And finally I reach the season finale! Brace yourselves it's a long one.
I want to start by thanking everyone who has given me their support over the course of the season. I'm not very good at responding to e-mail's so I'll take this opportunity. Special thanks to everyone who sent me feedback: My one and only bad boy Crofty, Charlotte Etchells, Elaine Gretchell, Daniela Grech, Marissa (the number one pest in the world), Beryl Marsh, Tim Shaw, Chep, Danielle, Sarah, Sally, Theresa Muir, Joyce Hackney, Susie Tobin, Laura Brown, Erin Christine, Silva, Eve, Becky, Mumbles125, Mindy Negron, La Chanse, Kate (Niles the pot plant), Lydia Gardner, CJ, Meredith, BarretM82A1, Marita Linde, Joy, Heather Davidson, Woolf, Diana Earle, Laura A, Dulcey, Buffy3335, Stargirl, Debs, Kelly, Mystical1735, Gillian Earthy, Daphne441, Olli Ritvanen, Casey, Megan Taxler, Norah Molina, Dan, Violet, Elizabeth, Misti Badgett.
I've wanted to write this one since March when I first came up with the idea. As always I will be extremely grateful for all feedback received so send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com and gain free entry into a competition to have the entire cast of Frasier come to your house and perform an episode of your choice (Note. Prize may not actually be real).
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Four
Every Girl Should Be Married
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEES WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION
FRASIER
So anyway after they eventually managed to put out the fire, I could detect that she wasn't particularly interested in a second date. The fact that she flinched and backed away every time I came near her tipped me off. That and she was still smouldering and I don't think that was from the fire.
NILES
Are you surprised? You set fire to her hair. She'd be terrified about what you were going to do next if that was an indication of a growing love for her. What would you do if you didn't like her? Mace her and remove her kidney's with an ice-cream scoop?
FRASIER
It wasn't technically her hair. It was a wig after all. Mind you as soon as I discovered that it was a wig I wasn't particularly interested in that seconded date either. Fair enough, a bad comb over is just about acceptable when it's your own hair but when it's a wig and on a woman, there's a kisser you don't want to touch with a ten-foot pole.
NILES
Did that effectively get you banned from Chez Henry?
FRASIER
I hope not. I may begin to have severe withdrawals and develop the shakes if I don't get a regular intake of his Lobster Comfit. It's more additive then an illegal drug. And it wasn't my fault anyway. If she hadn't sprayed that much aerosol spray on it in the first place, none of this would have happened. That head was ready to combust at the drop of a hat. But at the same time that spray made her head so hard she could break one of those blocks with it that they use when giving a karate demonstration. She nearly knocked me out when we banged heads as we awkwardly kissed each other hello. I'm surprised I don't have concussion or some internal bleeding.
NILES
You're never one to over react. I guess that means that you'll be in tonight?
FRASIER
No I won't, I told you I'd make myself scarce and I will be true to my word.
NILES
I have to apologise once again for driving you from your home like this, but after that tiny explosion in my kitchen I don't have any alternative.
FRASIER
Tiny explosion? It was a four-alarm fire. They not only had to evacuate everyone from your building, but everyone on the block. For heavens sake they were broadcasting hourly updates from the scene on CNN for two days.
NILES
That's a slight exaggeration. It was one day and the Larry King special and you know it.
FRASIER
What did you do to it anyway?
NILES
It wasn't me it was Daphne. She went at the oven with a hammer because...
FRASIER
Wait what are you doing with a hammer in your apartment? What's next a pair of jeans and a hat made from beer cans? It won't be long before you've got your hand down your trousers while belching the alphabet to entertain Dad and his buddy's during a Monster Truck Rally.
NILES
That's hardly likely. Daphne carries one around in her purse.
FRASIER
For any particular reason? Or is it another thing about her that we choose to find charming rather then alarming and you choose to find a turn on?
NILES
She has it in case we ever get attacked on the street. You know how dangerous it's getting out there what with gang violence and mopeds coming at you from all angles. She wanted something to protect us since Dad advised against getting a gun and I...
FRASIER
Have all the fighting ability of a narcoleptic fruit fly?
NILES
No I was going to say and I have these damn week calves.
FRASIER
I see. Well anyway back to your story.
NILES
As I was saying she went at it with a hammer because she thought the temperature gage was off as it keeps sending everything she cooks in there to the depths of hell.
FRASIER
Niles is all fairness, not even the Pope himself could prevent Daphne's cooking from suffering that fate. You'd have to boil it in Holy Water and get every exorcist in the Washington State area to work their magic on it. Either way I wouldn't get my hopes up.
NILES
I appreciate your clearing out anyway Frasier because I've decided that tonight is the night.
FRASIER
(CONFUSED) For what?
NILES
(SARCASTICALLY) To creosote the fence, what do you think I mean?
FRASIER
Firstly I'd like to know how you know anything about creosoting fences.
NILES
Dad was watching a DIY show the other day on cable. I'm going to... well you know.
FRASIER
No I don't.
NILES
(TRYING TO POINT HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION) What I've been trying to do for the last few weeks.
FRASIER
Find pants to compliment those new wing tips? Good luck. I'd recommend giving them to a church bizarre but I wouldn't want you to inflict them on anyone else.
NILES LOOKS AROUND HIM BEFORE HE SPEAKS
NILES
(QUIETLY) No, good God man, I'm going to propose to Daphne.
FRASIER
Oh well why didn't you just say so?
NILES
Someone may have been listening.
FRASIER
Who? This is not Russia. The walls don't have ears. There's no KGB lurking in the corner.
NILES
I've kept this quiet so long I don't want her to find out about it now, before I have the chance to pop the question.
FRASIER
Yes and if all goes right it won't be the only thing you'll be popping tonight.
NILES
You spend way too much time with Roz.
FRASIER
Well congratulations anyway Niles.
NILES
Thankyou. I think I've finally overcome my fear of rejection. I'm still petrified that she'll say no to point of soiling myself but the night sweats, vomiting and black outs are only happening every other day now. So I think that's a good sign that I'm ready to face my fear and ask her.
FRASIER
(RATHER TAKEN ABACK) Well...that sounds fine. What man doesn't black out while driving their car on the freeway before they propose? What other sign do you need to prove that you are ready? To actually see her face appear in a tortilla?
NILES
Now that you mention it, my bran muffin did share an uncanny resemblance...
FRASIER
Stop that sentence right there before I'm forced to have you committed. Anyway its certainly good news to hear, everything will be fine, trust me.
NILES
I just want to try to make this evening as special as humanly possible, as after all it was one year ago today.
FRASIER
What? That you got married?
NILES
I meant that Daphne and I got together but you just had to bring it up didn't you?
FRASIER
I'm your brother it's my job to torture you and to point out shocking impulse wingtip purchases. I'm serious burn those shoes.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER, DRINK THEIR COFFEE AND STARE AT NILES' SHOES WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND?'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz)
THE ROOM IS PREPARED FOR A ROMANTIC INTIMATE EVENING, WITH THE TABLE BEAUTIFULLY SET, A ROARING FIRE, CANDLES SCATTERED ABOUT EVERYWHERE AND SI, MI CHIAMANO MIMI PLAYING SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. NILES FUSSES ABOUT STRAIGHTENING THINGS THAT HE'S ALREADY DONE SEVERAL TIMES AS FRASIER STANDS BY THE KITCHEN AND WATCHES HIM TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN.
NILES
Frasier, quick while Daphne's in her bedroom.
NILES GETS OUT THE RING BOX FROM HIS POCKET, OPENS IT AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE IN FRONT OF FRASIER
NILES (CONT'D)
How does it look from this angle?
FRASIER
Very nice Niles. Although I'm still going to have to say no. Firstly because it's incest, secondly because if medical science did move leaps and bounds think what our children would turn out like and thirdly because I just don't find you attractive.
NILES GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN
NILES
You're just making me more nervous and I don't particularly want to vomit on your shoes.
FRASIER
That makes two of us.
NILES
Now seriously how does it look?
FRASIER
Niles you could give it to her in the belly of a dead fish and she would still say yes although I'd seriously advise against it.
NILES
I know but I want to make this as special as possible. I did after all witness her last proposal if you'll remember. This has to be perfect.
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WEARING HIS COAT
MARTIN
Right I'm going. Have a good night boys.
NILES
Thanks Dad, goodnight.
MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Have you told Dad?
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM UNNOTICED BY NILES UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT
NILES
No. I didn't want to risk it considering how close they are. I thought that there was always a chance that he might let it slip at this late stage to... (SHOUTS) Daphne darling!
NILES QUICKLY HIDES THE RING BOX BEHIND HIS BACK AND PASSES IT ALONG TO FRASIER WHO SLIPS IT IN HIS POCKET
DAPHNE
That was a frightening hello. I was only in my bedroom not setting up a base camp at the South Pole and wrestling Polar Bears with my bare hands. How's dinner coming along?
NILES
Perfect.
DAPHNE PICKS UP A PAIR OF EARRINGS OFF THE ISLAND AND STARTS TO PUT THEM ON
DAPHNE
Are you off out now Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
I will be shortly, to leave you two to celebrate in peace.
DAPHNE
Well don't rush yourself. This is your place after all.
FRASIER
I won't.
DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO HER ROOM AS FRASIER GIVES NILES THE RING BACK
NILES
(PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR) Ok now get out.
FRASIER
Niles I think you need a stiff drink. I'll get the sherry.
NILES
What if she says no?
FRASIER STARTS TO POUR THEM BOTH A DRINK
FRASIER
I'd better make that a brandy. She's not going to say no. You're just trying to think up an excuse to back out again. And as much as I love Daphne I don't want her still living here when she's eighty with you popping around once a week for a conjugal visit. You're letting this fear of rejection rule your life.
NILES
I am not. It doesn't rule it just dominates and almost smothers. Anyway I happen think a bear and a broken finger are good excuses to chicken out at the last minute due to an overwhelming fear of rejection.
FRASIER
But there was no bear.
NILES
There could have been a bear, but no the glass is always half empty for you isn't it Mr. Negativity.
FRASIER HANDS HIM HIS DRINK
FRASIER
Here drink this before you hyperventilate.
NILES KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK IN ONE AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO SPEAK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
It's actually a nice little brandy to sit and savour when you feel a little... (NOTICING NILES' EMPTY GLASS) never mind. I take it your new liver is already on order.
NILES
Can I have another?
NILES PUTS THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND RATHER HURRIEDLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
IN THE KITCHEN THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS COOKING ON THE STOVE AND IN THE OVEN. NILES ENTERS AND GOES STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT TWO DESSERTS AS FRASIER ENTERS. NILES PLACES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER, PULLS OUT THE RING FROM THE BOX AND PLACES IT AROUND THE CHERRY ON ONE OF THE DESSERTS.
FRASIER
What are you doing now?
NILES
Going ahead with plan B.
FRASIER
And that would be what?
NILES
I'm going to propose over dessert. If I do it any sooner this dinner will go to waste and with any luck be smeared all over our backsides.
FRASIER
I don't need the image. I have to eat off that table.
NILES
Point taken. So anyway when I bring it out, the moment she looks down she'll be face to face with the ring.
FRASIER
What a novel idea in a sort of idiotic, desperate way.
NILES
I think so.
SFX: DOORBELL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO OPEN IT. ENTER ROZ
FRASIER
Hi Roz, come on in.
ROZ
Hi Frasier. You ready to go?
FRASIER
Just a minute. I have to sedate Niles first.
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
NILES
Hi Roz. Are you two going out together?
ROZ
Yeah, Alice is with her Grandmother for the weekend, and Frasier's free since his arson attempt on that woman's head so we're going to the movies. But I'm fully on guard. I've got a fire extinguisher in my purse and 911 on speed dial on my phone.
FRASIER
I didn't do it on purpose. I just happened to be making a very good point about Brechtian theatre, and gestured a little too forcefully. That candle should have been nailed to the table in my opinion. If you ask me it was just an accident waiting to happen. So are you going to be all right if I leave you now? You're not going to crawl up into a ball under the piano are you? I haven't cleaned under there for a while. You may get attacked by a few dust bunnies.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM ONCE AGAIN UNSEEN BY NILES
NILES
I'll be fine I have done this before you know.
DAPHNE
Done what before? Hi Roz.
NILES
Got my finger caught in the lemon zester.
DAPHNE
Oh are you all right?
NILES HELPS DAPHNE WITH A NECKLACE THAT SHE HAS BROUGHT OUT WITH HER
NILES
I'll be fine. I still have nine working fingers.
DAPHNE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT HURRIEDLY INTO THE KITCHEN. ROZ SEEING THE SPEED IN WHICH THEY MOVE ALSO EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AFTER THEM TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER. NILES OPENS UP THE OVEN DOOR AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER PEER IN AS ROZ NOTICES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER
NILES (CONT'D)
Do you think this is almost done?
UNSEEN BY FRASIER AND NILES, ROZ PICKS UP A SPOON AND SCOOPS OFF THE CREAM AND THE CHERRY FROM OFF ONE OF THE DESSERTS AND EATS IT
FRASIER
I'd give it another five minutes.
NILES CLOSES THE OVEN AND THEN SUDDENLY NOTICES WHAT ROZ HAS DONE
NILES
Roz what are you doing?
ROZ
I'm sorry, here let me replace it.
ROZ GOES TO GET SOME MORE CREAM FROM THE FRIDGE
NILES
Where's the ring?
ROZ
Where's what ring?
NILES
Daphne's engagement ring, it was on top of the cream.
ROZ
(THRILLED) You're getting engaged? Oh congratulations.
NILES
Yes isn't it great, now if you'll kindly regurgitate the ring all will be right with the universe.
FRASIER
Oh my God. Quick check her mouth.
FRASIER TAKES HOLD OF ROZ'S ARMS AND HOLDS HER STILL AS NILES USES HIS FINGERS TO PRISE OPEN HER MOUTH AND PEERS INSIDE
FRASIER
Be careful Niles.
NILES
It's OK it was only a few weeks ago that I had a tetanus shot. And I don't think she has rabies.
ROZ
Get off me.
NILES
No, it might have got stuck on a tooth. Dear God when's the last time you flossed?
FRASIER
Niles, focus.
NILES
I can't see. I need some sort of flare. Oh you won't feel a thing, don't worry. All you'll see is a bright light, just walk towards it and don't look back.
FRASIER PASSES HIM A FIRE LIGHTER
FRASIER
Here use this.
ROZ TRIES TO SHAKE HER HEAD AT THE SIGHT OF THE FIRE LIGHTER
NILES
Oh calm down you won't combust. Unless of course you've been gargling with lighter fluid again.
NILES FINALLY GIVES UP AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER LET ROZ GO
ROZ
(HOLDING HER THROAT) I ate a ring?
NILES
No, not just a ring. You've just eaten a twenty-five thousand dollar diamond engagement ring.
FRASIER
(GOB SMACKED) You spent twenty-five thousand dollars on it?
NILES
I told you it was expensive.
FRASIER
But you didn't tell me you could have either bought that ring or stopped third world hunger. We need to have a discussion about your priorities.
ROZ
(BEGINNING TO PANIC) Oh my God
NILES
Yes suddenly for the first time in your life you don't feel so cheep do you Roz.
ROZ
Don't take this out on me.
NILES
What else do you expect me to do? You ate it.
ROZ
Well how was I to know, what on earth possessed you to put an engagement ring on food?
NILES
I was trying to be romantic.
ROZ
Oh yes very romantic, not many people would think of giving their fiancée an engagement tracheotomy.
FRASIER
There is no use fighting, Niles you can still propose, you'll just have to explain the situation.
NILES
Good idea but I think when I try to wrap Roz around her finger it may break it. Here, let me see if I can hear it.
NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PRESSES HIS EAR UP AGAINST ROZ'S STOMACH AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STUMBLES ACROSS THE SCENE. EVERYONE FREEZES WHEN SHE WALKS IN UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY
DAPHNE
What are you doing?
NILES
Have you ever noticed how cuddly Roz is?
FRASIER
Oh yes you're right.
FRASIER COMES UP BEHIND ROZ AND HUGS HER AS THEY ALL START TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH IN A BIZARRE LOOKING GROUP HUG
DAPHNE
You two have been at the sherry again haven't you?
DAPHNE PUTS SOME BREAD ROLLS IN THE OVEN BEFORE SHE EXITS AS THE OTHER THREE CONTINUE TO HUG. THE MOMENT DAPHNE IS OUT OF THE ROOM THEY BREAK.
NILES
Right that's it I want that ring back.
NILES GETS A LADLE FROM OFF THE ISLAND AND LUNGES AT ROZ'S STOMACH, BUT SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER WHO STANDS BETWEEN THEM
NILES (CONT'D)
Get out of the way Frasier. I'm not frightening to ladle you as well. Your pancreas will be flying across the room before you can even say the word 'pademelon'.
ROZ
Why would he even say that in this current situation?
NILES
Well how am I supposed to know how his brain works? I don't often give cat scans as Christmas presents since I divorced Maris.
FRASIER
I'll let you in on a secret my brain works significantly better then the brain of the village idiot who would normally say 'pademelon' in this situation. The trick to telling the difference is that village idiots don't wear Armani and instead spend their time chewing straw and falling backwards off fences.
NILES
Oh fine then before you can say the word 'ring'. The point is if you don't get out of the way your pancreas will be flying across the room before you have a chance to say anything. Whether the word makes sense in this current situation or not.
FRASIER
Will you calm down! This isn't going to solve anything.
NILES
This was supposed to be the most wonderful evening of my life, and now it's ruined because you can't keep your hands to yourself.
NILES LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ AGAIN BUT AGAIN SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM
ROZ
Here use this ring pull instead. She might not notice the difference if you keep the lights down low.
NILES LOOSES ALL CONTROL AND MAKES ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO LADLE ROZ WITH FRASIER STILL PROTECTING HER
FRASIER
Niles put the ladle on the floor now. OK, that's right. Now just kick it over here to me.
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY PUTS THE LADLE ON THE FLOOR AND KICKS IT OVER TO FRASIER
NILES
Fine take the ladle, I'll see what success I have with a whisk.
NILES GRABS A WHISK FROM OFF THE COUNTER AND ONCE AGAIN LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ'S STOMACH BEFORE FRASIER TAKES IT OFF HIM
FRASIER
Niles stop it. Now this is just a delay. I'll take Roz to the emergency room, they'll give her a stomach pump, you'll have your ring back tonight, crisis averted.
ROZ
There's no way that I'm ever having something that big rammed down my throat.
FRASIER
Since when?
NILES
OK but I'm going too.
FRASIER
There's no need.
NILES
She has twenty-five thousand dollars inside her. Do you honestly think I'm not going to go?
FRASIER
Oh all right fine, let's go.
FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ALL EXIT FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES DRAGGING ROZ BY HER ELBOW
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
AS NILES AND FRASIER GET THEIR COATS AND ROZ PICKS UP HER PURSE FROM THE TABLE BY THE DOOR DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Niles where are you going?
NILES
I just have to nip out for a while with Roz and Frasier. I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Love you.
FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ START TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
But what about...
THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT AS DAPHNE IS LEFT ALONE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
...dinner?
AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND STARES AT THE EMPTY APARTMENT WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM CUBICLE — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Roz, Frasier, Doctor)
ROZ SITS ON THE BED IN THE CUBICLE WEARING ONE OF THE HOSPITAL GOWNS AS FRASIER SITS IN THE CORNER AND NILES PACES ABOUT THE ROOM FRANTICALLY
NILES
This is ridiculous. What is taking that doctor so long? All we wanted to know is where it is and what they can do about it, not a full appraisal of the ring. You haven't eaten any other jewellery today, that he'll get it confused with have you?
ROZ
Surprisingly no I haven't, I didn't want to chip a tooth.
NILES
We could start to hire you out as some sort of security box for the extremely paranoid.
FRASIER
Niles will you calm down. I know we're in the emergency room, but you don't have to hyperventilate, pass out and crack your head open to celebrate that fact.
NILES
This was supposed to be the most magical night of my life. I'd have done it by now. I should be engaged. I should be having sex right now.
ROZ
No one's stopping you. There's a cup and a rubber glove outside on the nurse's station if you're that desperate. I promise I won't look.
NILES
But no, instead of having the heavenly scent of cherry bark and almond intoxicating me and sending me to heaven I have the smell of a former patients unfortunately timed bowel movement wafting up my nose and making me feel nauseous.
ROZ
Oh big deal, so you have to spend the next what? Three minutes here instead, and I'm being very generous there. It won't kill you. And anyway I'm the one forced to sit on the stain, it's an even stronger smell from here.
FRASIER
It's starting to make my eye's water.
NILES
This is a nightmare.
ROZ
Get a grip. I'm the one who ate a ring. I'm the one who could die at any moment.
NILES
Some how I don't think I'm that lucky.
FRASIER
Oh you are not going to die. Taking into consideration how much that ring cost I doubt very much that the gold paint will wear off and release a procession of toxins into your blood stream. But just to be on the safe side, are all your affairs in order?
NILES
I'm sure they are. Her affairs are all in order according to how long it lasted, whether she sustained any carpet burn during the act and if they bought her dinner.
ROZ
Hey. Every one of them has bought me dinner I'll have you know.
FRASIER
I meant her financial affairs Niles.
ROZ
Oh great between the pair of you, you make me sound like a hooker.
FRASIER
I'm sorry I'm only trying to help.
ROZ
By telling me that I might die because of this?
THE DOCTOR ENTERS CARRYING AN EX-RAY
DOCTOR
And I'm back.
NILES
You'll forgive us if we don't applaud.
DOCTOR
And how are we all doing?
ROZ
Just fine. I love these gowns, I don't have my ass hanging out and blowing in the breeze in public nearly enough as I should do.
FRASIER
As you'll notice we're experiencing a Prozac shortage.
NILES
And that she's never had an etiquette lesson.
THE DOCTOR PINS UP THE EX-RAY FOR ALL TO SEE AND THE RING CAN QUITE CLEARLY BE SEEN
DOCTOR
Well I have your x-ray back and everything seems to be fine.
ROZ
Except I'll have a parade of people squinting like Popeye holding a shot glass trying to appraise my stomach.
DOCTOR
The ring does not appear to be lodged anywhere so we see no need to surgically remove it.
NILES
So what, you're just going to ram your arm down her throat and pull it out? I don't want a piece of trachea snagged on that diamond.
DOCTOR
And you went to medical school you say? I've consulted with another doctor on call tonight and we see no need to offer any assistance to the ring on its journey.
NILES
On its journey? It's somewhere in her digestive system not making its annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land.
DOCTOR
We suggest that you just wait for it come out naturally.
NILES
Then there'll be no need for me to wrap it up in pretty paper it'll already be handsomely presented when I get it back.
DOCTOR
May I suggest that you boil it before giving it to your fiancée?
FRASIER
Thanks for the tip.
NILES
Boil it? I'll run it through the dry cleaners and the dishwasher.
DOCTOR
Well good luck.
THE DOCTOR GOES TO LEAVE
ROZ
Wait that's it?
DOCTOR
Unless you've swallowed anything else while I was out of the room, yes. Just be patient and let nature take its course.
NILES
Can't you give her anything?
DOCTOR
I'm sorry no, now if you'll excuse me, I have to deal with Mrs. Alderwick in the next cubicle who accidentally used super glue instead of denture adhesive on her false teeth. I'm not even going to ask why she stuck them to her breast; all I know is that it's got something to do with a pogo stick, space boots and a wombat.
THE DOCTOR EXITS
NILES
I told you we should have taken her to one of those back alley surgeons. We'd have had it back within three minutes and they'd have stitched her back up for free.
FRASIER
I know but there was always a chance that they'd remove one of her vital organs to sell as well while she was unconscious. And they don't use a general anaesthetic. They just bash you around the head with a breezeblock from a construction site. You then have to go to the hospital to stop the internal cranial bleed. So in the end what's the point?
ROZ
Would you boys mind stepping outside so I can get dressed?
FRASIER
Not at all. You've flashed us enough for one day. Now we can both join the 'I've seen Roz's behind club'. I hope they have room for us at that sports stadium they normally meet at.
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT FROM THE CUBICLE AS ROZ THROWS HER SHOE AT THEM
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND PULL THE CURTAIN SHUT BEHIND THEM
NILES
What do we do? I want that ring, I can't wait much longer or I'll back out again.
FRASIER
What do you suggest?
NILES
Can't we help it on the way?
FRASIER
And how do you suggest we do that? Poke it through her lower intestine with a very long flexible stick? Or how about an extremely powerful enema with a vacuum cleaner hose? Either way neither of us are strong enough to hold her down to do it.
NILES
We'll just give her a bottle of laxatives.
FRASIER
She'll never do that. But if she doesn't know it might work. We could get some of that laxative chocolate. What's it called? Ex-Lax, that's it. She'll ram that down her neck and beg for more. And if we give her enough you'll have it back in a few hours.
NILES
Frasier you are a genius.
FRASIER
I know but I don't like to make a big deal about it.
NILES
Since when?
ROZ ENTERS FROM THE CUBICLE FULLY DRESSED
ROZ
OK I'm going home.
NILES
That's right home with me.
ROZ
Why?
NILES
I am not going to let you out of my sight while you have twenty-five thousand dollars inside you. I'm going to go everywhere with you until I get that ring back. You'll need constant supervision. When it does finally enter the world again I don't want it disappearing down the toilet and ending up as a toe ring for a rat. From now on everywhere that you go, I go.
NILES EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS ROZ AND FRASIER STARE AFTER HIM
ROZ
Oh joy, what fun. Kill me kill me now.
AS ROZ TRIES TO ESCAPE DOWN THE OPPOSITE END OF THE CORRIDOR TO NILES, FRASIER PUSHES HER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'WILLY WONKA AND THE LAXATIVE CHOCOLATE FACTORY'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Eddie)
FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BOTH LOOKING EXTREMELY TIRED AND GROUCHY
FRASIER
Good morning children. And how was your sleep over? Did you toast marshmallows, tell each other ghost stories and have a pillow fight? Or did you just paint your toenails and confess which boy from class you'd most like to kiss behind the bike shed?
ROZ
It was a nightmare. In fact nightmares aspire to this night.
NILES
At least you got some sleep. You see Roz has a tendency to talk in her sleep. Actually talk is an understatement. Letting out uncontrollable blood curdling screams would be more appropriate. Between that and the neighbours pounding on the wall yelling 'what the hell are you doing to her Crane you pervert?' I didn't get much sleep.
ROZ
That was still no reason to sit and watch me all night. You really gave me the creeps hovering over me like a vulture waiting to peck my eyes out. I wasn't going to pass the ring in the night, sneak out, sell it and live the high life in Rio you know.
NILES
I knew you were plotting something.
FRASIER
I'll get you both a coffee. Niles come and help me.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
Roz sit and don't move.
ROZ
The lack of trust on your part just startles me.
NILES
Good then maybe it'll startle the ring out of you.
ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER GETS A SMALL PLATE OF CHOCOLATE OUT OF THE FRIDGE AS NILES ENTERS
FRASIER
I got it, now all we have to do is get her to eat it.
NILES TAKES THE PLATE OFF FRASIER AND EXAMINES THE CHOCOLATE
NILES
That's actually a laxative? It looks so nice.
FRASIER
Well don't try any because the end result won't be.
NILES
I still can't believe this is happening. Why does God have such a grudge against me? (LOOKING UP AT THE HEAVENS) It was my parent's fault not mine that I didn't attend Sunday school. I'd have driven myself if I were tall enough to have reached the pedals and been able to see above the steering wheel.
FRASIER
Niles calm down it's just a couple of day's delay.
NILES
It's making me all the more nervous. I'd finally got to the stage where I would be able to ask her and not cringe as I think she'll say no. But I'm more terrified now then ever. Last night because I couldn't sleep I just stuffed myself with junk food.
FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH TO HIMSELF
NILES (CONT'D)
It's not funny.
FRASIER
Sorry I just remember Daphne telling me the same thing before you got married to Mel.
NILES
And you manage to bring it up again.
NILES ONCE AGAIN WANTING TO HELP HIS NERVES WITH JUNK FOOD PICKS A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE PLATE THAT HE'S STILL HOLDING AND TAKES A BITE FROM IT
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) Niles don't eat that!
FRASIER, ALONG WITH THE REALISATION OF WHAT HE IS EATING, STARTLES NILES AND CAUSES HIM TO JUMP AND DROP THE PLATE AND THE CHOCOLATE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. NILES THEN RUSHES TO THE SINK AND SPITS THE CHOCOLATE INTO IT. HE THEN PULLS OPEN THE FRIDGE DOOR AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF WATER. QUICKLY HE UNSCREWS THE CAP AND TAKES A BIG MOUTHFUL OF THE WATER AND BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH IT. AFTER A MOMENT HE SPITS OUT THE WATER IN THE SINK AND BEGINS TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY. THEY BOTH STARE AT THE CHOCOLATE ON THE FLOOR FOR A MOMENT.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh what the hell she'll pass it straight back out again anyway, what's a bit of dirt going to do?
THEY BOTH GET ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND PICK UP THE CHOCOLATE
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ STILL REMAINS WHERE THEY LEFT HER ON THE COUCH
ROZ
Don't eat what?
FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING THE PLATE OF CHOCOLATE WITH NILES CLOSE BEHIND
FRASIER
Eddie's dog food. Niles is a little tired and misread the label on the can. Somehow I don't think he'd like to feast on cow entrails, I don't think it will settle in his temperamental stomach. Although I'm not positive Daphne doesn't use that in some of her stews.
FRASIER AND NILES OFFER ROZ THE CHOCOLATE IN AN ALMOST IDENTICAL FASHION TO HOW THE WITCH OFFERS SNOW WHITE THE APPLE IN SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz would you like some chocolate?
ROZ
No thanks.
FRASIER
(PRACTICALLY HOLDING THE PLATE UNDER HER NOSE) Are you sure, I bought it especially for you?
ROZ
No I'm fine, I'm trying to watch my figure.
FRASIER
We can watch your figure while you eat the chocolate.
ROZ
No thankyou Frasier.
NILES
(SHOUTS) Eat the damn chocolate!
ROZ
Will you stop dictating what I can and cannot eat?
NILES
I'd have thought you would be grateful for the advice after your mistaken belief that diamond rings are actually a form of expensive upper class party mix.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM, SHE IS A LITTLE FROSTY TOWARDS THEM ALL IN HER TONE OF VOICE
DAPHNE
Oh hello I thought I heard some voices.
NILES
Good morning my love.
FRASIER PUTS THE CHOCOLATE ON THE DINNING TABLE AS NILES KISSES DAPHNE'S CHEEK
DAPHNE
Don't you think you owe me an apology?
NILES
(COMPLETELY BEWILDERED) Of course as soon as I can think of what to apologise for. I told you I'm working on the wiping down my chair thing.
DAPHNE
How about abandoning me last night on our anniversary for starters?
NILES
Ahh well I can explain that.
DAPHNE
I should hope so.
NILES
Well you see...
DAPHNE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE TABLE AND GOES TO EAT IT
NILES (CONT'D)
(SHOUTS) Daphne don't eat that!
DAPHNE
Why not?
NILES TAKES THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER AND PUTS IT BACK ON THE PLATE BEFORE TURNING HIS BACK ON DAPHNE AND OFFERING THE CHOCOLATE ONCE AGAIN TO ROZ
NILES
Because that's all for Roz. Now come on Roz eat your chocolate.
ROZ
I don't want any, how many more times do I have to tell you.
ROZ PUSHES THE PLATE AWAY AND THEN STANDS UP
NILES
Where are you going?
ROZ
To the bathroom.
NILES
Excuse me one moment Daphne.
NILES PUTS THE CHOCOLATE BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE AND USHERS ROZ AND FRASIER TO THE TOILET DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
(QUIETLY) Frasier you go in there with her.
FRASIER
(QUIETLY) Learn a little trust Niles.
NILES
(QUIETLY) You might need some help.
ROZ
(QUIETLY) Not for this I don't. There's very little he can do.
NILES
(QUIETLY) Go in there anyway.
ROZ
(QUIETLY) He is not coming into the bathroom with me.
FRASIER
(QUIETLY) I don't want to see that.
NILES
(QUIETLY) Fine use Frasier's bathroom he can wait outside the door.
ROZ
I'm beginning to wish they had cut me open and pulled it out.
FRASIER
That makes two of us.
ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO DAPHNE WHO DOESN'T LOOK IMPRESSED
DAPHNE
Do you mind telling me what's going on? Do you have any idea how I felt last night when you just ran out? You didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me what was happening.
NILES
I know and I'm sorry.
MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER FROM HIS ROOM AND START TO LISTEN
DAPHNE
That's it? You're sorry. Where did you go?
NILES
Erm... To the museum.
DAPHNE
At eight o'clock on a Saturday night?
MARTIN NOTICES THE CHOCOLATE, MOVES TOWARDS IT AND STARTS TO EAT IT WHILE STILL LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSATION
NILES
No I don't mean the museum. What's that word that sounds like museum? Bar. Off to a bar. Just out for a drink.
DAPHNE
And it didn't occur to you to ask me? Niles it was our anniversary. We should have been celebrating together.
NILES
Well you see... (SHOUTS) Dad!!
MARTIN
What?
NILES
Where has all the chocolate gone?
MARTIN
Oh don't pitch a fit, I'll buy you some more.
BEFORE MARTIN PUTS THE FINAL PIECE IN HIS MOUTH HE BREAKS IT IN HALF AND GIVES THE REST TO EDDIE
NILES
(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here!
FRASIER ENTERS RUNNING WITH ROZ STROLLING BEHIND HIM
FRASIER
What's the matter? What has been spilled and on what carpeted area? Do you have any idea how much sherry stains?
NILES
Dad and Eddie have just eaten all of Roz's chocolate.
FRASIER
Oh my God!
MARTIN
What's the big deal, I'll replace it. And with something that doesn't leave that chalky after taste. You'd think your Gourmet shops would have something a little better then that with the price they charge.
FRASIER
But it was for Roz. (SOTTO TO NILES) OK I need to buy him some incontinent underwear. Is there such a thing as a diaper for a dog?
NILES
(SOTTO) I hope for your sake there is.
FRASIER
(SOTTO) Well they make it for monkeys.
NILES
(SOTTO) Fine, now all you have to do is go to the Animal Diaper Super Store. I believe there's one in the Tacoma Mall, located right next to the food hall and Burt's World Of Birthday Barnacles.
ROZ
It doesn't matter Martin I didn't want any anyway. Right I'm going.
NILES
Where to?
ROZ
I have an aerobics class this morning.
NILES
OK let's go.
THEY BOTH MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Why are you going?
NILES
Erm...
FRASIER
(QUICKLY) Roz and Niles are having a bonding day.
NILES
That's right we're doing everything together today. Except picking up men obviously. Roz is going to go cold turkey today. But I've got a picture of a naked man in my pocket in case she starts to suffer from severe withdrawals and starts to twitch and lash out.
DAPHNE
So you're both going to squeeze into a spandex leotard and gig about until you've worked up a sweat?
MARTIN
Oh God.
FRASIER
What's the matter?
NILES
Is it your stomach?
MARTIN
No I just got an image of Niles doing that.
MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM
NILES
Come on Roz let's go. Bye guys.
NILES QUICKLY KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Niles and Roz are having a bonding day?
FRASIER
That's right. They've really become a lot closer of late.
FRASIER PICKS UP THE PLATE OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
I've started to notice that.
AS DAPHNE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND STARES BACK AT THE DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Eddie)
MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING EXTREMELY ILL WITH EDDIE ASLEEP BY HIS FEET AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED
MARTIN
I'm dying I know I am. You'll come back in later and find me decomposing with the neighbours banging on the wall complaining about the smell. You won't be able to check if I'm alive because the stench will be so bad it'll make you faint.
FRASIER
Oh you are not dying. The miserable one's always out live everyone else.
MARTIN
In that case you'll out live used diapers. Eddie's got it as well. Bury us side by side won't you?
FRASIER
Of course and I'll play the theme tunes from the 'Police Academy' movies and 'All Dog's Go To Heaven' as the casket's disappear behind the curtain and everyone bows their heads.
MARTIN
Hey I don't want to be cremated.
FRASIER
You'll be dead you won't have much choice. I'll even serve hot dogs at the wake. It'll be my idea of funeral edible irony.
MARTIN
How can I catch something this bad off a dog? He's not a dirty animal.
FRASIER
Are you forgetting that this is the same dog that licks the toilet seat if he's not drinking from it and has a habit of bringing home dead insects from the park?
MARTIN
I feel as sick as a dog.
FRASIER
Exactly. You've caught some sort of dysentery off Eddie. Is there a clearer indication that you should dispose of the little dog before he gives you anything fatal? Preferably dispose of him over the side of the balcony? That look in your eye suggests no. Or do you need to use the bathroom again?
SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS OFF THE BED, PICKS UP HIS LEAD IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE ROOM
MARTIN
Quick Eddie's got his lead.
FRASIER
Oh dear God again? How much more could you possibly have left in you? You don't eat much you have a tiny stomach. Can't we stop it some how?
MARTIN
What do you suggest? Inserting a cork?
FRASIER
Well we could, I'm sure his system won't backfire that much.
MARTIN
Frasier!
FRASIER
It's not as if he'll explode.
MARTIN
Frasier!
FRASIER
Fine no cork. It might fly out anyway and smash something antique and extremely valuable.
MARTIN
Just take him will you Frasier.
FRASIER PUTS THE LEAD ON EDDIE'S COLLAR
FRASIER
Haven't you ever encouraged him to use the toilet?
MARTIN
Encouraging people never turns out the way you think it will. I found that out the hard way.
FRASIER
What happened?
MARTIN
I encouraged you to speak. Boy has that decision blown up in my face.
FRASIER
Do you want me to take the little dog or not?
MARTIN
It's up to you, but remember it's your carpet he'll be soiling.
FRASIER
Come on young Edward.
FRASIER AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE HALL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
DAPHNE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR STARING OFF INTO SPACE WHEN FRASIER AND EDDIE ENTER AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Oh good Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you.
FRASIER
Can't it wait Daphne I'm kind of busy right now?
DAPHNE
Not really. It's about Niles. I really need to talk to someone please.
FRASIER LEAVES EDDIE BY THE DOOR AND SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR
FRASIER
All right Daph what is it?
DAPHNE
I know it seems silly but I'm worried about Niles and...
DAPHNE IS INTERRUPTED BY EDDIE WHO STARTS TO CRY AND SCRATCH THE DOOR
FRASIER
I'm sorry Daphne I really have to take him.
FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE'S LEAD AND THEY BOTH EXIT. DAPHNE CONTINUES TO SIT AND STARE INTO SPACE FOR A MOMENT. AFTER A MOMENT SHE GETS UP, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS
DAPHNE
(ON PHONE) Hello Mrs. Woodson. It's Daphne can I speak to Niles please. Thankyou. (A BEAT) Hello Niles.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
NILES SITS BEHIND HIS DESK IN FRONT OF A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK HOLDING THE PHONE WITH ROZ STRETCHED OUT ON HIS COUCH READING A MAGAZINE
NILES
Daphne? This is a surprise. (COVERING UP THE MOUTHPIECE AND WHISPERING) It's Daphne.
ROZ
I gathered that. I managed to crack your cryptic code. Never work for military intelligence, the enemy will see right through you.
NILES
(STILL COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) Be quiet, if she knows you're here, she'll think something is going on.
ROZ
Something is going on.
NILES
(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) I know but I don't want her to know that. (ON PHONE) Daphne honey, what can I do for you?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE STANDING BY THE ISLAND
DAPHNE
I still want to talk about what happened last night.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
NILES
I know and I'm sorry. I will make it up to you I promise. Starting by going out for an anniversary dinner. We can go wherever you like.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
A SMALL SMILE SLOWLY BEGINS TO APPEAR ACROSS DAPHNE'S FACE
DAPHNE
OK how about Au Pied du Cochon?
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) Perfect.
DAPHNE
Pick me up about seven?
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) Oh I can't go tonight.
DAPHNE
(GETTING ANNOYED AND UPSET) Why not?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
NILES
Because I've already made plans with Roz. We were going to go to the...to the...I've forgotten the word...to the...
ROZ
(BLURTS OUT) To the zoo.
NILES
(IMMEDIATELY) To the zoo.
ROZ FRANTICALLY WAVES HER ARMS AT NILES TO STOP HIM FROM SAYING THAT
ROZ
No don't say that.
NILES
(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) You may not have noticed but it's too late. And unless you've got a time machine or an ability to make the earth rotate on its axis we're in trouble.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE
(BEGINNING TO GET EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS) To the zoo? At night? With Roz? Alone? You seem to be spending an awful lot of time with Roz recently. Is there something going on that you're not telling me about?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
NILES
(GUILTILY) No. Of course not. Why would you think that?
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) No reason.
NILES
We may be able to go tomorrow night. I promise. Oh by the way I won't have time to drop that suitcase around to you tonight like I promised though.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE
Because you're too busy with Roz?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
NILES
Yes that's right. We have to get food for the petting zoo otherwise the animals tend to chew on your shoelaces. And I don't like anything chewing on my tassels. I'm very sensitive about that.
ROZ PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
ROZ
You are the worst liar in the history of bad liars.
NILES SHUSHES HER SO SHE IN TURN THROWS HER MAGAZINE AT HIM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE
I've got my keys. I'll get it tomorrow morning.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) OK. Maybe I'll see you then.
DAPHNE
All right, bye.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
NILES
Bye Daphne.
NILES GOES TO HANG UP THE PHONE BUT DOESN'T QUITE PUT THE RECEIVER DOWN PROPERLY CAUSING THE LINE TO STILL BE OPEN AND RESULTING IN DAPHNE BEING ABLE TO STILL HEAR EVERYTHING
NILES (CONT'D)
That's a close one she's starting to get suspicious. I don't know how much longer we can keep this secret.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE STILL STANDS HOLDING THE PHONE TO HER EAR GETTING MORE AND MORE UPSET THE MORE SHE HEARS
NILES (CONT'D)
(OVER THE PHONE) It can't continue for much longer.
ROZ
(OVER THE PHONE) Niles will you keep your hands off me!
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) I don't care I want it now. I can't wait any longer. It's on my mind twenty-four hours a day. I can't concentrate, it's all I think about. Do you have any idea how desperate I am to have it right now?
ROZ
(OVER THE PHONE) I'm beginning to.
DAPHNE THEN HANGS UP THE PHONE, SLAMMING IT DOWN, NOT WANTING TO HEAR ANYMORE AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(F)
TITLE CARD: 'A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE'
FADE IN:
INT. MONTANA ELEVATOR — MORNING — DAY/3
(Daphne, Man, Roz, Niles)
DAPHNE STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP ALONG WITH ANOTHER MAN. DAPHNE SPEAKS ON THE PHONE AND THE MAN CAN'T HELP BUT LISTEN
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) I'll pop into the pharmacy on the way home. But I'm not sure what else they can give you, other then something for that diaper rash. You could have fooled me. It looks like diaper rash to me. I'm your health care worker people expect me to know things like that. Oh what's your problem I won't tell anyone at McGinty's? Or down at the station. Or anyone for that matter. (COVERING THE MOUTH PIECE AND TALKING TO THE MAN) Are you good at keeping secrets?
MAN
My lips are sealed
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) They're not going to want to hear about your bowel movements. If I don't they sure as hell aren't going to want to. I'm here now, so I'll see you later. I told you, I'm using one of Niles' suitcases to take on vacation with me. OK, bye.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND DAPHNE EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ENTERS INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT. SHE THEN FISHES IN HER BAG FOR HER KEYS AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND EXITS THROUGH IT
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR. SHE IMMEDIATELY SCANS THE APARTMENT FOR ANY SIGNS OF LIFE, DEEP DOWN HOPING THAT SHE WON'T FIND ROZ THERE. LETTING THE SUSPICION STARTING TO RULE HER ACTIONS SHE SCANS SOME PAPERS THAT NILES HAS LEFT ON THE TABLE FOR ANYTHING INCRIMINATING. SATISFIED THAT IT DOESN'T LOOK AS IF ROZ HAS BEEN THERE DAPHNE DESCENDS THE STAIR CASE AND EXITS UPSTAIRS
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' BEDROOM AND GOES TO LOOK IN HIS BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER, BUT STOPS HERSELF BEFORE SHE PULLS IT OPEN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Daphne Moon stop it. Nothing is going on it's all in your imagination. Just like that time you thought Keith Richards was stalking you.
SHE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM, OPENS IT AND EXITS THROUGH IT
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' DRESSING ROOM FROM HIS BEDROOM. SHE STANDS FOR A MOMENT AND JUST LOOKS AROUND SHAKING HER HEAD
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
How is it that he can have more pairs of shoes then I've had hot dinners? Still as long as he hasn't taken to wearing women's shoes where's the problem?
SHE THEN OPENS THE CUPBOARD ON THE END TO THE LEFT THAT OPENS UP TO REVEAL A LOT OF JUNK INCLUDING A COUPLE OF SUITCASES ON THE TOP SHELF JUST OUT OF REACH. DAPHNE CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND PICKS UP A CHAIR AND TAKES IT TO THE CUPBOARD AND STANDS ON IT. SHE HAS A QUICK LOOK INSIDE BEFORE RUNNING HER FINGER ALONG THE SHELF. WHEN SHE PULLS IT AWAY THERE ISN'T A SPECK OF DUST OR DIRT ON IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Anal-retentive clean freak Dr. Niles Crane. But that's why I love you.
DAPHNE THEN TRIES TO PULL ONE OF THE SUITCASES OFF THE TOP SHELF, BUT NOTICES THAT SEVERAL ITEMS, INCLUDING SMALL BOXES AND SOME STORE BAGS, BLOCK IT IN. SHE MOVES THEM OUT OF THE WAY BY PUSHING THEM INTO AN EMPTY SPACE AT THE END OF THE SHELF, HAVING A QUICK PEEK INSIDE EACH OF THEM BEFORE DOING SO. WHEN THEY HAVE ALL BEEN MOVED SHE PULLS THE FIRST SMALL SUITCASE OUT (ONCE AGAIN NOT COVERED IN EVEN THE SMALLEST SPECK OF DUST) AND PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR. AS SHE GOES TO GET DOWN OFF THE CHAIR SHE NOTICES ANOTHER SMALL BAG THAT WAS HIDDEN BEHIND THE SUITCASE. NOT BEING ABLE TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION SHE PULLS THE BAG OUT AND LOOKS INSIDE IT. SHE THEN SLOWLY SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR STILL HOLDING THE BAG AND RESTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS. SHE THEN LOOKS INSIDE THE BAG ONCE MORE AND PULLS OUT FROM IT THE DRAGON THAT ROZ GAVE TO NILES AT THE END OF 'VISIONS OF DAPHNE' FOR GETTING ALICE INTO A GOOD PRE-SCHOOL. MOMENTS PASS AS SHE JUST SITS AND LOOKS AT IT AND RECALLS HER VISION BEFORE A TEAR FALLS DOWN HER CHEEK AND A SMILE BEAMS ACROSS HER FACE.
SFX: FRONT DOOR SLAMMING
DAPHNE IS DISTURBED FROM HER THOUGHTS BY THE NOISE OF THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND ROZ ARE STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM TAKING OFF THEIR COATS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE FAINTING COUCH
ROZ
I still don't see why you couldn't shower at my place. It's perfectly clean you germ freak. There's no acid in the water. If you'll sleep on my couch until you get your ring back surely you can use my shower.
NILES
No offence Roz but I've heard stories of what you've done in that shower. I shudder at the thought. No wonder you have so much traction decal on the floor and on the walls and even amazingly on the ceiling. And anyway I have to pick up some things to take them to the dry cleaners. Daphne and I go on vacation next week, I want to get a few things spruced up.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE HEARS NILES' VOICE AND THINKS HE IS CALLING UP TO HER AS HE KNOWS SHE WAS GOING TO BE THERE THAT MORNING COLLECTING THE SUITCASE AND DID SAY THAT MAYBE HE'D SEE HER THERE. SHE WALKS TO THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AND IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN SHE HEARS ROZ'S VOICE
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) Dear God what happened to your kitchen? The great fondue incident of two thousand and one? It looks as if you used a flamethrower on your Crème Brule instead of a blowtorch.
DAPHNE FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY CHANGES FROM ONE OF PURE JOY AT THE DISCOVERY OF THE DRAGON AND THINKING NILES WAS THERE TO SEE HER TO ONE OF BEING UTTERLY DISTRAUGHT THAT ROZ IS ONCE AGAIN WITH HIM AND ONCE AGAIN MAKING HER SUSPICIONS RUN WILD
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND ROZ BOTH STAND LOOKING INTO THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS BLACK ALL OVER FROM THE FIRE
NILES
Small explosions happen in ovens all the time. Martha Stewart is forever appearing in public with singed bangs and no eyebrows. In fact it's started a new trend among rebellious teenagers.
ROZ
Easy Bake Ovens are the worst for explosions. Most children are lucky to get past the pre-school age without blowing themselves up with one. One of my muffins got embedded so far into the ceiling that it was still there when my parents sold the house.
NILES
You had an Easy Bake Oven?
ROZ
What can I say? I like things that are easy.
NILES
Evidently. You seem to have modelled yourself after it. I'm sorry that one even surprised me. I'm going to sort my clothes for the dry cleaners.
ROZ
I'll help. We must have you looking presentable for the future in-laws. Do you have a bulletproof vest? I have a feeling you're going to need one. We'll have to get you a T-shirt made, 'Please help me remove this stick from my ass.'
THEY BOTH START TO DESCEND THE STAIRS
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE HEARS THEM BOTH COMING AND BEGINS TO PANIC. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN. SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE OPEN CUPBOARD DOOR AND MOVES THE CHAIR BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION. SHE THEN OPENS UP THE SUITCASE AND PUTS THE DRAGON INSIDE BEFORE CLOSING IT AGAIN AND RUSHES TO THE DOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
(OFF STAGE) You're going on a beach vacation you need at least one Hawaiian shirt. Otherwise you'll just look a freak. You must have at least one somewhere in here.
DAPHNE'S EXIT IS BLOCKED AS NILES AND ROZ ARE HEARD IN NILES' BEDROOM AND HEADING HER WAY. SHE OPENS UP A CUPBOARD DOOR NEAREST TO HER (WATCH 'WHINE CLUB', IT'S THE ONLY CUPBOARD THAT DOESN'T HAVE A GLASS PANEL ON THE DOOR) AND EXITS INTO IT, HIDING ALONG WITH THE SUITCASE SO THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THAT SHE WAS THERE. NILES AND ROZ ENTER. ROZ IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP AND SITS ON THE ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM
NILES
This may come as a surprise to you Roz but I'm not Magnum PI you know.
ROZ
I know that, he was rugged and handsome, you're well...not.
NILES
Thankyou so much dear.
ROZ
Dear God does your dressing room have a horizon?
NILES
It's not that big.
ROZ
Niles if it had a bathroom you could sub-let. I've never been in here before.
NILES
Have you not?
ROZ
No, we've never made it this far. There have always been other distractions.
NILES OPENS UP THE CUPBOARD THAT DAPHNE HAPPENS TO BE HIDING IN AND SHE FALLS OUT AND ONTO THE FLOOR, SENDING THE SUITCASE FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, NOT TO MENTION SCARING NILES AND ROZ TO DEATH BEFORE MAKING THEM LOOK AND ACT EXTREMELY GUILTY
NILES
Daphne what are you doing? Here let me help you.
NILES HELPS HER UP OFF THE FLOOR
DAPHNE
(GUILTILY) Getting a suitcase like I said I was going to. What do you think I was doing? Planting some marijuana ready for a Police bust?
ROZ
Then what were you doing in the cupboard? Playing hide and go seek?
DAPHNE
I find it comforting. Sitting in a dark confined room.
NILES
Since when?
DAPHNE
Since I got locked in an aeroplane toilet on a long haul flight and the light bulb went out. I was alone for hours with just a packet of peanuts and a smell that the previous occupant had left me.
NILES
You never mentioned this before.
ROZ
And with good reason. Sanatorium commitment papers have been known to end a fair amount of long-term relationships.
DAPHNE
It's my private fetish why should I tell you?
NILES
I thought we told each other everything. I told you about the gorilla suit thing.
DAPHNE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT SHE HAS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT AND THAT IT SHOULD BE NILES AND ROZ ACTING THIS WAY
DAPHNE
That's right we do. So what are you two doing here?
NILES AND ROZ BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER FROM EACH OTHER'S EYES BEFORE SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME
ROZ/NILES
I wanted to borrow a pair of his pants/Roz wants to learn the fundamental theories of Jung
THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT WHILE DAPHNE STARES ON LOOKING MORE AND MORE UPSET. THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME
ROZ/NILES (CONT'D)
That's right I wanted to know about Jung/You know how much Roz likes men's pants.
NILES (CONT'D)
It's complicated.
DAPHNE
Obviously or you wouldn't be having such a hard time telling me about it.
ROZ
I just love the material men's pants are made from.
NILES
So since I had the morning free and Roz was so desperate, I thought I'd give her one.
DAPHNE
(SHOCKED) I beg your pardon.
NILES
(REALISING WHAT HE'S JUST SAID) Pants. Give her one pair of pants. That's all I can spare.
ROZ
Then he's going to teach me about Jung.
DAPHNE
I bet he is. Well you both seem like you're going to be awfully busy so I'll go.
ROZ
I really think I'm going to have my hands full.
DAPHNE
Think again.
DAPHNE EXITS WITH THE SUITCASE SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE LEANS UP THE CLOSED DOOR FOR A MOMENT, WITH HER HAND COVERING HER MOUTH AND TEARS STREAKING DOWN HER CHEEKS. SHE THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXITS THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR INTO THE HALLWAY
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
NILES AND ROZ REMAIN WHERE WE LEFT THEM
NILES
Well that went well don't you think?
ROZ
What conversation were you listening to? Or were you off in your own little dream world? There's no way she bought that. Compared to that saying we were about to go skydiving with a leprechaun dressed, as an epileptic unicorn in heat would have been more plausible.
NILES
Do you really think so?
ROZ
What are you insane?
NILES
This current situation is sending me that way yes. It's times like this I'm glad I can self medicate.
NILES SLIDES DOWN ONE OF THE CUPBOARD DOORS AND ENDS UP IN A LITTLE BALL ON THE FLOOR AS WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: 'THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL IS THE NEW TOILET BRUSH HOLDER'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne, Roz)
DAPHNE SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE STARING AT THE DRAGON THAT SITS IN THE MIDDLE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
Hello Daph. What are you doing?
DAPHNE
Nothing, just thinking. How are you feeling? You still look a bit peaky.
MARTIN
I'm feeling like I may never eat again to prevent it from ever happening again. Actually I'm a little better then I did yesterday. I can't say the same for my bowel though. That's had a far worse time.
DAPHNE
We're heading into a need to know area and I don't need to know about you're bowel, I was thinking about eating later.
MARTIN
Suit yourself. I was only trying to educate you.
DAPHNE
That's a lesson I can do with out thankyou very much like how to disembowel a chicken or skin a ferret with a meat cleaver. The things they don't teach you in school, well they didn't in England, and God knows what they teach you over here.
MARTIN
Now I'm heading into a need to know area.
DAPHNE
Do you want something to drink?
MARTIN
Thanks, just a beer.
DAPHNE
A beer? Are you sure that's wise?
MARTIN
Absolutely. If it makes me feel worse, it'll be worth it for a while. It's the same as volunteering for science experiments, the money's worth it until you start to grow a hand from your forehead and some sort of tail from your nipple. The things I did to pay for my kids to go to college.
DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY SITS IN HIS CHAIR. DAPHNE RE-ENTERS WITH A BEER AND A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE
DAPHNE
Why is there a roll of toilet paper in the fridge? You're not starting to loose your marbles are you? It's hard enough having a conversation with you now.
MARTIN
Why do you think it's in there?
DAPHNE
It's not one of Dr. Crane's new delicacy's I presume. He'll freak out if he sees this. You know what he's like about food in the bathroom. Do you have any idea what his reaction will be to the bathroom in the fridge?
MARTIN
Well it's beginning to hurt. I thought it might help. And it's not as if I'm getting the water for the coffee machine from down the toilet and relieving myself in the fridge.
DAPHNE
Thank God the boys took after their mother. Can I talk to you about something? It's important.
MARTIN
Shouldn't you be talking with Frasier instead then? He's better at things like this then I am. He knows all the right words. I just know how to buy the right ice-cream.
DAPHNE
I need someone who isn't going to analyse and make fun of me.
MARTIN
Point taken. Sure, what is it?
DAPHNE
I think Niles is having an affair.
MARTIN
(TRIES TO LAUGH) What? Daphne don't be ridiculous.
DAPHNE
I'm not. I seriously think that he's having an affair with... this is so hard to say. With Roz.
MARTIN
Roz? Now I know you've been drinking some sort of drain cleaner. It's melted your brain and sent you screwy.
DAPHNE
Just hear me out. Have you noticed how much time they're spending together recently? If I didn't know any better I'd say they were handcuffed together.
MARTIN
Daphne I've spent about ninety percent of the last twenty-fours hours sitting on the toilet asking God what I've done to deserve this stomach bug, so no I haven't.
DAPHNE
He abandoned me at our anniversary dinner to go to a bar with her for a drink. At least that's what he bumbled around and eventually made up. He had trouble thinking up a good lie. I'm surprised he didn't say he was in the park poking a badger with a wooden spoon.
MARTIN
Don't jump to conclusions Daph. Maybe he was just suffering from some memory loss and couldn't remember what they did or maybe he blacked out.
DAPHNE
Then there was yesterday morning. They were having a bonding day? They despise one another except for when they're hurling insults. And Niles went to an aerobics class? Niles breaks out into a sweat at the thought of breaking out into a sweat. Then yesterday afternoon I called him at his office and she's there again. We didn't go out last night because he was taking her to the zoo. Does this sound normal?
MARTIN
Well they have been getting closer recently. But it's just friendship that's all.
DAPHNE
She was in his bedroom this morning. They couldn't have looked any guiltier if I'd have actually caught them with his pants around his ankles trying to maintain his balance on the island.
MARTIN
Daphne this is crazy talk. Niles has been in love with you since the moment he laid eyes on you. He's no more capable of having an affair then...
DAPHNE
You wife was?
MARTIN LOOKS VERY UPSET AT THIS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that. I apologise. But what about Lilith being capable of having an affair for that matter? At least an underground Eco-pod was a plausible excuse.
MARTIN
I know this looks a bit incriminating, but I'll put money on there being another reason behind it.
MARTIN GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR
DAPHNE
So what do I do now?
MARTIN
Talk to him. Call him. You'll see nothing's going on. Trust me. (TO HIMSELF) At least it better not be or I'll kill him.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM. DAPHNE SITS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PICKING UP THE PHONE AND DIALLING NILES' APARTMENT.
ROZ
(OVER THE PHONE) Hello? Hello? There's no one there.
DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE, BEFORE SLUMPING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND STARTS TO SOB TO HERSELF AS WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Chuck, Lois)
FRASIER SITS DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS NILES AND ROZ ENTER
ROZ
I really need to teach you how to lie properly. Life will be so much easier for you. And it'll save you one of these days from having a complete mental meltdown and saying you were late home from work because a burglar duct taped your to the ceiling fan when you were actually in the wine shop with Frasier. Or doing something equally as wild like attending an Oboe recital when you should be meeting up with Daphne and her drunken friends.
NILES
You're the one who said you wanted to borrow a pair of my pants. Why in God's name would you want to do that? I think she knew you weren't about to star in a revival of Victor/Victoria. Anyway don't you keep a pair of pants from every man that you sleep with as a token and as a reminder of nights you can't remember? I bet you've got enough now to clothe the entire United States Air Force. Or rather most of them come from the armed forces. Learning about Jung was far more plausible.
ROZ
Hello I'm Roz Doyle I don't believe we've met. Why would I give a rat's ass about Jung when I switch off the moment Frasier mentions Freud on the show?
NILES
You could have suddenly had an interest in furthering your education, to impress a new beau, to start to analyse your own behaviour, to be more interesting at parties, to be able to answer more questions on 'Who Wants To be A Millionaire' how the hell should I know? I was nervous, it was still better then borrowing a pair of my pants. I'm just thankful you didn't say a pair of my underwear.
FRASIER
Do I want to know what's going on?
NILES
Not really.
NILES AND ROZ SIT DOWN WITH FRASIER AS LOIS ENTERS
FRASIER
Fair enough. Oh my God. It's Lois.
ROZ
Lois? Well go and get her Clark. Or does she know your secret identity is Superman? What's you super hero power? The ability to bore people to death?
NILES
Who on earth is Lois?
FRASIER
She's the women who's head I set on fire. Look the edge is still singed. Dear God you'd have thought she'd have changed wigs or at least glued a dead squirrel on her head to patch up the holes.
ROZ
Who's next on your dating list? Vikki Vale? Mary-Jane?
FRASIER
I have no idea what you're talking about. (SHOUTS) Hello Lois.
THE MOMENT LOIS SEES WHO IS CALLING HER A LOOK OF PANIC AND FEAR COMES ACROSS HER FACE AND SHE RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
NILES
Oh yes I can see that you've dated her now. That panic stricken expression gives it away every time. That and the ever so slightly glossy glaze to her eyes. She's obviously on an extreme amount of sedatives.
ROZ
And she's quick as well. Look at her go. Like a whippet in heat.
NILES
Who knew a woman could run into the bathroom at such speed?
FRASIER
She might need it urgently.
NILES
Possibly. But then again women will go to all sorts of extremes to avoid you so I wouldn't put money on it. And those are just the ones that you don't set fire to.
FRASIER
She's just a little shy.
ROZ
And probably climbing out of the bathroom window as we speak before you set your flamer thrower on her.
FRASIER
It was an accident. It's not as if I was trying to start a campfire on her head out of spite. She'll be out in a moment I know she will. I feel as though I should offer to take her out one more time just to apologise.
NILES
I don't think she's interested Frasier.
FRASIER
How can you tell?
NILES
Because she's just run past the window outside.
ROZ
Never underestimate the appeal of the bathroom window escape.
NILES
It worked for Daphne.
FRASIER GETS UP AND RUNS TO THE DOOR
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) Lois! Don't run away, I won't hurt you.
ROZ
Just let me gesture a little too violently and knock this scolding cup of coffee down your blouse before I impale you with the coat stand.
FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN
FRASIER
That's not even the slightest bit amusing. Let's turn this conversation towards something more important have you produced that ring yet?
ROZ
No.
FRASIER
What's taking so long?
ROZ
There's too much pressure to deliver to start with. Things seize up when I'm nervous.
NILES
I knew we should have bought more Ex-Lax.
ROZ
Oh my God, that's what's wrong with Martin and Eddie. You tried to give me a tonne of laxative. (REALISING) The chocolate.
NILES
And? What's your point? It would have done you good to have your system completely cleared out. Some people pay fortunes for it.
ROZ STARTS TO SLAP BOTH FRASIER AND NILES
FRASIER
Don't you think it's time that you just tell Daphne what's been going on and propose?
NILES
I don't want to do that. I don't want her to know where the ring's been. Would you want to have it on your finger for the rest of your life knowing that?
FRASIER
Now you mention it, no I wouldn't. In fact I'd wear a rubber glove to propose in if I were you.
NILES
Exactly.
ROZ
Hey!
NILES
Although after the incident this morning, she knows something is going on. Maybe I should just propose without the ring in case she gets the wrong end of the stick.
FRASIER
I would. Then after you've proposed just tell her that the ring is on order and your expecting a special delivery any time now.
ROZ
Even if you go there and propose she's still going to want to know what's been going on.
NILES
You're right. I just might as well confess to everything. OK, I'm going to do it. I'm charged here. I'm going to propose, I am. Come on Roz.
THEY BOTH STAND TO LEAVE
FRASIER
She can't go with you.
ROZ
How I love men fighting over me. Or in your case men substitutes. But men substitutes would be women. How nice it is to have a couple of doily's fighting over me.
NILES
Why not?
FRASIER
Because we have a show to do. I'll blow myself up if I try to do it all on my own. I can barely pay attention to the people whining on the other end of the phone when that's all I have to do.
NILES
Can't you get someone else? I'll need Roz to back up my story.
CHUCK ENTERS AND WALKS UP BEHIND FRASIER
FRASIER
Like who for example?
ROZ
Chuck.
FRASIER
There is no way I'm using that man he...
ROZ
Chuck how are you?
CHUCK
Just fine Woz.
FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
ROZ
That's good to hear.
CHUCK
Dr. Cwane, why are you waughing?
FRASIER
No reason.
NILES
Well we should be leaving. Chuck I think Frasier has something he would like to ask you.
CHUCK
All wighty.
NILES AND ROZ EXIT AS FRASIER CRINGES AND WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
TITLE CARD: 'MORE INNUENDO'S THEN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Niles, Roz, Daphne)
MARTIN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BUT NOT QUITE INTO THE ROOM AS MARTIN BLOCKS THE DOOR
MARTIN
(COLDLY) Oh it's you. What do you want?
NILES
To see Daphne.
MARTIN
Haven't you got a picture of her you can look at?
NILES
Well yes, but you know looking at the real thing is even better. Are you going to let us in through this door or do we have to climb the side of the building and enter through the terrace door? Because if that's the case I really must go home and get my safety harness and suction cups.
MARTIN
I guess I'll have to.
MARTIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND ALLOWS NILES AND ROZ IN THE ROOM
NILES
Dad what's wrong? Did I accidentally kick Eddie last time I was here and not notice? I don't remember seeing him fly across the room.
MARTIN
Nothing's wrong.
NILES
Did someone drink your last can of beer? Set fire to your chair? What?
MARTIN
No. Nothing.
ROZ
Something is obviously wrong.
MARTIN
Yeah but not with me.
MARTIN HEADS TOWARDS HIS ROOM
NILES
Where are you going?
MARTIN
Back to bed. I'm sick. (SHOUTS) Daphne, Niles is here.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM
ROZ
Are you happy? That could have been me. I could have felt that bad.
NILES
Well then you shouldn't have...
ROZ
If I hear that once more I'll cut out your tongue and eat it.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
NILES
How about you just leave my tongue alone right now.
DAPHNE
What are you two doing here?
NILES GETS DAPHNE TO SIT ON THE COUCH WHILE HE SITS OPPOSITE HER ON THE TABLE AND ROZ SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR
NILES
Daphne honey take a seat. There's something that I need to talk to you about. This is so hard to say because it's so long over due. I have a bit of a confession to make. Now this may come as a surprise and a shock but...
DAPHNE
Save it I already know what's been going on.
ROZ
(SURPRISED) You already know?
NILES
How did you find out?
DAPHNE
Do you honestly think that I'm stupid?
NILES
I was rather hoping that you'd be oblivious to the fact. I was all ready to confess everything but there's no need now. This is great.
DAPHNE BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY
DAPHNE
So you're admitting it. It's true? You're not even going to weasel your way out of it?
NILES
There's no point if you already know. I was going to lie to you about it and hope you never found out but Frasier convinced me to tell the truth.
DAPHNE
(SHOCKED) Dr. Crane knows about this as well.
ROZ
Yeah, he was there watching when it happened. In fact he helped pin my down.
DAPHNE
That's disgusting.
NILES
Well I guess it all depends on what angle you look at it from.
DAPHNE
(SHOUTS) How could you?
NILES
(POINTING AT ROZ) It's not my fault she did it.
DAPHNE
(TO ROZ) I thought you were my friend.
ROZ
Well I'm sorry but it was just so damn tempting I just had to wrap my tongue around it the moment I saw it.
DAPHNE
(SHOUTS) What?
ROZ
He's the one that had it out on display for all to see. If you do that you expect these things to happen. He should learn to put things away when he's finished using them.
NILES TRIES TO HUG DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Don't touch me. (SHOUTS) I can't believe you did this.
NILES
Don't blame me who knew she could fit so much in her mouth without choking?
DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE
NILES (CONT'D)
What are you getting so upset with me for. I was looking the other way when she just rammed it in her mouth. By the time I'd got my breath back and was about to stop her she'd already swallowed. There was nothing that I could do then but wait until she's got it out of her system.
DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE ONCE AGAIN
NILES (CONT'D)
Stop hitting me. It won't go on for much longer.
DAPHNE
You mean you're admitting it and it's not even over?
ROZ
Yes, why do you mind?
NILES
Daphne believe me, it won't go on for much longer. I'll be done with her as soon as I get what I want.
DAPHNE SLAPS HIM YET AGAIN
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne my cheek is starting to go numb. What are you getting so upset for?
DAPHNE
If you can't understand that I think you should leave right now. (SHOUTS) I can't even look at you right now.
NILES
Daphne...
DAPHNE
(SHOUTS) Just leave.
NILES
Well fine, if you don't even want to listen to my apologies then I'll just go. I only lied to you to save you from the scaring imagery of knowing where it's been.
DAPHNE
I don't want to hear any of the sordid details. Just leave. And don't hurry back. I may never forgive you for this.
NILES
Come on Roz.
NILES AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS INTO HER ROOM AND WE:
FADE OUT
(J)
FADE IN:
INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne)
MARTIN LIES IN BED WITH A RATHER CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE AS DAPHNE ENTERS IN TEARS AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED
MARTIN
Daphne are you OK? I heard yelling. You were screaming so hard I thought you might drop a lung.
DAPHNE
No I'm not OK. I'm leaving.
MARTIN
Well take your raincoat with you. The weather guy says we should expect some rain. (TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD) Which means get your gondolas out. I guess that means Frasier will be singing in Italian more then usual. I know we'll order in tonight so you don't have to cook anything. You can put your feet up and relax.
DAPHNE
And that'll please Dr. Crane ordering junk food. (A BEAT) I mean I'm leaving Seattle.
MARTIN
What?
DAPHNE
I've called the airport, there's a plane with a few of empty seats that leaves in a couple of hours that will take me as far as Chicago. I have to get a connection from there back to Manchester.
MARTIN
But why?
DAPHNE
They've just admitted it. They just stood in front of me and admitted it as calm as anything.
DAPHNE BEGINS TO CRY EVEN HARDER AND MARTIN HUGS HER
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
He wasn't even sorry he just kept blaming Roz. He didn't even have a reason for why he's done it. He's broken my heart into so many pieces and he doesn't even care. I loved him so much.
MARTIN
Now don't do anything hasty. Let's just think about this.
DAPHNE
I have thought about this.
MARTIN
Then please sleep on it. Things always look better in the morning.
DAPHNE
I wish I could. He's cheated on me a year after we got together. When we should have been celebrating our anniversary he was with her. I can't be around him right now. I want to go home.
MARTIN
Daphne please don't. I don't know what I'll do without you. What any of us will do without you. You're practically my daughter please don't leave.
DAPHNE
I'm sorry but me minds made up.
MARTIN
Well you call me as soon as you land. Let me know that you're all right.
DAPHNE
I'll write as soon as I get there. I don't want to phone in case he's here.
MARTIN
Well make sure that you do.
DAPHNE
I promise as soon as I get home.
MARTIN
But this is your home.
DAPHNE
Not any more.
MARTIN
I love you Daphne.
DAPHNE
I love you too Mr. Crane.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND GOES TO EXIT
MARTIN
Are you ever going to call me Martin?
DAPHNE
I hoped I would, but not now.
AS DAPHNE EXITS WE:
FADE OUT
(K)
FADE IN:
INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — EARLY EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Niles)
MARTIN REMAINS LYING IN BED AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
That was probably the most tortuous three hours of my life. Chuck couldn't say anything without it making me descend into giggles. It didn't help the fact that I had three narcoweptic's call in. And yet he gets more jobs as MC at benefit dinners then I do. Sometimes I just don't understand the world today.
MARTIN
Why was he producing your show?
FRASIER
Because Roz was with Niles.
MARTIN
Oh yeah. Wasn't there a chimp you could use?
FRASIER
So how are you feeling? Dad have you been crying? I thought the toilet paper in the freezer would stop this. That's the only reason I let you keep it in there.
MARTIN
It's Daphne.
FRASIER
Has she made you do your exercises when you felt this bad? Where is she? Her Hitler attitude towards your exercises used to be quite amusing but not when you feel so bad.
MARTIN
Daphne's left.
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
MARTIN
Niles and Roz have been having an affair.
FRASIER
Don't be ridiculous.
MARTIN
There came here and admitted it to her.
FRASIER
They what?
MARTIN
They confessed. But she already had her suspicions.
FRASIER
That's not what they were confessing to. They've been spending so much time together because Roz ate the engagement ring Niles bought for Daphne. He's just been waiting to get it back.
MARTIN
What?
FRASIER
He's been trying to propose for weeks, and then Roz ate the ring. The doctor at the emergency room said to just wait for it to come out naturally. So we tried to give her some Ex-Lax.
MARTIN
Oh my God that's what's wrong with Eddie and me.
FRASIER
It'll teach you to keep your hands to yourself. Just be thankful I didn't buy the extra strong brand. You'd have had no internal organs left if I had.
MARTIN
Oh no!
FRASIER
Oh relax, I'm sorry all right. You'll be fine tomorrow. At least you know now that Eddie isn't some sort of disease ridden, flea infested beast. Well we do actually know that, but the point is you didn't catch anything off him.
MARTIN
No you don't understand. Daphne's left. She's going home. She's gone to the airport.
FRASIER
What?
MARTIN
She thought they were having an affair. She thought they'd admitted it to her and they had a huge fight. She's going home.
FRASIER
Why didn't you call me?
MARTIN
You were doing your show and nothing would have changed her mind.
FRASIER
The truth might have. I've got to call Niles.
FRASIER GETS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON THE PHONE) Niles. Daphne's gone.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
NILES IS STANDING BY THE DOOR JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE WITH HIS PHONE
NILES
She's not here, she told me she couldn't even look at me. I'm so hurt right now. I thought she would have understood but all she did was scream and slap me. I knew it was a mistake to tell her the truth.
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) Niles, Daphne thinks you and Roz are having an affair. That's what she thought you were confessing.
NILES
Oh my God. Please tell me you set her straight. I'll be right over there.
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) No Niles.
NILES
I want to see her.
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) She's not here. She's gone to the airport to go back to Manchester.
NILES
What?
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) She left while I was doing my show. If you're quick you may be able to catch her and explain.
NILES' SHOCKED EXPRESSION SHOWS IT ALL
NILES
OK I'm going.
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) Flight AA24. Dad and I will meet you there now get going.
NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND RUNS OUT OF HIS OFFICE AS WE:
FADE OUT
(L)
TITLE CARD: 'HE WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT IF THERE WAS A TINY MAN STRAPPED TO HIS BACK'
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPORT BOARDING AREA — EVENING — DAY/3
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Martin)
NILES AND ROZ ENTER THROUGH THE SECURITY SCANNER AND BEGIN TO RUN TOWARDS THE GATE. NILES ONCE AGAIN IS RUNNING IN HIS RATHER BIZARRE MANNER WITH HIS ARMS FLYING AROUND IN THE AIR
ROZ
Niles you run like some sort of constipated crab.
NILES
I'd shoot one right back at you, but I'm a little preoccupied.
THEY CONTINUE TO RUN THROUGH THE AIRPORT FOLLOWING THE SIGNS TO THE GATE WHERE HER PLANE WAS TO LEAVE FROM
ROZ
Turn left. Gate K4.
NILES DOES AS ROZ SAYS AND RUNS DOWN THE LEFT HAND SIDE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLE THERE IS A WOMAN WHO SETS HER BAGS DOWN NEXT TO HER ON THE FLOOR AS SHE BENDS DOWN TO TIE HER SHOE LACE. NILES AND ROZ RUN TOWARDS HER AT FULL SPEED WITH NILES LEADING. HE HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE WOMAN BUT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO JUMP OVER HER AND HER BAGS AND KEEPS GOING. ROZ ON THE OTHER HAND IS NOT SO LUCKY AND FALLS OVER HER BAGS AND ENDS UP IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR. NILES HEARING THE COMMOTION STOPS AND TURNS.
ROZ
What are you doing? Get going I'll catch you up.
NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND CARRIES ON TOWARDS THE GATE AT THE VERY END. WHEN HE ARRIVES NO ONE IS THERE AND THE PLANE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE GATE. HE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT. THERE ARE SEVERAL PLANES WAITING TO TAKE OFF AND HE JUST STARES AFTER THEM NOT KNOWING WHICH ONE SHE'LL BE ON. FINALLY AS ROZ ALONG WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN APPROACH HE SITS DOWN AND PLACES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. ROZ WALKS TOWARDS HIM TO COMFORT HIM BUT NILES JUST WAVES HER AWAY WANTING TO BE LEFT ALONE. ROZ DOES AS SHE IS TOLD AND MOVES AWAY TO STAND WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN. ROZ, FRASIER AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY BEFORE APPROACHING HIM.
NILES
What have I done? The most wonderful thing to ever happen in my rotten little existence and I blow it.
FRASIER
You haven't done anything and as soon as she realises that and how much you love her she'll be back.
NILES
But what if she doesn't?
MARTIN
Oh come on son, look at the bright side.
NILES
And that would be?
MARTIN
You hurdled that woman like a Kentucky Show horse.
NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AT HIM IN BEWILDERMENT. AS FRASIER WRAPS AN ARM AROUND NILES AND HELPS HIM OUT OF HIS SEAT AND ON THE LONG WALK BACK TO THE CAR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THROUGH THE DARKNESS THE SHAPE OF NILES CAN BE MADE OUT LYING UNDER THE PIANO.
END OF SEASON EIGHT