Disclaimer: Remmie and Sev still aren't mine. :-( No money being made off of this. The song lyrics belong to Joss Whedon.
Dedication: To Kay, for introducing me to Ramen. That stuff is amazing! And for doing nothing other then calling me silly and teasing me a little bit when finding out about my HP slash obsession.
Author's note: Chapter 8, wow! We're really rolling...okay, at this point it's to hell with the Elton John song lyrics, since they just sort of start repeating. I heard these lyrics, and they just hit me as fitting so perfectly... Oddly enough, I went back and read chapter 7, and it states that while writing it I was listening to the soundtrack of Shock Treatment. I guess I really like that soundtrack, cause I'm listening to it now, too. Then it's on to Hedwig and the Angry Inch...
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 8
//I know I should go but I follow you like a man possessed.//
//There's a traitor here beneath my breast//
//And it hurts me more then you've ever guessed//
If my heart could beat it would break my chest//
//But I can see you're unimpressed.//
//You couldn't have heard him right.//
Remus Lupin didn't often question his hearing, but he had no choice at this point. He hadn't turned when Severus spoke, he couldn't bring himself to. The words had cut strait through him, quiet as they had been. They replayed in his mind, over and over like a mantra.
"If you were waiting to tell me, until I loved you, you waited too long."
He heard the words. Each and every one separately, but for some reason, he just couldn't connect them. And he couldn't wrap his mind around their connected meaning.
//He loved me?// Remus turned away from the window, his knees weak and his legs shaking. He suddenly found it difficult to breathe. His breath hitched in his throat, and he was unsteady as he made his way to the bed, to sink into it with a heavy sigh. Dizziness was threatening, but the werewolf propped himself up with his hands. What did this mean? //He loved me.// It was the only coherent thought it Remus' mind. The fact that Severus had loved him.
//But he doesn't love you now.//
It was a bitter, painful thought. Remus scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling very tired all of a sudden. Why had he said that? Did the man have any idea what he had done? A hand went to wrap tightly around his left wrist, squeezing.
//I'd rather he have kept his mouth shut, really.// Remus laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was a position he took up all too often. Severus had loved him. *Had*. That was the part that hurt worse then anything. Somehow, it had been better when Remus thought he had never been loved. //What's that stupid muggle saying? Better to have love and lost then never loved at all...I don't buy into that at all. Before, it was okay, because I hadn't *really* lost anything. I'd never had him, not like that. And...if he had loved me...and...//
Unbidden, Remus felt tears springing to his eyes. The old betrayal hurt worse now. He had accepted and dealt with the fact that Severs had turned away from him, upon discovering his true nature. He had rationalized. If it caused Severus to hate him, then Severus wasn't really worth anything. If he had really loved him, the lycanthropy wouldn't matter. But it had, so therefore, Severus couldn't have loved him. But now...
//I'm not a monster. I'm not human, but I'm not a monster.//
He wanted very much to thrust all the blame onto Snape. *He* was the one who had ended it, he was the one who had caused the pain...
//But he hurt, too. He had to have. To find out, like that, that the person he loved was...a...well, what he considered a beast. Damn it, if he had let me talk to him back then...//
But what had been done, had been done. The rift was too deep now. And....
//It didn't matter. When it boils right down to it, he didn't care. What had he said? 'This changes nothing'. Well Remmie, what did you expect? That he'd throw himself at your feet, and proclaim his undying love for you? This isn't a fairy tale, this is real life. And even if there *was* some small glimmer of affection left there, his pride would never let him show it. But...at least I have some closure now.//
But suddenly, closure didn't matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. That spark of hope had flared up, and then died, leaving a dull and empty ache. Remus hadn't felt quite so bereft for a very long time. Not since...not since Severus had first spurned him. He had never felt pain quite like that. It had lasted, through the rest of the school year and on into the summer. And the worst part had been not being able to speak of it. To anyone. He had put up a front, a pleasant face. It had been worst, with Sirius. There had been times, when Sirius had been joking or playing, where Remus just wanted to lunge at him, shake him, strangle him...
//Damn you both!// Remus thought to himself, turning over to lie on his side. He pulled his pillow close, hugging it to him, and drawing his knees up around it. Neither one of them had any idea what it had done to him. Sirius had never lost someone he loved so deeply. Not the way Remus had loved Severus. Still did love...
At least in school, he had been able to focus on other things. Class work, his friends, tutoring...he could fill his mind with a million useless thoughts that didn't matter at all. Of course, every so often he'd turn the corridor and there would be a familiar lean figure with a scowl on his lips and anger in his eyes. And it would be like a fist had hit Remus right in the heart. He would falter, and cast his eyes down. He didn't want to see the hatred that was now directed towards him. And Sirius was even worse to Severus after that...
//What now?// That was the big question. //Sev had to have said that for a reason. His pride won't let him back down...I don't have that problem. Was that his way of letting me know...what? That there's still a chance? That he's forgiven me? I don't think it was said to hurt me. He seemed more...sad, then anything. Or as sad as he can get. Pensive, maybe is a better way to put it. Certainly tired. We're both so tired now. We grow old, and bitter, and scared. We look backwards and forwards, and suddenly the road behind us is a lot longer then the road ahead of us. And we realize there are a lot more bumps and ditches there then we'd thought, and we wonder how we got over them. Then we look in horror before us, because there's a dark forest looming...//
//Okay. At first you were philosophical, now you're just pathetic. Now isn't the time to worry about what's coming. Now you just have to worry about what is. And since you seem pretty useless right now when it comes to politics, your immediate concern is what just happened. Forget the fact that it hurts. You've hurt worse. God, you almost made a stupid mistake over it before. Look at things rationally...//
Remus turned back onto his back, kicking off his shoes and wiggling out of his robes. He slipped under the covers, snuggling down into the soft warmth. He was still hugging his pillow, and he held it firmly to his stomach. He took a deep breath, shifting slightly to settle himself more comfortably into the mattress.
//Maybe...maybe this is your second chance. We're more equipped to deal with things now. Severus is willing to listen, and I'm not going to go do something stupid just because he doesn't love me. He'll have to bring me more potion tomorrow. Perhaps we can talk again. Not like today, though. I'll invite him in for a cup of tea. Just a friendly cup of tea...//
Remus closed his eyes, nodding to himself. That was the way to do it. Things would be better this time. Idly, one of his fingers traced a small line of raised flesh on his left wrist. He wouldn't let his mind dwell on how things could have been. For better or worse.
~Summer after 5th year~
Remus spent most of the day in his bedroom. His family left him too it, his mother popping her head in every so often to ask if he needed anything. He claimed he was studying, he had always been very studious. He knew his mother was worried, but he hoped she just chalked it up to the usual. There was no reason to put up brave faces and act as though nothing was wrong at home. They didn't know anything about it, and wouldn't ask even if they did.
//Why?// He asked it over and over again as he lay on his bed, tears threatening to leak out of his eyes. That funny tingling feeling was back, and his throat felt thick. His books were open around him, but he had no interest in any of it. Something inside of him *hurt*. It wasn't really a physical hurt, but almost. Like an aching, somewhere deep within him. Now that he was home, and away from his friends and schoolwork, he couldn't get his mind off of it. It consumed him.
//I never knew anything could hurt like this.// And Remus had been through plenty of pain in his sixteen years. Both physical and emotional. But nothing had been like this. This dull, throbbing all-encompassing pain inside of his heart. Was this normal? Sirius had been dumped, but he had never taken it like this.
Sirius. The name sparked a slew of other emotions inside of Remus. Anger, betrayal, fury, and something that was akin to hatred. It was*his* fault all of this had happened.
//He was supposed to be my friend! How could he do this?// It didn't matter that Sirius hadn't *known* about him and Severus...//Even if Sev and I weren't...hadn't been...he shouldn't have done that! Sev could have been killed. It's bad enough the way he treats him normally...they just don't know him. He's not evil, and he's not disgusting. Sirius can't stand anyone who's smarter then him. N wonder he gets into so many fights...//
Remus swallowed back a sob, biting at his lower lip. If he started crying, his mother would hear him, and would come in and ask what was wrong. Usually Remus wanted nothing more then to curl up with his mother, listening to her talk about things at home, or tell her about school. She never once said a word about the lycanthropy. She called him special, and unique. Never monster, or freak.
//Maybe...maybe it has something to do with the wolf?// Frowning thoughtfully, and glad of something to occupy his mind, he hopped off of his bed and padded over to his bookshelf. He pursed his lips, eyes running over the titles, looking for a particular large old book. It had been a gift, from Dumbledore, when he started at Hogwarts. The most reliable book of information on werewolves ever written. It was huge and complex, and Remus generally only looked in it when he needed to look something up. He pulled it off the shelf, grunting as he did so. He carried it over to the bed, tossing it down before scrambling up to lay on his stomach to read.
//What would it be under?// He sighed, dragging his finger down the long table of contents. He still couldn't shake the strange feeling inside of him, he hadn't been able to for weeks. But at least it had faded some.
//Bloodlust...carnality...cycles...family...feeding habits....mating.....Mating?// Remus blanched, flipping rapidly to page 621. He had never bothered to read the thing strait through...it was close to two thousand pages. Apparently it was the combined talents of over two centuries of werewolf study. Most of it was rather depressing, too. Most of it was written by an actual werewolf, so the information was accurate. The first line had always bothered Remus.
"I am not a man. No matter how I look it, I am not. I am a beast. All werewolves are. We can live as humans, but with great difficulty."
Remus refused to believe that he was a beast. he had never hurt anyone...but now wasn't the time! Now was looking up werewolf relationships...
//Mating ceremony? What the...? Mating habits. Mating rituals. Mating techniques...what is this, a sex manual for lycanthropes?// Remus skimmed the pages for any relevant information, a few sentences jumping out at him.
"Werewolves share much in common with the forest wolf. We are capable of deep emotion, more so then humans." That made sense. "We give ourselves completely, physically and emotionally. We crave affection." Still nothing much that helped. Remus had figured all of that out himself, or at least had experienced it. He could still remember how amazing it felt, making love to Severus. It had been the most fulfilling experience of Remus' life, when they had been joined...he knew in that moment he loved Severus purely and completely. He had felt everything come together, as though part of him had been missing and was now restored...
"We have an amazing recovery rate, able to perform many times within the space of an hour." Remus blushed. Severus had once commented on that, in an offhand manner. "We mate for life...."
//Mate for life?// Remus took a deep, steadying breath, forcing himself to read the entire section before jumping to conclusions.
"We mate for life. Many humans think the ritual to be a long and complex thing. It is not. Wolves mate for life as well. They reach their maturity and find a mate, taking her and forming a pack. We are much the same. When we reach sexual maturity, we begin unconsciously searching for a mate. Wolves look for physical traits: strength, stamina, speed...we, however, do not have the same evolutionary instincts. We seek the same things in a mate that a human does. Physical desirability, emotional and mental compatibility, and of course love. However, we do not have the luxury of picking and choosing as humans do. Once we have found a mate, we remain mated to that one individual for the span of our life. The bond is only broken when one of the pair passes away. To take a mate, we simply must physically and emotionally consummate the pairing. Oftentimes a sharing of blood is recommended. It has been known to happen accidentally..."
Remus blinked, forcing his mind to remain calm. That strange aching was suddenly very, very prominent. //Sev can't be your mate. He's a human. He's not a werewolf.// The rather frightened teenager skipped over the next bit, cases of accidental mating, to the next section.
"Most werewolves choose others of our kind as mates. It is much like a human marriage. But it is possible for us to take a human as a mate."
//Shit.//
"It is rare, as no human can possibly comprehend what it is like to mate. Once the bond has been made, it cannot be severed until death. We cannot love another, it is physically impossible. If separated form our mate, we will pine. It is possible to live without our mate, but it is not pleasant. We will forever be longing for them, able to pinpoint where they are, no matter how much distance separates us. If close, we can feel them near us. Humans simply cannot comprehend this..."
//Pine. Longing forever.// Remus slammed shut the book, wanting to fling it away from him. He wished he hadn't read it. Everything made sense now. The way it had felt when they were together, the way he hurt now. It was because he was away from Severus. //I'm going to feel this...forever? Unless Sev and I can work it out...Remmie, he thinks you're a monster. And you are. Just look at this! Even when you're a man, you can't escape the wolf. And now you're going to spend the rest of your life half dead inside because you can't be with the one person you love. Who happens to be the only person you can love. Ever. You know what that means. This-this awful, aching, cold pain-is never going to go away.//
//I can't live like this.// Remus sat up, hardly breathing. His heart was a jackhammer in his chest, and his hands were shaking. //I just can't. Every month I turn into a half mad beast. I tear myself apart. I can never have a normal life. Why bother?// Licking his lips, Remus took a very deep breath. He felt...an odd sort of calm. He picked his books off of his bed and put them neatly away, making sure they were in their alphabetical order. He picked up the "Werewolf Compendium" from where it lay, and returned it to its rightful place. He smoothed his bed sheets, tucking in the edges of the sheets under the mattress, and fluffed up his pillows. His wide, amber eyes surveyed his bedroom.
//My desk is messy...// He thought to himself, frowning. He couldn't live with a mess. Something physically would not let him do it. Gritting his teeth against the turmoil in his mind and the throbbing in his soul, he set about to tidying up the flat wooden surface. His quills in their holder. His parchment stacked neatly. The little carved wolf that Peter had given him set in the top center of the desk. Schoolbooks stacked evenly on the side. Chair pushed in all the way. //There. Much better.// Looking around the room, he decided it was as clean as he could get it. He sat down again, crossing his legs and being careful not to rumple the bed sheets.
//" It is possible to live without our mate, but it is not pleasant." "We can live as humans, but with great difficulty." No.// Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, Remus reached into the drawer of is bedside table, hand closing around a smooth shaft of wood. He drew the knife out slowly, watching as the blade caught the sun, casting bright sparks of light all over the room. It was a good strong knife, nothing fancy. He had carried it since he was twelve, feeling somehow safer with the six inch blade on his person. Never minding the fact that he could tear a mans throat out with his bare teeth...
He held the knife in his lap, fingers loosely clutching the blade. //It's not fair. But nothing ever is. It's not fair I got turned into a monster. it's not fair that Sirius is an idiot. It's not fair that Sev doesn't love me, thinks I'm a filthy monster. But life isn't fair. Life isn't happiness, or joy, or some pretty fairy story. Life is just...life. There's nothing special about it. Once we're dead, we're dead. There's no point to it. Why should we even bother? Life's just some cruel joke. Everything's just a cruel joke. Life, fate, all of it!//
Remus didn't even notice that he was crying. Silent, angry tears streamed down his cheeks as he gripped the hilt of the knife tighter and tighter. His body was rigid, and he had gone cold inside. There was nothing but some sort of angry righteousness that burned inside of him.
//I wasn't born this way. If I had been born this way, it would have been different. I would have been raised as what I am. My father would love me. I wish it had never happened. Then my father would still love me, and so would Sev. I wouldn't have to hide, because I wouldn't have anything *to* hide. James says it's okay, me being a werewolf. If it was really okay, I wouldn't have to hide it! And there wouldn't be any pity in Madame Pomfrey's eyes when she takes me to the shack... At least Sev doesn't pity me. I don't want pity. I don't want condolences. I don't want any of it...//
Hands still shaking, Remus lifted the knife, not able to look at what his hands were doing. he stared strait ahead, his arm trembling violently.
//Calm down. You're going to botch it.// He took another deep breath, letting it out in a low, ragged sob. //Damnit, Remmie! You're a Gryffindor. Brave, remember? You can do this. It's the best way, it really is...//
The blade of the knife was cold against his skin, the razor edge just beginning to bite into the flesh of his wrist. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to what he went through every month. He drew the knife swiftly over his wrist, wincing at the sting. His breath hitched, and he swallowed hard against the impending sobs. The knife fell from his hand, thumping dully into the bed.
//What are you doing?// He grabbed his injured wrist, grimacing at the steady stream of blood that flowed out of the thin gash. It was...almost pretty. His blood was a rich, dark red. It poured smoothly over the flat plane of his pale wrist, dripping steadily onto the pale blue bedspread. It flowed downwards, in a slanted sheet, pooling at the heel of his hand before forming fat droplets that clung to his flesh before falling away. He could *feel* it flowing out of him. It stung and burnt at the same time, and he could feel the blood pouring over the severed skin of his wrist. And it felt as though all of his pain was flowing away with it...
//You claim to be a Gryffindor. You're not even brave enough to face yourself...// Remus shuddered, biting his lip to keep from crying out. he could hear his mother moving around in the hallway outside. What *was* he doing? //You can't kill yourself! Think about what it would do to James and Sirius and Peter? Peter would never be able to take it, if you killed yourself. And Sev....he wouldn't care that you were dead, but James would figure it out. he already half knows. God, they'd blame Sev!//
That thought was the one that sealed it. Yelping softly, he leapt off the bed, still clutching his bleeding wrist. He searched about madly for something to stop the bleeding with. He knew he wasn't going to die from the cut, but he could certainly pass out from it. Tearing through his drawers he found an old sweater his grandmother had given him.
//Pink never was my color...// He wrapped it around his wrist tightly, clenching his teeth against the pain. He sat down on the floor, forcing his breathing to steady. //You can deal with this. It could be worse. You have friends. And look what they did for you! Became Animagus...they did that for you. You can't leave them. And you can't leave Sev, either. Even if he doesn't...even if it's unrequited, you still have two more years. Be happy with just knowing he's alive and well. Maybe...maybe someday...//
He sat back, resting his head on the bed, to wait for his mother to go downstairs so he could go to the bathroom and clean and dress the wound properly.
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Chapter 9 on it's way!
