And finally I reach the season finale! Brace yourselves it's a long one.

I want to start by thanking everyone who has given me their support over the course of the season. I'm not very good at responding to e-mail's so I'll take this opportunity. Special thanks to everyone who sent me feedback: My one and only bad boy Crofty, Charlotte Etchells, Elaine Gretchell, Daniela Grech, Marissa (the number one pest in the world), Beryl Marsh, Tim Shaw, Chep, Danielle, Sarah, Sally, Theresa Muir, Joyce Hackney, Susie Tobin, Laura Brown, Erin Christine, Silva, Eve, Becky, Mumbles125, Mindy Negron, La Chanse, Kate (Niles the pot plant), Lydia Gardner, CJ, Meredith, BarretM82A1, Marita Linde, Joy, Heather Davidson, Woolf, Diana Earle, Laura A, Dulcey, Buffy3335, Stargirl, Debs, Kelly, Mystical1735, Gillian Earthy, Daphne441, Olli Ritvanen, Casey, Megan Taxler, Norah Molina, Dan, Violet, Elizabeth, Misti Badgett.

I've wanted to write this one since March when I first came up with the idea. As always I will be extremely grateful for all feedback received so send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com and gain free entry into a competition to have the entire cast of Frasier come to your house and perform an episode of your choice (Note. Prize may not actually be real).

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Four
Every Girl Should Be Married

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEES WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION

FRASIER

So anyway after they eventually managed to put out the fire, I could detect that she wasn't particularly interested in a second date. The fact that she flinched and backed away every time I came near her tipped me off. That and she was still smouldering and I don't think that was from the fire.

NILES

Are you surprised? You set fire to her hair. She'd be terrified about what you were going to do next if that was an indication of a growing love for her. What would you do if you didn't like her? Mace her and remove her kidney's with an ice-cream scoop?

FRASIER

It wasn't technically her hair. It was a wig after all. Mind you as soon as I discovered that it was a wig I wasn't particularly interested in that seconded date either. Fair enough, a bad comb over is just about acceptable when it's your own hair but when it's a wig and on a woman, there's a kisser you don't want to touch with a ten-foot pole.

NILES

Did that effectively get you banned from Chez Henry?

FRASIER

I hope not. I may begin to have severe withdrawals and develop the shakes if I don't get a regular intake of his Lobster Comfit. It's more additive then an illegal drug. And it wasn't my fault anyway. If she hadn't sprayed that much aerosol spray on it in the first place, none of this would have happened. That head was ready to combust at the drop of a hat. But at the same time that spray made her head so hard she could break one of those blocks with it that they use when giving a karate demonstration. She nearly knocked me out when we banged heads as we awkwardly kissed each other hello. I'm surprised I don't have concussion or some internal bleeding.

NILES

You're never one to over react. I guess that means that you'll be in tonight?

FRASIER

No I won't, I told you I'd make myself scarce and I will be true to my word.

NILES

I have to apologise once again for driving you from your home like this, but after that tiny explosion in my kitchen I don't have any alternative.

FRASIER

Tiny explosion? It was a four-alarm fire. They not only had to evacuate everyone from your building, but everyone on the block. For heavens sake they were broadcasting hourly updates from the scene on CNN for two days.

NILES

That's a slight exaggeration. It was one day and the Larry King special and you know it.

FRASIER

What did you do to it anyway?

NILES

It wasn't me it was Daphne. She went at the oven with a hammer because...

FRASIER

Wait what are you doing with a hammer in your apartment? What's next a pair of jeans and a hat made from beer cans? It won't be long before you've got your hand down your trousers while belching the alphabet to entertain Dad and his buddy's during a Monster Truck Rally.

NILES

That's hardly likely. Daphne carries one around in her purse.

FRASIER

For any particular reason? Or is it another thing about her that we choose to find charming rather then alarming and you choose to find a turn on?

NILES

She has it in case we ever get attacked on the street. You know how dangerous it's getting out there what with gang violence and mopeds coming at you from all angles. She wanted something to protect us since Dad advised against getting a gun and I...

FRASIER

Have all the fighting ability of a narcoleptic fruit fly?

NILES

No I was going to say and I have these damn week calves.

FRASIER

I see. Well anyway back to your story.

NILES

As I was saying she went at it with a hammer because she thought the temperature gage was off as it keeps sending everything she cooks in there to the depths of hell.

FRASIER

Niles is all fairness, not even the Pope himself could prevent Daphne's cooking from suffering that fate. You'd have to boil it in Holy Water and get every exorcist in the Washington State area to work their magic on it. Either way I wouldn't get my hopes up.

NILES

I appreciate your clearing out anyway Frasier because I've decided that tonight is the night.

FRASIER

(CONFUSED) For what?

NILES

(SARCASTICALLY) To creosote the fence, what do you think I mean?

FRASIER

Firstly I'd like to know how you know anything about creosoting fences.

NILES

Dad was watching a DIY show the other day on cable. I'm going to... well you know.

FRASIER

No I don't.

NILES

(TRYING TO POINT HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION) What I've been trying to do for the last few weeks.

FRASIER

Find pants to compliment those new wing tips? Good luck. I'd recommend giving them to a church bizarre but I wouldn't want you to inflict them on anyone else.

NILES LOOKS AROUND HIM BEFORE HE SPEAKS

NILES

(QUIETLY) No, good God man, I'm going to propose to Daphne.

FRASIER

Oh well why didn't you just say so?

NILES

Someone may have been listening.

FRASIER

Who? This is not Russia. The walls don't have ears. There's no KGB lurking in the corner.

NILES

I've kept this quiet so long I don't want her to find out about it now, before I have the chance to pop the question.

FRASIER

Yes and if all goes right it won't be the only thing you'll be popping tonight.

NILES

You spend way too much time with Roz.

FRASIER

Well congratulations anyway Niles.

NILES

Thankyou. I think I've finally overcome my fear of rejection. I'm still petrified that she'll say no to point of soiling myself but the night sweats, vomiting and black outs are only happening every other day now. So I think that's a good sign that I'm ready to face my fear and ask her.

FRASIER

(RATHER TAKEN ABACK) Well...that sounds fine. What man doesn't black out while driving their car on the freeway before they propose? What other sign do you need to prove that you are ready? To actually see her face appear in a tortilla?

NILES

Now that you mention it, my bran muffin did share an uncanny resemblance...

FRASIER

Stop that sentence right there before I'm forced to have you committed. Anyway its certainly good news to hear, everything will be fine, trust me.

NILES

I just want to try to make this evening as special as humanly possible, as after all it was one year ago today.

FRASIER

What? That you got married?

NILES

I meant that Daphne and I got together but you just had to bring it up didn't you?

FRASIER

I'm your brother it's my job to torture you and to point out shocking impulse wingtip purchases. I'm serious burn those shoes.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER, DRINK THEIR COFFEE AND STARE AT NILES' SHOES WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND?'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz)

THE ROOM IS PREPARED FOR A ROMANTIC INTIMATE EVENING, WITH THE TABLE BEAUTIFULLY SET, A ROARING FIRE, CANDLES SCATTERED ABOUT EVERYWHERE AND SI, MI CHIAMANO MIMI PLAYING SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. NILES FUSSES ABOUT STRAIGHTENING THINGS THAT HE'S ALREADY DONE SEVERAL TIMES AS FRASIER STANDS BY THE KITCHEN AND WATCHES HIM TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN.

NILES

Frasier, quick while Daphne's in her bedroom.

NILES GETS OUT THE RING BOX FROM HIS POCKET, OPENS IT AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE IN FRONT OF FRASIER

NILES (CONT'D)

How does it look from this angle?

FRASIER

Very nice Niles. Although I'm still going to have to say no. Firstly because it's incest, secondly because if medical science did move leaps and bounds think what our children would turn out like and thirdly because I just don't find you attractive.

NILES GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN

NILES

You're just making me more nervous and I don't particularly want to vomit on your shoes.

FRASIER

That makes two of us.

NILES

Now seriously how does it look?

FRASIER

Niles you could give it to her in the belly of a dead fish and she would still say yes although I'd seriously advise against it.

NILES

I know but I want to make this as special as possible. I did after all witness her last proposal if you'll remember. This has to be perfect.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WEARING HIS COAT

MARTIN

Right I'm going. Have a good night boys.

NILES

Thanks Dad, goodnight.

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

Have you told Dad?

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM UNNOTICED BY NILES UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT

NILES

No. I didn't want to risk it considering how close they are. I thought that there was always a chance that he might let it slip at this late stage to... (SHOUTS) Daphne darling!

NILES QUICKLY HIDES THE RING BOX BEHIND HIS BACK AND PASSES IT ALONG TO FRASIER WHO SLIPS IT IN HIS POCKET

DAPHNE

That was a frightening hello. I was only in my bedroom not setting up a base camp at the South Pole and wrestling Polar Bears with my bare hands. How's dinner coming along?

NILES

Perfect.

DAPHNE PICKS UP A PAIR OF EARRINGS OFF THE ISLAND AND STARTS TO PUT THEM ON

DAPHNE

Are you off out now Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

I will be shortly, to leave you two to celebrate in peace.

DAPHNE

Well don't rush yourself. This is your place after all.

FRASIER

I won't.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO HER ROOM AS FRASIER GIVES NILES THE RING BACK

NILES

(PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR) Ok now get out.

FRASIER

Niles I think you need a stiff drink. I'll get the sherry.

NILES

What if she says no?

FRASIER STARTS TO POUR THEM BOTH A DRINK

FRASIER

I'd better make that a brandy. She's not going to say no. You're just trying to think up an excuse to back out again. And as much as I love Daphne I don't want her still living here when she's eighty with you popping around once a week for a conjugal visit. You're letting this fear of rejection rule your life.

NILES

I am not. It doesn't rule it just dominates and almost smothers. Anyway I happen think a bear and a broken finger are good excuses to chicken out at the last minute due to an overwhelming fear of rejection.

FRASIER

But there was no bear.

NILES

There could have been a bear, but no the glass is always half empty for you isn't it Mr. Negativity.

FRASIER HANDS HIM HIS DRINK

FRASIER

Here drink this before you hyperventilate.

NILES KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK IN ONE AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO SPEAK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

It's actually a nice little brandy to sit and savour when you feel a little... (NOTICING NILES' EMPTY GLASS) never mind. I take it your new liver is already on order.

NILES

Can I have another?

NILES PUTS THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND RATHER HURRIEDLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

IN THE KITCHEN THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS COOKING ON THE STOVE AND IN THE OVEN. NILES ENTERS AND GOES STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT TWO DESSERTS AS FRASIER ENTERS. NILES PLACES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER, PULLS OUT THE RING FROM THE BOX AND PLACES IT AROUND THE CHERRY ON ONE OF THE DESSERTS.

FRASIER

What are you doing now?

NILES

Going ahead with plan B.

FRASIER

And that would be what?

NILES

I'm going to propose over dessert. If I do it any sooner this dinner will go to waste and with any luck be smeared all over our backsides.

FRASIER

I don't need the image. I have to eat off that table.

NILES

Point taken. So anyway when I bring it out, the moment she looks down she'll be face to face with the ring.

FRASIER

What a novel idea in a sort of idiotic, desperate way.

NILES

I think so.

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO OPEN IT. ENTER ROZ

FRASIER

Hi Roz, come on in.

ROZ

Hi Frasier. You ready to go?

FRASIER

Just a minute. I have to sedate Niles first.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

NILES

Hi Roz. Are you two going out together?

ROZ

Yeah, Alice is with her Grandmother for the weekend, and Frasier's free since his arson attempt on that woman's head so we're going to the movies. But I'm fully on guard. I've got a fire extinguisher in my purse and 911 on speed dial on my phone.

FRASIER

I didn't do it on purpose. I just happened to be making a very good point about Brechtian theatre, and gestured a little too forcefully. That candle should have been nailed to the table in my opinion. If you ask me it was just an accident waiting to happen. So are you going to be all right if I leave you now? You're not going to crawl up into a ball under the piano are you? I haven't cleaned under there for a while. You may get attacked by a few dust bunnies.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM ONCE AGAIN UNSEEN BY NILES

NILES

I'll be fine I have done this before you know.

DAPHNE

Done what before? Hi Roz.

NILES

Got my finger caught in the lemon zester.

DAPHNE

Oh are you all right?

NILES HELPS DAPHNE WITH A NECKLACE THAT SHE HAS BROUGHT OUT WITH HER

NILES

I'll be fine. I still have nine working fingers.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT HURRIEDLY INTO THE KITCHEN. ROZ SEEING THE SPEED IN WHICH THEY MOVE ALSO EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AFTER THEM TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER. NILES OPENS UP THE OVEN DOOR AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER PEER IN AS ROZ NOTICES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER

NILES (CONT'D)

Do you think this is almost done?

UNSEEN BY FRASIER AND NILES, ROZ PICKS UP A SPOON AND SCOOPS OFF THE CREAM AND THE CHERRY FROM OFF ONE OF THE DESSERTS AND EATS IT

FRASIER

I'd give it another five minutes.

NILES CLOSES THE OVEN AND THEN SUDDENLY NOTICES WHAT ROZ HAS DONE

NILES

Roz what are you doing?

ROZ

I'm sorry, here let me replace it.

ROZ GOES TO GET SOME MORE CREAM FROM THE FRIDGE

NILES

Where's the ring?

ROZ

Where's what ring?

NILES

Daphne's engagement ring, it was on top of the cream.

ROZ

(THRILLED) You're getting engaged? Oh congratulations.

NILES

Yes isn't it great, now if you'll kindly regurgitate the ring all will be right with the universe.

FRASIER

Oh my God. Quick check her mouth.

FRASIER TAKES HOLD OF ROZ'S ARMS AND HOLDS HER STILL AS NILES USES HIS FINGERS TO PRISE OPEN HER MOUTH AND PEERS INSIDE

FRASIER

Be careful Niles.

NILES

It's OK it was only a few weeks ago that I had a tetanus shot. And I don't think she has rabies.

ROZ

Get off me.

NILES

No, it might have got stuck on a tooth. Dear God when's the last time you flossed?

FRASIER

Niles, focus.

NILES

I can't see. I need some sort of flare. Oh you won't feel a thing, don't worry. All you'll see is a bright light, just walk towards it and don't look back.

FRASIER PASSES HIM A FIRE LIGHTER

FRASIER

Here use this.

ROZ TRIES TO SHAKE HER HEAD AT THE SIGHT OF THE FIRE LIGHTER

NILES

Oh calm down you won't combust. Unless of course you've been gargling with lighter fluid again.

NILES FINALLY GIVES UP AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER LET ROZ GO

ROZ

(HOLDING HER THROAT) I ate a ring?

NILES

No, not just a ring. You've just eaten a twenty-five thousand dollar diamond engagement ring.

FRASIER

(GOB SMACKED) You spent twenty-five thousand dollars on it?

NILES

I told you it was expensive.

FRASIER

But you didn't tell me you could have either bought that ring or stopped third world hunger. We need to have a discussion about your priorities.

ROZ

(BEGINNING TO PANIC) Oh my God

NILES

Yes suddenly for the first time in your life you don't feel so cheep do you Roz.

ROZ

Don't take this out on me.

NILES

What else do you expect me to do? You ate it.

ROZ

Well how was I to know, what on earth possessed you to put an engagement ring on food?

NILES

I was trying to be romantic.

ROZ

Oh yes very romantic, not many people would think of giving their fiancée an engagement tracheotomy.

FRASIER

There is no use fighting, Niles you can still propose, you'll just have to explain the situation.

NILES

Good idea but I think when I try to wrap Roz around her finger it may break it. Here, let me see if I can hear it.

NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PRESSES HIS EAR UP AGAINST ROZ'S STOMACH AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STUMBLES ACROSS THE SCENE. EVERYONE FREEZES WHEN SHE WALKS IN UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY

DAPHNE

What are you doing?

NILES

Have you ever noticed how cuddly Roz is?

FRASIER

Oh yes you're right.

FRASIER COMES UP BEHIND ROZ AND HUGS HER AS THEY ALL START TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH IN A BIZARRE LOOKING GROUP HUG

DAPHNE

You two have been at the sherry again haven't you?

DAPHNE PUTS SOME BREAD ROLLS IN THE OVEN BEFORE SHE EXITS AS THE OTHER THREE CONTINUE TO HUG. THE MOMENT DAPHNE IS OUT OF THE ROOM THEY BREAK.

NILES

Right that's it I want that ring back.

NILES GETS A LADLE FROM OFF THE ISLAND AND LUNGES AT ROZ'S STOMACH, BUT SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER WHO STANDS BETWEEN THEM

NILES (CONT'D)

Get out of the way Frasier. I'm not frightening to ladle you as well. Your pancreas will be flying across the room before you can even say the word 'pademelon'.

ROZ

Why would he even say that in this current situation?

NILES

Well how am I supposed to know how his brain works? I don't often give cat scans as Christmas presents since I divorced Maris.

FRASIER

I'll let you in on a secret my brain works significantly better then the brain of the village idiot who would normally say 'pademelon' in this situation. The trick to telling the difference is that village idiots don't wear Armani and instead spend their time chewing straw and falling backwards off fences.

NILES

Oh fine then before you can say the word 'ring'. The point is if you don't get out of the way your pancreas will be flying across the room before you have a chance to say anything. Whether the word makes sense in this current situation or not.

FRASIER

Will you calm down! This isn't going to solve anything.

NILES

This was supposed to be the most wonderful evening of my life, and now it's ruined because you can't keep your hands to yourself.

NILES LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ AGAIN BUT AGAIN SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM

ROZ

Here use this ring pull instead. She might not notice the difference if you keep the lights down low.

NILES LOOSES ALL CONTROL AND MAKES ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO LADLE ROZ WITH FRASIER STILL PROTECTING HER

FRASIER

Niles put the ladle on the floor now. OK, that's right. Now just kick it over here to me.

NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY PUTS THE LADLE ON THE FLOOR AND KICKS IT OVER TO FRASIER

NILES

Fine take the ladle, I'll see what success I have with a whisk.

NILES GRABS A WHISK FROM OFF THE COUNTER AND ONCE AGAIN LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ'S STOMACH BEFORE FRASIER TAKES IT OFF HIM

FRASIER

Niles stop it. Now this is just a delay. I'll take Roz to the emergency room, they'll give her a stomach pump, you'll have your ring back tonight, crisis averted.

ROZ

There's no way that I'm ever having something that big rammed down my throat.

FRASIER

Since when?

NILES

OK but I'm going too.

FRASIER

There's no need.

NILES

She has twenty-five thousand dollars inside her. Do you honestly think I'm not going to go?

FRASIER

Oh all right fine, let's go.

FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ALL EXIT FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES DRAGGING ROZ BY HER ELBOW

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS NILES AND FRASIER GET THEIR COATS AND ROZ PICKS UP HER PURSE FROM THE TABLE BY THE DOOR DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Niles where are you going?

NILES

I just have to nip out for a while with Roz and Frasier. I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Love you.

FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ START TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

But what about...

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT AS DAPHNE IS LEFT ALONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

...dinner?

AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND STARES AT THE EMPTY APARTMENT WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM CUBICLE — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Roz, Frasier, Doctor)

ROZ SITS ON THE BED IN THE CUBICLE WEARING ONE OF THE HOSPITAL GOWNS AS FRASIER SITS IN THE CORNER AND NILES PACES ABOUT THE ROOM FRANTICALLY

NILES

This is ridiculous. What is taking that doctor so long? All we wanted to know is where it is and what they can do about it, not a full appraisal of the ring. You haven't eaten any other jewellery today, that he'll get it confused with have you?

ROZ

Surprisingly no I haven't, I didn't want to chip a tooth.

NILES

We could start to hire you out as some sort of security box for the extremely paranoid.

FRASIER

Niles will you calm down. I know we're in the emergency room, but you don't have to hyperventilate, pass out and crack your head open to celebrate that fact.

NILES

This was supposed to be the most magical night of my life. I'd have done it by now. I should be engaged. I should be having sex right now.

ROZ

No one's stopping you. There's a cup and a rubber glove outside on the nurse's station if you're that desperate. I promise I won't look.

NILES

But no, instead of having the heavenly scent of cherry bark and almond intoxicating me and sending me to heaven I have the smell of a former patients unfortunately timed bowel movement wafting up my nose and making me feel nauseous.

ROZ

Oh big deal, so you have to spend the next what? Three minutes here instead, and I'm being very generous there. It won't kill you. And anyway I'm the one forced to sit on the stain, it's an even stronger smell from here.

FRASIER

It's starting to make my eye's water.

NILES

This is a nightmare.

ROZ

Get a grip. I'm the one who ate a ring. I'm the one who could die at any moment.

NILES

Some how I don't think I'm that lucky.

FRASIER

Oh you are not going to die. Taking into consideration how much that ring cost I doubt very much that the gold paint will wear off and release a procession of toxins into your blood stream. But just to be on the safe side, are all your affairs in order?

NILES

I'm sure they are. Her affairs are all in order according to how long it lasted, whether she sustained any carpet burn during the act and if they bought her dinner.

ROZ

Hey. Every one of them has bought me dinner I'll have you know.

FRASIER

I meant her financial affairs Niles.

ROZ

Oh great between the pair of you, you make me sound like a hooker.

FRASIER

I'm sorry I'm only trying to help.

ROZ

By telling me that I might die because of this?

THE DOCTOR ENTERS CARRYING AN EX-RAY

DOCTOR

And I'm back.

NILES

You'll forgive us if we don't applaud.

DOCTOR

And how are we all doing?

ROZ

Just fine. I love these gowns, I don't have my ass hanging out and blowing in the breeze in public nearly enough as I should do.

FRASIER

As you'll notice we're experiencing a Prozac shortage.

NILES

And that she's never had an etiquette lesson.

THE DOCTOR PINS UP THE EX-RAY FOR ALL TO SEE AND THE RING CAN QUITE CLEARLY BE SEEN

DOCTOR

Well I have your x-ray back and everything seems to be fine.

ROZ

Except I'll have a parade of people squinting like Popeye holding a shot glass trying to appraise my stomach.

DOCTOR

The ring does not appear to be lodged anywhere so we see no need to surgically remove it.

NILES

So what, you're just going to ram your arm down her throat and pull it out? I don't want a piece of trachea snagged on that diamond.

DOCTOR

And you went to medical school you say? I've consulted with another doctor on call tonight and we see no need to offer any assistance to the ring on its journey.

NILES

On its journey? It's somewhere in her digestive system not making its annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

DOCTOR

We suggest that you just wait for it come out naturally.

NILES

Then there'll be no need for me to wrap it up in pretty paper it'll already be handsomely presented when I get it back.

DOCTOR

May I suggest that you boil it before giving it to your fiancée?

FRASIER

Thanks for the tip.

NILES

Boil it? I'll run it through the dry cleaners and the dishwasher.

DOCTOR

Well good luck.

THE DOCTOR GOES TO LEAVE

ROZ

Wait that's it?

DOCTOR

Unless you've swallowed anything else while I was out of the room, yes. Just be patient and let nature take its course.

NILES

Can't you give her anything?

DOCTOR

I'm sorry no, now if you'll excuse me, I have to deal with Mrs. Alderwick in the next cubicle who accidentally used super glue instead of denture adhesive on her false teeth. I'm not even going to ask why she stuck them to her breast; all I know is that it's got something to do with a pogo stick, space boots and a wombat.

THE DOCTOR EXITS

NILES

I told you we should have taken her to one of those back alley surgeons. We'd have had it back within three minutes and they'd have stitched her back up for free.

FRASIER

I know but there was always a chance that they'd remove one of her vital organs to sell as well while she was unconscious. And they don't use a general anaesthetic. They just bash you around the head with a breezeblock from a construction site. You then have to go to the hospital to stop the internal cranial bleed. So in the end what's the point?

ROZ

Would you boys mind stepping outside so I can get dressed?

FRASIER

Not at all. You've flashed us enough for one day. Now we can both join the 'I've seen Roz's behind club'. I hope they have room for us at that sports stadium they normally meet at.

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT FROM THE CUBICLE AS ROZ THROWS HER SHOE AT THEM

RESET TO:

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND PULL THE CURTAIN SHUT BEHIND THEM

NILES

What do we do? I want that ring, I can't wait much longer or I'll back out again.

FRASIER

What do you suggest?

NILES

Can't we help it on the way?

FRASIER

And how do you suggest we do that? Poke it through her lower intestine with a very long flexible stick? Or how about an extremely powerful enema with a vacuum cleaner hose? Either way neither of us are strong enough to hold her down to do it.

NILES

We'll just give her a bottle of laxatives.

FRASIER

She'll never do that. But if she doesn't know it might work. We could get some of that laxative chocolate. What's it called? Ex-Lax, that's it. She'll ram that down her neck and beg for more. And if we give her enough you'll have it back in a few hours.

NILES

Frasier you are a genius.

FRASIER

I know but I don't like to make a big deal about it.

NILES

Since when?

ROZ ENTERS FROM THE CUBICLE FULLY DRESSED

ROZ

OK I'm going home.

NILES

That's right home with me.

ROZ

Why?

NILES

I am not going to let you out of my sight while you have twenty-five thousand dollars inside you. I'm going to go everywhere with you until I get that ring back. You'll need constant supervision. When it does finally enter the world again I don't want it disappearing down the toilet and ending up as a toe ring for a rat. From now on everywhere that you go, I go.

NILES EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS ROZ AND FRASIER STARE AFTER HIM

ROZ

Oh joy, what fun. Kill me kill me now.

AS ROZ TRIES TO ESCAPE DOWN THE OPPOSITE END OF THE CORRIDOR TO NILES, FRASIER PUSHES HER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'WILLY WONKA AND THE LAXATIVE CHOCOLATE FACTORY'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Eddie)

FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BOTH LOOKING EXTREMELY TIRED AND GROUCHY

FRASIER

Good morning children. And how was your sleep over? Did you toast marshmallows, tell each other ghost stories and have a pillow fight? Or did you just paint your toenails and confess which boy from class you'd most like to kiss behind the bike shed?

ROZ

It was a nightmare. In fact nightmares aspire to this night.

NILES

At least you got some sleep. You see Roz has a tendency to talk in her sleep. Actually talk is an understatement. Letting out uncontrollable blood curdling screams would be more appropriate. Between that and the neighbours pounding on the wall yelling 'what the hell are you doing to her Crane you pervert?' I didn't get much sleep.

ROZ

That was still no reason to sit and watch me all night. You really gave me the creeps hovering over me like a vulture waiting to peck my eyes out. I wasn't going to pass the ring in the night, sneak out, sell it and live the high life in Rio you know.

NILES

I knew you were plotting something.

FRASIER

I'll get you both a coffee. Niles come and help me.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Roz sit and don't move.

ROZ

The lack of trust on your part just startles me.

NILES

Good then maybe it'll startle the ring out of you.

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A SMALL PLATE OF CHOCOLATE OUT OF THE FRIDGE AS NILES ENTERS

FRASIER

I got it, now all we have to do is get her to eat it.

NILES TAKES THE PLATE OFF FRASIER AND EXAMINES THE CHOCOLATE

NILES

That's actually a laxative? It looks so nice.

FRASIER

Well don't try any because the end result won't be.

NILES

I still can't believe this is happening. Why does God have such a grudge against me? (LOOKING UP AT THE HEAVENS) It was my parent's fault not mine that I didn't attend Sunday school. I'd have driven myself if I were tall enough to have reached the pedals and been able to see above the steering wheel.

FRASIER

Niles calm down it's just a couple of day's delay.

NILES

It's making me all the more nervous. I'd finally got to the stage where I would be able to ask her and not cringe as I think she'll say no. But I'm more terrified now then ever. Last night because I couldn't sleep I just stuffed myself with junk food.

FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH TO HIMSELF

NILES (CONT'D)

It's not funny.

FRASIER

Sorry I just remember Daphne telling me the same thing before you got married to Mel.

NILES

And you manage to bring it up again.

NILES ONCE AGAIN WANTING TO HELP HIS NERVES WITH JUNK FOOD PICKS A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE PLATE THAT HE'S STILL HOLDING AND TAKES A BITE FROM IT

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Niles don't eat that!

FRASIER, ALONG WITH THE REALISATION OF WHAT HE IS EATING, STARTLES NILES AND CAUSES HIM TO JUMP AND DROP THE PLATE AND THE CHOCOLATE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. NILES THEN RUSHES TO THE SINK AND SPITS THE CHOCOLATE INTO IT. HE THEN PULLS OPEN THE FRIDGE DOOR AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF WATER. QUICKLY HE UNSCREWS THE CAP AND TAKES A BIG MOUTHFUL OF THE WATER AND BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH IT. AFTER A MOMENT HE SPITS OUT THE WATER IN THE SINK AND BEGINS TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY. THEY BOTH STARE AT THE CHOCOLATE ON THE FLOOR FOR A MOMENT.

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh what the hell she'll pass it straight back out again anyway, what's a bit of dirt going to do?

THEY BOTH GET ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND PICK UP THE CHOCOLATE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ STILL REMAINS WHERE THEY LEFT HER ON THE COUCH

ROZ

Don't eat what?

FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING THE PLATE OF CHOCOLATE WITH NILES CLOSE BEHIND

FRASIER

Eddie's dog food. Niles is a little tired and misread the label on the can. Somehow I don't think he'd like to feast on cow entrails, I don't think it will settle in his temperamental stomach. Although I'm not positive Daphne doesn't use that in some of her stews.

FRASIER AND NILES OFFER ROZ THE CHOCOLATE IN AN ALMOST IDENTICAL FASHION TO HOW THE WITCH OFFERS SNOW WHITE THE APPLE IN SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz would you like some chocolate?

ROZ

No thanks.

FRASIER

(PRACTICALLY HOLDING THE PLATE UNDER HER NOSE) Are you sure, I bought it especially for you?

ROZ

No I'm fine, I'm trying to watch my figure.

FRASIER

We can watch your figure while you eat the chocolate.

ROZ

No thankyou Frasier.

NILES

(SHOUTS) Eat the damn chocolate!

ROZ

Will you stop dictating what I can and cannot eat?

NILES

I'd have thought you would be grateful for the advice after your mistaken belief that diamond rings are actually a form of expensive upper class party mix.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM, SHE IS A LITTLE FROSTY TOWARDS THEM ALL IN HER TONE OF VOICE

DAPHNE

Oh hello I thought I heard some voices.

NILES

Good morning my love.

FRASIER PUTS THE CHOCOLATE ON THE DINNING TABLE AS NILES KISSES DAPHNE'S CHEEK

DAPHNE

Don't you think you owe me an apology?

NILES

(COMPLETELY BEWILDERED) Of course as soon as I can think of what to apologise for. I told you I'm working on the wiping down my chair thing.

DAPHNE

How about abandoning me last night on our anniversary for starters?

NILES

Ahh well I can explain that.

DAPHNE

I should hope so.

NILES

Well you see...

DAPHNE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE TABLE AND GOES TO EAT IT

NILES (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) Daphne don't eat that!

DAPHNE

Why not?

NILES TAKES THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER AND PUTS IT BACK ON THE PLATE BEFORE TURNING HIS BACK ON DAPHNE AND OFFERING THE CHOCOLATE ONCE AGAIN TO ROZ

NILES

Because that's all for Roz. Now come on Roz eat your chocolate.

ROZ

I don't want any, how many more times do I have to tell you.

ROZ PUSHES THE PLATE AWAY AND THEN STANDS UP

NILES

Where are you going?

ROZ

To the bathroom.

NILES

Excuse me one moment Daphne.

NILES PUTS THE CHOCOLATE BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE AND USHERS ROZ AND FRASIER TO THE TOILET DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

(QUIETLY) Frasier you go in there with her.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) Learn a little trust Niles.

NILES

(QUIETLY) You might need some help.

ROZ

(QUIETLY) Not for this I don't. There's very little he can do.

NILES

(QUIETLY) Go in there anyway.

ROZ

(QUIETLY) He is not coming into the bathroom with me.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) I don't want to see that.

NILES

(QUIETLY) Fine use Frasier's bathroom he can wait outside the door.

ROZ

I'm beginning to wish they had cut me open and pulled it out.

FRASIER

That makes two of us.

ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO DAPHNE WHO DOESN'T LOOK IMPRESSED

DAPHNE

Do you mind telling me what's going on? Do you have any idea how I felt last night when you just ran out? You didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me what was happening.

NILES

I know and I'm sorry.

MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER FROM HIS ROOM AND START TO LISTEN

DAPHNE

That's it? You're sorry. Where did you go?

NILES

Erm... To the museum.

DAPHNE

At eight o'clock on a Saturday night?

MARTIN NOTICES THE CHOCOLATE, MOVES TOWARDS IT AND STARTS TO EAT IT WHILE STILL LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSATION

NILES

No I don't mean the museum. What's that word that sounds like museum? Bar. Off to a bar. Just out for a drink.

DAPHNE

And it didn't occur to you to ask me? Niles it was our anniversary. We should have been celebrating together.

NILES

Well you see... (SHOUTS) Dad!!

MARTIN

What?

NILES

Where has all the chocolate gone?

MARTIN

Oh don't pitch a fit, I'll buy you some more.

BEFORE MARTIN PUTS THE FINAL PIECE IN HIS MOUTH HE BREAKS IT IN HALF AND GIVES THE REST TO EDDIE

NILES

(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here!

FRASIER ENTERS RUNNING WITH ROZ STROLLING BEHIND HIM

FRASIER

What's the matter? What has been spilled and on what carpeted area? Do you have any idea how much sherry stains?

NILES

Dad and Eddie have just eaten all of Roz's chocolate.

FRASIER

Oh my God!

MARTIN

What's the big deal, I'll replace it. And with something that doesn't leave that chalky after taste. You'd think your Gourmet shops would have something a little better then that with the price they charge.

FRASIER

But it was for Roz. (SOTTO TO NILES) OK I need to buy him some incontinent underwear. Is there such a thing as a diaper for a dog?

NILES

(SOTTO) I hope for your sake there is.

FRASIER

(SOTTO) Well they make it for monkeys.

NILES

(SOTTO) Fine, now all you have to do is go to the Animal Diaper Super Store. I believe there's one in the Tacoma Mall, located right next to the food hall and Burt's World Of Birthday Barnacles.

ROZ

It doesn't matter Martin I didn't want any anyway. Right I'm going.

NILES

Where to?

ROZ

I have an aerobics class this morning.

NILES

OK let's go.

THEY BOTH MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Why are you going?

NILES

Erm...

FRASIER

(QUICKLY) Roz and Niles are having a bonding day.

NILES

That's right we're doing everything together today. Except picking up men obviously. Roz is going to go cold turkey today. But I've got a picture of a naked man in my pocket in case she starts to suffer from severe withdrawals and starts to twitch and lash out.

DAPHNE

So you're both going to squeeze into a spandex leotard and gig about until you've worked up a sweat?

MARTIN

Oh God.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

NILES

Is it your stomach?

MARTIN

No I just got an image of Niles doing that.

MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM

NILES

Come on Roz let's go. Bye guys.

NILES QUICKLY KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Niles and Roz are having a bonding day?

FRASIER

That's right. They've really become a lot closer of late.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PLATE OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

I've started to notice that.

AS DAPHNE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND STARES BACK AT THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Eddie)

MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING EXTREMELY ILL WITH EDDIE ASLEEP BY HIS FEET AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED

MARTIN

I'm dying I know I am. You'll come back in later and find me decomposing with the neighbours banging on the wall complaining about the smell. You won't be able to check if I'm alive because the stench will be so bad it'll make you faint.

FRASIER

Oh you are not dying. The miserable one's always out live everyone else.

MARTIN

In that case you'll out live used diapers. Eddie's got it as well. Bury us side by side won't you?

FRASIER

Of course and I'll play the theme tunes from the 'Police Academy' movies and 'All Dog's Go To Heaven' as the casket's disappear behind the curtain and everyone bows their heads.

MARTIN

Hey I don't want to be cremated.

FRASIER

You'll be dead you won't have much choice. I'll even serve hot dogs at the wake. It'll be my idea of funeral edible irony.

MARTIN

How can I catch something this bad off a dog? He's not a dirty animal.

FRASIER

Are you forgetting that this is the same dog that licks the toilet seat if he's not drinking from it and has a habit of bringing home dead insects from the park?

MARTIN

I feel as sick as a dog.

FRASIER

Exactly. You've caught some sort of dysentery off Eddie. Is there a clearer indication that you should dispose of the little dog before he gives you anything fatal? Preferably dispose of him over the side of the balcony? That look in your eye suggests no. Or do you need to use the bathroom again?

SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS OFF THE BED, PICKS UP HIS LEAD IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE ROOM

MARTIN

Quick Eddie's got his lead.

FRASIER

Oh dear God again? How much more could you possibly have left in you? You don't eat much you have a tiny stomach. Can't we stop it some how?

MARTIN

What do you suggest? Inserting a cork?

FRASIER

Well we could, I'm sure his system won't backfire that much.

MARTIN

Frasier!

FRASIER

It's not as if he'll explode.

MARTIN

Frasier!

FRASIER

Fine no cork. It might fly out anyway and smash something antique and extremely valuable.

MARTIN

Just take him will you Frasier.

FRASIER PUTS THE LEAD ON EDDIE'S COLLAR

FRASIER

Haven't you ever encouraged him to use the toilet?

MARTIN

Encouraging people never turns out the way you think it will. I found that out the hard way.

FRASIER

What happened?

MARTIN

I encouraged you to speak. Boy has that decision blown up in my face.

FRASIER

Do you want me to take the little dog or not?

MARTIN

It's up to you, but remember it's your carpet he'll be soiling.

FRASIER

Come on young Edward.

FRASIER AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE HALL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR STARING OFF INTO SPACE WHEN FRASIER AND EDDIE ENTER AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Oh good Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you.

FRASIER

Can't it wait Daphne I'm kind of busy right now?

DAPHNE

Not really. It's about Niles. I really need to talk to someone please.

FRASIER LEAVES EDDIE BY THE DOOR AND SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR

FRASIER

All right Daph what is it?

DAPHNE

I know it seems silly but I'm worried about Niles and...

DAPHNE IS INTERRUPTED BY EDDIE WHO STARTS TO CRY AND SCRATCH THE DOOR

FRASIER

I'm sorry Daphne I really have to take him.

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE'S LEAD AND THEY BOTH EXIT. DAPHNE CONTINUES TO SIT AND STARE INTO SPACE FOR A MOMENT. AFTER A MOMENT SHE GETS UP, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS

DAPHNE

(ON PHONE) Hello Mrs. Woodson. It's Daphne can I speak to Niles please. Thankyou. (A BEAT) Hello Niles.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES SITS BEHIND HIS DESK IN FRONT OF A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK HOLDING THE PHONE WITH ROZ STRETCHED OUT ON HIS COUCH READING A MAGAZINE

NILES

Daphne? This is a surprise. (COVERING UP THE MOUTHPIECE AND WHISPERING) It's Daphne.

ROZ

I gathered that. I managed to crack your cryptic code. Never work for military intelligence, the enemy will see right through you.

NILES

(STILL COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) Be quiet, if she knows you're here, she'll think something is going on.

ROZ

Something is going on.

NILES

(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) I know but I don't want her to know that. (ON PHONE) Daphne honey, what can I do for you?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE STANDING BY THE ISLAND

DAPHNE

I still want to talk about what happened last night.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I know and I'm sorry. I will make it up to you I promise. Starting by going out for an anniversary dinner. We can go wherever you like.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

A SMALL SMILE SLOWLY BEGINS TO APPEAR ACROSS DAPHNE'S FACE

DAPHNE

OK how about Au Pied du Cochon?

NILES

(OVER THE PHONE) Perfect.

DAPHNE

Pick me up about seven?

NILES

(OVER THE PHONE) Oh I can't go tonight.

DAPHNE

(GETTING ANNOYED AND UPSET) Why not?

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Because I've already made plans with Roz. We were going to go to the...to the...I've forgotten the word...to the...

ROZ

(BLURTS OUT) To the zoo.

NILES

(IMMEDIATELY) To the zoo.

ROZ FRANTICALLY WAVES HER ARMS AT NILES TO STOP HIM FROM SAYING THAT

ROZ

No don't say that.

NILES

(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) You may not have noticed but it's too late. And unless you've got a time machine or an ability to make the earth rotate on its axis we're in trouble.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

(BEGINNING TO GET EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS) To the zoo? At night? With Roz? Alone? You seem to be spending an awful lot of time with Roz recently. Is there something going on that you're not telling me about?

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES

(GUILTILY) No. Of course not. Why would you think that?

DAPHNE

(OVER THE PHONE) No reason.

NILES

We may be able to go tomorrow night. I promise. Oh by the way I won't have time to drop that suitcase around to you tonight like I promised though.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

Because you're too busy with Roz?

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

NILES

Yes that's right. We have to get food for the petting zoo otherwise the animals tend to chew on your shoelaces. And I don't like anything chewing on my tassels. I'm very sensitive about that.

ROZ PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

ROZ

You are the worst liar in the history of bad liars.

NILES SHUSHES HER SO SHE IN TURN THROWS HER MAGAZINE AT HIM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

I've got my keys. I'll get it tomorrow morning.

NILES

(OVER THE PHONE) OK. Maybe I'll see you then.

DAPHNE

All right, bye.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

NILES

Bye Daphne.

NILES GOES TO HANG UP THE PHONE BUT DOESN'T QUITE PUT THE RECEIVER DOWN PROPERLY CAUSING THE LINE TO STILL BE OPEN AND RESULTING IN DAPHNE BEING ABLE TO STILL HEAR EVERYTHING

NILES (CONT'D)

That's a close one she's starting to get suspicious. I don't know how much longer we can keep this secret.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STILL STANDS HOLDING THE PHONE TO HER EAR GETTING MORE AND MORE UPSET THE MORE SHE HEARS

NILES (CONT'D)

(OVER THE PHONE) It can't continue for much longer.

ROZ

(OVER THE PHONE) Niles will you keep your hands off me!

NILES

(OVER THE PHONE) I don't care I want it now. I can't wait any longer. It's on my mind twenty-four hours a day. I can't concentrate, it's all I think about. Do you have any idea how desperate I am to have it right now?

ROZ

(OVER THE PHONE) I'm beginning to.

DAPHNE THEN HANGS UP THE PHONE, SLAMMING IT DOWN, NOT WANTING TO HEAR ANYMORE AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(F)

TITLE CARD: 'A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE'

FADE IN:

INT. MONTANA ELEVATOR — MORNING — DAY/3
(Daphne, Man, Roz, Niles)

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP ALONG WITH ANOTHER MAN. DAPHNE SPEAKS ON THE PHONE AND THE MAN CAN'T HELP BUT LISTEN

DAPHNE

(ON THE PHONE) I'll pop into the pharmacy on the way home. But I'm not sure what else they can give you, other then something for that diaper rash. You could have fooled me. It looks like diaper rash to me. I'm your health care worker people expect me to know things like that. Oh what's your problem I won't tell anyone at McGinty's? Or down at the station. Or anyone for that matter. (COVERING THE MOUTH PIECE AND TALKING TO THE MAN) Are you good at keeping secrets?

MAN

My lips are sealed

DAPHNE

(ON THE PHONE) They're not going to want to hear about your bowel movements. If I don't they sure as hell aren't going to want to. I'm here now, so I'll see you later. I told you, I'm using one of Niles' suitcases to take on vacation with me. OK, bye.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND DAPHNE EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT. SHE THEN FISHES IN HER BAG FOR HER KEYS AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND EXITS THROUGH IT

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR. SHE IMMEDIATELY SCANS THE APARTMENT FOR ANY SIGNS OF LIFE, DEEP DOWN HOPING THAT SHE WON'T FIND ROZ THERE. LETTING THE SUSPICION STARTING TO RULE HER ACTIONS SHE SCANS SOME PAPERS THAT NILES HAS LEFT ON THE TABLE FOR ANYTHING INCRIMINATING. SATISFIED THAT IT DOESN'T LOOK AS IF ROZ HAS BEEN THERE DAPHNE DESCENDS THE STAIR CASE AND EXITS UPSTAIRS

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' BEDROOM AND GOES TO LOOK IN HIS BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER, BUT STOPS HERSELF BEFORE SHE PULLS IT OPEN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Daphne Moon stop it. Nothing is going on it's all in your imagination. Just like that time you thought Keith Richards was stalking you.

SHE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM, OPENS IT AND EXITS THROUGH IT

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' DRESSING ROOM FROM HIS BEDROOM. SHE STANDS FOR A MOMENT AND JUST LOOKS AROUND SHAKING HER HEAD

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

How is it that he can have more pairs of shoes then I've had hot dinners? Still as long as he hasn't taken to wearing women's shoes where's the problem?

SHE THEN OPENS THE CUPBOARD ON THE END TO THE LEFT THAT OPENS UP TO REVEAL A LOT OF JUNK INCLUDING A COUPLE OF SUITCASES ON THE TOP SHELF JUST OUT OF REACH. DAPHNE CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND PICKS UP A CHAIR AND TAKES IT TO THE CUPBOARD AND STANDS ON IT. SHE HAS A QUICK LOOK INSIDE BEFORE RUNNING HER FINGER ALONG THE SHELF. WHEN SHE PULLS IT AWAY THERE ISN'T A SPECK OF DUST OR DIRT ON IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Anal-retentive clean freak Dr. Niles Crane. But that's why I love you.

DAPHNE THEN TRIES TO PULL ONE OF THE SUITCASES OFF THE TOP SHELF, BUT NOTICES THAT SEVERAL ITEMS, INCLUDING SMALL BOXES AND SOME STORE BAGS, BLOCK IT IN. SHE MOVES THEM OUT OF THE WAY BY PUSHING THEM INTO AN EMPTY SPACE AT THE END OF THE SHELF, HAVING A QUICK PEEK INSIDE EACH OF THEM BEFORE DOING SO. WHEN THEY HAVE ALL BEEN MOVED SHE PULLS THE FIRST SMALL SUITCASE OUT (ONCE AGAIN NOT COVERED IN EVEN THE SMALLEST SPECK OF DUST) AND PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR. AS SHE GOES TO GET DOWN OFF THE CHAIR SHE NOTICES ANOTHER SMALL BAG THAT WAS HIDDEN BEHIND THE SUITCASE. NOT BEING ABLE TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION SHE PULLS THE BAG OUT AND LOOKS INSIDE IT. SHE THEN SLOWLY SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR STILL HOLDING THE BAG AND RESTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS. SHE THEN LOOKS INSIDE THE BAG ONCE MORE AND PULLS OUT FROM IT THE DRAGON THAT ROZ GAVE TO NILES AT THE END OF 'VISIONS OF DAPHNE' FOR GETTING ALICE INTO A GOOD PRE-SCHOOL. MOMENTS PASS AS SHE JUST SITS AND LOOKS AT IT AND RECALLS HER VISION BEFORE A TEAR FALLS DOWN HER CHEEK AND A SMILE BEAMS ACROSS HER FACE.

SFX: FRONT DOOR SLAMMING

DAPHNE IS DISTURBED FROM HER THOUGHTS BY THE NOISE OF THE DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND ROZ ARE STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM TAKING OFF THEIR COATS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE FAINTING COUCH

ROZ

I still don't see why you couldn't shower at my place. It's perfectly clean you germ freak. There's no acid in the water. If you'll sleep on my couch until you get your ring back surely you can use my shower.

NILES

No offence Roz but I've heard stories of what you've done in that shower. I shudder at the thought. No wonder you have so much traction decal on the floor and on the walls and even amazingly on the ceiling. And anyway I have to pick up some things to take them to the dry cleaners. Daphne and I go on vacation next week, I want to get a few things spruced up.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HEARS NILES' VOICE AND THINKS HE IS CALLING UP TO HER AS HE KNOWS SHE WAS GOING TO BE THERE THAT MORNING COLLECTING THE SUITCASE AND DID SAY THAT MAYBE HE'D SEE HER THERE. SHE WALKS TO THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AND IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN SHE HEARS ROZ'S VOICE

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Dear God what happened to your kitchen? The great fondue incident of two thousand and one? It looks as if you used a flamethrower on your Crème Brule instead of a blowtorch.

DAPHNE FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY CHANGES FROM ONE OF PURE JOY AT THE DISCOVERY OF THE DRAGON AND THINKING NILES WAS THERE TO SEE HER TO ONE OF BEING UTTERLY DISTRAUGHT THAT ROZ IS ONCE AGAIN WITH HIM AND ONCE AGAIN MAKING HER SUSPICIONS RUN WILD

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND ROZ BOTH STAND LOOKING INTO THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS BLACK ALL OVER FROM THE FIRE

NILES

Small explosions happen in ovens all the time. Martha Stewart is forever appearing in public with singed bangs and no eyebrows. In fact it's started a new trend among rebellious teenagers.

ROZ

Easy Bake Ovens are the worst for explosions. Most children are lucky to get past the pre-school age without blowing themselves up with one. One of my muffins got embedded so far into the ceiling that it was still there when my parents sold the house.

NILES

You had an Easy Bake Oven?

ROZ

What can I say? I like things that are easy.

NILES

Evidently. You seem to have modelled yourself after it. I'm sorry that one even surprised me. I'm going to sort my clothes for the dry cleaners.

ROZ

I'll help. We must have you looking presentable for the future in-laws. Do you have a bulletproof vest? I have a feeling you're going to need one. We'll have to get you a T-shirt made, 'Please help me remove this stick from my ass.'

THEY BOTH START TO DESCEND THE STAIRS

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HEARS THEM BOTH COMING AND BEGINS TO PANIC. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN. SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE OPEN CUPBOARD DOOR AND MOVES THE CHAIR BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION. SHE THEN OPENS UP THE SUITCASE AND PUTS THE DRAGON INSIDE BEFORE CLOSING IT AGAIN AND RUSHES TO THE DOOR

ROZ (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) You're going on a beach vacation you need at least one Hawaiian shirt. Otherwise you'll just look a freak. You must have at least one somewhere in here.

DAPHNE'S EXIT IS BLOCKED AS NILES AND ROZ ARE HEARD IN NILES' BEDROOM AND HEADING HER WAY. SHE OPENS UP A CUPBOARD DOOR NEAREST TO HER (WATCH 'WHINE CLUB', IT'S THE ONLY CUPBOARD THAT DOESN'T HAVE A GLASS PANEL ON THE DOOR) AND EXITS INTO IT, HIDING ALONG WITH THE SUITCASE SO THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THAT SHE WAS THERE. NILES AND ROZ ENTER. ROZ IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP AND SITS ON THE ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM

NILES

This may come as a surprise to you Roz but I'm not Magnum PI you know.

ROZ

I know that, he was rugged and handsome, you're well...not.

NILES

Thankyou so much dear.

ROZ

Dear God does your dressing room have a horizon?

NILES

It's not that big.

ROZ

Niles if it had a bathroom you could sub-let. I've never been in here before.

NILES

Have you not?

ROZ

No, we've never made it this far. There have always been other distractions.

NILES OPENS UP THE CUPBOARD THAT DAPHNE HAPPENS TO BE HIDING IN AND SHE FALLS OUT AND ONTO THE FLOOR, SENDING THE SUITCASE FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, NOT TO MENTION SCARING NILES AND ROZ TO DEATH BEFORE MAKING THEM LOOK AND ACT EXTREMELY GUILTY

NILES

Daphne what are you doing? Here let me help you.

NILES HELPS HER UP OFF THE FLOOR

DAPHNE

(GUILTILY) Getting a suitcase like I said I was going to. What do you think I was doing? Planting some marijuana ready for a Police bust?

ROZ

Then what were you doing in the cupboard? Playing hide and go seek?

DAPHNE

I find it comforting. Sitting in a dark confined room.

NILES

Since when?

DAPHNE

Since I got locked in an aeroplane toilet on a long haul flight and the light bulb went out. I was alone for hours with just a packet of peanuts and a smell that the previous occupant had left me.

NILES

You never mentioned this before.

ROZ

And with good reason. Sanatorium commitment papers have been known to end a fair amount of long-term relationships.

DAPHNE

It's my private fetish why should I tell you?

NILES

I thought we told each other everything. I told you about the gorilla suit thing.

DAPHNE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT SHE HAS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT AND THAT IT SHOULD BE NILES AND ROZ ACTING THIS WAY

DAPHNE

That's right we do. So what are you two doing here?

NILES AND ROZ BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER FROM EACH OTHER'S EYES BEFORE SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME

ROZ/NILES

I wanted to borrow a pair of his pants/Roz wants to learn the fundamental theories of Jung

THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT WHILE DAPHNE STARES ON LOOKING MORE AND MORE UPSET. THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME

ROZ/NILES (CONT'D)

That's right I wanted to know about Jung/You know how much Roz likes men's pants.

NILES (CONT'D)

It's complicated.

DAPHNE

Obviously or you wouldn't be having such a hard time telling me about it.

ROZ

I just love the material men's pants are made from.

NILES

So since I had the morning free and Roz was so desperate, I thought I'd give her one.

DAPHNE

(SHOCKED) I beg your pardon.

NILES

(REALISING WHAT HE'S JUST SAID) Pants. Give her one pair of pants. That's all I can spare.

ROZ

Then he's going to teach me about Jung.

DAPHNE

I bet he is. Well you both seem like you're going to be awfully busy so I'll go.

ROZ

I really think I'm going to have my hands full.

DAPHNE

Think again.

DAPHNE EXITS WITH THE SUITCASE SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LEANS UP THE CLOSED DOOR FOR A MOMENT, WITH HER HAND COVERING HER MOUTH AND TEARS STREAKING DOWN HER CHEEKS. SHE THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXITS THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR INTO THE HALLWAY

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

NILES AND ROZ REMAIN WHERE WE LEFT THEM

NILES

Well that went well don't you think?

ROZ

What conversation were you listening to? Or were you off in your own little dream world? There's no way she bought that. Compared to that saying we were about to go skydiving with a leprechaun dressed, as an epileptic unicorn in heat would have been more plausible.

NILES

Do you really think so?

ROZ

What are you insane?

NILES

This current situation is sending me that way yes. It's times like this I'm glad I can self medicate.

NILES SLIDES DOWN ONE OF THE CUPBOARD DOORS AND ENDS UP IN A LITTLE BALL ON THE FLOOR AS WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: 'THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL IS THE NEW TOILET BRUSH HOLDER'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne, Roz)

DAPHNE SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE STARING AT THE DRAGON THAT SITS IN THE MIDDLE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Hello Daph. What are you doing?

DAPHNE

Nothing, just thinking. How are you feeling? You still look a bit peaky.

MARTIN

I'm feeling like I may never eat again to prevent it from ever happening again. Actually I'm a little better then I did yesterday. I can't say the same for my bowel though. That's had a far worse time.

DAPHNE

We're heading into a need to know area and I don't need to know about you're bowel, I was thinking about eating later.

MARTIN

Suit yourself. I was only trying to educate you.

DAPHNE

That's a lesson I can do with out thankyou very much like how to disembowel a chicken or skin a ferret with a meat cleaver. The things they don't teach you in school, well they didn't in England, and God knows what they teach you over here.

MARTIN

Now I'm heading into a need to know area.

DAPHNE

Do you want something to drink?

MARTIN

Thanks, just a beer.

DAPHNE

A beer? Are you sure that's wise?

MARTIN

Absolutely. If it makes me feel worse, it'll be worth it for a while. It's the same as volunteering for science experiments, the money's worth it until you start to grow a hand from your forehead and some sort of tail from your nipple. The things I did to pay for my kids to go to college.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY SITS IN HIS CHAIR. DAPHNE RE-ENTERS WITH A BEER AND A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE

DAPHNE

Why is there a roll of toilet paper in the fridge? You're not starting to loose your marbles are you? It's hard enough having a conversation with you now.

MARTIN

Why do you think it's in there?

DAPHNE

It's not one of Dr. Crane's new delicacy's I presume. He'll freak out if he sees this. You know what he's like about food in the bathroom. Do you have any idea what his reaction will be to the bathroom in the fridge?

MARTIN

Well it's beginning to hurt. I thought it might help. And it's not as if I'm getting the water for the coffee machine from down the toilet and relieving myself in the fridge.

DAPHNE

Thank God the boys took after their mother. Can I talk to you about something? It's important.

MARTIN

Shouldn't you be talking with Frasier instead then? He's better at things like this then I am. He knows all the right words. I just know how to buy the right ice-cream.

DAPHNE

I need someone who isn't going to analyse and make fun of me.

MARTIN

Point taken. Sure, what is it?

DAPHNE

I think Niles is having an affair.

MARTIN

(TRIES TO LAUGH) What? Daphne don't be ridiculous.

DAPHNE

I'm not. I seriously think that he's having an affair with... this is so hard to say. With Roz.

MARTIN

Roz? Now I know you've been drinking some sort of drain cleaner. It's melted your brain and sent you screwy.

DAPHNE

Just hear me out. Have you noticed how much time they're spending together recently? If I didn't know any better I'd say they were handcuffed together.

MARTIN

Daphne I've spent about ninety percent of the last twenty-fours hours sitting on the toilet asking God what I've done to deserve this stomach bug, so no I haven't.

DAPHNE

He abandoned me at our anniversary dinner to go to a bar with her for a drink. At least that's what he bumbled around and eventually made up. He had trouble thinking up a good lie. I'm surprised he didn't say he was in the park poking a badger with a wooden spoon.

MARTIN

Don't jump to conclusions Daph. Maybe he was just suffering from some memory loss and couldn't remember what they did or maybe he blacked out.

DAPHNE

Then there was yesterday morning. They were having a bonding day? They despise one another except for when they're hurling insults. And Niles went to an aerobics class? Niles breaks out into a sweat at the thought of breaking out into a sweat. Then yesterday afternoon I called him at his office and she's there again. We didn't go out last night because he was taking her to the zoo. Does this sound normal?

MARTIN

Well they have been getting closer recently. But it's just friendship that's all.

DAPHNE

She was in his bedroom this morning. They couldn't have looked any guiltier if I'd have actually caught them with his pants around his ankles trying to maintain his balance on the island.

MARTIN

Daphne this is crazy talk. Niles has been in love with you since the moment he laid eyes on you. He's no more capable of having an affair then...

DAPHNE

You wife was?

MARTIN LOOKS VERY UPSET AT THIS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that. I apologise. But what about Lilith being capable of having an affair for that matter? At least an underground Eco-pod was a plausible excuse.

MARTIN

I know this looks a bit incriminating, but I'll put money on there being another reason behind it.

MARTIN GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR

DAPHNE

So what do I do now?

MARTIN

Talk to him. Call him. You'll see nothing's going on. Trust me. (TO HIMSELF) At least it better not be or I'll kill him.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM. DAPHNE SITS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PICKING UP THE PHONE AND DIALLING NILES' APARTMENT.

ROZ

(OVER THE PHONE) Hello? Hello? There's no one there.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE, BEFORE SLUMPING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND STARTS TO SOB TO HERSELF AS WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Chuck, Lois)

FRASIER SITS DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS NILES AND ROZ ENTER

ROZ

I really need to teach you how to lie properly. Life will be so much easier for you. And it'll save you one of these days from having a complete mental meltdown and saying you were late home from work because a burglar duct taped your to the ceiling fan when you were actually in the wine shop with Frasier. Or doing something equally as wild like attending an Oboe recital when you should be meeting up with Daphne and her drunken friends.

NILES

You're the one who said you wanted to borrow a pair of my pants. Why in God's name would you want to do that? I think she knew you weren't about to star in a revival of Victor/Victoria. Anyway don't you keep a pair of pants from every man that you sleep with as a token and as a reminder of nights you can't remember? I bet you've got enough now to clothe the entire United States Air Force. Or rather most of them come from the armed forces. Learning about Jung was far more plausible.

ROZ

Hello I'm Roz Doyle I don't believe we've met. Why would I give a rat's ass about Jung when I switch off the moment Frasier mentions Freud on the show?

NILES

You could have suddenly had an interest in furthering your education, to impress a new beau, to start to analyse your own behaviour, to be more interesting at parties, to be able to answer more questions on 'Who Wants To be A Millionaire' how the hell should I know? I was nervous, it was still better then borrowing a pair of my pants. I'm just thankful you didn't say a pair of my underwear.

FRASIER

Do I want to know what's going on?

NILES

Not really.

NILES AND ROZ SIT DOWN WITH FRASIER AS LOIS ENTERS

FRASIER

Fair enough. Oh my God. It's Lois.

ROZ

Lois? Well go and get her Clark. Or does she know your secret identity is Superman? What's you super hero power? The ability to bore people to death?

NILES

Who on earth is Lois?

FRASIER

She's the women who's head I set on fire. Look the edge is still singed. Dear God you'd have thought she'd have changed wigs or at least glued a dead squirrel on her head to patch up the holes.

ROZ

Who's next on your dating list? Vikki Vale? Mary-Jane?

FRASIER

I have no idea what you're talking about. (SHOUTS) Hello Lois.

THE MOMENT LOIS SEES WHO IS CALLING HER A LOOK OF PANIC AND FEAR COMES ACROSS HER FACE AND SHE RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM

NILES

Oh yes I can see that you've dated her now. That panic stricken expression gives it away every time. That and the ever so slightly glossy glaze to her eyes. She's obviously on an extreme amount of sedatives.

ROZ

And she's quick as well. Look at her go. Like a whippet in heat.

NILES

Who knew a woman could run into the bathroom at such speed?

FRASIER

She might need it urgently.

NILES

Possibly. But then again women will go to all sorts of extremes to avoid you so I wouldn't put money on it. And those are just the ones that you don't set fire to.

FRASIER

She's just a little shy.

ROZ

And probably climbing out of the bathroom window as we speak before you set your flamer thrower on her.

FRASIER

It was an accident. It's not as if I was trying to start a campfire on her head out of spite. She'll be out in a moment I know she will. I feel as though I should offer to take her out one more time just to apologise.

NILES

I don't think she's interested Frasier.

FRASIER

How can you tell?

NILES

Because she's just run past the window outside.

ROZ

Never underestimate the appeal of the bathroom window escape.

NILES

It worked for Daphne.

FRASIER GETS UP AND RUNS TO THE DOOR

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Lois! Don't run away, I won't hurt you.

ROZ

Just let me gesture a little too violently and knock this scolding cup of coffee down your blouse before I impale you with the coat stand.

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN

FRASIER

That's not even the slightest bit amusing. Let's turn this conversation towards something more important have you produced that ring yet?

ROZ

No.

FRASIER

What's taking so long?

ROZ

There's too much pressure to deliver to start with. Things seize up when I'm nervous.

NILES

I knew we should have bought more Ex-Lax.

ROZ

Oh my God, that's what's wrong with Martin and Eddie. You tried to give me a tonne of laxative. (REALISING) The chocolate.

NILES

And? What's your point? It would have done you good to have your system completely cleared out. Some people pay fortunes for it.

ROZ STARTS TO SLAP BOTH FRASIER AND NILES

FRASIER

Don't you think it's time that you just tell Daphne what's been going on and propose?

NILES

I don't want to do that. I don't want her to know where the ring's been. Would you want to have it on your finger for the rest of your life knowing that?

FRASIER

Now you mention it, no I wouldn't. In fact I'd wear a rubber glove to propose in if I were you.

NILES

Exactly.

ROZ

Hey!

NILES

Although after the incident this morning, she knows something is going on. Maybe I should just propose without the ring in case she gets the wrong end of the stick.

FRASIER

I would. Then after you've proposed just tell her that the ring is on order and your expecting a special delivery any time now.

ROZ

Even if you go there and propose she's still going to want to know what's been going on.

NILES

You're right. I just might as well confess to everything. OK, I'm going to do it. I'm charged here. I'm going to propose, I am. Come on Roz.

THEY BOTH STAND TO LEAVE

FRASIER

She can't go with you.

ROZ

How I love men fighting over me. Or in your case men substitutes. But men substitutes would be women. How nice it is to have a couple of doily's fighting over me.

NILES

Why not?

FRASIER

Because we have a show to do. I'll blow myself up if I try to do it all on my own. I can barely pay attention to the people whining on the other end of the phone when that's all I have to do.

NILES

Can't you get someone else? I'll need Roz to back up my story.

CHUCK ENTERS AND WALKS UP BEHIND FRASIER

FRASIER

Like who for example?

ROZ

Chuck.

FRASIER

There is no way I'm using that man he...

ROZ

Chuck how are you?

CHUCK

Just fine Woz.

FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY

ROZ

That's good to hear.

CHUCK

Dr. Cwane, why are you waughing?

FRASIER

No reason.

NILES

Well we should be leaving. Chuck I think Frasier has something he would like to ask you.

CHUCK

All wighty.

NILES AND ROZ EXIT AS FRASIER CRINGES AND WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

TITLE CARD: 'MORE INNUENDO'S THEN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Niles, Roz, Daphne)

MARTIN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BUT NOT QUITE INTO THE ROOM AS MARTIN BLOCKS THE DOOR

MARTIN

(COLDLY) Oh it's you. What do you want?

NILES

To see Daphne.

MARTIN

Haven't you got a picture of her you can look at?

NILES

Well yes, but you know looking at the real thing is even better. Are you going to let us in through this door or do we have to climb the side of the building and enter through the terrace door? Because if that's the case I really must go home and get my safety harness and suction cups.

MARTIN

I guess I'll have to.

MARTIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND ALLOWS NILES AND ROZ IN THE ROOM

NILES

Dad what's wrong? Did I accidentally kick Eddie last time I was here and not notice? I don't remember seeing him fly across the room.

MARTIN

Nothing's wrong.

NILES

Did someone drink your last can of beer? Set fire to your chair? What?

MARTIN

No. Nothing.

ROZ

Something is obviously wrong.

MARTIN

Yeah but not with me.

MARTIN HEADS TOWARDS HIS ROOM

NILES

Where are you going?

MARTIN

Back to bed. I'm sick. (SHOUTS) Daphne, Niles is here.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM

ROZ

Are you happy? That could have been me. I could have felt that bad.

NILES

Well then you shouldn't have...

ROZ

If I hear that once more I'll cut out your tongue and eat it.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

NILES

How about you just leave my tongue alone right now.

DAPHNE

What are you two doing here?

NILES GETS DAPHNE TO SIT ON THE COUCH WHILE HE SITS OPPOSITE HER ON THE TABLE AND ROZ SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR

NILES

Daphne honey take a seat. There's something that I need to talk to you about. This is so hard to say because it's so long over due. I have a bit of a confession to make. Now this may come as a surprise and a shock but...

DAPHNE

Save it I already know what's been going on.

ROZ

(SURPRISED) You already know?

NILES

How did you find out?

DAPHNE

Do you honestly think that I'm stupid?

NILES

I was rather hoping that you'd be oblivious to the fact. I was all ready to confess everything but there's no need now. This is great.

DAPHNE BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY

DAPHNE

So you're admitting it. It's true? You're not even going to weasel your way out of it?

NILES

There's no point if you already know. I was going to lie to you about it and hope you never found out but Frasier convinced me to tell the truth.

DAPHNE

(SHOCKED) Dr. Crane knows about this as well.

ROZ

Yeah, he was there watching when it happened. In fact he helped pin my down.

DAPHNE

That's disgusting.

NILES

Well I guess it all depends on what angle you look at it from.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) How could you?

NILES

(POINTING AT ROZ) It's not my fault she did it.

DAPHNE

(TO ROZ) I thought you were my friend.

ROZ

Well I'm sorry but it was just so damn tempting I just had to wrap my tongue around it the moment I saw it.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) What?

ROZ

He's the one that had it out on display for all to see. If you do that you expect these things to happen. He should learn to put things away when he's finished using them.

NILES TRIES TO HUG DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Don't touch me. (SHOUTS) I can't believe you did this.

NILES

Don't blame me who knew she could fit so much in her mouth without choking?

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

What are you getting so upset with me for. I was looking the other way when she just rammed it in her mouth. By the time I'd got my breath back and was about to stop her she'd already swallowed. There was nothing that I could do then but wait until she's got it out of her system.

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE ONCE AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D)

Stop hitting me. It won't go on for much longer.

DAPHNE

You mean you're admitting it and it's not even over?

ROZ

Yes, why do you mind?

NILES

Daphne believe me, it won't go on for much longer. I'll be done with her as soon as I get what I want.

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM YET AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne my cheek is starting to go numb. What are you getting so upset for?

DAPHNE

If you can't understand that I think you should leave right now. (SHOUTS) I can't even look at you right now.

NILES

Daphne...

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) Just leave.

NILES

Well fine, if you don't even want to listen to my apologies then I'll just go. I only lied to you to save you from the scaring imagery of knowing where it's been.

DAPHNE

I don't want to hear any of the sordid details. Just leave. And don't hurry back. I may never forgive you for this.

NILES

Come on Roz.

NILES AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS INTO HER ROOM AND WE:

FADE OUT

(J)

FADE IN:

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne)

MARTIN LIES IN BED WITH A RATHER CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE AS DAPHNE ENTERS IN TEARS AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED

MARTIN

Daphne are you OK? I heard yelling. You were screaming so hard I thought you might drop a lung.

DAPHNE

No I'm not OK. I'm leaving.

MARTIN

Well take your raincoat with you. The weather guy says we should expect some rain. (TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD) Which means get your gondolas out. I guess that means Frasier will be singing in Italian more then usual. I know we'll order in tonight so you don't have to cook anything. You can put your feet up and relax.

DAPHNE

And that'll please Dr. Crane ordering junk food. (A BEAT) I mean I'm leaving Seattle.

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

I've called the airport, there's a plane with a few of empty seats that leaves in a couple of hours that will take me as far as Chicago. I have to get a connection from there back to Manchester.

MARTIN

But why?

DAPHNE

They've just admitted it. They just stood in front of me and admitted it as calm as anything.

DAPHNE BEGINS TO CRY EVEN HARDER AND MARTIN HUGS HER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

He wasn't even sorry he just kept blaming Roz. He didn't even have a reason for why he's done it. He's broken my heart into so many pieces and he doesn't even care. I loved him so much.

MARTIN

Now don't do anything hasty. Let's just think about this.

DAPHNE

I have thought about this.

MARTIN

Then please sleep on it. Things always look better in the morning.

DAPHNE

I wish I could. He's cheated on me a year after we got together. When we should have been celebrating our anniversary he was with her. I can't be around him right now. I want to go home.

MARTIN

Daphne please don't. I don't know what I'll do without you. What any of us will do without you. You're practically my daughter please don't leave.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry but me minds made up.

MARTIN

Well you call me as soon as you land. Let me know that you're all right.

DAPHNE

I'll write as soon as I get there. I don't want to phone in case he's here.

MARTIN

Well make sure that you do.

DAPHNE

I promise as soon as I get home.

MARTIN

But this is your home.

DAPHNE

Not any more.

MARTIN

I love you Daphne.

DAPHNE

I love you too Mr. Crane.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND GOES TO EXIT

MARTIN

Are you ever going to call me Martin?

DAPHNE

I hoped I would, but not now.

AS DAPHNE EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

(K)

FADE IN:

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — EARLY EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Niles)

MARTIN REMAINS LYING IN BED AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

That was probably the most tortuous three hours of my life. Chuck couldn't say anything without it making me descend into giggles. It didn't help the fact that I had three narcoweptic's call in. And yet he gets more jobs as MC at benefit dinners then I do. Sometimes I just don't understand the world today.

MARTIN

Why was he producing your show?

FRASIER

Because Roz was with Niles.

MARTIN

Oh yeah. Wasn't there a chimp you could use?

FRASIER

So how are you feeling? Dad have you been crying? I thought the toilet paper in the freezer would stop this. That's the only reason I let you keep it in there.

MARTIN

It's Daphne.

FRASIER

Has she made you do your exercises when you felt this bad? Where is she? Her Hitler attitude towards your exercises used to be quite amusing but not when you feel so bad.

MARTIN

Daphne's left.

FRASIER

What are you talking about?

MARTIN

Niles and Roz have been having an affair.

FRASIER

Don't be ridiculous.

MARTIN

There came here and admitted it to her.

FRASIER

They what?

MARTIN

They confessed. But she already had her suspicions.

FRASIER

That's not what they were confessing to. They've been spending so much time together because Roz ate the engagement ring Niles bought for Daphne. He's just been waiting to get it back.

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

He's been trying to propose for weeks, and then Roz ate the ring. The doctor at the emergency room said to just wait for it to come out naturally. So we tried to give her some Ex-Lax.

MARTIN

Oh my God that's what's wrong with Eddie and me.

FRASIER

It'll teach you to keep your hands to yourself. Just be thankful I didn't buy the extra strong brand. You'd have had no internal organs left if I had.

MARTIN

Oh no!

FRASIER

Oh relax, I'm sorry all right. You'll be fine tomorrow. At least you know now that Eddie isn't some sort of disease ridden, flea infested beast. Well we do actually know that, but the point is you didn't catch anything off him.

MARTIN

No you don't understand. Daphne's left. She's going home. She's gone to the airport.

FRASIER

What?

MARTIN

She thought they were having an affair. She thought they'd admitted it to her and they had a huge fight. She's going home.

FRASIER

Why didn't you call me?

MARTIN

You were doing your show and nothing would have changed her mind.

FRASIER

The truth might have. I've got to call Niles.

FRASIER GETS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(ON THE PHONE) Niles. Daphne's gone.

RESET TO:

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES IS STANDING BY THE DOOR JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE WITH HIS PHONE

NILES

She's not here, she told me she couldn't even look at me. I'm so hurt right now. I thought she would have understood but all she did was scream and slap me. I knew it was a mistake to tell her the truth.

FRASIER

(OVER THE PHONE) Niles, Daphne thinks you and Roz are having an affair. That's what she thought you were confessing.

NILES

Oh my God. Please tell me you set her straight. I'll be right over there.

FRASIER

(OVER THE PHONE) No Niles.

NILES

I want to see her.

FRASIER

(OVER THE PHONE) She's not here. She's gone to the airport to go back to Manchester.

NILES

What?

FRASIER

(OVER THE PHONE) She left while I was doing my show. If you're quick you may be able to catch her and explain.

NILES' SHOCKED EXPRESSION SHOWS IT ALL

NILES

OK I'm going.

FRASIER

(OVER THE PHONE) Flight AA24. Dad and I will meet you there now get going.

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND RUNS OUT OF HIS OFFICE AS WE:

FADE OUT

(L)

TITLE CARD: 'HE WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT IF THERE WAS A TINY MAN STRAPPED TO HIS BACK'

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT BOARDING AREA — EVENING — DAY/3
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Martin)

NILES AND ROZ ENTER THROUGH THE SECURITY SCANNER AND BEGIN TO RUN TOWARDS THE GATE. NILES ONCE AGAIN IS RUNNING IN HIS RATHER BIZARRE MANNER WITH HIS ARMS FLYING AROUND IN THE AIR

ROZ

Niles you run like some sort of constipated crab.

NILES

I'd shoot one right back at you, but I'm a little preoccupied.

THEY CONTINUE TO RUN THROUGH THE AIRPORT FOLLOWING THE SIGNS TO THE GATE WHERE HER PLANE WAS TO LEAVE FROM

ROZ

Turn left. Gate K4.

NILES DOES AS ROZ SAYS AND RUNS DOWN THE LEFT HAND SIDE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLE THERE IS A WOMAN WHO SETS HER BAGS DOWN NEXT TO HER ON THE FLOOR AS SHE BENDS DOWN TO TIE HER SHOE LACE. NILES AND ROZ RUN TOWARDS HER AT FULL SPEED WITH NILES LEADING. HE HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE WOMAN BUT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO JUMP OVER HER AND HER BAGS AND KEEPS GOING. ROZ ON THE OTHER HAND IS NOT SO LUCKY AND FALLS OVER HER BAGS AND ENDS UP IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR. NILES HEARING THE COMMOTION STOPS AND TURNS.

ROZ

What are you doing? Get going I'll catch you up.

NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND CARRIES ON TOWARDS THE GATE AT THE VERY END. WHEN HE ARRIVES NO ONE IS THERE AND THE PLANE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE GATE. HE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT. THERE ARE SEVERAL PLANES WAITING TO TAKE OFF AND HE JUST STARES AFTER THEM NOT KNOWING WHICH ONE SHE'LL BE ON. FINALLY AS ROZ ALONG WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN APPROACH HE SITS DOWN AND PLACES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. ROZ WALKS TOWARDS HIM TO COMFORT HIM BUT NILES JUST WAVES HER AWAY WANTING TO BE LEFT ALONE. ROZ DOES AS SHE IS TOLD AND MOVES AWAY TO STAND WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN. ROZ, FRASIER AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY BEFORE APPROACHING HIM.

NILES

What have I done? The most wonderful thing to ever happen in my rotten little existence and I blow it.

FRASIER

You haven't done anything and as soon as she realises that and how much you love her she'll be back.

NILES

But what if she doesn't?

MARTIN

Oh come on son, look at the bright side.

NILES

And that would be?

MARTIN

You hurdled that woman like a Kentucky Show horse.

NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AT HIM IN BEWILDERMENT. AS FRASIER WRAPS AN ARM AROUND NILES AND HELPS HIM OUT OF HIS SEAT AND ON THE LONG WALK BACK TO THE CAR WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THROUGH THE DARKNESS THE SHAPE OF NILES CAN BE MADE OUT LYING UNDER THE PIANO.

END OF SEASON EIGHT