I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
In loving memory of Mike. Your encouragement and your inspiration has made me the person that I am today. You always said that if you could do it I could do it and I'm more determined now then ever to prove that. I have never know a more loving or caring person and you will stay in my heart, thoughts and prays for the rest of my life.
Well I've moved to university in Wales and
I'm so board that writing another season may not be out of the question, but I
guess at the end of the day that is up to you to decide. The only source of
entertainment that I have is watching a woman give children donkey rides on a
stretch of beach that is about four foot squared. Needless to say the donkey
gets very dizzy very fast, vomits, falls over and passes out. It seems the only
way that I'm going to get any sort of entertainment is if I become a bloated
alcoholic and go on a pub crawl, and since this place is just one big hill with
my flat at the top and everything else at the bottom, I don't think it's such a
good idea. Oh wait...things have become a little more exciting, I can see a
sheep from my window. Although I'm pretty sure that man shouldn't be doing that
to it. That's disgusting. Oh never mind it's just one of my lecturers. So
please send me some feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com
or IM me so I can get over the trauma of seeing a sheep being violated.
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Two
The Lost Weekend
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'THEY DO NOTHING BUT FIGHT OVER THE SOAP'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER, FRASIER DOES THE SAME ON THE COUCH AS NILES WAITS BY THE ISLAND JIGGING UP AND DOWN RATHER IMPATIENTLY. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
NILES
Are you all ready?
DAPHNE
Nearly. I just want to knock us up a couple of sandwiches to eat on the way. I didn't think you'd fancy eating what ever we happen to hit with the car on the way up there or beef jerky from a road side stand if we got a bit peckish along the way.
NILES
That's a good idea.
DAPHNE
Anyway I can't imagine that racoon is very appetising when it's cooked with a cigarette lighter. A Bunsen burner on the other hand makes all the difference. They should start to install them in the dashboards of cars. Along with a cappuccino machine and a deep fat fryer. You'd never drive naked that's for sure in case the fat spat at you. Plus I know you, if you can't eat you seem to suddenly get all frisky like a whippet in heat and want to do something else and trust me you're not that good a driver. Your hands are supposed to stay on the wheel not be on my...
FRASIER
Can you please finish that in the car?
DAPHNE
With great pleasure. I may even finish the sentence as well.
MARTIN
So where are you two off to? It's too late to go ice fishing this time of year you know.
NILES
Damn all the bad luck. And there was me getting all excited at the prospect of being able to make my tongue stick to my fishing pole. We're going up to my lake front cottage Dad.
DAPHNE
And don't think you're getting away with not doing your exercises and intend on sitting around watching the television in your underwear either all weekend, I've talked your son into doing them with you.
NILES
You're going to watch television with him in your underwear? You know there's father and son bonding and then there's just plain wrong.
FRASIER
I'm going to help him with his exercises Niles.
NILES
Oh now that makes more sense. And will be more hygienic.
MARTIN
And about that, gee thanks Daphne. That's all I want is Frasier standing over me watching as I thrust my hips into the air. What if someone walks in on us, they might get the wrong idea.
DAPHNE
And who's likely to do a thing like that?
MARTIN
Eddie.
NILES
You bathe with him Dad. He can't possibly be traumatised anymore after enduring that everyday. In fact if he sees you with Frasier he may actually be relieved and hopeful that now you'll leave him alone. Dogs can feel violated as well you know.
FRASIER
What are you complaining about? It isn't exactly going to be that much fun for me either. I don't want to see that. You might have my eye out.
MARTIN
Strangely enough I don't hold my cane when I do my exercises, but knowing you're the one bending my leg back and forth I may start to. If my hip cracks once I'll crack your head with my cane.
DAPHNE
Well I've got an idea. Why don't the two of you come to the cottage with us?
NILES
(COVERING HIS HORROR) Oh yes what a fabulous idea.
MARTIN
Are you sure you want us tagging along?
DAPHNE
Of course, we're not going to be doing anything special are we?
NILES
No! Of course not. Why would you think that?
MARTIN
I'll have to call Duke, we were supposed to be watching the game this weekend. He's already bought the cold cuts.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE PHONE AS DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
(CHEERILY SHOUTS AFTER MARTIN) Wonderful! You go and talk to him and don't take no for an answer you hear me. You're coming even if we have to bring him with us to watch the game there. (VICIOUSLY TO FRASIER) Don't you dare come up there! Remember I have a case full of guns and I won't be afraid to use them. As soon as I work out which end the bullets go in.
FRASIER
One would think they go in the spinny thing.
NILES
Shotguns don't have spinny things.
FRASIER
Well imagine my embarrassment. How will I ever show my face in polite society again? What's the big deal?
NILES
I'm going to try to propose again and the last thing I need is for the two of you to be there watching us.
FRASIER
I suppose you won't want us there when you propose either.
NILES
That's very amusing. I mean it stay away.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH SOME SANDWICHES
DAPHNE
So are you going to come?
FRASIER
I don't think so Daph.
DAPHNE
Oh that's a shame.
NILES
(VERY OTT) Isn't it? I'm just absolutely devastated.
FRASIER
(SOTTO TO NILES) That's too much.
NILES
(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Noted.
DAPHNE
I'll just grab me bag.
DAPHNE EXITS INTO HER ROOM
FRASIER
So how are you going to do it?
NILES
I'm going to urinate it in big letters outside the kitchen window. Hopefully the sent will attract all the local wildlife and I'll be able to talk them into posing on one knee with pleading looks on their faces. How do you think I'm going to do it? On one knee, the traditional way. I didn't want to sling shot the ring across the room to her in case I caught her in the eye.
FRASIER
Simply saying the traditional way would have sufficed.
NILES
I'm sorry, I'm just nervous after my last failed attempt. And this time I've taken the precaution and removed all elements that may startle or frighten her to avoid another emergency room incident.
FRASIER
In that case then I'd think twice about that jumper.
NILES
What's wrong with it?
FRASIER
It is a tad on the garish side.
NILES
Daphne made it for me.
FRASIER
Need we say anymore?
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM WITH A BAG
DAPHNE
Well come on then. Let's hit the road.
AS NILES AND DAPHNE BID THEIR FAREWELLS AND EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'JUST GRIN AND BEAR IT'
FADE IN:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Frasier, Eddie, Alice)
THE COTTAGE IS THE ONE USED IN 'DECOYS' AND EVERYTHING REMAINS THE SAME AS THE LAST TIME WE SAW IT. ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THE COUCH IS A BOTTLE OF OPENED WINE WITH TWO GLASSES. DAPHNE STANDS WITH HER BLOUSE PULLED UP TO COVER HER NOSE AND MOUTH BY THE STAIRS AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A HANDKERCHIEF COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH
NILES
Dear God what is that smell?
DAPHNE
It is a bit on the strong side.
DAPHNE BEGINS TO SMELL THE AIR TO FIND THE ORIGIN. SHE STANDS ON A CHAIR AND LOOKS IN THE HEATING DUCT.
NILES
A bit? It's sending me blind. It smells almost like...
DAPHNE
A dead squirrel in the heating duct.
NILES
No it's more of a...
DAPHNE
No there's actually a dead squirrel in the heating duct. Pass me a knife so I can get this grid off please.
NILES GETS HER A PEN KNIFE FROM THE DESK DRAWER AND DAPHNE STARTS TO UNDO THE SCREWS
NILES
I bet he coughed himself to death on this smell.
DAPHNE
Or alternatively the smell could be coming from the squirrel.
NILES PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR TO LOOK IN THE DUCT
NILES
That's even more plausible. What's it doing?
DAPHNE
Baking a cake. Niles honey it's dead. The only thing it's doing is rotting. What's the matter with you again today? You're off in another world. You've got that glazed look in your eye again.
NILES
It's nothing I'm fine. It's just the smell. How do we get it out? (WHISTLES AND PATS HIS LEG) Come here little fellow.
DAPHNE
That's only going to work if you have some strong smelling salts and a Ouija board. Just put your hand in there and pull it out, I'm referring to the squirrel before you take that the wrong way.
NILES
I'm not touching that thing it's decomposing. It'll fall apart in my hand. And the last thing I want to do this evening is reassemble a three-dimensional squirrel jigsaw puzzle. It's not exactly very romantic.
DAPHNE
Put a rubber glove on then.
NILES
Well that would make it a little more romantic but more on the seedy side then anything else.
DAPHNE
I meant to remove the squirrel.
NILES
Of course you did. I knew that. I've got an idea.
NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES (CONT'D)
(FROM THE KITCHEN) I wonder how it got in there in the first place.
DAPHNE
Maybe there's a squirrel concentration camp upstairs and this is the Steve McQueen squirrel escaping through the vents. I bet we'll find a James Garner squirrel in the toilet tank.
NILES
(FROM THE KITCHEN) If that's the case remind me to check for Nazi squirrels before we go to bed. I'd hate to wake up with a little tank being pointed at my head in the morning.
NILES ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES, AN APRON AND CARRYING A PAIR ON TONGS AND AN OVEN TRAY
DAPHNE
What do you want those for? I thought we'd take it outside and bury it not bung it on the barbecue for dinner. There isn't exactly a lot of meat on those drumsticks.
NILES GETS BACK ON THE CHAIR AND TRIES TO PICK UP THE SQUIRREL WITH THE TONGS
NILES
I told you I'm not touching it.
HE TURNS IT OVER WITH THE TONGS BEFORE PICKING IT UP
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh it looks like a girl.
DAPHNE
So do you.
NILES
I think I've got it. Ahhh.
NILES DROPS THE SQUIRREL ON THE FLOOR AND RUNS AWAY FROM IT
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
NILES
It waved at me.
DAPHNE
It's dead.
NILES
It must be possessed by some sort of demon then.
AS DAPHNE SITS BACK ON THE COUCH NILES PICKS THE SQUIRREL BACK UP AGAIN AND PUTS IT ON THE OVEN TRAY
DAPHNE
This weekend is starting out fine. I mean who doesn't have a problem with dead, smelling, possessed squirrels in the heating ducts.
DAPHNE STARTS TO SHAKE A CAN OF AIR FRESHENER
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I don't know what we'll do when this air freshener runs out.
NILES
Vomit immediately springs to mind.
DAPHNE PICKS UP THE AIR FRESHENER AND STARTS TO SPRAY EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL. DAPHNE STOPS AT THE FRONT DOOR AS SHE READS A NOTICE ON THE BACK OF IT
DAPHNE
Niles come here. Have you read this on the back of the door?
NILES ENTERS, MINUS THE APRON AND THE GLOVES, AND READS THE NOTICE
NILES
What is it? 'Bear Warning'? Nonsense there aren't any bears up here. (THINKS) That I'm aware of anyway. But just to be on the safe side let's shut the windows. We don't want it catching the sent of that squirrel for its dinner and having us for desert.
THEY BOTH SIT BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AS THEY PICK UP THEIR WINE AND START TO RELAX
DAPHNE
Good thinking. Finally we can get back to the wine.
THEY GO TO CLINK GLASSES BUT DAPHNE STOPS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Wait a second.
DAPHNE SPRAYS SOME MORE AIR FRESHENER AROUND WHERE THEY ARE SITTING FORMING SOME SORT OF CLOUD AROUND THEM AS IT RAINS TO THE FLOOR
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
That's better.
NILES
(COUGHING) Yes what wine isn't improved by a vanilla air freshener? (TAKING HER HAND) Listen Daphne, I brought you up here for a very special reason. There's something I want to ask you. I've wanted to do it for the longest time now but...
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A BAG FULL OF BEER AND EDDIE ON HIS LEASH
MARTIN
Hi guys.
NILES
(MORTIFIED) Dad!
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane I thought you couldn't join us.
MARTIN
Oh Duke and I can watch the Sea Hawks any old time. Opportunities like this don't come around very often.
NILES
Tell me about it.
MARTIN
What is that smell?
DAPHNE
A dead squirrel.
MARTIN
You know Niles you're supposed to use these guns to shoot ducks not squirrels. Although I'm really proud that your aim is that good to shoot something so little.
NILES
It was in the heating duct.
MARTIN
Well that's a little like shooting fish in a barrel but we all have to start somewhere.
NILES
No Dad, it just died in there, something that I may do very soon unless you understand what I'm telling you.
ENTER ROZ CARRYING ALICE
ROZ
Hi you two.
NILES
(SLOWLY BEGINNING TO HYPERVENTILATE) Roz! Alice! Why this just gets better and better.
FRASIER ENTERS CARRYING ALL THE BAGS
FRASIER
Hello all. Did we miss anything?
NILES
Nothing at all.
NILES PUSHES FRASIER INTO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM
NILES (CONT'D)
Frasier can I have a word with you? (QUIETLY BUT MENACINGLY) I thought I told you to stay away. Did you not take my death threat seriously?
FRASIER
I'm sorry but he was already packed and ready to go the moment you left and since you didn't want me to tell him what you were planning to do, I had no choice.
ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
So you decided to bring Roz along for added extra fun?
FRASIER
Well since the weekend was pretty much ruined anyway, I didn't think it would matter. Anyway you still owe her for helping at the spring tasting. You can still propose. Just take her off into the woods and do it.
NILES
Oh how romantic.
ROZ SCREAMS FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
ROZ ENTERS CARRYING THE OVEN TRAY WITH THE SQUIRREL ON
ROZ
Why do you have a dead squirrel on an oven tray?
MARTIN
You'll eat anything if it's served in one of your fancy pants restaurants.
NILES
I'll just dispose of it.
NILES TAKES THE TRAY OFF ROZ
MARTIN
Flush it down the toilet.
FRASIER
Dad it's a squirrel not a fish. The last thing we need is it blocking the toilet taking into consideration the amount of beer that you have brought with you. And I don't think Niles would particularly want you sent marking the outside of his cottage.
MARTIN
Oh you can flush most animals down the toilet.
NILES
Yes not a day goes by when I don't walk past a public toilet and see a dead cow sticking out of it. You can hardly get into a cubicle at Nervosa for all the elephants blocking the bowls.
MARTIN
I didn't mean something that big. Just throw it in there and we can force it around the pipe with a long stick.
NILES
If it's all the same with you I'll just bury it.
EDDIE STARTS TO JUMP UP NILES TRYING TO GET THE SQUIRREL
FRASIER
But when Eddie does finally descend to that flea infested kennel in the sky I may take you up on that offer of the toilet burial. I'd personally prod him around the bend with a stick myself. It would be a great honour.
NILES
And on that subject can you get Eddie? Don't make me bury him alongside this thing.
MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AS NILES EXITS THROUGH THE KITCHEN AND DAPHNE STARTS TO SPRAY THE ROOM WITH MORE AIR FRESHENER.
FRASIER
Don't you have any other kind of air freshener? It smells like a vanilla bomb went off in here.
DAPHNE
Surprisingly that's not the first thing that sprung to mind when me boyfriend ask me to his cottage for the weekend. You're lucky I brought underwear. So it's either squirrel or vanilla. Do we need to take a vote?
MARTIN
I'm going to put my beer in the fridge.
MARTIN PUTS EDDIE ON THE FLOOR THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
ROZ
Frasier can I use your cell phone?
ROZ PUTS HER HAND DEEP INTO FRASIER'S PANT POCKET AND STARTS TO FISH AROUND LOOKING FOR THE PHONE. FRASIER FLINCHES AND HOLDS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR AS IF BEING SEARCHED BY A POLICE OFFICER. EVENTUALLY ROZ PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS
SFX: ROZ' CELL PHONE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh look it works. What a surprise. I have a full battery and I've got a perfectly good signal. (SHOUTS AND GRABS HOLD OF FRASIER'S JUMPER AND SHAKES HIM) So why hasn't he called? Why? Tell me why?
FRASIER
Because you're a tad on the psychotic side?
DAPHNE
What's this about?
FRASIER
Oh Daphne please don't poke the bear. I had to listen to it all the way up here and my ears are beginning to bleed.
ROZ
Alan still hasn't called me. It's been three days. Why hasn't he called me?
DAPHNE
Did you two, you know?
ROZ
Daphne it was our first date.
DAPHNE
Oh I'm sorry to be so presumptuous. I didn't mean to be rude.
ROZ
No I mean it was our first date, of course we did.
FRASIER
Yes Roz likes to move around all the bases at the speed of light. That's how she's able to date three men on the same evening.
ROZ
Shut up. And it wasn't as bad as it sounded. They were all at the same restaurant. I just had to keep saying I was going to the bathroom and once I was full stuff the food in my purse when they weren't looking.
DAPHNE
Did you really click with this Alan then?
ROZ
He was nice enough, he came around to clean my drains.
FRASIER
And by the sounds of it he certainly did that.
ROZ
He was a bit limited in the bedroom though.
DAPHNE
The earth didn't move I take it?
ROZ
I don't think the headboard moved.
FRASIER
Then why are you so desperate for him to call you?
ROZ
It's just common courtesy. The man slept with me, in the very least he owes me a phone call.
FRASIER
A move that would revolutionise the prostitution business.
ENTER NILES AND MARTIN THROUGH THE KITCHEN
NILES
Well that's all taken care of. Services will take place later this evening before the wake followed by the reading of the will.
MARTIN
As long as I get his nuts I don't care about everything else.
FRASIER
If it's all the same with you I'll just pass. I don't think squirrels own much antique furniture.
MARTIN
So which bedroom is mine?
NILES
Well Dad we only actually have three bedrooms, so I guess someone's sleeping on the couch.
ROZ
Are you going to fit on there Frasier?
FRASIER
Why do I have to sleep on the couch? I'm not married to Lilith anymore. My couch days were over when that divorce came through.
MARTIN
Along with your sexually active days.
FRASIER
You're the one who sleeps with a dog.
DAPHNE
It's only fair for you to sleep down here.
FRASIER
Why?
DAPHNE
Because Roz has got a child, Mr. Crane's got a gammy leg and well Niles and I...you just wouldn't want to be the first person up that's all if we stop down here.
FRASIER
This isn't fair. Let's pull straws.
NILES
(SOTTO) I've already pulled the shortest straw imaginable today.
ROZ
Let's spin a bottle.
FRASIER
What a splendid idea. And after this situation has turned into a drunken orgy none of us will care where we sleep. Some of us happened to study through college.
NILES
Oh come on Frasier.
FRASIER
I am not sleeping on that couch.
ROZ TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS
DAPHNE
Fine, toss and turn on it all night instead.
NILES
(FRUSTRATED) Oh all right Frasier, you take the other room, we'll sleep down here.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE
ROZ
(SHOUTS) Oh my God! A woman answered the phone.
DAPHNE
Who were you calling?
ROZ
Alan.
FRASIER
Maybe it's his sister, his mother, his Albania foster child, who knows. Don't jump to the automatic conclusion.
ROZ STARTS TO PACE ACROSS THE ROOM
ROZ
What's that? That I put out so now he doesn't want me and now he's moved on to get another notch on his bedpost.
MARTIN
Maybe you dialled the wrong number.
ROZ
Do you really think so? I just don't know what... (NOTICING THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR) Have you seen this bear warning? You never told me there were bears here I wouldn't have brought Alice.
FRASIER AND MARTIN JOIN HER LOOKING AT THE SIGN
FRASIER
Oh don't be ludicrous. Oh what do you know it is a bear warning.
DAPHNE
Don't panic. Should one kick the door down Niles and I will provoke it and keep it occupied as we're sleeping on the couch. Then as we're being digested and he's picking his teeth with my index finger you lot can make your getaway through one of the upstairs windows.
FRASIER
(SINCERELY) Thanks a lot you two.
EDDIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH
MARTIN
That smells back again.
DAPHNE
I'll get the air freshener.
MARTIN STARTS TO STARE AT AND SMELL NILES
NILES
What's that look for? It's not me, I may have buried it but I didn't roll around in the dirt with it first. I thought it might object under the circumstances.
ROZ
What's Eddie got in his mouth?
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) The squirrel!
THEY ALL LUNGE TOWARDS EDDIE WHO RUNS UP THE STAIRS
MARTIN
Get back here Eddie.
EDDIE STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH
NILES
No, don't shake your head.
THE DIRT FLIES EVERYWHERE OFF EDDIE AND THE SQUIRREL AS EVERYONE ELSE SHIELDS THEIR FACES AND WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Alice, Eddie)
THE ROOM IS MUCH DARKER AS THE SUN CAN BE SEEN SETTING THROUGH THE WINDOWS. ROZ SITS ON THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH WITH ALICE ON HER LAP, FRASIER SITS ON HER RIGHT AND MARTIN IS ON HER LEFT. NILES SITS ON THE CHAIR TO THE LEFT WITH HIS FEET RESTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND DAPHNE SITTING ON HIS LAP WITH HER LEGS RESTING OVER THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR. THE TELEVISION PLAYS AND BOTH ALICE AND MARTIN ARE MESMERISED BY IT
FRASIER
What is this programme?
ROZ
Barney The Dinosaur.
NILES
Is there any particular reason why he's hallucinogenic?
ROZ
To make it more amusing when you roll in on a Sunday morning, drunk and it's the only thing on the television.
MARTIN
This show is great.
FRASIER
Well if you're a very good boy I may buy you the video for your birthday.
DAPHNE
Look at that sunset. It reminds me of the last time we were up here.
NILES SLIPS OUT FROM UNDER DAPHNE AND STANDS UP
NILES
Swiftly moving on. Let's go for a walk so you can see it better.
DAPHNE
It's all right I can see it from here.
NILES PULLS HER UP FROM THE CHAIR
NILES
But there's something I need to ask you. Come on.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER GETS UP AND TURNS ON A LAMP
ROZ
And you miss, off to bed with you.
ROZ SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AND BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER KISS ALICE AND ADLIB GOODNIGHT. ROZ TURNS ON THE LANDING LIGHT AS THEY GO UPSTAIRS AND EXIT INTO ONE OF THE BEDROOMS. FRASIER NOTICES SOMETHING BY WHERE NILES WAS SITTING
FRASIER
What is this? (PICKS IT UP TO REVEAL THE ENGAGEMENT RING BOX) Oh no. I'll be back in a moment Dad.
FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR
RESET TO:
EXT. WOODLAND BY THE EDGE OF THE LAKE — MOMENTS LATER
AS THE LIGHT IS GREATLY REDUCED NILES AND DAPHNE STOP IN A CLEARING. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY TREES
DAPHNE
What on earth have you dragged me all the way out here for? I'm no longer fond of the woods since 'The Blair Witch Project' or of having a camcorder shoved in my face.
NILES
(RAMBLING) Daphne I want to ask you something and although this isn't exactly the perfect place, I want to do it, especially before I loose my nerve and I've done that a lot with you over the last eight years.
DAPHNE
Niles you're beginning to ramble.
NILES
Daphne will you...
SFX. TWIG SNAPPING BEHIND THEM
NILES (CONT'D)
Did you hear something?
DAPHNE
What?
SFX: TWIG SNAPPING IN THE SAME AREA
NILES
That.
DAPHNE
Oh dear God it's bear.
NILES
It can't be.
DAPHNE
You read that warning. They don't just put up bear warnings for people's amusement. If it was there for entertainment purposes it would have said 'dancing bear with X-rated balloon trick' instead.
NILES
Well what do we do?
DAPHNE
I don't know about you but I'm going to run like hell.
DAPHNE RUNS BACK TOWARDS THE COTTAGE
NILES
(SHOUTS) Wait for me.
NILES RUNS AND FOLLOWS DAPHNE AS FRASIER APPEARS FROM THE TREES IN THE DIRECTION THAT THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM AND STARES AFTER THEM LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED
RESET TO:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
IT IS NOW VIRTUALLY PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE AS NILES AND DAPHNE BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAM IT BEHIND THEM. MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH JUMP AT THE NOISE
DAPHNE
Quick get in. Shut the door.
MARTIN
What's going on?
NILES
We heard a bear.
ROZ
You heard what?
SFX: POUNDING ON THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
Quick everyone lean up the door.
ALL FOUR LEAN UP THE DOOR TO PREVENT IT FROM BEING OPENED
NILES
Where's Frasier?
MARTIN
He went looking for you two.
NILES
He did what?
DAPHNE
Oh no he's still out there.
NILES
We have to warn him. Quick Roz phone him on your cell phone.
ROZ
But what if Alan calls while I'm on the line?
NILES
What if Frasier gets eaten by a bear? Which is more important to you?
A LONG BEAT
MARTIN
Do you even need to think about it?
ROZ
Isn't there another way we can contact him?
NILES
No, all my carrier pigeons are on strike, if we used smoke signals we'd burn down the forest and I've got a headache so telepathy is out.
ROZ
Oh all right fine.
SFX: POUNDING ON THE DOOR
MARTIN
Quick Niles get a gun from the case.
NILES
Who do I look like Elma Fud?
DAPHNE
Fine I'll do it. You're likely to blow your toes off.
FRASIER
(FROM OUTSIDE) Will you open the door you bunch of jackasses!
MARTIN
That's Frasier.
NILES
It might not be. It might be the bear.
ROZ
A talking bear that can also mimic people?
NILES
Yes, certain types of circus bears.
FRASIER
(FROM OUTSIDE) Just open the Goddamn door.
NILES OPENS THE DOOR AS FRASIER ENTERS AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS BACK DOWN
NILES
Sorry we thought you were a bear.
FRASIER
I noticed. You frightened the life out of me when you just took off yelling bear. Until I realised that it was aimed at me. But for future reference bears don't wear loafers.
NILES
What were you doing?
FRASIER
(WHISPERS) You forgot the ring.
ROZ WALKS TO THE DESK BY THE STAIRS WITH A LAMP ON IT
ROZ
It's getting too dark in here. Niles how do you turn this lamp on?
NILES
Just clap.
ROZ
It's a little bit tacky for your taste isn't it?
NILES
Call it intuition that I knew you were coming.
ROZ THEN CLAPS HER HANDS REALLY LOUDLY MAKING THE LAMP TURN ON. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COTTAGE GO OUT LEAVING IT IN TOTAL DARKNESS. WE CANNOT SEE A THING.
ROZ
Did I do that?
FRASIER
Meanwhile Roz claps her hands in Seattle and there's a tidal wave in China.
DAPHNE
The caretaker said that there was a problem with the power lines recently. I thought he was joking though when he said the birds landing on them somehow kept electrocuting themselves and knocking the power out.
NILES
It's all those toe rings they wear.
MARTIN
Have you got any candles? I don't want to drink all that beer if I can't see the toilet. I might get confused and go in the cupboard.
NILES
Thanks for the reminder to lock all doors this evening before curling up on the couch. There's some in the kitchen.
DAPHNE
I'll help.
NILES AND DAPHNE CAN BE HEARD EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Why did you bring so much beer anyway? Anyone would think we were going to get stranded up here.
MARTIN
I'm stuck in the woods with my family. That situation calls for a lot of beer.
FRASIER
(QUIETLY) And some sort of cattle prod.
MARTIN
I heard that.
SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE
ROZ
Oh my God. That's my cell phone.
FRASIER
Well answer it quick, it might be Alan.
ROZ
I can't I put it down to clap the lamp on.
MARTIN
Just go back over there and pick it up.
ROZ
I would but I don't know where I am now let alone where the lamp is. I don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go.
FRASIER
Just follow the noise.
ROZ
I need a candle.
FRASIER
And some extra strength Valium.
MARTIN
I'll go and hurry them up.
MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
ROZ
I think I've found the couch. What is that?
FRASIER
You're fondling my rear end Roz, and trust me you won't be able to talk to Alan with that.
ROZ
Oh my God now I've got to wash my hand. I've got it. (ON PHONE) Hello? No this is not 'Pizza, Pizza, Pizza'. Bye.
FRASIER
I take it your groping me wasn't worth it.
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER WITH SOME CANDLES AND A FLASHLIGHT SENDING LIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM.
NILES
(CALLING BACK TO MARTIN) I'm sorry, but I had to empty the cupboard to find a spade to bury the squirrel.
FRASIER
What's the matter?
MARTIN ENTERS WITH A BUCKET STUCK ON HIS FOOT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh I see.
MARTIN
Why did you have to get a spade?
NILES
I didn't want to use a spoon taking into consideration that we'd all probably like to eat with them later.
MARTIN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS FOOT ON THE TABLE
FRASIER
Let's just pull it off.
FRASIER TRIES TO PULL IT OFF BUT IT DOESN'T MOVE
MARTIN
Ow! Watch it.
DAPHNE
Fill it full of water, maybe it'll slide out.
MARTIN
I've still got my shoe on it'll ruin it.
NILES
Well maybe if you had taken your shoes off in someone else's home this wouldn't be a problem.
MARTIN
I'm so sorry, but when you've got a dead squirrel on the kitchen counter I didn't think you'd care about a bit of mud on the carpet. Ooh the germs. Cover your mouths.
NILES
Here let me pull it.
FRASIER
Niles you can't pull a cracker.
NILES
I'm dating Daphne aren't I?
FRASIER
That's not what I meant.
ROZ
Maybe we could cover it with some butter, that'll get it off.
MARTIN
But what about my shoe?
ROZ
We can do the other one to match. It'll be a new fashion statement.
MARTIN
Stay away from my feet.
FRASIER
For God sake Dad I'll give you the fifteen dollars to replace them. Crushed velvet linings and all.
DAPHNE
When you suggested that we come up here for the weekend, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
NILES
Ditto.
AS FRASIER TRIES TO PULL THE BUCKET OFF AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
FADE IN:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Roz, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin)
THE POWER IS STILL OFF SO THE ROOM REMAINS LIT BY THE CANDLES. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE LOOKS THROUGH A WINDOW BY THE FRONT DOOR
ROZ
Well we don't have anything to worry about. Sending two big doilies and a man with a limp out to forage in the wood in the dark. I think we would have had more success if we had sent Alice and Eddie.
DAPHNE
We've got no gas or electric so the only way to cook anything is with a fire. Although I can't imagine lobster comfit is going to taste very nice when the lobster's been wedged on a stick and shoved in a large flame. I don't know what we'd have done if Mr. Crane hadn't brought those sausages.
ROZ
And I have marshmallows to toast. But remind me to always take a blowtorch with me in future on all Crane family outings. If not to cook with then to chase Frasier and Niles with when they start to get on my nerves.
DAPHNE JOINS ROZ ON THE COUCH
DAPHNE
It's not that bad. They're only looking for wood. And they're in the middle of the forest so the chances of success should be pretty high if you ask me. It's not as if they've gone searching for food, we'd have starved to death before they caught anything even remotely edible.
ROZ
And you honestly think Niles is going to touch a dirty log with his bare hands?
DAPHNE
Didn't you see? He took the marigolds out of the kitchen with him. I keep telling him yellow isn't his colour.
ROZ
The trademark of all good lumberjacks.
DAPHNE
Oh yes I can just see Niles wearing women's underwear?
ROZ
Excuse me?
DAPHNE
Sorry it's an English, Monty Python thing. I don't exactly know how Dr. Crane expects to cut a tree branch with a pie slicer either.
ROZ
He probably took that to defend himself against a bear attack. So anyway changing the subject, how are things going with you and Niles? What's it's been? Nearly a year now?
DAPHNE
A year all but a few weeks. Its perfect life is perfect. Sometimes I feel as if I should pinch myself and then I see him wiping his cutlery that I'd just stood and polished and then I want to pinch him.
ROZ
It's strange I thought he'd have proposed by now. It has been eight years for him. I don't think I've even known a man eight years, except Frasier.
DAPHNE
I don't think it's strange. To be perfectly honest Roz I can't see us ever getting married.
ROZ
Why? Don't you want to?
DAPHNE
I'd marry him at the drop of a hat. But I just don't think he will. Not after everything that's happened with Maris and Mel. He's never even mentioned it and like I said, I don't think he'll ever want to.
ROZ
So what, are you going to stay at Frasier's forever?
DAPHNE
Oh I don't doubt we'll move in together, maybe even have a couple of kids over the next few years before it's too late. I just can't see him wanting to take those vows again. Whenever he does the relationship just ends. I can see that playing on his mind.
ROZ
Well how do you feel about that?
DAPHNE
Devastated of course. And I won't look forward to the comments made by my family either but it's something I'll have to accept if I want to be with him.
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS HAIR EXTREMELY MESSY AND OVERHEARS THE FINAL PART OF THE CONVERSATION
NILES
What is?
DAPHNE
Never being able to be a member of a Barbershop quartet.
NILES
Really? You never said anything before. Don't let me stop you from following your dreams.
DAPHNE
Oh it's just a dream I had as a child, but the chances of it happening vanished along with my baby teeth.
ROZ
What happened to your hair? You look as though you were dragged through a bush backwards.
NILES
Ah your idea of a romantic date I take it. A bat attacked me. It flew in my hair.
ENTER FRASIER
FRASIER
It was not a bat it was a tiny, tiny moth. The thing was so minuscule, it's easier to see the atom then the moth.
NILES
It was a bat and you know it. Frasier tried to hit me around the head with an extremely large and may I add dirty log.
FRASIER
Well you asked me to kill it.
NILES
Exactly kill it, not me. There's a subtle but extremely important difference. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with an imprint of a log on the side of my head. I don't think people would mistake it for an unusual birthmark and not many people have logs tattooed on their heads.
FRASIER
It was still no reason for you to go running off screaming into the never-ending darkness of the wood.
NILES
Considering my brother was wielding a log and running in my direction threateningly, I think my reaction was rather restrained.
FRASIER
It wouldn't have been chasing you if you had put the flashlight down like I told you to.
NILES
I wasn't going to do that, not in the woods. Who knows what I could have trod in. Animals aren't fussy where they go you know.
ROZ
(TO DAPHNE) You're right, we should have gone looking for the wood.
MARTIN
(FROM OUTSIDE) Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but there's an old man with a cane out here, and not to mention a bucket still stuck on his foot, who's just dragged a dozen logs through the woods on his own because his big girlie sons didn't want to break a nail. So would someone mind giving me a hand and giving me a beer?
FRASIER
Could he be anymore demanding?
NILES
Not without being one of our ex-wives.
NILES AND FRASIER EXIT OUTSIDE AS WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Ranger, Eddie)
THEY ALL SIT ON CHAIRS FROM THE PORCH AROUND A SMALL CAMP FIRE THAT THEY HAVE STARTED ON THE DRIVEWAY. EDDIE STARTS TO DIG A HOLE WHERE THE SQUIRREL IS BURIED TO THE RIGHT AS EVERYONE ELSE TOASTS MARSHMALLOWS AND SAUSAGES IN THE FIRE
NILES
Dad will you get Eddie away from the squirrel burial site. I've already disposed of it twice today I don't want to have to do it again. Each time I seem to loose one of it's limbs. I'm worried about where I'll find them.
DAPHNE
Oh stop panicking. His arm is hardly likely to drag itself across the room and strangle you in the night. It's too small to start with.
FRASIER
Not to mention that the arm is no longer attached to the squirrel.
MARTIN
Well Eddie's an animal what do you expect?
FRASIER
That he'd have learnt by now not to drink from the toilet.
DAPHNE
He's stopped doing that since the lid slammed on his head.
MARTIN
Yes when it mysteriously slammed on his head and almost killed him.
FRASIER
I told you, it wasn't me.
MARTIN
And I've told you, I can see your nose growing every time you say that.
ROZ
How far down did you bury it because that holes getting bigger? I say hole but it's more of a crater.
NILES
I buried it far enough.
ROZ
How far?
NILES
I didn't see the earth's core if that's what you want to know. I thought I might singe my eyebrows.
DAPHNE
I'll get him. Dear God he smells awful.
DAPHNE PICKS UP EDDIE AND BRINGS HIM TO WHERE SHE WAS SITTING
FRASIER
That makes a change.
MARTIN
It's from when he was rolling around the stairs with the squirrel in his mouth.
DAPHNE
I'll spray him with the air freshener. It seems to have worked inside I don't see why it won't work on a dog.
FRASIER
With all due respect Daphne, I think the last thing we should do is spray a dog with a highly flammable aerosol spray when there's a roaring fire a few feet away.
ROZ
I wouldn't exactly call it a roaring fire.
NILES
I wouldn't call it a fire but I don't know what the technical term is for smouldering twigs.
FRASIER
If you want a fire, let Daphne spray Eddie and give me a match. It'll probably cook these marshmallows quicker.
MARTIN BEGINS TO RUB HIS FOOT THAT IS STILL IN THE BUCKET
MARTIN
This bucket is really beginning to hurt. The blood supply is being cut off from my foot.
FRASIER
Well tell us when it goes completely numb and we'll be able to amputate without anaesthetic.
NILES
Isn't there some way we could cut it off?
ROZ
With what? Most of the knifes in that kitchen you could ride on all the way to Guam on and still not cut your butt.
NILES
That was almost pure poetry.
FRASIER
Put it in the fire and melt the damn thing off.
MARTIN
Frasier you are no longer to help with this matter.
FRASIER
Well if you'd just let me pull it...
MARTIN
You'd rip my leg off from the hip.
ROZ
That's a bit of an overstatement. Don't you mean he'd pull, loose his grip, fall backwards and knock himself out?
MARTIN
Yeah I did, but I didn't want to say it in front of company.
DAPHNE
I've been thinking. Why don't you just take your foot out of your shoe?
MARTIN UNTIES HIS SHOE LACE AND SLIPS HIS FOOT OUT FREEING HIM
MARTIN
Would you look at that!
DAPHNE
Now just pull the shoe out.
MARTIN TRIES BUT CAN'T PULL IT OUT
MARTIN
I can't grip the thing.
FRASIER
Give it here Dad.
MARTIN PASSES IT TO HIM BUT HE IS ALSO UNABLE TO PULL IT OUT. HE TRIES SO HARD THAT HIS FACE BEGINS TO TURN RED
NILES
Oh let me try.
NILES PULLS AT THE SHOE BUT ONCE AGAIN IT DOESN'T BUDGE. EVENTUALLY HE PULLS SO HARD, HE LOOSES HIS GRIP AND HIS HAND FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD
DAPHNE
Pass it here.
DAPHNE TAKES THE BUCKET AND PULLS THE SHOE OUT WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE AND HANDS IT BACK TO MARTIN
FRASIER
It never occurred to me to get you to do that.
DAPHNE
Well I may not have a PhD but I do have a brain that works once in a while. Maybe you two should invest in one between you. You could have it every other day of the week.
SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE
ROZ
Oh my God, oh my God it's ringing. What do I do?
NILES
The obvious answer would be to answer it, but hey I'm just wild and crazy.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Alan. I'm fine. How about you? Oh that's OK, I didn't expect you to call me straight away. Well that sounds very nice but I'm going to have to pass. It's not you it's me. I just didn't hear that click. Well yes I heard the one when you dislocated your hip. I asked if you wanted to go to the hospital. Well what can I say I'm the best. I'm sorry. Bye.
FRASIER
I don't believe it after all the fuss you've made and you dump him when he does call.
ROZ
I never said I wanted to continue the relationship.
MARTIN
Then what was the big deal?
ROZ
As I said, he slept with me. He at least owed me a phone call, it's just common courtesy.
FRASIER
Oh and believe me it is extremely common.
NILES
It's courtesy, like a courtesy car. You've had your quick ride and now you've sent it back to the store in favour of searching for a newer model. I can see that threatening look in your eye again, I'll go and get some more marshmallows.
ROZ
Good because do you know where I'm going to put this hot one?
NILES
I can guess.
NILES EXITS INTO THE COTTAGE WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING
RESET TO:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND FRASIER ENTER, WALK OVER TO THE TABLE AND START TO OPEN SOME MORE PACKETS OF MARSHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM IN A BOWL.
FRASIER
Niles what are you waiting for?
NILES
For Roz and more importantly that marshmallow to cool down.
FRASIER
I mean with Daphne.
NILES
You've lost me.
FRASIER
Why haven't you proposed yet?
NILES
I tried but the four of you burst through the front door as wanted as a contagious skin rash.
FRASIER
What's stopping you from doing it now?
NILES
The fact that you'll all be staring at me when I do it. And sitting alfresco toasting marshmallows isn't exactly the romantic picture I had in mind.
FRASIER
Then why did you try to do it out in the woods and at the emergency room the other day?
NILES
All right I don't want an audience because...
FRASIER
Because what?
NILES
Because... well, you know.
FRASIER
Dear God can't you wait until we've gone to bed for that?
NILES
That's not what I meant. What if she says no? I'll hardly need Roz's sarcastic remarks when my heart has just been ripped from my chest and thrown to Eddie as one of his chew toys.
FRASIER
Oh that's not going to happen.
NILES
Do you think so?
FRASIER
Yes Eddie only likes the chew toys that have a squeaker. I doubt your heart will make that sort of noise.
NILES
I don't want you three pitying me when I start to weep uncontrollably.
FRASIER
We won't pity you if she says no, we'll be supportive.
NILES
I didn't mean that, I meant when I weep.
FRASIER
Oh well we'll pity you for that. You're a grown man for heavens sake.
NILES
I saw you cry last week.
FRASIER
Well that was different I trod on a plug it hurt.
NILES
Thanks for the support.
FRASIER
I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Of course she'll say yes. Daphne is so smitten with you, I don't know how you could even doubt it.
NILES
You remember Maris don't you?
FRASIER
That was a long time ago and Daphne is not Maris. There's not even a slight comparison. Now take a deep breath and do it, before you miss your chance and you've done that far too much with her. Partly my fault I know, but this is yet another way that I'll try to make amends.
NILES
OK
RESET TO:
EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT AS BEFORE TOASTING THE MARSHMALLOWS AND COOKING THE SAUSAGES
MARTIN
I'm just glad I decided to go with the small ones instead of those foot long wieners. I'm not sure how we'd have cooked them on a stick.
DAPHNE
Sausages and marshmallows. Aren't we acting like grownups?
ROZ
All we need now is a ghost story and we'll be back at summer camp.
DAPHNE
My parents could never afford something like that, so they made me and me brother's camp in Grammy Moon's garden for the whole summer. It wasn't much fun to spend all summer in a tent with eight boys who's idea of fun was getting a hand full of worms and mashing them up in the grinder part of that 'Mouse Trap' board game. Of course the real trouble started when they tricked Grammy Moon into putting them on a sandwich. I kept telling her it wasn't tuna paste, but she was so colour-blind she couldn't tell the difference, or when she went to dye her hair and it came out a sort of orange colour. But my brothers laughed and laughed when the doctor was called in, they kept yelling from the garden 'she's got worms, she got worms.' But she hadn't just an upset stomach, but Simon had worms in the end coincidentally but what did he expect when he used to crawl around the rubbish tip and fire rats around in his slingshot.
ROZ
I said ghost story not gross story.
NILES AND FRASIER ENTER WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS
NILES
Here we go, more marshmallows.
MARTIN
I wonder what a sausage and marshmallow sandwich will taste like?
FRASIER
Hell, immediately springs to mind.
MARTIN
If it were advertised in your gourmet newsletter you wouldn't think twice about eating it.
FRASIER
No I wouldn't think twice about cancelling my subscription.
NILES
Daphne can I speak with you for a moment? Ignore those six little eyes staring at us. I need to ask you something. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but something always seems to stop me.
SFX: RUSTLING NOISE FROM THE TREES
ROZ
Oh my God.
NILES
Yes that's right Roz, Daphne...
ROZ
No I mean oh my God, did you hear that?
FRASIER
Hear what?
ROZ
That noise. It sounds like someone is watching us over there in behind the trees.
SFX: RUSTLING NOISE
ROZ (CONT'D)
There it is again.
MARTIN
I heard it that time.
FRASIER
I wonder what it is.
NILES
(SHOUTS) Something with yet again impeccable timing.
DAPHNE
I bet it's a bear.
MARTIN
Don't talk crazy.
DAPHNE
You saw the sign. And here we are with a big burning spotlight in front of us cooking sausages. Why don't we just run through the woods covered in sheep's blood?
FRASIER
It can't be a bear.
SFX: RUSTLING NOISE
ROZ
There it is again.
NILES
Do you really want to stay around and find out?
FRASIER
Not particularly no.
THEY ALL RUSH INSIDE AND SHUT AND SLAM THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THE ROOM IS STILL ONLY LIT BY CANDLES AS THEY ALL STAY CLOSE TO THE DOOR LOOKING OUT THE WINDOWS
MARTIN
Can you see anything?
SFX: RUSTLING NOISE
ROZ
There it is again. I've got an idea. One of us needs to be a human sacrifice to save the rest.
FRASIER
Was that you volunteering?
ROZ
No
NILES
Frasier you should do it.
FRASIER
Why is this suddenly pick on Frasier day?
DAPHNE
Well think about it logically.
FRASIER
I am and all logic seems to point to the fact that the four of you seem to have a grudge against me. Why can't Roz go?
MARTIN
Roz has a child.
FRASIER
So do I.
MARTIN
But not here.
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane has a cane and a bad leg.
FRASIER
Exactly he's dead wood. What's he got to live for? He should go out there and stop being so selfish.
MARTIN
Oh that's nice. Why don't you just smoother me in the night with a pillow and put me out of my misery?
FRASIER
I would be Eddie is too alert. The moment I crack your door open he growls at me. Oh I've had an idea, let's send Eddie out there.
MARTIN
Over my dead body.
FRASIER
Oh are you volunteering now?
NILES
Oh come on Frasier.
FRASIER
Why can't one of you two do it?
DAPHNE
Because we're a couple and you're single. We have so much more to live for.
FRASIER
I see what's going on. If I don't go out there of my own free will I'll be so depressed I'll turn suicidal and go out there.
ROZ
Just spin a bottle for it.
FRASIER
Once again this is not the time for a drunken orgy.
ROZ
According to you there's never a good time for that. Why exactly did you go to college?
FRASIER
To learn.
ROZ
To learn what? How not to have a good time?
NILES
I think it's stopped. Maybe it just took the sausages and the marshmallows and went away again.
FRASIER
Oh and like that would fill a bear. Why didn't we just make him some cupcakes and peanut brittle?
NILES
When did you become a zookeeper and an authority on bears?
MARTIN
Let's get one of these guns out.
NILES
To shoot the bear?
MARTIN
No to shoot one of you two if you don't shut up.
FRASIER
At least we're tying to come up with a solution.
MARTIN
So am I. When I've shot you both I'll sling you out on the porch. I won't be lying to the police when I say a bear ate you both.
DAPHNE
It's gone awfully quiet. He's probably pulled up a chair to listen to our conversation. There's so much shouting, it could almost be the Jerry Springer show.
FRASIER
The what?
DAPHNE
Oh that's right I forgot you don't live in the real world.
ROZ
You're right it's stopped.
MARTIN
Listen.
THEY ALL LEAN UP THE DOOR AND LISTEN VERY HARD AS THE RANGER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
RANGER
Hello there.
THEY ALL SCREAM AND SPIN AROUND TO THE DIRECTION THE VOICE CAME FROM
NILES
Shoot the bear, shoot the bear.
DAPHNE
Who the bleedin' hell are you?
RANGER
I'm Rodger one of the local Rangers, I just wanted to make sure you were coping OK without any power.
NILES
We were coping just fine until you made us soil ourselves.
FRASIER
We thought you were a bear.
RANGER
Oh there aren't any bears up here.
NILES
Then why do you have that sign on the door?
RANGER
To make it more exciting for the tourists.
MARTIN
Oh yes because thinking you're about to be mauled to death at any moment is really entertaining.
NILES
But this is a private residence, we don't have any tourists stay here.
RANGER
Then I should have a word with your caretaker. This cabin is always full.
NILES
I'll kill him.
FRASIER
You know next time you invite me anywhere Niles I'm just going to say no. I don't think I can cope with the constant supply of embolisms.
DAPHNE
What were you doing out there in the bushes?
RANGER
I wasn't.
ROZ
Then where were you?
RANGER
Out the back taking a leak.
NILES
That means there's still something out the front.
THE RANGER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
Don't do that it'll kill us all.
THE OPEN DOOR REVEALS A RACOON SITTING BY THE FIRE EATING THE MARSHMALLOWS. AS THEY ALL LOOK EXTREMELY SHEEPISH, EMBARRASSED BUT AT THE SAME TIME RELIEVED WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'RIGHT ANSWER, WRONG QUESTION'
FADE IN:
INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)
THE ELECTRICITY IS STILL OUT SO EVERYONE CARRIES A CANDLE. ROZ MAKES HER WAY UP THE STAIRS AS NILES AND DAPHNE UNFOLD SOME BLANKETS AND PLACE THEM ON THE COUCH. FRASIER LOCKS THE FRONT DOOR WHILE MARTIN MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE STAIRS
ROZ
Well goodnight everybody.
THEY ADLIB GOODNIGHT AND ROZ EXITS INTO HER ROOM
FRASIER
Dad why are you taking all that beer to bed with you?
MARTIN
It's getting warm.
FRASIER
And it's cooler in your room?
MARTIN
No, I'm going to drink it before it's ruined.
NILES
So you'll be wanting a new liver in the morning I take it.
MARTIN
Hey I can hold my alcohol.
DAPHNE
Well it's easy when you've spent half of your life holding onto a beer can. Your hands moulded itself to that shape now. If you ever tried to unroll your fingers I imagine they'd snap.
MARTIN
I'm off to bed before I snap.
MARTIN EXITS INTO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO IT
FRASIER
Are you two sure you're all right down here?
NILES
Of course what person isn't fully refreshed in the morning after spending all night sleeping on a hard, cold floor?
FRASIER
As long as you're both all right. Goodnight.
DAPHNE
Goodnight Dr. Crane.
NILES
Goodnight Frasier.
FRASIER EXITS UP THE STAIRS AND INTO HIS ROOM
DAPHNE
Are you sure you're all right down there? I'm sure we'd both fit on here if we tried.
NILES
But in the long run, after the plastic surgery to repair my broken nose caused by when rather then if I fall off and land flat on the floor, it's not worth it. I'm fine.
DAPHNE
I can't see any spiders under the couch anyway so you should be all right. Well Goodnight.
NILES
Nite Daphne.
THEY KISS BEFORE BOTH LYING DOWN AND TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE
A LONG BEAT
DAPHNE
Oh you've been trying to ask me something all day. What is it?
NILES
It was just...do you still want to go on vacation to Manchester?
DAPHNE
Not really, but to avoid more moaning I think we should.
NILES
Then we'll go, under one condition.
DAPHNE
I've told you Simon won't come near you.
NILES
That's not what I meant. I'll go under the condition that we go away to the Cayman Islands or somewhere afterwards.
DAPHNE
Are you serious?
NILES
When am I not?
DAPHNE
That'll be wonderful.
NILES
So do you want to?
DAPHNE
I do.
NILES
That's just what I wanted to hear.
NILES LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AS DAPHNE PLACES A HAND OVER THE SIDE OF THE COUCH AND ONTO HIS AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH SOUND ASLEEP. SUDDENLY THE ELECTRICITY COMES BACK ON ALONG WITH ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE SINCE THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEM OFF AGAIN WHEN THE POWER WENT OFF. THIS IMMEDIATELY WAKES BOTH OF THEM UP. RATHER GROGGILY THEY GET UP AND TURN AND CLAP OFF THE LIGHTS BEFORE COLLAPSING BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AND ON THE FLOOR RESPECTIVELY.
