The Inu Crew's Messed Up Movie!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Directed By Katz-Sama
Six AM again. The Neko girl, Katz had run up the steps to the auditorium carrying a sack over her shoulder slamming the door open. There the InuYasha crew sat waiting for their parts.
Katz: Today we are doing a Comedy.
Kagome: What is it?
Katz: The all time funniest movie. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL!
Kagome: Oooh! I love that movie!
Everyone else looked confused as they were handed scripts for the day.
King Arthur: InuYasha
Bedievere: Kagome
Dennis: Shippou
Old Villager: Kaede
Black Knight and Tim The Sorcerer: Naraku
Lancelot: Sango
Galahad: Miroku
Patsy: Kohaku
Robin: Myoga
Knight of Ni: Kikyo
French Man: Sesshoumaru
Suddenly, the Fan Girl, Jessi ran in.
Jessi: Can I have a part?
Katz: Fine, you'll be the Policeman in the last scene.
Jessi: Yay! Thank you! I love that part!
Katz: Okay! Everyone, get ready! Lets start! Aaaaaaannnnndd ACTION!
The scene begins with a dusty trail, where InuYasha and Kohaku stand at the face of a fort. InuYasha hops about pretending to ride a horse while Kohaku bangs two halves of coconut together.
InuYasha: Woah, Kohaku! We're here!
Kohaku: -neighing and horse noises-
A Soldier looks from the castle and hollers.
Soldier: Halt! Who goes there!
InuYasha: Whom do you think, stupid? It is I, InuYasha, son of InuYouKai from the Castle of Sengoku Jidai, prince of Japan!
There is silence for a long time; everyone blinks as tumbleweeds fly by.
Katz: Nice effect.
Soldier: Go away, we don't like you.
InuYasha: I am! I and my trusty steed Kohaku have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court in Sengoku Jidai. I must speak with your Lord!
Soldier: Ridden on a horse?
InuYasha: Duh.
Soldier: THOSE ARE COCONUTS!
InuYasha: Nani?
Soldier: Two empty halves of coconut being banged together!
InuYasha: Feh, anyway, we have ridden since the snow covered this land-
Soldier: Where'd ya get the coconuts?
InuYasha: NANI?! We found them, I guess.
Soldier: Coconuts are tropical!
InuYasha: Yeah?
Soldier: This is the temperate zone.
InuYasha: So? Swallows fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Soldier: Are you saying Coconuts migrate?
InuYasha: They can be carried.
Soldier: A Swallow carrying a coconut?
InuYasha: Sure.
Soldier: I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound!
InuYasha: The Swallow could grip it by the husk.
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a one-pound coconut.
InuYasha gets annoyed and he and Kohaku leave the man. They see ahead a peasant struggling with work.
InuYasha: Little Girl!
Shippou: Boy!
InuYasha: Boy. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
Shippou: I'm eight.
InuYasha: I-what was that?
Shippou: I'm eight. I'm not little.
InuYasha: Well, I can't just call you 'Boy'.
Shippou: Well, you could say 'Shippou'.
InuYasha: -sarcastically- Feh. Well, I didn't know you were called 'Shippou'.
Shippou: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
InuYasha: Whatever. I did say 'sorry' about the 'like girl', but from the behind you-
Shippou: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
InuYasha: Well, I am Prince!
Shippou: Oh prince, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Kaede: Shippou, there's some lovely filth down here. -sees InuYasha- Oh! How'd you do?
InuYasha: How do you do, good lady? -mutters 'hag' under his breath- I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. Whose castle is that?
Kaede: I didn't know we had a prince. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Shippou: You're fooling yourself, hag. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-
Katz: -blink- Shippou knows big words o_o;
Kaede: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Shippou: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
InuYasha: -gets annoyed- Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Kaede: No one live there.
InuYasha: Then who is your lord?
Kaede: We don't have a lord.
InuYasha: Nani?
Shippou: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
InuYasha: Hai.
Shippou: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
InuYasha: -yells- be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
InuYasha: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
InuYasha: I am your prince!
Kaede: Well, I didn't vote for you.
InuYasha: You don't vote for kings.
Kaede: Well, how did you become king then?
InuYasha: -smiles- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Tessaiga from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, InuYasha, was to carry Tessaiga. That is why I am your prince!
Shippou: -stops in InuYasha's face- Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. -pokes him in the nose- Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
InuYasha: Shut up!
Shippou: I mean, heh, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
InuYasha, in his rage starts to strangle Shippou.
Shippou: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
InuYasha: Shut up!
Shippou: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
InuYasha: Stupid Kid!
Shippou: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
InuYasha and his trusty servant Kohaku "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apoun a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant long swords. One is dressed in green and one in black. InuYasha stops and watches the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle-axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. InuYasha, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Kohaku and they "ride" forward.
InuYasha: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? No So be it! Come, Kohaku!
As InuYasha and Kohaku start to ride past the black knight, name Naraku, suddenly speaks
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.
InuYasha: Nani?
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.
InuYasha: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Naraku: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Katz: Augh! This is taking too long! The chapters almost over guys! Come on, lets skip to here, after InuYasha cuts off Naraku's arms and legs.
Finally, InuYasha cuts the Naraku's arms and legs off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open wounds.
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
InuYasha: A SCRATCH? Your limbs are off!
Naraku: No it they aren't! I've had worse. Come on, you pansy!
InuYasha: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy.
Naraku: Come on, then!
InuYasha: What?!?
Naraku: at you!
InuYasha: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no limbs left!
Naraku: Yes I have!
InuYasha: LOOK!!!
Naraku: Just a flesh wound! Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
InuYasha: Lets go Kohaku.
Naraku: Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Katz: CUT! Good, okay everyone, okay, lets skip the scene here. God appears giving the knights the quest to find the Shikkon jewel. Lets pick up with The Camelot Song. God, this will be good.
InuYasha: Sengoku Jidai!
Miroku: Sengoku Jidai!
Sango: Sengoku Jidai!
Kagome: Sengoku Jidai!
Kohaku: Pfft, it's only a model.
Everyone: Shhh!
Everyone crowds around the camera arms around each other as they dance and sing can-can style on a table in the castle, Sango warily keeping an eye on Miroku.
Everyone: We're Knights of the Round Table, we dance whenever we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, we dine well here in Sengoku Jidai, we eat Ramen, Rice, and tons of pocky! We're Knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, we're opera mad in Sengoku Jidai; we sing stupid songs of joy. In war we're tough and able, quite in- de-fatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable! It's a busy life in Japan
InuYasha: We take Ramen breaks whenever we can!
We returns to the scene outside with everyone staring at the castle with blank faces
InuYasha: On second thought, it's a dumb place, lets just go.
Everyone: Yeah, all right, fine, whatever.
Everyone: Bravely bold Myoga, Brought forth from Olde Japan. He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Sir Myoga! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Myoga. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Myoga. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, and his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, and his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his-
Myoga: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Three headed knight: HALT!!!
Katz: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the giant proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his ideas! Brave Sir Robin ran away. Bravely ran away When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled yes brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly chickened out!
Myoga: No I didn't! Lies! All Lies!
We see Miroku banging on a castle door, thinking this is the place of the Holy Grail, but he is surprised when a young woman answers the door. Miroku tries to hold back his emotions when he asks her to take him to the Shikkon Jewel.
Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!
Miroku: The Castle Anthrax??
Zoot: Yeah, It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, But *we* are nice! And we will attend to your every, *every* need!
Miroku: You are the keepers of the Shikkon Jewel?
Zoot: The what?
Miroku: The Jewel. It is here.
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Creeper!
Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.
Others: Yes, Sir Zoot. Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: The beds here are warm and soft, and very, *very* big.
Miroku: Well, look, I-
Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?
Miroku: Miroku, the monk.
Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot. Oh, but come!
Zoot and some other girls try to shove Miroku up the stairs, Miroku tries to keep his mind on task, but we all know he can't resist.
Miroku: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Jewel!!
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
Miroku: No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it--
Zoot: Sir Miroku! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality!
Miroku: Well, I--I, uh.
Zoot: Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young blondes and brunettes... all between 16 and 19-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights! Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. Oh!! But you are wounded!
Miroku: No, no, it-it's nothing!
Miroku tries to resist and run away but he is held back
Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive.
Piglet: Well... what seems to be the trouble?
Miroku: They're DOCTORS?
Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes. Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your art.
The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Miroku of his shield and staff, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole scene.
Winston: *Try* to relax...
Miroku: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We *must* examine you...
Miroku: There's nothing wrong with *that*!
Winston: Please.... we *are* doctors.
Miroku tries to run off again forcing his way down the stairs
Miroku: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!
Winston: Back to your bed at once!
Miroku: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Jewel!
Piglet: There's no jewel here...
Miroku: I have seen it, I have seen it! I have-
Suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into staircase, where he almost runs into Zoot!!
Dingo: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
Miroku: Oh. Well, excuse me, I--
Dingo: Where are you going?
Miroku: I seek the Jewel! I have seen it, here, in this castle!
Dingo: No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Zoot!
Miroku: What is it?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is jewel-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem...
Galahad: It's not the real Jewel????!
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot! She is a *naughty* person, and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the jewel-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her. You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!
Miroku: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...
Katz: Cut! Good job everyone. O_o; We don't have much time left, so lets cut to the last scene, Sesshoumaru?
Sesshoumaru is wearing a knight's suit while sitting in the fort, feet kicked up on the ledge while he reads a novel boredly.
Sesshoumaru: Huh? Oh, yes, very well.
InuYasha: Sango! Miroku! Myoga!
Kagome: Guys! Sango!
InuYasha: Sango!
We see Sango, Miroku, and Myoga standing by a police car while Jessi frisks them all, not knowing she's stealing all their money and note in their pockets.
InuYasha: Look! Its is The Castle Aaaagh! Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- LORD JESUS CHRIST!
An Arrow is shot at them, barley missing them by a few inches
Sesshoumaru: -in a remarkably good French Accent- Allo, dappy Human k- niggets and Monsieur InuYasha, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
InuYasha: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Sengoku Jidai, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
Sesshoumaru: How you Humans say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us YouKai folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
InuYasha: -vein pop- In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
Sesshoumaru: No chance, human bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
InuYasha: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of God and the glory of our--
Sesshoumaru pours a bucket of goo on InuYasha and Kagome while humming softly
InuYasha: Gah! Right! That settles it!
Sesshoumaru: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of you already! -maniacal laughter-
InuYasha: Walk away. Just ignore them.
Sesshoumaru: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard anything yet, dappy human k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
InuYasha: We shall attack at once!
Kagome: Yes, my liege!
InuYasha: Stand by for attack! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, .....we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the Shikkon Jewel returns to those whom God has chosen! Charge!
And Army of knights charge toward Sesshoumaru who returned to kicking his feet up reading and a police siren goes off, Jessi gets out of the truck and shoves everyone inside
Kaede: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
Jessie: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
Kaede: Get that one.
Jessi: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along. Put this man in the van. Clear off. Come on.
Kagome: With whom?
Jessi: Which one, this one? Put him in the van, get a blanket. Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! Run along! Run along! Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
As Katz walks on stage ready to say that it was too hectic Jessi shoves me off the stage
Katz: Christ! OW!
Katz wakes up a short while later seeing everyone pack up to leave.
Sesshoumaru: Tomorrow, we better be doing something, not-hectic.
Katz: Tomorrow I'll begin finding scripts for Road To Perdition, I promise.
Everyone left and Katz gave Jessi a look as she smiled and waved them away.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Directed By Katz-Sama
Six AM again. The Neko girl, Katz had run up the steps to the auditorium carrying a sack over her shoulder slamming the door open. There the InuYasha crew sat waiting for their parts.
Katz: Today we are doing a Comedy.
Kagome: What is it?
Katz: The all time funniest movie. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL!
Kagome: Oooh! I love that movie!
Everyone else looked confused as they were handed scripts for the day.
King Arthur: InuYasha
Bedievere: Kagome
Dennis: Shippou
Old Villager: Kaede
Black Knight and Tim The Sorcerer: Naraku
Lancelot: Sango
Galahad: Miroku
Patsy: Kohaku
Robin: Myoga
Knight of Ni: Kikyo
French Man: Sesshoumaru
Suddenly, the Fan Girl, Jessi ran in.
Jessi: Can I have a part?
Katz: Fine, you'll be the Policeman in the last scene.
Jessi: Yay! Thank you! I love that part!
Katz: Okay! Everyone, get ready! Lets start! Aaaaaaannnnndd ACTION!
The scene begins with a dusty trail, where InuYasha and Kohaku stand at the face of a fort. InuYasha hops about pretending to ride a horse while Kohaku bangs two halves of coconut together.
InuYasha: Woah, Kohaku! We're here!
Kohaku: -neighing and horse noises-
A Soldier looks from the castle and hollers.
Soldier: Halt! Who goes there!
InuYasha: Whom do you think, stupid? It is I, InuYasha, son of InuYouKai from the Castle of Sengoku Jidai, prince of Japan!
There is silence for a long time; everyone blinks as tumbleweeds fly by.
Katz: Nice effect.
Soldier: Go away, we don't like you.
InuYasha: I am! I and my trusty steed Kohaku have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court in Sengoku Jidai. I must speak with your Lord!
Soldier: Ridden on a horse?
InuYasha: Duh.
Soldier: THOSE ARE COCONUTS!
InuYasha: Nani?
Soldier: Two empty halves of coconut being banged together!
InuYasha: Feh, anyway, we have ridden since the snow covered this land-
Soldier: Where'd ya get the coconuts?
InuYasha: NANI?! We found them, I guess.
Soldier: Coconuts are tropical!
InuYasha: Yeah?
Soldier: This is the temperate zone.
InuYasha: So? Swallows fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Soldier: Are you saying Coconuts migrate?
InuYasha: They can be carried.
Soldier: A Swallow carrying a coconut?
InuYasha: Sure.
Soldier: I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound!
InuYasha: The Swallow could grip it by the husk.
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a one-pound coconut.
InuYasha gets annoyed and he and Kohaku leave the man. They see ahead a peasant struggling with work.
InuYasha: Little Girl!
Shippou: Boy!
InuYasha: Boy. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
Shippou: I'm eight.
InuYasha: I-what was that?
Shippou: I'm eight. I'm not little.
InuYasha: Well, I can't just call you 'Boy'.
Shippou: Well, you could say 'Shippou'.
InuYasha: -sarcastically- Feh. Well, I didn't know you were called 'Shippou'.
Shippou: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
InuYasha: Whatever. I did say 'sorry' about the 'like girl', but from the behind you-
Shippou: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
InuYasha: Well, I am Prince!
Shippou: Oh prince, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Kaede: Shippou, there's some lovely filth down here. -sees InuYasha- Oh! How'd you do?
InuYasha: How do you do, good lady? -mutters 'hag' under his breath- I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. Whose castle is that?
Kaede: I didn't know we had a prince. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Shippou: You're fooling yourself, hag. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-
Katz: -blink- Shippou knows big words o_o;
Kaede: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Shippou: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
InuYasha: -gets annoyed- Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Kaede: No one live there.
InuYasha: Then who is your lord?
Kaede: We don't have a lord.
InuYasha: Nani?
Shippou: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
InuYasha: Hai.
Shippou: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
InuYasha: -yells- be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
InuYasha: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
InuYasha: I am your prince!
Kaede: Well, I didn't vote for you.
InuYasha: You don't vote for kings.
Kaede: Well, how did you become king then?
InuYasha: -smiles- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Tessaiga from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, InuYasha, was to carry Tessaiga. That is why I am your prince!
Shippou: -stops in InuYasha's face- Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. -pokes him in the nose- Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
InuYasha: Shut up!
Shippou: I mean, heh, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
InuYasha, in his rage starts to strangle Shippou.
Shippou: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
InuYasha: Shut up!
Shippou: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
InuYasha: Stupid Kid!
Shippou: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
InuYasha and his trusty servant Kohaku "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apoun a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant long swords. One is dressed in green and one in black. InuYasha stops and watches the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle-axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. InuYasha, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Kohaku and they "ride" forward.
InuYasha: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? No So be it! Come, Kohaku!
As InuYasha and Kohaku start to ride past the black knight, name Naraku, suddenly speaks
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.
InuYasha: Nani?
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.
InuYasha: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Naraku: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Katz: Augh! This is taking too long! The chapters almost over guys! Come on, lets skip to here, after InuYasha cuts off Naraku's arms and legs.
Finally, InuYasha cuts the Naraku's arms and legs off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open wounds.
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
InuYasha: A SCRATCH? Your limbs are off!
Naraku: No it they aren't! I've had worse. Come on, you pansy!
InuYasha: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy.
Naraku: Come on, then!
InuYasha: What?!?
Naraku: at you!
InuYasha: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no limbs left!
Naraku: Yes I have!
InuYasha: LOOK!!!
Naraku: Just a flesh wound! Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
InuYasha: Lets go Kohaku.
Naraku: Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Katz: CUT! Good, okay everyone, okay, lets skip the scene here. God appears giving the knights the quest to find the Shikkon jewel. Lets pick up with The Camelot Song. God, this will be good.
InuYasha: Sengoku Jidai!
Miroku: Sengoku Jidai!
Sango: Sengoku Jidai!
Kagome: Sengoku Jidai!
Kohaku: Pfft, it's only a model.
Everyone: Shhh!
Everyone crowds around the camera arms around each other as they dance and sing can-can style on a table in the castle, Sango warily keeping an eye on Miroku.
Everyone: We're Knights of the Round Table, we dance whenever we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, we dine well here in Sengoku Jidai, we eat Ramen, Rice, and tons of pocky! We're Knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, we're opera mad in Sengoku Jidai; we sing stupid songs of joy. In war we're tough and able, quite in- de-fatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable! It's a busy life in Japan
InuYasha: We take Ramen breaks whenever we can!
We returns to the scene outside with everyone staring at the castle with blank faces
InuYasha: On second thought, it's a dumb place, lets just go.
Everyone: Yeah, all right, fine, whatever.
Everyone: Bravely bold Myoga, Brought forth from Olde Japan. He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Sir Myoga! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Myoga. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Myoga. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, and his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, and his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his-
Myoga: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Three headed knight: HALT!!!
Katz: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the giant proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his ideas! Brave Sir Robin ran away. Bravely ran away When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled yes brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly chickened out!
Myoga: No I didn't! Lies! All Lies!
We see Miroku banging on a castle door, thinking this is the place of the Holy Grail, but he is surprised when a young woman answers the door. Miroku tries to hold back his emotions when he asks her to take him to the Shikkon Jewel.
Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!
Miroku: The Castle Anthrax??
Zoot: Yeah, It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, But *we* are nice! And we will attend to your every, *every* need!
Miroku: You are the keepers of the Shikkon Jewel?
Zoot: The what?
Miroku: The Jewel. It is here.
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Creeper!
Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.
Others: Yes, Sir Zoot. Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: The beds here are warm and soft, and very, *very* big.
Miroku: Well, look, I-
Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?
Miroku: Miroku, the monk.
Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot. Oh, but come!
Zoot and some other girls try to shove Miroku up the stairs, Miroku tries to keep his mind on task, but we all know he can't resist.
Miroku: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Jewel!!
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
Miroku: No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it--
Zoot: Sir Miroku! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality!
Miroku: Well, I--I, uh.
Zoot: Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young blondes and brunettes... all between 16 and 19-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights! Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. Oh!! But you are wounded!
Miroku: No, no, it-it's nothing!
Miroku tries to resist and run away but he is held back
Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive.
Piglet: Well... what seems to be the trouble?
Miroku: They're DOCTORS?
Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes. Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your art.
The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Miroku of his shield and staff, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole scene.
Winston: *Try* to relax...
Miroku: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We *must* examine you...
Miroku: There's nothing wrong with *that*!
Winston: Please.... we *are* doctors.
Miroku tries to run off again forcing his way down the stairs
Miroku: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!
Winston: Back to your bed at once!
Miroku: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Jewel!
Piglet: There's no jewel here...
Miroku: I have seen it, I have seen it! I have-
Suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into staircase, where he almost runs into Zoot!!
Dingo: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
Miroku: Oh. Well, excuse me, I--
Dingo: Where are you going?
Miroku: I seek the Jewel! I have seen it, here, in this castle!
Dingo: No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Zoot!
Miroku: What is it?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is jewel-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem...
Galahad: It's not the real Jewel????!
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot! She is a *naughty* person, and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the jewel-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her. You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!
Miroku: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...
Katz: Cut! Good job everyone. O_o; We don't have much time left, so lets cut to the last scene, Sesshoumaru?
Sesshoumaru is wearing a knight's suit while sitting in the fort, feet kicked up on the ledge while he reads a novel boredly.
Sesshoumaru: Huh? Oh, yes, very well.
InuYasha: Sango! Miroku! Myoga!
Kagome: Guys! Sango!
InuYasha: Sango!
We see Sango, Miroku, and Myoga standing by a police car while Jessi frisks them all, not knowing she's stealing all their money and note in their pockets.
InuYasha: Look! Its is The Castle Aaaagh! Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- LORD JESUS CHRIST!
An Arrow is shot at them, barley missing them by a few inches
Sesshoumaru: -in a remarkably good French Accent- Allo, dappy Human k- niggets and Monsieur InuYasha, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
InuYasha: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Sengoku Jidai, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
Sesshoumaru: How you Humans say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us YouKai folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
InuYasha: -vein pop- In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
Sesshoumaru: No chance, human bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
InuYasha: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of God and the glory of our--
Sesshoumaru pours a bucket of goo on InuYasha and Kagome while humming softly
InuYasha: Gah! Right! That settles it!
Sesshoumaru: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of you already! -maniacal laughter-
InuYasha: Walk away. Just ignore them.
Sesshoumaru: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard anything yet, dappy human k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
InuYasha: We shall attack at once!
Kagome: Yes, my liege!
InuYasha: Stand by for attack! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, .....we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the Shikkon Jewel returns to those whom God has chosen! Charge!
And Army of knights charge toward Sesshoumaru who returned to kicking his feet up reading and a police siren goes off, Jessi gets out of the truck and shoves everyone inside
Kaede: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
Jessie: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
Kaede: Get that one.
Jessi: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along. Put this man in the van. Clear off. Come on.
Kagome: With whom?
Jessi: Which one, this one? Put him in the van, get a blanket. Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! Run along! Run along! Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
As Katz walks on stage ready to say that it was too hectic Jessi shoves me off the stage
Katz: Christ! OW!
Katz wakes up a short while later seeing everyone pack up to leave.
Sesshoumaru: Tomorrow, we better be doing something, not-hectic.
Katz: Tomorrow I'll begin finding scripts for Road To Perdition, I promise.
Everyone left and Katz gave Jessi a look as she smiled and waved them away.
