Disclaimer: Sev and Remus are not mine. I'm just borrowing them. :-)
Dedication: To Kitten and Becca, for always being there first. And for my muse, who has been working in overdrive lately. Thanks, Valyn!
Author's Note: Okay, here we go. This one took me a while, actually. We're getting there! Still no idea where we're going here. I'm just writing! I am listening to the soundtrack to Shock Treatment while writing this so I have no idea if that will have any affect. ;-D
EEP! I'm running out of song, and not story. Ah well, I've got another good Elton John song all line up...how long is this thing going to be, anyway? Don't ask me, I sure as heck don't know. Oh yeah, for those of you who have asked, I doubt there is ever going to be any graphic sex in this one. It's just be gratuitous....
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 7
//I still believe//
//I still put faith in us//
The cauldron bubbled and steamed, thin wisps of smoke wafting up out of the copper rim. Severus Snape stood over it, black eyes carefully measuring out each ingredient, not needing anything so trivial and mundane as a scale. He knew them by sight and sense of smell, and could measure with his eyes.
//Why are you doing this?// He asked himself again. Not the potion, he knew damn well why he was making the potion. For Remus Lupin, to render him helpless in his animal form. But why in hell had he agreed to speak to him? There was nothing to say, nothing to hear. It was too late for whatever apologies Lupin had come up with. But there had been something in those eyes that had reached into Snape's soul, and grabbed on hard.
//You are a fool, undone by a pair of pleading golden eyes.// Snape tipped in a handful of dried herbs, stepping back as the potion sizzled and bumbled. But there had been so much pain in those eyes...and such familiarity. He had seen those eyes through so much, and they had not changed. They were sadder now, if that were possible. They had always been so sad...
//Stop it!// Snape cursed himself. //If you must feel for him, pity him as you would pity an abused dog, as that is all he is.//
But no animal could possibly have such understanding and humility in their eyes. Try as he might, Snape could not push thoughts of Lupin away. And they were not the usual thoughts of anger, hatred and loathing. There was still anger, there would always be anger. But the hatred was receding. The man had tried so many times to approach Snape, why? To make things better? To explain, to apologize? But Snape had never had anything of it. Not after that night, not at graduation, not last year, and not now!
//But you've agreed to hear him out.// The thought made his lips curl, and he narrowed his eyes, glaring into the steam that rose from the cauldron. Why had he given in, finally? //You did not give in. If you hear him out, he will stop pestering you.//
And that would be a blessing. He wanted the man gone. Especially now. Snape needed his thoughts focused, his mind alert. Voldemort was no fool, and it was difficult not to rouse his suspicions. Every word, every look, every movement had to be mapped out, fool proofed...
//Damn it all.// Snape tossed the last ingredients into the potion, and sat back to allow it to simmer. It would be ready soon, and then he would take it to Lupin, and would listen, and would be done with it.
//This is all you can do.// He told himself. //The best thing you can do it ignore him. Give him his sodding potion and then leave him with it.//
But he had said he would listen to Lupin. And Snape did keep his word, regardless of whom he had given it to. The best thing he could do?
//The best thing you could probably do Severus, is die.//
It was a very honest thought, in his opinion. He couldn't live for much longer, not how he was. No matter how clever, how careful, Voldemort would catch on eventually. And Snape would not run nor hide. He would face his *master* and atone for his sins. But that was later. Now, he had to deal with Lupin.
//You should have simply gotten it over with before this.// But he hadn't, and a small part of him knew why. If he listened to Lupin, if he allowed the man to give his side of events, he may be tempted to believe him. And what if he did? What if he did give credit to what Lupin told him? Snape was not a man who enjoyed admitting he was wrong. He would do it, but he would do so grudgingly. And say he *did*, for some bizarre reason, admit he had been wrong about...certain events. What came then? He did not feel like re-examining his life just because of Remus Lupin.
//You loved him once.//
The thought took Snape by surprise, it always did. He clenched his fists, gripping the arms of his chair tightly. Yes, he had loved Lupin, before he knew he was an animal. How could he have not fallen in love? He lived in hell, shunned and insulted by friend and foe alike, and then there was Remus. Gentle, tender, loving Remus, who had slipped unnoticed into his life and his heart.
//Why? Why did he have to be a monster. Why did he have to be friends with Black? Why did I have to care...?//
Regardless of not wanting to re-evaluate the path he had taken, he found himself doing so.
//And if he had not been, what then? We were boys. Surely some things would have been different, but not many. Perhaps I would not have...perhaps when I had gone home, things would have been different. But I would have still joined in the Dark Lord's cause. Lupin would not have kept me from that. I suppose it would have broken us up, had we still been together. The only difference would have been..// What? What difference would it have made? None, really.
//Nothing lasts forever.// It was a bitter thought, but a sobering one. Besides, Lupin hadn't cared for him....
//You don't know that! You assume. You have always assumed. You *assumed* you could keep your little secret quiet. Lupin found out. You *assumed* Lucius would protect you, speak up for you among the Death Eaters. He abandoned you as soon as he advanced himself. Stop assuming. Think for once, really think! Forget your own petty anger, and look at things rationally!//
After all the years, every little doubt and second thought rose up to confront him.
//Three years? Three years of friendship and then more. Why go to all that trouble? Why wait so long? If he had truly wished to humiliate me, he would simply have let slip that my mother was a muggle. And why bother to attempt to talk to me, if it were some trick. He has always claimed innocence...//
The potion was done. Snape stared at it, glaring at it as though it were the cause of his anger and distress. He snarled at it, rising roughly and spooning some of the contents into a goblet. He could put this off no longer. He tired to rouse his hatred once more, to wrap it around him like a cloak. But his usual defense escaped him. No matter how hard he tried, that hatred he felt (or, more accurately, thought he felt) would not come. He decided to settle with anger then. That came readily and easily, and his lips immediately rose into a sneer as he swept out of his office and up towards Lupin's rooms.
***
//This is stupid!// Snape paused outside the door of Lupin's rooms, again goading that hatred to rise up and overwhelm him. And he hated himself for *not* hating Lupin. But there was no more putting it off. Fixing his face into a mask of indifference and conceit, he knocked roughly on the door.
"Come in."
That voice. Rich and quiet. It was a voice with timbre. It hadn't changed much, either. Snape pushed open the door, goblet gripped tightly in hand.
"Your potion." He said gruffly, standing rigidly just inside of the doorway. Lupin was sitting on his bed, a book held in his lap.
"My thanks." Lupin said, raking his hair out of his face. He was far too young for the silver streaks that swam through the tawny gold. "Please, sit down."
There was only one chair in the room, and Snape took it stiffly. He would not allow himself to relax, to let his guard down. There were few things in the world that bothered him like Remus Lupin. //I would far rather be surrounded by ten Death Eaters and their pet Dementors then in Lupin's bedroom. I wish he would get on with this.//
"If you've something to say, Lupin, say it." Snape snapped, placing the potion on the small table by the chair. "I have things I must attend to. As do you."
"I know." Lupin closed his book, laying it on the bed beside him. His robes truly were in need of replacement. They were grey and darned in so many places they were more fit to line an animal's bed then clothe a man. "I know you don't want to hear anything I have to say, but I appreciate the fact that you'll listen anyway. I also know that this us coming a little late, but it's never late then never, eh?" Lupin gave a nervous chuckle, and Snape could see the strain in his face and his shoulders.
"Not necessarily, but do go on." Snape drawled, sitting back in the chair and folding his hands. This was going to be good...
"Regardless...I honestly didn't no what Sirius was planning on doing-"
"I have heard this before..."
"No, you haven't." Softly spoken words. Lupin never raised his voice, he only changed inflections when he bothered to make his emotions known. It wasn't his voice or his stance that betrayed him, it was his eyes. "You've heard that much. You've never let me get any farther. If I *had* known, I would have tied Sirius down and not let him out of his rooms for a month. Or...or I would have simply told him not to."
"Because that would have done oh so much good." This is what Lupin had wanted to talk about? Snape had been right. It was the same song and dance they had been going through since their 5th year. It would never change.
"It would have. But I didn't know. And I think he realized afterwards. I was...very angry with him. I never told him exactly why, he simply thought I hadn't liked being used. That was of course a part of it. But there was much more involved, as I'm sure you can appreciate..."
"No, Lupin, I can't. If that is all..." Snape rose swiftly, but Lupin was just as swift. One moment he was sitting on the bed, fretting, the next he was before Snape, blocking his exit.
"No, that's not all. You said you'd hear me out, and you will. Now sit."
Snape raised an eyebrow. He didn't like this proximity. He could practically *smell* Lupin. Cinnamon and ginger, his mind catalogued idly. He had tasted much the same as well. Severus could still feel it, on his tongue, if he thought hard enough...//Think of other things, think of other things. Recite the names, that will help...Heather Silverclaw. Kael Frost. Vane McArthur. Kristen Smith. Oric Handers...//
Snape sat down, eyes refusing to meet Lupin's. He went over the list of names he kept in his mind, not allowing his thoughts to stray in the direction of how nice Lupin smelled, and how tired he looked, and how beautiful...
"Good. I was angry at Sirius for causing what happened between us. That is definitely *not* how I wanted you to find out what I was. In all honesty, I didn't want you to find out. I realize that now, looking back on things. I knew you would shun me, just like you did. But I didn't want to think that of you, so I made up excuses. I told myself I wouldn't let on until I knew you were in love with me." A bitter laugh. "I was a foolish, romantic young man. And I was angry because I wasn't able to tell you, and at least have your initial reaction. That would have been better. At least it would have been *me* that turned you away.
"God, I was so stupid!" Lupin ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. "I actually thought there was hope for us, afterwards. I wouldn't have gone looking for you, if I hadn't. I should have just given up, but I couldn't....I..."
Lupin trailed off, turning away from Snape.
//I doubt he would be lying now.../// Snape frowned, eyes regarding the frail looking form of Remus Lupin. What did those words mean to him? Did he dare believe them? And what difference did they make now? In all honesty, none. Nothing was changed by those words. The past wasn't undone and rewoven by Lupin's heartfelt explanation. In fact, Snape rather wished he hadn't heard it. Things were easier when he could mindlessly hate the man. He had been a bully, a petty, cruel boy with no thought other then to cause Snape pain. Now...
"I see." Snape said, sighing. Perhaps Lupin had been an innocent. If so, Snape pitied him. To be used by his friends in such a way...well, that could be forgiven, he supposed. "This changes nothing, you understand."
"I understand."
The same words, the same tone, as so many years ago. Something told Snape that Lupin had always 'understood'. And even now, after all that had come to pass, the sight of a slump shouldered and defeated tawny haired Gryffindor still touched something inside of Snape.
//Give him something. At least to show you believe him. It won't hurt, and perhaps you'll feel better for it. Perhaps these thoughts and feelings will leave you be, and you can go back to how things were. You're in too precarious a position to lose sleep over Lupin.//
Give him something...but Snape had very little to give, other then bitterness and cruelty. Anything he gave would be a double edged sword, tinged with spite and pettiness. That was simply the way things were, now. He rose again, and Lupin made no move to stop him. He had heard the man out, that was all he had promised. He turned, something inside of him afire. This did change things, it changed them greatly. A tiny part of him reached down, beyond the anger and the spite and the self loathing, searching for that tiny spark...
//No!// He walked briskly to the door, not allowing himself to lower any of his internal defenses. So Lupin was nothing more then a pawn. But still...Snape glanced over his shoulder. Lupin was leaning against the wall, staring out the window. There was snow falling, and he looked fragile and almost angelic in the pale light. He suddenly and oddly reminded Snape of the sort of picture one saw on a Muggle Christmas card, faded and beautiful, framed in light.
//You can't let it end like this.// How he hated that voice! It was worse then anything else in his mind. The voice that would not give up on Remus, that would not let the man die! Sighing, Snape held the doorknob tightly, standing in the doorframe, ready to shut Lupin back in his little room with whatever thoughts he was lost in. //You can't leave him with nothing. He left you with something, you must return the favor. Or it will haunt you...//
"If you were waiting to tell me, until I loved you, you waited too long." Snape said softly, before walking out the door.
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Chapter 8 will be along!
