Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, I am making no money off of this whatsoever. If I was, do you really think I'd be posting it for free on the internet? ;-)
Warning: Slash! That means male on male...something or other. Fluff, sex, romance...all of the above even! I will tell you again. This is a slash story involving two men in a romantic or sexual relationship. Men liking other men. So if that's not your deal, stop reading. And don't say I didn't warn you because I did. In nice big letters. With lots of small words that anyone could understand.
Dedication: This is for everyone who reviewed the first two parts. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much those reviews mean to me!
Author's Note: In which we finally learn Snape's big secret! Yes Kitten, the joke's still running. I'm not sure why I'm putting the two of them through so much, I just feel like it. See everyone, I don't just make poor Remmy's life miserable! Snape's life sucks too!
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 3
//I still believe//
//I still put faith in us//
//We had it all and watched it slip away//
//Where are we now//
//Not where we want to be//
//Those hot afternoons//
//Still follow me//
"I've been over it again and again." Remus Lupin was saying, his voice calm and rational. "If we want to sway the ministry...which I still think we should...we have to tread very carefully..."
Severus Snape wasn't listening. Oh, he didn't mean to not listen. He had started out paying very close attention. But somewhere along the line his mind had begun wandering. Lupin was repeating the same thing over and over anyway. About keeping the ministry abreast of some movements, for various reasons. He wanted the ministry to be alerted of anything they did that got back to Voldemort. That way the ministry felt better about things, and Voldemort had proof that his information was accurate. It made sense. Lupin always had been intelligent. Unlike Black, who was having difficulty grasping the simple plan.
He had always been so patient, Remus Lupin. Whether it be with that overgrown brute Black or with the students when he had been teaching. And with Snape himself when they had been....close. There it was again. That odd sense of regret that Snape got when he thought about Lupin. Where had that come from? He hadn't been *that* hurt when whatever they had been between them ended. Certainly not so bad that it would still be bothering him now.
//then why can I not put that god forsaken man out of my mind?// It had begun with memories at night. Well, that wasn't all that odd. Snape spent most of his nights lost in his memories. Though usually they focused on things far bloodier then Remus Lupin. But it only made sense considering the man was here again. But lately he had begun wandering those long traveled thought paths even during the day. Like now.
"I think we have exhausted this particular branch of possibility." He snapped, growing tired of Lupin's quiet voice and Black's haughty oppositions. Dumbledore nodded.
"I am inclined to agree. We shall...keep the ministry posted." The headmaster said. "It seems the Death Eaters are quiet. Gathering their strength. This will give us time to get ourselves ready."
"If there is nothing else...?" Snape let the question hang. Suddenly he had an overpowering urge to be anywhere but there. He wanted to be gone, far into the depths of his dungeon and far away from the dark recesses of his mind.
"I think so." Lupin said quietly, and Snape automatically turned his head when the other man spoke. He found his eyes meeting Lupin's earnest, good natured gaze. How did that man always manage to seem so...so damn cheerful? It was a humble, reserved cheerfulness, but there it was all the same. And Snape couldn't stand it. There was something about it that rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't speak, but rose swiftly-a bit too swiftly-and headed for the door.
"Damn him!" Snape muttered under his breath. He took a deep breath once he was outside the room, and tried desperately to chase the thought and image of Remus Lupin from his mind. He could hear them talking quietly inside, Black's voice as loud and grating as ever, easily identifiable over the others. Stupid oaf...It almost drowned out the sound of the door opening...
"Severus? Are you all right...?"
"I am fine, Lupin." He refused to look at the other man. He stared strait ahead, standing a bit rigidly. He already haunted his thoughts, why did he have to hound him in life as well?
"You stormed out of there so quickly..."
"I have things to do." Voice cold, words clipped. It was something he slipped into, whenever he spoke to Lupin. What business was it of his if Snape was distressed or not? "If you will excuse me?" Throwing back his shoulders, he turned on his heel to sweep past Lupin, expecting the other man to jump aside...as most people did when Snape was on the war path. But Lupin didn't move, and Snape brushed against him lightly. It was the barest of touches, but to Snape it felt as though he had been burnt. He made no show of it, stalking off down the hall, mind thrown back...
That concern. That bloody, god forsaken, sincere concern! Why did it bother Snape so badly? It didn't used to...of course, things were different then. That had been before Snape knew what Lupin was. He didn't care for the concern of an animal.
//Beast....should be destroyed....// But it was more from rote then true feelings. He had no true desire to see Lupin dead, only wished him gone and out of his life. There were far too many reasons that the werewolf made him uncomfortable. The fact that Lupin was his first broken heart was certainly a focus point, there was something else. Lupin...knew things. Things that Snape had worked very, very hard to keep quiet. But, in a fit of...something, he had broken down and told Lupin.
//Why did I tell him?// Snape stormed into his office, slamming his door behind him. He threw himself down in his chair, grasping for some papers to grade. That would take his mind off of things...only it didn't. He realized after a few moments he was simply making random marks with his quill. His thoughts were years away. Why? What was it about Lupin that had broken down his defenses so? There was nothing special about the boy. True, he had that trusting air about him. And he had seemed to live only for others...always putting himself last. He would push aside his own problems immediately...come to think of it, Snape couldn't really remember young Lupin as having any problems...but he had been more then willing to listen to others.
~Hogwarts, 5th year~
"Are you all right?" Remus Lupin looked eagerly up at Severus Snape, his amber eyes anxious.
"Fine." Severus was leaning against the wall of a not very well used corridor in the dungeon. His shoulders were slumped, and he refused to look at the other boy.
"You stormed out of the Great Hall..."
"Just leave it alone, Remus." Severus snapped, shooting a quick glare over his shoulder. Remus was chewing his lower lip slightly, eyes wide and eager to help. Severus sighed, gritting his teeth together. He could be bitter and cold and harsh to everyone but Remus. There was just something about the other boy that Severus couldn't stand up against. All Remus had to do was stand there, not talking, just staring with those big eager eyes of his, and Severus found himself talking. Even when he didn't want to. "A letter, that's all." he finally added.
"Oh." Remus nodded. "Is everything all right?"
"Mmmm." Severus just nodded, imperceptibly. Why had she written him? Did she have any idea what she could have done? If anyone had seen it....it could have ruined everything. Severus had worked very, very hard to keep his life the way it was. And then *she* had to interfere...
"From who?"
The dreaded question. Severus looked away again, leaving a very heavy silence hanging between them. He stared at the floor, his jaw set. He couldn't answer the question. He crossed his arms over his chest, his shoulder digging into the cold stone of the wall. It was rough and uneven, and grated through the fabric of his school robes. It was something to focus on. Anything other then the letter, and Lupin.
"You don't have to tell me..." Remus' voice had the defeated tone Severus knew so well now. It was soft and resigned, with no hint of anger or indignation. Remus was far too accepting of things. It went strait through him, that quiet unassuming tone. Severus had no idea how he felt about Remus, other then he did. He risked the complete rejection of his friends to be with the other boy, and considering his friends included Lucius Malfoy, that was saying quite a lot. Remus was Gryffindor, and his family was poor...
//You cannot look down on him for that.//
Severus knew well what his 'friends' thought of Remus Lupin and his group. Muggle lovers, dirt, mud-bloods...he knew the terms well, and spouted them out himself. He never said a word about Remus though. He had, at first, when the relationship had begun. But now he kept his mouth shut. He wasn't about to defend his...well, whatever Remus was to him. he didn't really like to define the relationship. He abhorred the term 'boyfriend' and the term 'lover' didn't exactly fit. Beloved? Perhaps...but not quite.
"My mother."
"But...." The confusion was evident in Remus' voice. Severus sighed, still looking at the floor. "Sev, I thought you were an orphan..."
"I know." No explanation. Why had he said that? Why couldn't he have let the silence hang, perhaps just turned and held his arms out to Remus...but no, he would never solicit affection or comfort. Remus would have eventually put his arms around him, knowing he was bothered by something. And that would have been all right. Severus didn't mind Remus touching him much anymore. At first he had. Touching had never meant anything good to Severus. He kept looking at the floor. It was dirty, and uneven. There were cracks on the stone, and Severus mused that it would not be hard to trip, if someone was running.
Remus remained quiet. Severus swallowed hard, resting his head against the stone wall. There were simply no words. How could he tell Remus about her? No one knew...no one could know. As far as everyone was concerned, Severus Snape was an orphan. No one bothered to ask questions; not of a pale, haunted boy with dead black eyes. Who would want to? Not even Remus had ever broached the subject of conversation. But Severus had a feeling that where family was concerned, Remus hadn't made out all that well either.
"I would appreciate if you didn't mention this to anyone." Severus finally said. Would Remus keep his mouth shut?
"I won't."
"No, of course not." Severus gave a cold little laugh. He clenched his fists, turning to press his forehead against the cool stone. The letter was still clasped tightly in his hand. He wanted to tear it apart and forget it had ever come to him. That stupid bitch!
"Is...is everything okay?"
he was still prying? Severus closed his eyes, pretending he hadn't heard. //Please Remus, just let it go.//
"She needs money." He said, the words making themselves known of their own accord. It was as though Severus no longer had control of his voice, it had taken over.
"Oh."
"She does this..." Severus continued, defeated. Remus placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed reassuringly. "Usually she waits until I come hom for the summer...it's easier that way. She's never mailed me here...I told her not to. I give her what she needs when I can."
"You're...poor, then?" He could tell Remus was trying to piece everything together.
"You've no idea..." Severus gave another bitter laugh. "No, not poor. 'Poor' eludes to the fact that there is a minimal amount of money. We have none. Whatever money she makes goes strait to the bottle." Whatever money. A pence here, perhaps a two-bit...Severus doubted the woman had seen a pound note in her life. And she always went after him for money...well, his money was his.
//I *earn* it myself.// He shuddered at the thought. No matter how Remus pried, he'd never get *that*out of him. //Damned if she'll see a penny of it. I'll steal food for her, but my wages are mine.//
"I understand. What about your father?"
"Hah!" Severus turned to face Remus, his black eyes glittering dangerously. "What about him? All *I* know about him is that he was a wizard. He would have had to have been, or I doubt I would have been in Slytherin..." Remus' hand tightened again on Severus' shoulder, offering silent support.
"Only purebloods are accepted to Slytherin?"
Severus felt himself tense, unbidden. //Don't say anything. Just let it go. Nod, or something, but do not answer him!//
"Half bloods as well."
//DAMN IT!// Severus squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed his forehead harder against the wall. There. It was out, Remus knew his secret. He was a half blood...father a wizard, mother a....a muggle. He'd rather be thought an orphan then that. Muggles were dirty, beneath them.
Remus' arms went around him, and he laid his head against Severus' back. Severus allowed this, a part of him thankful for the comfort the other boy offered. He kept his eyes closed, just thinking about Remus' warm weight against back. The only other person who ever touched him was his mother, and that was generally to smack him or kick him or shove him out the door. Oh, and there was Black. Black would push him, or trip him, or casually knock his books out of his hands. And he couldn't forget his mother's 'friends'. Cruel, dirty men who couldn't afford better then a two-bit gutter whore. They would touch him too, sometimes...
"I won't tell anyone." Remus said softly.
"Thank you." Severus turned in Remus' arms, opening his eyes. Remus didn't care. What should he, he was poor as well, and a Gryffindor. They were all a self righteous, championing lot. Remus smiled softly, his amber eyes warm and full of affection. No one had ever looked at Severus like that before. He reached out a hand and ran it down the side of Remus' face, awed by the simple fact that the tawny haired boy *liked* him. Who had ever liked Severus Snape before? Even his friends didn't actually like him. They were in the same House, and shared the same views, and so they were friends.
Remus turned his face into the caress, his eyes closing slowly. Severus just trailed his fingers along Remus' cheek and jaw line, before letting his hand fall to rest on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt uncomfortable. That happened, sometimes, when he found himself being affectionate. Clearing his throat, he hastily pulled his hands off of Remus, averting his eyes. Remus stepped back, eyes full of understanding.
"We should get to class."
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//He did keep it quiet.// Snape reflected. Lupin had never said a word to anyone about Snape's parentage. Which was half the reason Snape had kept Lupin's secret quiet for so long. The other half was Dumbledore. But now it didn't matter. The man had brought it upon himself. And yet...he hadn't retaliated. He very well could have. Casually mention to the Potter boy: "Well, it's alright really, considering Snape's practically a Mud blood."
Snape sat back in his chair. How different things could have been...if Lupin hadn't been a beast, if he hadn't used him the way he did...that was what had hurt the most. He had though Lupin liked him. Had been kind to him out of genuine affection. Obviously not. He should have known better then to get involved with him. He was one of *them*. Nothing but a conniving little bully.
//I suppose, in a way, I was in love with him.// It was an odd thought to have. Snape had never been one to dwell in the past. Thinking about it and dwelling in it were two different things. He rarely went and picked those memories apart, and never thought about the would haves and could haves.
//It doesn't matter now.// He shuffled though the papers, forcing his mind to focus on them. Whether or not he loved Remus Lupin when they were both school boys had nothing to do with anything anymore. That time was gone, and whatever he had felt for him was dead now.
Wasn't it?
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Chapter 4 on it's way! Please review!
