Disclaimer: Remus and Sev not mine. No matter how hard I try and keep them, they always run home....McGonagall is not mine either, and that's fine with me. I'm making no money off of this. Song lyrics belong to Dropkick Murphey.
Dedication: This one here is for Lelio. A) You are a devout fan of this series. B) I liked the idea you ran by me, and I used it here. Sorry, it may be a while before Remmie finds out about Sev's history. He's still not quite up to giving that much of himself away.
Author's Note: The idea for this flashback was given to me by a reviewer. I ran it by my beta, and she liked it as well. I changed it a bit, but the basic principle is the same. Again, I just sort of found lyrics that struck me as fitting. I came across this band at the recommendation of a friend, and heard this song and just went: 'My lord, it's perfect!' Not much romance in this one, sorry...
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 9
//You've got no one to defend you, you're out on your own//
//Still fighting on the corner, you can never go home//
//In this world of temptation, in this city of sin//
//There's nothing that can save you, but a strength from within//
The teacher's lounge was deserted, and Snape sank gratefully into a plush chair by the window. He had a folder of papers that needed to be graded, but his mind simply refused to focus. He had been sitting in his office, staring blankly at the wall. His mind kept going back to Remus Lupin, back turned and shoulders slumped. He had looked so....tired. Defeated. So much like the sixteen year old boy Snape had fallen in love with, all those years ago.
//You shouldn't have said anything.// Snape reprimanded himself, shifting through the essays. //There was no point to it. You probably gave him false hope. Now he's never going to leave you alone. You should have left things as they were.// He pulled one out at random, and set it on his lap, quill poised to begin grading.
//Why did you do it, anyway? You don't owe him anything. Just because he had a decent explanation for certain events...you're going soft, Severus. Now is not the time to go soft. You must be harder then ever.// He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. //You have faced far more terrifying things in your life, been in far more harrowing positions. You've more blood on your hands then Attila the Hun, for gods sake. How many lives are you responsible for ending? Dozens? More, most likely. Odd, that I haven't counted. Perhaps next time, I shall count them.// He nodded thoughtfully to himself, and returned his eyes to the essay. //Stupid Hufflepuffs. They never were known for their brightness. Diggory was a Hufflepuff...an exception to the rule. And look where that got him. People should stay in their places...//
Snape frowned, lowering his quill. //And where is your place, Severus Snape? You answer to two masters, live two lives. And a part of you is inexplicably drawn to Lupin. You are teacher, killer, monster and mentor. Bastard brat, son of a whore...mud-blood...// He didn't need anyone to spit the words in his face, he did it himself often enough. But those who would hold it against him didn't know, never would know. And the few who knew, never mentioned it.
//I suppose I ought to be thankful. They never interfered. Not really...// Snape raised his eyes, as if on cue, Minerva McGonagall joined him in the faculty lounge. //Think of the devil, I suppose. Bloody woman...but smart.//
"Good evening, Severus." She said, inclining her head.
"Minerva." Snape returned. He often reflected how odd it was, to be working side by side with Minerva. She had been his professor, once. And she had given him more detentions then any other teacher he had had. Now they were equals.
"Rough day, I see?" She raised an eyebrow, sitting in a chair opposite Snape.
"Mmmm. Mr. Longbottom." Was all he said, and McGonagall nodded, closing her eyes and sighing.
"That boy..." She shook her head. "Really...though I suppose it's not his fault. His grandmother's a bit of a shrew, and his parents..."
"Yes." Snape nodded sharply. "He managed to melt not only his cauldron, but the cauldron's of those students next to him. Not to mention the legs of the desk..."
"He's not much better in transfiguration, I fear. But his grades are well enough." She smiled, hands folded in her lap. McGonagall was one of the few people Snape could stand, let alone carry on a pleasant conversation with. Which was rather odd, all things considering.
"I suppose." Snape shrugged. He thought the boy needed a spine. He'd have enough trouble once he was out in the world. The world didn't care what had happened to him as a child, or how he had been treated in school...Snape knew that first hand. There was a silence, that was neither uneasy nor comfortable. Snape began grading the paper before him, mumbling under his breath as he did so. Minerva made herself a cup of tea, drinking it while looking out the window at the fall of snow outside.
The fire was warm, and Snape's mind still wasn't on papers. It was on the past, as it was so often these days. He could remember that summer, after his sixth year...he had never once thought that they'd *know*. //You were a rather stupid boy. Of course they knew. They knew where you lived, and who your parents were. It's all in that big bloody book.// McGonagall had a book, larger then any book in existence. Every year, a quill wrote the names of children who had been born who would be eligible to go to Hogwarts. She would check it, and send the owls herself...
//That was certainly a surprise. Mum had never mentioned anything about my father, let alone the fact he was a wizard. Oh, afterwards she mentioned there was something 'a tad bit funny' about him.// Snape had never once asked. He knew that Minerva would probably tell him, if he did. Or if not her, Dumbledore. But he had never asked. A part of him *didn't* want to know. It was easier that way. He would have been tempted, had he known when he was younger. But now there was no point.
//She could have offered.// A vindictive voice in the back of Snape's mind spoke up. //When she found you there, like you were, she could have offered. But they don't interfere...//
~Summer after 6th year~
The London night was hot and sticky. It had a thickness and weight that Severus always associated with dark, cracked pavement and sizzling street lights. He half expected low budget, tawdry music to start playing when he took up his usual spot on the corner of Garrison and Harding. His ripped blank tank top clung to his back, plastered there with sweat. He let it, figuring having the garment clinging to his form would just add to his appeal. It was sliced across the stomach, a wide swath of cloth hanging away, on purpose. His tattered jeans were hot as well, the denim itching slightly at the back of his thighs. He had his hair pulled back, out of his face, and a cigarette burned in his hand.
//Slow night.// he thought to himself, lowering his lids seductively at any potential customer who came by. But there were no takers, and Severus flipped the finger at many a back. It usually wasn't this bad, even in the sweltering heat. And he wasn't even to bruised. He had managed to avoid Davis and his gang for the past two weeks, and his mother's abuse was relatively low key. A few kicks, a few slaps, nothing that left too bad a mark.
//Bugger this for a lark...another hour and I'm hauling ass home. Or down to the pub. But I'm not going to stand out in this weather if I'm not gonna make anything. Bloody pointless.// He lit another cigarette, off the one he had in his mouth, and leaned against the broken street lamp. Everything was broken, here. The street, the homes, the people...//Welcome to hell. Population 79. The home of happiness...//
The hour was almost up, and still Severus had sparked no interest. His mother often praised his feminine looks, but he cursed them. If someone wanted something that looked like a girl, they'd get a girl. Remus had spoken kindly about Severus' looks as well, calling them regal, and elegant, and all sorts of frippery. Severus thought he looked pinched.
//That's it. I'm not going to take this. I'll see if I can cop a drink out of Maguire, and then call it a night. I'll find somewhere to sleep...// He couldn't go home until dawn, his mother didn't allow it. Said it was bad for business, having him around. Bad for her business, not his...but there were plenty of cul-de-sacs and alleys he could curl up in, and spend the rest of the night. He couldn't get any sleep at home, between schoolwork and his mother bitching at him. He crushed his cigarette under his heel, and pushed himself up, preparing to head down to the tavern...
"Mr. Snape. I don't think I actually expected to find you here. I certainly didn't expect to find you here specifically..."
Severus froze, his jaw tightening. he knew that voice well, had heard it calling him on many occasion. //I'm hallucinating. Just keep, walking, don't turn around...McGonagall couldn't be behind him. What would *she* be doing here? There's a million reasons why she wouldn't, couldn't be. She's a witch, and she's got plenty of money, and I don't think she's the type that slums...is she? Oh, god...// Severus shuddered, fighting a wave of bile that threatened to choke him. Slowly, against his will, he pivoted to face whatever apparition was behind him.
"Professor." He said, quietly. His cheeks were burning with shame, but he met her eyes full on. He held his hair up, his hands clenching into fists. He had nothing to say, nothing came to mind. He felt he should defend himself, but couldn't think of anyway to. It was obvious what he was doing. His location, his appearance, his whole demeanor... "Might I ask what exactly you're doing here?" Severus managed to say, his voice cold and icy. Why was she here? Was she planning on giving him a hard time, or....
"Looking for you, actually." McGonagall's voice was light, and not in the least bit threatening. There was a tightness around her eyes and lips, but that was all. She was dressed in an old fashioned muggle style gown, and her hair was pulled back in it's trademark tight bun.
"You found me." Flat voiced, he crossed his arms, shaking back his hair. He let a light of defiance into his eyes, challenging the professor. //Why was she looking for me? Am I in some sort of trouble? How did she know how to find me...//
"Yes. I did." Was that regret in her voice?
"How?" Severus snapped. He was suddenly angry at her, for invading his privacy.
"I am your professor, Mr. Snape. I sent you your letter, didn't I? That would indicate I know where you live." She smiled kindly at him. "Don't worry. This is purely a...social visit."
Panic flared up. She couldn't mean...that. What sort of a sick woman was she? He wouldn't...he couldn't...Unconsciously, Severus took a step back, fear in his eyes.
"Oh, do calm down Mr. Snape. I simply wanted to see...how you are getting along." She raked her eyes over his slim, scandalously clad form.
"Fine." Severus snapped.
"It would appear so..." McGonagall nodded. Severus shoved his hands in his pockets, eyes falling downwards. He wanted her to go away. What business of hers was it, how he was doing. She wasn't even head of his house, just his professor. And she had never showed any concern for him before. Of course, last start of term he had been in pretty bad shape. No one had said anything to him, really. Black had made a few comments, and of course Remus had looked at him with concern in his eyes, but Severus had ignored both. "It was brought to our attention that your home life may have been...less then pleasant. We simply wished to make sure you were all right."
"We?" Severus raised his eyebrow. "Whose this 'we' you keep talking about?"
"Headmaster Dumbledore and myself, of course. You are...fine?"
"Yes." He wasn't going to offer any more information then was directly asked for.
"You've...a place to stay?" It was obvious McGonagall was skirting around something.
"Yes. I live with my mother." He was getting agitated. he wanted a beer, and to be left alone by nosey teachers who thought they had some sort of right to butt into their students lives.
"And she treats you well?"
"Yes! Now is there anything else, I've somewhere I have to be right now..."
"I'm certain you do, Mr. Snape." She nodded. "It is one o'clock in the morning, and you seem to be selling yourself on a street corner. I am quite sure there many places you need to be right now."
"I'm meeting a friend. If you'll excuse me..." He took a step forward, attempting to push by Professor McGonagall. She stepped aside, still regarding him with slightly narrowed eyes.
"You do realize your grades slipped dangerously last year." She said, putting a hand on his arm. Instinctively, he flinched away. He jerked his arm back, holding it close and twisting his body. "If this continues, there could be rather dire consequences."
"I'm well aware." Severus sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. He did know his grades had gone down significantly, but it had been a difficult year. It was hard, seeing Remus every day. Knowing what he was, what he had done...it wouldn't let Severus rest. The current summer was actually going relatively well...until now. //Stupid bitch. It's none of her business. She thinks she's so high and mighty...as if I can't see that holier-then-thou look in her eyes. So what if I am selling myself on a street corner? That's my business, not hers. If she's trying to make me feel ashamed, she can't. I've been at it too long. We can't all be pure bloods, born to loving, wealthy families. Some of us have to struggle.// "Now, please...."
"Of course." McGonagall inclined her head, taking another step back and crossing her arms. Severus shoved his hands in his pockets, and slouched off, in the direction of the nearby tavern.
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Chapter 10 on it's way...
