always do that to me. Especially when a bunny is involved.

MARTIN

And why were you squealing?

NILES

Daphne frightened me.

DAPHNE

That's finished. I'm going to be having nightmares all night tonight, you see if I don't.

DAPHNE SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AS NILES TURNS ON A LAMP

MARTIN

That makes two of us.

NILES

Oh you slept through most of it, what nightmares could you possibly be having?

MARTIN

Nightmares of the fact you made me stand out on the balcony in the rain to eat my pizza and then hoovered me in case I had any crumbs on me. I could have brought Eddie to do that.

NILES

Oh and that's just what I want as well, dog hairs. This is a very expensive couch. (HORRIFIED) That you've been drooling on for the last hour! Dear God Dad is there no off switch on your saliva? You're going to drown yourself one of these days unless we build you some sort of arc to wear around your neck.

MARTIN

Oh quit your moaning.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

NILES STARTS TO CLEAR THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE HELPS MARTIN DOWN THE STAIRS

MARTIN

Thanks a lot guys for letting me clear out here. But when Frasier said he had a date I was so surprised that I didn't know where to clear out to. Are you sure I wasn't interrupting anything special?

NILES BLOWS OUT TWO CANDLES THAT HAVE BURNT RIGHT DOWN ON THE TABLE

NILES

Oh course not Dad, why would you possibly think that? (UNDER HIS BREATH) The fact that I'm going to club you with the candelabra is a completely unrelated matter.

MARTIN

Well it should be safe to go home now.

DAPHNE

This is one of Dr. Crane's dates remember. It's pretty much safe to go home ten minutes after his date arrives. By that time they've normally burst into tears and are trying to throw themselves off the balcony. Either that or rendering a knife and threatening to use it on him if he says one more word.

MARTIN

I guess your right. Well I'm off to hit the sack.

NILES

You can't possibly have any more sleep left in you. Have you ever considered the fact that you may have narcolepsy? Or sleeping sickness? Or be one step away from lapsing into a small coma?

MARTIN

Nope but I've often considered the fact that I have smart-assed kids. Daphne are you coming?

DAPHNE

No, I'm going to stop here tonight. Are you sure you're going to be all right getting home on your own?

MARTIN

I think so, I just need to remember don't take rides or candy off strangers and if I get lost to find a Policeman. But can you write the directions on the back of my hand again please?

DAPHNE

Fine, off you go, you miserable old sod.

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PLATES OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

I'll see you tomorrow Dad.

MARTIN

Yeah bye son, have a nice evening.

MARTIN EXITS AND NILES SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE TAKING OUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING FROM HIS POCKET. HE PUTS IT BACK IN HIS POCKET AND THEN PRACTICES BY BENDING DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PULLING OUT THE RING. HE DOES THIS SEVERAL TIMES WHILE PSYCHING HIMSELF UP. HE THEN STANDS, TAKES A DEEP BREATHE, DRINKS A GLASS OF WINE FROM THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HAS HER BACK TO THE DOOR WASHING SOME PLATES UP AS NILES ENTERS. SHE DOESN'T HEAR HIM AND CONTINUES TO WASH UP. NILES OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT THEN CHANGES HIS MIND. INSTEAD HE SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER WAIST. THE MOMENT HE TOUCHES HER, SHE JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SCREAMS, GRABS HIS FINGER AND BENDS IT BACK REDUCING HIM TO ON HIS KNEES

NILES

Oh my God Daphne what are you doing?

DAPHNE

I'm sorry you scared me. I didn't know who it was.

NILES

You're in my apartment. Who did you think it was? Winston Churchill offering you a cigar and a cup of tea?

DAPHNE

I'm sorry but that movie frightened me. How was I to know you weren't going to make a set of bagpipes from my liver?

NILES

Because I'm Niles. Remember we've met before? It was right before you left your fiancé and slept with me.

DAPHNE

Are you all right? Did I hurt you?

NILES

No my finger has always bent back that far. It's a party trick. (VERY APOLOGETICALLY) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

DAPHNE

Sit down and I'll get you some ice for it.

NILES SITS AT THE TABLE AS DAPHNE GETS SOME ICE FROM THE FREEZER

NILES

It's not that bad actually. It doesn't hurt anymore.

DAPHNE SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT HIS FINGER

DAPHNE

Are you sure? Let me see. Does it hurt when I do this?

SHE STARTS TO BEND HIS FINGER BACK

NILES

No

DAPHNE

How about this?

NILES

No

DAPHNE

What about this?

SFX: A SNAPPING NOISE

NILES

Ok now it's excruciating. Pain flying up my arm and into my ear. And leg's going numb!

DAPHNE

I think I've broken it.

NILES

OK I'm possibly about to faint. Yes I was right.

THE MOMENT NILES FINISHES SPEAKING, HIS EYES CLOSE AND HE PASSES OUT, LANDING WITH HIS HEAD BANGING ON THE TABLE

DAPHNE

(POKING HIM) Niles! Niles! I'll have to take you to the emergency room.

DAPHNE WALKS UP BEHIND NILES AND HOOKS HER ARMS UNDER HIS AND LIFTS HIM OUT OF THE CHAIR AND LIES HIM DOWN ON THE FLOOR. SHE THEN GRABS HIS FEET AND STARTS TO DRAG HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN, WHILE STRETCHING TO KEEP THE DOOR FROM SLAMMING ON HIM. EVENTUALLY SHE LOOSES CONTROL OF THE DOOR, IT SWINGS SHUT AND HITS NILES ON THE HEAD, WHICH IS STILL IN THE DOORWAY. SHE THEN PULLS HIM OUT OF THE DOOR AND GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES TO EXAMINE HIS HEAD

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh what the hell I'll tell him he did it when he passed out.

AS DAPHNE DRAGS NILES THROUGH THE DOOR AND THEY EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Lucy)

LUCY SITS ON THE FLOOR IN THE LOTUS POSITION BY THE BAR AS FRASIER WATCHES FROM OFF THE COUCH AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Hi Frasier, is the coast clear?

FRASIER

What do you mean?

MARTIN

Have you seen any German's trying to invade? Hitler's back and he's more determined then ever. What do you think I mean? Has your date gone yet?

FRASIER

Not exactly Dad.

MARTIN

Oh well don't worry, I'll go to my room.

FRASIER

There's no need really.

MARTIN

Yeah but I don't want to see that. It's bad enough I walked in on Niles and Daphne that one time. I'm traumatised for life as it is without seeing you as well. Where is she?

FRASIER

She's over there meditating. She hasn't spoken or moved in the last hour and a half. If it goes on much longer I may have to call the paramedics. I'm not one hundred percent sure she isn't dead.

MARTIN

Well an evening's conversation with you can have that effect on a perfectly healthy person.

FRASIER

It must happen a lot, you get yourself so relaxed that your heart just stops.

MARTIN

It happens all the time, that's why hot tubs are such death traps. Those air jets work so well that they relax you right into a casket six feet under. That's why they all come with health warnings these days. Why did I even bother to send you to medical school?

FRASIER

Dad can you help me here?

MARTIN

Fine, you breathe for her, I'll pound her chest with my cane. If her breastplate breaks we'll say a ceiling tile fell on her.

FRASIER

I didn't mean that. Dad, I'm in real trouble. I'm dating a model, one of the most beautiful women in the world and she wants to sleep with me desperately.

MARTIN

Dear God you are in trouble. How will you ever over come this trauma? You stay here I'll call the sanatorium and see if they can come by with some sedatives and a straight jacket.

FRASIER

That's very amusing. She is by far one of the most intelligent and articulate people I've met for a long time. She's well read she even speaks a couple of languages.

MARTIN

Then what's the big deal?

FRASIER

Apart from being able to send soup back in three different languages we have absolutely nothing in common. She thinks psychiatry is a whole lot of hooey and she's a cat person.

MARTIN

So you've dated cat people before.

FRASIER

Not one that likes to strip naked and roll around with their kittens. Hell she even started to rub Eddie up her legs at one point this evening until the static got too much and we could stick him to the wall.

MARTIN

That's a little strange but I still don't see what you're problem is.

FRASIER

She started to sent mark your chair. This relationship is based solely on a psychical attraction. If it weren't for her looks I wouldn't have even asked her out.

MARTIN

Once again I don't see what your problem is. We all know you're shallow, we've known for years.

FRASIER

Thanks Dad. I am such a hypocrite. I got on my high horse and took a bite out of Roz for doing exactly the same thing. And now here I am doing it as well.

MARTIN

Life doesn't have to be this hard Frasier. What's wrong with having a little fun?

FRASIER

But I know this isn't going to go anywhere, so I should end it. This is just something I shouldn't be doing.

MARTIN

You've been through this before with Caitlin. This time you're looking for someone to tell you that it's all right since you mouthed off at Roz. This is what it's about. You want to be told that it's all right for you to do this but not for her.

FRASIER

Well go on then.

MARTIN

Frasier for once in your safe button down life have a little fun. Don't think about the consequences. I mean who knows when the next time that a beautiful model... well anything female that moves will want to sleep with you. Enjoy it.

FRASIER

You know sometimes Dad you're quite the motivational speaker. And by the way that wasn't at all insulting or a knock to my confidence.

MARTIN

Just make sure Roz doesn't catch you.

SUDDENLY LUCY OPENS HER EYES AND STANDS UP

FRASIER

Agreed. Oh Lucy are you feeling all right?

LUCY

Do you have an angora sweater or something? I feel the need to rub myself up something comforting.

MARTIN

Well I'd offer but I'm tired.

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM CUBICLE — EVENING — DAY/2
(Dr. Kramer, Niles, Daphne)

NILES, WITH AN ICE PACK WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGERS, AND DAPHNE STAND WAITING IN A SIDE CUBICLE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. DR. KRAMER ENTERS AND CLOSES THE CURTAIN

DR. KRAMER

Well hello there sonny. Have you got a boo-boo?

NILES

Excuse me? I've hurt my finger, I haven't gone insane, they must have mis-marked my chart.

DR. KRAMER

I'm sorry, I normally work with children. Sometimes I just forget and slip right into my old routine. Now if you just jump up here on to Mr. Bed I'll be with you in two shakes of Larry the Lambs tail.

NILES CLIMBS UP ONTO THE BED AND LIES DOWN AS DR. KRAMER EXITS

DAPHNE

Let me take that ice pack off.

DAPHNE SLOWLY UNWRAPS THE ICEPACK FROM AROUND HIS FINGER

NILES

Ouch

DAPHNE

Ouch

NILES

Ouch

DAPHNE

Oh ouch

NILES

This is my finger, let me do the ouches. Ouch! Tell me again what happened to my head?

DAPHNE

You hit the edge of the table when you passed out.

NILES

Then why does it hurt on both sides?

DAPHNE

It was one of those freak occurrences honey. Your head bounced like a Ping-Pong ball off the table and kept turning around, like a pig on a spit roast.

NILES

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

HE KISSES HER

DAPHNE

Niles I practically snapped your finger in two you have every right to yell.

NILES

Well can I suggest that we never watch another horror movie as long as we live? I'm afraid of what you'll snap next.

DAPHNE

I agree. We'll stick to Disney and all things rated G.

NILES

I know this isn't exactly the most appropriate place, but I want you to hold onto it until we get home. I have something to give you.

NILES PUTS HIS GOOD HAND IN HIS POCKET AND FISHES AROUND ONLY TO FIND THAT IT IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A PIECE OF LINT

DAPHNE

What is it?

NILES

It's err... this piece of lint.

HE GIVES HER THE PIECE OF LINT AND SHE PRETENDS TO LIKE IT

DAPHNE

Oh wouldn't you know, just what I always wanted.

NILES

I thought as much. It matches your eyes.

DAPHNE

It's red.

NILES

Well obviously when they're bloodshot.

NILES LOOKS AWAY DISAPPOINTED, AS DAPHNE IS COMPLETELY BEWILDERED AND DR. KRAMER ENTERS WITH A DOCTOR PUPPET ON HIS HAND AND WEARING A PAIR OF VERY THICK GLASSES

DR. KRAMER

And I'm back and so is Dr. Spoggles. Say hello to Dr. Spoggles. Oh he likes you. Don't worry these aren't my real glasses, they're just the ones I operate in. I'm only joking. They don't let me operate anymore. I'm prone to violent spasms in my arm, which isn't a good thing when you're trying to sow up an artery inside someone's open chest wound. I often miss and sow it to their forehead. And besides I was getting fed up with all the law suits, it gets a little boring when people keep pointing fingers and calling you incompetent for the thirtieth or fortieth time. I mean buddy think of something new to say. Now let's take a look at this finger. All we can do is strap it together with you other fingers. Now this may be a little sore.

DR. KRAMER BEGINS TO STRAP HIS FINGERS TOGETHER AS NILES SQUIRMS AROUND DUE TO THE PAIN

NILES

Ouch, ouch

DR. KRAMER

OK now just breathe, breathe. Take in deep breaths. Maybe you can coach him with his breathing.

DAPHNE HOLDS NILES' GOOD HAND AND KEEPS HIM CLOSE. FROM THIS MOMENT ON NILES' BREATHING AND THE WAY HE IS BEING COACHED LOOKS LIKE HE IS ACTUALLY GIVING BIRTH

DAPHNE

Come on honey, you're doing so well. Just breathe through it.

DR. KRAMER

Almost done.

NILES

Ouch, ouch. Haven't you got any drugs?

DR. KRAMER

Well my brother used to deal...oh you mean hospital drugs?

NILES

No, worming powder for cats. Oh course hospital drugs.

DR. KRAMER

I'm sorry it's too late for that.

DAPHNE

Just keep breathing honey. Here let me rub your back.

DAPHNE PUSHES HIM FORWARD AND STARTS TO RUB HIS BACK

NILES

Oh my God!!!! (TO DAPHNE) You did this to me.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just keep breathing.

NILES

That's it, if you ever touch me again, I'll drop you with a deer rifle. Ouch, ouch.

DR. KRAMER

(TO DAPHNE) It's OK they all say that.

DAPHNE

You're so brave, you're so brave. I'm so proud of you.

DR. KRAMER

I need you to try to bend your fingers forward. OK now push.

DAPHNE

Come on honey push.

DR. KRAMER

And we're almost done. Push once more for me.

NILES

I can't it hurts too much.

DAPHNE

Just once more. I'm here for you.

DR. KRAMER

Just keep breathing, you're almost done. And here we go. You're all done. I'll just leave you two alone for a moment.

DR. KRAMER PLACES NILES' BANDAGED HAND ON HIS LAP AND NILES AND DAPHNE STARE DOWN LOVINGLY AT IT LIKE A NEWBORN BABY

DAPHNE

I'm so proud of you.

SHE KISSES THE TOP OF HIS HEAD

DR. KRAMER

Before I go, here have a lollypop sonny.

DR. KRAMER GIVES HIM THE LOLLYPOP, TUSSLES HIS HAIR AND THEN SHAKES HIS BAD HAND. THE PAIN ONCE AGAIN CAUSES NILES TO PASS OUT AND THEN FALL OFF THE BED ONTO THE FLOOR

DAPHNE

OK he can't blame me for this one.

AS DR. KRAMER EXITS DAPHNE ATTENDS TO NILES AND WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'THE BENEFITS OF HAVING A BACK DOOR'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Lucy, Roz)

MARTIN SITS EATING HIS BREAKFAST AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Morning Frasier.

FRASIER

Morning Dad.

MARTIN

How did the rest of your date go last night? I see her coat is still hanging up.

FRASIER

Nothing happened. She ripped open one of my pillows, pulled out all the feathers, placed them on the floor under the bed and that's where she slept all night occasionally meowing and purring so loud it sounded as if she was drilling a hole through the floorboards.

MARTIN

You sure can pick them. Never play a game of Russian Roulette.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER, NILES WITH HIS HAND STILL BANDAGED

DAPHNE

Good morning boys.

MARTIN

Morning.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH HIS EMPTY BOWL AS FRASIER, WITH A BEAMING SMILE ACROSS HIS FACE, GOES TO EMBRACE DAPHNE

FRASIER

Good morning Daphne, Niles. And may I be the first one to congratulate you on...

NILES WAVES FRANTICALLY FROM BEHIND DAPHNE'S BACK TO FRASIER TO STOP HIM FROM SAYING ANYTHING

DAPHNE

On what?

FRASIER

(COVERING) On wearing a coat outside. Some people mistake the sight of sunshine for warm weather, but you could still catch a cold out there.

DAPHNE

OK, have you been drinking this morning?

FRASIER

No.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM

NILES

Nice save. I'm not referring to your sanity.

FRASIER

What's going on? I thought you were all set to pop the question last night. What happened?

NILES HOLDS UP HIS BANDAGED HAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I see, so she just broke your finger. Well I'd interpret that as a 'no' if I were you. It'll save you the embarrassment of booking a church and her not showing up.

NILES

And you'd know all about that. I didn't get that far. Dad showed up with a video, which scared her to death. Then when he left, I went to do it, but I spooked her and my no longer being able to dial my phone is the result. And although it wasn't the most romantic place, I tried to do it in the emergency room, but my ring was gone. I guess it must have fallen out of my pocket while Daphne was dragging me across the floor.

FRASIER

Why was she dragging you across the floor?

NILES

I passed out.

FRASIER

Oh dear. Well next time try doing it in a room full of bubble wrap to avoid any unnecessary injuries.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND NOTICES NILES' HAND

MARTIN

Hey Niles what happened to your finger?

NILES

Daphne broke it.

MARTIN

I know she's your girlfriend and you love her and all but you have to remember, no means no.

NILES

That stupid movie frightened her. And then she just attacked me. I'm just thankful that she was washing the plates and not the cutlery at the time. She could have cut it off altogether.

MARTIN

In that case just be thankful that it was your finger and nothing else. That would have made your eyes water.

NILES

Thanks for the sympathy Dad.

MARTIN

You're my son, you're welcome.

LUCY ENTERS WEARING ONE OF FRASIER'S SHIRTS. NILES' JAW DROPS OPEN THE MOMENT HE SEES HER

LUCY

Good morning everyone.

FRASIER

Good morning. Lucy let me introduce you to my brother, Niles. Niles this is Lucy.

NILES

It's a pleasure to meet you.

LUCY

Likewise.

FRASIER

There's some coffee in the kitchen if you'd like a cup.

LUCY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Niles stop pulling that face. You look like a dead fish. Nothing happened last night.

NILES

That's your date? My God did you drug her or just cast a spell to get her to go out with you? No wait it's a bribe isn't it?

FRASIER

No.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

NILES

Wow! What a babe-er-rama!

DAPHNE

Are my ears burning?

LUCY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A CUP OF COFFEE

LUCY

Good morning.

DAPHNE

Of course they're not how silly of me to think it.

LUCY EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM

NILES

(GRINNING UNCONTROLLABLY) She's a model. She's Frasier's.

DAPHNE

Well you can't borrow her so don't even think about asking. (TO FRASIER) I don't believe you.

FRASIER

What? I'm a man. I'm allowed to be superficial. It's expected.

DAPHNE

After all that fuss you made to Roz about that bloke and you do the same thing.

FRASIER

I have not done the same thing. To start with she's not a 'bloke', second of all (BEGINNING TO WHINE) I'm a bad, bad man aren't I? I'll never hear the end of it if Roz finds out.

DAPHNE

Then you know what you have to do, to make sure she doesn't find out.

FRASIER

I am not bribing you.

DAPHNE

That's not what I was thinking.

MARTIN

I was

NILES

Me too.

DAPHNE

No, you get rid of her and then she won't find out. And I don't mean clubbing her on the head and hiding her in the septic tank, like me brother Nigel did. But then that was a completely different situation, it was the Vicar's wife which was odd really because it was rumoured she was a lesbian and had a foot fetish.

NILES

You know Daphne I am a therapist.

MARTIN

At this point I don't think one will do it.

FRASIER

Anyway. You're right. But I should be fine, what are the chances Roz will be around here this early?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Hi guys

MARTIN AND NILES START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY

ROZ (CONT'D)

What's so funny?

NILES TRIES TO ANSWER HER PUT CAN'T DUE TO HIS LAUGHTER

FRASIER

I'll interpret he actually means nothing. Roz what are you doing here?

ROZ

I just wanted to come around and tell you that you were right about Brock. I was only interesting in him because of his looks, and by the time he'd bashed his head on that pinball machine twenty to thirty times he wasn't even good looking any more. So you were right, I should be looking for someone that I have something in common with. Someone with substance, if not just for me then for Alice as well. It was very superficial of me.

MARTIN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER BUT NILES CAN'T HELP HIMSELF. FRASIER WALKS PAST HIM TO RETRIEVE HIS CUP OF COFFEE AND ALONG THE WAY SQUEEZES HIS BROKEN FINGER

FRASIER

Niles you seem to be out of breath are you feeling all right? And it was very nice for you to pop by Roz and I'll see you later.

FRASIER STARTS TO USHER ROZ TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

Are you trying to get rid of me?

FRASIER

Of course not, now off you go.

HE OPENS UP THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

What's going on here?

FRASIER

Nothing, why would anything be going on?

LUCY GOES TO ENTER THE ROOM FROM FRASIER'S BUT NILES SPOTS HER FIRST AND TRIES TO PUSH HER BACK TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM BEFORE ROZ SEES HER. LUCY AND NILES EXIT

ROZ

What was that all about?

DAPHNE

He has a tiny bladder. It's the size of a walnut on his good days. Other times he can't drink more than an eyedropper full of Sherry at a time without bursting.

ROZ

Then why didn't he use this one?

DAPHNE

He's very embarrassed about it. It's not something that should be common knowledge.

ROZ

OK then. My lips are sealed. Well I'll be off then.

MARTIN

Oh do you have to Roz? Stay and have some breakfast.

FRASIER AND DAPHNE SHOOT MARTIN A LOOK THAT COULD KILL AS HE JUST SMILES AND LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

ROZ

Yeah OK, thanks Martin.

FRASIER

I'll just go and see if Niles needs any help.

ROZ

You two are becoming way too close. You only help him with that sort of thing if you're in prison when it acts as a substitute.

MARTIN PUSHES FRASIER BACK INTO HIS SEAT AS HE STANDS

MARTIN

No, it's all right Frasier I'll go and help him, he is my son after all. You stay out here so Roz can thank you some more for making her see the light.

DAPHNE PUSHES MARTIN BACK INTO HIS SEAT AND MOVES HIS CANE AWAY FROM HIM AS SHE STANDS

DAPHNE

No, if anyone should be helping him with this problem it's me. And he must be struggling anyway with that broken finger. I caught him this morning trying to open a door handle with his foot. With the bang on the head plus the painkillers it didn't occur to him to use his other hand.

ROZ

I'm just going to use the bathroom. But I don't need any help, so there's no need for any of you to offer. I've mastered a simple pulling up and down motion of an elastic waistband.

ROZ EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Niles! Niles!

NILES ENTERS WITH HIS HAIR EXTREMELY MESSY AND STICKING UP

NILES

What is it?

FRASIER

The coast is clear. We have to get her out of here.

NILES

She's lying under your bed trying to get me to rub my head up and down her legs.

FRASIER

Oh not again.

DAPHNE

My God women will go to all sorts of extremes to not have to sleep with you. When will you take a hint? Wait a second. Why is your hair standing on end?

NILES

Well I am a gentleman. That and she grabbed my ears.

ROZ ENTERS UNSEEN BY EVERYONE

FRASIER

There's plenty of time to explain that later, but what are we going to do?

ROZ

About what?

FRASIER

About Niles' bladder problems.

NILES

(CONFUSED) My what?

FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SQUEEZES NILES' FINGER

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh yes my bladder problems.

ROZ

They must be bad, you're eyes are watering.

LUCY ENTERS WHICH MAKES FRASIER CRINGE

LUCY

Hey Frasier... oh hello there.

ROZ

Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.

LUCY

Hi, Lucy Day. Haven't we met somewhere before? Oh I know you.

FRASIER

No you don't.

LUCY

Yes I do.

FRASIER

No you don't.

MARTIN

The pantomime season seems to start earlier and earlier each year. This one must be 'Dick Witless'.

FRASIER

You mean 'Dick Witthington'.

DAPHNE

No he doesn't

NILES

I think things would be a lot better if Lucy's character was a mime and Frasier was just committed.

ROZ

You're one of the model's used at KACL for the calendar shoot.

LUCY

That's right.

ROZ

Oh how wonderful.

LUCY

I'm going to get some more coffee if you'll excuse me.

LUCY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

(VERY ANGRY) You have a lot of explaining to do before I kick your ass.

FRASIER

(INNOCENTLY) It's not what you think.

ROZ

(UNBELIEVING) It isn't?

FRASIER

No it isn't. She's not here for me. She's... Dad's date.

ROZ

What? Wow way to go Martin.

MARTIN

Sometimes I just don't know what I've done to be so lucky.

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ

Excuse me

ROZ ANSWERS HER PHONE AND MOVES TOWARDS THE PIANO

MARTIN

What do you think you're doing?

NILES

Going slowly insane would be my suggestion.

DAPHNE

Don't you think you'd better let Lucy know what's going on?

FRASIER

Oh yes, I've lied to my friend and told her that you're dating my father because I'm a hypocrite because I was only interested in you for a quick roll in the hay due to your stunning looks. If you weren't so gorgeous I wouldn't have bothered because I find you as interesting as a blade of grass. So play along won't you sweetheart?

NILES

Yes something like that.

LUCY ENTERS

FRASIER

No wait I've got a better idea. (QUIETLY TO LUCY) Lucy can I have a word with you. Do you remember what I told you about Roz being in love with me? Well I'd rather not let her know that we are dating, I don't want to upset her. So I told her that you were...

ROZ

(TO LUCY) So you're dating Martin?

LUCY

Yes that's correct. He's just such a little stud muffin, I just couldn't keep my hands off him.

LUCY THEN GRABS NILES AND KISSES HIM, MISTAKING HIM FOR MARTIN. EVERYBODY ELSE STANDS AROUND LOOKING GOB SMACKED

LUCY (CONT'D)

Already this early in the relationship we have a very healthy, sexual relationship.

DAPHNE THEN GRABS NILES' FINGER AND SQUEEZES THEM

NILES

What? She kissed me! Did I ask her to ram her tongue down my throat?

LUCY TRIES TO KISS HIM AGAIN, THINKING THE LAST PART OF HIS STATEMENT WAS AN INVITATION. HE BATTLES TO KEEP HER AWAY. ONCE LUCY STOPS TRYING DAPHNE SLAPS NILES AROUND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD

FRASIER

No, no, no, Martin not Niles!

LUCY

How was I supposed to know? Haven't you ever considered all wearing nametags to the breakfast table?

NILES

Surprisingly not. But thanks for the idea.

ROZ

OK what's going on? And stop treating me like an idiot.

LUCY

Oh don't blame Frasier. We were only trying to protect you. We all know about your feelings for Frasier but sometimes, life doesn't imitate cartoons and true love isn't all that matters. And if you hit a kitty with a frying pan it will kill them. It doesn't just make their head flatter and then he keeps running around trying to kill the mouse.

ROZ

Frasier she's insane.

NILES

And she almost chocked me with her tongue.

LUCY

I probably should go. So you two can work things out. Don't worry Roz you will love again.

LUCY GOES TO KISS NILES AGAIN BEFORE SHE LEAVES BUT HE HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE NOT GIVING HER A CHANCE

NILES

My teeth are clean enough thankyou very much.

LUCY EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

You are such a hypocrite. You give me that lecture and then you do it yourself and then lie to me about it?

FRASIER

It could be interpreted that way, but only if you choose to look at it from that angle. I was wrong all right, are you happy? I'll break up with her later.

ROZ

Yes as a matter of fact I am happy, especially as I lied and I'm still dating Brock. Oh get off you high horse.

FRASIER

Yes I won't be riding that again in the foreseeable future.

MARTIN

If you're breaking up with Lucy you won't be riding anything at all in the foreseeable future.

AS ROZ SLAPS FRASIER'S ARM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM NILES IS SITTING ON THE BED WITH BOTH HIS HAND AND NOW HIS HEAD BANDAGED FROM WHERE HE FELL OFF THE BED. DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM HOLDING HIS GOOD HAND AS DR. KRAMER ENTERS WITH HIS HAND PUPPET. HE PICKS UP A THERMOMETER WITH THE PUPPET AND TRIES TO PUT IT IN NILES' MOUTH. NILES DOES NOT LOOK IMPRESSED AS DR. KRAMER CONTINUES TO PLAY WITH THE PUPPET RIGHT IN FRONT OF NILES' FACE. EVENTUALLY NILES SNAPS GRABS THE PUPPET AROUND THE THROAT AND STARTS TO STRANGLE IT.