I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

In loving memory of Mike. Your encouragement and your inspiration has made me the person that I am today. You always said that if you could do it I could do it and I'm more determined now then ever to prove that. I have never know a more loving or caring person and you will stay in my heart, thoughts and prays for the rest of my life.

Well I've moved to university in Wales and I'm so board that writing another season may not be out of the question, but I guess at the end of the day that is up to you to decide. The only source of entertainment that I have is watching a woman give children donkey rides on a stretch of beach that is about four foot squared. Needless to say the donkey gets very dizzy very fast, vomits, falls over and passes out. It seems the only way that I'm going to get any sort of entertainment is if I become a bloated alcoholic and go on a pub crawl, and since this place is just one big hill with my flat at the top and everything else at the bottom, I don't think it's such a good idea. Oh wait...things have become a little more exciting, I can see a sheep from my window. Although I'm pretty sure that man shouldn't be doing that to it. That's disgusting. Oh never mind it's just one of my lecturers. So please send me some feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com or IM me so I can get over the trauma of seeing a sheep being violated.


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Two
The Lost Weekend

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'THEY DO NOTHING BUT FIGHT OVER THE SOAP'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER, FRASIER DOES THE SAME ON THE COUCH AS NILES WAITS BY THE ISLAND JIGGING UP AND DOWN RATHER IMPATIENTLY. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

NILES

Are you all ready?

DAPHNE

Nearly. I just want to knock us up a couple of sandwiches to eat on the way. I didn't think you'd fancy eating what ever we happen to hit with the car on the way up there or beef jerky from a road side stand if we got a bit peckish along the way.

NILES

That's a good idea.

DAPHNE

Anyway I can't imagine that racoon is very appetising when it's cooked with a cigarette lighter. A Bunsen burner on the other hand makes all the difference. They should start to install them in the dashboards of cars. Along with a cappuccino machine and a deep fat fryer. You'd never drive naked that's for sure in case the fat spat at you. Plus I know you, if you can't eat you seem to suddenly get all frisky like a whippet in heat and want to do something else and trust me you're not that good a driver. Your hands are supposed to stay on the wheel not be on my...

FRASIER

Can you please finish that in the car?

DAPHNE

With great pleasure. I may even finish the sentence as well.

MARTIN

So where are you two off to? It's too late to go ice fishing this time of year you know.

NILES

Damn all the bad luck. And there was me getting all excited at the prospect of being able to make my tongue stick to my fishing pole. We're going up to my lake front cottage Dad.

DAPHNE

And don't think you're getting away with not doing your exercises and intend on sitting around watching the television in your underwear either all weekend, I've talked your son into doing them with you.

NILES

You're going to watch television with him in your underwear? You know there's father and son bonding and then there's just plain wrong.

FRASIER

I'm going to help him with his exercises Niles.

NILES

Oh now that makes more sense. And will be more hygienic.

MARTIN

And about that, gee thanks Daphne. That's all I want is Frasier standing over me watching as I thrust my hips into the air. What if someone walks in on us, they might get the wrong idea.

DAPHNE

And who's likely to do a thing like that?

MARTIN

Eddie.

NILES

You bathe with him Dad. He can't possibly be traumatised anymore after enduring that everyday. In fact if he sees you with Frasier he may actually be relieved and hopeful that now you'll leave him alone. Dogs can feel violated as well you know.

FRASIER

What are you complaining about? It isn't exactly going to be that much fun for me either. I don't want to see that. You might have my eye out.

MARTIN

Strangely enough I don't hold my cane when I do my exercises, but knowing you're the one bending my leg back and forth I may start to. If my hip cracks once I'll crack your head with my cane.

DAPHNE

Well I've got an idea. Why don't the two of you come to the cottage with us?

NILES

(COVERING HIS HORROR) Oh yes what a fabulous idea.

MARTIN

Are you sure you want us tagging along?

DAPHNE

Of course, we're not going to be doing anything special are we?

NILES

No! Of course not. Why would you think that?

MARTIN

I'll have to call Duke, we were supposed to be watching the game this weekend. He's already bought the cold cuts.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE PHONE AS DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

(CHEERILY SHOUTS AFTER MARTIN) Wonderful! You go and talk to him and don't take no for an answer you hear me. You're coming even if we have to bring him with us to watch the game there. (VICIOUSLY TO FRASIER) Don't you dare come up there! Remember I have a case full of guns and I won't be afraid to use them. As soon as I work out which end the bullets go in.

FRASIER

One would think they go in the spinny thing.

NILES

Shotguns don't have spinny things.

FRASIER

Well imagine my embarrassment. How will I ever show my face in polite society again? What's the big deal?

NILES

I'm going to try to propose again and the last thing I need is for the two of you to be there watching us.

FRASIER

I suppose you won't want us there when you propose either.

NILES

That's very amusing. I mean it stay away.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH SOME SANDWICHES

DAPHNE

So are you going to come?

FRASIER

I don't think so Daph.

DAPHNE

Oh that's a shame.

NILES

(VERY OTT) Isn't it? I'm just absolutely devastated.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) That's too much.

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Noted.

DAPHNE

I'll just grab me bag.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO HER ROOM

FRASIER

So how are you going to do it?

NILES

I'm going to urinate it in big letters outside the kitchen window. Hopefully the sent will attract all the local wildlife and I'll be able to talk them into posing on one knee with pleading looks on their faces. How do you think I'm going to do it? On one knee, the traditional way. I didn't want to sling shot the ring across the room to her in case I caught her in the eye.

FRASIER

Simply saying the traditional way would have sufficed.

NILES

I'm sorry, I'm just nervous after my last failed attempt. And this time I've taken the precaution and removed all elements that may startle or frighten her to avoid another emergency room incident.

FRASIER

In that case then I'd think twice about that jumper.

NILES

What's wrong with it?

FRASIER

It is a tad on the garish side.

NILES

Daphne made it for me.

FRASIER

Need we say anymore?

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM WITH A BAG

DAPHNE

Well come on then. Let's hit the road.

AS NILES AND DAPHNE BID THEIR FAREWELLS AND EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'JUST GRIN AND BEAR IT'

FADE IN:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Frasier, Eddie, Alice)

THE COTTAGE IS THE ONE USED IN 'DECOYS' AND EVERYTHING REMAINS THE SAME AS THE LAST TIME WE SAW IT. ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THE COUCH IS A BOTTLE OF OPENED WINE WITH TWO GLASSES. DAPHNE STANDS WITH HER BLOUSE PULLED UP TO COVER HER NOSE AND MOUTH BY THE STAIRS AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A HANDKERCHIEF COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH

NILES

Dear God what is that smell?

DAPHNE

It is a bit on the strong side.

DAPHNE BEGINS TO SMELL THE AIR TO FIND THE ORIGIN. SHE STANDS ON A CHAIR AND LOOKS IN THE HEATING DUCT.

NILES

A bit? It's sending me blind. It smells almost like...

DAPHNE

A dead squirrel in the heating duct.

NILES

No it's more of a...

DAPHNE

No there's actually a dead squirrel in the heating duct. Pass me a knife so I can get this grid off please.

NILES GETS HER A PEN KNIFE FROM THE DESK DRAWER AND DAPHNE STARTS TO UNDO THE SCREWS

NILES

I bet he coughed himself to death on this smell.

DAPHNE

Or alternatively the smell could be coming from the squirrel.

NILES PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR TO LOOK IN THE DUCT

NILES

That's even more plausible. What's it doing?

DAPHNE

Baking a cake. Niles honey it's dead. The only thing it's doing is rotting. What's the matter with you again today? You're off in another world. You've got that glazed look in your eye again.

NILES

It's nothing I'm fine. It's just the smell. How do we get it out? (WHISTLES AND PATS HIS LEG) Come here little fellow.

DAPHNE

That's only going to work if you have some strong smelling salts and a Ouija board. Just put your hand in there and pull it out, I'm referring to the squirrel before you take that the wrong way.

NILES

I'm not touching that thing it's decomposing. It'll fall apart in my hand. And the last thing I want to do this evening is reassemble a three-dimensional squirrel jigsaw puzzle. It's not exactly very romantic.

DAPHNE

Put a rubber glove on then.

NILES

Well that would make it a little more romantic but more on the seedy side then anything else.

DAPHNE

I meant to remove the squirrel.

NILES

Of course you did. I knew that. I've got an idea.

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES (CONT'D)

(FROM THE KITCHEN) I wonder how it got in there in the first place.

DAPHNE

Maybe there's a squirrel concentration camp upstairs and this is the Steve McQueen squirrel escaping through the vents. I bet we'll find a James Garner squirrel in the toilet tank.

NILES

(FROM THE KITCHEN) If that's the case remind me to check for Nazi squirrels before we go to bed. I'd hate to wake up with a little tank being pointed at my head in the morning.

NILES ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES, AN APRON AND CARRYING A PAIR ON TONGS AND AN OVEN TRAY

DAPHNE

What do you want those for? I thought we'd take it outside and bury it not bung it on the barbecue for dinner. There isn't exactly a lot of meat on those drumsticks.

NILES GETS BACK ON THE CHAIR AND TRIES TO PICK UP THE SQUIRREL WITH THE TONGS

NILES

I told you I'm not touching it.

HE TURNS IT OVER WITH THE TONGS BEFORE PICKING IT UP

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh it looks like a girl.

DAPHNE

So do you.

NILES

I think I've got it. Ahhh.

NILES DROPS THE SQUIRREL ON THE FLOOR AND RUNS AWAY FROM IT

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

NILES

It waved at me.

DAPHNE

It's dead.

NILES

It must be possessed by some sort of demon then.

AS DAPHNE SITS BACK ON THE COUCH NILES PICKS THE SQUIRREL BACK UP AGAIN AND PUTS IT ON THE OVEN TRAY

DAPHNE

This weekend is starting out fine. I mean who doesn't have a problem with dead, smelling, possessed squirrels in the heating ducts.

DAPHNE STARTS TO SHAKE A CAN OF AIR FRESHENER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I don't know what we'll do when this air freshener runs out.

NILES

Vomit immediately springs to mind.

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE AIR FRESHENER AND STARTS TO SPRAY EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL. DAPHNE STOPS AT THE FRONT DOOR AS SHE READS A NOTICE ON THE BACK OF IT

DAPHNE

Niles come here. Have you read this on the back of the door?

NILES ENTERS, MINUS THE APRON AND THE GLOVES, AND READS THE NOTICE

NILES

What is it? 'Bear Warning'? Nonsense there aren't any bears up here. (THINKS) That I'm aware of anyway. But just to be on the safe side let's shut the windows. We don't want it catching the sent of that squirrel for its dinner and having us for desert.

THEY BOTH SIT BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AS THEY PICK UP THEIR WINE AND START TO RELAX

DAPHNE

Good thinking. Finally we can get back to the wine.

THEY GO TO CLINK GLASSES BUT DAPHNE STOPS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Wait a second.

DAPHNE SPRAYS SOME MORE AIR FRESHENER AROUND WHERE THEY ARE SITTING FORMING SOME SORT OF CLOUD AROUND THEM AS IT RAINS TO THE FLOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That's better.

NILES

(COUGHING) Yes what wine isn't improved by a vanilla air freshener? (TAKING HER HAND) Listen Daphne, I brought you up here for a very special reason. There's something I want to ask you. I've wanted to do it for the longest time now but...

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A BAG FULL OF BEER AND EDDIE ON HIS LEASH

MARTIN

Hi guys.

NILES

(MORTIFIED) Dad!

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane I thought you couldn't join us.

MARTIN

Oh Duke and I can watch the Sea Hawks any old time. Opportunities like this don't come around very often.

NILES

Tell me about it.

MARTIN

What is that smell?

DAPHNE

A dead squirrel.

MARTIN

You know Niles you're supposed to use these guns to shoot ducks not squirrels. Although I'm really proud that your aim is that good to shoot something so little.

NILES

It was in the heating duct.

MARTIN

Well that's a little like shooting fish in a barrel but we all have to start somewhere.

NILES

No Dad, it just died in there, something that I may do very soon unless you understand what I'm telling you.

ENTER ROZ CARRYING ALICE

ROZ

Hi you two.

NILES

(SLOWLY BEGINNING TO HYPERVENTILATE) Roz! Alice! Why this just gets better and better.

FRASIER ENTERS CARRYING ALL THE BAGS

FRASIER

Hello all. Did we miss anything?

NILES

Nothing at all.

NILES PUSHES FRASIER INTO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM

NILES (CONT'D)

Frasier can I have a word with you? (QUIETLY BUT MENACINGLY) I thought I told you to stay away. Did you not take my death threat seriously?

FRASIER

I'm sorry but he was already packed and ready to go the moment you left and since you didn't want me to tell him what you were planning to do, I had no choice.

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

So you decided to bring Roz along for added extra fun?

FRASIER

Well since the weekend was pretty much ruined anyway, I didn't think it would matter. Anyway you still owe her for helping at the spring tasting. You can still propose. Just take her off into the woods and do it.

NILES

Oh how romantic.

ROZ SCREAMS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

ROZ ENTERS CARRYING THE OVEN TRAY WITH THE SQUIRREL ON

ROZ

Why do you have a dead squirrel on an oven tray?

MARTIN

You'll eat anything if it's served in one of your fancy pants restaurants.

NILES

I'll just dispose of it.

NILES TAKES THE TRAY OFF ROZ

MARTIN

Flush it down the toilet.

FRASIER

Dad it's a squirrel not a fish. The last thing we need is it blocking the toilet taking into consideration the amount of beer that you have brought with you. And I don't think Niles would particularly want you sent marking the outside of his cottage.

MARTIN

Oh you can flush most animals down the toilet.

NILES

Yes not a day goes by when I don't walk past a public toilet and see a dead cow sticking out of it. You can hardly get into a cubicle at Nervosa for all the elephants blocking the bowls.

MARTIN

I didn't mean something that big. Just throw it in there and we can force it around the pipe with a long stick.

NILES

If it's all the same with you I'll just bury it.

EDDIE STARTS TO JUMP UP NILES TRYING TO GET THE SQUIRREL

FRASIER

But when Eddie does finally descend to that flea infested kennel in the sky I may take you up on that offer of the toilet burial. I'd personally prod him around the bend with a stick myself. It would be a great honour.

NILES

And on that subject can you get Eddie? Don't make me bury him alongside this thing.

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AS NILES EXITS THROUGH THE KITCHEN AND DAPHNE STARTS TO SPRAY THE ROOM WITH MORE AIR FRESHENER.

FRASIER

Don't you have any other kind of air freshener? It smells like a vanilla bomb went off in here.

DAPHNE

Surprisingly that's not the first thing that sprung to mind when me boyfriend ask me to his cottage for the weekend. You're lucky I brought underwear. So it's either squirrel or vanilla. Do we need to take a vote?

MARTIN

I'm going to put my beer in the fridge.

MARTIN PUTS EDDIE ON THE FLOOR THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

Frasier can I use your cell phone?

ROZ PUTS HER HAND DEEP INTO FRASIER'S PANT POCKET AND STARTS TO FISH AROUND LOOKING FOR THE PHONE. FRASIER FLINCHES AND HOLDS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR AS IF BEING SEARCHED BY A POLICE OFFICER. EVENTUALLY ROZ PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS

SFX: ROZ' CELL PHONE

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh look it works. What a surprise. I have a full battery and I've got a perfectly good signal. (SHOUTS AND GRABS HOLD OF FRASIER'S JUMPER AND SHAKES HIM) So why hasn't he called? Why? Tell me why?

FRASIER

Because you're a tad on the psychotic side?

DAPHNE

What's this about?

FRASIER

Oh Daphne please don't poke the bear. I had to listen to it all the way up here and my ears are beginning to bleed.

ROZ

Alan still hasn't called me. It's been three days. Why hasn't he called me?

DAPHNE

Did you two, you know?

ROZ

Daphne it was our first date.

DAPHNE

Oh I'm sorry to be so presumptuous. I didn't mean to be rude.

ROZ

No I mean it was our first date, of course we did.

FRASIER

Yes Roz likes to move around all the bases at the speed of light. That's how she's able to date three men on the same evening.

ROZ

Shut up. And it wasn't as bad as it sounded. They were all at the same restaurant. I just had to keep saying I was going to the bathroom and once I was full stuff the food in my purse when they weren't looking.

DAPHNE

Did you really click with this Alan then?

ROZ

He was nice enough, he came around to clean my drains.

FRASIER

And by the sounds of it he certainly did that.

ROZ

He was a bit limited in the bedroom though.

DAPHNE

The earth didn't move I take it?

ROZ

I don't think the headboard moved.

FRASIER

Then why are you so desperate for him to call you?

ROZ

It's just common courtesy. The man slept with me, in the very least he owes me a phone call.

FRASIER

A move that would revolutionise the prostitution business.

ENTER NILES AND MARTIN THROUGH THE KITCHEN

NILES

Well that's all taken care of. Services will take place later this evening before the wake followed by the reading of the will.

MARTIN

As long as I get his nuts I don't care about everything else.

FRASIER

If it's all the same with you I'll just pass. I don't think squirrels own much antique furniture.

MARTIN

So which bedroom is mine?

NILES

Well Dad we only actually have three bedrooms, so I guess someone's sleeping on the couch.

ROZ

Are you going to fit on there Frasier?

FRASIER

Why do I have to sleep on the couch? I'm not married to Lilith anymore. My couch days were over when that divorce came through.

MARTIN

Along with your sexually active days.

FRASIER

You're the one who sleeps with a dog.

DAPHNE

It's only fair for you to sleep down here.

FRASIER

Why?

DAPHNE

Because Roz has got a child, Mr. Crane's got a gammy leg and well Niles and I...you just wouldn't want to be the first person up that's all if we stop down here.

FRASIER

This isn't fair. Let's pull straws.

NILES

(SOTTO) I've already pulled the shortest straw imaginable today.

ROZ

Let's spin a bottle.

FRASIER

What a splendid idea. And after this situation has turned into a drunken orgy none of us will care where we sleep. Some of us happened to study through college.

NILES

Oh come on Frasier.

FRASIER

I am not sleeping on that couch.

ROZ TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS

DAPHNE

Fine, toss and turn on it all night instead.

NILES

(FRUSTRATED) Oh all right Frasier, you take the other room, we'll sleep down here.

ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE

ROZ

(SHOUTS) Oh my God! A woman answered the phone.

DAPHNE

Who were you calling?

ROZ

Alan.

FRASIER

Maybe it's his sister, his mother, his Albania foster child, who knows. Don't jump to the automatic conclusion.

ROZ STARTS TO PACE ACROSS THE ROOM

ROZ

What's that? That I put out so now he doesn't want me and now he's moved on to get another notch on his bedpost.

MARTIN

Maybe you dialled the wrong number.

ROZ

Do you really think so? I just don't know what... (NOTICING THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR) Have you seen this bear warning? You never told me there were bears here I wouldn't have brought Alice.

FRASIER AND MARTIN JOIN HER LOOKING AT THE SIGN

FRASIER

Oh don't be ludicrous. Oh what do you know it is a bear warning.

DAPHNE

Don't panic. Should one kick the door down Niles and I will provoke it and keep it occupied as we're sleeping on the couch. Then as we're being digested and he's picking his teeth with my index finger you lot can make your getaway through one of the upstairs windows.

FRASIER

(SINCERELY) Thanks a lot you two.

EDDIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH

MARTIN

That smells back again.

DAPHNE

I'll get the air freshener.

MARTIN STARTS TO STARE AT AND SMELL NILES

NILES

What's that look for? It's not me, I may have buried it but I didn't roll around in the dirt with it first. I thought it might object under the circumstances.

ROZ

What's Eddie got in his mouth?

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) The squirrel!

THEY ALL LUNGE TOWARDS EDDIE WHO RUNS UP THE STAIRS

MARTIN

Get back here Eddie.

EDDIE STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH

NILES

No, don't shake your head.

THE DIRT FLIES EVERYWHERE OFF EDDIE AND THE SQUIRREL AS EVERYONE ELSE SHIELDS THEIR FACES AND WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Alice, Eddie)

THE ROOM IS MUCH DARKER AS THE SUN CAN BE SEEN SETTING THROUGH THE WINDOWS. ROZ SITS ON THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH WITH ALICE ON HER LAP, FRASIER SITS ON HER RIGHT AND MARTIN IS ON HER LEFT. NILES SITS ON THE CHAIR TO THE LEFT WITH HIS FEET RESTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND DAPHNE SITTING ON HIS LAP WITH HER LEGS RESTING OVER THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR. THE TELEVISION PLAYS AND BOTH ALICE AND MARTIN ARE MESMERISED BY IT

FRASIER

What is this programme?

ROZ

Barney The Dinosaur.

NILES

Is there any particular reason why he's hallucinogenic?

ROZ

To make it more amusing when you roll in on a Sunday morning, drunk and it's the only thing on the television.

MARTIN

This show is great.

FRASIER

Well if you're a very good boy I may buy you the video for your birthday.

DAPHNE

Look at that sunset. It reminds me of the last time we were up here.

NILES SLIPS OUT FROM UNDER DAPHNE AND STANDS UP

NILES

Swiftly moving on. Let's go for a walk so you can see it better.

DAPHNE

It's all right I can see it from here.

NILES PULLS HER UP FROM THE CHAIR

NILES

But there's something I need to ask you. Come on.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER GETS UP AND TURNS ON A LAMP

ROZ

And you miss, off to bed with you.

ROZ SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AND BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER KISS ALICE AND ADLIB GOODNIGHT. ROZ TURNS ON THE LANDING LIGHT AS THEY GO UPSTAIRS AND EXIT INTO ONE OF THE BEDROOMS. FRASIER NOTICES SOMETHING BY WHERE NILES WAS SITTING

FRASIER

What is this? (PICKS IT UP TO REVEAL THE ENGAGEMENT RING BOX) Oh no. I'll be back in a moment Dad.

FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR

RESET TO:

EXT. WOODLAND BY THE EDGE OF THE LAKE — MOMENTS LATER

AS THE LIGHT IS GREATLY REDUCED NILES AND DAPHNE STOP IN A CLEARING. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY TREES

DAPHNE

What on earth have you dragged me all the way out here for? I'm no longer fond of the woods since 'The Blair Witch Project' or of having a camcorder shoved in my face.

NILES

(RAMBLING) Daphne I want to ask you something and although this isn't exactly the perfect place, I want to do it, especially before I loose my nerve and I've done that a lot with you over the last eight years.

DAPHNE

Niles you're beginning to ramble.

NILES

Daphne will you...

SFX. TWIG SNAPPING BEHIND THEM

NILES (CONT'D)

Did you hear something?

DAPHNE

What?

SFX: TWIG SNAPPING IN THE SAME AREA

NILES

That.

DAPHNE

Oh dear God it's bear.

NILES

It can't be.

DAPHNE

You read that warning. They don't just put up bear warnings for people's amusement. If it was there for entertainment purposes it would have said 'dancing bear with X-rated balloon trick' instead.

NILES

Well what do we do?

DAPHNE

I don't know about you but I'm going to run like hell.

DAPHNE RUNS BACK TOWARDS THE COTTAGE

NILES

(SHOUTS) Wait for me.

NILES RUNS AND FOLLOWS DAPHNE AS FRASIER APPEARS FROM THE TREES IN THE DIRECTION THAT THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM AND STARES AFTER THEM LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED

RESET TO:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

IT IS NOW VIRTUALLY PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE AS NILES AND DAPHNE BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAM IT BEHIND THEM. MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH JUMP AT THE NOISE

DAPHNE

Quick get in. Shut the door.

MARTIN

What's going on?

NILES

We heard a bear.

ROZ

You heard what?

SFX: POUNDING ON THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

Quick everyone lean up the door.

ALL FOUR LEAN UP THE DOOR TO PREVENT IT FROM BEING OPENED

NILES

Where's Frasier?

MARTIN

He went looking for you two.

NILES

He did what?

DAPHNE

Oh no he's still out there.

NILES

We have to warn him. Quick Roz phone him on your cell phone.

ROZ

But what if Alan calls while I'm on the line?

NILES

What if Frasier gets eaten by a bear? Which is more important to you?

A LONG BEAT

MARTIN

Do you even need to think about it?

ROZ

Isn't there another way we can contact him?

NILES

No, all my carrier pigeons are on strike, if we used smoke signals we'd burn down the forest and I've got a headache so telepathy is out.

ROZ

Oh all right fine.

SFX: POUNDING ON THE DOOR

MARTIN

Quick Niles get a gun from the case.

NILES

Who do I look like Elma Fud?

DAPHNE

Fine I'll do it. You're likely to blow your toes off.

FRASIER

(FROM OUTSIDE) Will you open the door you bunch of jackasses!

MARTIN

That's Frasier.

NILES

It might not be. It might be the bear.

ROZ

A talking bear that can also mimic people?

NILES

Yes, certain types of circus bears.

FRASIER

(FROM OUTSIDE) Just open the Goddamn door.

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AS FRASIER ENTERS AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS BACK DOWN

NILES

Sorry we thought you were a bear.

FRASIER

I noticed. You frightened the life out of me when you just took off yelling bear. Until I realised that it was aimed at me. But for future reference bears don't wear loafers.

NILES

What were you doing?

FRASIER

(WHISPERS) You forgot the ring.

ROZ WALKS TO THE DESK BY THE STAIRS WITH A LAMP ON IT

ROZ

It's getting too dark in here. Niles how do you turn this lamp on?

NILES

Just clap.

ROZ

It's a little bit tacky for your taste isn't it?

NILES

Call it intuition that I knew you were coming.

ROZ THEN CLAPS HER HANDS REALLY LOUDLY MAKING THE LAMP TURN ON. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COTTAGE GO OUT LEAVING IT IN TOTAL DARKNESS. WE CANNOT SEE A THING.

ROZ

Did I do that?

FRASIER

Meanwhile Roz claps her hands in Seattle and there's a tidal wave in China.

DAPHNE

The caretaker said that there was a problem with the power lines recently. I thought he was joking though when he said the birds landing on them somehow kept electrocuting themselves and knocking the power out.

NILES

It's all those toe rings they wear.

MARTIN

Have you got any candles? I don't want to drink all that beer if I can't see the toilet. I might get confused and go in the cupboard.

NILES

Thanks for the reminder to lock all doors this evening before curling up on the couch. There's some in the kitchen.

DAPHNE

I'll help.

NILES AND DAPHNE CAN BE HEARD EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Why did you bring so much beer anyway? Anyone would think we were going to get stranded up here.

MARTIN

I'm stuck in the woods with my family. That situation calls for a lot of beer.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) And some sort of cattle prod.

MARTIN

I heard that.

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ

Oh my God. That's my cell phone.

FRASIER

Well answer it quick, it might be Alan.

ROZ

I can't I put it down to clap the lamp on.

MARTIN

Just go back over there and pick it up.

ROZ

I would but I don't know where I am now let alone where the lamp is. I don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go.

FRASIER

Just follow the noise.

ROZ

I need a candle.

FRASIER

And some extra strength Valium.

MARTIN

I'll go and hurry them up.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

I think I've found the couch. What is that?

FRASIER

You're fondling my rear end Roz, and trust me you won't be able to talk to Alan with that.

ROZ

Oh my God now I've got to wash my hand. I've got it. (ON PHONE) Hello? No this is not 'Pizza, Pizza, Pizza'. Bye.

FRASIER

I take it your groping me wasn't worth it.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER WITH SOME CANDLES AND A FLASHLIGHT SENDING LIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM.

NILES

(CALLING BACK TO MARTIN) I'm sorry, but I had to empty the cupboard to find a spade to bury the squirrel.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

MARTIN ENTERS WITH A BUCKET STUCK ON HIS FOOT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh I see.

MARTIN

Why did you have to get a spade?

NILES

I didn't want to use a spoon taking into consideration that we'd all probably like to eat with them later.

MARTIN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS FOOT ON THE TABLE

FRASIER

Let's just pull it off.

FRASIER TRIES TO PULL IT OFF BUT IT DOESN'T MOVE

MARTIN

Ow! Watch it.

DAPHNE

Fill it full of water, maybe it'll slide out.

MARTIN

I've still got my shoe on it'll ruin it.

NILES

Well maybe if you had taken your shoes off in someone else's home this wouldn't be a problem.

MARTIN

I'm so sorry, but when you've got a dead squirrel on the kitchen counter I didn't think you'd care about a bit of mud on the carpet. Ooh the germs. Cover your mouths.

NILES

Here let me pull it.

FRASIER

Niles you can't pull a cracker.

NILES

I'm dating Daphne aren't I?

FRASIER

That's not what I meant.

ROZ

Maybe we could cover it with some butter, that'll get it off.

MARTIN

But what about my shoe?

ROZ

We can do the other one to match. It'll be a new fashion statement.

MARTIN

Stay away from my feet.

FRASIER

For God sake Dad I'll give you the fifteen dollars to replace them. Crushed velvet linings and all.

DAPHNE

When you suggested that we come up here for the weekend, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

NILES

Ditto.

AS FRASIER TRIES TO PULL THE BUCKET OFF AGAIN WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Roz, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin)

THE POWER IS STILL OFF SO THE ROOM REMAINS LIT BY THE CANDLES. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE LOOKS THROUGH A WINDOW BY THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

Well we don't have anything to worry about. Sending two big doilies and a man with a limp out to forage in the wood in the dark. I think we would have had more success if we had sent Alice and Eddie.

DAPHNE

We've got no gas or electric so the only way to cook anything is with a fire. Although I can't imagine lobster comfit is going to taste very nice when the lobster's been wedged on a stick and shoved in a large flame. I don't know what we'd have done if Mr. Crane hadn't brought those sausages.

ROZ

And I have marshmallows to toast. But remind me to always take a blowtorch with me in future on all Crane family outings. If not to cook with then to chase Frasier and Niles with when they start to get on my nerves.

DAPHNE JOINS ROZ ON THE COUCH

DAPHNE

It's not that bad. They're only looking for wood. And they're in the middle of the forest so the chances of success should be pretty high if you ask me. It's not as if they've gone searching for food, we'd have starved to death before they caught anything even remotely edible.

ROZ

And you honestly think Niles is going to touch a dirty log with his bare hands?

DAPHNE

Didn't you see? He took the marigolds out of the kitchen with him. I keep telling him yellow isn't his colour.

ROZ

The trademark of all good lumberjacks.

DAPHNE

Oh yes I can just see Niles wearing women's underwear?

ROZ

Excuse me?

DAPHNE

Sorry it's an English, Monty Python thing. I don't exactly know how Dr. Crane expects to cut a tree branch with a pie slicer either.

ROZ

He probably took that to defend himself against a bear attack. So anyway changing the subject, how are things going with you and Niles? What's it's been? Nearly a year now?

DAPHNE

A year all but a few weeks. Its perfect life is perfect. Sometimes I feel as if I should pinch myself and then I see him wiping his cutlery that I'd just stood and polished and then I want to pinch him.

ROZ

It's strange I thought he'd have proposed by now. It has been eight years for him. I don't think I've even known a man eight years, except Frasier.

DAPHNE

I don't think it's strange. To be perfectly honest Roz I can't see us ever getting married.

ROZ

Why? Don't you want to?

DAPHNE

I'd marry him at the drop of a hat. But I just don't think he will. Not after everything that's happened with Maris and Mel. He's never even mentioned it and like I said, I don't think he'll ever want to.

ROZ

So what, are you going to stay at Frasier's forever?

DAPHNE

Oh I don't doubt we'll move in together, maybe even have a couple of kids over the next few years before it's too late. I just can't see him wanting to take those vows again. Whenever he does the relationship just ends. I can see that playing on his mind.

ROZ

Well how do you feel about that?

DAPHNE

Devastated of course. And I won't look forward to the comments made by my family either but it's something I'll have to accept if I want to be with him.

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS HAIR EXTREMELY MESSY AND OVERHEARS THE FINAL PART OF THE CONVERSATION

NILES

What is?

DAPHNE

Never being able to be a member of a Barbershop quartet.

NILES

Really? You never said anything before. Don't let me stop you from following your dreams.

DAPHNE

Oh it's just a dream I had as a child, but the chances of it happening vanished along with my baby teeth.

ROZ

What happened to your hair? You look as though you were dragged through a bush backwards.

NILES

Ah your idea of a romantic date I take it. A bat attacked me. It flew in my hair.

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER

It was not a bat it was a tiny, tiny moth. The thing was so minuscule, it's easier to see the atom then the moth.

NILES

It was a bat and you know it. Frasier tried to hit me around the head with an extremely large and may I add dirty log.

FRASIER

Well you asked me to kill it.

NILES

Exactly kill it, not me. There's a subtle but extremely important difference. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with an imprint of a log on the side of my head. I don't think people would mistake it for an unusual birthmark and not many people have logs tattooed on their heads.

FRASIER

It was still no reason for you to go running off screaming into the never-ending darkness of the wood.

NILES

Considering my brother was wielding a log and running in my direction threateningly, I think my reaction was rather restrained.

FRASIER

It wouldn't have been chasing you if you had put the flashlight down like I told you to.

NILES

I wasn't going to do that, not in the woods. Who knows what I could have trod in. Animals aren't fussy where they go you know.

ROZ

(TO DAPHNE) You're right, we should have gone looking for the wood.

MARTIN

(FROM OUTSIDE) Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but there's an old man with a cane out here, and not to mention a bucket still stuck on his foot, who's just dragged a dozen logs through the woods on his own because his big girlie sons didn't want to break a nail. So would someone mind giving me a hand and giving me a beer?

FRASIER

Could he be anymore demanding?

NILES

Not without being one of our ex-wives.

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT OUTSIDE AS WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Ranger, Eddie)

THEY ALL SIT ON CHAIRS FROM THE PORCH AROUND A SMALL CAMP FIRE THAT THEY HAVE STARTED ON THE DRIVEWAY. EDDIE STARTS TO DIG A HOLE WHERE THE SQUIRREL IS BURIED TO THE RIGHT AS EVERYONE ELSE TOASTS MARSHMALLOWS AND SAUSAGES IN THE FIRE

NILES

Dad will you get Eddie away from the squirrel burial site. I've already disposed of it twice today I don't want to have to do it again. Each time I seem to loose one of it's limbs. I'm worried about where I'll find them.

DAPHNE

Oh stop panicking. His arm is hardly likely to drag itself across the room and strangle you in the night. It's too small to start with.

FRASIER

Not to mention that the arm is no longer attached to the squirrel.

MARTIN

Well Eddie's an animal what do you expect?

FRASIER

That he'd have learnt by now not to drink from the toilet.

DAPHNE

He's stopped doing that since the lid slammed on his head.

MARTIN

Yes when it mysteriously slammed on his head and almost killed him.

FRASIER

I told you, it wasn't me.

MARTIN

And I've told you, I can see your nose growing every time you say that.

ROZ

How far down did you bury it because that holes getting bigger? I say hole but it's more of a crater.

NILES

I buried it far enough.

ROZ

How far?

NILES

I didn't see the earth's core if that's what you want to know. I thought I might singe my eyebrows.

DAPHNE

I'll get him. Dear God he smells awful.

DAPHNE PICKS UP EDDIE AND BRINGS HIM TO WHERE SHE WAS SITTING

FRASIER

That makes a change.

MARTIN

It's from when he was rolling around the stairs with the squirrel in his mouth.

DAPHNE

I'll spray him with the air freshener. It seems to have worked inside I don't see why it won't work on a dog.

FRASIER

With all due respect Daphne, I think the last thing we should do is spray a dog with a highly flammable aerosol spray when there's a roaring fire a few feet away.

ROZ

I wouldn't exactly call it a roaring fire.

NILES

I wouldn't call it a fire but I don't know what the technical term is for smouldering twigs.

FRASIER

If you want a fire, let Daphne spray Eddie and give me a match. It'll probably cook these marshmallows quicker.

MARTIN BEGINS TO RUB HIS FOOT THAT IS STILL IN THE BUCKET

MARTIN

This bucket is really beginning to hurt. The blood supply is being cut off from my foot.

FRASIER

Well tell us when it goes completely numb and we'll be able to amputate without anaesthetic.

NILES

Isn't there some way we could cut it off?

ROZ

With what? Most of the knifes in that kitchen you could ride on all the way to Guam on and still not cut your butt.

NILES

That was almost pure poetry.

FRASIER

Put it in the fire and melt the damn thing off.

MARTIN

Frasier you are no longer to help with this matter.

FRASIER

Well if you'd just let me pull it...

MARTIN

You'd rip my leg off from the hip.

ROZ

That's a bit of an overstatement. Don't you mean he'd pull, loose his grip, fall backwards and knock himself out?

MARTIN

Yeah I did, but I didn't want to say it in front of company.

DAPHNE

I've been thinking. Why don't you just take your foot out of your shoe?

MARTIN UNTIES HIS SHOE LACE AND SLIPS HIS FOOT OUT FREEING HIM

MARTIN

Would you look at that!

DAPHNE

Now just pull the shoe out.

MARTIN TRIES BUT CAN'T PULL IT OUT

MARTIN

I can't grip the thing.

FRASIER

Give it here Dad.

MARTIN PASSES IT TO HIM BUT HE IS ALSO UNABLE TO PULL IT OUT. HE TRIES SO HARD THAT HIS FACE BEGINS TO TURN RED

NILES

Oh let me try.

NILES PULLS AT THE SHOE BUT ONCE AGAIN IT DOESN'T BUDGE. EVENTUALLY HE PULLS SO HARD, HE LOOSES HIS GRIP AND HIS HAND FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD

DAPHNE

Pass it here.

DAPHNE TAKES THE BUCKET AND PULLS THE SHOE OUT WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE AND HANDS IT BACK TO MARTIN

FRASIER

It never occurred to me to get you to do that.

DAPHNE

Well I may not have a PhD but I do have a brain that works once in a while. Maybe you two should invest in one between you. You could have it every other day of the week.

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ

Oh my God, oh my God it's ringing. What do I do?

NILES

The obvious answer would be to answer it, but hey I'm just wild and crazy.

ROZ

(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Alan. I'm fine. How about you? Oh that's OK, I didn't expect you to call me straight away. Well that sounds very nice but I'm going to have to pass. It's not you it's me. I just didn't hear that click. Well yes I heard the one when you dislocated your hip. I asked if you wanted to go to the hospital. Well what can I say I'm the best. I'm sorry. Bye.

FRASIER

I don't believe it after all the fuss you've made and you dump him when he does call.

ROZ

I never said I wanted to continue the relationship.

MARTIN

Then what was the big deal?

ROZ

As I said, he slept with me. He at least owed me a phone call, it's just common courtesy.

FRASIER

Oh and believe me it is extremely common.

NILES

It's courtesy, like a courtesy car. You've had your quick ride and now you've sent it back to the store in favour of searching for a newer model. I can see that threatening look in your eye again, I'll go and get some more marshmallows.

ROZ

Good because do you know where I'm going to put this hot one?

NILES

I can guess.

NILES EXITS INTO THE COTTAGE WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING

RESET TO:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND FRASIER ENTER, WALK OVER TO THE TABLE AND START TO OPEN SOME MORE PACKETS OF MARSHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM IN A BOWL.

FRASIER

Niles what are you waiting for?

NILES

For Roz and more importantly that marshmallow to cool down.

FRASIER

I mean with Daphne.

NILES

You've lost me.

FRASIER

Why haven't you proposed yet?

NILES

I tried but the four of you burst through the front door as wanted as a contagious skin rash.

FRASIER

What's stopping you from doing it now?

NILES

The fact that you'll all be staring at me when I do it. And sitting alfresco toasting marshmallows isn't exactly the romantic picture I had in mind.

FRASIER

Then why did you try to do it out in the woods and at the emergency room the other day?

NILES

All right I don't want an audience because...

FRASIER

Because what?

NILES

Because... well, you know.

FRASIER

Dear God can't you wait until we've gone to bed for that?

NILES

That's not what I meant. What if she says no? I'll hardly need Roz's sarcastic remarks when my heart has just been ripped from my chest and thrown to Eddie as one of his chew toys.

FRASIER

Oh that's not going to happen.

NILES

Do you think so?

FRASIER

Yes Eddie only likes the chew toys that have a squeaker. I doubt your heart will make that sort of noise.

NILES

I don't want you three pitying me when I start to weep uncontrollably.

FRASIER

We won't pity you if she says no, we'll be supportive.

NILES

I didn't mean that, I meant when I weep.

FRASIER

Oh well we'll pity you for that. You're a grown man for heavens sake.

NILES

I saw you cry last week.

FRASIER

Well that was different I trod on a plug it hurt.

NILES

Thanks for the support.

FRASIER

I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Of course she'll say yes. Daphne is so smitten with you, I don't know how you could even doubt it.

NILES

You remember Maris don't you?

FRASIER

That was a long time ago and Daphne is not Maris. There's not even a slight comparison. Now take a deep breath and do it, before you miss your chance and you've done that far too much with her. Partly my fault I know, but this is yet another way that I'll try to make amends.

NILES

OK

RESET TO:

EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT AS BEFORE TOASTING THE MARSHMALLOWS AND COOKING THE SAUSAGES

MARTIN

I'm just glad I decided to go with the small ones instead of those foot long wieners. I'm not sure how we'd have cooked them on a stick.

DAPHNE

Sausages and marshmallows. Aren't we acting like grownups?

ROZ

All we need now is a ghost story and we'll be back at summer camp.

DAPHNE

My parents could never afford something like that, so they made me and me brother's camp in Grammy Moon's garden for the whole summer. It wasn't much fun to spend all summer in a tent with eight boys who's idea of fun was getting a hand full of worms and mashing them up in the grinder part of that 'Mouse Trap' board game. Of course the real trouble started when they tricked Grammy Moon into putting them on a sandwich. I kept telling her it wasn't tuna paste, but she was so colour-blind she couldn't tell the difference, or when she went to dye her hair and it came out a sort of orange colour. But my brothers laughed and laughed when the doctor was called in, they kept yelling from the garden 'she's got worms, she got worms.' But she hadn't just an upset stomach, but Simon had worms in the end coincidentally but what did he expect when he used to crawl around the rubbish tip and fire rats around in his slingshot.

ROZ

I said ghost story not gross story.

NILES AND FRASIER ENTER WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS

NILES

Here we go, more marshmallows.

MARTIN

I wonder what a sausage and marshmallow sandwich will taste like?

FRASIER

Hell, immediately springs to mind.

MARTIN

If it were advertised in your gourmet newsletter you wouldn't think twice about eating it.

FRASIER

No I wouldn't think twice about cancelling my subscription.

NILES

Daphne can I speak with you for a moment? Ignore those six little eyes staring at us. I need to ask you something. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but something always seems to stop me.

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE FROM THE TREES

ROZ

Oh my God.

NILES

Yes that's right Roz, Daphne...

ROZ

No I mean oh my God, did you hear that?

FRASIER

Hear what?

ROZ

That noise. It sounds like someone is watching us over there in behind the trees.

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ (CONT'D)

There it is again.

MARTIN

I heard it that time.

FRASIER

I wonder what it is.

NILES

(SHOUTS) Something with yet again impeccable timing.

DAPHNE

I bet it's a bear.

MARTIN

Don't talk crazy.

DAPHNE

You saw the sign. And here we are with a big burning spotlight in front of us cooking sausages. Why don't we just run through the woods covered in sheep's blood?

FRASIER

It can't be a bear.

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ

There it is again.

NILES

Do you really want to stay around and find out?

FRASIER

Not particularly no.

THEY ALL RUSH INSIDE AND SHUT AND SLAM THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE ROOM IS STILL ONLY LIT BY CANDLES AS THEY ALL STAY CLOSE TO THE DOOR LOOKING OUT THE WINDOWS

MARTIN

Can you see anything?

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ

There it is again. I've got an idea. One of us needs to be a human sacrifice to save the rest.

FRASIER

Was that you volunteering?

ROZ

No

NILES

Frasier you should do it.

FRASIER

Why is this suddenly pick on Frasier day?

DAPHNE

Well think about it logically.

FRASIER

I am and all logic seems to point to the fact that the four of you seem to have a grudge against me. Why can't Roz go?

MARTIN

Roz has a child.

FRASIER

So do I.

MARTIN

But not here.

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane has a cane and a bad leg.

FRASIER

Exactly he's dead wood. What's he got to live for? He should go out there and stop being so selfish.

MARTIN

Oh that's nice. Why don't you just smoother me in the night with a pillow and put me out of my misery?

FRASIER

I would be Eddie is too alert. The moment I crack your door open he growls at me. Oh I've had an idea, let's send Eddie out there.

MARTIN

Over my dead body.

FRASIER

Oh are you volunteering now?

NILES

Oh come on Frasier.

FRASIER

Why can't one of you two do it?

DAPHNE

Because we're a couple and you're single. We have so much more to live for.

FRASIER

I see what's going on. If I don't go out there of my own free will I'll be so depressed I'll turn suicidal and go out there.

ROZ

Just spin a bottle for it.

FRASIER

Once again this is not the time for a drunken orgy.

ROZ

According to you there's never a good time for that. Why exactly did you go to college?

FRASIER

To learn.

ROZ

To learn what? How not to have a good time?

NILES

I think it's stopped. Maybe it just took the sausages and the marshmallows and went away again.

FRASIER

Oh and like that would fill a bear. Why didn't we just make him some cupcakes and peanut brittle?

NILES

When did you become a zookeeper and an authority on bears?

MARTIN

Let's get one of these guns out.

NILES

To shoot the bear?

MARTIN

No to shoot one of you two if you don't shut up.

FRASIER

At least we're tying to come up with a solution.

MARTIN

So am I. When I've shot you both I'll sling you out on the porch. I won't be lying to the police when I say a bear ate you both.

DAPHNE

It's gone awfully quiet. He's probably pulled up a chair to listen to our conversation. There's so much shouting, it could almost be the Jerry Springer show.

FRASIER

The what?

DAPHNE

Oh that's right I forgot you don't live in the real world.

ROZ

You're right it's stopped.

MARTIN

Listen.

THEY ALL LEAN UP THE DOOR AND LISTEN VERY HARD AS THE RANGER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

RANGER

Hello there.

THEY ALL SCREAM AND SPIN AROUND TO THE DIRECTION THE VOICE CAME FROM

NILES

Shoot the bear, shoot the bear.

DAPHNE

Who the bleedin' hell are you?

RANGER

I'm Rodger one of the local Rangers, I just wanted to make sure you were coping OK without any power.

NILES

We were coping just fine until you made us soil ourselves.

FRASIER

We thought you were a bear.

RANGER

Oh there aren't any bears up here.

NILES

Then why do you have that sign on the door?

RANGER

To make it more exciting for the tourists.

MARTIN

Oh yes because thinking you're about to be mauled to death at any moment is really entertaining.

NILES

But this is a private residence, we don't have any tourists stay here.

RANGER

Then I should have a word with your caretaker. This cabin is always full.

NILES

I'll kill him.

FRASIER

You know next time you invite me anywhere Niles I'm just going to say no. I don't think I can cope with the constant supply of embolisms.

DAPHNE

What were you doing out there in the bushes?

RANGER

I wasn't.

ROZ

Then where were you?

RANGER

Out the back taking a leak.

NILES

That means there's still something out the front.

THE RANGER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

Don't do that it'll kill us all.

THE OPEN DOOR REVEALS A RACOON SITTING BY THE FIRE EATING THE MARSHMALLOWS. AS THEY ALL LOOK EXTREMELY SHEEPISH, EMBARRASSED BUT AT THE SAME TIME RELIEVED WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'RIGHT ANSWER, WRONG QUESTION'

FADE IN:

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)

THE ELECTRICITY IS STILL OUT SO EVERYONE CARRIES A CANDLE. ROZ MAKES HER WAY UP THE STAIRS AS NILES AND DAPHNE UNFOLD SOME BLANKETS AND PLACE THEM ON THE COUCH. FRASIER LOCKS THE FRONT DOOR WHILE MARTIN MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE STAIRS

ROZ

Well goodnight everybody.

THEY ADLIB GOODNIGHT AND ROZ EXITS INTO HER ROOM

FRASIER

Dad why are you taking all that beer to bed with you?

MARTIN

It's getting warm.

FRASIER

And it's cooler in your room?

MARTIN

No, I'm going to drink it before it's ruined.

NILES

So you'll be wanting a new liver in the morning I take it.

MARTIN

Hey I can hold my alcohol.

DAPHNE

Well it's easy when you've spent half of your life holding onto a beer can. Your hands moulded itself to that shape now. If you ever tried to unroll your fingers I imagine they'd snap.

MARTIN

I'm off to bed before I snap.

MARTIN EXITS INTO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO IT

FRASIER

Are you two sure you're all right down here?

NILES

Of course what person isn't fully refreshed in the morning after spending all night sleeping on a hard, cold floor?

FRASIER

As long as you're both all right. Goodnight.

DAPHNE

Goodnight Dr. Crane.

NILES

Goodnight Frasier.

FRASIER EXITS UP THE STAIRS AND INTO HIS ROOM

DAPHNE

Are you sure you're all right down there? I'm sure we'd both fit on here if we tried.

NILES

But in the long run, after the plastic surgery to repair my broken nose caused by when rather then if I fall off and land flat on the floor, it's not worth it. I'm fine.

DAPHNE

I can't see any spiders under the couch anyway so you should be all right. Well Goodnight.

NILES

Nite Daphne.

THEY KISS BEFORE BOTH LYING DOWN AND TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE

A LONG BEAT

DAPHNE

Oh you've been trying to ask me something all day. What is it?

NILES

It was just...do you still want to go on vacation to Manchester?

DAPHNE

Not really, but to avoid more moaning I think we should.

NILES

Then we'll go, under one condition.

DAPHNE

I've told you Simon won't come near you.

NILES

That's not what I meant. I'll go under the condition that we go away to the Cayman Islands or somewhere afterwards.

DAPHNE

Are you serious?

NILES

When am I not?

DAPHNE

That'll be wonderful.

NILES

So do you want to?

DAPHNE

I do.

NILES

That's just what I wanted to hear.

NILES LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AS DAPHNE PLACES A HAND OVER THE SIDE OF THE COUCH AND ONTO HIS AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH SOUND ASLEEP. SUDDENLY THE ELECTRICITY COMES BACK ON ALONG WITH ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE SINCE THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEM OFF AGAIN WHEN THE POWER WENT OFF. THIS IMMEDIATELY WAKES BOTH OF THEM UP. RATHER GROGGILY THEY GET UP AND TURN AND CLAP OFF THE LIGHTS BEFORE COLLAPSING BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AND ON THE FLOOR RESPECTIVELY.