I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Firstly a big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback about the last one. Secondly I would like to say damn all you jammy buggers that have seen the first three episodes of season nine. But I will not read what happens. I won't. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might begin to believe it.

Please send all feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com and in return I'll send you a lovely unviolated Welsh sheep for you do what you please with.

Marissa, I thought I'd throw a curve ball just for you. You may decide to rethink that whale, broken leg storyline.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Three
It's Now Or Never

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Waitress)

ROZ SITS BY THE COUNTER FACING THE DOOR FOCUSING ALL HER ATTENTION ONTO HER LAPTOP AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER. NILES LOOKS RATHER AGITATED AS DAPHNE TRIES TO CALM HIM DOWN.

DAPHNE

Oh for God's sake will you calm down. If you frown anymore you'll give yourself a stroke. And I haven't got time to look after both you and your father. Especially on the money that I make, you'd have to give me a significant rise first.

NILES SUDDENLY HAS AN EXTREMELY GOOFY GRIN CREEP ACROSS HIS FACE AS HE CHOOSES TO MISINTERPRET DAPHNE'S LAST STATEMENT. HE THEN BEGINS TO LAUGH TO HIMSELF AS DAPHNE SLAPS HIS BACKSIDE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That's not what I meant and you know it.

NILES ONCE AGAIN BECOMES MORE AGITATED AND LOOKS OUT THE DOOR

NILES

But that horny little letch was checking you out.

DAPHNE

Oh he was not.

NILES

I think I know when someone is checking you out. I've spent the last eight years doing it myself. I know what it looks like.

DAPHNE

So do I, in your case it makes you look like an epileptic Bulldog chewing on an extremely angry wasp. It's just a pity that you don't know when you're being checked out.

NILES

What does that mean? Who was checking me out?

DAPHNE

Come in boat number three. He was staring at you, not me.

NILES

Don't be ridiculous.

DAPHNE

Niles he was one step away from picturing your pants caught on the ceiling fan, rolling over and having a cigarette. And I saw myself pulling that face in a mirror way too many times before we got together so I know what that look looks like as well. Hello Roz.

ROZ

Hi guys.

DAPHNE

Do you mind if we join you?

ROZ

Sure go ahead. (RE NILES) What's his problem? Has Martin's spray cheese gone on one of your driving moccasins again? I'm sure I could get it off with a bit of spit and some toilet roll.

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN

DAPHNE

Earl with the wondering eye was just checking him out.

ROZ

Earl? The guy with the fresh fish fetish who holds his breath until he passes out to get people to give him mouth to mouth?

DAPHNE

No that's Harry. Earl's the guy who begs on the street corner. He keeps a hamster in a jewellery box and his false teeth glued to a pogo stick as part of his sideshow. He wear's a wig that makes him look like Cher on crack.

NILES

And once again I'm reminded of what a wonderful city we live in. We have more circus freaks then the Cirque du Soleil.

ROZ

Oh I know Earl. He really checked him out?

DAPHNE

Yeah. You could see the image of Niles covered in baby oil and riding a mechanical bull playing through his eyes as we walked past. (LAUGHING) I don't mind sharing you with him if you're interested honey.

ROZ

That's not a pretty picture.

NILES

Thanks but no thanks. (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) And moving swiftly along. So Roz what are you doing? Breaking into the FBI computer to change your permanent Police record?

ROZ

(SARCASTICALLY) Not today that was last week. I'm writing my memoirs.

NILES

And how's that sentence coming along? If you're lucky you might have enough material to fill an entire pamphlet as long as you have lots of illustrations. But then it is your memoirs. I bet it'll have more illustrations then the Karma Sutra. I bet they're a lot more explicit as well.

DAPHNE

Can you children play nicely just once? Don't make me send you to bed without any ice cream again.

ROZ

Sure we can play nicely when we want to.

NILES

We just don't want to. (THEN) Oh I've thought of something nice to say to you. It's nice to see you using a laptop rather than sitting on some strange man's thrusting laptop.

ROZ

Hey if you don't mind, my friend happens to be a table dancer, she's a wonderful person extremely well educated, attends the opera and goes to all you precious, fancy pants restaurants. So watch who you talk down to. Don't judge a book by its cover.

NILES

How on earth can she afford to do all that?

DAPHNE

You can earn quite a lot of money doing it. My friend Annie used to do it for some extra cash. If the men like you they put a big tip in your g-string.

NILES

I don't doubt it.

ROZ

If you must know I'm surfing the Internet.

NILES

I see you're looking for pornography to satisfy your seedy cravings.

ROZ

Why would I do a thing like that?

NILES

Oh yes I forgot you live by the docks don't you? I suppose you have your fill of alcohol lubricated, horny sailors during the night without looking for them during the day as well.

ROZ

Since Earl found you so attractive maybe you should join me tonight. There are a couple of guys down there who would just love to turn you into a man. Anyway how do you know about porn on the Internet Mr. Prim and Proper? Have you suddenly discovered your inner pimp?

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES WITH THEIR COFFEES

NILES

You can't go on there without accidentally clicking the wrong link and being face to face with someone else's giant...

WAITRESS

Biscotti?

NILES

Yes thankyou.

ROZ

Oh I see penis envy. It's the only thing that Frasier babbles about that interests me in the slightest.

NILES

No that's not it. Daphne can you help me out in this particular area?

DAPHNE

You've dug yourself in this hole, I'm happy to sit on the edge with a bag of popcorn watching and laughing.

NILES

It's a minefield on there. I was typing in the search engine for dentistry and I won't tell you what I got. Needless to say you wouldn't want to clean your teeth with it. What am I saying? You probably would. And what they were suggesting as a mouthwash, it made me blush like a schoolgirl.

DAPHNE

Well what did you expect when you type 'oral' into a search engine? Pictures of kittens and fairies? Or maybe a mongoose on a trampoline? The Police have probably got you on a list of perverts after that incident.

NILES

Oh it was perfectly innocent.

ROZ

Oh yes and I'm sure the judge will believe that you were just looking for a dentist. I don't think that'll hold up in court not without several bottles of Viagra anyway.

NILES

(CONCERNED) Really?

DAPHNE

Oh we're only teasing.

ROZ

I'm not. If you must know I'm talking to someone.

DAPHNE

Who?

ROZ

His names Rick. I met him in a singles chat room.

NILES

Good God could you be anymore desperate?

FRASIER ENTERS AND OVERHEARS THE NEXT COMMENT

ROZ

Not without being Frasier.

FRASIER

Do what without being me?

ROZ

Nothing.

NILES

(TEASING) Oh look what we have here, it's a secret she doesn't want Frasier to know about, advantage Niles. Roz is talking to strange men on the Internet.

FRASIER

Oh for God's sake Roz.

ROZ'S HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE IN NILES' GENERAL DIRECTION CAUSING HIM TO FLINCH SOMEWHAT WILDLY AND BLINK RAPIDLY

NILES

Edward Scissorhands can you please remove your hand? I may want to use that again in the foreseeable future. And it'll be a lot easier if the blood circulation is not completely cut off.

ROZ LETS GO AND NILES SIGHS

ROZ

Quit complaining you can always have it kissed better.

NILES GRINS AT DAPHNE AS SHE PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER

DAPHNE

Not now we're in the middle of Nervosa. And I don't particularly want another ball cock wedged up my back in that toilet cubicle. I still have that bruise and the lingering odour of disinfectant in my hair.

FRASIER

You know there wasn't one part of that sentence that I wanted to hear.

ROZ

That makes two of us.

FRASIER

And changing the subject. Are you that desperate to meet a man?

ROZ

I'm not the one who was so desperate for a date they hit on that guy who was a transvestite at Meg's leaving party at the station last week. Now let me try and remember who that was. Oh yes that's right, it was you.

FRASIER

How was I to know she was a man?

NILES

The fact that she had an Adam's apple the size of a genetically engineered watermelon should have tipped you off.

DAPHNE

Not to mention the shoulders of a marine.

NILES

And a thick moustache.

FRASIER

So that doesn't mean anything. Nanna on Dad's side had a moustache like Clark Gable.

NILES

Yes and she was also ninety years old and on steroids. So I think you've lost that argument.

ROZ

It should have got you thinking twice when she picked up a crate of beer with one hand.

FRASIER

What can I say? I just don't notice the subtle things about human behaviour like everyone else does.

DAPHNE

Remind me again what you do for a living.

FRASIER

So I was off the mark with Connie. At least I'm not asking out people I've never laid eyes on before.

ROZ

I'll have you know this guy is actually quite nice.

FRASIER

For all you know he could be a two foot poison dwarf with a bad case of halitosis and haemorrhoids wanting to grind you up to make rheumatism oil.

NILES

Or he could be some young boy wanting to find himself a dried-up desperate older woman to have a quick bunk up with so he can boast to all his chums on the bus on his way to school.

DAPHNE

(OPTIMISTICALLY) Or he could be Prince Charming.

ROZ

Thankyou Daphne.

DAPHNE

(MENACINGLY) Until he suddenly goes berserk, picks up a hatchet and starts to skin a dozen pigeons for you to sow together and wear as your wedding gown. And I'm not making that up either it actually happened. I thought she looked quite fetching even though it was covered in the odd feather and patch of blood. She had the beaks all around the edge of the veil like corks on those hats Australians wear.

ROZ AND FRASIER JUST STARE IN DISBELIEF AT DAPHNE WHILE NILES SMILES AT HER. FRASIER SUDDENLY BREAKS THE SILENCE

FRASIER

Come on Roz. Surely you wouldn't even consider meeting one of these men. They could be lying threw their back teeth to you. Sure they say that they're a brain surgeon with three Labrador dogs and a mother that he calls everyday, but in reality they could be the whipping boy at the local state penitentiary and dragged around the shower room by his hair on a daily basis.

ROZ

Or he could be telling the truth. Where is your sense of love and romance?

FRASIER

In Florence where Diane ripped my heart out, added handles and a strap to use it as her new purse. It's just so impersonal, how could you even consider meeting someone without knowing what his personal hygiene is like first?

ROZ

Are you quite finished making fun of me?

FRASIER

(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Not yet give me another ten minutes.

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO BE THE BUTT OF ALL JOKES WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'MY GUESS WOULD BE THE DECEASED IS THE GUY WHO HAD A RAT POISON ADDITION'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Kevin (VO), Keith (VO))

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER POURS THEM BOTH A SHERRY. NILES ONCE AGAIN LOOKS VERY GLUM AND KEEPS RUBBING HIS NECK.

FRASIER

All right what happened this time? You look more miserable then you've done for a long time and there's still no ring on Daphne's finger. What dead animal got in your way this time?

NILES

I was about to propose but I got my tie caught in the garbage disposal. It was caught too far down to just slip out of without choking to death so I was stuck there until we could get the building handyman up there to take it apart and rescue me. The fact that he was drunk at the time and singing an Elvis medley in German extremely badly didn't make the experience any better. And German is hardly the most romantic language in the world so once again that pretty much ruined the mood. I say ruined, it was more like killed, a stake rammed through the heart.

FRASIER

Do you ever think that maybe you're bringing on all of these accidents and interruptions on yourself?

NILES

Oh yes I asked Daphne to break my finger, I tried to commit suicide by strangling myself on the garbage disposal and I asked for you to invade our weekend at the cottage. I plotted it all, it's all part of my master plan to buy her a ring and never give it to her.

FRASIER

Well once you were free from the garbage disposal, why didn't you do it then? You were alone, you had the use of your neck back again, and there were no Nazi Elvis impersonators so why didn't you do it?

NILES

It just didn't seem right somehow. I was still mourning the loss of a Hugo Boss tie. And nursing my stomach from Daphne's Shepard's pie. I can't believe she picked that meat up from the market. It tasted more like some sort of organ donation from the hospital. But I mean that in the best possible way.

FRASIER

Or maybe everything was right and you lost your nerve. You've had ample opportunities and yet you never seem to take them. She's in her room getting ready right now, why don't you go and do it? Then you can really make a night of it. Or is there a chance that you'll accidentally knock yourself out on the piano on the way?

NILES

I'm just not sure that's appropriate right now.

FRASIER

I think it's time you face what you're really afraid of. Besides small insects and people who have attended a community college and don't know how to use a napkin.

NILES

What's that? Spreading my legs and letting a drunken handyman crawl through them rendering an extremely large wrench that went a little too close for comfort? I tell you he made my eyes water. I'm expecting nightmares and several years of therapy over that one.

FRASIER

Well it's certainly frightened me. I'm talking about being rejected by Daphne.

NILES

(SOMEWHAT SHOCKED) You think she'll say no? Should I have brought a bottle of sedatives with me?

FRASIER

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'll say yes, but with everything that you've been through with Maris, all of those experiences, it must have left a tiny doubt in your mind. And while that doubts there you're always going to be looking for a way to back out so you don't have to face the potential of more upset.

NILES SERIOUSLY STARTS TO CONSIDER THIS AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Do you guys mind if I have my show on?

FRASIER

Just think about it all right Niles. No Dad go right ahead.

MARTIN TURNS ON THE RADIO AND THEN SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR

KEVIN (VO)

Hello there and welcome to another round of 'Spell Your Disease'. I'm Kevin Mousetrap and we have another fun filled show for you today. But before we begin I'd like to hold my hands up and admit that I'm a recovering necrophilliac.

SFX: A ROUND OF APPLAUSE IS HEARD THROUGH THE RADIO

NILES

Dad what is this? It sounds a bit of a bizarre concept.

MARTIN

It's called 'Spell Your Disease'. They get people off the street with some sort of disease and see if they can spell it on the air. Then you have to try to guess what it is before they finish spelling it.

FRASIER

Once again I feel there's no need to worry about the ratings on my show when I have to compete with this and "Mary's Dog Tick Hour" on KPYW.

MARTIN

Well believe me your ratings would go through the roof if you had a guy on there trying to spell gonorrhoea. The fun part is trying to get them to admit on air what's wrong with them. Especially when it's something really embarrassing.

NILES

I suppose you couldn't have a narcoleptic on there. They'd have fallen asleep before they'd finished spelling it.

MARTIN

The one guy they had on waited so long for his turn that by the time it came around he was already dead. But fortunately one of the paramedic's that turned up had a case of syphilis so all was not lost. It made it even funnier the fact that he had a lisp.

MARTIN LAUGHS AS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AT HIM IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT BEFORE NILES BREAKS THE SILENCE

NILES

Well 'dead' is relatively easy word to spell.

FRASIER

Except when you are actually dead Niles. I'd imagine then that it's rather tricky to get your tongue around that one syllable.

KEVIN (VO)

OK Keith go ahead.

KEITH (VO)

My disease is spelt h..y..s..l..d..n..a..s..u..m.

FRASIER

What the hell is that supposed to be?

NILES

It's obviously so rare it doesn't make it into the everyday medical dictionary. I bet he caught it backpacking through the jungle. Food can turn very easily in that kind of intense heat.

MARTIN

Tell me about it, I'll never forget about that potato salad your Mom left in the trunk of the car that one summer.

NILES

And thanks to your colourful storytelling and rhyming limericks every Thanksgiving we'll never forget about it either.

MARTIN

Admittedly yes it did have several tufts of hair growth but it smelt all right. How was I to know it had gone bad?

NILES

If only God had sent you some sort of a sign.

FRASIER

I know he's been stranded at sea for years, with an infestation of rats. We all know how non-deadly their diseases can be. The fact that I still encourage Lilith to work with them is a completely unrelated matter.

MARTIN

Fifty bucks says he's dyslexic.

KEITH (VO)

I'm dyslexic.

MARTIN

Learn from the master boys.

NILES

That's a nice offer Dad but I think I'll pass. Frasier, I have to ask what's with the grin plastered on your face recently.

NILES SHEPHERDS FRASIER TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND OUT OF EAR SHOT OF MARTIN

FRASIER

What grin? I just have wind that's all.

NILES

You constantly look like your smirking at someone who's wearing white after Labour Day. You've been like it for weeks. Am I to detect that you've actually been lucky recently? I thought I saw a flying pig this morning but I thought I was hallucinating again.

FRASIER

Not exactly but I have been...

NILES

This isn't going to have anything to do with your extremely expensive cable bill this month is it? Because you know you'll go blind.

FRASIER

No it's not, now would you mind vacating the gutter?

NILES

Not at all. The gutter is now vacated. So what's going on?

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) All right I have met a woman. The most perfect woman to ever grace the planet. She's absolutely breathtaking. I haven't felt this way for... I've never felt this way. To be perfectly honest I am hopelessly and completely besotted with her.

NILES

Why you little sneak I didn't even know you were dating anyone. This is fantastic, obviously once I've gotten over my initial horror that hell has actually frozen over. So what's her name?

FRASIER

Sunshine.

NILES

Sunshine? Obviously a child of the sixties flower power movement. What's her brother called? Storm cloud? So what does she look like?

FRASIER

I have absolutely no idea.

NILES

(SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) You know when you go out on blind dates you don't actually have to make yourself blind. It's not the golden rule. You are allowed to see who you're talking to. Plus if you came to sleep with her things may get a little awkward, especially as it's been so long for you. I'd be surprised if you could remember what to do with a woman with the added bonus of vision. Without you're just asking for trouble and an injury.

FRASIER

I don't know what she looks like because I met her over the Internet, in one of those chat rooms Roz was talking about. I wandered in there a couple of weeks ago and I've spoken to her every night since.

NILES

You've what? Have you been mixing medications with a bottle of bleach again? I've told you, that'll send you blind as well.

FRASIER

No I haven't.

MARTIN

What are you two whispering about?

FRASIER

Nothing.

FRASIER GESTURES TO NILES IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING

NILES

Frasier's having cyber-sex with a strange woman.

FRASIER

Thankyou Niles. I'll remember this when you want a kidney. I am merely talking to a woman not having sex with her.

MARTIN

So how's this different from what you normally do?

NILES

After all the fun you made of Roz, you do the same thing? Don't you think you're being a bit of a hypocrite? And even worse seeping down to her street urchin level?

FRASIER

I'll admit I was wrong about it. It's actually a lot of fun and this woman is so lovely. And since I have very little joy with face-to-face dates, this is a real boost to my confidence.

MARTIN

Isn't it a bit weird though?

FRASIER

It's no weirder then answering a personal ad or going on a blind date. And no one batters an eye at that.

MARTIN STARES AT FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What it's just talking. It's not as if any lubricants are involved.

NILES

My God you sound like a giggly schoolboy. I can't wait to tell Roz about this. She'll drag you out into the town centre and give you a good flogging.

FRASIER

If you tell Roz, it'll be the last thing you ever do. Probably because I'll remove your tongue and keep it in a mason jar on the credenza. If you're lucky I may even pickle it first. What I said to her will be nothing compared to what she'll throw back at me. She'll make fun of me for the rest of my life and I can do without that. No telling Daphne either, she might tell Roz.

SFX: LOTS OF SCREAMING AND SHOUTING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE RADIO

NILES

OK fine. But only because I've become rather attached to my tongue.

MARTIN

Hey can you two help me with this one? He hasn't spelt anything yet, he just keeps screaming and yelling obscenities.

FRASIER

That'll be Tourette's syndrome.

SFX: THUD FROM THE RADIO

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What on earth was that?

NILES

The obvious answer would be a lumberjack cutting down a tree. The sign of all top quality radio shows.

MARTIN

There's a doctor on standby to mace and sedate people who get a little out of control. They had to stop using the cattle prod because people kept complaining that it was inhumane. If you ask me it's taken a lot of the entertainment value away. They just pass out now, with not even the smallest of twitches.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

NILES

And there she is. Are you all ready because you look absolutely stunning?

DAPHNE

I certainly am. What have you been up to out here? More beefy male bonding? Discussing Monster Truck Rally's? Or comparing all the wild animals that you've strangled with your bare hands?

NILES

Frasier's having cyber-sex with a strange woman.

FRASIER GLARES AT NILES WITH A LOOK THAT COULD KILL

NILES (CONT'D)

What? Well she was practically interrogating me. I cracked under the pressure. I can't take it when she yells. And you're forgetting that she is psychic, she would have guessed anyway.

AS NILES AND DAPHNE RUN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR BEFORE FRASIER CAN THROW ANY THING AT HIM WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Eddie)

FRASIER ENTERS HIS ROOM CARRYING A MUFFIN ON A PLATE WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING, HIS EYES NOT LEAVING THE MUFFIN. FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND SITS DOWN AT HIS COMPUTER. EDDIE SITS NEXT TO HIM STILL STARING AT THE MUFFIN

FRASIER

Eddie go away. You're not having any. You stand more chance of having more children then you do of getting any of this muffin. And since you are now technically female I wouldn't keep my hopes up. (THEN) Do I try to steal your dog food? It's not my fault you're not picky and actually enjoy eating animal by products. Oh all right fine. Get ready to chase it. Are you ready? (PAUSE) Why am I waiting for an answer? (PAUSE) Why am I waiting for an answer from that? (SIGHS) It's been a long day. You know what I'm just going to throw it.

FRASIER GOES TO THROW THE MUFFIN BUT DOESN'T LET GO. EDDIE RUNS IN THE DIRECTION THAT IT SHOULD HAVE LANDED AND SNIFFS AROUND FOR IT. FRASIER MEANWHILE TURNS HIS CHAIR AROUND TAKES A BITE FROM THE MUFFIN AND TURNS HIS COMPUTER ON. ONCE EDDIE FINALLY REALISES THAT THE MUFFIN IS NOT ON THE FLOOR, HE TROTS BACK OVER TO FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

That took less time then I thought. If you do that with Dad and a beer can he's normally gone for half an hour. At least you can't club me with a cane.

EDDIE BARKS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) It's not my fault God didn't bestow on you a pair of opposable thumbs. Oh all right, I'll throw it this time. (SOTTO TO HIMSELF) In your dreams. I know let's do this out in the hall where you've got further to run.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE HALL WITH THE MUFFIN WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS IN THE HALL AND EDDIE SITS AT HIS FEET. HE THEN LIFTS THE MUFFIN AND PRETENDS TO THROW IT A FEW TIMES, WHICH DOESN'T FOOL EDDIE. HE THEN BRINGS THE MUFFIN BACK TO ARMS LENGTH TO ONCE AGAIN PRETEND TO THROW IT. AS HE THROWS HIS ARM FORWARD EDDIE RUNS DOWN THE HALL READY TO CATCH IT. UNFORTUNATELY FOR FRASIER HE LOOSES GRIP OF THE MUFFIN AND REALLY DOES THROW IT. HE THEN CHASES DOWN THE HALL AFTER IT, BUT EDDIE GRABS IT FIRST AND RUNS OFF AROUND THE CORNER WITH IT IN HIS MOUTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Damn you, you little rat. Drop that you little fur covered colon before I drop you with a deer rifle.

MARTIN CALLS FROM INSIDE HIS BEDROOM

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) It'll serve you right for teasing him.

FRASIER

Shouldn't you be asleep?

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) I'm sorry I didn't know I had to drift off immediately after I'd slopped out and the warden had shut the lights out instead of looking at my girlie books. You aren't going to put me in the hole are you?

FRASIER

How about a retirement home?

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) I heard that.

FRASIER

It's funny how you can hear that but you can't hear me when I stand two feet away from you and ask you to put a coaster under your beer.

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh how strange it's all gone quiet again.

FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN AT HIS COMPUTER AND GOES ON LINE

FRASIER

Are you about again tonight Sunshine? I could do with a nice talk with you, either that or a bottle of Prozac. Ah there you are.

(TYPES) Good evening. And how are you today? Good I hope.

THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO TWO WITH: INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS — ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AND INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS — ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE

ROZ SITS AS FRASIER DOES IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER SCREEN

ROZ

Oh good you're on line.

(TYPES) I'm feeling just fine thankyou Stephano. How are you?

Have you been up to anything today? What did you think of Bush's speech? Do you watch 'The West Wing'? Will you have my children, let me die in your arms? That was maybe just a little too much.

FRASIER

Where to begin?

(TYPES) Other then another battle with my father I'm fine.

Should I add that I don't have to bathe him? The mental image may put her off me.

ROZ

Oh no, he has to wash him. I don't want those hands running over me after he's just washed his fathers...

(TYPES) Do you live with your father?

Please tell me you don't wash him.

FRASIER

(TYPES) I do. I took him in a few years ago.

That shows I'm caring, you don't need to know I was guilted into it and had no choice. If I get onto the subject of Niles I'll be here all night.

ROZ

(TYPES) You know my friend lives with his father. They drive each other mad.

See I can relate to that.

FRASIER

(TYPES) Well I can empathize.

Oh boy can I.

(TYPES) I know what I've been meaning to ask you. Where do you live?

ROZ

Uh-oh.

(TYPES) Do you mean the address?

Oh my God please say no.

FRASIER

I'm not going to stalk you.

(TYPES) I meant which city.

I'm not Roz. I'm not going to sit outside your apartment with a pair of binoculars and a cheese sandwich.

ROZ

Thank God.

(TYPES) Seattle. The Emerald City.

FRASIER

Really?

(TYPES) That's where I live.

I may actually be able to meet this angel.

ROZ

(TYPES) You're kidding.

Oh my God!

FRASIER

(TYPES) No, I was born and raised here.

I'm home right now. That's obvious I'm on my computer. Thank God I didn't type that.

ROZ

(TYPES) I bet we've already walked past each other in the street.

FRASIER

(TYPES) Maybe. Maybe we could do it again?

Oh no did I just type that? Make a small mental note always think before you engage your fingers.

ROZ

(TYPES) Maybe.

Oh dear God he wants to meet me. Why didn't I say I was from Salt Lake City? No one pretends to be from Salt Lake City. Except maybe people from Wichita.

FRASIER

Now I've frightened her.

(TYPES) I mean we don't have to.

Could I sound anymore insecure? Why don't I just tell her I haven't had sex for so long I've forgotten how? Then she'll think I want her to cure me. It'll be like Tony Curtis in 'Some Like It Hot'. I sound like Bulldog.

ROZ

(TYPES) OK sure.

What am I doing? I'll end up packed into a lunchbox. Or I could marry him. I'd hate to be an extremist.

FRASIER

(TYPES) Where?

Is this really happening? I knew I shouldn't have had that extra sherry. The whole muffin incident has fried my mind.

ROZ

(TYPES) How about the top of the Space Needle? That'll be romantic.

You wouldn't dare kill me in front of so many witnesses. Unless you intend to take out everyone else as well up there. How quickly a person can change from potential husband to decapitated bunny loving freak.

FRASIER

(TYPES) That's sounds fine. It'll be like 'An Affair to Remember'.

Maybe that was too much.

ROZ

(TYPES) As long as I don't get hit by a car on the way. How will I recognise you?

You'll be the only person in straightjacket escorted by a warden.

FRASIER

(TYPES) I'll be looking helpless with a copy of the Seattle times in my hand.

ROZ

As long as there isn't a dead squirrel in the other that's fine.

(TYPES) OK. How about Saturday at six o'clock?

FRASIER

(TYPES) Fine.

ROZ

(TYPES) Well I'm sorry but I've got to go now.

Does this sound too blunt? Since you just asked me to meet you and now I'm running away.

FRASIER

And I've asked her to meet me and now she's running away. Could I have scared her anymore? Not without suggesting bringing some sort of lubricant.

(TYPES) OK bye.

I have to call Niles.

ROZ

(TYPES) Bye.

THE SCREEN SPLIT ENDS

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ FUMBLES AROUND HER ROOM LOOKING FOR THE PHONE. WHEN SHE EVENTUALLY FINDS IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED SHE DIALS

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh my God. I need someone to go with me. (ON PHONE) Hello Frasier.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz. It's awfully late isn't it? Has another one of your dates locked you in his apartment again? Just give me the address and tell me where the handcuff keys are I'll be right around.

ROZ

(THROUGH THE PHONE) No, I'm at home actually. Alone except for Alice of course. I didn't wake you did I?

FRASIER

Erm...actually yes. (FAKE YAWNS) Some people like to sleep at this hour.

RESET TO:

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ

And some people like to be at strip clubs, but what the hell you're boring. I'm sorry. I just wanted to ask you something. I've just done something really stupid and I need your help even though you'll wag your finger disapprovingly at me. What are you doing Saturday evening?

FRASIER

(THROUGH THE PHONE) I'm going out with...(SHOUTS) Niles. A boy's night out.

ROZ

Oh OK. I just... never mind I'll ask Daphne.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Where to?

ROZ

(THROUGH THE PHONE) Just to the movies.

FRASIER

It's nearly two in the morning and you phoned me to see if I wanted to help you with a stupid thing, which is going to the movies at the weekend? Have you been drinking?

ROZ

(THROUGH THE PHONE) No. I forgot Alice has more of a social life then you do and she spends half her life with her finger up her nose. I'm sorry. You need as much beauty sleep as you can get. Goodnight Frasier.

FRASIER

Goodnight Roz.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND CARRIES IT TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (SORRY HAD TO DO IT)'

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz)

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN BED. THE ROOM IS ONLY LIT BY THE MOON SHINNING THROUGH THE WINDOW

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

THE NOISE STARTLES NILES WHO IMMEDIATELY SITS UP BUT DAPHNE DOESN'T MOVE A MUSCLE

NILES

What the hell is that? Quick call the Police.

DAPHNE

It's your cell phone you silly sod, not some alien ship trying to beam you up. I doubt William Shatner would have either the time or energy to do it.

NILES

I didn't order a wake up call did I?

DAPHNE

Since we're at your place, I'm going to have to say no.

NILES

What time is it?

DAPHNE

Time for you to answer you phone so I can get some sleep.

NILES CRAWLS TO THE END OF THE BED AND LOOKS OVER THE EDGE

NILES

I'd do that but where exactly did you throw my trousers?

DAPHNE

Strangely enough thinking about where they were going to land wasn't in the forefront of my mind when I was pulling them off you.

NILES

And for that I'm extremely grateful.

DAPHNE

Just follow the noise. You don't have to be a narcotics sniffer dog to do this you know.

NILES GRABS A DARK SHAPE AT THE FOOT OF THE BED

NILES

I've got it.

DAPHNE

That's my foot. The key to telling the difference is that phones don't have toes. It'll be on the floor not on the end of the bed.

NILES CONTINUES TO CRAWL UNTIL HE RUNS OUT OF MATTRESS AND FALLS OFF THE END OF THE BED AND ENDS UP IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

You're a danger to yourself when you've just woken up. I should start to wrap you in cotton wool before you go to sleep.

NILES

OK now I've got it.

DAPHNE LIFTS HER HEAD TO SEE

DAPHNE

Niles that's my shoe before you put the heel in your ear. Here let me look.

DAPHNE CRAWLS TO THE END OF THE BED TO CONTINUE THE HUNT

NILES

What is this?

DAPHNE

That's my bra. Unless you've turned into J Edgar Hoover and not told me.

NILES

Not to my knowledge I haven't. Although I briefly wore a bra during my fraternity days. I passed at the slip though.

DAPHNE

I've got it.

NILES

How do you know that's not another shoe?

DAPHNE

Because this one is ringing, vibrating and flashing at me.

DAPHNE PASSES NILES THE PHONE AND THEY BOTH CRAWL BACK INTO BED

NILES

You should be a detective. Hello?

RESET TO:

SPLIT SCREEN WITH: INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE RIGHT AND

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE LEFT

FRASIER SITS ON HIS BED TALKING ON THE PHONE

FRASIER

Oh good Niles you're awake.

NILES

Yes I'm normally awake and alert at two-thirty in the morning. It's the best part of the day. All the good infomercials are on. I don't have enough spoons that will cut through a solid steel block like a hot knife going through butter. Why are you ringing my cell phone?

FRASIER

I thought the house phone might wake Daphne up.

SFX: DAPHNE'S CELL PHONE

NILES

It's a little too late for that. Hold on a second Frasier. (COVERING UP THE MOUTHPIECE) What's that? My room doesn't normally have a delayed echo.

DAPHNE

It's my phone you dope. You should come with a health warning, 'not to operate heavy machinery after only a few hours sleep'.

NILES

I wouldn't call a phone heavy machinery.

DAPHNE SWITCHES ON THE BED SIDE LAMP AND TAKES HER PHONE OUT OF HER PURSE WHICH IS BY THE SIDE OF THE BED AND SITS UP

DAPHNE

When you're this drowsy it is. (ON PHONE) Hello?

RESET TO:

SPLIT SCREEN WITH: INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE RIGHT, INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS IN THE CENTRE AND INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE LEFT

EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH THE ADDITION OF ROZ SITTING ON HER BED WITH HER HEAD RESTING ON THE PHONE

ROZ

Oh good Daphne you're awake.

DAPHNE

My phone ringing in the middle of the night usually has that effect.

ROZ

I didn't wake up Niles did I?

DAPHNE

No he's already awake, he was just...

ROZ

I don't need to know anymore. You two have warped my mind enough thank you very much.

NILES

What is it I can do for you Frasier?

DAPHNE

Roz what did you call me for?

ROZ/FRASIER

That guy/woman I've been talking to on the Internet, well he/she wants to meet me.

NILES

How did that happen?

DAPHNE

It was his suggestion?

ROZ/FRASIER

We pretty much said it at the same time.

NILES

Where?

DAPHNE

Where are you going to meet him?

ROZ/FRASIER

At the top of the Space Needle.

DAPHNE/NILES

(SHOCKED) At the top of the Space Needle?

DAPHNE AND NILES THEN TURN TO EACH OTHER AS THEIR MOUTHS DROP OPEN AND THEY REALISE WHAT IS GOING ON. THEY THEN REALLY TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER AND SWITCH PHONES FOR A MOMENT AND LISTEN IN

ROZ

Yes I'll feel more comfortable because there will be a lot of people there in case he's some sort of loon.

FRASIER

She wanted to meet there because it would be romantic. Deep down I think it's because she's scared I'll kill her.

THEY SWITCH PHONES AGAIN BOTH STILL GOB SMACKED

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) Oh my God!

NILES

(WHISPERS TO DAPHNE) We've woken up into some sort of Twilight Zone. Dad will walk in, in a moment with an extra eye on his forehead and Eddie will look like an inflatable cow.

ROZ

I know it's only been a few weeks but we really clicked. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

FRASIER

This situation is no stranger then answering a personal ad. In fact this is better because we've been speaking for so long. I take it I don't have your approval.

DAPHNE

That's not up for me to say.

NILES

I'll support you what ever you decide to do you know that.

DAPHNE

Just know Roz that I'm here for you.

ROZ

Good so you'll come with me?

FRASIER

Will you come with me to meet her?

DAPHNE

What?

NILES

Why?

ROZ

I don't want to go alone what if he skins me alive?

FRASIER

Well she could be some sort of obsessed stalker. I don't want to go alone.

DAPHNE

Oh all right fine, why should one of us get skinned alived when we can both suffer that painful fate.

NILES

Sure Frasier, I don't get stalked nearly enough.

ROZ

Thankyou so much Daphne.

FRASIER

Wonderful. Oh one more thing.

ROZ

Before you go.

DAPHNE/NILES

What?

ROZ/FRASIER

Don't tell Niles/Daphne.

DAPHNE

Fine I won't tell Niles.

NILES

Daphne will never know.

NILES AND DAPHNE TURN TO EACH OTHER AND SMILE

FRASIER

OK thanks goodnight.

ROZ

Goodnight Daphne.

NILES

Goodnight.

DAPHNE

Night Roz.

THEY ALL HANG UP THEIR PHONES AS THE SCREEN SPLIT ENDS

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh my God. Do you think we should tell them?

NILES

No.

DAPHNE

Why not?

NILES

Because it'll be so much more fun this way. Do you have any idea what their faces are going to look like when they realise? And lucky us, we have front row seats. I'll bring the popcorn, you bring the camera.

DAPHNE

You're evil.

NILES RAISES ONE EYEBROW AND TRIES TO LOOK MYSTERIOUS

NILES

I told you I have a dark side.

DAPHNE

Yes I know Darth, but only you see it when you hyperventilate and pass out. You see the dark side seconds before your head hits the floor.

DAPHNE TURNS OFF THE LAMP AND LIES BACK DOWN AS NILES REMAINS SITTING

NILES

Suddenly I'm feeling quite alert you know.

DAPHNE

Are you now? That's nice.

NILES

What to do, to occupy me?

DAPHNE

I have an idea...

NILES LEANS IN TO KISS HER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

...go and finish the washing up.

NILES SITS BACK UP

NILES

I'm not that alert. Where were we before the phone rang?

DAPHNE

Sleeping. You always have the best ideas.

NILES

(HOPEFUL) I hit my elbow as I fell out of bed.

DAPHNE SITS BACK UP AND LOOKS AT HIM

DAPHNE

My God non-stop sexual pestering. Don't you ever want to sit at home with a box of Milk Duds and pick your feet?

NILES

Surprising no.

DAPHNE

And for that I'm grateful.

SHE GOES TO KISS HIM BUT STOPS SUDDENLY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I'm sorry I have to do this.

DAPHNE THEN FLATTENS HIS HAIR DOWN AS IT WAS STICKING UP WILDLY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

That's better.

AS SHE KISSES HIM WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK

NILES

Guess what I've got in my hand.

MARTIN

Isn't this a game you should play in private? I heard about that ball cock incident. I'll never sit on a toilet in the same way again.

DAPHNE

That makes two of us. I don't know, a French candlesnuffer?

MARTIN

This is a conversation for private.

NILES

Plane tickets.

HE PRODUCES THE TICKETS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK

DAPHNE

They came?

NILES

They did. I picked them up this morning.

THEY HUG AS A BIG SMILES CREEPS ACROSS MARTIN'S FACE

MARTIN

This is great.

NILES

Thanks Dad we're pretty excited too.

MARTIN

I meant Nurse Ratched isn't going to be here to torture me.

DAPHNE

Which means I'll have to get it all out of my system before we go, to keep me going through the weeks of abstinence. And when I get back I'll have to work out all my built up frustration on your hip.

MARTIN

Are you sure you never used to work for Hitler?

DAPHNE

Damn, my secret is out.

MARTIN

So where are you going?

NILES

To Manchester for a week.

DAPHNE

And then to the Seychelles for two so we can recover from the week in Manchester.

MARTIN

Well good luck Niles because you're sure as hell going to need it. I wouldn't be surprised if Daphne's parents have voodoo dolls made of you.

DAPHNE

Not any more they don't. I made them throw them out.

NILES

At least that explains those sudden arm spasm's I kept having. (LOOKING AROUND) Is she here yet?

DAPHNE

No, not yet. He's been walking around with such a ridiculous grin on his face all day. It's going to be such a shock when he finds out. Should we steal a defibrillator to take with us? I really want to tell him.

NILES

You can't do that, we agreed.

DAPHNE

No you agreed and then bribed me with sex.

NILES

So you get me on a technicality. I didn't hear you complaining.

DAPHNE

I didn't say I minded, I was just making a point.

MARTIN

What are you two talking about?

NILES

I can't really say Dad.

MARTIN

Oh come on, I won't tell anyone. If I can keep it secret about where all the drug money is hidden I can keep this a secret as well.

DAPHNE

All right old man but keep your lips sealed. You know how Dr. Crane has been going on for weeks about this woman he speaks to on the Internet?

MARTIN

The one he's got a thing for?

NILES

That's the one.

DAPHNE

Well the woman, it's Roz.

MARTIN

You're kidding? Do they know?

NILES

No neither of them know. They've agreed to meet each other tonight at the top of the Space Needle and they've each asked us along as their backup.

MARTIN

Oh my God Frasier and Roz?

DAPHNE

It's not such a ridiculous idea.

MARTIN

I guess you're right. It's not so ridiculous when you consider that you two are dating.

NILES

What does that mean?

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED EXTREMELY SMARTLY

FRASIER

Oh good Niles you're here. Are you ready for our... (THINKS) boy's night out?

NILES

I am.

MARTIN

So where are you two going?

FRASIER

Erm...just to a restaurant to meet a few people.

MARTIN

Oh anyone we might know?

NILES AND DAPHNE BITE THEIR LIPS TO STOP THEMSELVES FROM LAUGHING

FRASIER

I don't think so.

MARTIN

You don't sound very sure.

FRASIER

Well we might run into someone unexpected. It is a busy place. You never know who you might meet there.

ALL THREE NOW STRUGGLE TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER AS DAPHNE STRAIGHTENS NILES' TIE

DAPHNE

You got that right. Well both of you have a nice time and don't do anything I'm not going to do.

THEY ALL TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER YET AGAIN AS FRASIER LOOKS ODDLY AT ALL THREE OF THEM BEFORE BECKONING NILES INTO THE KITCHEN.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AS FRASIER BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN

FRASIER

So I take it you didn't propose last night.

NILES

No, she got locked in the bathroom.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

NILES

The door handle came off. I had to pass her dinner to her through the keyhole. In the end I put it all in a blender with a bit of water and shoved a straw through there.

FRASIER

Oh dear. I imagine it's very hard to consummate a relationship that way as well. And you'd struggle to explain it in the emergency room.

NILES

Now I did not bring this one on myself. I did call the German Elvis but I had to, to free her. To be honest though I was a little relieved though when that door wouldn't open because even though I hate to admit it I am petrified that she'll say no.

FRASIER

At least you know what the problem is. Now you just have to work through it. But tonight is not about you it's about me. We'll start your therapy tomorrow. How do I look? Handsome?

NILES

Why yes you do Frasier. I have the uncontrollable urge to wrap my arms around your neck and hug you.

FRASIER

Get off me. I'm already nervous I don't need you adding to it. The realisation is beginning to hit that this woman could be absolutely anyone. It could be the strange woman who gives me extra grocery bags at the checkout.

NILES

Yes you might have seen her everyday of your life for all you know Frasier.

FRASIER

What after all this build up, we don't get along face to face?

NILES

Oh I wouldn't worry about that.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

How do you know that?

NILES

You'll get on like a house on fire. Trust me, I'm a bit psychic.

FRASIER

You spend too much time with Daphne.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN ANSWERING THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS ALSO EXTREMELY WELL DRESSED

ROZ

Hi everyone. Daphne are you ready?

DAPHNE

As I'll ever be.

MARTIN

You're all dolled up nice tonight Roz. Meeting anyone special?

ROZ

(DEFENSIVELY) No.

DAPHNE

(SOTTO) You got that right.

ROZ

Pardon.

DAPHNE

I said it'll be a lovely night.

ROZ

Why would you think that Martin?

MARTIN

(LAUGHING) No reason.

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES. FRASIER AND ROZ FROM NOW ON BOTH SPEAK EXTREMELY DEFENSIVELY AND CAUTIOUSLY, WORRIED THAT EACH OTHER KNOW THEY ARE ABOUT TO MEET A TOTAL STRANGER

FRASIER

Oh hello Roz, what are you doing here?

ROZ

I'm going to the movies with Daphne. What are you doing here?

FRASIER

I live here.

ROZ

I thought you two were going on a boy's night out.

FRASIER

And we are aren't we Niles?

NILES

That's right. Just us boys. No one else.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) Don't let her find out what I'm doing.

ROZ

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Don't let it slip at this late stage.

FRASIER

What movie are you going to see?

ROZ

One that's playing.

FRASIER

Which one?

ROZ

I don't recall the name. Which restaurant are you two going to?

FRASIER

A local one.

ROZ

Which one?

FRASIER

Not one you'd have heard of.

DAPHNE

(SOTTO TO ROZ) What are you interrogating him for?

ROZ

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) I want to make sure he doesn't see where we're going.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) There are no movie theatres by the Space Needle are there?

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) I don't believe so Frasier.

MARTIN

Since all four of you are going out, why don't you all take the same car? Think of the environment.

FRASIER

Oh I don't know about that.

ROZ

We're going to different places.

MARTIN

Are you really?

NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER

ROZ

That's right, Frasier didn't want to go, he had plans.

MARTIN

Why don't you all meet up later then?

ROZ AND FRASIER BOTH SHOOT MARTIN DEATH STARES

DAPHNE

I suppose we could do that.

NILES

I don't see why not.

FRASIER

(TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) Yes well we'll see you later then.

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL EXIT

MARTIN

Sooner then you think.

AS MARTIN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT?'

FADE IN:

EXT. OBSERVATION DECK OF THE SPACE NEEDLE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Man, Tourists)

ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND TO THE RIGHT OF THE OBSERVATION DECK NEXT TO A MAN WHO SITS ON A BENCH, TO THE LEFT FRASIER AND NILES STAND LOOKING AT THE SEA OF FACES UP THERE OF ALL THE TOURISTS. NONE OF THE IMMEDIATELY SEE EACH OTHER

DAPHNE

I hope you don't have any expectations of meeting Cary Grant up here. I have a feeling you may be a little disappointed.

ROZ

He's such a nice guy. I don't really care what he looks like. And Cary Grant's been dead for years. If I see him up here someone's been slipping hallucinogenic's into my drinks again. Saying that though I still wouldn't kick him out of my cave.

DAPHNE

That makes two of us. Unless Niles insisted.

ROZ

But honestly I really don't care what he looks like, with the exception of having a thing on his face. I do have certain standards.

DAPHNE

That's good to hear.

NILES SPOTS ROZ AND DAPHNE DOWN THE OTHER END AND BEGINS TO LAUGH

FRASIER

What are you laughing at? Anyone would think you were sitting on a feather.

NILES

This is such a fairy tale. And I thought how Daphne and I got together was the most romantic story ever told.

FRASIER

Oh yes and it was so romantic the way you completely destroyed two marriages.

NILES

(ANNOYED) I'm just so happy for you I can barely contain my bowel movements.

FRASIER

And thank you for killing the romantic mood.

ROZ AND FRASIER SUDDENLY SPOT ONE ANOTHER

ROZ

Oh my God.

FRASIER

Oh my God.

THEY BOTH TURN AROUND SO THEY CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER

DAPHNE

What is it?

NILES

What now?

ROZ

Frasier and Niles are standing over there.

FRASIER

It's Roz and Daphne.

FRASIER PULLS HIS COAT UP AND OVER HIS HEAD SO THAT JUST HIS EYES ARE SHOWING. AT THE SAME TIME ROZ GETS DOWN ONTO HER KNEES CRAWLS BEHIND THE MAN SITTING ON THE BENCH, PULLS UP THE BACK OF HIS COAT AND HIDES UNDERNEATH IT. THE MAN IS COMPLETELY GOB SMACKED AND FRIGHTENED BY WHAT IS GOING ON.

ROZ

Hide me. Oh like you haven't dreamt of something like this happening buddy. But I am not going to cup any part of your anatomy so don't even think about asking. Just stay still and hide me and I won't be forced to hurt you. I have a pair of tweezers in my bag and I'm not afraid to use them. What is he doing here? He was supposed to be at a restaurant with Niles.

NILES

That is by far and away the most convincing disguise I have ever seen Frasier. Still if a pair of glasses concealed Clark Kent's secret identity for all those years, I can't see why an overcoat over your head won't work for you. Just try to keep your underwear on the inside for the sake of the children up here.

FRASIER

She's going to mock me to death when she finds out why I'm here.

DAPHNE

Roz I have something to tell you.

NILES

Frasier I have something highly amusing to tell you. I've nearly burst keeping it secret.

ROZ

What is it? Can he still see my ass from there? He says he doesn't look at it when I bend down at the office but he's a guy I know he's lying. He might be able to recognise it.

FRASIER

Well come on. Out with it. What do you have to tell me?

NILES/DAPHNE

Roz/Dr. Crane is the person you're here to meet.

ROZ

That's not funny!

FRASIER

You have got to be kidding me. That is by far the cruellest joke you have ever played on me.

ROZ

I have to get out of here before he sees me. Hey buddy on the count of three, we're going to get up and leave.

DAPHNE

Oh yes and Dr. Crane won't be at all suspicious of the pantomime horseman trying to get into the elevator.

FRASIER

How do you know? It might just be a coincidence.

NILES

You're both here to meet someone. You both phoned Daphne and I at the same time to ask us to come with you. Face facts Frasier you've been having cyber-sex with Roz. I just hope she hasn't spread any viruses onto your hard drive.

FRASIER

Stop it. What am I going to do its Roz?

NILES

Yes it's Roz the same woman that you've been telling me repeatedly over the last few weeks how smitten you are with.

ROZ

Do you know what this means?

DAPHNE

Yes you're dating your boss.

FRASIER TAKES HIS COAT OFF HIS HEAD AND WALKS OVER TO ROZ AND DAPHNE WITH NILES FOLLOWING

FRASIER

Roz I know you're there. Come out and talk to me.

ROZ

(WHISPERING) He might be talking to someone else.

FRASIER

Roz Doyle.

ROZ

(WHISPERING) There may be more then one in the whole of Seattle.

FRASIER

The Roz Doyle who is hiding under this rather frightened looking man's raincoat.

ROZ

Oh crap.

ROZ JUMPS OUT FROM THE MAN'S COAT AND WAVES

ROZ (CONT'D)

Why Frasier, hello, what a surprise, what are you doing here?

NILES

Obviously not to spit over the side.

FRASIER

I may very well throw you over the side if you don't shut up.

DAPHNE

How about we go home?

NILES

But I'd rather stay here. It looks as if it'll be more fun.

DAPHNE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR AND HE BEGINS TO GIGGLE

NILES (CONT'D)

Why are we still standing here? Where are we going to get a pogo stick from at this time of day?

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT WITH THE FRIGHTENED MAN FOLLOWING

FRASIER

Sometimes I think it would benefit the world if we got those two fixed.

ROZ

And if we send them in together, we may get a volume discount.

FRASIER

What the hell I'll send Dad in as well for the bigger discount. It's just a shame Eddie's already been done.

A BEAT AS THEY BOTH LOOK OUT OVER THE CITY RATHER THEN AT EACH OTHER

ROZ (CONT'D)

Are you really Stephano?

FRASIER

I am, from the Tempest. Are you really Sunshine?

ROZ

Yeah.

A BEAT

ROZ (CONT'D)

This is actually kind of funny.

FRASIER

That it is. (PRETENDING) Ha!

ROZ

It's a lovely evening isn't it?

FRASIER

Yes it is, although not for that gentleman, you seem to have traumatised him for life. Still Niles will be happy, I know he's looking to take on more patients.

ROZ

He's not the first he won't be the last. I should carry some of Niles' business cards around with me.

A BEAT

ROZ (CONT'D)

Did you know before?

FRASIER

No. I take it you didn't either.

ROZ

Not at all. You were the last person I thought of. So where do we go from here?

FRASIER

We seem to have got ourselves into a real predicament.

ROZ

Yes we have. What are the rules for this kind of thing?

FRASIER

I have no idea.

ROZ

I have one, if you're open to suggestions.

THEY MOVE IT CLOSE, EXTREMELY AWKWARDLY AND ATTEMPT TO KISS. THEY NERVOUSLY KEEP MOVING POSITIONS BEFORE ANY CONTACT IS ACTUALLY MADE. JUST AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS THEY BOTH SUDDENLY JERK BACK AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER

ROZ (CONT'D)

Hey you lied to me.

FRASIER

When?

ROZ

You told me you weighed one hundred and fifty pounds. Not in this century you don't. Did you have one foot on the floor and the other on the scales?

FRASIER

I may have told a little lie or two, but in the light of my bathroom that's what the scales said. They may be a little inaccurate.

ROZ

It may have been a little more accurate if you weren't standing on them and eating a donut at the same time. That's like running on a treadmill while eating a big piece of chocolate cake.

FRASIER

This may come as a surprise but I'm not a Policeman. Anyway you lied to me as well.

ROZ

I did not.

FRASIER

Yes you did. You told me that you were thirty-five. Did you forget to tell me in what year that was? Or did you intend to glue your breasts up under your chin?

ROZ

Oh that's nice. And by the way I did.

A BEAT

FRASIER

Still it's a shame.

ROZ

Yeah it is.

A BEAT

ROZ (CONT'D)

Well it's getting late.

FRASIER

Yes it is and we do have that extra show to do tomorrow.

ROZ

And I have to pick up Alice. So I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Frasier.

FRASIER

Bye Roz.

FRASIER LEANS IN AND KISSES ROZ ON THE CHEEK BEFORE SHE TURNS AND EXITS. AS FRASIER LOOKS OUT OVER THE CITY HE SIGHS AND PONDERS WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, AND WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ARE ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN HIS CELL PHONE STARTS TO RING AGAIN. THEY BOTH AGAIN WAKE WITH A START. DAPHNE ROLLS OVER AND PUSHES NILES OUT OF BED TO FIND IT AND STOP IT FROM RINGING. HE EVENTUALLY ROLLS OUT OF BED VERY RELUCTANTLY AND PICKS UP HIS TROUSERS AND FISHES OUT HIS CELL PHONE. HE THEN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND DROPS HIS CELL PHONE DOWN THE TOILET BEFORE FLUSHING IT. ON HIS WAY BACK TO BED DAPHNE LIFTS UP HER HAND AND GIVES HIM THE HIGH FIVE BEFORE HE CRAWLS BACK INTO BED.