Disclaimer: Remus, Severus, Sirius and the rest don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them. I'm making no money off of this. Song lyrics aren't mine either. They belong to Lifehouse.
Dedication: This is for Kitten, for the inspiration.
Author's Note: Not having a good day. Family issues. Mainly an overly excited elderly father who doesn't seem to understand that things can go wrong in life, and that other people have problems as well. I love him dearly, but I will be quite happy when he is back in the south-west. I'm ready to lose my mind, with him here. I try and I try and I try to explain things to him, but he refuses to listen. Oh! And I simply must include this little bit of prose that was written at the inspiration of chapter 9.
"You stroll down the street, looking for someone to
fill that void in you for tonight. You see him. He's
attractive - beautiful, in fact. But as you approach,
you see the haunted look in his eyes - the hurt of a
heart that's been broken and isn't fixed yet - maybe
never will be. Something inside you stirs, the memory
of who you used to be, what you used to have. You want
to tell him to go find that lover and fix things up,
or he'll regret it for the rest of his life. But you
don't, so he doesn't, and you can see the regret
already in his eyes as you walk past."
Isn't it beautiful? Thank you again, Sugahcat. Oh, and ten points to your house if you can figure out what book Remmie's reading. ;-)
Someday Out of the Blue
Chapter 12
//Desperate for changing, starving for truth.//
//I'm closer to where I started, in chasing after you.//
//I'm falling even more in love with you.//
//Letting go of all I've held onto.//
//I'm standing here until you make me move.//
//I'm hanging by a moment here with you.//
Remus didn't talk to Sirius for a few days after the incident. Nor did he talk to Severus. Dumbledore hadn't called any more meetings, and they were pretty much left to their own devices. Remus stayed in his room, reading. He had decided not to push the issue. With either of the two men. He felt as though he had made a good bit of ground with Severus, despite Sirius' intervention. But there were other reasons he didn't want to speak with Severus.
//I'm getting somewhere.// He told himself. //A Death Eater. God, I had no idea.// Remus was curled up in his bed with a large book, a muggle horror novel, but he found he couldn't focus. He had lost the thread of the story a few chapters back, and was only still reading because he had nothing better to do. He glanced down at the page, and wrinkled his brow in confusion.
//When did the little boy disappear? And isn't the woman with the dolls dead?// He closed the book, rubbing the bridge of his nose. //A Death Eater. Not just a spy.// He couldn't quite get that out of his mind. He knew it was true. He had looked it up. Severus had been tried, but found innocent at Dumbledore's intervention. And why would he lie, anyway? Remus doubted he would say something like that simply to scare him away. //A Death Eater.// Remus wrapped his blanket more tightly about him, and stared idly out the window. It was sleeting out, grey and depressing.
//Why?// That was what he couldn't figure out. Why had Severus gone over to Voldemort? What had he been offered, what had drawn him? And what had made him turn back? //It doesn't matter.// Remus told himself, firmly. //It's in the past. It's done. He's still the man you fell in love with. Everyone makes mistakes.// But there was still a twinge of doubt. This confession didn't stop Remus from loving Severus, nothing short of death would do that. But it did...mute things.
//He is a good man.// He thought. //He is risking his life for us. He wouldn't do that, if he weren't a good person. He just...// But without knowing the whole story, Remus really couldn't justify it. But he knew that Severus was, deep down, a good person. But he had been a Slytherin...there was just too much Remus didn't know.
//I'll have to talk to him about it.// Remus decided. He couldn't make another move without knowing. //But...not yet. I still need time.//
There was a knock, at his door, and Remus wrinkled his brow curiously. //Who would be visiting me?// He doubted-though a part of him hoped-that it was Severus. It was most likely Dumbledore. Or possibly even Harry. The young man stopped by to visit every so often, and share a cup of tea.
"Come in." He said, tilting his head in an inquisitive manner. The door opened slowly, and in slouched a rather depressed and abashed looking Sirius. Ah. Remus schooled his features into a calm mask, blank and emotionless. He folded his hands in his lap, an expectant silence stretching between them.
"M sorry." Sirius mumbled, staring down at the floor. Remus didn't say anything. He wasn't going to let Sirius get off that easily. The man had given many apologies in his lifetime, and few of them sincere. The werewolf knew better then to accept an apology on word alone. He kept his eyes focused on the other man though, knowing that if he just kept staring and not talking, Sirius would offer up as much information as he had.
//This is really rather rich. I think he may actually feel bad about what he did, if only for the fact that it drove me away for a few days.//
"I didn't..." Sirius mumbled, and then ran both of his hands through his hair, sighing. "Can I sit down?"
"Yes." Remus scooted over, offering space on the bed. He wanted Sirius close, to decipher what he could from his scent. The black haired man shuffled over, hands in his pockets, and sat down. Remus inhaled deeply, and was rather surprised.
//He really does feel badly about this.// Sirius' scent was tinged with guilt and shame and regret. And it was obvious from his body language as well. He refused to meet Remus' eyes, and he kept his head tilted down. This was actually bothering him.
"I shouldn't have done that." Sirius said, sighing deeply.
'But you did." Remus pointed out calmly. All in all, he was still rather upset about it. Not as much as he had been, and now he could at least see the good that had come of it. He wouldn't have gone to Severus, certainly wouldn't have kissed him, if it hadn't been for Sirius little outburst.
"I know, and I said I was sorry." Sirius snapped.
"Sirius...sorry isn't going to make anything better." The werewolf said it gently, not wanting to upset Sirius. When the other man got upset, he got rather irrational.
"I know that, but I was sorry so I told you."
"Why are you sorry?" It was a valid question. And Sirius would tell the truth, because Remus would know if he was lying.
"Because this pissed you off, and I don't like seeing you upset." Sirius shrugged. "I didn't think it was that big a deal."
"It was a big deal Sirius, and it still is." Remus placed a hand on Sirius' arm, taking a deep breath himself. He supposed, since Sirius was so deeply involved now, he could tell him everything.
"Why?"
"I was hoping you'd ask that." Remus gave a small, weak smile. "I love Severus. No, don't say anything, just please let me talk. I can't not love him. He's in my blood now. He's my mate. We werewolves don't have much choice when it comes to love. We mate for life, the bond forged until death. I fell in love with him in school. And once we fall in love...that's it." He shrugged, trying to pass it off as if it wasn't a big deal.
"You're kidding?" Sirius looked at him out of the corner of his eye, disbelief evident.
"I wish I was." Remus sighed. "I think, had things gone differently, we wouldn't be in this situation."
"You really think so?" Sirius asked. "You really think he wouldn't have figured out what you ere?"
"I would have told him, Sirius." Remus replied. "I was planning on telling him. I just...I wanted to wait."
"It's half your fault you know." Sirius said, suddenly defensive. "If you had said something..."
"But you suspected." Remus countered. "And you...proceeded anyway."
"Yeah...well..." Sirius dismissed it with a wave of his hand, mumbling under his breath so quietly and indistinctly that even Remus couldn't quite catch what he was saying.
"I don't think you did irreparable damage." Remus admitted after a long silence. "I...I went to speak with him. I don't think I left him with any doubt of my feelings. I think there is a slight chance of...something." He chose his words carefully, not wanting to send Sirius into another angry fit.
"Oh." Sirius nodded. "I don't understand it, and I never will."
"I'm not asking you to." Remus laid his hand again on Sirius' arm, squeezing. "I'm just asking you to act mature and rationally about the situation, that's all."
"Mmm." Sirius sighed, placing his hand over Remus'. "It's...it's going to take me a while to get used to this."
"I understand. There are things I have to get used to, as well."
"I just want you to be careful. Snape's a...I mean, you know what he was, don't you?" //So it wasn't a secret.// Remus nodded, slowly.
"Yes. I'm aware of his...past affiliations."
"And I know he's spying for us now, but...you know what they say. Old habits die hard."
"I know. But I also know Severus is a good man, capable of tenderness and love."
"And that's not something I need to hear." Sirius mad a disgusted face, and shook his head.
"Oh, come off it. It's not like I'm detailing our intimate encounters..."
"I *really* don't want to hear about those!" Sirius said, shuddering. "Those are mental pictures I can do without."
"Which is why I won't say a thing." Remus said, impishly. Sirius kept glancing out of the corner of his eyes, and his stance told Remus there were things he still wanted to know. "What is it?" He asked, not feeling like sitting in silence for who knew how long. It seemed Sirius was calming down, somewhat.
"Did you ever...I mean...you didn't...you know. Did you?" The last was asked with a plaintive tone, as if begging Remus to say no.
"Once." Remus admitted. He saw no reason to lie. Sirius made a face, and shuddered in an exaggerated manner.
"Ew...Remmie!" He whined, lips curling in distaste. "Ew..."
"Not really. But I'll spare you the details."
"Thank you!" Sirius shook his head. "Ew. When?"
"The night before your little 'prank'." Remus said softly. Sirius' manner changed, went back to guilty and repentant.
"Oh."
"Another reason for my anger." At least Sirius understood things now. And perhaps they could simply make a joke of it. That happened often enough.
"Yeah, okay, I get it now." Sirius said. "You can stop talking about it."
"I'm sorry." Remus grinned slightly. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For taking the time to understand." Remus hugger Sirius briefly and tightly about the shoulders. The other man returned the hug with interest.
"Yeah, well...you're my best friend Remmie. I'll just....I'll look at it like you were going after a really ugly woman. I don't get why, I sure as hell wouldn't, but it's you life."
"Interesting way of looking at things." But Remus didn't care. He had nearly forgiven Sirius for causing such a problem in the first place. In a way, it was easier with him knowing. At least Remus knew he could talk about it, to an extent. And that eased the burden quite a bit. "I'm going to speak to him again soon But I think we both need some time."
"Yeah." Sirius shrugged. "Now...let's forget about the whole thing and go grab something to eat from the kitchens, huh?"
"All right." Remus smiled, and Sirius returned it, and for a moment there was no animosity, no judgment and no disgust. And then Sirius gave another exaggerated shudder, and Remus punched him lightly and playfully on the shoulder. "Come on...kitchens." Things were certainly looking up now. Sirius would, eventually, accept the situation. Though what the situation was, Remus had no real idea. But that would be worked out soon. All in all, it hadn't been an unsuccessful day.
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