Disclaimer: Severus Snape and Remus Lupin do not belong to me, nor do any of the other Harry Potter characters that show up in this piece of work. Which, by the way, I'm not making any money off of.
Dedication: This is for all of you who reviewed the first bit and convincing me to continue. :-) And for Kitten...read it, and you'll figure out why! You may notice a running joke throughout the series...hehe...
Author's note: This is chapter two to "Someday Out of the Blue." I have no idea where this story is going, or has been. We can find out together! From Remus' point of view. And all of the werewolf stuff in here I have pulled out of my own mind. I did a lot of research on wolves for it, though, so it makes a lot of sense.
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 2
//Here comes the night//
//Here come the memories//
//Lost in your arms//
//Down in the foreign fields//
//Not so long ago//
//Seems like eternity//
//Those sweet afternoons//
//Still capture me//
Another day. Full of meetings and briefings and everything else that one did in wartime. And Remus Lupin was not ready for it, not ready at all.
//I'm a scholar, not a soldier...// He thought, resting his head on his hand as he stared down at a stack of notes that Dumbledore had sent down to him. This was more Sirius' type of thing then his. He was the brawn, Remus was the brain. Which, he mused, was probably why he was here at Hogwarts, not out and about like Sirius was. The werewolf felt safe at Hogwarts at least, but he worried about Sirius. Though he figured if the man could get himself out of Azkaban, and escape the ministry for years, he really wasn't inall that much danger.
He turned his mind back to the notes in front of him. Apparently there was a slow down in Death Eater activity. And no reason as to why. The school was operating as usual, with a careful eye kept on a few select students. Death Eaters gathering strength, inflitrating the ministry...it was all the same. And it was exactly the same as it had been all those years ago. Did it never change? What was it that muggles said about history, and that it always repeated?
//I could tell them that.// Remus sighed, pushing the papers away. He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to wipe exhaustion out of them. It was only a few days after the full moon, and the week following his change always left him feeling drained. The week before he was full of energy. His life was pretty much ruled by the change, it always had been.
//For the love of god, even my sex life revolves around it.// Remus sighed. People had many, many false ideas about werewolves. He had read a lot of books on the subject, and most made reference to the wolf and the man. They didn't know what they were talking about. The wolf *was* the man. If he wanted to be completely honest with himself, the wolf was a bit more in charge. When he was in wolf form, hardly any of his human mind remained. but in human form...he still had wolfish impulses. He preferred rare, red meat, had serious pack instincts....just look at his school years. He would have gone mad if it hadn't been for James, Sirius and Peter. He was stronger then average, had an almost preternatural sense of smell, and...well...he didn't like thinking how it affected his romantic life.
//Get a grip on yourself, Remmy.// he thought. He needed a good cup of tea. He waved his wand, conjruing up a steaming cup. tea would help calm his nerves. He hated what he was. He always had...how could he not, when it caused so many people close to him to turn away? Even his own parents...
//Don't think about it.// He gripped the teacup hard, wrapping his hands around it. Don't think about it. That was practically his mantra. There was just so much he didn't want to think about. And it all stemmed from his curse. He supposed it was a very good thing he was what was termed as an 'omega'. He was a follower, not a leader. That meant he didn't have the violent urges and impulses that some werewolves had. Except of course in his unchecked werewolf form. There was nothing wrong with him. But no one would listen.
Remus drank his tea, focusing on trivial things. It was good to be back at Hogwarts, to see Harry again. He felt a pang of sorrow for the boy. To go through so much, so young...he knew how he felt. He had been just a child when he was turned. He supposed it was a good thing the changes didn't start until he'd hit maturity. There was no way a nine year old boy would be able to handle that.
Unbidden, the memory surfaced in his mind. Funny enough, he couldn't remember the actual attack. He had wandered away from his family, and gotten lost. He was out far past dark, and it was a full moon. And it had happened...but he remembered afterwards. His father had found him...had his father chased the werewolf off? He couldn't remember. but he did remember his father carrying him home, talking to him softly. He had cleaned the wound, and dressed it, and told young Remus that everything was fine. Then he had fixed him som hot cocoa, and sat down to write a letter. The representative from the Department for Disposal of Dangerous Creatures had arrived three days later.
//He was only doing the right thing.// Remus told himself firmly. The ministry had taken him into custody, over his mother's pleas and protests. They had tested him, and talked with him, and pushed him as far as they could to ensure he was 'safe'. And always there had been the notes...writing everything down. He was sent home weeks later, his parents instructed in what they would have to do id they decide to 'keep him'. Chain him down when the changes started, keep him locked up...they had agreed. It was never talked of again, but Remus' father shut him out afterwards. There was a distance between them that would never be breeched. It was his mother who had approached Dumbledore about accepting him to Hogwarts. And he thanked her from the bottom of his heart.
It was getting late. Remus knew he wasn't going to get any work done tonight. Once the remembering and self pitying started, he had to see it through. He didn't do it too often, but when he did he went all out. It was a healing thing for him...a few hours of self torment and anguish. Followed usually by a night of deep, dreamless sleep. Stripping down to his pair of faded pants, Remus crawled into bed and pulled the covers up over him. He lay on his back, eyes closed. His father had only been the first. Every werewolf was registered with the ministry, so they could keep track of them. Well, every werewolf that was sane and competent enough to register. There were wild ones, those who had given up any vestige of humanity and returned to the forests to live as beasts. Werewolves could change whenever they wanted, but every time they did they lost a little more of themselves to the wolf. Remus never changed until the moon forced him.
Because of the registry, it was easy for anyone suspicious to look you up. Remus had learned that the hard way. Jobs lost, lovers, friends...so many who turned from him when they discovered what he was. So he learned. Never stay in one place long enough to let them get suspicious. Bring up the fact that you're sickly early on, so you can use that as an excuse when you're worn out from the change. Better let them think you're weak then a monster. He gave up on friends, changed jobs, and lovers...
Well, that was something else entirely. Remus didn't worry about that too much. He knew for a fact he wasn't going to meet someone and fall in love. It didn't work that way for werewolves. They mated for life. Once he gave his heart away, that was it. It was well and truly given. And Remus-foolish young man that he had been-had done so a long time ago.
//Unrequited love.// he mentally scoffed. //Don't tell me about unrequited love. Try falling in love with one person, and never being able to fall out. And have that person think you're nothing more then a beast. And to know you'll never love anyone else...never be *able* to love anyone else...// No one knew. He hadn't been able to tell anyone. Oh, if someone was really interested in his mating habits all they'd have to do was look in the right books. But he didn't dare let on that he had found his life mate...regardless of whether that person knew it or not.
//Sirius, you have no idea what you did.// And Remus certainly wasn't going to tell him. It wasn't anything that needed saying, not now. It had been too many years, gone too long. And it didn't really matter anymore. He had learned to live with it. But that moment of rejection replayed itslf over and over in his mind. He could remember it all, in crystal clear perfection in his mind.
~ Hogwarts, Remus' 5th year~
"Why, Sirius?" Remus couldn't keep the plaintive tone out of his voice, and he knew his eyes were bright with unshed tears. His hands were clasped tightly together, and he felt something heavy and thick in his throat.
"I dunno." Sirius shrugged, robes sliding over his muscular shoulders. "I mean...it's no big deal...no harm done..."
No harm done! No harm done! Remus had a sudden urge to shake Sirius until his head snapped off. But he was too weak to do it, even if he'd really wanted to. How could Sirius begin to comprehend what he had done? It had taken so long for Remus to reach Severus, to bring them to the point they were in their relationship. They had been together for nearly a year-in secret, of course-and the other boy was just beginning to open up. And now...now what. That had not been how Remus wanted to breech the subject of his lycanthropy.
"You shouldn't have..." Was all Remus could get out. James was looking on with anxious eyes, and Peter hung in the background. Remus had a feeling James could sense the unspoken in the air. All three of Remus' friends had made comments about his 'friendship' with Severus. And none of them approved. Sirius worst of all. Was that why he had done it?
"I said I was sorry." Sirius repeated for about the tenth time. "I don't know what else you want me to say."
"Nothing." Remus said, though the word was spoken with far more snap then he'd intended.. "I have to go..." He needed to talk to Severus. He needed to explain, to apologize...
He didn't remember what had happened. He had no clear memory of what he did as a werewolf. He knew he hurt himself...he awoke in his human form with the wounds on him. And he was told. He was glad he couldn't remember well. From what he heard, he was nothing but a mindless beast. And they said he had gone after Severus...what if he had hurt him? Or killed him...or changed him....
//I didn't want to tell him yet!// Remus had to keep a firm hold of himself, to not break into a run through the hallways. He knew Severus' schedule as well as his own, and the Slytherin boy should be in the library. Remus had been waiting to tell him about his condition. He hadn't wanted it to be an issue in the relationship. He realized now that that had been a foolish thing to do. But he wanted to wait until Severus was in love with him...
He paused, outside of the library. He had ended up running anyway, even though he didn't really have the strength for it. He caught his breath, and ran a hnd through his disheveled hair. He straitened his faded black school robes before pushing the door open.
Severus was sitting in his usual spot at the back of the library, a large book open in front of him. Remus paused, just looking at him. It had been a year since the night on the grounds, where they had first begun this clandestine love affair. They had both agreed to tell no one. They were cordial and civil to each other by day, that was nothing different. Bt at night...they'd sneak out to walk the ground together, usually in comfortable silence. Remus did most of the talking, going on about school work or things like that. Severus would listen, and interject something every so often. He wasn't a very affectionate person, vocally or physically. Their relationship was a slow growing one. But this year it had been different. Severus had opened up far more, talking a bit about his life. It wasn't a very happy one. Remus thought his life was bad...and he had begun to be more...affectionate.
A small smile curved Remus' lips, as he leaned against the doorframe watching the object of his affection. He wondered if Severus knew how beautiful he really was. Long, soft black hair, pale skin, midnight black eyes, aquiline features. Remus shuddered as he thought about the way Severus' skin felt under his fingers, the way his slim body felt when it was pressed against his own. He couldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be then in Severus' embrace. Even if that embrace was a bit distant. They were both alone in their own ways, but they were alone together. He because of his curse. Even with James, Sirius and Peter, he was still alone. They could never truly understand what it was like to be cast out, cast aside because of something they had no control over. But Severus could.
His presence had been sensed. Severus' head lifted gracefully, and his black eyes regarded Remus cooly a moment before going back to his book. Was that a good sign, or not? Remus swallowed, his nerves suddenly flaring into action. A cold lump formed in his stomach, and that funny thick feeling was back in his throat. He swallowed hard, trying to force it down. He shoved his hands in his pockets, walking slowly over to the table where Severus sat.
"Severus, I..." He began, but the dark flash of Severus' eyes as he looked up silenced him.
"I don't associate with beasts."
The words were harsh, and the tone harsher. It cut through Remus like a blade. He could smell the cold, quiet rage coming off of Severus clearly. His voice was the same dead cold, icy and aloof. A beast. That was what Severus thought of him. He clenched his teeth together tightly. The hotness in his throat was spreading, and rising. It was threatening to turn into a sob. He quelled it, forcing it down. He could feel his eyes start to water, that hot tingling feeling starting at his eyelids. He supposed he really shouldn't have been surprised. He knew Severus' views. Wasn't that the reason he had never told him? Because he didn't just fear rejection, he was nearly assured it?
"I understand." He sighed, the words coming out as hardly more then a breath. He swallowed back another sob, telling himself firmly he wasn't going to cry over Severus Snape. If he was going to cast him aside because of something so stupid....
Turning slowly, determined to keep his dignity, Remus walked out of the library, back to the Gryffindor tower, to the boys dorm, where he threw himself down on his bed and finally allowed himself to cry.
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Chapter 3 on it's way!
